Dumb People Town - Aimee Mann - Parrot Don't Care

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

Singer-songwriter Aimee Mann (Tour dates) stops by as Randy describes a parrot that got stuck on a roof and then told rescuers to F-Off, Daniel explains how many bats were found in an attic, and Jason warns against giving obscene Catholic sermons, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: BetterHelp! Stop comparing and start focusing, with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk We spread the music, wish the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Come here down, it's Dump People Town Hey townies, we got something special to announce.

Oh, I would agree. What are you doing on August 9th? Because we're doing a live Dump People Town in Brooklyn, New York at the Bell House Theater. We've sold this place out before. We're coming back and hoping to do the same thing again. So get your tickets now. Boys, we've got great guests for this show.

And we have another one that we're going to announce soon. So you probably want to get them before everybody else is on this tip. Chloe Trost from SNL. She's amazing. We got to hang with her at Moon Tower. And she is energy incredible. She's so much fun. Musical guest. Ted Leo. Oh, ted leo and he's also hilarious so he's going to chime in on the

jokes part too it's so much fun a live dumb people town is a religious experience we love our audience in new york you guys always come make a little room on your wall we got an original poster for this show you can pick one of those say hi to us hang a little after the show pick up one of those posters it's aug August in New York. Let's have a good time. Yeah, August 9th. We'll see you at the Bell House. Tawny's comparison is the thief of joy,

and it's easy to envy other people's lives. It might look like they have it all together on their Instagram, but in reality, they probably don't. Well, therapy can help you focus on what you want instead of what others have. So you can start living your best life. Stop comparing and start focusing with our friends at better help that's right visit betterhelp.com slash dpt today to get 10 off your first month that's better h-e-l-p.com slash dpt hey townies welcome to another episode of dumb people town population you population man amy man the every man she is every man you know how whitney houston

said i'm every woman you you are every man with an extra n you really are hi hi hi it's so nice to have you you are like so we love we love hanging with you randy and i have loved getting to do the christmas shows that you do at Largo, which are great. So much fun. So much fun every year. We look forward to them. And I know this year you may be doing it in New York. We're doing it in New York, yeah.

Your tour starts in November. Yes. Okay. Yeah. West Coast November stuff. I love that. We'll remind people about that. Yeah, I just saw that on your Instagram.

You've got some good days. A little Santa Barbara action happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been forever since I've done West Coast tour. Fun. What are the venues? Do you know? Here is my approach to my career.

Let's hear it. Someone else do it. When it is time. You show up. Someone will tell me where to go. I love it. Yeah. I want that.

Somebody was like, where are you playing in Los Angeles? I had to look up a right there's nothing more embarrassing than having to google your own name to see what you're doing can i take that approach with my family or there is tell me where to be i'm excited to see you at the universal city saddle ranch i thought it was an odd booking why but I cannot wait the fact Dobrik Sun Sunset the fact that you're playing there is

it is a place I've never heard of and I can't I can't remember like Broadway it's on Broadway okay in downtown in Los Angeles

and it has Broadway in the name and I think it has Los Angeles Broadway something United Theater on Broadway United Theater on Broadway it United Theater on Broadway. It used to be the Ace.

He chimed in. Oh, yeah, because it used to be the Ace. Oh, my God, you guys are too loud. Oh, sorry. What do you need? It might be too loud. Just put it on and then. Are we too loud?

I mean. We were yelling. You're sorry. You're very forceful. We're going to keep it. We're going to take it down. There's a lot of testosterone. There's three guys.

But it's laced with estrogen. It's coming at you. Lined with estrogen. We'll talk about your tour later. We'll get into that later. You can Google where you're going to be. All right. So I want to get into the story sent in by,

first one by David Fournier at DP Fournier 2. All right. Fournier, by the way, sounds to me like a style of crystal that like, have you to the Fournier crystal? Mom, we have to buy mom a fournier crystal she broke the one or like the 80s movie where you have to replace this before the parents get back yes yes it's also like someone who fornicates a lot i thought that a french fornicator

the fournier who likenier who cleans everything, like sets it all up for the people who are about to, it's like a. Somalia. Thank you. For fornicating. What does this fornication pair with? Here's the headline.

Who does this pair pair with? You ready for this, the headline? Potty-mouthed parrot told firefighters to F off after getting stuck on a roof. Oh. It's just the chance you take. When you're dealing with a parrot, obviously the parrot is going to know several four-letter words.

What kind of person buys a parrot? What kind of lonely person buys a parrot? I mean, there was the old Paul F. Tompkins bit about your exotic pet doesn't want to go do your errands with you. Doesn't want to go to the post office. I saw a young girl the other day in Las Feliz walking down the street. A giant iguana on her shoulder

and I was like, you know what? I was like I'm in. It was delightful. It was like he was wearing a little harness and a leash and she was adorable and i'm like you made it work you made it work she i guess like woman with iguana i'm less threatening than one guy with guy with iguana he's got problems has a bone collection at the least i like the woman and a

sword collection chinese i like the woman with an iguana way more than i like the guy with an iguana based on location yeah so woman with iguana los filas yeah guy with iguana hollywood and highland no i do not like that guy he's charging you to bring exotic animals to overpopulated city centers yes wait what should i do with this snake take it to bourbon street where else would it want to go people People want to put beads on it. It's the worst. Does it have a neck? Alright. So, if you'd been stuck on

a roof for three days, you'd think you'd show some gratitude to your rescuers. Like the parrot doesn't know. It also might not have learned thank you. It doesn't know. No, it's been taught. It's like Groot. Well, this wasn't the case with Jesse the macaw,

though a parrot who reportedly told firefighters to F off, though a parrot. This is weirdly written. Women, is it a macaw or a parrot? Are there two birds involved? I think there might be two birds. Is it a double bird? We're killing two birds with one story.

