Dumb People Town - Becky Robinson - Hot Nog

Episode Date: June 7, 2022

This week Becky Robinson comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is a roommate squabble gone wrong. The second story tells us a fun way to threaten a cop. The final story is about the G.O.A.T. of all goats.

Skypains Avenue Hey, Tatties, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Robinson, Population Robins and Becky Robins. Thank you for being here. We are glad to have you. Beck Robbs, this has been a long time coming. It's been a long time coming. You know how much we love you.

We brewed it. We've been brewing this tea for a while now. It's twisted tea. Because you are thankfully super busy doing great stuff. And I love every single sketch thing you do. The characters you put on Instagram and on TikTok are so fun. The E show.

Oh, the dance show. Oh, that was fun. So many good times. Let's go. There's so much fun stuff. If you're not following this woman, please do. We'll tell you how to do it in this show. But really, this is a show that focuses on the dumb.

Dumb people, dumb behavior. I know you've been out in the world and you... I've been out. I've been... Yeah, I've had some extreme fuck-ups lately, too. Great. You sent the email and you're like, if you can think of anything you've done that's dumb...

That's for our Patreon. We're going to get deep into Becky Robinson's chunk of fun, so to speak. But let's get into a story right away. Are you ready? Dan, go for it. Okay. This was sent in to me, because that's how you do it,

at Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag dumb people town. That's how you send it. Sent in by Evan Rude at I love Chumbawamba, L-U-V. I want to knock this guy down just to get him to get back up again. Just to allow him to get back up again. Just so you know, he'll get back up again. Just to allow him to get back up. Is that Evan Rude?

Is that Rude? Okay. Ready? Yeah. Evan Rude. Isn't that also the motors for speedboats? An Evan Rude? Couldn't tell you.

I'm pretty sure. That's my... You've definitely done a lot of wakeboarding in your day. Oh, yeah. Of course. She's like a really good skier. Like, unbelievable. I grew up in Oregon, like in a weird cul-de-sac.

I thought you were going to say in a weird cult. You're a few words away from saying in a weird cult. I grew up in Oregon in a weird cult. A lot of cul-de-sacs are kind of culty. They are. It was cult. Just a lot of deer, raccoons running around. It was like you either do every

sport or it's like people go down. It's drugs. It's drugs. I'm on the slopes. I's drugs. It's drugs. Drugs are sports. Those are your two choices. I'm on the slopes. I'm not sniffing the slopes. All right, ready for the headline?

Ski through snow or smell snow? Roommates get an altercation over insect argument. Oh, man. It's a fight about bugs. Yeah. That leads to violence. A Texas man charged with- Is it going to be a fight about you take care of the spider?

Is it a my turn versus your turn type of deal? Dan just said a Texas man. If we're talking Texas, it's got to be something. Guns come out. Guns are coming out. Big insects. Big insects, but guns will come out. Actually, no guns.

What? I don't think. Maybe there is a gun. We'll find out. You've seen the video of the spider that eats a bat. In Australia? It's so big, and it just eats a whole bat. I'm like, oh, my God.

A Texas man charged with assault beat his roommate with a wooden stick after a pre-dawn fight Sunday stemming from an argument about mosquitoes. Beat him with a stick. About mosquitoes. This is dumb people town, guys. This is dumb people town this is dumb people town ready for this name you win you win the argument you win there's no names and i was like like if i met them and they were like this is my full name i go okay just so you know you're eventually going to end up a story on my podcast that i do with the sklar brothers this is this person's name. Victor Simone Shavers. Simone? S-Y-M-O-N-E.

Victor Simone Shavers. Shavers. Not Shavers. Shavers. Shavers. Wait, so this is the guy who did the hitting? The SS. This is the guy with the stick.

Yes. Carries a big stick. The SS carries a big stick. A loaded name. A loaded name. Also, I guess when you shorten it down, if his name, if he just goes by Vic Shavers, that sounds way cooler. Vic Shavers sounds like it could be a sponsor of our podcast. For sure.

Guys, are you in the Vic Shavers club? Every month they send you a stick that you can beat the shit out of your house. Vic Shavers. Shave your nuts or beat the shit out of your roommate with a stick. Vic Shavers. Vic Shavers is also the guy in the pro wrestling match that's going to lose. Right. He's a jobber.

From Albany, New York. From Albany, New York. Vic Shavers. And then the Undertaker just beats the shit out of him. Just a guy who doesn't even have a jacket. Just promo code mosquito. Victor Simone Shavers attacked his roommate and left him needing stitches, Dallas police said

in an arrest warrant affidavit. Officers responded to the residents at about... Anyone who want to guess? He said pre-dawn. Pre-dawn. What do you think it was? Pre-dawn?

