Dumb People Town - Anthony Jeselnik - Unsolved Cheeseburger Mysteries

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

This week Anthony Jeselnik stops into town to hear about a man who admits to the police that he’s not good at stealing cars. In story 2, a man calls the police to repost a missing cheeseburger. In story 3, a woman who thinks she is suffering with symptoms from Crohn's disease finds out that her problems are coming from an outside source. 

Skypain's out of here. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Tunker Down is Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town.

Population you. Population Jezelnik Anthony Jezelnik, welcome to the show He's with us, welcome, so nice to have you It's good to be back I mean, I did the last one, what was it called? Sklarbro Country? Yeah, and now we're

This is really all about and I really want your opinion on this Do you feel like the world's getting dumber? Or do you feel like dumber is just there's more of a spotlight on it or we've always been this dumb and now we're just seeing more of it?

I think it's always been very, very dumb. I think in some ways it's smarter, but I think the dumb people have a platform. There you go. To do it. I want to say right off the top, I know we've been talking about doing this podcast together for a while

almost like a year we've been trying to book as long as in a while and i gotta be honest with you guys i was kind of putting it off a little bit um i don't know if this is gonna make you feel like i don't i don't want to insult you guys i think i feel like i feel a compliment coming on but i was waiting for valentine's day oh thanks like i thought if we can get in on the 14th why is that insulting i'll take that as you know i feel like there's a lot of love in the room. And we did it. We did it. I mean, we're recording this.

It's not going to drop on Valentine's Day, but we're recording. People will know. People will know. Why is Anthony with the Sklar brothers? It's Valentine's Day. It's a special day. It's a special day. This is actually all I'm doing for Valentine's Day.

Really? This is it? Being single on Valentine's Day is the fucking best. I didn't know it was Valentine's Day. That's right. To you, it's Day is the fucking best. I didn't know it was Valentine's Day. That's right. To you, it's like when we were in New York and the Yankees won the World Series and then we went down into the East Village. To do like spots in the-

You know what it was in the East Village? Fucking Wednesday. Like, who cares? You know, you got guys going like, I can die now because Jeter- LA's like that. When I lived downtown and the Kings were in the Stanley Cup final, nobody in downtown even knew that that was happening four blocks away. Well, this is what I thought about the Kings,

and not to get too deeply into a sports discussion because people don't like sports, we won't listen to this, but the LA Kings fans, there's 20,000 of them in LA. That's what Al Michaels said. And they're in the building. Al Michaels said they have a great fan base and all of them fit in the Staples. said. And they're in the building. They're in the building. Al Michael said they have a great fan base and all of them fit in the

Staples. They're all here. I'm going to a game next week. Whenever the Penguins come to town, I go see the Kings.

Tickets are very cheap. Very cheap. Look at that. Because they're terrible. All right, well, let's get into it

because here's how this show works, as I'm sure you've listened to the entire catalog. Yeah, I love listening to podcasts. Don't you love

listening to other comedy podcasts? I just love rifling through them. We get dumb stories sent to us from our awesome fans and then we're just going to talk about it so dan breaks them down dan's barely seen them we've not seen them no anthony has not had access i don't talk to anybody so you'll read the story and then we'll just comment we'll break it down yeah it's like they always say it's that uh time in a writer's room before any work gets done. Where somebody's like, did you hear about that fucking dude?

And then you just talk about that for a while. So here we go. So we're gossiping. Yeah. Essentially. About the news. Or if it inspires you to tell a story from your life. If it reminds you of anything.

Please. Let's go. Here we go. Let's do it. Sent in by Liz Haggerty. At Liz Haggerty. Thank you. Spelled like it sounds.

Headline is also this. Colorado man repeatedly caught trying to steal cars. Yeah. Stop. Eventually stop. Yeah. Catch me once, shame on me. Right.

Catch me. Have you ever done something where you did it once and got in trouble for it and then just kept going back to the well? No. Have you? I mean, everything I've ever done in my life. Yeah. Don't say that. I'm fascinated by people who think they're getting away with it. You know what I mean, everything I've ever done in my life. Don't say that.

I'm fascinated by people who think they're getting away with it. You know what I mean? You steal one car and you're like, oh, I did it. I can steal cars forever. And then they're like, we've been watching you the whole time. We know about all 20 cars. I think that's funny. So that is, then you kind of think, all right, I kind of like the cops.

They gave a guy like a 15 car sort of leeway. Yeah, gave him like a cushion. And he's like, I'm clear. I can keep like the cops. They gave a guy a 15-car leeway. And he's like, I'm clear. I can keep doing this forever. Stop him at 17. Let him get to 20. Once you get caught, don't you downgrade? Let me just go back to packs of gum. I don't need to be stealing a car all the time.

If the steal is the thrill, do on a small thing. You guys stole in Israel, right? We were in Israel. We stole bulk food. bulk food bulk food from a supermarket and just periodically and then a guy followed me in the store and started kicking at the backs of my heels yeah these guys don't mess around i was like what like everyone was in the army and everyone can claim that they were in like israeli secret service like masaj so the guy working security at your supermarket definitely has shot,

he's shot somebody at some point. So they don't wait until you like leave the store because it's not a crime until you leave. Right. You might just be like, this is in my pocket now, But it is a crime. It is a crime before you leave

because we're consuming. You're eating. I'm eating it as I'm walking around the store and shopping. Gotcha. Great move. I used to, my first job in LA was working at Abortus Books and Music and on La Cienega, which had long been closed.