Yes. Because they tried to coax her down from the rooftop. And I love that it's a female. So they're saying a macaw parrot. That's what they're calling this. I thought it was different. I thought it was different. Effectually known as Jessie, escaped her home in North London.

What are you going to do with that ferret? I'm going to Las Vegas Strip, dude. I got a whole business plan here. So Jessie, the macaw parrot, escaped the home in North London and spent how much time on the neighbor's roof well didn't it just say three days yeah sorry shoot yeah so this is the kind of quiz i like when the answer has been embedded very obviously in los angeles which he did hear for some reason the answer is six hours so wait it's been on the roof. So now anyone who's walking by.

It's a three day. Three day. But I mean, there's insects and stuff flying by. Like it's not in peril. Maybe it rained. It's got a view. No, but maybe the people who are walking by or live in that house are tired of it being like, fuck off.

Like that sea captain in Mary Poppins. The most interesting character in that movie what was that guy's deal I don't know and how did he get another man that's the real thing to live in his delusional thing who's worse the leader or the follower of the leader

some people just have great leadership skills so he clearly is living on his own and then he's got another guy like another grown ass man and he's friends with Bert the one man band okay sorry

never saw Mary Poppins wow but as you're describing this I'm like this sounds pretty cool there's a sea captain neighbor

it's like a cameo it's a one scene so there's a sea captain neighbor so his house we're following Dick Van Dyke walking through the street

with a great accent so I've heard I mean killing Crockney he's doing the one man band thing where he moves his arm it cuts off three instruments great never wavers and you hear like oh and he looks up and it's just this old deranged guy who thinks he's a sea captain on top of a three-story flat he's not a sea captain but it's got maybe he was at one every day dan every day everyone in london was a sea captain At six o'clock every day, he fires a cannon, which into what?

Where? Where? Why? Into a busy neighborhood. If I ever have kids, my dream is that they get cast as the sea captain in Mary Poppins. It's like the stereotypical vet in England is always barmy, right? Yes. Eccentric Englishman is really like ptsd or tbi like but that's like

codified into english lore as yeah here it's like a guy who like won't leave you alone right at the bus right so her owner and the rspca were unable to lure the animal down. So firefighters were called to, this can't be the name of the place. Cacaw Street. It's called Cuckoo Hall Lane. That's gotta be it. I mean. That's too, it's so on the nose.

Cuckoo Hall Lane in Edmonton. Oh God. So is it, now I don't know if it's Ontario or Canada. I love when one of us gets confused by our own story. Jesse had been. It happens. These people writing this are like all interns.

We're finding it. Not our interns. For the news. Jesse had been on the same roof for how long again? Three days. Three days. And there were concerns that she might be injured, which is why she hadn't come down.

So they were worried about her. No, she's fucked. Said watch manager, and you ready for this guy's name? Chris Swallow. No no he's got a bird is this like a kid's madland i think it's made up our crew manager was willing to volunteer who went up the ladder to try and bring jesse down we were told the bird is the only one that doesn't have a bird name yeah jesse we were told that to bond with the parrot you have to tell her i love you which is exactly what the crew manager did.

While Jesse responded, I love you back, we then discovered that she had a bit of a foul mouth and kept swearing much to our amusement. Jesse is reported to have told the firefighters to F off before flying to another rooftop. So not injured. Not injured. Not interested. F you. Three days of nowhere to go.

F you, I'm out. Yeah. F off. Also, I'm a bird and you shouldn't be worried about me. Isn't this also, I don't know the full rumor or true story, but isn't this how we got the Burbank parrots? No. The Burbank parrots came definitely from someone from Brooklyn because there are a lot of parrots

in Brooklyn. There are a lot of like- But like here, for anybody who's not- There's a lot of parrots here. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I just heard pet parrots that people let go they let go they couldn't handle and they bred and yeah now they just feel like they've taken over

last night for at least a minute i'd like to think it was five there's no way it was that big squawky flock i watched a hawk fight with two crows in the air cr Crows will fuck a hawk up. It literally, and I'm so deep into House of Dragon that I'm watching the modern day version. They were covering a block. They'll do it. Just in and out, going in. And the hawk is screaming at them.

Did the crow have an eye patch? Crows are like, get out of my neighborhood. I am not interested. They bring their friends in. They're super smart. They will like peck it on the head because they do it. You know, they dive bomb. Yes.