Let's say around 3 a.m. 3 a.m.? And this happened from the night before. This is when they wake up, let's start fighting. I'll guess for fun. I'll say 5 a.m., but listen, let me just say this.

They say... That's a long argument listen, let me just say this. They say- That's a long argument, or started at an escalator. When do mosquitoes stop being out? Like, when do they go to sleep? Like, you can walk out at like 6 a.m. No, they're either alive or dead. They're up all the time. But wait, here's my thing, Dan.

Like most things. They don't tuck her out. Right. Why are we not saying former roommate? If this person chooses to continue to be the roommate of this person, then I don't want to blame a victim. Get out of the relationship. Get out of that apartment. Well, are they sexual? Why are we not saying former roommate? If this person chooses to continue to be the roommate of this person, then I don't want to blame a victim. Get out of the relationship. Get out of that apartment.

Well, are they sexual? I don't know. No idea. Good question. Nine eights. Nine eights. Maybe he likes getting six. Dick Shaver.

What did you say the time was? I said 5 a.m. What'd you say? I said 3 a.m. I'm going to go right up the middle, 420. Nice. Stop. Once officers responded to a residence at about 2.42 a.m.

Oh! You were right. There you go. And found Shaver's roommate outside with a bloody face. I wonder if he left or if he was like, get out. Get out of here. You know what mosquitoes love? Bloody faces.

The roommate told police Shaver's assaulted him shortly after they argued about, quote, what a mosquito looks like. What? This is the whole fight. There's no way to find it. There's no way to look that up online. We have the internet. This is the whole fight.

Google it. Google. What a mosquito looks like. It looks like this thing on my phone right here. Like, there's no other way to put it. How would you describe it, though? this thing on my phone right here. There's no other way to put it. How would you describe it, though?

They have thin, light, transparent wings. I was going to say a gnat with longer legs and a weapon. Long legs and a little stinger. I fucking hate mosquitoes. Do they have bug eyes? No. They don't. Do they have any eyes?

Yes. Do they? Yes. Okay. I mean, I don't want to argue about any eyes? Yes. Do they? Yes. Okay. I mean, I don't want to argue about this. Don't look it up, Jay. Let's fight about what they look like. Yeah.

What are you saying it looks like? I told you. Give me that stick. They look like a gnat with longer legs and a weapon. Don't they, don't they? Yes, they do. I'll fight you about it. It's like a fly without the eyes.

The affidavit says the argument escalated into a physical fight when Shavers told his roommate he, in fact, did not know what the insect looks like while the roommate argued otherwise. So the argument was, yes, you do know what they look like. Wait, Becky, it's not even what does an insect look like. It's I don't know what it looks like. Yes, you do. So he's arguing that he has more knowledge than he has. Why do you lie to me about the animals you don't know what it looks like. Yes, you do. So he's arguing that he has more knowledge than he has. Why do you lie to me about the animals you don't know? Why?

You're always playing dumb to me. You dress for the animals you don't know. So Shavers told his roommate, we'll call him Mike. Shavers, Vic. Vic told Mike that he did not know what the insect looked like. The argument from Mike was, yeah, you do, Vic. Yeah, you do. Vic Shivers then, quote, grabbed a stick behind his bed.

That's it? It was just, you don't, you don't. I'm sorry. I don't know what they look like. Yeah, you do. Honey, where's my bed stick? I had it here last night. It's in the bathroom.

Nope, that's the bathroom stick. Pantry? It's like a kid who can't properly say bread stick. Where's my bed stick? I had it here last night. It's in the bathroom. Nope, that's the bathroom stick. Pantry? It's like a kid who can't properly say bread stick. Where's my bed stick? Where's my bed stick? Bread stick. Shavers then, quote, grabbed a stick behind his bed and started hitting his roommate in the head at least how many times? How many times did Mike get hit in the head before he goes, I'm out.

Fine. You don't know. Eight. Eight. Eight times. Oh, my God. Who kept track? I don't know. Let me see. But Mike did. I'm out. Fine. You don't know. Eight. Eight times. Oh my God. Who kept track? I don't know. Let me see.

Mike did. Fifteen times. Okay. I think eleven times. Okay. He got hit in the head with the stick at least six times. Oh my God. Have you been in this fight before? That's when. You knew the time and the amount of hits. She knows what a bed stick is. That's when the roommate the time and the amount of hits.

That's when the roommate, who we've called Mike, managed to grab a metal bat from his closet and hit Vic Shavers while he was defending himself. Now we've got a stick and a bat fight over what a mosquito looks like. Not what a mosquito looks like, whether or not you know what a mosquito looks like.

