Dumb People Town - Amiee Mann and Ted Leo - Drunk People Can't Avoid Bragging

Episode Date: July 2, 2019

This week Amiee Mann and Ted Leo (The Art of Process) stop in to hear about a man with a curious reason for not doing a field sobriety test. In the second story, a man  tries to sue his parents for destroying his massive porn collection. In story 3, bowls of mashed potatoes mysteriously appear on cars. 

Star Pains, I know. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population. Leo and man. Amy Mann, Ted Leo, two wonderful friends of ours who have an amazing podcast that we'll talk about later. We just did it called The Art of the Process. The Art of Process. The Art of Process. Yeah, nice.

The Art of Process. The Art of Losing Articles in the title of your podcast. That's right. We just did it. It's fantastic. We just did it. It's amazing. But these two wonderful people are not just incredible musicians that inspire us and we

love and we look up to, but they're very funny people who participate in the live version of this show. Oh, that was so wonderful. At Largo, you guys were just put your own spin on it, had fun with it. It's what you got to do. It is what you got to do. You got to chime in. Are you amazed at how dumb the world has become? I mean, hasn't it always been this dumb?

That's a theory. But dumb is rising to the top like a weird type of gross cream. Yeah, this is the eternal question. My thing is, my attitude is it's never been a more acceptable time to be dumb. That you can be as loud and dumb. You could walk in and people are like, did you hear about this huge national tragedy or whatever? No, I didn't. I missed it at all.

Whereas in 1986, if you didn't know that the Challenger had exploded, people were like, what's wrong with you? But now it's like, oh, yeah. Don't have to. I just watch yarn videos. I miss the news like that's okay that's cool yarn videos

I don't know I don't know what a yarn video is but you know there is one you know there's a series yarn porn as you guys know because you both have done the show

the our great fans send us in these unbelievable stories and we just try and break them down to try and understand the dumb

and make fun of it. That's our weapon, guys. You help us navigate. We've been weaponized with comedy. Let's navigate the dumb. So Dan's got a great story. You want to do one? Let's jump in.

We got the guys here. Sent in by Derek Shipley at Derek Shipley. Derek sends in a lot of stuff and I appreciate it. He does that and you can too by going on Twitter and doing hashtag Dumb People Town

at Daniel Van Kirk. Superb. And sending me a story where children and animals don't get hurt and nobody dies. That's all we ask. And people don't have mental illness. They're just dumb. Yeah. Okay.

There we go. There's a huge trough to pick from. Are you ready for four words that we love to hear? Yeah. We've got a greenling. Oh, yes. Did we do a green link with you? We did not, but I'm familiar with it.

I had several green links in mind. So the game that I love so much. You know, by the way, someone has tweeted at him recently and showed us the screen grab. Have you heard of Don't People Tell? There's a game using your articles. And he's like, a game? That sounds fun. A game is where people tell. There's a game using your articles. And he's like, a game? That sounds fun. A game is where people play.

The first games. Exactly. Yes, we came from the Arab world through the Knights Templar. But it's not even that. That's information. He's giving me too much good information. This is explaining something that we already know. Ted could improvise a Greenlee.

Absolutely. They're fun. You can always help me do one if you already know. Ted could improvise a Greenlee. Absolutely. They're fun. You can always help me do one if you want. I have to improvise them. Or it's all him sometimes. You never know. Again, to reset. The game here is, did Dan write it?

Or did Greenlee. Or did Greenlee write it? I remember when we did this live, which should have dropped by now, at Largo with John C. Riley, and Amy was there as well. which should have dropped by now, at Largo with John C. Reilly, and Amy was there as well. And I remember after the first one that was a Greenlee, John was so on tilt.

Remember, he was like, I don't even know. I can't think of it. What are we even doing anymore? I can't understand anything that's happening. All right, ready? Good job, C. Reilly. He'd be very angry if he hears this. Palm City. A man told deputies he was, quote,

too fat to participate in field sobriety exercise, but that didn't get him out of a DUI arrest. All right. There's too fat to fly. We know about that. Our joke, of course, was, I don't know if you heard the news, that terrible joke. At Sklar Brothers, get it ready.

Don't even do it. Lock, load it right now. Shelly Duvall got thrown off of a Southwest Airlines flight because she was too flat. That's not funny, and it's not fair. Flat. It's like suddenly it's 1974. We're calling girls flat.

We're in the wake of the Popeye movie. We'll be right back on Three's a Crowd. Right after this. Randy's no longer a Sklar brother. Byron Allen's comics unleashed. So too fat to fly, we know about that. And then, of course, this guy's saying too fat to walk. To do field sobriety tests.

Too fat to do the alphabet backwards? To walk a straight line. Touch your nose? I haven't seen my nose in 25 years. Rolando Gonzalez was arrested April 5th by Martin County Sheriff's deputies after investigators stopped his van

at Southwest Cornell Avenue and Southwest Martin Highway. Add that to the dumb people town walking tour. Put it on the walking tour. Deputies said the van had traveled 30 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone. Why are you pulling it over?

And drove slightly off road. That's how hard that car was working. He had it floored. That's how fat this guy was. Be nice. I'm sorry. He's too fat to do the field surveillance. Yeah, but also he's drunk, so you know he's a liar.

Yeah. He's not too fat. He's not too fat. Right. Deputy said the van traveled 35 miles per hour in a 35-mile-per-hour zone. Go call your kids. I'm too fat. And drove slightly off the road.