And I was loss prevention. Me too. Everyone who worked there had normal clothes on. I did this at a department store in Chicago. But I had to wear a black polo shirt that said loss prevention. I'm like, guys, shouldn't that be incognito? Yes. Let me wear my clothes.

We were incognito. And we couldn't stop anyone. They could be wearing three pairs of jeans. And until they hit that door, you could be like, that's how they decided to carry those around. Not only that, they did not want you to stop anyone. If you saw someone steal, you had to just let them go. I was just there just for corporate to say we have loss prevention. But I wasn't supposed to stop anyone or even look for people.

I was supposed to help people find books. And I'm like, this is so weird, but I got paid a dollar more than everyone else. So all the other employees hated me. Of course. And I did not have to work the register, which was the worst job. By the way, that's not why they hated you.

There are other reasons. Sure, I'm sure. But I made a three-month suspension. So best or worst job in the world? Because you really aren't doing anything, and you're just getting paid to do this. It was great because it was my first job, and I was so broke until I

got it, but I've been fired from every job I've ever had in a good way in that if I didn't, I'd still be working at some terrible job. But as soon as I check out mentally, everybody knows. Yeah, they know it. Did you try and stop somebody and they fired you? No, but I watched the guy

run out with a book and get in the car and leave. I was like, hey, and they were like, we don't care. Don't even write a report. Don't even say hey. Don't even say hey. Yeah, this whole chain's going down. One time they accused me of stealing something. No.

I was like, guys. Look at the shirt, guys. Yeah. The Strokes' first album had come out. That would have been theft worthy. There was an alternate cover they didn't have in America of like a naked woman with like a glove

like on her on her ass yes and I was always like I was always like looking at it I was like this is so cool and I couldn't afford it at the time sure

and then one day it went missing and they were like Anthony we know you took it and I'm like guys I'm not that dumb that I would steal the one thing that I look at in the store

right did you steal it no okay good alright so this guy's stealing cars yeah here we go Colorado man who authorities say the one thing that I look at in the store. Right. Did you steal it? No. Okay, good. All right, so this guy's stealing cars. Here we go. Colorado man who authorities say was caught trying to steal multiple cars

in recent weeks admitted to deputies that he, quote, sucks at stealing cars. Todd Sheldon was caught by a homeowner. I love that that's his admission. Yeah. You know, look, guys, I'm going to do it.

There's nothing I can do about that right i'm just bad at it yeah can someone teach me how to get better with this so we can save everyone is that how this works you guys show me how to do it the right way how to coach me up coach me up todd sheldon was caught by a homeowner trying to break into a car in south jefferson everybody's catching him doing it earlier this much cbs denver reported the homeowner alerted the jefferson county sheriff's office but sheldon had escaped before deputies arrived on the scene of doing it. Earlier this much, CBS Denver reported, the homeowner alerted the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office, but Sheldon had escaped before deputies arrived on the scene. So he's pretty

good at it. The Sheriff's Office wrote a post on Facebook, because that's where all cops work now. That's now cops and your uncle. Every police department tells you what's going on on Facebook. The homeowner then called us, but the man escaped before we arrived. That's what the post says. Don't worry, we found him just down the street trying to break into another vehicle.

Don't worry. Like, you were worried. So he's like, is he breaking in and then hoping there are keys in the visor? Or was he hot wiring a car? Because if you can hot wire a car, especially in today's, we're in the future now. I know. Then I think you deserve the car. Yeah, you get it.

Yeah, because I bet the cutoff is probably, what, like 2009? So what about the idea? Like, like new cars you can't hotwire so what about the idea of if sometimes if the keys are close enough to it if it's a keyless entry you can press the button and just start it everyone i know has their spare set in the glove compartment no you know what i mean so that you you can get in and just push the button and they forget and then they lose their keys and they're like oh it's actually just sitting in there can anyone take my card anytime any at any time i don't even thought about that geez um maybe this guy knows uh when the deputies approached sheldon they saw him quote actively trying to break into a truck a coat hanger i have no idea the sheriff's office said

sheldon even admitted to deputies what he was trying to do. Quote, I can't. I'm trying to break into this truck. If you forgot your keys and you're in your car, you have to get into it. You then, and it looks like you're trying to break into your car. That's the first thing you tell anybody who's looking on. This is my car. I actually locked the keys inside. But that was, imagine that. The cops are like, hey, man, what are you doing?

Come over here. I can't. I'm trying to break into this truck. That's not the right answer that. The cops are like, Hey, man. What are you doing? Come over here. I can't. I'm trying to break into this truck. That's not the right answer either. Like, give me five minutes. Right. You guys do whatever you're doing. Let me finish this.

Yeah. Everybody do their job here. Right. Sheldon was taken into custody, booked into jail, and later bonded out. Unfortunately, the story doesn't end there.

Who the hell bonded out? He tried to steal a car on his way out. Last week, deputies responded to a report of a man breaking into a car. When they arrived on the scene, they found the suspect was again Sheldon trying to break into a vehicle. This is young Sheldon. Okay. This time, Sheldon admitted that perhaps he wasn't particularly good at stealing vehicles. Quote, I really suck at this, he told a deputy. The sheriff's office said.

I feel bad for him. He has bad confidence. Right, that's the thing. It's a confidence issue. But that sounds like an addiction thing. You know, it's almost like an addict, and they're like, yeah, I know I missed work, but I relapsed.

