Dumb People Town - Andy Peters: Community Lube

Episode Date: October 5, 2018

Andy Peters joins the guys to discuss a story in which a man just wanted someone to watch his dog, but ended up with a lubey surprise.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Peters. AP. Hey. Hi. Energy. Energy Peters. Hey, town. Population you. Population Peters. AP. Hey.

Hi. Energy Peters. Hey, boys. Love it. Hey, Andy. Thanks for having me. It's like a blast from 1956. Everybody's favorite science teacher. He's back.

He's back. And he's going to tell us about particles. It is. I do feel like I have that. Energy. I always tell people I'm in the wrong time. I would have crushed it in like 30s through late 50s. You would have crushed it in the depression.

Like in the vaudeville scene? Oh, yeah. Like that. Oh, yeah. Andy. That would have sold. I think you'd crush it now. That would have sold toothpaste. This voice would have sold.

Andy, you're crushing it right now. Like kids. Early laundry detergent. Andy, you would have crushed it during the depression. I would have sold toothpaste. This voice would have sold... You're crushing it right now. Like kids. Early laundry detergent. Andy, you would have crushed it during the Depression. I would have. You're crushing it during my Depression. You got it. Now on...

You have positive Brody Steve. On those who can, who did you play? You were the gym teacher? No, you were... Well, they... You were... I'm happy that they extended... I started as the... We kind of had a running joke.

I started as the just wrestling coach for the wrestling episode. And then they expanded my character to be this like substitute coach for all of the. So I just became the one. Well, there's like other coaches. But yeah, I think my character is the like coach that sticks around. The fill-in coach. Yeah, the fill-in coach. And so now I've done episodes.

Utility coach. Now I've done episodes where Coach Peters is, we've done a cross-country running episode. Great. We've done a PTA meeting episode, which is not coaching. Yeah. But I'm always pitching like. You were in one with us. Yep.

We all got trapped. Trapped in a library. Trapped in a library. You guys know when that, I want. I think it were in one with us. Yep. We all got trapped. Trapped in a library. Trapped in a library. Do you guys know when that, I want. I think it's coming out next year. I need things to promote and that one could be a good one.

Yeah, well, that's one could be a good one. You do a great. Just keep saying on the upcoming season. On the upcoming season of Those Who Can't. I've been having,

for the last like year, I've been having people bring me up to stage as look out for him on season three. Those Who Can't. That's great. I would just bring you up on stage, look out for him on season three. Those can. That's great. I would just bring you up on stage, look out for him.

Look out. Just look out. Literally look out for Andy Peters. You don't even say my name. Heads up. Heads up. Andy Peters. Well, Andy.

Cover your drinks. Andy. Cover your food. You had a great comedy album, Question Point. I don't even know what it is anymore. Exclamation mark, Question Point. That's the one You know what guys I did Andy's show

You've done it right The Blind Barber Oh yeah Unbelievable live show It's a secret Don't talk It's a secret They've added the second show

Because it's so Packed and popular But I just did it This week That we're recording this And Andy went up And started the show And then decided he

And he told us Before we went He goes These fuckers These fuckers don't know how to listen. I don't like my audience. I'll tell you, point, point. He went up, started the show, felt like he was not

putting up with their shit today. Zero connection. I had no connection. And so he restarted the show. Got off the stage, told them to replay the music and he's like, you fuckers are gonna do this right or you're leaving Start again try again And they know that We have this thing where we do it off of a list

So the show is like A lot of the same people And we've been doing it for like six years So now I kind of run it like almost drill sergeant It's like a class I tell them I'm like Mike Greg put your phone away Susan look up forward Like I know them by name

Coach Peters dropping some. Coach Peters. Coach Peters dropping some knowledge. All right, well, Coach Peters, we need you. We need you to help coach us to intelligence again. Because the world's getting dumber. Dan's got a story sent to us by our lovely dumb ears on the ground, and we need to get into it. Are you ready, AP?

Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do it. Okay, here we go. This was sent in by Paul Arsenault at PistolPaul48. You think he's related to Pistol Pete? Maybe. Pistol Paul. It's like Pistol Pete's cousin that no one ever contacts.

I want him to have another cousin named Pistol Mary. I want him to be a huge Man United fan. Do you guys remember that movie, The Pistol, about Pistol Pete? It came out in the late 80s, early 90s. You don't remember this movie oh it's so good wade fetterman wrote a book about him yeah there's a uh there's a line in that movie that to this day stays with you yeah yeah but i don't know if it stays with me in a positive way they lose a game and they'd won like so many and i think the jazz girl was

like talking no they were in high school oh high school and A girl was like talking. No, they were in high school. Oh, high school. And a girl was like talking to Pistol Pete. She was like, you can't win them all. And he goes, yeah, but who cares? Because that's all people remember are the losses. They don't remember your wins. He's right.

And I was like, and it still bothers me today. Isn't that line in every sports movie ever? Also, I feel like that. He had a heart attack and he did lose his life. And we do remember that. me today. Isn't that line in every sports movie ever though? He had a heart attack and he did lose his life and we do remember that. Here's the thing. I'm going to open up the Dan Van Quirk. Dan Van Quirk? Dan Van Quirk doesn't know his own name.

Something that only Dan Van Quirk does should be a Dan Van Quirk. There you go. He's Dan Van Quirking. I'm going to open up the door here a little bit. So I used to work on like a Christian retreat weekend thing. Is this when you were security at Marshalls or digging graves? Around graves.

Or work for the FBI. Before and during and after graves. Okay. And they told a whole thing about Pistol Pete Maravich. So the story goes, and no offense to anybody who's Christian, because I'm sure this isn't a lot of religions or any time you're trying to persuade someone. You can never really trust these little stories. You're like, is that really how it went down? Or you just want me to put my hand up?

Anyway. Hold a snake. Yeah. So they would say that they were playing a pickup game, and when Pistol Pete was dying of his heart attack, he told the people, I'll meet you at the top and bring as many people with you as you can. So that's why you need to convert.

Yes. Wow. So that you can hang out with Pistol Pete at the top. At the top of what? Hold on. The mountain. In heaven. Oh, heaven. Heaven. I've never heard heaven referred to as meet you at the top. I need to ask Wayne if that's true.

Wayne Vetterman would know, right? Vetterman would know. How did Vetterman become the official Pistol Pete Maravich historian? He just took it on. Because he's a brilliant dude and he took it on. Just took it on? Yeah. So what's happening? Here we go. A dog owner in Colorado claims that when he used a dog sitting service to care for his dog while he was away.

Wag a rover. Wag. Okay. He came home. Boulder Rover. Get it? Yeah. Boulder.

He Boulder. And we're in Colorado. And we're just in Boulder two nights ago when this dropped, and we're in Denver at Comedy Works tonight. Two shows tonight, downtown Lavera Square. Two shows tomorrow night. We'll see you there. That was pro-level. We'll see you there.

Boulder over. A dog owner in Colorado claims that he used a dog sitting service to care for his dog while he was away. He came home to find... The dog's sucking. No, that would never be that story. All right. Breastfeeding on his wife. Yes. No.

He came home to find shirtless men, a bottle of lubricant, and a camera in his living room. That? No! Bad dog. Completely un-dog related. They just needed a location for the shoot. Well, let me say, they're probably with some doggy style.

Hang on a second. Do you walk in, see that whole scene, turn to the dog and Well, let me say, there probably was some doggy style about to happen from the back side. Do you walk in, see that whole scene, turn to the dog and say, bad dog. Bad dog. Or do you say,

good dog. That would be great if you looked at your dog and was like, what are you doing? Hey, I said no parties. I trusted you.

I said no parties when I'm gone. This is a party. I'd be like, so did you walk my dog or can we get back to, I would just immediately go to dog care. Can I immediately say for anybody who is thinking this that if it were men and women...

Oh, no, no, no. Or all women... The dog sitter is a woman. Right. I'm saying... Oh, okay. So there's just two men sitting on the couch. I'm just saying like it doesn't matter that it's two men and I don't care if the two men are together.

It's wrong to have lubed up people in your house you didn't invite. That's a good rule for life. When you come home to see your dog, and you see two lubed up... If your dog's name is Spot, you want to say Come, Spot. Not point out the Come, Spot.

You want to say Spot, Come, not Come, Spot. Let's not brush over that Randy Sklar takes a hard line on tough issues. And he's telling you that it is wrong to have lubed up people in your house if you did not invite them. We live in a tough economy. And if you're trying to shoot a film, if you're trying to get anything done in that regard. I get locations are difficult to look. Yeah, locations are hard to run a location.

You've got to cut corners. This crew, they look smart. You've got to grease the anus, so to speak. Cleet Keller of Colorado Springs, who I think is an Olympic swimmer, told Fox 21, that's their local Fox affiliate, that upon his return home on Monday,

around 1 a.m., now that's kind of on him. That is on you. My man, you were supposed to be home tomorrow morning. You would not be worried right now. None of this would be bothering you. You might have seen a little bit of lube on the couch. You might smell a hint of lube in the air.

Listen, you're dealing with the night shift over here at Wag. We're not sending our top nine. At Wagville. If you could see your parents almost get divorced trying to put presents under the tree on Christmas Eve, you would feel a lot different about these gifts. But you never know that shit until you wake up happy. This guy could have woke up happy. It's the magic of the nighttime secrecy.

You're rolling in at 1 a.m. You're going to see some shit is all we're saying. That's on you. He came home to several strange things, and his dog nowhere in visible sight. Oh, boy. See, this is where, as a dog owner, this is where I start freaking out a little bit.

Two shirtless men were sitting on his living room couch. When he asked them to leave, he noticed there was an open bottle of personal lubricant and a camcorder on the end table. Is lubricant ever non-personal lubricant? Who's like, this is my group? That's the group.

There's community lubricant. Hey, where's the community lube? This lube? The group lubricant. The group lubricant. Community. This lube is for the whole gang. By the way, community lube is for sure like a heavy metal band that was ever, or like an improv group. Yeah, yeah.

Community lube. Guys, we are community lube. Hey guys, we're community lube. We just need a one word suggestion. One word suggestion of a location. So guys, we just need one more suggestion. One more suggestion of a location. Also, to me, camcorder feels really weird. Feels really old.

Feels old. Yeah, this happened like now. iPhone? Yes, this happened now. iPhone covers it, my man. Camcorder. Shoot it in iMovie. What if that was his biggest contention?

You guys are using a camcorder? Camcorder. What is that? I don't care about the community lube, but the camcorder, that's where I draw the line. Guys, I get 4K on my iPhone. Can we just start over? Should we start over? Jimbo, Keller's dog, was reportedly found locked inside a bedroom.

The dog sitter he had hired was nowhere to be seen. He later learned that she was in the bathroom showering. So he got hit in right after this sentence. He came at the worst possible time Like I'm gonna tell you right now Right after it ended I imagine these dudes Were just chilling

Post-coital Okay this is Like with her I'm gonna tell you something right now If this woman was supposed To watch my dog And she just Showered in my house

I'd be getting her fired Yeah I'd be getting her fired Jay That's it If I came out And she was showering I'd be like You're done I'd be getting her fired. That's it. If I came out and she was showering, I'd be like, you're done.

This was my thought. Okay. For real. Okay. This is how much I gave her. I'm not like down on her. I know. I was like, she let these guys in.

They were either friends. One guy was a friend of hers. The other, hey, we just need an apartment to shoot some stuff in. And she said, okay, I'm going to lock the dog in the room. I don't want the dog to see it. I'm going to go take a shower. When I come out, you guys will all be done. You guys got to be done.

So I think she, I'm like giving her credit. She's trying to separate herself. Like she didn't just have a dick in the ear, but like whatever. She, I am saying that she. Community lip. She said, you guys take care of your business. Community lip. I'm going to.

Wait, she's not part of the business? See, I said, in my mind. She's the cam holder? She said, you guys take care of your business. Community lip. I'm going to show you. Wait, she's not part of the business? See, I said, in my mind. She's the cam holder? She's the location scout? I just think she's like, you do it. I'm going to go take a shower. I'm production manager. I secured the location.

I'll PA in this. I hope all three of these are in a beautiful polyamorous relationship. Would love it. But my question is. No, I'm freaking out as a dog. I use stuff. Let's say he walks in immediately after these dudes have finished. Yep.

There's sex in the air. Yeah. Yeah. But my point is, I wonder if immediately after you organically release your tension, how active can you be? Are you jumping up? Are you be like are you are you like uh jumping up or do you are you very like hey man there's a lot of like heavy breathing like you just run some sort of but like we are designed to genetically to fall asleep after it should be very meant like down men are

supposed to like literally it goes the lions do this too the reason is because back in the days when like it was like we just need to increase the tribe, they say that we're designed that way so that if a woman has sex with a man, like let's say a lioness has sex with a lion, and then he gets immediately after that lion is spent, because then she can have sex immediately with another lion because she's ovulating. And that way the lion who was first- Isn't going to fight him. He can't.

That's right. Yeah, yeah. He would lose a fight and it's almost our way of like- So you've got two kind of, if it happened, I just wonder if these guys had just-

Dazed out dudes on the- Dazed out dudes. They're just kind of chilled. Yes. Okay. Dazed out in dudes is a great movie. Dazed out dudes.

Dazed out and lubed? Yes. So I use a lot of these services. Okay, lube. Personal. I use a lot of of these services. I use a lot of personal lube. This is a true story. We had to fire a wag walker because my wife found that her makeup was disheveled one day. She blamed me in the morning.

She was like, have you been going through my makeup? I mean, yes, but also I put it back on. But I know exactly where it goes. Jesus Christ. I'm not coming to lose also I put it back on. Yes, but I know exactly where it goes. I mean, Jesus Christ. I'm not coming to lose to the makeup. Am I an amateur? No, I put it on totally. But someone else also who's not as good at it also was.

Not putting it away. And then same person, we kept her on. We were kind of like, this is weird. And then she continued to walk her dog. And then checks were missing. She was cutting herself checks from our checkbook. No. What? Writing herself checks.

And now I wish she would have been doing this. Yeah. This would have been more, because it was harder to, like, prove. Like, we had to, like, get the checks. I started to feel like you're more violated. You're way more violated. She's still mad. I thought that she started making up the dog.

You know what I mean? So, like, the dog comes in with a tremendous foundation. I wish that's what she was doing. Tremendous foundation. A lot of highlights. I would have been like, wow, we've been trying to do this for weeks. A lot of contouring.

Fake eyelashes. A smoky eye for a poodle is unbelievable. But I will say that it's really hard. With these services, you have to fill out a lot of paperwork. So this person had to fill out a whole detailed report where two dudes were using personal lube in my in my space they were very they had to describe these people yeah they're like okay wag listen here's what it was one of the guys was wearing a crystal yeah

one of the guys i recognize from my neighborhood ralph's i've seen him before and produce any of you guys picturing either one or both of the shirtless men with chest hair? Oh, yeah. A lot. I always wonder what is in your brain because I had chest hair on both. And they're just, a lot of chest hair and they're both just out of shape.

Really? Oh, I pictured good shape. Sweating. Like medium. Like my shape. A little loose. Let it go for a bit. Fox 21 reached out to the dog sitter who wanted to remain anonymous. Why? Because she wants to work it. This is what she had to say about the incident.

I can't wait to hear her. To be completely honest, which that's what you say when you're lying. That's how you start a lie. Get ready for half the truth. Yes. To be half honest, I didn't have WD-40. What? And my keys were stuck in my car.

So I ended up grabbing what I had in my car for things that, you know, I do on my personal time. And I didn't think to put it back in my car, said the woman. That's all a youth in it. Including two dudes. That's all a youth in it. I have two dudes and some lube in my car. They're in my trunk and I bring them out

when I need them. Two dudes and lube in my car. Also, does that mean she's saying her keys were stuck in the door? Because if they're stuck in the car,

she could still chase them. She probably could have used the personal lube for the key situation. That's what she's saying she did. By the way, that's what WD-40 is.

WD-40 is key lube. It's just personal lube. That's key lube. We having a key lube party tonight? According to Kelly, those weren't the only odd things in the house. He noticed also, quote, and there's a double quote, there is also what I can only assume are bodily fluids on the couch. I mean, how could there not be?

The stain remains. If you do it right. My favorite Zeppelin song. The stain on the couch. I mean, how could there not be? The stain remains. If you do it right. The stain remains. My favorite Zeppelin song. The stain remains the same. That is leakage, and that is... The dog sitter said she didn't know anything about that. Oh, I don't know about that.

To be completely honest, I don't know anything about that. To be completely honest. As soon as he pulled out, I went into the shower. Well, they're in the perfect situation, too. Any dog owner, like fart situation, just blame the dog. The dog, that's dog. That's dog saliva. That's dog.

Well, I wouldn't know anything about that because I know that I took a shower at his house and I sat on the couch in a towel and that was before my friends got there, she explained. Even if you sat on my couch in a towel, you're fired. Who sits on a couch in the wet towel? Zero tolerance, Jason Sklo. I will not support it. Zero tolerance. Zero tolerance. Towel-erance.

Good album title. Zero tolerance. And you're on the cover in a towel. Just in like a high, like all the way up above the nipples, like old towel that your mom would wear. Yeah. Quote, it was just a total mess and I can only imagine what poor Jimbo saw in there. But he was in the bedroom.

But he was not. He wouldn't have seen anything. They were very professional with Jimbo. That's my only like, my only thing with this. That is a sex move. Sometimes you got to put the animals away. But I'm like, as a dog owner. Sometimes you got to put the loo back in the car.

As the dog owner, I'm having a hard time seeing any, like, being mad at the dog walker. Right. Like, they were very, like, you put the dog away. You didn't get the dog involved. The dog didn't see anything. I'm like, you can stay on as my dog walker. You don't know what the dog saw or didn't see or heard or didn't hear.

According to Wag, this specific dog owner had a rating of, what would you guys like to guess? Out of how many? Five. Out of five. It's like any. Five being the best. Yes, five being the best. What do you think this dog owner's rating was?

From experience, I would say five. I would say she keeps a tight lid on past discretions. Okay. And people don't know she keeps a tight lid. This is a 3.5 star. Okay. This is a 4.1 star. 4.1 from Randy.

What'd you say, Jay? 3.5. 3.5. Well, then if we're going to go points, I'm going to say like 4.8. Okay. Okay. Out of five, after completing a combination of 305 dog walks and dog sittings. That's a lot.

Oof. And bang sessions. She had. Doggy styles. Community lube experiences. She had a rating of. Get your answers in now, Tony. Oh, before we do it really quick, any other plugs?

Denver? Yeah, we'll be in Denver. You just were. Yeah, and then we'll be, come see us at the All Things Comedy Festival doing a live Dumb People Town. Good luck, guys. Nice. Dan, you're part of that. You're there. Oh, hey. Yeah, Dan, you're there. End of October. End of October, and then we'll be doing a live Dumb People Town. Good luck, guys. Dan, you're part of that. You're there. Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, Dan, you're there. End of October. End of October, and then we'll be doing a live stand-up show. The next night. At the Tempe Improv. That's Friday night. I think it's like the 27th. 27th.

But 25th is our Dumb People Town. 25th is our Dumb People Town. 26th, it's a Thursday night. 26th is our thing. Can I just say, we're already at the plugs. This is a very bite-sized podcast. Bite-sized. We just kept this.