Off-roading is not what a van is typically used for. Derived from the British word caravan, a van is a medium-sized motor vehicle with a boxy shape and high roof, commonly used for transporting goods or passengers. That Dan wrote that. DVK or Greenlee. Greenlee.

I'm going to go with Greenlee. That's Dan. I think that's Greenlee. I think it's Greenlee. I think it sounds so Greenlee that it's actually Dan. That's how Dan gets in your head. All right. I'll read them both back to back. Deputies found the van going 35 miles an hour, driving slightly off road.

Off-roading is not what a van is typically used for. Derived from the British word caravan, a van is a medium-sized motor vehicle with a boxy shape and high roof, commonly used for transporting goods or passengers. Who wrote it? DVK or Greenlee? The answer is... DVK. Oh, Jay! Again, Dan is so...

You know, hats off for the skillful ramp into, like, an off-roading. It's not commonly. There's, like, a very... Dan has figured out how... Maybe a little too much skill. Maybe a little too much skill. Maybe a little too much skill. Dan, I mean, what you're basically doing is showing you could get a job at the TC Palm. If nothing really ever quits.

If the TC Palm offered me a monthly op-ed, you would do it. Oh. In a heartbeat. Dan, you would do it. In a heartbeat. It'd be the most read thing in that paper. The three of us could do it. We'd just take turns. We'd have to do it four times a year. I would do it. It'd be the most read thing in that paper. The three of us could do it. We'd just take turns.

We'd have to do it four times a year. I would do that in a heartbeat. An op-ed is an optional editorial. Stop. Gonzalez smelled of booze. His shorts were urine stained. And his zipper was open, which shows effort. He tried. He was like, I'm going to he tried he was like i'm gonna get it out i'm gonna get it out i made it to the door i'm gonna get it out

deputies inquired of gonzalez whether he had any medical issues that impact his ability to walk or bounce so they say we're doing field sobriety. He says, can't, too fat. They then say, do you have any medical issues that impact your ability to walk or balance? He says. Gonzalez said he was disabled and quote, can't see my feet over my stomach. Alright.

Okay. So he's got a legitimate... He can't see the trees for the forest. An enlarged stomach is commonly called a beer belly. Fittingly for Gonzales, beer belly... Wait. Fitting for Gonzales as beer bellies are formed when a person consumes excessive amounts of beer or alcohol. Who wrote that?

DVK. Now you're inside of Amy's heart. Now you're in. Dan, you are inside Amy's heart. Now I have to subtract the first one. So this is the first one. So this is the first one as we've come along in the story. That's very smart.

Amy Mann talking explanation placement in a green light. She's now about geography. Article geography. And then the question you have to ask yourself is, isn't there something else that's going to come that would be a more natural place to explain a beer belly? These are all wonderful things. Could have explained a zipper. Could have explained a zipper. Yeah, could have explained the zipper.

Could have explained why one needs to look at one's feet to walk. Yeah, that's true. Which one doesn't really, but maybe it helps. It helps. I look at the ground when I walk. You want to look where you're going. You don't want to trip. Fair.

So I guess my answer is, I think it's Dan. Okay. Okay, you're going with me? Don't be so resigned. I'm going to stick with Greenlee on this one. Yeah. Jay? I think it's Greenlee.

I think it's Dan. I think it's Dan. Uh-oh. All right. We're split here. House divided. Yeah. House divided. House green. House divided House divided

House divided Cannot see its feet There you go Alright so Amy You're saying who? I'm saying you Okay and Ted? Greenlee

Greenlee? I'm saying Dan Okay Randy says me And I say Greenlee I'm with Ted Okay I'm gonna read it One more time for you

It's so fun It's so fun Where was it? Oh there it is Okay Your belly I can't He says Can't see my feet Over my stomach An enlarged stomach It's so fun. Where was it? Oh, there it is. Okay. Beer belly. I can't, he says, can't see my feet over my stomach.

An enlarged stomach is commonly called a beer belly. Fitting for Gonzales as beer bellies are formed when a person consumes excessive amounts of beer and or alcohol. Who wrote it? If anybody wants to change their mind, you need to do it now. I'm going to change. I'm going greenly. Whoa. All right.

Going greenly. Three greenlies, one Dan. Okay. I'm going to change. I'm going Greenlee. Three Greenlees, one Dan. The person who said what beer bellies are and how they come to be. That was written by DVK. Yeah!

Why would you doubt yourself? Because I felt that the first one showed too much skill and intellect. And this one was too clunky and intellect. And this one was too clunky and slapdash. It was colloquial. And he changed Greenlee's style.

You're too good at this. You're turning into him. We've had ones where it was all him. We've had ones where it was all me. That's how Dan really messes with you when it's all Greenlee. I'll be honest with you. There is a sad feeling in my heart when someone sends me a Greenlee. The story's pretty good, and he does zero overuse.

And I was like, what did you even write this for? How are we going to use this? Come on. Greenlee. Why do you think I tune in? Right. I want to know what a trampoline is. I want it explained to me.

An enlarged belly. Just the whole. You know what I got to say? There's a skill there's a your belly Dan is in our head Dan is in our head

it's deliberately annoying Dan you are you are a master puppeteer right now you are working it on everything I am this is so beautiful

I am willfully tethered to your sticks and strings and it's like the lottery like I guarantee you of all our listeners who've been for the along for the whole ride

there is not one person it's like the NCAA tournament not one you Of all our listeners Who've been for the Along for the whole ride There is not one person It's like the NCAA tournament Not one person Has got them all right Well how about I will guarantee that We've done episodes Remember Kevin Pollak

We have people who have Looked me and thought That they were like I can tell by what I got your tell Yeah Joe Coy Like was like I got you

I saw his eyes I know what he's doing None of them have ever been right They're all wrong Okay Still Gonzalez said He walks his dog every day.

