Dumb People Town - Aisha Tyler - Banned From Ouija

Episode Date: March 28, 2017

Archer's Aisha Tyler joins The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk this week for a quick weekend trip down to Dumb People Town! Aisha tells the guys about her distracted therapist, and they get into Story #1, in which a high school track team encounters a walk-...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music gets the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Punk it down.

It's Dumb People Town. All right, everybody. Welcome to Dumb People Town. It is a thrill to have this person on the show. Thank you, guys. Not you, Dan. Well, it is always a thrill to have you. God damn it. It is a thrill to have this person on the show thank you not you well it is always a thrill to have you god it is a thrill to have you there but we have a guest on the show who we've been friends with for a long time a comedian friend who we've admired her work on top of that and we've gotten

to do other stuff with her aisha tyler welcome to the show i like how other stuff is just like a whole you've done documentaries with us you've done podcasts you've done activities you're fantasizing about multiple podcasts group sex group sex that was just bonus

we told you that was a documentary I'll do Sklaro Country if you guys come to my weird Saturday

afternoon group sex group you called it a Sklargy no you guys called it a Sklargy you called it a Juman Centipede

I called it a Nobukaki before 5pm is what I called it you guys broke every rule you have a thing for white jewish men i have a thing for dudes i'm an equal opportunity dirty old lady you are an equal opportunity lady you are not that old but very dirty i am that's exactly thank you for picking out the important parts of that statement that you're not old yes that was the

only critical thing that needed to be um you are so busy all the time i'm actually it's like a miracle we got you but we we're on 27 tv shows and 16 animated shows and doing a million other things and yeah i mean you're amazing on top of your own life i'll just say in general this is true you've clearly been hanging out with my therapist right we talked to your therapist my therapist literally just don't come in anymore until you get your shit together. I can't. Don't come in here. Yeah, don't come to me.

Don't come in here anymore until you get your shit together. Don't come here and don't come to me again. I can't listen to you anymore. It's always good when your therapist is like, you know what,

I've had enough. Don't come back. I can't. It's like you've got to clean up for the cleaning lady. Is it weird for you that there are probably a lot of dudes out there

who've jerked off to your animated character on Archer? Is it weird? Is it weird to walk around with that? Now, do you carry that knowledge? It's deeply gratifying. Is it like I just raised my sword to the clouds

and said, I have the power! Howard Grayskull? Yeah. Do you carry that around in your purse? No, I don't. What is it? What is that? It's the knowledge that...

What is the physical manifestation of that that like conceptual knowledge it's like one of the crystals that goes into like superman's you know his console or just a solitude it's that big and you just stick it in your purse why is my purse so heavy guys i can't get my tesla to start Where's that geyser jizzing crystal? I can't get it to turn on. I don't think about it, but I will. And I don't know why I'm telling the internet this. Please. Hey, Mr. Internet.

Hey. But there's a lot of amateur, like, Archer porn. Oh, I'm sure. I am sure about that. Anything animated can just be bastardized so quickly. It's so gross. So easily. So that's just. And the weird thing is I just can't look at it because I don't want to know

how I'm going to, I don't want to have any kind of feelings. I'm hoping I'm repulsed, but if I'm turned on, then it's another trip to my therapist. You're in a whole other. Where I'll be rejected for an hour. You need a new therapist. Yeah, I do. You're going to need a therapist to talk about the things that you, in the therapy. I'd like my therapist to make eye contact with me at some point.

That's all I'm saying. I don't know. She won't look me in the eye. Just hold it. Three seconds is plenty. You and I have already had more eye contact than I've ever had with you.

We've looked each other more than you and your therapist. You know, you're looking deep into my soul right now. It's too much. By the way, your therapist could learn a lot

if she just looked right at you. True. You know what really sucks? Why is she scrolling through her emails? That's so uncool. Can you not postmate while we're doing can we not like i would like noodles it's never good when your therapist gives you one of those oh wow

like it doesn't look up or fights a yawn or you're like and then this terrible thing happened to me oh that's great okay that's good no no no you're like i just i just don't have i don't feel like people really listen to me anymore and then you hear like the plane taking off from an email being sent. I'm sorry. I hear you. I hear you. I totally hear you on that one. I hear you.

I literally, I hear you is like the least hearing statement. I hear you. I hear you. Okay. Yeah. Anytime a therapist says you do you, that's when you need to leave. You handle your business. I'm going to handle mine.

You do you. I think you need to pick somebody else yeah more sensitive well I think most of the people in most of the stories that Dan talks to us have never been to therapy

no Dan brings in stories of people who need to be in therapy let's be their therapist let's try to understand their problem so just for my own edification

let's do it as we said before we started I agreed to do this without having any idea what I was getting myself into it's the best place to be in that's the moderate level of affection I have for you guys. Thank you.

So where are these stories coming from? So Dan will tell you. Fans. We sort of crowdsourced our stories. They're news stories. They're news stories that have been pulled from local news in Jacksonville or Tampa or surprisingly Oregon has a lot of stories. We were just up in Portland.

Thank you to everyone who came out to those shows at Helium. Wonderful time. Helium's a great club. Amazing and were just up in Portland. Thank you to everyone who came out to those shows at Helium. Wonderful time. Helium's a great club. Amazing. And all our Portland peeps. But we get these stories that just come in. And Oregon does a lot. They reveal a lot of their police blotter.

Oh, cool. And we just get the details and we go through them. Yeah, people see them in their hometown or in their paper or their local news sites. And then they go like, oh, this has to be sent to Dumb People Town. Okay. And they just hashtag Dumb People Town and at me on Twitter. And then I go through and just find ones that'll be fun for this. Oh, this is so great, guys. I'm glad I finally understand what's happening.

You get it. I mean, not in any kind of grand, meaningful way. Just like in a specific. No, you know what you're doing now. Yeah, moment intentionally. I hear you. You understand more about what's going on in here than you do in therapy. Did you say I hear you?

I said I hear you. Did you say I hear you? Oh, Dan. Oh, Dan. Thank you. She sent an email. You do you. All right, Dan, said I hear you. Oh, Dan. Oh, Dan. She sent an email. You do you. All right, Dan, what do you got?

Here we go. This was sent in by Regina Falange. Not a real name. At Regina. She is Falange. You think people are using aliases on Twitter? Regina Falange? That's a character from Friends.

That's Lisa Kudrow's alt character. Look at this. What was your character's name on Friends? Charlie Wheeler. Hey-o. Yeah. Charlie's such a good name for a lady. It really is.

Right for a lady. You know, she's kind of a tomboy. Sexy. She knows about anthropology. This real life person named Regina goes by at Regina underscore flange. I swear to God that is not a real name. Of course.

I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying it. Next one's going to be Mick Flick. Okay. Which is my porn name. Mick Flick. Mick Flick is is my porn name. Mick Flick. Mick Flick is a great porn name. Mick Flick knows how to take a punch.

It's also an Irish racial slur. It is. I take it back. Oh, I'm a racist. Okay, here we go. Corbin, Kentucky. I love it already. This is a person who needs therapy.

A bizarre situation brought the Friday morning practice for the Corbin High School track team to a screeching halt. Sickness canceled classes on Friday. How sick is a school that the entire school was closed down due to sickness? Guy, I thought that sickness was the name of like a metal band that one of the kids would start. Sickness is doing a concert, guys. Guys, sickness took over the cafeteria we can't continue it's just too metal in here you guys have kids does that ever happen where there's so much sickness going around they're like no one come in lice can you imagine if like a school or like we cannot have class today because we are just infested with because your children Because your children are literally lousy.

Dirty. Lousy. Lousy children. Yes. Shot through with lice. Well, Cygnus canceled classes on Friday, but the track team still held practice. Thank God. The track coach spotted a woman taking off her clothes.

We talked about this on Sklodbro Country, and I'm so glad. Oh, you did? Well, we're getting to it in Dump People Town. I'm glad for you taking this one. Yeah. It's excitement. on Sklabo Country and I'm so glad but I'm glad

for you taking this one. Yeah. Excitement. The track coach spotted a woman taking off her clothes before he could react which to me is like

20 minutes. By the way, she was getting ready for the sickness concert. Yes. Just flashing them titties. Just getting ready. I like that it says

before he could react. When you know damn well he stood there and watched how that played out. Before he could react. Before he could react meant like while he was taking photos.

