Dumb People Town - Alison Haislip - Bottom Feeders

Episode Date: February 5, 2019

Alison Haislip joins the show this week! In Story 1, a man slips down a grease vent at a Chinese restaurant.  Story 2 is the tale of a Florida wedding reception that results in a stabbing, a balcony fall, and more. Story 3 brings us edible butthole chocolates.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population Hazel. How are you? I'm great. Thank you for joining us. You guys have that intro like really off solid. Well, when we do it live, Alison Hazelip, we do, it is great to hear the audience shout it back to us like we're doing some really dumb. Wheel of Fortune? That makes sense.

Wheel of Fortune. Dumb people. I love it so much. So we've sort of done that and I guess in a weird way. It's almost like when you are a comedian and you're standing on stage and you're like, so I recently got married and everyone's like, yeah.

So we basically created my sister. That was a great twist. She's pregnant. Yeah. Someone else's baby. Who she stole the sperm from a sperm egg. No! But the sperm egg had done a lot of bad things.

Yay! Now we're doing Zach Martinez. It's so funny. So on this show, as you know, as we were explaining to you, we are trying to fight this tidal wave, this tsunami of dumb that is seemingly washing over all of us, right? Yeah. And it's not even that we're the smartest people in the room.

We aren't. We just know what dumb is, and we know that people who are dumb are somehow prouder about it. Right, Dan? I think we were talking about that. They're louder. It's like a badge of honor. Right.

It's like the world is a shitty motel room, and we have just come in with a blacklight. Oh, oh. And some luminol. And we're just kind of proud of black light oh oh and some luminol and we're just gonna proud of what they did on that night how did it get there I don't know get off the bedspread

alright so get off the bedspread is a very good sort of mantra for you to have in your mind as you listen

get off the bedspread as we listen to a story Dan we get stories sent to us from our great fans and Dan what do we have this was sent in by Pork Rhyne oh yes R-I-N-E to a story. Dan, we get stories sent to us from our great fans. And Dan, what do we have?

This was sent in by Pork Rhyne. Oh, yes. R-Y-N-E. Pork Rhyne. It's the classy version. Yeah. The Rhyne River. The Rhyne River.

At Rhyne underscore 209. Probably wrapping an area code. Maybe. Yeah. At Rhyne. I've been known to rock an 815. What area code is that? Northern Illinois. We're 314. St. Maybe. Yeah. At Ryan. I've been known to rock an 815. You have been. What area code is that? Northern Illinois.

We're 314. St. Louis, baby. Nice. That was like my favorite. Also, would you like to chime in with your hometown area code? Yeah, it was 908. 908. New Jersey.

Okay. Yeah. But actually, it started as something else. It got changed into 908 because New Jersey grew so much when I was a kid. Was it 203? 203, yes. When did this become a ludicrous song? Yeah.

707, 404. A matter of fact, 314. Does it blow your mind when you drive through small towns now and they still only have telephone numbers that don't have an area code? What? Yeah, like you should already know the area code. That's how my hometown was forever. They recently started having to do 815.

612, you're like, that doesn't work. If I put that in my phone, I'm going to call someone. I'm missing digits. 5549. You just go 562. There's still so many numbers I remember from being a kid. So my phone now at home, my actual phone, just because we changed service button, I can't even do that.

You have to dial one and then the area code. And my own area code just to do that. It's like the hardest thing to get used to. I can't believe you have a landline. That's the bigger issue. All right, let's continue on. Don't look at the bedspread. Stop looking at the bedspread in my life.

No one can say with certainty why the man decided to climb onto the roof of the Chinese restaurant, strip off his bulky jacket. What? Why do you got to talk about his jacket? It's a little bulky. It's a husky jacket.

It's a little bulky. He should have known better. Strip off his bulky jacket and slide. By the way, strip off is different than just taking it off. Strip off is way sexier. Like you've peeled it off of something. He's burlesquing it. Definitely he's sparring it.

He's doing the saxophone himself. Or I will accept if he was soaking wet. I feel like that is also stripping off of something. That can also then become a peel. Oh, yes. You've got to peel it off. I'm so good looking. I'm on a Chinese restaurant.

He's like... do you remember Long Kiss Goodnight? The movie Long Kiss Goodnight? Samuel L. Jackson character sings everything he's going to do so he doesn't forget. He's like, da-da-da-da-da. Gotta get my shoes. Something drunk people do. He's doing that now

in Capital One. A lot of proclaiming and drunkenness. I gotta get my shoes. Stripped off his bulky jacket and People do. He's doing that now in Capital One. A lot of proclaiming and drunkenness. I gotta get my shit. I just gotta do this. Stripped off his bulky jacket and slid down the grease vent wearing only a thin t-shirt. Bulky jacket, thin t-shirt. Yeah. Not standard t-shirt.

Thin. Descriptions. I like this. The grease vent. Why? Isn't that a cake song? Why? Exactly. No one knows what.

I want a girl with a bulky jacket and a thin t-shirt. Sergeant Ray Kelly, a public information officer. That's a sergeant's name. Ray Kelly. When he was four. He could be nothing but a sergeant. A public information officer for the Alameda County. Ray Kelly shakes your hand too hard.

I'm talking like kids and everybody. When Ray Kelly was six, he was getting too old for this shit. You know what I'm saying? Black. Take my coffee. Black. You're seven, Ray. I'm learning my numbers.

He's only ever smiled in the family Christmas card, and that's because he was forced to. It was just a – No teeth. It could only be described as a wham. Or a grimace. A grimace. Yeah. He's a public information officer with the Alameda County Sheriff's Office.

He told NPR that the man has been, quote, less than truthful about his true intentions. No. What is he trying to do? What is happening? But the objective seems straightforward enough. Quote, he's a pretty slender guy, and based on the viscosity of the walls, coupled with the fact that he took off his clothes,

he probably thought he was going to slide right down, Ray Kelly said. Something tells me he didn't. It seemed like a solid plan until he got stuck. Okay, why can't this be Slender Man? I'm going to show you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, instead of like.

Screw the actual Slender Man. Kids trying to kill other kids. Kids, yeah. Let Slender Man be like kids trying to slide down into Chinese restaurants. Right. I'm going to show you guys a picture of this. Of him stuck in the vent. I actually think I heard about this story

here we go intense look at him he is that's a shot from the roof yeah that's looking down I thought this was a deleted scene from Shawshank Redemption oh my god

he climbs through a river of grease to come out and just get reaped tiny Andy Dufresne Dufresne did not make it redemption. Oh my god. He climbs through a river of grease to come out and just get reaped. Tiny Andy Dufresne. Yeah. Thin Andy Dufresne. Dufresne did not make it this time. It turned out it wasn't a straight drop from the roof to the floor. After making it about five feet down the

sheet, the five foot nine inch man hit a turn in the vent forcing him to into a semi crouched position with his arms reaching up. Oh, this is making me so claustrophobic. Mobilized over his head. Are you claustrophobic?

Yes, I totally am. So, Dan, I'm going to call this guy General So Stupid. Oh, brilliant. Folks, that's Clark Brothers. Send all of your compliments. Yeah. Wow. So, he didn't realize that there's going to be a turn in the vent.

I am claustrophobic. Dude never watched Toy Story. Toy Story 2 where they climb up in the vent and they make a turn. Oh, right. And then also he didn't think about if you can't go all the way down, there's no way for you to get back up. Yeah. I assume he wanted to rob the Chinese food restaurant.

