Dumb People Town - Beth Stelling - The Pizzas Are Coming From Inside The House

Episode Date: July 7, 2020

This week Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Beth Stelling to town. In story one a man is terrorized for nearly a decade by mysterious food deliveries. In story two, an Australian teenager takes an insane dare to impress a woman. In story three, a nude sunbather is mistaken for be dead. 

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Stelling. Beth Stelling. Welcome to the show. I'm so happy to be here. Oh my God. Basically, we just want to have you on something every week.

So we can hang out with you. We have you on Sklarantine Comedy Hour. We have you on. Against your desire to actually go on and do online shows. Well, that's not true i the the only things i've done i've been with you guys because i want to do them and then i trust that it will be a good time it always is well you did that then you did jay's like elementary school benefit still have parents texting me going what's her name i'm like you don't pay attention and they're

like that the abortion bit analogy to leftovers thing is the thing that keeps getting thrown around. It's a memorable bit. Great bit. It's a classic. You are. You have memorable bits. And we'll talk about your special, which is coming out later on HBO Max, which I just signed up for. But we have more pressing matters right now.

And we ask all of our guests this question. And Beth, I really am curious to know your opinion on this. Do you think the world is getting dumber every day? Yes, before you finish your question, yes. Okay, well, then I won't even do the second half. Do you want to hear the second half? I do, I do, I do. The second half is, do you think it's getting dumber

or are we just hearing more of the dumb or privy to it? Are we more, have more access to the stupidity that people are doing or is it a combination of both? Okay. I am glad I heard you out there for the second part, but what, how dumb of me to interrupt. I,

you know, I want to go with dumb. Everybody's getting dumber because I mean, like I've tried to just talk to some people during this, like, again, I'm doing it with you guys. Cause I'm comfortable and happy with you guys because i'm comfortable

and happy with you guys but like if i'm why would i do someone's new podcast and like hey so how'd you get into comedy how are you i'm like good no i i don't have like what do you mean how am i i need someone who like knew me before this yeah right to like be okay with them you know yeah we all need to like hold each other emotionally just for a little bit yeah and just be like you're okay there can be no sniffing out it just has to be like if you guys start falling apart i'm fucked i mean i need you guys to stay strong like you're the happy married couple that's like if they can do it i can do it we're the canary in the coal mine if we, then it all goes.

It's all going to shit. Well, I'm really excited to jump into a story right away. So what happens is our fans, and if anybody wants to send a story who's listening, all you got to do is type. What's the hashtag? Hashtag Dumb People Town. Send it to at Daniel Van Kirk. He's the best.

Is it spelled correctly? Dumb People Town? Yeah. Sometimes. Sometimes. Hashtag Dumb People Town at Daniel Van Sometimes. Sometimes. Hashtag Dumb People Town at Dan Ovekerk. He can tell who sent it when. Twitter gives you the timeline.

Twitter time stamps it. So whoever sent it, Dan has read the story cursorily. Jay and I haven't heard anything. Beth hasn't heard anything. And we're going to try and work our way through these details. So Dan, let's jump into one. All right, here we go. This was sent in by Ty Jones at at ty jones s e a which i

imagine is seattle or just he loves the sea you're not really sure or it's like a professional title that we don't know about right we're not perfect senior no he's in the c org for uh possible yeah or he's a pilot that's out of seattle that's right that's right that's out of Seattle. That's right. That's right. Only speaks in airport code. You going to ORD? You going to ORD? Are you an MDW guy? Are you an MDW guy? What's your... DFW.

DFW's all the way. I'm going to throw you off and say BWI. But I'm there. What's Minneapolis? Is it MPI? Yes, I think so. I thought it was MLP.

Wait. Minneapolis? MSP. MSP. Wait, Minneapolis? MSP. MSP. Yes, they are MSP. This is absolutely a fun game that comics should be playing. It's so fun. Airport.

That would be a great podcast. Welcome back to Airport Codes with Beth Stelman. It's just an hour of people buzzing in to say the right airport code. Yeah, for sure. What's Boise? It's just every question. I was going to say, which one's the confusing one in texas is it houston houston hobby and george bush international there's one of the airport codes always throws me off for one of them so our joke

was that hobby is like the low rent like horrible one in houston and we said there's george hw bush that's the other. Hobby is the George W. Bush. I should call it that. It's like there's not a bookstore. It's just picture books. It's like two strip clubs. It's not their main focus. It's more of a hobby.

You know, like that they buy. Just like the presidency. All right, here we go. This was written by Ty Jones from SCA. At the doorstep of a humble home in Antwerp, Belgium, Jean Van Langham, I tried, has been living out his own personal M. Night Shyamalan movie for nearly a decade.

He's dead? I don't know. It started nine years ago when Van Langem told Het Latest News. Dan, you're working so hard, Dan. Suddenly, a pizza delivery man handed me a whole load of pizzas, but I hadn't ordered anything. Are you guys nodding because you know this story?

We already did it on your show. We do. It's fine. It's fine. We touched on it on our podcast, but I love this story, and it's fantastic, and I have lots of thoughts on it. So pizzas are coming. Sure.

And he's not sure if they're coming from inside the house. Well, it started with one. One accidental delivery turned into two, then three, then hundreds. Pizza, kebabs, sandwiches. If a food could be put in a bicycle basket, it was on its way to this unsuspecting man's front door. And he didn't pay for any of it. And this has been going on for nine years. At some point, I don't want want a victim blame but you need to move

right or enjoy the food or say yeah yeah yeah leave it out front i'm not paying is he mad but are they leaving it or are they showing up and he's not paying so then they leave with the food oh if he's not getting the food this is disastrous because you could be the host of the best parties in town all the time. Yeah, you're like, I don't know. It just keeps coming. I have no idea. I think, who wants pizza tonight, guys? Also, is it always the same store that's delivering?