Because she had on a tearaway track suit. It literally took her three seconds. And then she just started doing calisthenics. Just limbering up. Yep, limbering up.

Just getting limber. Limbering up. Before he could react, a.k.a. he watched long enough to see how this plays out. And decide whether to masturbate. I am making quote fingers.

You know, his question was can I masturbate with my clothes still on? Can I do this over the track pants? Oh, yeah. The track pants are loose. You can already see the elbow on my penis. Is there an area under the stadium where I still have full vision? People will see my hand moving vigorously inside my vintage 1987 Adidas track pants.

Bike shorts. Vintage. Before he could react, the naked woman jumped the chain link fence. I imagine that means climbed up and over because if she's jumping the fence straight up that you've got a demon well to me then it's like that is like a new movie like a new she's a new marvel character oh for sure but like not even that she touched the fence like she's nude right crouches and just jumps and then lands in that kind of like fist paddling into the air.

Boom, this hits the ground. This is like an origin story. Exactly. Of a superhero. She didn't realize she could do that. It gets better and better. Holy crap. She jumped the chain link fence

and began running with the boys on the track. Imagine these 16-year-old boys. Okay, by the way, this is the difference between a woman getting naked in front of a bunch of boys and a man getting naked in front of the women's track team. Man getting naked would just start trying to have sex with everyone who was running. Woman just wants to get her run on, get her cardio in. See, I was going to come at it the other way.

This is really interesting, kind of like psychosocial analysis. What I was thinking is, lady getting naked, track team can't believe their good fortune, who prayed for naked lady because I'm converting to your religion. You obviously rubbed the stump, as it were. Oh, Santa Claus, it took him a while, but he finally brought me my present. Naked guy running onto track with girls,

half of them shriek and run the other way and the other half pummel him in his nuts with like a pointed fist. Right? Which girls are doing more of nowadays. Like guys, don't strip and run

after teenage girls because they will most likely punch you in the center of their taint. Or all the girls looked at the one girl who they knew conjured this up.

Right. Way to go, Jeanette. Exactly. You're banned from Ouija. No more Ouija for you. No more Ouija for you. Ouija. God damn you.

I knew she was bad news. It's like when Babs lands in that boy's bedroom at the end of Animal House and he looks up and goes, thank you God.

Or the scene in Dogma where Chris Rock falls out of the sky and remember, or not Silent Bob, Jay's like, people just fall out of the sky

and then he falls out of the sky and he goes, big titty blonde bitches don't just fall out of the sky. Now you're actually like looking for a type.

Or young Frankenstein. Young Frankenstein. He has so many cultural touch points. Police say that Julie Legger never touched the boys. It could be Ledger, but I'm going Legger. It's L-E-G-E-R. Can we go Legger? She's a runner.

She's Legging it. She's Legging it. She's Legging it out. Legging it. Legging it out. That's what you call when someone is trying to beat out an infield single in baseball. He's Legging it out. Yeah. She's just Legging it out. Legging it. Legging it out. That's what you call when someone is trying to beat out an infield single in baseball. He's legging it out. Yeah.

She's just legging it out. Legger never touched the boys. Never touched the boys, but just ran alongside them. That's right. No conversation? No eye contact? Almost protecting them. Probably too much eye contact, but no conversation.

Well, not eye contact. There were eyes. For sure. But nobody looking in the same direction. Up here, boys. Up here, guys. Up here. My eyes are up here.

My eyes are up here. Up here, boys. Up here, guys. Up here. My eyes are up here. My eyes are up here. Come on, ladies. According to Captain Coy Wilson, one of the coaches saw her a couple hundred yards away, I guess, by the softball field. No way he could have stopped her a couple hundred yards away. That's two fucking football fields. Guys, I have angina. Come on now.

I think he only took enough time to lean over, tap Rich, and be like, Rich, look what's coming our way. Watch this. There's a naked lady on there. Let's see how this plays out. Dude, I thought you told your cousin she couldn't come here anymore. Right? No, it is probably someone's cousin.

Tell her to stop calling me. She had clothes on. He said he noticed her over there taking her clothes off. Then she just started running towards the track. Way to take responsibility. Way to take responsibility. What is she doing? Running towards the school? But what is responsibility. Way to run towards the school. But what is she doing?

Like, what is she actually trying to do? Well, they say once she got to the track, she was chasing these girls like growling at them, mumbling some stuff. I couldn't understand what she was saying. It was freaking everybody out. Ethan Sims said Sims is on the Corbin High School track team. She starts growling at women.

Women. So is it all girls on the track? No, it's girls and boys. But she's made her way over to the girls now and is growling at them. God, she's motivated.

I know. Why don't she just want to know who has the baton? Exactly. Guys, I'm on the third leg. What's your split? What's your split?

Speaking of third leg, the male track team. But she's a lady. The male track team. I'm saying the male track what's your split what's your split speaking of third leg the male track team but she's a lady the male track team I'm saying the male track team saw her and they were on their way odd way to carry

the baton though odd way to carry third baby's fist maybe not a third leg third tiny little baby carrot baby carrot come on

but it's I mean okay so she's clearly on something are we going to say like bath salts is that what it is or is it she's on bad brain chemistry she's clearly on something. Are we going to say bath salts? Is that what it is? She's on bad brain chemistry.

She's on bad brain chemistry. But that's, yeah, you don't do that at a high school when something isn't going wrong. Yeah, but listen to this. She growls at the girls and they're freaked out. She said, stay away. I've marked those men. I urinated on all of them. That's all mine.

So she runs with the boys and they're like Well she's not really Doing anything now I mean Yeah she's fine She's just chilling She's still wearing shoes Or she's Zola Budding it Captain Coy Wilson says She started chasing them

Or running with them Big difference Big difference She never touched anyone Or did anything I would have loved to have seen her Just long jumped And just gotten a ton of sand

In her vagina You know I gotta tell you something Having never had sand In my vagina I can still tell you confidently At the beach At the beach You've never had sand what are you guys animals i don't know i've never even keep the jay this dialogue jay away from the sand man that makes sense straight human pearl action towel down no frown you know towel down stop the frown oh my god what if she thought

what if she had just heard that like naked running is like the best way to run barefoot naked running she's been wearing those Vibram

Vibram shoes with the five fingers she wanted to up it and she thought guys skeletal classes are cancelled because sickness

is in town playing I'm gonna just go no one will be there and then when she got there she's like I'm already here I'm naked I might as well run maybe if I grow. No one's going to be there. And then when she got there, she's like, I'm already here. I'm naked. I might as well run.

Maybe if I growl, these people will clear the tracks. They'll get out of here. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. The lady is straight paleo, by the way. Everybody clears the track. Of course they do. This is yours, lady.

Yeah, have it. Yeah, that's what they said. Everybody ran over here immediately. And I love the thing. This is what it says. Everybody over there ran over here. Such great reporting love the thing everyone this is what it says everybody over there ran over here such great reporting it's good reporting is it are these direct quotes yeah everybody over there ran over here that's like reading someone give an indirect reference to

two places within three words but what are you worried about truthfully like with her she's naked like she doesn't have a concealing a weapon unless it's up there. No way. Because somebody like that, they could do anything. What? Naked running will kill you with their hands. Yes. A woman who runs without supportive bra will bite your face flesh off.

I wasn't even thinking about that. How come this isn't her? Wouldn't that hurt? Think about a guy running just like free balling and running. Done it? Okay, we've done it. Okay, I've never run. We have done it.

You've done it you never see a michigan the naked mile i should you and i go way back we do it's until like 20 minutes ask you a personal question have you ever run naked in your house anywhere enough to be like in the house but yeah like full-on yes you got to wrap your arms around your torso and grip tightly. I didn't even think about that. There's no sprinting. No. No. No.

It would hurt. Yes. There's no pre-fontaining with no bra on. No way. Post-fontaining. Yeah. I was working on another. I tried to, too.

And I bailed so quick. It's not there. It's not there. It's just the bottom of the bag. It's like a little premature fontaining. Okay. Put it down. But look. Put it down. but no one could be that worried.

Unless, my first thought is, if she starts growling and she's naked, she's turning into a werewolf, right? Oh, God, that would be, yeah. I mean, isn't that- Well, she already leapt a six foot- She leapt a fence. Yeah, naked. Several close.