Maybe. Why else would you try to get in there? Maybe he wanted to. But then he could have just walked out the front door. Yeah. I mean, did he... I assume he wanted to rob the Chinese food restaurant. Why else would you try to get in there? But then he could have just walked out the front door. Right. You guys want to guess how many days he was stuck in this? Oh, no. Multiple days? Oh, my God. Allison, you're a guest. You want to go first, take your third? Oh, shit.

You can go in between us or first? No, I'll guess first. I'm going to guess three days. Three days. Jerry ran. Okay. He was there for only two days. Okay. I'm going to say three days. Three days. Jerry ran. He was there for only two days. Okay. I'm going to say he was there for a week. One of you is exactly right. Oh!

Allison, would you like to go first, take your third on guessing who's right? Who do you think is exactly right? You said two days. I said three days. I said two, and I said a week. Who do you think is right? I'm going to say me. Okay.

Because why not? Bet on yourself. Bet on yourself. I always bet on myself, but I think she's right. I think Jason's right. Two days. The amount of time he was stuck in the vent was two days.

Why do I believe in myself? I believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Trapped and unable to move in any direction, he started calling out for help. As one does. Help! Should he use Chinese? His desperate cries were muffled in the layers of

rancid oil that surrounded him until Wednesday morning when he was discovered by the owner of a neighboring business. Oh my gosh, the Chinese restaurant didn't even discover him. No. I kept hearing this, uh, uh, and I'm like, who can it be?

Said Igor Campos, who is already my friend. Yes, Igor. Igor Campos. Where in the United States did this take place? Are we not supposed to know that yet? It took place in the Ukraine. No, San Lorenzo, California. Oh, it's in California.

Igor Campos. Igor took place in the Ukraine. No, San Lorenzo, California. Oh, it's in California? The Alameda County Sheriff. Igor Campos. Yes. Igor Campos is the best. He owns Campos Tax Service in San Lorenzo, California. Really? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I love Campos.

If I heard someone just going, uh, uh, I'd be like, is Puff Daddy stuck in the air vent right next door to me? Campos explained that the unrelenting noise finally piqued his curiosity and he set out to find the source. How long do you have to go at an introverted accountant before they finally will break out of their personal

bubble to come find out what you're doing? Because I'll go on a first, I'm like, what? Maybe it was like water torture. Like that just slow, like, I can handle this and then you hear it for too long and you're like, I'm going to lose my mind. I think people, it takes people a while to understand what's going on. So I was at dinner, I was sitting at the dinner table with my family last night. And we were playing a record that was playing in the other room that was playing the thing.

And my daughter went onto my watch, which is connected to my phone. Of course, and I had been playing music in the car off through my phone. And she started playing, just was kind of messing around with my phone and my watch, and I wasn't even paying attention. She started playing a song from my phone, which was in the kitchen as well. And it took me so long to be like, why is there a man's voice on this woman's record and I've never heard this before? Is it just because we're hearing it differently in another speaker? I didn't question it for so long. No, it's like when you pocket dial

someone by mistake on the phone and you don't realize and you hear like, hello? Yeah. You're like, who's saying that? And you don't even think to look that, oh, I started this. Yeah, it's worse with women in purses too because then you're you're, like, looking around at other people because the purse isn't, like, on your body. Right. And you blame them.

What's your purse doing? Your phone's on. Your phone's on, sir. Yeah. Oh, it's mine. I was once on a flight, and it was right before we took off, and the guy sitting next to me had already fallen asleep. And we're sitting there, like, taxiing out to the runway, and all of a sudden I'm like, what? There's someone's alarm clock is going off, I'm like is no one hearing this and then I realized

it was the guy's phone in his pocket but he was dead asleep and I had to like wake him up to be like your alarm clock is going off like morning friend good morning exactly was that your intention was your alarm to go off and you have someone else wake you up exactly am I your wake-up call so Igor explained that the unrelenting noise finally piqued his curiosity. He set out to find the source. Ray Kelly told NPR that Igor eventually walked around the backside of the low-slung building

until he was near the shuttered Chinese restaurant. And that's when he figured out there was a man trapped inside the ventilation shaft through the roof. So I think this restaurant is closed. Or are they just not doing breakfast service? Two days? Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah, like they weren't opening the evenings. So the thing that I now have been

showing my oldest daughter is the Mighty Boosh crimps. You know the Mighty Boosh? Oh yeah. It's a great show. So like Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett would do these just, they'd be taught taught to me it was the most fun thing as a part of a comedy team it's like they just break into something out of nothing so they'll just be talking and i mean he said he comes in julian barrett is like so did this doctor person ring me and noel field is like no yeah like she would ring you and he's like you're right i'm i'm an idiot. She would never ring me because I'm just so dumb.

And he's like, well, there could be lots of reasons that, you know, she wouldn't ring you. I mean, she could have been trapped in a cabinet. Oh, no. And he's like, no, people don't get trapped in cabinets. And Nolte is like, yeah, lots of people get trapped in cabinets. Doctors, lawyers. Haven't you seen that show? Captain Cabinets.

Captain Cabinets. Willie get out. Can I get out? They do this whole thing. Oh, my gosh. So he's basically trapped in a cabinet. And I show it to my daughter and they love it so much. Trapped in a vent.

As Igor called 911, he tried to find out the identity of the man in the vent. I kept asking questions like, what's your name? Campos said. And he said, just please help me. Please don't hurt me. I said, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to help you with your taxes.

I'm joking. Igor's on it. Every opportunity is a business opportunity. Can you file me as a dependent? How many 1099s do you have? Let's just get into your expenses. Igor said, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to help you.

Getting the stuck man out proved to be fairly complicated. Of course. Because now grease is rancid. I'm just picturing his shoulders getting dislocated. I know. But his arms were up. Above his head. For two days.

For two days. I'm holding my arms up right now. How are you doing? I'm tired. Yeah. This two days. I'm holding my arms up right now. How are you doing? I'm tired. Yeah. This is awful. The fire department had, quote, the fire department had to figure out a plan of attack to get him out. We couldn't reverse course and pull him back up.

Why? Because the chute had sharp edges that would have cut him. Oh, no. It's like those tire things. Yes. You can't go in reverse. Right. I've done that before. Plus, he was covered those tire things. Yes. You can't go in reverse. Right. I've done that before.

Plus, he was covered head to toe in grease. So he's just going to slip off whatever you- It was like he had been dipped in oil, and we didn't want to yank him up and have him slide back down. Jesus. You know what? At some point, I'd be like, Sarge, do we just leave him? Oh, God. You live there now. We'll bring you God. I mean. You live there now.

We'll bring you food and water, but you live there now. In the end, firefighters. We bought a Chinese restaurant. Had to dismantle the steel ducting. Of course they had to dismantle it. The weather and position of his body and the condition of the greasy vent had been brutal on the man. Yeah, he's outside still kind of. Given another day, there's a good chance he may not have made it.

He might not have survived much longer. Oh, see, if I was right, this guy was screwed. Gone. If I was right, what, a week? A week. This guy's what they're serving inside of the crab rangoon. When the firefighters pulled him off, the man was dehydrated, exhausted, cold, and confused. But getting $1,200 back on his taxes.

That's so nice. Thank God I did my estimates. Also, because his arms had been forced over his head and he was in a squat for such a long time, his limbs had gone numb. Of course. He was just an active torso and a head at that point. Oh, my God.

I feel a lot of the time. Kind of like the Ballad of Buster Scruggs. I haven't watched it yet. What? I know. I haven't either, so I was Buster Scruggs. That's right. I haven't watched it yet. What? I know. I haven't either, so I was like, what does that mean? What's wrong with us? Somebody out there has.

