Dumb People Town - Arden Myrin - Scary Clown Donuts
Episode Date: October 23, 2018This week comedian Arden Myrin visits Dumb People Town! In Story 1, we meet a man whose dream job actually involves dreaming... and cats.  Then the group swaps some stories, including Arden's very ...own hometown tale!In the final segment: a new, super-creepy food delivery service.
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Dan and Ran and Jay will share
Tales of folks so unaware
They lack in grace and sometimes choose
The life they choose will make the news
Breaking down each epic fail
In Florida there's half-price bail
I'm happy to say they
Couldn't make this up
So listen to our podcast jam
With co-host Armand Dan
Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan.
Man, don't be a jerk.
Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down.
Stick around.
Make a sound.
Punk or down.
It's Dumb People Town.
Hey, townies.
Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town.
Population to you.
Population.
Mirren.
Arden Mirren. I call her Marine. Marine. Did I do that wrong? I call her Marine. Population new. Population Mirren. Arden Mirren.
I call her Marine.
Marine.
Did I do that wrong?
I call her Marine.
It's Marine.
I'm going to call you Marine.
It is Marine. Jay is going to continue to call you the wrong.
Arden Marine.
Welcome to the show.
Thank you so much.
The sheer fact that two out of three people would actually get it right is a first for me.
Jason doesn't care about you.
I don't care.
I just say Arden.
Yeah.
Jason really doesn't care. We've known you for, Sklarden. We've known you. Jason doesn't like me. I just say Arden. Yeah, Jason really doesn't care.
Well, we've known you for, Sklarden.
We've known you for so long.
I know.
And I think for so long, Jay's been screwing up your last name.
I know.
It's too late to correct it.
He's deep in.
He made a decision and I like it.
I'm living it.
You can't teach an old Mirren new Marines.
I think that's a good one.
Well, look, I've always said I support the war and not the troops.
So obviously I would avoid the Marines.
I know that about you.
I saw that.
I'm down on Marines.
That's your Instagram.
Like, that's how you're described.
He calls it Semper Fi.
Well, Arden, I love that you're here.
Your energy is infectious.
You are one of our favorite people to hang with.
Thank you.
You've been hilarious in all the stuff that you've done.
We're fans of yours as a comedian and as a comedic actor.
Just working, working, working all the time.
All the time.
And for all the good reasons because you're amazing.
And so you're on the show with us.
Thank you.
And listen, we believe that the world is getting dumber.
I know you're out in the world and you see it all the time.
Look, I fucked up your name to start this show.
That shows you how dumb the world is.
It's getting dumber. Jay's getting dumber.
I'm getting dumber.
I'm stripping.
I'm taking off my giant sweater
to show off my best skort
that I wore.
Skort it up.
I wore a B skort.
There's no way
you are going to be able
to get that.
All right, so.
Here we go.
I'm back.
She's back.
She's back.
I wore my B skort.
It's shorts and a skirt.
Yeah, get in there.
So we have to figure out
how to,
we need to be smart
to try and
Beat back the dumb
Beat back the dumb dumb
Fight em
Dan gets great stories sent to us
By our smart
Dumb boots on the ground
Our D-bogs
And they're great
Our fans are incredible
I should rhyme sometimes because people are new
Or they've forgotten that you just tag me at Daniel Van Kirk.
Hashtag dumb people town.
Can I just say what a great job Dan does and how much goes into each show?
Because, you know, we know our guests, a lot of them, very intimately.
And Dan actually curates the stories.
Dan tries to pick stories that fit The guests a little better
So it's more than just like
Hey these are the next three stories up
Dan actually really says
Here are the pool of stories that we have
And there's rules that some people don't seem to adhere to
Yeah if anybody gets hurt
Somebody sent me a story where a dog got shot
I don't like that
Where do you see the humor in this?
I don't like that So you've you see the humor in this? I don't like that.
So you've curated this like
the boutique hotel of
dumb people stories.
For me, this is thrilling. There's a wine happy hour at 5.
I love it. I love a high-end app.
Is it in the library?
You know what city loves a high-end app? Portland.
Everywhere I went in Portland, they go,
you're going to love it. You go up to the 12th floor, we got some
high-end apps apps I was like
Portland
You seem cooler than a high end app
What's your favorite past hors d'oeuvre?
Oh golly
I love
Well it's not really past
I love a Swedish meatball tower
I love
It's about a tower
I love a tower
Is that a sexual act?
I'm going to
He meatball towered me
I like a
As long as you're into it
A tower
You like a
You like a meat?
A lamb.
A skewer?
Not a skewer.
Like a lamb.
With the meat.
With the bone.
Where it's up on the bone.
It's like a lamb rib.
I like a good mushroom cap.
Okay.
But you know what?
I recently had, like in the past couple years...
Stuffed mushroom cap?
Oh, hell yeah.
Okay.
Jam it all in there.
Jam it in.
Oh, yeah.
That's where you take napkin first
And then pile them
Into your napkin
Oh I like that
Tuna tartare on a wonton crisp
We'll see
There was one thing
Where I was at
And it was like a cone
It was like a wonton cone
Yeah yeah yeah
And they had like
Spicy tuna scooped
Into the cone
Stop it
I don't want that
Dan walk right out of here
Right now
I love a slider
I love a slider
This girl can
I don't like when they do
Like a satay
and they also have the dipping sauce there
because what am I?
It should already be doused in it.
You should have just grabbed three,
dipped all three,
and then hold them.
I mean seven.
Dan says satay it ain't so.
Yeah, satay it ain't so.
Satay away from me.
I just picture you like the Freddy Krueger
with satay,
just like meat on each finger,
just dripping and dipping, chasing some hot waitress.
Edward's satay hands.
Just screaming.
There's peanut sauce.
Just dripping down.
Dripping down the bushes.
He tried to kill me.
There's just meat coming.
Arden is meaty.
And I keep meeting people, but I keep meeting people that I'm like elbow bumping.
Like, hey, how are you, man?
Arden's like turned the high end apps into low end apps.
I am a low end app.
I've got a really low brow palette.
You low balled the high end apps, and I don't like it.
When I first met you guys, back in the day when I lived in Zach Galifianakis' closet,
he and I would go to this.
Glad you came out of that closet.
You know what?
It was so hard for me, guys.
It was a big moment. To free. I'm moving now.
To tell your parents you're coming out of Zach Alphanax.
To come out as a young
lady, to come out of Zach Alphanax's
closet. It's hard. But we would
go to that soup plantation.
Did you ever come over in Brentwood
and we would see the celebrity
that we would see was Martin Landau?
Oh, yeah. And just like talk about
the lowbrow, just like we would try to see Landau. Oh, yeah. And just talk about the low brow.
Just like we would try to see
if we could eat
from lunch into dinner.
As close to Landau as possible.
Are we in Landau?
Do you guys like it?
Do you have a low brow palette
like I do?
Oh, yeah.
There's some low brow stuff.
