Dumb People Town - Andy Richter - How ‘Bout a Shotgun, Dummy?

Episode Date: March 6, 2018

This week, comedian Andy Richter (CONAN) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a fight over cheesecake leads to an arrest. Story #2 features a mailbox full of fish. In Story #3, a woman pulls multiple worms out of her e...

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. And don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. On your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Richter. Oh, my God. We're on the of Dumb People Town. Population you? Population Richter. Oh, my God. We're on the Richter scale right now. We are. Our good friend Andy Richter has joined us, and we are so happy to have you in Dumb People Town.

Thank you. Thank you. This is, as we were describing it. I've been an honorary citizen for years. Unknowingly. Unwittingly. We all do dumb things. I mean, but I believe, and I don't know if you believe this, but subscribe to the idea, and Jason and Dan and I, we've talked about this at length, that the world is getting

dumber. Yes. Either the world is getting dumber or dumber is getting louder. Yeah. Or dumb and smarter fighting and dumb just has like dumb strength and is like pushing it down. I think, well, definitely dumb is on the uptick. Dumb.

Dumb. Yeah. Dumb had its revenge. You know. This is like the- But it's also, the current brand of dumb is very white. I'm sorry. I know people don't like to hear that, but it's a very white brand of dumb.

It's like a white hot dumb. And I think the whiteness precedes the dumbness. It's a white hot dumb, and it's coming in your face. Why would I say that? I don't know. All right. Well, Daniel Van Kirk is with us. Hi,'s coming in your face. Is that? What? Why would I say that? I don't know. All right. Well, Daniel Van Kirk is with us. Hi, Dan.

Hey, friend. Nice to see you. How are you? I'm always surprised that Dan's here. It's recognizable. He only drives this ship, the dumb ship that's coming. We have great stories. And let's just jump into one right now because we have Andy Richter here.

I'm going to read you the headline. First of all, let me say who sent it in. Because so many townies. Hashtag dumb people town at Daniel Van Kirk. This is one a lot of people sent to you. Yes.

Tony. He just has two heart emoticons on either side of his name. At, at, I know. I know. At Tone Dog.

Tone Dog. T-O-N-D-O-G. At Tone Dog. Two hearts, tone deaf? Sounds like Tone Dog. It actually does read that way as well. It also reads Tone Dog. Two hearts. Tone deaf? Sounds like Tone Dog. It actually does read that way as well. It also reads Tone Dog.

Yes, it does. Tone Dog. Tone OG. Okay. Tone OG. I'm going to read you the headline. Fight over cheesecake portion leads to arrest. Okay.

That's dumb people town at its finest. If you can't control your cheesecake fight. Now, I'm saying there will be a cheesecake fight. So you understand that on a base level that there's a fight over cheesecake. I've seen my kids fight over the last little bit of ice cream. I've seen it happen.

There will be a cheesecake fight. But if you can't contain it in the house, you got to go out. I'm assuming these are adults. Are we going to get more details? Oh, yeah. We'll get more details. Alright. A Moundville man is facing domestic abuse. Moundville.

Come on. What should we call it? Come on. What should we call it? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Well, we got the mound, so... He's right.

Ray's right. We do have the mound. Hey, should we call it Mound Town? No. Mound Town? I don't like things that rhyme. We'll call the arcade Mound Town, but, should we call it Mound Town? No. I don't like things that rhyme. We'll call the arcade Mound Town, but we got to call the place Mound what?

Mound. Moundinson. Mound. Moundville sounds classier. I like Moundville. It does. Moundville is classier. I like Moundville.

Because we are a ville. When you look at what we've created, it's a ville. It takes a ville. That's the reason I slipped into Sam Elliott. Mound and son. Mound and son. A Moundville man is facing a domestic violence charge after a disagreement with his brother over a piece of cheesecake. The Moundville Times reported that Moundville banks toby banks is the chief of police sure

and he's now in this fight he was called to honestly that he sounds sexy though toby banks yeah yeah toby banks sounds like somebody who keeps telling you his opinion then says to you says to you right that's just toby banks opinion toby toby banks covers the mound but the thing about toby banks he sounds like a male model who married Tyra Banks but took her last name. Why wouldn't you? You know what I'm saying? When he runs for public office later in life,

it will be Toby Banks ain't shooting blanks. Toby Banks was called to a disturbance at a residence where half-brothers lived together. Half-brothers. There it is. There's the beginning of the movie. Who's the more legit brother who has more love of their father one of them told the police and or this reporter you put half

brother in there yeah yeah they kept saying it so you guys are brothers half yeah just like a guy that bitch ain't my mama you son of a half cheesecake. They were called to the residence where the half brothers lived together. There's a very specific... At noon on December 26th, which means, in my opinion, a fight started on Christmas that people tried to push down.

It bubbled over into Boxing Day. Yes. It bubbled over into literally... Literally Boxing Day. I mean, they're not boxing the gifts up. Well, I can't stop thinking of whenever I hear cheesecake, Kevin Meaney, may he rest in peace,

his old bit about the cheesecake fresh imported. Like on the menus in New York, it says imported. Imported. No, not in New York. Imported New York cheesecake. Like the cheesecake, he said the cheesecake boats are coming into the dock. So he'd get up, we'd all come down to the docks and cheesecake boats coming, we'll party tonight. That's what I think of. Meaney, I miss you, my friend. Toby Banks. We'd all come down to the dice and cheesecake boats coming. We'll party tonight.

That's what I think of. I miss you, my friend. Toby Banks said he was asked for his opinion on whether the piece of cake was big enough for a grown fucking man. Which means the cop shows up. These two half brothers are going at it. And now they decide, let's ask him. We'll bring him into it. It's so great, too, that it's still, the cheesecake has not been eaten yet. It's still out.

This is not an after-the-fact thing. It's evidence, Andy. It's like, this is, yeah, no, it's like this is a title bout. Right. And the cheesecake is the belt. Right. Yeah. And now, like a hockey replay, they've gone to the cops to bring in what they think.

Let's call Toronto. See if they know. Nothing tastes better than cheesecake that's been left out for a long time. I'm going to show you guys the picture. Of the cheesecake? Yes. We get to decide. You tell me if it's big enough for a fucking grown man. Okay, ready?

Is that enough cheesecake? Yes! For those at home, it's a very generous piece serving of cheesecake. With amazing caramel sauce all over the top of it. It's making me hungry how much is there right now. I don't want cheesecake. By the way, and I don't want to spin this terrible domestic dispute into a positive, but if I am from the Cheesecake Council, it is so good, it's good enough for half-brothers

to fight over. Yeah, yeah. You could make a commercial out of this. Right, right. But I love that these two half-brothers, it is the day after Christmas, which means it's probably leftover cheesecake. Right, right. Somebody said to the other brother, like Rick said to Steve,

Will you grab me a piece of cheesecake? No problem, half brother. Or I think it's probably like, I left you a slice. Don't worry, I left you some. You better have left me a slice. I left you a slice. A perfect grown man slice. Because it looks like you have a lot right there. So how much did you left me?

