Dumb People Town - Arden Myrin - I've Killed Boyfriends For Less

Episode Date: October 27, 2020

This week Arden Myrin comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a man that hijacks a helicopter to save his wife from prison. The second story is about a man that was denied a teaching position at a French kindergarten for being too scary. The final story is about the Richmond PD receiving a report of a cult gathering.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Marine. Population Marine. Arden Marine. Hi, girl. Hi, girl. Hey. Hey, girl. We wanted you on this thing for so long, and this is the perfect

opportunity to have you on it because you've written an hilarious book. It is so funny. Little Miss Little Compton. We will talk about it in a little bit. We're not going to get into it now, but it's out there now and people can get it and they can laugh their asses off. I'm just thinking

about your dad's mini cooler and it is making me laugh so hard. We'll get into it later. It's a real deal. My question for you, girl, is do you think the world's getting dumber? What do we think? Oh, yeah.

Oh, for sure. I mean, is there any doubt that it's getting, obviously it's getting dumber. Has the pandemic made us even dumber? Yeah, the pandems, you know what it is? The pandems has made us defiant and reckless. Yeah. And it's like,

it's brought out like, I'm the boss of me. You know, germs, excuse you, I'm the boss of me you know germs excuse you i'm the boss of me pin dumbs and you will not take me down yes you're not gonna take me down not of my backyard it might take my neighbor down but yeah for sure so this is it i think the things in indian i know you agree with this the things that people are prideful about, like have pride in, that shows how dumb they are. I'm proud about not wearing a mask. I'm proud about it's that. And also, I think people cut corners all the time in stupid ways.

But now it can kill you. That's the thing. I didn't realize how quick of a hand washer I was. You know what I mean? Like I washed my hands. how quick of a hand washer I was. You know what I mean? Like I washed my hands,

but until March, when you think about when we were all wiping down our cereal boxes in March, you know what I'm saying? The care, the scrub, like the surgery scrub of like, what have I been doing? I don't rub my hands raw,

but I didn't realize how sort of throwaway i was doing no you gotta you gotta do it you gotta do it you gotta do it you gotta do it uh well we believe the world's getting dumber and our awesome uh fans send us wonderful stories and so we get to go through them with you and i'm so happy you're here we're going to talk about your book a little bit later but let's jump into a story right now shall we do? Should we? Should we do a story? Let's do one, Dan. Okay. DVK. I know. How are you? Good to see you,

Martin. I'm fancy today. I'm fancy today because I did a Hallmark show this morning, so I've been put through, like, I got glam in my yard. Oh my god. Works. Yeah. I love it. Yes. I've been through the works in my yard in like a bubble

People in garbage bags With paintbrushes from afar I do like the things they put in place We've done a couple productions And thank God they're being super careful I've now had a blood test For a COVID test And now once you get the blood test

You're like everybody should be That's the one You don't have COVID but you are pregnant so that's a weird it's a weird blood test to take this was sent in by Sarah at Shabbatra love it yep

here we go a criminal who hijacked and diverted a helicopter in midair in an attempt to break his wife out of a Belgian prison. What? Has been arrested after detectives found he used his own name to book the flight.

Wow. You got to do it all right. He planned everything. He planned a lot of this. Now, if your husband planned a lot of it and only got a little of it wrong, how much would you give him the benefit of it? I mean,

first of all, I'm wowed by the gesture. I love the maverick side of it. I love the grand scale thing. He's not like with a spoon digging a tunnel under it like that. I like the swagger and this sort of like 18-team-ness of it.

Right. That, and that would be, basically, if that guy's my husband, I married a really hot dum-dum. That's a hot dum-dum.

It's a hot dum-dum. You married the third banana of the A-team. You know what I mean? Yes, I married, I married, I guess, Murdoch?

Murdoch. Yeah, he's like the guy below Murdoch. Amy, season one. Well, they, I'm about Amy. They got below Murdoch. Amy. Season one. I'm about to show you a picture of the two of these people. And they have a very

Charlie's Angels, like Remington Steel, heart versus heart. She's in jail. She's in jail. She's in jail. It is not. Dan,

you're going to look at these people and you're going to be like, that is not what I, this is the fantasy of all guys to marry a bad girl. Okay, here we go. Oh, I need to see this.

All right, here comes a picture. You can see it on our Facebook page, by the way. Everybody, join the Facebook. Follow Dumb People Town as a Facebook page, because all these pictures are up there, and of all these stories, you want to see the pictures. You want to see Remington's deal. Dude, I mean, now more than ever, you need to see Remington's deal.

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding? You think you don't need to see Remington's deal? Actually, it's not letting me share it, but my assistant might have the ability to share it. Could you kidding me? You think you don't need to see running to steal? It's not letting me share it, but my assistant might have the ability to share it. Could you put a link in the chat? We can figure it out. Let's keep talking about it.

Describe what I'm going to see. Are they like cocky? They're like, yeah, we did. Well, they're just two people who look like they just... You don't... She looks a little bit more devious. He's not the type of guy I would see stealing a helicopter.

Oh, okay. Yes. No. It's like PJ Byrne married a bad girl. And that's like his mail order bride. And he was like, I would do anything for you. This is at the wedding. She's in jail.