No, I'm sure. He was transferred to a local hospital as quickly as they could get him into an ambulance. As of Thursday, Ray Kelly. Ray Kelly. I mean, that is a character from The Wire or something, isn't it? Just crushes everybody on their hands. Said the man is expected to make a full recovery. I'm going to show you guys a picture. Except for his pride. Yeah., isn't it? Just crushes every bone in your hand. So the man is expected to make a full recovery. I'm going to show you guys a picture.

Except for his pride. Yeah. What was he doing? Why was he trying to get in there? This is what he looked like going into the ambulance. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, this poor dude. Look at him. He looks like a burnt Barbie doll. Yeah. Dan, is he white? He's white. I don't know.

Let me see. He's in pain. He looks like the David Cross character in, you know, Metallica or Titanic. Titanic. Yeah. Sketch. Oh, my. He's all cleaned up and rehydrated, said Ray Kelly.

They keep saying just Kelly, but I feel like I have to say this. Ray Kelly. Ray Kelly. Sergeant Ray Kelly. Yeah, Ray Kelly. Noting that it must have taken hours. Isn't that a Liam Schreiber character? He comes in and fixes things?

That's Ray Donovan. Do you call it Dan-o-vin? I think it's Donovan. You guys don't custom stuff for your own life? Oh, yeah. Is that the way you get away with mispronouncing words? Ray Dan-o-vin. You guys have never seen Randy Donovan?

All right. Fine. I call you Dandy sometimes. You do. Yeah. And dancing. So they cleaned him up and they got his limbs

working again. Yeah. But they said it must have taken hours to rid the man of the quote horrible smell. As for criminal charges. That had nothing to do

with the vent. That was just the guy himself. He came in with that. He's going to continue to dry heat through this entire podcast. As for criminal charges,

there aren't any for now. But what was he doing and why was he? I think Allison's right. Why was the Chinese restaurant closed, though? If it was closed, why are you breaking in? Yeah, you're at least getting breaking in, like a legal trespass. Our friend, there was a girl who went to grade school with, Sandra Kang, and then she midway in fifth grade changed her name to Kathy Kang. No, she was Kathy Kang at first and then she changed her

name to Sandra Kang. And we were like, I just remember being at that point like can you do that? Is that something you can change your name? To me it was so mind-blowing. Her family had a Chinese restaurant that we would always go to that Jason and I saw Keith Hernandez, baseball player for the Cardinals, there.

Keith Hernandez of Seinfeld Cardinals there. Keith Hernandez of Seinfeld fame. Seinfeld fame and it was like almost played out like the exact same scene where you know Elaine goes over

to get his autograph and she's nervous to go over there. Same thing kind of happened to us before this like in the 80s but they had a

Chinese restaurant that we would always eat at called Peeking In. Peeking In. Peeking In. Peeking In. Maybe that's all

he was doing. He was just peaking in. That's all he was doing. He just wanted peeking in. That's all he was doing. He just wanted to get a little peek. Well, I love they say there's no criminal charges for now. Quote, we know sometimes suspects try to break into businesses to steal copper wire and plumbing and recycling for money. This is totally the wire. They do that on the wire.

This appears to be something along those lines. But not every solution is jail, Ray Kelly said, adding that the police report has been filed and that he may be charged at a later time. But, this is from Ray Kelly, we decided to be a little compassionate. We figured he's been through enough and it is in the holiday spirit. This happened like right before. We did force him to watch the movie Grease. Oh, gosh. See, Ray Kelly is a very just officer.

He's a very by the books. He's a measured man. Sometimes you got to show compassion. I'm going to ask you as we get out of this. How old do you think this man was? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price Who is gonna get it right?

Guess the age, guess the age We've already had one correct guess. Right, right. Which I didn't believe I had. I know. You saw the picture of him. How do we think he is? Now, what do we know?

He survived two days without food or water. Yeah. His arms and legs, he could not move. He's thin. He likes bulky jackets and thin t-shirts. Bulky jacket and thin t-shirt. Bulky jacket. Bulky jacket feels like an older man. Does it?

Thin t-shirt feels like a younger man. So he's got us all crossed up. This guy, yeah. He's an enigma. So what do you think? Do you want to go first, Tig, or third? I'll go third. Okay. Jay or Ran? Jay. He's an enigma. So what do you think? Do you want to go first, Tig, or third? I'll go third. Okay. Jay or Ran? Jay.

He's 33. 33. Year of the Lord. I think he's 27. 27 from Randy's clip. I'm going even younger. I was going to say 24. 24?

Yeah. Okay, Tondi, get your answers in now because we're going to close out the first story on this. The man in the grease trap who literally was story on this. The man in the grease trap who literally was that for two days. The man in the grease trap. Sounds like a noir film. Yeah.

Why must I be a man in a grease trap? Just kept hitting that uh until Igor Compost came and saved his ass. Yeah, he's the real hero of this story.

He is the real hero. You should use Igor Compost Compost Tax Services If you are in this area and you I want fans of this show and you live in this area, please send us an ad. We'll post it on the Facebook page and we'll post a picture of this.

I mean, you know that Igor is running ads and being like, I'll help you out of a slippery situation. Yes! Igor! I mean, if he's not, he better. He's better. Stuck in a vent on your taxes? I can get you out.

All right. Here we go. Get chances in now, Tony, because the man is 29 years old. Oh, me. With the pause. With the pause. I thought Allison had it. It's me.

There you go. What a great story to start off with. And I feel like it didn't stick us at all. We got in and out of that thing. Unlike our man. What's his name? You off with. And I feel like it didn't stick us at all. We got in and out of that thing. Unlike our man. What's his name? You have to say his name.

I didn't say his name. He's just a thing. It's probably better for him. Probably Trent. Trent. Trent sounds like a guy who gets stuck in a vent. Trent in a vent. Trent in a vent. It's like the elf on the shelf.

All right. Let's take a break. Alison Hayslip is with us. And this is Dumb People Town. We got more dumbness for you right after this. Stick around. Make us down

for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Hello, hello. We have Allison Hayslip here. She has a fantastic podcast called The Half Hour Happy Hour Ladies Night.

Ladies Night. Please subscribe to that. It's super fun and super political. Kidding. It's not. It's not at all. Not at all. Not in the least.

We talk about, when I was asked to come on this podcast, I was like, wait, our podcast talks about dumb shit too. So there you go. But you guys are far more specific. We are very general. We're like, aw, spiders. Let's talk about creepy-ass spiders or whatever. This is like a hand-in-hand podcast.

If you like this, then you will probably enjoy their podcast. So please check it out. Subscribe to it. Because ours also involves booze. Oh, yes. You're drinking as you're doing. Yes, we have a drink while we do this. Oh, I like that.

Are they themed or specific or just whatever? We tried doing that when we first started the podcast, and then it just became too much work. So now it's just like, what do we feel like today? All the corona. Great. I love that. I love that. And you're going to be on the newest season or next little run of Superstore.

Yes. Which we won't talk about what it is. No, I can't. You're a good friend of mine, and it's a really great show. It's a very good show. So listen. It's like one of the best workplace ensembles on television right now. And so watch that show, and you'll see her pop up, and you'll say, I heard her on this

day. I heard her when. All right, Dan, should we jump into, oh, wait, should we mention things that we have going on? We'll do that later. Yeah, well, let's read some names. Let's read some names. Of the people who have been helping be paid.

