Dumb People Town - Bert Kreischer - Nobody Puts Greenlee in a Corner (Live from Phoenix!)

Episode Date: November 20, 2018

Jason, Randy, and Daniel start the show off with some Flato-isms, then are joined by a bonafide expert in doing dumb things, comedian Bert Kreischer!  In Story 1, we've got a Greenlee!  Two women were arrested after trying to re-enact a scene from Dirty Dancing in a wine store.Story 2 is the tale of a woman who claims a ghost dragged her child across the floor and possessed him, so she enlists a professional named Spooky Julie to help.Then some Townies bring news stories of their own! Including: a wild car chase, the story of a true-life forensic scientist who experiences dumb criminals all day long, appliance-thieves who left their phone number at the scene of the crime, and a man who burned down his house while trying to incinerate spiders!

Thank you. Don't make this up. Don't listen to our podcast. We're here to cause harm and death. Remember, we won't be a jerk. We'll respect your vision. Just the funny hits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Welcome to Downy's Dumb People Town.

All right. Hey, townies. Welcome to a live episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population U. Population U. Thank you guys so much for being here. This is a thrill to be in Phoenix. You know, it's sad for us that they've taken away the tent cities.

Yeah. I mean, that was the original separation of families, right? You guys were doing it before it was cool. You guys did it. Daniel, how are you, sir? I am excellent. How are you, gentlemen? Are you hydrated?

Do you feel Phoenix ready? Oh, hell yeah. Phoenix strong? I love a good Phoenix winner. Let's get into this shit. Well, as you know, whenever we do a live Dumb People Town, we always make reference to our spirit animal, the man who drives a lot of us.

The mascot and mayor. He's like our little Sebastian. That's right. He's like, if the Philly fanatic was like an alderman. And crazier looking. And crazier looking. We always say he looks like if Vern Lundquist worked at the Guitar Center.

Let's get him up here. Get a picture of him. We have Jan Flato, and it is... Love you, Jan! center let's get him up here okay get a picture we have jan flato and it is uh yeah love you jan jan so i i was the great thing is the photo we use is also the one they're going to use with the words have you seen this man or or may he rest right right now we're all looking at this but somewhere there's a guy half-drunk by himself being like, this is the last

picture I got of my dad. But like, if Jan went missing, he'd be on cartons of almond milk. It wouldn't be like... He looks like a shark with a mullet. That's exactly what it is. He looks like a shark with a mullet. That's exactly what it is. He looks like a thumb came to life.

He looks like those sunglasses will never transition. Just like Caitlyn Jenner. Why she killed the woman? She doesn't want it. She doesn't want it. So Randy and I, you know, we try and write some truisms about Jan, and Randy and I spend weeks and weeks, and then Dan comes up with them off the top of his head,

and they're funnier than ours. That's debatable. So you want to kick some off? I will start the first one. Jan Flato wears a neck pillow while driving. That's nothing wrong with that. I'm going to start off by going blue, if that's possible. Okay.

Jan Flato last year cut out red meat and replaced it with pussy. Okay. Fair enough. Jan Flato lets certain people call him Janet. Jan Flato cried at the end of Joe Dirt. end of Joe Dirt. Jan Flato still frequently uses his desktop computer. In 1997,

Jennifer Aniston walked onto the set of Friends and said, give me the Janifer. Yes. Jan Flato's in a Guess Who cover band called That's Who. Okay. Jan Flato's not racist because he loves Darius Rucker. Yeah, that's right. Jan Plato's not racist because he loves Darius Rucker. Yeah, that's right.

Jan Plato once told an iguana to fuck off. Jan Plato has never boarded a Southwest Airlines flight earlier than C-52. He doesn't know how to do it. Jan Plato always carries a backup cell phone holster just in case. Jan Flato's the only person in history to break into Alcatraz.

Jan Flato has a whole closet dedicated to his bolo tie collection. Hell yeah. Jan Flato's hair is a protected marshland. Jan Flato can still be reached by beeper. More than one occasion, Jan Flato has given his masseuse a happy ending.

Jan Flato wears more rings than fingers. Jan Flato likes to tell people that his t-shirts are ribbed for his pleasure. Jan Flato has told more than one woman that he puts the O in OBGYN. In every city, Jan Flato has a barbecue spot he can't remember.

Jan Flato's cholesterol is 1,800. Let's do it. All right. Love you, Jan. Love you, Jan. Love you, Jan. Thank you. And all the people who joined the drip,

we're trying to raise money to get Jan his money back. Thank you, guys, for that. thank you. And all the people who joined the drip, we're trying to raise money to get Jan his money back. Thank you, guys, for that. Thank you. And then when we do, we're going to present him with a giant novelty check and then hire a Russian woman to come steal it and take it away. That's right.

And it's always fun to be in the town together, the three of us, but then we like to bring a guest to join us to make comments about what is going on. And I feel like we have someone on this show today. He's done the show before. He may have done dumber things than the people in our stories, and that's a rarity, but he's proud of it.

He is uniquely positioned to understand the behavior of the people here, and he's one of my favorite comics. Would you please welcome our friend Bert Kreischer, everybody? Bert Kreischer! Bert Kreischer! I love you. Please welcome our friend Bert Kreischer, everybody. Bert Kreischer! Bert Kreischer! As he walked out, he spilled coke all over the chair.

The chair that he was supposed to sit on. Soda. Soda. Soda. For the listener at home, there's powder everywhere. Just spilled a ton of cocaine right out there. Soda. Soda. Sorry. For the listener at home, there's powder everywhere. Yeah, there is. Just spilled a ton of cocaine right out there. Bert, welcome to Phoenix.

Welcome to town. How you doing? Anything crazy happen to you in your life recently? I feel like every day is like, well, I was on the plane and I punched a baby. Whoa. I feel like I am Jamfledo. I've been in, I've done, like, I have a parallel path with him in life because, like, I took motorcycle riding lessons. Every guy in there looks like Jamfledo. Every guy that takes scuba diving lessons looks like Jamfledo.

Jamfledo walks through Target with scuba diving hands. You ever see scuba divers always have their hands? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dude, if I had not found stand-up comedy, I would be Jan Plato at the bar looking at the young girls going, I got this. Look at you, coming in hot with the Flato.

I love this Jamflato guy. I mean, this guy is amazing. He is our spirit animal. Jamflato should be my tour manager. This is what I want. I want Jamflato to walk on my tour bus, look at the group and go, surprised to do business. Throw money at that problem. Exactly.

James Lato walks on your tour bus and is like, one of you ain't making it through this. And just walks off. Who else has states they're not allowed in? You're going to make this tour real easy. Well, we believe that the world is getting dumber, and the only way to fight back is through comedy.

Dan gets these unbelievable stories sent to him from you, our amazing listeners, our D-Bugs, our dumb boots on the ground. Daniel, should we start with a story? Let's do it. You guys ready to tell me the story? First off, let me ask, did any townies here tonight bring stories with them? One, two,

three. Okay, good. We'll get to that later. You better bring it hot, guys, when you come up. All right, let's kick off this Dumb People Town. This was sent good. This was sent in by Kim Frights. She did that thing where she changed it sent in by Kim Frites. She did that thing where she changed it for Halloween. Kim Frites.

Yeah. That's the thing, I think, where people change their handles for Halloween. At Kimberly Frites. Kim, you've been around for a long time. We love you in this town. All right, you ready? Yes, we're ready. We've got a Greenlee.

Oh, yes. Explain. Okay. Explain to yes. Explain. Okay. Explain to Bert. Okay. So in Palm, it's called the TC Palm, which is Palm Beach, Florida. Palm Beach, Florida. I guess it's Palm Beach.

This guy, Will Greenlee, who is a journalist. Can we call him that? I can't put enough air quotes around that. Right. He writes like somebody who's getting graded. Exactly. No, my theory is that he has 1,500 words to fill

and the stories are always 1,200. So he tends to over-explain something that is so obvious that we does not need any explaining for anybody ever. I think he thinks he's writing the stories for the dumb idiots in the story.

And then we always like to play a great game, and Dan will play this. Is it Greenlee writing this, or is it Dan trying to fuck with us? Because he has the craziest sense. He's done stories where he differentiated between a broom and a mop. And then explain how a broom is different from a mop.

There was another one where he told the reader how an anchor works. Wait, wait. What's the difference between a broom and a mop? A mop would be more like, what's up, peace bro, where a broom's like, yes sir, no sir. Bert, you've already gotten way more creative than you really are. He literally, it's like a broom, commonly in a closet is used for sweeping things up.

Whereas a mop commonly found in a basement or garage or any sort of utility room can be used. To clean up wet messes. Right. It goes there. Are you ready for this? Are we ready? And the story is always fun too. Okay.

