Dumb People Town - Andrew Youngblood - Coke On A Boat
Episode Date: April 16, 2024Comedian Andrew Youngblood (I'll Tell You This) stops by as Randy explains how a doctor was arrested after porn was shot on his yacht, Daniel describes how doctors removed bugs from a Florida man's no...se, and Jason warns against throwing Oreos at your wife during an argument, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Better Help and Faherty! Find your social sweet spot, with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month. For listeners of the show, Faherty Brand is offering 20% off your first order when you go to fahertybrand.com/dpt enter the promo code 20DPT at checkout.
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Hey, townies.
Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town.
Population you.
Population Youngblood.
Hey, everybody.
Andrew Youngblood.
What's up, dude?
Yeah, there he is.
Get your finger out of his shot.
I'm pointing at myself.
He's pointing at himself.
I know, but earlier when we were doing the Dumb People Town time i was trying to see if i could hit all you who's got two thumbs and young blood
and a new special coming out this guy over here double point like that yeah what's that i mean
one point of the two of you and i get you you're from texas hook him horns
i don't really i don't he does i like like sports, but I'm just not a college.
It's a college.
Wait, really quick, just for fun.
Tell them what you did for the NFL playoffs.
Very short.
Because you're a fucking crazy person.
The Houston Texans.
The Houston Texans were good when no one thought they were good.
Watch this.
This is an hour before the Texans game.
Sure.
Right?
The playoff.
It was a wild card weekend, right?
And I don't know what I was going through, but I go, I think I want to do something crazy
this weekend.
So an hour in.
I don't know what I was going through.
I call my friend.
I go, hey, man, do you want to go to a playoff game this weekend?
He goes, it's like about to start.
I go, well, I'll just go on game time and grab them.
Thank you.
Game time.
Shout out to them.
So we get the tickets.
We go. You get tickets.
Easy.
And so we get there.
I missed the first quarter. Two people with heart
attacks. The Texans
murder them. It's killer. It was awesome.
Incredible. And
on the way to the game, I go, I have this idea.
And he goes, what is it? I go, what if
we go to a game today? Because it's
Saturday. We drive to Dallas. We go to the Dallas game tomorrow to a game today? Because it's Saturday. We drive to Dallas.
We go to the Dallas game tomorrow.
What?
Then we hop on a plane.
We go to Buffalo.
And we watch the Buffalo game.
Because the Buffalo game hit the phone one day.
Because of the snow.
Because of the snow.
I went to every single game.
You know, people who want to travel into a blizzard.
Yeah, I did.
So Andrew went.
I got stuck there for a day, too.
Andrew went.
Texan Saturday.
Cowboys Sunday. Sunday. Watched them Sunday, which was a huge disappointment because that's
his number one team.
That's my team.
But he's from Rochester, so Buffalo is his secondary team.
Oh, yeah.
And you get to watch them lose.
No, they won.
They won.
They lost the next one.
But here's the thing.
This story tells me one thing and one thing only.
I am manic.
I don't have kids.
I do have kids. He does have kids. What are you talking about? I'm talking about. I am manic. I don't have kids. I do have kids.
He does have kids.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
He's got kids.
Andrew's got two kids.
I've got two kids.
So then.
I have a very forgiving wife.
Andrew, we talk, I mean, it's Dumb People Town.
Going to a game that is already being moved because of a blizzard.
Oh, yeah.
And then when you get there, how was it?
Did you just sit on snow?
Yeah, it was crazy.
Well, that was the snow game
it was snow everywhere because they were like hiring people to like to walk through to walk
through the rows i thought there was a deal where you people paid to be able to have okay you live
in houston it's never ever that cold never do you even have snow gear to like oh no no no i'm
wearing like penny loafers i go to walmart i buy buy boots. I buy gloves. It's not enough.
I freeze my ass off.
Also, going to Walmart, perfect for dumb people's health.
It's not enough.
Bought an air gun.
By the way, it's not enough could be the Buffalo Bills story.
It's not enough.
It was so cold that I literally watched.
It's so cold.
I watched my water bottle freeze in front of me.
It was in my hand and it's freezing.
I watched my dreams slip away. It was wild.
This is crazy. Andrew's not afraid
to do dumb shit. My balls
shrivel up. It was so cold.
So, alright, we're going to get into the story because that's
dumb. That's a perfect... He gets it. You know how like
when it is this cold and we've all
lived in cold weather. It's like you started the car while we were
still in the house. So you got to goose it a little bit.
We say it every show. The Andrew's
getting dumber and we are here to just make jokes.
He just goosed this show.
All right.
You ready?
This is sent in by Matthew Friedman at Not Your Average Matt.
You know you send in a lot when you've reached.
You guys all know this guy.
You know this guy.
People go on Twix, Twitter X, and they send us stories from The local stuff
I also have dreams
That productivity for people who love this show
Productivity at their department and their job
Is so low because
I want them just being like
Fuck it I hate my job
Do you know how much time you waste just
Scrolling through shit late at night
These people are just
They're like looking for us So they go twitter at daniel van kirk at sclar brothers
hashtag don't people they send it we have a few people who are just they're diehard they are
fucking senior editors for the dumb people town gazette and they uh so this is a crazy story
there is like one moment in that i don't love i'm just gonna stay from the get-go trigger warning
you're saying or just you don't like it. So my triggery,
but like it's so crazy.
I have a trigger warning for my story.
Shake it out of shake it.
Triggery.
All right,
you ready?
Here we go.
Okay.
Here is the headline.
Okay.
So this is on from September,
last September partiers on Nantucket yacht had been making pornographic films
before Doc's arrest. Doc being a doctor who owned the Nantucket Yacht had been making pornographic films before Doc's arrest.
Doc being a doctor who
owned the Nantucket Yacht. So before
a doctor got arrested,
they made pornographic films
on a Nantucket
Yacht. There once was a yacht from
Nantucket. Is it illegal to make
He said, let me hold this camera while you
fuck it. Is it
illegal to make porn on a boat?
No.
Okay.
I mean, I think he's getting arrested for something else.
Have you ever seen the show Below Deck?
Yeah.
Below Deck?
The party yacht of the retired doctor who was busted for drugs and guns played host
to a weekend of porno filming, according to a newly obtained document.
Isn't this a Warren Zevon't like They need to call it amateur
Sex films
Because I don't think these people are sex workers
I don't think this is professional pornography
I don't think they got everyone to sign a release
There was a release on there
What was it filmed on?
If it's cell phone that's not real
5D
5D
Any comic
Here it is You're like, they have a 5D. You get a 5D. 5D, you're good. Any comic.
So here it is.
A tainted document that revealed more details about the salacious case.
Okay.
Authorities raided Scott Burke's yacht.
Dr. Burke's. How big was Scott Burke's?
Scott Burke's yacht is so big.
How big is Scott Burke's?
It wasn't me.
It was a three-armed man.
I did not kill my wife.
I did not have sex with my wife.
I was cocked.
How big is Scott Burke's yacht?
This is like, again.
Oh, they say?
Oh, yeah.
They tell you how long it is.
42 feet?
What do you think?
What are we dealing with here?
I'm thinking 75 foot.
A raid sounds like there's like 15 people coming.
By the way, Dan, can I just tell you that Andrew wins the description of a yacht?
Because you said 45 feet.