So he could have done the field sobriety. Yeah. Also, I love that. Can you get out for a second? No, I can't. I have a disability. Okay. What do you do normally?

Walk my dog every day? Every day. Come up. Because drunk people can't avoid bragging. That's right. And in that moment, he thought, because they were probably like, so you shouldn't, they were probably like, so you shouldn't even be driving? No, I walk my dog

every day. You now bragged your way into a lie. Well, I don't do it saying the alphabet backwards. I also like when a drunk person asks you questions that are easy, like, well, who can stand on one foot?

I can, sir. And so can she. And so can that guy. See that kid going by? For how long? Well, that's not really the issue. Right. So still, Ronaldo, I think it was Ronaldo, Gonzalez said he walks his dog every day. Asked whether he could stand on one leg. I swear I forgot

that that was next. Gonzalez said, quote, no, I'm too fat. He declined to take that portion of the test. His weight is listed at 400 pounds. But listed. We've all watched sports. That's pretty big. He's definitely four and a half spins.

His weight is listed at 400 pounds. In other contexts, a Rubenesque physique is celebrated. For example, the British rock band's Queen and Spinal Tap had hit songs titled Fat Bottom Girls, 1978, and Big Bottom, 1984, respectively. The lyrics of the former include, Fat Bottom Girls, you make

the rockin' world go round, while the lyrics to the latter include, the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'. That's what I said, the looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand. That's what I said. Come on. The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand. No. Or so I've read. Who wrote that? DK or Greenlee? I'm really at

C now because... Exactly, Ted. That's impossible. No one would put that in a news story. Which is why I am 100% guessing Greenlee. Me too. Me too. Me too. 100%! To the fact that it can't happen, it's impossible, 100% guessing Greenlee. Me too. Me too. Me too. 100%. 100%. All right.

The fact that it can't happen, it's impossible, it's not a chance. Take everything you know about the world and throw it out the window. We're dealing with Greenlee. A window is a small box-shaped thing in a wall. Now, would you like to tell them what happened in Austin, Texas? Yeah. We had someone read a Greenlee to us, and there was lyrics from Nelly's. Not from Nelly's.

From Cisco's. The thong song. She had dumps like a truck. What, what, what, what. Truck, truck. For the Sklars. Can you cover that? Will you guys cover that?

Absolutely. For the Sklars, and for anybody else who knows. I want to hear Amy Mann and Ted Leo together do a thong song. Will you please do it? A thoughtful thong song will you please do it a thoughtful thong song I will you please in the late 90s

I played guitar briefly in a band called the Spinanes remember sub pop band and we

actually broke into a bit of the thong song at one point because the place goes crazy gag at one point no no

they were not happy they were happy at all I would be happy. I would be happy. It's going mild. Dumps like a truck. Truck. What?

Just like fucking, just a motive. I'm saying greenly all the way. Is Ted green? Are you greenly as well? I'm not going to change horses mid. No, that's smart

because you're all for two. A greenly never changes his green stripes. So the question is, did he do it again or did I believe you would know he would do something like this?

I'll read it one more time. In other contexts, a Rubinette's physique is celebrated. For example, the British rock band's Queen and Spinal Tap had hit songs titled Fat Bottom Girls, 1978, and Big Bottom, 1984, respectively. Respectively is what did it for me.

The lyrics of the former include, Fat Bottom Girls, you make the rock and roll go round. While the lyrics to the latter include, the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'. That's true. That's what I said. The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand. Or so I have read. Really one of the best lines ever. Or so I have read. In a publication.

Right. Penthouse Forum. Or the TC Park. The Atlantic In a publication. Right. Penthouse Forum. Or the TC Park. The Atlantic. All right. The person who wrote the lyrics to the songs Fat Bottom Girls and Big Bottom while also putting in a little bit about Rubenesque Physiques, that was written by Greenleaf. Yes!

We all got it. I can't believe that. And you can't believe that exists. That's in a newspaper. Wow. That's a all got it. I can't believe And you can't believe that exists. That's in a newspaper. Wow. That's a journalist wrote that.

I can't believe it. He could have talked about Rubens. Right. You're right. He didn't go that route. Paul or the sandwich. I can't believe

that that is in a newspaper. It goes on forever. Ever. By the way, he could have just done one verse of Fat Bottom Girl. It's insane.

Of Big Bottom. Right. No, he had to do two. Two verses. It's insane. And the fact, yeah, because he could have just stopped after the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the cushion, but he went deeper into the looser the waistband, the deeper the quicks.

Which is so much more sexual. So much more explicit. And so much more explicit. Somebody had to be like, Will Greenlee had to get, like, Will, come in here. Which is so much more sexual and so much more explicit. Somebody had to be like, Will Greenlee had to get, like, Will, come in here. We're talking again about your articles. I think this now more than ever proves my theory that I've always believed all along that he has a thousand words to fill. And most stories are 500 and he's like, I gotta just do something to fill it. God bless him.

Meanwhile, deputies arrested Gonzalez on a DUI charge. Gonzalez, who has addresses listed in Stewart and Miami Lakes, was taken to jail. Breath tests measured Gonzalez' blood alcohol content at how much?

Would you guys like to take a guess? I don't know. He's 400 pounds so he's gotta have a lot of alcohol. You are solidly drunk at 0.2. 0.08 is against the legal limit. You can get a DUI for 0.08. 0.1 is a lot. 0.2 is a lot.