And the hawk can only get you if you're below it. And they're like, no, I'm not playing the game. Crows are like, get out of our neighborhood. And then we're like, get these crows out of our neighborhood. We have a hawk in a tree that's very close to us. I know the hawk. I know the hawk. A lot of hawk action.

We have a hawk and we have an owl. There's a Silver Lake owl. Up know the hawk. A lot of hawk action. We have a hawk and we have an owl. There's a silver lake owl. Up at the cabin we have eagles. And that is unreal to watch. I haven't seen one like catch a fish or anything yet. Are you ready for this about the parrot? You're going to love the parrot. We need more parrots. Mr. Swallow, again.

Sounds like that. Who are you talking about? By the way, Mr. Swallow could be the name of the parrot. And I would have been okay with that. Seems like no one in this story wanted to give the name. How fun would it be if... So if you're a person, they give you a bird name and if you're a bird, they give you a person name. Everybody's in wit's eye. The parrot's name was Mr. Swallow and it's a female parrot.

That would be great. Mr. Swallow said the parrot also spoke Turkish and Greek. Whoa, that's like a real sailor. And Turkey and Greece don't like each other. Old-timey sailor bird. Turkey is a bird. So they tried telling her to come in both languages before she flew off. Thankfully,

it soon became apparent that Jessie was fine and uninjured as she flew to another room, another tree. She was later reunited with her owner. It also makes me happier about these people because i my number one hatred of a certain type of bird owners really all almost is the people who are like well we clipped their wings yeah it's like cool no you wanted to take away the thing that

made it magical so that you could just keep it in this house yeah right okay you see what my dog debarked you're like why because it was annoying see the dog. So now you hear this all day long? Oh, horrible. Cat declawed. Stop. Cat declawed. That's worse, too. Although I will say this.

My friends had a dog, and I just saw him in Chicago, and the dog had really bad teeth, and they had to take the teeth out just for the safety of the dog. The most fun dog ever. Because he would gum you, and you're like, I love this dog. He's like, he's trying to bite you, but it's just gumming you. And I'm like, every dog should be with us. Yeah, you're just fighting tough licorice. He's like, he can still eat.

He can still eat. Take all their teeth out. As with this incident, the RSPCA should be contacted. The first instance, we would always urge people to do the same if they see an animal stuck or in distress. But they're not. It's telling you to F off. What do you do then? You can't make that personal. Do you got to respect it? stuck or in distress. Yeah, good call. But they're not. It's telling you to F off. Yeah.

What do you do then? You can't make that personal. Do you got to respect it? Dan, I guarantee someone took it personally. You're going to save that kid in the well. It doesn't matter if that kid's mean. You got to get out. Do you think one of the firefighters went up there and said,

what did you call? Say what? What did you call me? Maybe they taught it to say F off and they gave it a treat afterwards and that's what it said. Yes. It's like it's food call.

Yes. It doesn't know what it's saying. It doesn't know what that means. It knows it gets rewarded. If the RSPCA require assistance, they will call us. We're happy to assist with our special equipment,

with our specialist equipment. Sure. Our specialist bird equipment. A giant net? Yeah, that's right. Probably a giant net. It's actually a butterfly net. But whatever.

This is our bird equipment. If you're worrying about Jesse's well-being, including all of us, she returned home on her own accord on Monday afternoon, promptly told her owner

to fuck off and left. No. Her owner posted a video of the parrot thanking the firefighters that helped her. Did the, the parrot,

the parrot does not care, does not know that the fire, it doesn't sound like they did help her. They chased her away. Yep. And also the parrot doesn't care. Parrot doesn't care. Parrot doesn't care. Ball don't her. They chased her away. Yep. And also the parrot doesn't care.

Parrot doesn't care. Parrot doesn't care. Ball don't lie. Parrot don't care. That was the first story down in the books. Amy Mann is with us. I'm sorry. I just moved something over inadvertently.

When we come back from the break, we're going to find out exactly which venue for each of the shows in every city on the West Coast Swing. And Amy Mann will have all that information. We'll quiz her on that information without looking. We'll tell you what we have going on so you can come and check all that stuff out. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Tell.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We've got the great Amy Mann, friend, artist. She's like one of my friends that I am still a huge fan of can I say that as well? And we're on a thread together. We're on a thread with our other wonderful friend Rachel Lichtman who

appeared on A Dumb People Town in Nashville but she said she'll come back and do it again so I really want her back on. She's wonderful so funny and her sense of humor meshes with the three of us so well. It's one of my favorite text chains that we have going. So funny. She is so funny. And her sense of humor meshes with the three of us so well. It's one of my favorite text chains that we have going. So when I see there's a new something on that chain, it always makes me very excited.

Very, very happy. And to share with that. So you do have a tour and people can find out what's going on. Oh, I've got dates right here. Go, Daniel. I have a website. Yeah, amyband.com. That's right.

Solana Beach, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boulder, Salt Lake. South Salt Lake. Amazing. Flagstaff, Fort Lauderdale. Wow. yeah we're amyband.com that's right solana beach los angeles san francisco boulder salt lake south salt lake amazing flagstaff fort lauderdale wow that'll get you through march no she says you're doing fort lauderdale florida on march 2nd no 2025 that can't be she's like no march hey you've built this career on they tell you where no that, that can't be. It's like one show. A one-off? What if it's for $180,000? You don't know what it's for. I've definitely not heard about this show.