42.
42 feet.
42 feet.
He gave a I know yacht length type description.
I'd say 75 foot.
Yeah.
You know, I've been on a yacht.
Yeah, but also he also referred to it in the female persuasion.
I'd say she's probably.
That's how you know you're talking to a boat person.
I like a boat.
85, 90 foot.
Andrew, actually.
She's 75 foot.
Andrew loves a boat.
It's my favorite.
On the water is where I would like to die.
You're Christopher Cross.
I love water.
Or have sex.
That would be great.
Or make a porno.
Or retire as a doctor.
You're David Crosby.
I'm doing all that after this.
You don't get seasick at all?
No.
I love it.
There's something about the water.
It's like calming to me.
I don't, I like, I get on a boat and I'll like, I always rent them because I'm pretty poor.
And, uh.
Well, it's also, even if you're rich, I would say great call.
Great call.
You don't have to moor it.
You don't have to dock it.
You don't have to clean it.
Ask Latrell Sprewell how owning a yacht turned out for him.
Well, you know what they say about owning a boat?
The two days that you love it most are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. Well, you know what they say about owning a boat? The two days that you love it most are the
day you buy it and the day you sell it. Right. That is literally
the thing about owning a boat. Damn it. Andrew and I have done a
cocktail cruise in Hawaii when we did
Waikiki. About 75 foot?
That's what he said. That's literally how he said it.
I think she's coming in at 75 foot. Jay, what do you
think? 60 foot. Okay.
Cancer answers it. Can I just do it
first for anybody else? Because it's going to happen at some point in the story.
It doesn't have context, but I want to be the first one. We're going to cancer. Can I just do it first for anybody else? Cause it's going to happen at some point in this story. It doesn't have context,
but I want to be the first one.
We're going to need a bigger dick.
Okay.
At some point,
someone's making that joke.
Someone filming.
I want it to be.
I needed bigger day.
All right.
His Scott Burke,
open up your jaws.
Scott Burke's yacht.
82 foot.
Oh,
pretty close.
I said 60 foot.
It's called the Jess Con.
Okay.
Jess Con.
Okay.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
He tricked a woman.
Yeah, that's where he got the body.
Or CNN is Connecticut.
That's when he gets arrested.
I only con women named Jessica.
Jess Con.
And that works.
This work commemorates that.
On September 5th, after they notified by a man whose female friend was on the boat and
called him over FaceTime.
This is the thing that bothered me.
Citing the Nantucket Police Department for a search warrant that like, you got to get out here.
There's some crazy stuff going on on this boat.
It's with this woman.
She told the male friends they were doing drugs all weekend long.
Yeah.
And so.
What a narc.
She is kind of a narc.
People on the boat had been making.
And she said people on the boat had been making pornographic films.
I just love that she's still getting service. be fair this is a jealous lady well i will say
though to be fair if you signed up for just a like party party as we all think about it and it turns
into sex hardcore drug party you have nowhere to go and that does suck because most parties you
could go oh not my scene i'm leaving she was. She was like, I'm on a boat.
True, however.
It's like the Always Sunny, the implications.
Yes.
You can't do it.
True, however, if you don't know who this guy is,
and you're getting on a boat, I'd say, like,
you got to be a little more careful than that to be like,
I'm getting on a boat.
So a townie and a pen pal offered me the opportunity to go.
On a boat?
On a boat to go swim in a cage with great white sharks.
That sounds awesome.
Now, I agree.
See, he loves it.
I agree.
I would do it.
Here's the deal.
It takes a day and a half to get to where they are and a day and a half back.
And as Randy's saying to me, and this is nothing against the townie.
They may be awesome, wonderful.
I'm sure they are.
Porno filming, drug using people that I would love okay retire doctors but i'm like three days on a boat that's already hard
for me with my claustrophobia you know your limits there you go and i don't know these i don't know
anybody so you're right they could feed you they could open the shark valve you want to go to a
party at a bar go but you're right this is very true
that if it's on a boat you need to have a better grasp on a little bit of an escape
but if you know the guy you gotta know that this guy's got guns and drugs or but what if like you
want to come on my boat it's my friend he's a doctor he's a partier you're gonna love it
that's still not enough for a boat is Who is this guy? A retired doctor?
Oh, yeah.
Let me hang out with this 78-year-old guy.
How many foot is his boat?
Well, listen to me.
82 foot.
I also think there is a scenario where there's sex going on, and she's like, can I jump in
on that?
And they're like, we're good.
We only have-
What guys remember when we-
Then she rats him out?
Then she rats him out.
She's like, I'm not being included.
They're doing it.
This isn't a three-way scene.
I don't think that's what happened.
I think she probably maybe had some drugs and was like, oh God, they're filming sex
stuff here.
I want to get off.
Literally.
I don't want to get off.
I don't want to get off.
Yeah.
The drugs user board, the Jesscon included, you want to guess?
I mean, heroin, coke.
Coke, for sure.
Coke, for sure.
Ecstasy.
Olly, C.
Yep, good call.
Adderall and?
Liquor.
No, ketamine.
Coke is the most boat drug there is.
Right?
You do coke on a boat.
On a yacht, that's where you're doing it.
That's how it got to you.
You don't see a lot of people just smoking weed on a yacht.
Dude, coke on a boat could be the name. On a sailboat.
It's the new Pope on a Rove. It's the new Elf on
a Shelf for like degenerate. Coke on a boat.
Did you move the Coke on a boat? They're gonna wake up
and it's gonna be in the same spot.
Where's my Coke? Move the pile
of Coke on the boat. Were you a bad boy last
night? Put it up near the steering wheel.
Kids are gonna wake up.
The Coke on a boat. It's the Elf on a Shelf
for a 28-year-old degenerate Wall Street banker.
Also, it would really greatly increase the craziness of the next morning of what the Coke did.
Where's my Coke?
Where's my Coke?
Where's my Coke?
It moved in the middle of the night.
Oh, honey, get up.
Get up.
Oh, look.
The Coke started a business plan that they'll never invent.
The Coke.
The Coke.
Do you know the Coke drove us 50 miles off course?
It's right by the steering
wheel was it there last night no i put it right over here well it moved it moved that's the magic
of the yacht coke several prostitutes were also on the yacht sources previously all right so if
you go workers if you show up and you see sex workers on the boat and it's not the super bowl
what if you didn't know you didn't know their sex
what do you do know they were going to be what do you do for a living i'm self-employed
burke who is and we'll get to his we'll get to his age later because it is so appropriate
was arrested in nantucket harbor on drug trafficking weapons charges like hey if you're
going to go have a pornographic drugfilled thing maybe make sure all the guns
are registered right do you know what i'm saying you don't need every scene from boogie nights
where's where is nantucket it's off of like it's near martha's vineyard and the cape it's the cape
okay okay yeah you know not cape canaveral that's down in florida it's like the show wings right
right so on reference drug trafficking and weapons charges
after cops found a trove of guns and hard drugs on the luxurious lot when police initially tried
to talk with the married father he was extremely uncooperative things don't matter literally well
if he's not with his wife false equivalency sort of false equivalency. I would say this is dumb writing. There are so many people who enjoy wild, crazy sex.
That was definitely a dig, though.
Dan's right.
That's what I'm saying.
There's so many people who enjoy insane, crazy, wild sex and still know how to make lunch
for their kids.