Vertical jump. She's going to get down and do the American Werewolf in London. Yes. Just her back. Straight TV on the radio. Arms get longer. Wolf like me. TV on the radio. Yeah. Just taking it. Super hipster wolf.

Yeah. She becomes like a hipster wolf. She becomes Sea Wolf. That's another hipster wolf bit. Yeah. What are all the wolf? There was like a ton of like hipster wolf band. Yeah.

Sea Wolf. Wolf Mother. Wolf Mother. Wolf Parade. Wolf. Really? Yeah. Sea Wolf. I'm not joking. Lots of wolves. Lots of wolves. Sorry. Wolf mother. Wolf mother. Wolf parade. Really? Yeah. I'm not joking. Lots of wolves.

Lots of wolves. Sorry. Go ahead. So yeah, everybody over there ran over here immediately and they got in the field house and locked it. Cameron Sizemore said. Sizemore is also. This is an overreaction.

That's a way to lock the door. That's deep. Once inside, the coaches called the police as the woman continued to run around the field. Guys, but see what would be better is if they locked them. It's midday. It's a naked lady who is growling but has no visible weapon. Hasn't touched anybody. They run away.

They hide in a shed. As they're inside the shed, they're thinking, I think we might have overreacted. It's just a naked lady. And then just... She's just punching through solid metal with her bare hands and she rips it off

and da da da da da da see in my mind I want some that would have been the greatest they're all so scared okay how come this is not a this has to be

either a Lifetime movie or the next Marvel comic yes she ran she ran she ran she's called the runner oh no it's

holy in my mind I want there to be some like 73-old retired former teacher and coach who just comes out to help time the laps, has not even looked up from his stopwatch, and as she's running around, he's like, keep it up, good pace. Keep it up, good pace. Everybody is gone. She's the only person still running.

It's like Gary Chaput. Coming into the last turn. Now, turn it on after runners. Really give it that kick. Last 100 meters. Last 100 meters. Let's go. person still running. It's like Gary Chapu. Coming into the last turn. Now turn it on after runners. Really give it that kick. Last 100 meters. Let's go. You got this. That's a PB.

That's a PB right there. Knees up. Knees up. Knees up. Nicely done. Good work. Hit the showers. They called cops.

Once the side coaches called the cops, she continues to run around. She was probably like, thank God you guys are gone. Clear the track. Clear the track. Clear the track. There you go. Is she wearing shoes? Is she wearing shoes are gone. Clear the track. Clear the track. There you go. Is she wearing shoes? By the way, that is not the way you want to be described.

She's got the kind of looks that could clear a track. Well, apparently they weren't because she had to add some growling. You know, she had to add some effects. She had to zhuzh a bit. One witness said, no clue if they work for the track team as though everyone else has been indicated i don't know who this person is quote the kids mostly laughed it off so they didn't even care right which again goes back to you being like different sky and girl yes yeah um police came to the scene and arrested julie legger she was still when they arrived she was still naked and now standing in the parking lot

when officers got there. Police say she would not willingly get in the cruiser and resisted arrest. No shit. We don't know why that is because she's naked

and that vinyl, it's hot. It's too hot. Who knows, who else's uncovered vagina was on it before yours? But truthfully, let's be honest,

if she was a black dude, she'd be shot. At that point, she'd be dead. You're absolutely right. She'd be dead. She would be dead. A naked black dude running around the track. If she was a black dude, she'd be shot. At that point, she'd be dead. You're absolutely right. She'd be dead. She would be dead. A naked black dude

running around the track. And then he's naked and he puts his hands up. He was reaching for his gun. He was reaching for his gun. I'm sorry that I thought a black man's penis was a gun. I'm sorry.

It was huge. I'm clear that makes me racist. It was big and black. It was big and black. And about to go off. So you tell me. Guys, it's like a rap lyric.

Okay, so we were in a movie. Please don't write me letters. Direct them to these guys. Direct them to Aisha Tyler. Her podcast is called Girl on Guy. Do not write me. I don't care.

The next sentence here just sums it up. Sums up her entire day. It's one sentence. They ended up having to use a taser on her. She wasn't fucking around. No way. You know she started several sentences with, they...

She said one thing. He told me... She got down in superhero stance, which is a three-point stance, right? Crouch, hand on the ground. And she said, come at me, bro. That's it.

And then they had a taser. But you're right if it was a black man dead and we're laughing about it because we're uncomfortable it's an uncomfortable I'm being serious

it's true it's absolutely true that's absolutely true a black man would not get a guy a man would have been treated more violently and a black man

would have been shot shot the officers say at the scene say that Julie Legger was incoherent and could not provide them with her name

one of the things I loved most about this story, they posted her picture on Facebook and within minutes got an identification from one of Legger's relatives. So they literally were just like, who knows her? And then somebody's like, that's Julie for you.

That's mine. That's Julie for you. Do they have a picture of her or no? Legger is charged with resisting arrest and decent exposure, disorderly conduct, public intoxication. Okay. She was taken

also charged with a broken heart. She was taken to Baptist Health Corbin for treatment. Shin splints. Aisha, we're going to start

with you. Tits splints. For a game we like. Those don't exist. I don't know. Do they exist? A game we like to play here. How old is Julie Legger?

Yeah. Oh, man. Okay. We even have a theme song for it. All right. And they'll- We'll play that now? Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Okay, you guys guys you may already know but I want you to be genuine of what you're I don't know

I actually can't remember okay great alright well then let's we'll let you you want to go first or last guess choice I'll go first okay

so we know she was running a lot so she definitely can't be too old right or you have an image of her the second we started talking about her yeah but you know see here's the thing when you see Julie Legger and you're going to after you guys get the age i will

show you her age when you see her in your head you know and everybody feel the way you want about what i'm about to say she's definitely white okay yes she's probably dirty blonde yes she's probably an age but looks a lot older because she's been partying hard for a long time you're some of those ladies where like the face is busted but you look down, she could be like 28. Yes. And she probably is. She's like, you know, yeah. But they're not partying.

Business up top, party on the bottom. 48 up top. So yeah, so this is a hard one because I feel like she looks older than she is. Okay, good.

And she's fucked up in public, which that's a young person's game. It's a young person's game. That's a young person's game. Old people sit in the house and drink shops, right? Yeah, they don't get it. Yeah, they have fights in driveways. They're not out at the track. Unless it's a different type of track that they're out at.

Right, right. I don't know what that meant. I call her afternoon a day at the races. Yeah, and you can be over. It's closest to it. It doesn't matter if you're over or not. It doesn't matter. Whatever you're feeling.

But I also feel like this game is geared around someone being an age you wouldn't expect. Okay, so what do you think? Give us a number. I hate you guys. I don't know if I have to do math. Yeah.

But you've given so much credit. 60. 60 years old. You know all those old people that still run marathons and stuff like that?

Yeah, nobody said fast. We never said fast. They're just running. No one said she sprinted or she beat anybody. She did jump a fence. Also, nobody said fast. We never said fast. They're just running. No one said she sprinted or she beat anybody. She did jump a fence. Also, you did say she never caught up

with the group that was running. I didn't. I never said that she did. Jason Sklar. This woman is 36 years old. 36 years old from Jason Sklar. Three years old. I think I weigh.

I overbid. This woman has her whole life ahead of her and by whole life, I mean six years. How old is she? She is 24 years old 24 years old okay i'm gonna show you guys the photo guys this is gonna end julie legger looks like this and is 26 years old

it's been a hard life it's a hard life like. See, what's great is she's got her mouth closed, so you can't see that she's the poster child for Faces of Meth. Mouth open. Mouth open. Faces of Meth. Her mouth looks like Kong Island, but she's got her mouth closed, so you can't see. And you know she didn't have a hair tie or anything. That was flowing mane, like coming at you. She's got no product in her hair or anything.

No, no product. Come on. No scrunchie. But what I also like about that is like, I thought until they apprehended her with a taser, she could have just been like some hippie. You know what I mean? Like, just say guys, you know, bodies are bodies. And come on, man. Bodies are bodies.

Restricting. Hey, I was a burning man for a year and no one said anything to me there. I don't understand why we can't feel that closeness every day of the year. We place too much importance. Do you know what I mean? That human closeness. We're covering too much

of ourselves up. Let's connect, guys. Let's just connect like at Burning Man. Don't put those logos on your body. Those corporations don't own you.

