Dumb People Town - Ben Roy - Rookie Witch Move

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Comedian, actor, podcaster Ben Roy (97.9 The Rat Race on ATC, Those Who Can't) stops by as Randy describes a Catholic school counselor that lost their job after students get crystals from witches, Daniel reports about a man who rents a billboard to trade a cheese stick, and Jason warns against wearing underwear on your face as you porch pirate, and so much more!

Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand and Fender Don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Bunker Down is Dumb People Town

Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town Population U Population Roy Ben Roy. Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Dude, I love you.

I love you guys. I'm here. You know I'm here. And there's nothing in that. None of that is real. He's tried to drink all of it. I've tried to drink all of it. It's relapse time.

Hey. You tried to drink the Moroccan. Morocco? This is an intervention. We're tired of you being sober. Yes. It's a reverse intervention. We don't like sober Ben right now.

What if that was literally the whole point of the show? These cameras aren't on. A sinnervention? Yeah. Come on. We need a little more wild times. Guys, we need a dinnervention. Hey.

How is that not a show on the Cooking Network? The dinnervention. The dinnervention. She's been serving the same stuff every week. Your carrots hurt me in the following ways. Look, I know I say this, and I said this last time you were on Dumb People Town. And I think you had just come out with it. But the 97.9 The Rat Race is one of my favorite other podcasts.

One of the few that I listen to outside of it. Dan, your episode was so goddamn good. Unbelievable. You all were amazing. I loved ours, too. Yeah. I mean, I'm not blowing smoke just because I'm here. No, I know you.

These two episodes are so good. And your accent. Your accent. And when the car gets blown up. Don't give it away. No reason to worry about it. No reason to worry about it. So I want you to listen to the show.

Bookmark it. Do it. We'll talk about all this stuff later. I got stories. We got dumb stuff to get into. And I got the first story. Let me do this right here. Okay.

First story sent in by, I don't think this person has sent it in before. And I love the name Deco Resources, LLC at Deco underscore resources. Is this your wife? No. It seems like a decoration. name deco resources LLC at deco underscore resources. Is this your wife? No, I like a decoration or art deco.

I don't know, but whoever it is, is sending us this dumb story from there. I want this guy's name to be Arthur. It's a guy. It could be a woman. Arthur deco. It feels like a company that, that like poisons groundwater or something like that.

Deco Resources. I don't know, man. That was a large class action scene. Against Deco Resources. They spilled dioxin into the creek. Deco Resources sounds like the villainous company in Beverly Hills Cop 5. Exactly. Get them out of Deco. Victor Havlos.

All right. Yeah. All right. Yeah. All right. So you ready for this? Here's the headline. Jonathan Banks. North Catholic counselor loses job after students get crystals from self-proclaimed witches. Wait.

Hold on. Did you go to Catholic school? Did you go? Yeah. You did? Give it to me one more time. You will love this, Ben. I'm so happy you're here. My son just started Catholic high go yeah you did give it to me one more time you will love this ben i'm so happy my son just started catholic okay wait give this to me one more time north catholic counselor so a person is a counselor at north catholic loses job at

north catholic high school after students get crystals from self-proclaimed witches now which is kind of some shade to the witches. Right. Because they might have certifications. I'm going to get into this, and I'm so happy you went to a Catholic school. You never went to a Catholic school ever? There's just a school. Right. It's just Rochelle Township High School. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There wasn't a lot of choices in Rochelle Township.

What was the name of your high school? I went to public high school, but my grade school, middle school, was called Holy Infant Jesus. Stop. It was called the H, middle school was called Holy Infant Jesus. Stop. It was called the H.I.J. H.I.J. Holy Infant Jesus. Holy Infant Jesus.

Holy Infant Jesus. It sounds like an exclamation. By the way, you're going to be saying that several times in the middle of this. Holy Infant Jesus. Here we go. All right. Pittsburgh. K.D.K.A.

A coven of self-proclaimed witches and crystals. Witches and hosts. a coven of self-proclaimed witches and crystals, which is in host and witches and witches and crystals and crystals with a lead special powers led to a local Catholic high school counselor, apparently losing her job. The women who owned elemental magic spelled M a G I C K. Yes. Why did they need? Oh, because that's the way you spell them

thank you druid type magic these are things i don't know not not david blaine robes not rabbits yeah exactly thank you dan yeah thanks for the distinction elemental mad robes not rabbits robe magic by the way robes not rabbits would be a better name for this card. They should call it Robes Not Rabbits. For God's sake. In Sea Wickley, that sounds like a magical name. That's the township. Identify themselves as witches. Okay.