Right.
Like, there are people that are like, and then also to go married.
There's so many people who are married that do insane, crazy sex together.
No.
Or separate, and the partner's cool.
I think what they're saying is that the wife wasn't here.
Exactly.
She was not here for them.
He was extremely uncooperative and was placed in handcuffs and detained due to his behavior,
people said, the police said, in an affidavit obtained by a local outlet.
He told officers that the woman who overdosed, a woman who overdosed.
Well, now we have a problem.
Had been working for him only a few weeks and that her female friend was also staying
on the boat.
Hey, if your boss says come on the boat and do drugs.
Yeah, don't do it.
The former doctor.
Wait, he's.
He's retired.
He's retired.
What's he doing now?
Use that later for age.
Yes, guys.
Use that later for age.
Wait, wait.
But who who's working for him now?
What is he doing that he now has employees?
The answer is horse.
Yeah. I was going to say, i'm pretty sure he has a production company
he's making boat porn where's my coke where's my coke it's on the boat the former doctor denied
okay so hold on i told officers so hard to get your rhythm former doctor initially denied knowing
that illegal drugs were on the yacht so he's like good call what what illegal drugs i didn't see
anybody you know people were acting a little weird So he's like, what illegal drugs? I didn't see anybody.
You know, people were acting a little weird,
but that's just maybe they were seasick.
Yeah.
And the two women also denied that they were aware of illegal drugs,
although one of them claimed
she had a prescription for Adderall.
Get in line, buddy.
Okay, a search of the yacht.
Now we're going to find out how much was in it.
Now we're going to find the coke on the yacht.
How much?
Coke on the boat.
Okay.
How many grams of cocaine? Coke on the boat okay how many grams of cocaine coke on the boat how much well it sounds like this party consisted of what somewhere between six and eight people right it's a handful of people how much coke a
gaggle how much boat coke do you need how much is a gram that's just like a little bag right
that's just like the little like the one you find on a bar floor right yeah i've seen that at a bar before yeah you heard about that you shake it you shake it like this and yeah pull
a red picture yeah i'm gonna go is this crazy 20 grams i don't know i'm thinking that's low
yes so what do you need to go a kilo you got a full k i mean not me ever but i've seen people
do a whole thing yeah you're right i went to a bachelor party and they had a pile of Coke.
I mean, a little, like a little, like a mountain, a mountain.
So I'm thinking a science fair volcano size of Coke.
Yeah, so small one where the kid's going to get a C plus.
A Benihana onion.
Yes, that size.
Lit up onion tower of Coke.
That is a perfect description of the size of Coke.
Of the boat Coke?
Yeah, and then they toss a little Coke into your mouth and you have to catch it.
He tosses a little bit into his own pocket.
So I don't know what that is.
I'm still going 20 because I don't know.
Do we know how long the cruise is?
I think it was a three-hour cruise.
All right.
No, I think it was more than that.
It's got to be like a day.
Two days.
Two days, six, eight people.
Let's go. I'm going 50. 50 grams. Two days, six, eight people. Let's go.
I'm going 50.
50 grams.
What do you think?
So I was going to say a pound, but that's not how they're measured.
No.
I'm going to say a full kilo.
So 60.
Oh, yeah.
A full kilo.
I don't know how much that is.
Just go with their description.
Aaron, you got to help.
100 grams.
I'll say 100 grams.
100 grams.
Okay.
Get your answers in town.
We need to start a Dumb People Town corrections department.
I know. You ready? How many grams of cocaine was found on the boat? 43 grams, okay. Get your answers in town. We need to start a Dumb People Town corrections department. I know.
You ready?
How many grams of cocaine was found on the boat?
43 grams of cocaine.
Whoa!
I'm going to look it up.
Andrew knows how to party.
He loves boats.
He loves boats.
All right, how many grams of ketamine, just for the fun of it?
You don't need more than 10, right?
Right, so is that what you say, 10?
I'll go 11.
I'll go final 10.
I didn't know you could mix those.
I thought people died. Well, you can't, but the thing is, there's a whole many here. Some people are doing one. and 10 right so is that we say 10 i'll go 11 i'll go final i didn't know you could mix those i
thought people died well you can't but the thing is some people are doing one although i'm sure
you probably can who knows how many grams of coke in a kilo yeah let me guess a thousand thousand
there you go all right so how many uh ketamine i think it's got to be less we're going i'm going
20 grams of ketamine 20 grams you said 11 how many is i mean how many
what do you normally go through in a day i go through when it's like during the school year
it's a weekend are you talking like a weekday versus a weekend long weekend long weekend
i'm gonna say 30 grams okay get your answers in 14 grams of ketamine. I know my Kata.
A.380 pistol.
Three 30-round 9mm magazines in case pirates come on the boat.
That's for when you're paranoid and you think this guy's trying to steal your mound of coke.
Pirates still exist.
I'm just saying.
And a 12-round magazine in a 9mm pistol, according to the police report.
Multiple rounds of ammo were also found on the yachts. This is too many guns. Bedroom floor.
It didn't sound like that many guns.
Where are my slippers? They're right
underneath all the ammo on the floor.
Yeah, this is ridiculous. Earlier they described
it as a trove of guns and that
seems like way more than three. Three. Right?
Well, maybe they were saying a trove of drugs and guns.
This is where it's weird. Burke, whose lawyer
said he has terminal cancer, allegedly admitted that the firearms were his. So he's going out in a trove of drugs and guns. This is where it's weird. Burke, whose lawyer said he has terminal cancer,
allegedly admitted that the firearms were his.
So he's going out in a blaze of glory.
Yeah, yeah.
He told police he has a license to carry,
but authorities said that he had a license to carry in Florida,
and it expired September 2022.
I'm all for responsible gun ownership,
but much like drinking and driving,
don't bring the guns near the mount don't don't
drugs and guns never those only don't even bring guns to any party did you not watch scarface okay
all right how he how he posted bail how much was the bail eighty thousand dollars what do you think
two hundred thousand what do you think fifty one of you is exactly right oh so So do you think now you get to play the game?
Yeah, you get to stay.
You get to play the game.
Either stay or go to someone else's if you think that they're a little bit better.
I'm staying with mine.
What'd you say?
200.
What'd you say?
80.
80.
You said 50.
I'm going to say, I'm going to stay.
Okay.
I'm going to stay.
I'm going to stay with me, too.
I think he's a doctor and they were nice to him.
Yeah.
You know, like.
First offense.
Yeah, probably.
Does it say?
Get your answers.
I don't know his first offense, but he posted say get your answers i don't know but he posted bail two hundred thousand
i know about bails he pled i pled or pleaded they say pleaded but i think it's funny pleaded
not guilty that's what it said to the drug and gun raps burke who has homes in florida and
colorado previously ran a spine and
rehabilitation clinic online
record show. Dad, you could have loved him.
Lay on your stomach.
Lay on your stomach and I'll do some things here.
He then founded, this is where he
founded Injury Finance,
a Colorado-based medical insurance company
that provides lien services for
third-party liability claims about
two decades ago, according to his LinkedIn
profile.
I'm going to show you a picture of the boat just so you can see it.
Whoa.
Nice boat.
Really?
I don't think it looks great.
This guy knows boats.
I don't like the yellow underneath.
It looks kind of old.