That's right. But forever, from this point forward, she's forever. 26. It's the growler. Jesus. The growler.

You spoke right. I love how immediately people were like, yeah, that's ours. I'm going to show you guys another picture of her. She got away. This is for you. It's a you guys another picture of her. I feel like this is for you. It's a much more accurate picture of her.

Orange is the new black? She's literally growling in that picture. That's the Julie we know. By the way, it looks as if the last crack rock she swallowed went through her neck. Burned a hole in and out of her neck. Guys, I didn't have a stoma this morning and now I've got to talk through a little whistle I don't know how

did that happen so fast everything comes out of the old the old every time she talks the old knuckle I went to bed normal woke up with a stoma

knuckle for the record five minute mile she did do run oh come on she was pre-funtanning she's the Roger Bannister of crazy naked people

running around a track. With holes in their necks. You gotta be free. You gotta be free, man. Or the Mary Decker Slaney. That's our first one. All right. First story.

It only took us an hour and 20 minutes. That's right. Hey, we are off and running. Do people interrupt you this much all the time? Yes. Yes. That's what the show's all about.

They're not as good as you. Always. You're very supportive. Super talented. Hey, we have the talented Aisha Tyler here. She has an amazing podcast, Girl on Guy. You definitely should be subscribed to that and checking that out you should among the other things among all the many other things and we'll talk more about that when we get back with a little more dumb people town stick around make a sound there's more Hey everybody, welcome back to Dumb People Town.

How come people can follow you on Twitter? Yeah, Aisha Tyler. All of my handles are A-I-S-H-A-T-Y-L-E-R. One word. Everywhere you go. And they can find out all the stuff you're doing. Are you performing at all? Doing any live performances?

No. I'm a jerk. You've got gotta do it i know i miss it so much i took a break from i've been doing it for like 22 years but i took a break because i was about the same time i took a break just because i was so crazy and i was just sick of like eating bar mix at a marriott at like 2 30 in the morning on a saturday off my chest crying softly while watching law and order reruns wow that's a little bit too close to the bone you know it's like sovignon blanc that i got from the bone. No, it's close. Drinking like Sauvignon Blanc

that I got from the, like, can you just put it in like a bar, like in a keg cup? Yeah, in a to-go cup. In a nice big red, like a kegger cup. In a growler.

Yes. And I was like, I'll just take a year off. And then that just turned into two years and then I directed a film and so now it's been three. So it's,

I'm definitely going back. It's not like I quit. I just, you know, it's, I love stand-up. It's everything around stand-up it's everything around stand up i don't relish it's just the misery of the road well maybe you just pick your spots maybe you ease your way back into it and uh and you just do a few dates like yeah just do festivals and then you're just hanging out with friends doing stuff yeah and then it's a one-nighter and

and you know i also uh my whole life changed in the last couple of years. And so like half of my act is burnt. So I've got to find a new hour. But I would love to hear the post. Yeah, I got to do the new stuff. That's what I'm saying. I would love to hear your take on your life now that has been somewhat blown up. Yeah, yeah. What was it? Someone was saying that Dana Gould got a divorce so he could get a new hour.

That's smart. If anybody's going to talk about divorce, I want to hear it from him. Nothing's going on around here, guys. How do I generate some new experiences? But anyway, so I do. I miss it. I miss it a lot. Yeah, just start some shit.

Just start some shit at home. But you're up on the TV. People can see your ass on the TV. Yeah, you can see all the shows. I'm on a lot of shows. You are on a lot of shows. I'm very lucky, by the way, and I don't take any of it for granted. No, they're fucking lucky to have you.

You're a kind fellow period true but I might you know the most fun thing I just did was I directed a movie I just finished it it's called Axis

it's a thriller it's my first little movie I kickstarted it yeah I remember you came on our podcast hopefully we made you some money you did

you made me $17.34 that's actually more than I expected so 15 of it I just took off of someone's desk when I was leaving the studio.

She was in the studio. She wasn't looking the other way. Thanks for crediting us with that. It was because of you. But it's actually going to have its premiere

at the New, well, the world premiere is going to be at the Sarasota Film Festival the first weekend of April. And then the West Coast premiere is going to be at the Newport Beach

Film Festival the third weekend of April. Newport Beach is a great film festival. Good job. And then it goes to Nashville, then it goes to Bentonville, and then hopefully Festival. Oh, that's a great one. The third weekend of April. Newport Beach is a great film festival. Good job. And then it goes to Nashville. Then it goes to Bentonville. And then hopefully it'll go to Europe.

And then it'll be on video on demand. And if people follow you, they can keep up with those premiere dates and know where to go. Yeah, totally. What's it called one more time? Axis. A-X-I-S. It's about a drug addict who kind of burned his life down. And he gets it back together, right?

He thinks he has it back together. And then on this one day as he's driving through LA during rush hour, it just completely explodes in his face. His whole life just comes crashing down. I love that you directed a movie with a male lead. Yeah, it's very masculine, this movie.

No, I just love that because to me that's like super unexpected. Yeah. I mean, I know that I picked it to be like, hey, I'm different. It was just a story that I love. No, no, no. This is a story that I wanted to tell.

I'm just saying it's phenomenal. Thank you. Yeah, I'm really. It was just a story that I love. This is a story I wanted to tell. I'm just saying, it's phenomenal. Thank you. Yeah, I'm really proud of it. I can't wait to see it. But for a first time director, that is interesting because I think,

yeah, there are plenty of women who direct movies that are, yeah, it doesn't matter. There's a male lead or whatever. That happens. But I love that this is your first movie. You're basically saying like, this is,

I could do anything. Right, hopefully. And also like this is I could do anything right hopefully and also like don't because I think people look at a director and go like this person does this and this person does that and they

might assume that I would make a certain kind of film but yeah this is the year for comedy people to make small films that make a big thing

Jordan Peele man come on Jordan Peele like all of a sudden now what's the movie sorry what's it oh damn I'm just damn i love that

you have the internet literally sitting inside of your body right now come on dan doesn't read get out is so damn good yeah that also shows you what you can do in a genre that people think have been fully exploited do you know what i mean i think like everything's been done in horror everything's been done in action whatever it is there's always new stuff you can do because there are all the other genres that are out there that you can bleed into it in very smart and interesting ways right right love it all right axis is the name of the movie keep an eye out what do we have for a second story let's do it this was sent in by carlene at carliner c-a-r-l-e-e-n-e-r thanks for hashtagging dumb people town and sending it my way that sounds like a more

like that sounds like a real name to me Carleen yeah Carleen Carleen there's a lot of people in our life

that are like just oh Carleen get off the ground stop picking your nose Carleen this is a public place Carleen

Carleen Carleen don't you take my man I was going to say it's the bad version of Jolie Carleen Carleen get up off that hill and stop sleeping in your boots I was going to say it's the bad version of Jolene. Colleen. Colleen.

Get up off that hill and stop sleeping in your boots. True story. I could read just the first sentence of this story, and with the four of us, we could do the same amount of time we did on the last one on just the first sentence. Don't tease. Your tease is what you are right now.

You're teasing us. Daniel, do it. A Seattle man is accused of indecent exposure after he allegedly tried to scan his penis at a grocery store self-checkout. Like a champion! When they set up self-checkout, they had to know that this would be a concern.

Let me just put this up. But now you're thinking of it again. What's the stance here, right? Is it like the three-point, like, I don't even need to try stance? Does he climb up? Is he like, did he get a milk crate? And he's like, Stan, he's going to leave. He's like, it's still not.

Come on. If you are anywhere near the checkout and you hear an unzipping, run. If you look behind you and the guy has his hand his pants and you say what are you doing he says getting my produce ready no no it came up as skirt steak that's the weirdest inside a shed with your friends and your coach almost skirt steak flap steak and because it's seattle people were like just you know let him work it out he's got some stuff working out. Could you imagine, though? It's raining.

He's depressed. Let him have his life. There's always like four or five self-checkouts together, like in a group. So you could have looked over and just been like, nope, we're cutting. We're going. Leave the milk. Leave it. We're done.

We don't need it. We don't need any of this. But then it's all like, okay, so I'm sure we'll find out how mentally, you know, solvent this person is. Or attractive. Oh, I don't care about his hotness. Once you've got your dick pressed against a reflective surface, we're not friends. My question is, what did his son do?

