Dumb People Town - Adam Conover - Operation Extra Olives

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

This week, Adam Conover (Adam Ruins Everything) rides on the wing of a plane all the way to Dumb People Town! The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk discuss Adam's television show, Adam Ruins Everything, in which Adam spills the truth-beans on all sorts of sub...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the body So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound. Tunker Downey's Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U, we are thrilled to have you here, and we have a guest on the show whose talents, whose unique talents from his TV show blend perfectly with what we do on Dumb People. He has a very critical eye. Knows how to break things down. Knows how to break things down. It's like we are going to serve up a plate of dumb and have him just dig into it. Adam Conover from the great show, Adam Ruins Everything. Hello.

Thank you guys so much for having me. Adam, you ruin the world in the best possible ways. Because what I love about your show is that even in the best things in the world, there's always a shred of, yeah, but. Oh, here's a bummer, but let me break it down. Why? It's almost like the best parts about what I love about Caribbean enthusiasm is when Larry's right.

Okay. Here's the area that we're all overlooking because whatever social mores say we should overlook this. Yep. But you're like, not so fast. You're like Lee Corso. Not so fast. Yeah.

And it's fun. You know, the idea that I ruin everything, but it's fun to learn about the sort of dark twisted truth about the thing that you like. Great facts, great information. Thank you. On every episode, I always walk away. It's like the example of, you watch,

Jay has watched his fair share of Vanderpump Rules, and I'll call him out on it. I'll fucking call him out on it. Right there with you, buddy. Right there with you, buddy. Yeah, I dance with him. You come out of that, and you're dumber. You're dumber.

You are less smart. Your brain just took 12 bong hits from a two-foot graph. And sometimes that's what you need in your life. That's what you need. No, you never need it. Sometimes you're rock on candy. That's right. But there are other moments when you need to feel like you walk away with a little more information.

I feel like even just watching small portions of your show, I come away going, all right, information. I feel like even just watching small portions of your show, I come away going, all right, I just learned something that, you know, that I never knew the history of circumcision as it relates to sex. And, you know, I mean, who's mad at sex? Sex is a wonderful thing. But here is the problem. And here are the problems. And here are the issues. And truthfully, I really do love the show. It's on TruTV. And you guys have a new season of it. Yeah. Well, you're in a little bit of a mid-season break.

Our first, yeah, we had eight episodes aired from our second season and then starting September 19th, we got eight more episodes coming at you through the end of the year.

Thank you so much. Yeah, you can catch it on TruTV.com or with the app. Watch TruTV app. So you watch TruTV app and you can just sort of catch up and then come September 19th.

And there's clips all over YouTube. We got like a hundred clips on YouTube. Just want the little bits. But we do, every episode has, we've got the little stories and then they all tie together into one bigger point. And there's like a storyline.

Had you been that sort of a person where you're like constantly questioning, why is this the way that it is? Yeah, definitely. I mean, I grew up that way and I've always been like an information sponge my whole life like i just have you know i'm like a podcast like i've read like every issue of the new yorker for the past like 15 years you know just like i just like type of person who uh you know uh uh you know at a party if someone was

like oh it was talking about a topic i'd be like oh i think i read an article about that uh five years ago and um i think it said that or whatever i had that sort of you know i always those sort of facts always stuck with me and awesome yeah you know as a comedian i was just i was doing stand-up and then as a comic in new york like how do i get people to pay attention to me and and you know remember me and i started just dropping stuff like that in my act and was that your thing is even in your act was it because I haven't had a chance to see you do stand up, but was it your,

you would take ideas and subjects and whatnot that, again, that everybody else would be like, this is such a great thing and then kind of pull the wrong off moderate? Yeah, I mean, that's what I always enjoyed, you know?

And yeah, the very first thing I did in my, I did our original topic about the diamond engagement ring, which is, you know, how the diamond engagement ring was which is how the diamond engagement ring was traditionally made up

by the De Beers Diamond Corporation in the 30s to sell more diamonds. I read an article about that in The Atlantic like five years ago. Eventually, I was like, oh, let me toss that in my act. And people would be like, oh, I could feel the audience.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And so that ended up, I was like, ooh, maybe I can turn that into a web video. And then it turned into a TV show. I love it. That's awesome. I love it.

It's a great thing. And again, I think we have discovered this from doing this show, Dan Van Kirk, how are you? Good. That the world is getting dumber. It is getting dumber. I don't know if this is even one of the stories, but I saw this and this was sent to me of the woman who pulled a gun on another woman getting school supplies

over the last folder in Novi, Michigan. Look, when there was a shortage of number two pens. In Novi, Michigan, which, by the way, Novi, you know why they call it Novi?

Number six on the train stop. Number six train stop. That's right. And so, it's, again, not a neighborhood or an area. Is that true? Yeah.

Wow. See, now I'm learning something. Yeah, you are. Not an area where you get a bunch of guns being pulled. Gun play at the Walmart. You know what I know people from Novi? Someone losing their shit like that. That checks out.

Does it check out for you? Yeah, that checks out. Is it open carry in Michigan? It might be open. No, but she was registered. She owned that gun. She was registered. You wouldn't see that shit.

Let me say this. You wouldn't see that shit in Livonia. That's not some Farmington Hills action. Gross point. The world is getting dumber and the only way we combat it is we make comedy about it.

That's what we do. That's how we fight back. So Dan gets stories sent in by our awesome fans. We have not heard these stories. Our dumb ears on the ground. We have not heard these stories. We have not,

along with Adam hasn't heard it. But Dan, you've got them I do Do you have a nice Batch of them This one's fun I'm going to be honest

Before we get into this First of all Wait I want to ask you Adam Please You said you think You know Possibly one of the stories

We might do today Correct Yeah How about I'll do the first one I just have a guess Because I read a story About someone

Who did a very crazy Stupid dumb thing How about we'll do this one, and then if it's right, tell me. If it's not, when we come back after the break, I want to hear what you think it is. You still have two more to go after that. Okay, so let's do this first one. I will be honest, this person is very

dumb, but I'm also very impressed. You like this person. This is definitely not mine. You know it was. And you're like this is definitely not mine right yeah what if it was what if it was and you're like oh man

I'm gonna really distance myself from Dan Van Kerr it's like if you walked into your kids room and they had smeared shit

all over the walls you'd be you'd have to give it up for the fact they got it so high if your two kids got the couch

into the pool yeah I would be mad but I would be like, I can't rest. You'd also say, oh my God, they worked together. Yeah, they did something together. There's some teamwork there that I have to applaud them. This was sent in by Whitney Abbott at Whittle Wabbit on Twitter. That's W-I-T-T-L-E-W-A-B-B-b-o-t-t a lot of double consonants what's that alliteration

i don't know double consonants when you begin i know but it's words it's not okay we're fine lakeland florida w-f-l-a back into the home turf area where all this sure the motherland yeah a suspect accused of i'm gonna lay it out for you then we'll lay it on a suspect accused of stealing a van after riding a bicycle managed to get to a nearby airport and hop on the wing of a plane preparing to take off okay wow that's a day planes trains automobiles i was gonna say bike was going to say. I was going to say Grand Theft Auto. That is, I mean, you have literally started out with a bike. Yeah. Was it John Candy?

Was it? The ghost of John Candy. It seems like someone, I got to get to the plane. Give me your bike. The only thing that can make this better is if the ghost of John Candy at the end of making fun of this guy came in and did his monologue from, all right, I'm an easy target. Yeah. I get it. I get it. You want to make fun of me?, came in and did his monologue from... All right, I'm an easy target. Yeah. I get it.

I get it. You want to make fun of me? Yeah, go for it. What kind of plane was it? A small plane? It had to be like a Cessna. We're going to do it. We're going to do it.

I can't do it. Okay. Maybe... What was... Was it Commando? Where Schwarzenegger gets up inside a 747. He hijacks his way into one of them. What was the recent Tom Cruise movie where he literally did the stunt?

