Dumb People Town - Barry Rothbart - Got a Lot of Lint in Him

Episode Date: January 26, 2018

Time for another DPT minisode! This week the Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Barry Rothbart (Downward Dog, Get High & Save the World podcast)! In this week’s story, a man is rescued after stealing a swan boat and marooning himself on a f...

Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound All you're down is Dumb People Town

Hey townies, welcome to a little mini-sode of Dumb People Town Population you? Population Rothbart Yes Hey guys Of the berry variety Hi Welcome to Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Rothbart. Yes. Hey, guys. Of the berry variety. Hi.

Welcome to Dumb People Town. Is this how I sound normally? Yep. All the time. Am I altering? A lot of people talk about it. Do you think you're on NPR? I don't know what you're doing.

Hi. Can you please? Hi. I'm Barry Rothbart. I'm Diane Rehm. Remember? I love Diane Rehm. That's the worst one to do.

Diane Rehm. Yeah. I just like all the, like, I'm Audi Cornish. What the fuck is that? I'm Snake Paprikash. What? Is that something I pour on my meat? Snake Paprikash.

Is it snake or sneak? I think it's Snake Paprikash. Is Audi Cornish a real, like, I've heard her name. That is the best way to prepare a hen. Is she real? I've heard her name. That is the best way to prepare a hen. Is she real? That's when you put a full hen in the engine

of an Audi A4 and it comes out fully crisp. That's an Audi Cornish. Hey guys, we don't have much time here because this is a little snack that we serve you as you get to your next dumb people town and we love that we're starting to do this and we're

having on people that we love, comedians that we know and love. Someone who has a new podcast on this network. And you guys love me. We love you. I love you as a comedian. I'm thinking back to a set that you did at the Josh and Josh show where we were in the back

and I just laughed my ass off. I'm like, this guy is hilarious. That was actually, you happened to see me on a really good night. You were amazing. I'm usually not that good. Okay, fine. Well, I'm glad you're here with us because we all believe that the world is getting dumber,

Barry, as we sit here. I absolutely believe that. Okay. I've seen evidence. Let me refine that. I mean, because I know we got into a debate with Todd Glass about it and people were mad at Todd Glass. We're right.

No, we're right. Todd's dumb because he does it. No, Todd's smart. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But what I do think is dumb and smart are now fighting with each other in a way that... In a death lock. That it never has before, and dumb is winning.

Definitely louder. Yeah. I mean, when the woman who's like the Department of Homeland... It's under a call, bro. Did anyone see Orrin Hatch take off glasses that weren't there? That's my favorite thing. I've never seen anything like that. Orrin Hatch in Hatch take off glasses? That's my favorite thing. I've never seen anything like that. Orrin Hatch in a meeting took off glasses that he wasn't even wearing.

The only thing better than him doing that was all of my friends tweeting about it in a row. I tweeted about it. What's the best part about it? The best part is like everyone's done that. Everyone's been like, oh, maybe I have glasses on. But no one has the space work that he had. It was like an improv tradeoff. No, he's on a Herald team now.

His object training was perfect. He's on a Herald team. He fully took off glasses that didn't exist. It wasn't like he touched his face. It was like, oh, you're a bastard. Oh, shoot, I don't know. No, he did it so well that it made me think that he did take them off, and he folded them, I think.

I know. He talked with them. He doubled down and started talking with them. He moved them to the chest. And then put them back on. And then put them on an imaginary string around his neck. Then put them up on top of the crown of his head and looked for them for a while. And he did

the real gun. The improv gun. He didn't do like the... Took over the scene. Really took over the scene. And when he talked on a phone he didn't put a finger up to his mouth. He actually held an iPhone. I was going to do that one. He shaped an iPhone. Greatest joke in the history of The Office, when Michael keeps pulling out a gun in the improv scene,

and then they're like, you cannot use a gun in this scene. He goes, okay, fine, fine, fine. They start the next scene. They're going, he walks up to somebody. And they're like, hold on. What did he just whisper to you? He told me he had a gun. Oh, my God.