Nonetheless, they were invited to speak at a local Catholic high school, resulting in a firestorm pitting Catholics versus pagan beliefs. Now, look, I do think a lot of bullshit like religious zeals in our fucking world, right? However, you still have to know your audience. There's so many people screwed up in this thing. At all that a Catholic school is up in arms over witches selling crystals to kids. If you are the counselor of a Catholic school, understand what you can, who you can and can't invite to the school. It's the most know your audience ever.

You want the witches or do we pay the extra money for it? This is a classic rookie witch move. You know what I mean? It's clearly a group of witches. Got a hold of some product. This is I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out with no training. That's right. And that's why there's a top tier there's a top down right

the witches could have stopped this and they're getting pressure from witches corporate they're like you guys aren't moving these crystals they're getting there how many crystals have you moved this month dude they're getting get out into the catholic schools you just start moving that crystal on tap market yeah they're getting pressure from deco resources now in the in in like the break room at at deco resources which is i'm sure where they were at magic they're like you'll never believe what penelope i know dude they went to a catholic school to try to push crystals but they were booked by the principal right counselor so but he's obviously going through isn't that. But he's obviously going through a divorce. Isn't that what you say? She's going through a divorce.

And these group of women have helped her through her life change. And so she was like, what? It's divorce. No, they live in the split-level townhome complex. They met at the pool. She let them touch her nipple once. Just for a minute. And she got weirdly aroused.

And she's like, I believe a little bit in magic. The three women say they're Wiccans, a coven of witches. And for the past seven years, which I'm sure that's significant for some reason. By the way, isn't that what you say about a salesman? I mean, this guy can sell crystals to Catholics. You know what I'm saying? I can sell crystals. That's how good of a salesman he is.

That's a great salesperson, right? They've been selling crystals, skulls, and scented candles. They believe to be, scented candles, why is that? They believe to be imbued with special powers from their store. Now, that is loose. Right, from the store. But like, my daughters love to buy crystals for people, and they're like, if you, this one is for,

and my wife will be like, I'm lighting this green candle for wealth and whatever. And I'm just like, okay. This is how you end up at Bernie. Hey, you know what happened after that? This is how you end up at Bernie. Thanks for lighting the well. You're three scented candles away from being on the playa. If your kids are passing crystals around, you don't need to tell me you've been to Bernie.

Yeah. Light the scented candle. What happened after that? We went into a writer's strike. Nice job. Contrary to popular impressions, impressions these witches this is so funny say they conjure no dark forces so they're here to tell you yeah we're in the light we're selling crystals and candles wizard of oz has a good witch yeah robes not rabbits guys let's do this all right you know they added the skulls part just to make these women seem worse than they are like if it's just crystals and scented candles that's not a big deal but you add the skulls and just to make these women seem worse than they are like if it's just crystals

and scented candles that's not a big deal but you add the skulls they're like there's right right i love that catholics get sanctimonious about like skulls it's too much but the the blood of christ iconography of a crucified man sure bleeding from his wounds okay so i'm glad you're getting into this we'll get into this a little bit later because i think that's important too but like skulls are like we's important too. But like, skulls are like, we don't know, they could be baby skulls from the babies they suck the blood from. It says that? No, I'm just kidding. Oh, okay.

How about how outraged you got? Tabitha Latshaw. This is what Tabitha Latshaw had to say. No, absolutely. We don't believe in that. We worship as Wiccans. We worship nature, so our elements are air, earth, water, and fire. That's what we worship as wiccans we worship nature so our elements are air earth water and fire that's what we worship yeah thanks and tabitha's like the best witch or wiccan name ever right yeah it's like

such a wicked wasn't that bewitched right yes yes there you go that sounds right there we go was samantha but the baby i the baby might have been tabitha. Maybe. Possibly. Aaron's going to yell it out in a second. I know he is. Just before Christmas break, a career and college counselor at North Catholic High School. First of all, don't be calling these women around right before Christmas either. Even as a Jew, I know that that's a bad call. That's a big time of year. Right?

At North Catholic High School, invited the women to speak about starting a small business in front of her marketing class of a junior of junior and senior students. Hey, you want to start a business? How about these pagans over here? All right. Oh my gosh.

All, all went okay until they gifted each student a crystal. This does sound like act one of the next Hocus Pocus. Dan, I watched Hocus Pocus too. And I, I watched Hocus Pcus 2 and i i watched hocus pocus 2 dan okay i'm gonna say this okay and i had to contain myself from calling you to be like how in the world did you ever like hocus pocus 1 it was great dan dan hocus pocus 2 erases

everything that you loved about what are you yeah what Who are you? He loves Hocus Pocus. Dan, have you seen Just Add Magic? Zachary Binks is the greatest cat of all time. Dan, have you seen Just Add Magic? Don't get us into the Sandlot argument, okay? People got mad at us because we said the Sandlot sucks. Fuck the Sandlot. They're still mad at you, man. I don't care.