What's the Texas law? Stand and deliver? Stand your ground. Stand deliver was the Jaime Escalante movie about the guy who taught math. The roommate scuffle left both men with cuts and one with a swollen right hand, which was possibly broken, the affidavit states.

Vic Shavers admitted to responding officers that he struck his roommate first. Vic Shavers was listed as an inmate in the Dallas County Jail on Thursday afternoon. He's charged with aggravated assault causing serious bodily injury. Yeah. And assault causing serious bodily injury. They wrote that twice and I don't know why.

According to jail records. If I may add, assault causing serious bodily injury. No, he caused bodily injury. We'll get out of here on this. How old is Victor Simone Shavers? He does not know what a mosquito looks like, so stop telling him that he does. So he says. He will hit you with a stick even when you get a baseball bat.

This wasn't even a dispute about what a mosquito looks like. This was a dispute of knowledge. Feeling like, don't lie to me about not knowing what a mosquito looks like. I believe in you more than you believe in me. You do? Smack, smack, do you remember a time When people were like I want to Be as smart as I can possibly be

This guy is arguing that he's Dumber than he you know what I mean And the other guy's like I believe in you But also if he doesn't know what a mosquito Looks like which is wild Especially in Texas If he doesn't know what a mosquito looks like He doesn't know what a mosquito looks like, he doesn't know what a mosquito looks like.

I'm picturing either 30 or two. Are they toddlers? But then you hear Vic, you assume old. Old, old. Victor Simone Shavers. Old Vic. Big smoker. What do you want to go with?

I mean, I kind of want to say like six. It feels like sandbox. They're definitely men. They're adults. Yeah. They're adults. Okay. Six on the inside. But how old? Then maybe like probably 35. They're adults. Yeah. They're adults. Okay. Six on the inside, but how old?

Then maybe like probably 35. 35 years old. Jason Sklar. I want him to be 70. I want him to be 70 so bad. He can be in your heart. I'm going to say that. I'm going to say seven.

Okay. I think you're, I'm going up that way too. I think 57. 57? Yeah. Okay. He's a few years old. Story number one, we'll end with this, because Victor Simone Shavers, who does not know what

a goddamn mosquito looks like and has a bedstick to prove it, is 43 years old. Wow. 43. All right. I think you said 35. You're winning again. Holy shit. Well done, Becky.

I've known him for a long time. I know. You understand this bedstick fight. This is his family. That's story number one. Story number one. It's a lot of stupidity. When we take a break, when we come back, we'll find out what Becky Robinson is doing, how

you can follow her, how you can see her live if she's in your area, all that stuff coming up after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more at Uncle People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. As we always tell you, we have a Patreon where we're doing new versions of Cheap Seats called Cheaper Seats 2.0.

It's us making fun of Spelling Bee Kids World's Strongest Man competition. We'll get you in the mood for our new TV show that is coming out on UFC Fight Pass this summer called The Nosebleeds, where we basically take a look at the old weird footage in the UFC catalog, and we make fun. We do sketches. We pop out. Rob Corddry, Tony Hale, Jon Hamm, Marilyn Ricegub, Andy Richter, all people who participate in this show, and we're so proud of it. Daniel worked on it. It was just a blast. So we're very excited that's going to come out soon.

So we'll get you all the information. And hopefully, when it comes out, you guys will just bombard the UFC at UFC and just let them know how much you love the show. If you're in Indiana and you're a Soapbox Derby fan, Dan is hosting in front of like 30,000 to 50,000 people. That's on June 18th, the Soapbox Derby races. If you're in Des Moines, you want to hang out with me, do that. Otherwise, you should be checking danielvankirk.com for my July and August stand-up dates, which should be announced very soon.

Oh, and get the new cookies, the Dan Van Cookies, which are called Hub City Cookies at Three Best Bakery. They're so, so, so good. All right, Becky Robinson, where can people find you? Yeah, it's Family Recipe. It's unreal. They're so, so, so good. All right, Becky Robinson, where can people find you? Yeah, it's Family Recipe. It's unreal. Partnered with this great bakery in Arkansas. Yeah, we had like, so during the pandemic, this is so nice.

I actually love talking about this. Someone was asking me about this. What did you guys do during the pandemic? We did live shows on Zoom through our friends at the Nowhere Comedy Club. Ben Gleib and those guys, they were so nice. And we got to see our fans. And there are these women who, now it's one more, it's always one more.

Suze, yeah. Suze who does this bakery in Arkansas and is like connected with Dan. Dan had his family, had his mom made cookies. They had old family recipe. And when Dan was little, he said, am I getting this right? Mom, you should make these cookies and sell these cookies.

And that never came to fruition, and now it did. And now it has come to fruition. They're phenomenal cookies. They're so good. I believe in these cookies more than I believe in me. Stop. They're really, really good. They're really good.

So pick those up. All right, Becky Robinson, what is up, and how can people see you? Should they start by just following you on social media? All of my accounts have very different names. Perfect. You can find something somewhere. Yeah, what is it? Yeah, my personal is at BeckyRobinson4,

but then we've got Entitled Housewife, Susie Chapstick Skis, Donny Cush, California. Entitled Housewife is one of my favorite characters. Just walking in a neighborhood with a drink and saying hello to neighbors who aren't there. But it's so complex. It's so deep but it's so complex it's so deep layered it's deep it's so layered because i've seen people try and do the karen person this is like it's it's so every time i see something i'm like uh you guys want to go look at becky

robinson what she's doing because once you do you're going to stop it's not a broad brush stroke it goes deep it's well it's very much, it was birthed during the pandemic when I was staying with my parents and the character is like exactly both 50% my mom and dad. So I think it was just like it took a little bit of both of them and all of the lines, I don't know.

You're inspired. We watched you do it at the Netflix is a joke golf tournament and you were just being so funny. I was like, oh, more of you on the range. Just come and just fuck with everybody. Just come and be there. I feel more comfortable as her than myself. That's hilarious.

A lot of times. When you're improvising as this character, I mean, as Dan, who's a phenomenal improviser, his characters, we can attest with him. It's like, once you start just improvising as that person. You probably don't even realize what's going to come up. Well, no, I'm like, I'm not even looking at Becky. I'm like, I'm looking at this crazy, whacked out, like entitled housewife who's just riding

around on a golf cart with like a drink that's sloshing around. And I'm like, oh, that's what I'm dealing with right now. Yeah. Clubs are flying. Everything's frantic. Yeah. Well, I haven't spent more than like, you know, a holiday at home with my parents since I left for college.

And so I was around it and my dad was just like, golf is all we have. It is all we have to get out of the house for two minutes during this pandemic. He's right. He's right. But I was just like, I kept hearing him and he was wearing two golf gloves because that was like his form of PPE. Because those are so clean.

And then my mom has had like major health things and so she's kind of futzing around the house, and she's like, you know, I want to go to happy hour with the girls. I want to go to the Thirsty Lion and have a Cosmo. The Thirsty Lion. It got so angry or something, and they went out of town one day, and it just exploded out of my mouth. It's great.

Yeah, the lines were just never ending. It was like the first time I laughed myself, I think, during the pandemic. So I was like, ah, maybe. Maybe it'll make someone else. Entitled Housewife has her own... She's got her own socials. She's got at Entitled Housewife and then EntitledHousewife.com. So you did the Heavy Poor Tour.

Is it still kind of in the mix? But you did the Heavy Poor Tour, which were huge venues and stuff. It was really fun, yeah. And all these people are coming out. So my question to you is, who's coming, is it, are you, because you're making fun of a certain element of the population.

But are those people coming out or are people coming out dressed as those people? What is it? They all come out dressed as like some version of Entitled. Sometimes they'll, like they'll bring their rackets and shit to the shows. No, it's so funny.

Like tennis rackets, badminton, you know, anything. Super fun. Yeah, the visors, the skorts, everything. And they'll be in line like, Trash! Trash! Fill your fucking divots! And they're all kind of like quoting it and stuff. And there's times when I'm like sitting backstage

and I can just hear it and I'm like, oh man, it's like... It's crazy. And they love it. It's just 500 of them, you know? And they're just moms night out. And will they go with the other stuff? Because you're doing other things too.

I mean like, Susie Chapstick is like, she's, you know. Susie's outfits don't fit me post-pandemic. Those little 80s one-piece outfits. Oh my God. So we'll have to circle back to that. Ski bibs. Yeah, they're just so skin tight.

But yeah, I do like 30 minutes, 35, 40 minutes of my own stand-up. I start as one character and then I do stand up as myself and then entitled every now and then I'll add one or two more characters but there's sketches in between when I run off and change and there's a lot of audience interaction so yeah I'm in Austin next week

I don't know when it's coming out I don't know when it's coming out when do you have dates? Do you have dates in June or not? I've got June 2nd I'll be at Cap City comedy club i think we just added a late show and then uh june like 10th 11th irvine all weekend great awesome and then we're about to announce a bunch of fall theater dates for like atlanta boston chicago just a bunch of places we didn't quite get to in the first day to me there's justice in this world that you're filling up theaters. It's so fun.

I gotta have a big stage. Yeah, but that's right for what you're doing. Oh my God, it's perfect. I think that's actually right on. I mean, the beauty is you can do it in front of one person or a thousand people. It's the same hilarity. I've seen it in front of a handful of people

and it's just so funny. BeckyRobinson.com? It was taken by this crazy cat woman. Of course. She's big. You have Google Alerts set up for you.

It's embarrassing to say, but she's like always the one getting fresh press. It's like, alley cat strike. No! And it's this woman with like this little bowl cut

and she's like, saving the cats. But no, my website's BeckyRobinsonTheGreat.com. Yay! I like to keep it humble. Hey, We're Supersclars.com. Save Nils!

Someone took Slabbers. Alright, so you will go there, see if she's coming near you and go see it. That's his love. Fresh, funny, hilarious. Should we jump into another story? This is sent in by Jeff Feldman at Jeff underscore Feldman. Thanks, Jeff. That's a new person. That's so creative.

I mean, the underscore really. He's not messing around. It kind of underscores how creative he is. Here's the headline. Grandmother uses white witchery to threaten officer. The hell is white witchery? White witchery? I don't know.

White witchery? I would think it's a friendly type of witch. Wouldn't white witchery? White witchery. Can I? Can I? White people witchery. It's like Billy Idol. Dark witchery. Billy white witch white witchery can i can i white people it's like billy idol billy idols white wedding uh i was at uh the country store the canyon country store near my

house and i took my son down it was like 11 or 10 30 at night and he's like i want a snack i'm like all right let's just get out of the house we'll go down and we'll get some sort of treat or snack and walking out of pache with like beautiful women all around him was Billy Idol. And I'm like, that dude right there, that guy was a huge star. So then we're watching 16 Candles for the first time. I'm showing it to him. And as they're driving in the car that night, Anthony Michael Hall and the woman, the song is with the rebel yell

is playing and I'm like you know who's singing that song the guy we just saw and he's like what I'm like pause the movie and we open up the thing and I'm showing a video and I'm like so maybe white witchery is a offshoot of white wedding by Billy it's a bad day for white witchery

a grandmother is accused of threatening a holidaysburg this is is accused of threatening a Holidaysburg. This is in Pennsylvania. That's a town. Holidaysburg. Holidaysburg. It's like a holiday every day here. Holidaysburg police officer with what she calls, quote, white witchery.

If he did not drop her grandson's felony drug charge, Pennsylvania State Police report. So she says, you have a charge against my grandson. You drop it or I'm going to get you with some white witchery. I have a tale of a newt. I have no idea. What is white witchery? What are you even? Her name?

I was used telepathy to talk to your manager. Tale of a newt. If I just read you her name, you would have caught up to the fact she's a witch without me telling you anything else. Celestia Barker III. I knew it was Celestia Barker. Wait, she's a witch without me telling you anything else. Celestia Barker the third. I knew it was going to be Barker. It's a woman who's the third? Yes. Becky, I've always said that you should be, I think

women should be able to name their children after them and have like, there should be a Becky Robinson two, a BR two, and then a BR three. And when that kid has a kid, a BR three. There should be a BR three. And then there should be a BR kid, a B-R-3. There should be a B-R-3. I thought it should be B-Arthur. Celestia Barker III, 74 years old, of Williamsburg,

is accused of calling Hollidaysburg police while she was at UPMC Altoona. This is a lot of details. Let me ask you this. How many shawls do you think Celestia Parker would wear? Well, it's white witchery. I don't know. Is it different? It might be kimonos.

Right. Or what's the difference? But, you know. She definitely has something with a drop sleeve. Yes. There's like a lot of room between her wrists. And a lot of bracelets. She's like Pennsylvania Stevie Nicks.

Flowing frocks. She called on March 27th. Just like a white witchery sings a song, Celestia's singing. Who, baby, who? They said who. We're going to get sued. On March 27th, she called to ask an officer to drop the felony charges

against her grandson, saying, this is what she said, he only had a small amount of marijuana and a pipe. To which I go, I agree. Drop them. Yes. Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? Holidaysburg?

Well, Holidaysburg may be a very serious town. It does. It feels like a place you can't dance. Holidaysburg? Yeah. They only drink eggnog. Yes. All year round.

We going to Holidaysburg? You know you can get that eggnog. Are we going to eggnog Fest over in Holidaysburg? It's in August. Can you imagine in the heat of August? Hot nog. Get me one of them hot nogs. Hot dog?

No, the nog. If you hot nog a woman. I can think of it, but we're going to lose a lot of listeners. I do not. I think. And she stays. If you hot nog a woman and she stays, make her your wife. Should be illegal, Becky.

Why am I just picturing jizz being poured on someone's head? Oh, I don't know. Hey. I bought, by the way, without alcohol. It's jizz in a Santa's hat. I have bought eggnog just to drink it without alcohol in the holiday season. Sure. I like a good nog.

Like the carton? Yes. Bought a carton. A thin carton. Been so ashamed that I will drink it on the way home from the grocery store and throw it away at a trash can near my house. By the way, you can't get a big carton of the nog. You have to get that slim. Very slender. It's like one cup makes like 20,000 cups of nog.

I tried looking up hot nogging. It doesn't exist. Well, me and the girls went hot nogging. There is a thing called hot noggin hats, but that has to do with your noggin. No. Hot noggin. There is an Etsy called warm noggin. She let it

record state court that Becky came up with the term hot nog, and then we took it to a very terrible place. Hot noggin. Okay. I couldn't find anything. Here we go. So this gal.

Right. She allegedly told officers, this is Celestia Barker III. She allegedly told officers that she practices witch activities, which makes me feel like you don't. I'm into witch activities. And the officer's like, which activities are you into? She's like, which activities? Like, I know.

I'm asking you which. Right. And I'm saying, which activities? And I'm asking you which ones. And I'm saying, which activities are you into? She's like, which activities? I know. I'm asking you which. And I'm saying which activities. And I'm asking you which ones. And I'm saying which. And that's what I'm trying to figure out. And then it just, that's the deal. She said he'd be in jeopardy if he failed to drop the charges. He'd be in jeopardy.

I would be like. What are we talking? I'm like, can you threaten an officer like that? Well, she then... You're contemplating it. Celestia then gave the officer examples of what that meant. Okay. Like him falling down the stairs or feeling like someone pushed him.

What? Yes. Some ghost shit. She said she wasn't threatening him. That's not witchery. I'm going to come up behind you and push you. This is what I love. She said, Celestia, that she wasn't threatening. That's not witchery. I'm going to come up behind you and push you. This is what I love. She said, Celestia, that she wasn't threatening anyone, but just, quote, making statements.

What if she... Be a real shame if you slip down the stairs. I'm just making statements. I'd like my son out of jail, and I'm just making statements. I'm just saying you could fall down the stairs. What if all of her statements involved him falling down the stairs in some way? Like she couldn't get that creative. Like you could fall down the stairs or feel like someone pushed you down the stairs or tripped over your feet and fell down the stairs.

All right, lady. What is it with the stairs? You're going to slip at the top of a staircase and then fall down. You're going to be watching on your phone. You're saying I'm going to? I'm just making a statement. You're watching the HBO dramatization of the show The Staircase, and you're going to fall down.

I think it's on HBO, Max. It is. The Officer, hung up. Have you seen it? Have you seen The Doc? Have you seen The Doc? Yeah, I've seen The Doc. I'm hearing good things about the show, though.

The Doc is insane. It's so good. What's that on? Archibald? I think it's on Netflix. I think The Doc is on Netflix, where it's literally- It's maybe too many episodes. It is way too many episodes.

Dan, what did you say about the middle where they're like- Making a murder where you're like- I don't remember. Could have done it in five. Could have done it- Oh, yeah. If you just took out all the yeah. Yeah.

If you just took out the yeah. Yeah. It would just be done in three episodes. Yeah. The officer hung up on Celestia Barker, but she proceeded to call back numerous times and even called the Blair County dispatch three different times. One of the times, she allegedly spoke with the dispatcher

at length, telling them she would use white witchery on the officer if the felony charges weren't dropped. I mean, that's a threat, Becky. She ended up making statements on the phone to the dispatcher for how long? How many minutes do you think

they let her just talk about things that would happen? Yes. An hour. Right. You gotta let her go. You gotta let her, yeah. Because this is when you put it on speaker and invite everyone to come in your office. 30 minutes. I think you let her go. Yeah, I think it's like 40 minutes, 45

minutes. Because you're also being like some white witchery. Like I might, and then she'll say things that will inevitably happen to you. Right, right, right. You might have a heart attack. Yeah, for sure. Right. You're going to run out of gas. You're going to have less gas than you thought you did.

29 years from now. And you're going to be late for a thing. You're going to get the shits. It may not happen now. You are. It's going to really hurt. You're going to try that new chicken at Chipotle and not like it. Are you sure? Put some white witchery on you. She spoke to the dispatcher for 23 minutes. Wow. You are. It's going to really hurt. You're going to try that new chicken at Chipotle and not like it.