That's my thing. That's a great question. If this has been going on for almost 10 years, why are they still delivering food? I think it's a bunch of different stores. This is when, if it is the same store, the owner has a crush and it's gotten out of hand for 10 years. This is a crime of passion. Or I'm going to

tell you, this is like Belgium's version of Windy City Heat. The long play. It is the long play prank on somebody. How many times do he says this has been a nightmare? But you know damn well that over the course of nine years,. How many times do he says, this has been a nightmare, but you know damn well that over the course of nine years, there's some point where he's like,

just leave it. I'll pay for it. I didn't want it tonight. People were like, hey, we're coming to your dinner party. What do you want us to bring? He's like, nobody needs to bring anything. Trust me.

I have pizzas for days. The world will provide. But if this were an M. Night Shyamalan movie plot, every time a thing of food gets delivered to this guy, like a new crop circle happens in Iowa. Right. Also, if it's an M. Night Shyamalan movie, he is ordering the food and doesn't know.

Or someone is in his house. Or he's delivering it to himself. He's a ghost. No, he's a ghost in this house. And the owners keep trying to get food delivered to their house, but he doesn't know that he doesn't live there. I'm going to tell you. He's sending like spooky sending all these people

away. Thank you, Beth. I appreciate your nod. He's loving it. I'm going to tell you M. Night Shyamalan's next script, all right? Okay. His next movie is the movie where the guy who's the lead in the movie we find next movie is the movie where the guy who's the lead in the movie, we find out is writing the movie. He eats himself.

Right. He's his own human centipede. He becomes a human centipede. I think that if this were an M. Night Shyamalan movie, that all the food that was being delivered was dead. Yes. Also, now that I think about Also, if you are,

now that I think about it, if you're him, you can't ever accept any of the food. Like, you can't pay for it. Because if you do, then the stores are going to be like, should we call him? No, because sometimes he wants it when we get there, and sometimes he doesn't. So, Beth, let me ask you this.

If you accepted all this food because you, maybe you were the type of person who's like, I can't, I'm a non-confrontational person. They made the food. I don't want it. Would you tip every time? Maybe that's why he's pissed. I got to tip this guy again. Yeah. This delivery guy just, it's a, if it, it could be a scam. Like, you know, in my high school, like back in my town, there was, it wasn't the pizza, but it was dry cleaning. And they would overcharge the customers, these high school students, and pocket the money.

Oh, wow. So maybe this is a scam. Let's see this guy. Like, what if he, yeah, what if the food was never delivered? And I don't know. Yeah, what if the food was never delivered? I don't know. Also, if it's been going on for nine years,

move your goddamn recliner by the window and just start yelling at them as they get out of their car. No, no, no need. You don't even have to. Turn around. Go right back. I don't need it. And it's not a big town, right? No, right.

Antwerp's kind of big. Is it big? Yeah, I think it is. You'd think word would get around. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's not nine years big. Don't deliver it. Right.

He could also call these places and be like, hey, I'm me. I know it causes me more of a hassle, but I will only ever pick up from you. Or I have a code word. Unless you hear this code word, don't bring me the food. I have a safe word.

I have a safe word. It's called anal sex. Write it down. No, you heard me. Quote. He's like, don't you guys know me by now? And because it's anal sex, leave the food in the back door. Wait, go ahead, Beth.

What were you saying? Oh, no, I was going to say, it's also so like, this would have worked old fat, like in old times. This is an old prank. This is an old prank. Like now, you pay, you prepay. Like there's no such thing really as, as like you don't pay cash for the pizza when it shows up it's paid for i just drove across the country and almost half the country and

back and there were some places like in atlanta texas where it still had it that you could just start pumping your gas and they just trusted you to come on in and pay for it and i'm like oh there's still there are still places like this where they're like yeah we i don't even remember that when you would just pump it you didn't have to prepay anything do you remember that you of course you do you guys worked at the gas station people would pump and then come in and pay you for it i mean yeah we worked but you're right we're past these times unless in antwerp they're like we're an old-fashioned food delivery there's no gr no Grubhub in Antwerp. No. No. Or Postmates.

He says, quote, I cannot sleep anymore. I start shaking every time I hear a scooter on the street. That's your problem. Don't do victim blame. I dread that someone will come to drop off hot pizzas yet another time. One man's nightmare is another person's dream. Right. Why is that so bad it would be such so many good parties and then just say i always got food come over yes it's like food roulette what's coming he's having to send it away i don't know what i don't guess

what's coming to dinner yeah so there are four of us i like that guess what's coming to dinner is perfect so there are four of us and we're relatively smart people. In all of our own ways, we are smart people. None of us can figure out what's a backhanded compliment at me. Yep. None of us can figure out what's bad about this. We're all trying to figure out what is the negative about. Like, why is he said he hears a scooter and he gets the shakes?

He's got PTSD. Scooter PTSD. There has been no warning of when the food will arrive, nor has Van Langdom discovered any discernible patterns that could help him track down his tormentor. This is the other thing. Tormentor! I know, Beth.

That's what I was going to say. How many of us get an arch nemesis? I know. We have people that were like, I don't really like him. He doesn't really like me. Right, right. But we're in a relationship with them. Yes. this is my moriarty you know this right

this feels like a guy that would like his arch nemesis would send him postcards from places that he wishes he could go and instead of just ripping them up he forces himself to read them why do i have to read you don't have to read it but just throw it away this is an insult to anyone who's been victimized at all you cannot call this guy a victim truthfully like you're getting the victim of a long prank that doesn't seem to be funny it's a windy city and it's just like yeah again what is bad about getting food i'm just like some of this just doesn't add up it's like when a guy is telling a story and it's like not a good story. And he's like, what?