Hilarious. All right, well, the world is getting dumber, and I want to jump into a story because it was sent to us by our lovely dumb ears on the ground. It was. Look, Dan knows the story on a cursory level. Yeah. Barry hasn't seen it. I haven't seen it.

Jay hasn't seen it. I'm not. Let's get into it. I usually go headline, how's the photo, and then I read it with you. Yeah. This was sent in by Optimal Illusion. Optimal Tax Relief. Optimal Illusion. Optimal. Relief. Optimal Illusion.

Is that the best illusion you can get? Optical Optimal Illusion. Optimal Illusion is the Twitter handle. Optimal Prime is the Instagram account. Sure. Optimal Illusion is the name of a lens store. That isn't real. That isn't real.

Optimal. That's a fake eye doctor. The handle is at MRC underscore SPS. I have no clue. That's some code. I always think when people have handles like that, they got on Twitter to do something other than be themselves. Russian troll.

Yeah. For sure. Or maybe it was a burner account and then they ended up taking it over for real life. I like this one better. Yeah. Do drug dealers have burner accounts? Like that's how they... Have to. Have to. When they're done with their account, they just rip their

Twitter in half and throw it in a drawer. The Orlando Police Department says, I like that, that even in Orlando, they're like, this is what the cops say. We don't trust it. This is what they say. They don't have evidence. They're just making a lot of false claims. I'm just telling you what they said

and that you trust them as much as you want because we're still in Orlando. The police said this. I'm just going to say this about Orlando. I flew from, before we get into this, I flew from Fort Myers back to Los Angeles with my whole family a few days after. That's my favorite flight, I just back to Los Angeles with my whole family. That's my favorite flight, I just want to say.

With Randy's family. When Barry left with Randy's family. Okay, so we had to connect in Orlando, and the Orlando airport was doing construction, so they made us, I've never had this happen in my life, where you land from another airport, and then we had to go out of security

and go back through security again. Why? They do that in Chicago, too. Southwest does that for their international flights. I was like, you got to go back out. Is there any way you can inconvenience me more? Yeah. So I come back out.

Do I have to get new seats now from the plane? I'm not saying there were like a hundred people in line when we came out of there. I came out with my kids, and it was, I'm not joking, like thousands of people. And it seemed like everybody was trying to get something on the plane that shouldn't have been there. It was like just like a family with like one person who didn't have a ticket. And like three people trying to get an alligator on the plane. It was like, I'm like, what the fuck is happening in Orlando? I feel like that about CVS sometimes.

You go into like a Rite Aid or a CVS and there's always an old lady paying with change. And like paying with change. Why is she paying with change and having a complaint about something? Showing a receipt. Probably because she couldn't find the sliced cheese. Yeah. Or a paper clip. Anyway, so.

That's crazy, man. The Orlando police said. They said, a man was rescued last night after he stole a swan boat at Lake Eola and then marooned himself on the fountain. Wait, what? Lake Eola is. It's like a tourist lake. Okay. It's not real.

So our dad, when we were younger, used to love fishing. Here's a picture of the lake and the swan boat for everybody. I love that they say the fountain as if we can all picture that. It's a beautiful fountain. It's a gorgeous fountain in the middle of a lake. That's definitely... And then a swan boat. So this guy stole a swan boat.

A swan boat is like a paddle boat in the shape of a swan. But our dad would take us fishing. When we were kids, when he wanted to just get a quick fish in, we would drive by and see a lake and he'd be like, hang on, I just want to drop a line in. And there were times he would go into man-made lakes in corporate office parks that he knew had stocks. There were times I'm like, I don't think we can.

There's a fountain in the middle of this lake, like with a sculpture in it. I don't think we can fish in this. It's like at the bank. Your dad would take swan boats to do this? Yes! That's crazy. Why are we fishing at the bank?

This is weird. My dad was killed by a swan boat. No. He was run over by it. This is a true story. Marooned by a swan boat? So this guy stole a swan boat. Fine.

This was his swan song. At Sklar. If you want any anger, send it his way. Yeah, he stole a swan boat and then marooned himself. To me, I want to know what happened right before this. What is marooning? It's when you get stuck somewhere? Kind of beached on it?