MI3, right? Where he climbs on the side of the plane and the plane takes off. Of a jet. Of a jet. Of a jet. Of a jet. And didn't he do that for real? Yeah, he did.

I want to do my own stunts. Tom Cruise actually climbed on the wing of a flying jet. Yeah. He was harnessed to it, but he was holding on to the wings. Yes. You never saw that movie? I mean, I think that's awful. Oh, man, maybe I gotta get into Scientology. Yeah, you do.

Is that how you have the power to do this? Adam ruins Scientology. I want Adam ruins Scientology. We could do it. It's been years. Next season. I want to be in that one. Because you do have some great guest stars, by the way. Oh, that's true. Paul F. Tompkins, phenomenal in the mindset. Come on, write us in.

Okay, here we go. According tokins, phenomenal in the mindset. Come on, write us in. That's a beautiful point. Okay, here we go. According to police, the victim, Alan Stokes Jr. Wait, the victim is the guy who did all this stuff? This is his first victim. Okay. The first victim of this man's whole day. The guy he took the bike from. Okay.

Yeah. No, I think he already... Well, we'll hear. Alan Stokes Jr. of Orlando was working along Hardin Boulevard as a surveyor for national data and surveying services. So he sets up that tripod that looks like a camera, but it's not a camera, but it looks like a camera. And he's in the middle of the street, but he doesn't really need to be in the middle of the street, but he's going to be in the middle of the street.

What is he doing? Oh, he's counting the cars. Yeah, that's all he's doing. Exactly. He's like, you could do that with the naked eye from the corner, but you've going to be in the middle of the street. What is he doing? Oh, he's counting the cars. Yeah, that's all he's doing. Exactly. You could do that with the naked eye from the corner, but you've got to set up a tripod that isn't really a camera. Alan Stokes Jr. I feel like he also told them,

you've got to put my employer's name in there. National Data and Surveying Services. We're trying to get it going. We've got a Kickstarter. Please plug it. Stokes. Alan Stokes Jr. also sounds like he got up to rank third in like Bantamweight in the 80s.

Mean uppercut. Yeah. He had stepped out of his 2008 Dodge van and was removing tools from the rear of the van when he said he observed the suspect. Here's our guy, Gregory A. Hock. Hock? Hock. Hock. Hock? Hock. Hock.

H-O-C-H. Hock. Yeah, like the Hock brothers. Hock. Like the guy who did Streetball. Streetball. The Hock brothers is a different guy. The Hock brothers, very different.

Very different in the damage they inflict. Sure. The Hock brothers, very different. Yeah, they just damn good. Jonathan Hock did Streetball. Jonathan Hock did Streetball, yeah. Yeah, they just Dan Hock did John Hock did streetball. Well, this is Gregory A. Hawk.

He was riding by on a bicycle. The next thing the victim knew, Mr. Stokes, Hawk was in the driver's seat driving off

in his minivan. The next thing he knew? Yes. To me, it feels like he wasn't really observing the situation that he was in.

I feel like greg hawk he drove by four times on that bike i mean if you're on a bike and you're trying to get to the airport for god knows why hopefully we'll find out oh yeah and you bike by a dodge minivan with the key i guess the keys in it probably running that's an invitation jackpot for greg for greg hawk jackpot for greg that's an e-bike that by the way jackpot for Greg Hawk. You don't even think. Jackpot for Greg Hawk. That's an invite. By the way, Jackpot for Greg Hawk

could also be a true TV show. Yeah, it could. It could. It could. It's a game show where everybody wins money for one guy. That's it.

Jackpot for Greg Hawk. So what do I win? You won nothing, but we're going to give $40,000 to Greg Hawk. I love true TV because they take risks on weird shows like ours, so I think they might actually do that. Jackpot for Greg Hawk.

Greg Hawk. Think about Greg Hawk. If it's true, what Stokes is saying here, Greg Hawk literally went from bike, jumped off bike, bike kept going, got in the van, and is gone. Bike is just down the street and going a little bit longer than you think it should. Because he had that balance. He had the balance. He got off clean. Got off clean.

You know what? Probably never would have happened in his life. I'm going to say this about Greg Haack. Stood up in the bike. Yep. Leg up over so he's just both legs on one pedal. Yeah. Okay, he's just on one side still.

Side saddling it. Side saddling the bike. Yeah. And, he's just on one side still. Side saddling it. Side saddling the bike. Yeah. And then just let it go as he jumped. Like when somebody's water skiing, and they let go of the rope and just come towards the dock. That's perfect. Yeah.

Or side saddle, like riding on a horse. On one horse, yeah. Come on. Next thing you knew, Hawk was in the driver's seat, driving off in the van. Greg Mulvihill, they're really putting it to me yeah they're giving it was sitting at a red light when he saw hawk jump in the van and take off i feel like greg really just wanted to be a part of this story yeah it's like i saw it so i guess there were no more uh witnesses here no i saw it from over there you're right witnesses i saw it from over there i'm not

gonna come closer i'm just gonna shout my statement from over here sir what is your name i'm greg mulverhill i can't i can't write that down i'm not coming closer sir you can't come closer i got a thing yeah we got a thing but i did see him jump in the car. Sir. Make sure you get my name right. I can't. What is the... I'm over here. M-U-L-V-I-H-I-L-L. Mulvihill. This is his quote from Greg Mulvihill. A guy on a bicycle literally threw his bicycle down and jumped in the van and took off.

Okay. That is like straight out of an action movie. Yes. Yes. Ha! like straight out of an action movie. Yes. He threw it at another car and it exploded. He got in the car. It's just a little bike, but he throws it down. Massive. It is a Schwarzenegger movie. Michael Bay level explosion.

Quote, this is from Mohovel. Louisville. Mohovel. Mohovel. He is like Louisville. He's constantly telling people it's Mohovel. Man, I fucking hate that. I hate the Louisville thing.

I hate the Louisville thing. That's not a pronunciation guide. That's just your accent. That's all it is. I'm from New York. I don't say, no, no, you can't say it's New York. You got to say it's New York. You got to pronounce it New York. That's just my accent. That's all it is. I'm from New York. I don't say, no, you can't say it's New York. You gotta say it's New York! You gotta pronounce it New York!

It's just my accent. Because you're right. Because when it's a bat, it's a Louisville Slugger, right? Louisville Slugger. When it's a bat. Is that true? Yes! And the Louisville Slugger was made in Louisville. Right. But if they were here, they'd be like,

Louisville, Louisville, Louisville. You have to sound like you're trying to not yawn. I just have no respect for people from any city who have strong opinions about how to say things about their city.

If you don't live there and you haven't grown up there and don't have that accent. No, it means you're having pride about the wrong thing about your city. You'd be prideful about the Louisville Slugger Museum.

Yeah, be prideful of Patino. Be prideful about the band. If someone walks in and is like, I went to the Louisville Slugger Museum, not so great. Then you can step in and be like, hey man, did you take swings in the batting cage with Derek Jeter's bat? Well, then you didn't do the museum right.

You can get on their bat. You can't get mad at them for calling it the Louisville Slugger Museum. Well, Mahovil said, I thought the guy was crazy. You steal a van in broad daylight? Who does that? Really? Who does that?

Great quote. Great quote. He's pissed. All right, guys. Who does that? Who does that? I'll tell you who doesn't do that. Greg Mahovil.

It's M-U-L-O-R-I-V-I-L. He's pissed off that that guy made him witness it. Right. You know what I mean? Who does that? Who makes me watch that? How dare he make me sit across the street thinking, just thinking to myself, probably in the recesses of my mind, nobody's going to steal a car. It's broad daylight.

And then all of a sudden, this guy challenges. He's like Adam Conover. He challenges everything I think about in broad daylight. He's not even mad it's illegal. He's just like, it's improper. It's what it is. It's upsetting. In broad daylight.