Is it, though? His son sitting in the basket of his car. What did he do? What were you going to say? You said we'll find out. I was going to say that we're going to find out whether this person is crazy or not. But I think he might have a legitimate concern because the government probably came to his house and put a chip in his dick and they're tracking what his online spending habits are and what his thoughts are and you know how much he likes

watching reruns of i want you to direct this he just wants to make sure where i think the chip is in my dick maybe i'll find out now access to chip in my dick there's a chip in my dick. And the movie poster says, Chip happened. That log line is already taken. For a good time stamp. Twice. Twice. Two different movies use chip happens. Chip happens.

Or dick happens. One or the other. Yeah, that's already been used as well. Ridiculous. No, but love is ridiculous. The savings at this store are ridiculous I think we just got our next project Self cock out

Nicely done Christian Fisher Christian Fisher Is he a Christian now? Christian Fisher now your time has come Christian Fisher He's had to have heard that in his life right? I would, yeah.

Yes? They're not that close. Close to me. Christian Fisher. It's enough to take your dick out of the supermarket. That's how much.

If one more person sings that to me. This is what I love, too. Ready for the second thing? This is how they set this up. Christian Fisher strolled into

Quality Food Center. I hope that there is closed circuit television of him just strolling. Whistling. Guys, he's pimp walking in. He's been watching some old Snoop videos. He's just got his crimp walk on. It's just a Saturday afternoon. Diamond in the back.

Sun rooftop. Digging the scene. With the gangsta lean. Strolled into... Diamond in the back, sun rooftop, digging the scene. With the gangsta lean. Yep. Strolled into Quality Food Center on Wednesday evening and ended up at the self-checkout. Ended up as though he was forced there. He just finally... Yeah.

Thank God he didn't do it with, you know, like sitting on the conveyor belt with an actual person. Guys, how alarming would that be? That would have been... Like a penis. Do you have anything else you want to declare just just this after placing his penis on the scanner christian fisher called over a female employee who understandably reacted in shock which means he took it out and i was like can i get a little price no it probably said on the computer and please ask for assistance scanner's broken it's not working do you need please ask for assistance. Scanner's broken.

It's not working properly. Do you need a bag for this item? Yeah. But he's definitely a shower, not a grower. I think we're all assuming that this was an impressive display. It was probably a very tiny. He might have worked it up. What if it barely was touching?

Just the very tip. Just the tip. She walks over and she's like, mushrooms, you have to buy those in a big... You can't just buy one mushroom. No. One mushroom and two olives. We don't sell those individually. Where'd you get that?

Sir, you opened the jar, you took the olives out. That's not allowed. That's not allowed. You're adorable. So the man calls over a female employee who understandably reacted in shock. All the while, Christian Fisher was, quote, laughing and did not make any attempts to stow away his blatantly exposed genitalia. I do like the fact that it is like suddenly now becomes something that he's got to smuggle out of there. Yeah, and I also like the thinly veiled like alarm and disbelief of whoever's writing this piece, because once he's got his dick out and he's put it on the scanner, everything else is pretty much indicated.

I can't believe he didn't put his dick away. He's put it on the scanner everything else is pretty much indicated i can't believe he didn't put his dick away he's not sensibly they don't let that go in their report to their manager i'm gonna put my dick on the scanner i'm gonna call the lady over it's gonna be awesome can i say to everybody out there in dumb people town that listens to this show and works at a grocery store or any sort of public place and if anyone calls you over and is laughing uncontrollably don't go i don't care what it is. Public, uncontrolled laughing. Give that person a big...

They are not going to ask you for a book of stamps. No, not at all. That was a deep dive there, by the way. That's what I usually do when I call someone over. Can you cash a check? Also, if you pulled your dick out your intention is to keep it out it was like

his dick fell out by accident and then he made no attempt to stow his penis to stow it away stow it away stow it away

means but that means like put it somewhere where people can't find it that also makes it sound huge to me stow it away stow it away

I don't know I'm confident this guy's penis is average at best. It's like he's harboring a fugitive in his pants. Because if you've got a big one, you don't need anybody to see it. No. You know what you've got going on. What did Walter Payton say?

You know you're packing heat. What did Walter Payton say? When you're good at something, you tell everyone. When you're great at something, they tell you. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Sweetness. Same thing goes for penises.

Sweetness. Afterward, I guess he was like, I'm done. All right. i'm done all right okay guys i feel like the bit's over yeah right he's like i don't anybody got any tags anybody is there anybody else who needs to come over and see this okay can't those some of those self-checkouts weigh things well maybe he was trying to weigh his dick no it's all barcodes right it's all yeah there's no scale barcodes there's a scale under your bag there's a scale that's like separate to it well it's so so you know you you scan it why do i know so much about because you know i hate interacting with human beings right i go to the home depot like can i get in out without ever speaking to a person which you can even when

you need to find a human but don't people come up to you no no no because i just look large and slightly masculine like oh james harden's inen's in here. James Harden shaved? No way. He shaved his beard. What's up with that? I thought he was a Hasidic Jew. You scanned it. Yeah, the payouts are missing.

So you go and you scan, and then you have to drop it into the bag, and the scale affirms. Go on the thing. Yeah, the scale affirms that you actually are, you know, the thing you're taking with you. Welcome back to the grocer talk. The grocer scam.

My nerd food is strong. So anyways, afterwards, he left the store before authorities arrived. He had a plan. He had a whole plan. This bit,

he wrote it out. Yeah, no, he ran it by a few other people. His checklist is, he is not here to disappoint you because he later returned and got aggressive with staff

that escorted him out. So he left and was like, I should go back. I should go back. I don't like how I was treated on my way out. I don't feel like that bit landed the way that I wanted. Let me go back and try again. You know how when you audition for something and you're in your car later

going and doing the bond. Can I just take one more run? I know you're not going to hire me, but can I just take one just take one more run? I know you're not going to hire me, but can I just take one more run at this? I just need it so that I know. That's what he said to the store, too. Guys, I know you're not even going to read my application. I just need to do it again.

Guys, just for me. Just for me. For me. The suspect fled once again because he was escorted out. Of course. This is what I love. But officers found him

sleeping down the street. Yes. Nice. There's where the plan ran out. By the way, sleeping down the street. Yes. Nice. There's where the plan ran out. By the way, sleeping down the street should never be a phrase that describes you in your life ever. No. I just feel like he was like, job well done. Now it's time to nap it out.

A little me time. A little me time. Yeah. Well, you know when that feeling where just like that warm glow washes over you where you just feel like, yeah, like, you know, mission accomplished. Yep. Just curl up under this bush. Jay, describe. No, no, no.

Describe your night last night. Two nights ago, we did shows in Portland and finished shows around 1.30. Had to have a drink because that's what you do after you do a show. Because you're a grown-up. We had our drinks. I got a call right as we're about to leave to go back to our hotel to sleep for two hours before we get on a flight back to L.A. Called from my wife that she's at the emergency room with both our kids because she has to and my three-year-old i come home sorry that both of your kids and your three-year-old but my three-year-old's there my

son of course has to come home because she's gotta go so they're there they go to the emergency room fine the next day she's still sick and starts throwing up last night i take her to the emergency room at like 12 12 o'clock we're there until like 1 30 all right we're there at like 10 o'clock till like 1 30 in the morning she wakes up from sleeping on up all over thrown up all over me and that cool sweatshirt all over that and we're just laying and throw up it's like 1 30 in the morning and like at that point i'm like i'm gonna i deserve a sleep yeah somewhere deserve a sleep because i didn't sleep at all last night. But you only got what?

Like two hours? Two hours last night. So this morning, he calls me and tells me all this. And I'm like, oh, dude, sleep until we come and do this podcast. I'll take care of everything you sleep. And he was like, I can't. I literally cannot. I can't sleep.

I woke up. I'm like, I'm up now. Jay has gotten four collective hours of sleep in two nights. That's not OK. How does this guy put his dick on a thing and then go down outside and just fall asleep? I don't get it. I'm envious of this guy. His ability to nap.