One of them's right here. All right, look. Stop it, Dan. You're better than that. That's where we kind of got it. We get off the rails, said Michelle Peduto, the secretary for Catholic schools. Wait, that's when it got off the rails? When they gifted the crystals to the girls.

They gifted the crystals to the girls. Oh, that one freaked. As soon as this woman saw three Stevie Nicks impersonators come walking in the door. That's when it went off the rails. Not when you gifted them the thing. The first, hey, what do we have in here for a program? These three Wiccans are going to come and talk to our kids.

To me, if there were Satanists who ran a great taco truck, we want to talk to you guys about opening up your own business. The tacos are so good. A taste of the nether, the down low. How good would a Satanist taco truck? How about that devil sauce? I don't know if it's in here, but you know this is going to end up in a

open to the public school board meeting. Oh, God. And I hope Chad and JT go and bust it up. Cross promotion. Right before Christmas, guys, first of all, I want to give all the glory to the man downstairs. This is what the taco truck people do. The students in the class felt that things were

off, so they did go directly to the administrators. Wait, the students. Why? Because they tried to sell them crystals? They can't. They probably knew they were bunk. Right. These are bad crystals.

I thought these crystals were going to give me powers, man. Kids from a public school selling shit crystals to private school kids. That's pretty cool coven stuff. That is good coven stuff. Crystal method. to like private school kids that's pretty cool coven stuff that is good crystal method uh over break the administration conducted an investigation consulted with the diocese you know that that's oh good let's get this old white dude into this and sent an email of apology to parents and advising them to return or dispose of the crystal This is where it like becomes footloose.

Just let the fucking people have the crystals. Like there's nothing wrong. Don't get the devil crystal, the witch crystal out of there. And advising them to recite the prayer of St. Michael, the archangel. Do you know that prayer? No. Thank you.

Nope. To cleanse their homes. Michelle Peduto, the diocesan director of education said, they have no place in a Catholic school or household. Sheehan said there was an understanding that the crystals had powers and that is antithetical to the church's teaching. Bill Davenport said, why can't we hire Jim Caviezel to come talk to us kids? Bob O'Halloranahan said, I want a bar downstairs. Wait, what?

Bob? In my house, I want a bar. And during the day, it should be a Starbucks. Hey, we're doing an article about- That's my time. I yield my time. I yield my time to the rest of the board. Paduto said, it is because we know our faith is in jesus christ the infant baby infant

holy holy infant jesus christ our faith in jesus christ and not in objects necessarily rosary beads other than other than these beads in this rosary beads yes but crystals no okay so it's wine and other horribles right carton board rosary beads these small circular type things that are attached to it yeah this is the scene from The Jerk. No things carry any power except these beads and these crackers which are the body of Christ. And this crucifix, that.

Other than that, nothing else. The holy water and the sacrament and the rosary beads. And then the stations of the cross. But that's it. And those candles that are lit. And the frankincense and the my cross. But that's it. And those candles that are lit. And the frankincense and the myrrh, and that's it. And these three nails that represent the nails.

Yes. But that's it. But nothing else. But your Wiccan crystals are destroying everything. Yeah. How dare those. The tabernacle, too. But that's it.

That's it. That's it. And Mary's organ. Okay, but fine. But that's it. Get these witches out of here. You leave Mary's organ. But I get these witches out of here. You leave Mary's organ. They told them to either return to the school or dispose of it.

And they're also telling them to say the St. Michael Archangel in the house. God made these. This is what let Latchaw says. God made these. They came from the earth. That's all I can say. This is what the Wiccan said.

So I love that the Wiccan still believes in God. And she got that off of Wiccanpedia. That right come on there should be a wiccan i'm googling it to see if it exists look up wiccan look up wiccanpedia if it's not i want you to go to go daddy or whatever is relevant now and buy it so but this is where the world gets dumb okay this is where i get upset so she had this person she hired she had these three women who i'm assuming again three women that was dumb dumb she made it a little bit dumb for them to take the gig dumb for them to take the dumb for them to give out the crystals and say that the crystals have magical powers you don't need to say that you can give everyone a crystal just

say hey this is from our shop don't say that they have magical powers like everybody screwed up along the way that should be it maybe you call the woman in and say hey you got to use better judgment when you move down the road know your audience you can do whatever you want but like this is the way we this school views this thing right here and that's it by the way is there a wiccanpedia there is a wiccanpedia it's a flicker it's a flicker but but of course that should be it but for the counselor it's like a website that doesn't work the fallout did not end there but like we think witches by the way and wiccans are like in the black hat with the flowy black green face and the jewish nose like we all think that right i mean those are your words yeah i know but i'm