Beached on a thing. No, it's when you host The Voice. There you are. I don't know why that made me laugh so much. It absolutely should have. It absolutely should have. But I want to know what happened right before this because no one

is like, I got a few hours. But I wonder if he feels like he's stuck hosting The Voice like he's like, I landed in this job and I can't get out of here. That's how he told it to police. For five years. That's how he expressed himself.

No. But you know that he probably had just gotten kicked out of a bar. Yep. And he's like, what am I going to do now? Tell me I can't have fun tonight. Yeah. It was a joyride. It wasn't like he was trying to, what if he was trying to commit a crime?

And that was his getaway. That's his getaway. Gonna tell me is the way he starts his day. What is joyrides? When people steal cars for joyrides, what are they doing? They're just taking it

and driving as fast as they can for fun. Just for like, oh man, this would be really fun. I'm gonna steal a car. I think back when it was like novel

to have a car, people would steal them for joyrides. I think what we know from this already is when you get drunk during the day, you have more options

for mischief. Sure. Like a swan boat isn't an option if you're drunk at 3 in the morning. You're not seeing that. Let me ask you guys this. If you find the boat on the water, take it out on the water, with which it was already on,

and leave it out there, or even just leave it anywhere in the water, did you steal it? Yes, you did. Well, it's part of the water, you're saying. You're not taking it home. It didn't steal it. Yes. You did. You didn't steal it. Well, it's part of the water, you're saying. You're not taking it home. It didn't leave the lake. It didn't leave the lake.

Let me ask you this. That's what I say up at the cabin, guys. Nothing leaves the lake. Fine, but let me say this, okay? If you had a very large circular driveway at your house, okay, and you parked the car at one end, and someone came to your house, broke into your car, and drove it to the other. Well, they drove it to the other. Well, they drove it to the other. Okay, you left it open.

Sure. And they drove it to the other end of the driveway. Is that stealing? I don't know. Yeah, 100%. You think so? Are you sure? Of course I am.

You're so sure. It's a joyride. You took a joyride. You took a joyride. It doesn't matter how long it is. You did something you weren't supposed to do. Yeah, you moved. You took my thing.

You moved my property. I think it might just be trespass. Well, I know for a fact. You moved my property. You did not you weren't supposed to do. Yeah, you moved my thing. You moved my property. I think it might just be trespass. Well, I know for a fact. You moved my property. You did not steal it. If the person was drunk, you can get a DUI on a swan. Oh, for sure. Live and boat.

Yeah. You're trying to ride a regular swan while drunk. They'll really ring you up for that. Was it part of like a swan boat company? Or was this someone's swan boat? They have swan boats at Lake Eola. Okay. Centered around the fountain.

I like that this was not a part of a swan boat company, that this was just a guy. No, no, it's Lynn Swans. Oh, jeez. Are you going for the record, Jason? At Sklar Brothers. Wait, how many, okay, so let me just say this about the swan boats. Okay. How many, both husbands and wives, spouses have said to their other spouse, hey, you want to go take that swan boat out?

And just the sigh that comes from the other. Yeah, I mean, if you want to, if you want to. Maybe he was trying to find his inner romance. He was trying to love himself again. I like the idea that this guy was just going to try and get home with it, and he just couldn't find his way out of the lake. He's got to tell me I can't drive. He just wanted to go around.

At around 3.30 a.m. How old was this guy, by the way? So he did steal it in the middle of the night. Wait, so I was wrong. There is an option to steal a boat in the middle of the night. Yeah. He's done it. But he might have started day drinking. Why not? How do you rev up a

swan boat? You know everything about swan boats, right? Vocally. We are going fast. 3.30 a.m. It's just a paddle boat shaped like a swan. That's everyone's property. It's about a leg power. We used to have one of those up the lake too and it. Just a swan on the side. That's everyone's property. It's about a leg power. Paddleboat. We used to have one of those up the lake, too, and it always was a good idea for the

first 15 minutes. Yeah. First 100 paddles. And you're like, do you want to keep pumping this all the way back? And then there's like a current pushing you away from the dock, and you're like, this is hard. That happens, too. This is hard.

