Dumb People Town - Ben Schwartz - Cokebusters

Episode Date: July 17, 2018

This week, Ben Schwartz joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, an SUV is torched for being too loud. In Story #2, someone calls the cops to complain that he had been sold bad drugs. In Story #3, a man is arrested for fighting his own reflection in a bar window. Check out Ben's movies An Actor Prepares and Blue Iguana, out this August! And stick around at the end of the episode for a taste of Daniel's new podcast, Pen Pals with Daniel & Rory!

It's a good show! Hey Townies, it's me, Daniel Van Kirk. Thank you for listening to the show. I love that you're here. I want to tell you about another podcast that I'm doing. Maybe you haven't heard of it, maybe you have. It's called Pen Pals with me and Rory Scovel. We get letters sent

in from you guys. So many Townies are already doing it. And then we just read the letters back to you. That's our response. It's your podcast. We just talk about it. Stick around because at the end of this episode, there's going to be a little sample, a little teaser of what Rory and I are doing. It's a really, really fun show and another great opportunity for me to get to interact with all of you guys. So I hope you'll listen to it. If you like it, come over, listen to the full episode, rate, review, and subscribe so that you can keep hearing more pen pals and become

a pen pal with me and Rory. Thanks. In Florida, there's half-price mail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Vendors, don't be a jerk Cause when the music, which the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound

On your downies, Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to, it's Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population to you. Population Schwartz. Ben Schwartz, you are with us today. Welcome to town. Thank you for joining us in the town.

Please. Thank you so much. So lovely to be in this town. What a lovely town you guys have built. It's lovely and dumb. Stick around for a minute. Stick around for a minute and you'll start to feel. So dumb it gets.

Okay, of course. We were talking with you before we even got on air saying, you know, we do believe the world is getting dumber or dumb is fighting smart and dumb is just beating it with dumb strength. Yeah. Smart is a bunny and dumb is just petting it too hard right now. Stop petting the bunny. Eyes are on the outside. So we know that's happening. There's only one way to sort of fight back against that,

and that is through comedy. Dan gets these amazing stories. Welcome back, everybody, from the 4th of July. I hope everybody had a nice 4th of July. Wow, the big break. What did you guys do in this big break? I had a kidney stone. Hey!

You peed out? You peed out? And then I puked so hard that I popped blood vessels in both my eyes. Oh, my God. You LeBron'd your eyes. I'm LeBron. I'm one of the X-Men.

It's fantastic. He needs a hobby. He popped a vessel in one eye, and then he invited Draymond Green to poke him in the eye. That makes sense. He poked me in the other eye, yeah. Wait, did you pee it out? I did pee it out. How painful?

Way more painful before it was coming out. It was up in my, when it was painful, my back. This is a story. This is a story, Jay. This is a story. This would be a story if Jay then realized he had like 27 worms growing in my back. This is a story. This is a story, Jay. This is a story. This would be a story if Jay then realized he had like 27 worms growing in his eye. That was disgusting. Because I was hanging out on the farm.

No, but I did have Grace and Alan trip me right before I. Oh, very cool. Lovely. You had a big week. You acted like it wasn't that big of a deal, but three celebrities fucked with you. Happy birthday, America. Happy birthday, America. Christ.

Did you do anything fun? Crazy? No, I didn't do anything crazy for Fourth of July. I don't even remember what I did. I feel like I really didn't do much at all. All right, well, you're here.

I did. This is part of the extended celebration. I have been stretching since the fourth for this. So we're ready. So Dan gets great stories sent to us by our lovely townies

all over the place. I don't even know why we're waiting to get into one. Dan, let's get into a story right away. It seems silly, Dan. Here we go. Two minutes in. Let to get into one. Dan, let's get into a story right away. It seems silly, Dan. Here we go. Two minutes in.

Let's get into it. This was sent in by Tim E at Timothy I underscore limited LTV. This I don't understand, but I kind of love. And I also say that you guys read it. I read it. Let's get into the story. This is from Tim E at team email. Tim E at Gmail.

We got to give credit, Ben. We got to give credit, Ben. We got to give credit where credit is due. Timothy E-Y-E underscore L-T-D. Timothy I is limited. Maybe he works at the Limited. Oh, stop. What's the Limited? The Limited was an old store in women's clothing.

I hate that we spent time on that. All right, let's go. Police. You asked the question. Say, a Livonia man. That's Michigan. That's Michigan. That's go. Police say a Livonia man That's Michigan. That's an affluent suburb in between

Ann Arbor on its way to West Farmington Hills, Novi. Novi, which is number six. Has this been hit before? Has this town been hit before with dumb stories? No. A lot of stories you can imagine come from Florida. And some come from Oregon and Washington.

So it's actually a nice, pleasant surprise. Let's see what this Livonian man has to say. Police say a Livonian man admitted to torching a sport utility vehicle one night last month because, in his words, quote, it was way too loud. He had had enough of that SUV. But you know when you get pushed in life But you know when you get pushed in life, you know you get pushed in life and you say to yourself,

I'm not, I can't, I saw like Tom Segura posted something on his Instagram feed about two dudes in an airport and one of them looked like Pac-Man Jones. And one guy was giving the other guy so much shit and he just was pushing him and pushing him and pushing him and pushing him,

and the other guy... Someone's filming this whole thing. They got it. They got into a fight. They got into a real fight? You saw the moment where it switched, and you're like, okay, this person was pushed too far. If the guy would have just pulled back a little bit, so...

But how long was this guy mad at an SUV? I mean... Also, this is what I fear is going to happen. Anytime someone plays Would You Rather with me, I'm always like, I have a series of follow-up questions before you ask your question. Please. So for this, is it when the car was in motion?

Yeah, maybe it's got a muffler that's got... The exhaust is fine. Thank you. And also, did he take it out when someone was in it? You don't have these answers. Could it be he thought it was loud as in it was yelling at him? Yeah, like it was there. Shut up.

If you're telling a car to shut up, if you say to a car, gonna tell me I'm not a good father, like now you're in like a whole situation. This sounds like Foxworthy stuff. If you feel like a car, if you tell a car to shut up, you may be an aluminum man. A aluminum man. If he's mad, how long was he mad at this car and telling someone, I'm going to do something about that car, to which they were every day being like, no, you're not. How much of a hole in his rug did he paste?

What was the thing that broke the camel's back? What was the moment where it switched? According to Livonia Police Department, L-A-V-O-N-I, if you're nasty, a man was awakened by a noise outside his house on Cardwell around 2.30 a.m., which is right after the bar is closed. Right. So, noise outside.

He went outside and saw another man pouring something on his 1998 Explorer and lighting it. Okay. That is a long time to have an Explorer. I thought the guy who woke up is the guy who did the lighting. No. I thought so as well. No. So, the guy wakes up. 2.30 in a long time to have an explore. I thought the guy who woke up is the guy who did the lighting. I thought so as well. No, so the guy wakes up. 2.30 in the morning, walks outside. By the way, okay,

hold on a second, hold on a second. Yeah. Pouring lighting fluid, lighter fluid on a car, how loud is that? That can't be that loud. Like, not loud at all. Would that arouse you from your sleep? No, no, no, my slumber would not be disturbed. From a gentleman pouring liquids on something else? Which means, you know he was probably yelling at the car.

That's correct. He's like, you son of a bitch car. That's correct. You like this car? Oh, yeah. Or this guy has superhuman hair. He just hears a little squirt on top of the car. Yes.

And he's in bed. He's like, baby. I hope. She's like, what? He's like, is someone pouring lighter fluid on my car? I'm almost certain my car's about to get on fire. What? You have that dream every night. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. It's not hope. She's like, what? He's like, is someone probably lighting a fire? I'm almost certain my car's about to get on fire. What? You have that dream every night.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. It's not happening. It's happening. I heard a squirt. Their argument. So fine.

Go out. Go out. Go. Go. Shoot him. Shoot him if he's doing that. I will. I will go out.

Sorry. I will go out. Sorry. Divorce me. Divorce me. If I'm right. No, if I'm right, then we'll see. Then I'm right about a lot of other things.

He turned to her. The last thing he said when he left is like, you better hope I'm not right. Oh, my God. Honey? Yeah? I just heard a brittle water filter be poured in Montreal. What superhero are you? He has the ability to hear insignificant wind sounds from far away.

I think you guys are skipping over the fact that he cares this much about a 20-year-old Ford Explorer. By the way, if you own a Ford Explorer that's 20 years old, you care about it. You're Fox-worthy and everything. If you own it, you literally do it. If your Ford Explorer has a tape in it that has a cord that connects to your phone. To your disc, man. Yeah, my man.