I don't want us to be a city where we stop stealing at night. Yes. How dare we take this to the daytime. Thievery and sushi are two things that are only enjoyed when the sun goes down. Agreed. Thievery and sushi are two things that are only enjoyed when the sun goes down. Agreed. At one point, Haag hit a curb and blew a tire, but continued for approximately five miles to the Lakeland Linder Regional Airport.

Okay, that's not a good call to be on a blown tire for five miles. He did it. He did it. You know who wasn't done with this yet? Greg Maholville. Greg Maholville called 911 and followed the suspect all the way to the airport. Get your laddy stuff. He's like, I didn't want to do it.

He was yelling at him the whole way. I have errands to run. Who does this? Who are you? I had to know who does this. I had to know. I wanted to see who it was. Who does this?

Who does that? Who does that? We have more quotes from Greg Maholville. He literally... I'm so happy he didn't drive away. He literally, nonchalantly, walked through a garage, an aviation garage, and then got on the tarmac and tried to steal the plane. Wait, by the way, is no one editing down his quotes at all?

No. They're leaving every double sentence, word, doubling back. Ready for Greg Mahomes' favorite part? We're not done with this quote. The police got there and said, where's he at? And I said, he's right there on the wing of the plane. Where's he at? You know that the only editing you're doing is editing out of the amount of times he said,

son of a bitch and goddammit. I'll tell you goddammit, the son of a bitch is right there on the wing of the amount of times he said son of a bitch and god damn it i'll tell you god damn it the son of a bitch is right there on the way you can't say that on an air at a newspaper sir this is the best day of greg mole's life he's having a blast kids i'll get you back to your mother give me time she will understand this son of a Right. And it's not his kids. It's not legal to separate. These are his nieces and nephews. Kids, I will get you to ballet practice. No, you can't call them or go to the bathroom. This guy's on the goddamn wing of the plane.

I told you to go when we left. Their mom had to work late. He was the last resort to pick them up from school. Oh, yeah. And he has now, back to John Candy, he has uncle-bucked these kids. He's carpooling them towards danger. On a high-speed chase. On a high-speed chase.

So he goes into the hangar. So did Mo Veloso drive onto the tarmac with the kids? He followed his ass all the way to the wing. Just right. Hawk plows through the gate. All right, goddammit, we're going this way now. Follow right up. Dodging 747s.

Doing my duty. It's not your duty. Kids, we're legally bound to follow this guy. No, citizens arrest. Citizens arrest. Noging 747s. Doing my duty. Kids are legally bound to follow this guy. No, you're not. Citizens arrest. No, you're not. To which he would look at you in the eye and go, the hell? The hell I am. The hell I am.

The hell I'm not. The hell I am. Like, sir, no, you are. I'm saying the hell I am. You mean the hell I'm not. No, the hell I am. Well, now we're all confused. Lieutenant Eric Harper, who was nearby in a marked patrol car, responded to the area and made contact with Mahoville. Which means to me, Mahoville is now running point on this investigation. Everything goes through me.

I see that son of a bitch right over there. I'm going to set up a triage over there. I got jurisdiction over dumbasses in this county. Why do you think I drove all this? The FBI doesn't horn in on Mahalville. If you have a question for me, you take it to the kids. The kids then bring me your question. I will sort through the question.

He's one of those guys who speaks in that sing-songy tongue. You bring the kids the questions. I will sort through those questions. I will then answer those questions. The kids will then bring you back my answer. This is how it works when I run the point on something. Oh, man.

Mahovil, at this time, Mahovil pointed... I love this guy so much. He pointed out... And you know what? He really is stealing the thunder. Yes, of course. He's having a hell of a day. Who are we talking about here? We're talking about the guy who is documenting this. He's just the witness.

He's been deputized by the end of the story. We are not even talking about a guy who has hijacked this other... No pun intended about a guy on a wing, but he's hijacked his story. At this time, Mahovil pointed to Hawk, who had run through a business, Double M Aviation, and entered the airfield owned by the city of Lakeland. had run through a business, Double M Aviation, and entered the airfield owned by the city of Lakeland. The suspect made it to a ramp when Lieutenant

Harper ordered Hawk to stop running several times as he ran around several planes. They now are doing a yakety sack. Running around planes. It's not like a kitchen counter. Go ahead. No, you go. Here's the thing. So far, I've done all of this in GTA and Grand Theft Auto.

You do exactly this. You're on a bike. You hop into a van. You just drive onto the airport. You steal a plane. Once you drive onto the airport, the cops are after you, but you just got to stay along long enough until you can get in the plane and mash R2 and you're going.

This is this guy's plan. He is literally following everything from a Grand Theft Auto. This is worrisome to me as a video game player because, you know, people say, oh, kids are going to emulate what they see in the video games. He is literally doing that. I'm a little concerned. You're wearing a white Peter? Yeah.

Well, the truth of the matter is. He's got a huge afro and a clown shirt, and he's got some crazy... He really went to town on the character creator. Really went to town, yeah. Well, the idea that... I remember reading, and I've talked about this many times before, there's a great book about the entire porn industry,

the entirety of the porn industry, written by Legs McNeil, great writer, great author. And he talks about these two guys who tried to bust up this porn ring down... In Florida. In Florida. And there are two cops who went

undercover and they went so deep undercover that like one of them couldn't come back no he could not come back from how deep undercover he was he didn't want he didn't want to or he like my new life yeah he kind of was like david david david no it's sale so anyway so he like he did something outside of a grocery store that he actually got busted by cops and then he kind of was claiming

to be this character and just couldn't come back from it maybe this guy's played so much Grand Theft Auto that Hawk is like I can't come back

I'm this guy this is my life I can't come back yeah he's too deep I like the idea of them running around airplanes because I was saying

that's not like a kitchen island where you can be like, this is literally like a minute and a half of like, shit, he went back. You're just constantly running. What kind of airplanes are these? Are these

like American Eagle airplanes or are these privately? Cessna, small, maybe flying lessons. Someone's keeping theirs in the hangar. I didn't have it looked up, but Hawk then jumped onto the wing of a taxiing 1978 Piper PA

228R. It was moving. It was running and preparing to taxi down the runway. Hawk started pulling the door of the plane to gain extra. So he gets up on the wing, is hanging on, then gets to the door gain extra so he gets up on the way on the wing is hanging on he's like gets to the door this is like when the gibbon was on the wing of uh

the twilight zone movie right yes for anyone who hasn't seen that sorry i'm so that's full that's good yeah uh he pulling on the door to gain entry to the plane lieutenant harper pursued hawk onto the wing a piper pa-32 a pa-28r okay pa-32? A PA-28R. Okay. PA-28R. PA-32 is a completely different plane. All right. This is someone who's like, they just got their pilot's license.

Like, I'm finally going to go up all by myself. All by myself. Okay, so it's a small prop plane. Tiny little prop plane. This is my first time. I'm 100 hours in the cockpit. Yeah, the guy who's driving it is like, I'm fine, guys. I really, you know, and there's shit. Just like just like the lesson yeah but imagine that guy's radio call like uh something is mad

there's a man on your wing you're gonna have to turn that thing around oh they're just hazing me that's just how they haze you sure guys yeah this is the airport giving me the business that's how air traffic control your first time, they always haze you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is classic. Jeff from baggage coming up here. Lieutenant Harper pursued Hawk onto the wing of the plane. And in my mind, Mahoville's right behind yelling, get him!

Don't let him go! You need me to throw you a rope? No, I don't need anything. I'll tell you to get him. I'll yell at you to get him. You go and get him. I got an airsoft rifle if you want it. He totally does.

You are 100% on that. Oh, man, that's pro. He gets him on the wing of the plane. At this point, Lieutenant Harper gets on the plane, and he pulls Hawk out of the airplane just as he had gained entry. This came down on the wire. Yep. This guy deserves it.

