Dumb People Town - Beth Stelling - We're Not Morning People

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

This week Beth Stelling comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is a true-love prison break. The second story is about the worst man. Final story is next level vodka.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Stelling. That's Stelling. welcome to the show we've wanted you for a while and we have you and i'm so excited did we do a zoom one with you in the pandemic yeah oh well you were bad that's what you were angry at us no it was lovely it was fun but this is way better oh this is so much better yeah i guess it's one of those things too where like of course you want to keep in contact with people and do podcasts during the pandemic

when people ask you to but it was also every time it just felt like i don't know what does it feel like if somebody's like instead of someone asking you to a nice dinner they're like do you want to go to grab a tea i said that doing stand-up on zoom was like eating sugar-free ice cream yeah like technically you had dessert but but it didn't really feel. Or it's like, hey, do you want to eat your dinner at your house, and I'll eat my dinner at my house, and then we'll eat dinner together. And we'll be on the phone together while we do it. It's like going to a movie together, but sitting in different parts of the theater.

Like, did we go to the movie together? I think we did. See, now you're here, so we'll have a whole lot less of, no, you go. Which is the thing i hate most about zoom you go with what you were gonna say hang on a second i was gonna say something i want research done on zoom rooms television versus previous yeah there's gotta be some sort of strange graph because obviously there's tons of times when you were writing in person and you're just sitting there doing nothing for hours but they feel like they should keep you because it's a job and then

now you're like is it more productive is it better tv i mean we're zooming sometimes for just a couple hours a day that's right the show's getting written it's just getting written and i think the general public does not know right i'm curious i mean yeah think about hits this year that got written on zoom i know but i wouldn't i think that some people are going to have options or we'll just all go all the way back but i will i would always rather just be in the room. Just be in the room. Yeah. I mean, there's obviously pluses and minuses,

like slacking off is to the max. Slacking off is to the max. It hurt my neck being in a writer's room Zoom. Really? Just that constant like this? Yeah. It just really screwed up. No, but I'm still.

So that's the way. So Beth, you'll appreciate this. That's the way we describe this show because there's always like, you don't just walk. That's the thing with this writer's room Zoom is you sit down and you're like, Beth, you'll appreciate this. That's the way we describe this show because there's always like, you don't just walk. That's the thing with this writer's room Zoom is you sit down and you're like, okay, let's get started. Yeah.

Because there was- It's so focused. Writer's rooms are always like, hey, did you guys see this dumb thing? That's what the show is. 30 minutes? That's what the show is. That's what the show is.

And then eventually though, I remember like in one room I was in, like I think, well, I don't want to give away the other person who came in late because then you'll know the show. But like we in late both of us because after a while like we knew the first 30 minutes we're shooting the right so we both walked in late and then we the star yeah made us apologize in the front of the room right it was basically it reminds me it reminds me of the scene from what about bob where they're like, I'll be peace.

And he's like, I'll be quiet. You know what I mean? I made the other guy go first. That's great. And then I go, same. Same. What he said. Well, I think I said me too.

Hashtag me too. Different form. Different form. Different type of meeting all together. At the end of every of these episodes, we say, oh shit, we got to get back to work. And that's what everybody says. Oh shit, we got to get back to work. And that's what everybody says. Oh, shit, we got to get back to work.

All right, so let's jump into a story. Ready to switch it in by Discbird at Discbird1. So I love that they got Discbird as their name on Twitter, but they had to go with the one. Yeah. Well, I have to differentiate from the other Discbird. This is a story about love, guys. Ready? Here's the headline.

Woman poses as sheriff's deputy and releases boyfriend from jail. See, I love this. That is love. That is dedication. So that's enabling love, right? That is somebody who goes, somebody goes, are you going to wait for me? Are you going to wait for me when I get out? I'm not waiting for anything. I'm coming to get you. I got a plan, bitch.

Or that's someone who's so jealous that they don't even want their man. Trust him in jail. Were they from a or that's someone who's so jealous that they don't even like want their man trust him in jail I am were they from a different district where the outfit was just silly

they're like no this is I know we have terrible funding it's casual Saturday I'm just like how did they get

tricked into this a woman I think if you just said by the way do you know how to spell sheriff is it two R's or two F's

it's two F's two F's it's one R it's one R so I'm just imagining her star has like two r's or two f's two f's two f's it's one r it's one r so i'm just imagining her star has like two r's but no one knows two r's and one f's she probably came in with just like two two sheriff stars on her right over her nipple yes yes you're from the other county keep just saying names of people who sent you over there like enough people are not gonna check right she's essentially derrick and she's flat david brass sent me over there, enough people are not going to check. Right. She's essentially Fletch. Derek and Linda. David Brass sent me over here.

How? Isn't there tons of paperwork? Don't you think he told her on the phone, I've been watching. It's only going to work if you try. It's definitely not going to work if you don't. By the way, she said to him about their relationship. Sure.

It's only going to work if you try. A woman. And even then, you're 80 percent as everybody else right trying is not succeeding it's just trying trying is just putting yourself everybody else's 80 is your 10 that's right a woman from arkansas will now spend time behind bars after she posed as a california sheriff's deputy to get her boyfriend out of jail he's like babe it's either me in here alone, or both of us out, or both of us in here.