By the way, and maybe it's just me watching movies too much. Wouldn't if you put that to fire, wouldn't that hit the gas and become an enormous explosion? Oh, yeah. Eventually, yeah. That's his hope. Yes. So he goes outside. And I imagine this person recreating the scene from Reservoir Dogs while they're lighting this on fire.

That's why he woke him up. He was playing stuck in the middle with you, like loud on a jukebox. A boombox. Right? And he's dancing and spraying it. He's got a jukebox-shaped boombox. Yeah, that's really

smart. He goes outside, sees the man pouring gasoline, some sort of liquid. Inflammable liquid. And lighting it, which means he watched him for a while. Because wouldn't he be like, whoa, hey, whoa? No, he stood there and watched.

Last drops, match, go. The man who was woken up confronted the man outside, now identified as Jonathan Bingham. Oh. JB. Jonathan Bingham. Of the Livonia Binghams. Yeah.

Jonathan Bingham, JB if you're nasty. Yeah. He then ran north on Cardwell, police said. The witness slash victim then found a bicycle leaning in the bushes on his property that did not belong to him. So you lost a Ford Explorer, but you gained a bike. And then he took the bike to chase after the guy? That's right. Doesn't say.

Oh, he just jetted. The Explorer was fully engulfed when police arrived. Yeah. Which makes me also think he let that fire go. If you walk out when he's pouring it and lighting it, that's not... Guys, it is a 20-year-old explorer. He's like, I'm due for an upgrade. You're going to get money also.

What are you going to get out of 20... He's going to be like, here's two movie tickets. That's true. That's a 20-year-old explorer. He confronted the man. The man runs away. So he left his own car burning to confront this man.

Yes. Then he went and found a bike. Meanwhile, car still on fire. By the way, that is how- This car that was bought before 9-11. Oh, yeah. This is a time when this country was a different country, essentially. This is how Lewis-

Clinton era. This is a Clinton era car. Lewis of Lewis and Clark died the same way. Oh, my God. 20-year-old Explorer lit on fire. I guess insane, by the way. Who knew? At Sklar Brothers.

It was good, though. It's a terrible joke. Police used a tracking dog to search for the suspect, but Jonathan Bingham soon called the police station's front desk himself. Oh, my God. Why did he call? To turn himself in? Nope, to report that his bicycle had been stolen.

That's amazing. World class. That's our crying game end. That's the end of the crying game. Guys, there are like six levels to this story. We're only at two. For real? Yes.

I love that. Oh, I love the idea that he, and he saw who stole his thing. Of course he saw who stole his thing. Of course. He knows. He's like, I'm going to leave it there. He left the bike here, and then I'm going to frame someone who stole my bike. It's like usual suspects.

Jonathan Bingham told police that he was at Plymouth and Inkster. Officers found him near a car wash on Plymouth, east of Inkster, in Redford Township. I don't know why this reporter cares that much about him. Put it on the dumb people town walking tour. But meanwhile, Inkster is like a town in Michigan, and so is Plymouth. Really? Plymouth is where the old Silverdome used to be.

I guess the streets, too? I don't know. Jonathan Bingham was dressed like the arsonist described by The Witness. Sure. Wearing, this is what he was wearing, he had a suit, red basketball shorts. Isn't the arsonist a show on CBS?

Am I wrong to say that? It's a guy who can mentally start fires. He's the mentalist arsonist. Isn't it Mentalist and Bones put together? Mentalist and Bones is the arsonist. Just using his brain can start fires. That was my favorite thing about the mentalist. He uses his brain

to figure out crimes. You mean like every detective ever? Yeah. And by the way, in The Arsonist, his name is like Henry Arsonist. It just happens to be that he works with fire. This is a coincidence. This is insane. Look, I know my last name is Arsonist, and I could have chosen a million other fields to go.

My parents wanted me to go to law school. I was drawn to this. I was drawn to this. It was amazing. I was drawn to this like I was drawn to this. It was amazing. I was drawn to this like a moth to a screen. Jonathan Bingham was dressed like the arsonist

described by the witness wearing red basketball shorts and no shirt. Yeah. Of course. Why would he be wearing a shirt? That is the arsonist. He knows it was going to get hot.

He knows it was going to get hot. There's no reason to burn up a shirt. He knew it was going to get hot. Dressed for the episode. What do they say? When you're cooking, no loose sleeves. That's exactly right.

When you're cooking a Ford Explorer, no sleeves at all. Don't get them off. Dress for the episode of Cops You Want to Be On. Thank you. That's a great line. Thank you. Not the one you're currently on. That's a great line.

That's a great line. So fucking true. So in essence, it could be you're either dressed as an arsonist or like Horace Grant at a practice facility. That's what you are, reg basketball shirt. It's also funny that they line up the suspects. It's like, who do you think it is? Like the guy who's charred wearing red shorts? The guy with no eyebrows and just red shorts.

And if you're making a drinking game out of today's basketball references, you are five in. Oh, nice. Very cool. Jay Mike Green, Horace Grant. Yep. I feel like there was one. LeBron, there was a LeBron., you are five in. Oh, nice. Very cool. Jay Mike Green, Horace Grant. Yep. I feel like there was one.

LeBron, there was a LeBron. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And those count too, so now you're four more in. Uh-huh. There we go. Where was I? He initially told police that he didn't know who had stolen his bike and was very angry

and was trying to find the thief. Now, there are two possibilities here. Either one, he's trying to distance himself or get ahead of what he did. He wants to get out in front of what he did. He genuinely thinks somebody stole his bike, but he's trying to skip over the part where that bike might have been stolen. He's definitely trying to get ahead of it. It's like in the Netflix thing, the staircase.

Did you see the staircase? I just finished it yesterday. I just finished the staircase. Don't ruin it to anybody. By the way, do you hear, separate from, all right,

I'll talk to you after. Let's talk about it. So I just finished the staircase. It'd be like, in the staircase, the guy who's accused of murdering his wife, being like, right after the murder,

like being upset that the fountain isn't working. Exactly. You know what I mean? He's like, if I maybe get out, like being upset that the fountain isn't working. Right. Exactly. Like if I maybe get out like that person who's this crazy thing happened, but he's like, wait a minute, let's concentrate on this. This isn't spraying the right way.

Yeah. So he says to police, I'm very mad. Someone stole my bike. Of course he did. Under further questioning. However, Bingham said he had set the fire.

That's how quick we break. He just cracked. There's a fire going on. Yeah, yeah, I set that, but my bike is messy. Can someone please play the police officer, and I'll play Bingham real quick, going in on this and seeing how quick it takes me to turn. Listen, I have a complaint. I left my bike somewhere, and someone stole my bike. Okay, can you describe the bike?

Yeah, I lit the car on fire. No one asked that. No one even asked you. That's literally what happened. No one even asked that. I just asked what happened. No one even asked that. I just asked you to describe the bike. Can you describe the bike? Yeah, no, I was the one who lit the car on fire.

He said the Explorer travels through his neighborhood and is, quote, extremely noisy, the police report said. Has he complained in the past? That doesn't say so. He found out where it was parked. Quote, I wasn't going to do nothing at first. Which means you were going to do something double negative. Double negative, I wasn't going to do nothing at first. Which means you were going to do something. Double negative. Double negative.

I wasn't going to do nothing at first. And then I got into this whole thing that popped off, and then I kind of set it on fire. That's a quote. I love that he, in some way. Look, I got to do something to pop off. Okay, so in some way, he is saying the situation is bigger than his ability to make. It's beyond my control. It's beyond my control.

Situation is bigger than my own decision making. Like, it just popped off. It happened to him. Right. It happened to him. I poured the lighter fluid on it. I lit the match or the lighter itself. But it was out of my control.

But this was not something that I could control. No, he didn't mean to. It happened to him. Yeah, you guys don't understand. Literally, he says, this whole thing that popped off. Yeah. And then I kind of set it on fire. I kind of set it on fire. After this whole thing popped off, what is the whole thing that popped off, and then I kind of set it on fire. I kind of set it on fire.

After this whole thing popped off, what is the whole thing that popped off? Just the idea of it noising? A noising car. It's the whole thing. He says, I got into this whole thing that popped off. I have no clue that was on fire. And then I kind of set it on fire. There's a lot of A to C there.

Kind of set it on fire. You set it on fire. You don't kind of set it on fire. There's a lot of A to C there. Kind of set it on fire. You set it on fire. You don't kind of set something on fire. Is it popped off a term? Like, no pun intended? Like, it's lit? Like, it popped off? Oh, yeah.

Someone's popping? Yeah, we hung on, and then it all popped off. It popped off. I don't know. It was lit. Literally. Someone's just popped off. Does that mean jerk off?