You're performing on Jeff Bezos' yacht. Can you handle doing Jeff Bezos' yacht? It says the Joko Cruise. Oh, it's the cruise. Jonathan Coulton Cruise. Jonathan Coulton. Love Jonathan Coulton. Fantastic.

Do you like a show? Do you like a show? What is it? Yeah, a show yeah that's it that's like a mindset i highly i cannot recommend enough every time we're on a show and amy is playing i will just sit in the wings and watch you and record you just like a you know super fan and so i beautiful and often hauntingly sad songs mixed with hilarious banter can you handle that? Is that an evening that you'd like to enjoy? Does that sound like an amazing evening? This is where you guys have to punch up the banter.

So we will do that. So we're trying to get her to come on, and we'll say we've got a Largo show that we're doing on the 15th, if this drops before that, and hopefully it will, of July, that we're doing a Taggart show there. We've got Taylor Tomlinson's on the show Pete Holmes is on the show

Fahim Anwar is on the show and maybe maybe just maybe if we can work it out maybe Amy Mann will come on and play some music at the end

and we will help her punch up the pre the preamble the pre-song preamble I'm coming for the punch up coming for the punch up and we should mention this to all of our fans

you did a live Dumb People Town with us at Sketch Fest you and Ted Leo and it was hilarious and it was hilarious that was the the birth that was the best that was the we did the dumbest me and ted did the dumbest thing that cracks me up to this day it's hilarious which was we had had several years ago we you know we do this christmas show together and we had had lisa lobe on the christmas show and she her, her big giant hit stay and Ted and I sang background vocals. And then a couple of days after the, after the shows, we sort of mentioned each like, I can't stop singing those background vocals. Cause it was so hard to learn. Cause, and they never repeat. They're

different. Like they, they kind of build and change and shift and then and then we were like when we go on the sclars show let's play the song and only sing the background vocals which is so dumb but it really made it really made us it was so funny not only was the three of us were dying i mean it was hysterical hysterical and then you did it again this year i was like you could do that bit on conan You know, like, but Conan doesn't exist anymore. But that was, it was like, in our minds we're like, that's a late night comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just wonderful.

See, we need more bits like that. So we're gonna do another. You need to think of things like that. So in that spirit, I'll say this. We're doing a live Dumb People Town on August 9th at the Bell House in Brooklyn. And Chloe Trost from SNL

she will be one of the guests on there and musical guest Ted Leo Tedward Leo I mean he's just the greatest he's the greatest

he's the greatest he's about to go on tour he's been playing he's been playing he has he just did a week of a week of shows and

he said it was the greatest thing ever there's footage of one that ended in a big crowd surfing everybody's singing along and I was i literally i saw that and i was like why do we even bother like nobody's gonna sing along

no this is like he said he was like so invigorated by these shows he loved it he's so great i'm like what are you doing now he's like i'm at the grocery store yeah he's like i'm a dad i'm a dad and i'm at the grocery i have two lives I have literally two lives I am a rock star And then I'm at the grocery store I'm stopping by Ikea To pick up a bed frame Yeah And then I gotta put it together

And I will do it wrong Yeah So yeah So that is happening August 9th Friday We don't get to New York that much We're in Brooklyn

Bell House Come Come on It's gonna be a blast Every time we are there It is so much fun Alright Daniel Let's jump into it

Okay You ready Yes Alright Did I I screwed us up so much I put you on a page you guys are really keeping your eye on the clock we like to keep our internal you know what happens where's the sweet spot we go y'all that ready yes this is funny that you did that story okay because i am doing this one is there a

wildlife control employee gets called for squeaking herd in the attic. I thought they were doing this. Yeah, me too. Like the employee was squeaking too much. They get called out for their squeaking. David, you got to stop squeaking at your desk. It's not funny anymore. No, they get called for a quote.

Somebody calls them. Hey, we got squeaking in our attic. So this is the Kurt Braunohler bit about the woman who had 100,000 bees in her. He's like, I won't do any political material at all. And then he goes in this long story about a woman who had 100,000 bees in her ceiling. I love a bee story. And she's like, I'd... Have you ever had to deal with bees?

Yeah, we had... Okay, so we had a little compost-like thing that you turn over and over, and it was slightly open. And I'm looking out the side of our door, and there's just all these bees going around. We had to call a beekeeper, so Jason Statham came over. No, we had to call a beekeeper who came over,

and he found the queen, put her in the thing, and all the other bees, and he got rid of them in a very humane way. I was like, oh my God, it's amazing. 60,000. This was sent in by, we talk about practice, at not a

game underscore three thanks buddy tiktoker chris i'm gonna do my best garaganani g-a-r-e-g-n-a-n-i garaganat garaganani definitely sounds like a plate of pasta that it's like i'll take the garaganani it's like so much tripe so much tripe uh he works as a wildlife control person in the south great west south guys what state hey don't try to narrow it down south none of those undecided states either generalize you had to pick a line in the south he he helps clear homes of pests and adds preventions to keep them from getting back in he occasionally posts some of his work on tiktok finding squirrels or raccoons and showing how to block them from getting into

people's homes you block them on twitter other than that he's your average tiktoker just posting fun videos of his life and family okay which i will say this go on amy man's instagram there are videos of you feeding a squirrel she knows this is my number one fear this is that this girl's gonna betray her and bite her betray i don't want this girl to bite you she has fed this squirrel hold on here's the problem i get so nervous i offered i i usually offer a nut in the, you know, like here, and it sees the nut. Yes. And I think I just put it on.