He's sleeping the sleep of the don't have shit to do. Right. You guys, you got mortgages. You got babies. You got expensive sweatshirts. Christian Fisher has no bills no and then if he does

they're in default yeah no money no problems he definitely has a t-shirt that says gone fishering he's the fisher king when cops collared him

he shouted quote I didn't whip my cock out if that's the first thing you're saying to cops but you wake up like that like I didn't want my car

first off first off i didn't want my car to wreck it for a record let me just say for the record we were just asking you where you just are you okay and then you responded with i didn't if i had a nickel for how many times so that's a conversation starter yes guys let me just say right that is a batty harmony date

I did not whip my cock out Fisher who was booked in the county jail for assault and a decent exposure has been arrested

four other times this month for burglary assault and obstruction one more time let's re-rack them how old is Christian

Fisher too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age, guess the age. Got arrested for trying to stick his balls in an ATM as well. That is true. He's trying to make a deposit.

He's trying to make a deposit. You need like a coffee stirrer or a popsicle stick to do that. That's true. Just trying to make a deposit. Just trying to make a deposit. You need like a coffee stirrer or a popsicle stick to do that. That's like a lot of work. You need help. I need a third hand here. It keeps coming back out.

You're going to use that popsicle stick? Can I get that popsicle stick when you're done with that? Just when you're done with that lollipop, just give me the stick. It's like a vending machine

that keeps rejecting a dollar. That noise? Randy, you have the table as winning the last time. Do you want to go first or last? I do. I do. Long noise, though. It's like, ooh, ooh, ooh.

I think this guy is old. I think this guy is 53 years old. 53 years old. Just wanted to see if he still had it. This is all he's got at this point. Jason. I don't think he's that old. I think he's 41.

41 years old. Okay. 23. 23. 23 years old. Because it's just old guys don't call their penises their cock.

That's like a young man. That's a great truth. That's true. Wow, man. Christian Fisher is 31 years old. All right!

Yay! She was on it yes living that young hobo life his Saturn has just returned he's young enough to be wearing a flat billed hat

let's get that no he's got a shirt that says like sorry for partying on it yes sorry for partying I'm in Miami bitch or something like that

which is like curled up under a bush on the street I'm in Miami bitch shirt right now I want that shirt Am Miami bitch shirt right now. I want that shirt. That is a fluorescent tank top.

It's a fluorescent tank top, all different colors with the deep arm scoops. He's wearing flip flops. You can see his tits on the side.

Side boob, side boob. Deep arm scoop. He smoked the wrong cigarette last night. Alright, fine. Jesus Christ. That's the second story,

boys. I love it. I enjoyed it. I'm so glad you're here. I enjoyed it very much. Alright, we have one more story, and then later,

we got a voicemail from the great Chris Christopherson. I don't know how much interaction you've had with him throughout your career. No more bearded. That was James Ingram. Michael McDonald.

Michael McDonald. All those guys from that era, and I know I sound racist, they all look and sound a little bit the same, kind of salt and pepper hair, weird bearded guys. Chris Christopherson

way, way, way before Michael McDonald. Really? Michael McDonald was like Barbra Streisand guy Chris Kristofferson way way way before Michael McDonald Chris Kristofferson was like Barbara Streisand and Chris Kristofferson in movies and stuff isn't Chris Kristofferson

one of the highwaymen too I'm gonna was it do you sing Islands in the Stream no that was Kenny Rogers see another guy that looks like another guy

also come on he's from the same factory is it Lil Wayne or is it Lil the other guy Lil John Lil Cease?

All right. Anyway, so we come back. He was literally, to say it, to quote Lil John, it was Lil Wayne. You don't know. See? None of us know. Chris Christopherson, he was turned down for what? And we're going to tell you what.

Find out what happened. He'll let you know in this voice mail. Or tell people down right after this stick around make a sound there's more uh hey everybody welcome back to dumb people town uh We want to remind people real quick that we're actually going to be in Austin, Texas at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Super fun. We're going to do a live Dumb People Town there. We don't have our guest yet.

We're going to be figuring that out as we speak, but we'll let you guys know. We're going to be doing the ping pong tournament. We're going to be doing a headlining set. Dan's going to be out there doing stand-up, which will be fantastic. So please come and see us there. That's, I believe, April 20th through the 22nd. And then we are going to be

in Kansas City, newly announced. First time ever. First time ever. The Kansas City Improv will be there. Oh, that's great. That'll be March 11th

through the 13th. We're going to do a Finding the Funny in Kansas City. I'm excited about that. And then we're sort of putting the rest of our schedule together.

We might be in Tulsa, Oklahoma for a comedy festival at the beginning of September. We're trying to get out to the Hell Yes Fest in New Orleans and make that happen. I know we want to get back to St. Louis. We want to get to Bloomington. Alaska has been kind of floating around. We'll sort of put it all out. Yeah, it's cool. It's spotty, but it's good.

Kansas City, Austin, Tulsa, Bloomington. Bloomington, Indiana. By the way, Bloomington, I'm not trying to beat up on you. Oh, no, it's a great club there. Really good club. You took a big left turn. Burlington, Vermont, maybe. Who knows? Ann Arbor. Before we do that, I want to let everybody know this is just announced on

420, right before Moon Tower Fest, I'll be headlining at the Secret Group in Houston, Texas. Yeah, go see Dan. Dan's going to be headlining a joint on 420. Yes. 420. At least in Edible. Good show.

You guys should come on to that. Your comedy is very snackable. Thanks. Very Edible. I'll take it. So check all that stuff out. And on this podcast, for this one, which if there are Aisha Tyler fans who are coming to this podcast, go back and listen to the rest of them.

Rate it. Review it. That always helps us. If you listen to this podcast and you back and listen to the rest of them. Rate it. Review it. If you listen to this podcast and you like it and you haven't rated and reviewed it, that helps us so much. Takes 30 seconds. Give us a nice little review. And tell a friend if you're digging it.

Tell a friend and get them on board. All right, Dan. What do you got for the last story? Sent in by Joe Berryhill at shiz, S-H-I-Z, underscore Maldonado. Shiz Maldonado. I don't understand how those two things dubdonado candy maldonado was a baseball player yeah okay all right there we go shiz thanks for i don't know shiz about candy maldonado indianapolis indiana two brothers took magic mushrooms got naked and then caused havoc around an indianapolis apartment complex according to court documents there's a lot of nakedness in this episode.

Let's talk about the nudity in this show, guys. I should have been warned about the ratings level. I know. This is a very our show. It is. But yeah, so... Maybe it's more of a comment on our society that we are trying to restrict...

Put too much clothes. Or just shed societal expectations of who we are and free ourselves. We need to get back to who we are. Let's get back to the Garden of Eden. Just let those... Is what they thought when they were tripping balls. Let that stuff flap away.

Have you ever done mushrooms? Are you allowed to talk about it? I don't know. I mean, I suppose I am. You know, like I did... I mean, in college. Sure. Does everybody do stuff like that in college?

Yeah, we tried them. We tried mushrooms. I guess I'm not running for office now. I've never done them. I've done mushrooms. I've done a lot. But I've done mushrooms and I've done... I've never done cocaine. Never've done mushrooms. I've done a lot, but I've done mushrooms and I've done,

I've never done cocaine. Never done cocaine. Good, and you shouldn't because that's for rich people. That's for rich people. For assholes. Yeah, it's one of those things where if you do it,

if you do it once and you like it, you're going to want to do it again. That's the thing. And then it's just, it's a habit. I just remember when I was young, like seeing people were doing

and thinking like, I can't afford to do that drug like that's not for me I don't have the disposable income to be that person I just remember a dude and I'll call him out by name because I could give a shit

Daniel Day Donald Trump no Donald Trump comedian in New York this kid Josh Spear he I remember we were hanging out he was married

and has children and is running for senator so thank you for that I just remember we were out with him one night. And we were sort of friends with him. We were out. He's a fellow comic. And he was really nice.

We were hanging out. We're all sitting at a table. I think we were watching a music show or something like that. He's like, I go to the bathroom. Goes to the bathroom. Comes back. And he is the biggest asshole in the world. Oh, my God.

How much did you pay for your t-shirt? Your shirt. What's your shirt? How much did you pay for your t-shirt it's my shirt what's your shirt your shirt how much you pay for that i'm like i don't know 40 bucks it's like the shirt sucks man stupid i could go downtown and get like 12 of those shirts for three bucks you guys have no fashion sense you guys are idiots this is fucking i'm glad you i'm glad you outed him now i was on the fence until this i have to say i look back at my clothes that time i'm like he's kind of right whatever and he did have good fashion sense but that's not how you say it. And we were like, oh, man.