No. No. Popped off means like... I've been saying No. No. I popped a quick one off. Popped off means like... I've been saying that every day. That you popped a quick one off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to be late to the meeting.

I popped a quick one off. I got to pop one off in the bathroom. I got to be... Pop one off in the bathroom. Listen, that's what Bill Maher... Every time. Before every show, he pops one off. No, he does not.

That's why he's so relaxed. Is that a real thing? Yeah, that was a rumor. Does he tell people that? It was a rumor. It was a rumor. So we're going to throw a big allegedly on that one. Yes.

Asked why he set the fire, Jonathan Bingham said, it was way too loud, it was waking me up. Okay. Indirect reference, but I think he means the car. The car. He got pushed too hard, guys. Yeah, man. I am now going to show you guys what Jonathan Bingham looks like.

Oh, wait, wait, before we see. Have you seen already or no? I have not seen already. Can we guess before we see? Feel free. Yeah, like describe him before you see. Well, in my head I no? I have not seen it already. Can we guess before we see? Feel free. Yeah, like describe him before you see.

Well, in my head I had a thing, but now the way that you smiled when you said, I'm going to show you, I think he's a very skinny, smaller gentleman. Okay.

Okay. I think he is very blotchy skin. Very smart. I think he hasn't shaved in four weeks, but it looks like he hasn't shaved

in just one day. Okay. So he can't really grow connectors on his beard. Okay. And I definitely think he looks way older than he is. But we'll probably do a guess the age. Are we going to? We are.

We're going to guess the age, which is my most fun thing in the world. Which, by the way, we can guess the age just based on the fact that that's fine. Sometimes seeing a picture of someone in the show- Oh, that'll definitely turn me. It is, but it's more deceiving than action. If I'm showing a picture, it's because- It's worth it. You know how someone in the show Oh, that'll definitely turn me. But it's more deceiving than action. If I'm showing a picture, it's because...

You know how in a criminal case, sometimes more evidence is bad? Don't say anything else in the courtroom. I've already got enough. A better opinion. This will be on the Facebook page. Everyone who's listening to this show, if you're not joined the Facebook page, get into it.

This is where you get to see these kids. Both of you are right in parts. Yes. Certain parts of what you said are right. Yes. You ready for this gem?

Yes. All I'm going to say is he has a goatee. Here we go. Oh my God, is he going to be like 12? Oh, he's all over the place. Look at him.

He's not happy. He thinks Tom Petty's his dad. He's not happy. He's like he's transitioning into Tom Petty. Look at him. I feel bad for him. Is that weird? You should not feel bad for him. He's hair. He's not happy. He's like he's transitioning into Tom Petty. Look at him. I feel bad for him. Is that weird?

You should not feel bad for him. His hair. He's aces. His hair. He's got a comb over, but then really long hair. And it gets blonde. It gets blonde. It's been highlighted in certain areas.

He's wearing glasses that. He definitely hasn't shaved in four weeks. He's wearing glasses that your mom would get at Walgreens when she lost her regular glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely readers. He has the perpetual look of someone who's just been fired by a Verizon store. That's smart. Yes.

That he didn't work at. And his skin is blotchy, and he has a little bit of a beard. Questioned by a detective later, Jonathan Bingham said he had been drunk earlier in the day. Of course! And riding his bicycle, ready for this next layer? Riding his bicycle with a man he knows as Mad Mike.

On his bicycle? I don't know if they were tandeming or what they were doing. Up on the pegs. Mad Mike is on the pegs. Mad Mike, you want to cruise around? I love that. Mad Mike is in the basket.

With a man he knows as Mad Mike. He's E.T. and Mad Mike around town. Who had complained about the Explorer and said he would pay someone to set it on fire. He's now the accomplice. He's just a shill. He's a gun for hiring.

I love it. Mad Mike is pulling the strings in Livonia. They're driving around and Mad Mike's, you know what I hate? You know what? Loud Explorers. Mad Mike doesn't need anything else to get mad about. And now he's got something. Jonathan Bingham said in a written statement,

I was intoxicated with that idea in my head. So was it comma? I was intoxicated, comma. No, I was intoxicated with that idea in my head. You can't blame Mad Mike, right? You can't blame Mad Mike. No, you can't. My man, my man, you can never blame Mad Mike no you can't see mad my man my man you can never blame my man

that would be insane you can't play he's literally just saying like oh my i want to blow that place up and then you blow the place up right well listen but mad mike has mike is osama bin laden and this guy crazy he didn't fly a plane into anything right mad mike is ready mad mike just suggested it would be great if somebody set that on fire. I'd pay somebody if they did that. And Mad Mike knows that all he has to do on a long bike ride with a drunk friend is just float the idea. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean?

I'm going to just put it. Like, he's a master at knowing just how much to reveal. Show a little bit of leg, and then the guy's going to want the whole thing. JB. Yeah, Bingham? I'm just saying, what if somebody set that Explore on fire? Shut up, man. For real? I mean, would that be funny if I

did that? What if I had money that would go to a person who... I'm just saying. How much money? How much money? Money. Okay. I'm listening. You have my attention. Bingham went on to say that he bought gasoline and set the Explore on fire.

I'm going to ask you guys, how much money do you think Jonathan Bingham spent on gasoline? Okay, this is a good... What do you think he thought would get this job done? Okay. Now, you are our guest, Ben Tritzy. I'm going to tell you exactly what it is. I know exactly what it is. It's easy for me. Okay.

You know when you get on the grill and you have one of those squeezy guys? He got one of those squeezy guys, and that's what he used because that's readily available. It's not him buying gas at a gas station. And also, that is 100%. And I think he used about half to a whole one of those. So how much money if you had to put that in? How much money for that? Yeah.

Oh, that's going to run you about $14.99 to $20. Okay. All right. $15 to $20. $15 to $20. I'm going to say $12. All right. I'm going to say $8.

$8. Yeah, you have two gallons of gas. I feel stupid. Can I change going to say $12. All right. I'm going to say $8. $8. Yeah, you've got two gallons of gasoline. I feel stupid. Can I change my answer? No, no, no. $15 and $20 I stick with. Jonathan Bingham spent $2 worth of gasoline. He really laid out for this.

Hey, man, I'm trying to light a car on fire. You're only going to need $2 worth of gasoline. Really? Fill that thing up. Give me $2 worth of super unleaded. Why do you need super unleaded? Do me a favor. I want it to burn clean.

Okay, fine. One block east of the fire scene, police located a plastic gas can and a mug smelling of gasoline, which means he had a coffee mug full of gasoline. Oh, that's cute. Walking it very... That's cute. It's kind of cute.

It is really over. Over. Captain Ron Teg Love him Ron Teg Love him Who's in charge No extra syllables needed

No Captain Ron Teg Clean name He seems like a DJ on the Yacht Rock Serious Rock Oh yeah Captain Ron Teg

By the way My favorite channel Unbelievable When summer comes along And Serious has Yacht Rock I'm telling you I listen to it While here parking

It is the best It is the best And It is the best. And when it goes away, I feel so cheap. When it turns like the Bette Midler channel, what are you doing? Give me my Yacht Rock, man. You're long. I don't need to hear her long transition into Broadway schmaltz. No, but I will listen to her Broadway

schmaltz. I will. So Captain Ron Tagg, who's in charge of the police department's investigative division, said police investigated the Mad Mike Angle and could not substantiate it. Please tell me there's a bulletin board at the Livonia police station that says the Mad Mike Angle. Mad Mike Angle. It's like the wire. Photographs, bike pictures.

How did this madman do it? That's his full name, Mad Mike Angle. Is he Jewish? How do you spell his last name? He's Kurt Angle's nephew. E-N-G-L-E. That's his full name, Mad Mike Angle. Is he Jewish? How do you spell his last name? He's Kurt Angle's nephew. That's amazing. Oh, my God. It's so insane.

He wins all the awards for wrestling. What I'm going to do is... I'm going to influence people. That's right. Bingham wrote himself in the police report that said, I don't understand why I pursued burning someone property. I never done it before and will never do it again. Well, he seems like an educated

man. He was reformed to me. He made the right choice and he cleaned his hands. There shouldn't be another sentence about this whole story. All gas is off his hands. The Explorer's owner told police he had driven the vehicle home from work and parked it in front of his house at about midnight. He said he didn't know anyone matching Bingham's description.

No one was hurt, and Livonia firefighters extinguished the blaze. This is like the worst season of Fargo ever. You know what I mean? Like, we're going to hire this guy to do this thing. What's the car's status? Is the car dead? Gone. Gone.

It's dead. Engulfed. I'm now going to ask you. Yes, I can't wait. I can't wait. You can go first. I can't wait. Tig or go first, Tig, or third. Tig was in the slot between the two of us.