I'm going to show you the picture of the doctor with his wife who wasn't on the boat and their
dog.
Okay.
She looks fun.
Bring her on the boat, dude.
Let her come on the boat.
Who's going to watch the kids?
I'm going to show you a picture of this guy who was apparently on the boat, and he just
is surrendering.
Wow.
I don't know if that's the captain.
He's got an American flag on his shirt.
Before we started seeing these pictures, we did think that they were a lot cooler, right?
This guy looks like...
There's the doctor.
He looks like he was taken right off the boat.
I did think they were cooler, but the exact same shade of skin color dan all right so in rat tattooing the movie
the the message of the movie is anyone can cook that's that's the message of breaking bad and
that's also the message of this anyone can make a porn anyone can do drugs and anyone can shoot a
porn anyone can have guns by the way
if anyone was on that boat and they didn't want to be on that boat and they od'd or they felt like
something bad was happening horrible part this is what i don't like so i'm just gonna put that out
there and i like it i'm glad this guy got caught i'm glad he got busted right glad he's got terminal
cancer we're gonna get out here on this how old crazy nucket doctor, retired doctor who had a boat and then went on... House in
Colorado, house in Florida. House in Colorado,
house in Florida. How old
is this crazy
Nantucket doctor? I know my guess
and I feel like you or you are going
to say it first, but I will defer to our guests.
I'm going to go...
That picture looked pretty old. Yeah.
I'm going to go with
70. 70. Okay, go ahead. I'm going to go with 70.
70.
Okay.
Go ahead.
I'm going to go 72.
Okay.
Dan Tuckett.
Dan Tuckett.
I was going to say that Dan Tuckett was also the name of the porn.
Dan Tuckett.
Sure.
Great drag queen name.
Dan Tuckett is a great drag queen name.
Or Nan Tuckett.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nan Tuckett is a better drag queen name. Fran Tuckettet. Nantucket is a better drag queen name.
Frantucket.
Dude, and she just talks like this.
You're not going to believe where I put my penis.
I tucked it so down.
You're not going to believe this is Nantucket.
Dude, my balls are down there, too.
I stuck it up.
I'm going to say 68.
68 years old.
Okay.
Two of you are one year old. baby no 69 dude that's the number sorry 69 bro i almost got 69 just because you said you want to go and you had 70 do you want to go down
to 69 69 is a fun number for this guy and the porno issue. There is no world in which he does not go.
Yeah, I'll go down to 69.
I'm going down to 69.
Get your answers in, Todd.
It's because he is 69.
Yay!
69, dude!
All right, there he goes.
He doesn't look great for 69.
No, he don't.
Story number one down in the books.
DVK, you've got story number two.
When we come back, we'll hear about Andrew Youngblood
and what we have going
on and his special and all that stuff. It's
Dumb People Town. We've got Youngblood
in here. We're talking about old cocaine and old
guys doing okay. Youngblood! Andrew Youngblood
will be right back.
Stick around. Nick is down.
There's more Dumb People Town.
Hey gang, welcome back to the show.
Andrew Youngblood is our guest. Where are you guys going?
We're going to be in Minneapolis at the Acme Comedy Company, which is fantastic.
Our buddy Nate Abshire, who we love, is featuring for us.
Our friend Wendy Mayberry, who's so funny and sweet, she's going to host it.
That is April 4th, 5th, and 6th.
And then at the end of April, or the middle of April, really, it's like this.
Two weeks later.
17th, 18th, 19th, we'll be at Moontower, Moontower Comedy Fest.
17th, 18th, 19th we'll be at Moontower Comedy Fest
and then in the middle of
May
we'll be at the Jordan Landing Wise
Guys which is kind of around Salt Lake City
which I love Keith Stubbs.
Shout out Keith Stubbs.
He's done this show before. Great comic
too and a really good radio guy. So Keith
Stubbs is going to do his club in Jordan Landing
which it's been a while since we've been out to that club.
Psyched to do that and psyched to see all of our Salt Lake City people.
And then Taggots, we'll be doing those at Largo and at the Comedy Store.
Dan, you should hop on another one soon, especially when you're up doing your new material and getting into the new stuff.
Already started.
I love that stuff.
Andrew, you have a new special coming out.
When can people see it?
March 28th.
It's coming out.
It was produced by Mark Norman. He's putting it out on his youtube great so it's kind of weird pitching
someone else's youtube but it's a channel it's a channel it's uh but it's coming out on march 28th
uh super excited it's called i'll tell you this and uh i mean i've been working years on it and uh
dan was actually there at the filming it was a good time yeah
film it at your place i filmed it at the secret group we did four shows all the big room we did
the small room it's a really cool room for car i love the small room i was gonna say yeah so we've
done both rooms it's the box i love that it's intimate and sweet and i do you feel like the
taping went well the way you wanted to yeah i you know it was uh it was my first taping of a you know aside from like one camera kind of thing right so you know we had a whole
crew there and then it was like an amazing crew yeah the only thing i was weirded out the entire
time yeah he was great uh the only thing i hated about the whole experience is there's something
weird about putting having makeup yeah put on you yes to do to do a special and i'm like i this doesn't look like me
like you look at your mirror in the mirror you're like this looks fake this is too then you look at
it on camera and it looks good and it looks normal yeah yeah the lights and things like that it's
like that's the thing but the whole time i've been like self-conscious it's like you had too
much makeup on you're gonna look crazy on there but now i'm sure it looks very exciting so great
thing so andrew did four shows and he he he throughout the course of it because it's houston houston's one of the biggest
cities in the country about to pass chicago actually wow but it's also it feels like a small
smaller city small community comedy and so there were people and it's a special there's like people
coming out andrew was like doing crowd work unintentional like it just sort of like came about with people who were just sort of in the show.
Some of the funniest stuff.
I don't know if it's going to make it into the final.
A lot of it did.
If you're going to release that stuff separate.
A lot of it did.
It's a great, great special.
Andrew and I have been doing shows together.
My first two tours were really a credit to Andrew and all the people he knows throughout the country.
I've watched him build this hour.
I've watched him put this hour together.
People, take the time.
Go to Mark Norman's YouTube channel.
Check out I'll Tell You This.
It's a great way to support.
I spent two nights, four shows opening for this guy
because it was worth my time.
It's worth yours, too.
Yeah, I love it.
Yep, so that's coming out on March 28th.
We'll make sure this drops right around that time
so that people know and they can just immediately go
and check that out. Again, I'll tell you this.
I'm Mark Norman's YouTube channel.
AndrewYoungblood.com. It'll be
listed there. At No Youngblood on Instagram.
At No Youngblood on Instagram.
On Twitter
or X or whatever the hell you call it.
And all that stuff.
I love it. Alright, Daniel. Let's jump into story two.
I have to tell
everybody. Trigger warning. All right, Daniel, let's jump into story two. I have to tell everybody.
Trigger warning.
This is super gross.
Okay.
Good.
Thank you.
So if you're eating, just be careful.
Put it down.
And super dumb.
Great. Super dumb, super gross.
I don't mind super dumb.
Okay.
Super gross.
I'm just letting people know.
I like them both.
You like them both.
I'm so glad this is story two.
He also likes boats.
Because anybody that needs to take a break, we have gotten to your guys' plugs.
People know where to find all you.