Or both of us in here. And I'd rather risk you getting in here than me. If I go in, we're going to be in the same place? No. But we'll both be in jail. Right. And there's something romantic about that. How much did he just break up

with her like two weeks after this whole thing went down after she failed he's gotta find a new sheriff's deputy I'm gonna tell you guys you know how I say

we're into role playing this is the ultimate role playing if we were writing a script about the girl from Arkansas who gets her boyfriend out of the California sheriff

does she have the best name ever it is not the name any of us would ever write Maxine Feldstein no Maxine Feldstein from Arkansas California Sheriff's. Does he have the best name ever? It is not the name any of us would ever write. Maxine Feldstein. No! Maxine Feldstein from Arkansas.

No. Maxine Feldstein sounds like any number of our grandmother's friends. Best friends. Sounds like all of them. Our mom's best friends. Like Maxine Feldstein is the woman who's like- Got a part-time job at Chico's. And she's introducing all of her friends to Canasta. That's right.

She's like, we got to learn this game. So let's do now, what is Maxine Feldstein, our mom's friend's email address? It's Max. It's never Max. Maxine, Maxine, Feldstein at me.com. It's Maxfeld167894, hashtag, g at gmail.com. Or like caa.rrr. Call me Maxie.

There's got to be a 69 in there. She's like, what? That's the year I graduated. Exactly. That's right. Maxine Feldstein has been sentenced to 15 years in prison after she pleaded guilty to forgery, third degree escape, and second degree criminal impersonation. I feel like it's first degree escape.

I know. Third degree escape. Now, I always get this wrong. So burns and murder, I never know what it is. Burns and murder go in the opposite direction. Right, right, right. So first degree burns are not bad. No, not bad.

Third degree burns is terrible. Third degree is the worst. First degree murder is the worst. Oh, wow. They're the opposite. Okay, okay. You don't want third degree burns, and you don't want to be first degree murdered.

I mean, degrees of... I love how we can't come up with anything for degrees-wise of sexual assault, and everybody's like, it's not black and white. But we have degrees of burns, degrees of murder. We have degrees of criminal impersonation. She has second degree criminal impersonation. The mustache was not good, and that's why it started right.

Your honor, look at the hat. She spelled sheriff wrong. It's a second degree. Third degree escape. I hope he was in there just for petty theft for two weeks. Now she's in for 15 years. And then he looked at his friend and goes, and that's how you end a relationship.

It's easy. Feldstein gave fake paperwork to Washington County Detention Center last July. Jailers thought the paperwork was real and released her boyfriend, Nicholas Lowe. Lowe, according to real and released her boyfriend, Nicholas Lowe. Lowe, according to court... Nick Lowe. Nick Lowe. Nick Lowe.

Nick Lowe, according to court documents, told Feldstein to pretend she was a deputy from Ventura County Sheriff's Office, KFSM, reported. He told Feldstein to tell Washington County officials California was, quote,

having issues with overcrowding and all low priority extraditions have been suspended. So she walked in and just said that sentence to them and they were like, okay. By the way, like it sounds really official. I mean, I wouldn't even know what to say. I wouldn't either. I guess she'd looked it up

oops sorry Feldstein don't you and he's like saying to her like don't say you guys in front of him you guys

you have to sound official so don't say you guys don't walk in and be like hey what's up don't say like don't say um cut the likes

cut the ums cut the ums cut the likes and you know like on the phone he's like okay practice it. Do it.

Say it to me. Say it like a hundred times over. Like, say it to people. We're having issues. I want to know how long they had out together. That's right. And what they did first. Right.

What's the first thing that these guys would do? Feldstein. Sizzler. Taco Bell. Sizzler. I said Sizzler. Taco Bell. Feldstein, who had bonded out of jail hours before.

So she was in jail. So she bonded out. Bonded out of jail hours before. So she was in jail. So she bonded out. Bonded out. Called the Washington County Jail saying that she was Ventura County Deputy L. Kershaw. That's great. Mm-hmm. Oh, so wait. Hold on.

It was a phone call? So she calls and then- That's smart. Yes. So it wasn't in person. I don't know. Dude, I like her. She's crafty.

It's an easy call. It's an easy call. Private number. That's why I'm starting to understand the degrees. Officials realized how many days later that they had been duped. How many? I'm going to, you're going to guess. You guess.

You guess. How many days do you think they got away with this for? My first instinct was 14. Okay, 14. What do you think? Six. Six? Three days.

Three? Yeah. A month. One of you is one day off. Okay. So you all get to go up or down a day to try and get exactly right. 15 days. Okay.

What did I say? Six. Six. Seven. Okay. Four. Four. Officials realized two days later.

Oh. They got it pretty quick. Pretty quick. That they had been duped when a real ventura county deputy called to pick up nick lowe so a real kershaw he's like this is coming from you again again he's gone he's gone wait two days does that mean he was just being transferred or was he about to get out in two days no he was about to be he was about to be extradited anyway but what's that mean that means ventura county he's like look babe ventura county's coming for me in a couple days so just just do it now this is what they're gonna

say in three days just speed it up he got it pregnant in those two days yeah that was two days before they found out about it yeah How long was it until they caught him? How long was it before they caught them? How long of time did they get? I wonder how far they got. What's the point of escaping anymore? You're not going to get away with it, right? You don't get to do anything fun ever again.

You would have to go somewhere not fun to get away with it. And then your face, you got to change your face. On the run? That doesn't sound fun at all. Like rural Oklahoma, then anytime you see, you got to change your face. On the run? That doesn't sound fun at all. On the run is not fun. Like rural Oklahoma, then anytime you see someone you don't know, it's like, are you coming to get me? Right, think about the, well, I don't even want to get into it, but that guy in Florida

ran off into the Everglades. Yeah, yeah. Then what? I mean, obviously people are making bad decisions. Right. How long do you think it was before they got caught? Before they got caught. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I'm going to,

I mean, I want to say two days because they sound pretty dumb. Sure. I'm going to give them six. Okay. I'm going to give them two weeks. Okay.

