Dumb People Town - Bert Kreischer - Read My Pendant

Episode Date: October 17, 2017

This week, comedian Bert Kreischer (Bertcast) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Virk in Dumb People Town! Story #1 brings us up a tree in Regina. DVK tells his own personal story of falling from a tree, and the group discusses Sober October. In Story #...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Van Derk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. And Dirk, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, come to Downey's Dumb People Town. Hey Townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. You know, sometimes when we have guests on this show they are uh comedy friends of ours from a while back this guy qualifies as that sometimes we have friends on this show who

have done amazing things themselves uh in the comedy world and in the tv world this guy qualifies this guy and then sometimes we have someone on this show who has done a lot of dumb things in his life who can understand the mind of a dumb person in dumb people town this guy checks that box off he's our dumb expert he's burt kreischer welcome to the show i've done more dumb shit than you'll ever wrap your head around and that you're just talking about this morning oh i oh i have no idea didn't recently you like got injured at disneyland or something like that or who told us that? That was Alex Morgan from the U.S. Women's Soccer Team. Oh, sorry. No, I fell off a waterfall one time. So did the water.

We fell at the same rate. You guys going too? Look what I'm going to do. What were you doing on a waterfall? I was rappelling. And I got too cocky and I was like, I'm going to take a second here and really drink it and how great my life is. And so I turned around and I was likelling. And I got too cocky. And I was like, I want to take a second here and really drink in on how great my life is. And so I turned around.

And I was like, yeah. All right. And as I turned back around, I flipped upside down. Oh, God. And so I started drowning because I was in the water. And I couldn't flip. You waterboarded yourself. I was literally waterboarding myself.

You basically gave away several ISIS secrets that you didn't even know you had. Location. You didn't even know you had. His name's Abu Jihar. No. No. He's in the closet. It's a spider hole.

And then I just thought, you know what would help this is just let go of the rope for a little bit. Sure. And I couldn't re-grab it. Nope. And I lay it on my back. You know, if you're answering the question, you know what would help this, I'm going to start without you even saying anything.

I'm just going to be like, nope, that is not going to help. That's not going to help it. Bert Kresch, you have done, you have made a career off of doing at times really dumb things. Dude, I said to someone the other day, I said to Rogan the other day, true story. I used to think Anne Frank and Helen Keller were the same person. No. Swear. No.

Anne Frank and Helen Keller. Like it was an al. Swear. No. Anne Frank and Helen Keller. Like it was an alias? No, no. I just, I learned about them. You can find those qualities. You kind of put their stories together.

I learned about them at the same time. She's deaf, dumb, and blind and living in an attic. What? No, no, no, no. I just, the name Anne Frank stuck,

but the story of Helen Keller was the one I remember. So why were the Nazis going after a deaf, dumb, and blind girl? That's what I'm wondering. They were. They were terribly human.

That's what I asked when we went to the Anne Frank house when I was 22. No, you didn't. We should go. I was like, let's get a bag of weed, get high as shit, and blind girl. That's what I'm wondering. They were, too. That's what I asked when we went to the Anne Frank house when I was 22. No, you didn't. We should go. I was like, let's get a bag of weed, get high as shit, and lap our dicks off. No. At the Anne Frank house?

I've been hearing jokes about this chick my whole fucking life. No, no. Hey, you're like, otherwise the Nazis win, dude. Yeah. The Nazis win. Take back the narrative. Like, take back the story. Do it for her.

I was like, we'll go in, we'll put a plunger in her toilet, we'll be like, ah. Stop it. I swear to God. I think we'll go in, we'll put a plunger in her toilet, we'll be like, ah! Stop it. I swear to God. There was a young guy at a Jewish youth group thing who was not a nice guy, but he was also,

not out of the closet, but he was clearly gay. And he wanted to tell... Mixed race kid. Mixed race kid. And he wanted to tell a joke. He wanted to say, what's brown and hides in the closet? And the joke was supposed to be the diarrhea of Anne Frank, which not appropriate. But a decent joke.

Decent joke for a 14-year-old. He said, what's brown and hides in the closet? And then someone else said, you. Now that changed the joke. Makes it a better joke. Makes it a better joke. Well, listen, Bert. Where is that person today?

I don't know. Well, Bert, you understand that the world is getting dumber, as we know. Every day, it drops IQ points, and our only way to battle back is through comedy. We get stories sent to us,

sent to Dan from our dumb ears on the ground. They send us the best stories out there. And then Dan breaks them down for us. We've never heard them. Jason and I have never heard this story. We're like you, Bert. We're in the same spot as you. But we just have to break it down

and try and understand the behavior. Now, having Bert Kreischer here is a lot like having an expert on a trial. Yeah, he may be able to get inside their head in a way that we cannot. He may know what they were doing and what they were thinking in a way that we normal human beings cannot know.

So, Dan, do we have a story to start this thing off? This was sent in by Andy Russell at the Russell four, two S's, two L's. I love it. The number four. I love it. Is it Regina? It is Regina.

In Canada, it is Regina. Regina Saskatchewan. Yep. And I think it's pronounced vagina. Oh, okay. Is it like a woman's vagina? It will be later on. But it's Regina.

Orangina when we're drinking. Orangina when you're drinking out of a woman's vagina. Do you think when they're partying, they're like, let's go to Rejayjay. Yeah, let's take it up to Rejayjay. Take it up to Rejayjay. Police officers spent all afternoon negotiating. All afternoon. All afternoon.

All afternoon. That is an afternoon negotiation. By the way, afternoons are within the actual working hours of a human being. So we shouldn't make it seem like a baby. One to five. Five is used now in the evening. They spent all afternoon negotiating with a man to come down from a tree he climbed into to escape arrest before he was ultimately lured down from the tree with food from a neighbor.

So he's like a bear, essentially. Or a cat. Have you ever done anything that you've... I've walked over like... I definitely have. You definitely have. Except mine wasn't in a tree. I was locked in a car. I locked myself in a car and refused.

We're going to be honest. Yes, we have to be honest. That's all we have is our honesty. I walked in and they're kissing my best friend. Who is this? Your mom? No, no. Oh, I'm sorry. No.

That would have been so much better. Who was it? It was a girlfriend. It was my girlfriend. I was 17. And I just was like, no, no, no, no, no. And I just got in the back of her car and locked all the keys. In her car.

In her car and locked all the doors. And as soon as I did it i went i have no exit strategy like my only exit is leaving going that was a bad idea or taking a shit in her glove compartment uh spent the night in that car no spent the night in that car squatted next morning uh police came out and her dad her dad was standing outside and he was like uh i know there's a are you done yet and i was like are you i go yeah i think i'm done he's like, I know there's a, are you done yet? And I was like, I go, yeah, I think I'm done. He's like, come on, man. Let's have breakfast.

He took you to breakfast? Yeah, and he took me to breakfast. That's a great dad. I think he was just happy you weren't her boyfriend anymore. He was like, thank God. Same dude slept with another one of my girlfriends in college.

Who is this asshole? Yeah, same friend. Are you still friends with him? Friend is a loose term. Very loose now. Although, yeah, we are friendly. We still talk. He just texted me about picks for is a loose term. Very loose now. Although, yeah, we are friendly. We still talk. He just texted me about picks for the football games tonight.

Stop. Stop. Give him all the wrong ones. So they lured this guy down from the tree. I'm going to show you guys a picture. Look at him up in this tree. Oh, my God. He's up there.

That is perched. By the way. He's perched. Okay, so in the tree. Brother be climbing. Brother be climbing. In the tree, in the picture, you can see part of a garage. He is way above the garage.

Yeah, he's up there. Roof. Police say... Do your kids climb trees? Yes, because... And they also use coupons. That is my wife's redneck upbringing. I love it.