telling you like you guys think that wiccans are just, you know, Stevie Nicks fans. Thank you. Yeah. In, like, white wife beater shirts and, like, and shorts. Why are they in white beater? I'm looking at pictures of Wiccans, and it's just constantly, like, white tank tops,

and, like, they look like they're on their, and hiking shoes. They all look like juggalos. Those are, that's what you're, Those are juggalos. No, no, that's an Indigo Girls concert. I don't know what I'm looking at. We followed our process and protocol, and as

of today, actually a few days, she is not with the school anymore. The counselor is gone. Well, I know where she's going to start working, over at the El Risto. You know what? She's in a, I tell you what, she's in a, like a concrete cast. You know what I mean? In in an overpass if i'm her

jersey if i'm her i'm putting spells on this place like nobody's business i like that you throw the dark crystals at them the tsa gag like she could have just given the positive they're positive crystals and just been like i snuck some positive crystals on them and now they're walking around with it and having a good day, and they think God did it? Not realizing it's Gaia. Power of crystal. It's Gaia.

So KDKA-TV's Andy Sheehan spoke with the counselor involved and said she was placed on administrative leave after the incident and then given the option to resign. That's when someone's like, get out of here. You have the option to resign. You're out. She like get out of here yeah you have the option to resign you're out she said she has no intention of imparting that had no intention of imparting the beliefs of these women on the students of north catholic she's not a bad person and of course yeah like everything the catholic church takes it too far i mean or sweeps it under the

rug but it relocate her yeah you've relocated a lot worse. Can I say that? Move this counselor to another Catholic school. Oh, my God. Slam dunk. I love it. We've relocated a lot worse. And that is the first thing. When we come back from break, we'll let you guys know what we have going on. And then much later in the show, Dan and Ben.

Ben's got a special out. We'll talk about all that stuff. It's Dumb People Town with Ben Roy. Don't go nowhere. I mean, don't go anywhere. Just stay where you are. Stick around. Make it sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Before we get into the second story, we should just let people know. Supersclars.com, right? Yes. Is where you can catch us and do all the things and see us doing the things that we love to do. I believe when this is coming out, we're going to give some distance

because Ben Roy did our fantastic show, View from the Cheap Seats, and I want to give a little bit. So we get a bite of the apple of what his thing, and we'll talk about that in a little bit. But if this comes out before September 13th or the 18th, we have a show on the 13th that Ben did last night as we're recording this at

the Comedy Store in the Belly Room called Tag It. So fun. I'm going to tell people, if you haven't been to this, you have to go to this show. It's amazing. It's so fun and so silly. You did your hilarious set of comedy, which was, by the way, so awesome and so different from everybody's set. And we just wrote tags. And then they come out and they tag but there was so many slam dunk oh i'll keep this is a uso helicopter one but but uh there were so many slam

dunks on so many of those those other comedians yeah we had some great ones and it's just the energy in the room is great so our comedians do their sets we do the pitch them tags so we're doing on the 13th at the which is a wednesday at the comedy store in the belly room 18th at largo 13th has fitzsimmons and ian carmel and jamie lee and melissa via senor it's great and then uh 18th at largo is going to have kumail nanjiani uh patten oswald another big special guest that's unannounced but we'll be there and maybe one or two other people. So superschoolers.com, check that out. Come see us. We'd love to see you live.

Dan, let's get into a second story. Awesome. Ready? Yep. Man buys large billboard in Yongdundus Square to trade single cheese string. What? Sent by Josh Mount at Josh Mount, M-O-U-A-T. Wait, so he's trying to use a billboard to sell one?

No, to trade. If you've been to Yong, Y-O-N-A-T. Wait, so he's trying to use a billboard to sell one? No, to trade. If you've been to Yong, Y-O-N-G-E. Y-O-N-G-E, Yong. Yong. Yeah, Yong. In Dundas Square this week, you may have noticed something strange. A large billboard advertising a single black diamond cheese string up for trade. What's a cheese string?

Yeah. I think it's just string cheese. String cheese. String cheese. The thing you. This comes from globalnews.ca. Okay. Thank you.

I don't even know where Yonge and Dundas is. Isn't that the one that's in the center of Toronto? Toronto. It's like their... Yonge Street and Dundas. It's like their Times Square. Yonge and Dundas. Yeah.

Yeah. We know it. Yeah, it is like their Times Square. Toronto, eh? Toronto, eh? You got to buy that big cheese. I was down on Dundas. You don't let that go, though.