Jesus, this guy. This guy doesn't deserve a Purple Heart. He deserves a Purple Heart. That's terrifying if you're in the cockpit of the plane because you're so helpless when you're sort of like behind a... Yeah, you're strapped in. Yeah, you're driving a plane. You're flying a plane.

I went up to the airplane and grabbed the suspect as he was entering the cockpit. The plane was running. The pilot was getting ready to taxi to the runway. Lakeland Police Lieutenant Eric Harper, our guy, said, I got into a struggle with the suspect and removed him from the cockpit. We fell to the ground where I ended up eventually subduing him and

taking him into custody. I hope that means ground outside the plane. This was like a Die Hard 2 situation. Hawk was transported to the Lakeland Police Department. Lieutenant Harper told the news the suspect admitted that he planned to hijack the plane. If I wouldn't have grabbed a hold of him, the suspect's statements were, after I arrested him, he was going to force the pilot to fly him somewhere. That's not how that works.

Yeah. Nope. Nope. They don't even say that he had any weapon or anything like that. He had $384 on him from what he stole from the Dodge van that he took over. Who has $300 in a Dodge van?

Well, he's getting tools out of the bag. Maybe it's a cash business. Okay. Everything's under the table with these guys. True. What's crazy to me is

I didn't realize that the surveying business was a cash business. I forgot he's a surveyor. Everything is under the table. I guess. Dude, remember those good old days

back when this story started? Talking about cameras that weren't cameras in the middle. Dan, I get why you're impressed because he made the smart choice of going to like a small airport and not like a major airport. Couldn't have done this at like an international airport. I feel like we've said this a lot lately on other episodes of Dumb People Town. This seems to show up. The incident is something I will never forget.

Lieutenant Harper said, I've never seen something like this in my life that is great hawk was charged with two counts of grand theft one count of trespassing one count of burglary to an occupied conveyance which is the airplane and resisting arrest i'm gonna ask you guys now how old how old is g A. Hock? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age.

Guess the age. We're going. Oh, boy. Bike, van, running around an airport, getting onto a plane, getting into a plane. Can I just ask, I just want to know before I guess the name. Was there any drugs involved? They do not list any drugs involved. That's crazy.

You can go first or last or you can take the Tig Notaro slot and go second. I'll take the Tig Notaro slot. So Jay, you go first, then Adam, then me. Who am I if Tig Notaro is to take it? She I'll take the Tig Notaro side. Okay, fine. So Jay, you go first, then Adam, then me. This guy is four. Who am I if Tig Notaro is to take it?

She lays it out there. You got to follow her. What Tig does isn't good enough for me. Well, we always let people go first or last, and Tig was the first to say second.

So that's the Tig Notaro. Guys, this guy's 42 years old. 42 from Jason Scott. Adam, what do you think? It's a feeling. Is it close or is it Price is Right style? No, it's close.

It's straight up. Not who goes over. It could be over. I always want to do Price is Right style. When it's a feeling. Is it close or is it Price is Right style? No, it's close. Not who goes over. It could be over. I always wanted to be Price is Right style. You could be one over and you're good. When it's not applicable. Okay, I'm going to say he was 35 years old. 35.

Any rationale behind that? I honestly was going to say 40s. So you said 40s, so I was forced. Forced you down a little. Yeah, I was a lower hire, probably lower. How old are you right now? I'm 34. Okay, so you're kind of in his range.

You're like, I kind of understand this guy. I relate to this guy. I would love to have that type of energy to be able to run down a plane. I think he is young, but he looks like he's way older. He's young, and he thinks he knows everything about the world. I think he's 26. 26 years old. Wow.

I think he's 15. Planes, trains, and automobiles, a.k.a. bikes, Dodge vans, and planes. Gregory Ahok. And if you're listening at home, feel free to play along with us. Guess right now. Pause it and guess. His age is 37 years old. Oh, yeah.

Adam Conover ruins the age game. I love it. Pretty good, pretty good. Phenomenal. I love it. Here you go. One story down in the books. This is how we do it on Dumb People Town.

When we come back, we get to hear what Adam thought was the story. It still might be. It still might be right here on Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make a it sound there's more hey guys welcome back to dumb people tom want to mention to everybody we're going to just mention this from here now until february until we sell this damn show out and we're mentioning a second show a second show hopefully we will do at the bell house we're doing a live dumb people town so excited to be doing that on february 25th it's a sunday night if you go to the bell house it's on our website superschoolers.com that you

can buy the tickets or you can go to the bell house website if you go to it uh just look it up it's it's on the calendar uh and we got uh the girls from uh guys we fucked i love those guys uh corinne and christina they are great and to have them on the show i know they have a really big following it'll be really cool to pair that up they are super funny so funny and they'll be perfect for this show so but get your tickets their fans are going to get tickets that link is live when there's tickets are already selling out and we're so like so many tickets are already being sold i just it fans are going to get tickets for that show. That link is live. Tickets are already selling out and so many tickets are already being sold.

It's probably going to be before you know it you'll be like oh I want to go to that and it's done. So do it and then we'll see if we can't schedule another one

after that. But like we said there are certain people who are perfectly suited for this show. And I think we should remind people too if anybody who didn't

get to go or has already forgotten dumb people townies get to become a real part of the show when we do a live one. Like, you know, bring some headlines that you've seen and stuff like that. And we took a whole group photo together with everybody when we did one here in LA. And we're going to do the same thing there. So it's a live show and you really get to be a part of it,

which is why we tend to call it like a Dumb People Town Hall. Town Hall. Essentially it's going to be a Dumb People Town Hall. So wait, Adam Conover, who is with us and can be followed on Twitter. Yes. At? At Adam Conover. Easy.

Nice. Look at that. Easy. Do that. Follow that. Can the show be followed on Twitter as well? Yeah, it's at Adam Ruins. Okay.

At Adam Ruins. Follow the show as well. And again, check it out. Watch the show. Watch the show. You'll love it. You guys will dig it. Tuesdays at 10 p.m.

Come on. Tuesdays at 10 p.m. It's information. Support True TV. We're on True TV. Yeah, exactly. We're on the show, Those Who Can't. And I love being a You guys will dig it. Tuesdays at 10 p.m. Tuesdays at 10 p.m. It's information. Support True TV. We're on True TV. Yeah, exactly. We're on the show Those Who Can't

and I love being a part of this channel. I love being, I did a pilot for those guys. We love it. You know what's great about True TV and this is,

look, I'm not even here to promote the show but what I love about it is that they're the only basic cable channel. They're in the 75 channel package. They're not in the 200 channel package. You get them with a basic

and they're the only channel that takes risks anymore. It does great. It does great stuff. Like old Comedy old comedy central or old adult swim that's the place true tv is and it's really exciting crazy stuff they do i love it and again for a show like yours that has the information but at the same time is super entertaining and how it then gets packaged and sent out i am a sucker for that type of programming so a lot of our fans are as well so check that out now what was the story you thought? Because you just read one.

Yes. Well, I was like, what could it be? I'm almost worried. Maybe you guys aren't doing it because it's slightly too tragic. Okay. It might be. We'll still dig. The story is there was a guy at Burning Man.

Oh, yeah. He ran into the fire. He ran into the Burning Man. They do the 40-foot tall effigy of a man. And I saw a picture, a wide picture. It's like they station people a quarter mile away. Yeah, there's two lines of security or whatever you want to call it. It's like far.

How did he get through? I just looked it up. I should look this up. He broke through a human chain of safety personnel red rover red rover send this person on over and then boom right he ran straight into the flames and then fell i saw photos but it's like he was like silhouetted so you see him like trip and fall and he like fell into the flames and they're like chasing it they're're trying to save him. But you can't go in after him.

Once he goes in, that's it. Well, you can only go so far. It is called Burning Man. I don't think anyone... We don't want anyone to die. It is Burning Man, but we don't want any men to burn. Don't live up to the name of the festival.