Are you sure? Put some white witchery on you. She spoke to the dispatcher for 23 minutes. That is a long time to talk. When state police questioned Barker, she replied, Yes, I did do that. Is there a law against it? After being told there was a law against it. Yes, there is. Intimidation by phone.

Celestia Barker then explained to the trooper that she practices white witchery. Again, this is the third time she's told people this. Minimum three. Maybe more. This is, and again, this is when you do a comedy show and people are talking during your show. And they're like, but it's her birthday. You're like, who cares? I don't care.

I practice white witchery. Who cares? We're not talking about doing it. We're talking about practicing. We're talking about practicing. We're talking about practice. Not doing it. Not a game. Not actual white witchery.

Not a threat. Not a threat. Just practice. We're talking about practice. She said that she practiced white witchery and that they, quote, best be looking over their shoulder. You can't stay in this house. Best be looking over your shoulder.

State police. Be a real shame if you fell down your shoulder. State police. Be a real shame if you fell down the stairs. State police. Now remember. Someone pushed you down the stairs. She called. She got hung up on. She called numerous times. Someone answered. She spoke for 23 minutes.

Then she talked to someone else again. Right? State police then listened to three different voicemails. This gets you a grandma who cares this much about you. I will say that. Yeah, the pot charge is looking Again, right? State police then listened to three different voicemails. Get you a grandma who cares this much about you. I will say that. Yeah, the pot charge is looking kind of small right now. State police.

It's like when a professional coach is like, it was my fault. The kid just completely screws up. I called the wrong player, trying to get the heat off the kid. I know. He fumbled off his leg. State police then listened to three different voicemails from Celestia that she left at the Hollidaysburg Police Department. Barker allegedly told officers to think about dropping the felony charges. Otherwise, there might be, quote, some consequences. This is a threat.

She's pretty entitled when you think about it. When I first heard the phrase white witchery I was like that's very entitled. Yeah. Maybe your character needs to like start practicing

white witchery. Just delve into it. I've been looking into this. I've got a crystal. I've got one crystal. I'm thinking about practicing white witchery. I'm doing some practice spells.

I've got one crystal and it's a full moon. I'm doing little spells. I could see her saying that if she's like at the grocery store and they keep not restocking her favorite Sauvignon Blanc. Sure. I could see her saying that if she's at the grocery store and they keep not restocking her favorite Sauvignon Blanc.

Sure. I'm going to start practicing some white witchery. Get some Sauv B up in this one. You better get those New Zealand crisp salves over here. Parker is now facing a felony charge of threatening unlawful harm to a public servant to the judicial process. She was released on a $10,000 unsecured bail. Wow.

Wow. So she got in trouble. Leave her alone. She's a white, witchery grandma who's just threatening everybody if they don't drop charges against her grandson. Which is not a great act. I'm just making threatening statements. What's wrong with that?

That's it. Why is that a bad thing? I'm just crossing the line and breaking a law. Just statements. Just statements. You know, it's white, witchery privilege like that that bothers me. Sure. It really, really bothers me.

We need to be more diverse in our witchery. That's story number two, my friends. Daniel, give us a little taste of what we can hear. Oh, there's a goat. Oh, there's a goat. I hope yoga's involved. Also, for our Patreon fans, Becky Robinson is going to tell us a stupid thing that either she participated in, or she witnessed.

Happened to her, she witnessed. Look, at times she's like, I can be a magnet for this shit. You have to join our Patreon to hear it. And then on the other side of the break for the rest of you cats, we've got a goat story. It's Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make it sound.

For more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel, take us home. Ready? Yes. Sent in by Joseph Gaccione. Hey. Hey, Gaccione. Hey, Gaccione. I got you.

Wisdom, W-I-S-T-U-M-B. What'd you say? Wisdom. Huh? I don't even know what she said, but it made me laugh. All right, ready for the headline? I think you could even repeat it. I don't even know what she said, but it made me laugh.

Are you ready for the headline? I think you could even repeat it. Virginia Sheriff's Office praises goat for assistance in chasing suspect. This is just them being on Facebook, right? Yeah, of course they're on Facebook. It's just cops being like, we got a Facebook. But it's also a great cute little goat story. Tom Brady? Is it Tom Brady?

Yes. That goat was the greatest of all time. Dude, Tom Brady chased them. Dude, Tom Brady. It was a goat. You're not going to believe it. A Virginia Sheriff's Office is thanking a goat for assisting deputies during a foot pursuit with a fleeing suspect this month.