At around 3.30 a.m. This is, I mean, that is middle of the night. Yeah. Kyle Thurston successfully made it onto the Linton E. Allen Memorial Fountain. You know he's pissed. He only got a fountain? Linton E. Allen. In the middle of Lake Eola on the Stolen Swan.

So I hope he got on with the intent of going. Oh, yeah. I'm getting on that hunt. He got on. Because the bar that kicked him out said, your night's over. And he said, uh-uh. Uh-uh. It ain't. It ain't over. And he said, uh-uh. Uh-uh. It ain't.

It ain't over. Maybe he hated Linton E. Allen. Sir. Who's Linton E. Allen? L-E-A? Yeah. I don't know. L-E-A.

Sir, I can't stop. Uh-uh. Sir, I cannot stop you from, once you leave these premises, you do whatever you. That's fine. But your night is over. Uh-uh. I'm looking up Linton E. Allen. You can see who that is. Look up Linton E. Allen. Hey, hey. leave these premises, you do whatever you want, but your night is over. I'm looking up Linton E. Allen. Hey,

I know you kicked me out. You kicked me out of here? Yeah, you're out. Your night is over. Oh! Yes! Yes, it is! Wait a second. Wait a second. What do you want? Sir, stop leaning on everybody.

Just listen to him and let him leave. Stop leaning on everybody. Just listen to him and let him leave. What if I check some IDs? No. Okay. Sir, your night, what did I say? Your night is over.

Night is not over. It's over. Uh? What are you going to do about it? Where are you going to go? There's nothing to do at this hour. I'm not coming with you. Quit this job. Every bar is closed. There is nothing to do. What are you going to do? What are you gonna go? There's nothing to do at this I'm not coming with you Every bar is closed

There is nothing to do What are you gonna do? Get on a swan and put it up on the fountain In the middle of that lake? Maybe Hey guys, what did I miss? That guy just ran out That's my improv here

I'm the guy who just walked into the bar I'll miss that whole conversation You're the guy who's like Can I just get my fucking ID check? Hey, guys. Who's Ellie Linton? It's just a fountain. I can't find a person.

They named the fountain. It's just the name of the fountain. It's not a fountain in honor of her. Linton E. Allen. It's just showing the fountain. It's a beautiful fountain. It is. It's gigantic, too.

What if that's Spanish for a fountain-making company? It reminds me of a fountain. Linton E. Allen. Memorial. Linton E. Allen is like a Linton and Allen in Spanish. Sure. And maybe both people die. He's like Linton-y.

Like, he's got a lot of Linton. If you told me Linton E. Allen was a very high-end furniture store in the suburbs of St. Louis, I would not argue it. What kind of an Allen is he? He's Linton-y. He's Linton-y. There's nothing. Is he a Linton-y. He's Linton-y. There's nothing. Is he a Linton? He's Linton-y.

However, things went south when the swan boat drifted away from the fountain, and he resorted to screaming for help. Oh, God. Oh. You can't. There's more to this story? Oh, guys, we better hurry through this. We want to keep this a myth.

I thought that was it. I was like, this is- Barry, you can't put yourself on a fountain and then scream for help. I haven't even gotten to the best part. Okay, let's get was it. I was like, this is Barry. You can't put yourself on a fountain and then scream. I haven't even gotten to the best part. Okay, let's get to it. At 3.40 a.m., officers were called about a man screaming from the lake. Orlando Police Department spokesman Michelle Guido said, I don't know if you want to be a cop whose last name is associated with an argument about who shot first.

Just a theory. I might change it. Also, imagine the person who was like, that guy out there is yelling. Should we call a cop? Let him yell for a while longer. Let's see how far he goes. It's not over. Michelle Guido sounds like a temporary name in a script about the mafia.

Yeah, he does for sure. It's just a placeholder. We'll call her something later. But for now, what should I type in? Just call her Michelle Guido Why? Just write placeholder Michelle Guido I'll just type Michelle Guido

Vinny Spaghetti After being rescued But before Thurston was transported He explained Kyle Thurston I mean as a person who is trying to do something He is Thurston He Yeah, he's Thurston. Kyle Thurston. I mean, as a person who is trying to do something, he is Thurston. Straight Thurston for action.