0.3 is you just poured vodka on the breathalyzer. Right. So 0.08 is legal limit. He was convicted, right? Okay. Yeah. So you know it's more than 0.08. Arrest So.08 is legal limit. He was convicted, right? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you know it's more than.08. Arrested on a DUI charge. Seems pretty high. Seems like it's got to be pretty high. He was off-roading. He peed himself. His shorts were urine-soaked. Yeah.

I mean, once you get to pee. Yeah. Right. You got to be. I'm going to go.12. By the way, I think off-roading is like what I would call peeing in my pants while I'm driving. I just, I feel off-roading.

We're going to stop at this rest stop. Nah, I'm going to off-roading. That's why we got to invent the road dipe. There you go. The road dipe. The road dipe. Or traffic dipe. We could call it traffic dipe.

Or a diaper that you can put, like you don't have to put fully around you, that you can just put to cover that area that will absorb everything. Just jam it in. 0.12, Ted? 0.12. I'm going to go higher. One point.

0.1. 0.1. I don't know. 0.12 plus. 0.18. 0.15. I think he was 0.2. Point one eight. Point one eight. Okay, so more than twice the legal limit, Jay. Point one five. Okay. I think he was point two. Okay.

I really do. All right. One of you is exactly right. No! So now we get to play the game. Who do you think is right? Who do you think is exactly right? Well, I feel like it's-

Have confidence in yourself. I don't want you to go- Amy, you away from yourself and not- I mean, I got to pick somebody with more experience. Why? You might be on it. 0.18 might be the answer. I don't like the way you're looking at me right now.

You're like the gimlet eye that I'm giving you. Somebody who's blown into many a DUI tube. Somebody who's been off-roading once or twice. Have you ever gotten pulled over for a... Just last summer. What? For the first time in my life, yeah. Cracking down in Rhode Island.

No, it was actually in Jersey. There you go. I mean, look, I made my way through a few holes. Hey, I'm going out of shore. It was late at night. I was trying to get somewhere. Going out of shore. I was very like, I'm very nervous.

I've never had this happen before. I also play in a rock and roll band. Damn, Harrison! Why am I offering information? I'm just a singer in a rock and roll band. I walk my dog every day. Okay. Who do you think it is?

Amy, who do you think it is? I think Jason's right. Okay. All right. What did I say? Ted, what do you think? One five. I'm going to go with Amy.

Yeah. You say one eight. I think it's one eight. Jay? I think it's me. Okay. I think it's 1.8. Jay? I think it's me. Okay. I think it's me. Okay.

Am I allowed to be happy if it's me, though? Yes! You can still be happy even though you didn't pick yourself. Breath test measured Gonzalez's blood alcohol content at.15. Whoa! Very good..158 point 1 5 6 to be specific that's more than twice the legal limit the fun thing about green is they also have links to other

stories that he has written and they just give you the headline I'll read the two of those and then we will leave this first story that has been so much fun when you read the article it says more and then there's like a title and you can click to it this one is there's two of them, and they're both great. One is more.

Squeegee flap prompts machete attack. No. Why and how? You brought a squeegee to machete fight? You lose. Yep. And one more. More.

Man driving with pants down said he was, quote, working out. Isometrics. Isometrics. Maybe I'm sorry. I think he meant he's working something out. Yeah, I was going to say working it out. If you add an it in there. For giving it a workout.

There you go. There you go. Just move your words around and it all makes sense. Maybe he was doing Kegels. Tiny art. Kegels. Man Kegels. Man Kegels.

All right, there we go. First story down in the books. Amy Mann, Ted Leo are with us. We're going to talk about their podcast after this and get into more dumbness. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We have Amy Mann and Ted Leo. They have a great new podcast that you should immediately subscribe to right now. The Art of Process and you guys talk to many different people,

I'm assuming, from the music world and comedy world and all over, just your curious people yourselves. How do we create? How do we create?

Yeah, and more sort of nuts and bolts kind of stuff. Like, you know, what's the actual process people use you know we're not gonna we don't pretend that the lightning bolt doesn't sometimes hit but for most people who actually are trying to work in you know the arts broadly there's so much more time spent

figuring out if you've done it for a long enough time you do sort of say all right i gotta i do have to get to work i I have to like gather my, you know, it's so funny, Patton Oswalt. I don't know if you guys have had him on the show, but I remember one time he, he had just finished a special and I was like,

so you're going to go out on the road. He's like, no, I got to go. I'm not going, I'm not doing standup for six months. I have to go live my life. And then out of that will come the,

that's his process. Out of that will come my next chunk of material. You guys said it well on your podcast, which is that like, if you're a genius and the ideas just flow through you and whatever, and it just comes from a source you don't know, I don't really want to talk to you. You're not right for this show because that's, the show is like, how do you scrape it out? How do you, or what do you do that could be something that i could glean that could help me figure out yeah there's there's work and practice and you know and just showing up and uh you know imitation was one thing we talk about a lot you know like when people start out and they start you know imitating certain things and then it kind of like become they become an amalgamation of

of their of their influences but that's like a you know that's an important part of it can i ask you both who who you guys started out saying oh i want to be like this or what inspired each of you to like a person or band or something that or maybe it wasn't even that maybe it was a different artist inspired you guys i was probably i probably had like a combination of uh dylan and bowie and springsteen like i would say like those are the guys that i wanted to be storytelling of springsteen the i mean i when i think of lyrics just again wasn't afraid to tell a very deep story was that what hit you or no i think just like the dylan had a facility with words. Bowie was just kind of fascinating and interesting and stylish and his voice was great.