She's in jail. This is like motion Natasha. But she's in jail. She's in jail. This is an emotion Natasha in the real world. What did she do? Well, Mike Guyland threatened the helicopter's pilot using a replica handgun. This is very National Lampoon. It could make a very bad welt. It could lodge under the skin. that he sought to... It could make a very bad weld

under the skin. As he sought to spring Crystal Appelt from Birkendall Women's Prison in South Brussels on Friday where she was being held on suspicion of murdering an ex-boyfriend. What?

First of all, she already has a stripper name, which is incredible. Crystal Appelt? Crystal Appelt? K-R-I-S-T-E-L. Crystal. of all she already has a stripper name which is incredible crystal crystal crystal i mean is there anything hot she must be such a she must put on such like a floor show in bed like a gymnastics floor show oh yeah acrobat like you know there's like aerial thing like she is a bobcat in the sack. You know the best sex he's ever had. Ever had. It's break someone on a prison sex. No.

It's know that you murdered someone else and you went to jail. I'm still going to marry you. And then when you're in jail, I'm going to break you out. Stand by your gal. And by the way, I can't wait for you to try to murder me. You know what I mean? Like he's probably going to murder me. You're murdering me with how much I love you. You're murdering me with your, like, fucking lady boner.

I know. Bring it. It's full bone zone. I love it. She's like a mastermind. The helicopter circled the prison several times. So, like, there's no discreteness to this. No.

But Galan's plan was foiled as the pilot was unable to land within the courtyard. You didn't even check to see if you had enough room to land a helicopter. Babe, babe, babe, I tried. I told him to. He wouldn't do it. Did you get the right size helicopter? Yeah, I tried.

I tried. I tried. Do you guys remember the A-Team episode where Murdoch was like, I need trash bags, I need trash bags, and they had to get out of the prison, and he basically, like, I need trash bags. I need trash bags. And they had to get out of the prison. And he basically, like he and Faceman tied two chairs, like folding chairs, garbage bags.

And then they took hair dryers. And then they just blew themselves up and out like jet packs. And they got up and out of the courtyard. That's what they fucking needed. They jet packed themselves out with hair dryers and trash. And how were the hair dryers plugged into what? Plugged into the 80s. We didn't need to plug into the 80s.

Arden Marine plugged into the 80s. Perfect. So the helicopter pilot was unable to land within the courtyard. This is where it starts. It gets really fun. While the helicopter flew over the prison, the inmates cheered and waved. But Guylin became nauseous and had to put his head out of the helicopter five times to throw up. So he

like five times. So all the game and absolutely no get you need so little game to get some action at a women's prison don't you think though that the helicopter pilot at some point was like trying to make him sick like just taking it a little too tightly in the circles can i ask you a question yes i mean look so we're already we're in a women's prison they got nothing they're bored i mean this is a blast

you're seeing something middle management accountant vomiting. Like, he's got a fake gun circling your prison, vomiting out of it. When you watch a car chase on TV, first of all, mesmerizing. Second of all, aren't you always kind of rooting for them to get away? So, sort of the fun of, like, this accountant hanging out with vomiting. I know, man. Just trying to get close to his lady. He just wants to see.

How much would you pay to have been watching that? Like, with the vomit. I would have loved to have seen this. Just the gathering of the prisoners to look up and cheer at what's going on. Because, you know, the woman down there was like, that's my man. That's my man!

Also, do you think the armed guards are like, buddy, what do you think's gonna happen when you get down here? Yeah. We're not going to be like, well. We could shoot you down now. Right. But we're so bored we want to watch it.

We love watching you vomit. We want to see you throw up more. How come they didn't do lower the ladder and let her jump on and hang on and then swing her over the wall? That's very A-team. That's it. That is straight up ladder her up out of this place. You better get that lads on. The pilot was then instructed to

fly to a nearby town south of the Belgian capital where a getaway car was waiting in a car park. Guylin was later found, I love this, with his 50-year-old adoptive father, which means that guy is just trying to prove to this boy that he loves him

you don't look i chose you i adopted you think a real dad would do this i will drive i will always drive your getaway car you think a real dad would drive a getaway car you know what i hear i hear like a man that had an affair with his secretary that was sort of like, I will treat you like my son. You know what I mean? I fell in love with Brenda. You are my actual son, but I will adopt you as my real son. I didn't want my first wife to find out, so I'm acting like I'm being cool, even though you literally are my son.

Wait, wait, wait, Arden. Are you saying that this guy was married to another woman? Then he had an affair with his secretary. He said, you cannot keep this baby. She said, I'm keeping it and I'm putting it up for adoption. He found that baby and adopted him as his own. And said, I will support you. This is a great watch time. I mean, that wasn't exactly what I was saying, but I have to say, it's even better.

It's better than what I was. It actually is better. It's a better thing that I came up with. I like it. The two men, Guilen and his 50-year-old adoptive real-life father, they were found along with two other suspects aged 18 and 22. Who are these kids that they've roped into this yeah they were arrested within 24 hours of the failed prison break after detectives found that guylin had used his own name

when booking the helicopter at the airport you think of everything you're like i got the plan i'm gonna steal it in the air we're gonna go over there i try exactly i took drama he's not a liar he's not a liar i'm driving van a liar. I'm driving Van Pelt. What's your name? And he like gives, before he gets on the phone, he's like, don't give your name.

Don't give your name. Like, sir, what's your name? And he gives his name. Mark Island. God damn it. God damn.

Here's my, this comes back to when you asked me if I think people are getting dumber. I'm going to, I'm going to choke, like chalk it up to the pandems. Yeah. They're bored. They're like, fuck it. I got nothing to choke it up to the pandems. They're bored.

They're like, I got nothing to lose. We're all going to die. I'm going to steal a helicopter in the air. And if I die trying, who cares? My name is Mark Island. Who cares? My name is Mark Island. Literally, who cares?

I've been cooped up. It's not Mark Island, is it? No. It's Guy-land. It's Guy-land. Gay-land? Gay-land. Mike Guy-land. Mike Guy-land. been cooped up i don't want to wear is it no it's guylin it's guylin gaylin mike guylin gay guy guylin that's what i'm going with quote i love this story so much i can confirm i love his lawyer his name is tom tom van overbeck nothing you can do can keep me away from my island. That was good. I can confirm that my client admitted that he wanted to free his wife

from prison. Except it's nothing you can say can keep me away from either way. Quote, it seems the whole thing has been staged quite amateur lishly. First of all, but only the part with the name. Everything else was epic. I mean,

they got a helicopter. They had a circling Vim, a donut, a vomit around a woman. He did not have a plan. You got to ladder that gal out of there. You lose a lot. Who do I have to audition for to play a part of a

woman's prisoner watching this circus? What part of the budget? You should be the bride. I got to be the bride. You can be Crystal Guyland. Are you kidding me? I'd be like, you better fucking land that. You ever want to see this again?

You want to see this business again? You better land it. For once in your life. For once in your fucking life. And I'll murder you. I'll kill boyfriends for less. Yes. You think I didn't fucking kill Gary?

I want you to play this woman. I can't wait. And I would play with that accent because that seems like a believable Belgian accent. And I'm going to tell you right now, what you just did right there, it could be your screen test. Well, you ready for that? During COVID, I'm counting it. Are you ready for their meet cute? This is my self tape., you ready for that? And during COVID, I'm counting it. Are you ready for their meet-cute? This is my self-tape.

Are you ready for their meet-cute? Oh, I'm ready for their meet-cute. Guylen, the guy who we've all noted looks like some early rendering of Peter Griffin from Family Guy. He looks like a nerdier version of Three-Fourths of the Barenaked Ladies. Yes.

He is a convicted drug smuggler. and he met and married crystal his wife sure he met in the mixed gender has it prison last year we both crystal and i had visitors on in january 2019 we bumped into each other in the visitors area guyland told het balang van limburg newspaper last year we still knew each other from before, but hadn't seen each other in a long time. Our ankle cuffs got. Because we could never see each other. We both started taking computer lessons in prison.

That was the only way to be together. Oh my God. She sent me that titty shot. I'm getting that you out of there with, even if I'm puking in circles all over your prison. Listen, before we started that computer class, she did not know how to email an attachment. By

the end, she knew how to email my attachment. Titty galore. This is a better version of how I met your mother. I have to. This is a better version of you've got mail. Crystal is still in the jail. This is the better version of How I Met Your Mother. I have to say. This is a better version of You've Got Mail. Crystal is still in the jail. This is the original draft of Nora Ephron's original script.

When Harry murdered Sally. When Sally murdered the guy before Harry. Crystal is still in jail on suspicion of the stabbing death of Andy Verderet. Stabbing! Thank you! During a street fight. She was in a street fight

with this guy and killed him. Okay, Amy, you think I'm not showing up with my fucking knife and a rusty fender? Excuse you! If you think... You get over here. You don't fuck with Crystal. I'm gonna fucking gut you right here in this fucking street.

You have this role. It's yours. You don't have to do anything else. If I'm the writer, gut you right here You have this role It's yours If I'm the writer, producer, slash director I'm giving you this role You know what, I need it I feel like I just won the contest I needed that You were born to play Come on, Dan

How old is Crystal LaPelt? Now we saw a picture of her If you want to see a picture of her You got to join the Facebook page I mean first of all It looked like it was from like 1963 The photo Or 93

You can't tell So how old is she now? In your eyes I mean I wanted to say like 42 But I'm gonna say 23 Okay Jay 31

Okay 39 Alright Do you say 42? I said at first I wanted to say 42 23. Okay, Jay. 31. Okay. 39. All right. Do you say 42? I said it first. I wanted to say 42, but now I'm saying 23. 23, 29, 39.

One of you is one year off. Would any of you like to change your number one year up or down? 38. Okay. 20, 20. What did I say? 23. 22. I'm going down. 30. Okay. 20, 20... What did I say? 22. I'm going down. 30. Okay. We'll close up.

Story number one. The story of the love and the prison break gone wrong. Crystal LaPelt. The role which Arden will win an Emmy for. She will win a daytime Emmy for even though it

plays at night. Cable Ace Award, which no longer exists. Anna Dramadex Award. It's my Patricia Arquette escape from Jenna Mora. Thank you. This is what it is. Crystal is 24 years old. Oh! I should have gone up.

I should have gone up. Here's the thing. If you is the role. Still in. Here's the thing. If you get the role, you'll play her like she's 22. I'm going to play her like she's 22. And if you put this nice Zoom filter on, you'll be like, how old is she? You just keep that Vaseline. 24.

She's 24. She's 22. But she seems 22. I love it. She's looking 22, but they've aged her up to play 24. Smart. I love it. All right. There's our first story down in the books. Arden Marine is with us, and she has a new up to play 24. Smart. I love it. Alright, there's our first story

down in the books. Arden Marine is with us, and she has a new book, which I can't wait to talk to you about on the other side of this. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get to Arden's unbelievable book.

We have something fun. We have something fun. Something very fun. And it also talks about something we want to let everybody know about. So the Dumb People Town Live is November 7th. November 7th with Jon Hamm and the band Tennis. And we do it at Nowhere Comedy Club. And you can do it.

Get your tickets. Get your tickets. There's only a few left. But this is what we did. And we're going to do it again. And when we announce the only way you can be eligible, we're going to announce it for the next one. That very next episode or we will announce the December show on November 7th.

If you're at that show and you buy tickets at night, you have the opportunity to automatically win entry into the VIP hang after the show. Who are the five people? There are five people who won that. We're going to announce those right now alexander thompson yes jamie cartwright yes got carpenter who is one of our patreons he's a true local emily newton and crispin cot so all five of you yes get to join in to our vip ticket if you already have a vip ticket like dan i already bought one i'll take

care of you we can figure that out just emailvkshows at gmail.com, and we'll make sure that you are taken care of. Maybe we'll just get you hooked up for the next show in December. But you all won it because you came to the last show and bought your tickets right away. Which reminds me, speaking of Scott Carpenter, we have so many great things happening with the Patreon. If you're already hooked onto that,

look and see all the great things you now get. If you're new to it and you haven't checked out before, now is a great time. It should be around the time this drops. That's right. A couple of days. We'll have a big announcement, but definitely by November 7th. If you tune in, you'll be hearing all about the new stuff going on on our Patreon. That's enough of my plug. If you're looking for a good book to read, I am knee deep in this book and it is so goddamn funny. I mean, I'm trying to read it in two ways, Arden. Okay. I'm trying to read it. No, I'm trying to read it in that I know you and I picture you saying every single thing in here.

So like, because I know you, I actually have your voice in my head, but I just think it's really hilarious when there are moments where I can step outside of that and be like, if I didn't know you, I'd be dying right now. The book is called Little Miss Little Compton. And first of all, you dispense with that right away because a white girl on the front of a book that says Little Miss Little Compton, I'm sure there are people like, hang on, that's cultural appropriation.

You can't, you're not. And you're like, wait a minute, that's Rhode Island. It's not Compton, LA. This is where I grew up. I grew up in a town called Little Compton, Rhode Island that had never heard of the real Compton until the movie came out. Not even the album. It was truly the movie. They were like, wait, what? Because it's so small, so small. But it's an amazing book about your life.

And you said something early in the book, which is kind of fascinating. And it was, I don't want to say it was a throwaway observation, but it was about like living in a small town that you, in your own little, you either live a simple life of like a small town life or you live kind of in isolation and you can live whatever crazy life you decide to make up for yourself. And I never thought of it like that, that like when you're in this universe where you grew up, this crazy small town thing, your family created its own crazy ass rules and it's an insane world. It's an interesting thing. Like I just took it for granted. Like this is how everybody grows up and I have people reading it.

They're like, what the fuck? They're like, it? They're like, it's like West and like Royal Tenenbaum meets like somebody called it funding with scissors. Like it's like running with scissors, but fun. Like it's crazy. So my parents met in Manhattan and they got married on a dare.

Which is the craziest story ever. Don't give too much of a way because it is amazing. I'm not going to give too much of a way. But then, so then they much away but then so then they but it is an interesting thing like as i've been promoting the book i i didn't realize like i was doing um mike kaplan show and he asked me what i like to do when i was little and i was saying how much i loved it like it was just always make-believe like i love to play store and i love to like just i would have little like fake cash registers and and he was like and he was saying that my town is so small. There's not even a stoplight.

There's literally one old general store. There's a coffee shop, which is a tiny barn and an apple orchard. And he was like, oh, so you had to make. You had to invent what that was. Because there was no store. Like there's everything you did didn't exist. Because there was no store. Right. Like, everything you did didn't exist.

And yet, I also had unlimited access to, like, adult pop culture, which I shouldn't have. Yeah, exactly. But, like, really good, like, Steve Martin and Monty Python and Saturday Night Live when I was, like, four and five. You know, so I was aware of this larger world. And a lot of, like, 1940s movies and 1950s movies. Yeah. But then nothing was there. So it's all, the beauty of it is

everybody just kind of leaves everybody alone because you have all this land and you just get to make whatever weird world you want to make. I just, it's fascinating and deep and beautiful. And funny as shit. I think it's deep in ways that I don't even know if you realize like a tiny

moment of your mom, letting you go hang out on the porch of a vacation home. That's empty. And watch like the, the waves come in and watch like that is, that is, I was thinking of the movie eternal sunshine, the spotless mind.

I don't know why that came to me, but in that moment, but I was like, this is poetic in like a bizarre way. And maybe it's because we're parents and our kids are, you know, of that age and whatnot. Now I thought of, I saw this book through your eyes and I saw this book through your parents' eyes.

Fascinating. Lisa Delario calls it my mom war. It is your mom war. She says it's my mom. It's a love letter to her in so many ways. And it's just beautiful. But your dad's a love letter to her in so many ways and it's just beautiful but your dad's a crazy ass character too one of the funniest descriptions of any dad

I've never even heard it before dude truly he was I mean she was barely in the proposal I didn't even see her as like a funny character she was just and I didn't realize how unusual she was but like she gave us the freedom.

Like, she would take my brother and I on hooky days. Yeah, the hooky days. And then she hated, like, the bullshit. Like, she was really harsh on, like, my classmates. She'd be like, that kid's a drip. I love it. That kid's a drip. Like, why are they sucking their thumbs in sixth grade?

I was like, oh, you go to the planetarium again where they don't have any fucking money? Or we're playing hooky. Your mom's right. Your mom is right she's right that kid is a goddamn drip I remember there was like a roller skating party I had and there was one girl who was like Mrs. Marine

the girls are being mean to me and she's like ugh I had to skate around with Candace but like yeah I didn't mean to you're a fucking drip you're a fucking drip your mom's like mean to. You're a fucking drag. You're a fucking drag. Your mom's like trying to make her into a better human being. Yeah, like stop being such a drag. Like just nut up.

Like just such a New England, like growing up with an older brother and a family that is like truly like nut up. It is so good. But my dad was batshit. Like my dad was batshit.

Like my dad. Crazy. Looked like John Belushi. Built like. Only less healthy, as you said in the book. Only less healthy. It's so funny. My editor, God bless her.

But she was like, I don't get it. Wasn't John Belushi unhealthy? Did your editor say that? I want to smack that person right now. No, you don't even know. It's such a good joke. I cackled out loud when I read it. Truly, he was John Belushi, but less healthy.

And he looked just like him. And he was literally like just, he was such not a 2020 dad. You know what I mean? He was like, I told your mother she wanted to have kids. She had to deal with you guys. It was just like, truly like we were a divorced house. And like she got sold custody but they were married and lived together.

He lived in the divorced house. He lived in the divorced house. He was our married dad, but he was just like, you're your mother's kids. And at a certain point you're like, oh, okay. Like where was her? Well, she's more fun anyway. Yeah, we're going to go on vacation with her and he was just like, that's the best vacation I ever had was when you left.

Oh, and then yeah yeah he carried a cooler everywhere the cooler is my favorite thing I don't want to give it away if you want to hear these stories and if you want a good read in the pandemic people are always asking me what are you reading and what's getting you through I love this book

so much Little Miss Little Compton it's a fast read too it's a fast read it's like's a fast read. It's like 250 pages, but I know I'm barreling through it. It is just so fun and it's like kind of the perfect thing, especially right now as we head towards this election and

this crazy town everywhere. I don't know. It just took me to another place, so I'm really proud of you. All right, let's get into another story. Are you guys ready? Yes, let's do it. Sent in by Jeffrey Alberghini. Alberghiniberghini hitting up the episodes lately thanks j at jj alberghini another thing we got halloween coming up so this was something i thought was a little bit scary no judgment just scary okay a school teacher whose body face and tongue are covered in tattoos and who has had the whites of his eyes surgically turned black said

he was prevented from teaching at a French kindergarten after a parent complained that he scared their child. If you are, if this is all that you have and you have all these things on you, that's fine. Teaching in arts high school. It's a free, right? It's a free country. Do it. Do it.

But understand that going to teach kindergarten at a French school, you're going to get some looks. I mean, a French school might accept it. The French school might accept it. Question. The French school might go, no, no. What is the problem?

Question. Wait. Is it the whites of the eyes are black? The whites of his eyes have been turned black. So everything's black. Again, here's a picture. Look at this, Arden. That's for kindergartners.

Oh, there we go. Look at that. Look, I'm not saying he shouldn't. I'm not saying he isn't. The wheels on the bus are off the bus. Off the bus. Oh, my God. Off the bus.

We're not saying he's not a very nice person. I have a safety pin through my penis. Off the bus. We're not saying he's not a very nice person. I have a safety pin through my penis. He might be a great teacher. He might be a great teacher. How did he even get any resume? Like, why kindergarten? Why is that what you wanted? It seems like you have other gifts.

Wouldn't you want to work at a tattoo parlor? It looks like he does, or they work at him. The tattoo parlor works at him. At him. He's like Yakov Smirnoff of tattoos. Tattoo parlor work at me. No, but I'm saying is that you want to be a teacher. Great. I'm not saying you are a beautiful soul.

Maybe he's the best teacher ever. But at that age, those kids can't curb. I'm going to tell you right now. Their fears. They can't see past. It's already weird to have a male kindergarten teacher. There was one at our school. True story.

He's like a little bit of like the disciplinarian guy. He gave timeouts when everyone was like, I don't know if we're doing that anymore. But he started doing that. And we're just like, all right, that's what he does. And he really relates well to the book. I don't know. But I'm just saying there is a moment where you're like,

not that it's just weird. It just, it isn't in the norm. I don't know. But I'm just saying, there is a moment where you're like, not that it's just weird, it just, it isn't in the norm. Now you add this kind of thing to it and you go, this dude, I understand why people- I mean, yeah,

I can see somebody saying like, oh, that's it. You don't see, I feel like you don't see enough male kindergarten teachers. Which, by the way- That would make him unique or stand out,

but he leaned way in on the unique and standing out. I'm trying to picture my mom. My mom would be like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, okay, this freak show is going to teach it. I don't think a homie don't think so. By the way, your mom was

pretty cool with a lot of stuff, but she would look at this guy and be like, eh. And look, again, I agree with Randy. He could be the best teacher in the world. And by the way, I think he could teach so many kids. About not judging a book by its cover. Exactly. But offhand, the first day they walk into classrooms.

But kindergarten. Kindergarten. That's my point. Kindergarten. Age it up a little. Age it up a little. Make junior high kids not judge a book by its cover. Junior high.

Junior high, high school. But I'm just saying. Art school. His kids wanted to do distance learning in 2018. I just don't want any of our beautiful town members, townies or civilians, to get the idea that we're not saying... I am 100% in support

of this guy and whatever he does to his body. But you can't prevent little kids getting scared. Think about... You know who's not scary? Santa. Know your audience. Right. That's what I was going to say. Santa's not scary and it's still terrifying audience. Right. That's what I was going to say. Santa's not scary, and it's still terrifying as a little kid to go sit on his own. Exactly. It's so frightening to go to school for the first time in your life.

You're getting on a bus. You're like, bye, mom. I guess I'll be okay. And then that's great. You're just so little. You're so little. It's shocking. I mean, if you want to see something crazy, go down the website.

There's a website or an Instagram, evil or Easter bunnies with bad auras. I'm telling you, they're terrifying. You have to see it. Goddamn terrifying. It is terrifying. It's just like evil looking Easter bunnies. Just look it up online. It's terrifying.

Is it bad to have an Easter bunny around kids? No. No, but I think what we're saying is- Some of these look like killers. I'm writing that down right now. Killers. What we're saying about this guy is we are 100% in support of his lifestyle. Totally.

And 100% in support- Remember Leopard Larry, Tig's friend? We loved him too. Love Leopard Larry. I love all of it. I'm just saying you can't be surprised if people are- If someone's going to complain. Yeah.

It almost feels like he was looking for a lawsuit. You know what I mean? Thank you. Like, okay, I'm going to look like this. Where can I go and be like, how a lawsuit. You know what I mean? Like, okay, I'm going to look like this. Where can I go and be like, how dare you? You know what I mean? It's like, look. Don't, don't.

That's a faux surprise. You knew. You knew. And that's fine. Go do your thing, chicken wing. But like, come on. Don't do it that way. All right.

So what happened? Well, Sylvan Helene still teaches children from the age of six and up and said that after the initial shock, when they see him for the first time, his pupils see past his appearance. I totally believe you. We're all talking about that first. He quote quote from him.

All my students and their parents were always cool with me because basically they knew me settling who estimated he has spent how many hours under the tattooist needle. Now you guys, we all got a good looking of how many hours under the tattooist's needle? Now, you guys, we all got a good look at him. How many hours of work? Under the tattooist's needle? Can I ask one question? I will say this.

Does anybody have a tattoo? Because I don't have one. Not yet. No. I will be getting one soon. Okay. How long does, like, say I wanted, like, a picture of, I don't know, Lisa Rinna on my arm. Like, her face.

I mean, it depends. Those lips take a long time to do. Yeah, it depends on your line and your shading. And I know very little about this, but I would imagine just like an average portrait on your arm, probably like four hours. If you get Lisa Rinna, I'm going to get Harry Hamlin just so we can hang out at a party.

Yes. Oh, my God. You know what? We got off to the lows of the pandems. Let's do it. I'm getting L.A. Law Harry Hamlin. Let's do it. I'm going to get Corbin Bern Yes. Oh my God. You know what? We got off to the lows of the pandems. Let's do it. I'm getting L.A. Law, Harry Hamlin. Let's do it. I'm going to get Corbin Bernson. There you go. Also,

for something like that, you might have to come back like sometimes people get the lines and then they have to come back after those all heal and get the colors. How long do you think he's been on? You saw the picture. Yeah. Oh my God. So I'm the one guessing first. I'm the Price is Right first bid. I'm the Price is Right first bid. I'm the Price is Right first bid.

You can guess first or you can guess. I'll go last. I'm going to go last. I'm going to go last. Last. Okay. Jay, go first. I'm going to say 2,000 hours.

2,000 hours from Jason Slade. Under the Tattooist Pen is my favorite Diane Lane movie. She was so great. I would say 700 hours. 700 hours from Randy's club. I am going to say 5,600 hours. 5,600 hours. Yeah.

Oh, my God. He estimated he has spent around 460 hours. I'm great with numbers. I'm great with numbers. That's what I said. 700 hours? Yeah. Okay.

Good guess. It's only when people see me from far away that they can assume the worst. I would disagree with that as well. I think if they can see. That picture's pretty close. People could make any sort of assumption. That doesn't mean they're right or I'm telling them they should. But distance is not a factor when being scared.

This guy would be great for one assembly. Yes. He's good for that one. To scare people straight. Look at how you judge me. And then he's sweet as can be. Yeah, you're right. And he's like so sweet.

And then he's like a mom and Sean or something at the end. You're like, this is fun. You find out that he's like a helicopter paramedic. Great. I love this. I judged him by his cover. I've learned my lesson. It's my fault.

I should be more open minded. Kids, don't judge this guy. And then they say to him, now get the fuck out of our school. Okay, now you're really freaking me out. I've learned my lesson. It's my fault. I should be more open-minded. Kids, don't judge this guy. And then they say to him, now get the fuck out of our school. Okay, now you're really freaking me out. He said last year he was teaching kindergarten in a suburb of Paris. I never think about the suburbs of Paris.

When the parents of a three-year-old child complained to educational authorities, they said their son, who was not even taught by Helene, had nightmares after seeing him, which I 100% agree. Perfect. Three-year-old. A couple of months later, the school authorities informed him he would no longer teach kindergarten children.

He said, quote, I think the decision they took was quite sad. A spokesman for the local education authority said an agreement was reached with Helene to move him away from teaching kindergarten pupils under six could be frightened by his appearance under six yeah wow despite the setbacks helene said he would stick with his chosen career i'm a primary school teacher i love my job i know but sometimes the job has to love you it's right that's right he said he started getting tattoos at the age of 27 while teaching at a private school in london he had an existential crisis. You want to bring that to the kids always. Since then, he said...

To the kindergartners. He said getting tattoos is my passion. You only get one. I thought teaching was your passion. I know. Interesting. He said he hoped to show pupils that they should accept people who are different from the norm. We all agree. How about he shows his own pupils?

Every time you say the word pupils, I'm like, there's been so many different uses of the word pupils in the story. Yes, the kids. Maybe when they're adults, I love this idea, but it is a big hope that you think by them seeing your back dragon tattoo and the literal blacks of your eyeballs,

he says, quote quote maybe when they're adults they will be less racist and less homophobic and more open-minded i mean that's the dream it's a bit i mean for some of them it's the nightmare what if ben affleck took what if ben affleck took that giant back tattoo put some like blacked out the whites of his eyes and then played this guy in some french movie he's a wild card do it. He's a wild card right now. 2020, Ben Affleck's a wild card. I agree with you. Look, here's the deal.

I'm just going to say this. If this guy was a burn victim, let's say when he was like 14 years old, there was a horrible fire. Chemical fire or something. His whole face was burned. And so his face is kind of rough. And that's just what it is. He becomes Deadpool. And he really face is kind of rough. And that's just what he is. He becomes Deadpool.

And he really, really wanted to teach kindergarten. Then you got a situation where you're like, well, this is not learning. And he really wants to teach kids. And you know what? I'm sorry. This is what this guy wants to do. These are choices this guy made. To decorate his body. God bless. Have a great time. Do what you can, but understand

that some kids... And no one's saying you can't teach. They're saying, how about you teach, but maybe you teach 13-year-olds, 14-year-olds, 15-year-olds. Yeah, they need to not judge books by their cover too. So you need to understand and go on the fly. The world pivots. We've all had to pivot in this pandemic. I'm sorry. I'm on this guy's side a little bit, and I'm all for being accepting.

Randy hit the nail on the head, dude. Dude, know your audience. Make your choices, but know your audience. And understand that your choice was to get all tatted up, and that makes you happy, and you love your appearance. It's your passion. It's your passion. You think it's cool.

In doing so, there are some things you can do, and there are some things you can't do. When you cut your whole face, scalp, and eyeballs, it might limit working with children. Yeah. Just a bit. Little kids. We say older kids is good.

If you say, I'm going to become a folk singer, then you can't also want to own a house. Exactly. You got to read it. Pick one. That's it. When we come back, we're going to ask

a Patreon question for you on the other side of this, and then we'll have one more quick story. Arden Marine is with us, and we have one story left, so don't go nowhere. Stick around. Make it sound. Four more. Don't people town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to the show. Dan, take us home. Take us home. Okay. Here we go, friends. Ready? Yep. This is sent in by Jeffrey Alberghini. Hey, Alberghini. show. Dan, take us home. Okay, here we go, friends. Ready? Yep. This is sent in by Jeffrey Alberghini.

Hey, J.J. Alberghini. It's the low-rate Alberghini. I love it. Thanks, buddy, for sending these in. Anybody else who wants to send me the story, here's the best way to do it. On Twitter, specifically, type in at Daniel Van Kirk, type in hashtag dumbpeopletown,

and then throw the link in for the story. That's how we do it. Just like Jeffrey did. Here we go. Richmond's Pointe Malate. Is that what it is? I don't know. Sounds racist.

I had a Pointe Malate the other day and it was fantastic. A little too much milk. Okay. You know what? It didn't sit right, but it felt good going down. It didn't sit right.

It didn't sit right. A little heavy. A little heavy. Was the scene of, quote, some type of cult or quote activist gatherings over the weekend. Don't get me started Dan. I'll next see him. Was there volleyball

being played? Don't get me started on anything. I don't want to say it but I have heard all about the volleyball games. Do you want to go to 10? Because if we go to 10 we're going to start grabbing everybody's boobs. Okay here stop. Do you want to go to 10? That's a real part that happens. Are you serious? Do Because if we go to 10, we're going to start grabbing everybody's boobs. Okay, here, stop. I don't want to go to 10. That's a real part that happens. Are you serious? Do you want to go to 10?

Oh my god, I can't. At about 9 30 p.m. Friday, Richmond police responded to the area upon reports of an Antifa gathering. Officers directed a group of 50 people dressed in black attire to leave due to them trespassing on City of Richmond property, according to RPD captain.

Is that what it was? Al Wally. No. And here's why I know it was. There is no such thing as Antifa. And there's no uniform. They're all dressed in black. Also, the group, which had arrived via party bus.

That's also not how it works. It's a bachelor party. I know. Party bus. A party bus. I love any party bus. I'm going not how it works. It's a bachelor party. I know. A party bus. I love any party bus. I'm going to tell you guys right now. You are the physical manifestation of a party bus. I am a party bus.

You know what? I should just sell my house. Just go off right now. Like everybody else is like buying campers. I should buy just invest in a party bus and take the rest of the next pandemic, just invest in a party bus and take the rest of the, like the next pandemic. I want to take a party.

This is how much I love you. Should want to rent you. Arden. If you were like here, I'm selecting this group of people to go down on party bus and go across the country for this period of time. And I was selected in that group. I would say to my family,

see you later. Are you kidding me? You think you would? Of course you would. You guys, Lisa D, she would get on the fucking party bus. Are you kidding?

Boobie titty. Boobie tiz. Boobie tiz. Boobie tiz. Judith. Judith. Judy. I want anybody.

Didn't we late, late, late night at some crazy Austin. No, it's probably a moon tower. Aaron Foley. Aaron Foley. And you and I.

You guys went to Barbarella. We went to Barbarella. We went to Barbarella. And at two in the morning. And at two in the morning. When Prince died. Arden and I watched a guy hit on Aaron Foley and think that he was going to make. Aaron Foley,

who is gorgeous. Beautiful lesbian. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. And we just sat there. We enjoyed it. and think that he was going to make Aaron Foley, who is gorgeous, beautiful lesbian. And we just sat there and we enjoyed it. It was a show. Well, we all, I think, assumed... I mean, again, we also don't

want to make assumptions about people, but he rolled up and I thought... He was wearing an old newspaper boy hat. Like an old-timey hat, his suspenders on. I mean mean if anyone He was dressed like a lesbian Well that's what I thought

I was like oh it's like a really fun Like go go guy Like that's like Like he's just He knows obviously He knows Aaron's gay And like And then when he was

And then he said to her Do you like to party? She's like Not with you Not with you No it was pretty great I remember watching It was so fun It was after No, it was pretty great. I remember watching it. It was so fun.

It was after 2 a.m. It was so fun. And Jay's like, come with us. And you're like, let's go. And I go, where are you guys going? We're the best time. And I go, Jason, you're going to a club. And Jay looks at me and he goes, I'm hoping we find some food on the way there.

Yeah, that's what I wanted. It was so fun. Are you kidding? I feel like I dance with the Sklars once every 18 months. Dance with the Sklars. Every 18 months. Dance with the Sklars. This is how it works.

Once a year, you dance with the Sklars. And then another time, once a year, you and I ride in a minivan from San Francisco or Oakland Airport for Sketch Fest. It's like we're always in the same transport vehicle. Can we please get back to that? Well, anyway. I party with the Sklars in Austin. I party with the Sklars we're always in the same transport vehicle. Can we please get back to that? Well, anyway, a party bus. I party with the Sclars in Austin. I party with the Sclars. I dance with the Sclars in Austin.

I'll take my party bus and then I'll go meet you at the Oakland airport and we're going to ride back before my party bus. There you go. Let's finish this up. Here we go. Yeah, a group. So then, so they find these people. They put them all back in the party bus. They're not Antifa. They broke up the incident with no incident. According

to the captain, several hours later at one thirty a.m. According to Captain Wally, our BD officers received a report of another gathering and returned to point Malate or Malate. However, I'm wrongly saying it's a flash mom. A group of sixty people

were detained inside a dock building. However, it wasn't for an Antifa gathering. Neither was the other one, but rather, quote, for some type of cult gathering. This is the second meeting at this place in one night. The group was listening to recordings about climate change and Mother Earth while assembled around a how many foot long model of a vagina so these people are in this room listening to recordings about climate change around a large vagina how many was it a goop i want my daughter to go to this okay well arden how how many feet is how many feet long do you think this the vagina

yeah i'm gonna say they're still in like a warehouse? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm going to say 23-foot-long vagina. Okay. I'm going to say it's a 12-foot-long vagina. All right, Jason Sklar? I'm going to say it's the size of Rosie Perez. Didn't she do the vagina monologue?

She did. Five foot two. Five foot two. Okay. Five foot two. They were standing around a four-foot-long vagina. Well done, Jay. Oh, okay.

Rosie Perez size vagina. They were identified, warned for trespassing and escorted out of Point Malate. At this time, it is not known what group or groups are affiliated with the gatherings and no arrests have been made. I support them. It appeared the event was well

organized and the group may have had the props and accessories previously staged. I love people. I love when normal people staged. Yes, but also find themselves in a cult that's happening. Okay. We did that once at a live show. There was like a coffee shop that had a cult gathering in the back. Speak all of your

ills to the giant vagina. Yeah, tell the vagina... Tell all your secrets to the giant vagina. It's like Scientology. It's like vaginatology. Speak it into the chafing dish. It's vaginatology. The incident is still under investigation and detectives will look further into the group's actions, intentions, and possible targets. There's no targets.

If a vagina is at the center of it, it's not going to be dangerous. I'm telling you that right now. Do you remember that group, Elf, that would burn down the Hummer dealerships? Yeah. Yes. Now there's an electric Hummer, though.

There's an electric Hummer. Can't do it. There's an electric Hummer. Okay. But I picture electric Hummer. Can't do it. There's an electric Hummer. Oh, okay. But I picture a group like Elf, but they're mad about the Earth, and now the vagina's going. I'm actually very... This is very funny to me. I love this group. I'm so confused by this.

I'm not, though, because I love them. I'm in support of this group. I love it. I love it. Prior to the past weekend's gatherings, the Point Mollat shoreline located near the Richmond-San Rafael Bridge has been the subject of controversy over plans to develop the city site. Maybe these people just wanted to try and take back the land. Take back the night?

I have no idea. Take back the night. That is story number three. There's a vagina cult going down. That's all right. I'm writing this down because I need to Google this. This is so crazy. It's going down, though nothing's going down on it.

All right. I will say this. Arden Marini. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. We love you so much, and I love your book, Little Miss Little Compton. I want everyone to go out and get it. Please get it.

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