If they don't make it to mine, that's my own
fault. No, no, no, Dan. Listen, you've triggered
enough. You've warned enough. We've warned you
enough. It's not like
obviously, you know, you guys know me at this point.
There's no animals getting hurt. I don't know. We know.
Someone pooped
in somebody's food. Here we go. Ready?
Yeah. Sent in by David
Fournier at DP Fournier 2.
I think this is a new person sending in.
I'm familiar with David Fournier.
David Fournier.
Okay, here we go.
Yeah.
Doctors remove bugs from Florida man's nose.
Yeah.
Florida man is breathing easier.
Is this the New York Post?
Huff Post. No. What? Breathing easier. Is this the New York Post? Huff Post.
What?
Breathing easier.
You can't make that.
Come on, you're better than that.
He literally is.
He is breathing.
I don't think they meant it as a joke.
He got a little nosy when it came to the new.
But I guess it goes both ways.
Quit nosing around in your little linset patch.
Florida man is breathing easier now that live bugs have been removed from his nose.
The unidentified patient.
Do you see what I just did?
I just was like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just automatically.
It does make you itch a little bit.
Right?
It's like, yeah.
I don't like it.
God damn it.
The unidentified patient went to a hospital earlier this month after noticing his whole
face felt like it was on fire.
Oh.
Isn't that a weekend song that
he was feeling it yeah according to a friday report by jacksonville's first coast news
it wasn't long it wasn't until recently that his symptoms became serious according to the man
the symptoms started how long ago now here's what we were doing he's got bugs in his
nose his face feels like it's on fire i got blisters on my fingers that's when he went to
the hospital i got how long my nose and i can't say that spirits in my nose and i can't say very
good we're gonna get sued actually parody law parody law parody Parody law We may change that How long do you think
He had symptoms
Before he goes
You know what
It's on fire
I gotta go to the hospital
What if he tried
The hot chip challenge
Two days
Two days
Two days
A week and a half
Randy
Week and a half
That's ten days
Five days
Five days
It wasn't until recently
His symptoms became serious
Although according to the man
The symptoms started
Four months ago
Whoa
What are you doing Get those bugs Out of your nose bro What are you doing became serious, although according to the man, the symptoms started four months ago. Whoa!
What are you doing?
Get those bugs out of your nose, bro.
What are you doing?
I think Justin Bieber said it best.
You need to learn to love yourself.
Right.
And also listen to what's going on.
Like the lifespan of a bug.
The ability of people to ignore things. The lifespan of a bug is less than four months.
These are generations of bugs that are in your nose.
He gets his peaches out in Georgia.
So he has also.
So he had his face on fire.
He had some sort of like this sort of, I feel like I'm going to sneeze.
What's wrong with me?
Whatever.
Who knows?
I don't know.
But I'm saying that he then goes on to say, quote, over a couple of hours, my face just
started swelling.
My lips swelled. I could hardly talk. Right. that he then goes on to say quote over a couple of hours my face just started swelling my lips
swelled i could hardly talk right the patient told first coast news i couldn't even get up to
go to the bathroom without my nose starting to bleed okay again this is the guy whose house is
on fire and he walks to the fridge and gets a beer yes we've had this we talked about that guy
right he saved bud light yeah what are we doing what are you doing yeah okay i know the man visited hca
florida memorial hospital in jacksonville and consulted with dr david carlson right an ear
nose and throat specialist also sounds like a cop a little bit and uh ear nose and throat
specialist who was
on call which to me is a fun little wrinkle that tells you that was just trying to have a weekend
with the kids he knew he was on call i'm gonna be on call nothing's gonna come in your nose and
throat baby what is i'm gonna come in with i'm not gonna know for four months i'm not gonna miss
the birthday party it's fine i'm on Five minutes. I'll just take this call.
I'll be right back.
Your job keeps you out late at night, too.
I'm not the only one who's the villain, Susan.
I'm going to ask you guys here at this point in the story.
Listeners, if you've made it this far, enjoy.
How many bugs?
How many bugs?
Do we know what the bugs were?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, it's coming.
It's coming.
No, that's the boat story story it's a cockroach i'm
walking out of here that's the boat okay cockroach how very cool sex worker name okay probably
probably a dude okay how many bugs andrew you want to go first take your third you pick where
you want to go how many bugs were in this man's nose where do you want to go you want
to go off the bat uh yeah i'll go i'll go last okay yeah what do you think 40 8 000 i think
they're aphids 8 000 aphids i want to say somewhere between 40 and 8 000 thank you we we we do a range here. We set the parameters. I'm thinking 200 bucks.
Okay.
200.
Floor man is definitely breathing easier.
Because how many bucks?
Because Dr. Carlson found in his nose 150 live bugs.
Wow.
He's right.
Yes.
You were right. Yes. You were right.
Yes.
Carlson was shocked when he looked inside the man's nose with a camera.
He saw dozens and dozens of bugs feeding on the nose and sinus cavity.
Some as big as the end of his pinky.
What?
I thought you were going to say end of his penis.
And I was like, why is he judging him?
He's like, why do I have to pull my pants down?
It's in my nose.
He's like, just cough.
Look to the left and cough. End of the big of your pinky. It's pretty big. That is a big. Are I have to pull my pants down? It's in my nose. He's like, just cough. Look to the left and cough. And to the bigger
your pinky. It's pretty big. That is a big
knuckle and out? No, I think
it's just the tip. Just the tip.
First story too. But even then. Okay.
Even then. Even then that's fucking huge.
It's in your nose. That's his co-singer.
First story. First story. Yes.
It's like a who's on first.
I know. We combine all these stories.
Here's our pitch for a movie okay
bugs in the nose he goes in i mean this is this would be a great uh sequel to a bug's life
yeah if it all took place it bugs strife it all takes inside out i know it's horrible but i just
want everybody to understand uh they're feeding on the nose and sinus cavity quote i knew i was in big trouble there was
erosion i knew he was in big trouble this is the doctor yeah i knew he was in big trouble
there was erosion that was occurring near the skull base in very close proximity to his eye
and brain at first the physician tried to suction tried using suction to remove the insects but they
wouldn't come out in the larval stage, but they were too large, and he
had to extract them one by one
from the man's nose. One by one? Damn.
They don't say, so we can't guess, but this had to take hours.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. At least an hour.
Honey, I'm not going to be at your aunt's.
The ants are
coming from inside the house.
They were right up against his skull base
right under his brain. Had they gone
through that, they could have killed him.
Yeah.
This is like, this is what happened in the mummy.
Listen to your body.
Yes.
Emotep.
Stop, stop.
Don't say that, dude.
Emotep.
Don't say old Egyptian or Latin words out loud.
We're going to get a ghost in here.
Sanskrit.
The boast.
The boast.
I'm good at this.
The bugs have been sent to an epidemiologist to determine their species.
They're nose bugs.
You don't know that?
The patient is expected to make a full recovery.
Japanese nose bug.
This is the dumbest part of this story, maybe.
It's dumb because it's so simple and everybody needs to think about this.
Just listen to your body.
It remains a mystery how the larva, larvae, larvae, got inside the man's nose.
All right.
I'm into smelling garbage up close.
Why am I a bad guy?
Next time on my strange addiction.
That's.
But he told First Coast First Coast News that the problem might have stemmed from his bad hygiene hygiene habits when handling dead fish.
OK.
Before.
Are you smell.
He definitely has a fetish to smell dead fish well that's what i
thought too he definitely puts his nose hygiene you tie them to your body and stick them in your
nose rub up no it's so much simpler they wash their hand they don't wash their hands they cut
it up his nose goes like this he picks the nose it's up there and then it multiplies and that
doesn't wash his hands and he picks his nose andrew gets this right quote we'll get out of here on those boats before i would rinse my hands in
the river now i'll use cleaner to do a better job and not touch my nose or hand so yes he would
catch fish probably clean them by the river or just catch them and whatever then he would wash
his hands in river water which also which is crazy don't do and then rub his hands in river water, which also don't do. Don't do. And then rub his hands or whatever.
Don't do this, people.
Dummy.
So he probably went into like a larva patch, had it on his hands, rubs his nose.
Larva patch.
Or was like cool.
Maybe he gave it a pick.
No one's around.
He definitely gave it a pick.
He gave it a pick.
Or he was like, you guys dare me to snort these larva?
I mean.
That's how two kids died.
Snorting larva. Two I mean. That's how two kids died. Snorting larvae?
Two kids died.
Do you remember?
Two kids died because they were impersonating Ozzy Osbourne, and they snorted fire ants.
And they fucking went in there.
See, dumb.
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Parents, teach your children well.
All right, that's story number two.
Jay, you got the final story up in this piece.
Tell us, can people come back?
It's probably not gross, right?
Yes.
Come back to the table.
Does it say Florida man doing what a Florida man does?
So we didn't find out what kind of bug?
Nope.
No.
All right.
In the larva state.
I think they were ladybugs.
I prefer to think they were good luck.
It's got to be some kind of mite.
This is the most.
Yeah, definitely like a Florida man marital argument you've ever heard.
I cannot wait to hear we come back we'll hear
what Dan's got going on prep
is special which is as this
thing drops is probably
only a couple weeks away all that
stuff on the other side of the break it's dumb people time with Andrew
Youngblood we'll be right back
stick around
make it sound there's more dumb people town
hey guys want
to talk about BetterHelp.
They are sponsoring the show.
And if you know anything about me, my wife is a therapist.
I have been in my own therapy.
We all have been in our own therapy.
We understand the value of it.
Great thing for your life.
This is, you know, you talk to people who work out and take care of their bodies.
This is a way to take care of your soul and your mind.
This is a way for you to feel better about things in your life and to understand yourself in a whole new way, a new perspective. Sometimes it's just getting
it out and speaking the things that are inside of you out to a person that is the, it goes so far
in helping you. Yeah. And I think that's why if you're thinking of starting therapy, you should
really give BetterHelp a try. It's a great place to explore that outlet. It's entirely online.
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I love this.
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So I want you to find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp.
Visit betterhelp.com slash dpt today and get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp
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slash D-P-T.
So most of my
wardrobe is
Faraday clothes. That's just what it is.
That's good because they're a part of this show.
I love it. I would get it if
they were a part of this show. This is the truth.
If they were not a part of this show. There are so many
hoodies that I'm like,
oh, I'm going to wear this hoodie
and then I'm just going to walk along the beach
and somebody's going to see me and be like,
where you been?
And I'm like, oh, I'm wearing this.
I don't really know.
This isn't a great story.
But I feel so like you just want it.
Like you think of ways in which you can wear these clothes
just when you pick them up,
let alone how awesome they are.
Dan, so we post as comedians.
We go out and shoot stand-up or we
do stand-up and then we post clips of ourselves i look i'm just gonna tell you i look at every
single post to stand up clip that we posted i'm wearing something from ferrity i was wearing a
light blue button down not this shirt but an all light blue button down in the things you stand
behind and in the movement chinos and i'm like i look great thank you faraday for making
all this sun like sweatshirt that i have that has like the rays of the sun so many people when i
post something on it they ask where'd you get that it is faraday they make comfortable clothes that
are cool clothes like sure they say it's their movement sweaters they have cool max tech to keep
you cool and comfortable all day plus they got new colors of their best-selling movement five
pocket pant amazing Check them out.
Listeners of our show,
go to Faraday Brand.
They can get 20% off
when you go to
faradaybrand.com
slash dpt.
Enter code 20DPT
at checkout.
I'm going to say it again.
Faraday Brand is offering
20% off your first order
when you enter promo code
20DPT at checkout.
Go to faradaybrand.com
slash dpt
and check them out.
Stick around. Make us down. There's more Don't People Town. Check out, go to FaradayBrand.com slash DPT and check them out. Hey guys, welcome back to the show.
Before we get to the final story, Daniel, how can people support you in the best way?
Special coming up.
Go to DanielVanKirk.com.
That'll keep you up to date with everything I'm going.
It's brand new.
Green Ivy Creative created it.
It's awesome. Super easy to read and scroll.
The reason I want you to go there is because my special
drops on April 17th or
I don't know when is what that you're listening to this.
It might be out already. Go check it out.
It's probably up on my YouTube channel
because I mean, unless
somebody backed up a truckload of money, I just want to
get my stand up out there for everybody to be able to watch
and see because I'd rather sell you tickets and
have you come to the show. So go to danielbankirk.com watch rose gold andrew
opened up for that how insane was that first it was great it was that first crowd he did two shows
they were both amazing both great shows i remember watching the first one i go well you don't worry
about the second it's done you know you're good yeah and the second one was good as well it was uh yeah
it was very good but that first one magic was magical it was i mean open even like the opening
sets like this guy went up he murdered i go up and it was just like kyle scanlon you couldn't say
you couldn't you couldn't do wrong it was just one of those magical magical shows at the lincoln
lodge no less so uh that's out there. It might already be out.
Go watch it right now,
which means Andrew's is already out right now.
Who knows?
Check us out.
And then watch Wine Club.
We've got to be getting into wine season, right?
It is.
Something like that.
It is wine season.
Yeah, I love this movie.
I think you will love it, too.
This will go great to my last thing I want to promo.
Andrew and I do a monthly show together in Houston.
The Secret Group is my home club. This will go great to my last thing I want to promo. Andrew and I do a monthly show together in Houston.
The Secret Group is my home club.
If you've seen me do comedy in the last six, seven years,
and you thought that was pretty good,
I bet you I developed it at The Secret Group.
So I go there every month to run a whole bunch of sets and work on new stuff.
Guys, I open my hour with a bit
that I started doing in September.
I shot this in November,
because The Secret Group is such a great place to go to.
I love it.
I developed it there.
Um,
great.
We do a special,
uh,
what is it called?
What is our show called?
A special show.
The greatest monthly comedy show of all time.
Yes.
It's so fun.
It sounds like the Princeton,
New Jersey market.
People,
people go out to the show comics to a set and then we do never have I ever with the
comic and the audience.
It's a good time. It's so the audience. It's a good time.
It's so much fun.
It's a great show.
It's a party.
So that'll be coming up every single month.
Go to danielvankirk.com.
All right.
Here we go.
Let's jump into the last story.
Let's do it.
All right.
This is sent in by Jake Roney, at Jake Roney.
Florida man hurls Oreos at wife during argument over empty coffee maker, deputies say.
By the way, hurls Oreos is not like pelts her with Oreos.
Yeah, it's not that dangerous.
No deputy should be saying anything about this.
Right.
Hurl's is you kind of overhand skyhook it at her.
That's exactly what I was picturing.
Like you don't hurl, is it like hooks it at her?
Also, I love Oreos so much.
I love Oreos so much.
But I'm also at a place in my life. If I hurled a sleeve of Oreos so much. I love Oreos so much. I'm also at a place in my life.
If I hurled a sleeve of Oreos at you.
I would die for it like the most desperate person at the wedding going for the bouquet.
So here's what's happening.
Dan is reading a book and I hurl a sleeve of Oreos at him.
Like a golden retriever.
He doesn't even know.
He does not even look up from the book, hand up, catches the Oreos, open it up and just
starts popping them in.
Dude, I thought you're tossing raw, dude.
Tossing raw.
Tossing raw.
Tossing raw.
Tossing raw.
Tossing raw.
Tossing raw.
Tossing raw.
First story.
Dan Wade.
I eat them so rarely.
I'm just saying.
I'm eating them.
I eat them so rarely.
I love them so much that even just what you've already said, I'm mad.
Your mouth is watering.
I'm mad about wasting Oreos.
Right.
Why are you wasting Oreos?
I'm mad at her.
I think that's the worst cookie.
Really? That is my least favorite cookie of all cookies.
Guys, that's it for Andrew Youngblood.
Come on, that's not...
There's so many better.
Yeah, I agree there's better. Dan, what is your
Girl Scout cookie again?
Oh, Samoa's? No.
I just ate it. Those are pretty damn good.
They're fine. They're not as good as...
It's not even close to a frozen Thin Mint.
It's not even close.
You don't want a frozen Thin Mint thrown at you.
Those are worse.
That's like, you know, do you remember James Bond when the guy threw the hat and it decapitated?
That would be odd job.
Did he decapitate a statue?
You could decapitate someone with a, if you were an ultra frisbee or fralfer
You could take off someone's head
A Florida man
A lot of people bring pies to my shows
I will accept Samoas
I'll take frozen
Thin mints all day
A Florida man has found himself behind bars
Yeah of course
Don't you hurl those at me
When normally he spent much of his life in front of a bar.
Folks.
After he allegedly hurled a package of Oreos.
Allegedly.
Allegedly.
We don't even know if he did it.
He's behind bars.
Hurled a package of Oreo cookies at his wife during an argument about the coffee maker
not having any water in it, according to the deputy.
Well, at least they're happy.
That's a fair argument, though.
I went to make coffee, and it's your job every once in a while to put coffee water
in it do you drink coffee in the morning i drink coffee all the time so who puts the car who fills
who makes it in the then the espresso i live alone so just you had to make it sad you're gonna train
those kids yeah yeah yeah that's part of it did you guys reach a point where you let the kids make
the coffee yeah my daughter so noah's into making of it. They'll do it. Did you guys reach a point where you let the kids make the coffee? Yeah.
So Noah's into making it now.
See? It's a little fun little thing.
She made a little sign.
Noah's Coffee Shop.
Do you let them drink it?
Her.
Her?
Sorry.
No, I don't let her drink it because she doesn't need help staying up.
How old?
She's 10.
Okay, a little too young for coffee.
Too young for coffee.
Okay.
My son doesn't want it.
He doesn't like it.
All right.
My kid's kind of like me.
Ready for this?
Ready for this dude's name?
Yeah.
John Sandoval. We got a new
Sandoval! Oh, yeah.
John Jacob Sandoval.
We'll get into how old he was.
His coffee is not warm.
Was charged, arrested
and charged with felony
domestic battery. Wow. Yeah, dude.
You can't throw stuff at your
spouse. Assaults. Assaults. On a person.
Well, I think it's on a person 65 years or older.
You cannot throw a sleeve.
On an elderly person.
You can't do that.
That's elder abuse.
After the incident that unfolded on Saturday morning, according to an affidavit from the
Lake County Sheriff's Office, Sandoval's wife, who he has been married to and cohabitating
with for over how many years?
You say 35?
40.
40 years? You said 35? 40. 40 years?
43.
One of you is exactly right.
35.
Staying with me.
I'm staying.
But I do kind of think you're right.
I'm going to go 40.
I'm going to switch to 40.
Get your answers in.
You made a great call.
It is 40.
That's rare when you make the right jump.
I got to put some bets in after that.
You're doing great.
Some skin in that game.
Was sitting at a table when she and her husband
got into a verbal argument about the coffee maker
not having any water in it, the report said.
I'm so glad the report detailed that.
Argument will guarantee take longer than it would have
to have made more coffee.
That's right.
Pour it in there.
Why are you arguing with me?
They've been together that long.
How many times do you think she had to forget to do this before he reached his boiling point?
Or how many times has she threatened to call the cops if he argues with her?
Thank God.
And even though it does seem trivial with the Oreos, like Andrew said, assault's assault.
If you're throwing anything at someone, we either already are hitting or definitely going to eventually.
Dan, it's
all right how many cookies must be thrown until you leave that's all i'm saying how many cookies
if i was the cop i'd be like you fucking wasted these oreos how many oreos does it take to change
a light bulb i would go one more click on the handcuffs just because of the waste extra tight
on the oreo waste scandival became aggressive and chucked a package of oreo cookies that hit
her in the chest causing her to to fall, according to Devin.
So I'm thinking it's full package.
Full package. That's old.
40 years of married,
they're at least in their 60s, which isn't
super old, but you never know about somebody's
health at that age. Could have met at
30. But either way, you could throw somebody's
balance off. Or she just tried to
dodge it and then fell over.
I like to think it was one
cookie and she was just being dramatic like i hope it was one cookie too and she was like
falling down and as she's falling she's like got you motherfucker yeah and i was like
we're done we're done with this abusive this is a woman who's got nine one on her phone good
the alexa's got it on film so good all right this is where it turns into why the cops are there while she was on the
ground skandaval allegedly put her hand put his hands on her throat but did not restrict her airway
okay get him out get him out it's got dark get him out yeah the get out the incident wasn't reported
till the next day after the woman's daughter urged her mother to press charges good yes yes
enough of this get him out deputies did not observe any obvious injuries to the woman, the affidavit said.
Deputies caught up with Scandival, who admitted to picking up a package of cookies and throwing
them at her, the affidavit said.
Wait a minute.
Is his name really Scandival?
No, it's Sandival.
Oh.
I literally started thinking, is his name really Scandival?
He said he believed it hit her in the head, but he wasn't sure.
She said chest.
She said chest.
You said head.
You made it worse.
How much are you not paying attention to what you just did?
Yeah.
He's got 40 years of being a piece of shit.
He's a casual cookie thrower.
Yeah.
That's not good.
He said he had no recollection of grabbing her throat.
Oh, come on.
Oh, that's fitting.
Did I do that?
This guy sucks.
Did I grab her throat?
By the way, a cookie tosser does sound like something bad in prison.
It really does.
Or something great on a boat. Yeah. First story. Your cookie tosser. I mean, in the bedroom, it cookie tosser does sound like something bad in prison. It really does. Or something great on a boat.
Yeah.
First story.
Your cookie tosser.
I mean, in the bedroom, it sounds okay.
Yeah.
And you know what?
So can choking.
I tossed her cookies.
Consensual.
It's all about consent, baby.
Consensual choking with no airway restriction.
You can throw cookies at me if I want it.
You can choke me if I want it.
If I don't, get your ass to 10.
First story.
It happened yesterday.
Did I grab her throat?
Did I?
Yesterday. Did I do that? Did I? Yesterday.
Did I do that?
Did I?
Shout out daughter.
Daughter.
Daughter.
Daughter and woman.
Shout out.
Shout out.
Shout out.
All right.
Could be a slur, too.
Cookie tosser.
Cookie tosser.
Cookie tosser.
Damn cookie tossers.
Cookie tossers.
Down at the plant.
Those and plural is never good.
Yeah, yeah.
Those damn.
Those damn.
Enter group of people.
Although,
couldn't you guys also
see yourself being
a little bit high
watching an episode
of How It's Made
and then being like,
these workers are called
cookie tossers.
And it totally makes sense
for what you're seeing.
Just old ladies
like picking up the cookies
and making sure
they're not broken.
You know,
sift it through a pan.
Yes.
God, I love how it's made.
How it's made has to come back.
It really was.
I always wanted to see an episode about bowling balls, and I never got to.
Was that the one Mark Summers was the host of?
Or was he the narrator for that?
There was a narrator.
Mark Summers was double.
I doubled there.
I think he was.
Yeah, he was double there, but also I think he was a narrator to one of those shows.
The Mark Summers fight with Burt Reynolds on The Tonight Show is...
That's all people need to know.
Oh, yeah.
That's all people need to know.
That is incredible.
Dan, have you seen it?
Of course.
It is incredible.
It is incredible.
I mean, for my money, I'll always take Andy Kaufman with Letterman, but that one is...
This is real.
This is real.
There was nothing fake about it.
But I don't know how much they told Dave.
What do you like in that situation? Fine, but that was not real.
Oh, and Mark Summers versus Burt Reynolds.
Yeah, your team Mark or your team Burt Reynolds?
Mark Summers.
I destroyed him.
I'm team Summers.
Not who would have won in the fight.
Oh, I'm super on team Summers.
Team Summers all the way.
Burt Reynolds couldn't handle it.
He's a dick in the clip.
He's a dick.
He's a bit of a dick.
And he was saying to him, don't turn your back on me.
He's like, he's talking to Johnny.
You're no longer the guest.
You moved down the couch.
You were also the first guest.
You were the most important one.
Can't you just sit there while this guy tells his story?
Have you not been on Show You Move?
Also, in the right sense, right?
Just like the right way to throw cookies or find out someone wants to be choked.
In the right sense.
It's fun. It's sort of cool for reynolds to want to be part of the
conversation 100 what an honor to be like oh you care about this that is not the way no to do it
yeah like if bird had been like hey i want to hear about this too yeah but that you know he
comes from that generation of niceness is weak oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, Sean Connery generation.
Yeah.
He's like, everyone's a woman.
You're like, you can see Summers being a little bit of a dick in that.
Oh, and he was.
I like that, though.
He got prickly as soon as he kind of got him.
You guys know me.
You've all spent so much time.
You will not start a fight.
You're like us.
You will not start a fight.
I will end it.
How nice am I until someone goes, no, we're not being nice to each other and then i go oh okay
all right oh this is where you get to see the other side of what's going on what's going on
buddy you're the king of being a polite dickhead yeah like you're really good at it that's your
next hey i give people what they're asking for polite dickhead daniel van kirk uh they follow
up to rose gold all right here we go how? We'll get out of here on this.
40 years of marriage. 40 years of marriage.
The Oreo...
Do you want to go first or last? Oreo abuser.
Pick your spot.
John Sandoval. Pick your spot. What year was this?
Does it say? Who cares? This year. It doesn't matter.
They're married 40 years. This is the worst thing
to happen to a Sandoval in the history of this
country. We're going off when it's printed anyway.
I'm going 69 again.
Love that.
Going back to 69.
I think that's pretty close.
I think he's 63.
I think he's 67.
One of you is one year off.
66.
64.
I'm staying.
No, you got to go one after. Sorry. I was staying. No, you gotta go one after the other.
Sorry.
I'm not good at math.
I refuse to listen to you.
I'm not good at this game.
Andrew's like, I said what I said.
I thought it was like we're closer, whoever's closer.
You're gonna be, you could be anyway.
You're going down.
Get your answers in.
Okay.
Go see Andrew's new special on Mark Norman's YouTube channel.
Andrew Youngblood.com, Mark Norman's, uh, youtube.com,
Mark Norman's youtube channel.
Any of that.
Follow me on Instagram.
I'll post it everywhere.
You won't be able to not see it.
So,
uh,
watch Daniel special,
watch wine club.
Come see us in Minneapolis.
Come see us live.
That's how you support us.
Super John or join our patron.
Yeah.
Join our patron.
Great way to support us.
If we get 500 members,
we're going to do a hot chip challenge.
Yes. We're on our way. So let's keep going. Have you ever done the're going to do a hot chip challenge. Yes.
We're on our way.
So let's keep going.
Have you ever done the hot chip?
One single hot chip?
Just saying it, I'm like a little nervous.
I had, I bought three of them and they had them at my house.
Yeah.
And, uh, and when I would be drinking with friends, I'd be like, you ever do this hot
chip challenge?
And they go, I could do that.
No problem.
And then I would just watch my friends cry and it was kind of awesome dan i never did it i'm a pussy i will the only way i will do it is
as i'm putting the chip in my mouth be pouring milk into my mouth we'll have i don't think that
helps we'll have it helps we'll have milk on standby i just want strawberry quick i'd be
worried about milkshake i'll drink a straight up milkshake i think that would do it done i'll have
that for you too i'll like 500 members you got to join our also in the meantime you just get weekly awesome
more dumb people town shit from the three of us the greatest and story you guys you know
have we told people oh yeah oh yeah we have a voicemail where you can leave we gotta stop
burying this lead of this new shit with our page so it's it's two one three eight three nine eight
three two two that is you can call in if you are witnessing dumb happen. If dumb just happened to you or
a dumb story from your life. Leave us a dumb message and we'll break it down.
It's the dumb hotline. We go live.
It's our dumb hotline. We go live.
That's all I'm picturing.
Can I drop one more thing?
Yeah, you want to plug your show? Yeah, I got a podcast called
The Mess Hall. Come out every Tuesday.
Check it out. We give good advice and bad advice.
Or I might be right now, depending on when you listen to this.
Yeah, a ton of good guests. Different people all the time. Please check it out. We give good advice and bad advice. I'm going to be here, or I might be right now, depending on when you listen to this. Yeah, a ton of good guests.
Different people all the time. Please check it out.
Alright, check that out. The mess hall. Alright. You said
68. You said 64. I switched
to. I went 66
lightning strikes. 66. John
Scandival Sandoval. The worst thing to happen to
a Sandoval was 70 years old.
Wow!
There you go!
I'll tell you this. No young blood. Alright, buddies. Alright, guys. That was so fun. Thanks for joining us. We love you go. I'll tell you this.
No young blood.
All right, guys.
That was so fun.
Thanks for joining us.
We love you guys.
Thanks for supporting all of us as comedians and in podcasters.
And we love you.
No shit.
We got to get back to work.
Bye.
Stick around.
Make it sound.
There's more. Don't people town.