So good. And Springsteen just had like, I don't know. It was like an authenticity. Yeah. I mean, he was like the relatable rock star that, you know, just seemed like cool and cool in a way, like confidence. Yeah. You know, how confidence is cool. And he could also sing sad songs, but also have fun on stage. Yeah.

There was that when you watched him and you were like, oh, he's going deep, but then he's also having fun with his band. Yeah. And of course, like none of that is really, I don't think you could see any of that. I see that in what you do. Maybe like the lyrics, because I do love words. Like I just love putting words together. You never listen to one of your songs and go,

ugh, Springsteen rip. But if you start to tease, you know, if you start to tease it out, yes. Darkness in the center of town. What do I use it for?

Wow. For me, I think, you know, something that we talked about with R and Jason about a comedic motivation being involved in a scene, you know, and wanting to just be in there with your peers. I think initially for me, though, I'd been into a lot of different music. When I first started playing and writing, it was in the punk scene and the hardcore scene in New York,

and it was very peer-oriented. It was really joyful to be in a scene, everybody kind of bouncing ideas and sharing band members, et cetera. And so that was a big motivator. But then as far as what I was reaching for, I think it would be the people who were five or 10 years older than me

who sort of, their songs were more of a high tide that was like meant to raise the ships as opposed to like just wallowing on the docks where I've been most of the time. You know, English bands like The Clash and The Jam kind of going back to other primary sources that I was into, you know, 60s R&B and British Invasion stuff

and infusing that with punk. And then also kind of American punk bands who were doing a little more of an adult political thing, like the Minutemen and stuff like that. Yeah, it's so funny. Do people, when they hear your music, think that if they've never heard you speak before, think that you're British?

Because there is a very, like, I get that feel from what you do. That has not happened but more than once someone will say to me you have such a deep speaking voice because you're singing voices so I know pulling up the register. Well let me say this to our fans if you have not heard

the full gamut of both these guys individual stuff and you have stuff together you can't help me now on the both. Milwaukee Milwaukee is one of my favorite songs that either of you do and you do it together. You can't help me now On the both Oh thanks Milwaukee Milwaukee It's one of my favorite songs That either of you do And you do it together You can't help me now

I was like Yeah I'll go for a drive alone Thank you It's time for daddy To have some daddy time No but it is cool That you guys have found A way to merge

Your two styles Into a band That actually works And as a part of a team A duo I like to hear that. We cemented it in the womb. You guys individually created what you do

and then brought it together and do it so well on the podcast too. You guys are so good on the podcast. I love throwing ideas back and forth. I just think it's so, you know, you work better together. And also, you know, honestly, it's half as much work.

Like, I mean, because it's because you can share the load. You can share the load. You bring a thought in and an idea. There's like a cushion there. We're like, I haven't figured this out yet. But the second you say it to him and he's like, oh, I got this. Yeah. You don't have to agonize, you know, because there are some songs where you come up with a thing and you're like, oh, I don't know where to take this.

And it's nice to know that you can skip that agony part and hand it off and see what somebody else and he may not have the answer but he could get you to where you need to go it's fun i think the same way with dan too like the three of us together again we are an established thing already and unit but i love how the three of us fit together on this show too is like such a wonderful symbiosis writing a song as a collaboration is is you know i think one of the most fun things about the way that we work in writing is uh truly treating it like a puzzle there's a lot there's enough i think forgive me if i'm overstating this but there's enough like mutual respect and you know uh shared sensibility of certain things that um you know we early in the

process of working together had to get over i had to get over a couple of ego hurdles but like once you can kind of push that out and realize that the kicking back and forth and the punching up and everything is really there's a puzzle to be solved here you're only working in service of making this thing better to the best that you can make it. It's fun. And I like getting in somebody else's head, too. I like going, soaking up Ted Leo-ism, what does that feel like? Soaking up Ted Leo-ism.

It feels drunk in New Jersey. All right, let's take it back to another story, shall we, Dan? Ready? This was sent in by Nick Bowes, B-O-W-E-S, at ChefNick80. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. I'm sure he listens to this while he's cooking. I'd love to try his food.

Okay. Grand Haven. He's a chef at a Chipotle. Great. I love Chipotle. I know you do, Dan. Grand Haven, Michigan. A man now living in Indiana.

So? So he's not allowed in a whole state. Right. Well, you live here now. Not an Indiana man. A man now living in Indiana. That says so much about you. That's the question, what happened?

What'd you do? Not bad enough to make him move to California. No. It's like 90 miles down the road. He's one state away. Grand Haven, Michigan. A man now living in Indiana is suing his parents after he says they destroyed his porn collection. You know what?

Everybody has a line. That's right. And sometimes relationships do deserve to be burned. That's right. Don't you cross that. Fox 17 is choosing to identify the plaintiff in this story as Charlie, as the civil case without any, as this is a civil case. The enemy from Vietnam?

The enemy of the state. Or the chocolate factory, which is probably one of the points that he owned. It sounds like I pre-planned that joke. I did not. We walked backwards into that, which is also a plot point for me. Did not plan on that either. I'm learning jokes as I say the setup. We walked backwards into the chocolate.