You know, I mean, cheese like that. This is what it looks like. I was down on Dundas, and that go, though. You know, I mean, cheese like that. This is what it looks like. I was down on Dundas, and I saw they're selling one of those. So you want to trade a string cheese, but you have money to pay for this? Dan, I didn't even know that trading string cheese is a thing. I'll trade you mine. Haven't you ever seen that stuff where people see what they can trade up to, and they start at something very innocuous?

It's like the world's white elephant. And then they just keep trading up and trading up to like. Is that what happens? If you've been to Yonadundra Square this week, you may have noticed a black diamond cheese string up for trade. Angel Domingo. Not a witch. Okay.

Who bought the advertising space said he found the cheese string in the refrigerator of his new home when he moved to Toronto. This is like when you go to an Airbnb or even like a hotel fridge and there's still something in there yeah throw it away or if it's fully packaged you eat it is it how's the quality of it look in the photo i mean it looks a little bit it looks right it looks like it has i mean there's an image quality loss but that looks like a double that's like a twist twist. No, that's a twist. That's why. It's a cheddar and an American Jack. Yeah.

It's a Colby Jack. Colby Jack. It's a Colby Jack. Now, this is. Okay. At first, I thought it was insane. You're back. Now, he's like.

We're talking a Colby Jack. Yeah, we're talking about a Colby Jack. I mean, he's like, I'll trade a Pontiac Fiero for that. This is what the ad says, guys. I know. For trade, one cheese string. Accepting trades for one cheese string. Marble flavor.

Still in original packaging. No low balls. Still in original packaging like it's a Star Wars action figure. No low balls. I know what I have. And did he have to say no fat chicks? I love the idea of like an antique road show, just appraising. Can you tell us how you came to know him?

Well, my grandfather. He was in my grandfather's attic. It was always a doorstop. It was helping keep the attic door. A draft dodger. He was a Civil War buff. This is not the original packaging. I'm looking at some of the, exactly, some of the fonts.

And these are fonts that came along a lot later. Now, we priced this through where we have. And, I mean, has anybody appraised it for you? No, I have no idea. So, you have no clue. So, our appraiser sat down and said it is worth next to nothing. Now, it has been out of the fridge. More than nothing.

Just on this show, it has been out of the fridge for an hour. So, now it contains diseases. There's two antique road shows stories that are two of my favorites. One of them is a TikTok. I think I could send it to you. The first one is a guy got out of Vietnam, bought himself a Rolex watch, and put it in his bank safe deposit box. Never touched it.

Never touched it. Sat there for 40 years. Then he took it to an antiques road show, and it worth i think like eighty thousand dollars yeah they're like the because it was a rare type that he didn't know that it was a you know limited i like it yes yeah yeah so then um the other one is this elderly woman she's probably 87 years old they're like in pennsylvania and he and she's standing next to the guy and in between the two of them is like a little decorative plate right with a dog on it and he goes can you tell us what what you have here and she says well when i was 11 years old it was like you know 1941

1904 when i was 11 years old um a man tried to kidnap me. And our family dog jumped the fence and attacked the man. And I was saved. And it got written up in the local paper. And then the governor invited us to the governor's mansion to the capital or whatever. And she goes, and they had a commemorative plate made for our family dog. And he was named Dog of the Year. So this dates to like 1941, and he was named Dog of the Year, and my family's kept it ever since.

And the guy goes, okay, well, we've taken a look at it. It is not worth any money. And the woman just kind of goes, oh. And he's like, no, but to you, it's priceless. And like, you should never get rid of it. Well, he saved me. And she's like, all right, all right. Why are you getting it appraised?

That carries no value to anybody else at all. I don't think you understand. Your memories are worth nothing to the general public. They're worth everything to you and nothing to the world. This cheese stick is a commemorative dog plate. You got a 75-year-old plate with a dog on it. That's what you've got. All right.

Good. But that woman came in like, this is going to be worth like a million. She came in hot. He saved me. He's on the paper. It was dog of the year. How many of those are there? There's only one each year.

I don't think you heard. He saved me. Dog of the year. Of the year yeah how many of those are there there's only one each year i don't think you heard he saved me dog of the year of the year i'm gonna kidnap your hearts with this story of the year okay so he goes i moved into the place in toronto i found the tree string he told global news why are they covering this i have no idea global he regularly trades items on resale websites such as kid gg i don't know and decided he would try to do the same with this piece of cheese domingo said he's used to trading vehicles car parts or furniture on resale websites but said the market is filled up with all kinds of strange things this is probably the strangest thing that i've ever had to offer up somebody told me it's not that strange

it's not woman farts in jar and sells there was a viral person who started with a paperclip and I think got all the way up to a car, like trading people. Because at one point they would get like a skateboard and somebody was like, oh my God, that skateboard is actually worth a few hundred dollars. I'll trade you this old laptop. So they're just lucky. And they just, yeah, they just keep putting it out like I'm willing to trade, willing to trade until they get a car. That's unbelievable. I'm willing to trade, willing to trade until they got a car. That's unbelievable.