He's eating it as he says, I left you a slice. Fuck you, Earl. Go look. There's an adult portion right there. Adult portion, man. I don't know who you think is an adult. And he's eating. He's eating the whole time.

He's eating the rest. A way bigger piece. I'm assuming, too, that these guys, they didn't damage each other enough that they were unable to call the police or unable to, like, talk to the police in some sort of, like, way where there was enough,

there was enough calm in the situation to ask Toby to adjudicate a slice of cheesecake, which makes me think that the actual blows that were exchanged

were enough to really win them. Yeah. Like, they both became very easily win the attire. And then we're like, get Toby over here. Somebody's got to settle this. We need to settle this.

One of those fights where you've gotten some distance and you go, hold on! Hold on! Jesus! Leave the cheesecake alone! Both of them are leaning over, grabbing their knees like NBA players who are tired. Yeah.

According to court records, the older brother was still holding the butcher knife he used to cut the dessert when they began arguing about Portia's side. By the way, who's using a butcher knife to cut cheesecake? That's me. Me. Were you going to use a table? No. I don't know.

You use like a regular. No, you're already too angry yeah yeah so so one brother is staying the older brother's standing there with the butcher knife cutting the cheesecake raised raised is it raised the victim told police the victim told police his brother punched him in the face and busted his lip wow the victim told police chief he felt threatened by the knife the older brother said he was just holding it and never intended to use it. What? I'm just...

That's it. I'm just holding it. Put it down, sir. That sounds legit. I'm just holding it in a fist. Right. Above my head. With the knife.

Above my head with the blade pointed at his face. Caramel dripping. The way you hold it off of it. The way you hold a knife. Why is that bad? After he punched the face, he licked the knife. That is a sign of a knife. You won't come at me again.

So if you're doing the math here, Earl is cutting the cheesecake with a knife. Unfairly. Rick is standing there and thinks to himself, he's got a knife. We're about to fight. I might as well hit him first. He's like a prince. We're about to fight. I might as well hit him first. Yeah. He's like a prick.

I thought. No, the guy with the knife hit the other guy. No, the knife was the puncher, too. Yeah, the knife was the puncher, too. Yeah, really? So the knife punched him. Knife punched and then held the knife. And held the knife, too.

Yeah, yeah. Punch and then what are you going to do about it? That's a real power play. Not only is he portion controlling, he has a knife and he lashes out first. Regular Marie Callender over here. You ready to hear what the guy with the knife and the punch what he told Toby Banks? According to a police report, the suspect

told police chief, quote, they were arguing over the pie. Is it pie? It's cake. It is. It's Moundville. No rules. But he only patted the victim on the face and head like a dog. That's a big enough piece.

I don't want to know how this guy treats dogs then. Right, right. Lip-splitting dog. He patted him on the head. I did not punch him. I patted him on the head and face like a dog. The way you pat a dog on the face. The way you pat a dog to prepare for a fight with Michael Vick's dog.

Sure, sure. When a dog is complaining about portion size. My dog constantly complains about portion size. I actually am, though. When you showed that picture of the cheesecake, that was better than what I thought Moundville would have to offer in terms of cheesecake. That looked restaurant quality.

I thought I was expecting straight-up Sarah Lee. That was imported New York cheesecake. Let me ask you guys. It does say here whether or not Toby Banks thought it was the size equivalent for a man. Do you guys believe that he said it was or was not a man-sized slice? Did the officer walk in and have the same thought that we did that this is a size better for me? No. Is he going to be a peacemaker or is he going to be honest? Stir the pot.

Is he going to stir the pot? Is he going to stay Moundville true? Hashtag Moundville true. I bet you he said it was a little thin. I bet you he said it was a little small. I kind of see what you're saying. It's a little small. It's nicely garnished but you know. I actually think

he's going to have a problem with the garnish and would probably say, could I have had a few nuts sprinkled on it? But do you think the size? I mean, it's a good size. I would have put some nuts on it. It's a good size, though. He would pick something about it that wasn't about the size. Where's the pecans?

He says it's the right size. I think he says it's big enough for a grown man. By the way, Andy Richter made a distinct choice to have Toby Banks not know how to use plural. Where's the pecans? Where is the pecan? After Banks was asked his opinion on whether the piece of cake was big enough for a grown man, he replied

that he thought it was. That's what I said! Peacemaker! Toby Banks, Peacemaker. To which one of those brothers is like, I told you! And it's the one with the knife! It's the knife wielder! He sided with the punching knife wielder.

Toby Banks could not determine what type of cheesecake sparked the dispute. The Moundville paper reported, but he thought it might be one of those no-baked boxed cheesecakes imported. The older brother was charged with third degree... Yeah, Toby, this is the Moundville Express. What kind of cheesecake do you think it was? That was box.

Like a box. No baked. Was it baked? Do you think it was baked? I mean, if it's in a box, can it be baked? I don't think it can. It's either either or. Boxed or baked. Once it's boxed, if they bake it, it goes on fire. The older brother was charged with third-degree domestic violence harassment.

He spent 24 hours in jail, mandatory for a domestic charge, before he was released. The news does not usually print the names of people facing misdemeanor charges. I don't know why. Then, get this. This reporter just goes off on their own little thing at the end here and writes, Experts don't recommend using a butcher knife to cut cheesecake. Thank you. Thank you, Melville Express.

A sharp, thin-bladed slicing knife or hollow-edged knife dipped in warm water reduces drag and makes a cleaner cut. Then they wrote this. When did this suddenly become the great British baking show? I don't know. Then they wrote this. Unscented dental floss is also recommended to get a clean cut.

From cheesecake. Okay, who is wrapping dental floss around their neck and just going lightly down? Let me get my molars first before I make that slice. No, no, no, because that's another fight. Alright. You use that. That's crazy. Unscented dental floss

to like get the, that to me is like an artist's crazy. Unscented dental floss to get the... That, to me, is like an artist's way. Although, how do you... I guess you got to go the whole length of it. You would have to. The whole length of it. That seems like a pain in the ass. Yeah, I agree.

All right, come on. Obviously, from that picture, the guy did not have any trouble with drag because that was a beautifully beautifully crafted piece of cheese. No, like he looked like which leads me to believe, Andy, that not only was it boxed, it was pre-cut.

Yes, it probably was pre-cut. But he just used the butcher knife to because it had a longer But did he drizzle the sauce on top? I mean, how can the guy be mad? Almost like he drizzled the top and then he took like a little, you know, rag or whatever

and just cleaned the edge the way a chef does. You know, like a chef. Unless know, rag or whatever and just cleaned it off the edge. Unless that's tobacco juice from when he punched him. It could be a little bit of Skully Bandit. Mr. Spitter. It didn't end up in the Mountain Dew. We can't tell. We can't smell it.