But then I, yeah. And then she didn't know who I was until the lights came on. And then she realized that I wasn't her husband, that she was fucking. No one fucked you. No one fucked you. And you just made a bad story longer. That's all you did.

Yeah. It just feels like, how is this even real yeah and then they end like this pretty crazy right you're like no it's not nothing about what you just said was crazy no we're getting embarrassed for you it can happen as a quote it can happen on a weekday or during weekends or any time of day when restaurants are open the orders come from delivery services and turnouts, I tried, but also from the surrounding area. I have even had orders delivered to me at 2 a.m.

One of the worst days of my life occurred in 2019 in January when 10 separate delivery men arrived at his home. One of them was carrying 14 pizzas. This is his Holocaust, guys. This is really awful. If this doesn't put the Black Lives Matter movement into perspective, I don't know what does.

You know what? Go ahead. No, you go. I was going to say, if you're taking 14 pizzas to somebody's house and you've been doing this for nine years, this is on you. Yeah. It's on the delivery people, too. But what were you saying? Yes.

Agreed. No, something new came to my mind, which is I think this guy john i think he's a bad man and deserves this so you're saying like someone is messing with if someone is so committed to sending him these things like that's crazy the 10 the 10 in a night it's commitment right is it his ex i i just feel like it feels like there's this is a personal crime yeah yeah and you know what or maybe it's commitment right is it his ex i i just feel like it feels like there's this is a personal crime yeah yeah and you know what or maybe it's multiple exes maybe they all got together and they're like he didn't tip a delivery driver one time and they're like and he was like really man and then this van langdon guy was like hey whatever i'm never gonna tip any of you delivery guys. And the guy was like, okay, we're going to find out.

But there is some evil. But there is something evil about taking something good and making it bad. It's like, yeah, okay, it's bad. Too much of a good thing. I'm going to throw snakes in your door. We already hate snakes. But now you're taking pizza.

You're ruining pizza for me. Snakes in your door. All right, we already hate snakes. But now you're taking pizza. You're ruining pizza for me. But if the man or woman who's doing this... Snakes in your door. Yeah, we'll throw snakes in your door. Snakes in your door. We got a snake in your door. What'd you do? What'd you do?

What'd you do? Nobody just goes around with snakes in doors. What'd you do to somebody? Didn't Kyle Kinane's mom say that? Oh, yeah. Maybe I'm subconscious. Kyle Kinane did mom say that? Oh yeah. Maybe I'm subconscious. Kyle Kinane did a bit about how his mom came to his house and he has like one of those mail slots

where the mail goes through. I'm maybe getting this right on. She did say snake in the- She's like, he's like, isn't this great? You know, the place he's like, and his mom was like, yeah, it's great. If someone wants to throw a snake in the mailbox, they can.

That was it. That was it. I subconsciously called upon that. Kyle was like wait mom that's the first thing you came into my not that the door looks pretty or anything like in the door that was the first thing that came to my so good you're thinking about dumping garbage in someone's house i don't know but this will turn pizza good on the heels of talking about his worst day ever in january 2019 also if that 14 pizzas and a whole bunch of liver is your worst day ever

i'm gonna go on and say you're doing okay in life great life um that should be your worst day he said quote van day van dangling said quote i only buy pizzas from collier root or aldi i'm familiar with audrey but not c-o-l-r-u-y-t i never asked for them to be to be delivered to my house well you can't i mean i guess you could delivered, but it's not the same thing. Here we go. This is where it thickens for me. Making the case even stranger is that the same exact thing

has been happening to a friend of John Van Lankum's who lives 20 miles away in Herrenhout, Belgium. This is an M. Night Shyamalan movie. I want to solve this, Mr. L. I already have. The other person it's happening to is the one doing it. Because they're like, it's me too. I'm definitely, I'm the victim just like you are.

That's smart. I agree. It's like stabbing yourself in the leg with a knife after you murdered someone. Or basic instinct stuff. Yes. Right? Isn't that? Times 10.

Yes. Or the end of Scream. You have to look like you're also the victim. Yes. That was really deep, man. My mom's going to kill me. I love that we just both, we know why. Everybody remembers those weird-ass Matthew Lillard lines.

Because he was, that's his pivotal and only role. By the way, I met Matthew Lillard. I'm not even shitting on him. SLC Punk, he was amazing. By the way, I met Matthew Lillard. He is like recently, like in the last two, he was at a the way i met matthew lillard he is like recently like in the last two he was he was at a friend of mine's 50th birthday party he's friends with him in pasadena the tweet that just went viral about him no somebody but it was like a just a very

awkward bad looking photo of him next to trump and he looked similar to trump and somebody tweeted uh this is the role matthew lillard was born to play and that kind of went viral so then he retweeted it and he goes this is the most disgusting Lillard was born to play. And that kind of went viral. So then he retweeted it and he goes, this is the most disgusting, insulting thing anyone has ever said to me and I'm available. Yes. Matthew Lillard. I found him to be awesome.

Like he was, it was- I'd like him to work more. Yeah, well, he's like- He does a lot of animation, right? He does. Yep, and he's an acting teacher and he teaches that he's just he was just great it was a it was at our friend's 50th birthday party and our friend's mom mary and his mom was so cute she married michael gross the dad from family ties okay this is my michael gross story well no i went out

because that's all i know okay so i was hanging with michael gross and matthew lillard at this party that's what i call those comedy life moments where you're like where you think to yourself how did i get here like when we did the comedy gives back uh whatever that thing was yeah show funders and they were like oh check in with the producer and so i went in to just make sure we were all set up for it and the producer was not to be found and it was just me who i've done shows with but i was like this is where life takes you it was just me and bob saget on a saturday afternoon talking about genuinely having a conversation about how we were doing much like we talked about at the beginning of this but it was real we got

deep way too fast no comedy put me in a position where me and danny tanner are in the middle of a pandemic talking about how life is going over a Zoom meeting. Stop it. Insane. I love that. My Michael Gross thing through the same guy. Through our buddy. Through our buddy who I learned.