I can't remember what I did, but it was in a way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in a way. It was like a very sloppy nut offering. Right. As you are very familiar with. It thought this was. Part of the nut.

It was very gentle, but i could feel the teeth you felt it into your finger i could feel it you felt how many girls do you have coming around three there's one main one we call her mama or raggedy ear yes because she's got a little notch in her ear she's been through the rare all of them yet and then there's a couple like that will wander around but they don't get that if they come to the door then they'll get nuts

so you're going to become there's one that does but she's the regular don't become the guy who just takes a bunch of cereal and throws it out on his deck and all these fat raccoons go out there

it's one we haven't seen her in a long time but I think she's having a brood I'm currently trying to help find a home for a cat I saw that Dan I saw saw that he's living outside of a bakery this cat you guys is has is not a stray i mean he is a friendly somebody is not gone feral wants people every time the door opens to the bakery that that he's living outside if he tries to go in if you walk up any of you walk up and go come here come out you could then walk down come over here come over to that all he wants to do is

give love it's a friendly beautiful cat probably somebody just has that just don't this is what i don't understand about at cats so my friend bruce who lives up on like mount washington shout out to bruce bruce and trish so bruce said they have a cat like one of their cat that they let out of the house and it just roams the neighborhood right he's like there was a guy who lived two doors down from them or a couple doors down from them who was like you know i mean people don't know who's cat who's like you don't walk some of them probably think he's partly their cat you don't want to get that so this guy so this guy was on the phone late at night having like he's a

high-powered like business guy so i think he was the phone late at night having like he's a high-powered like business guy so i think he was either like talking to singapore and he's like getting really angry like closing a deal and their cat was like up on the wall he's outside and he's just petting the cat he's like making this deal like it's his cat i was like that's so you can't stroke my cat when you're making a singapore business that cat don't care the cat's like if you do that in singapore you get caned 99 times out of 100 when it comes to you and your cat the only person who's ever scared about that cat is you right the cat's always like what i'm fine what did you i'm fine i've never been this cat

oh my gosh absolutely hopefully by the time this drops squeaking up in the sea well no what i was gonna say is one of the people that were around when i was meeting this cat was saying that they love animals so much that she met her husband and when they when she moved in he's like yeah just you know middle of night where raccoons come in and take baths and so wait and she was like hold on she was like okay yeah like she thought he was goofing around and then one night she got up late to get a drink of water and in through the little dog door is a family of raccoons with a bowl of water like cleaning and like washing up and then they'll have a little bite and then they'll walk right back out this is and then they got a big dog so then the raccoons didn't come around anymore but they had for a time in their life where like in

the middle of the night they knew that the raccoons were downstairs cleaning up and having a little drink and then leaving wow that is wild just saying like how much how much do you have to love that person to be like we're staying in this relationship okay i'm gonna go back into this i love you despite also shout out people doing their jobs on tiktok mowing lawns or pressure washing people and i already told you guy guy who shows up at people's houses and mows on-camp lawns. That guy is one of my favorites.

That sounds very satisfying. Somebody asked me today, what do you want for your birthday? I said, I think I'm buying myself a pressure washer. And I'm first going to use it around where I live and then I'm just going to find another place. I'm going to wander. Recently, however, Chris Giggled on any enemy uh i tried he posted a video that has him going viral chris was called to a home and claimed they heard a mysterious noise which was squeaking and as they

said in the attic claimed most would think mice rats maybe squirrels or reckons awesome however when chris went up to assess the situation he found something he was not expecting. What animal do you think he found? Anne Frank. I assume not possum. Were you going to say Anne Frank? I just said Anne Frank. I was thinking it. Oh my gosh. I'm sorry.

What kind of Jews are you? We can say that. We don't edit that out. You and I will be editing it out the rest of the episode. We don't edit that out. Diffusers. You and I will be editing out the rest of the episode. We're diffusers anyway. Okay. What do you think they found? Just for fun?

This isn't even the real question. A squeak. Yeah. A squeak. What squeaks? Not mice, not rats, not raccoons. I mean, let's go for parrot again. Let's go for bird.

Ferret. I'd say ferret. Ferret. I'm always with parrot. Bourbon Street ferret. What if it's an armadillo it was bats oh why didn't we would you like to guess how many how many bats were up in the ad free yeah more than a few i bet there's a bunch give me a number one of y 25 yeah i'm gonna say 25 130 that is a lot of bats 70 70

i'm very chris went up to assess situation he found what he was not expecting and that would be 1 000 oh this is one of the photos of one of the areas of the attic this is a small portion what of the attic bats are like rats with wings oh there we go no they're adorable bats are adorable and bats eat mosquitoes a lot so up in let's hope there's a lot that's a lot a lot of bats i mean 25 bats i would be like, I'd be like, Alfred? Yeah. By the way, they're also like, honey,

we're not getting bitten up in the summertime at all. No. It's like weird. What's going on? Holy. Are they spraying the neighborhood? It's not that insane

to find bats in someone's attic, especially in the South. A thousand? The South. Yeah. In fact, I work in the South.