You split my lip and I lost some Copenhagen. McCope. Copenhagen. All right, I'm going to ask you guys this. Okay. Okay. We play this game a lot, Andy. It's called Guess the Age.

Okay. They don't give the name, but the older brother, with the knife and the punching, how old do you think he was? Now, in Dumb People Town, a lot of times we have old people who live together. Sometimes we have young kids who live together. Sure, of course. Based off everything you know, you're our guest. You can go first.

54. 54. Flat out 54. 54 years old. From the knife-wielding, punching, cake-cutting man. Randy or Jason? I think he's 38. 38 years old. Yeah. It just seems

like old enough to get into a physical fight. Not so old that he would know better. On the holidays. Although when you really get old, I think he's 61. Because I think when you really- Living with his half-brother. Yeah, living with his half-brother.

Both of them going through divorces. All the parents are dead. Yeah, all the parents who created this situation are gone. I'm making no inference. That's just how I've pictured it. Yeah, yeah. I think he's 61, and I think it's because at that point in time,

a slice of cheesecake is something he was thinking about all day. When he went to bed on Christmas Day. It's not a young mind that can be diverted by other things. This is like there's a feeling wherever, and we don't know what life expectancy in Moundville, but this may be my last piece of cheesecake. Kind of that place. I think he's 61.

Okay. According to court records, the older brother in the cheesecake fight. Yell at your ham radios right now, people. Get your answers in, friends. Townies. 24 years old. Off by 30 years. I think that these guys were home for Christmas break

and started fighting over a cheesecake. They probably brought that cheesecake home were home for Christmas break. Oh, my God. And started fighting over a cheesecake. Yeah, they probably brought that cheesecake home from Grandma's or something. There's so many times in Dumb People Town where those guys are well into their 60s. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Especially in Moundville. I, like Andy, pictured them as a much older. I did.

I just saw them as, yeah. Just an old dude. He probably looks 50-something. Yeah. Right, right. That's story one, friends. All right, there we go. Story one, down in the books. Andy. Right, right. That's story one, friends. All right, there we go. Story one down in the books.

Andy Richter is here. Thank God. Thank God to sort out this cheesecake mess. We have two more stories. I'm very excited. So stay with us. Don't go anywhere. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to Dumb People Town. I know, Andy. We're back. That's how fast we're back. That's the break is. I love, by the way, following you on Twitter, not just because you're funny, but also you speak your mind on Twitter, which is beautiful. Oh, it's beautiful the break is. I love, by the way, following you on Twitter, not just because you're funny, but also you speak your mind on Twitter. Oh, thank you.

Which is beautiful. Oh, it's beautiful. Thank you. And you go for it, which I think is really wonderful to see in that medium. Oh, thank you. I don't think people do. Thank you. As Dr. Laura said, shut up and dribble to you.

That's not Dr. Laura. That's Laura Ingram. Those are two different people. I think of them as the same person. But they are. It's very understandable that you would put those two together. All white women who don't know what they're talking about, who tell other people to shut up, they could be Dr. Laura.

But I mean, the shut up and dribble could be, someone could be like, shut up and be the sidekick on this thing. Yes, no, I know. And shut up and do your thing. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I know. I'm sure you well that's the the hilarious day after when she was accused she said that the shut up and dribble was accused that people were accusing her of racism for saying shut up and dribble which it was more like the i don't think that was what people thought was

racist it was more the part where you said, why are they always running their mouths? Yeah, exactly. Who do you mean by they? I wonder. I don't think you can use the word uppity nowadays. Without it being taken the wrong way. Why not just say those people? Why are they

taking uppity the wrong way? Because it's the wrong word. And I tried in my brain to be like is there a discussion that could be made about these things like is there a point that could be made by somebody that says i think the second your president has no like political like experience at all all that discussion of who gets to say what they want about politics is gone right right like it's gone if he's allowed to talk about it then anybody can well and it's i mean then they pointed out the

hypocrisy of the you know fucking scott baio and yeah and ted nugent and antonio sabato jr like they had antonio sabato jr on to talk about isis yeah you know so it's like it's that's a ridiculous part but the thing i loved is that she was absolutely indignant that the shut up and dribble would be, that people would say that was racist because she was just playing off the title of her book from 15 years ago, Shut Up and Sing. Shut Up and Sing. And she said, I've been saying variants of that forever. And it's like, nobody fucking knows about your 15-year-old book.

Oh, man. I've been telling people to shut up and do the thing that they do well. fucking knows about your 15-year-old book? Oh, man. I've been telling people to shut up and do the thing that they do well for a year. Shut up and do your occupation. Shut up and garden is what she said to her gardeners for a year. By the way, she

said to Ray Fines once, shut up and garden. Shut up and garden constantly. Shut up and constantly garden. The fact that she thought everyone would know that she was playing off her catchphrase like no nobody knows that you idiot i think it's i think it's inspiring because i think what you know what she said no i think what uh what you do is inspiring because thank you not only do i think you are hilarious in everything that you're in but i do think it takes a certain amount of...

You're going to step out on that ledge? You're stepping out on the ledge and making a point about something you believe in and believing in it. I'm sure you get a lot of neg. I'm sure you also are a little bit. I do, but you know what? I don't know. I just don't, like, I don't...

I mean, because believe me, there's a lot of people that I feel like, oh, take it down a notch, like celebrities that's – and I only do it really on Twitter. And in places like this because Twitter to me is – that's just me. I mean, I do some kind of promotion things usually mostly for other people, for friends and things. But mostly it's just because like I don't get out of the house much. some kind of promotion things usually mostly for other people for friends and things right but mostly it's just because like i don't get out of the house much right and if i think of a joke i want to share it with people yes and honestly and twitter too for me is totally an ongoing conversation with friends that i've known for years or friends that I've known for less time, but that I've never met.

Like I have friends on Twitter that are really legitimately, I consider friends, but I've never met them face to face. You have that too, in a great way. And it's really, you know, like you can be at home on, you know, on a Sunday night at 10 p.m.

and joking with your friends, you know, joking around with your friends, which is, you know, on a Sunday night at 10 p.m. and joking with your friends, you know, joking around with your friends, which is, to me, what's always been the main thing I like about my work and about my career is having fun, joking around with funny people. That's always been the main thing to me. So I just, you know, and then I just kind of feel like while i'm there and i've and i and i have people listening i'm gonna say things that really truly are not meant to as they say virtue signal they're meant to say like i think that the world would be a better place if we did this like or if we had less guns if we were if we treated women better

if if people of color were in more positions of power all these kind of things and i'm always trying to i'm most of the time i mean sometimes i just get mad but most of the time i'm trying to convince people of something so i'm always thinking of persuasion you know i'm not just being like you know you know that's spewing out hate yeah well it's like you know it's like you know i have i don't have a lot of purity tests except for uh a woman's right to choose like i don't i don't that's not no that's not negotiable for me right right uh lgbt rights yeah i can't keep up with the letters there's so many letters uh but though but they want the whole alphabet now i mean what is that those rights those rights are are non-negotiable yeah yeah um but like even like guns people are like you want to ban guns no i don't i just think you

should leave them at home and i don't think you need a fucking machine gun. Yep. And they'll be like, machine gun? What does that mean? You know, just... Yeah, yeah. You know, the ones that fire so rapidly and powerfully that if you had one for home protection, you would be endangering people in the next room.