Jensen Beach. Okay. A woman said to have been, said to have have been trying to reenact a scene from Dirty Dancing no now here's the thing what if it's the sister getting an abortion that's what I want to know

thank you Dan everyone thinks it's the scene where he picks her up it could easily be the scene where they're covering up the abortion this is the scene where they're covering up the abortion. This is the scene you think of, right? Exactly. No.

No. What if it's just she's recreating one of the background actors eating dinner at the bank of the bank? See, like, if it's the abortion scene,

it's, I didn't have the time of my life. No. Or, or, Oh, oh, sorry. At a comedy festival, we went over the line. Oh, yeah, sorry. Jesus, sorry. At a comedy festival, we went over the line.

Jesus, Phoenix. I had that one time in my life. Jerry Arbuck. I want it to be, if you're giving me an option, you're doing the fucking log scene. The log scene is the cut you want to do. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Yes. in the fucking log scene. The log scene is the cut you want to do. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, okay.

Yes. If you're walking into a party, you want that whole group behind you. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, yeah. I want to walk into a lot of parties like that. Just with your own,

that's on your tour bus. Like, all right, guys, let's go. They said that she was trying to react a scene from Dirty Dancing in a business, and she may need to rehearse elsewhere. So this is just in public. That's because the woman, Cindy Barianetos,

I don't know, another episode where I can't say a person's name, was arrested and taken to the Martin County Jail after the September 17th incidents. We all remember where we were on September 17th. Never forget. Never forget.

It's also plural. Did she do multiple scenes? The incidents. The incidents. This is according to the Martin County Sheriff's Records. Deputies went to, this is where, I mean, if you're going to recreate. The scene from Dirty Dancing. Or any Patrick Swayze movie

Roadhouse. She could be kicking the shit out of people left and right. You better do it at a place called Total Wine and More. Because it's your weekend to not have the kids. It's the first time you've had wine that isn't from a box. Total Wine and More. And you just, it's Friday't from a box. Oh, I know. Total wine and more.

And you just, it's Friday night at a total wine and more, and you're like, fucking rack it up. Let's go. Let's go. I want some and more. This is in the 2500 block of Northwest Federal Highway. So I had that to a dumb people's town walking tour. In reference to two individuals who are believed to be intoxicated and causing a disturbance. So she had that walking to her in reference to two individuals who are believed

to be intoxicated and causing a disturbance. So she had a dance partner. Oh, yes. What do you think came first? The dance partner or the well, no, I mean, like, where do you want to rehearse tonight? Or hey, look, we got drunk off these free samples of cab.

I've been there. It's that no one goes there going. Let's do you're just like, oh my God, dirty dancing. I've been there. It's that. Yeah, it's that. No one goes there going, let's do, you're just like, oh my God, Dirty Dancing, shut the fuck up. I got an idea.

I got an idea. Well, part of me hopes that this is just like the shittiest flash mob. We got me and one other person, but we're going to do it. We got it. I also think

that conversation starts with, do we have enough room to do this here? And of course, they don't. Right, right. You mind if we move this rack of zaps over to the... So, the manager reported that two women were trying to reenact a scene from the movie Dirty Dancing.

Rated PG-13. See? This is fucking greenly 1500 words he's only at 1200 okay just always keep that in mind rated at pg-13 now i don't know if we told you this already mr kreischer but so part of this is when he goes into an aside i'm gonna read it and then you have to guess whether or not greenlee wrote this or I wrote it, embellishing his article even further. Rated PG-13, Dirty Dancing is a film from 1987 starring the late Patrick Swayze and

Jennifer Grey. Who said it? Greenlee or me? Greenlee, because he pointed out rated PG-13 because what's about to happen is rated R. I think it's Greenlee as well. Yeah, there wasn't enough absurd details. That's Greenlee.

Okay. I would like to get two more people from the audience to make a guess. Would anyone like to play Greenlee or Dan? Pick a white person. How are we going to find one in Phoenix? I'm sorry, sir. You're behind the speaker. I'm sorry, sir. Hey. You're behind the speaker.

I couldn't see you. If it's any consolation, sir, you're the whitest black person I've ever seen. I'm kidding. Do you want to answer? What do you think? Sure. I'll give it up to my man, D.B. King. Oh, yes.

What's your name, my man? What's your name? Greg. Greg. Thank you. Anybody else? Yes, sir. Right down here in a beautiful blue hat with a red C. I like that. I don't know what that man? What's your name? Greg. Greg. Thank you. Anybody else? Yes, sir. Right down here in a beautiful blue hat with a red C.

I like that. I don't know what that team is. I don't know what that means. Is that for Colorado? Yeah, maybe. Okay. What do you think? DVK.

All right. So we got Greenlees and the DVKs out in the audience. All right. They did PG-13. Dirty Dancing is a film from 1987 starring the late Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey. The person who wrote that is Greenlee. Greenlee, you've done it again.

I knew it. The movie features significant amount of dancing. Please say the next sentence is hence its title. Hence its title. I'm joking. I'm joking.

I'm joking. I'm joking, but I wanted it to be true. You know what? Because I know it doesn't feel as good now, but you had that moment in your life. Dude, that's better than having my children. That's like when you put money down and it hits on 11 and you're like, shut the fuck up!

And you have that split second where the wheel comes around and you see the ball on 11 and it's just you. And you're like, ooh! Do that more to me. Do you want to know what really is crazy? I bet one number when I play roulette. Do you want to know what it is crazy? I bet one number when I play roulette. Do you want to know what it is?

11. You're doing it again. You're doing it again. I swear. I swear on my grandfather's grave. He'll die someday. He's still alive. Still alive.

Still alive. It's set in the summer of 1963 as Gray's character, Baby, falls in love with Johnny Castle, a dance instructor played by Swayze in one of the surprise hits from that era. Who said it? Greenlee or me?

You are our guest. You have the right to go first, TIG, or third. Wait, say it again. Say it again. Okay. It's set in the summer of 1963, as Gray's character, Baby, falls in love with Johnny Castle, a dance instructor played by Swayze in one of the surprise hits from that era.

I think that's you. Okay. I'm going to go Greenlee. Kreischer says me. I'm going Greenlee. Randy Sklar says Greenlee. I'm saying Greenlee, too. He just kept going.

Jason Sklar. Like he couldn't stop himself. Says Greenlee. By the way, and I'll say this, when Greenlee starts, nobody puts Greenlee in the corner. All right. All the way in the back. You had your hand up, my man. And what's your name?

Edgar. Edgar says Greenlee. And gentlemen over here in the throwback shirt. I got to go with Dan. Dan. Okay. And what's your name, brother? Justin.

Justin, I'm pretty sure your goatee could beat the shit out of me. Okay. His goatee could beat the shit out of Jim Rome. His goatee is Jim Rome. It's set in the summer of 1963 as Grey's character, Baby, falls in love with Johnny Castle, a dance instructor played by Swayze in one of the surprise hits from that era.

The person who wrote that is... Greenlee. Knew it. Knew it. God, this guy is... Which, by the way, he said 1963 and he said the movie was from that era. The movie was from the 80s. It wasn't from 1963.

That is true. He could have expanded more. He could have said it was from a different era. Not the era that it was representing. It was a period piece. Come on, Green. 1963 was a hard time for this. I'm joking. Okay. Come on. I mean, you're leaving words on the table, Greenlee.

Meanwhile, okay, it is not clear what scene they worked to reenact. Meanwhile, the manager said the woman, women, sorry, were trying to buy alcohol. The manager probably didn't say, quote, I've had the time of my life because the women were refused service and told to leave. Okay.

I'm not even going to ask you. Greenlee wrote that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Also, let's not skip over the fact that they were trying to buy alcohol. At a wine place. So does that mean that they were in the aisle and then were like,

we got to do something to kill this time. How do we make this better? Why isn't everybody like me and you just sneak a little bottle of rum chata at the checkout and drink that while you wait? I don't know. It's a Van Kirk family tradition. Rum chata. Yeah, well you pay for it, but you see how many

midi bottles you can drink while you're waiting. Alright. It should be noted that both subjects re-entered the business. That is on the people who work there. If you kick two people out of your store for trying to reenact Dirty Dancing

and then let them back in, let them do the whole goddamn movie. It's on you. I mean, it's a reverse Me Too moment. These women were told you can't come in And then they re-enact Well maybe this was just Part of the re-enactment

Maybe they walked in And they go I always do the last dance Of the season Yes Yes Touche I've seen that movie

Too much Right? Want to know a secret? I've never seen it. I've seen the log scene and I thought it was great. I've never seen it. It's really good.

It is really good. It's really good. Right after I watch When Harry Met Sally and The Sound of Music, I'll get to that. Oh my god, Dan. Who wants to fight? Let's fucking go. I'm sorry I watched Stand By Me again. I'll get to that. Oh my god, Dan. Who wants to fight? Let's fucking go. I'm sorry I watched Stand By Me again. It's a perfect film.

It is a great movie. No one's disputing it. Okay. I don't think I've seen The Sound of Music either. Really? I've heard it's phenomenal. It's so good. It's pretty good. Is that about... It's about a lot of dancing. It's when Julie Andrews was a Nazi. No.

Is that her thing? I thoughts was a Nazi. No. She wasn't a Nazi. I thought it was about gentrification. In a way it is. One of the women was escorted out. One of the women was escorted out while the other, Barintas, we're going to go with that,

was found in her vehicle. Investigators say she had bloodshot eyes and smelled of booze, which I hope that means she forgot how to start a car. Yes. And you know what? Thank God. Good for her. She's in the backseat with the key going, I don't get it. I don't get it.

Investigators say she had bloodshot eyes and smelled of booze, as opposed to beer. Booze is hard alcohol like vodka or whiskey. It has been distilled to make the alcohol content higher. Beer is an alcoholic beverage fermented from cereal grains, usually barley and wheat. Beer has a much lower amount of alcohol than booze. Who said it? Me or Greenlee?

Greenlee. Okay. I think that's you, Dan. That's Dan. That's Dan. Would two people like to play this game? Gentlemen,. Okay. I think that's you, Dan. That's Dan. That's Dan. Would two people like to play this game? Gentlemen, right here. Say your name, sir.

Josh. Josh. Dan. That is Dan. Okay. Thank you. Yes, right here. That's Greenlee.

That's Greenlee. Wow. Janessa. Janessa. The person who said that beer is different than booze. And then explained how. And then explained how. And explained exactly how. That was written by me.

Yes! Sklaris, Sklaris, are you three for three? Yes. I think we're three for three. Which has never happened. Which never happens at all. Investigators say she got belligerent and didn't do as she was told, proving that, like baby, Cindy Berentas couldn't be as she was told, proving that like baby, Cindy

Berentas couldn't be put in a corner or a cruiser. Who said it? Me or Greenlee? Oh, wow. Who said that? Him or Greenlee? I'm going you. I'm going Greenlee. I say Greenlee. Okay. Let's get two more people to play. Gentlemen right here.

Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't see you. I thought it was a woman or I thought it was a man. Miss, I apologize to you. Okay. Let's get two more people to play. Gentleman right here. Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't see you. I thought it was a man. Miss, I apologize to you. I don't see gender. I'm woke as fuck. I don't see gender.

Everything's on a continuum. I don't know why you're coming down on Dan. That is green. Okay, and what's your name? Stephanie. Stephanie, and right back here, Miss. Perfect man name. Okay, yes.

What is it? Me, and what's your name? Nadine. Hi, Nadine. Perfect man name. Okay, yes. What is it? Me? And what's your name? Hi, Nadine. Welcome to town. Proving that like baby, Cindy Berentas couldn't be put in a corner or a cruiser. That was written by Daniel Van Gogh. Yeah.

Sklars couldn't run the table. No. Berentas of Port St. Lucie was arrested on disorderly intoxication charge. We're going to get out of here on this. A round of Guess the AG. Now, how old do you think Cindy Berentas

is? Let's review what we know. She's seen the movie. Yeah. She knows it. She wants to act it out. We're at a... She's seen enough She wants to act it out. She's seen enough that she can act it out while drunk. What are we at? A wine and more? Total wine and more? Total wine and more. Does anybody remember what day of the week the 17th is?

No, but I love how much, like, they're kind of telling you a lot, but telling you no details whatsoever. Like, what was she doing? Okay, so how old is she? 47. Okay. 47 years old. Wow. I'm about to be. Jay, go ahead.

I think she's 28. 28 years old. I think she's 59. 59 years old. 59. 59 and can still do the splits. That would have made her like 27 when she saw the movie Dirty Dancing.

What, 27-year-olds couldn't go see movies in the 80s? Of course. All right, I would like three people in our town right now to play this game. We're going to go with these two right here. We'll go all these three ladies right here. What's your name? Lisa. How old do you think Cindy Berentos is?

53 years old. Right over here. Ashley? Ashley? 41. Hi, Lisa. 42. 42.

41, 42, 53. 47, 59, 27? Or what did I say? 28. 28. Cindy Berentos. The woman who fucking left it all on that dance floor.

Yo, man, she... Inside a Total Wine & More on a Wednesday. On a Wednesday night. Got kicked out. Went back in. Was found in her car. Right, probably because her keys are somewhere near the Chardonnay. Yep.

Yeah, they're in the store. Is that an Alanis Morissette song? I'm going to show her picture as well. She is... 24 years old. What? What? Jason Squire.

That's some millennial drinking right there. Shut the fuck up She is 24 And it looks like 5'1 And her off time is like a Padma Lakshmi lookalike She's really hot Okay

I don't see gender But if you guys say so There we go story number one Down in the woods Let's take a break When we come back more Dumb People Town but if you guys say so. There we go. Story number one. Let's take a break. When we come back, more Dump People Town right after this. All right.

I got to read some names. Let's get into it. Some drip names. We want to thank all those people. Also, interesting news coming up about Drip, and we'll sort of break all that down for you in the future. But thank you to everyone who's contributed.

People like Brandon, leave it. Leave it. Do you want me to leave it? Did it. I think it's... Leave it. Whoa, boys. Matt Cain.

Matt Cain. Matt Cain. Matty Cain. Matt Cain. Matt Cain. Matty Cain. Matty Cain is a man. He's a big man. Tony Campbell. Tony Campbell. Tony Campbell and Don.

Tony Campbell soup. Travis Bales. He does not bail on this, I'll tell you that much right now. I appreciate you, Travis. How about Meredith Larson? You know what? It's great of Jay Larson's family to get on. Thank you.

Joseph J.J. Zappa. Joseph Frank Zappa. Samuel Price is right. Thank you, Samuel. Howard Deegan Holtz. That is the most Wisconsin name I've ever seen. Deegan Holtz is like an offensive lineman right now, I feel like, for the West. He's six and badgers.

Come on down to Deegan Holtz Ford. We'll get you in a Taurus today. Nothing on our lot is electric. All right. Natron 00. Natron means business. Joel. Thanks, Joel.

Yeah. Just straight up Joel. That's all Joel wanted you to know. I don't want him to have a last name. Just Joel. Thanks, Joel. David Bausch. Bausch and Lomb.

Bausch is one of my favorite shows on Amazon. Just got picked up for an eight season. That's Bausch, Danny. No, it's Bausch. No, Bausch is my dishwasher. None of Bausch's friends call him David. No one knows his first name. It's just like, Boushey.

I'm going to say this next one. Okay. Mitch Molesky. Hey, Mitch Molesky. Hey, Mitch Molesky. Mitch Molesky is the name of the cop who Dan calls in his story about leaving his backpack at Midway Airport. Officer Mitch Molesky.

How can I help? Molesky is also a certain level of bullshit that, like, people are like, there's malarkey. And it's like, oh, really? That's a bunch of malarkey right there. Kelsey Ingram. Yes. James Ingram. Katie Thompson. Thank you, Katie Thompson. Grant Green. Double G!

I know. Double G! Katie Thompson and Grant Green being being city council. All the way. Top notch. Top level. Ashley Kramer. Hello, Ashley Kramer. Thank you very much. How are you? I hope you're well. Stephanie Sum.

Get some. Get some. Get some. The sad thing is it took me a second. I was like, yeah, why are you just yelling at it? I was like, oh, it's the name. No, it's Get Some. We are the sum of Stephanie's parts, and she is also a council person.

Thank you very much. Private detective is this next person. Sean Girvin. Yep, Sean Girvin. Sean Girvin, private detective. Ricardo. Thank you, Ricardo. Again, you don't need a last name, buddy. Sean Girvin. Yep, Sean Girvin. Sean Girvin, private detective. Ricardo. Thank you, Ricardo. Again, you don't need a last name, buddy. Amanda Tolk, and I think it's not Tholk. I know, that's right.

I know Dan would have gone with Tholk, but it's T-H-O-L-K-E. Some people's names just look like an indie beat. Right? Oh, man. Right. She's the lead singer of Radiohead, right? Didn't she write The Hobbit? No. Alright, Amanda Tolk, thank you guys to all of you who supported Liz Ditt. Yes. Drip, please support that. Special shouts to David Bausch and Grant Green and Stephanie Sum.

You guys are amazing. Yeah, it just took it to another level. For all the people who give, we really appreciate it. It gives us a chance to do what we do, and we can't thank you enough. Let's get more people to do it, and let's get back into the show, shall we? Yeah, here we go. Hey, guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Our guest is, of course, Bert Kreischer.

And people can follow you. What are you doing? Tell them what you're doing. Well, the latest special, you had a special come out a couple months ago, right? One month ago? Yep, on Netflix called Secret Time. And I'm starting my Body Shots World Tour January 10th. Or January 9th now in Portland.

Or 8th, I think, now. Why does it keep moving? Is it sliding? Adding shows to now we're doing Tuesday and Wednesday. That's how good he is and that's how much people love him. You have your podcast. I have a podcast called Burtcast. I have a solo podcast called Open Tabs

where I open up all the Safari browser tabs over the weekend when I'm on the road and then I just go and close them with you. And I just basically learn about flash floods. Nothing wrong with that? Dude, flash floods are fucking hot, especially around this area. I don't know if there's one guy. This guy's last name's Rankin, and he catches flash floods

well before they show up and then chases with them. Bro, it is, I'm telling you, if you're into chaos, it's sexy. Okay, so it takes video footage of flash floods happening. Dude, this guy, I'm not even fucking around. I'm so you if you're into chaos is sexy. He's okay, so So takes video footage of flash money this guy. I'm not even fucking around I mean like you're so excited about this He's standing in the middle of a valley and he's like see that storm It's a coming and then he just sits there weird shape of your face right horse it Why would it be good he could have been either a flash fly guy or a ghost adventurer? And then and then all of a sudden he's like oh my god And then you don't you just see this like this blob of wood and sticks and rocks coming.

And he finds places where he runs with it, gets out of its way, and then cuts a corner and catches it again. Like, it's so fucking amazing. Who is this guy? Dude, Rankins is his name. He lives around here. And I don't know. I would be really into going on a flash flood with that guy. Yeah.

That's not cheating on your wife either, by the way. I just want you to know that. It's like he's not Indiana Jones. He's like Kansas Jones. You know what I mean? He brought his girlfriend one time. First of all, stop. The fact that that guy can get a woman. Amazing. He brought his girlfriend and his best friend

and they went and chased the flash flood and there was a second where I thought his girlfriend was getting swept up in it and part of me is like, take her! Take her! Let me be her is what you were saying in the depths. Dude, I'd fly out on my dime to go watch a flash flood. There's so many people. There's a girl named Kimmy Werner

who's a free diver, spear fisherman out of Hawaii that I'm obsessed with. Of course you are. So that's Open Tabs. Alright, good. I love that. Fantastic. I'm so in. Passionate so passionate love it I went hiking in the antelope valley and they you know they get bad flash floods and the guy I go so if a flash flood's coming how long will we have to get out of here I got the answer to this open that tab he goes depending on when we get the alarm about three minutes and I said and how long would it take our group to get out of here?

And he's like, about five. Dude, you don't have a chance. You don't have a chance. I said, are you serious? And he's like, be first on that ladder. Oh, my God. Dude, Zane Lamprey is this guy. He had a real popular show called Three Sheets when HDTV came out.

I'm stuttering. I'm so excited. It's okay. And he got caught in a flash flood here in Arizona. There's like a waterfall, like a really cool waterfall you can hike to, and he got caught in a flash flood and he almost died. Wow. Dude, flash floods are no joke. And we all, up to this

point, thought they were a hilarious joke. Thank you, Bert, for sending us all this. That's Bert's platform. That is Bert's platform and he's here to bring awareness to it. That's his next special. It's going to be done in a flash flood. They know that he has like 58 minutes to do

his stand-up special. He's like, Burt, and the way it's going to be promoted is Burt Kreischer tells a lot of jokes. You know what isn't a joke? Before I knew Burt, I thought tornadoes were hilarious. Not anymore! Alright, you want to do a second story?

Let's do a second story. Ready for another? All right. Let's do it. All of you have kids, correct? Yes. And who knows? Maybe I do, too.

Dan. Dan. For the sake of this story, let's say you do. Yeah. This story I picked because we're recording this around Halloween time. Love it. Love it. I mean, any time you can just get drunk and watch Hocus Pocus is good with me. This story.

They just showed Hocus Pocus at my daughter's school on the soccer field. Fuck yeah, they did, dude. And I dropped her off. It was one of those, like, I dropped my 11-year-old off at, like, a movie night at her middle school. And I literally dropped her off. And part of me is like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm dropping my daughter off. And I'll come back and pick her up. I've never done that ever.

And she was meeting some friends there. And then I stayed for like two minutes to watch Hocus Pocus. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Whatever, dude. I'll tell you something right now. Your daughter has a crush on Thackeray, and there's nothing you can do about it. I know. I know.

You're stuck. You're stuck. All right. Oh, for the record, I am a basic bitch. So... And I'm fucking proud of it. Nothing wrong with that. Hashtag truth. Alright. This just

scared me. So, let's pretend it's dark in here. A mom... This was sent in by Angus Blankenstein. Oh, God. I think that's another Halloween name change. I think it is. Or just a badass name.

Angus Blankenstein. Angus tells you that this is England and mom tells you that it's England. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At Blankers10. Thanks, you. And I want to say, just as a reminder, anybody who's listening to this or doesn't know, you can send me stories by going to at DanielVanKirk hashtag dumb people town. A mom has been forced to call in Ghostbusters after

claiming a spirit entered her child's bedroom above the Tots Thomas the Tank Engine bed. That's the scariest part of the story. Yeah. Thomas the Tank Engine is still around.

Because I'm like, once my kids outgrow it I'm like that shit's over right No one cares about that It was pretty dope though when George Carlin was the conductor He was the conductor Did Alec Baldwin do it too? Do you think George Carlin was psyched to do that? Or just to him it was like It's another job

I would love to do it wouldn't you want to do it? Probably I would want to hear his character do the seven words you can't say on television. As that character. As Thomas the Train, yeah. Welcome back to Talking Thomas. Christy Lee was left in hysterics after she says she found her screaming son, Kyran, K-Y-R-A-N, being dragged along the floor by an invisible entity.

What? Stop. No. Yes. I'm going to show you the pic of this bedroom, and just the pic of it is creepy because it looks like it's trying too hard to not be. Like a ghost designed it to be like,

don't worry, I'm not going to fucking drag you across the floor. Dan, Dan. A ghost designed it. Dan, am I going to hear like, oh my God. It says, on the wall it says, no joys on earth bring greater pleasure than a little boy to love and treasure. That's what a

fucking ghost says. Haunt that shit right now. Haunt it. Haunt it. That's a tattoo you cannot get just in case you go to prison. What are you in for? Oh, never mind. We're going to kill you now. Wait, so she's saying she walked into the room and her baby son was being dragged across the floor

by an invisible entity. It's not a baby. It's got to be at least two or three. That's not a crib anymore, but fine. You always think of them as your baby. Right. So when your child is being dragged across the floor by a spirit, you're always like,

oh, my baby. My baby. Oh, my preteen. Are you on something? Am I on something? Bert, you jump in and be like, guys, your baby being attacked by a ghost is not a laughing matter. Guys, I dealt with this on OpenTab last week.

It's very serious. At least your kid's not in a flash flood. I've always wondered. I did a thing with the ghost adventurers on Travel Channel. And the first thing I said to him was like, how come these ghosts are so progressive? And they're like, what do you mean? I was like, they're from like the 1800s. Why aren't they like, who's the black

guy holding the machine? Why are these women talking to you that way? There's a lot of Asians. Did we lose a war? Yeah, exactly. That was our album, Hipster Ghost. We said, like, if people are dying every day,

God is making new ghosts every day. How come there aren't, like, ghosts? Hipster Ghost. Hipster Ghost. And there's nothing more annoying than having a hipster ghost, like, haunting your house, right? Ooh, dope shirt. Exactly.

Do you like my bracelet? Or just down in your house going through your record collection. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. I can't. That is from our stand-up special. And it's gold. I can't claim it. Hey. It all works?

If the hipster boot fits, wear it. It all works. If the hipster boot fits, wear it. Wear it. When I was reading this, I wanted to ask you. If the gondolier outfit fits, wear it. You know you have a hipster ghost if all your grandma's hats are gone. Hipsters love a grandma hat.

They love it the deeper the purple the better yeah exactly but I wanted to ask you guys I didn't realize I was about to do a plug but I might as well we recently talked about ghosts on my podcast with Rory Scovel, pen pals

love it, great podcast and I asked him this question I'm going to ask you guys what is the least creepy thing that would have to happen for you to be like, well, fuck it, we're moving? Because every time I see these scary, like, possessed houses, I'm like, get the fuck out. Your dog just lit on fire in the kitchen.

Like, leave now. I don't care about your equity in the home. What would you have to see in your house? What's the least thing? I think you'd probably have to fuck my wife. Yeah. Because I've been

sexually assaulted by a ghost. You've been sexually assaulted by a ghost? Yeah, I definitely have. And I know that sounds fucking crazy. It sounds like you're right from Ghostbusters.