In fact, bats are listed as one of his specialties for handling. So it wasn't something completely new to Chris. He could handle it one of his specialties for handling, so it wasn't something completely new to Chris. He could handle it. But one thing is for sure, he definitely didn't go into that job expecting to see, this is where they say, thousands of bats.

It wasn't new to Chris, but it was ludicrous. How can someone live in a home and never notice, wrong owner, the top of their house invaded with bats? Infested, I would say. A thousand, that's more than squeaking. That's more. That's a constant. How do you dispose of that?

Right. Where do you take a thousand bats? Like how do you. Austin, Texas. Austin. Put them under the bridge. Put them under the bridge. They'd love it.

They'd love it there. Under the bridge. You guys, these are your friends. Chris is not an exterminator. That could be the new lyrics to the song. Don't exterminate a bat. Under the bridge. Just give them.

Put a bunch of bad houses up bats were almost used in world war ii before we dropped one of the big bombs they had created these huge almost like honeycombs and they had napalm attached to all the bats like a time release and they were going to release these cones like by parachute over uh like nagasaki whatever and i don't remember which one no one no insult hopefully what a terrible idea and terrible idea they would then land and then find crooks and crevices into every building they could they actually said that from a like you know radiation we all know but i'm saying from a like scope of like destruction breath breadth width of

destruction if that would have burnt like more the city would have been decimated. Isn't that wild? Yeah, and by the way, once again, bats don't want to be a part of your war. No, they don't want to. They got their own stuff going. They're fighting mosquitoes. And they're fighting bad PR ever since COVID

and the Wuhan bat situation. They got rabies to worry about. They got vampire stuff. They've got double mortgages. I got stuck in your hair issues right they bite a singer that was recently there was like a internet well isn't that the man back from from what ozzy osbourne did that's a payback chris isn't an exterminator did he bite the head off was it a bat or a bird it was a bird i thought it was a bird i think it's a bat i think

anyway hey why why limit why stop why stop at a bird or a dove it's a bat. I think it's a bird. They were both. Anyway. Why limit Alice? Why stop at a bird? Or a dove and then a bat. Chris is not an extreme. I'll say this. I listen to old Black Sabbath and I'm like, this music is good and this is interesting. Why did you feel the need to then, like that's someone who doesn't believe their music is enough. He was super high.

Oh, okay. Sorry. Yes. And kind of didn't know what he okay yes and kind of didn't know he was doing and sort of didn't know he was going to do it and kind of didn't know he did do it right anyway i guess you have impulses at least sharon was there to stop it the music is enough okay i always wonder when i'm reading like an old uh you know this is what went down if your name's ever going to show up in any of those books. Let's say somebody just sees you at a party. You didn't show up in Dirt, the Motley Crue book.

I was pretty bummed. I don't know what... Yeah, I don't know whose memoir I would show up in. Yeah, not in a story, but also there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember I saw Amy Mann that night. I didn't get around. I didn't do anything.

I didn't go to parties. Me either. Chris is not an exterminator. He doesn't go in and just fill the room with poison and kill all them critters. Thank God. After assessing the situation, he figures out what he needs to do to evacuate the bats and then seal it up so they can't get back

in. He also even says they create little bat houses for the winged creatures so they can go have a new home to go to. So you put a little food in the bat house and then take a bath. A thousand. Make a bat cave. That's a lot of bat houses.

You got to make these little bat houses. You do what you got to do. But if you're that guy, aren't you kind of like, you guys don't live here much? Yeah. Yeah. Not aware. They heard squeaking in their defense. At a thousand?

They thought it was one big. One big. Nobody went up to the attic? Well, attics. Can someone WD-40 these doors? It's probably one of those where you have to pull the thing and it's a pain in the ass. big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

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big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big, big, big, big, No, I can't remember. All right. We got one more story. All right. Jay, you want to give us a little tease? A Catholic priest goes off the rails. Of all people. First time. I love this joke. Yeah, get ready for it.

Get ready. Amy Mann's our guest. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make us down. There's more at All People Town. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guys, comparison is the thief of joy, and it's easy to envy what other people have and in their lives. It might look like they have it all together on their Instagram, but in reality, they probably don't. Guess what? Therap're struggling and when you're in crisis, but it's also a way for you to examine your own life.