I took a course in meditation, like a brief thing. And he gave, you know, it's like, what do they call it? Vedic meditation. So I was practicing, you know, meditating. I was doing it like, and he said, you got to come out to my in-laws house. Cause that's where I'm going to be. No, my mom, my mom and her husband's house. That's where I'm going to be. And her husband happens to be Michael gross. All right. I'm like the dad from family ties. He's like, yeah. And he's like, yeah, but he may or may not be there. And so I was like, okay. And so, you know, I'm like sort of learning how to do it and just trying to trust myself that I can do it. And I'm in this

side room, but I see him in the kitchen and he's like making, Michael Gross is making pasta sauce. Okay. And he's on a phone call and this guy warned me. He's like, he's on a phone call about a play that he was going to do in New Orleansleans and all i'm trying to meditate and just get like calm and quiet and he's like he will say something inappropriate that's what he just said about minute and a half into my meditation i hear yeah i'll fucking do it naked that's fine i'll just i don't care like i alex p keaton's dad yeah he's making gravy talking about doing something naked full frontal nudity in a play in New Orleans. Who fucking cares?

Don't like it. That's like a challenge. See if you can meditate while one of these childhood celebrities stirs boxes. Was I able to transcend? If you can meditate during that, you can do anything. Anyway. So let's wrap this.

These two say that they have deduced that their invisible tormentor, a little strong if you ask me, is someone they both know. Yeah, because it's the other person. Perhaps someone who hates them enough to go to extreme lengths to destroy them mind, body, and soul. Who wrote this article? M. Night Shyamalan wrote it. However, in nine years of sleuthing,

neither can figure it out because one of them is doing it. Van Luggen, or whatever, then i've said his name nine different ways he's repeatedly contacted police which has gotten him no closer to the truth he continues to seek justice and promise and vengeance if this is in the right hands this would make a great comedy series oh my god quote i cannot take it anymore when i find out whoever has been bothering me for the past nine years. It will not be their best day. I love that. He's like horrible tormentor. Worst day of my life.

And when he gets down to finally confronting this person, he's like, let's just say it won't go that good. It'll be a D. So what if it's just an okay day for them? It's not their best, but it's okay. He's going to strongly say,

Dan, I have the name for the TV show, the comedy show. Leave it on the stoop. Okay. You know what? Yeah, never mind. Go, go, do it.

Yes, yes. Bring it. I was just saying, like, this is when you, like, make a change and you, you know, put a fence up and say, this is the number to get in. And it's not the right number to get in. That's correct. And the people who need to get in know. And then if the numbers found out, then you for sure know it was your friend.

You guys set a trap. That dude. Absolutely, Beth. Let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to hear what Beth Stenley has going on, including her great special, of which we saw a lot of it being performed. It's so good on HBO Max coming out August 20th. We'll be right back with

more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. As mentioned, we teased it. I can't wait for it. Beth's new one-hour stand-up special done through Team Coco, Conan O'Brien's company,

and you guys did it. Girl Daddy. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I remember the title. Girl Daddy on August 20th on HBO Max, which I just got set up on my TV. I think it's exciting

that it's on HBO Max because there is a lot of HBO Max talk happening right now in terms of people just being like, HBO Max, HBO Max, HBO Max. So I feel like

it's you're kind of it's going to be out there at the time when people are the most like aware of hbo max it's awesome i hope so yeah i i shouldn't be saying this on a podcast uh that's promoting it but i got to figure out how to get hbo max oh it's easy that's a good thing you have time you have time i think it's easy i think more and more people are doing like did you just add it to your roku or if you have a roku you can just add it add the channel and then it'll just have you subscribe or log in yeah trial yeah no i've i sort of like got out of the direct tv spectrum business and just have piecemealed my thing together and and so now i just have the things that I watch.

And that will be something that we will absolutely watch. It's great. It's fantastic. So congrats just in this day and age, getting a special made. That's a tough thing to do. You snuck it in under the wire. Oh my God.

The fact that I got it in the weekend before coronavirus shut everything down is bonkers. I think I told you guys this as I was walking off second show. When you're just like, I can't believe I did it. You know, you're just like done. I'm waving and people are kind of like waving a little as I'm walking out and a guy in the background goes like this with his elbow.

And I go, Corona? And he goes, yeah. Like, not like he had it, but maybe that he was worried. Worried about it. In Minneapolis. MSP. The was worried. Worried about it. Where did you shoot it? Minneapolis. In Minneapolis. MSP. Varsity Theater. MSP, baby.

Yeah. Varsity. I love that theater. And you did a cool thing with you lowered the stage so it wasn't so high because it is a pretty high stage, the actual stage itself, or you just kind of did it lower down, which will be you amongst the people. And in my brain, I'm assuming they shot it with like a cool tracking shot through the crowd i'm sure there's we do have some of that yeah and there's one in the crowd too i'm not

afraid of that oh i love that a little bit of an upshot yeah so i just kind of i wanted to i personally wanted to feel like people were in the crowd they did uh they met me in the middle i suppose yeah no that's awesome and i mean like said, we saw like 20 minutes of it. Such good stuff. I mean, your material is, we love you as a standup, but like, I do think this is going to be one of people's favorite hours that they see. It's just such good stuff. It's like, it could not be more right in the sweet spot of what we love. It's storytelling. It's super smart, great bits, well thought out premises that get played out over several beats. It's just wonderful. Tons of tags. We love it. Tons of tags! We snuck a tag in there. We snuck one in. I'm so happy.