Well, I think that's uniquely
shall we segue into a story
because low brow palette
is a perfect way to get it
because I feel like these stories could tap into our Low brow palette Is a perfect way to get it Because I feel like
These stories
Great
We try to touch
A high brow corner
Of a low brow palette
I mean that's the best
You can hope for
Isn't it?
What do you got?
And that and to die in your sleep
God
Isn't that the dream?
Every gambling
You don't know what happens
That's the dream
That's the dream
You don't know that
Is dying in your sleep
And eating next to Martin Landau Are you guys ready for this? Yes Let's do it That's the dream That's the dream You don't know that Madden is dying And you sleep after
And eat next to Madden
Land out
Are you guys ready for this?
Yes
Let's do it
It's been in by Localman
At C. Mackey
S-E-E-M-A-K-K-I
I like it
Thank you
Thank you Localman
Sends in a lot of good stuff
Thank you
Mahalo
Mahalo
A Wisconsin man
I'm sorry
A man in Wisconsin
So we don't know if it's
He's from Wisconsin Right For all we know A man in Wisconsin. So we don't know if he's from Wisconsin.
A man in Wisconsin
has turned snoozing
into a charitable act.
What?
Terry Lowerman. I wish your name was Terry.
Terry Lowerman.
Terry Sklar.
Terry Lowerman.
Terry Sklar would make me like an amazing
lesbian. Yeah, Terry Sklar. Terry Lowerman Terry Lowlar would make me like an amazing lesbian Yeah Terry Sklar
Terry Lauer
Terry Sklar is like the Mike Lungenbill
Terry Sklar
Is just like getting mad
Puss
Like every Indigo Girls concert
Every Indigo Girls she is the queen
Terry Sklar
She broke my heart
Terry Sklar is batting 689 in her softball league
Terri Sklar
Runs like a mobile
Pet grooming business
And is getting
Lazy
By the way
Our lesbian cousin
Did run
A mobile pet grooming
I felt it
I felt it
I said
I get you guys
For real
She sold mobile
Pet grooming products
I get you guys
I understand you guys
Okay sorry
Go ahead
It's all good.
Okay, Terry.
Terry Lowerman.
It's always great when a Wisconsin last name can be said the same, sober and drunk.
Lowerman.
Lowerman.
Is he slurring his words?
No, that's exactly how it's pronounced.
Lowerman.
Terry Lowerman goes to his local animal shelter in Green Bay every day.
Yep.
And takes naps with its cats.
Oh, my God.
Sometimes in Dumb People Town, nobody's committing a crime.
There's just weird things in our town where you're like,
that's the guy who sleeps with cats.
Is there a photo of Terry?
You bet your ass there.
Let me tell you something.
Luca Brasi sleeps with the kitty.
Terry Lowerman sleeps with the cats.
Terry Lowerman. He took a cat nap. Can we argue with the guy? cats. Harry Lowerman. He took a cat
nap. Can we argue with the guy? He took
a cat nap. He took a cat nap. I love to
nap. I could take a nap.
I would do that. How often do you nap?
If I could, every day. But here's
the thing. I don't, but if I could. Nobody
asked this guy to do this.
Are they like, sir?
He doesn't work there.
How many people on their first day of working at the front desk are like, where are you going, sir?
How does he get that much access to the cats?
I think it's the way it's set up.
It's cat sex.
Cat sex.
Someone walks in.
I just imagine someone coming in and going, we'll take him.
They're ready to adopt him.
What I'm about to say
is probably
just a direct result
of white privilege,
but nine out of ten people
working any front desk
will say,
sir,
two or three times
and then be like,
fuck it.
I would.
Sir,
whatever.
Not worth it.
Not for that one.
You can't lay on that, sir.
Where are you going, sir?
Sir?
Only employees are allowed back there.
But he gets covered in cat hair,
so he fits right in.
It's a dog pillow, sir.
What are you doing?
Well, he goes to
the animal shelter
in Green Bay every day
and takes naps
with his cats,
though that's not
quite his intention.
According to
Elizabeth Feldhausen,
Feldhausen and
what is it,
Leinbrauer?
Lauermann.
Feldhausen and Lauermann is like the Wisconsin version of Rizzoli and Isles.
Feldhauser-Lauerman.
Oh, my name's not Feldhauser-Lauerman.
Feldhauser-Lauerman.
If they got married and they had a hyphenate.
Feldhauser-Lauerman is like the Hamilton Lighthouser of Wisconsin.
Feldhauser-Lauerman is like a bill that's in Congress right now that allows you to sleep with kittens. Oh, yeah. For sure. Look, if we pass this Feldhauser-Lauerman is like a bill that's in Congress right now that allows you to sleep with kittens.
Oh, yeah.
For sure.
Look, if we pass this Feldhauser-Lauerman bill.
I don't think we have the votes to get Feldhauser-Lauerman through.
I'm going to tell you right now.
All of us in this room and everyone listening, next time they are in any major city, can point at any building and tell the person they're with,
you know that was built by Feldhauser-Lauerman and no one will argue with that.
Really?
Yeah.
That's a Feldhauser-Lauerman right there. no one will argue with that. Really? Yeah. That's a Feldhauser-Lauermann right there.
Yeah, they build 80% of the buildings down here.
Yep.
According to Elizabeth Feldhauser,
the founder of Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary...
Not safe anymore with this cat around.
Yeah.
Lauermann strolled into the shelter about six months ago
with a simple dream and a cat brush in tow.
Okay.
He just walked in and started brushing,
Feldhauser told the Huffington Post
on Thursday,
noting that you never,
that he never even asked
to be a volunteer.
Because nobody wanted him there.
By the way,
totally cool if he's walking
into an animal shelter.
Not cool if he's walking into
like an all-girls middle school.
Just to walk in and start brushing.
He's like a walking Amber Alert.
Walking around with any kind of a pet brush.
I'm just brushing.
So eventually we told him
he was an official volunteer
and had him fill out a form.
And that's when
the background check happened.
You guys,
I'm going to show you pictures
and your entire stance
I can't wait.
is going to change.
on Terry Lowerman
I can't wait.
is going to change.
First, I'm going to ask you this.
How old do you think Terry Lowerman is going to change. First, I'm going to ask you this. How old do you think Terry Lowerman is?
63.
63.
Too much fun leaves marks in life.
Living hard, you'll pay the price.
Who is going to get it right?
Guess the age.
Guess the age.
Wow.
Arden, I'll pick Arden.
Arden, you're going to say you're going to go in first, second, or third.
But all right. First, take her third. First, take her third. She went first. 63. 63. Jay, howden Arden Gates. You were going to say you were going to go in first, second, or third, but alright, so
First, take her third. She went first.
63.
You know, I'm a
46-year-old guy. Stop bragging.
I mean...
Put it away, Jay. Slow it down.
Put it away, Jay. I'm going to say this cat
This cat, and I say that
definitely.
My voice is too high for Terry Sklar. How many times has Terry Sklar, lesbian, had someone said. Terry, put it away. My voice is too high for Terry Sklar.