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Stick around Make a sound There's more Don't People Town Hey guys welcome back to the show Before we jump into the final story Daniel's got some great stuff happening Including the Hub City Comedy Hub City comedy week may have already come and gone that is a week of me doing shows in july if it doesn't oh thank god i'm so happy you should come out to it it's

uh it's gonna be great there's a great uh podcast happening on wednesday adam kate and holland's gonna be there on friday i'm just doing different themed comedy shows as i uh have an excuse to have fun in chicago at the Lincoln Lodge danielvankirk.com and then in August I'm at Fort Collins at the Comedy Fort I love that room David Rodriguez

third weekend in August and Labor Day weekend I'm headlining the Crosstown Comedy Festival over at the I think it's going to be at the Commonwealth Sanctuary you should check that out danielvankirk.com see him

his comedy is on fire right now fire new hour new hour new fire new fire new fire

and if you want to watch the old hour get on YouTube and watch Rose Gold it's tremendous or go watch Wine Club you're great in that movie you are fantastic

in that movie so good Dan you're a great actor I said the same thing truly natural great like great reactor said the same truly natural great at like i bought great reactor oh that means which is like the hardest thing that people won't do like they won't listen to the other actors it's so great no you know what so much amy yeah you know what you did i

realized in that is that you managed to bring parts of your personality to build a completely different character. And I'm like, I'm seeing some Dan Van Kirk-isms, but this is a, by the middle of this movie, I'm like, oh, he's just married that woman. Yeah. I'm like, yeah. My favorite thing is that I bought that you guys were a newly married couple.

Yeah. I'm like, I fully am bought into this. Well, people should check it out. It's free on Tubi right now. Tubi. Tubi Club. Support it. Yeah. Me, Taylor Ortega. So good. Okay. I'm like, I fully am bought into this. Well, people should check it out. It's free on Tubi right now. Tubi. One club. Support it. Yeah.

Me, Taylor Ortega. So good. Okay. We should have her on. We should have Steve Little on. I know. Okay. Let's do this.

This is sent in by Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen. Thanks, Carleen. Catholic priest stuns worshipers with wildly vulgar sermon but keeps his job. I mean.

I thought you were going to say keeps his pants on. Well, that too. But it gets kind of dicey. Here we go. Father Thomas McHale, priest at Our Blessed Lady Immaculate in Black Hill, Conset County, Durham, shocked his. That already sounds dirty. Is that the name of the whole thing?

Say it again. It sounds like a. Black Hill, Conset County, Durham. say it again sounds like a black hill concept county durham okay that sounds like it's some kind of dirty latin there's full concept though shocked his flock by which that sounds that sounds bad disgusting you don't shock your reference shocked your flock in front of people shocked his flock by claiming my favorite rappers are you ready for this by claiming during his good friday sermon which is a big sermon in the scope of the year you get a lot

of the annuals you better give the good one on that one yeah in jew in the jewish religion it's yom kippur sure in in the christian faith it's the midnight mass maybe on Christmas. And then you better bring it on Easter. Good Friday and Easter. Good Friday and Easter Sunday. You got to be on your A game. Well, this guy, during the Good Friday sermon, he decided to say that Jesus died with an erection. I mean. What?

At least he died doing something he loved. Ew. Wow. I mean, so then this would dispel the myth that he had risen. Or maybe it doesn't. He had risen. He had risen again. Oh, he had risen Ew. What? I mean, so then this would dispel the myth that he had risen. Or maybe it does. He had risen. He had risen again. Well, he had risen indeed.

What? He has risen again. I need to know the reasoning behind this. I don't know how much we're going to get. We're going to get it? Do you guys want to guess his age? The priest age? Yeah, do you guys want to guess his age right now?

I'm going to say old. Really? I'm going to say like- Where are you going with this? You guys want to guess his age right now? I'm going to say old. Really? I'm going to say like starting to not, you know, old enough to like, I don't know what's appropriate anymore. Yeah. I had a thought. I said it out loud.

Old enough to be like, and I read on Facebook. Yeah. I'm going to go 80. 80. Yeah. I'm going the other way. Yeah. What do you think?

I'm going like rolled up sleeves, one foot on the speaker. Oh, youth pastor? 33. Yeah. I'm going to tell you yeah what do you think I'm going like rolled up sleeves one foot on the speaker oh youth pastor 33 yeah 33 I'm gonna tell you guys a lot of things maybe some of you

don't want to hear I'm here to I'm here to make some changes a lot of us have been raised in a church that maybe has told us things that we didn't know 71

I hate that I hate when I speak in that rhythm 33 you have that rhythm 33, 80, 71 this man is a 53 yearyear-old.

Okay, sorry. Which sounds old, but that's a year older than us. Oh, my God. So that's midlife crisis. He just bought a red Corvette. Or he just got his first Cialis subscription. Yes. And he's trying to relate.

You know, it's a problem for a lot of people, okay? So if you ever see me, I am just emulating the Son of God. We all fall short, okay? For just emulating the son of god yeah we all fall short okay for the grace of the glory of god uh consume his body and the blood of christ all right here we go uh he told roughly the how many people who were gathered there 1500 i feel like yeah big yeah big church i'm gonna go 400 catholic do they do mega churches? They don't do mega churches. They're not mega. I'm going to say 200. 1,500.

1,500? That's a lot. That's a big church. Is it? Roughly 100 gathered. Enough for some murmurs. That execution by crucifixion would have sent all the blood rushing down to Christ's lower body. The fuck?