Yeah, or in the next house. If an intruder came into your house and you shot them with an AR-15, the bullet could go through them, through a wall, and kill your family. So, like, how about a shotgun, dummy? You know? How about a shotgun dummy could be the title of your next book?

I'm going to say this, and then we'll get into the next story. The stuff you wrote about, and we talked about this. Remember when we read it? The stuff you wrote about like depression and feeling depressed. Even when you have everything and things might be going well for you, not understanding that it is chemical in many ways. Yeah, yeah. That was super deep, super real, and I thought like super eye-opening and just beautifully written.

Oh, thank you. So thank you for doing that. Thank you. Yeah. And it was in response to somebody. Somebody said, depression is a choice. And it wasn't anybody that I knew. It was somebody that –

Thwarted, retweeted, and got a two-day. Yeah, somebody brought it into my timeline to make fun of the person or to – Call them out. Yeah, call out the person right and i told them to go fuck themselves and then and i which is like that's and i even said it it's shooting fish in a barrel to to say because something like that is so but it really did bother me and i drove my daughter to school and i still felt and I as I was driving to school I was thinking about it and uh so now it's infiltrated your time with your kids and you're a busy guy I was a human

being that was made angry by this yes and so I actually after I dropped my daughter off I pulled over and I wrote some tweets just explaining like that I depression is a burden that i've carried my whole life and to have somebody dismiss it uh is a real is you know that's them telling me to go fuck myself in a very non-discipline in a very indirect way that's right so something that like you know i i've and and one of the points that i was trying to make is that like I have done pretty well playing the game of life and in many ways. And like I said there, too, there's not a lot of self-pity, but I have been playing hurt. You know, I have been it's I have I have an extra, you know, there's like it takes a little extra for me to for me to just cope. And, you know, a lot of people for a lot of people,

that is the real deal. Yeah. And actually, you know, just recently in, and that was, that was at a time where like, I actually just recently changed medications and went back and changed doctors. And, um, because I, I, I was getting, I was, I was getting, it was getting bad again. And it was kind of like the medication that I was on, there was like a slow seepage of the same kind of just, where I just kind of reached a point where I just kind of felt like, well, I guess my baseline is never enjoying anything. And that's pretty much, that's the story for me for the rest of my life. And it was actually my wife who was like, you know, maybe your medication, maybe you're due for a change.

And I was like, you know, it's like when somebody says something so simple and I was like, I should know better. I mean, for as much therapy as I've had and as much experience as I've had with depression, I should know better. Yeah, no shit. There's no reason to put up with being miserable there's no reason to put up with with feeling literally like i just won't enjoy things for the rest of my life you know so many people deal with that and i'll say this about not to bring it back to the show but i say this about this show a lot people tell us, this is like doing the show, and I'm sure for you, even doing your show,

the idea that you can take people away from it for just a brief period and give them that thing that they look forward to and lift them up in a certain way is, to me, I think, one of the best things you can do. And when I talk to my kids, I'm like, yeah,

I don't really make a physical thing, but actually, I think, environmentally, it's more sound and it's better. We give people an experience and it's a positive thing that then they take with them and that's so valuable in so many ways. I've always really enjoyed doing this for a living because when you look at, you're making people, which is like one of the primal evidences of happiness. You know, you're literally making people happy. If even for a moment, you know, it's, and it's, and that's a pretty beautiful thing. So you're like, yeah, it's a beautiful thing.

So, yeah, no, it's, but it's also too, I've had a lot of people. And once again, you know, my Midwestern curmudgeonly, you know, we had a phrase, don't toot your own horn. Yes. The notion of like a famous person doing that sort of performative, I have suffered and I'm sharing my story so that others may learn. I always felt like, oh, take it easy, you know, whomever. But because, and I have to credit my mother because there has been a lot of depression. It's a hereditary thing. It's in your family.

And from an early age, my mom was very frank about us getting help for it and about everybody in the family. She was always very open to therapy. That's not very Midwestern. Yeah. And for the family and for individuals. So I've always been very frank about it. And when people have asked me about it, I've been very frank about it. And over time, the amount of people who have told me how valuable that frankness was to them and how, you know, I had, I did a, John Moe does a podcast. He's, he's done a lot of NPR. He did, he did a podcast. I don't know, I don't know if he's still done it. I think it was a limited run called the hilarious world of

depression. That was just talking about mostly comedians and what a common stripe depression is throughout funny people. And I did an episode of that and I had so much face-to-face feedback about how valuable that was and what that meant to people. Like a guy in the Warner Brothers commissary

came up to me and was almost in tears. Like a Southern accent was like, you know, I've been feeling this my whole life. Everybody in my life told me just to get over it, just like you can handle it. And he said, and hearing you on that thing made me go to therapy. And I was just, you know. And that's why you put it out there. Holy shit. I'm a fucking jerk off on TV.

You know what I mean? And you are. Let's be honest. You know what I mean? I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a minister.

I mean, I don't mean to bring it back to the thing, but my only thing that I would say to you is shut up and dribble. But it is good. Should we get into another story? Yes, yes. Let's do it. Enough about me. No, I love it.

No, no, that's all right. I brought it up because I actually really loved it. All right, let's jump into it. This was sent in by Zombie Banana. Yes, of course. At burnitdown2016. Oh, that's helpful. Yep.

I'm just a question about that. So you want to burn it down. That could also be like, hey, we're going to light it up. We're going to have a great, let's burn it down. They have a great 2016. Right. But then when that year has come and passed,

you missed your chance. You didn't really burn it down. We're still here. Still here. Maybe it's from a festival called burn it down. And they were specifically loved. Burn it down. Maybe that's like splinter festival,

like slam dances to Sundance. From the Burning Man. It's Burn It Down Festival, right? Or it just could mean a joint, dude. Yeah, man. Some sweet reefers. I'm going to read. Here's what they wrote.

You've got mail. I do not like when menus... I don't like when menus or articles talk to me like we know each other. When a menu is like, you're in luck here. You're reading about our chicken tender. Dan, you're a very folksy guy, and it comes from Midwest, but you also don't love when a waiter or waitress sits down at the table with you. Oh, I hate that.

What are we having? You're not eating with us. I have to give them credit because they're taking what they're doing and bumping it up a notch, but you don't like that. All right, so keep that in mind.'ve got mail you got mail unfortunately it's two raw fish and their severed heads are stinking up your mailbox all right one northwest knoxville woman had that experience on wednesday afternoon and she said it's not the first time someone has put fish in her mailbox you've pissed somebody off yeah yeah yeah right that's again this feels

like a dr. Phil saying. Yeah. That's not the first time. Yeah, you got fish in your mailbox. You got to take that fish out of your mailbox. Angela Brookshire. Isn't there a company, Brookshire? Yeah, Brookshire Farms.