Teach them how to use coupons. Teach them how to climb trees. And how to climb trees. That's it. Because you never know when you might be up at a tree and you might need 25 cents off. Toilet paper. Nine years old. The day we were old. It was a

Friday. We were supposed to leave that afternoon to go up to our little cabin in Wisconsin. Montello. Climbed a tree. Got way high up in that tree. Was standing holding the main trunk of it. Both feet on one branch. Saw two branches I thought I could get up to.

Gave a little hop. Grabbed both branches. One branch broke now my feet are barely touching the bench i just i look up watch my own hand slip because it had rained overnight and so the tree was still wet slip i fall all the way down the tree there was like a little squirrel feeder on the other side of the tree at some point one of my legs went around that side and broke that wooden squirrel feeder in half oh my god then the last branch was like a double branch that like forked out and my head goes face first into it i land on the ground i run in the house that's a miracle i know i land i run in the house and my mom is sitting on the

couch facing like the window on the phone and I'm standing perpendicular to her. I'm not in front of her and I go, I'm holding my face and I go, mom, mom. And she gives me one of those one finger to, well, not even looking over just a one finger, one second moves, right? And I'm like, mom gives me another one. I go, mother. She says, I'll never forget this into the cordless phone antenna all the way up.

All the way up. I love small details. Unleashed. She says, well, I guess my son thinks I don't deserve any time to myself to talk to my friend, so I'm going to have to call you back. She hangs up. And then slips down. Slides down the antenna.

Which is really a power move. Very power move. Looks over at me and that was the point when the trauma had finally kicked in and my face just shoots. I ripped off my face. The right side of my cheek, half of my cheek was ripped off.

I ripped my lip completely wide open. My mouth was just hanging agape. She goes, oh my god. She runs me into the kitchen and starts putting a washcloth on me. And she's like, it's going to be okay. You're not that bad.

And I'm watching every time she pulls away the washcloth covered. And, and I've got like, I ripped my arm open my backs. And so she's, she's put away and she's calming me down. Then aunt Connie who lives next door comes in. She walks in the door. She comes in the kitchen.

She looks at me and my, and my mom's like everything's gonna be fine you're fine you're fine she takes jesus washcloth away and my aunt connie goes oh my god diana's face is gone oh my god yeah if we ended up like driving me up to the emergency we get to the doctor dr baptist where we would go we always wait forever we get there i've lost so much blood. I'm like, well, we didn't even have to wait.

She was like, Danny, you're an emergency. I was delirious from blood loss. I remember him standing over top of me, giving like Novocaine or whatever into my lip and then sewing my lip back together. We didn't get to go to the cabin.

Really pissed off. My brother, your brothers were so mad at you, dude. By the way, they had good reason to be two quick little side notes. One, you'll appreciate the other one. You'll love thing. You'll,. One, you'll appreciate. The other one, you'll love.

The thing you'll appreciate, I still wanted Kraft macaroni and cheese so bad, but I couldn't move my mouth. I ate it with a toothpick one noodle at a time. Yeah. And it was the summer. Maybe it was probably a rerun. Kevin Meaney, Johnny Carson did the We Are The World. Yeah.

One of the best and I'm watching it in bed with my mom watching Johnny Carson and I am tear laughing and I had to turn away

plug my ears and not watch because it was too hard and I couldn't stop laughing do you have any scars right now from it yeah like on my lip but nothing on the outside

nothing it's all looks good it still has a little bit how many times have you had people come up to you after you've done something, Bert, and said, it's going to be okay? In an effort to calm you down. After the trauma.

A lot. A lot. It's going to be okay. Well, this guy, I wonder if anyone is in this guy's life. Oh, you guys, this story, I want to tell you, I'm going to say when we started this, it takes a town. In Dumb People Town, it takes a town to help this out. He is not the only dumb person.

Robin Case Wadham climbed the tree on the 700 block of Garnett Street around 1145 a.m. That's a morning tree climb. That's a morning tree climb. The guy who was unemployed. After officers followed the man who was suspected of stealing a vehicle,

that's when he climbed in the tree. Police said he was first spotted in the vehicle. Then they saw him later on a bicycle. To him, that was his disguise. Yeah. What? Hey, officers, I couldn't have stealed a car. Ask his peddler.

He's like, I saw a guy stealing a car. You should maybe look at the guy in the car because I'm not on the car right now. Not me, man. Oh, that guy was flying by, huh? Yeah. He's got baseball cards in his spoke. Hey, thank you for protecting people like me on this bike from

people who steal cars because i would never do that armed with a screwdriver and carrying a backpack threatened police multiple times he was he was heard shouting this is his dumb person logic he was heard shouting shoot me and i'll stab you that is not the order in which that works like a screwdriver to a gunfight shoot Shoot me and I'll fall on you. Yes. Regina police said it's unclear if he had any other weapons. This is when it gets fun. Jessica with a K.

Oh boy. Goose. G-U-S-E. Jessica Goose. She reports. Jessica Goose was going to be the sequel to Roger Rabbit. They just couldn't put it together. For some reason.

It's like there are acetones somewhere, you know. know for some reason she's the main reporter in this story but all of her reporting was only via tweets but she is credited as the reporter she didn't do shit guys it takes a town she reported man says he doesn't want to hurt anybody but the officer is still trying to get him to drop the screwdriver a crisis negotiator arrived on the scene around 1230 p.m. He's been up there for 45 minutes at this point. Canadian crisis prevention. Oh, you're mad, eh? Oh, yeah.

You better come down from up there. You're not going to get to go up to your cottage if you stay up there. Guess who's not getting their skates back? What you got? You got a screwdriver up there. What is that? Phillips? Phillips head? A crisis negotiator arrived at 12 30 jessica goose back on the case at jessica goose anybody wants to say what up with a k yeah the k okay g-u-s-e uh negotiator says g-u-s-e

yep goose yeah as in dom cruz now this is very foreboding for me in dumb people town what a negotiator says this is As in Dom Cruz? Goose. Jessica Goose. Now, this is very foreboding for me in dumb people town. Negotiator says, this is her tweet, quote, we just want to get you down safely. The man replies, I know where I'm going and I'm not coming down. So he thinks he's going all the way up to heaven. It also sounds like a country song. I know where I'm going and I'm not coming down i've been there before

and i didn't like it now so i'm leaving this old dirty town behind in the dust it's at the top of this whole bus climbing up on the tree because i know where i'm going and i'm not coming down. I've been there before and I sure as hell don't want to go now. Oh, that's catch that on all the hits. Dumb people town. Just the hits. I know where I'm going and I'm not coming down.

That's a great t-shirt too. I know where I'm going and I'm not coming down. Just a tree. Just a man. Just a shadowy figure. You know what? We have the dumb people town map we have a walking tour map a person's taking every story we've ever done the locations of and put them on a map so people can go to them if they want we need a person in our town who keeps a record of every time everything we've said should be a

t-shirt yeah t-shirt we need that should be and then just a list of them on the back the top 50 and the front says that should be a t-shirt for some reason jessica also keeps hashtagging this maybe i'm just missing it you guys can tell me hashtag yqr that keeps showing up on all the tweets we have no clue oh it's the call letters of their tv show oh maybe yeah yqr a woman told 980 cjme buzzkill in the morning uh she heard the man screaming that his eyes were burning and then he was seen rubbing them uncontrollably which is not you're controlling yeah you can't uncontrollably rub your eyes i can't stop it he's allergic to gerbils that would be my allergic to leaves yeah

another man another man who lives down the street claimed he witnessed police trying to chase the man earlier. If you're keeping track, so many people from this town have gotten involved in Regina. They've got neighbors. They've seen him being chased by the police. It doesn't even get close to there. As of 3 p.m., there were around 15 uniformed and plainclothes police officers on the scene. Firefighters and EMS were also there to assist police. Robin appeared to be tired after being in the tree for

more than three hours he could be seen yawning stretching and my favorite part smoking cigarettes that's what you do when you're in a tree i'm not coming down man i'm not fucking coming up i guarantee you look at that pack you thank god i brought this with me oh yeah he's just someone throw me a lighter he's just up there packing it. Some Paul Malls. For sure. Paul Malls. I wouldn't mind a Brandy Alexander right now. Someone throw me one of those?