What is Tig or third? Tig was the first person to say she wanted to go second. You can guess first or between the two of us or third. Oh, I want to guess first. Okay. Because I don't want to be swayed. I want to see what happens if I'm not swayed by anybody. How old is Jonathan Benham?

May I see the picture one more time, sir? Of course. Thank you very much. I see the eye. Just like a spelling bee. Can you use him in a sentence? Ben just asked Dan to approach the bench. Ben, you tilt it down, please. Tilt it sir. Of course. Thank you very much. Just like a spelling bee. Can you use him in a sentence? Ben, just ask Dan to approach the bench. Tilt it down, please.

New tint. Can you put the brightness up, sir? No, you don't have to. Can I have the country of origin? Can you use Jonathan Bingham in a sentence? Oh, this is incredible. Now I'm going to steer myself. If you're showing a picture, it's not going to be what it seems, correct? Or it is.

It's exactly what it is. I just think it's sometimes clouds. I have an answer. 108 years old. 28 years old. And let me see your eyes when I said that. 28. I'm wrong, and let me tell you why I'm wrong.

I'm wrong because when I said 15 to 20, I got the same exact response. So I know I'm wrong. And by the way, it means I'm high. Not only am I wrong, I'm high. So let that be a lesson to you. No, no, no. This dude's 38. This guy's 38 years old.

Different eyes. Way different eyes. This guy is 22. 22 years old. You're right. If I'm just reading faces, you're right. All right. Get your answers in at home.

Everyone shout at whatever you're listening to. Shout at your ham radio. Shout at your earbuds. Yes. Townies, feel free to play along wherever you're at. My favorite Ozzy Osbourne song, Shout at the Earbuds. Great song. It's also R.E.M.

Jonathan Bingham. We're going to close out story one on this. The man who set a car on fire because Mad Mike told him he would pay him to do it. He used $2 of his own money. Come on, 28. An investment. No whammies. To get money for burning, which he never got, is 26 years old.

Are we playing Price is Right rules? No. Closest no matter what. I do love guessing games. It's so fun. I'm not competitive, but I love guessing games. You nailed that. If anybody would have won, I would have been so

happy. All right, so Ben, just imagine. What do I get as a winner? You get the knowledge you walked in and kicked ass on some real experts. All right, we'll take a break. When we come back, we're going to talk about you got some live stuff happening, movies coming out. We'll talk about that on the other side of this break. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Hey, guys. Welcome back to

DPT. We got Ben Schwartz with us, who is a tremendous follow on Twitter and on Instagram. Yeah, sure. At Rejected Jokes. That's right. Great Instagram follow, by the way. And you have shows with another friend of this show,

Thomas Middleditch. Is Thomas on this show? He has, and he was fantastic. He's so funny. You guys do a fantastic live show together that is improvised. Yes, we do a two-person long-form improvised show. You did it at Del Close Marathon, right?

We did. We didn't do it at this Del Close, but we did Town Hall. Instead, we went to New York. We did Town Hall. We've done this tour at probably 10 or 11 places. We did Vancouver. So we're going to spread it to this. Next Friday.

Yes, Comic-Con this Friday. When this drops on Tuesday, the following Friday. If this drops on Tuesday, it'll be that Friday. Okay, this Friday. I'm going to check. When this drops on Tuesday, the following Friday. If this drops on Tuesday, it'll be that Friday. Okay. So that Friday. And it is so far all of them. You should come Friday night at 7 p.m. at the Balboa Theater. It fits like 1,100 or 1,200 people.

And the whole thing is that all of our shows have sold out so far. This is the only one so far that has tickets left. So if you want to come, you can actually see us on the West Coast. It has nothing to do with Comic-Con, so you can just come to San Diego and see us. But I think it's going to be really exciting because it's going to be like we're going to be amongst our fellow nerds, which for us is like heaven. I love it. Yeah.

And the movie. Wait, Thomas Middleditch has a nerd following? I know. That seems so bizarre. Isn't that crazy? That's weird to me. The man who built his own flight simulator in his house so we can learn how to fly? He flux capacitated?

Yeah. He flew. So he's a pilot and he owns his own plane. Do you know that? Does he really? He's a pilot. He has he's a pilot. He owns his own plane. Do you know that? Is he really? Yep. He's a pilot. He has pilots on his own plane.

We did shows on the East Coast. He flew from LA to Nantucket in his little plane. Really? Yeah. That would scare the shit out of me. For me, I'm not the best flyer. I'm getting way better, but I don't want to be on a small plane

because I'm nervous. Of course. Yeah, and he flies the whole, I mean, hours and hours. So he probably had to fuel up like three times. And he was flying the Bhagwan Rajneesh out of town.

Yes, it was. It was a wild, wild, wild. He was flying. He was the guy. If you've ever seen that thing from Oregon, he's that guy who took off. He was flying him.

He refueled in Charlotte and that was the mistake. And on the way to the Bahamas, they got him. They got him. He still made the show, but he did fuck the Bhagwan. I don't think they talked enough about in that show that that gentleman was

just like a fuck freak. Oh my God. They literally glossed over the idea that he is- Glossed over a lot. Dude is boning every straight day. Dude is just straight boning in like- Anyone who's like every single person around him is a woman, you're like, yeah. For what?

And naked and screaming? Yes. Yeah. You never want to hear the phrase phrase I got to wash his hair you know what I mean like that when someone says that you're like

okay there's a power thing going on here you have movies coming out too right I have two I have a this is a very weird year for me I have seven movies coming out this year

holy shit get out very weird that's fantastic I was not in that movie but there's not get out but seven seven movies.

And so in August, I have two coming out. One is called An Actor Prepares. It's with Jeremy Irons. And the other one, it's me and Sam Rockwell are the lead of this action UK movie that was filmed in England. And it comes out the end of August. Nice. That one's called Blue Iguana.

I mean, that dude. Fantastic. He is so fun. He's one of my favorite people. Oscar award winner. I know. And tremendous improviser. I mean, that dude. Fantastic. He is so fun. He's one of my favorite people. Oscar award winner. I know. And tremendous improviser, I heard, as well. He's just the best human.

He's like one of my favorite humans in the world. I love that he's getting the credit he deserves. I mean, I was a fan from Safe Men. By the way, Green Mile. John Hamburg, Safe Men on. He was great in Green Mile. He was in the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a henchman. Really? Yeah. He's so funny. I just thoughtant Ninja Turtles as a henchman. Really?

Yeah. He's so funny. I just thought- Now I'm on board. You'll see it. For fans of his, go back and watch Safe Men. John Hamburg did the movie. Yeah.

He talks, by the way, Sam talked about that movie with me. It was with the gentleman who was, what's the other guy? He was in like 100 movies at that time. Oh. Super funny dude. The other lead. Blonde hair. I know.

I'm like completely blanking out. Steve Zahn? Yes, that's his name. Steve Zahn. You said that like you didn't just blow everybody's mind. No, no, uh. Super funny dude. The other lead. Blonde hair. I know, I'm like completely blanking out. Steve Zahn? Yes, that's his name. Steve Zahn. So you said that like you didn't just blow everybody's mind. No, no, no, no, I remember that. I was taking for a second to remember it, but then who else does a small little, no pun intended?

Paul Giamatti? Have you seen it? Paul, Paul. Barack Obama. Paul Giamatti, doesn't he play like, yeah, Paul Giamatti plays the guy who works with the mafia in Rhode Island, oh it's so good. I've never seen it, I heard it's great. It is a phenomenal the mafia in Rhode Island. I've never seen it.

I heard it's great. It is a phenomenal movie. I love that you guys are getting it. Peter Dinklage. Isn't he in it? Peter Dinklage. This is my third thing with Rockwell. I did a movie with him a couple years ago.

Then I did Drunk History with him. Then we did this. And then we have a new movie we're going to try to sell. Yeah, you are. Yeah, we'll see what happens. That's great. I want it. But he's incredible.

He's one of my favorite human beings. So again, the titles of those movies. Blue Iguana and An Actor Prepares. Blue Iguana is one with me and Sam that comes out at the end of August. I think it should be really fun. I have a mustache and I play a really creepy guy. Fuck yes. Love it.

Nice. Love it. All right, Daniel. Let's get into another story. You ready for this? Yes. Let's do it. Sent in by Eric McMurray.

At Eric underscore McMurray. M-C-M-U-R-R. Thanks, buddy. Thanks. Thanks, Eric. It might not have been the best idea this Florida man ever had. Okay. That's a great way to start off.