And you're like, just because you're honest doesn't mean it's okay. Exactly. We don't have sympathy for you. Just because you admitted it. Officer, can I be straight with you? I'm just bad at it. Yeah, I know. you still did it three times right in his brain he's like they're gonna go easy on me right we're all bad we're all bad at something we're level with them

yeah let me let me reveal a piece of myself here uh bad at this i really suck at this he told the deputy they say perseverance is a good thing but that's not always true the sheriff's office quipped we share this story by the way can we stop making jokes is a good thing, but that's not always true, the sheriff's office quipped. We share this story. By the way, can we stop making jokes as a sheriff? Like, no one's asking you to make jokes. And you're not good at it. On Facebook, Sheriff's Department. Yeah, we don't like the cops making jokes.

We don't like it. We share this story in part because of its uniqueness, but also remind folks to lock their cars and call us to report suspicious activity. As a cop, you cannot make a joke. Because someone always is going to be like, you guys choked a guy to death, right? Last month. You can't. Remember when you were on Eric Garner's back?

Yeah. Make another Facebook joke, you fucking assholes. Responding on police office Twitter and Facebook posts with like, stay in your lane, stick to arresting people. Like comics get with politics and things like that. I don't want to hear your jokes. Just go arrest someone. Do an illegal pat down.

I feel like that's a bad move. Like, you know how like if you're in college and you hate your professor and you're bombing the class, but they give you the anonymous survey at the end. I would always give them all tens because I'm like, maybe they know it's me and maybe that helps me in the end. That's right. It doesn't behoove you to give them ones. I get it if I'm on a call with a customer service, and they're like, do you want to take the survey afterwards? And I'm always like, yep. Because if you say no,

I feel like they're going to send you to a different call center with shittier people. Oh, before you handle your OCS. Before you handle it. And then you hang up on them. Then you don't actually take the survey. You don't do it. You just say, yes, of course.

I feel like if you say no, I don't want to do it, they're going to be like, all right, give them to Cheryl. And Anthony, you're right, because if you're in a small town and you get pulled over and that cop's like, didn't like my joke, huh? Yeah, like, what's up, Facebook? Yeah. You're like, oh, man. Oh, God.

No. So should I just write you the ticket or definitely don't tell you any jokes? You're like, no, feel free. Any jokes. Hey, I got one for you. That's going to be like the cop. I got one for you. That's going to be like the car. I got one for you. It's you getting fingerprinted.

Yeah. Guy drives into a median. The Facebook post from a sheriff's office attracted hundreds of reactions. Big day over on the Facebook page with members of the community. Marveling the story. Stupid is a stupid does. Mark Fisher commented. Mark has nothing to do with this.

By the way, who is going on to the police Facebook page and being like, Stupid is as stupid does, Mark Fisher commented. Mark has nothing to do with this story at all. By the way, who is going on to the police Facebook page and being like, I got to weigh in on this? Who's writing an article where they feel like they need to include Facebook comments in the actual article? Colleen, come in here. I'm in the paper. Colleen, what did you write on that post? Who comments on anything? I said comments on anything ever yeah stupid is as stupid

does that's what i said you know it just came off the top he's trying too hard to be a car thief stacy hoffman added stacy and mark go do something else sarah silverman said my favorite thing ever she goes no one whose opinion i respect has ever commented on a YouTube video. Nope. Never. Not one. Anyone I would ever take advice from about comedy has never commented on a YouTube video. I can say that with, I can agree with that with such confidence

and tell you that I haven't read more than like five comments on a YouTube thing, I guarantee you. Let alone post. It's funny, I used to never read anything. In the beginning, when you first start out

and they start commenting, you're like, oh, this is the only feedback I'm getting. I want to see it. And then you realize that everything's the same, whether it's negative or positive. Right. But recently I was just like went down a rabbit hole where I'm like looking for things to write jokes about. So I'm looking at, I was on a podcast where there was on video and I'm looking at the comments and my favorite one was, and it's clearly like someone who doesn't like something that you said. So they try to pick on you for something else. Exactly. And they go, look at this douchebag wearing a watch.

How pretentious is that? Who wants to know what time it is? Yeah. They go, who doesn't know what time it is? And I was like, this is the funniest comment I've ever seen in my life. Like it's so good.

Clearly you don't know what time it is. Dumb watch wear. That's good. Who wears a watch? The sheriff's office added that Sheldon is currently in jail and they're quote, Clearly you don't know what time it is. Dumb watch wear. That's good. Who wears a watch? The sheriff's office added that Sheldon is currently in jail and they're, quote, hoping he takes advantage of the counseling and educational opportunities we offer him for his future endeavors, which is to be the best part of this story.

Kudos for them for actually offering things to people to be like, you can do something else with your life. Why don't they just buy him a car? Exactly. Take all the taxpayer money that you're using to chase this guy. On counseling and on the other side. Go to CarMax and just get him the cheapest one. Get him a Levin.

Give a man a car, he'll drive forever. Exactly. Or teach a man how to steal a car. No, wait, that's where. I love how fun they make jail seem like. Yeah. We're going to get counseling. Educational opportunities.

It's fun. You ever been to jail? No. You ever been to jail? No. You ever been to jail? I went to- You should do a special in a jail. I was in- Oh, I got a story for you.

Okay. You should get arrested and then do your special in the jail with- When I went to college in New Orleans, I got arrested once for riding on top of a station wagon at four in the morning. Were you Tulane? Yes. Okay. Which is, thank God, because every time I say I went to college in New Orleans, they guess Tulane. And if the answer was no, you've got to be like, where did he go? New Orleans.