How many times has Terry Sklar, lesbian,
had someone said to her,
put it back in your pants, Terry.
Terry, please, put it back in your pants.
Put it back in your pants.
Terry, we just met.
We just met.
49.
49 from Jason Sklar.
I think he's 38.
38 years old.
I stand behind mine.
63.
Okay, Tony, get your answers in right now.
Yell at your earbuds.
We're not even halfway done with this story.
I mean, maybe half.
I can't wait to find out.
We haven't even gotten to what he looks like.
I can't wait.
By the way, his picture will be on the Facebook page.
Please check it out.
Oh, 100%.
And it'll be on Twitter as well, at Dumb People.
You're looking at the future ex-Mrs. Terry Lowerman.
The future ex-Mrs. Terry Lowerman.
But I love to nap, and I like cats.
Podcast.
I love naps.
How often do you nap?
By the way, Lowerman is ticking all of your boxes.
He might be.
He shoes low.
He delivers.
He goes every day, so he's reliable.
Thank you.
He owns a brush.
He has interests.
That's on my list.
A must-own-a-brush.
Phil Housen said, Lowerman visits the cage-free sanctuary, That's on my list A must own a brush Fieldhouser Fieldhausen
Sorry
Said Lowerman
Visits the cage free sanctuary
Which results in disabled cats
That would be at risk of euthanasia
Or other facilities
I love him
He comes daily
Stays for about three hours
I love him
I love him
I'm in
Here he is
Ready?
Yeah
Because I'm going to tell you
How old is he?
That
I love him
What's his name again?
Terry Lowerman
I love him
I love him what's his name again Terry Lauerman I love him I love him
is
75
ready for the picture
it's gonna
elicit a whole other
set of responses
you ready for one of the
many pictures we have
good thing I wore
my best skort
this is him
in action
I told you
you were gonna love him
I have bad eyes.
He's the Eddie Pepitone.
He is.
He's Eddie Pepitone.
If Eddie Pepitone was out of shape.
More out of shape.
Oh my God, I love him.
Look at how content he is.
Look how happy that cat is.
Of course he's wearing black socks.
Of course he is.
And a sweater.
His hand is on his dick.
I will say.
His hand is.
That's more of a hip set.
I love him so much.
He's got one hand in his pocket. and another one stroking a kitty by him.
After he grooms a cat for a bit, he typically dozes off.
I love it.
Said Fieldhausen, he sleeps for about an hour, then he'll wake up and switch cats.
That's it.
Oh, my God.
Perfect day.
This is my perfect day.
On your pussy.
Oh, no.
Guys, it gets better. Look at Lowerman on another day On you or Buzzy. Oh, no. Guys, it gets better.
Look at Lowerman on another
day. Look at that cat. Oh, my
God, I love him. That cat. He looks like
Mike Ehrmantraut.
I mean, if I can, if I
may break bad here for a minute, he does
look like Ehrmantraut. By the way, this is
the greatest thing ever. I love him.
Why don't more seniors do this?
And I'm telling you right now, the cat is so happy right now.
The cat is spooning it.
What's his name?
Terry is the little spoon to that cat.
He is.
That cat is spooning Terry.
And look at the brush on the floor, which he did not set there.
You know he dropped one.
It fell to the floor.
This is the nicest thing I've ever seen.
I love that.
The brush shot the floor and he was like,
I needed this today, you guys.
I needed this.
I know.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
I can't wait to share this with the town.
I want to fix him up with my mom.
I know.
My mom has a cat named, a kitten named Mittens.
Really?
She's got huge thumbs.
Put those mittens on.
Put them mittens on.
You put them mittens on, girl.
Tell your mom she fit like a glove. Yeah Tell me something about your mom She fit like a glove
Yeah you get over here
She fit like a glove
Your mom fit like a glove
Hey that's my mom
Wait a minute
That's my mother Terry
Terry
Terry
Hey yo that's what I see
I call it like I see
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry
Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry Terry I'm just a girl who wants to meet another girl, all right? Okay, but you've come at my mother so many times.
That is my mother.
I love that he walked in.
She challenged me.
No one knew who he was.
He just started brushing cats, came back every day,
and then does it until he falls asleep,
then the cat falls asleep on him.
It's a great idea.
That's like cat therapy.
Like if we didn't see the guy and we just heard the story.
It'd be creepy.
Okay, so there are some things. Randy and I used to do this bit when we were in college, at
colleges and stuff.
We're like, there are things you can do in college that if you did them 20 years later,
you would be seen as like a social pariah.
Like if you're the kind of person who sleeps for like four days, like then that becomes
like a cool story.
Like in college, like man, it's like Rip Van Winkle.
Man, he just woke up three days later, walked straight to class.
Everyone's like, what? That dude's awesome.
If you sleep for four days and you're like 40,
you're fired from your job. You're depressed.
People, you're depressed. People are like, he has
a disorder. Or if you drink
nonstop, you're like the
guy who everyone wants to party with in college.
If you're 48 and you do that, well, now that's
a drinking problem. I used to socially nap
in college. I used to take naps
with people and then it went awry one time.. I used to socially nap in college. I used to take naps with people.
And then it went awry one time.
But you used to nap with people.
I used to like to nap.
I have a sleep issue.
Like with people who are up for adoption or at risk of euthanasia?
Children are up for adoption.
I wasn't supposed to go into the adoption agency. But you wanted to brush their hair.
But I would go brush their hair to spoon those poor children.
Those orphans, I would just hold them.
How did it go, Ryan?
I got arrested.
No, I would, so I've always been a night owl.
I have like my whole family, I have sleep issues.
So you sleep, so you're up all night and then you're like, I need to nap.
Okay.
Yeah.
So then I would need to nap.
But I was like, I'm social.
I like to be with people.
She wanted to cuddle with someone.
So I would like teach people how to nap. And I would like, I like to spoon. And. I like to be with people. She wanted to cuddle with someone. So I would teach people how to nap.
And I was like, I like to spoon.
So I would nap with people.
And it went around.
One time, I fell asleep with my friend, Lori.
And I woke up, and Lori was this dude.
What?
And he was just watching me sleep.
His name was the rabbi, Mike Rabinovich, the rabbi.
Wait, where'd Lori go?
I don't know.
Class?
And the dude was just in the room watching you sleep?
He was in there.
And then, yeah, that was when it went. And he goes, you're dirty. He was like in there And then Yeah That was when it went
And he goes
You're dirty
I was like
You're fucking creepy
And that's when I stopped
That's when I stopped
By the way
I like was
I was not
You're too trusting
I was not
That's when I stopped
If I nap socially
20 years later
That would
It was creepy then
Creepy now
Do it with cats
And you're in the clear
Thank you guys
Cats or Garrison Keillor
Those are your two options
When was the last time you napped? With Garrison two options. When was the last time you napped?
With Garrison Keillor?
When was the last time I napped?
I'm worried about you.
You know what?