I'm going to give them a month. Okay. And it was like a crazy month. The best month of their lives. They just like ran up a bunch of credit card debt. One of you. Six flags. Is exactly right.

Oh, shit. Now we get to play Who do you think Is exactly right I said six right Yes you said six You gonna stick with you You can stick with you

That's fine Six I said two weeks And I said a month 30ish I think I'm right One of us is right Exactly

I'm gonna say I'm right I'm gonna say I'm right I'm right I think I'm right I'm gonna stick to my guns Stick with your guns Law enforcement Arrest arrested the couple

about a month later. Oh my gosh. What did they do? They had that time. Did they start getting reckless? They're not even looking. Let's just hang out in front of the Dave Buster. This used to be a Ryan Gosling movie.

Like right? Yes. You can make this up. It was never over. It was never over. The notebook. Face tattoo. Lars and the dumb girl. No, it was never over. It was never over. The notebook. Face tattoo. Lars and the.

No, it was like something with him and. Drive? Like there was. Oh, The Place Beyond the Pines? Yes. Yes. Jesus. An airplane movie I've started and never finished six times.

Right. I just saw Free Guy on the plane. It's fun. It's very good. Blue Valentine was Neonat. Oh, that was so sad. Oh, that movie. That's a heart rip.

That is a heart rip. Is it just heartbreaking or is it like a tragedy? Heartbreaking. Very good though. No, that was so sad. And Michelle Williams. That's a heart rip. Is it really? Is it just heartbreaking or is it like tragedy? Heartbreaking. Very good, though. No, it's sad. It's not tragedy. It's just like love sad? It's so fucking good. Yeah, relationship sad.

Well, then I'm going to watch it. Yeah, you'll like it. Why not? Lowe also pleaded guilty to third degree escape and was sentenced to one year in prison, but was given credit for 167 days served. Why is he getting so much less than her? Yeah, this is the last ceiling. This is crazy.

He will have a five-year suspended sentence once he's released by the Arkansas Department of Corrections according to KSF. By the way, he should have

fifth degree escape. I know. If that's better or worse. Is fifth degree better or worse? And he roped her into it. Fifth degree is better. Fifth degree is better? I feel like she should have

just said something like, but it was like a little fun, wasn't it? Right. That's her defense.? I feel like she should have just said something like, but it was like a little fun, wasn't it? Right. That's her defense. By the way, she should start mounting the he made me do it defense. Yes.

He made me do it. 15 years is way too much. People don't go away that long for terrible things. That's what I'm saying. It's a nonviolent crime. Who knows what he was in for? They're probably just mad they got duped. They're embarrassed.

They got duped. I mean, their only crime was being in love with each other, guys. That's story number one. Story number one. I want to know, yeah, where are they now? Are they writing each other? What's happening?

This is all we'll find out. She needs to convince him. He needs to pop her out. Yeah. That's right. Hey, we're transferring you. Bust me out when you're out. We're transferring you down to Joliet.

All right, there you go. That's first story down. We're going to find out on the other side of the break what's going on with Beth, where you can follow her, where you can check out her amazing stand-up special, HBO Max, hint, hint. And we'll be back right after this. It's Dumb People Talk. Don't go anywhere.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Talk. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Beth Stelling with us. Before we get to what she's doing, we want to remind people what we're doing. Daniel, tell people

where they can follow you. DanielVanKirk.com Digital shows that are just fun and happening until my tour starts back up. All that stuff is listed there and this should drop before the 18th. So this Saturday I will be at Largo. Rory Scovel and I are doing a show together with, I believe

Amy Mann, if I can say that. That might be slightly subject to change, but I think she's in. I'm be at Largo. Rory Scovel and I are doing a show together with, I believe, Amy Mann, if I can say that. That might be slightly subject to change, but I think she's in. I'm actually certain she's in. So she's going to do some Christmas songs, and I'm going to do some stand-up, and Rory's going to do some stand-up. That's all at Largo. It's a great place to go. All you need is a reason, and everything else is at danielvankirk.com.

That's wonderful. We just got back, as this drops, from Tempe. Those shows were amazing I'm just gonna say incredible thank you for the time machine appreciate all you Tempe people coming out for that

and then we never do New Years but we're doing New Years this year we've never done shows on not never but like it's been a while over a decade and we're going to Aurora

at the Comedy Shrine it's gonna be a party come see us let's make it a party let's make it a party a great Nate Abshire from Minneapolis who's a wonderful comedian

and a lovely person is gonna drive down and meet us there and we're gonna do shows with him it's make it a party let's make it a great Nate Abshire from Minneapolis who's a wonderful comedian and a lovely person is going to drive down and meet us there and we're going to do shows with him it's going to be a blast and then just future dates we're doing the comedy works

in Denver in the middle of January and comedy loft in DC at the beginning of February and then hilarities in March and then maybe moon tower again

if they do it in April and then the croc in Seattle in May I like and then the Croc in Seattle in May I like that place the Croc have you been there

nice okay well we haven't been it was really fun the stage is high normally I really don't like that it's the only high stage I've ever had fun really

oh really yeah crowd was good they were so good oh my god I love it people came out I mean I'm like Seattle

yeah it was so fun great I did it it was the last set I did I think no no no I did one at UCB right before I did it it was the last set I did I think no no no I did one at UCB right before I filmed but it was the last

second to last show I did before filming my special and I was like man I wish that was my special oh that feels good so they renovated the place

and we were supposed to come in November but they weren't done with the renovation so maybe they lowered the stage who knows but we're gonna do that

in the middle of May anyway superschoolhires.com and our Patreon. We're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats, Cheaper Seats. And we have a big announcement coming up. The new year for a new project that you guys are going to love. But I'm glad you mentioned your special, Beth. Tell them how to watch it because it's one of my favorite specials that I've watched in the last year.