We should do a trivia and people will guess which one of yours was. Okay, so here's the game. Here's the game to our Dumb People Town fans. Watch Best Special on August 20th and then tweet at the three of us and say, this is what I think the tag was. Oh, great. This is fun.

See if you can guess the Sklar tag. That is fantastic. We want to remind people, Dan Van Kirk on July 16th. July 16th at 6 p.m. L.A. time, 8 p.m. Rochelle time, I'm headlining the Nowhere Comedy Club. Tickets are 10 bucks for the first 100 people, then $15 after that.

There's also a very limited number of people who can spend a little extra money and get a meet and greet. We're going to hang after it. I'm doing all new material. It's so fun. There might be one or two winks to something from the album, but I think I'm around 40 minutes of all new stuff and a story that I've never done on quote-unquote stage before.

I will say dance. If you want to hear a lot of new stuff and hang out with me this summer, you can do it at the 16th. NowhereComedyClub.com, right in the calendar. Cool. Get your tickets.

It is a great way to support Dan and have a night out while you're at home. It's really fun. We did ours and Dan featured for us when we did ours. I did a new bit that night, so that'll be the second time. Oh man, last month we did it

and I'll say the feeling of hearing laughter because it's like it's like a 375 person zoom is essentially what it was but you realize that there are couples watching it people who are watching it together so there probably was like about five to six hundred people on this thing and so you're that's so cool it was so cool and we're listening to laughter we're pausing for laughter and allowing it to kind of roll out and just kind of chill kind of like the way we did it's the same yeah they mastered that yeah i still ben was so helpful especially just like you know helping me like just he's like just stand up and it's like makes such a it's in the job title but i've been i've been over here like you know resenting

all of it and so standing up could help yeah i think like two weeks into the pandemic i was like all right i'm gonna order a mic stand just to have one like in here to do it and then when i've done it that way it does give you some of that different feeling yeah you walk in afterwards when i do like the meet and greet thing i don't know what you guys did i'm gonna sit down and then if like i might do dumb people like if somebody has a dumb people town story, there's only going to be like 50 of us. Oh, no. I'll just goof around with it. You'll just answer questions. You'll just answer questions. It's so fun.

So if you go to eventbrite.com. Yeah, or just nowherecomedyclub.com. It's right in the calendar. So look on there and do that. And Beth, you should definitely do that. Yeah, I'm considering doing it in July. No, I'm sorry. I guess in August because I'm back on the road in September.

Yeah, you should to promote your special. I think that would be a really cool thing to do. And as for us, thanks to people who voted for us for TOL Laughs. I don't know if we've moved on. I'm not sure because this one will drop. This one drops after next one. So who knows? We'll see.

Thank you for voting for us. Cross fingers. All right, Dan, let's get to another story. Okay, you ready? I love this headline. First of all, it was sent in. You can always do that at Dan O'Vancurk. Hashtag dumb people town by La Asesina.

Asesina? La Asesina. She's great. We have to come to terms on her. Asesina. I'm also debating if I'm going to sneeze or not. So let's find out. Okay.

Asesina. Asesina. And the handle is at L-A-S-E-S-I-N-A. Assessina. There you go. Assessina. Okay. Come on, Dan.

Ready? I really am trying. Here's the headline, though. Let's get to that. That's what's fun. Quote, you know there's crocs in there, says teen bitten after jumping in river. Nope. Yes. No. No.

Yes. An Australian teenager who was bitten by a crocodile when he jumped into a river in northern Queensland on a dare is now recovering in a hospital and looking forward to a date with the British backpacker he was trying to impress. Nope.

There's so many layers. By the way, there is no woman who will watch you jump into a river full of Crocs who, when you get out is like, Oh my God, you are so hot. He seems responsible. Please. And he knew.

And they could just be ugly sandals and shoes, but like chefs wear. so to like piecemeal this out you have a teenager who wants to impress a british backpacker so he's they're in australia and he knows there's crocodiles all over in that water and you know she's like wait i have it beautiful in that backpacker sort of a way so that she's crunchy a little bit of sweat she's like she definitely hasn't shaved her legs the socks no longer but she's been carrying like a hundred pound backpack so she's like in great shape and she just has a glow of tan about her and he's like this woman is a woman that i that i would jump into a river of crocs for on a dare to impress stupid god jay

what were you gonna say this is like a parenting story that you have to show your kids like it's not worth it not worth it i mean the only way this works the only way this works is if she looks at that and she says to herself i can fix them ben it's a story about a whole nother lesson that needs to be learned do not try to fix someone yeah i'm gonna go ahead and bring a friend in again. The only way that this works is the friend gets her because he's the one who dared. She liked the croc boy better,

and so he dared him to jump in the river, hopefully to die. So this was the girl. That's some Iago shit right there. That is crazy. He knew that she liked him better, and so he invented the dare. You know what you should do? That's evil. He knew that she liked him better, and so he invented the dare. You know what you should do?

That's evil. I know. Lee DePauw, LDP, had met Sophie Patterson while drinking at, with, I don't know, that's who wrote this. Sophie Patterson sounds cute. Yep. Sophie Patterson.

Sorry. I was just going to say it. Lee and Sophie. He met her while drinking. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. After recovery. After recovery. D-I-E-I-N-G.

Okay. They met after drinking with a group of friends into the early hours of Sunday morning at a backpacker's hostel in Innisfail in northern Queensland. According to local media, Lee DePauw told Patterson that backpackers were more likely to get eaten by crocodiles than Australians. He said this the wrong way.