Might not have been. So they're contending that this is a bad idea and he probably had worse ideas. Right. By his decision, you know that this man has made way worse decisions in his life. According to the Putnam County Sheriff's Office, Douglas Peter Kelly, DPK. DPK on DPT. Read by DPK. Of Hawthorne in northern Florida, contacted deputies on Tuesday with a complaint.

Tuesday. He said that this was his complaint. He calls the cops and he said- There's a Ford Explorer blowing up in my face. I just said a Ford Explorer on fire, come get me. My bike's gone. This was his complaint. He said that he thought he had been sold bad drugs.

Okay. To the cops. He said it to the cops. Yes. You guys got to get down here. I got to come clean. You guys got to get down here, man. I bought Coke and it's bad Coke.

You come down here. You'll see. You taste it. Just tell me if it's good. Then you guys can go. Because you know the discussion that led up to that is him telling someone, I'm going to call the cops on this. Yeah.

You know how much money I spent on this? This guy cannot get away with it anymore. I'm going to call the cops. I'm going to let this guy go. Who do you call? Who are you going to call when you have bad drugs? Ghostbusters. Cokebusters.

You always see in movies and TV shows. Did you say Cokebustersbusters. Cokebusters. You always see in movies and TV shows. Did you say Cokebusters? I said Cokebusters. You always see this where somebody's like, well, they're breaking the law. They screw over someone else who's breaking the law. And they're like, what are you going to do? Call the cops? But every once in a while, you get a gem of a human who's like, yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Is call the cops. In his mind, he's like, I'll set this straight. Right. You'll never sell bad drugs to anybody ever again. I'm saving people from your mistakes. Right. Your terrible drugs. I'm helping.

This is like the person who goes to a comedy show and like help, you know, tries to not heckle, but talks to the comedians. Like, I'm helping you. Yeah. I was helping. The best. They love it. The best.

The police report on Facebook, because that's where we're at these days. States that the man. Oh, I'm sorry. The police reported on Facebook? Yep. Oh where we're at these days. States that the man- Oh, I'm sorry. The police reported on Facebook? Yep. Oh. What do you mean? What does that mean?

This is all the time. Every police department in our country puts everything on Facebook. On their Facebook. Hey, guess who we arrested yesterday? Here's the full report. To brag or to find people that are missing? Both. Both.

In Sheboygan, Wisconsin, they used it to find the Sheboygan clogger. A guy who clogged toilets. And they caught his ass. They caught his ass. They literally hit his ass. They caught my cousin Bernard? Yes! That's insane.

The Sheboygan Clogger. The art that he brings to clogging tees. I mean. Oh, my God. When he sees a tee like the way he wants to. Well, that was the best thing about it. The art of the Sheboygan Clogger. They had a cartoonist do an artist rendering of the Sheboygan Clogger.

What a gift. It was a caricature of that person on a roller coaster. We haven't seen Cloghead. Did we say we haven't seen Clogging like that since the Netherlands was in the world? Oh, that's a great line. That's a great line. You know, every year in Wisconsin. You can end the podcast here if you want.

You're not going to do better than that. Every year in Wisconsin, when we go to the Brat Fest in Harrisville, Wisconsin, they have cloggers there. Of course. Every year I go watch the cloggers. Why do you go to the Brat Fest? It's like 20 miles, not even, 15 miles from our cabin up in Wisconsin. How fun is that? We just go to the Brat Fest.

How cool is that? It's the best. So here's my question. I got a dandy kill. When you go to a Brat Fest, Dan, when you go to a Brat Fest, for real, I'm asking you like, how many Brats? This isn't a dick sucking thing. I don't know why we're doing this.

How many brats will you eat? How many dicks will you eat? How many brats will you eat? A minimum of three. Because... That feels like, well, how big is a brat? Because a brat can wind

and be huge. They keep them about like, yeah, average height. You don't have to wink at me when you say that. I do have to. You don't. It grows.

You don't have to lick your lips, Dan. Yeah, that's weird. Guys, we're talking brats. Maximum of what? Minimum of three, maximum of how many? You would have. It grows. You have to lick your lips, Dan. Yeah, that's weird. Guys, we're talking brats. Maximum of what? Minimum of three, maximum of how many? You would have eight brats. I mean, okay, well, one year. Oh, your shit must smell so good.

One year. You got to understand. You basically shit a casing. No, you shit out a Wisconsin farmer. Oh, that's good. Okay, there's a gambling tent where any person of any age can gamble. That's illegal. Including Charles Oakley.

Oh, very cool. Then there's Southbound, the country music band. And then there's obviously... Southbound, they just do covers of Almond Brothers songs? Yes. Did you say Almond Brothers songs? Is it all like a lot of water? And they give out free samples of almond milk.

Almond milk. That joke has to have been made, right? The Almond Brothers band where it's just like these guys that have an almond farm The Almond Brothers have a big riff With the California Raiders They hate each other Here's the deal First of all it's only like $4 for a two brat meal

Cafeteria style And then they sell you brats straight up For like $1.50 Is that cooked or uncooked Brat? Cooked But here's the deal One year Uncle Ken and Uncle Bob This is your Uncle Ken and Uncle Bob

We were all drinking heavily at the Brat Fest It's the royal Uncle Ken and Uncle Bob Is there a beer that's popular with Brat? Well they're just selling a lot of Miller Lite Miller Lite, old style It's like by the truck This is a town, I'm not shitting you, of like 750 people, 30,000 people. It's the largest one-day outdoor festival in Wisconsin.

I love that. Dan, you have a lot of these very niche names. I know, Princeton Flea Market, the largest outdoor weekly April to October flea market in the state. That's right. I love it. So one year, Uncle Ken and Uncle Bob, we'd all been drinking a little bit. We're like, Danny, come here. And I go, what?

And they're like, go over there to the cafeteria line where they're doing the brat dinners and see if you could start working with these guys. So I walked up and I said, I'm here to work. So then two minutes later, I'm serving potato salad by the spoonful. Of course you are. And then an old timer next to me who's in charge of the ice cream, he goes, come here. Come here. I go, all right.

And he takes me into the backseat. Suck my dick. And he goes, I'm going to give you something. And I'm like, all right. Oh, boy. And he hands me a red. Now, everybody who's 21 and over is wearing blue bracelets to indicate that you're of age. Although in Wisconsin, if you're with a legal guardian, you only have to be 14 to drink.

Stop. That's true. So he're with a legal guardian, you only have to be 14 to drink. Stop. That's true. Stop. So he gives me a bracelet. It's red. And he goes, now, you work here now. You walk up to any beer tent or any thing. One of us.

You don't pay for nothing. Whoa. So the rest of the day. This is unbelievable. I'm ordering pitchers by three, four at a time. And every time, after like a couple, they'd be like, hey, when you come back, man, come work for a little bit. Like, all right. And then I'd just go to another beer a time. And every time, after like a couple, they'd be like, hey, when you come back, man, come work for a little bit. Like, all right.

And then I'd just go to another beer tent. Of course you would. And I think that day we probably ate more than eight brats each. Yeah, you did. You were probably hammered. Oh, my God, man. All right. What a weird day.

We're just in Wisconsin in the summer on Labor Day weekend. Is there singing and dancing from the bands and stuff? Oh, yeah. They're playing a lot of Diamond Rio. It's wonderful. Would you say it was the best day of your life? It's up there. It's got to be up there.

In terms of brats? Yes. be up there In terms of brats Yes No not in terms of brats Can you think of a better day? Can you compare it to watching your children being born? Oh yeah Well I left really quickly after that Because you had a brat to eat

Someone gave you a red wristband This red wristband isn't going to pay for itself Alright Dan It's going to drink itself So Guy calls cops because drugs he thinks works bad So police report on Facebook That's where we took a fork in the road, said that the man told deputies he'd purchased methamphetamine about a week earlier and had suffered a, quote, violent reaction after taking it.

Okay. Then they write, that's not all. The suspect. But can I say something? If he has such a terrible reaction and it could kill somebody, he actually is doing the right thing by calling the cops. Totally. For real.

So far, I mean, it's stupid, but also he's correct. He may have saved somebody's life. All right, keep going. The suspect went on to demand. That's where you start. I'm going to tell you cops what you need to do. Now I see why I shouldn't talk. Tell you.

He went to demand that the detectives in the narcotics division test it for him to see if it was cut with something or if he had been sold something else. Yeah. If Kelly was indeed sold the wrong narcotic, the suspect said he wanted to press charges against the dealer. This is all on the phone. Right. Hey, you still there? We're still here, man. You keep going.

Jesus Christ. Someone's typing this into Facebook. We're just calling here, man. You keep going. Jesus Christ. Someone's typing this into Facebook. We're just calling a few more guys into the office. Jesus Christ. You're on speaker, okay? Yes. You're not laughing. Good.

I want everybody to hear. You're on our Christmas video. I mean, you're on speaker. Say it louder. Japanese told DPK, Douglas Peter Kelly, to come on over to the station, and they would happily test the drugs for him. This is the moment where as a cop you're like, we're just going to really be on his side on this.

No way could we get him in. I'm telling you. No, John, I'm telling you. Watch this. There's no way you get him in. I swear to you. Watch this. Oh, wait, you're telling me you have bad drugs?

Yeah, I got bad drugs. All right, do me a favor. Come in and I'll take care of it. Come on when? Just come to the police department. Whenever you want. You're going to test it for me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now I demand this. You test it right away and you go arrest the son of a bitch who sold me the methamphetamine. It's a soft yes and we'll see what happens. All right, I'm coming in. Boom. I can't believe you got 20 bucks. 20 bucks. He did it.

I didn't think he could do it. I'll give you 25. Get that prostitute around the phone. I'm going to ask her to come over and test her goods also. Janine. Jan also. Janine. Janine. Deputies told him to come over to the station and they would oblige him.

The report said that Douglas Peter Kelly drove to the sheriff's office and handed the detectives a clear crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil. The substance field-tested positive for methamphetamine, the drug Kelly intended to purchase. So now he's like, oh, wait, it's good?

All right. I'm going to go. Give it back. I'm going to roll out there. Amazing. Thank you guys for checking. I'll see you guys later. Dude, this is a huge day.

I'll just take my tin foil. Thank you so much. Thank you, Sonny. You guys are the best. Look, and I got like a bucket of this back at home. So I just want to give you a tiny bit. And this is great. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'll see you is great Serve and protect Thank you guys Hey cool about your car Well you can ride in the back Sure sure sure So it tests positive for methamphetamine So you get to arrest him right there Though Kelly could rest easily knowing he bought the real deal

He was nonetheless immediately arrested Of course So dumb By the way if they tested it and it had no trace of drugs Easily knowing he bought the real deal, he was nonetheless immediately arrested. Yes, of course. Of course. So dumb. By the way, if they tested it and it had no trace of drugs, they couldn't arrest him. He's like, we're going to take you over into this waiting room over here. It's just bars. We're just going to make sure no one gets in.

There's one seat because you're next. The next person who's up to have something checked goes into this locked cage. Hey, this is good. I'm going to take it if you guys are cool with that. No. You sure? We're going to put you in here. We just want to protect you.

We don't want anyone coming in. And we're just going to put these two bracelets that are connected to each other on your wrist because that's what we do for the next person. Are they red?

Do I get free and unlimited drinks? No, they're not free. Okay, okay, okay. They're silver, but you're going to like them. And just so I know, you guys are fucking with me, right? No!

Okay, okay, okay. Why would we fuck with you? I don't know. But this guy, this big guy's gonna fuck you in the ass, but that's just what we do for the next guy up. Can you give me a little bit more explanation about the guy fucking me in the ass? No, no, no. See you guys later. Alright, take care. Good to see you. Stay in the cage.

You know you, by mistake, had my drugs. No. He was charged with drug possession and then walked over to the Putnam County jail and held on $5,000. Which they had to walk. Like, hey, we're going to go for a walk. So now Rich Cop is like, this is my arrest. I get credit for this.

I get credit for this. The guy who talked to him on the phone. So it's like a car dealership. That's like when someone sells you something at Bed Bath & Beyond. Who helped you with this? Exactly. I don't know. I talked to one guy in the phone.

Is that Debra? I was in hand towels and he was like, where are the bowls? And I pointed. But by the way, you didn't help me with I am bowls. Just because I don't know. I talked to one guy in the bowl. Is that Debra? I was in hand towels, and he was like, where are the bowls? And I pointed. Yeah, but by the way, you didn't help me with, I am bowls. Just because I wasn't there, I didn't get to say it, but I was bowls. But if I would have said we don't have bowls, then they would have left. I'm in shark vacuum cleaners, and I saw the whole thing happen. But you didn't have anything to do.

It was directly between the bowls and the hand towels. Charles, but where was he, Charles? I don't know. Wasn't he closer? This is supposed to be around this conversation. What did he Charles? I don't know. Wasn't he closer? This is so super on this conversation. What did he buy? Can I please bring... What did he buy?

He bought a hand mixer. But tell him that if I didn't say they're right over there, then he wouldn't have walked. Arnold is making no sense. I'm going to bring Pierre in. Oh, Pierre. Can you please just tell them if it goes right in the middle. I mean, we're talking one aisle from each side. What'd you buy, sir?

Thank you. It was bowls, correct? No, he bought bowls. He bought a hand mixer. But he said, where are the bowls to me? To who? To me. I was in towels, and I said, it's over there.

Now, if I would have said, we don't have bowls, he would have left. This is stupid. I'm going to split the commission. It's not stupid. Fine, we'll split the commission. All right, great. We'll split the commission. All right, fine.

I get it. Because I've settled this deal. No, no, no. The sale's only happening because I settled it. Thank you, Pierre. No, you don't get, Pierre. The sale's only happening because I settled it. Thank you, Pierre. The sale's only happening because I settled it. You're a security guard. You were in the bathroom.

Pierre, do you have the key? Yeah, I have a key. Thank you. Can I take it? We just need the key. You cost your commission. Officers did not charge Kelly for the test. That's nice.

For the test. They should have charged. Hey, you get that one for free. $5,000 bail. Then they wrote on Facebook, this is a quote from the police department, remember, our detectives are always ready to assist anyone who believes they were misled

in their illegal drug purchase. Okay, that was them trying to be funny. Public notice, if you believe you were sold bad drugs, we are offering a free service to test them for you. Okay. So this is now. Oh, my God.

I bet people will use it. They want likes, right? Yeah. That's like, no joke. They're trying to get likes on Facebook. Yeah, can we please get some more? They're trying to get retweets and likes. I'm going to ask you guys.

How old is Douglas Peter Kelly? Oh, I love this game. Let me go first. You're already one for one. I'm one for one. I guarantee I sweep. Do we have three stories in a show? We do.

Oh, I'm going to sweep. Okay, sweep it. All right, let's go. Okay. I would like to go first. How old do you think he is? And you can call that the bend position now. You got it.

Okay. Great. If I nail all three, you have to call it the bend position. I'm not going to show you the picture until after. There's only one person who's gotten two right in one show. Oh, no. Jimmy. Kevin Pollak got it.

Kevin Pollak got it. You exactly right. Oh, I haven't done that. He's the same age. I haven't done that. Okay. Kevin's also brilliant. Yes. All right. Wait, you want me to guess without it exactly right. Oh, I haven't done that. Keep the same age. I haven't done that. Okay. Kevin's also brilliant. Yes.

All right. Wait, you want me to guess without looking? Yes. Oh, wow. How old do you feel he is? Let's walk it back. You know he has a phone. You know he bought it.

He seems to live in a house at least by himself. We haven't said or not said. He has money to buy drugs. Although it could be somebody else. We never indicated if there's... He has money to buy drugs. But also isn't sure that he bought the correct drug, which means he's probably not older because an older man would have had enough experience. Yes. Okay. So I'm going to buy drugs. But also isn't sure that he bought the correct drug, which means he's probably not older because an older man would have had enough experience.

Yes. So I'm going to say this. Okay. Good detective work. And he's stupid, but I guess a lot of these stories would be dumb. Florida. Wow, I'm going to say 17. 17 years old.

But I haven't seen any picture yet. When I see a picture, I like to change my mind. Okay. Jay, 24. Wow. What an idiot you are. Jay, you're a fucking fool. I don't even know what I'm saying.

I say he's 33. 33? You guys are being lunatics right now. You're going, Jesus birthday. That's right. Okay. I'm going to tell you the age, and then I'm going to show you the photo. Okay, great.

Townies, get your answers in wherever you may be. Shout at your earbuds. Shout, shout, let it all out. How old is Douglas Peter Kelly He is The man who Bought meth Had a bad reaction

Called the police Called the police to have him test it They did Then arrested him He's 19 I said 17 but he's 19 What'd you say Ryan 33

What'd you say Jay 24 17 17 Douglas Peter Kelly Oh he's like 50 Is 49 years old 24. 17. 17. Douglas Peter Kelley. Oh, he's like 50.

Is 49 years old. Oh, my God. I knew it was up the ladder. I was going to say 45. I'm going to show you this photo, and you're just going to be like, his face is like, you got me. You got the DPK. Oh, my God.