How would you describe Angela Brookshire? She's the type of person that other people want to put dead fish in their mailbox. I think even her skin is gingham. Yeah. And she always has a braid. Yeah. Always. One thick, thick braid. By the way, like Brookshire Arms,

that would be the name of the worst apartment building in your town. That feels like... It's really run down. Why don't they mow the lawn once in a while? It's Brookshire Arms. Why don't they mow the lawn once in a while? It's Brookshire. Angela Brookshire called the Knoxville Police Department's non-emergency number after someone put the fish... Good for her, by the way, for calling the non-emergency.

Not calling 911. We've had many people say, call 911. Many people would argue that the cheesecake fight probably should have gone to the non-emergency. I'm already on her side, you know? Called the Knoxville Police Department's non-emergency number after someone put the fish whole with their head sliced off and lying next to their bodies in her mailbox at her home on Wood Glen Drive. What time of year are we talking? This time. This time of year.

So it's cold. So it's not as bad as the summertime fish. Exactly. If it's chilly in Knoxville, which I mentioned it is, you've got dinner. You don't just have mail. And depending on what kind of fish it is. If it's trout, that's great. If it's carp, eh.

Nobody wants carp. By the way, I have been doing this thing now where I don't want to get bills so badly that I won't get my mail for like three or four days. If I were this woman, I would be ruining my- Jay, your mailbox, you'd have to get a new mailbox. Right, right. Because how do you- I mean, people don't clean the inside of their mailboxes. No, not anymore.

There's none of that. Also, in my family, when we catch carp, you just throw those behind you. You don't even throw them back in. You don't even throw them back in? Oh, they're just garbage fish. They're not good fish. Yeah, yeah. Too many bones.

Bluegill I loved. Oh, yeah. blue gill i loved oh yeah sunfish a good fish pretty bony too not like carp yeah carp and they don't even put up a fight a carp just lets you drag it in when you catch it they're the worst fish all around they're like not fun nope a plastic bag left on the ground next to the mailbox identified the fish as tilapia. Oh. Well, that's a nice white fish. Two cans of sardines had been placed in the mailbox, which had no mail inside. The newspaper box also had fish in it. Our paper smelled like fish, Angela Brookshire said.

I'm just going to say this. This is why I always give a bonus to my mail carrier every year. Maybe she didn't give. He's showing us a picture. There's a mailbox. Go to the Facebook page, facebook.com. That's a really big mailbox, too. First of all, you look at that and you say to yourself... It's like a microwave. It is. I don't know

why seeing it makes it seem like more of a violent act. You know what I mean? Seeing it just is like... Well, you hear fish head and it's one thing. You see fish head. It's a different... According to Brookshire, the KPD,

Knoxville Police Department, officer... Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. ...who responded to the home said the family should report the incident to the U.S. Postal Inspector.

So KPD's trying to pass this off. Yeah, we can't do anything. That's federal. That's a federal crime? It actually is federal. It a federal crime? It actually is federal. It is federal crime. It's like a scene in Die Hard where the feds show up and just start taking over this little Knoxville

case. Mailboxes are considered federal property. Tampering with them is a federal crime. Wednesday's special delivery marks an escalation since last week when Brookshire said someone mixed canned sardines and anchovies with mustard and left it in a pile in her mailbox.

This is the second time. This is the second time she's had mailbox tomfoolery. Right. Who did she piss off? I think there's a cat that's in love with her. Maybe. This could be. Exactly.

I love. Thank you for all the pets. Meow. Thank you for all the, you know, springing it, laying it at her feet. Stray cat laying the it at her feet. Laying the kill at her feet. Whenever my soon-to-be son-in-law, never heard a person described like that in my entire life. Soon-to-be son-in-law is a lot of pressure.

It says to me she likes him a lot. Daughter's fiance. How about that, honey? Wherever my soon-to-be son-in-law checks the mail. Or, by the way, just dating. And she's trying to bump it a little bit further. They're not even engaged. She won't let it drop.

This is my daughter and my soon-to-be son-in-law. Mom! He's just the neighbor. Like, Mom, we're not even dating. God. He's the mailman. Yeah, yeah. Because she's worried that her daughter's gay.

Like, there's that moment where she's like, soon-to-be son-in-law. Mom. Whenever my soon-to-be son-in-law checked the mail, he said that somebody had put poop in there, Angela Brookshire said. What? And when I went out there, I said, no, it's not poop, it's fish.

Okay, so. This kid's an idiot. By the way, it had to be relieved. Had to be relieved when it wasn't poop. Yeah, but. I don't know. It's really. It's so aggressive.

Six of one. I know. It's true. yeah. It's so aggressive. Six of one. I know. It's true. Brooke Shire, Angela Brooke Shire said her family think they know who's responsible. Okay, so now we're getting somewhere. Now we're into it. I like this. This is not the turn I saw coming in this story.

Okay, so we're all sitting here. We're at the edge, and we have no idea where this is going to go. Right. The mail is coming from inside the house. What? No idea where this is going to go. The mail is coming from inside the house. What?

They believe, that's Angela and her family, their neighbors are exacting revenge after Angela's husband backed out of a deal to sell them a puppy. I wish every townie could see Andy Richter right now. It's a level of disgust. Oh, Jesus. By the way, selling a puppy, I didn't realize that was

such a big deal. I don't know. Maybe they're ethnic. Maybe it's like a Ukrainian classic revenge for puppy back out is fish. We put fish in mailbox. I think I love too, the mustard.

The fact that they're actually going to press. Or cutting the heads off. Like, leave the heads off? What does it matter? Yeah, yeah. But if they didn't sell the puppy, but they kept the puppy, now the neighbors have to see that

puppy every day, dancing around on the lawn. How close to the deal did every day dancing around on the lawn like how close to the deal did they get yeah we're just and by the way how many people are like we're just drawing up the paperwork for the puppy no what paperwork is filled out for a puppy also too if angela kept is angela yeah yeah if she kept the puppy what i would fucking do cut up that fish feed it to the puppy on the front lawn yeah Yeah, there you go. Oh, for sure. Puppies love it. Look at his beautiful silky coat now.

Thank you. Thanks for the Omega 3s, motherfuckers. After accepting a down payment, the Brookshires decided the puppy, a one-month-old Boston Terrier boxer mix named Brandon. Oh, Brandon. Getting so big. Needed to stay with his sister, Precious, who's the runt of the litter. So they didn't want to take the runt, Precious, be separated from Brandon, even though the

neighbors wanted him. Okay, so they actually have a legitimate reason for wanting to keep two dogs together, whether or not that's true. And am I wrong to say that Precious was based on a novel by? Push by Sapphire. That's right. Precious is a dog based on a novel by Push by Sapphire. Brandon based on Pull by Sapphire.