Who are on the drip, and then we're soon going to switch that to Patreon. Guys, we're working on that and figuring out the easiest way. The reason it's taking a little time is we want to find the easiest way so that it is as pain-free as it possibly can be for you. All right, you ready? You ready for this? Angela Blyphus. Blyphus? Blyphus?

Blyphus. Blyphus. Blyphus. I mean, don't go with me. Don't go with Dan. I'm usually wrong. Dan, you are usually wrong, but I don't know. For some reason, Bleyfus sounds like another name that they were going to name John Belushi's character in Animal House.

There you go. Could have been Blutowski or could have been Bleyfus. Angela Bleyfus. Thank you. How about Donnell Johnson? Donnell Johnson. Donnell. Great.

Five-star recruit out of Donnell Johnson. Five-star recruit for our podcast. Laura Clemens.. Laura Clemens. Not Laura Clemens. If you call her Laura, we're going to come to your house. I'm going to step to you hard. It's Laura, right, Dan? Yes.

Dan, I want you to try this next one. Can I do the one after? No. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'm pretty sure I can do the one after. Okay. I got it.

Claire? It feels like it should be hyphenated. Yeah. And I love you, Claire. I'm just going to try. Davislavakia. I think it's Davislovakia, which, by the way, I can't believe. Davislavakia?

Davislovakia? Davislavakia? Didn't that country separate from another country? It's separated from Yugoslavia. Come on down to Davislovakia. Davislavakia. Davis-Slovakia. How about Brian Brown? That's the one I was going to get you.

Brian Brown. Brian Brown, stepping hard. This next dude is... Pillar of the community, Brian Brown. Pillar of the community. This next dude tweets at us all the time. He is so funny. He's a really cool guy.

You love him from his books. I mean, my man, Vinny Hardy. Vinny Hardy. One of the Hardy boys. He's one of them Hardy boys. Okay, Dan, this next one's yours, too. Ted Fraunfelder. Ted Fraunfelder here.

You know, when there's somebody... I am wearing my brown suit. It's Ted Fraunfelder. Fraunfelder. When he calls up with a complaint, he introduces himself. They do not... This is Ted Fraunfelder. Full name.

Ted Fraunfelder here. Listen. I've got two complaints. You're going to listen to the first one, and you're going to fix the second one. First one's got nothing to do with you. I'm mad at my wife for breathing so hard in the car. It's just something I need to get off my chest, but it'll make sense after you hear them both. Second one, you're going to do something about it.

Now, I came in there about a week ago. I do not remember which day. Do not ask me. Carly Newring. Jessica Maddy Key. Oh, the Maddy Key. Carlos Oliveira.

Oliveira Street. I put the Oliveira sauce on all of my... You gotta put it on. Spicy. Another true local, Chris Lund. Chris Lund, my man. Thanks, buddy. How about Lexi Lexington? I know. The Lexi Lexingtons.

Lexi Lexington, we see you out there with that BA name of yours. Oh, yeah, baby. You rocking the double X. Double X. Nick Rogers, thank you. This one, TK Tram. TK Tram. TK Tram.

TK Tram. Or is it TK Tram? I feel like it should follow and the something. TK Tram. TK Tram. TK Tram. TK Tram. Or is it TK Tram? I feel like it should follow and the something. TK Tram and the... TK Tram and the Jets. Yeah. Right? TK Tram and the Jets.

That's a great horn outfit. Jennifer Stevens just sounds like everybody's ex-girlfriend. Jennifer Stevens. Just the name. Just the name alone. I dated Jennifer Stevens for six months. It's not an indictment of hers. She's probably somebody...

I thought we were dating for six months. Right. She will talk about that period as she was dating other people. When did you live in San Diego? When I was dating Jennifer Stevens. Corey Shoup. Shoup-a-doop. Shoup-a-doop.

Okay. Shoup-a-doop. Man or woman. Man or woman. Let's put Corey Shoup, who is a pillar of the community. You make me want to. Shoup. Shoup-a-doop.

So far, we're at two. What do you put the over under the amount of times people sing that song to him? Or her. Or her. You make me want to shoot. My guess is this person hates both salt and pepper. Do they also get a no shoot for you?

No shoot for you, definitely. Shoot plantation. Can I please do this next woman? I want to like place her up on a pedestal Patricia Ann

Austin the third the third city council member Patricia Ann Austin the third

PAA PAA thank you thank you Corey Shoop Shoop a dupe thank you

Brian Brown thank you to everybody on this list really TK Tram Jessica Maddy Key we really appreciate all you guys for supporting this show. We love reading your names because we love each and every one of you, and your support in this show allows us to do what we do.

And if you're hearing people's names being read and you're saying to yourself, I'd like my name to be read, easy way to do it. Go to d.rip slash dpt right now. Soon it will be switching over to Patreon. But get on this. It's a way to get extra content. It's a way to get access to us when we do live shows and hang with us and all that other stuff.

All the levels are well-defined there. And let's get back to the show. All right. Thanks, everybody. Thank you to those people. Let's jump into another story, and then we'll talk about where people can see us. Awesome.

Here we go. Sent in by Christopher Makowski, M-A-L-C-O-S-K-Y. Definitely sounds like an officer. Also an officer. I was going to say, he's cousins with Ray Kelly. South side of Chicago. McCloskey.

McCloskey. At Crunchyroll. R-O-L-E. Roll. Crunchyroll. I would love a Crunchyroll right now. This wasn't in The Invitation. Oh, Jesus.

Stop trying to make it dramatic. I already don't like the writer. The journalist is a prick. You can tell the journalist loves 2020. I'm not trying to insert myself into this story. Loves like Forensic Files or First 48. I want this to be a theme party of some sort. Hampton's bit. Hampton's bit.

Hampton Yunt's bit. We just did a, we did, he featured for us down at Huntington Beach. Huntington Beach at the Rec Room, which was a blast. His bit about news using nursery rhymes as their sing-songy intro to a story and then veering off is the, you know, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger in your neighborhood. A local zoo in San Diego said that a tiger escaped from the, what, what? Why are we being so sing-songy about it?

I love that. And then he takes it so far and so dark and challenges the audience so much. I love it. Anton Young, great comic.

Great comic. A friend of this show. He's done it. A December 15th wedding. Weird for a wedding. My parents' anniversary is on December 27th and it's

which I'm like why would you get married so close to Christmas? But, you know, they got married when they were very young, and so it was easier and less expensive because all the family was already together. Ah. That's a consideration. Yeah, there you go. A December 15th wedding reception at a Key West restaurant

ended with a groom stabbed in the thigh. Oh! In the thigh! ended with a groom stabbed in the thigh. Oh! In the thigh. We're staying away again in Margaritaville. This doesn't seem very fun. Key West.

Key West at a restaurant. Hey, where do you want to get married, babe? Key West restaurant. Apple Beast. Key West. Let's do it. I'd go to that. Chili's.

Danny would love that way. I used to work at a cheesecake factory here in Los Angeles. Actually, I worked at two cheesecakes. Which ones? The one in Sherman Oaks? Hang on. I so wanted you to actually work at a factory that made cheesecakes. No, I mean the restaurant.

Okay, good. The Grove? I worked at the one in the Grove, but I also worked at the one in Marina Del Rey, which is like the quote-unquote fancy cheesecake factory. Yeah, it is. And people used to get engaged there. No. And I would be like, if my boyfriend ever proposed to me at a fucking Cheesecake Factory, I would stab him in the thigh.

Maybe this is what happened. Maybe this is what happened. She's like, I wanted to do this at a Coco's and you made me do this at Bristol's. Baker Square. And you made me do this. Bristol's. Baker Square. Claimed.