The Oompa Loompa numbers. They're called Loompa Oompas. They're choosing to identify The plaintiff in this story As Charlie Come on me And you'll see In a world of Pure ejaculation

Okay This is a civil case Without any associated Criminal charges So they don't want to Give the guy's name The case dates back to October 2016

I think we all remember where we were. We all know where we were when Barack was around. The case dates back to October 2016, which was also a good time of year if you're a Cubs fan. According to a lawsuit filed this week, Charlie moved into his parents'

home in Grand Haven after going through a divorce from his wife. Maybe it's because of the porn collection. Charlie apparently stayed for 10 months in their home doing housework in lieu of paying rent. That's a lot of housework. I bet he didn't do much housework. That's a fair assumption.

Let me ask you this, Mom. Are my socks still in the living room? Who cleaned up my socks? I did. That was work I did in this house. You know what he said a lot to his parents? You're welcome. Right.

You guys are lucky I'm here with that completely unfounded reasoning. You guys are lucky I'm here. That door was locked and I unlocked it. He must have said a lot of, like, is there you

down in that room yet? Don't come in here! No! Just cleaning. Cleaning something. Doing my housework. Oh, I have a collection. Polishing something in here. It's housework. I have a collection. Polishing something in here.

It's a bedpost. It's a bedpost. He was there for 10 months doing housework in lieu of payment. He was asked to leave after police had to be called to the house in August 2017 for a domestic situation. Yeah. That would be 10 months. Oh, my God. His parents allegedly traveled to

I'm sorry. Yes, they did. His parents allegedly traveled in November 2017 to his new place. They either went there or they didn't go there. In Indiana to drop off possessions he had left at their home. Okay. Allegedly these people really don't want to get sued whoever wrote this. Allegedly missing from the items

they brought, Charlie's massive pornography collection. That's what he calls it. Massive. By the way, he couldn't put that in a storage space. You had to bring that into mom and dad's house. Charlie says his parents told them that they

Charlie says his parents told them they destroyed his entire collection. A collection that consisted of over 12 moving boxes full of movies. Whoa. The Ottawa County- I mean, I know people who collect records, and they've got like 10,000 records.

I'm like, can you enjoy 10,000 records? You can't. Dude, get a fucking- What did Biggie say? Internet account? Yes. What did Biggie say? Catch the net, bro.

That's right. There's your 12 boxes in one little box. Well, what is that? Biggie said, mo' money shots, mo' problems. What is that woman who's trying to clear the clutter? She's like, if you haven't put it on in a year, and it doesn't bring you joy. It's not sparking joy. And you haven't come all over it.

You got to get rid of it. Get rid of it. The Ottawa County Sheriff's Office was eventually called about the destroyed items. Charlie filed a police report estimating the value of his collection to be how much? Oh! How much do you guys think? He's estimating it. Remember, if he's suing, he's going to estimate high.

Remember, he's calling his porn collection massive. Do we think that he's actually like some kind of, like there's vintage? I don't know. You know, like original. He's an asshole. He's a vintage asshole. You know you are. Yes, you can go first, take third or fourth, wherever you want to go.

In this thing. It's up to you. If you don't want to go first, you don't have to. Quarter of a million dollars. Oh my God. $250,000. He's got some really over okay right he's bringing a lawsuit he's a narcissist yeah and then he's he's aiming high okay no pun intended oh come on come on i'm sure oh boy all right i uh i'm gonna i'm gonna go All right. I'm going to go with...

I kind of want to land in the same spot, but I'll say $275,000. $275,000? Jason, I'm going to say $25,000. Okay. I'm going to say $62,000. Okay. This guy's aiming high. It's definitely...

12 is a lot. He estimated, in the police report, it was estimated, which would be him, it's definitely 12 movies that's a lot he estimated in the police report it was estimated which would be him estimated the value of his collection to be

$28,940 $28,940 $28,940 $28,940 $28,940 $28,940 I'll take it $28,940

hold on $28,940 and this is where the asshole part comes in, and $0.72. Why? He estimated it to that. So he calculated it all up. He wanted it to seem real. Yeah, I just figured this guy would go way high just because he's really trying to screw his parents over. For $29,000, I'd much prefer just never having to discuss it with my parents. Just pretend it never existed. just because he's really trying to screw his parents over. Which is another video in that class. I'd much prefer just never having to discuss it with my parents.

Just pretend it never existed. The prosecutor's office declined to file charges against his parents. They were like, no, we're not doing this. I mean, the crazy thing is his parents could have charged him $2,900 for rent per month. For 10 months, and there you go. There you go. Just a month after Right. For 10 months and there you go. There you go. Then you're on it. Just a month after filing a police report,

Charlie apparently began corresponding with his father via email, which is already... I only talked to my father. Guys, you're done. You're done.

Your father and son were only talking via email. You're done. I have more email conversations with Amazon telling him in part, quote, if you had a problem

with my belongings, you should have stated that at the time and I would have gone elsewhere. Like he had somewhere else to go. This guy thinks he can set terms. Right. This is not your house. It is not your house.

I am really just surprised. I'm setting the terms. I'm surprised that this guy got divorced. I'm sorry. It was like a walk in the park. He's very reasonable. Instead, you chose to keep quiet and behave vindictively. His father, according to the lawsuit, responded, quote,

Fuck you. I would have done the same if I had found a kilo of crack cocaine. Someday, I hope you will understand. Wow. He's saying I would have saved you is what he's saying. Yeah, exactly. Also, he's saying a gram would be fine. So I think this goes back to the divorce because this has like a sex addict kind of thing.

Could be. He's like, I maybe can open the door for you to meet someone new. Right. And there's plenty of ways to be sex positive. Because I couldn't open the door before because there was so much porn. Right. 12 boxes worth. I just like that if it had been two grams of cocaine, his dad would have been like, come on over.