Angela Brookshire said her husband gave the neighbors their money, the deposit, back two days after the first fish delivery, which means he refused to give it back and then they got fish in their mailbox. So then he's like, fine, here's your down payment back. I'm going to ask you guys. How much money? How much do you think that down payment was on these puppies? By the way, so they started putting fish in before he gave the money back? Yes.

Now, does it say in there that he was refusing to give the money back? No, but that's the only thing I can infer. Basically, he probably backed out of the deal and didn't say anything about giving the money back. Then the fish showed up and then they gave the money back. By the way, this is one of those things where Angela probably told the non-emergency hotline, I don't understand why this is happening. And then they're like, well, is there anyone in your life? And suddenly this whole story comes out about how they screwed their neighbors over.

And I also feel like she's omitting a lot. A lot. She redacted a lot. You don't have to walk by the house and hold the puppy up at the window of your neighbor. They screwed their neighbors over. And I also feel like she's omitting a lot. A lot. She redacted a lot. Okay. You don't have to walk by the house and hold the puppy up at the window of your neighbor's house. She sent her soon-to-be son-in-law to do it. If you are not giving back the down payment, now, I understand, okay? Now, we're inferring that that's what happened.

But that's the only thing that could happen, or you're holding it for an elongated period of time. Yeah, but, I mean, it's crazy. Why would you give the down payment back to me? Yeah, I mean, I actually feel like the fish is justified. No, no, I'm not entirely sure that they were withholding the down payment. Right. Which makes me think, like, it's all bananas. Like, why the fuck would people...

It is bananas. Zombie bananas. Yeah. Oh, zombie bananas. I'm going to set would people... It is bananas. It's zombie bananas. Yeah. It's zombie bananas. You set the story. It just, it seems... Now, okay, now, are you going to say, like, what the amount was? Yes. So we have to guess.

We have to guess. You can go first. What the amount of the down payment? Okay, again. Take or third. Again, how many steps of, like, setting a deal together, giving a down payment on a dog? What do you think the down payment is on a puppy named Randy? What's the down payment on a boss? 50 bucks. 50 bucks for Randy is on a puppy? It's a down payment on a bus. 50 bucks.

50 bucks for Randy Richter. Randy or Jason? I think it's like $150. $150. My first thought was $175. $175. This is a very high... It's a down payment. Half now and half when you get the puppy. Two days after the first fish delivery,

Angela's husband walked over to the neighbor's house and gave them their deposit back, which totaled $20. Which I don't know if that makes me feel like it's less likely the neighbors are doing this or more likely the neighbors are doing this. That was a lot of fish in there. The fish itself would have been about $18 worth of fish. After the first fish delivery, the husband went over and gave them their $20. The second delivery followed after that, which

if you're the neighbors who are doing this, that's a good way to make people think it isn't you. Because why would you keep delivering fish after you got your deposit? Your $20. Here's your $20. Are puppies that rare in fucking Knoxville? Here's your three fives and five ones.

Finally, four ones and four quarters. Finally, a strange mix of breeds. I hope Angela's husband walked over and was like, can you break a 50? You know how rare a puppy is. On Wednesday, a man answered the door at the house where the Brookshire said the neighbors lived. I don't know why they didn't just write write the neighbor answered the door when we went there. I have no idea. They can't be sure. There's some sort of

Tom Hanks' Carrie Fisher character from the Burbs that's also living in this cul-de-sac that I'm imagining who wants nothing to do with any of these people. It's just observing their houses in between theirs. On Wednesday, a man answered the door where the neighbor said that they lived.

That's how it works. He said he was going to buy the puppy before the Brookshires backed out, but denied putting the fish in their mailbox. So my guess is they walked to the door and said hello, and before they asked him anything, he said, I was going to buy that puppy. Whoa. We haven't asked you one question. Whoa.

I didn't put mustard in those anchovies. Whoa. That's a lot of information. You hear about Brandon? You hear about Brandon? Because we're all broke up in here. Broke up. It was you hear about Brandon or are you hear about Brandon?

Either way. It could be thought as both ways. When asked why the family accused him, the neighbor said, they're crazy. I don't know what they're talking about. Sure. That's always, put the crazy on them. You know what? There's a distinct possibility.

Andy thinks that everyone is crazy in this story, and I kind of am with him. This is what I love, too. This is just the next sentence. He said he did not want to see a photo of the fish in the mailbox, which means the reporter asked, would you like to see a photo? Nope, I'm good. You know what, that actually makes me question him now.

That's the first thing, because who doesn't want, like, alright, sure, lay it on me. A photo of fish in a mailbox? Yeah, absolutely. Wasn't that an REO Speedwagon cover? You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish. I'm going to just read the one I just wrote to you so I can read these back to back because this article derails.

He said he did not want to see a photo of the fish in the mailbox. As for Angela, she said she was going inside to get a jacket. She was there. I don't know. All of a sudden we cut to Angela. No, no. She's standing 12 feet behind him. See?

He don't want to see it. I'm going inside to get a jacket. He don't want to see it. I'm going inside to get a jacket. What does that have to do with anything? Told you. Quote. They don't subscribe this quote to her, but it has to be her.

It just says, quote, then I'm going to come out here, be the bigger person, and clean out my mailbox. End of article. There's nothing after that. The last three sentences read like this. He said he did not want to see a photo of the fish in the mailbox. As for Brookshire, she said she was going inside to get

a jacket. Then I'm going to come out here, be the bigger person and clean my mailbox out. That's good writing. That is just brilliant from the Knoxville statesman or whatever it's called. Someone who clearly went to Northwestern School of Journalism. So, unsolved

fish issue. If you have any clues or any information and you listen to this show and you're from Knoxville, please email into the Facebook page, take a look at the photo. We want to know everything. Dial 1-800 Munchausen by Broxby if you have any details

of how Angela's getting the fish into her own mouth. Look, here's the deal. When the Mueller investigation is done with the president, done with what's going on, they're going to get this thing up. Well, FBI would be on this if they weren't wasting all their time on this damn rush. This is a serious fish-u.

All right. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. At Sklar Brothers. I'm sorry. When we come back,

what's a little tease on the final story? A tease on the final story. This is one of the grossest stories I've ever... I had to stop twice reading this. I can't keep reading. Get ready, everybody. We'll take a break. When we come back, grossness with Andy Richter on Dumb People Town.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. I want to remind people, I believe our our poop doc, our documentary about poop. Still available. Still available. Still available on iTunes and Amazon and you rate it,

like it. It's a really interesting look at why is this something that everybody does but people don't talk about. We had a bunch of funny friends sit down and give their stories

and their insights on it and what we found is really fascinating and interesting and people are loving this movie. 86 on Rotten Tomatoes. Can't be wrong.