Unruh, what? How? By the way. Why do I need this information can you imagine though you just started dating this person and they're like i know you weren't raised this way it's just a tradition of my family my grandma's not gonna be around much longer just come and you did not grow up in the church and you go there and you sit down how hard you'd be laughing looking at your new boyfriend girlfriend being like this like, is this church? Is this what you did? I would not.

Yeah. The clutching of the arms. Yeah. Clutching of the pearls. One dismayed worshiper told the Times. Kneel before me. He told, kneel before Zod. He told people Jesus died with an erection. The church was shocked.

There were young families there. Despite complaints. There were old families there, too. Yeah, there's a lot of people that went there. How do you think those young families got there? Mikhail is understood to have kept his position. The missionary position. A spokesman for the diocese of Hexham in Newcastle told a newspaper a complaint was received

and has been investigated in keeping with our diocese. Diocese. Diocese and complaints policy. So wait, so this is in England, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It did mention that he's an American priest. So you know all the British people are like, see, this is America.

Told you why we should. Tore us with that same erection brush. Thank you. I'm just keeping it real. I'm just keeping it real for you Brits. They're like, look, it's hard to get priests. You know our track record. We're not good at transferring guys out.

Exactly. We've reshuffled everybody. This is the best we can do. We moved them all the way to England. Honestly, there are some Catholics who are probably like, it's a lot worse. This could be a lot worse. Let's take some weird blood flow. There is a moment where I'm like,

look, I've never been crucified. He is hanging up there for a moment where i'm like look i've never been crucified i've never seen anyone hanging up there for a long time maybe the blood does to me his feet might feel pins and needles yeah but like maybe i'm too giant i'm gonna say not pertinent to the uh right although i do hope there was a mary magdalene being like now do you see yeah you guys see what i went to? Oh, don't leave your family. Don't follow him and his 12 friends around. Now who's a whore? Now who's a whore?

You tell me. And who's going to inherit the earth again? Take a look. The investigation has been very recently completed, and the complaint is upheld. The meat. The meat. It is not the first time. Stop.

It is not the first time. You just got admonished. I'm sorry. You went too far. It's the the first time. You just got admonished. I'm sorry. You went too far. It finally happened. The body of Christ hardened for you. We made an anfragment.

All right. It is not the first time a clergyman comments have caused an uproar. The Diocese of Clemsford apologized in 2019 after Reverend Dr. Anand Sodasi of Holy Trinity Church in Crystal, Essex, questioned whether Father Christmas was real during a children's service. Well, that's not as bad. Is it real, guys? Father Christmas is not in the Bible. Right. Like, who cares father christmas is the guy it's not santa claus is it yes it's the same guy who's the guy who's a deal if you didn't have

burger not bit burger but the the the something burgers show company and something burger that was like an old rankin and bass oh i don't know right oh god Oh, God. That was like a Christmas. St. Nick was, if you didn't have, you couldn't take care of your kids for family, you could hang a stocking outside your dorm where you'd wake up the next morning, there would be gifts or something for your children. I watched an old one of those where it's like the formation of Santa Claus. Like he had red

hair and then it became white. Sure, there's all sorts of... And he kind of got fat over time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then eventually you get back to paganism. Santa origin story is pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then eventually you get back to paganism. Santa origin story is pretty good. All right. People don't know this about Santa, but... You can go on.

Whatever. Okay, here we go. Don't. Whatever you're about to say. How do you think he... Just don't. Way into whips. Whatever you're about to say.

It wasn't just for the slut. Don't say it. I can tell by this giggle. How do you... We don't... How did he... You're going to regret it. You're going to regret it. I just asked this question. All right? We don't. How did he? You're going to regret it. You're going to regret it.

I just asked this question. All right, here we go. How did he get the ring? Stop. Oh, God. All right. How did he get them to go up so fast? All right.

Oh, God. He's back there in that sleigh. All right. Last month, a Catholic ministry in the U.S. pulled the plug on the world's first AI priest, the avatar named Father Justin. Father Justin. Justin. Father Justin.

Justin Time. Was created to provide users with faithful and educational answers about faith, but it quickly went rogue, suggesting a baby be baptized in Gatorade. Hold on, I'm on board. You know what? Hang on a second.

Reconsiderate. Eat electrolytes.'m on board. Hang on a second. Reconsiderate. Need electrolytes. I'm listening. Baby needs electrolytes. And advising a woman how to best prepare to wed her brother. Well. Yeah. AI priest. AI's not there yet. AI's not there yet, so stop trying to push it on us. Specialist in religion.

AI priest. There you go. There you go. Amy Mann's got a... Bats, birds, and boners. Amy Mann's got a tour coming up this fall. Don't ask her where it is. AmyMann.com. Check that out. Nobody knows. Hub City Comedy is going to be great.

Come see us as we do it live. In Brooklyn. Brooklyn on the 9th. A live Dumb People Town. If you're in LA on July 15th, Amy might do this. Going to try to make it happen. Would love to make that happen. And Largo, I'm tagging.

And we love you guys so much. Oh, snap. We've got to get back to work. We've got to. Stick around. Make it happen. Would love to make that happen. And Largo, I'm tagging and we love you guys so much.