Oh, you must have done a lot of coke in the bathroom. And I noticing that that personality shift so much. I was like, who wants to be that? He might be loving it right now, but no one else is loving it right now. Also, like if you're going and doing secret cocaine, you have a problem, right? Like, I'm not a I'm not a counselor but i'm like like this isn't generally or whatever if you're having drinks social it should be it's a social thing you have drinks with your friends you have beers with your friends i don't know about cocaine but i'm assuming

you do with your friends and you're all dicks at one time and no one can be mad at anything you're doing alone speaks to a different issue right exactly it's not the good time you're not going for the good time trying to fill that hole it the good time. Trying to fill up that hole. It's a different. Mushrooms, I did. I remember we went to a party at Michigan and there was magic mushroom tea. And so you weren't even eating the mushrooms. To distinguish it from the more pedestrian. Yeah. Regular, just eating.

Food mushroom tea. Eating the actual mushrooms. These are not magic. They have no magic properties. We drank the tea at like, I don't know, midnight. It was a dumb idea. And then like four in the morning, I couldn't sleep. And another friend

of mine in our house was like i'm like are you freaking out right now he's like kind of i'm like let's take a walk start taking a walk and we ended up in michigan stadium 100 000 seats that was a mistake somehow we got in we just walked in i don't know how we got in we were out on the field that's not and i'm like that's illegal this is uh this is too big i was like this thing feels too big for me we're too small in here we're too small and i started freaking out i'm like i'm never gonna come back down again that was the part of it that i couldn't tolerate and that's the part if i when i ultimately have those conversations with my kids i'm gonna be like it's it's not fun to feel that out of control and you'll never i'll scare them into saying there are times you'll never come back.

I mean, that's what scared me at that moment. But the thing is that it does affect your brain chemistry. Forever. And I think that, you know, you can do the thing where you're like, don't do it, you'll die. Or you can say like, when you take these drugs, it affects the way your brain functions. And it will never function the same way again afterwards. Yeah. And if you do it enough times, you're going to break yourself.

You're going to break your brain. And that's true. I mean, especially the drugs that mess with your serotonin you don't make serotonin anymore so everyone's so happy on ecstasy and then for the next seven months

they're eating dirt out of their front like you know meridian strip trying to find them when will life mean something again if you do mushrooms

in Indianapolis something fun's going to happen yeah that's all I'm looking for it's a good time Noah Batts 24 and Timothy Bat bats 21 brothers

they're close though good friends they're buddies pleaded not guilty wednesday to a combined 17 charges including public neutery battery and resisting arrest this all stems from events at the lighthouse landings apartments no one moved into there thinking this was going to happen totally landlocked Indianapolis. Lighthouse landings apartments. When you think about Indianapolis, it's like the main of the Midwest. It's just lighthouses. If you go to Indianapolis,

you need to take the lighthouse tour. It's a tour of some of the most beautiful lighthouses. Windmills and lighthouses. I'm still stuck on Christian putting his dick into a vending machine. Blorp. I'm trying to come up with the right sound. Blorp. Blorp. Blorp.

Blorp. Okay. Yeah. This took place at the Lighthouse Landings apartment on Indy's south side Sunday. A Sunday afternoon at the Lighthouse Landings. It was from Saturday night. It was from Saturday. Let's mix it up, though.

It's Sunday. It's Sunday Funday. Let's make something happen. Right. It's too slow. We knew it was something beyond just being drunk or high. It was something heavy duty. Not a good batch of whatever he got said witness amy payton who's also telling people they're great not good who also recorded parts of the ordeal she recorded parts of the ordeal she's

like these guys are going to want to see this yeah according to court documents one neighbor came outside her apartment to find the men naked and on top of each other yelling at her, quote, look at us, look at us. That's fun. That's a Christmas card. Jason and I will not touch each other. We won't even hug each other on top of each other. No penis touching for you guys?

No penis touching? You come out of your apartment. Guys, your penises were touching for nine months. I suggest you get used to it. That's enough. That's plenty. That's plenty. Look at us. You walk out of your house

to get into your Chrysler Pacifica and there's two naked 20-year-old brothers on top of each other and they're like, look at us. Which, by the way,

is a great show. But then nothing after that, like, and this is what we're doing. Yeah. Just like a toddler who's like, I did it. Yeah.

I did it. I made a poo-poo, I did it. Yeah. I did it. I made a poo-poo. I love that sitcom. Look at us. It's not a sitcom. It's a drama on NBC. And I don't know why I know this,

but you know, there is a brother. Oh, see why? I'm sorry, guys. Do it. There is a twin brother porn team. No.

There's a twin brother porn team. Why? Yeah. And they do it with each other. No. And they a twin brother porn team. Why? Yeah, and they do it with each other. No. And they're really famous.

They're really, really famous. What are their names? I don't know. Blonde weirdos. They're the Batts brothers. Batts brothers. Batts brothers. This is the beginning of their career.

What if they're the Butts brothers? That was nice, though. I'll take it. The Batts brothers. We'll allow it. She just became like a comedy judge she's like i'll allow it uh and i i'm sorry because contextually i was just thinking about the bats brothers and i didn't want you guys to know that there were two twins were having sex

with each other but they are very very popular yeah yeah it's just because of the oddity of it right so there's this thing that's odd with just two brothers you know naked and intertwined and i get why they would say hey look at us look us. They didn't have the words to say, this is unusual, and you're probably not going to see it again in the future. This is an unusual configuration. And also, someone's like,

from the distance, they're like, there's already a twin brother duo. Guys, I've seen it. I've seen it on the internet. I don't need to see it again. But they're too far away from them to hear it. They're like, what?

Or it's just me on my phone. What? I'm looking at it. I'm looking at it now. There's already a twin brother duo. It's been done, guys. It does what? It does what? on my phone. What? I'm looking at it. I'm looking at it now. There's already a twin brother duo. It's been done, guys. It does what? It does what?

Look at us. It does what? Look at us. I bet they don't do this. I bet they don't do this. They did that. Actually, they do. They do a lot more than that.

What about this? I'll send you the URL, guys. I'll send you the link. What's going on here, guys? Are these the porn guys? No, they're just from the apartment. They're just from the apartment? They're not as good looking as those guys.

I would also like to tell all of our dumb people townie, all of our friends out there. I'm literally going to go with them right now. Please look it up. You do not need to tweet at us any sort of work of this. Don't send links. You know why? Because we can find them on our own.

Yep. We got them on our own. We already have it. Got them on our own. Jay, you're going to want that search in your phone yep the government is definitely not gonna is not gonna see anything on your phone until they repeal that law so you've got like six months as amy payton walked to her car she said that noah batts ran after her and punched her oh i am off of team bats they were playful and fun and then they turned into dicks just like your friend who went into the bathroom. I don't condone

any man hitting any woman. Period. I don't. Or anybody. But she did not look at them when they asked. They repeatedly asked.

I need your attention. Look at us. Look at us. Come on. Our dicks are touching. Why won't you look? Look at us. The dumb part of me,

this is the stuff. You don't even know. Jason's about to say That he doesn't know How to Google I don't want to watch Them do it But like This is the dumb part of me

Is like I want to read Some articles About these guys Like I want to read What kind of press They have The thing is

You don't want to They don't have press Like the only thing That come up Are their videos The thing about it is Look I'm going to images

It's wrong And it's probably illegal I'm going to images it's wrong and it's probably illegal although I guess they're both adults but you're curious you're curious don't lie that you're not curious not anymore

no I'll say this I'm not curious enough they're white they're white by the way the sound they're white

that was weird the sound of what you just heard was the sound of Jason seeing somebody cross a line. Yeah. I was like, oh.

And you can't unsee it, Jay. That's in your file. By the way, totally support gay rights. Now I'm Googling it because I'm so old. Totally. I do too.

I support it to the max. Of course. I support everything, what I just saw because they're brothers. It's just because they're brothers. That's the worst part of it. I will discriminate the shit out of them.