Back to Jessica Goose. She's back on it. At Jessica Goose reported, the man seems relaxed. At one point, he even yawned. He's now on his fourth smoke since i first arrived here around 12 15 so she was a half hour late hashtag yqr look give him credit for smoking like that and being able to climb up a tree like that's pretty impressive yeah i mean climbing a

tree is really difficult by the way and then to maintain your spot to find a good spot where you're good for four hours in a tree ah what if burt was like climbing a tree it's just like falling off a waterfall by the way i got locked up i got i froze in a 200 feet up in a redwood one time stop no yeah what do you mean what were you doing up there i jugged up where's where like a rock it's a climbing thing i jugged up got up to the top i was supposed to bungee off of it what and the wind started picking up and they're like you're too heavy we can't have you bungee, but you need to just stay up here for the people

that are going to bungee out next. And I froze. I couldn't let go of the tree. I froze. Yeah, because you're 200 fucking feet up in the air. Wind is moving the tree.

It's racing past our heads and you can hear all the trees around talking to each other just... Wait, and you had no fear about climbing up that thing

fucking terrified why did you do it fifteen thousand dollars an episode alright man I guess you gotta do that that's a lot of reasons that's not enough

that's a lot of reasons by the way I'd been bitten by a spider I'd been bitten by a spider the night before and I had a big lump on my head and I couldn't stop sweating and I was

I was a fucking nightmare were you afraid that it was gonna be like that Martin Sheen movie where the whole the bump in your thing opens up and all these other little spiders crawl out? Remember that movie? What was that movie called, Jay? I don't know.

Remember the crazy African guy at the beginning whose eyes turned white? Does anybody remember this movie? No. But I guarantee a listener will tell you the moment they hear it. When you started telling the story, I thought you said Martin Short. And so the whole time I'm thinking, the one with Danny Glover? Pure luck. Inner space? Pure luck. I i was like interspace where he was injected into uh you guys remember i told you this town gets really involved yes here's my favorite part

more than an hour had passed and the police started to close in on robin case wadham at this point another person started to spray the man with water. It's unclear if he was with the police or the fire department. Some neighbor just opened up their open. I'm imagining the hose was connected straight to their water back and from their bedroom window. They just started spraying. Get out of there. Yeah,

Robin. Yeah, it's a raccoon and I would say didn't just open fired on him. Yes, and to me it wasn't even because he was trying to help he was annoyed with the cigarette smoke yes so he's like go on get out of here oh you get my smoke sweat man hey i definitely think there were a couple times he was like yeah yeah yeah yeah robin shouted square words at them and then they eventually then he

eventually dropped his backpack they say like they don't say what was willing to me. He was pissed about it. God damn it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The negotiator remained in contact with the man as they made a different plan. Well, this is a dumb town. Ready? Oh, I think we have the name of your movie.

What's it called? The Believers. That's right. The Believers. There's so many people listening who feel better now. Thank you, Brandon. This is how you know you're in a dumb town. Ready?

We're talking about a guy in a tree, threatening people, smoking cigs while neighbors hose him down and try to get him out of the tree. Basically, he's the king of Regina. And then this sentence. While police were talking amongst themselves, the police at no point

should be like, hey guys, let's have a meeting. Let's just hang out over here. What should we call our softball team? I swear to God I was thinking of a softball joke. I was like, you think we'll make softball tonight? No, man. This motherfucker is going to go off. You know how the Canadians love their softball.

Guys, we're up a tree on this one. That becomes a term. We're talking amongst themselves. Concerned parents were talking to each other nearby in an alley. The whole town has come up. Guys, come on up! Well, what are we going to do?

There's a guy up a tree. I guess we should hang out in this alley down here. I guess so. In the alley. Listen, you're right, though. You're right, Randy J. Listen to this. While the cops are talking about themselves,

concerned parents were talking to each other nearby. Conc i well they're gonna tell you whom nearby in an alley about how they hoped the police would wrap it up soon because the kids were about to come home from school they don't want their kids to see this guy in a tree because then they're gonna want to get in the tree and by the way as a child who's definitely witnessed stuff like this because i grew up in florida that is like, you just made my week. Do you remember the time the guy got stuck in the tree? That's the thing we talk about. We watched a guy light himself on fire when we were kids.

Stop. Have you seen the Florida Project yet with Willem Dafoe? Go see it, Dan. Oh, I've heard it's great. It is very, very good. So you saw a guy light himself on fire. Yeah. This is in the days way before meth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just lit himself on fire. Why? I don't know, but I'm never going to forget that. I saw a dude get struck by lightning. Maybe he saw your friend sleeping with his wife. I wouldn't be shocked. In your story about that,

I was hoping that that dad took you out for breakfast and then gave your food to your friend. These waffles are going back to Jeff. What's his name? Jeff. God damn it. So police are talking to themselves. They're doing their own thing, right? Parents are in the alley talking like, hope the kids don't see this. Hope they wrap it up soon.

20 minutes later, a lady could be heard yelling at the man in the tree from the alley. This is a parent. Coming out of the parent meeting. You better get down. Not a cop. Not any sort of first responder. The kids are coming home.

You better get down. I don't know what this is about. She had brought him an Indian taco. Prior to this, the man said he was hungry. Give her the Indian taco. Give the old Indian taco. The woman told 980 cjme buzzkill in the morning quote he says to the cop i'm hungry so i said i would get him something to eat and i went and grabbed him an indian taco from the bannock house and i brought it to the

officer and then we went to give it to him the negotiator took over the conversation at that point robin katzwadam came on from the tree and onto the garage that you saw. I saw the thing. Police told him to keep his hands up while he walked towards them and he was later arrested. He faces over 20 charges, which to me seems...

Stealing the car, definitely. Evading police. Probably stole the bike. Trespassing. Criminal mischief. Stole the bike. Evading... Did you say evading arrest? Yeah, evading arrest. Resisting bike. Trespassing. Criminal mischief. Stole the bike. Evading. Did you say evading arrest? Yeah, evading arrest. Resisting arrest. Making threats to an officer. Destroying the oxygen a tree is creating.

Yep. Wasting water. Smoking. Smoking. I'm going to ask you guys that. Illegal use of an Indian taco. We're going to get out of here on this. How old is Robin K. Swadham. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard you'll pay the price.

Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Okay, now you can go first in the guessing of this. You can go third or in the Tig Notaro slot, which is between me and Jay. I'll go last. Okay. All right.

This guy seems like he's about 33 years old 33 years old the same age Jesus was when he died okay yeah I think this guy

is 28 years old he definitely thinks he knows more about life than he does know and he owns some the only thing that he owns is worth anything

are his stereo speakers you guys are going on the internet because we know he can climb a tree yeah I can barely climb a tree I'm 45

my back is out you need old man you need young man tree climbing strength he is way up in that tree burt uh that's so funny i immediately thought 43 okay okay that's fine not and that's not because you're 33 43 and there's no like vaping involved probably he's on something. And our listeners, feel free to play along at home because Robert Case Wadham is 32 years old. I knew it! Jay! You're so good at this game. I've been on fire lately.