I love a good, like, ruined wedding story, as listeners of this show know. Dan loves that. It's because there's so much that's supposed to go right at a wedding that when something goes way wrong, I find it endlessly entertaining. Hang on a second. The herb sprigs are not perfectly placed inside of the, so like that can be an issue. My lifetime is ruined. I know. I don't get to be the princess that I wanted to be. Or prince.

December 15th wedding reception at a Key West restaurant ended with the groom stabbed in the thigh, a knife-wielding groomsman falling off a balcony, one person fainting, and several people shouting when police arrived. What? This wedding had it all. Jason hates when people faint in movies and just fall direct. Oh, yes.

Fall direct. I hate it. If you faint, have you ever fainted? I have never fainted, but you faint like you crumble. You crumble. Or like the kid in the spelling bee who fell down and fainted. He kind of fall to the side and then he got back up and spelled the word right.

That was one of the greatest sports moments of all time. Of all time. Did that win an ESPY? Sports moment. I think it did. It really was amazing. But yeah, you crumble or you fall to the side. You don't like get stiff as a board and then just like fall.

It's not like a moment of paralysis. You also never say, you also never wake up right away and say, I can't believe I fainted. You have no clue what just happened. What about the news, there was a newsman who, or like a weatherman or something who was, who called it. He was like, I'm going to faint. I'm going to faint. I'm about to faint.

And then he just collapses and you're like, oh shit, He's the Tony Romo of calling his own fainting. He knows. He knows. Romo, is he right? He is, man. I want that guy to call my life. I do. What am I about to do?

You're so right, Tony Romo. I want him to open up a Tony Romo's ribs. Not Tony Roma's ribs. Tony Romo's ribs. And compete with him. And they don't even ask you your order. They just guess it and they get it right. They can tell by your seating formation

what you're going to want. I'm going to tweet that right now. Knife-wielding groomsmen falling off a balcony. A groom who was stabbed. A person fainting and several people shouting when police arrived according to an incident report. Next sentence, no one has been arrested. Whoa.

The only suspect. Because Ray Kelly's cousin was like, you know what? It's your wedding day. I'll have compassion. Right. The only suspect, groomsman Giovanni Arredondo. Yep. Giovanni Arredondo.

Hey. Sounds like he's from Jersey. The only suspect, groomsman Giovanni Arredondo of Scottsdale, Arizona. Please tell me his tuxedo did not have sleeves. Well, it did

and then he lost the deposit. Of Scottsdale, Arizona. So you know it's a fun wedding when it's in Florida and you're bringing people from Arizona.

Could have been in Scottsdale. Scottsdale's a great and beautiful place My friend from college is getting married in Scottsdale later this year. I'll be there. At a claim jumper? Yeah.'s a great and beautiful place to have a wedding. My friend from college is getting married in Scottsdale later this year. I'll be there.

At a clam jumper? Yeah. At a cheesecake factory. Yeah. Good to know. Good to know. The groomsman, Johnny, whatever his name is, Giovanni, was airlifted with a possible head injury to Miami's Ryder Trauma Center.

He's going to be fine. At Jackson Memorial Hospital. The groom, Nicholas Carmago, and this is great, of Crestview, Florida, didn't want to pursue criminal charges, but detectives said, Arundando needs to be arrested for other things aside from the stabbing.

He's got a couple of heads in a duffel bag. Ray Kelly is not being compassionate on this one. I'm going to guess illegal drug use after the blood test at the hospital. I'm going to throw in child trafficking. Oh, why not? Never know.

Ardondo committed criminal mischief, disorderly conduct, and I love this. I've never seen this. Improper exhibition of a dangerous weapon. Look at this. He's showing that. That's not the way you do that. Get in the goddamn cop car. Look at this He's showing that That's not the way you do that Get in the goddamn cop car Look at this

My laugh was like so stilted Because I had to process it so many times Improper exhibition of a weapon No of a dangerous weapon You don't show a naked knife to children Right Do not do that I have no idea I guess it's just

being like a knife in and of itself makes it a dangerous weapon. Also, is there a difference between a dangerous weapon and a weapon? Do you need, aren't all weapons by definition dangerous? Yeah, that's a good call too. According to the NRA, why are you so political? Sorry guys. Just like her podcast.

Jesus. Just kidding. No, it is not. Like where do num chucks fall in? Do you call them num chucks? This is years. Yes, I'm always going to call them num chucks. They're actually pronounced nun. Yeah, nun chucks.

I understand that. I've called them num chucks. I am with you, but I had to learn. Okay, are you guys doing N-U-M or N-U-M-B? N-U-M. N-U-M. Not num chucks, like you get hit by them and you go numb. No, no, no.

I just thought it was, that's how you said it. I'm going to chuck this thing and make you numb. Have become. Numb-inducing chucks. Comfortably numb chucks. Numb. Numb. Numb.

All right. Like Gidget the Flying Nun. Thank you. Chucks. No, that is Gidget the Flying Numb. Oh, crap. My childhood is ruined. Sister Act 2, there was about a bunch of notes.

Quote, this case does not meet the criteria for aggravated battery because there was no intent by the suspect. So they're saying he didn't try. He didn't try to hurt anyone? He was like, let me put this down here. Let me stick it in the table. Here, give me your thigh. My guess is. Your thigh is going to stab this knife.

This is my real guess. He showed a crazy Paul Hogan style. At a wedding. That's not a knife. This is a knife. This is a knife. It's right around the hands right here. And then he tried to stick him to the table and miss because he was drunk and boom, right into his friend's leg.

I'm picturing him tossing it. And him tossing it and missing and boom, right into his friend's leg. I'm picturing him like tossing it. And him like tossing it and missing it and it landing on his buddy's thigh. People freaked the fuck out. Chaos. He fell over the balcony. If this was a movie, you would have a stylized shot from up above where you see the knife come up and then it literally comes right into the camera and then we follow it. Boom.

Yes. One of the hardest I've ever laughed at a movie was when in Talladega Nights they stab Will Ferrell in the thigh to prove that he can feel his legs

and then they can't get the knife out and then they're like get another knife to get that knife out. Oh my god. I was dying. It's one of the hardest

I've ever laughed. It is the dumbest thing. Yeah. They said it did not meet the criteria for aggravated battery because there was no criminal intent by the suspect, Ardondo, to intentionally harm the victim, Carmago. So intent means something.

Let's just be honest about that. Oh, and we have a name. Fine. This is all according to Detective Darnell Seeley. Yes, Darnell Seeley. Darnell Seeley sounds like a guy who sells mattresses. Darnell Seeley. Darnell Seeley sounds like a guy who sells mattresses. Darnell Seeley. Also, Ardondo and Carmago sound like two corkscrew pastas that I wouldn't know the name.

Or the two different golf courses at Trump's Mar-a-Lago. Yes. I still think we're now in season two of The Wire when they go to the docks and all of a sudden it's like a whole new storyline. Bunch of dead hookers in a storage case. A container. God damn it. The police said, quote, Ardondo ruined the party. No shit. The police said that?

That isn't an official police report. That ain't enough to lock him up. I don't know what is. Ardondo ruined the party when during a round of shots at the bar of First Flight, which sounds too close to fist fight for me. Yep. They were asking for it when they walked into that one.

You guys want to go to fist fight? You mean first flight? I had a first flight in that fist fight bar. We just put our deposit down in our wedding. We're at fist fight. I mean first flight. After a few drinks, it's just fiff it. Fiff it.