I love gay porn because there's no ladies in there messing up my view of all the dudes. I know. I like other stuff. You feel good about yourself. Yeah. But my point is,

it's terrible and it's not illegal but it does feel wrong but you are curious about it. They have cornered the market on twin, hot, gay, brother porn. I mean, yeah. That's a true statement.

That's a true statement. Are there any corners in that market? To me, it feels like a round room. I don't even think that these are the guys. I think there must be more than one set. So they don't have it cornered. Oh, no. That's not the same thing. There's more than one. So they punch her as she's going to her car,

which has got to be the most terrifying thing in the world. Again, difference between naked men running after women and naked women after running. She just wanted to run with the team. She just wanted to run with the team and start growling at some girls. He's got to go up and start. Oh, because he wasn't looked at.

The brothers are also accused of threatening to kill the apartment's complex assistant manager. They're really giving shrooms a bad name. That guy deserved to die. Let me just say that guy deserved to die. I feel like they must be friends with your buddy, the Jay Shear. Josh Spear.

Josh Spear. I like Jay Shear. She told police she went to tell other residents to stay away from the two men, and when she did, one brother began banging on her car and screaming, I'm going to kill you.

This has got to be more than shrooms. She also told police she saw the brothers grab onto each other's head and passionately begin making out with one another in front of the dumpster. You can't see me, but I am making

the biggest touchdown in the shape of life. She supports it 100%. Maybe this is the second time in this episode we have another origin story. Yeah. Yes.

If this was the Wonder Twins, if this was the Wonder Twins origin story. Oh oh they just go in with wonder twins powers activate look at us look at us form a dumb bro shape of a dumb bro several other neighbors told police the men had damaged their cars they're they're accused of breaking into several open vehicles, getting inside and damaging items and getting blood. This started, guys. So fun, so playful.

Let's not forget that this started with two brothers on a Sunday afternoon being like, what do you want to do today? You want to try shrooms? I don't know. I can't play any more World of Warcraft. So what do you want to try shrooms? I don't know.

Call of Duty, buddy. I don't have the new Call of Duty. I know so many people have done shrooms that you don't even leave your house. Your whole apartment becomes like an adventure. People on shrooms are friendly. They are. They are friendly.

They had to have done more. Active. It was shrooms cut with bath salts. Cut with bath salts. It is very bath salty. Bath salts cut with shrooms. Bath salts. It is bath salty.

You know, we ever bought that truffle salt? Yes. It was like all bath salts with an essence of shroom. Shroom truffles. Quote, it's frustrating, Amy Payton said. That's one way to put it. To get punched by a naked guy? She's got things under control.

She's not reacting with rage. Wait, it's frustrating to get punched by a naked guy? It's frustrating when you're trying to take a nap and somebody won't stop working outside. That's frustrating. It's frustrating when you're trying to go to sleep and the birds are too loud outside. It's frustrating when you're trying to scan your dick in a home theater and the scanner's not responding. Can't even get a laugh back. Right?

Can't even get one guy in the back with a laugh. It is terrifying to be punched by a naked guy on drugs. It's frustrating to continue to get junk mail when you've already unsubscribed from something. Right, right. It's frustrating. It's frustrating to get phone calls from, like, courtesy political groups. When you've already

put yourself on the do not call list. Chat dinner. Yeah. It is frustrating. It is more than frustrating to get punched by a naked guy. Amy Payton said,

it's not the type of neighborhood we live in. I beg to differ, Amy. It is now the type of neighborhood you live in. This defines your neighborhood. People always feel like, this kind of stuff

doesn't happen here. And you're like, this kind of stuff doesn't happen here. And you're like, this kind of stuff didn't happen here. It does now. It does now. A lot of us are working professionals,

so we all work hard for our stuff. And someone tripping out and going around dirty stuff is kind of frustrating. Then she even lowers it to kind of frustrating.

Is she the most forgiving aunt in the world? She's like, I don't want them. She needs to go into politics because she literally cannot be made reactive

no she's like a naked guy punched me in the face on the way to my car broke into cars and dirtied up dirty stuff

with their naked bums made out in front of the dumpster made out right in front of the dumpster it's so sort of frustrating I find it frustrating

and it just is no it's kind of frustrating she's like you know what I'm going to say it I'm a little upset I'm fine I'm peeved

it put a little wrinkle in my day the Batts brothers are due in court in May are we not going to decide their ages I told it

24 and 21 I was going to have you guess 24 and 21 that's right so mid 40s combined collectively 45 alright well as mentioned I was going to have you guess that. 24 and 21. That's right. So mid-40s combined. Collectively 45. All right.

Well, as mentioned, we do have a voicemail from the great... Oh, you don't want me to... You don't want to figure out which one I should do? No. Last week, the curtain was pulled up on the wizard. You're suspended, Dan. Oh, I'm suspended? Yeah, you're right. Get him off duty.

But hey, we should say, everybody who has already subscribed to the podcast, they got that directly in, so they got to hear that little peek behind the curtain. I know. But we actually have a voicemail this week from Chris Christopherson, and apparently he was supposed to be in the movie Going in Style, the reboot. Let's take a listen. Hey, boys. How's it going?

It's me, Chris Kirsteiferson. And look, here's the deal. There's a movie coming out called Going Out in Style. And it's got Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Alan Arkin. And here's the thing. I was supposed to be in that movie. I was officially cast. And I was supposed to take part in that old man love fest. When the thing is, is that they have my call time set at 8 o'clock.

But it's in my rider that I'm not supposed to report to set until at least 1230, and I need at least five days advance notice. So if you want me to be at set on Friday, you got to give me that call sheet on Monday, and it's got to be, I need like a 96 to 128-hour window. to be, I need like a 96 to 128 hour window. So needless to say, I did miss my call and I'm not in that movie, but here's the thing boys is that I pretty much already spent all the money that I thought I was going to be earning from that movie. I've got several investments. There's a shooting range just outside of Fontana that I was going to convert into a very large pool, like a 75-foot pool that I was just going to swim in and put rocks in. And I already spent that money. I already was going to convert a mini golf course just outside of Banger, Maine. I was going to convert that mini golf course into a giant coyote preserve in which humans could run around with coyotes and become

friends. Because if you can't befriend a coyote in America then what kind of country are we living in every human American should be able to lie down in bed and sleep with a coyote and not in a sexual way in a pure loving Christian way just lay next to a coyote and they're looking for that money from me because I already promised it to them so if you could you boys could help me out I need to be in that movie at least for like five to ten minutes if you could just I can I can record something on my iPhone and send it to you and just have them pop it in during the credit test part of the gag reel because everybody loves a Chris Christopherson gag reel.

All right. You know, Chris Christopherson bloopers where my pants fall down. You know, you get it. All right, bye. All right. I feel for Chris Christopherson. But when you get a call time, he was trying to talk about how it was. Whatever.

Look, you get a call time. Do you worry about him? Do I worry about Chris Christopherson? No. He's one of those guys that i feel like always lands on his feet even if it's in a dumpster exactly right am i right to say that he's like a dumpster cat he'll always land on his feet in a dumpster dumpster when those kids were making out he was catching some z's so much nakedness in this episode thank you for for doing it with us. Aisha Tyler. You're emotionally naked to do this with us. I bear all when I come to you.

You bore all. I can say that before today. But I always wear a jog bra. Yeah, I was going to say, before today, I'd never thought about what it would be like for a woman's breast to run naked. And now I know it's terrible. So uncomfortable. Yeah, painful, right?

So uncomfortable. Just think like if your testicles were the size of grapefruits. And sitting on your chest and then run around I don't like that that sounds horrible

horrible Aisha Tyler thank you for joining us on this week's Dumb People Town you have an open invite you have an open invite this is so in your

wheelhouse I love you guys and you know I love nothing more than riffing and talking shit I do regret coming here but it's not because of you that's for a different reason

because I've got to erase my Google search yeah but you'll just talk about it all I love nothing more than riffing and talking shit. I do regret coming here, but it's not because of you. That's fair. That's for a different reason. Because I've got to erase my Google search. Yeah, but you'll just talk about it all in therapy. She won't talk to you. She won't look at you. And everybody needs to go find out the film festival

around you or when it comes out widely for the OC access. Just follow me, Ash Tyler, on any of your preferred social and the movie premieres

in April. Follow at Daniel Van Kirk and we'll be back next week with more Dumb People Town. Thank you. Listen, rate, subscribe. Do it all. We love you guys.