He explained he ingested a large quantity of molly and wanted to be with the swans because, quote, the swans didn't judge him. That's true. See, he did get kicked out of a party, maybe. But by the way, if we know anything about swans from the Ugly Duckling, and... They're shitty. They're dicks. Swans are the judgiest

of all. They're ugly on the inside. They literally shit everywhere. Didn't they judge that one thing? Yeah, the Ugly Duckling. Didn't become a swan. Everyone's like, ugh. No, those were the ducks that not becoming... Yeah, the ugly duckling. Didn't become a swan. Everyone's like, oh, Link. No, those were the ducks that judged him. Yeah, the ducks judged he did become a swan because he was ugly on the inside and ended up looking great on the outside.

Were the swans dicks? No, no, no. The ducks were dicks. I thought the swans were because he was black. I've seen... White swans. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, it's Michelle Guido.

Hey. Who's this? Hey, we're taking her to the oven. Hey, I've got a swan boat. Johnny's swan boat over here. What are you doing? Why don't you get out of that fountain here? It's Michelle Guido.

According to Michelle Guido, he stated that he took the swan boat out onto the lake to be with the swans and paddled it to the fountain. Oh, okay. I did get that fairy tale 100% wrong, but I still have been around swans and their dicks. It was called the ugly duckling, right? Michelle Guido comes in and she says, you know, Thurston, he sleeps with the swans. We'll clean it up when we get to our final draft. I love that you chose sleeps with, not swims with, which is way more obvious.

He's like Luke O'Brisens. He sleeps with his swans. They say that once on the fountain, Kyle Thurston forgot to tie up the boat, and when he returned to where the boat was supposed to be, as though he had told it like a child, like, stay here. Sit. You stay right here. I'm going to come right back. I'll be right there.

Have you guys ever, as parents, been afraid to even leave the room when your kids were little? Like, do not. I'd have to run into the bathroom, but you cannot. Yeah, one time I put my oldest daughter when she was a baby on like a bed. It was ridiculously high and she was on a bed

and I went down the hall to pee and she had fallen off the bed. Like everything I wanted to happen did not happen. I choked on a quarter when I was a kid. What? Yeah, isn't that crazy? How? What happened?

I almost died. You pretended you were in an arcade? I was like kid. What? Yeah, isn't that crazy? How? What happened? I almost died. You pretended you were in an arcade? I was talking about this in here. I want to be with the quarters, Mom. I want to be with the quarters, Mom. Did you have to go to the ER? Barry Roth, bro. Sweet, sweet.

Hey, it's Michelle Guido. Hey! Wow, where you guys going? Hey, Barry Roth. Why don't you put a quarter in Barry Roth? What'd you do, Barry? Shut the fuck up. Did you have to go to the ER?

No, my mom punched me in the back, or slapped me in the back. That had nothing to do with the quarter. She didn't know. She didn't know. Standard operating procedure. That was just a regular. Thank God she was there to slap you. That was his mom's good morning.

Maybe this is a dumb question. Did it go up or down when you got slapped in the back? Shit right out of my butt. Wow. Really? No, it came out of my mouth. Either way. you got slapped in the back? Shit right out of my butt. Wow. Really? No, it came out of my mouth. She slapped you in the back and it popped out of your mouth? Why were you eating a quarter? It was near food and I was

just grabbing at stuff and she left me alone. That's what I was saying. She left me alone. Gentlemen, the human slot machine. There I am! A quarter like you're Tupac and above the rim. He's just a razor blade. I want to play it safe.

All right. So he's on the fountain. The boat is floating. He forgot to tie up the boat and then returned where the boat was supposed to be, but the boat didn't listen. I feel like we should do this story in Michelle Guido voice. Let's start her account, right? He sat down and began calling for help. Officers then asked the man if he was trying to hurt himself.

He said he was not and that he had a life preserver that he found on the swan boat. Okay. And he took with him. Great swim to safety, you dummy. Yeah. They have not announced whether any charges will be pressed against Kyle Thurston. No. I think he's earned it.