I think I fell asleep.
One night around 2 a.m. for three hours?
I fell asleep.
Yeah.
That's all he's got?
That's all I get in my last month.
Damn life.
No.
I mean, yeah.
Last night I got a great night's sleep.
Look, I can nap if my
kids are doing something that allows me to
lay down near them while they're
watching something.
Again, I want to get back to the idea
that just a stranger walks
in. But I'm saying, so my whole point
was, if this guy was 26 and
had a long beard and long hair
or whatever, I don't think we would feel
as cool with it
as this old guy whose legs are crossed.
Although he is being really nice to the cats.
It's so sweet.
The cats love it.
And if they're disabled cats,
I just like that in Dumb and Dumber,
we have somebody that just sleeps with cats
and goes and hangs out with the cats.
That's a great job.
Apparently, Lowerman really enjoys the unpaid gig a lot,
especially the sprucing aspect of it.
Is he going to get paid?
What, is he going to be a greeter at Walmart and have to deal with Black Friday?
No.
He doesn't have to deal with anything.
He has to deal with the black cat.
He said the brushing is a great experience for him as it is for them.
Of course it is.
Phil Housen said, naturally, the volunteer with a habit of accidentally passing out charmed the staff at Safe Haven,
and the group decided to dedicate a Facebook post to him on Tuesday.
He's the best.
We're so lucky to have a human like Terry, the shelter wrote,
alongside a few photos of Lowerman cat napping with the felines.
Cat napping.
Terry just came along and introduced himself.
He said he'd like to brush the cats.
Eventually, it became every day.
You know these cats are doing as much for him as he's doing.
I love it.
Oh, for sure.
He brushes all the cats and can tell you about all their likes and dislikes.
Of course he can.
Yeah.
This is it.
He also-
He likes a little finger in the butt.
Terry.
Terry.
Terry.
Hey.
Terry.
Oh, Terry.
He also accidentally falls asleep on most days.
We don't mind.
Cats need this.
Terry is a wonderful volunteer.
I fucking love him.
That's story number one, guys.
He's my favorite.
He's great.
Good story number one.
Dan, I love this.
There's nothing weird about it.
He likes to eat from the litter box.
Good.
Why is that?
So we let him do that.
Why is Terry crouching in the corner?
He is now going to the bathroom.
Look, Terry shits in sand.
I don't know why that makes him a bad person.
But the good news is he raked it over. I hope that a townie in the Green Bay area goes to this place,
visits these cats, meets Terry, and curls up next to him.
Lowerman.
Lowerman.
Somebody was taking a shit in all of the golf course holes in my town of Little Compton, Rhode Island.
And it turned out it was like town physician.
What?
We've had stuff like that.
We had a superintendent doing weird poop stuff.
What did they do?
They just went to a rival high school's track meeting.
Track everything.
Yeah, I call that a hole in number two.
Let's go to break.
Let's go to break.
More Art and Marine on
Dumpy. It's Maren. It's Maren right after this.
It's Art and Maren. Terry, Maren.
Stick around.
Make a sound. There's more Dumpy People Town.
Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town.
We've got Arden Marine on the show.
I got it right because I care.
Let's talk about a couple things that you're doing
because we want always working, always doing great stuff.
You have a great podcast about The Bachelor and Bachelorette
called Will You Accept This Rose?
Will You Accept This Rose? I do, I do.
Arden, have you guys covered that in Vietnam,
those two bachelor contestants that fell in love?
No, because we haven't been in,
like we're seasonal.
We're seasonal.
And yeah, I can't,
I want to get my hands on that.
You should record a special episode
of all these people falling,
these two women who fell in love.
And I think they're like getting married or something.
There was a couple that fell in love in Australia,
but they didn't stay together.
But I think these ladies are actually staying together.
And you know that's like real love.
That's not fake TV love.
Because they left the show.
They were like, we got to get out of here.
There's been a few guys on the American version that you watch and like.
You're like, you guys should be together.
They feel like they'd be a really great couple.
Well, you do a friend and you're like their friend in love. Yeah. At the very least. You're like, oh, you guys together. They feel like they'd be a really great couple. Well, you do friend and love.
At the very least.
You're like, oh, you guys at the very least have fallen friend and love.
Which happens.
Which happens.
Yeah, yeah.
Who did you fall hardest for in your life friend and love?
Friend and love.
Oh, that's a good question.
Like, it is fast.
Sometimes it burns hard, fast, and bright, and then it's out.
It does.
I have a few friends and love now.
I got a couple of good dude friends in love.
You're like, man, you're great.
Who is it?
Bradley Cooper.
I love the coop.
The coops.
I call him the coop.
The coops coop.
I'll just go over and nap with him.
Yeah.
I have a good friend, Peter.
Peter Begler.
You know Peter Begler.
Great dude.
Oh, man.
Dude is awesome.
He's just an amazing dude.
He's just smart, cool, couple years older, great beard.
You just love him.
You just love him.
Jason Berger and I fell friend.
I got that.
I get that.
He's a good dude.
A couple of, Chris Sullivan and I fell friend.
Sullivan, do you know Chris Sullivan?
I called him. You guys called it.
I called it.
You had met him before I met him.
No, we met him and hung out with him.
And I was like, you're going to love Dan Van Kirk.
You're just going to love him.
And they loved each other immediately.
I'm like, I know you're both involved in relationships, but you guys might need to be together.
Yes.
Because you are cut of the same cloth.
Yeah, they all eat, again, ticks all the boxes.
I got a neighbor friend of mine who I hang on the cul-de-sac with who I love.
His name is Matt.
He's fantastic, and his son, and we all hang out.
What about you, Ar Arden you know what I recently had like a heart like a
fast almost like one week a lost weekend friends in love with uh I did the Alaska have you guys
ever done that Alaska comedy tour they asked us to do it and we didn't do it I would love to do
it so I've done it twice now it's so fun I love it but I got to do it I've done it twice now. It's so fun. I love it. But I got to do it. I did it alone, but this time I did it with, it was me and Jeff Dye and Bill Dwyer and Chris.
Oh, great crew.
And Chris.
Garcia.
Chris Garcia.
I really, I called him?
No, no, no, no.
I can't.
We just had to, we laughed so fucking hard all weekend in a way that I felt like, it
almost felt like stand by me where I knew it wasn't going to be the same.
Like I knew once we got off that plane in Burbank.
It was special.
Like, I laughed from beginning.
Like, we were almost like children that had to be separated.
I laughed so fucking hard.
Here's my takeaway from that whole story.
Talk to me.
You can fly to Alaska from Burbank?
Yeah.
It's amazing.
You go to Seattle.
You go to Burbank, to Seattle, to Anchorage.
I would do that.
It's a journey.
I love that.
I love that you did that.
But it's not surprising to me because whenever we're with you
at a festival
I have friend and love festival
with you guys
once a year in Austin
we just
didn't we go all
with a bunch of us
like dancing
yeah you guys went to Barbara
we went to Barbara
with Aaron right
wasn't it with Aaron
with Aaron Foley
Aaron Foley who was
and the midget woman
like opened up
I left you guys at the bar
at like 2am
The dwarf woman
Took her top off
To watch a straight guy
Who I thought was gay
Hit on Aaron Foley
Dude it was the best
We just
You and I stood back
And we were like
This is awesome
Aaron Foley
Cause Aaron Foley is
Beautiful and cool as shit
She's beautiful
Great dancer
Great dancer
Super gay
Super gay
Gay as the day is long
Yeah so gay
And we thought she was Slow dancing Gay as the day is long. Yeah, so gay.
And we thought she was slow dancing. Gay as the day is gray.
It was a slow dance.
And we were like, oh, look, it's Aaron.
And this guy who looked so, he had on a fedora.
Paperboy hat.
He had no shirt on and suspenders.
He looked like a backup dancer.
Like a Bruno Mars backup dancer.
That's right.
That's right.
And then he was like, do you party?
To Aaron.
It was basically like, do you want to go take ecstasy and box?
Let's go do this.
And she was like, not with you.
Like, what?
Watching him.
I got to call my wife or my girlfriend.
Terry needs to call.
Terry's flower's not going to like this.
Look, I'm stepping in here.
She's got softball tomorrow morning.
I get friend in love with you guys.
I only hang out with you once a year and it's in Austin.
Because festivals work. Jay Larson and I have a friend in love in Austin guys once I only hang out with you once a year and it's in Austin and then it's like because festivals work
Jay Larson and I
felt friend in love
in Austin as well
it's in Austin
Larson and Sickler
another combo
and like
I love Nick Thune
I have like a crush
on Nick Thune
I just want to like
climb up into his beard
I had a great time
with Nick Thune
at Outside Lands
we did karaoke
really late
and we danced
every time I'm around him
it's the festival love
where you get to go
be a dipshit
in a different city
you know what
we met
you know who we met
and you won't appreciate this
and most of our fans
won't appreciate this
but when we were
at the University of Michigan
we met Dan Deardorff
who was a guy
who played football
for the St. Louis Cardinals
that we grew up with
called Monday Night Football
and he played for Michigan
and he's now
the announcer for Michigan
and he reminded us
so much of our dad that like when I met, I just hugged him.
Like, okay, I haven't met this guy.
And I was like, tell him about St. Louis.
And I like would not get off of him.
I just kept on hugging him, put my hands on him.
I was like, what am I doing?
This poor guy is probably like, what are you doing?
I love it.
All right.
So, I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
Early on in my career, I captured the guy that played Kenny Banya in Seinfeld,
the guy that's like his gold year gold.
And he, I just, I worked, it was like my first job.
What was his show?
Working.
Working, yeah.
Dana Gould, Fred Savage, you.
You were so good in that.
Oh my God, thank you.
And like he, I met him.
Oh my God, thank you.
But I met him and like He was so awful to me
And I loved him right away
And I just chased him
To the craft service table
And I like
Haven't let him go since
Like
Like he insulted me
And I was like
I like you
Is he nice now or no?
No he's
He's always been wonderful
In a way that's like
He's like mean nice
He likes to mess with you
He's like an east coast mean
He's like 60
And he's salty
What was the bit we did
And then we gotta get into
No no
Cause I want to mention quickly
We can make this the second story
No let's remember
If you want
Well I want to mention
The Netflix series
Oh I'm on Insatiable
I play Regina and Claire
On
Regina Sinclair
On Insatiable
Nice
What was the bit
We were doing with you
Somebody was insulting
Like
Oh yeah yeah yeah
It was
It was somebody's gross.
Somebody was trying to say something.
Somebody's gross fence.
He goes, you were funny up there, but I saw you.
And mostly I just wanted to sit on your face.
So gross.
And your response is like as such a like.
You want to tell him to screw you.
But you're such a fragile ego.
And then you're like, oh, my God.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What did you say? Sit on my. Yeah, Thank you. Thank you. What did you say?
Sit on my.
Yeah, thank you.
Did you want to sit on my face?
Wait, what?
This face?
Yeah, what?
Thank you.
Yeah, it was so gross.
Those guys were grody.
I just want to lay down and watch you sleep.
It was gross twins.
It was gross twins that did it.
Who?
You wouldn't know them.
No.
But they were giving male twins a bad name.
Wait, I want to hear more about the physician.
We could make the physician.
Dan, see if you can look up the physician.
I don't think it made it into the paper.
It had to have made it in the paper.
What is it?
Where'd you go?
Little Compton, Rhode Island.
Little Compton, Rhode Island.
There was a crow in my town.
Straight out of Little Compton.
Straight out of Little Compton.
Maybe the doctor was Dr. Dre.
It was Dr. Dre.
You know my physician, Dr. Dre Mont.
Jacobson.
Jacobson.
Dre Mont.
We call him Dr. Dre.
How long ago was this?
It was a while ago.
And there was also a thing where somebody was stealing all the mail.
It was like in the town.
And then they found out that somebody had a pet crow named Poe that was flying around
the mailboxes, opening the mailboxes
and stealing the mail.
And so Poe the Crow
got put on house arrest.
How about put it to sleep?
How did you hear
about the physician pooping in there?
Everybody knows.
It's a small town.
It's 3,000 people.
Everybody knows everything.
But it never made it
into a newspaper.
No, no.
It was just like
the hot goss around town.
The hot something around town.
It was hot.
It was hot when he laid it down.
I mean, you'd be surprised
if you type into Google
man poops in golf course
in Rhode Island.
Really?
They remove Rhode Island
and then you just get
all these stories
from all over the country.
Man poops in golf holes.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's literally
what it is.
Pick one of them, Dan.
Pick one of them.
Pick one.
Pick one and we'll just do it
as the ones that...
It'll be a pick and pop.
It'll be a pick and pop
because we got...
There is something about, that is like, because you trust.
Like when you go and you hit something in the hole, you trust that you can go down into it.
And you'll be fine.
That's like breaking the social contract.
Who discovered it?
You're right.
Breaking the social contract.
And when does he go?
Like he would have to do it at night.
I think he did it at night.
Yeah.
I'm going to guess he was with a friend giggling.
You don't do that alone.
Or there's like a fetish in it where he gets really excited about that moment where he could get caught.
Apparently he had like a fender bender with somebody and he didn't want to go through insurance.
And he popped his trunk and he just offered the person like a trunk full of Viagra.
And was like, what do you want?
This guy? this physician?
Yes.
Is this the physician that killed Michael Jackson?
Yeah.
He was a little competent.
Propofol.
So wait, so he had a fender bender with somebody?
Yeah, and was like basically like, you know what?
Sorry.
Let's not go through insurance.
Wait, Jay, Jay, didn't we, we had a friend who,
we have a friend and I'm not going to name his name because I don't want to get him in trouble, but he, he went, we went to
college with him and he was friends with or knew the Menendez brothers.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When they were.
Tell me everything.
Tell me everything.
Before they aced their, iced their parents.
Right.
Aced.
Aced.
Aced.
Aced.
See, this guy aced one into the golf club.
They came out to LA when he was living out here and they were like, and they
opened their trunk and there were like guns and money and like a briefcase full of money.
And he was like, what?
He's like, I don't know if I can continue being friends with you guys.
Wow.
And that's in Beverly Hills too, like.
Whoa.
But I think they were from Philly, the Menendez boys.
Then Miami, right?
Maybe. Were they? Oh, they came out here to live withendez boys They're from Miami, right? Maybe
Were they?
Oh, they came out here to live with their uncle in Bel Air
Oh, yeah
No, that's the Fresh Prince
Oh
Oh, yeah, that was the Fresh Prince
That was a good try, but
I love that the mom, they just switched the mom
Didn't acknowledge it
Just one season is one lady
The next season is a new mom
I know
They opened up that season with the butler
Was it Jeffrey just looking at her for a long time?
It's a huge laugh from the audience when they switched her.
That's funny.
That's how you do it.
Yeah.
She had that new mom smell.
I love that new mom smell.
What do you want to do?
That's a good segment.
We'll bounce back and we'll do another one on the other side.
I have a really fun thing lined up for us.
Can you give a little tease?
You can give a bad gift to people for the Halloween season.
There we go.
It's Halloween season.
It's ready to go.
Here we go.
When we come back, take a little nap with a cat if you want.
We got one more segment of Dumb People Town.
Arden Marine.
Arden Marine.
We'll be right back.
Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT Dumb People Town.
Hey, guys.
Welcome back to DPT Dumb People Town.
We always like to remind people where they can come see us.
This Friday or?
Yeah, this Friday.
This Thursday. This Thursday we'll be at the Pop-Up Podcast Studio right across from Stand Up Live in Phoenix.
And just, we just figured this out.
He called me last night to confirm. Burt Kreischer.
I love him.
Shirtless, Burtless.
We might have to all take our shirts off.
Do it.
He is amazing and he's been on this podcast before
so he knows how it works. Please come. It's at the
Pop-Up Podcast Studio right next to the M5.
Tickets now. He's so funny.
So that's Thursday night at 7.15
and then Friday night at 8,
Jay and I are-
7.30.
7.30.
We're headlining the Tempe Improv,
which I love.
That's a great club.
And then later that night-
It's a gigantic club.
We need to sell more tickets.
Doing the goddamn comedy jam.
Yeah, we do need to sell more tickets,
so please come and Tempe Improv.
It's that balcony.
Yeah.
I think what happened, though,
last time when we were there,
we had very few tickets sold,
and then they just, like, fill it.
They know how to fill it.
They do.
So it should be really fun.
Go see the Squires.
They're the best.
And then we'll be in Austin.
Yay.
At Cap City,
the November 7th through the 10th.
And Dan has a bunch of dates
he's on tour.
Yeah, I'm on tour.
Go to danielvankirk.com.
I'll be in Seattle,
Portland, Eugene,
Washington,
San Francisco,
San Diego,
Phoenix,
and LA
all in the first 14 days
of November.
Jeepers.
Go to danielvankirk.com
and you can come join me on the together tour.
And we are really trying to sort of firm up
our spring dates and whatnot.
We have a little bit in March
that we're trying to work on and figure out.
And a lot of people have asked us,
do you ever come to Boston?
Have you ever come to the East Coast?
I would love to do a live Dumb People Town in Boston
at some point, maybe at the Wilbur Theater
and maybe come back to the Bell House where we had great shows.
So guys, just know that we're
trying to figure that out as we do what we do.
We want to come hang with you.
Let's do it.
Sent in by Joe Luttrell at the Gentleman Joe.
Joe, thanks for sending this in.
Oh, by the way, what we should do right now
is thank our Drip members.
Oh yeah, let's do that.
So let's read some Drip names for all the people who joined the Drip,
and let's do that real quickly.
Heck, yeah.
The Drip, we can just tell you,
d.rip slash dpt.
It's a great way for you to support this podcast
and get extra content and get extra stuff,
possibly depending on the level that you do.
Come to see us live.
Hang out with us.
Co-host the show with us.
Co-host the show.
There are so many levels that you can do
and be a part of it,
and we appreciate everybody who has given.
People like Bart Janiches.
Janiches.
Janiches.
Janiches.
Janiches.
I don't know, man.
Bart, thank you.
I just know I'm thankful.
Howard Cummins.
Not Cummings.
Cummins.
Sounds like a Dickens character.
It does.
Guess who's Cummins to dinner?
I'll tell you who's Cummins to dinner.
Howard.
Nathan Plunkett.
Great football player.
One of my favorite. One of the best Oakland Raiders of all. Howard. Nathan Plunkett. Great football player. One of the best Oakland Raiders of all time.
If Nathan Plunkett was a football player, he would wear the helmet with just one bar going across.
Rob Casey.
Great golfer.
Rob Casey.
British golfer.
Good guy to hang out with at a bar.
Are you ready for this next name?
I can't wait for this.
Go for it.
Kristen Rometti Pike.
I like that.
To me, sounds like an Olympian.
Or the type of fish you order.
How's the Kristen Rometti Pike? Is it good today? Fresh. They just got it. They just got it. Joe Gardner. Joe like that. Sounds like an Olympian. Or the type of fish you order. How's the Christian Rometti pike? Is it good
today? Fresh. They just got it.
They just got it. Joe Gardner.
He's constantly gardening.
Eric James Hiltner.
EJH sends in a lot of stuff.
Hey man, we're part of the Hiltner
Honors Program. I want you to know,
I'm very happy that the L is coming before
the T and that the N is in there.
Exactly. Hiltner.
Hiltner.
Sarah Holmberg.
What's up, Holmberg?
What's up, homegirl?
She's our homie.
Joel Harper.
Joel Harper.
Don't want to harp on him too much, but thank you.
Randy.
Cheryl Lee Martindale Roberts.
Oh, my God.
That is a name you yell.
Cheryl Lee.
Cheryl Lee.
Get out here.
Cheryl Lee Martindale Roberts.
We want to thank you.
She has never been able to take a standardized test with her whole name on it.
Never.
Lenore Hare.
Yes.
Thank you.
Like an old act.
Where?
Hare.
Hare today, gone tomorrow.
Michelle Cucuzza.
Michelle Cucuzza.
Cucuzza.
She's going to drop the Cucuzza on you.
Ted Evans.
Ted Evans.
That's a good sausage.
Eddie Speedy Ortiz.
That does not say Speedy.
All right, fine.
Eddie Ortiz.
Eddie Ortiz is the type of guy
who shows up at the party
and everyone's like,
hey!
Hey!
Eddie!
Tara Hodgson.
Tara Hodgson.
The Joel Hodgson of our...
Yes.
Gwenna.
I love this name.
Le Breton.
Sounds like an old 1940s
French actress. Gwenna Le Breton. Sounds like an old 1940s French actress.
Gwenna La Breton.
That's what I thought about Lenore here.
She always shows up no matter where you are in a full gown.
And John Baran.
John Baran.
Is it John Baran?
I think it's John Baran.
I want to go with John Baran.
Either way, all of these people sent in.
I really, really appreciate it.
They are supporting the show through the drip.
If you have not heard your name, it's coming. Special shout out
to Ted Evans and Howard Cummins
by the way because they are pillars of the community
in our trip. Oh yeah dudes. And I really
really really thank them for that. We really appreciate it. I hope they come to
a meet and greet. I hope so too. I hope we get to meet
and get a chance to talk to you guys. D.rip
slash DPT. That is how
we do. Thanks everybody. Thank you guys.
Appreciate that. Ta-da!
Thank you. Alright.
This is perfect for the Halloween season.
You've got a limited time. If you're listening to this,
if you're up to date,
you will get this in time to be able to do this
to someone you love or don't love.
You don't really know how much you love donuts
until you're faced with the decision of whether
or not it's worth it to snatch one
from the hands of a skeleton.
Of a baby. No. Of a child. the hands of a skeleton. Of a baby.
No. Of a child.
Of a what?
Baby.
Of a baby skeleton.
Baby.
Baby.
Of a make-a-wish kid?
What?
Nope.
From the hands of a scary clown.
No.
And not scary in the way that it's your garden variety birthday clown is scary.
We're talking full-on It style smeared face paint and pointy fangs.
Oh.
Yes. Are you sure that wasn't just Courtney Love? This is totally. We're talking full-on It style smeared face paint and pointy fangs. Oh.
Yes.
Are you sure that wasn't just Courtney Love?
This is totally.
I saw her.
Did you really see Courtney Love?
I saw her.
I got invited to Marilyn Manson's birthday party.
I brought Lisa Delarios.
Delarios.
And we went and we were like.
Great female comic.
Oh, my God.
Great comic.
And we, it was like. Why did I say great female comic?
She's a great comic.
You know what? We're all catching up. I used to do it too.
I used to do it. We all
I did it too. She's great.
So we went to Maryland as a birthday party
and we were like, because I did a movie with him
and he likes comedy but we're like
so we just went out of curiosity
and we're like
so we just sat down and we
it was pretty crowded, but we happened
to sit down and like he'd had an accident on a stage and so he had like crutches.
And so he happened.
I remember that.
So he happened.
I think he fell down on top of it.
It was bad.
Like his femur was broken.
So he, he wasn't that mobile.
So he happened to like, have to like take a seat and he just happened to take the seat
right next to me and Lisa.
So we, we just, I had to go to the bathroom so badly, but we just didn't move.
And it was like, just, it was a steady stream.
They're like, hey, can you move over for JD?
We're like, we looked, it was like Johnny Depp and the Courtney Love.
And then it was Elvis's daughter and the entire band of Smashing Pumpkins.
What?
Where was his house?
No, I've been to his house.
I went to a birthday party.
His house is right near Kathy Griffin's house.
Is it?
Yeah.
It was at his like record producer's house
Like in the valley
And
And then
Translation porn set
It was like
And then Joe Perry
From Aerosmith
Yeah
It was
I watched him give him like
Like a switchblade
It was so exciting
What?
Or like a knife
Not maybe not a switch
It was so exciting
Oh and then I was dressed in like
This velvet dress
That had like a little collar.
And he goes, oh, you look like you have this style of Courtney Love, like from the 90s.
And then he met, he introduced me to like some famous actress or something.
And she thought that he said I was Courtney Love's stylist.
So all night people would go, who do you think I'm wearing?
I mean, you're a stylist.
I would just have to like
guess like I don't like
every answer I'd be like
Target
yeah exactly
I'm like I'm wearing
I'm wearing Zara
like I don't know
Zara
anyway it was so exciting
everybody thought I was
Courtney Love's stylist
I love it
what if I was
that would be so happy
so our friend
our friend was
so our friend was on
our friends were on a plane
with Marilyn Manson
and like he sat down next to them and them, and he got really drunk and was just crazy.
And then he called them a bunch.
And he was hitting on them.
Trying to get them to hang out.
Were they two girls?
No, two dudes.
Two dudes.
Maybe he fell in friend love.
Maybe he fell in friend love.
He's fun, though.
He's a rascal.
You just have to hang out with him, like, earlier in the evening.
Well.
Before he breaks his femur.
All right.
Back to this.
This is a definite business model that would exist in dumb people's towns.
Stealing a donut.
No, no, no.
They're just saying, would you take it?
I love a donut.
How bad do you want a donut?
Would you be willing to take it from a scary clown?
Yeah, that does the donuts.
I love donuts.
Because Hertz Donut, a mini chain with locations
throughout the Midwest
and the South.
They're the Avis
of donut.
You'll find
the most outputs
for this place,
outposts for this place
in Missouri.
Okay.
It's added again
with their scary
clown deliveries.
A service
originally introduced
last Halloween.
From now
through the end
of the month,
you can have
a terrifying
Pennywise-esque clown,
red balloons and all,
bring a dozen donuts to your friend's or enemy's doorstep.
I want to send this.
That's a great idea.
I want to send one so badly to you.
That's great to have a clown.
And by the way.
Send in the clown.
Send in the clown.
And don't tell them who it's from.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just maybe a note.
It's like, don't just look over your shoulder.
It says, want to scare the shit out of,
or no, they say, want to scare the shish sprinkles out of your friends.
One location in Caddy, Texas wrote on Facebook, scary clown deliveries.
The service costs, how much do you guys think it costs?
To send a scary clown with a donut.
Does it include the donut?
Yes.
It does not.
The donuts are $2.99.
It's the service cost of fee plus the cost of said box of donuts.
So just the service.
What's the fee?
So you're only guessing on that.
They got to come out.
That gets fully dressed up.
$19.99.
Okay.
That's a good guess.
That's way too low, Jay.
I could show you guys what the cost is.
$49.
I'd like to see.
Before or after you leave?
I'm going to stick with it.
$79.99.
$49. I'm going to see. I'm going to see with it $79.99 I'm going to see
Arden, what do you say?
$19.99
$49
$79.99
$79 from Randy
$49 from Jason
The amount it would cost you
To send a scary clown
To your friend for Halloween
Dressed up like Pennywise
With a box of donuts
Is
$5
Arden Why does she keep winning? wise with a box of donuts is $5.
Why does she keep winning?
I love games. You need to know that about me. And you're good at them.
I'm good at games.
I'm not a sports good at games.
You can see the screen cap here.
You know what I wish I could send?
A fudgy the whale.
How much would you pay to send a fudgy the whale?
That's from Carvel.
Carvel.
Ice cream cake.
Who is it?
Lou Carvel?
What was his name?
Carvel.
But his name is like, hey, this is Lou Carvel of Carvel's Cakes.
You have cookie points, Fudgy the Whale.
Cookie points.
Well, here's how it works.
Basically, the clown will slowly advance towards your unsuspecting bud-slashing nemesis. And without speaking or breaking an eye, keep eye contact with them.
He will then honk his clown horn with increasing intensity until they finally take the box of donuts.
God, this is awful.
It looks like a real bad time is what they wrote here.
It is a real bad time.
But one that ends in enjoyment and delicious donuts.
I want to send that to Lisa Delirious.
Some sample flavors from Hertz Donuts include Fruity Pebbles, Cotton Candy, and Samoa.
I love Samoa.
I will fuck up.
That's the greatest Girl Scout cookie.
Not as good as the frozen Thin Mints.
Stop.
No, I'm with you.
I'm a full Samoa.
I used to do Thin Mints.
Both of you, get out of here.
You get out.
You get out.
You get out.
Get in the freezer.
You get the freak out. I'm sending you a clown donut. It's probably like fudge stripes. You get out. You get out. Get in the freezer. You get the freak out.
I'm sending you a clown donut.
It's probably like fudge stripes.
I have to hide in the freezer.
Get in the freezer.
Do you like fudge stripes from Keebler?
Yes.
I'm not a monster.
No, you're not.
What do I look like, a monster?
You do, but I don't think you are.
Although I will say the working conditions in the tree were left a little to be desired.
To arrange?
17-hour work days of those elves?
Not cool.
A clown girl.
They were making
Nikes in there, too.
Check your nearest
Hertz Donut Facebook page
to see if they're
offering the service.
Then call to set up
a time and a place,
and if you're still
looking for a reason
to send one
and having trouble
drudging up old grudges,
the Chain's Frisco,
Texas outpost
has some ideas.
Oh, please.
So Steve ate your yogurt.
This is the perfect thing
to send to an ex-wife,
ex-husband,
ex-boyfriend,
ex-girlfriend.
This is what I love.
Frisco started listening
people you should send this to.
Okay, I can't wait.
Who do they got?
Quote,
so Steve ate your yogurt
with his bathrobe open.
Send him a scary clown delivery,
it says on Frisco's Facebook page.
All right.
Brandon thought
his acoustic guitar work
in case any girls wanted to see what's inside of his soul,
was a good idea.
Send him a scary clown.
That I agree with.
That's fair.
Or just wait until Valentine's Day.
That's when Hertz rolls out its Cupid delivery,
featuring a grown man wearing a diaper and feathered wings
while doing an interpretive dance.
I'd rather have the clown.
I'd rather have the clown.
That's scarier to me.
I'd rather have the clown. Bert'd rather have the clown. That's scarier to me. I'd rather have the clown.
Bert Kreischer.
I'm just saying,
Bert Kreischer.
Because you know who's going to show up
is Terry Longbauer.
Hey.
Terry.
Lowerman.
Lowerman.
He's going to give you a donut
and then fall asleep with your cat.
Exactly.
Oh, my God.
I want to send that to people.
I love that.
I know.
I love that.
So, I mean,
this is dropping before Halloween.
You have time to send us scary.
Guys, if you are in Missouri.
We have moved to Missouri.
Why do we live in Missouri?
We are from Missouri.
Are you Dunkin' Donuts people?
I like Dunkin'.
What?
I like a Dunkin' Donut.
Well, I thought I liked it for a long time.
Until you went to Trejo's Donuts.
Trejo's Donuts.
I might drive there today.
Is it a cake donut?
That's all I like is a cake donut.
The little tinier, like more dense ones?
Yes, yeah, yeah.
Yes, they have those.
What's your donut of choice and why was it so good?
I'm going to love a donut.
Trejo's Donuts.
We were on set for Those Who Can't, that show,
and they had a pink box of donuts with Danny Trejo's face on it.
Love it.
And I opened it up and I was like, what's this?
And then I ate it and I'm like, that's the greatest thing I've ever eaten in my life.
What flavor?
It's called an old fashioned
And they have maple old fashioned
Regular old fashioned
With buttermilk topping
Or oh my
Dan is like
Dan
Yeah yeah yeah
It's
Do you know how like
When you scratch like a doggy
And then the leg
Arden's leg just started going
Like
Just started going
I hope
I'm gonna take you
I'm taking you To Trejo's Donuts.
Honestly, I got to fit in my pants.
This could be a problem.
You ain't fitting in pants after Trejo's Donuts.
I am like a big old school apple fritter guy.
You get there, it's just the most fried, worst thing for you.
I like jelly.
Jelly donuts?
I like jelly.
I'm a Boston cream guy.
And I will say that Randy and I went to Blue Star Donuts in Portland,
which was great.
We got there too late.
They were really big.
They always have those at, or they used to have them at Bridgetown.
They have them in Venice, too.
Yeah, they had them out, but you just say to you.
There's one here in LA.
You don't want to get there late.
If you get there at 11, then they're just like, they have in the display case all the
donuts that they've run out of.
Aw.
Want one of these?
The ones that Terry would spoon and comb their hair.
They're like, well, they do have like-
The leftovers.
What's left? We're like, what do you have? And they're like, well, they do have leftovers. What's left?
We're like, what do you have?
And they're like, well, we got this matcha and baby hair.
I don't want baby hair.
That doesn't sound like a good cut baby hair.
What the hell is matcha?
What is matcha?
It's like a green tea.
We've got extract.
I don't want that.
We've got mochi and grass cuttings.
Guess what I want?
Peanut butter.
Yeah.
I love peanut butter.
I just want a standard cake, donut, chocolate frosting.
Maybe throw some coconut or some peanuts on there. I'm not mad at you with that. Dan, I'm taking you to Trejo's. Yeah. I love peanut butter. I just like a standard cake, donut, chocolate frosting. Maybe throw some coconut or some peanuts on there.
I'm not mad at you with that.
Dan, I'm taking you to Trejo's.
Yeah, I'm down.
Let's go.
I'm down.
Done.
All right, dudes.
That's it.
I respect all of you.
Thanks.
I respect you, Arden.
This is how we do.
Arden Marine.
Definitely check out Insatiable.
Insatiable.
Very marine, Arden.
And will you accept this rose?
And will you accept this rose?
And I do tour.
I don't care.
You do tour.
Where can people catch your dates and stuff?
It's at my website.
It looks like Arden Mirren.
A-R-D-E-N-M-Y-R-I-N.com.
Arden Marine.
I have some dates
in the new year
coming up.
Go see her.
She's so fun.
I think Janine and I
are going to do a,
we're doing a show at,
we're doing Sketch Fest,
I believe.
Oh, are we doing Sketch Fest?
We may be. We may be.
We may be.
Great.
Okay.
You're welcome to do that.
Hey.
Love you,
love hanging out with you, girl.
Oh my God, I missed you guys.
So happy to hear from you.
This is wonderful,
and oh shit,
we've got to get back to work.
Dum, dum, dum, dum.
Dum, dum, dum, dum.
Dum, dum, dum, dum.
Dum, dum, dum, dum.
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