Thank you. It's called Girl Daddy and it's on HBO Max. I'm starting to finally tour again after two years. Hey, you're right. Nice. Are people coming out who have seen, or you're going to in January? I'm going to start in January.

I'll be curious to know if this special pulls in a bunch of new fans. I bet it will. I don't know if it will, but maybe. It's a beautiful special. BestDollars.com? Yes. Minneapolis?

You shot at the Varsity Theater in Minneapolis? I did. Because of that high stage, I built a low stage in front of it. That's great. Were people all around you in that? They were up to a point. Yeah. To my, yeah.

Sides, yeah. Basically to my side. Yeah, yeah. It was cool. I liked that. Looked cool. Thank you. Great special.

Are you guys ready for a story? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Here we go. Sent in by Lenny at M-L-E-O-N-A-R-D-8. M-Lennard 8. M-Lennard 8.-N-A-R-D-8. M. Leonard 8. M. Leonard 8. Here we go.

Here we go. Headline. Man seeks to get a divorce from his new wife because he doesn't find her attractive without makeup. Oh. How? This guy. This is so weird and so stupid.

This freaking guy. A husband. For some reason, that's in all caps. He shouldn't be allowed. I think she should be able to come. Are you supposed to give an excuse? Do you need to? You're like, actually, sir, we don't need that.

We don't need you to say that. She doesn't need you to say that. So divorce proceedings between the two people, they just couldn't work it out. Actually, I have a reason. It's because of her low self-esteem. Why are you saying that? Because she looks terrible without makeup.

Even though she's not the one filing, they grant in favor of her. They're like, well, we grant your divorce. She's like, thank you. A husband has explained to a court. No, all she says after he does that whole thing is she just stands up and says, see, and then she wins.

They carry her out. Everybody carries her out on their shoulders. See? I feel like the judge would be like i'm doing this for you that's right and we've made a cake and come back to my chambers because we're gonna freaking party our dead celebrate your new life is gonna be so amazing my husband has explained to a court that he seeks to get a divorce from his new wife because he doesn't find her attractive without makeup the bizarre incident incident happened in Egypt where a man reportedly filed for divorce from his wife of how long?

Saying he was deceived about the woman's appearance. Deceived? Yeah, how long do you think they were married? Okay, well then it seems more like three months, six months or something, but I mean obviously I'm going to say 40 years. Okay. 40 years? That's great. Oh my god. That would be the greatest thing I've ever heard.

It's like buying fruit. I didn't know that after a time. She's like, I kept the makeup on for 40 fucking years. He's like, I never really looked at her. He's like, I never really got. We weren't morning people. She worked mornings. I worked nights.

I never got a good look at her. Oh, that's so funny. Where are you going to go with Jay? How long were they together? So this is not a good look at her oh that's so fun what are you gonna go with jay how long were they together so this is not a good look for egypt i'm sorry this guy is ruining it for all of you because when you think about egypt like they like they had the pyramids they had the pythagorean theorem they were like it's like the opening kickoff of life for a touchdown and then they've just been getting penalties ever since. It's like, this is not good. This is like a legal use of the hand. This is like a holding penalty.

It's a block in the back. Come on, man. I'm going to say they were together for like a year. I think three years. I think it's definitely something that's just bizarre that he didn't know. They were together for one month. Oh, you were right.

He felt that. Saying he was deceived by the woman's appearance. He told the court, I was shocked as she looks nothing like the person I met several times before marriage. He then explained that the pair met on Facebook. There's your first. There's your first thing. I don't know what's bigger than a red flag, red blanket.

Can you say like a red blanket? A red burka? Yes. They met on Facebook where the woman always posted attractive photos of herself. Does this person not understand how social media works? No. I'm just so dumb.

He's trying to do like a catfish like. I will say too, I'm not on his side. No. But when people are saying things like, well, she doesn't look anything like her photos. There is something to that as well. I agree. Because it's like, yeah, she doesn't. I i mean there's tons of comics who freaking post videos like tons of filters and they're like you look different it's like yeah because they haven't

been posting their face that's right their face isn't out there was a there was like an episode i saw once years and years ago of like the real housewives of orange county and i'm not saying anything about quality or judgment, but the woman didn't have makeup on, and I didn't think it was the same person. And then they actually did, I think part of it was like they showed her putting all the makeup on,

and I was like, oh, that's amazing what you can do. Because it really was like a painting. It was a transformation. It was art. I'm actually team ban makeup 100%. If we all have nothing, wouldn't that be nice? That'd be so great.

I would love it because we would have never had it is my point. How much do you put on makeup? When do you put on makeup in your life? I, it's typical,

that's why I emailed. I was like, is this on camera? Right. Yeah. So like, but I'll do minimal, you know,

which. Like for some stuff though, like for the special stuff, they're like, well, we're going to put makeup on. Oh yeah. I mean, I'm stuff though, like for the special stuff, they're like, well, we're going to put makeup on. Oh yeah. I mean, I'm more like.