Look at him. What a dum-dum. That's a guy who doesn't understand how his email works. Yes. That at this guy, man. Look at him. What a dum-dum. That's a guy who doesn't understand how his email works. Yes. That is a guy. Right. That is correct. When he's calling you, he's by mistake FaceTiming you and you see his ear.

Is he wearing a shirt or is he getting a haircut? This is a new thing in Florida where they keep putting these smocks on people. And I don't understand why. Is it to not see the clothes they're wearing? I guess. Or maybe just so many of them don't have shirts on when they come in. He's like, put the smock on. Maybe he was wearing a shirt that said Coca-Cola and they're a Pepsi company.

Guys, we are Pepsi police. I'm so sorry. We can't give free advertising on Facebook. Isn't his facial expression just like, shit? It just, what an idiot. Well, you got me. Now my kids are going to keep not talking to me. God damn it.

And my stepkids. All right, Dan, give me a tease of the last story. What are we looking at here? A man gets in a bar fight that you could never win. Okay, great. That's it. That's against the jukebox. Ben Schwartz is with us.

That is actually a boombox. Ben Schwartz is with us. We have one more segment in Dumb People Town. Stay. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We're up for our final segment. Next weekend, this weekend, coming up,

Randy and I are in Schaumburg, Illinois. Heck, yeah, you are. At the Chicago Improv. First time we've ever headlined that club. And on August 17th, we're going to be doing a live Dumb People Town. The Petalama Petaluma. Petalama Petaluma Comedy Festival. Fantastic.

There's so many great people there. At the Mystic Theater. Mystic Theater. It's a great theater Comedy Festival Fantastic There's so many great people there At the Mystic Theater Mystic Theater It's a great theater Let's sell this bad boy out Jay and I are going to do An hour stand up show I believe before it Or after it

After And you're going to tell One secret about the other person At this show We will If you guys are there One secret about the other person You got to show up

To find out what it is You got to show up And it's huge They hinted at it It has something to do With the Solo franchise Dumb People Town The Hope Yeah. Dumb People Town. The Hope Solo franchise.

Hope Solo franchise. Dumb People Town is at 6 o'clock. 6 o'clock at the Majestic Theater. So come have a happy hour with us or Mystic. And then Saturday night, I'm doing a headlining set. Hey! I think we're on like 8 or 10. Dan DeVan Kirk, you got to love it.

All right, let's get into this last story. Here we go. Ready? Bar fight that you cannot win. Sent in by Francis Rizzo. Ford Coppola. The third. Francis Rizzo. Ford Coppola. The third. What if Francis Ford Coppola was a huge fan of this show?

I guarantee he is. How great would that be? I would love it. I would love it. What was Francis' last name in Stripes? Oh, I just knew. Don't call me Francis. Did they say it?

No. They don't ever say it. That's what they did. I bet they do at some point. Yeah. Relax, Francis. I literally could just read you the first sentence. Okay.

I want to hear it. That's all we need. It's a short story, but it is worth it a lot. Here we go. Let's bring it home. At Francis Rizzo 3. Thanks, buddy. Fighting?

His own reflection in a bar window has led to an Iowa City man's arrest. By the way, I think you can win that. No, you cannot. You're right. You can knock the guy out. He fought his own reflection at an Iowa City bar.

I love that. I love this story. I don't know how there's more to it. You don't need it, right? No. It's one for the eight. It's the story that the bar will tell for the next 50 years. It's great.

At any point in the story, feel free to guess how old you think this person is. Otherwise, we'll do it at the end. Okay. Iowa City Police were called to Bo James, which I guess is the bar. Mr. Bo James. Mr. Bo. Mr. Bo James. I just heard that song again, Mr. Bo Jangles.

Great song. Oh, it's a beautiful song. Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Jim Croce, which version? Sammy Davis Jr. Sammy Davis Jr. and Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. I don't think Jim Croce ever did that. Really?

Mr. Bo Jangles? I'm pretty sure he did. Croce never did it. No? I feel like I do. I feel like I have that song. I will absolutely tell you that Croce never did Bo Jangles. It was Nitty Gritty Dirt Man and Sammy Davis Jr.

No, but Jim Croce did love a good person's song. Don't mess around with Jim. Bad, bad Leroy Brown. Leroy Brown and... I Got a Name, Photographs and Memories, Time in a Bottle. These are all great songs. One of those is my parents' wedding song. Ooh, do you remember which one?

Yeah, it was Time in a Bottle. I know all the words to it. Yeah, I love that. I love some Jim Croce. Yeah, Cro's time in a bottle. I know all the words to it. Yeah, I love that. I love some Jim Croce. Yeah, Croce's amazing. The way they used Croce in the first episode of Transparent, unbelievable. Hit it.

I knew it, too. Croce? I knew it, too, dude. That's what it's listed as. It's not. It's not. That's a nitty gritty jerk. They mislabeled it?

They mislabeled it. All right, good. That's wrong. That's wrong. But technically, you were both right. Yeah. But in essence, I'm wrong. Yeah, but you knew you had it credited to that person.

I had it on my phone. It's in your phone wrong, but it is because you don't see the photo. It didn't come up as a photo. No, that's a Napster. That's from Napster. That's like when I downloaded some of those. That's like when I was in college. Guys, I'm going to get the, in 22 minutes, we're going to have this song.

You're like, did Sublime do Mr. Bojangles? It says so. It sounds like it. It's nitty gritty derp. Is this crazy? Did Gwar do the theme for Moana? I can't believe Gwar did. I was like, hey, remember me from Coco?

Is that Gwar? That song's sad. That'll be my wedding song. My kids will love it. Remember Me? Yep. A death song? Iowa City Police were called to Bo James on East Washington Street,

added to the Dumb People Town walking tour, just before 2 a.m. Wednesday. This is when the bar is about to close. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So shit's going. You better get it or hit it. After a report of a male banging on the glass window.

Of course. There they found... A window, not even a mirror. No. Wow. So that's not even a full reflection. Well, that's why it was more... If it was a mirror, then maybe he would have known it was reflection.

But when it was the glass kind of tricked him. He could see the depth behind it. Yeah. He's like, wait a minute. I see there's someone in there. Okay. And there's a room outside. Joshua?

This guy who's like... Who's matching my intensity. Isn't that... It wasn't Seinfeld's great joke. Was that like a parakeet? And it flies in and hits the mirror. And he's like, wouldn't you think it would try to avoid hitting the other parakeet? That's funny.

Joshua Job Brousey. Job is his middle name? Yeah, Job. Do you think it's Job? Do you think it's Job? In Iowa City? Yeah, it's Job. That's very biblical in Iowa City.

JJB? Yeah. Of North Lynn Street was found leaning against the door when police arrived. He was also seen punching the glass window as officers approached him. There you go. Look, he's mad at this guy and he's not going to take anymore. No, he's done. Brousey admitted to drinking earlier in the night

and showed multiple signs of intoxication. When asked why he was hitting the window, Browsey said another male was hitting him back. Uh-uh.

Wow. Fist to fist. And his fist was meeting his fist. He's like, stop blocking me. He was just equally as skilled.

He knew all of my moves as I was doing them. He knew everywhere I was doing them. It knew everywhere I was doing them. It was insane. It was like no one could get a punch in edgewise. Oh, my God. Stop blocking me, you son of a bitch.

It was insane. Stop it. It's crazy. Oh, you think you're fast, don't you? You think you're fast? A guy yelling at a window to stop it. Yeah. That's insane.

This guy was incredible at Meisner exercises. He was like an incredible. Stop saying what I say. Stop moving your mouth. Stop it. He was like an incredible. Stop saying what I say. Stop saying what I say. Stop moving your mouth. Stop moving your mouth. Stop moving your mouth. You just start making out with it.

Imagine if the four of us are in that bar on the other side of the window watching him. It's the greatest thing in the world. I'm doing an angle where I'm not in the reflection. That's correct. And I'm just filming the greatest thing in the world. I'm doing an angle where I'm not in the reflection, and I'm just filming the whole thing. So there was, back when we went to San Francisco in 1994 to visit friends post-college. Was San Francisco, was the bridge built yet?

They just had the big fire. Oh, they just had that big fire. Yeah, exactly. A cow tipped over. No. So we're there, but it was a very different city. This was the 1900s. Yes, of course.

As my son referenced to me. That's a great line. My son was like, do you want to see the original Jumanji? Because we had just seen the other one. He was like, that's an old movie. That's from the 1900s. I'm like, don't you ever say that again. Don't you ever.

How dare you? So like 1900s, it's like friends of ours worked part time at a bookstore and lived in the hate. Like that's how much. In San Francisco. Yeah. You can't afford to do that. You can't do that anymore.