Wait, what happened? I got really, really heavy in bed. I was like half awake, half asleep. I got really, really heavy in bed. And all of a sudden, I felt like it was riding me. And then halfway in, I was like, my eyes still closed. And I'm like half awake, half asleep. I got really, really heavy in bed. And all of a sudden, I felt like it was riding me. And then halfway in, I was like, I'm like, eyes still closed.

And I'm like, is this a dude or a chick? And I was like, fuck it. I don't care. And I swear to God, I'm not even joking. I talked to the Ghost Adventures guys about it. And they're like, oh, yeah, ghosts fuck a lot of people. What? What in the world?

I can't believe that was the ghost of Harvey Weinstein. That's unbelievable. I don't believe that was the ghost of Harvey Weinstein. That's unbelievable. I don't know what I'd have to do. Don't say a word about this on any podcast, or you'll never work for Miramax again. Yeah, I don't know what I'd have to see. When would you be like, we're haunted? If I literally saw stuff flying around.

That's it, you're out when that happens. Yeah, when that happens, I'm like, I don't think we can live here. Unless we were in a really good school district and I'd be like, honey, let's just not use plates anymore. We could go public all the way up to high school. Let's just use melamine. I'll tell you right now, they don't move. If I walked into a room

and any member of my family or even just a casual acquaintance is being moved in a room against their will by something I can't see, we're out. Burn it. Burn the fucking house. We're out of the house. Burn it. Burn the fucking house. Alright, so toddler getting dragged around. Yes. Okay.

She called a team of spectral experts. Nope. Call the police. Who held... Sorry. Who held a seance to banish her unwanted guest. Would you guys like to guess how many hours the seance lasted in her home to get the ghost out?

And we're not even halfway through. Let me guess. They get paid by the hour. Yeah, probably. Okay, so how many hours? I'm going to guess at least 20 because I bet they did it throughout a weekend. Yeah. 20-hour seance.

All right. I'm going to say. It really does depend if they're getting paid by the visit or the hour. I say 39-hour seance. And if they try the banishment and it's not out, is your next banishment free? Yeah. I'm going to say eight-hour. Eight-hour seance.

Okay. Would two townies like to play along with us? Gentleman in the Boston Red Sox hat. 12 hours. And your name, sir? Chris, welcome to town. Sir, right here. 48 hours. Val. Val sat next to me on the plane right here.

I love it. I know, and he ended up in town. He's like, how horrible can this be? Now he's in dumb people town. You feel bad about yourself, don't you, Val? I don't know. The guy said it was funny, hon. Okay. He said it was going to be funny. No, no, no.

We have to go. Hipster ghost thing. I don't know. You're never going to get to recommend a restaurant ever again after this. You know that. You know you've lost your credibility. She has to drive her parents to the airport every time. Okay.

You want to do one more? Yeah. Right hereott and it comes guys in 36 36 hours said 39 okay so okay all right everybody remember yours i got it because the seance you know you're getting your money's worth when it lasts two hours oh oh i'd be like i said i'm sorry did you miss the part where my kid was getting dragged across the room? Like, no, we think we got it. You got it?

You got it. You couldn't even watch The Master in that amount of time. No, no, no. We're good. They have to tent a house for like three days to get rid of termites.

Like, really, two hours, you're going to be done with this thing? We got it out. We're good. You can fuck up a kid and watch two episodes

of Breaking Bad. Okay. You know how I watch Breaking and watch two episodes of Breaking Bad. Okay. You know how I watched Breaking Bad? Did I tell you how I watched Breaking Bad? My daughter was like, I was trying to get her to sleep in her bed. She had moved from crib to bed. And part of the thing was lay, I had to lay on the floor and then move the mattress like two or three feet towards the door all like over eight nights.

And I had to be in the room all night because if she woke up, I had to be there. I watched nine episodes of Breaking Bad every night for eight nights. Are you serious? I could not tell you how on edge I was all day every day. I was freaked out. I thought I was going to get murdered. And then I couldn't wait to like start putting her to sleep again

because I couldn't wait to see where the serious was going. I remember that. Every time I'd answer my phone when you called, I'd be like, hello, you'd be like, Jesse,

Jesse, Jesse. You put your bed in her bedroom. I put a mattress on the floor. And then you put her to sleep and then you go, all right,

time to go to sleep. She closed her eyes and you start watching Breaking Bad. On my phone with earphones on as I'm laying like inches away from her and then feet away from her and then nine feet away from her.

It was like, Jay, you had a big secret that she didn't know and you were keeping it from her. Right. For her own good. I couldn't understand it. I couldn't relate to that. All right. Well, the mum of one says, quote, I was petrified to death.

I couldn't move. The eerie events unfolded after the young family moved into their Billingham home and things started to go bump in the night. Then chillingly, a family friend's child visited. After leaving the home, he said, mom, monsters aren't scary. There was a big fat man in there. It's scarier because the ghost is fat to me, and I don't know why. Because it's like in death, you shouldn't have to still take care of yourself. It shouldn't be an issue. What if the sounds are just the ghost getting up from the furniture all the time?

Ugh! Yuck! Crack! I knew nothing about obesity in the 1880s. I was considered wealthy and affluent. I would have been a monopoly piece. Visceral fat. But the creepiest events were yet to come.

Oh, no. In scenes reminiscent of a horror film, The Exorcist. I keep waiting for Greenlee to jump in. No, this is not his article. I know, it's not his article. Christy believes the spirits used then one-year-old, this is her child. She believes, Christy, with a K, believes the spirits then used one-year-old Kyron's body to communicate, even changing the toddler's voice. No. Yeah.

Quote, I was in bed and Karen woke me up hysterical. And I said, he sounds possessed. I went into his room and he looked terrified. So I brought him into my room. He basically stopped crying, looked up at us,

and another voice came from him as clear as day and said, I don't know. Then he started laughing. You know what? That's when you move away from the kid. Yeah, you leave the kid. Leave the kid in the house. You got a bad kid? There's nothing you can do about it.

He's only one. We haven't had that much time with him. I'm getting out. Hey, it worked for my dad. Damn. It's not like he'll ever have a microphone for thousands of people to hear him talk about me. But what if he has a way funnier podcast than we do?

I know. It's called Why I Left. It's called Skip It Out. I know. It's called Why I Left. It's called Skip It Out. I'm going to now show you a picture. I don't have a slide. I might have a slide

in here of us next. The picture of this kid, you're like, you should have known he's possessed. Look at this. Oh. Aye, aye, aye.

Get out of the bed where the possession happened. Leave this. Throw away the bed. Throw away the bed. Burn the bed. Do you want to go back in the bed where the fat man. Leave this. Throw away the bed. Throw away the bed. Burn the bed. Do you want to go back in the bed where the fat man dragged you around? Sure, Mom.

Let's do this. Oh, my God. Burn that bed. The kid, imagine your kid crying. Stop crying. Looks at you, says, I don't know, and then just starts laughing. Right? Fuck that.

Get it. You'd be like, kid, we're going to go to the garage. I'm going to turn the car on and shut the door. And then mommy's going to take a walk. He would continue waking up at night, throwing up, and refusing to sleep in the room. Leave this house. She then called, here's my my favorite part A paranormal investigator known as Spooky Julie

She's really trying to sound professional Spooky Julie Spooky Julie Spooky Julie sounds to me like the band That opened for the Spin Doctors And did Spin Doctors. And did Spin Doctors covers. Yeah, dude. We're going to Spooky Julie.

You guys, we dropped a lot of ass. We're going to Spooky Julie. Dude, Spooky Julie's opening up for mustard plug this weekend. Oh, I didn't hear that. I'm going to check that out. Spooky Julie. Oh, I didn't hear that. I'm going to check that out.

Spooky Julie. I thought about playing a guessing game of how long did I spend in Google images trying to find a picture of Spooky Julie. To me, if she had her business in Flushing, Queens in the mid-80s, she would have been Spooky Wilson. Am I right? Yes, 100%. Such a sports reference that only I get. Spooky Blaylock. Spooky Blaylock. I love that. Spooky Julie, how can I help you?

We're dying over here. We don't need your joke name, bitch. Get over here. But we're still going to use your services. Spooky Julie, this is Diane talking. Is Julie there? No, no, it's just my stage name. My name's Diane. What do you need?

I wanted to find her Yelp page so we could guess how many reviews she has. I almost went with like, I'm just going to go whatever the first return is when you type in Spooky Julie. Dan, did you ever think that when you were searching for images and couldn't find it and searching for Yelp and couldn't find it,

that Spooky Julie is a ghost? Yeah. That was my first thought. When you were Googling it, you type in Spooky Jew, and then all of a sudden, pictures of Ari Shaffir came up? Spooky Jew. Spooky Jew. I scroll down to the bottom of this article, and I'm in the picture.

The article's coming from my stairs. No. If I were Spooky Julie and she got some bad Yelp reviews, What? The article's coming from my stairs. No. If I were Spooky Julie and she got some bad Yelp reviews, I would definitely say that my Yelp page is haunted. Oh, yeah, 100%. Well, that just goes in my Yelp. They're just trying to mess with my page. Her team, which means Spooky Julie's gotten people to follow her.

It's not always the leader. It's the people who are like, that person's got it, right? Her team from Stockton's Gifted and Blessed, which sounds like if you can't get into Hogwarts. You're like, I guess I'm going to go to Stockton's Gifted and Blessed for two semesters, and then I'm

trying to transfer into Hogwarts. That is like Hogwarts Juco, Isn't it? Dude I thought you got Into Hogwarts Yeah but I found out Stockton's Gifted and Blessed Was uh

Whatever S-Gab S-Gab was uh They were gonna let me Play Quidditch right away I didn't even have to Walk on Yeah

I was I was right away starting I got red shirted Wait this isn't In Stockton, California No no, no. No, no, no. Thank God.

I'm like, they have the Diaz brothers and Spooky Julie. What is happening? Although, Bert, I'll co-own this with you. You just put an idea in my head of making, like, a TV show about people who are red-shirted on Hogwarts' Quidditch team. Like, Gryffindor's team or whatever. And it's just the sidelines of these people who never get to play. And they're just red-shirt freshmen on Quidditch team, like Gryffindor's team or whatever, and it's just the sidelines of these people who never get to play, and they're just redshirt freshmen on Quidditch.

What if they did like the way they do Last Chance Wizard you? I would watch that. I would watch. And that's a good one. This dude like totally fucked up and hit everyone's broom. And so he's like, he's here, but he won't go to class.

And they're all just like, it's still in the South. It's still in the South. Get your fucking heads together, all right? Figure it out. Everybody bow your heads. Our Lord. Who art in heaven. Everybody touch somebody.

Our Lord. I know your ass is going to learn Expeller Amius. Okay, so. Just because it's driving me nuts. What's it called? Oh, you're a Patronus. Thank you. Okay, so her team from Stockton's Gifted and Blessed

claimed they found a vortex which allowed spirits to come and go from the child's room as they pleased. There's a revolving door of demons next to the Thomas the Tank Engine bed. It's awful. Yeah. They should mention that when they're selling the house.

The investigation team. It's a two-bedroom, three-bath, one vortex. Okay, that's all great. I asked you, is it open concept? It is. But you know the realtor would be like, it's a two bedroom, one bath, one vortex. It is an open plan.

Right next to lots of shopping. I'm sorry, go back into the vortex part. The investigation team comprised of eight people. Stop. Jesus. That is a lot. That is a lot of people on Spooky Julie's payroll. Real quick, run through their names. Spooky. Spooky Dave. Spooky That is a lot. That is a lot of people on Spooky Julie's payroll. Real quick, run through their names.

Spooky. Oh, yeah. Spooky Dave. Spooky Julie. Scary Mary. Creepy Kyle. Scary Mary. Creepy Kyle.

Haunted Henry. Haunted Henry. Demented Dave. Demented Dave. Demented Dave. Demented Dave. Demented Dave. Googly-eyed Greg.

How many are we up to? Five? Come on. We got to finish this out. Nobody's fucking leaving until we finish this. Monster Michael. Ooh, that's a good one. Horrific Harry. Are we at seven?

Yes. Come on. Somebody. Violent Violet. Okay, perfect. And Witchy Wanda. Bloody Mary. That shit works, man. Did you guys ever do Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board? Oh, did you ever do Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary? Fuck yeah, dude. Of course. She scared me. Light as a Fe feather, stiff as a board? Oh, did you ever do Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary? Fuck yeah, I did, dude. Of course.

She scared me. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. You did it? Yeah. Did it work? Yeah. Yeah. Because it's just strength.

It is. Strength and then, yeah. It's spirit. Oh, I did. It's vortex. I did it differently. It's all vortex. It's a vortex coming out of this kitchen.

I just used Viagra. Okay. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. I can't get it up. Give me one more second. This never happens. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board I can't get it up give me one more second this never happens Lettuce and Feathers stiff as a board

Lettuce and Feathers stiff as a board we gotta wait 30 minutes that would be funny if like that would be like the funniest kid ever who was doing

Lettuce and Feathers stiff as a board and he's like kind of he just is like this never happens I'm so sorry this just usually

doesn't happen usually I pass out I'm usually a lot stiffer than this I It's really embarrassing for me So weird The eight person

The eight person investigation Investigation team Found the ghostly goings on Were the work of a spirit And his family Quote He was a bully Apparently

And his kids were scared of him This is exactly who you want Dragging your kid around a room And then it ends with this It's like Too abrupt And fucked. This is exactly who you want dragging your kid around a room. And then it ends with this. It's like, too abrupt and fucked up. This is a quote that is the end of this article. He must have been the bad one in the

relationship, and apparently he had been stabbed. What? I hope that's the last thing Spooky Julie said as she walked out of the house. By the way, how about the person who stabbed the guy who's like, this guy sucks. Let's get rid of him.

Too bad we'll never have to deal with him again. Oh, God! He's back! That's story number two, guys. Story number two! Welcome back to Dumb People Down. Thank you for staying with us, rejoining us, turning on your podcast dial to our podcast.

And if anyone has a story, we have a town microphone right down here. You guys can come down and form a line, and we will hear your crazy Dumb People Town stories before we get out of here. While they're coming up for that, does anybody have any plugs? Yeah, yeah, plugs. Get on up in line, guys. Where can people see you?

Go to BertBertBert.com. All tour dates are there. B-E-R-T, B-E-R-T, B-E-R-T. By the way, I want to mention we do have merch over there. We do have the 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking. Yes, sir. Will you stand up and just show what this shirt looks like? There it is.

Because we believe 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking. If you want it, we'll be over there with a swipe and all that stuff after the show. I am on tour. Go to DanielVanKirk.com and I will be back here in Phoenix headlining Stand Up Live on Wednesday, November 14th. So come on out and hang out with me as part of Daniel

Van Kirk, the Together Tour. I'll see you guys in a couple weeks. And we are at Superscleros.com. You can check out. We'll be in Austin, Texas from the 7th through the 10th at Cap City and then great other stuff happening. But go ahead, sir. Nice. All right.

What is your name? What's up, guys? My name's Andy. Hi, Andy. Andy, how are you, sir? Very well. I made the Jacques Wilson radio commercial. Oh, yeah.

Nice. I just wanted the guy to keep moving the microphone away from you and force you to follow it across. Grants Pass, Oregon. A car thief on LSD thought he was playing Grand Theft Auto as he led cops on a chase, police say. A Grants Pass man told police he'd taken LSD and thought he was living a real-life version

of the video game Grand Theft Auto. More like Grants Theft Auto. Hey! At Sklar Brothers. Thank you, sir. Absolutely. That's what Dan says to us every time we make a bad comment. So send all your negativity to at Sklar Brothers.

Okay. When he stole a car in front of patrol deputies and led them on an over 40-mile-long chase through Jackson County on Saturday. I mean, you're stopping to eat. 40 miles. Hey, man, we're not going to pull you. It's fine, we'll take a timeout,

but some of us have to eat back here. But he stole it in front of cops. You know, cops are like, what's this motherfucker doing right here? And he's like, it's the cloak of invisibility. You can't see me, bro. Two county deputies were awaiting a tow truck to haul away a 2003 Toyota Camry, not his car,

along Oregon 66. If you're going to steal a car, that is the coolest car to steal. It's the most sensible car to steal. They arrested that driver on an unrelated drunken driving case when Anthony J. Clark got inside. Anthony Clark? Anthony Clark? From Boston Comics?

Yeah, I wonder what happened to him. Now we know. He then drove off, evading one deputy's efforts to stop him. While speeding through a number of towns, he crashed through a chain link fence off the roadway, ran over spike strips twice, and drove the wrong way down several roads. I mean, if you're going to hit for the cycle, you've got to get to the point. Why don't you just steal a car and go right down a road? I mean, come on.

Do you think Toyota's like, motherfucker, that's a 2003. They're like, that's still rocking. It's still doing it. After several attempts, a patrol car managed to bump the rear of the Toyota, causing it to spin out. He fled into a mobile home park and was arrested as he tried to steal another car. See, that's the thing, too. If you're in the mobile home park, you're like, come on, man. Go to a real neighborhood and fuck with some people. We're trying to get through over here. He fled to the mobile home park, you're like, come on, man. Go to a real neighborhood and fuck with some people.

We're trying to get through over here. He fled to the mobile home park, did some meth, and then they arrested 49 people in the mobile home park for other... The cops pull in, they arrest him, they're like, who's got priors? Let's go! Everybody comes out. A Jackson County new deputy wrote in the affidavit that Clark walked up to him and told him he was stealing the car.

He got into the Toyota before the deputy was able to stop him and use the keys left in the door to start the car. Never leave. So now everybody's dumb. Everybody's dumb. Don't leave your keys in the door. Don't lose your automatic door unlock device. Don't tell a cop you're about to go steal a car when you're about to go steal a car. He nearly dragged the deputy and almost hit the pickup that he arrived in.

So he had his own car. He was like, I just really. So he, yeah, he wasn't carless. He just wanted to tell a cop that I'm going to steal a car. And then he went and stole a car. We'll get you guys out here on this. How many different. I love the show.

What can I say? I love you. I love the show. What can I say? I love you. How many different accusations were filed against Anthony J. Clark? Okay. Bert, you're our guest. You can go first or between us, which is the TIG slot or third. Where do you want to go?

First? I'll go... I want to go last. Okay, fine. So J. go. How many different complaints were filed against, like I.E., like criminal misd So Jay, go. How many different complaints were filed against? Like IE, like criminal mischief. Yes. I'm going to say six. Six. Six.

Not 666, just six. I'll go 11. Okay. And I will go 13. 21. 21. One of you is exactly correct. Yes.

So now. We get to of you is exactly correct. So now... We get to play this game. Okay. So now we get to play the game of who do you think was exactly right. Dan, who do you think is exactly right? I am. Okay.

I think Bert's right. I think I'm right. Let's get two people from the crowd. Who do you think is right? Adam. Jay. Jay's right. I'm right. I think Dan's right. I think Dan's right. Let's get two people from the crowd. Who do you think is right? Adam. Jay. Jay's right. I'm right.

I think Dan's right. I think Dan's right. Okay. Clark is accused of driving under the influence of intoxicants, second-degree criminal mischief, third-degree escape, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, attempting to elude a police officer, possession of a stolen motor vehicle,

unlawful entry into a motor vehicle, interfering with a police officer, reckless endangering, reckless driving, and offensive littering. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks, buddy. How about this guy? Oh my God. Dude, stepped right in. That's how you bring a story up. So one of the reasons I love doing this live is that Dan... I read that this morning. Stop it.

Dan gets to read all the stories and he knows all the facts, so when you guys come up, Dan is just like us. Only obviously better. Obviously. Sklars are just like us. Only obviously better. Obviously. Scholars are just like us. Okay, continue. Hi.

Hello, welcome to town. What's your name? Megan. Hi, Megan. I'm going to go off template a little bit here. I did not bring a story. I brought my story. Okay.

Good. I love that. Yes. I fight on the front lines of dumb. I am a forensic scientist here in the city of Phoenix. Nice. Thank you. Good work.

Yes. And one of my old duties was to preserve biological evidence for DNA. Now I do DNA, but back then. So one of the things that always fascinated me

was that burglars are dumb as fuck. Yes. Fact. They bring their own crowbar break and leave it there. They bring their own crowbar break and leave it there. They drink your food

and leave it open on the counter. It's great for DNA and fingerprints. But my favorite is that they will wear one outfit and then wear another

over it and then dispose of the outer outfit so that they're not wearing what they were seen at the scene in. But they left everything that has their hair

and everything all on it. At the scene. Brilliant. So one of my jobs was to scene in. But they left everything that has their hair and everything. Yeah, it's super funny. Brilliant. So one of my jobs was to take these items that they left behind and swab them for whoever was wearing it. Sure. And my favorite item, I'm going to describe to you, but just like Spooky Julie,

I did so much research to find a photo, and I succeeded. Nice. So I brought it, so you can put it on Facebook. Oh, great. I love it. It is on the back of my study guide for my final, for my master's, so I apologize,

but that's been haunting me. Kudos to you for always finding a way to work it in that you're getting your master's. I would do the same damn thing. If I had a master's, I would be saying that all the time. Yeah, I'm proud of you. I finished the test at 2.15 a.m.

this morning. Really? Right as we were waking up to board a plane to get here. I am delirious. You're in the right town. Here's the hat. The hat was recognized by the neighbor. Seen by the person that was breaking into the hat. Breaking into the house. And I don't know why they recognized this hat. Yes. The hat was recognized by the neighbor. Okay. Seen by the person that was breaking into the house.

And I don't know why they recognized this hat. It was an oversized trucker hat, like Elmer Fudd style. Camouflage with an orange bill. Perfect. That'd be enough. Oh, yeah. That's already done. If you said it has a built-in wig.

Like it comes with its own ponytail. Dan, it's better. Oh, God. Two boobs and a bra? Not that good. It had Christmas antlers. Yes. Oh, God.

With lights. Lights? That lit up and played music, but the battery was dead. Oh, my God. Please tell me you replaced the battery just so you could hear this song. You know. Let's hear this ring-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Randy, that's evidence tampering.

That's why I wouldn't be a good forensic scientist. You know. That's the only reason, Bert. Also, you don't have a master's and she does. I know. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. She has a master's?

This is the first I'm hearing about that. Oh, okay. You guys know for a fact this guy ate the last can of Chunky Campbell soup that belonged to two of his three roommates, looked them in the eye and said, you guys don't fucking get it. People are going to be so distracted by my hat, they won't even know my face exists. You want them looking at your hat.

It's like the pickup artists. I'm peacocking my robbery. That's not bad thinking. Meanwhile, his friend is just eating without looking up going, I wouldn't do it. Yeah, wear the hat. Good call. So yeah, I wouldn't do it. Yeah, wear the hat. Good call.

So yeah, I did bring a photo. In all its glory. And that's for you to put on Facebook. Oh, yes, we will. This is the hat of an uncle that pees himself.

My uncle, actually. Congratulations. Hey, what's your shirt My uncle actually That's awesome Thank you I love it Congratulations Congrats Hey what's your shirt say? No sleep till Hippo

No sleep till hippo And a dollop thing Oh yeah Yes yes There you go Love those guys Thank you for bringing that in That was beautiful

Alright Hello Welcome to town Hi Hello my name's Trisha That's hard to follow but How you doing? I already have my master's, so...

Oh! And I'm working on my doctorate. What? Hold on, hold on. We stepped on the lead. What was that? I'm working on my doctorate. Oh!

Shut up. Me, me, me, me, me, me! So, by the way, you get your doctorate, just like three scantily clad men and women come out with like just sparklers and a bottle. That's how you get your doctorate. It's just Bert with his shirt off. That would be awesome as well.

Bert, have you given a commencement speech? Oh my God, I want to so bad. You have to do it. Florida State University. Burt with wearing the hat with the tassel, no shirt. Yep. And it starts off with, don't get gasoline in your asshole. Seniors.

It's just like the sunscreen speech, but don't get gasoline in your asshole. All right. All right. So this is a hometown for me. I'm from Tucson. All right. So this is a title. me. I'm from Tucson. All right. So this is a title. It's entitled Reduce, Reuse, Rip Off.

Yes. So that killed in the room. So like in the writing, in the editorial room, they were like, we got this title. Who can punch this title? It's the three R's. It's the three R's. A family came home from some errands to find that someone had stolen two big, valuable, and perfectly

functioning appliances, then left a note expressing gratitude for the victim's effective facilitation of the theft, said a Pima County Sheriff's Department report. A married couple living on the southeast side told sheriff's deputies that after they'd been gone for less than four hours, they went into their carport to find that they were now missing, this is Greenlee level, a large capacity Kenmore refrigerator freezer unit, as well as a 40-gallon general electric water heater. Now that is two pissed off people that are making sure you get every detail. How many gallons?

40. 40. Hit that in. Write that down. Near where the items had once sat, there was a handwritten note reading, Thank you for recycling your things. Here's a phone number if you want to donate more. Wait, the person stole from them and then was like, good on you on the recycling.

Here's a number if you want to do more of it. Wait, wait, wait. Is this like a slam? I don't think I'm following. So they stole their outside fridge. This is their outside fridge. This is their second fridge. This is their second fridge. This is their second garage fridge.

Where we put the deer in Rochelle. We put the deer in Rochelle. Just telling you. The victims showed deputies white marks on their carport floor where it appeared the appliances had been laboriously dragged out without a dolly. So they didn't donate it. No, they did not. The wife thought the handwriting in the note looked like

a teenager's, but called the number anyway, and although the line just kept ringing, it was a working phone number. In fact, when she tried calling again, she said a young man's voice answered before hanging up upon hearing her speak. So it seems the thieves had actually left their real number. Oh my god.

You know what? It's dumb, right? Dumb. Or that's fucking balls. To me, it's more obvious than the hat. They're hiding in the wide open. I don't understand what you don't get about this, Colin. We're going to get their appliances and then when they give us all

their cans, we turn that shit in and get more money from these idiots. Why would we give our real number, man? How are we going to get the cans if we don't give them our real number? It's a good point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I left your number. I couldn't think of one on the top of my head. Why'd you leave my number?

You left my number? It's still there. It's one number off, I think. He's like, Ray, again, it's Ray from Ghostbusters. I thought, it's the only number I could think of. So it seemed the thieves had actually left their real phone number, whether out of recklessness or pure ineptitude, and their note hadn't been left with a snide irony,

but as a sincere attempt at deceit. Unfortunately, deputies couldn't find a name on record for the number. They took the note as evidence, gave the couple a victim's right pamphlet, and advised them to call Sheriff's Department again if any further information came up, but not to repeatedly call and harass the thief who left his number as tempting as that might be.

I'm calling that kid. What's the number? I'm calling it right now. You fuck that. As soon as I finish taking my fucking master's test at 2.15 in the morning, I'm calling that number. I'm calling that fucking number. I'm calling that number every day. Anytime. I'm like,

you know, I'll just call every time I gotta use the bathroom and I'll just put it on speaker and not say a word. Thank you so much. That was amazing. Great story. Awesome. My name's Scott and I barely graduated college. Hi, Scott.

You are qualified. Welcome to town. So this story takes place in Tucson, but it was reported by an England newspaper. Wow. It's got legs. You know how England likes to cover the goings-on in Tucson. Man tries to kill spiders.

I'm sorry, can you read it in a British accent? No. Just try. Just try the first line. That is a credit I haven't finished. Just try the first line. That is a credit I haven't finished. I actually dropped that class. I'll give you a boost on your bike.

Starts like this. Come a little bit, that's razzle dazzle. Man. Man. Toosin. Toosin. Man tries to kill spiders with blowtorch, ends up burning his house down.

Oh. And still yelled, got him. There is nothing worse than a spider infestation except possibly, possibly a blazing inferno engulfing your entire home. Can you please do the accent? There's nothing worse than a

spider. Also, this is blazing, engulfing your own. Engulfing your own. Look out, Dick Van Dyke. We've got a brand new Bertentown. Engulfing your own. Engulfing your own. Engulfing your own.

It's like Robin Leach. But this is the thing. They say this a lot. Somebody will steal a car and drive it through a Dunkin' Donuts. You can't make this up. No, you can very easily. There's nothing worse. There's a million things worse than this.

Dude, by the way, we had a spider infestation in our house. It's pretty bad. Oh, it's bad. I'd rather have my home burned down than have Black Widow spiders all over my fucking house. We have Black Widows all over our fucking house. I said at one point I was panicking so bad, I said, there's two periods in my life, before Black Widows and after Black Widows. PBW and POe BW? Call this guy.

I got a guy for you. You got a guy. All right, good. So it says, one man found out the hard way that the true danger of a blowtorch when he tried to destroy spiders in his home using fire. They essentially just wrote, one man learned how fire works. Fire destroys things. Instead of simply removing the eight-legged pest,

the man burned his house to the ground. He accidentally created a massive blaze that required 23 firefighters to contain it. 23? Whoa. Oh, my God. It required 10. 13 came to watch.

Yeah, they're like... What, is this a control burn here? Yeah. Yeah, they're there anyway. I mean, they're working. They're not going to stay back. Why not? Yeah, I mean, I know firemen.

I mean, Tucson's only got 23 firefighters. Yeah, exactly. Bring them. It says the unnamed man from Tucson, Arizona was suspected of using a propane torch to kill spiders and burn spiderwebs underneath his mobile home. Right.

Right after saying, honey, I've got this. Honey, it's a mobile home. If it catches fire, we can drive away. Wait, no. But instead his house got fired with the blaze tearing through the inside, leaving it completely gutted.

The fire at around 9.20 p.m. local time on Monday night forced a man and an elderly woman out of their home. Fire crews were called to the blaze when they arrived, described seeing the woman being carried out of the burning house by her son. Oh, I thought you were going to say by a spider. Oh, she rode on the backs of

spiders! The spiders are like, you stupid son of a bitch! You burned down our house now! They're carrying her out. It says Tucson Fire Department confirmed the woman suffered minor injuries after being treated by paramedics at the scene. Then you get some green leaf. Yes.

Says spider mating season, which hits in October, sees arachnids measuring around eight centimeters, invading our homes and getting down to it. Eight centimeters. But if you want to stop the spiders boosting their population under your roof, we've put together a handy guide on how to spider-proof your home without resorting to a blowtorch. So you don't use a blowtorch. Okay, don't use a blowtorch.

They give you the alternative. I hope this is right up there. Bert just said, get to it. Dude, let me trust you, man. We had a problem with rats, too. And I thought I'd handle it. Are you living in a tent? No, no. Where are you living? We live, it's a problem. You, too. And I thought I'd handle it. Are you living in a tent? No, no.

Where are you living? We live... It's a problem. You're living in the L.A. River. What is happening? In the valley, black widows are everywhere. Yes, yes.

And we have an orange tree, so we have rats. So like a fucking genius, I get a bunch of rat traps and put peanut butter on rat traps, leave them all out over the night. I know. You already know what happened.

Squirrels. I thought you were going to say I was drunk and I got hungry and I smelled peanut butter. I was like, come on girls, let's go see if we got any rats. And it's like, oh, fuck. I killed the wrong ones.

I killed the ones with the cuter tails. No! That's the only difference how long did it take the firefighters to put the fire out okay that's a great question all right so let's go you know what I just had my cousin as a fireman and he told me that it used to be 20 30 years ago that a house will be engulfed in three minutes due to our furniture but the way everything's made now you know how long you have 30 seconds whoa yeah a house can go up at 30 seconds so i asked him i go so if you don't give a shit about your kids should you just jump out the window he goes if you're in

if you wake up and there's a fire and you don't have anybody you need to save yeah just go straight out the nearest window because it's probably already gone so if a fire and you don't have anybody you need to save, yeah, just go straight out the nearest window. Because it's probably already gone. So if a fire can go that fast and there's 23... And it's a mobile home. It's a mobile home. In Tucson. In Tucson.

It doesn't part... In Tucson. The city's already on fire. So there's no grass around anywhere. Don't you... I kind of want to say three and a half minutes. Okay. I'm going to go with... Well, wait, Bert, you're our guest. Where do you want to go? You want to say three and a half minutes. I'm going to go with...

Well, wait, Bert, you're our guest. Where do you want to go? I'm going to go 14 minutes. Seven minutes. I'm going to go five minutes. Randy says five minutes. I will go 11 minutes. Yeah, for sure. Anybody want to play?

Come on, get a hand up if you want to join in. All right, Greg. Five hours. Five hours. Five hours. Fourteen hours. Have you guys never lit anything on fire? Oh, to put it out. To put it out. One of you guys is right.

Oh, yeah. Can I change my answer? I don't think I was listening. Dan tricked us with that burn story. I suddenly was like, It's my story. They literally show up and they go, All right, we're out.

Hook it up. We're good. We got it. All right. Hold on. What did you say, sir? One of you guys is right. Oh, yeah.

Fuck you guys. It's Greg. Oh, yeah. Fuck you guys. It's Greg. It's God damn it, Greg. We're going to get out of here on this. All right, so how... Okay, so let's review what everybody said. I forgot what I said. 14 minutes.

14 minutes. I said five minutes. I said seven minutes. I said 11 minutes. And you said five hours. Greg said 14 hours. Okay, let's hear it. The amount of time it took. Should we guess who's exactly right?

Yeah, guess who's right. Jason, who do you think is exactly right? Bert's right. I think it's Bert. You're right. Okay, I think it is you. Greg? I'm going to say Greg now. I have so much faith. I have so much faith in Greg, it's insane. It's like roulette, man.

Always bet on black. Greg, it's insane. It's like roulette, man. Always bet on black. Eleven. Eleven's black. Eleven, eleven. Eleven's black. I always do bet on black. Eleven is black. Oh, man.

You know what? I'm wrong, but I'm going to stick with me. Eleven minutes. Okay. Okay. The amount of time it took. The amount of time it took for them to put out the fire. In a British accent, please.

You know what? The amount of time it took. The amount of time it took for them to put out the fire. In a British accent, please. You know what? The amount of time. People will remember you forever if you try and save this number. Just do it. Just try. You're like my fucking wife. Just fucking try it. What the fuck's wrong with you?

Yeah, nobody's saying do a great one. He's going to do it. He will censure on his wedding night to his wife. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's anal sex. Everyone try it. Just try it. Just try it.

Put two fingers up there and try it. All right, you ready? In an accent. In a British accent. Just give it a try. 11 minutes. Oh! Yes!

Yes! Yes! All right, thank you, buddy. All right, you guys. That's it. That's our show. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. All right, you guys. That's our show. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Tunk it down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.