Look, we are off and running. We have our dumb expert in the house. It's like literally we contacted the psychological profiler. We have a dumb profiler in the house. His name is Burt Kreischer. He has an unbelievable podcast. Where can people find your podcast?

Burtcast.com or just iTunes. It's called Burtcast. Holy smokes, it is good. You can also follow him at Jessica Goose. Spelt like Cruz. With a K. No, follow him on Instagram, on Twitter. He is such a good follower.

I wanted Burtcast to be B-R-T-K-A-S-T, like outcast. Yeah is such a good follower. I wanted Birdcast to be B-R-E-R-T-K-A-S-T, like Outcast. Yeah. But Birdcast was Stank. And he wanted to be called Stankoffia. All right. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town. Bert Kreischer, Dan Van Kirk, right after this.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Please, if you want to see a picture of this man from the first story, up in a tree, join our Facebook page. Facebook.com slash dumb people town. K-swadum. K-swadum.

Facebook.com slash dumb people town. We are slowly creeping up in a really nice way towards 15,000 Facebook fans. That's always a fun thing. Bert's been doing some great live shows. Where can people catch you and find your dates and all that stuff? Go to BertBertBert.com. B-E-R-T, B-E-R-T, B-E-R-T.com. I'm on tour until February, and then I do a special in February, and then I do my Call in Sick to Work I do in my calling sick to work tour.

It's going to be fucking huge. It's going to be in theaters. It's a show starts at noon. Drink in the morning. It's day drinking post party up until seven. Okay, so there will be some dumb people town stories to come out of your shows. I want to ask you Bert. How is sober October going?

Yeah, great. Yeah. So Bert and one of our favorite guests on this show, Tom Segura. Jacques Wilson. Jacques Wilson. Attorney at law. Justice. Justice. You will address me as such.

That character Tom Segura created on this show. Basically there was a lawyer named Jacques Wilson and Tom was like, I think he talks like this. Yeah, he is like a Southern. Excuse me. Pardon me. A lawyer in San Francisco. Unreal. Yeah, he is like a Southern. Excuse me. Pardon me. A lawyer in San Francisco. Unreal.

Like totally wears bolo ties every day. And so you guys are both going sober for all of October. But more than you guys. Like me, Ari, and Joe Rogan, and Tom Segura are all doing no drugs, no alcohol, no nothing. And we're doing 15 hot yogas throughout the month. That is unbelievable. How do you feel? I feel fantastic. I feel fantastic, but I wish I felt better.

I would give it another 10 days. I'm not kidding. We're on the middle. You look amazingly loosened. Did you feel any stuff like leaving your sister? No. That was the weird thing. They told me that I'd have to have a doctor-induced detox.

Then you get all these armchair doctors on Twitter. They're like, bro, you're going to die like the guy from True Blood. And I just didn't die like the guy from True Blood. First of all, True Blood is fake. And second of all... No, no, no. The actor in True Blood. Oh, yeah.

The guy from True Blood died. Oh, no. The guy from True Blood died. I just love that Randy was like, guys, that show is not real. There are no vampires. Remember when we love that guys that show is not real there are no vampires uh remember when we saw that guy downtown at the spring but you see yeah yeah yeah yeah it was really nice dude a nice guy but you but people were warning you and you're like i'm fine well i well i got i got scared even too i called my doctor i was like yeah i'm gonna stop drinking

what should i should i like do something about it and he's like yeah just don't put it in your mouth i was like what in your mouth the booze he was like that's how you And he was like, yeah, just don't put it in your mouth. I was like, what? Put it in your mouth? The booze. He was like, that's how you quit. I was like, oh, wait, but I don't need to be like. It's a good rule for life. And so I didn't drink the first night. What is this, a witch doctor? What is this?

And I just felt really good the next day, and I started feeling better. And yeah, I'm running really good. I'm running about six miles under an hour every day. I'm doing 90 minutes of hot yoga, and I'm writing a lot. I feel great, but I'll start drinking again November 1st. Okay. Yeah. I love that you have no illusions. I feel great, but I'll start drinking again November 1st. Okay. Yeah. I love that you have no illusions.

I love booze, man. I have a good willpower, though, too. Oh, my willpower is strong as fuck. It's scary. By the way, you are the one that I think people worried about the most in this challenge. A hundred percent.

And you are the one who is doing the best. Everyone. Joe is the first one to have a breakdown. Joe had a breakdown. And it didn't even start in October. Now, everyone knows Joe and everyone knows

how strong he is and how he's like. He is like a master of will. He can kill you with his fingernail. Beyond. And so we decide right before the month starts

that Ari's like, you know what, if we're going to do this, we should not do weed either because that's kind of cheating. We should go full sober, straight edge. Full sober.

Sober October. So we send a text and then Joe, like this the 29th he's like fuck you I'm not getting rid of weed and he really like and he's like you didn't never said weed and like you watch him backpedal and then he comes out online he's like fuck them I'll smoke weed every goddamn day I just won't drink booze and then all of a sudden Joe broke he's like all right I'm talking crazy you gotta do it if it's sober October, you got to be sober. He just had a fear. And he talked about it on his podcast yesterday. He's like, I haven't done stand-up without smoking weed or taking a shot or something like that.

And he's like, I've done stand-up 15 times sober this month, and I love it. Wow. And so he was the first one to falter. And then Ari faltered. I heard Ari Shaffir kind of lost his brain. Ari started spiraling. And even all of us were like, maybe he should be smoking weed. A lot more.

Yeah. And then Tom, every day, Tom hates hot yoga. Yeah. I can see him hating it. And every day he's just in there like, I fucking hate this. Mad. Just angry. The very first time we did hot yoga, 10 minutes in, he just looks at me and we have fucking 80 more minutes of this that is the thing about hot yoga like there's a

point where you do pranayama breathing at the beginning and it's like so many breaths you're like i cannot believe that this is not over and then you look up you're like yeah i have 80 more minutes it is uh and so i'm the one that's been having the best time with it only because i like i really i'm having a great time i feel great i'm hanging out with my kids you have a great attitude in life and you are approaching this with the same way

that you approach the waterfall you're like if I fall off go upside down if I fall I fall if I fall

I fall I know where I'm going if Bert Kreischer comes to your city go hang with him and enjoy and check out his show and just again

BertBertBert.com check it out the tour and all that stuff and all that other stuff alright Daniel we have another story sent in by Jordan and enjoy and check out his show. And just, again, BertBertBert.com. Yep. Yes. Check it out. The tour and all that stuff and all that other stuff. All right, Daniel. We have another story. Here we go. Ready?

Sent in by Jordan Wendland at Chello Jordan. C-E-L-L-O-J-O-R-D-A-N. Thanks, buddy. Thanks, bud. Marion County, Florida. Oh. The heartland. I know where this is.

You know where that is? Yeah. It's up near. It's like on the East Coast. Okay coast okay yeah it'll be on the map a florida teen is accused of impersonating a deputy to and we're gonna play a little game what was his motivation i'm gonna give you guys three options good burt you can go you can have multiples you can all say the same thing if you want it doesn't matter but you decide where you want to go. I'm going to go first. Was it to buy drugs, impress a girl, or get into a party? He was accused of impersonating a deputy to buy drugs, impress a girl, or get into a party.

Well, I have impersonated a deputy before. Have you really? Yep. How? 17 years old, driving down Dale Mabry on the corner of Ehrlich and Dale Mabry. Me and my buddy Sal witnessed a drunk driver. So we light him up. We pull him over.

What do you light him up? Flash. Got a siren, bro. You have a siren? Oh, yeah. This was Florida. You got a siren. Yeah.

