Dumb People Town - Adam Ray - Lin Manuel Miranda Rights

Episode Date: June 23, 2020

This week Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Adam Ray to town. In story one, a man offers a matter of fact admission to a crime. In story two, a thief finds his social media is taken over when he leaves his phone at the scene of the crime. In story three a description of a mans life causes his obituary to go viral. 

Skypains Avenue Hey, Tatties, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Ray. Adam, Ray, like a ray of sunshine he comes on this show how you doing buddy thanks rand i'm good man you know what ray of sun ray of sunshine is better than what i've gotten over the years i've gotten sugar ray yep which hey ain't mad about it and yeah you're probably wondering was that pre or post mcgrath it was post post Post McGrath. It was Post. Post McGrath. Jesus. He was established. Had a stroke right there.

He was established. And so people were just like, how cool is it if we start calling you one of the most iconic, at the time we thought they were going to be, iconic bands. We were so wrong about that. We were so wrong about that. Real quick. We were so wrong about that. We were so wrong about that. Real quick, we were. Real quick Sugar Ray story,

which should be the name of a new podcast we all started together. Which, by the way, could be the title of their autobiography. Real quick Sugar Ray story. That's great. Oh, my God. Wait, now, is it just stories from fans? Yeah, it's really just the story it's a really

quick story they formed a brand they sucked then they broke up so i go see them live at bumbershoot right amazing big uh the bonnaroo of of seattle and uh and their their fly has just hit the scene and hey we are loving it collectively as a country. People can't get enough of these guys. It's on every radio station. Even country and rap is like, we shouldn't be doing this, but we can't stop what's happening to our bodies when we hear the sweet melodic tunes of Mark McGrath. So they're playing all songs that aren't fly.

Right. And people start booing. Yeah. Because they're like, dude dude you know what we came for it's like the McRib comes out and they're like have you tried our new bacon chicken nuggets no

we want the McRib what's on the menu so everyone starts booing it's probably 6-700 people he stops mid song and goes alright alright alright I thought we could play some new shit and everyone called me goes no he goes without any plural they're just like play the hit yeah yeah play the hit so everyone's like screaming and and and uh he's like i thought he's like we have other songs yeah yeah he goes come on guys like seattle you guys are supposed

to be like with it with music and like give us a chance ah he just goes fine fuck it two three hilarious i think we were i think we were performing at that bumbershoot because i remember that story but not told as well as you but like someone had said they got a ton of stuff, but we were at, that was like around 2000. Okay. Yeah. Is when that was. And we were performing at that. Yeah. God damn. Those were fun times. Well, let me ask you something because I feel like you, you, you've got your finger on the pulse of it in many ways. And I love following you on Instagram. We'll talk about that later, but do you think the world's getting dumber? Do you think, or do you think we're just seeing more of the dumb behavior? I think we're seeing more of it. I think the world's been... I mean, dude, I feel like I get a pretty solid dose of dumb

on a daily basis from not just from social media. Although once social media took on a life of its own, I think that's when we were just a lot more aware of like, oh, wow, people. My brother-in-law is married, yet wants to post, I want pussy I can smell from the bedroom, not from the kitchen. And you go, hey, man, you're the father to my nieces now. Maybe don't put that for the world to see. On Facebook, exactly. On Facebook, exactly. On Facebook, yeah. But I think it's given us a chance to, I think, really view the stupid on a larger scale.

But I mean, I think I've seen so much of it through the years on a daily basis, just from being in LA and even uh and even up in seattle but yeah i think it's i also think we're getting stupider two-part answer because of the social media because people it's have more of an opportunity to to put themselves out there so people that didn't have that to step in yeah also and i think that there is a notion i don't know that we explore this and then we'll get into our first story, of no one being exposed to other ideas outside of their own and it creating that cycle, the echo chamber. And then there is a digital paper trail, so to speak. We can see your stupidity on display in real time.

Yeah, I think that... Oh, go ahead, Adam. Go ahead. I was just going to say that the problem is, it isn't just everybody everybody who says something dumb it's how many people that they then find agree with them that's the worst that it's like like because you just got you used to be able to just kind of break the dumb people off into your life like they like that one guy but now that every one of those one guys or girls has a thousand people like you're right oh yeah they all feel like all the so then they have a like literal like

a group or movement of people who are like we do think that's what's happening like shut up you guys should have never found each other we have all these idiot hansel and gretel's that have just uh seen the movie multiplicity and they are just fucking doubling down and leaving dumb crumbs yeah for dumb crumbs for people to fucking chomp on. And everyone's like, dude, these taste good, man. I'm going to keep following my nose Toucan Sam style to the fucking idiot house. And hopefully there's a party and a drink that we can all have together. My buddy, Mark Saratella, our friend, great comic, great dude.