Is there a way to do Burning Man without the fire? Like, I mean, at this point, that's not really what it's about. I know Burning Man is about no rules. It's about community. I have friends that have gone up there, like old friends who are...

Moshe Kasher was a big Burning Man guy. Our friend Andy Wood. Half of it, to me, when I talk to people who go, I'm like, half of it sounds amazing. Like, I like the idea. Artwork. Yeah.

Nakedness. Community. Community. I showed up with nothing. I showed up with nothing. No clothes on. And in 12 hours, I had a place to sleep. I had clothes on and I had food.

I had friends. Yes. Together, we all watched another person burn. I mean, it was like a full. Come on. Is that bad? Is that? Yeah. Half of it seems, yeah, insufferable and very, like, you know, uncomfortable. we all watched another person burn. I mean, it was like a full... Come on! Is that bad? Is that wrong?

Half of it seems insufferable and very uncomfortable. You have to go to that place in your brain where you're like, I accept all of this. That's where you... If you're going up to Burning Man... You can't go to Burning Man

with one hint of a comedian's critical eye. You can't go to Burning Man and be like, who the fuck is this guy over here? You can't go to Burning Man with just half of your clothes on. You got to take them all off before you get on there and just wear like a gas mask. All right. Well, that is not our story.

No. But that is a crazy story. That is. You and I both had a story. So he had a story about the guy burning at Burning Man and I had the story about the woman who pulled out a gun at the Novi Walmart. All right. Here's another one.

Dumb People Town is finally getting its pizza place. Oh, yes. Sent in by Kyle. Which was showbiz. Spiker. What was that? What was the movie?

Did you see the documentary about the showbiz pizza? Oh, the band? I've heard about that. Yeah. The Bears. The showbiz pizza band. Oh, God.

That documentary was insane. I didn't. It's an insane documentary. But I was Googling this stuff, the animatronic band, because I know there are fans of the animatronic band. And I saw a guy who had, because there are people who are such fans of the band that they buy the old hardware.

Yes. And this was a guy who had assembled like an animatronic wolf in his living room. And it was like an instructional video of like, here, I got one of the old records and I'm going to turn it on but the robot had none of the clothes on so it was just like the metal spike

and then it didn't have the fur either it was just the eyes and the mouth and he was just like absolutely terrifying he was just like a demo video of like for other hobbyists here's me turning on my animatronic wolf and using the original record but it was a 10 minute horror show animatronic wolf and using the original record but it was a 10 minute

wolf could mean a lot of things that could be a guy jerking off into a place sound crass here but i would rather see an actual person burn than look at that i'm sorry uh or would you rather see rock-a-fire explosion that's what a documentary rock-a-fire explosion did you hear you know why i was because chucky Cheese is actually retiring their animatronic band. Why? So the age of the animatronic band

and kids entertainment is over. Yes. I think it was just too hard to like pack up all the instruments and you know.

The load in load out's a bunch. The animatronic roadies. It's just paying the animatronic roadie union was really got to be out of hand.

The idea that there's some poor, long-suffering, like, 45-year-old roadies hauling metal robots from Chuck E. Cheese to Chuck E. Cheese. This fucking wolf gives me an eye again, I swear to God. Fuck these guys. God damn it. They're all goddamn scarves, man. They never carry their own equipment. Cream of Donuts.

Put it over here. Put it over there. Get me an extra guitar. I swear to God, I'm going to punch this gorilla in his throat. Say something, you son of a bitch. That's right. Look at me funny one more time, and I swear to God, I'm going to kick you in your giraffe nuts.

Yeah, I'll put the microphone right here. God damn it. So this story, though, was sent in by Kyle Spiker. Then he has an American flag emoticon. Way to rock it, buddy. And TV Kyle. And I probably said his last name wrong, but I feel like I've done it before, so at least I'm consistent.

Yes. All right, here we go. I'm going to do this in horrible newsreader speak, because that's how they wrote it. Sing-songy. Bread spicks. Nope. Bread sticks. Bread sticks.

breadsticks nope breadsticks breadsticks breadsticks and wings weren't the only sides available at a Papa John's in Washington State

I love it when these stories begin with a J here comes boom this is what my mind hears after I hear that initial sentence

here comes a garter snake right I'm gonna ask or a bowl of jizz like it's a garter snake they weren. I'm going to ask. Or a bowl of jizz. Like, it's a garter snake. They weren't the only sides available. No, I'm going to ask you guys.

The sides. I'm going to give you three options. I don't care if you all choose the same thing. Were the sides sexual? Were the sides drugs? Or were the sides some form of exotic animals? Okay. I think it's drugs.

I think because that fits the joke structure best. I'm going to say drugs. I'm going to say exotic animals. You're sticking to that snake thing? I'm sticking to it. Cooked or alive? Cooked or alive? Cooked.

According to local law enforcement, until recently, an off-menu item at the pizza restaurant was cocaine follow the structure adam i love that an off-menu are they gonna start doing like an in and out thing like what is this i hope they keep the joke going is it but is that like i mean off-menu at papa john's i mean i think you can get coke at most papa john's i don't know why they're making a big deal yeah exactly can i get that animal style uh a six-month joint investigation by the king county sheriff's office and the police department in sammamish like three m's in there somewhere just east of seattle resulted in the arrest of five people two of whom

are accused of selling drugs. What did the other three do then? If this is a drug bust are the other three like mouthing off? Promoting?

Yes. Promoting drugs? Selling drugs out of a Papa John's. Do you think that franchise owner was like we get a lot

of repeat business. Yeah. This is amazing. I got customers that come in three, four times a day. Franchise of the month once again. How do you do it?

I'm just going to say that we have the most confident customers. The poor manager of this place. Because you know the manager is the one guy in the dark, and he's like, I keep getting invited to the national sales meetings because we're doing so well. We're literally off the charts. You guys, you make me so proud every day. Thank you. They're making his career work.

He's like, I just wish I had half of the enthusiasm of our customers. He's like, I walked in the other day, I had three customers cleaning the place. Literally, picking up the booths, which are nailed down. I don't understand that. They just kept saying, clean up. Cleaning their teeth with their fingers. Just guys with a lot of energy. Over and over. We go through a lot of energy. Over and over.

We go through a lot of Kleenex, though. Cocaine off the menu. According to the sheriff's office, in December 2016, Sammamish police received a tip that Papa John's employees were selling cocaine. Now, who knows that this Papa John's sells cocaine, but then also calls the cops about it? You understand that Venn diagram's got to be very small. Also, I'm not a pizza hut across the street. That's right.

Thank you. They're like, all we're doing is selling meth. They're doing great. I'm hearing dominoes falling right now. Wrong. It was Greg Mahalville. I went down to the goddamn Papa John's. Hold on, sir.

What's your location? Sir, I'm out here right now. Can you believe this? No, we, yes, we can, sir. We can believe it. Please don't say goddamn, sir. I hear children behind you. There are goddamn cocaine kingpins working at this goddamn pop.

I see the son of a bitch right there. Okay, sir. They were notified that a tip that they were selling cocaine. The workers would make the sales in the franchise's parking lot. Undercover detectives were sent to the Papa John's and managed to buy drugs from two employees four different times. At least two more times than you need. Once to be like it's happening. Twice to be like it works.

Three and four. That's for the cops, right? That's for the cops. That's like, wait, we're hooked on this now. What happened? This is great pizza. The cops were like, wait, before we bust it,

we should probably survey this for another six to eight months. I can't believe this worked because this is the kind of thing, my mom would say this about like every business in my town growing up. Be careful, they're selling drugs.

Where she was like, no, it's a front because I go in there and there's never anyone in there. It's a front. So how do they stay open's never anyone in there. So how do they stay open? They're selling trucks. I love that your mom instilled it in you to ask the question

is this, what is wrong? What I'm seeing. How come what I'm seeing is in question? Your mom was like, there's something incongruent here and I need to dig deeper. I love that. My mom's a conspiracy theorist and I try to keep it. And I have made money off of a conspiracy theorist, and I try to keep... There you go. And I have made money off of it.