Like you keep going down. It's like, thank God it's Tulane. I got arrested. I went to the drunk tank and five of my friends had gotten arrested earlier in the night and were in there. And we had the time of our lives. And then two weeks later, I got arrested for breaking into a fraternity house to steal the foosball table and none of our friends were in jail and it was the worst I was like

I'll never do this again of course total different it was the after bar the first time you went yes and this was just this was just like

we're tired and we're not drunk enough to enjoy this that would be weird for the cop who like arrests you the first time and takes you

and being like you're gonna you're ready for a wake up call now and you walk up you're like there's nothing weird than walking to a drunk tank and you're keeping your eyes down you see your Jessel Nick special in a prison I know I went to I'm friends with Queens of the Stone Age and they were doing a show at San Quentin State Penitentiary and I like you want to open for usentin State Penitentiary and they're like do you want to open for us?

I told the story on Kimmel it's like a 10 minute story but I get there and they kept asking my manager like where's the set list? Like we have rules and the rules were like nothing I could follow.

Every one of my jokes violates the rule. Sure, of course. But she kept putting them off. And then I got there and the warden like got in my face trying to intimidate me

to like so I would step down. She was scaring you straight. But I've already made the flight there that I'm pissed. I'm like, if you had told me yesterday, I wouldn't have come here. I'd be fine with it. But now that I'm here, I'm furious. And I'm going to do everything in my power to fuck with you.

I've been arrested twice. So you're not going to scare me anymore. So you did your set? No, I went up and I said, I was like, let me just introduce the band. At least let me do that. And he was physically threatening me. I was like, what do you want to do now that I'm here at your prison?

And he goes, well, I'm not scared of you at all. And I was like, motherfucker. Why did you have to say that to me? Why are you wearing a watch? And I get on stage and I say, they introduced me as a very nice young man, Anthony. Oh, thanks for getting all my credits. There's your album title. And they're catcalling me. The prisoners are catcalling me as I walk on stage.

I grab the mic and I'm pissed. And I go, guys, I'm a famous comedian. My name's Anthony Jeselnik. I've been doing this for 17 years. And if you haven't heard of me, you must have done something pretty fucked up. And the place goes nuts. They cut my mic immediately and just got the't heard of me you must have done something pretty fucked up and the place goes nuts they cut my mic immediately and just like got the fuck out of there and then the band played for an hour it was great and then we just like ran of course we've got to go before they keep us here

online record show he remains in custody $25,000 bond can't can't float that one he's facing numerous charges including aggravated motor vehicle theft criminal trespass burglary menacing displayed, and criminal mischief, which is the friendliest of all the charges. So if he ever got a car, what did he do with it? Did he just joyride around and then bring it back? Or was he trying to get somewhere? We did a story once where a guy wanted to impress his rebel son. So he started stealing cars, but would only move them two or three blocks and then be like, I did it too, son. And then he got arrested for that. I have no idea't i don't know if you ever got away with this is what

makes me think that it is a you the key was in the house and you press the button and you were able to start it and then drove it in the second you got out you couldn't start it again because you're too far from the key so he gets another one yeah i don't know how those work i don't know he's due to appear in court i will ask you you guys this. Based off of your knowledge of this, that he needs educational opportunities in counseling, as well as says he sucks at stealing cars. How old do you think Todd Sheldon is? Now, you are a guest. You can go first, Tig, which is second, or third.

I mean, I'm going to guess, if meth is involved, I'm going to say late 20s. I'm going to guess 22. I think 22 would be the over. 22 looks 42? Yes. Okay. Throwing around the sucks word kind of makes him feel young to me, too. I'm going to say 28.

Okay. That he sucks at this? I think it's Saturday. I think he's done it enough. You think it's 28? I think he's done it enough that he can at least with confidence say that he sucks at it. So he's had a career doing this. I think he's 36 years old.

Okay. All right. He's ready to have kids. He's exactly right. Wow. So now we get to play the game of who you think is exactly right. Who do you think is right? I think the fact that you looked right at him when you said that, I think it's him.

He's got no tells. He's got no tells. I'll tell you right now, you can't go off of those. You have to either believe in yourself. I believe it's me. I believe I'm right. What'd you say, 28? 28.

I think it's me, 36. 36 years old. Townies, play along. This will end our first story. Two more left after that. Because Todd Sheldon is 36 years old. Oh! Believe in yourself. See, I believed in him. He's had a whole career of doing that shit. Todd Sheldon is 36 years old. Oh! Yes!

Believe in yourself. See, I believed in him. He's had a whole career of doing that shit. Look at what he's accomplished at 36. I love it. And we got an Anthony Jeselnik prison story. Two of them. Two jail stories. All right.

More with Anthony on the other side of this break. It's Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We have some exciting shows coming up that we want to let you know about.

We're doing live Dumb People Town. We're going to be... First one is Largo, which I know you've been doing regular shows at Largo. Are you doing every month doing Largo? Every month, and then I do one more next month, and then I take a break while I do the TV show. March 13th? Around there. Okay. Just look then I do one more next month. And then I take a break while I do the TV show. March 13th.

Around there. Okay. Just look for it on the Largo schedule. We go every other month with Dumb People Town. This next one is on 24th with Will Arnett, Paula Tompkins, and Colin Hay. It's going to be really fun. And then in March, we do this show live in Minneapolis

at Cedar Cultural Center, St. Louis, Del Mar Hall, the next night, the 20th, Turner Hall in Milwaukee on the 21st. I love Turner Hall. Yeah, it's a great room.