The goat, named Gracie, Gracie the goat, helped two deputies flush out a suspect that they were chasing on February 13th, pre-Valentine's Day. Sometimes, help comes in all shapes and sizes, the sheriff's office wrote on Facebook. Shut up. Captain Scott Barker. I don't think any relation to Celestia. No.

The third. Barker the third. Captain Scott Barker said Deputy David Parnell came across the suspect while investigating a case in the Fielddale area of Henry County, the Martinsville Bulletin reported. Good to know. After telling the suspect he was under arrest, I'm assuming from a distance, which is probably never a good idea.

Sir, you are under arrest. Sir? You're under arrest. You? Come here. Come here for a second. No, don't go that way. Where's he going?

Walk to your impending doom. That's exactly what happened. After telling the suspect he was under arrest, the suspect fled on foot, leading Deputy Parnell to chase him through a fence line and across a field. This is where it gets fun. During the chase, Barker said a goat from the property joined the deputy in chasing the guy. Wouldn't you think like, hell yeah, goat.

Like you're just running in this goat. That is Sheriff John Par running in this goat swing. Sheriff John Parnell in Goat Boy. That's where he went from being a goat to the goat. The goat. When Parnell and the goat reached the next line of the fence in the field. You know what I'm going to say. You know what I'm going to say.

Parnell and the goat is the new Rizzoli and Isles. That's right. And this is actually your closest comparison because they are actually fighting crime. They are a team. Fighting crime in fields all across this county. When Parnell and the goat reached the next line of the fence in the field, the goat continued through the fence in front of the deputy and chased the man into the woods.

So the deputy was like, I'm done. The goat was like, we're not done. I'm just getting started. We're not done. I got him. I got him. You wait here, Parnell. I'll go get this.

The goat looks back and is like, cover me. Yeah. Boom. Into got him. I got him. You wait here, Parnell. I'll go get this. Goat looks back and is like, cover me. Yeah. Boom. Into the woods. As Parnell surveyed the situation, the goat and a deputy on the other side flushed the man out of the woods and he was taken into custody. The goat did its job. Yes.

They didn't even sign up for it. The goat just saw it and was like, this guy? Let's do it. Yeah. What are we doing? Right. Chasing this asshole down? Got it.

This is a good goat. This is like such Dumb People Town, too. Like, goat helps arrest criminal. That is perfect. And you know, there would be a parade for the goat in Dumb People Town. He'd be deputy. They'd give him a gun. And then he would accidentally shoot himself in the foot.

He'd eat the gun. Hoof. Hoof. Hoof. Gracie's got a Glock. There you go. Gracie's got a Glock. There you go. Gracie's got a glock. We're going to get sued.

Okay. So then the goat chases him out, right? Yeah. Okay. Where was it? A flushed man out of the woods. He was taken into custody, Barker said, according to the Martinsville Bulletin. Barker said the goat was returned to its owner after the incident was resolved.

Authorities have yet to provide the name of the suspect. Fielddale is about 70 miles southeast of Blacksburg. That's story number three. Wow. I mean, just a fun little goat story. So they definitely brought the goat into the police station to have a party. Yeah, it gave him a little badge. A medal.

I hope he has a little badge. I would love it if someone's like, where's the goat? And then it's in the evidence room just eating a bunch of cocaine. Sure. And then they're like, goat. All right, let's go. And then Parnell feels responsible and has to cover up for the goat. No, he's fine.

He's fine. He's good. He's going through something. You're going to lose somebody like that off the force for fucking up one time? I still just feel like that sheriff was probably like, he just seems like such a newscaster. Like, it just goes to show you folks, help comes in all shapes and sizes. Case closed. Case closed.

And then they cut to the goat and the goat's like, I got two weeks left till my retirement. I want the goat to be voiced by Sebastian Muscat. I got two weeks left of my retirement. I thought you were going to go like training day with the goat. It's Denzel. What are you going to do? You got this guy. I mean, you're telling me.

I got to flush this guy out of the woods. You ever seen this? My father. You ever seen this? A guy goes in a woods chasing the cat chasing the cat I'm like he's the cop

I gotta get in there and flush him out like I'm a god damn tidy boy oh that's awesome that's story number three I love that oh what a great story the animals are gonna help us out maybe it's not the robots but it's the animals that help us find our way forward. Becky Robinson, you're the best. Thank you for coming and joining us.

You guys are the best. Follow every single one of her. Entitled Housewife, Becky Robinson for all of it. But, I mean, you can find it. BeckyRobinsonTheGreat.com. Yes. Thank you so much for having us. Go see her live.

Go see her live. All right, guys. No shit. We've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Talk it down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbands Audio. A podcast. Make a sound, calm your downies, Dumb People Town.