Let's rekindle this relationship. I found your little gram of cocaine. A kilo of crack. Charlie's father said in one email that his son was allegedly kicked out of high school and college for selling porn to other students. This is his lifestyle. This guy's a big, yeah, this is a weird,

this is a whole. He does have a collection. I think this guy wasn't reported on by Legs McNeil. Saying in the document, quote, I also warned you at that time. If I ever found pornography in my house again, I would destroy it. OK, so he did warn. He told him.

Verbal contract. He told him. Verbal contract. It's like you watch you watch like that movie Some Kind of Wonderful back in the 80s. You're like, yeah, man, what's this guy's dad talking about? Then later you watch it like as a parent or as an older person. You're like yeah you shouldn't have spent your college savings on a ring for this girl who doesn't even want you like

what do you do earrings what are you doing earrings the dad is right charlie on the dad's side apparently feeling the situation unresolved reached back out to investigators allegedly sending one officer 44 emails worth of movies he said were destroyed, listing many as valuable out-of-print films, writing, not just out-of-print, but the entire studio making it dissolved, and that was 20 years ago. So maybe we're talking like Super 8s and stuff. We probably are.

Zapruder porn? Although, if you told me that in the adult entertainment industry, production companies fold regularly, I'd be like, yeah, I believe that. Like, this also could have been two years ago. Like, hey, they're not in the game anymore. That company folded. You mean like every other porn company? Right. The prosecutor's office again declined filing charges.

They keep telling him, like, dude. Like, nope. Stop. We don't care. It's not happening. First of all, possession is nine tenths of the law. You took this to your parents' house and left it there. And he also told you, I'll destroy it if I ever

have porn in my house. Don't bring it. You brought it. And you didn't do the dishes. That's how they end every email. You still didn't do those dishes. Washing them is not the same as washing them, putting them in the dishwasher, and then running it. So, we've all made mistakes.

The officer is like, let me explain something to you. Your email comes in. We see that it is from you. We immediately delete it. That's our process. We will get out of here on this because Charlie is now suing his parents

in damages for how much money? Porn Collections, $28,000, $29,000. See, I went way too high. There's some emotional damage though in this. Yeah, but we don't know who this guy is. This is real closeout

story number two. A lot of emails. I'm going $100,000. $100,000. I'm still going high. He's mad. He thinks he can extract. Ted, you can go last.

You don't have to. I'm going to defer at least one spot. Okay, go ahead, Jay. I'm going to say $50,000. $50,000 from Jason. Double it up. I'm going to go $75,000. $50,000 from Jason. Double it up. I'm going to go $75,000.

$75,000. Yeah. From Randy. Triple it. Okay, so so far we have $100,000. $50,000 and $75,000. $50,000 and $75,000. Ted, what are you feeling?

I'm going to go $30,000. $30,000? Okay. Okay. So you're saying he wants back basically what he's lost. Yes. Yeah. He's not that reasonable.

Oh, wait a minute. Sorry. That's right, because the collection was almost $28,000. So now he's including the MN. Sure. 40. Yeah, dude. Stick it to him.

Charlie is now suing his parents. And then we will move on to story number three. Suing his parents for a total of $86,822. Oh, my God. Amy Lee Williams. The high one wins. The high one wins. The high one wins. And also,

he's asshole-ish about it. $86,822.16. Screw this guy. Screw this guy so hard. I want to know the math on that. That is another point. That's another one

of the episodes. Screw this guy so hard. Give us a tease on the last one because we got to get wrapping on this one. We have a harmless mystery in Mississippi.

Okay, here we go. This is Mississippi kind of burning. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more in Old People Town. All right, everybody.

Welcome back to the show. We are here with the great Amy Mann and the great Ted Leo. They have a podcast like we mentioned before called The Art of Process.

Please check it out as they sort of delve into people's creative processes and go see them live i don't know if you guys have any fun live dates coming up we both have separate uh we're both touring a little bit this summer separately okay great so go to amyman.com yeah i've got yeah i've got stuff in on the east coast in july and got some uh midwest and East Coast stuff in August. I love it. Okay. Go to man.com, tedleo.com. And go to danielvankirk.com to check out all of his live dates.

Yeah, I'm on tour. The East Coast, the Northeast, and the Midwest. Go to danielvankirk.com. Superscleros.com for us. All right, let's jump into this last story. Are you ready? Yes. Sent in by sleepless underscore sama.

That is at sleepless underscore Sama. S-A-M-A. My favorite Meg Ryan movie. Sleepless Sama. Sleepless Sama. Sleepless and Sama. It's a mashed Mississippi mystery. Jackson residents were mystified after bowls of mashed potatoes suddenly appeared on their

cars, porches, and mailboxes. This is Close Encounters, right? That's right. Yeah. When it was the thing, the Devil's Tower.ches, and mailboxes. This is Close Encounters, right? That's right. When it was the thing, the Devil's Tower? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now it's just heaps of mashed potatoes. Oh, my God.

Have you made mashed potatoes recently? I've done it, and it's... By the way, that's just the type of thing to really unnerve you, is to see a bowl of mashed potatoes. It's a Johnny Appleseed of mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes, yeah. It's absolutely inexplicable. There's no circumstance

in which you can imagine why that would be there. You could have a bowl of mashed potatoes just magically appear on your desk. My first thought would be like, what did I do?

What did I do to deserve that? Who did I upset? This is more than one bowl. Right. Round town. Round town. Yeah. Round town bowls.

Yeah. Round town. Jackson residents were mystified at the bowl suddenly appeared on their cars, porches, and mailbox. Jordan Lewis described the Bell Haven neighborhood as a quirky one with residents decorating road signs and putting Christmas trees in potholes.