Am I right? People will jerk off to anything. Oh, wait a minute. Speaking of gross. It became like a niche masturbation thing. Number one on Pornhub. What? Number one on ChuckBerry.net.

What do you have for us, Dan? All right, here we go. This was sent in by Eric D. Keith at Eric, E-R-I-C, D, Keith, K-E-I-T-H, 2. Okay. All right, here we go. I will say this. This is dumb people town. We don't always have to have dumb people.

Sometimes the things that happen are dumb or crazy or ridiculous. Back in the summer of 2016, Abby Beckley had been living on an inactive cattle ranch in southern Oregon. There was just one cow, says the 28-year-old college student. So this is a different time in America. That's far from inactive. It's a little activity. It's a little activity. That cow's like, what the fuck? What? Fuck you.

What am I, chopped liver? Almost. You will be. Almost. You could be. A few weeks later, this is while we're living there, a few weeks later on this barely active cattle farm, she started to have the sensation that something was in her eye. Quote, you know how it feels when you have an eyelash in your eye becky beckley says

very much so and that's exactly how it felt but when i looked in the mirror i couldn't see anything oh god the sensation wouldn't go away where is this going i have no i was getting more and more irritated it was red droopy and inflamed. Quote, I finally couldn't take it anymore, she says. I went to the mirror and decided I'm going to pull out whatever was in my eye even if I have to rip part of my eye out.

What? So, by the way, Dan, you said no dumb people. The second I have irritation in my eye, I don't know what it is, I'm going to the doctor. Andy, how long have you worn glasses? All your life? I don't know what it is. I'm going to the doctor. Go to a doctor. This is... Andy, how long have you worn glasses? All your life? Yeah.

No, no, no. When I was 40, I started, yeah. 40, you started wearing glasses. Okay, so you lived a long life without having to do it. Right, right. Was contacts ever an option for you that you would put something in your eye or no? No. No, because these are mostly for reading.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. I don't think if I, because Jay wears glasses. His eyesight has deteriorated. Mine is starting to go that way, and Jay won't let me wear glasses because for a lot of people, that's a good way for them to tell us apart. But for me, I'm like the prospect of putting something in my eye. I do it every day.

You do it every day, Dan? I mean, I could touch my eyeball right now. Oh, no. See, I wouldn't. I mean, that doesn't really bother me that much. She's going to rip out. Yeah, yeah. But have you guys ever had?

Well, this is really like a PSA for universal health care. And don't. Because obviously this woman can't afford. Or didn't want to go. To get the fucking spider eggs out of her eyeball or whatever the fuck's going on. What is it? Have you guys ever been in so much pain that you had to deal with something that caused you more pain but

it didn't matter because you had, like one time I was barefoot in Florida running around and I got like a stick like broke off in my foot in my foot and I had to dig out what was in there. It hurt so bad but it got to the point where you're like I just have to get this out. I gotta get it out. You go through some mental leap in your brain

where you stop acknowledging that pain just to deal with it. I gotta get it out? You go through some mental leap in your brain where you stop acknowledging that pain just to deal with it. Because there's a task at hand. I'm gonna go to the mirror, I'm gonna rip this thing out. Yes. So what was it? Deep breath. She pulled down her eyelid and grabbed a clear thread-like material from under

her eyeball. You were right, Andy. Then she looked at the thread. Quote, it was squiggling around on my finger. I thought, this is nuts. A worm just came out of my eye. By the time she could see a doctor, Beckley took out four more worms. Some of them were pretty long, about half the length of a paperclip. That's long.

That is long. Half the length of a paperclip is like this. That's a strange scale of reference. It is. It is. You know. Mostly, the critters just- How tall are you?

I'm about 45. I've heard of paperclips. Her house is full of paperclips. Mostly, the critters just hung out in the space between Beckley's eyeball and her eyelid, but sometimes they crawled right across her eyeball. Oh, my God. I quote, I was just like, what the hell is going on? and her eyelid, but sometimes they crawled right across her eyeball. Oh, my God. I quote, I was just like, what the hell is going on?

What the heck am I going to do? I bet you were. She finally got an appointment with the eye doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University at first. Why don't you go to the emergency room? Yeah. The second I pull one living thing out of my eye that shouldn't be there, I'm going where I get immediate help.

At first, they didn't believe her. What? They couldn't find the worm, she says, and they were just saying things like, a lot of people, when they have this claim, it's usually just mucus, Beckley says. Mucus that wiggles around on your finger? I told them, just you wait. Sure enough, an hour later. Why isn't she taking these things and putting them in a tiny, same dish?

Because she ate them. Oh, God damn, no. An hour later, Beckley felt. Why isn't she taking these things and putting them in a tiny, because she ate them. Sure enough, an hour later, Beckley felt a worm move. I said to the doctors, look now, look now. Immediately the doctors started. They let the crazy woman hang out for an hour. I ain't leaving. She said, just you wait.

They're about to not sound very professional either. Immediately, the doctor started screaming, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, it just crawled across your eye. I never want a doctor to get too high on the highs or too low on the lows. You got to keep it right in the middle. That's right. You got to play it like you've seen it all before. You told something to your doctor like, oh my gosh. No, that's a bad doctor.

That's a bad doctor. That's a bad doctor. When I, one of the, I had a lump on my testicle. Yes. Even in my, you know, like in my early 20s. And I always just, because I couldn't afford healthcare, I was like, well, it's probably cancer and I'm probably going to die. Yeah. Right. So the second I got covered with healthcare, I went to.

Straight to a doctor. Yeah. Straight to a urologist who, you know, you have to take down your pants. And he did this weird, like, came down and like... Listened to it? No, it was. It was like he put his ear, but he was like feeling my testicle. Yeah.

And, you know, like with his head turned and he got up disgusted. Like he stood back up disgusted and was like, he's like, there's nothing there. What you're feeling is a normal part of your anatomy. He was that. And I went like. He admonished you. I went like, no, wait, wait. And then held my own ball and found it and put my finger on it.

I was like, right there. Put your finger right there. And he felt it. And I mean, this is a big fucking lump. This is like, which on your testicle is like. How many paper clips? Like a couple. Like I would say like three Barbie paperclips.

Like a man who has a daughter. But he, so he puts his hand on it and goes like. Oh, well, it's very subtle. Like, you know, like couldn't admit. Yeah, exactly. You don't know how much I love that you were like, we're not editing this right here. No fucking way. Yeah, yeah. It don't know how much I love that you were like, mm-mm, we're not editing this right here. Yeah, yeah, no fucking way. Yeah, yeah.

It's very subtle, like the movie Jackass. I haven't gone through years of paranoia and mortality crisis over this lump on my neck. You know what's not subtle? You can't find it. Your lack of professionalism. Yeah, yeah. That's not subtle.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's your fault. It's your fault I didn't see it in the first place. It's my fault. You're tucking it under. End of story, it's a calcium buildup from probably a shot in the balls while playing football. There you go. That's all it was.