Right after that, All Things Comedy Festival, I'm going to be starting the second leg of my tour. November 1st in Seattle, then the second in Bellingham, the third in Eugene, the fourth in Portland, the fifth in San Francisco, and the ninth in LA

at the Dynasty Typewriter Theater. Go to danielvankirk.com. Pacific Northwest. To come. I've got a lot more dates coming up, so chances are I'm coming somewhere

near. My own stomping grounds. I can hook you up with people to avoid. Okay. got a lot more dates coming up, so chances are I'm coming somewhere. My old stomping grounds. I can hook you up with people to avoid. Okay. I can hook you up with a dog walk. Look out for

Those Who Can't on season three. Season three. Coach Peters. Coming hard. Other than that, a coming in spot. That's it.

Your show, Blind Barber Show, is when? Blind Barber Show is when Blind Barber Show is last Monday of every month Barber Secret Show at gmail.com

to get on the list for that Do it It is really fun Sclars will be there someday soon Dan will be back We'll have some more

Yeah of course I have good comics to send your way Alright But I will tell you if you're in my audience Shut up Look forward

Put your phone down and enjoy it When our theme song comes on Shut your stupid mouth and get ready to laugh Order your drink, get away from the bar Shut your gum hole I've been having a hard time with the bartenders

Because they make shaky drinks Shake them down low Put a silencer on that mojito Please Her rating out of 5 is What did you say, Rand? I said 4.1 3.5,? I said 4.1. What'd you say, Jay?

3.5. 4.8. 4.8. I saved that. Four. Okay. Point. Nine, six.

Whoa! Oh, my God. Just stuck with five, Andy Peters. I'm telling you, with experience in this, with the robber lady that we had, it takes a lot. People just don't know. How many walks did you say she had? 325. 305.

No, you gotta assume she's doing weird stuff. Everywhere. She said, quote, I'd like to apologize to him for making him feel like I violated his house because that wasn't my intention. That's nice. I misinterpreted information and I had guests over when I shouldn't have, said the sitter.

There's no information that you misinterpreted. I'm sorry. I know you're trying to be nice right now, but you tried to pull some shit and you got caught. Just accept it. Walk away. Zero tolerance. We'll get out of here on this. There's a couple statements from WAG

who addressed their action on the matter. We have launched an investigation into the incident and have suspended the sitter from our platform. The circumstances around this incident are unacceptable and we expect everyone on our platform to conduct themselves within a professional manner. The trust and safety of the wag community is our top priority, and we are working with the dog's owner to restore his trust. To me, I think her wag...

This is their blanket. This is like the exact verbatim statement they sent us when they were putting makeup on my dog. Did you get reimbursed by them for the money you spent? And stealing checks. Did you get makeup? Makeup and checks stealing. You should have get reimbursed by them for the money you sent? And stealing checks. Did you get makeup? Makeup and checks stealing. You should have been reimbursed by WAG. This is the same statement.

Did you get reimbursed by WAG? Yeah. Yeah. And that's what took forever, because they kept sending us emails that were like, we're doing a full-scale investigation. All right. And I'm like, let's maybe just call the lady who took my check,

and I have the check. I have her signature on a check. You know the little, like, the check behind? It wasn't like a perfect crime or anything. By the way, her username. There's the check. I have her signature on a check. You know the little, like, the check behind? It wasn't like a perfect crime or anything. By the way, her username. There's another check. Her username should be Shaggy. Because people walked in and she's like, it wasn't me.

Okay. Shaggy. That's a mini, guys. That's a mini. There you go. Andy Peters. Follow him on the Twitters. At Andy underscore Peters.

Because I didn't. It's okay. And on the Instagrams as well. At Andy M. Peters. Because, again, didn't get I didn't. It's okay. And on the Instagrams as well. Andy and Peters, because again, didn't get it there either. It's okay. Follow him. He's great. And, oh shit, we've got to get back to work.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Stick around, make a sound, calm your down, it's Dumb People Town