Somebody told me I wouldn't be able to get anything for it and nobody would want it. But I guess some people really want it. Domingo said since the billboard went up, he's been receiving offers in droves. Not a word you see. I received a lot of offers. That's idiotic. Some people are calling me again because the first offer they had wasn't good enough. I think most anybody had to offer me was two Persian cats. What?

Now, that is somebody, they don't want the string cheese. They just don't want these cats. Yeah, exactly. This guy's offering one stick of string cheese. I'm just throwing the pussies at him. Domingo said as thursday afternoon he had not accepted any offers no i've been telling anybody the same thing when they ask me what i'm looking for it's like you'll know it when you see it so hold out tipper gore and so if if if he gets the

persian cats and i'm the people who give the persian cats up as I'm walking away, as I'm literally out the door, I say, they really love string cheese. And I just walk out of there. They only eat that. They love it. Colby Jack. He said he hasn't heard the right offer yet. There's been a lot of offers, and a lot of it's just fluff.

You're the one offering string cheese. The most fluffy thing I've heard. I don't think you're in a position to say what's fluff or not. There hasn't been any quality, he said. D said he's dead paid a lot of money to put the put the billboard up but would not disclose the total amount he said the contract for the advertising space is only for a few weeks worth it according to domingo the cheese string is still editable with its expiry date still a few months out black diamond string cheese are widely available at most grocery store locations how do we know that that's okay how do we know that that's the original one

in the thing you could have bought a whole pack right and just traded a whole bunch of people thank you nobody would know no one would know one of the reasons i wanted to do the story one ridiculous the dumbest thing that would happen in dumb people time yeah if anyone in toronto can tell me what this ended up going for. Or if they traded for it. Like, now get in the game. Can you get an offer? But the thing is, now this is famous.

Like, now this has increased its trade-in value. It's a Banksy. Yeah. I would trade it for just a regular mozzarella cheese stick. You would go straight up? One cheese for cheese. An eye for an eye. You don't think he'd go for that? No, there's two cheeses and it's twisted i found this in the outside fridge of the place that i

just left come on that's story number two my friend that is just stupidity dumb hilarious is too but all right jay can you give us just a small smidgen yes i taste of what we're going to hear in segment three. If you're going to steal stuff from someone's porch, best get ready. You better have a better disguise. That's okay. Good to know. That's good to know. All right, that's story three.

We'll find out about Ben's special, and we'll find out what Dan's got going on right after this. It's Dumb People Town with Ben Roy. Stick around. Look us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey more hey guys welcome back to the show before jay takes us home uh daniel and before we talk about ben's special dan uh where can people see you and i know you're in the middle of it i'll be at high plains comedy festival september like 21st something like that and then i'm also headlining

the yuck festival in Boston on October 20th. But in addition to that, if you're in anywhere in the Midwest, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and then in the South Texas and the East Coast, I've got like 25 dates coming up. Everything's at danielvankirk.com. All leading up to my special and album recording on 1111 at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago. That's Saturdayurday night go to daniel van kirk away.com and if you come out to the show and you're a townie bring a headline because i kick off the show by uh asking if anybody has one and then we'll goof around a little bit and then i'll bring out the host so i'd love to see townies out there i got a headline for you it's a young young buck over here releases stand-up special on YouTube and it does really well. It goes wild.

It's called Hyena. It's on YouTube and it's amazing and we told all of our fans on View from the Cheap Seas to go check it out and now we're telling you dumb people town fans this is a great way to support comics certainly during a writer's strike and an actor's strike. He put this

out himself. It is on YouTube. What do you do? I put it out with 800 pound gorilla, 800 pound gorilla. Sorry. You put it out with them. Yep. But the goal is to try to get it as many views as possible. Positive reviews, give it a thumbs up, watch it, share it with friends. That is how we help comics like him and like us who knows down the line, get our shows up in the world. We create a network of people who support comedy, and then that launches. You all are the best. I love you.

I love you. I'm so happy you're here. Yeah. Thanks. I'm psyched. I'm psyched for this. Hyena. Hyena.