Well, I'm glad. Calcium buildup from a shot in the balls while playing football. Yeah, yeah. So they say, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. The doctor then scattered and started getting ready to take a sample. The doctor's skepticism is understandable, says Aaron Bonura, an infectious disease doctor at OHSU, who helped Beckley.

Who helped her out. Who helped her out. Where is this? Sorry, I lost my spot, friends. Okay, here we go. It's fairly unheard of to have worms in your eye in the U.S. unless you've traveled to a developing country. And Beckley hadn't, the doctor says. For this reason, I knew we had to get some of these worms so we could identify them.

The worms, more than obliged, including the first worm, plus the four more that she pulled from her eye, and the one in the doctor's office. I'm going to ask you guys, over the next few weeks, how many worms were pulled from Abby's eye? So include the first one, then four more. Wait, did she go back home? No, no, no. She's just counting how many she pulled out of her eye.

She kept coming back and when she felt them, they would take more. I'm going to ask you guys over the next few weeks, include the first six because you had one and then four at her place and then the doctors pulled one so that's six there. Six total. How many total worms? How many over the next few weeks?

How many worms did they pull out of her eye? Do you want to go first, second, or third? I don't care. You can pick. You're our guest. I'm going to go 22. 22 worms. 11.

11 worms from Jason Sklar. 35 worms. 35 worms from Randy Sklar. She went back a bunch of times. I bet there was like a bunch. This is totally like the Price is Right. We are really basing our guesses off of each other. I'm like the Marine.

Right, right. I should have let you go first off of each other. I'm like the Marine. I should have let you go first and then gone $1. Okay. Over the next few weeks, how many worms were pulled from Abby's eye? Get your answers in, townies, because the answer is 20 worms. You're right!

I was so close, but I went over, so I don't get the showcase. We go straight up. You win.! I was so close, but I went over, so I don't get the showcase. We go straight up. You win! You win! So that means 14 more worms were pulled from her eyes. Is there a picture of this woman? If you think that

sounds creepy, just wait to hear how the worms got in her eye in the first place. It's a living nightmare, Abby Beckley says. At first, Bradbury thought the creature was a species of eye worm they've seen before in California. Eye worm. I've never heard those two words together.

Ear worms, yes. Yes. Eye worm. One that they've seen before in California and Utah, but something didn't seem quite right. Oh, I guess. Yeah, yeah. That's an understatement.

In the end, they identified the culprit, a cattle eye worm. Basically, male and female worms live on the surface of a cow's eye. They mate and produce tiny larva. Oh, God. This family of worms causes- Meet me on the surface of the eye. This family of worms causes the pus to pour out of the cow's eye, and then along comes a fly and lands in the pus and sucks up some of the larva.

What? The baby worms grow into larger lava inside the fly, lands in the pus and sucks up some of the larva. What? The baby worms grow into larger lava inside the fly, and when the worms get big enough, the fly releases them back into another cow's eye. Or a human eye. A human eye. I mean, God did some great stuff, but why this? Come on.

This is just God. I hate flies anyway. In the end, Abby Beckley made a full recovery. Once she removed all the worms, her eye returned to normal, and she doesn't have any lingering psychological scars either, she says. Yes, you do. And it's okay to have those psychological scars. You just

have to wait till the flies die. You have to get them out. If you don't pull them out, they will stay in there. And then another fly will get one and then they'll keep growing. And they just live on the surface. They're not like into the eyeball.

No, they live on the surface. They like that little space between the eyelid and the eyeball. They can't do some sort of procedure where they hold the eyelid open and just flush it with antibiotic or something.

In the end, she made a full recovery so she doesn't have any psychological scars. Usually this happens to cows. They can't get their eyes cleaned out. So this can become a real problem for them. She says, I have no scars, but I can't eat spaghetti anymore. Of course.

So basically, and I can't hold a paper clip. So basically, a fly spit the worms into Abby Beckley's eye. Yes, that's right, the doctor says. The fly vomited the worms into her eye. The moral of the story is pretty clear. He says, when you see flies around your face, swat them away before they land near your eyes. I actually think the moral of the story is

don't live on a cow farm active or inactive. That's the answer right there. Before we get out of here, we have a quick voicemail from the great Chris Christofferson, answer right there. Before we get out of here, we have a quick voicemail from the great Chris Christopherson, who I believe is currently living on a cattle farm.

Or found himself on one. He's living wherever the wind takes him. He left his voicemail. We've got to listen to this. You have one new voice message. Hey, boys. It's me, Chris Kershiferson. And, you know, I've been listening to your little radio show that you do on my phone, my phone radio.

And I think, like, I have a story for you that I think would be very perfect for your show about a dumb person just doing some dumb stuff. So the story goes like this. The year is 1975, and a young man by the name of Chris Christopherson has decided to go down to Mexico to find Jesus. Well, this man, not me, Chris Christopherson, but the person from the story, Chris Christopherson, has decided to go into a large church to find Jesus. But I'll tell you what he did find was a large shipment of bananas. And these bananas had been eaten because an alligator had gotten loose from a zoo, and that alligator's name was Chris Christopherson. And so when the alligator, Chris Christopherson, ate all those banana peels,

all those bananas, the peels went everywhere. And then the person from the story, Chris Christopherson, walked into that church, and he slipped, and he fell on about a hundred different banana peels. The man from the story, Chris Christopherson, fell on the banana peels that the crocodile, Chris Christopherson, had eaten. And that's me, Chris Christopherson, telling you this story for your show. You're welcome. All right. I got to get back to knitting this sweater that I'm making for my dog. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, I think he... Do you guys worry about him? I don't ever worry. Or do you feel like he's like leather? The fact that Chris Christopherson is still alive. Have you met Chris Christopherson? I don't think I ever have.

The fact that he's still alive, he's like, do you remember that one Simpsons where Mr. Burns is so sick that all the sickness inside of him is trying to get out and it's just jamming the door so he's fine? Yeah, yeah. That if you made him better on one instance, it would all come out and he would die. So it's like, you have to stay the way. That's the way I feel about Chris Christopherson.

He's just living. He's like leather boots. They just keep. They'll never go away. They get better with age. They get better with age. They'll survive anything. I love it. Watch Conan. Watch Late Night with age. They get better with age. They'll survive anything. I love it.

Watch Conan. Watch Late Night with Conan. You're fantastic on that show. Any other live shows or specials? I love the Christmas special that was on. Oh, thank you. Was that on CISO or no? What was that on?

Yeah, it was. I think it was on CISO. Yeah, that was a UCB thing a couple years ago. Beautiful. But no, nothing really. I mean, you know. Just doing what you're doing. Just doing what you're doing. Just doing what I'm doing. Kicking ass and doing regular comedy

every night on television. Thank you. Yeah, that's it. That's fantastic. Something we all dream to be doing and you do it so well and thank you so much for coming to Dumb People's Town. Sure, thanks guys. I appreciate it. Shit, we gotta get back to work.