FF. That's at 301 Whitehead Street. So add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour. He, that would be Ardondo, pulled out a Benchmade infidel automatic knife. I have no clue what that is.

What's an automatic knife? Aren't all knives automatically knives? Maybe that's how you get into dangerous. I don't know. Yeah. Oh my God.

Press a button on it like a switchblade. Okay. A couple episodes ago with Kate Micucci, we learned what a lockback knife was. It's a lockback knife for us. So now this is an automatic. I'm looking it up. Benchmade. Benchmade.

Benchmade infidel automatic knife. Infidel. With a double-edged dagger-style blade about four inches long. It's a Benchmade knife for us. Okay, here we go. Benchmade 3300 infidel. I'm going to ask you how much you think. Oh, no.

Jay's going to play a little game now. I'm going to play a game for you, Dan. You get to participate. How much do you think the Benchmade 3300 Infidel automatic knife is? What does it retail for? $129. Randy? It's a wedding knife.

It's a formal knife. Not on our wedding knife. I would say it's... I now pronounce you man and knife. No, at Sklar Brothers. $169.99. Do you think after it went into his thigh, he was like, do you like your gift? You can return it.

I just wrapped it for you. I put a gift receipt in the back. What do you think? I say $169. What did you say, $129? I said $169. I'm going bald? $129? I said $169. I'm going bald to the wall. I'm going to say it's like $630.

I'm going to say it's a really expensive knife. Get your answers in time. He's an Arizona knife man. The cost of a poorly researched, I'm only giving one option for this. Benchmade 3300 Infidel

dual blade knife. Yeah. $408. Oh, shit. Bitches. I know my knife. You are in it. I know my knife. Can I see a8. Oh, shit. Bitches. I know my knife. I know my knife. Can I see a picture of what this knife looks like now?

Of course you can. Oh, my God. Okay, so it's like a fancy switchblade. It's like a fancy automatic switch. But automatic might be, does it have a remote somewhere else? I am now confused as to how this guy from Scottsdale, who clearly had to fly to this wedding, got a knife like that to the wedding. Or he bought it in Florida. He showed up a day early and went knife shopping.

Yep. Well, we got to get him a gift. Yep. So he pulls out the infidel automatic knife with a double-edged dagger-style blade about four inches long. Happy knife, happy life. And showed off his skills. Oh, his skills. Carmago, that's the groom, warned him to put it away. Oh, his skills. Carmago, that's the groom, warned him

to put it away. Oh, no. Put it away. We just took shots. Put it away. My knife. Here's the problem, my knife. The problem is... What's the problem now?

There are so many problems. I know, but where the problem started, other than inviting him, was you know He was a groomsman. He was really invited. He was super invited. He's part of the wedding party. This problem probably goes all the way back to fourth grade when they met.

You know he was tossing it back and forth going, what knife? We've all gotten ready for a wedding. Especially when you're in the wedding. You're saying to yourself, what do I But guys, we've all gotten ready for a wedding. Especially when you're in the wedding. Oh, I love where this is going. You're saying to yourself, what do I need for the day? Yes, he packed a knife.

He packed a knife. What the fuck do you need a knife for at a wedding? You don't. Oh my God. There should be no moments. You should never take... Like literally, remember, I get ready.

I'm like, okay, I don't want to carry all this shit with me all day long, right? So I'll have some singles. How do I minimize So I'll have some singles to tip the bar. If this is cash bar, I'm just going to leave. And then I've got like stuff in certain parts. Oh, I can't forget the card.

I can't forget the card. He was like, knife. I've got to take my knife. Yeah, I don't understand why you would ever need this knife ever unless you were in a remake of West Side Story. Right, exactly. Or if West Side Story... It's not like a hunting knife. It's not like a practical knife in any way. No, it's a

show-off knife. It's a show-off knife, yeah. It's something you show off when you're at a wedding bar. After shots. Or if you're at like John Rambo's wedding. First flight. Camargo warned him to put it away. Yeah, smart. But Ardondo waved it in the air and made stabbing motions at the groom, then striking him in the upper left thigh.

Come on. Oh, my God. This knife? This knife? This knife right here? This knife right here? This is where it turns. Oh, oh.

Ardondo. Okay, so, just so we're all understand, they did shots at fist fight, first flight. First fight.

They did shots. The shots. This is after the wedding, right? During. During. But I mean, the ceremony is happening.

Maybe this is during the ceremony. Come on. So then, they do the shots and then Ardondo takes out the knife, starts showing his skills. Carmargo or whatever says, put it away. Put it away.

He goes, okay, let me hide it here. Put what away? Into your thigh. Put it right here. So now everybody has seen this, right? Yes. Holy shit, the groom just got stabbed. Yes.

Ardondo then, quote, in a panic jumped off the second floor balcony. The guy who stabbed. Yes, the stabber got so embarrassed with himself. I expected it was just chaos and he was drunk and fell. He ran and jumped off the balcony.

You guys don't want me here? So I am reading the Beastie Boys book, which is – it's unbelievable. It's so hard to get through because there's just so much of it. Yeah. But there was a story late in the book. It is so unbelievably funny because it's about this guy who wound up playing bongos with the band for a brief period of time. And the guy is just crazy.

And one moment – Crazy bongo player. No. The story of this guy, he is, and you think to yourself, the Beast Boys probably hung with some crazy motherfuckers in their time. This guy was just one of the most

all-time characters. Mitchell was what they called him. That wasn't really his name. But they were talking shit about Mitchell. Like, they were all talking shit about all the crazy stuff that he was doing in this very tiny, like... Green room.

Green room. Backstage. Backstage, there was, like like a window with a fire escape and whatever and mitchell there was a bathroom in there and they had been talking shit about him for so long and all of a sudden mitchell came out of the bathroom we had been there and mitchell comes out and they described it what they described is that no one they should have been like we're so sorry we didn't realize you're in there and that's really not cool of us to to talk about that that way he said instead everybody ran out of there like he's like three people ran up the fire escape like just ran climbed out the window and ran out the fire escape ran out the door that's what this guy did in that moment he just lost his mind and jumped off a balcony.

I have a friend who she has this great story. When she was in college, she hooked up with this girl. She's a lesbian. And that it didn't end well. And she was at some party, like some house party. And she was in a bedroom where a bunch of people were. And this girl walked in the bedroom door. And she just saw her and freaked

and turned and ran out to the balcony and just yelled, I'm coming down! No! And leapt over the balcony! What? And she's like, I wasn't even thinking, I just leapt over the second story balcony. And she's like, I landed right on my feet

and like my butt hit the ground and I stood right up. And everyone was just like, that's the coolest thing I've ever seen. And the other girl wanted to date her again. She's like oh my god after that move. That could have gone wrong. Really really bad. In so many ways. But she's like the fact that I even just thought to yell I'm coming

over or I'm coming down so people would clear out of the way. Or catch her. Meanwhile the idea of like because I would just imagine you jump over the side and your legs are completely straight and then you're done. You don't have legs anymore. I actually have another friend from college who he, when he was like 10 or something like that, he and his friend dragged mattresses out to the ground and then went up to his bedroom window. And they were like, we're going to jump out the window onto the mattresses.

And he landed straight legged on both of his feet and he's one of the only people in the world to have ever broke both heel bones. It is almost impossible to break a heel bone and he broke both of them. And like the doctors who were working on him, they actually wrote a

study on him because it had never been done before. Oh my goodness. What did his lesbian girlfriend think about that? I should get them together. It didn't work out well for Ardondo either. He jumps over the second floor balcony, breaking the first and second floor balcony

railings on his way down before landing on the brick walkway below. Oh my god. He then took off. What? Yes. He lived. Well, God. He then took off. What? Yes. He lived. But police,

well, he eventually gets airlifted. But police caught up with him in the 900 block of Duval Street. Oh my God. Wait, and this is in the 100 block.