Light him up. Stop. Pull him over. Pull over to the car. By the way, the balls on us at 17 years old. Oh, my God. To pull over an adult. I was hoping you just Harry and Henderson.

You just stuck your head out the window. I wasn't even shaving. Wow. Sal, by the way, at the time was maybe 5'6". Oh, my God. Because they're playing close. Tell him he's been drinking. Get his wallet.

Is he hammered? Walk back to the car and take off took his wallet not his keys? no we didn't do any good out of this no you did not

you were 17 yeah when we got back to the car we panicked we're like we got the guy's fucking wallet what do we do? yeah I mean I guess it is key

the part where you're impersonating an officer no one said you were impersonating a good one light sirens going on down there's a very big street in Tampa yeah

slights are going on we're like halfway we're like we're way too deep into this we need to fucking go let's get out of here pull the siren down took off then you know the guy was like fuck thank god i didn't get a dui exactly i don't need my wallet but thank god i didn't get pulled up that may out of my expertise i'm gonna say it was to impress a girl okay jason or randy i'm gonna say get into a party get into a party from jason scott i think get into a party get into a party which why would you be a deputy to get into a party according to wseh marion county florida the florida teen is accused of impersonating a deputy to impress a girl i know the feeling i know the feeling why

would we doubt the resident how do you say this guy's name isael isael isael isael lima 18 years old lives with his uncle who is a deputy in marion county okay i like this guy he's got like parents already out of the picture access to the anytime an uncle is raising like a late teenager some bad steps were made somewhere along the way things didn't go as planned for his parents. When Lima's uncle left town for the weekend, we're good. You're not going to do anything wrong. Are you 18? I'm good to go, right? Don't touch my badge or impersonate me out in the public. All the numbers are

next to the phone. There's money for a pizza. My handcuffs are in the keys are here. My three badges are over there. Don't touch them. You're going to want to flip the radio to the shoulder, then put on the belt. Otherwise, you're going to be dangling around. Now, be careful

because if you walk around with that badge, people will think that you are a deputy. You got that? I think I'm a deputy. Oh, listen, the keys to my squad car are over there. Don't drive it around. Build it up. Because people are going to really believe that you are a deputy. If you do take the cherry top out, don't run the siren, all right?

That's all I'm saying. When Lima's uncle left town for the weekend, Lima broke into his room. That's a key wordage there. Broke into. Which means the uncle. Locked his room with some weird padlock. That's how much he doesn't trust the guy. I don't trust him enough to go into my room, but I trust him enough to leave town.

What kind of horrible uncle is this? Broke into his room. Uncle Buck. And took his uniform and gun. Investigators said, wow. I'm going to show you this guy's picture. I mean, this kid is going all out. There's one thing he overlooked just on his picture.

They're going to be like, you cannot be a cop with that, dude. Okay. What is he wearing? It's Halloween in July. Full beard. Full beard. Cannot. No cop has a beard.

No cop has a beard. By the way, he looks like a cop. Yeah. Like a cop should not be mistaken for a relief pitcher on the nationals. Dress for the job you want. Not the one you just got fired from. That's right. Quote, he was trying to impress his girlfriend. She's already your girlfriend, man.

What are you trying to impress her for? It is important to keep it up. Bert knows that at any time someone else can come in and start kissing your girlfriend. I've been there. He knows. And I'm locked in a car. And he dressed up in the uniform initially and drove over to the girlfriend's house to show her to show her what look at me in a uniform look at me i just

don't want guys this happens you're gonna pull a little prank i got the uniform i got the squad car i'm gonna pull over just kidding it's me whoa stay here jeff I'm leaving with Isael. Lima. He went over to the girlfriend's house to show her. There's a quote. And it just went from there. What just went? As it does. As it do.

You want to get Dairy Queen? Sure. Everybody down. How many times have you said to somebody? It's a real blizzard right now. Have you said to somebody, I planned on the beginning i didn't plan on the ending yeah a lot right uh walked into a subway with my buddy eddie one time he said let's see if we can get free subs hey is jeff here the guy's like huh jeff the general manager i was

supposed to meet him i'm from quality control at subway you know what i'm not gonna make you i'm not gonna make you just make whatever sub you're comfortable making right and then we'll eat it and we'll say we loved it you whatever you're going to do and the guy's like we'll do it and say we loved it yeah and so the guy makes a sub we're like yeah you obviously we're not paying for this we're from quality he's like i was like yeah yeah i totally understand eating the subs and we're like i can't believe it worked and they're like oh bill's here bill probably knows who jeff is and we're like oh you got billed you got billed you got billed and you didn't even know.

Someone pulled a bill out of their ass. So wait, billed. Did bill come out? Came out. My buddy Eddie is Cuban. We call him El Mentiroso, which means the liar. The liar. Yeah.

And he was fucking amazing. What did he do? How did he do? Went up and just Charlie trumped him. That was Eddie's big move is to talk over the guy. Do you know Dave? And he was like, I guess I don't know Dave. Mine would be cower and pay for the subs.

Eddie just took it to the next level. God, he just had all the time. You double down. If you double down and you go, look, I don't know what's going on. I mean, they told us, is this store number 393? It's not 393? Ah, shit. We're in the wrong region.

Well, you know what? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. What store number is this? 208? All right, we're going to send in a good report on 208 just because. We'll cover it, and we'll tell them they probably don't have to come down here. I'm going to go find out what 393 is. I don't have that skill set.

Yeah, that's what I would have said in the moment if I could have. Bert is just literally stuffing the sub in his jacket pocket just to get out of there. Eddie took us one time to a bar in the in the catskills walked in and said follow my lead the answer is yes and okay so he just went in he goes improv he goes uh shot of tequila beer for the guy i can't believe it's not done yet i'm like okay and the girl's like what are you guys doing he's like well he's writing a book for uh for mtv and uh it's about partying he's the number one party animal in the country and we just haven't been able to find a party. And the girl's like, oh. Chats her up.

She's like, if you guys stick around, you'll get the best party you've ever had. Gives us keys to her car. We drive to her house to take naps. Wake up at 8 p.m. It is dark out. Eddie's like, I think we're in deep. We should just give her car and get out of here.

Drive up and there are at least 500 people in the bar partying. Doors open. Guy opens the Rolling Stone magazine I'm in, looks at me, looks at it, and goes, it's him! The place goes fucking bananas. Yes.

This is amazing. The end of the night, I'm with a girl. I'm trying to get in her pants, and I'm fooling around, and she goes, hey, I'm just doing enough to get in the book. And I go, what book? And she was like,

I thought you were writing a book. And I was like, oh, I forgot. Yes, the book. Yeah. I thought you were talking about the Bible. I thought you were writing a book. And I was like, oh, I forgot. Yes, the book. Yeah. I thought you were talking about the Bible. I thought you were talking about the good book. Yeah. I mean, the book that you were inscribed in life.

Eddie was amazing. He had such a talent for that shit. And then fucking Jeff swoops in and starts kissing her. Jeff broke Eddie's nose. Keep going. How do you say this guy's name? Ishael? Ishael.

Ishael. So I love this. They go, he went over to show his girlfriend. Hey, look at me in a cop car in uniform and it went from there while in uniform this is when i was like this is dumb people tell her we go while in uniform lima broke up a fight and called for backup from real deputies when he met with the sergeant he identified himself as the uncle what yes he start there's a fight that starts happening he He's like, hey, over here. What's going on?

He gets in the cop mode. He went undercover. No, he's in a full uniform. He went undercover. He went undercover. He went undercover. He went undercover. Yes.

Wow. Broke up a fight. Broke up a fight. Starts calling for backup. I need a 740. He has no clue what he's calling for. He started like a two, a 740. I need a, he has no clue what he's calling for. He started like a whole cop neighborhood watch program.