We cannot wait. Those are big rooms, so let's sell them out. We want you there. If you want to see Anthony do shows live, are you hitting the road at all or doing anything?

Not for a while. Comedy store, check the lineup in Largo once a month. It's a joy to see you out and see you do stuff, especially breaking new stuff out, we're a big fan of uh what you're doing so go see him when you can and Dan oh yeah uh March 11th I think through the 14th I'm headlining Cap City Comedy Club so uh come on let's hang out it's also like the first weekend of South by's

film fest it is so there's gonna be a of, there's some great people that are going to be dropping. Is it Doug Benson jumping on your show? Yes, and I think Pete Davidson as well. And then for us, we're doing, we have to mention Comedy on State, the 12th through the 14th of March. That's a good one. DanielVanKirk.com, Supersclawers.com.

Anthony? AnthonyJusselink.com. There you go. All right, let's get into a story. Okay, here we go. Google it. I love this story. Story number two was sent in by Rachel.

I imagine Eden. That's E-E-D-N. At E-U-P-H Cuddler. Youth Cuddler? I don't know. Here we go. Man calls police to report cheeseburger stolen from motel nightstand. David Asselhoff?

Maybe. Could be the Hoff. That's it. Okay, here we Also, that's an oldest reference. That's such an old reference. By the way, he was on the floor and now he's in his recovery. I'm going to say this. The cheeseburger is

definitely not on a plate. It's just sitting naked on the nightstand. Do you think it's still in the wrapper? No. It's just food to surface. Food on a surface that you have not like that is a

just to the public. God knows what's on there. That's how you die. Do you guys clean anything when you go into your hotel room? The remote. I just don't put shit

on anything. I clean the remote. Okay. I stay in very nice hotel rooms. You trust them too? Usually. Once I stayed in I actually was in Austin. I trust the Kempton. Kempton I will always I was in very nice hotel rooms. You trust them too? Usually. Once I stayed in,

I actually, I was in Austin. I trust the Kempton. Kempton, I will always. I was in Austin the four seasons and I opened up the mini bar and it was crawling with ants.

No. Crawling with ants. Now next time you're in Austin, it's a nice hotel. Kempton Van Zandt. It's the best hotel in that city. Four seasons in Austin is pretty dope.

I went downstairs and I was like, guys, there's ants all over my mini bar and they didn't, they didn't offer me anything. They were just like, we'll take care of it. And I go, and I leave and I go downstairs and I was like, guys, there's ants all over my mini bar. And they didn't offer me anything. They were just like, we'll take care of it. And I leave and I go do whatever I was doing that day.

And I come back and it was clear to me that they had just gotten rid of the ants, but they didn't replace any of the food. It was the same chocolate bar that they've been crawling around on. I was just like, this is so disgusting. Why are the peanut M&Ms in the same shape? Like the bag is bent in the same way.

Come on. All right, Little Rock same way. Come on. All right. Little Rock, Arkansas. Oh, boy. A man claimed someone stole his cheeseburger off of a motel nightstand in Benton, Arkansas, according to KATV content partner, The Saline Courier. So he's blaming the maid. Yes.

Right? Or like a manager. Right. A manager. The maid came in and tipped off the manager. Is there a maid, the manager at a motel? I don't remember everything about this story, but I remember one thing, and I can't wait to get to it with you guys.

Someone came in and tipped off and said, hey, if anybody wants it, there's a cheeseburger in 403 just sitting on the nightstand. Do you guys hide anything when you let them clean your room? Or are you like me? I don't let them clean my room at all. I make my own bed. I don't need you coming in for two days. That's right.

I don't have them come in, but here's the deal. You know you're not in a good hotel when you have to unwrap your cup to drink water. You have to take it out of the wrapping. I've heard that if there's a coffee mug in there, they just rinse it out in the sink.

They don't actually wash it. So if I have to unwrap a cup, I trust it more. You trust the cup. Then you know it's clean. But if you don't let them clean your room, they don't get paid for that room. if I have to unwrap a cup, I trust it more. You trust the cup. Then you know it's clean. But if you also, if you don't let them clean your room, they don't get paid for that room.

Really? So you're not doing them a favor. They get paid per room. Really? So I try to let them clean it. I try to tip a little bit every time. We tip. I tip every time.

Do you put anything away that you're like, I just don't want this to be there? I don't really have anything that I'm worried about them taking. Although I have once had them take weed. Really? Like Brian Posehn and I were on the road

and we were on the road and we were smoking pot in like a really old hotel in like Peoria or somewhere. And they had knocked on the door and they were like, the whole hotel reeks of weed. Like the doors weren't sealed. We had the window open, but it didn't matter. And we went to go see a movie and we came back

and the weed was gone. And it was clear that they had taken it. And smoked it. But I once called a landlord because we couldn't find the bong in our house and someone convinced me that someone can steal weed paraphernalia because you can't report it right what are you gonna do so i'm like our fucking landlord took this so i call him and i'm like you took our bong and he's like who is this and what are you talking about and i'm like you know who it is you know who this is you're high right now my roommate had lent it

to someone and forgot to tell me. But it was the most humiliating shit of my life. You were so accusatory. You knew who it is. You came in so hot. You're like, I got you. You're like, I am Anthony Judson. And you do not know who I am. I'm above the law.