Was it really? The address, it was 103 or something. Yeah, 301 Whitehead Street. Dyslexia, but still. Still.

So six blocks. Wow. Ardondo caused at least $1,100 worth of damage to the restaurant. That's three of those knives. And the best story that anyone will ever tell. The stabbing ended the wedding party and first flight closed early. A police report wrote in the report the guests were very upset when we arrived. Oh, my God.

What a dummy. Wait, who fainted? I'm sure. They never came back on it. Probably the guy. Wait, who fainted? I'm sure. They never came back on it. Probably the guy who got stabbed. That's what I would think. I mean, if you had stabbed a leg, you would just be like. You faint and hope that someone deals with it.

When I wake up, this thing better be off and my leg must be tied up. How does someone recover? Like, how does a friendship recover from that? It doesn't. Like, has he ever come back and he's like, dude, you stabbed me at my wedding. Oh, you mean after I fell off a stack or before I fell off a second floor balcony and had to get airlifted? Maybe it's not all about you. Hey, you want to grab me a beer when you go to the fridge?

You get it for yourself. Oh, okay. I'll get it for myself the same way that I tried to help pull the knife out of my leg that you stuck into. I'll get you a beer. Like that, I would hold that over him for the rest of my life. Yeah, for sure. Real quick, how old do you think Giovanni Ardondo is? Oh.

Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. You're a guest. Wait, this is the- How old?

The stabber. The stabber. The stabber. The guy who jumped off the balcony. You can go first. Okay, here's the thing. He has enough money to buy that knife. So I can't. 400 bucks.

And travel from Arizona. I'm going to say he's 28. Okay. Yeah. That's so good. That's right in the wheelhouse of what I was going to say. What are you going to say? 29.

I'm going to say 39. I think he's been around the block. One of you is exactly right. It's one of us again. I think so. Now we get to play the game of who do you think is exactly right. Come on. You can go first, second, or first, tick, or third.

Whatever you want to. I'm going third then. I got to think about this. I'm going to go with myself because I didn't trust myself and I regret it. So you said 29 and you said 28. I'm going to go with myself. I think he's 39.

Okay. Screw it. I'm going with myself. Okay, good. Everybody's parked in their own garage. I like that. Giovanni Ardondo, the man who traveled from Phoenix

to be in a wedding. Scottsdale. Classic Phoenix. Classic Phoenix. Let's not make a distinction here. You're right. You're right. Scottsdale. Let's bump him up.

To this restaurant Florida wedding where, believe it or not, a knife showed up. Who'd have thought with that recipe? What knife? This one? Get your answers in now, Tonys, because Giovanni Arredondo is 29 years old. Oh, you are calling it. I got two right. Who am I, Kevin Pollack?

Oh, my God. That's unbelievable. On the nose today. All right. There's story number two down in the book. Dan, can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear in segment three? You can now buy something chocolatey of yourself that's gross. I love it.

All right. It's going gonna get sloppy up in here Allison Hislip's with us and it's Dumb People Town we'll be back right after this stick around make a sound

there's more Dumb People Town hey guys welcome back to DPT quick notes about where you can come see us we will be in Portland

this weekend we'll be at Helium Comedy Club which I love love love and we'll be there the 7th the 8th CPT, quick notes about where you can come see us. We will be in Portland this weekend. We'll be at Helium Comedy Club, which I love, love, love. And we'll be there the 7th, the 8th, and the 9th. One show on Thursday, the 7th, two on Friday, two on Saturday. Let's sell these out. Come on, people. We'd love to see you out there. And then at the end of the month, we just booked the IDL Ballroom in Tulsa on Friday, February 22nd.

And then Saturday and Sunday, we're doing one show in Denver and then one show in St. Louis. But those are synagogue shows, which will be more storytelling about Judaism and whatnot, which you don't want to hear. There are shows actually in synagogues? Yes. There are four that— Jewish— No, the one is. The second one is.

The other one isn't. The other one's in a theater in Denver. It's good. We're psyched about it, and we'd love for you guys to come out and see us. Just go to superscholars.com. You can see all of our dates that go all the way up through July,

which we're really excited about. You guys are booked. How about you? Any live stuff you're doing? No. Okay. And I'm jealous. Now I want to do this.

Do you guys remember, like, we met when we did that random live MTV, was it the O Awards? Yes, it was. Is that what it was called? Yes, it was.

So you know, okay, yeah, we did. So you know our whole story coming back from that flight. No, because that was such a weird job. It was so weird. Which one? We did it two years in a row. We did New York and then we did New Orleans.

Were you in New Orleans? No, I only did New York. And then I did the one where they did it on a bus. Oh, yeah. They took the Flaming Lips on a bus to break a world record. So that was the New Orleans one. Oh, so I started that one. I started with them in Memphis and did like a day or something with them on the bus.

That's right. And we would throw back and forth to you. Yes, that's right. We talked to you from. So in New York, I just remember Hanson was on. Yes. And I was like, like 16-year-old Allison was like, Hanson. Yeah, we loved that.

I was so stoked. Flying back from New Orleans. And we did all these crazy bits on that. I remember we did so many bits. The bit with Jamie Lee was my favorite. I was stoked. Flying back from New Orleans. And we did all these crazy bits on that. I remember we did so many bits. The bit with Jamie Lee was my favorite. Jamie Lee, who's on Crashing Out, we did this bit with her where she came on and played one of the— Nikki Hyatt. Nikki Hyatt, one of the Hyatts.

Oh, right. She played one of the— Not one of the Hiltons. And she came on saying that she— Her dad was trying to slut her up. Pour her up so that she could help drum up business for the Hyatt because Paris Hilton had done so much great work for the Hiltons that like this was. Oh, my God. And it was so funny.

She was Jodi Lennon played a cat lady. It was ridiculous. Anyway, that was fun. But on the way back, I got sexually harassed by Richard Simmons. And then we had him on our podcast. And that was the last long interview he's ever done. Oh, wow. It's all your fault.

It's my fault. It's all your fault. He's missing now. I put him back in the closet. Why did I do that? All right. So. He never left. So check all that stuff out and check Dan stuff at DanielVanKirk.com. Yeah. It's all your fault It's my fault It's all your fault He's missing now I put him back in the closet Why did I do that Alright so He never left

So check all that stuff out And check Dan's stuff At danielvankirk.com Yeah Live Pen Pals on March 3rd In Houston That's the first one We've ever done

And then the 4th We're gonna be at Largo Doing a live Dumb People Town With Karen Kilgariff And right here in LA I wanna come Yeah come on Yeah please

I love Largo Now that you've done the show You now know the show Your family Your family though Hazelip Your family I would stick a knife in you If I could want to come. Yeah, come on. Largo. I love Largo. Now that you've done the show, you now know the show. You're family. You're family now, Hazelip. You're family. I would stick a knife

in you if I could. Right in your thigh. Are you ready for this? Sweet. That's Carrie. Final story? Yes. Sent in by Jen Amity.

Jamity. At Jamity 51. Jamity. Jamity Bill Whore. Here we go. Thanks, Jen, for sending this. If you're looking for

something to say, I love you, happy holidays, or I imagine now they'd want to say Valentine's Day. It is. Why not get a chocolate mold of your anus and give it to your boo? I did not think that was the body part we were going with.