I'm always typically like it should look like I'm not wearing it. That's just my preference. But so I, whatever. I've said it controversially before, but women are like, I just, it's for me. I'm like, no, it's fucking not, man. Or Beth, it better be. Yeah. Well.

Then it better. If you're doing it, it better be. Yeah, well. Then if you're doing it, it better be. I'm just, I get, I'm not above likes and feeling like people want to bone me. It's endorphin. It feels good. It does feel good. Of course I want to be attractive. Like, I'm not denying you of that.

It's just like if we never knew about it, though. Yes. If we never knew about it and never had it, we'd all just be like. This is who I am. This is who I am. This is who I am. That would be ideal. I'm getting older. Or I have this scar. Or we would have

new definitions of what's attractive. Yes. It's like Spinal Tap. Why don't you just make 10 louder? It can be such a costume. And you can really change your face. That's what you said, Dan. The fact that you didn't even recognize the person they were putting makeup on. I didn't think it was the same person.

One time I did shoot a thing and we had an actor show up and I met her twice. Because I met her when she came in and then she came out of makeup and I was a writer on this thing and then I met her again and I didn't realize that I had sex. Recognized that that was the same person. That's not embarrassing at all, Dan. It was very embarrassing.

I played it off in a way that I don't think she knew. I've had in-depth conversations. I think I was doing off in a way that I don't think she knew. But still. I've had in-depth conversations. I think I was doing press in Denver, like radio, with a woman who was basically, you know, she was arguing against me. She was just saying, like, no, I really do it for me. And I'm saying, but if you never had it.

By the way, that's always great for getting people out to your show. Arguing with the woman on the morning zoo. Because then you leave to go to another show, and she was like, I man, she's not funny. I mean, she might be funny, but I don't... Then that woman said, and the rest of the discussion is like, I don't know, maybe women aren't funny.

Like, shut up! She just said she doesn't like... Or they'll be like, I hope her show isn't like what she was talking about. But it makes me feel pretty too. Obviously, when I put on makeup, there's times where I've been done up, where I'm like, I look really good and pretty.

Right, yeah. I'm just arguing what if it never exists you can feel differently from me but i'm not wrong with what i'm saying yes if it didn't exist none of us would care you can say it does exist and you like it but that's not the same i also have these strong feelings for it because now every stand-up show there's a camera or a podcast or a video. So that's when I'm just like, and it is different for you and me. It is. It is. I love it when guys are like, I'm on the road and yeah,

today was great. I went, what, what a rafting, your city's so cool. And I'm like, awesome. I was anxiety rated in my hotel and had to make sure I was home an hour before the,

two hours before the show so I could put makeup on. Because they're like, well, no, you don't have to, Beth. It's like, unless I would like to field questions about my mental status.

Like I will look unwell to others. That is 100% not fair. So it's irritating. Yeah, I got you. And the photos at every show. I just miss the days in Chicago where I could just like show up on my bike in my pajamas and be like,

here are the bits. Here are my bits. No one will ever see my face. Or there has to be a, and I don't know what it is there has to be like a hairstyle that

that is a quick something that can be like this is the I'm not gonna take time or everyone gets the Susan Powder haircut

lately lately I've been saying I'm happy to be here despite what my hair is saying that's a great opening line that's a great opening line thank That's a great opening line. Thank you. Way to play off it.

I'd do it. I'd say the same thing. Here's my question. I'm not angry. I'm not angry. It's an aggressive cut. I get it, but I'm not angry.

Dan, you should be like, I'm sorry I'm a little late. It took me several hours to do my hair. I do feel bad. All I need to do stand-up is pants. It's so,

I am envious. And again, the response is always like, Beth, you don't have to, or you're pretty anyway. It's so, I am envious. And again, the response is always like, Beth, you don't have to, or you're pretty anyway. That's bullshit. I totally get what you're saying. No, no, no. I get that.

I 100% can't argue with that. Also, I just co-signed, I don't know. The makeup is for me. It's so that you're attracted to me, so that I'm prettier. Right, so it is kind of for you. Oh, it worked for this lady for a month. So, Dan, here's my question about this,

and I want to ask a question for real, and I wonder if this is going to get me in trouble for asking this question. Well, we always can edit. Based on the idea that, first of all, Islamic society, a lot of the more oppressive societies require that the only thing showing on women are their eyes.

Oh, right, right. Does this happen? I don't think Egypt is one of those. I don't think Egypt is either, but I'm saying, does it happen in other societies in the Middle East where you I don't think Egypt is one of those I don't think Egypt is either but I'm saying does it happen in other societies in the Middle East where like

you really don't know who you're marrying you really don't know if this person is a driver I mean we've experienced that to a small degree with the masks I mean I had a guy

going so hard for me when I was like he was trying to sell me a car but then also like really kept in touch and so it was like yes he wanted me to get the car

but I was already getting the car. And then it was a lot of follow up. But as, and I was being myself, so I was being funny, and I think he was obviously liking that on the test drive. And then as, because he liked me enough, as I was leaving, he was like, just so you know. And I was like, yeah! You know what I mean?

Like, because I was having fun, but yeah, I didn't see anything. And then it was too much. And it's not like he was terrible or something, I'm just saying he's ugly. It was just like zero what I mean like cause I was having fun but yeah I didn't see anything and then it was too much and it's not like he was terrible or something I'm just saying he's ugly it was just like

zero what I expected from him zero what you expected it was shocking yeah not what I expected at all here yeah we are experiencing that on some levels

I had a woman do my makeup on I think it was Rutherford Falls and I didn't recognize her like from at lunch when she pulled her mask down from far away I was like wait

I never would have guessed that was your face. That's you. That this is your chin. Again, no judgment, just zero, that was not what I was thinking. Maybe this is what's happening here. Maybe he's having his own Arab Spring. But I agree with you.