I know I can't call the police, but I'll come to you. I make my own rules. I make my own rules. Where was I? call the police but i'll come to you i make my own rules i make okay uh where was i in attempt to solve the alleged hamburglary keegan byers filed a report with michael byers keegan michael byers according to the report byers informed the officer that he had purchased two cheeseburgers from a nearby gas station already i'm out you i if he me that, I'd be like, look, Keegan, whatever happens to you in life, you've earned. You've made a lot of bad choices.

Okay, but wait a minute. Where is this taking place? In Arkansas? Arkansas. Now, in Texas, people will say that some of the best barbecue you get is at a gas station. Oh, there's a place in New Orleans that has the best fried chicken, and it's a gas station. Yeah, but we're not talking about the same thing here. No, we're not.

It's like a 7-Eleven behind the counter on a rotating thing. That's right. Or pulled out of a package in a wrapper. Just like your cup. Wait, but so, unlike Dan, unlike the maid at Dan's hotel, this man has made his bed, and now you have to lay in it. Yes.

If you buy burgers at a gas station, you deserve everything. Maybe they're doing you a favor. They are. You don't want to eat that? If you're walking through a Taco station, expect to get them stolen. You deserve everything. Whatever happens. Maybe they're doing you a favor. They are. You don't want to eat that. If you're walking through a Taco Bell drive-thru, whatever happens next in your life, you have to accept. But those burgers also don't get better the longer you have them.

I understand getting one burger and eating it on your way out of the gas station, but getting a second one to save for later. Right. A nightstand burger. Yeah. And the mate, of course, is going to be like, he didn't want to eat this. I'm going to take it. He realized. He ate one and didn't want to eat this. I'm going to take it. He realized.

He ate one and was like, this is disgusting. I'm going to throw this away. Yes. She did him a favor. According to the report. But maybe he left it there. He's like, I'm going to put this right here. If I wake up in the middle of the night and I want something, I just reach.

He wasn't asleep and woke up and it was gone. He came back to his room. Got it. And it was gone. Yeah. And it was gone. But still. No, I think he was asleep.

According to a report, Byers informed the officer that he purchased two cheeseburgers from a nearby gas station. And you know that's less than $2. It's a long night. He reportedly ate one of the burgers and then placed the other one on a nightstand at the Trout Motel. Good for Mike Trout. When Byers woke up hours later, he said the cheeseburger was gone.

He ate it and forgot that he ate it. He's night eating, and it's like you're sleep eating. He's Birbiglia of Arkansas. Or the Roaches came and got him. Like, good luck. Good luck. Yeah.

They can carry 27 times their weight. Good luck getting handcuffs on us. Ready for the next sentence? Yes. There was another person sleeping in the room at the time. Okay. When I read

this, I just started laughing. He's got crumbs on the side of his mouth. I don't know anything. The other guy with a mouthful of food is like, you better call the cops. I think I'd be like, get the police involved. Call them. Get them down here because I'm as upset as you are won't you file a report i feel

they probably took something of mine what'd you say i can't i can't watch your phone it sounds like your mouth is nope i'm good i'm missing a lunchable that i got at that gas station there was another person sleeping in the room at the time the individual that individual spoke to police but claimed they did not touch the cheeseburger of course they did that's like can i talk to you over here for a second only through the blank obviously i know how this looks i know it's gonna look tell me tell me how does it look it It's going to look terrible. For who? For all of us. Well, for whoever stole from the two of us. I'm telling you.

I'm mad about this. Give me a minute. I need to take a shower. You have to trust me that I need it. Yeah. I need you to trust me right now. That's my friend over there. I love when people get in trouble situations and they just, they go so hard on logic that only they

understand i like you have to trust me they don't have to trust you yeah i like where you went with it that it was like he woke up and he was like oh shit the other guy what man my burger's gone no call the cops i'm gonna you should take this to 11 right now because he wasn't like get the fbi involved that's right let's cut out the middleman this could be a federal case the officer noted in the report that keegan byers was quote extremely intoxicated at the time of the incident so he also might have eaten it yeah i'm gonna say that he did oh that's story number two jeez so it's an unsolved story we don't know we don't by the way but we also know to this you as the cops can also say we're not sending manpower

out but they did right you know what i mean like you can say like they did because they're like we have a facebook page to fill yes we gotta write some let's go this might be i feel like i feel like if you're a cop in that situation you've gone to cop cop school, you're driving around, it must be late at night. Nothing's going on. You are allowed to empty your revolver in the room. Yes. You are allowed to just start blasting away until- Until one of them-

I'm going to start shooting one of you guys. So who ate the burger? And you just cock it. Yeah. I feel bad for cocking. If you guys had to put your money down, though. Now, keep in mind, Keegan Byers is very drunk. He's wasted.

Is your money on the fact that Keegan is so drunk he doesn't realize he ate it, or the other guy in the room definitely ate it? What do you think, Jay? I think the other guy in the room definitely ate it. Anthony? I'm going to say because it was next to his nightstand. And it's like, you've got to really sneak to go around and eat that burger. And a gas station burger is not that appetizing.

Right. I think if you eat one, you might just still keep eating and don't realize you ate the second one. I've done that where I've been drunk and I have two things and it's like, oh, I ate both of them? I thought I got three tacos. If I had to put money on it, I think it's a coin flip. If I had to put money, I'd say the guy ate both of them.

I think he ate both of them. That's what I think too. He's so drunk. He has no, like there are moments when we were in high school, we'd get drunk and order 10 Taco Bell tacos. Don't you also feel if you're the cop, you could talk to the other guy and in 30 seconds be able to tell whether or not he ate that burger? You could smell it on his breath. For sure.

Gas station burgers have an odor. Very strong. All right, that's story two. There you go, story two. Don Wess, can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear in the last segment? A woman waits too long to deal with something. Okay. All right, that's story two. There you go, story two. Don Wess, can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear in the last segment? A woman waits too long to deal with something. Okay. All right, good.

Very good. This sounds magical. Yeah, it is. It could be. I mean, Jessalyn Nick is with us. I'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Final segment. Dan, take us home. Here the show. Final segment. Dan, take us home. Here we go. All right. Headline again.

All these are good for reading the headline first. Well, I'll say it's set in first by Maria Pendolino, at Maria Pendo. All right, here we go. Woman's Crohn's disease turns out to be Heinz packet stuck in intestine. How hungry were you? And how bad is that doctor that they're like, oh, that's Crohn's disease. You ate the packet. What is Crohn's disease?

Crohn's disease is where you have to go to the bathroom a bunch. That's what it is? Yeah, I think so. It's obviously some sort of intestinal. I think it's a- You looking it up, Jay? It's a bad stomach is really what it is. It's not constipation.

It's the opposite. It's the opposite. Always can't handle it. So you would think the ketchup packet would block that up. No, it's like. Or it was like the edges of it are like rupturing your stomach lining and causing you to just die. Who is eating that fast, though? It's a chronic inflammatory bowel disease that affects the lining of the digestive tract.

See, that's what I said. Okay. bowel disease that affects the lining of the digestive tract. See, that's what I said. Okay. So the packet, the corner, the serrated edges of a ketchup packet or whatever, a Heinz packet, that's what's doing it. Yeah, you're just literally taking a huge thing of fries, including the packet, and just jamming it all in.

I would guess she did it as a goof. Like, watch me eat this packet. Or I had friends in high school put as many ketchup packets in the mouth as they could and then like hit their cheeks and like it would just explode you know what i mean like put that many packets in your mouth and then bite down yeah it's like their eyes get big and ketchup flies out of their mouth if you then maybe swallow one yeah you take a breath in and it goes down i remember one time i was eating i like bit off the corner of like a Fritos packet and sucked air in and the corner went down.

So that, just in a one weird moment of like, this is what happened, I just bit it off and then sucked it down and then I had a corner of it and I'm like, I'm gonna die with this thing in my throat and then ultimately... Yeah, but it wasn't a whole... It wasn't a whole packet of ketchup. If she did it as a dare, I respect her

more than her not having the spatial eating awareness to realize she's chewing on a packet. Yeah, because if you're eating French fries, you don't just swallow French fries. No. You chew them up. You would know. You would know. In a full packet, it wasn't like a – A full packet is this big at least.

Yeah, like the packet hadn't ruptured that I'm thinking it's some sort of dare or she was putting them in her mouth and accidentally swallowed one. If somebody says to you. Like a two-pocket above the room with the razor blade. If somebody says to you. Two-pocket. If someone says to you. That's Clark Brothers. Stop.

If someone says to you, hey, go swallow that packet. At some point, you got to just be like, we're not friends anymore. Yeah, I don't. Or. If you're literally asking me to do this right now and you want to see it done we can't be friends right what if it's like a maria full of grace situation where they're trying to get her to smuggle drugs and like practice these packets prove you got it open it up a little bit then we can put cocaine in the packets and you're getting across the border so

she didn't make it past the first interview right and then never dealt with it i want to know if it's if it's is it heinz you know i mean because Heinz is a little more respectable. It is Heinz. Okay, it's a Heinz ketchup packet? Because if it's Hunts, you're like Who are you? You're white trash. Trader Joe's organic. Get over yourself. If it's catsup. There you go. Get out of here. That was Aldi's brand. You're an animal. Heinz is classy.

A 41-year-old British woman who had been diagnosed with Crohn's disease and dealt with severe bowel issues found out the root of her pain was a Heinz ketchup packet stuck in her gut. Who is worse? The person who finds out that they had this stuck in their gut or the person who doesn't know that they're pregnant? Pregnant.

Because you know that's a whole series. I thought you were going to say the person who did this or the person who's like, it's Crohn's disease. He went to a doctor who was like, Crohn's. You're exhibitingiting he's not even looking up from the chart yeah okay fine but what if the doctor said you know we haven't taken an x-ray yet but you're exhibiting all the signs of having swallowed a ketchup packet that's amazing there's no way it's that that's people would be like that doctor is ridiculous that's the plot that's house that That's house. I know what it is. Doctor, this has never happened before.

Trust me. It's a packet. But the packet inside of you and not knowing that you're pregnant is the same. It's basically the same. It's like, I don't know what happened. Something came inside of you and you didn't realize. But ketchup packets don't make you gain weight. I can understand if you're on the heavier side not knowing you're pregnant.

Or maybe you block it out in your mind because you don't want to be pregnant so badly no one's thinking like a fucking ketchup packet right this is going to come back to haunt me no i hope it's crohn's disease it better be crohn's disease it's the first time anyone ever said it's better this person knows that they swallowed the ketchup packet and it never came out and so they're they're kind of feeling glad that they have Crohn's disease. They're like, oh, okay, that probably just dissolved. And are you happy if you do find out that it is the packet and not Crohn's disease? I think you're always happy. Maybe, honestly, you could be embarrassed and shamed because your family's been going

through this. You're going to doctors. You're like, it's because I ate a ketchup packet. Right. Not like a real disease. And I can see the guilt being overwhelming. I assume she was on her way to prom. Yeah. You know what I mean? And probably passed the. I assume she was on her way to prom. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And like probably passed the ketchup packet in the bathroom and just threw it in the garbage without telling anyone and then went out and danced. Right.

Yeah, went out and danced. Went out and danced anyways. So one of the chaperones found the ketchup packet and was like, I don't want to take care of this thing. I don't want to take care

of this ketchup thing for the rest of my life. I got a life ahead of me. That's right. It happens, man, all the time. She was diagnosed with Crohn's disease

after complaining of acute abdominal pain and bloating lasting up to or more than three days jeez the standard treatment wait wait she thought she had crohn's disease for three days well i'm saying what i think that's one of the their criteria have you had abdominal pain and bloating for up to three days or more. They diagnosed Crohn's disease. That's how they got to Crohn's. So she ate the ketchup packet and then within three days had symptoms and then they figured it out later on. So this was a week of her life.

This isn't like years of – Well. This isn't a crayon up the nose. But she feels like the type of person that would then tell everyone she had Crohn's disease. For years. So now she has to go back and explain. I'm going to ask you guys.

How long do you think, I know the answer, how long do you think the Heinz ketchup packet was in her stomach before they figured it out and removed it? Okay, Anthony. Good Lord. I think if it's in the stomach, I mean, it's going to pass through pretty quickly. No, they had to go get it. If you chew a piece of gum and that's in your body for like 11 years this year, something like that, seven years, I'm going to guess.

But this is a thing inside you that hurts. You're having bloating. How long are you going through that life thinking you have Crohn's disease before somebody's like, I figured it out. What state is this? This is in British. British. In England. This is in British.

In British. I read it and said it. In British. I'm going to say two years. I'm going to go. in England in British this is in British in British I read it and said it in British I'm gonna say I'm gonna say two years I'm just gonna I'm gonna go two years

I'm gonna average six months okay I'm gonna go crazy here and say seven years okay like gum I wish I had gone longer

why do I keep going first yeah you can do whatever you don't have to go first seven to six months I'm gonna stay with two okay I'm gonna dance with the girl who brought me here with the ketchup in her mouth. To this prom.

41-year-old woman in British. In British. Stop. Had a Heinz ketchup packet stuck in her gut for six years. Yeah. Jesus. That's a lot of Crohn's disease you do not have. So now she's got to go back and tell everyone I don't have Crohn's disease.

I was just an idiot who did something and then didn't realize. The standard treatment was no help to her, so doctors had to operate. During surgery, they discovered an inflamed mass piercing the woman's small intestine. Jeez. That turned out to be two pieces of packaging bearing the Heinz logo, so that also means she didn't swallow it whole. She's broken in half. She could have swallowed it whole and then the body ruptured.

Stomach acids ruptured it. After the packet was removed, the woman's pain went away immediately. Jesus. Is this the type of thing you put on your social media? I'm the woman who did this? Guys. Hey, guys. I'm the Heinz lady. I guarantee her friends and family

never let her forget this. No. Ever. Would you? That was your friend? You wouldn't be able to resist. That was your friend. Even if they ran out of the room

covered in blood, you'd be like, there goes Debbie with the ketchup again. She's doing a bit. She's doing a bit. The woman says she has no memory of eating a meal involving ketchup. Six years ago. Please. Please. no memory of eating a meal involving ketchup. Six years ago.

Please. Please. No memory of eating a meal involving ketchup. That's too much denial. Neither do I. But I know I've done it. You all have done it. Right.

Look, man, that guy couldn't remember he ate a cheeseburger on his nightstand. Okay? But he did it. We've all done it. So she's claiming that she is a ketchup-free person in life. So that was the affront. How dare you suggest that I would eat ketchup or something? So maybe the Lord put that ketchup packet inside of her.

Immaculate ketchup. Go for it. Ketchption. She does work in mysterious ways. He does. Did you say she does? Yeah. That's the story.

That's our three. There you go. All right. That's a show. All right, guys. That's a show, Anthony. Quick, painless, right? she does yeah that's the story that's our three there you go alright that's a show that's a show Anthony quick painless right

that's what I drove to Burbank for yeah and it felt worth it wasn't it worth it alright I'll take that I'll take that

as a compliment for you we got to plug all those random sets for you coming up at the comedy store and your TV show the things that sell

out anyway yeah when is the TV show coming back? We start filming in April. I assume it'll be out in the fall. I mean, comedy,

there's like a merger. So now who the fuck knows what's happening. Everyone's getting fired left and right. Yes. I always see so. I don't, I don't know. I'm more a Quibi guy.

Yeah, fair enough. 10 minute bite size out. Gotcha. But yeah, I mean, I'm, this is a favorite to all of you.

And I'm not just talking to you guys. I mean, the listeners as well. sure. That's my, I love, this is a favorite to all of you. And I'm not just talking to you guys. I mean the listeners as well. Yeah, sure. That's my, I love, I enjoy doing podcasts. I do not enjoy driving to them. But thank you for having it in like an office as opposed to making me come to your house. Because I hate that.

You don't want us to do a load of laundry while we're. Yeah. It's like come to my house in the middle of the afternoon. And I'm also, I'm filming this. Yes. Without telling you. Okay. I don't like that.

All right. Well, dude, thanks for joining us. Appreciate it. Yeah. So glad to call. Great attitude. Good attitude, and oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. When you're down, it's Dumb People Town.