The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, which I have a theory about that. I feel that way about so much of LA. Anytime somebody's like, how's this place even a business? I'm like, it's a front. Front. They're just laundering money. That's all. They're maybe not selling drugs.

They're not doing anything. No criminal activity is happening there other than they're just laundering money. So I have a legitimate question about this this because I'm not a cocaine guy. And you never have been. Never have been. I feel like it feels like a high-priced drug. You know what I mean? Who's going to a fast food pizza place?

But that's like a cultural association, right? You know, like the 80s. Yeah, well, you think of... Wall Street. Andrew McCarthy. You know, cocaine and crack, how those are treated differently. Yeah, well, you think of... Wall Street. Andrew McCarthy. Cocaine and crack, how those are treated differently. Yeah. Right.

So if you said crack, if the story was crack instead of cocaine, you would have been like, oh, makes total sense. But then cocaine, you think of white collars. But crack, meth, heroin, oxy, even all that stuff to me feels like it could be being sold in a... Little Caesars. Right. Pizza. That's the incongruous part. Why not... Little Caesars. Right. Pizza, pizza.

That's the incongruous part. Why not a Little Caesars? I think in areas... So they're outside of Seattle. Maybe there is some sort of affluence. I don't know. But I think also it speaks to maybe the grade of cocaine. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I mean... Papa John's cocaine's not that good. It's good if you're in a jam and you need something really fast that night. It's cut with oxygen. If you really, really want a lot and you just want to have a lot of cocaine and you don't care what it does, then you go to Barber Shop. I mean, we don't understand the...

I don't know that much about the cocaine market. You know, despite... I know I associate it with Jeremy Piven types, but that doesn't mean that that's what cocaine always is. We don't know. I've no clue. I've watched Narcos. That's about as far as I get on it.

That's it. That's it. So the workers, they did this... What did I say? Two employees did it four different times with the undercover cops. Great. Quote, what the detectives would do is they'd order a pizza and go out and wait in the parking lot, Sergeant Cindy West said.

The employee would bring the pizza out and in the box would be cocaine. Wow. Guys, that is how pizza works. We need a delivery system. We have a delivery system. We have a delivery system. I'm concerned about that delivery system because isn't the steam from the pizza going to melt the cocaine?

Or is it going to get a little moist or whatever? I mean, that's an issue with delivery pizza. You know, that's why it gets soggy because of all the heat. Great, great. Well, I wouldn't worry about that if it was Little Caesars because Little Caesars is, by label,

hot and ready. Yeah. Papa John's, I don't know. Maybe they're putting on that little tent that comes in the center. I don't understand hot and ready because hot and ready, that means old. It means old and sitting out. It doesn't speak to quality of taste at all. It means we made it a while ago.

Remember when Coors is like, the best thing about our beer is how cold it gets, right? Every beer is cold. I think I do that part. Yeah. I can handle that. I can make it even colder in the freezer. The best thing about that guy is his personality. Investigators dubbed it Operation Extra Olives.

The Operation... Well, now they're just having fun. Well, get ready, though, because the operation, this is a quote, got its name because every time they'd order pizza, they'd say, give it extra olives. And when the alleged drug dealers ran out of coke, they introduced the detectives to their friends, according to law enforcement. So, in order to get cocaine at this Papa John's, all you had to say was, extra olives. How many people got cocaine and didn't want it?

Just wanted extra olives. Honey, it's like a pizza powder or something. Did they put Parmesan in a packet? It's right next to the melted garlic butter. I think you just dip it in. Yeah, dip it all in. Yeah, I mean, you're supposed to dip. This must be a new promotion.

It's like everything's coming up mull over today. Ah, mull over. You give me the cocaine. I talk to you. We give it to the kids. They are now hyped up. Quote, when we went to purchase the drugs, they didn't have any. So they sent us to another one, West told the news organization.

The same thing happened, so they sent us to another one. Okay. I'm just going to say this. Three Papa Johnses? I guess, yes. Can I say this? I'm assuming they're not doing their job that well as workers at Papa Johns, although they have to do it to a certain level so that no spotlight is shown on them for doing shoddy

work. So I am thinking of my own kids and I'm thinking about how difficult it is for them to do their homework, do their activity, do one task. These people are working at a Papa John's and making it seem like their everything is good and they're running a side drug business on the side. Kudos for

multitasking. I'm just going to say that right there. Multitasking. Well, Friday morning, detectives from the police department and the other police departments involved executed search warrants, including places at the Papa John's. And according to the news release, detectives ultimately found. I'm going to ask you guys how much cash from this cocaine business did the cops find? They also found ecstasy, marijuana, oxycodone, LSD, and methamphetamines. Sure. So full service.

LSD, wow. Yeah. You don't really think of LSD. Better drugs. Papa John's. LSD is a different kind of drug, I would think. LSD is like, you're going to actually speak directly to Papa John right here. Sorry, so how much cash?

How much cash? Do you want to go first slot or do you want to go first or last? It was in the, I'll take the tick slot. Okay, good. How much cash was put in there? Randy scored. $9,000. $9, to go first. How much cash was found there? Randy scored. $9,000. $9,000.

Jason scored. Jay, how much cash? I'm going to say $12,000. $12,000. I'm going to say $20,000. Whoa! $20,000. Okay.

Nine to me seemed like... Between the search warrants executed, including the Papa John's, and I don't know if the other two, they don't even say, they might all three have been Papa John's. Maybe. They found $28,000. Whoa! Two for two! And if you count it, I guess drugs three

for three. Yes! Drugs three for three. The guy's on fire. Extra olives, guys. That's all you gotta ask for is extra olives. So does that mean maybe the manager was in on it if the money was found at the Papa John's.

That's the thing I wonder. How many people working on a given shift know about it? Is this a Los Pollos Hermanos situation? It could be. Chicken man. The chicken brothers. The chicken man.

I love it. That is story two, down in the books. I don't think anyone was stupid in that story, I got to say. No, I guess, although if the books. I don't think anyone was stupid in that story, I gotta say. No, I guess. Although, if you are running it out of a Papa John's, which is a, you know what I mean? I feel like for drug buying and selling, you have to be somewhat nibble.

If you're in the same place doing it at the same thing every day. You're gonna get busted. You're gonna get busted. Here's my two dumb parts. If the only way to get coke is saying extra olives, you're too easy. Too easy. Yes. Because I can figure that out.

And the other thing was, if two people are constantly coming by and buying drugs and you've never met them before and there are these cops. You're not doing background checks. Someone needs to be like, is the manager here? I'd like to apply for a job. Okay. Come back to the job. There should be a box at the bottom of the application that

says do you want the special job on the thing they check that one wait here and then we'll they just make special forms yeah special forms a lot of people apply for jobs but we just haven't hired the number one thing you want like if you're addicted to drugs you're good at filling out forms totally yeah you gotta be so the thing i want to, has Papa John put out his, put out a statement? I think he has to put out a statement. I mean, multiple,

multiple Papa Johns this is happening at. Multiple franchises, money found in the restaurant. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ask yourself, is,

is Papa John himself implicated? Yeah. Well, you see the kingpin. Well, isn't that what this, song was a big, a smalls. I love it when you call me Big Papa John. There you go. This is like, this is like the wire situation John himself implicated. Yeah, you see the kingpin. Well, isn't that what the song was of Biggie Smalls?

I love it when you call me Big Papa John. There you go. This is like the wire situation where he's like Avon Barksdale. He's all the way up. We can't touch him. Papa John is up in the tower. This Papa John is just one of the corners. There's a lot of corners.