But then do they have, they're not allowed to get divorced, so that's not allowed. So you just said maybe he's having his own Arab Spring, and I've always said that Arab Spring should be a bar of soap that's only sold in the Middle East. That'd be great. Capitalize on that. Even after meeting her a number of times, he still thought she was attractive and decided to marry her.

But the problem started the morning after the wedding night when he saw his wife without any makeup for the first time. He added, I saw pictures of her on Facebook. She looks totally different when she does not wear makeup. I was deceived and I want to divorce her. What are you, 14? Like literally the way he's talking is like he doesn't know how to actually build a paragraph i saw a picture on facebook i saw a lot of things i was deceived she didn't have the make it's like slow down

slow down buddy you know he's getting louder with each sentence too yeah i mean so that's story number two friends sorry bud jesus so now what is the punishment for this guy? I feel like he gets no punishment. He gets a divorce. I was going to say, is it allowed? It's divorce. Are those the grounds? But if you are this woman, don't you feel like you kind of dodged a bullet with this guy? If he's going to be this much of an asshole.

He is showing who he is to you, in a sense, revealing his own ugliness. She could be like, yeah, I'm now seeing your ugliness for the first time. Exactly. I'm out, Ski. I want a partner. She's like, you said your favorite movies were

and they aren't. They aren't. I'm trying to think. I'm making sure this is the end of the article because it's such a weird abrupt ending. It's so odd

but it also is like I guess on some level like couldn't have you just worked it out like with her or just explained like so so to me he probably said to her whoa

like I'm wondering if there was an honest way to go about this and then to reach the same conclusion without going to court so I wonder if he was like oh my god I have to tell you something that I don't feel good about no he's mean he doesn't I was deceived by her as she used to apply heavy makeup before marriage.

She looks ugly without makeup. But after the wedding, I saw her real face without makeup. According to Egyptian media, the man told the court he tried to get used to his wife's looks, but after a month of marriage, he decided to file for divorce. You know what phrase I always trust? According to Egyptian media. Don't you marry anybody to try for a month? Yeah, yeah.

We'll give it a whirl. Give it a month. I tried hard for one month. Right. That's like working out. And then I tried for a month. It's like, all right. I see her when she wakes up.

Her hair is messy and her appearance is, she's woken up, you moron. This isn't the marvelous Ms. Maisel you said. I hope her response was like, and I walked in on him shitting. And I didn't expect that. Because he poops, I'm out. Yeah, exactly. I stand by that, actually. Yeah, well.

All right, that's the story right there, friends. Jesus Christ. I feel like something should happen to this guy. He's doing her a big favor by getting out of her life. I agree. But these things are strange. I mean, it's a joke in my special and it's true i mean i had someone say like i was more attracted to you when you were exercising and eating better

and and i when i talked about it with a couple couple friends and it was a woman did say like is there a better way you could have said it is like this or that and then i discussed like whether he and i was actually like worried about my health or not but it's like sure if i was like i don't know never getting up and and gaining 100 pounds and like something extreme that would be scary this is like a time yeah but no it was like you know 10 or 15 pounds and i was in a writer's room yeah hello just sort of like i maybe i don't know i went to can know. I went to Canada for three weeks and basically undid all the work that I did for two and a half years.

Three weeks of eating set food and I'm like, I guess I gained back all the thing that I lost at that time. It's like, it happens. It does happen, yeah. So dumb.

God damn it. Well, that's why I'm divorcing you. You're divorcing me? All right, so this podcast is over. Hey, we have one more story, Dan. This has been really fun.

I just want to let you know, you're disgusting. I had to say that. Thanks for being honest. I've got no makeup on either. Dan, give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear. Vodka. Vodka is your third story. And for Patreon fans, we're going to get into maybe some dumb behavior

or something that Beth has witnessed or been a part of. That's right. It's Dumb People Town with Beth Stelling. She's one of our faves. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel, take us home.

Ready? Yes. Guys, this was sent in by Big Fan at FYI. You rock. Love that handle. What a great handle. What a nice handle. Ready? Yes. Guys, this was sent in by Big Fan at FYI. You rock. Love that handle. What a great handle. What a nice handle. Arby's.

Like the place where Patton Oswalt goes after he wins an Emmy or Grammy or whatever it was. The place that's just a giant hat. Yes. The place that it took me until a couple years ago to realize that Arby's stands for roast beans. Yes. Same. Because it's spelled out A-R-B-Y-S.

To me, I still think it's spelled wrong. It's like the Milwaukee Brewers logo when you see it for the first time. Yeah. When you really see it. There to me, I still think it's spelled wrong. It's like the Milwaukee Brewers logo when you see it for the first time. Yeah, when you really see it. There's a B. Yes. There's a B. Gross beef.

Arby's is launching an 80-proof fry-flavored vodka. I cannot believe this. 80-proof French fry-flavored vodka. Yes. There's potato vodka. I was going to say, yeah, there is, but French fries from there, it's just B-O. Arby's. Wait, so we were in the comedy bar in Toronto just doing shows because we were up there last week.

And this woman comes into the back and she's like from this organization. I don't know what it was. It comes into the green room, like clearly didn't know. Did not belong in the green room. Sure. And she's like. By the way, so nice. Let me just say this person was super, super nice.