He told me he went through and cleaned out seven years of tweets a couple days ago. Wow. And he goes, I didn't have that many that were bad. He goes, but after he said these Vanderpump Rules girls got canceled for, I don't know the whole ins and outs of it. They were terrible. They were

awful and deserved to be canceled. I assume so. They're on a show called Vanderpump Rules. They called the cops on a black castmate. I assume so. Yeah. They're on a show called Vanderpump Rules. They call the cops on a black castmate. I don't even call it a castmate. As a joke? No.

No. They did it as a mean thing because... Like they were like, let's do this and film it and send it to Kutcher if they bring Punk back. That's it.

Basically. It was like a mean Punk. All right. Well, let's jump into the story. Yeah, that's awful. Let's jump into this right now because we have Ed Ray. Okay.

This was sent in by La Asesina. Oh, I love this person. I know. She's so great. She's so cool. Returning customer? Yeah, she returns. She sends stories and she tweets it.

She's an MMA fighter. Her name is Kate. She's badass. And she's really fun. She actually posts great things on Twitter. So thank you. She's great. Yes.

You ready for it? Here's the headline. Colorado man delivers best line ever uttered by a drug suspect. I'm going to start this article by reading you that line because it's too good to bury. Don't bury those. Is that the headline, Dan, what you read us? Yes. Colorado man has the best line ever uttered by a drug suspect.

Okay, you better be good. So it starts out. This is the quote. Quote, of course I have cocaine up my nose. It's Aspen. Yep, that is. I mean, again. Dude, that's what they say when the local news reporter's like,

so your first time to Aspen, huh? And he just says that. You know, like we didn't ask you that. You're answering questions we didn't ask you. You know you're guilty when you answer questions that they don't ask you. What are you doing, sir? I did not hit her. I didn't hit her. No one asked you.

I bet I know what you did. Now we know. How's your night going? I'm going home. Pat, it's not. They didn't ask where you were going. God didn't give you this many holes if you're not supposed to put stuff in them. I asked you if I could just go ahead of you because I'm late for my flight. You know why I pulled you over? This is my car.

Okay, again. No one's questioning whether or not it's all right. I can pee here. I can take a gun into that restaurant. No, no, no. We just asked how your day was going.

So I'll read the quote over time. Of course I have cocaine up my nose. It's Aspen. Exclamation point. When in Aspen, that is what they can make that the official logo, like the official slogan of Aspen, Colorado? You know what?

It's like in this day and age, it's not going to deter people from going. People that know about Aspen are going or they're already there. And things like that are surprisingly and unfortunately and are definitely going to probably lure in more people that are like, all right, cool. Like I was going to do Coke in Bakersfield this weekend, but Aspen seems to be pretty open to it. I don't even know how I feel. I can't even sit here and tell you. I think it's bad.

I think if you're going to wait to do Coke, I just think if people want to do cocaine, a hundred percent agree, just do cocaine. Like I don't care. And nobody should care as long as it doesn't become a problem. And you're not hurting yourself in the long run or hurting anybody else. Go for it. Here's when you't care. And nobody should care. As long as it doesn't become a problem and you're not hurting yourself in the long run or hurting anybody else, go for it.

Here's when you'll care. The first time I ever saw cocaine, and it actually was probably the catalyst for why I never participated, was at a frat party in college and a dude busted out of a bathroom. I'd never met this guy. Busted out of the bathroom,

beeline right to me and goes, dude, I'll tell you why baked potatoes are better than mashed potatoes. And I was nope i don't you're acting like this conversation is picking up yeah like we never started this we never started getting yeah and my and i was like i go dude what's up with that guy and my buddy tory uh ruben was like uh he's like he's coked out man i go that's what coke does yeah he goes i mean it's like one of the things i go dude i'm down to talk taters but like we got to get to know each other right goes, I mean, it's like one of the things I go, dude, I'm down to talk taters, but like we got to get to know each other.

Right. And he's like, he's like, yeah, it gets you real wiry and like jittery. I mean, he was probably at like, you know, level, level eight or nine. But I mean, look, it's a harmless potato conversation. So I'm okay with it. But I agree with you. But yes. Well, of course, he had cocaine.

What did this guy do? What did he do? Well, that quote, they say here, that is what, ready for this? A Lafayette Miller Ford IV. A Lafayette Miller Ford IV. And it works out for one of my favorite things in Dumpyville Town. A Lafayette Miller Ford. His name was A Lafayette Miller Ford.

And there's a million things he hasn't done. Thank you, Lin-Manuel. I know. Now read him his Lin-Manuel Miranda rights. There you go. La Follette Miller Ford the fourth. That it just says generational wealth.

That is your full name. That is, you are a disappointment to two and three. One didn't know you. Right. One didn't know you. One didn't know you. Two carried on what one did.

Three was starting to be a disappointment to two, and you aren't even uttered in a sentence. Right. That is what Elifelet Miller Ford IV declared. The fourth? Yes. He comes from a long line of Elifelet Millers. Elifelet? Elifelet or Elifelet?

Elifelet. Elifelet. He's fallen and he will never get up. I ain't at bottom yet. He declared that... By the way, you think Chumbawamba ripped off Elifelet? Yeah, they did. They did, yes. He declared that after cops confronted

him early Monday as he allegedly prepared to snort a line of cocaine while sitting on a public bench in the Colorado Ski Mecca's downtown area. He's on the powder and in the powder. He did what your friend at that party failed to do, which is to do it in private. You know what I mean? I would think a guy like a Liefeldt Millerford IV would have a place to do, which is to do it in private. You know what I mean? I would think a guy like a Life Alert Millerford IV would have a place to do

his cocaine. A Life Alert doesn't sound like a cocaine rookie. Not at all. That sounds like a guy who's been around the block and probably too many times, so he ended up on the bench and was like, I'm tired. How do I get my energy back up? Cocaine.

I want to be the Life Alert of the the party like his dad gave him lose yeah his dad definitely was like chill out bro and he probably said out to no one in particular people complain about the lines in aspen i don't according do you think life will let the fourth is the the shittiest of the Leif Ouellettes oh yeah that's what I said for sure like do you think the grandpa the grandpa Leif Ouellette's like I was a war veteran your father

was a fucking coach for four different softball leagues and you know you're on a bench doing cocaine and aspirin Jesus oh how the mighty Leif Ouellette Miller according to an arrest affidavit two patrol officers And, you know, you're on a bench doing cocaine and aspirin. Yeah. Jesus. Oh, how the mighty life. According to an arrest affidavit, two patrol officers approached a life.

Miller Ford, the fourth and Laurel Titus was Laurel Titus. I don't know who to me. Laurel Titus is what you get in your balls when you do too much cocaine. Well, he can't get up. He can't have an erection anymore. He's got Laurel. When he pees, smoke erection anymore. He's got Laurel Titus. When he pees, smoke comes out. It's a little Laurel Titus. Well, they approached Elifelet and Laurel Titus

around 2.10 a.m. after hearing, quote, this is from the cops, what sounded like a plastic card striking the stone surface of the bench. The cops know the coke sound. Yeah. Yes. Yes. They're like, that's a line sound. Yes. That's a line chop right there.

That is a line chop. And by the way, you are chopping so loud. If cops walking by can hear that. Right. Also, do you think the cops get trained to know what coke chops sound like? In Aspen, maybe. They're like, that's either coke chop, someone's about to do a couple

bumps, or there's an impromptu game of spoons and getting ready to bust. That's right. Either way. Let's go over there, Gary. Either way. We're in Aspen. Either way. I know what we're doing tonight.

Coke shot. Ford. The fourth told the cops that the duo was, quote, just hanging out smoking a cigarette. But Officer Andrew Atkinson noticed that Ford IV was crumpling a rolled-up $10 bill in his hands and that there appeared to be a line of cocaine on the bench. It's hard to say you aren't doing coke when the cop can see the coke in front of them. Yeah, you can't deny that.

There was also two credit cards on the bench not far from the powdery substance. Like, dude, it's right there. He's, like, placing it like it's an Ansel Adams photo. Wait, but is it on the bench or is it on like a picnic table? No, they're doing lines off a bench, which, I mean, that's not that safe. No.

But it's how Daryl Strawberry did so much. It's how Daryl Strawberry died. Just when you said off the bench, I felt there was a sports joke. No, he's not dead. He's not dead. No. Dude, at some point, Daryl Strawberry and Bob Barker are just going to escape to an island and be like, everyone thinks we're dead.

That's right. What do you want to do? Let's find God. As much coke off benches as we can. When asked about the substance, Ford IV reportedly swiped the powder off the bench with his right hand which means he did leave it there no until they asked him i was like this nothing what what code this when you when you when you're a fourth when you're something the fourth you can get rid of some coke yeah when you're something the fourth you've swiped away a lot of coke in your life

after handcuffing ford the fourth officer atkinson pointed his flashlight up the suspect's nose where he spotted a white cakey substance. Yeah. After Atkinson, that's the officer, declared that he believed the substance to be cocaine. Ford the fourth replied, of course, I have cocaine up my nose. It's Aspen. There you go. Officers subsequently recovered a folded piece of paper containing cocaine that Ford had clenched in his hand. He did not want to let go of any of it.

When asked if Ford was using cocaine, Laurel Titus, who was not busted, told Officer Atkinson he may have had some. Laurel Titus. Laurel Titus. She's just dropping him under the bus. Is it a she? Do we know it's a she?

Laurel Titus sounds like a... Although Laurel and Hardy. I know. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it sounds like an old-timey lacrosse player or some weird Uno champion from the 80s. Wait. Of course, I'm doing Coke. I'm in Aspen.

What's the... If every city had... Is that kind of the same? Of course, I fed my pet alligator some leftover baby. It's Florida. Yeah, exactly. Of course, I'm doing math it's el paso you know what i mean you bet i have had a roll this is vegas of course of course of course i

fucked my stepmom's friend patty it's phoenix there it is thank you of course i knew it was nearby i knew you could drive to it yeah that I couldn't put my finger on it. Of course I can have one more drink. It's Chicago. All right. Yeah. Ford, charged with narcotics possession and resisting arrest, was booked into the Pitkin County Jail,

from which he was later released on a $2,500 personal recognizance bond. Dude, the coke costs more than that. Yeah. I ask you guys. Damn. How old, and we will get out of story one on this,

how old is Eliphant Miller Ford IV? Okay. How old is he? It's the Eliphant in the room right now. He's an Aspen. Fourth generation. Very self-assured about his cocaine use. Oh, yeah.

And trying to hide it. I feel like cocaine confidence is real. Yep. And I feel like. Hangs out with somebody named Laurel Titus. Maybe that should help you give you any sort of name. He probably drove away in a DeLorean. Right.

So how old do you think this guy is? You can go first. I honestly feel like he's early 20s. Early 20s. So give a specific age because we're going right on. 23. 23. I'm going MJ.

In honor of the last dance, I'm going MJ. 23-year-old, young, young, young confidence. I'm going to say... Defiance. young confidence. I'm going to say... Defiance. Defiance. I'm going to say he's 21. 21 years old from Jason Sklar. I think he's 26.

He has no job, no prospects. That's right. Just all trust fund. Trust-a-farian, if you will. I love that none of you think somebody named Ella Fallant and a friend Laurel is just two old people doing coke. I would love it if they were. Okay. I know if they're in their 80s, let them go. Let them have

it. He should have high fived them. Yeah. Cops are like, please just finish up. Ella Fallant. You have now called him 12 different things. Dude, if you can see this name, it's Alephalant. You sure? Maleficent. Alephalant. Is this from The Descendants

Part 3? EMF the 4th is 34 years old. Wow! He's almost over the hill. The circle gets the square. That's almost too old to be doing cocaine. I'll take that. It's not too old to be doing cocaine. I'll take that.

Alright, there you go. First story down in the books. Down in the books. Adam Ray is with us. We were talking about his amazing Instagram. He's been crushing on this after the break. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around.

Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We want to mention Randy and I have a podcast that's been kind of amazing and what's been happening with it has been insane with our daily podcast, Global Country, the Virus Edition. If you haven't checked it out, there's been some amazing stuff on it. Just, I told a story about how my daughters tried to make signs for the Black Lives Matter

movement and put it up in Silver Lake and they got ripped down. They made more signs that it got ripped down a second time. And then this woman on nextdoor.com went after my wife for defending them. And I got on next door and I was like, oh, you just fucked with a comedian. You just fucked with a roast battler. I'm not going to get ready to go down. And I just destroyed. But we told that whole story on our podcast and it made its way to someone who spoke at the eulogy of George Floyd, a preacher in there. And he mentioned us at the Memorial and we have, Oh my,

we got name checked at the George Floyd, George Floyd Memorial in North Carolina. And we have since become friends with that preacher. This is all happening and unfolding. Is that a credit now? Yeah. Dan said, you should go up on stage with that every time.

I was like good for you guys man and hey way to uh ran way that way to raise kids the right way huh i mean it just it made me well i hated the signs were anti stop it it's not gotcha gotcha and i compliment we weren't specific about what they said about what no but the truth is that rand that randy's kids are amazing kids and he has brought them up right and what this daily podcast has brought to us and it's definitely what we're seeing on your instagram page as well is that we're bringing this personal part of our lives into this thing and we put it out there we have no idea who it connects with and what and who it

inspires there's a black southern baptist preacher in Carolina named Dr. Reverend Christopher Stackhouse who listens to our daily podcast. To unwind from the difficult. To unwind from his day. It's amazing. And I say this. I feel like we have more in common with him than we do with Jewish people who vote for Trump because he supports Israel. You know what I mean? Oh, my God. That's a real thing. Jewish people who vote for Trump because he supports Israel. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like-

That's a real thing. This guy, yeah. But you know, I feel like I'm more connected with this guy who's different religion, different race, lives across the country in the South. This is our guy. I'm like- I think you found your new demo, by the way.

Your new demo. You're going to collect reverends from around the country. Let's open it up. But it is good. So that's really cool. And Dan's been doing his nightly show, which I- The Good Night Show, which I listen to every morning. It's how I wake up. Instead of going good. So that's really cool. And Dan's been doing his nightly show, the Good Night Show,

which I listen to every morning. It's how I wake up instead of going directly to the news, which depresses me. Another thing I keep watching is Adam Ray. You post amazing videos that are heartfelt and truthful about the movement. Also funny, hilarious.

Hilarious stuff. Your Robert Downey Jr. is un-fucking-believable. It's unbelievable. And you have the face, the sort of face morphing so that you look like him. What is that? Yeah, I mean, it's I started, I did a few

movies of his for ADR. And it was just really like, you know, even just auditioning for it, I was like, alright, this guy has got a little bit of, you know, Dr. Evil, but he's got his voice, you know, his lips are really at the front of his mouth and he's kind of shaky and he's like yeah i listen to dumb people down i listen a lot of things i go to look there's a lot of dumb people in the world i go to a lot of

towns a lot of people there yeah do i talk to him no do i write about them yeah i buy a blog it's robert downey jr.com rdj slow down robert downey jr he's so fast i can't go too fast there's a lot of time there's a lot there's only 24 hours in a day there's seven days a week 365 days in a year but i think you know look i'm at robert at rdj-5 uh on venmo so if you want to send me something uh yeah it's so stupid but it's uh it's hilarious because he's out of touch too and it's ridiculous he's so out of touch it's so interesting to hear him talk about stuff that's going you as him talk about stuff that's going on today i mean real quick like for me too it's like i, there's, I wish I had more voice

I could do that could like withstand. The only one I feel like I can do where I could probably talk. And I just did it on Jeremiah Watkins podcast where I played Dr. Phil for fucking, I mean, almost an hour where we just shot like a fake episode. I saw clips. It's hilarious. Yeah. That might be the only one where I can just literally talk in circles because,

and it's not like I know, have seen so many episodes to know what he embodies, but it's like, he just seems so ridiculous to me, like a caricature of a person to where if you're trying to give advice, by the way, and, and like,

and you're always, I just know that he always cuts to commercial either. Like when he's like, look, Karen, you are 529 pounds and only four foot eight that is too big to get into the the elevator or an above ground pool what you need to do okay is stop dipping baked beans into burritos wrapping cool whipped sandwiches around the top and putting hot fudge on top. You fat bitch. We'll be right back. You know? And he's just like, he cuts away before she can even like defend herself.

He gets, he gets, he gets the shot in right before he goes to break. Right before. Cause sweeps, baby sweeps, we it's a real thing. It's so good,

man. It's a great little thing. Again. So you are Adam Ray comedy, Adam, Adam Ray comedy, Adam Ray comedy. It is so good. And, and again, you've posted a bunch of your, Adam Ray comedy. It is so good.

And, and again, you've posted a bunch of your standup up there. That is just fantastic. It resonates with so many people. So I'm just, you know what? And,

and you have podcasts too. So tell people what they asked about last night, uh, sans dwarf now, but we're still rocking and rolling and, uh, and a cartoon that drops, uh,

tomorrow on Hulu, uh, called crossing swords from the robot chicken people. Awesome. It's awesome. It's a filthy medieval time show. It's all claymation. It's myself, Seth Green, Tony Hale, Winnie McLevin Covey, Nicole Yvette Brown, Adam Pally, Breckin Meyer. Phenomenal.

So, yeah, check that out. All 10 episodes, I think, of season one drop June 12th on Hulu. Yeah. I cannot wait to check that out. I'm so proud of you and psyched for you. Anim the thing that you can do uh let's let's jump into another story shall we do here we go ready okay a van a van owner took over a crook's facebook account after he found his phone in his vehicle the headline here is worst burglar on earth leaves his id and phone in van it was sent in by liz hagerty at liz hagerty love

her thank you liz so a van over took a van owner took over a crooks facebook account after he found the person's phone in his vehicle and branded him a now this comes from the sun uh or in the uk yeah branded him a it doesn't say t blank blank t what would be the english toot but they would what they would there you go this is a fun game we got it it's a fun game you get two misses landed him a twat nathan burns is accused excellent of trying to steal the van but was chased off he had his Facebook and then had, and then Nathan had his Facebook account taken over by the man whose van he allegedly tried to steal.

Okay. Jason had his cars broken into. Yeah. Week and a half ago, both cars broken into. And everything's stolen. All you want to do is human. There's driveway burglars out there. Oh yeah. So they stole all my stuff, including, like, my kids' golf clubs. It's like... Did they take your CDs?

They took all my CDs. They took all my CDs. They took some tapes, too. Did they take your cracked rear view hoodie and the blowfish? They took that, too. I had it on tape, and they took that as well. And they took my third-eye blind stuff.

We had all the CDs and a little holder on one of the visors. Oh, my God. The binder. I definitely had that. Definitely had it stolen. It was definitely so upset. Now, how am I supposed to sing? Won't you take me to step outside that lens, my friend?

Wait, they took your kid's golf clubs? That's fucked up. What a loot. I'm like, you just got like. Jay, don't you want to find out who this is? Wait, wait, wait. Was it? Was it Brad Williams?

No, it was not. Because Brad knows I give him. We'll give him this. I gave him my son's old golf shoes. It can't be him. You know what? I got so jacked today. All right.

I got offered literal like white van merchandise. What? Yeah. On my street. This guy, he, him and his buddy were driving up and then he was like, hey merchandise. What? Yeah. On my street. This guy, him and his buddy were driving up. And then he was like, hey, man. I go, hey. And he goes, hey, dude, this is going to sound crazy.

We got extra audio visual stuff. And my boss just said that I could sell it. And I was like, cool. He's like, I didn't loot it or anything like that. And he had like a bill of sale that, of course, I didn't really look at. No. He's like, do you want it? And I was like, yeah.

But then I quickly met he like, do I want to buy it? Right. Yeah. He's like, do you want it? And I was like, yeah. But then I quickly met he like, do I want to buy it? Right. And it was like legit audio visual, like 4K, like projector, like all this sound equipment, all in the box, all still everything. And I was like, oh, dude, no. Yeah, I can't. I'm like leaving town today. I can't. Don't tell him you're leaving town, Dan.

Come on. First rule of home alone. Never let the don't tell him you're leaving town dan come on first rule of home alone never let the burglars know you're leaving dan you should you should have said let me take a look let me take a closer look at it and you grab it and then run no first of all it literally was a white van i'm like guys this is a little too on the nose also so i was like no i i can't and so then he's like you really don't want i was like this is like seven grand worth of stuff i go yeah no i know it's this looks amazing i just can't he's like i he's like, you really don't want, I go, he's like, this is like seven grand worth of stuff. I go, yeah, no, I know it's, this looks amazing.

I just can't. He's like, I just want like 700 for it. And I go, yeah, dude, I feel you. I just,

man, I wish I could get it. He's like, he's like, this is what you have to know about Dan Adam. He's so nice to people. He's like, never going to be like,

until I don't have to be, well, fuck you, you thieves. That's ready when it's, when it needs, I know, but still,

but so then he's like, really? I was like, no, he's like, he's like, I mean, I just get to sell. I'm just trying to make be given. I know, but still. But so then he's like, really? I was like, no. He's like, I mean, I just get to sell. I'm just trying to make any money. I go, yeah, dude, I get you. I literally can't. Everything I have going on today, I can't even.

I just don't have time to buy. If I knew somebody around here, I would tell them to come. I mean, this is a great deal. He's like, 200 bucks. And I go, oh, my God. And I go, I can't. Dude, I literally can't do it. I have so many. I was like, I literally can't do it i could i have so many

i was like i literally don't have time to do this amazing negotiation i literally thought about that i was like man dan's i don't have time negotiation technique it's how it's literally how he got his hyundai santa fe for 27 yeah but i literally i was like i've never had the white van merchandise offer before it's pretty amazing and i don't know it didn't look stolen i don literally i was like i've never had the white van merchandise offer before it's pretty amazing and i don't know it didn't look stolen i don't i don't i don't even care it was stolen sure but yeah who made who made the white van popular like when did that become the go-to automobile it really was a white well you never see white vans like advertised and you never see like a commercial for a white man it It's true. It's like baby pigeons.

No one ever sees me. Until now. Hey guys, the 2000... Baby pigeons? The 2005... The 2019 white Aerostar is out. Let's go check it out. Right.

How did you find out? I just... I don't know. There was no commercial, but I just know that it's... Looking for a new ride to pack your friends in to drive to fucking Scottsdale to see Tony Braxton live?

And don't give a shit about seatbelts. Yeah. By the way, that could be. Oh, yeah. No seatbelts. None. I've driven. We went up to my cabin once from my hometown in the back of like a cargo work van.

We had lawn chairs in the back. I was like, everyone want to know what it's like to drive 2,000 miles sitting on a milk crate? White vans. I've done it. Okay. Remember that scene in Home Alone when John Candy and Catherine O'Hara? Yes. And improv stuff.

What happened in that movie again? I can't even remember. Okay. So this guy goes out. Somebody's trying to break into his van or is broken. Then the burglar runs away, leaves his ID. It is fine. The owner says leaves his ID and his phone. The owner says that his ID and mobile were left behind.

Great. Okay. Always take your ID to a burglary. The owner of the van is like, so the guy left his owner, his phone, and he left his ID. Dummy.

The dude also did not lock his phone. Right. No person with the van got into his Facebook page. He just started updating. And he changed his job status to i don't know this word is it just doser d-o-s-s-e-r dosser a dosser yeah and posted this question as his status for the guy who tried to steal his van am i a crackhead yes do i leave my phone in people's vans i'm trying to jack yes yes i did what a here's the new game m o o g i'm sorry i'm sorry m blank blank g

m blank blank g what is that moog might be the right yes that's what i thought that's why i said keyboard what uh they edited it out here so i don't know what is wait so now hey there are british fans of ours who are screaming they're that they should be because they know something i don't know and i bet there's a lot of things i know there's some of them that probably don't even know what a jag off is morgue big melg m blank blank mog you're a mog i don't know smog okay anyway here i mean this so then the owner the owner of the van goes onto this guy's facebook page we'll show it to you adam and he creates dumb and dumber too and takes the guy who tried to steal his van and superimposes dumber dumber oh two yes super imposes the

would-be robber onto the poster with jim carrey and then makes that his facebook uh this is so great i know this is a great way to roast the hell out of it. Yeah, show Adam. Dude, this guy rules. It's like if somebody tried to steal from you and then you had access to all of their personal information. Oh my God. He's lucky he just did this to a normal person, not a comic. So that's the guy who

tried to steal the van. The shirt off guy is the guy who tried to steal the van. Yeah, he grabbed that photo from his page. He has so many shirtless pics, by the way, on his Facebook page. I'm sure he did. He shaves his chest. And by the way, the thing that I already hate about this guy, shirt off, jeans. You know what I mean?

If it's that hot. If you're in a bathing suit and you have your shirt off, okay, so you're at the beach. But shirt off, jeans. Shirt off, jeans is just inappropriate. There was a kid in my high school that used to wear overalls with no shirt. Yep. Jesus. Come on.

And I still give him a hard time about that. I'm like, shit. He's like, what? It was a cool look. I got chicks. I was like, you don't work and didn't work on a farm. He's like, yeah, you didn't get style back then. I was like, you don't get style now.

Ever. Ever. All right. Bubba Sparks. Jesus Christ. Burns of Manchester, who has a string of theft convictions, briefly accessed his own account. He wrote, who the fuck got my phone? It's on when I find you. But the van owner then changed the password to the account saying, just let you know I'm here again. So now he's locked out of his own.

He's locked him out of his Facebook page. This is great. It's on when I find you. Followers laughed up the spat and one mocked Burns' pic on the Dumb and Dumber film poster. Another called him the shittiest burglar on earth. When contacted by the son, Burns' mom, so now the would-be robber's mom has waded

into this. She's now involved in this. Let her know what their son is up to. She claimed he said his phone was stolen. I assume that's when she hung up the phone. That's all she had to say. He said his phone was stolen. assume that's when she hung up the phone but that's all she had to say he said his phone was stolen yeah one supportive mom i know he also he also said that he had a job uh after one facebook said he was the shittiest burglar on earth another urged others to follow the spot or the spat i'm sorry so then it just devolves into other people like chiming in on this course and there's nothing he can do about it there's nothing worse than people

chiming in on facebook just for fun we'll close it out like this i just thought that was perfect it's perfect and great instant karma how old do you guys think nathan barnes is you saw a picture of him without a shirt without a shirt the burglar how old do you think he is yeah oh man i mean he's got he resembles you know he uh he resembles my my brother-in-law dirte rapper a little bit yeah and he's in his late 30s you're gonna go late 30s for this guy man but it also stealing a van seems like a very late 20s crime. Okay. Because you're just like starting to have that midlife crisis of fucking 30. I don't have a car.

You know, I'm on Facebook too much. I got to get some shirts. But I'm going to steal a van because I want a family someday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a family. I got all these leftover couches that I need a car to put them in. I need to be able to haul them from here and there. I agree.

I hear you. I hear you. $100. $100. That's all I'm going to sell you, this electronics equipment. Dude, I don't have time for the equipment. I felt so bad. He's like, the futon business didn't pan out the way I wanted it to.

But he also knows. I invested in Panera Bread. It turned out to be a fucking sex traffic. I think he's selling a 30. I'm selling cocaine to people on the benches. 33. 33. We're going hell bird for this one.

Go ahead. I think he's 38. 38. I think he's 46. Okay. Good God. I just think he. Yeah.

46. Before we go to story number three, play along. Tony's 46. Okay. Good God. I just think he, yeah, 46. Before we go to story number three, play along, Tonnies, wherever you are. Because Nathan, the man who needs a white van to get his business going and always knows that there's a club we can go to where we won't have to wait in line, is 34 years old.

Oh, Adam Ray. Nice, Adam Ray. Nice. Take your award there, my friend. Should have gone with Ray Allen. Yeah, Adam Ray. Nice, Adam Ray. Nice. Take your award there, my friend. Should have gone with Ray Allen. Yeah, that's good. He seemed right in the pocket. You were on it.

You were on it. Can you tease us what we're going to get in the third segment, Dan? We have an obituary, but it is beautiful. I love it. I love it. Adam Ray is with us. About Last Night is the podcast. Adam Ray Comedy is the Instagram

and on Twitter as well, right? Mostly you do great stuff on Instagram. We have one more story. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Daniel, take us home, brother. This was sent in by Linda Hartman at L-K-H-T-M-N.

Linda Hartman, Linda Hartman. Thank you, Linda. All right, ready? This is an obit, but Adam, I love all the positive stuff that you post, and I know that we do too here. So this is just an obituary for a man named Randall Jacobs from Phoenix. Yep. And it is just gorgeous.

If at any point we hit a point where you're like hold on and we want to talk about it feel free now we've done this before on this show and it's the most just in phoenix well we had you were just in phoenix okay we had uh amy miller on we had a great one okay ready from phoenix yeah randall jacobs of phoenix died at the age of 65 having lived a life that would have sent a lesser man to his grave decades earlier. Decades? Wow. Decades? You're saying when he was 25? Sure. Because decades

is more than one decade. We should let you guys, don't read into it, but look at the photo of him and you're gonna be like, he lived. That man I think of decades meaning like at least three or four. He looks like Roy Scheider even partied harder than Roy. Oh, he looks like the...

Remember the bitter beer face guy? Yes. So that guy's like an old baseball clown. He's like a guy who performs at minor league parks. He's almost like a human mascot. The bitter beer guy. He does like a lou holtz impressions at like barbecues and everyone's like dude and nails stop and nails it all right his skin when he died

his skin was used as a suitcase his friends called him rj but to his family he was uncle bunk bunkie aka the bunkster he told his last joke which cannot be printed here on may 4th of course it was a dirty joke of course uncle bunky burned the candle and whatever else was handy at both ends he spoke but it's just a haiku patois of wisecracks mangled metaphors and inspired profanity that reflected the arizona dive bars colorado ski slopes of course it's cocaine and various dodgy establishments where he spent his days and nights so he was drunk a lot. That is translation.

So this guy got fucked up, told really filthy, assumingly racist jokes to kids. People were like, it's Bunky. When you get a fun nickname as an old guy, you get a lot of free passes. A lot of leeway. That's Bunky being Bunky. He gave a four-year-old a knife for his birthday. All right. That he made. That's Bunky being Bunky. He gave a four-year-old a knife for his birthday.

All right. That he made. That's Bunky. Uncle Bunky. Uncle Bunky. He fashioned it out of soap. Uncle Bunky. He was a living, breathing, hang loose sign, a swaggering hybrid of Zony Desert Rat, SoCal

Hobo, and Telluride Ski Bum. Oh my God. A prolific purveyor of Bunky-ism, such as such as save it clown or zebo if he was in a mood he would mercilessly tease his goombots nephews with nicknames such as mud flap and style master just hey style master can i borrow your xbox daddy needs some new ski boots. Hey, Mudflip, give me 17 bucks. Mudflap. I'll tell you what it's for if I come back. Just days after his beloved cat, Kidders, passed away,

he too succumbed to the great Gwadu, leaving behind a vapor trail of memories and a piece of sage sage advice lingering in his loved one's ears who wrote this hunter s thompson's crazy do what bunkie say not what bunkie do which to me that's a guy with a lot of regrets by the way this is what punky brewster should have been yeah the story about the bunkster? Bunky Brewster? Bunky and Bunky would have been a better show. Bunky Brewster?

Bunky Brewster. Bunky Brewster is the story of a 65-year-old hobo. Somebody get Soleil Moonfry on the fucking phone. Phoenix Transient, who moves in with a kid and tells dirty jokes all day. Oh, Bunky.

Oh, Bunky. Bunky Prosta. Bunky Prosta. I also just realized that this cut off the very bottom of the thing. Yeah. Okay. So we'll talk as you started. I'm going to find it.

So when I was at, I went to, and we've talked about this a lot. Everybody who's about to play the drinking game that our friend Derek Lipkin has made, start drinking right now. I went to Burning Man, which I think I told you about, but I went to Burning Man for two years. The last year I went, last year, I was running this karaoke tent with our friend Eva.

Unbelievable. And this drunk guy who looked exactly like Uncle Bunky, Gene, stumbled into the thing. And there was a line and there were, you know, we talked about it on here all the time. Just people were mad that we weren't putting their songs far enough up in the queue. We were just doing our friends and this drunk guy came in and we were

like, all right, everyone move away. We are now going to just talk to this guy over microphones that can be broadcast out. This guy was, we were literally waiting for something racist to come out. He was so Uncle Bunky, I can't even begin to tell you. So even though I never met Uncle Bunky, I feel like Gene showed me who Uncle Bunky was.

Well, we got more. For all his chaotic energy and hysterical charm, he had a gentle soul. A night out with Bunky could result in a court summons or a world-class hangover, but his friends and family would drop whatever they were doing to make a trip out to see him. His impish smile and irreverent sense of humor were enough to quell whatever sensibilities he offended. He didn't mean any harm. That was just Bunky being Bunky. That's what we said!

When the end drew near, he left us with his final Bunky-ism. I'm ready for the dirt nap, but you can't leave the party. If you can't nap, he says, I'm ready for the dirt nap, but you can't leave the party. If you can't find the door, he found the door,

but the party will never be the same without him. In lieu of flowers, please pay someone's open bar tab, smoke a bowl and fearlessly carve out some fresh lines to the trees of the gnarliest side of the mountain. As he was dying, he said, I think I'm trans and then just died. That would have been the greatest life ever lived.

It would have been sad because he never got to, he didn't sort it out in his life, but at least he got it out before he went. Would have been beautiful. That's not too far from what I'm going to ask people to do at mine, which is, yeah, same thing. Smoke a bowl, have a shot, pay a tap, open a door for somebody. That's right.

That's right. Keep it simple. And laugh, dude. You make so many people laugh. I'm so happy you were a part of this. Thank you for doing this. And to all of our fans who want another podcast. It's an honor, man. I love this show. Oh, you're the best. You guys crush it. To listen to, please check out About Last Night and then follow Adam Ray Comedy

on Instagram. You will not be sorry that you did. We love you, buddy. Love you, guys. Thanks for doing the show and oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. On your down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down.

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