Please don't sue me. This is fantasy. I'm just spinning out of fantasy. I don't want to be sued by Papa John. I'm sure he has no involvement in the criminal enterprise I always say we haven't said it in a while

almost every single thing we say just put the word allegedly allegedly and we're good to go so you were saying Adam you were saying you were saying

he doesn't want to get in trouble with Papa John I get it alright listen Papa John don't come after us you guys stick around we have a break and then one more story

and then a more story. And then a voicemail from the friendliest TSA agent in the world at this point. Yeah, he's lonely. His name is Michael Kissick. He works at Midway Airport. We'll talk to him. We'll actually hear from him right after this. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Don't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Dan, you got one more story to take us home, brother? I do. Oh, by the way, we should mention, we should say this because we are going to be, and this was kind of late announced, but for all of our Dumb People fans,

Dumb People Town fans in the Austin area, we're doing shows with our good friend Martha Kelly. Martha Kelly from Baskets, who I love so much. She's so funny. We did doing shows with our good friend Martha Kelly. Martha Kelly from Baskets who I love so much. She's so funny. We did a show with her once at South By. We did and she's so great. So she lives in Austin

and she's going to feature for us as we headline shows at Cap City this weekend. This drops on this Tuesday. You guys will be there. We'll be there. It's like the 14th through the 16th.

Thursday, Friday. That's a great club too. It's one of the best. Great club. Great feature act with us and we always love being there so all of our Austin peoples come on out

we have I think from the last time we did stand up there maybe about 15-20 minutes of new material that we've been cycling in so we're super excited

about that come out and see us we'd love to see you Cap City this weekend we'll write some new material about you alright here we go bring us home

first thing I want to say and I'm going to say this for Adam. Yeah. One of my favorite episodes from your show was where you taught everybody how jaywalking came to be.

Yeah. And John Millhiser was in that episode. Yes, John Millhiser. Yeah, a good friend of mine. He's so funny. It was all about how they,

what would you say, they villainized people who walked in the street. Villified. Villified, that's what I was Yeah, so the street, the public street used to be a public place, especially in cities, where, you know, anybody, you know, like people would play in the street.

People would cross the street at any moment. Water, like the stickball in the street. And that's how you would have your sidewalk sell, because the sidewalk was used, storefronts and sitting. And then you had, you know, you had people, horse-drawn carriages and stuff, you know what I mean? But like, you know, everyone sort of coexisted. What happened was cars, when cars came along, they started killing people because they were going so much quicker. They started killing children.

It was considered a major scourge. Think about it. You're living in a world. Suddenly there's this new machine. It's killing children on your street, right? What's your natural reaction? Well, we got to get rid of these machines. They're killing people.

You shouldn't be allowed to have them. No, we've got to start punishing the people for staying in the street. Yeah, and that's the switch. They were actually going to, they were talking about their campaign to have like, you know, put regulators on cars so they couldn't go above 20 miles an hour,

stuff like that. And so the car industry were like, so we've got to get ahead of this. And they started promoting the idea that they invented the term jaywalking um which before that had been a slur for for a country bumpkin like who would walk around like look at the buildings like staring up there's a great uh 99 invisible podcast about this too if you guys it was a great podcast um but uh and so they so they they labeled the idea of walking not at a corner or not with a signal as jaywalking.

And they started a campaign where they would, you know, they got cops to start yelling at people for doing it. And they would, you know, after accidents, they would, you know. Blame the person. And they would put out, they started their own sort of news service. Called Fox News? Close enough. Where they would send clippings to newspapers, but the clippings would blame

the pedestrian for getting hit, because, oh, a jaywalker was hit when they crossed the street at the wrong time by the... Can we stop all this street shaming? Yeah. And so then we end up with this world where now, if you think about it, think about how much space in our city is devoted

to a place that, if you're on foot, you cannot go there. It's a no man's land. And it's your fault if you get hit. Totally. And I'm reminded of this great documentary called My Architect about Louis Kahn, who is a great architect who had plans to make Philadelphia the center of this incredible walking city. Yes. And this was probably in the 60s is what i'm saying and he was basically anti-semitism shot his ideas down but there was a point in time where philly could have been just

this beautiful walking city but they said no can't do that and maybe if it was an idea brought by somebody else it would have worked but again talking about like being able to walk around in a public place that that would have been it. That would have been the new direction. I thought of that episode because I was recently telling this to a friend of mine who hadn't seen that episode. I said this. I go, essentially, anytime you've been to Disneyland or Disney World on their little main street, that's what it used to be.

Yes. You could walk anywhere. Americana or the Grove. Yeah. That was the people's area to just walk around. And then they vilified people to be like, oh, you're an idiot if you're in the street. And they could have built cities. They could have continued with that sort of planning.

But we sort of made this big cultural decision to go with the car about 100 years ago. Everything will be old cars all the time. And in my opinion, it's like the biggest mistake, one of the biggest mistakes in American history. I mean, not the biggest. Slavery would be the biggest. But, you know, it's like up there and now every city in the country is trying to dig their way out of it like LA is just

you look at the way people who are planning LA now they're just like, oh we screwed up this city we made a massive mistake now we need to slowly reverse the damage let's build mass transit which never existed before which you used

for a while Dan when you didn't have a car alright so we got one last story here we go yes here's a sad thing

I don't know who sent this to me I'm at a loss or whatever so at me on Twitter or on Facebook and show me your tweet or write us

and follow us on the Facebook page I'll try to give you a shout out yeah the Facebook page has been growing continues to grow. It's facebook.com slash dumb people town.

Join it. Become part of the community. Way over 10,000 people. You will see all the pictures of all the things we're talking about here and all of the backstories. The walking map is up. The walking map is up. Yeah. All right, here we go.

Meet Tabitha Lehman and Craig Schultheis. Schultheis. Schultheis? S-heis. Schultheis? S-C-H-U-L-T-H-E-I-S. Schultheis. I had a friend growing up named Adam Schultheis. He was a bass player

in my high school band. Really? He really loved Primus and as all bass players did in 1998. And his name was Adam Schultheis. It was spelled exactly

the same as Brown's Schultheis. Well, this is Craig. Hopefully they're related because there's lots of stories to tell. The Florida couple, I picked this. It's short and sweet. We're going to play a great round of Guess the Age at the end. I might have sent this to you, by the way. It's possible.

It's very possible. Tabitha. The Florida couple, their quotes are worth everything. I'm going to say a little at a time. If you're driving with kids in the car Turn it down for these quotes Okay The Florida couple

Was having sex in public Around 3 a.m. yesterday When a patrolman interrupted Their tryst Which was taking place Outside a closed business In Largo I don't know where Largo is

Florida It's Florida It is Florida It'll be done by Key Largo Key Largo Lehman and Montego. It's Florida. It is Florida. It'll be down by Key Largo. Key Largo. Yeah. Lehman and... Montego, baby.

Where do we go? Lehman and Schultheis were not pleased to be interrupted by Officer Logan Ward, who reported spotting both defendants, quote, naked from the waist down, performing sexual activities on each other. Oh, so they're both... So they're 69. They're 69. Or he's letting them each get around other. Oh, so they're 69. Or he's letting them each get around in. Oh, okay.

I don't know. It has to be one or the other. Or he just describes sex like an alien. Exactly. Performing sexual activities on each other. In a rhythmic slapping way. He got on top of her. He rolled over.

She was on top of her. It sounds so much more perverse if you describe sex. Greg Mahalville drove up. I'm looking. I've got the kids in the car. I mean, who does this? Who? Who? They're naked from the waist down. Who doesn't take a shirt off? Don't write it down. Answer

me. I love that Adam's version of Greg Mahalville is mad at the guy for not taking his shirt off. Forget about the fact that I'm in public sex. He's mad that they're not enjoying the time. Who does this? What are you, Seth Rogen in a movie?