And so we're there, and our friend gave us each, like, a pot cookie to eat at a street fair. You and pot cookies. Didn't realize how powerful it was going to be. San Francisco weed is probably very different than regular weed. And by the way, a street fair or a street kind of festival, amazing thing in San Francisco. The color. It was beautiful. Then we went to a party where a woman had cooked like 10 pies.

And then we're sitting in like there's a glass door to a patio outside. And we're all kind of sitting and just trying to land the high that is the plane that is our high. I don't even think anyone was talking. No one was really talking. We were just sitting on couch. And a young woman, God bless her. I felt so bad for her. But this was really talking. We were just sitting on couches. And a young woman, God bless her, I felt so bad for her, but this was the greatest thing I ever saw.

In the darkness of a night where you can't see whether the door is open or not, came with full force right into the glass thing. Right into the glass thing. Oh, no. This, in that one moment

I felt so bad. Oh, no. And she was fine. But this was, for us, the most entertaining thing. The funniest thing I've ever thing. So imagine a guy. Sitting in the bar. Sitting in the bar and a guy is just going at the window.

You mentioned the preamble of it, too, where he's like, do something. Yeah. Do something. Oh, my God. Say it again. Say it again. No, don't say what I said back to me. Don't talk when I talk.

You say it again. That first look has got to be so amazing. Like a side eye being like. What the fuck are you looking at, dude? Are you lying to me? What? This isn't as intense, but when we were in high school, I don't know if you guys had this in high school, there would be keg parties at like the, okay.

So we had keg parties at the thing. The whole idea is some kid would buy the keg. You have to pay five bucks for a cup, and you can get all you can drink. Exactly. Sure. So we would do that, and for basketball, I was always slow, which, by the way, didn't work. I was like, I'm going to do cross country this year because I'm going to get myself faster,

and I found out cross country just makes it so you can run longer. But I did not gain any speed. Ben Schwartz is like staying way after practice, but he's still as slow as he ever was. So me and my friend Rob Kim, who was a wrestler in the public school, Edgemont High School in the suburbs. And we both took it, and we both were the worst. The worst at cross country.

So we'd always come last, but we'd be next to each other pushing. And I have a great story about how you're not supposed to curse, I guess. And I was not as good to be in the best race. I was in the second best race. So the people who were in the best race were running, and I was going like, fuck yeah, come on. And the coach pulls me aside and he goes, he goes, you almost got us kicked out of this whole thing. Now get on the fucking bus or something like that.

And I got on the bus and he saw me like that I was sad and he goes, you know what? You can run your race. And this is how I did not take the sport seriously. I ate a full General Tso's chicken before I. Oh no. And so I was like, and I was so pumped

because I was like, I'm going to do this because I fucked up and I'm going to prove myself and I pushed myself so hard. Of course I threw up. I threw up everywhere. So me and Rob came at this party and what happens every single time, which now as an adult is very funny and you can see is the cops come every single time. They know we an adult is very funny and you can see is the cops come

every single time. Of course. They know we're drinking and we get so scared because the lights go on and what that does is it scatters 150. It's like roaches

when the light comes on. So we saw the lights come on and we're in, we're on the football field at the fucking elementary school, some stupid thing that high school people do. Dumb, terrible idea.

And we're running and Rob and I are leaps and bounds ahead of the other people. And we're like, hey! And we're like high-fiving each other, and we're laughing. And so Rob sees a fence, and if he can just jump the fence, right, then there's no way any police can get in. And I'm laughing hysterically, and we're all like, this is amazing. And I'll never forget it.

He sees a fence, and he does one of those action, you know, like when you grab it and you pull your legs over to the side. Yeah, yeah. He's running, and there was a full oak tree on the other side. So it was like a goddamn cartoon, where it's just like, look at us, we're so fast.

Running, running, running, running. And he goes, hey, hey, hey, look at this. And he runs, and it's just like, he's airborne, he hits it, and it falls to the ground. And it was the funniest thing. It is the greatest thing ever. And it was so...

It's like a legit life pratfall in life. That's exactly right. Airborne, he hits it and it falls to the ground. And it was the funniest thing. It is the greatest thing ever. And it was so helpful. It's like a legit life pratfall in life. That's exactly right. It is brilliant. And the joy we felt. It's like, you know when you're kids and you can't stop laughing? Yes. Because you're like, look what we did.

We did it cross country. And the reason that it helped us is we get away from the cops. You're drunk. Love it. You're also getting away. And high school drunk, which is like you're probably acting a little bit more. And then your friend does something really stupid. Oh, my God.

That's perfect. Sorry, it just reminded me of that. Oh, I love it. Guy punching window. Yes. He admitted to drinking. Okay. I forget where I even was.

Oh, he's seeing punch the door. So he's leaning up against the door. So he admitted to drinking earlier in the night. No shit. And showed multiple signs of intoxication, like fighting himself in a rear. That's all you need. One sign. We need one sign.

Wrap it up. That's a wrap. When asked why he was hitting the window, JJB said another male was hitting him back. That's right. Oh, my God. Subsequent question, he determined that Browsey had been fighting his own reflection.

Those cops had to be like, walk me through this, man. We figured it out. I also imagine him before he even started. Post it on Facebook. Outside smoking a cigarette being like, walk me through this. We figured it out. I also imagine him before it even starts posting on Facebook. Outside smoking a cigarette being like, I'm going to turn around and you better not fucking still be there.

You're still here? What? I swear to God, if just a slight alteration of this, the reflection was like the part of you that made mistakes in your life, this could be an episode of Black Mirror. Yes! I was just telling you guys. It's like when Green Goblin looks in the mirror in those old Spider-Man things. Right, and he's talking

to himself. When asked if he was fighting himself because he was extremely drunk, JJB replied, you're drunk. In the affirmative. In the affirmative. What did the guy look like? I mean, his face was his 10, body 9,

big dick. Huge! You should have seen how big his dick was. You definitely are talking like just 10, body 9. Yeah. Big dick. Huge. You should have seen how big his dick was. You definitely are talking like you saw your own real dick. I don't know. And I looked at him, and I was like, oh, my God. How are you so beautiful? I'm going to punch this look off your face. He's saying all sorts of things.

He's like, hey, man, we're going to fight, but I want to know. You look like you've been misunderstood. A lot of people don't really understand that you're trying to get shit together in your life. All right? There's one thing I understand. My fist is going to hit your fist? What the fuck? How do you know?

Browsey was arrested and charged with public intoxication. He pleaded guilty and was fined $65. I would do assault and battery. By the way, $65 seems like- How do you get that number? $65 at this point seems like far too little and far too much. It's going to be enough to keep him there for days. We charge him for, you guys want to see Avengers?

Three takes of Avengers? We charge him for $65. All right. Popcorn, $85. I'll ask you guys. We'll play three rounds today. How old is Joshua Jobe Browsey? Oh, that's an older gentleman.

Do you want to go first, Tig, or third? You know what I want to fucking go. I want to go Ben. Ben Tigger. We'll figure out who the third is. I want... Oh, God. This could be anything. I'm going to say 42 years old. 42 years old. That's a mad man.

61. 61 years old. I don't mind that. I think he's 29. 29 years old. You're right. You can tell by Dan's reaction exactly what it is. No, I don't think I'm right. This is what Kevin Pollak tried to say and he was wrong. 29 years old. You're right. You can tell by Dan's reaction exactly what it is. No, I don't think I'm right. This is what Kevin Pollak tried to say, and he was wrong. He was wrong. Go ahead.

Take me to the river. Written by Jim Croce. Drop me in the water. You sure? I'm talking it. I have it. Joshua Job Browsey. A man who really beats himself up over things.

He's getting browsy. Is. He's getting browsy. 23 is. He's getting browsy. 23 years old. Oh, yeah. Who guessed 28? I guessed 29. That's incredible.

I got two. That's incredible. Holy smokes. 23, that's just a kid. Can we see a picture? There isn't one. There's no picture right now. You can see a reflection.

You can see a reflection of him. In the window. Those are great stories. Thank you to all of our townies who sent in. That was fantastic. Join the Facebook page. Again, we are going to see a reflection of him. Those are great stories. Thank you to all of our townies who sent in. Join the Facebook page. Again, we are going to announce and put together. How fun is this show?

Show's the best, dude. We're going to announce our Drip slash Patreon campaign. That'll be coming up soon. Yep. So look for that. And there's a way where you can donate and get extra content and all that great stuff. Ben Schwartz, cannot wait to see those movies coming out. Yeah, come.

I just wish you had more coming out this year. I mean, seven. Seven. Maybe next year you'll do better in the movie game I apologize and go see him

at San Diego Balboa Theater this Friday only a few tickets left two days left get them now if you're there and oh shit

we gotta get back to work