Or grab a mold of your significant others behind and show them just how much you adore their poop shoot. While it seems crazy and a bit fake, this is the real deal, y'all. This person is writing very conversationally. I'm a journalist. This is the real deal, y'all. If you're as obsessed I'm going to win a Pulitzer for this, y'all.

If you're as obsessed with your partner's ass as they are with yours, show them the right way by making it edible. Can I just say that for those who are obsessed with their partner's asses, there aren't a lot of options for Valentine's Day. And this is finally someone has stepped up to the plate and given you that sweet, sweet thing you've been desiring. Edible anus. A company that specializes in, you guessed it, edible anus.

The four of us here can come up with a better name than edible anus. Can we all just put our heads together on this and come up with a better name? I don't know. How about the American Sweet Store? Ass. I mean, it's already... It's already called a chocolate star. I don't know why you wouldn't just continue with that.

And you do the theme song. You must be my chocolate star. Cause you shine on me. Cause you do the theme song as you must be my chocolate star. Cause you shine on me. Cause you shit on me wherever you are. Edible Anus, a company that specializes in, you guessed it,

edible anuses, will send you a box of three chocolate butts. Margus, Magnus, I'm sorry, Irvin, the owner of Edible Anus, is clearly onto something here.

Do you want to see what it looks like? I like sweet butts. Is it the whole butt? No, it's just the anus. Oh, it's just the little puckery part. Yeah. It's actually really cute. They look good.

If you didn't know what it was. Exactly. If you did not know that that was an anus, you're like, it's a fancy chocolate. It's so good. Do they have caramel filled? Irvin came up with the idea when he was working on an art exhibit featuring several different color chocolate anuses. He used his own anus apparently and the product came out a bit messy, but he came up with the idea to mold other people's butts and sell them for profit. Even better.

When creating the mold, you'll have to sit in a bit of an awkward position, but it's all worth it for art and glory. Am I right? I have to imagine it's got to be similar to getting waxed back there, though. It has to be. How about yes, comma, but? B-U-T-T. and think it's a bit too much like poop coming out of your anus, you can splurge and get your significant other a bronze or silver replica of your anus.

That is really sweet. Paperweight. Yeah. How much? Paperweight. What do you get for the girl who has everything? Look at this photo of how you get your mold made. This is the part where it makes me think it's fake,

but I'm pretty sure that this is a real company. No. That looks fake. This will be on the Facebook. That's got to be fake. Dan, this might be a fake story. Well, the comedy's real. I'm going to ask you guys. Have you seen Snopes this?

Can't you Snopes it? Snopes it. Snopes Monkey Trial? I'm going to ask you, how much do you think it costs to get a mold of your anus in bronze or silver? I might call fake on this, but I will guess. Okay. A bronze or silver.

If you get the bronze anus, does that mean you have the third best anus and then the silver the second best? You can't get gold. I would rather get a bronze of Neptune.

Okay. Fair enough. Instead of your anus? Uh-huh. Any guesses? We're going to get? I'm in this. We're going to get out of here on this. This is fictitious.

I don't think it is. Dan, I think it's fake. Have you gone to the website? Yes. Dan has already gotten a mold of his anus. I mean, this is as real as it gets. Yeah. There is multiple chocolates you can get.

There is a white and a caramel. Of course. Say caramel or caramel. I say caramel. I say caramel. How about bottom feeders? That's a great one. That's a great and a caramel. Of course. Say caramel or caramel. I say caramel. I say caramel. How about Bottom Feeders? That's a great one. That's a great name for this place.

Bottoms up. Why, come on. Yeah, way better than Edible Anus. Edible Anus is just not. Yeah, the website's real. Okay. You can become a reseller or you can buy the best. What do you mean a reseller?

I don't know. They have resellers. Maybe you want to like get them in your. They probably resellers. Maybe you want to get them in your... They probably have standard molds and you can just get anus chocolates. Anus chocolates. Yeah, you can get boxes of them. I mean, a bronze...

I think you should have your listeners send you one of these boxes. Please. So this is bronze? You're asking me how much a bronze will cost? You also have to pay for the insulated shipping container. So it doesn't melt. Right. Because otherwise you just end up with melty chocolate. Yeah, this is real. You're asking me how much a bronze one costs? You also have to pay for the insulated shipping container. So it doesn't melt. Right. Because otherwise you just end up with melty chocolate. Yeah, this is real.

You can buy them. Hold on. Dan's ordering too. Dan, did you just order one? You asked me how much a bronze one costs? Yeah. I'm going to say $179. $179.

So less than an automatic knife. Just to think of everybody's... Okay, go ahead. $179. So less than an automatic knife. I was thinking like $129. Okay. For a silver or bronze? For a bronze. I'm going to say $500. Okay.

How about rectal Ralphs? Rectal Ralphs. Rectal Ralphs. I think you might get sued. You might get sued by Pixar. Although that was not a Pixar movie. That was just a Denzy movie. Was it? Oh, Rectal Ralph wasn't Pixar?

Sorry to nerd on you. I've already been corrected on that point. Even bigger nerd than me. Look at you passing on your knowledge. Thanks. Someone corrected you. I had to shame another person because the shame was on me. No, I love it.

You got to pass that shame. You got to pass along. Pay it forward. Shame it forward. Give me your answers. I said 500 bucks. You got to pass along. Pay it forward. Shame it forward. Give me your answers. I said 500 bucks. You said 129. Jay said 179.

The amount it would cost you to get a- If I get this right again, I'm going to walk out of here. You're done. The podcast is over. Don't look back. A mold of your anus is, get your answers in now, Tony. Play along. Scream it out wherever you are because the total is $589.

No! Oh, my God. This stuff is expensive. What? As we would say, this shit is expensive. Oh my God. That should be, by the way, that should be the thing. This shit is expensive.

Edible anus. This shit is expensive. I love it. Wow. We've never had a story like this ever. That's crazy. And it is Valentine's Day is around the corner. But does this qualify as dumb people town?

This just to me seems more fetishy. Oh, it's dumb that anyone would do it. And it's kind of dumb that they're charging five. I mean, it's amazing that people would pay that money. To me, there is a level of stupidity in it. And it just falls under the dumb rubric of life. Yeah. I 100% thought this was going to be about dicks.

When you gave us a teaser to this story, I was like, people are getting chocolate dicks. No, but if you want just straight chocolate, it's 31 bucks. 31 bucks. And you get three of them. This is more egalitarian. This is the egalitarian edible anus. That's $10 a chocolate. I know, but.

That's an expensive chocolate. But the look of joy on the person's face when you give them. Is it good chocolate? I feel like. When you give them butthole chocolates. Butthole chocolates. Butthole chocolates. Dude, by the way, that's, I think, a better name.

Butthole chocolates. Butthole chocolates. And it's B-, by the way, that's, I think, a better name. Butthole Chocolates. And it's B-U-T comma W-H-O-L-E Chocolates. Butthole. Chocolates. Butthole Chocolates. That's it. That's it. Butthole Chocolates.

That's the name of this episode. Allison Hayslip, people can follow you on the Twitters. Yeah, Allison Hayslip and Instagram, Allison Hayslip. Follow her. She's fantastic. With one L, though. Don't get super confused. With one L.

And check out the podcast. Half Hour, Happy Hour, Ladies Night. Check that out for sure. And then watch her on Superstore. And, oh, shit, we had to get back to work. Oh. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Stick around, make a sound Come here down, it's Dumb People Town