I agree. What he's trying to say is crocodiles are more likely to eat backpackers than they are Australians. That's right. The way he said it is it sounds like you're more likely to get eaten by a crocodile than you are to get eaten by an Australian. Right. But that also could have a double meaning. But he's also the guy who took his dare. That's also right.

Maybe Australians are not into cunnilingus. Oral sense. That's right. They don't go downtown. They don't go down under. They'll go down the river, but they won't go down under. Come on. Sklar brothers, if you'd love to say

how you feel about that I like this lady but I don't go down under that's not a tongue I was going to say vagina that's not a vagina isn't it vagina vagina

vagina okay he says Vagina Shiner Okay Nerf He says That they're more likely To get eaten by crocodiles Than Australians Should have said the word are

And was ready to back up his words So he's saying They won't eat me Because I'm Australian If you jumped into the river They would eat you more likely As though the animals are like, yeah, right. That person got a Jansport on or no?

Picky eaters. That's so funny. They just know. They just know. Accepting it. Well, most Australians are filled with a lot of alcohol. Yeah. Good for them.

Right. Accepting a dare to jump from the wharf into the crocodile infested johnstone river jesus he was grabbed almost immediately by a crocodile he's jumping in one's already peter pan style i

am picturing captain hook holding the jaws open yes that i'm just imagining like a toad just touches the water is like no i'm picturing the crocodile feeling this motherfucker are you serious come here get her get ready we're gonna eat his ass there's no way that guy jumps oh that's just like he dives into an open mouth this is a death wish it is 100 how is he okay that's what i would say to the guy if i was in this group and some idiot dared him and then he went and stood on the edge of this wharf, I would be like, hold on, Lee.

Who are you really mad at? What are you jumping from? Exactly. And who are you jumping for? Are you willing to get eaten? Think about the penis. It's there. It's edible.

It's absolutely grippable. penis it's there it's edible it's absolutely it's grippable yes yeah like if you were looking at a clump of grapes you know what i mean it would be easy to pull off the ball parts and this is the first part that's going down yeah right yeah so we need to really establish why are you not more afraid yep and who do you wish would come here and stop you yeah that's right who are you who it's a parent sophie he needed sophie and why do you hate walking i hope that too i hope that he got up on the edge of that was like sophie you can believe i'm gonna do this or she was like yeah do it and he's like probably crazy though right like yeah go ahead put something on my phone cod these are horrible friends horrible friends terrible this is where you stop him from doing this is what i always thought about like the

what's his name bam margera yeah not so much jackass because they were doing it individually but the bam margera i don't know i felt like we met him he's andrew youngblood almost got in a fight with him once but uh he whenever i would see his show they were always just kind of like screwing with each other my big takeaway was like these would be horrible friends to have yeah that was i know they love each other they got along but i was like you can never take a nap you can never leave your car unlocked like there's nothing you are constantly on guard all the time are they friends you're constantly waiting for someone to deliver you pizzas you didn't order. That's right. I do think they have to have a marginal amount of PTSD from that.

Of course. Guaranteed. Hell yes. They could never go to sleep at any time of day. None of them are using port-a-potties. No. Never. Never. Never.

None of them are putting their finger into anything. It's like, oh, here here hold your hand right here although i wouldn't do that even with friends i do love that's my issues okay so he jumps in and he was grabbed almost immediately i love that that almost like the crocodile like walked him out of the bar like come on you're out by the elbow at that point i punched it in the snout, which I almost am not in favor. I understand you want to get away, but you engaged in this.

Punched it in the snout. He said from his hospital bed in Carnes. My second hit, I got it in the eye and then it let go. Here's the problem now. He's now going to live the rest of his life with too much confidence.

Right. I beat up an alligator. I swear to God. It's Ian Edwards' old bit. Like, you are tresp confidence. Right. I beat up an alligator. I swear to God. It's Ian Edwards' old bit. Like, you are trespassing. Yeah. Yeah.

In his house. You walked, if someone walked through your, if someone walked through your living room, you have every right to just beat him with a bat. That's why I can never understand what people are like,

can you believe that shark bit me? Yeah, it's not a shark attack. He's like, that's what Ian Edwards bit. It's not a shark attack. You're trespassing in his neighborhood. It's a shark attack. So like yes i can't ian edwards bit it's not a shark attack you're trespassing in his name it's so good yeah um i was hiking up at griffith park and um a like a lady i didn't know was right behind me and i'm walking we're both on the outer edge like on the

way down so for whatever reason it's like you almost operate like traffic yeah and a snake pops up over the edge like this which you rarely see see, but it goes like that. And I go like that move and say, watch out. And she goes, ah, moves. And then as we're kind of walking together, because now we're bonded by fear. Yes. She goes, they were here first. They were here first. By the way, it tells you all you need to know about that woman.

Right. Yeah. And she wasn't like being, you know, a dick. She was like, we agree. We both agreed. We're like, yeah, absolutely. She's like, that's... We put the trail here.

Yeah. We did this. Yeah. I just love that that was her first reaction. Like, he didn't... Yeah, this isn't an affront to us. I was just love also when somebody just distills the truth down into like the fewest amount of words.

You're like, that is infallible. That's it. That's what you just said. That's it. They were here first. They were here first. Same with the That's it. They were here first. Same with the alligators. They were here first.

Yeah. DePaul suffered serious injuries to his left arm and underwent surgery at the hospital. Quote, this is Sophie Patterson. Quote, I think he's very brave to be, you know, in such high spirits after what happened. She has also said that she agreed to go on a date with Lee. No! This is the worst outcome.

This is worse than him dying by that crocodile. To now think this is a way to impress women. It's like when a heckler gets laughs. You're like, oh, don't encourage this damn shit. Don't do that. Beth, can you reach out to Sophie Patterson and set her straight? You can't fix it. And I'll say,

Sophie, don't do it i'll say sophie don't do it yes avoid this this is you jumping into an alligator's mouth literally figuratively are you gonna say it now what go ahead what you're gonna make a sophie's choice joke you were weren't you no i wasn't but i should have this is a real sophie was going to say, how funny would that be if she said, I thought it was really brave that he did this, and he showed on a dare and did that, and I'm so excited to allow him to be in the friend zone. I thought it was really brave of him to dare his friend to jump into there,

and that's why I'm going on a date with that guy. His friend! His friend's so creative to think of that challenge for him. I've never won... It's just like, what is he bringing to the table? Nothing. Nothing.

I've never won an arm. What do you take away from that? Like, oh, he would be a good dad. No. No, he'd be the worst dad. No. I've never wanted something to not work out well

in this relationship. I'm serious. Lee DePauw said of Sophie, quote, she's beautiful, caring, and kind. Asked her for an account of his own actions DePauw is under no illusions he said stupidity you know there's Crocs there he might have just redeemed himself for all of us I mean he at least he knows it but the question is how will he behave moving forward right maybe Sophie can dare him to be a better person.

I'm still thinking of the crocodile. I was like, what happened to you, Michael? The guy jumped in here, and I'm like, okay, let's eat. And then he beat the shit out of me. I know. You jumped in here, man. Why are you punching me? Why come to the party?

Crocodiles don't think people are going to fight. No. They're like, so when don't think people are going to fight. No. They're like, so when it happens, you are a little surprised. Like, I'm sure the crocodile could have kept biting him and eating him and breaking him in half and pulling him under. But he probably turned to his friends and was like, what? He's more insulted. Yes, he's appalled. Did you see what just happened?

Could you imagine the crocodiles in this river are like, hey, we got another jumper. Who's up to eat? We're fulfilling our end of the deal here. They're like, we're full of backpackers. Not Australians. Not Australians. Right. Not Australians.

Is that it? That's story number two. That's story two. Give me a little taste of a tease of what we're going to hear in the third segment. We have somebody who was mistaken for dead in the funniest way possible. Oh, my God. I cannot wait. Beth Stelling is with us.

It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound.. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Beth Stelling is with us. She's a great follow on Twitter and on Instagram. Can you tell people how they can follow you? Oh, please find me at Beth

Stelling. S-T-E-L-L-I-N-G. And then of course, August 20th. Get your HBO Max so you can watch her special and find the Sklar tag. Or save your trial membership until then. Until then, and then watch it, and then do it. Then tweet about it and tell people about it. We want to, you know, let's get the buzz machine going.

Townies, we don't say this lightly. This is one of our favorite people in the business, so please treat her the way you treat the townies. Right back at you. All right, let's jump into this last story about someone dying in the most hilarious way. Sent in by, no, being thought they were dead. Being thought they were dead in the most hilarious way.

Sent in by at Jake Groney. Thank you, Jake. Groney, Groney, Groney. I'm going to read you the headline because it's fun. Probably all we would need with this for. Nude sunbather mistaken for dead body near railway line in Essex. So not only are they naked,

not only are they mistaken for being dead, they're laying out getting some rays next to a train track. There's nothing like getting those train fumes. Now you gotta get the breeze on your hot box. You want the breeze. Don't get too close. You'll get sucked in. But like how was this?

Go ahead, Beth. No, I was going to say a tinge of exhibitionism. It is definitely. I like to wave at the cars as they come by. But how were they laying? You know how like. I don't know. The dead people just like the arm is in one area where it shouldn't be. Right.

Yeah, totally. That had to have had an issue on that. Yeah, it says here, a naked man who was sunbathing near a railway line was mistaken for a dead body by police. Concerned rail workers spotted a pair of feet, but no signs of life on the grounds of the Shafford-Hundray Railway Station, British Transport Police said.

This was the original plot of the movie Happy Feet. Or Weekend at Bernie's. Yeah, for sure. Where was I? We just saw a pair of feet. Yeah. In a tweet, BTP said, rushing to the scene, officers found a man enjoying some nude sunbathing.

Yeah. It happened as temperatures reached 77 degrees. That's how you know you're in the UK because they're like, it's too hot. We got to get the clothes degrees. That's how you know you're in the UK because they're like, it's too hot. We got to get the clothes off. It's boiling. It's 37. It's boiling more than we boil our meat.

They wouldn't have said 77. They would have been like, it's 31. 25 degrees Celsius. 25 Celsius. They also added in their tweet, please don't sunbathe nude on the railway. Chafford 100 Station sits on a single line railway between London and South End.

The man was spotted by track workers from Network Rail who called the police. And I'm sure the track workers handled this with the most care. Because track workers definitely are sensitive human beings.

Track workers are like, we stop for nude sunbathers. That's what their bumper stickers are. We champion this gentleman's ability to- Also, you don't have to get naked in public. This is a thing. This is a thing that you're doing. Should we hold for you, Dan?

All right. This is a thing that you are doing because you get off on this thing. That's what it is. Yeah. Right. This is somehow the excitement is being naked near people that could catch you being naked. And, you know, again,

I guess I must have some sort of fixation with the male genitalia, but I'm imagining him on his back, and when the train goes by, it's just like, it gets blown up. Like it's advertising a car wash. Right. I wonder if it was swift enough to blow up.

Yeah. Limp penis. So good. Doubtful. I agree, it's doubtful. But it's a fun, it makes it way more fun. And by the way, people who are nude in public, like 99% of the time, are not in great shape.

That's a fact. Nudist colonies are filled with people in great shape. And I thank them because it gives you the confidence to go home it makes you feel better and get naked with someone it doesn't give you body dysmorphia they give you the confidence they give you perspective

instead of shame nudists are here for perspective if we look at them that way it's a whole new version of how you view they're literally saying to you look at me that way, that's a whole new version of how you view it. They're literally saying to you, look at me. You can do this. That's almost like a service.

That's so nice. Like a nudist colony is like slogan. Like the something, something nudist colony. See, you're not so bad. Or the something, something nudist colony.

Do you need that other bag of ruffles? And I would say yes. We make it look okay. All right. Comes from the perspective. Yes. For Network Rail said, let me lay it bare. Oh, I love a good spokesman.

Spokesman. Here we go. They know what they're doing. The railway is not a place to sunbathe please keep away from the tracks a spokeswoman for rail operator c2c if we've learned anything about the uk they have a spokeswoman or spokesperson for everything should we let the person who's operating the track no do not let them talk there's a spokeswoman who will actually make a statement Dan am I the only one who's going to make this joke

How was his caboose I'm the only guy who's going to do that here I got one word for it Loose I picture like a very specific Butt when you said loose caboose Like a long Like a long brown

long buns. It's fallen. Brown long buns. And very soft. You know, like a pretzel hollow. Like a Tempur-Pedic pillow. And if you took a hand underneath, it would lift up for a while.

Yeah, it's definitely fallen. You could get a scoop full of it. Oh, you go a long way there before you hit a while. Yeah, it's definitely falling. You could get a scoop full of it. Oh, you go a long way there before you hit a bone. Oh my God. This is making me... Is your butt melting? A spokeswoman for rail operator C2C

Music Factory, which runs a number of services in Essex, declined to comment. So she's like, I'm not even getting involved in this. I'm not talking. But did say that there's been similar episodes of nude sunbathers in the past. Quote, it's not as uncommon as you might think. The exhibitionism of it all.

Are you ready for this? She's like, like ballet on the highway. It's not as uncommon. Well, we've heard from Network Rail. We've heard from C2C. So a BTP spokesman. Oh, thank God they're weighing in. Said that the report was made around 1300 BST on Monday in the London road of West Thurrock. So one in the afternoon, British Standard Time. Words of advice were given about the dangers of the railway.

I'm going to ask you, my three friends. You are a guest, Beth. You can go first. You can go second, which is Tig. Or you can go third. How old do you think the Sun Bay there was? They give a general age here. So I have just picked an age in that general range.

So you can't be right or wrong. It's all arbitrary anyway. I'm going to go 62. Yeah, God, I was right there with you. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say that he's 45.

But, you know, we're 48, and he looks like he's 20 years older than us. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to say 56. 56 years old. Mm-hmm. Okay.

62, 56, 45. Okay. This Ray Brower, stand by me, sunbather is, we'll get out of here on this. God, this was fun today, is 38 years old. Wow. I was close. You were close. I was in the ballpark.

The butt is a little bit tighter than we thought. A little bit tighter than we thought. Maybe. But he's going to do this for a long time. Oh, my God. This was so much fun. Beth Stelling, long time coming. And I can't wait for your special on August 20th.

HBO Max. Dan Van Kirk. Thank you guys for having me. And Dan, you're on what? The 16th? 16th. You know we're a comedy club. You know we're a comedy club.

And then watch us and vote for us. Voteth? 16th. You know we're a comedy club. You know we're a comedy club. And then watch us on and vote for us. Vote, vote, vote. Tournament of Laughs. Yeah. Let's get the Sklars to win Tournament of Laughs. Right in that damn thing. That'd be fun. And we have a daily podcast, by the way.

I want to tell them about your podcast too, Beth. We have a daily podcast called Sklabo Country, the Virus Edition, which has been gaining steam and followers and listeners. We love it. We do it every day. It's funny. It's like us, in a sense,

trying to make sense of dumb behavior during this pandemic. It's different than Dumb People Town, but it feels like a related brother to it. Nice cousin. Dan does The Good Night Show, which is fantastic. The nightly podcast that just puts you to bed and gives you something to listen to. But I...

Oh, cool. Yeah, I just talk about the most mundane, fun, pop culture stuff and give people a time to turn their brain off. I listen to it first thing in the morning. And the most mundane fun pop culture stuff and give people a time to turn their brain off and you guys are doing these every day every day it's been crazy i look at you and i'm like these are committed entertainers i mean we should be committed uh meanwhile your podcast that you do with your mom which is just so cool please tell people it's on earwolf it's called we called your mom and we we had a limited first season of six episodes. We talked to Sam Richardson's mom, Baron Vaughn's mom, Seth Rogen's mom, and a couple other moms.

Oh, Maria Bamford's mom. Oh, that's great. Those were behind the paywall, but August 11th, we're going to come out for free, and we'll have a bunch of new episodes that we're recording right now. You and your mom talked to someone else's mom. Yeah, we could call your mom. You called Annette Sklar. I know. She kind of knows me now

a little bit from the No Work Club. But either way, my mom and I would call Annette and we would just talk to her about raising you guys. Oh my god, that's so cool. Our mom sadly had a stroke but she's, I mean, like two years two years in july right yeah we were there it was august yes it was august 2018 2018 we weren't in montreal with you we was that was a year after when we were okay yeah so she but she's i think she could do it if you went into an understanding that like no complex

super complex questions but she can answer a lot of stuff she would also love it she knows what she's doing she knows what she wants to say it's like the printer cord keeps getting unplugged

from the printer so like she knows what she wants to say and she's aware of it she just sometimes can't say it the right way but that would be interesting

I can't so again we called your mom yes we called your mom alright check it out check it out and oh shit we gotta get back to work I can't. So again, we called your mom. Yes. We called your mom. All right. Check it out.

Check it out. Check it out. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunker down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunker down. It's Dumb People Town.