He said, you better not pull a 187 on a motherfucking cop. We should change his motive is not to impress a girl, but to impress a 44 year old comedian in LA.

Yeah, because he just did it. God, he broke up a fight and called for fucking backup. To quote George Bush, mission accomplished. Thank you.

It was not. So the sergeant gets there. He's like, yeah, I'm my uncle. So it's just whatever that guy's name is. I'm my uncle. We are all our uncles. On Monday, his uncle called the same sergeant. The name ran a bell with the sergeant, he said.

The sergeant tells the uncle, yeah, I just met you last night. What happened? You weren't out of town. And then they put two and two together because on some unrelated thing, his uncle's talking to the sergeant. This is what my wife says. No good deed goes unpunished. Here he does, breaking up a fight, doing what he can.

And then boom. This is make one lie and it will come back to bite you in the ass. Guys, he wasn't done there. Lisa also admitted to pulling a person over and giving them a verbal warning. Isael gave someone a verbal warning. Yes, he started just making traffic stops, breaking up,

cleaning up this goddamn neighborhood. I definitely think he did the footloose thing of taking the guy's license and like scraping it under his chin. Like, hey, no back talk. Hold on. Can you imagine if that was something you could purchase to just be able

to pull someone over for like a dollar price in this damage 500 bucks hey man put on the outfit you get to pull this person over and do whatever you get to do

like out of the car out of the car you don't want to do all that I don't want any of that I want to pull someone over so bad they say that

door knocks and pullovers are two of the most dangerous things any cop ever does. Ever. You never know what's in there. That's why my hand's on my piece. Don't do that either. I'm looking for shit to go down. Don't do that.

Don't do that either. That's the rush of it. Remember what we said? You plan the beginning, not the ending. Yeah, you're right. You got to plan all the way through. All the way through. You got to plan all the way through.

All the way through. I can't imagine doing that to me. That's not the worst thing. I'll watch somebody else do it for our way. I won't. Lima faces multiple charges, including personating a law enforcement official and armed burglary. Is that from stealing his gun? Yes.

His uncle's done. His uncle's like, guess where you're not living anymore and i'm ringing you up on our yeah steal my now i know why your parents left what am i gonna what are you gonna do about it uncle oh i don't know i work for the police crazy thing is it's like dude you didn't even need the gun you went you broke up a fight you pulled some people over you were just going to impress a girl just put on the uniform you're still gonna get arrested for that chicks dig a man in uniform i guess especially when it when it's not his. I know. I dig you in that other person's clothes. Alright, that's it.

That's the second story. Third story, when we come back, guys. Stupidity. Is a level... We need disclaimers. Okay. Alright, stick around. More Dumb People Town with Burt Kreischer right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. All right, guys.

Welcome back to the final segment of Dumb People Town. I should mention for our fans, the townies out there, hey, we're coming to New York City doing a live Dumb People Town at the Bell House. On a Sunday night. Sunday night on February 25th.

Before that, we're going to be in Houston at the Come and Take It Festival on the November 17th, 17th, and 18th. 17th and 18th. We're going to do a live Dumb People Town there, which you guys can check out there. So good stuff all the way around. Get your tickets for both of those.

We're going to be in Bloomington. And we may be doing, are we doing it? Are we doing live DBT as part of Sketch Fest? I think we are. Yeah, I part of Sketch Fest? I think we are Yeah, I think we are too I think we are doing that So we'll give you the date That'll be great

That'll be the second weekend Of the festival I believe it's the 21st 21st, January 21st In San Francisco In San Francisco Club Sunday afternoon Let's fill it town

Oh my god Yes, 3pm It's really competing with nothing The biggest town meeting of whatever Let's do a huge town meeting Everybody in Northern California And for all our friends up there Who deal with the fires Yeah I think you need to laugh And we're going to try And bring it to you Alright Here we go, ready? Yes Let's do a huge town meeting. Everybody in Northern California and for all our friends up there who are dealing with the fires, I think you need to

laugh and we're going to try and bring it to you. Alright. Here we go. Ready? Let's do it. So sent in by Jeff P.V. P.V. Jeff. P.E.A. V.Y. J.E. F.F. Is this the Jeff that fucked over Bert? Sorry.

A woman? Okay, I need to disclaimer. There are pictures accompanying with the story I'm about to tell you. They will be posted on the Facebook page.

Join the Facebook page. It is you. You are your own responsibility for looking at these. Okay. You three do not have a choice.

We are going to be forced to watch this. A woman has revealed how she turned her own labia into jewelry after having it snipped off during a designer vagina procedure. A designer vagina.

I think, again, it is pronounced vagina. Those sound like lyrics from Hamilton. Designer vagina. Tracy Kiss documented how she upcycled her loose skin from either side of her vagina on a second like an upsell yeah upcycle is when you take like a shirt and put buttons on it and they're like now it's a coat into a piece of art after she underwent labiaplasty surgery surgery in december bird i love your face first face is saying i don't understand I've heard of v-jazzling before. You have heard of v-jazzling,

but this is a whole other... Miss Kiss. I know what she cut off. Her labia. Yeah, it was just a little too loose. A little too butterfly for her. Here's the thing. She is treating her vagina like it's an American buffalo and she's a Native American. She's trying to use every part of it to be something

else. Miss Kiss. My labia. labia turns into moccasins yeah the post updates on instagram and twitter admits that she's a huge fan of keepsakes and sees her latest homemade jewelry stop as being no different she did turn her uh i'm gonna show you guys the finished product turned her g spot into a keychain but the problem with that is that no one could find it. What? No, it's like a pendant. She made a red string. Dip it down a little.

I can't see. Oh, my God. She seems attractive. Unless that's just a model holding it. You never know. It's more of a mood ring. If it gets bigger, she's in a good mood. Yeah, it gets really red when it's angry.

Kiss says she first decided to keep the, quote, cutoffs, not jeans, labia, as a trophy because she'd experienced pain from the excess skin. However, the tissue began to turn gray. A trophy? The tissue began to turn gray and wrinkly after being kept in a jar of surgical fluid. At this point, Kiss decided to transform, this is quote, to transform my labia into an empowering pendant to be

worn as a fashion accessory. Yeah. Oh, what is that? That is so... I can't. That is so beautiful. What is that? Oh, it's just a thing I made. What is it? Like, what's it made out of? You can't even get it. No, I just want to know what it's made out of in case I wanted to buy it. I made it myself.

Is it a swath of elephant? Is it a swath of elephant skin? It's organic. It's kind of South Philly, but it looks like foreskin. No. It's not that. What is it? I mean, it's sort of foreskin. What is it?

It's later skin. Later skin? Okay. No. What is it if I were going to go out and buy it at a store right now? I can't hear you. I cannot understand a word that you're saying. It's my labia. Okay. Look're saying. It's my labia.

Okay. Malabia. What's Malabia? It's my labia. My labia. Walked through concert doors and rolled all over Coliseum floors. It was left on stage at the date all the people gave and the poor got paid. What is this?

That's my Adidas. My Adidas, which we also sometimes change the words to my black penis fair enough showing just how she transformed the genital body part into a glittery oval pendant she first created a mini washing glittery is a stretch well wait till you about to see the picture i'm going to show you stop it's a mini washing line she used she created a mini washing line from a cardboard box and hung up the two pieces of labia with pegs before painting them red and sprinkling glitter all over them. It's like this, like the art my kid does in preschool.

There you go, guys. Minus the labia. Oh my God. I would definitely try eating that. Doesn't it look like the fanciest piece of crab meat you've ever seen? Yeah, it looks like tuna. It's like a Toro. You have to order the labia.