I think, too. I think he's earned it. A little bit of mischief. Maybe not criminal Didn't do anything wrong Got himself in trouble Who is the governing I think it's the swan boat's fault

Right For having The people who own it For being so invited Yeah For having swans Looking so fun You guys

I'm gonna ask you now How old Here we go Is Kyle Thurston Too much fun Leaves marks in life Living hard You'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right?

Guess the age. Guess the age. You are a guest. So you can go first, third, or Tig Notaro, which is the second spot. You just guessed it. What do you think? For real? You can go first, second, or third?

I want to go second. Okay. Go in the TIG spot. Jay, you You can go first, second, or third? I want to go second. Okay. Go in the tick slot. Jay, you want to go first? Yeah, this guy's 26. 26 years old from Jason Sklar. Add up everything you know about him. He's doing Molly.

He's doing Molly. I don't know. We don't know. You said he was at a bar. I made that up as well. Or was that just improv? Yeah, that was improv. I mean, he definitely got kicked out of somewhere.

I confuse improv and real life. I mean, look, he may have a fake ID. I think he's 19. 19 years old from Randy Sklar. I'm 26 from Jason Sklar. Barry Rothbard. Barry's supposed to go second, Randy. I'm sorry.

It's fine. I actually have two answers. Let's hear it. Good. You get to pick one. I have four ages. Wow. Jesus, Barry.

That's not the way you play the game. I'm going to tell you. He is 34. Wow. Jesus, Barry. That's not the way you play the game. I'm going to tell you. He is 34. Okay. I'm going to go high on this one. Right, 34. And what is your reasoning? And Michelle Guido is 46.

Hey! But I look 52. All right, you dummies, you stupid idiots. By the way, I love that I... You fucking morons. He said 46, and I was like, damn, that's old. And then I'm like, wait, we just turned 46. All right, Jason went with?

26. I went with 26. 19 from Randy Scott. No, no, no, no. 34. 19. Price is right. 34.

We go straight up no matter what. No, it doesn't matter. If you're over, it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Closest to it. Over on it. I don't know why. I thought it was Price is Right.

Price is Right. No one ever does that. No, we do encourage people To spay and neuter their pets But you can't go over Kyle Thurston The man who kept his night going Rode a swan to be with them

Because they didn't judge him Then got marooned on a fountain Named after a guy nobody knows Is 36 years old Oh Hey Hey

Hey Hey Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Oh! Nice! Hey! Hey! Hey! Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't want him to judge me. All right! Jeez! Unbelievable. What do I get?

36 years old. You get the knowledge that you're right. The knowledge that you are right. Look at that guy. Oh! He does not look 36. I want to judge the hell out of that guy. I love hairlines that are impossible to describe to someone.

That is an old 36. He has three different hairlines. It's John Grease in a bald cap. John Grease from Napoleon Dynamite. Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite with a bald cap. If you told me that that guy, 36-year-old, had grandkids, I'd be like, yep.

I wouldn't even pause. 18-year-old daughter, one-year-old kid had grandkids, I'd be like, yep. I wouldn't even pause. I'd be like, yep. 18-year-old daughter, one-year-old kid. Well, there you go. There's a mini-show. Follow Barry Rothbart on Twitter. At Barry Rothbart. And where people can see you live, same thing?

Or where can people, hey. I don't know when this is dropping, but I'm going to be headlining the Hollywood Melrose Improv. When? January 31st. Oh, yeah. Before that, go see him at that. New Hour. New? January 31st. Oh, yeah. That's good for that. Go see him at that. New Hour. New Hour.

Fantastic. Brand new. Go. Check it out. Enjoy it. And the new podcast is called? New podcast is called Get High and Save the World. Why not?

I want to do all those things. Thurston tried to do it. He tried to do it and failed, but maybe Barry Rothbard can do it. That's a mini-sode, guys. We'll see you on Monday with a, or Tuesday with a full-length episode but thank you for enjoying this and oh shit,

we gotta get back to work. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down, it's Dumb People Town.