Take your shirt off. Take an extra ten seconds and enjoy yourself. What are you, ashamed of your body? Part of it is skin touching skin, kid. It's 2017 body positivity. Hello? God damn it. That's too long positivity. Hello? God damn it! That's too long

of a quote. We'll put most of it in because we don't edit it this Tuesday. I got a word count. We'll put it all in. They don't have to read every word. Schultz Heiss, Logan noted,

repeatedly explained to the police officer that he was, quote, here it is. Tapping that ass. Just trying to get a piece of ass. I knew it. I was so close. Sir, officer, that's all I'm trying to do. That's all I'm trying to do.

Can't a brother get a piece of ass? I'm just trying to get a piece of ass. Officer, isn't that what we all want? Yes. I mean, I ask you in the court of public opinion, if given a chance to get a piece of ass, why are you trying to stop the ass train from pulling into the station? Officer, we've all been there, right? I just picture Craig Schultz as the cop comes up, cigarette in his mouth. Yeah.

Can I talk to you? Just come over here. Get over here. Come over here for just a minute. First of all, get out of the woman. Cigarette in his mouth. Look, come over here. All right, I'll put it out.

I'll put it out. Look, I'm just trying to get some ass. It's been a long time for me. It's been a good six months. If you knew what I know about me, and a woman said to you, we doing this at 3 a.m. in front of a business in Largo, you say yes. I don't have a shot during day hours.

This is a victimless crime. Don't listen to him! I watched. Greg Mahalva. Mahalva? I got a car full of kids. I'm taking them home for carpool. For her part,

Tabitha Lehman repeatedly declared... She put it in Lehman's terms. Oh, you have no idea. Lehman. She repeatedly declared to the officer that she was, quote, just trying to get her pussy eaten out. Oh, man.

That's all she was trying to do? That's all I'm trying to do! You done talking to him? Come over here. I'm going to tell you what I'm trying to do. I was trying to do? That's all I'm trying to do! You done talking to him? Come over here, I'm going to tell you what I'm trying to do. I'll tell you what I was trying to do. I'll tell you what I was trying to do. Our pens aren't even out for statements yet. I'm just trying to get my pussy.

I forgot to read you the headline, I love it, because it almost seems like including these two people, even the person writing this article is mad at the cop. Killjoy cop ruins Randy Florida couple's X-rated 3 a.m. public tryst. Ruins it. Like they're mad at the cop. Yeah. Come on, man. Let him finish it.

Come on, man. In the world we live in, this is free. No one's looting. No one's pulling a gun on anyone at a Walmart. You're just loving. They are just... Free love. That's it.

Sex and cigarettes, same time. Alcohol may have played a role, no shit, in the pair's public display of affection, which resulted in the arrest of Lehman and Schultheis for exposure of sexual organs, a misdemeanor. The pair was released from jail Monday after spending about nine hours

in custody. Now... They have done this in a parking lot of a Papa John's. I know. Extra olives. It gets really fun. I'm going to show you guys a picture of these two. And for a few months each year, they are the same age. No. So I'm going to make you guess their age after you get to look at the two of them. Remember, guys, you have to go onto the Facebook page.

Yeah, if you want to see who they are, you've got to join the Facebook page. And if you had to guess which one of them got to finish, you can tell by their expressions. Oh, my God. Okay, look at these two. This is going to be on the Facebook page. Look at these two. She looks so happy.

Yeah, because she got to get done. Yeah, she got her pussy eaten. She finished. She done finished. All right. Adam, because she got to get done. Yeah, she got her pussy eaten. She finished. She done finished. All right. Adam, you can pick your slot. They are the same age for a couple months every year. They're the same age.

I'm going to say... How old are Tabitha and Craig? 39. Wow. Okay. That's some hard living. 39. Well, they live in's some hard living. 39. Well, they live in Florida, so I was rounding down 10 years for Florida life.

How old are they? They're 46. I'm going to say they're 53. Wow. Someone in this room is dead on the number. My money's on Conover. He's been right all day. All day. All day.

All day here. Yeah. Killing it. Okay, Adam, tell us one more time what were your numbers? 39. 39. Randy Sklar? 53.

53. Jason Sklar? 46. 46. All right, everybody, feel free to play along at home. Get your answers in. Check the Facebook page. Craig and Tabitha.

Oh, God. You've seen them. I've seen them. Post-coital. I can't unsee it. They are 46 years old. Very nice job. Thank you very much.

I felt it. I felt it. Randy and I are turning 46. Let me just say this. If you are these people, my advice to them is please just find a dark area in a park. No one will be mad at you. If you're just out of the way where other people can see you. Their mistake was doing it in front of an old

business. By the way, it's Florida too. Do it on the beach. At night, no one's going to stop you. Just, again, find an area. You should not be stopped from having pleasure. This is a wonderful thing. You guys exploring each other's bodies is a wonderful and beautiful thing. Just

do not do it out in front of a business. All you have to do is be like, let's go around here. By the way, they got so much of it right. They both liked what each other were doing to each other. It was totally consensual. This was not a Cosby situation. It was a great time. So they were both consensual and three in the morning. Great time

to do this. It's not in the, which Malovo would have hated. Location, location, location. All right. Before we get out of here, we got a voicemail. Got a voicemail. We did mention earlier in the story we had a guy climbed on a wing of a plane. And I would love to hear if Michael Kisik, the world's nicest, kindest TSA agent. Friendliest.

Friendliest. Got his hands on Gregory A. Hawk or had to deal with that guy. How would he have handled that situation? And we have a voicemail from Michael Kisik just letting us know what he would have done in that situation. Hey, guys. Michael Kisik here calling for the Sklarbros. Mr. O'Hare only. You guys never come down here at the Midway Airport and say hi, but it's all right.

Neither do my daughters. Anyway, I wonder where they're at. You think they call it? Doesn't matter. Heard the story about you guys talking, the guy who came through on the plant. If we had one of those, i would have bear hugged them i would have ran up behind him and bear hugged them and said you know you don't have to live this life y'all you need a friend and sometimes maybe you're running from something more than you know maybe it's your maybe you're

you're running from your daughters and and you got a friend named Coors Light. And Coors Light doesn't care. But I'm not saying that applies to this guy here. I'm just saying I'd have given him a long hug, you know, and said, I'm here to sponsor your new life. Actually, on Labor Day, I worked last Labor Day because, you know, TSA stands for they don't sleep anywhere. We had to work that day and we had a guy come through here and I gave him a pat down and then I gave him a nice firm ham shake

and it was the first time in two months someone looked me in the eye I like that but maybe that will happen again I'll be working Thanksgiving as well as Christmas and the day after Thanksgiving and New Year's and New Year's Eve because you know what's the point of having a tree for one? All right, guys.

I'll talk to you soon. You know, maybe come on. Play Delta. We do one of those every once in a while through Midway. Bye-bye. This guy's got a lot going on. Had he hugged him that hard, though, and told him that story, he probably would have started crying.

Hug the angst or hug the angst out of him. That's sad. Maybe Greg Hawk starts crying. I know it's a sad voicemail. What is it about TSA agents when you're going through the airport and you see a TSA agent? I always think about their humanity more than most people I interact with. When you're handing your thing over, you're like, where does this person live? What's it like working at the airport?

Michael Kissett gives us a window into those people, and that's why we love him. And we love Adam Conover. Again, the show is called Adam Ruins Everything, and you have a podcast as well. I have a podcast, the Adam Ruins Everything podcast, where I interview, I talk to fascinating experts, scholars, and journalists, and people like that. People we have on the show, I talk to them for an hour and get into their really awesome work. Just talk to an English professor hour and get into their really awesome work. Just talk to an English

professor about grammar. Nice. Just talk to some lay about mammograms, a wonderful doctor. What about mammogrammer? What about mammogrammer? Have you talked to

someone about that? That's the grammar around mammograms. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. At Jason Sklar. Get rid of it. We can do some mammogram anagrams. All right. Well, thank you, Dan. We'll see you guys in Austin this weekend. Oh, my God.

We've got to get back to work. We've got to get back to work. We've got to get back to work.