So this is a fun town. Yeah. This is like a fun neighborhood. Fun town. Fun town. Fun town. Fun town. Translation, a lot of drunk people.

Potatoes making a little more sense. Potato. Edging nearer sense. Dad is going to put christmas tree somewhere but the probe into the puzzling potato problem is new even for them probe into the puzzling potato problem from that other guy's porn collection yeah the puzzling potato problem was part of that deep-rooted collection the probe from the puzzling potato problem also hilarious. I got probed. Lewis told WLBT TV she spotted her first bowl of mashed potatoes

on her car's windshield. Quote, I walked outside yesterday morning at 7 a.m. and I got in my car and that's when I noticed a white bowl on my windshield. It was full of rainwater. I threw it away and I was grossed out by it, she said. Quote,

I thought this is a harmless prank by some kids or college students in the area michael or michaela lynn said she found a bowl of mashed potatoes on her mailbox she said some of the potato finders have connections to belhaven university a local private christian university which may be a clue what i don't know what does that mean? There's a college in town, so they think kids are in the- Those Christians and their mashed potatoes, right? Potato pranks? Sure.

Well, remember when Jesus- Yeah, you got to put it above your door. Right. Otherwise- You smear a little- And they pass over your house. And they know that not to kill your firstborn. Yeah, I understand.

We know that part of the Bible. Yes. It's the Old Testament. So far, I've realized some of the victims of the mashed potatoes are actually staff or bellhaven students or alumni i feel like there has to be a connection there michaela lynn said i don't think so you just live in a college town where everybody either went to or works at or is going to the school cinematically this feels very paul thomas anderson i'm sorry sure like this can't be one of those things Cinematically You It's like crane up And look down at the bowl

Of mashed potatoes And it's Mashed potatoes all over town All over town Question Hard bowl Or take out bowl Ooh

That's such a good question White bowl is what we know so far That's all we know White bowl Yeah so that makes me think Hard bowl Hard bowl I mean if it's a hard bowl

And also On your windshield Yeah It's i mean if it's a container and also on your windshield yeah it's tilting yeah there's a tilt to it's gonna be tilting towards the front of the car like some kind of that earthquake maybe yeah maybe do you call it earthquake putty some people i hate this it's rampant in the city some people were thinking maybe the mashed potatoes were poisoned to kill animals i don't think that no way um oh that's i'm sorry i skipped a line however sebastian bajernagard i tried said some residents feel there's a more sinister message behind the potato than they do the animal thing noting he

almost stepped in a bowl of potatoes tuesday but then he just says i didn't taste it which definitely means he tasted it so i didn't taste it no one definitely means he tasted it. He tasted it. He tasted it. I didn't taste it. No one asked you if you tasted it. I think they're trying to kill animals. I almost stepped in one yesterday. I did not taste it. I didn't taste it.

Whoa, whoa. But this is a switch. Bastion. Because now the potatoes are on the ground. Yeah. So they're not always in a raised position. Right. Which, by the way, could be

a code phrase for we don't understand what's going on here. Guys, the potatoes are on the ground on this one. I have no idea. When the potato's on the ground, we just don't have a clue, guys. The potatoes are on the ground.

We've got spots on the ground that's a 405 so this is his full quote uh noting that he almost stepped into a bowl of potatoes on two so bold potatoes on the ground and then he goes quote i didn't taste it i have a three second rule so i didn't touch it but some people were worried so by the way if he would have dumped them on the ground if it was in with within three seconds he's definitely eating them. If they're in the bowl. I know. Yeah. It's in the bowl.

It's in the bowl. It's not on the ground. Yeah, it doesn't kick in. But he's saying he would eat a loose potato should it fall. By the way, loose potatoes. Another video from the board. Also, he's saying that if he had watched the person put the potatoes on the ground and could get to them within three seconds he would have eaten that's right he's giving you what his his window

is it was not immediately clear if anyone has eaten the potatoes guys mississippi chill out nobody ate them well i just want to know i just want to know, I'm here. I'm here from the local news station. I just want to know if anyone's eaten these potatoes. That makes me think you're the one who put them there. Yeah. But did they? And if they did eat them, did you see they like? Did you like what I made?

I mean, did you like see anybody? Right. It was not immediately clear if anyone is eating the potatoes. News outlets reported residents have not alerted law enforcement. Cops aren't even involved. This is just the news in a weird ass neighborhood with potatoes going around that maybe Christian kids are doing, which also makes it even more bizarre to me. I love this.

I like this gag. This is like a bump up of crop circles. I like this gag. Leave some potatoes around. That's it. That's our story. There you go. I ask all of our townies, if you're in Mississippi, or if you're the one doing it, send us your potatoes.

Is Ed Ellington in Mississippi? Our buddy Ed Ellington's in Mississippi. Ed Ellington, if you're listening to this show, get to the bottom. Get to the bottom of this. Who loves the mashed potato bowl? Do they taste good? Have you tried them? Taste them. Definitely taste them. That's what we advise.

And go see, subscribe to The Art of Process with Ted Leo and Amy Mann. Listen to our episode that we did with them. You can start there and move all around. It's a great podcast. Go see them live. You won't regret it.

You really, really are going to love yourself. Two amazing artists. And if they ever play together. And then listen to them on the old live episodes of this show, if you haven't already. Thank you guys so much for doing this show. Thank you. Loved having you. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work.

Stick around. Make a sound. Longer down. It's Dumb People Town. A podcast network.