But also, and that was the problem is that she was so nice. If she was not nice. She's a dick. We could have easily been. Okay, okay. But she just came in your green room on purpose? She walks in with these shots. No, this is like other comics.

It's all comics are in this green room. It's a show. She comes in with like a tray of shots. This is a patron at the show. And her husband and they do a comedy festival a jewish comedy something she lays them down and she's like all right you guys are doing shots and i was like i can tell you right now you guys aren't i'm like so i said no i think we've done shots once together in vegas that's right new york when oh yeah when he did the song tequila for uh for karaoke and then you

told me repeatedly i should not have done that i was. Do you know the hotel room I have to go back to after this? I had to go back to a hotel room where my whole family, my kids were, and I'm like, I just did a shot of tequila. After drinking Molly. Dumbest thing. And I had Molly. And you had Molly? It was a fun night. She hands him out.

She's like, you guys are going to do these shots? And we're like, no, we're not. And she kept on saying. I hate people. You have to do this shot. Come on, do it. Come on. So this is what happens at shows.

I'm sure this happens. It's like the more you push it, you put something in this. So there's that. And then also, I'm sure this happens to you after a show. Come on, Beth, we're buying you a beer. Whether it's a group of women or a dude who's like, come on, I'm buying you a drink. I'm buying you a drink. And you're like, I get them for free. I get them for free from the club,'s like, come on, I'm buying you a drink. I'm gonna buy you a drink and you're like,

I get them for free. I get them for free from the club, number one. Number two, I'm like, you wanna buy something? Buy two of our things

or buy a hat, buy an album, buy this, buy that. Please, do that. That's the best way to support us

and then we can have a drink together and I'll know who made my drink. I love comedy bar but don't you wish on some level the bartenders would go,

what are all these shots for? And they'd think, oh, I wanna buy them for the comics. You'd go, don't. No, no, no. Money would go, what are all these shots for? And they'd think, oh, I want to buy them for the comics. You'd go, don't. No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.

Well, money-wise. Money-wise. Well, they're probably psyched. So then we say no. That's true. And this woman, she's like, this is my cousin. I'm like, how many people are back in this freaking group? No, no, no.

She then went out and brought her cousin in. No. And I'm like, you guys do the shots. I'm going to drink this awesome. I'm going to go sit on the toilet alone. Yeah. I'm like, you want to give me a Diet'm going to drink this awesome. I'm going to go sit on the toilet alone. Yeah. I'm like, you want to give me a Diet Coke? Great.

You should have found out where she worked. And then go into her office. Also being really loud. While the show's going on. While the show's going on. Right inside there. Find out where she works. This is a nightmare.

Go to her office on Monday. Walk in with shots. And be like, you're doing these. Dan, Dan. We have a meeting. You're at work. Dan, as she's speaking so loud, you can just see me being harsh. My head is going into my shell.

We're talking so quietly to try and cue her to go quieter. And so then- Also, these two would not let- You always feel so responsible for the energy in a space. I know that you could have let other comics deal with this. No, what we should have said is, they won't. They'll be like, no, we'll help.

What we should have said is, hey, this is the have said is, hey, this is the green room and you guys aren't allowed back here just because this is what, that's what we should have said. And by the way, that's a nice way of saying it.

Yeah. Yes. But instead, we were just like, easy, easy, easy. I know, I know. And so we said, you guys do the shots

and they each did three shots in front of us. Yes. And I'm like, and my response was, you guys aren't even making a face. She did not make a face. She did a shot and not make a face.

I was like, if I would've done that shot, I would've done it. What are you, the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark? She did not even make a freaking face. Great reference. I couldn't. I was like, I take a sip of Diet Coke, and I'm like, ew, that's strong.

We watched this woman stone face this shot and didn't seem like someone who would do that and we were like, that is impressive. Tell me you talked about that on stage. No, we didn't. We just let them go.

But I was like, they finally left. Also, there's no real green room there, right? There is. Behind the box office. There's a total green room but it goes right onto the stage. It's still like there are other comics there. So it the stage. It's in the basement. To that room.

It's narrow. It's a long closet. When they left, we had to say to everybody, we don't know these people. We didn't invite them back. We had to do this post cursor. It was like we got onto a New York subway

and gave our speech. I'm terrible at dealing with that. We, like, ladies and gentlemen, we don't know these people. I hope you also told them, like,

just so you women know, watching you each do six total shots was way better than us doing. Yeah, I was like, that was good. You do the shots, you guys. I feel like Colin Robinson. All right, well, let's roll through these. I hope you ever get to do this. Arby's Curly Fries are beloved by fans,

and now their flavor is entering the world of spirits. The fast food chain is launching two new 80-proof vodkas inspired by its iconic curly fries and newer crinkle cut variety. Yeah. The curly fry vodka is distilled with cayenne, paprika, onion and garlic. The crinkle fry vodka is a quote subtle tribute to its namesake. By the way, who's drinking shots of vodka and saying like, you know what? Not enough garlic in there.

These taste like regular fries, not crinkle fries. If you're already just doing shots of vodka, order fries. Yeah, exactly. You don't care. Dip the fries in the vodka if you're that much of an animal. I'm not getting a lot of fry in this vodka. The crinkle cut is made with real kosher salt and sugar to honor the rich tradition of salted potato shapes. Great.

Though we've mastered the art of drive-thru fries, we wanted to take it one step further by making them 80 proof, said Patrick, real name, Schwing. Stop. That's the guy, right? That's the guy at Arby's making Arby's vodka. Patrick Schwing. As Beth hits herself in the face. You know he walks in every vodka. Patrick Schwing.