I'll have the labia roll and a sunset roll by the way that clip is a two inch she had a lot of fucking labia i looked at that thing and i said wait no nothing against her for saying this is uncomfortable for my body there's reason that is you do whatever you want to do but it is odd to make it into jewelry if that labia was at Mood and we were talking about Project Runway, you would be using the majority of your money to pay for yards of that labia

from Mood. Yes. And make it work. Designers, if you want to sprinkle your labia, I'm not against a drapey labia. You want to drape the labia? Just drape that labia. I'm not against a drape. Pull it. I'm not against... You want to drape the labia? Just drape that labia. I'm not against a drape.

Put it over your shoulder. She writes... Stick it in your ear. Whatever happens. I just make it work. Process. Quote, when I came across crystal jewelry making,

Randy... Is that... I was going to say when I came across crystal meth because that's what you take when you do this. I saw the picture of that labia and I was like,

when did the Rolling Stones come out with a new album? Wow. Tattoo you. Tattoo me. Oh, there it is. At Sklar Brothers. Carson comes out late.

That was wild. That's a little labia. See lips like that. Did you see this? Lips like that since I dated Carly Simon. Okay. You're so vain. You're so

vain-y. I see too vain. Stop it! That was Bert. That is at Bert Kreischer. Send all complaints to him. She writes in the process when I came across

crystal meth jewelry making it seemed a quirky and easy way to make bestowed keepsakes for all purposes. No shit for there. I'll be at mine may be quite unique after creating the pendant kiss said she was keen to share her story. Of course she did this to

tell people the only reason this is she added quote my labia have been successfully preserved are colorful bright and cheerful and mark the end of my suffering one step closer to breaking down the taboo of female circumcision didn't i didn't know that i didn't even know that was i'm not saying it isn't i just didn't know i didn't know that's female circumcision i guess i thought that was when they cut their clitoris off that's what i thought too i don't know i also feel like it's murky water for me to even wade into we don't know she does something better for herself great good for her is weird the jewelry is strange look i actually

applaud her if she wants to turn something into art i don't have a judgment on it my judgment is why do you need to share that with the world she says do it for yourself she says it's a unique talking point and bestowed jewelry that she will cherish. Hey, you know what else is a unique talking point? A ferret. You can get one of those and that becomes a unique talking point. There it is. One final look.

Duck it down. Dip it down a little. The finished product. Let me see. The finished product. The glittery labia. She made a full pendant out of it, guys. She did.

I have a lot of testicle skin. Why don't I tighten my shit up? You tighten up. Make a bracelet. Or an anklet. Or just sew it onto my earlobe. Either that or cufflinks. Testicle skin, cufflinks.

There you go. My daughter's having a boy. He's going to get circumcised. Right? Yeah, you take that. Make a little pinky ring out of it. Christmas, give it to my dad my dad's like what is this and go guess yeah whatever you do just make sure you glitter it

you know this is her opening of every date you're probably wondering what my pendant is can we just no one's wondering no more bread can we just get some more bread no one's wondering at all yeah nobody nobody was i actually didn't even notice it for what but you have a pendant on there what I do. Look at it. Hey. Do you want to hold it? No.

Look, you know the- You can't hold it. Let me tell you something. You know the phrase, loose lips sink ships. Oh, my gosh. Jake. All right. Before we get out of here-

No nude taxes. Raid my lip. I like backing into that one raid my pendant no new taxes look before we get out of here for our final sometimes we do a final story

or find a special thing Bert Kreischer has one of the most famous stories ever that is certainly circulated on Facebook I don't know that our fans know it I know your fans know it we're wondering if we could break it down. If you could do a five-minute version of this epic story, and we can ask questions and break it down with you

the way we broke it down. Those who know it, it is called The Machine. If you know it, you will be... Get ready to sit back and enjoy one of the greatest stories. If you don't know it, get ready for magic. Tell us, I guess it's the origin of The Machine. When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian mafia

and robbed a train. Okay. Fair enough. That is something, a phrase that most people... That's a show. Yeah, that's it, guys. It's been a great show.

No, that is a phrase that most people don't have in their back pocket. If they're out of the Trump administration. But if you're in the Trump administration, maybe you then.

Then a lot of people. Although it does prove, I think that's part of the reason this story went viral is the Trump administration started having things with Russia. People started Googling Russia. And then I showed up.

So you got involved, 22, Russian mafia. What happened? I took a class. Didn't learn the language. I just got passed. It was Florida State. It was Russian? Oh, I took about four semesters of Russian.

Four semesters of Russian at Florida State. And you never learned it. And you weren't an athlete on the FSU football team. No. And you still passed. Russian 4 was taught in Russian. Stop. And you passed. And you still passed. And you weren't an athlete on the FSU football team? No. And you still passed. Russian 4 was taught in Russian. Stop. And you passed.

And you still passed. And I still passed. You don't know a word of Russian. I was like being an immigrant at the DMV every day. Just her going, and I was like, I guess. You were literally recorded as saying, it's all Greek to me. It's Russian. All right.

So what happened? We take a study abroad trip. Get there. 1995. Russia. First thing they'd say. Wall has come down six years earlier. Get there, 1995. Russia. Wall has come down six years earlier. Just letting you know. Fresh.

They say to us first night, the Russian mob runs everything. We've paid off the mafia to keep you safe. What? Eastern promises over here. Way before Eastern promises. We give us two gangsters. The word's banditi. They're going to live with you, walk you to class, take you on field trips. Don't talk, so we give us two gangsters. The word's banditi.

They're going to live with you, walk you to class, take you on field trips. Don't talk to them. They're in the mafia. I'm like, fuck it. They're going to be my best friend. You're like,

I couldn't talk to him if I wanted to. I haven't learned a word of Russian. I have fake friends with them. So I learn a sentence in Russian. Which is? Здравствуйте.

Меня зовут Берт. Очень приятно. Я работаю в Горшка. My name is Bert. Very nice to meet you. I work pussy. Please don't rape me. I work pussy. It really means I work with cats.

Anyway, and so I grab a bottle of vodka and knock on the door. Gangster opens the door. His name's Igor. He looks at me and he just goes, and I panicked. Which means what? It means what?

Are you asking what it means? Yeah, no, it means what? It means what? And so I panic. Which means what? It means what? What? It means, are you asking what it means? Yeah, no, it means what? It means what? Yeah, exactly. It means what? And so I panic. And what I try to say is I'm the man, which is Yamashino. But I said Yamashino, which means I'm the machine.

I don't know. And he starts laughing hysterically. You got to remember, there's no real slang in Russia at the time. Right. Because they had just come out of communism where you wanted your words to mean what they want. So when I said I'm the machine, he's like, you're your words to mean what they want so when I said I'm the machine he's like

you're a fucking car and I was like I'm the machine brings me in a room full of nine Russian gangsters and goes tell them what you said so I go

I'm the machine and they're like he's the machine I drink shot for shot with them they love me of course because you can drink

the fact that you can drink vodka this is not sober October this is the time when you're going downtown you're like a Russian bear going after him. And they hadn't seen any of the movies we grew up on,

so anytime I needed a joke, I'd just reach in her bag, call Caddyshack quotes. Zip. Destroy. Yeah, kill. Crush. Destroy.

All right. It's like when Billy Crystal went over and tried to do comedy in Russia, and he killed. That's right. I told him, there'll be no money, but when you die.

We did a pool hall scam one night, and I started doing that Tom Cruise Call Over Money shit. It's in the way that you use it. Dancing around the table. Stop it. Hi-ya! With a sword. And all the gangsters are like, who the fuck is he?

And Igor's like, he's the machine. So one day, whole class takes an overnight train trip to Moscow. Igor says, I can't go. Different mafia runs train, different mafia runs Moscow. Of course. Don't worry, when we get there, I'll introduce you to the new bandit. They'll take care of you. The new bandit.

We got two new gangsters on the train, Igor and Igor. What are their names? That's on brand. That's on brand. Igor says to me, he says to me, guys, this is a machine. You give the machine vodka, you'll have a great time. So you're like a gremlin to these guys. A human gremlin.

Feed the machine as much vodka as you can they've never met an american they're fucking through the roof and i'm this big i'm the the stereotype of what they want of course do you have a mullet back then uh no i had purple hair because i dyed my hair blonde they didn't like gays in russia they made me dye it black and halfway through the blood became purple it started purple. So it was a weird purple. Purple hair. Purple hair. All right, Pee-Purse. So. You get on the train.

Igor, Igor. Go to first class. Start drinking. Everyone's booze, food. Everyone that works on the train is paying their respects. The conductor walks in, rips off the stars and stripes to his shirt, gives them to me, and he goes, it would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with the machine. Everyone.

Everyone knows the machine. Get out of here. I'm 22 years old thinking these machine stories might have gotten out of control. Drink all the booze. It went from there. Igor goes, let's go to the bar cart. We'll get more vodka. I'm like, fuck.

Now I'm like, fuck yeah, I'm in the mob. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. Yeah, I will. I might bump someone off. Yeah, roll into the bar cart. Go behind the bar. Igor says to me in Russian. In Russian, he goes, machine, grab bread.

And I understood him. Oh! I'm fucking learning. You're learning what? This is my way. Not through flashcards and textbooks. learning what this is my way not through flashcards and text but this is the way cultural immersion this is like an immersion program i'm behind the bar like i understood you he's like grab cheese i was like i know what you're

saying he's like good for you that's right vodka i was like all right no give me another one he's like grab the money i'm like huh hey he goes grab the fucking money and i realized at that instant we're robbing the bar cart and and I'm the one doing it, hooked on Phonics style. Oh, God. Fudge ripple. Walk back to first class, rob the bar cart, walk back. Door opens after five minutes.

Teacher rolls in. Your teacher? Nope. English teacher, who was a chaperone of the train trip, didn't speak Russian. Uh-oh. Swings the door open, and in that liberal arts confidence confidence is like, this is fucking over. You're done, mister. Get up.

Big Igor looks at me, smiles, takes a sip of vodka, spits it in her eyes and goes, no one talks to the machine like that. What? Shuts the door and goes,

fuck that bitch. This is Russia. Wow. Now I'm thinking, oh my. What did I do? That's what they did to Hillary. I hope they're also looking down on her

and be like, she don't even know any Russian. She knows so much. I got bread got bread i'm gonna go ask her to get the bread i got bread she and then he goes don't worry machine when it gets dark we have good time reaches his pocket pulls out a ring of keys i go what are we doing against dark fishing for the keys we're robbing the whole fucking train no now we're robbing the whole fucking train that's the point when i bow out yeah uh well if you're ready to back out of a subway i hope your response subway sandwich shop do you and you're still rolling i hope your response was i understood you i can't believe it where were you fucking a year ago when i was doing my special uh well i always say that you got to know who the fuck you are

in those moments before leading up to that moment. I always say that you got to know who the fuck you are in those moments before leading up to that moment. I always say that with cocaine. If people put cocaine on the table, are you the person that's like, ah, I'll do one little, or you go, I don't do that. And in that moment, I was like,

I thought I'd be like, I'm going to go back and work on my verbs, but apparently I'm the dude that's like, fuck it, let's start with my class. So we robbed them first while they slept, and then we robbed the whole train while everyone slept. It's the reason the story went viral because the first comment on Facebook, obviously someone I know, some girl from my class, Susan Hodgson.

And her first comment was, this is 100% true story. I was on that train. He robbed us. And here are pictures from that night. And she posted them in the comment section. So anyone that saw the story was like, holy shit, this is a true story. And that's the reason it went viral. So you robbed Susan Hodgson as well?

Yeah, I robbed everybody. Wow. Me and Igor and Igor. Who kept the money? Igor and Igor. And by the way, we robbed me too because my bag was with them. All right, okay. So you robbed yourself.

So you got robbed. To me, I actually think that makes this whole thing worthwhile. They stole the pocket knife my dad gave me. Son of a bitch. I know. He gave me a... Anyway. So we pull into Moscow.

We drop everyone. We drink all night. We pull into Moscow. 6 a a bitch. I know. He gave me a... Anyway. So we pull into Moscow. We drop everyone. We drink all night. We pull into Moscow. 6 a.m. Hammered. Sun's up. Train stops. Door opens, right?

Same teacher, not mad. Smiling, looks at me and goes, I wanted to be the one to tell you they've alerted the police. And I look out. I see two cops talking to my whole class. They're in their pajamas. They're upset. They've been robbed.

Of course they are. You did the robbing. Yeah. Igor sees this and is like, don't worry, I speak to police for the both of us. And I was like, no, no,

I can speak to the police. Yeah, I know this. I don't know where to get the fucking cheese. Yeah. Igor goes out to the cop. There's a word in Russian called casual, which is like a fuckable goat.

Sure. All I hear is him yelling casual, grabs the cop by the arm, spins him around and starts going, fuck you, we fuck you in the mouth. We fuck you in the ass. I'm like, stop with the we shit. Don't roll me into this.

Is that the royal we or am I in that we? I'll hold him down, but I'm not going to fuck him. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. In perfect Russian. In perfect Russian. Извините, пожалуйста. Спасибо, спасибо. I'm fucking conjugating at this point. Like, how do I know the president's subjunctive? I literally am holding him down while perfectly mastering the blue perfect.

The blue perfect. I get off the train. I walk to the cop who's standing in front of the class I just robbed. Next to the gangster I robbed him with. All I'm thinking in my head at that point, and I swear to God cop who's standing in front of the class I just robbed. Next to the gangster I robbed them with. All I'm thinking in my head at that point, and I swear to God this is my only thought was,

this isn't how I planned on spending my second junior year. It's the only thought I, like, second. It was Florida State. Who does? Florida State. It's Florida State.

I get five feet from the cop who looks impatient and not happy. No. He takes two big steps, cuts the distance, grabs me by the arm, spins me away from my class, away from Igor, grabs me by the arm, spins me away from my

glass, away from Igor, pulls me right to his face. He goes, so I understand you're the machine. It's so great. Tonight you party with us. And I was like, excuse me? He goes, tonight you party with us. Do you like strip club? I was like, yeah.

Yeah, of course. I was like, wait, I'm not in trouble. And he gets so close to me, I can smell his morning cigarette and he goes no fuck that bitch this is Russia I hope you tour to like grade schools in Florida to show those kids that just like you you can be anything you want

you can be anything you want you can be a guy from seven years of college and any I grew up in Florida sharpening my own homemade knives I never thought I could rob a bank Anything. You can be a guy. Seven years, seven years of college and any, and a drink you want. I grew up in Florida sharpening my own homemade knives. I never thought

I could rob a bank. Here we go. I never thought I could rob a train. He is Bert Kreischer. His website is BertBertBert.com. Check him out

when he comes, he comes to his life. Check out the Bert cast. It is so good. And you guys are going to be on it, right? We'll come do it for sure. All three of us will come

We'll do it in November when we're drinking. Yeah, let's do it. All three of us will come do it. I got We'll do it in November when we're drinking. Yeah, let's do it. All three of us will come do it. I would love to do it. I got four mics. We can do it. Let's do it.

Thank you, everybody. This is such a treat to get to do this show. Next week on the show, the great Jay Larson. He's going to be on the show. He's got a special coming out, so check that out. And holy shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.