Easy to remember. Hyena. Hyena filmed at one of the best comedy clubs in the country, Comedy Works downtown. Beautiful Comedy Works Denver downtown. And they built you a special background for it. Yeah, it's cool. Love it. They did an amazing job. All right. Comedy Works. That's it. Yeah, it's cool. It's all, they did an amazing job.

All right. Comedy Works. That's it. We got to get it. All right. I want this next story. I want to bring it home. Let's bring it, Jay.

Bring us home. TPD, which I don't know what that stands for. I think Tulsa Police Department. Yeah, that probably is. Man arrested after being recognized wearing underwear as mask in porch pirate cases. Okay. Cases. Cases. Wear a regular mask. Like our masks are still easy to get. wearing underwear as mask in porch pirate cases okay cases cases wear regular masks like our masks are still easy to get underwear yeah have you had shit stolen from from your house that

was delivered yes oh yeah yeah yeah i don't know why nobody yes recently on their face i don't know why that makes me so mad it makes me so it's such a violation it's like it's yeah i just hate that like thieving things thieving is bad and thieving from your porch is really bad but if you're gonna do it don't wear underwear on your face like a dummy that's that's your steal up steal from walmart no i'm just that's what i think too is like amazon you don't even know what you're getting no like oh you wanted this kitty litter? Yeah, exactly. Here's this clay that I have to give my dog so his shit is known. Open it up.

Look in there. You might go, oh, I don't need deodorant. Yeah, have at those dishwasher pods, you dumbass. We should start a deal where once you get in the car and open it and you realize what it is, if you really can't use it or sell it, bring it back. Yes. Bring it back and say I'm sorry to my ring.

Take the underwear off your face and say you're sorry. So Tulsa Police Department has arrested an alleged porch pirate with an unusual and questionably effective mask. The Tulsa Police Department has arrested. Okay, here we go. They said that they were made aware of a porch pirate case in West Tulsa on January 6th. We all remember what happened on January 6th. We all remember what happened on January 6th. I remember on that porch on January 6th.

This guy had plans. Stormed the porch. Got raided. Stormed the porch. Porch storming. Porch of a big white house. According to TPT, they were provided with surveillance images of the suspect and the flock safety system.

What is a flock safety system? Probably like a ring. it just must be a company ring camera yeah i just every time you keep saying the uh acronym for this police department it's just our initials backwards and so i keep dpt it is yeah oh wow it's dumb people town which would be what would happen in dumb people town if if the sheriff or the city council president was dyslexic. So they accidentally ordered all of these Dumb People Town. Welcome back to TPD. And I like that backwards, it's Town People Dumb.

Town People Dumb. Which also works. Yeah, which works. Town People Dumb. It's almost how Yoda would introduce himself. Yeah, that's right. Town People Dumb. Town People Dumb.

would introduce it. Yeah, that's right. Some people do. Some people don't. TPD, DPT, also said that an officer recognized the suspect from previous porch pirate cases where the suspect was wearing women's underwear. Women's. Probably a thong, you dumbass. Just one little thing over your nose.

Does it show the image? It didn't, but like. They were skims. And skims are so good. People are loving skims. They... They were skims. And skims are so good. People are loving skims. You know, what a... It's the high waist. What a Hanes-ish crime.

I know. It is a Hanes-ish crime. I think some real big charges are looming. Come on. I'm crushing it, guys. You're being fruity right now. There we go. Look, they cracked the case.

All right. Daniel, come on. He was strapped. He was strapped. He was stra now. They cracked the case. Daniel, come on. He was strapped. He was strapped. He did a shit job. Snappy. TPD, they went to the suspect's home west of downtown. It's nothing but a G-string baby. They went to the suspect's home. That should have been the title.

If it was the New York Post. Ain't nothing but a G-string baby. You knew that would have been the title in the New York Post. Ain't nothing but a G-string baby. You knew that would have been the title in the New York Post. Ain't nothing but a G-string baby. According to TPD, they went to the suspect's home, which is west of downtown Tulsa, knocked on the door, and saw the suspect. This guy's name. Still wearing them? Still going on his head.

What's his name? Give me it. This is the most the guy who would put underwear on his face let's hear it elroy what do you guess elroy jeffrey hibbingston i'm gonna say it's um oh god herbert uh dinkerton you guys you're close in your own way really Really? He is. Sebastian. You think it's Sebastian? Sebastian Lastic.

Ready? Spencer Googler. Oh! The Gooks! You know they were watching. Are we going to Gooks' house this weekend? Gooks has been on a tear lately. Gooks will just get crazy and put his girlfriend's underwear on his face.

Gooks is out, dude. Gooks sounds like a guy who brought food into 97.9 The Rat Race. That's it. That's the big one. Gooks coming in with the lasagna. It's just about 25 minutes. We got Gooks for Bleacher Sports Bar. What time is it right now? He's going to be coming in. As you know, it Bleacher Sports Bar. What time is it right now?

He's going to be coming in. As you know, it is lasagna. Give us a time check right now. It's 25 minutes past. It's 14 until a quarter before 15 past the hour. A beautiful morning in the metro. What's the traffic out on the I-76? The 71 in the Beltway corridor are closed right now.

Are they closed? What's going on with that underwear thief, the porch pirate? Oh, the Googs? Yeah, the Googs is still out there. No one's caught him yet. Of course, Metro PD is saying they're on the case right now. This is a tough one. Especially when you...

Never mind. All right. Okay, so they go to his house. They knock on his door. Googs. TPD said Googler remained inside the home and would not talk to officers. Oh, my God. Googler barricaded himself.

I love that the Googs forced their hand. Also, I love that a guy who steals things off people's porches has now got a problem on his own front porch. With police on his porch. Yeah, yeah. He's like, hey, you know what? You shouldn't be here. It is a violation. This is my porch.

You guys are making me feel very victimized by coming onto my property against my will. Yes, I put underwear on my face. And yes, I stole other people's items. But you know what? You're making me very angry right now. Goose. Goose.

According to TPD, a search warrant for the home was obtained and signed. After the warrant was signed, Guler exited the home. TBD said Guler was arrested and booked for how many counts of larceny? How many times did he take it to the porch? Take it to the porch. Are you asking us to guess? I'm asking you to guess. You're going?

You can go first. Get inside the Googs' mind. How many did he get away with before they got him that's the way they're charging yeah i mean how many do they have on record god i don't want to um because it is the closest without going over no okay okay 11 that's my guess 27 counts of larceny seven get. Get your answers in. One of you is pretty close. Okay. Shout out your ham radios. The Googs was arrested and booked for five counts of larceny.

Wow! Googs didn't get far. Every time he stole something, he just yelled at the porch, Google it, Google it. What you just said is the first line of his eulogy. You know, the Googs didn't get far. Googs never fulfilled his prophecy as he had laid it out. The Googs ended up on the porch of life.

I'm going to give you an acronym. Googler it. I'm going to give you an acronym for the crime and see if you guys can guess it. This is a new game. We've never done this before. I'm going to give you the acronym and see if you can guess related to the theft okay okay kcsp what does that stand for kcsp kcsp kc s and it is related to the crime okay it is an acronym the k i can't get i can't get clepto like but but i doubt that that would be a legal term keeping stolen kcsp keeping keeping contraband or stolen props where do you something what'd you

say keeping control of stolen substance keeping controlled substance what is it kc keeping keeping control of stolen property that's so good that's so good keeping control keeping you guys have two of them right you have two of them right I want you to keep guessing

knowingly yes knowingly it's KC knowingly you have KS and P You're right. Knowingly. It's KC? KC. Knowingly. Knowingly. You have KS&P.

You have KS&P right. Knowingly. Well, and I love KS&P. That's a great station. I love KS&P. I love KS&P. Is it old country now? Is it new country?

It had a big format change down there. Knowingly. They're still reeling. Carrying stolen property. Knowingly carrying stolen property. Oh, knowingly carrying stolen.. Carrying stolen property. Oh, knowingly carrying stolen. Knowingly what stolen property. Oh, God, that's tough. Knowingly.

There are townies yelling at their phone. Yeah, exactly. Think of a law connected. I'll give you a hint. I'll give you a hint. Conspiring. No. Think of a law associated with weapons.

Contraband. Concealing. No, it's really concealing. Aaron yelled it. Aaron, we're just hearing all the boys go, KCSB if you're nasty. Grand larceny. That's story number three. There you go.

There you go. That was a good one. That was so fun. And I love that we got a little bit of the old rat race on here. That's a good one. That was so fun, and I love that we got a little bit of the old rat race on here. Well, that's a big one, and you always want to make sure, guys, if you're planning on coming down to Eek at the Creek Six this weekend, it's going to be a big weekend. Of course, our friends from Dark Star Brewing are going to have some of their hard ciders.

Are they going to have some of the soft ciders? They're bringing some of their soft ciders for the kiddos and some of the hard ciders for some of the parents. So make sure you bundle up, though. It's going to be a cold one out there. Hey, soft-siders for the kids. You got soft-siders. It's a family affair. I love it so much.

Put that underwear on your nose and come on up to the front porch. The Googler. The Googler. Holy infant Jesus, the Googler. Holy infant Jesus, the Googler is here. The name of the special is Hyena. He's Ben Roy. Watch it, review it, pass it along.

We love you guys so much. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Peace.