Patrick Schwing. They came out of nowhere. Patrick Schwing was destined to work for Arby's and make liquor. He walks into every meeting and he's like, I would marry him just for that. Beth Swing. You're like, I wasn't planning on taking someone's name. Swing set?

Swing set? Because it is your set. No, he allows you to date other people and it's called swinging. Or swingers. Swingers. Are the swingers coming? I don't even need to marry him. My next album is Swing, Swinger. Swingers. Are the Swingers coming? I don't even need to marry him. My next album

is just Swinging. Swinging. Swinging. Swinging. He's the chief marketing officer of Arby's. Being a potato-based liquor, this is a limited edition

vodka infused with crinkle cut and curly fry flavors so Arby's fans who are of legal drinking age can responsibly enjoy our menu from bag to bottle.

Bag to bottle. Bag to bottle. Is already the Arby's menu from bag to bottle. Bag to bottle. Bag to bottle. Is already the Arby's motto. Bag to bottle. Bag and forth. Right. From bag to bottle describes a lot of people

who are in deep trouble. I love how we've mastered drive-thru fries, and now vodka. It's like Chipotle would never. Yeah, I was like, hold on, hold on. Chipotle does serve margaritas.

Let's go back to we've mastered it. What's it called? What's their meat? Carnitas vodka. Yeah, that's true, hold on, hold on. Let's go back to- Oh, it totally does serve margaritas. Let's go back to we've mastered- Yeah, but not like, what's it called? What's their meat? Carnitas vodka. Yeah, that's true. Listen, listen. Let's go back to we've mastered anything at Arby's. Yeah, that's true. Because I wouldn't even say you've mastered roast beef, and your initials are Arby's.

H. John would say the meat. He would. The company has- Here's where, guys, it turns for me a little bit. I'm like, well. The company has also partnered with celebrity chef and Arby's aficionado, Justin Sutherland, who created two signature Bloody Mary recipes using the vodka.

Now, a French fly flavored vodka in a Bloody Mary. I do feel like that could work. I was picturing nightclub shots and you're like, well, this guy's hot, but he reeks. The recipe features other Arby's menus. That's a non-starter. He smells like Arby's. Features other Arby's menus. That's a non-starter.

He smells like Arby's is the reason why you... Why did you break up with him? He smelled like Arby's. I get it. I get it. You had to break up with him. The recipes for the Bloody Mary... That's why I want a divorce.

After one month. After one month. The recipes for the French fry, vodka, bloody Mary recipes. I can do it. He's just drank it. Also feature other Arby's menu items such as horsey sauce and Arby's sauce and includes toppers like mozzarella sticks.

Horsey sauce sounds like someone jerked off a horse. I was going to say, did they make that up? It's just horseradish? It's just horseradish. Both vodkas will be available in limited quantities starting on November 18th. So you can get them now, friends. It should not taste like fries.

It should taste like Ving Rhames ball sack. And if they're like, that's what this tastes like. If you want to know what that's like, take it. Probably great. I feel like synonymous, really. With a second batch available on November 22nd, Arby's fans can purchase a bottle for how much money, including shipping and handling, at Arby'sVodka.com.

You should be able to buy it at Arby's. I want it to be $39.99, but it is $17.99. Okay. Jay, what do you think? Jason? $29.99. Okay. I think it's $59.99.

Okay. I think they're like this top shelf. I could push to $19. Okay. But I think $19.99. One of you is exactly right. Before I made the change? Yes.

$17.99. You want to stick with it? Who do you think is right? You get to play that game now. Oh, Dan. Okay, $17.99 or? $29.99. I said $59.99.

I think I'm right. $29.99. Yeah, she thinks it's me. But I want to be right, but I think it's Jay. Randy says? I think it's me. Okay. You say yourself?

I want to believe in myself. Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself but I think it's J. Randy says. I think it's me. Okay. You say yourself. I want to believe in myself. Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself. I'll tell you this. The vodka is distilled and bottled by Tatters Distilling Company, and it's available to residents 21 or older in only these states. California, Connecticut, Washington, D.C., Florida, Idaho.

I know it's not a state. Louisiana, Minnesota, Nebraska, Nevada, Oregon, West Virginia, Wyoming for a limited time. Okay. That doesn't help me because some states are doing well and some are not. I know. Okay, ready? We'll end here with a wonderful bestselling. The amount of money it'll cost you to get a fresh ride. Go watch Girl Daddy.

Go watch Girl Daddy. It's the best special you've seen in a long time. If it comes out the 18th, I have Monica Martin, who's a brilliant singer and my friend. We're doing two shows together in Davenport, Iowa and Madison, Wisconsin the 18th and the 21st of December. Nice. Go see her, you guys. Music and comedy.

Shit, go do that. Ready? Yes. The cost is $59.99. Oh, wow! I knew this was a high class venture. I can't believe Arby's believes in themselves that much. I have to get my life together. They're like an Egyptian husband. They're giving themselves way too much credit.

Too much confidence. That's the Egyptian husband had Arby's level confidence. And we have Arby's level confidence in Beth Stanley. Thank you so much for joining us today. We love you. Love having you on the show. And Daniel, love you too, buddy. And our fans, we love you guys.

As we're hurtling into the holidays, we're trying to sort of get all. So you have content going through the entire holidays. That's what we want to do. We'll be here for you. We're trying to sort of get all so you have content going through the entire holidays that's we want to do we're gonna make it happen for your when you have to walk around the neighborhood because you can't deal with your family anymore we'll be there for you and oh shit we got to get back to work Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb