Dumb People Town - Big Jay Oakerson - Cookie Punchin'

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

Big Jay Oakerson stops by as Jason describes the worst way to react to sold out flights at the airport, Daniel explains why a grandma wanted a penis-shaped headstone on her grave, and Randy recounts the story of a man who held his family hostage and threatened them with Coldplay lyrics, and so much more!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida, there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Members, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, bunker down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey, Daddies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town.

Population U. Population Oakerson. Big Jason Oakerson. What the fuck? What's going on guys formal man this is a long time coming yeah i can't believe you're on the show i'm so we're here you know there are people in this business who i feel like if we all lived in new york we would be hanging out a lot more but when we see you at a festival that make that feels like okay i'm here it started this is our time to get we have such great times like you are the reason one of the main reasons why when i go to moon tower you and all of our new york people who we come together there dan is it and we're gonna be back in a month we met at a festival we met at um the conan pop-up shows at comic-con

on san diego yeah that was like 2018 or 17 or something. Yeah, that was my, yeah, maybe 17 maybe, but that was the funniest. It took me years to ever try like a bird or scootering again because I think I just got a bunk one, but how it felt, like I was in that populated street going down to the- Yeah, yeah.

You're not supposed to ride them on cobblestone, bro. It wasn't cobblestone. It was regular flat road. And I gave it a few pushes and pushed the button, and it just wasn't going. When I put both my feet on it, it wasn't going. And then I would take one of my feet off, and it would start to go.

Just take off. And I would be like. You're like, I'm losing teeth. I'm losing teeth. And I was so embarrassed that I thought I was too heavy for the scooter that I just regular scootered it the whole way down. Profuse sweat when I got there.

Yeah, of course. There's also some resistance there. Who's that guy with a razor? I mean, he's really pushing. I was like, no, no, I prefer it this way. I'm not too fat for it to work. It's definitely, I prefer it like this. This is a workout for me.

I'm getting my steps in. Well, I love that because you feel stupid. And in this world, seeing that, if we were to see that, we're like, all right, this is a workout i'm getting my steps in well i love that because you feel stupid and in this world seeing that if we were to see that we're like all right this is this is a dumb thing the world's getting dumber and that's really what this show is about it's like we get great stories sent to us by our fans and the four of us just break them down jay's got the first story let's jump into and then we'll find out and let everybody know what's going on with you okay tell stories and all that stuff all right sent in by kyle andrews at late night nachos we love this dude here's the role here jay you go wherever you want with this story all right

here we go if it reminds you of a story you hit it if you want to just make a joke do that if you have questions we're here for what we can pose as answers sure man angry about sold out flights carjacked multiple vehicles police say i mean wait hold on so man can i say this and it's also true for the movie falling down it's never about the flight it's never about the flight he was angry about sold out flights it's not about the breakfast not being served it's about the girl that was straw for sure yeah definitely sure yeah what they're all sold out why don't they add more so he's mad that there's sold out flights so he decided he did the only thing he could do car jacks several cars several cars i mean that's several first multiple vehicles well i assume he had to get somewhere he's not gonna stop and fill up a car right so as soon as it's getting down i gotta go but he's also going

through some sort of like a goldilocks complex where each one doesn't feel right this one's too cold this one's too this one's a little foreign for my taste. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a GM guy. You know, when I steal, I steal America. I want to support American workers. All right, let's get into that. A Colorado man became angry after ticket agents at the Salt Lake City International Airport told him he couldn't buy same-day plane ticket to Denver.

Hold on. If you're at the airport buying a ticket, something is big time wrong. Is that a bad? I've never bought a flight at an airport. Not once. Oh, I have in a thing where all flights were canceled. You had to walk over.

You had no choice. And it seems crazy to do. You seem like you want to pay all cash for it. Back to a time, though, that was a joke that wasn't over anyone's head. Remember the movie Airplane? That was the idea that you go to buy a flight. I'll have one ticket.

Smoking or not smoking. Smoking, please. It's a great joke. Even in Meet the Parents, when he's got to buy the ticket, there's that great scene with Callie Rocco where she just is typing forever. I always give credit to those jokes. I love that movie when I was a kid.

Oh, really? Slapstick. And then the adult jokes I didn't catch. Oh, all of them. When I was younger. And the best one is, do you have anything light? She goes, you want a magazine?

It's really light to read. She goes, I have this leaflet, famous Jewish sports legend. And I just didn't get the. How much was it? And she hands it and it's leaflet, Famous Jewish Sports Legends. And I just didn't get the... How much was it? There's three jokes in that. Even the word leaflet. How about this leaflet on Famous Jewish Sports Legends?

Leaflet is a great comedy word. Leaflet is a great word. So it makes it so small. But you're at the airport, you're behind this guy in line, and you're like, oh, this dude's going to start carjacking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to tell you how old he is uh but he was under the influence of drugs surprise always good to buy plane tickets i gotta get out of here man there's a plane that is a uh at the airport plane ticket purchase yeah state though you get drugs how fucked up was jeff well

he went to the airport one or another he was getting arrested that day so i mean uh at uh our festival skank fest yeah last year chris o'connor it was a hilarious comic took molly and left the festival went to the airport bought a ticket to denver uh went and went to like the woods and the next day like uh everyone's like where is he his set is it 7 15 it was funny he posted like a picture from the like the woods in a stream somewhere in denver or colorado and he goes location is anybody where the main stage and you see the location that's some good stuff okay i mean really he thought it was like and he said when he got there he was like why the hell did I do this?

I had to see some mountains or something. Yeah, there you go. Hilarious. All right. So this guy, how many cars did he carjack? And then how many more did he try and steal? Okay. So he storms out.

Right. Carjack. How many cars? I think Jay is right. A lot of the airport. If you're in a car, Jack, the airport, a lot of standing cars that are on. You have people like dealing with things in the back, saying goodbye. I mean, do you exactly, as they're wheeling with the trunk open, you just take off?

Yeah. Because the car's still running at that point. You find a big buck girl wearing some juicy sweatpants, making out with a guy before she leaves. Take off. Take off. Kiss a little longer. I'm going to take your eyes off. A lesbian saying goodbye.

You hop in that Subaru Outback. For sure. Go, go, go. But they never say goodbye. All right, Dan, come on. All right, how many. Do you know that old joke? I love it.

I have a friend who's a lesbian. She taught me. This is one of the first jokes I heard. When I moved to LA, it was my first job. That's what I mean. She said, what? Lesbians bring flowers on a first date and a U-Haul on the second. That's right.

And I was like, oh, I never, my Rochelle, Illinois life. I had never heard this. You're being enlightened. There you go, Dan. You're understanding. All right. So how many cars did he try and carjack? I think he tried to jack seven cars and then he stole,

he wound up stealing three. And when you say jack, it's like he gunpoint, like took over someone's car and then a couple of these stole that were at him. Or pulled it from them. Where was his destination he was trying to get to? He was trying to get to Colorado. He was at the Salt Lake City airport.

Salt Lake City, Colorado. A couple of hours. I'll say two carjackings, one steal. Why do I feel like in Salt Lake City a lot of people are like, you can have it. I'm going to go three and one. Three and one. Okay.

I said seven for three. Seven for three. One of you has one of them right. I'm just going to tell you. Oh, okay. He carjacked two cars and tried to steal two more. Oh. Two and two.

Chuck Woolery style. I know. Then he hit several vehicles in salt lake and summit counties before he was taken into custody uh so he hit he hit and damaged oh yeah not just stealing cars he hit other cars this guy's name john joseph thomas green jingleheimer schmidt his name is my name too what to say it again john joseph thomas green his name is my name too. Say it again. John Joseph Thomas Green. His name is my name too. You know what I've noticed in town?

Whenever I go out, the people choose to shout. Yeah. John Joseph Thomas Green. He was butchered. I noticed that too. Whenever I go out, the people are always going to shout. I'm calling out a foursome for golf.

I know. Who's coming? John, Joseph, Thomas, and Green. His parents gave him every basic name. Well, they were hoping he would be himself a law firm. Each name needed a car. Yeah, right, Dan. Two jackings.

Two jackings for John and Joseph. Two for Thomas and Green. All right. So he was booked in the Summit County Jail for investigation of aggravated robbery, DUI, aggravated assault, assault, threat of violence, driving a stolen vehicle, reckless driving, failure to remain on the scene of an accident, and other potential charges. This is what I'm saying. They couldn't have given this guy an exit row?

Like, overbook it. Overbook it and get someone to bump somebody i'm gonna tell that story again do the uh the time to kill where you go now picture he's white all right the wild morning began at five a.m when salt lake city police received information about a i'm gonna we'll tell you what guest's age at the end who became combative at the airport man combative i mean there are a lot of people that get angry at the airport. Police reported that the airport like makes people angry. Sometimes when the TSA.

Larger women. The TSA just screams at you as though you've been there before. No, the TSA screams at you in a way that like you're like, oh, you're at the end. You know everyone there who's at the end of their shift. They yell at you sometimes like you're diffusing a bomb. Don't put the thing. Grab the tray. Keys up.

Get the tray. I'm only going to tell you one more time. Do not put the water in. In New York, though, they've also figured out they look like video hoes. So they're yelling at you, and they've got corset waists and these crazy. Like a red fair? Don't push it forward. You know, there's nasty.

Right. I also hate the new ones. is a very for this abuse all of our frequent flyers and comics yeah the new ones where you have to wait for the bin to come to you down the conveyor belt grab that bin and you see your bin and then you have to wait for the next one and meanwhile your first bin is gone yeah and now you're standing there like well can i keep my items to you no well this is like the end of a john wick movie you're like grab the bin he's falling down get the guy with the cane i don't like it even tsa and clear all that's still too intense there is moments where you're like for all this i'd rather just leave the airport yes and carjack two cars because that's on my time by the way carjack my way back to colorado is a

song that john denver wishes he would have yeah yeah uh police really know it's in the balls in your court reported that the man had been angry after a flight got canceled but they clarified later friday that he did not actually have an existing flight reservation and was unable to obtain a ticket and became upset. So this is my question. Do you think, and I don't know if this thing answers it. Do you think he was combative and getting upset? And then they're like,

Oh, we're not letting this guy on a plane. They didn't let him pass a ticket encounter. Right. I think he was so drunk. He showed up on the wrong day. Yes. And so he's like,

my flight's not here. And they're like, you aren't on a flight. Right. Right. Cause he said it was, he thought it was canceled, which means he didn't see it on the board. And the he's like my flight's not here and they're like you aren't on a flight right right because he said it was he thought it was canceled which means he didn't see it on the board and the airport's like once he left the doors were like all right he's no longer our problem that's the wilds problem thank god we got rid of that we won't be hearing about that guy anymore

but then that guy is off our radar he's done he'll be fine as as officers were heading the scene they learned that the passenger had actually left the area, had carjacked someone at the airport. Yep. Green left the area with a stolen vehicle, crashed into another vehicle near the intersection of 900 West, let's put this on the walking tour, and 200, 2100 South, according to Weisberg. I love that it's 900 West. We're like, we're not even going to finish this street.

Nope. Just West. 900 West. 2100 South, according to Weisberg. The man then made a U-turn and allegedly crashed into a second car. Yeah. Green then tried to steal an SUV and the female

driver who was wearing her seatbelt pushed the man away and told him to get away from her as he tried to pull her from the seat. He gave up so she fought him off like a bear. And won. Yeah. Literally, that's the cocaine bear. You fight that thing off and you move forward.

Jesus. He gave up and took another car that he had taken. He took the car that he had taken to the airport. Then he got on the freeway towards Salt Lake, where he hit another vehicle and nearly crashed into a building at 2860 Southwest Temple. This guy is going on a spree. Yeah, the plan wouldn't have been awful if he knew how to drive.

So that might be it. Had he just carjacked a car and just gone to Colorado? I thought he was changing cars for like gas or something. Or to avoid the police. Hey, we got a southbound, this one. He would smash into something. He would just demolition Derby until it was over. He'd Allen Iverson the car. I'm done with it now. Let's just get another one. Just a drunk idiot. He would smash into something. He would just demolition Derby until it was over.

He'd Allen Iverson the car. I'm done with it now. Let's just get another one. You obviously Ubered there, right? Because he doesn't have his car. I would Uber. I would Uber. Green then drove the Dodge Durango East on I-80 and is accused of causing how many crashes?

Oh, wow. In addition to the one we did? This is on I-80. Yeah, this is on I-80. Three. I think seven. I'm going back. My gut was going this is on I-80. Three. I think seven. I'm going to say seven. I'll go eight.

You go seven. I'll go eight. Five. Wow. Five crashes. There you go. That's eight for the day. It doesn't sound like that.

That's eight. Oh, five? Three people were taken. We'll add the couple beforehand. I thought there was like seven or eight. Oh, these people are completely out of line. Yeah, this guy's not doing that much. Why is this news?

This, after the stolen vehicle was disabled in the fifth crash, the man tried to carjack more vehicles on the eastbound side of traffic, Roden said, but he was unsuccessful in those efforts. Yeah, so cars are coming. There's a guy in the street waving you down. No, no, no. The man then got into the westbound lanes and started throwing rocks, hitting a truck.

Yeah. This guy is going all out. This guy is doing. This is what I would describe as, I guess, the meth decathlon. People aren't injured or hurt. Yeah, he lives a day for sure. Yeah. There really should be like, if you put like a bubbly little montage tune over it, it looks

like a fun thing. It does feel like. Fucking rocks a train. I cited it earlier. It does feel like the reboot, like this year's falling down. Yeah. Like this is this first show. I mean, I would put. Do, do, do, do reboot, like this year's falling down. Yeah. Like this is this first show. I mean, I would put do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Yeah. Chucking things, smashing cars. You see him hit like a fire plug and he's like. So he's throwing. Probably should have got my license before I decided to become a carjacker. He tries to carjack the woman and she pushes him away. And as she's driving away, he's like. Or this does feel like...

He's got the car, and she goes, it's in neutral. She points, he puts it in drive, and she goes... Is this a new Grand Theft Auto? It's a bad one. How many points would he get in Grand Theft Auto? He'd be up to... He's a four stars.

Yeah, exactly. You'd be up to four stars. Okay. Helicopters. The driver of the truck stopped, obviously, when he threw a rock at his windshield. Yeah, because the driver of the truck was like, I'm going to go get this guy. What else has this guy done today? Sure.

Yeah, this guy's clearly throwing rocks at passing cars. Yeah, he'll be fine. I'll sort this shit out. Approached him. I mean, the amount of speed that that guy's probably on. Yeah. He's like, I have so much speed cursing through my veins. I'm going to take it out.

Two guys fighting with Red Bull wings. Yeah. It's like, I just. Red Bull gives you fists. This is a commercial. It's two truckers in the air fighting with holographic wings. Just like four feet off the ground because they're enormous. And then arm wrestling for custody of their kid. That's right.

Turn it over to top. Oh, damn, that movie rules. It does. Just an arm wrestling contest for custody of a child. I mean, that should hold up in court, right? Yeah, for sure. This guy, Green, approached this trucker and guy driving the truck and said that he was going to kill the driver. Thank you.

The suspect got into a physical altercation with the driver because, you know, when someone says, I'm going to kill you, the next thing you do is start fighting. Let's get into it. And then proceeded to enter the pickup through the driver's door. Roden said the owner removed the keys from the ignition, which prevented the man from taking it. Two Summit County

Sheriff deputies arrived and pulled Green from the pickup and safely took him into custody at about what time? Translation stepped on his head. This is all 1 p.m. 1 p.m.? Yep. So it started at 5 a.m.? It started at 5 a.m.

Oh, it started at 5? Oh. What time is this happening? 8 a.m. 8 a.m. for Dan? This is on for three hours. What do you got? 10?

10 a.m.? I was going to say 9. I was right there in the middle. 6, 15 a.m. Wow. This guy has done more before you wake up than the Army. We do more before you, before. The flight hasn't left yet. He can still make it.

What if he carjacked that and went straight back to the airport? He's like, I need to get on this flight. He should have done the commando and tried to climb up the wheel. By the way, what if this is like the one half of the greatest rom-com ever?

He's like, by any way, I'm going to get to the girl. She's on this flight. She's on the flight. I met her. I'm destined to be there. She's going to go study abroad, but I have to tell her I love her. When we first met, we hated each other. And then it took about 80 minutes for us to love each other.

Miss, get the fuck out of your car. I got a girl to go see. I love her. It does kind of change everything. I'll murder you if you don't get out of your car. I got a girl to go see. I love her. It does kind of change everything. I'll murder you if you don't get out of your car. If you don't give me this Ford Explorer. Why are you throwing rocks at his windshield? Because I love her.

I will kill you or die of a broken heart. The deputy reported the male informed him that he was under the influence of PCP, cocaine, and methamphetamine. Sure. That's a cocktail. That's called something. That's the trifecta. You know what I mean? Like baby slapping or something weird. Baby slap. Cookie punching.

This guy was straight up cookie punching. Oh, did you say meth coconut? Yeah, that's cookie punching. Meth, cocaine, PCP, yeah. That's at least a car jack. Green, who deputies said has a Colorado driver's license, was taken to Park City Medical Center before he was booked into jail. While at the hospital, a trooper reported that Green was talking to himself incoherently. Sure.

He had delayed motor functions and had a 1,000-yard stare. Green had difficulty following simple instructions and struggled to answer basic questions according to the affidavit. Now we will guess. But he was TSA pre. He was TSA pre and clear. His eyes would have done it. All right.

So his thousand yard stare would have gotten him through clear. Exactly. You can stare right in there. How old is John Joseph Thomas Green? And it will help us. JJTG? JJTG. JJTG.

He did more by 6, 15 a.m. than I think we've all done in our lives. I'm thinking it's either early end of 20s or late 40s, early 50s. So go with something. Just grab a number and it's yours. 24. 24. Oh, I like that. I'm going to go 26.

26 for Daniel. I'll go the other side. I think he's 57. Whoa. Yeah. Get your answers in, townies. I mean, he's at the end of a meth head's life. Or the beginning.

Or the beginning of the next chapter. Get your answers in, shout at your ham radios, whatever you're listening to this on. Come back from the break. John Joseph Thomas Green, who was eating a cookie punch. He did a cookie punch, and then he did a whole lot of other things. He carjacked and threw rocks at cars. He was on everything but the bagel.

He was 20 years old. bagel. He was. 20 years old. You were very close. You know you're crazy. You know you're crazy. He's not looking at the future or he realizes this is my last shot.

This is life. All right, there you go. Story number one, Down in the Brooks. Big J.O. Crescent is with us. He's got podcasts. He's got all kinds of things that you need to find out about and just talk about all that on the other side of the break this is dumb people town don't go anywhere hey guys welcome back to the show uh before we get into how you can support big jay okerson and you should um we want to remind people i'm not sure exactly when this is dropped i'm not

sure when this is going to drop either so it it may have, it may drop after we were at Moon Tower. And what a wonderful Moon Tower we had with you. It was the best. We did the living wake of Big Jay Oakerson. We only had to carjack two people. Only two people. So who knows? Maybe this will happen before. If we wanted to, this

could happen before Moon Tower. Come see the living wake of Big Jay Oakerson. Come see the living wake of Big Jayay augustine which is going to be amazing it's really one of the coolest shows ever and i'm so happy for for someone who has so many people who love him so much and i'm sure people tell you this all the time but to be able to sit there and hear your friends outpour the love for you it's a really beautiful it's a beautiful idea we've watched all the ones that you guys have done we've been a part of them yeah they've been amazing you guys did the odin kirk one and the Chris Redd one.

They were just beautiful. It's a cool thing. It's a really cool thing. I think Chris Redd said he cried. He did. And he came into it going, I don't know why we're doing this. And then by the end of it, he cried. He's like, I was overcome by emotion.

We're pitching it as a show. And he said at the end, he's like, comedy needs this show. And I was like, well, that's going in the sizzle. Yeah, that's it. We're going to do a Dumb People Town, too. We've got Dulce Sloan, who is fantastic. Natalie. Natalie Palomides.

It's going to be so much fun. We're doing Tag It, which is such a fun show where our friends go up and do stand up. And then we are on the side, like writing jokes and pitches to pitch to them. So we're doing that. And a great list of people are doing Dana Gould's doing that. I mean, there's so many fun. Great. It's a super fun show.

And then we're doing the comedy jam every night. So every night so every night the jam very excited uh all right so all that happening i was explaining to somebody last night at the comedy store the the constant callback oh of a centerfold so good you know other songs we're gonna crack out some new ones this time it's gonna be really fun too uh yeah i two, three, four. So much fun. We're going to crack out some new ones this time. It's going to be really fun too. Yeah. I just love it so much.

Again, it's like pure fun hanging with your friends, doing a comedy festival that people love. That's an Austin third week. And then third week of May, Randy and I are going to be in Minneapolis at the Acme comedy club, which we love. So right.

Love that. And that's super scholars.com. Daniel van Kirk. Yeah. The week after moon tower, I'm headlining in Denver. we love so right love that uh and uh that's superschoolers.com danielvankirk.com yeah the week after moon tower i'm headlining in denver and then uh i should have some dates in june and july everything's up at danielvankirk.com and then my show here in town every other monday with irene too that is over at the cat's crawl you can go to danielvankirk.com alright Jay people can catch obviously they listen to Bonfire on Sirius Radio now with Robert Kelly yeah

Dan Soder went on he wants to go try some other stuff so that's a great pairing too I love me some Robert Kelly yeah like stepped in and it's yeah it's perfect perfect yeah he's so fun that's great that's a great and then do you have dates this spring I'm all over the place and doing Bert Kreischer's whole tour i'm on the road myself but

uh april 5th uh is my special dog belly's coming out so it's out right now yeah uh self-produced so great please check it out so comment you guys this is one of our favorite comics easily like one of the best one of the most present easily like one of the best one of the most present comics yeah one of the best in the moment comics we've ever worked with and ever seen support this guy watch his special leave you know positive comments and whatnot and share it share it with a friend send a link this is how guys like this who we love get to make more of these things and when it does really well like a guy like Sam or real special did like, boom,

it goes to another place. So it was funny. Ari Shafir, uh, his was great. Executive produced it. I used basically his crew that he lined up and he was so, so helpful.

And you know, he, his thing for like the Venmo and pay, you know, the donation, but especially as like a heartfelt, like, you know, this is my life's work. And I and pay, you know, the donation button, when you put the special, it has like a heartfelt, like, you know, this is my life's work. And I put like, you know, half my life savings into this and blah, blah, blah, you know,

give back so we can continue to do things like this. That's right. Absolutely. And I said, and Ari's like, yeah, you got to put it up there. And I'm like, it's so like, not my personality. But I was just like, okay, I'll put it up and I'm going to go. I think this is tacky, but Ari said I have to. I think it's tacky. And then by the way, if it makes a bunch of money, I'll be like, nice.

Well, so, so, so what? Everything's up on the YouTube channel. It's on your YouTube channel. Big J. Oakerson. Big J. Oakerson. You should just subscribe to that channel.

Watch this special, as we said. And if you feel like, hey, I just watched entertainment and I'm going to donate a little cash, do that. Do it.

It's cheesy. It means so much to the comics like us who are trying to do it on our own. So, all right, Dog Belly. That's it. All right, I love it.

All right, Dan, let's jump in this. You ready? Yeah, let's do it. This was sent in by Gromsky at Mike Movie Snob. I think this is the into ready yeah this was sent in by gromsky at mike movie snob i think there's a first time for this person sending it so our fans send them in they just tweet at us which is really the best way to do it and it's hashtag dumb people town tweeted

at sclar brothers at daniel kirk we have a backlog right we have we're we are so backlogged i just put like six nude stories in the document in the big document and we're not even through like the middle of november yet i should also say if this is coming out shortly after your special has premiered and before we're all at moon tower it is it is we will have a greenlee for the live oh that's phenomenal which is like this dude in florida who he doesn't do anymore but he would write the craziest non sequiturs in his news coverage. Like he explained what pants were. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what a hand is.

Yeah. Like a hand. How many years is it just his story? No, no, this is just a news reporter, a crime reporter. Out of Florida who writes the story. So he stopped doing it, but I found some backlog ones, so we'll have one for him. We have a greenie.

Hey, is this coming out on the 11th? Oh, awesome. You're supposed to just come out. Okay, so 11th 11th so his specialist came out tomorrow night on the 12th at the comedy store in the belly room we're doing a tagging yeah and i'm on it and this and we have all this stuff now and on the this weekend on the 14th i'll be in houston doing the the would you rather comedy show with andrew youngblo, let's jump into this. Ready? Here's the headline.

Grandma's dying wish was a giant dick on her grave. What? It's exactly what you think it is. Do you put like a cardboard cutout of Dick Van Patten? Mexico City. Before her death, grandmother Katrina Orduna Perezerez had one final wish a giant put a statue put a dick on it like portland on the top of her grave so she was like a perpetual bachelorette party i don't understand a dickhead stone her family unveiled the completed monument mounted on her tomb at a cemetery in mexico this past weekend as quote a recognition of her love and joy for life so

this is like one of those requests that after someone dies you're like they're never gonna know this is where you start believing in nihilism wait you're saying you don't lady that's the next thing we're gonna get into but you don't you're saying you don't have to do it because they'll never know but if you go to the cemetery i mean we've gone to the cemetery for our fathers you know where it is generally or if you're looking for somebody you haven't found before where's her great son parking now look when you see the huge dick well hang on a second is it circumcised but no now everyone yes everyone around her can use the dick as a beacon we're three over from the giant dick. We're still in the shadow of it. And the dick can serve as a sundial.

So when the sundial, what time is it? Where's the shadow? Check the sun off the dick. 3.15-ish. How old do you guys think she is? What grandma? What age do you think this grandma was like, hey, when I go? Also, don't you feel like you.

45. Love it. You have to. I'm right. You have to get her on camera or in writing because no one's going to believe you. No, no, no. She wants this. I say 61.

61. What do you think? Nana, you're going to have to throw that down in writing. They're going to say. Or at least draw a sketch. Especially with us. They'd be like real nice jay if you're doing a bit we're doing a bit and uh throw the date because they would

look at you and be like we're doing a bit for grandma's funeral that's how we're gonna that's how we're gonna treat this so don't people at their funerals like sometimes it's like a gag will like as soon as you start talking about me press this button and there'll be a tape player and it'll be my voice and sure hey guys i'm still still in here they're like we had a we did a story once of a guy someone has done something like that this hologram jason me and tupac hanging out uh no but that is to me this is like a lasting final joke practical joke so i'm gonna say she was 70 years old. Because I think old people now are resembling young, like 70 years old, sounds old, but, you know. A few years older than Rich Voss. Yeah.

That's right. And that's something he would do. Oh, totally. Put a dick on Bonnie McFarlane's grave. This grandma was 99 years old. Oh! I love her. She can do whatever she wants.

See, this changes it for me. 99, you can do whatever you want. This is it. You want a dick on your grave? 99, you can do it. She's got 99 years and a dick ain't one. That's right. I'd have to guess this is a dementia plan that she just...

That everyone endorsed? The people around her just didn't fully understand. Sure, sure. Maybe Cialis is paying for her funeral. If I do this... A fully... Her grandson told Vice World News, quote,

she wanted to break the paradigm of everything Mexican where things are sometimes hidden because of not having an open mind. She was always very avant-garde, very forward-thinking about things. So, Everything is Mexican is my favorite song from the Lego movie, right? Everything is Mexican, everything is cool when the dick's on your grave. Wait. Donna Cotta, as she's lovingly known throughout the small town of Mislanta.

More like Donna Cocka. There you go. In the eastern state of Veracruz, had a particular affinity for penises and what she believed they represented. She always said in the Mexican sense they were vergas. V-E-R-G-A-S. Vergas. Vergas. Said her grandson, Alvaro Moda Lamont.

Hey, she's like, and then her grandson is like, hey, grandma, don't talk about me in the same sentence as a dick. There are a few words in Mexican slang. 87. He's at least. If you told me that. At least 45. There are a few words in Mexican slang as dynamic as verga,

which is perhaps best translated in English as cock due to its general use as profanity. Depending on how it's phrased, verga can be a brutal insult. So she's just like this awesome, dirty old lady who lives. I love her. This is where. I love her.

So it can be a brutal insult. What if she becomes the new symbol of the Legion of Skanks? Telling her flag over. This is. This is. It's Archie Morrison grave. She's your Evita. No, she's your sister for Loyola.

Sister Jean. Sister Jean. Yeah, she's your sister Jean. She's the Legion of Skank. People are like, why are you guys selling shirts with an old woman next to a huge penis? She's a visionary. She's our patron saint. In death, she did what we all wanted in life.

As you walk by that gravestone going to your family's grave, there's a slight nod of like, that chick gets it. She gets it. She puts a nasty bitch in obituary. Virga can be a brutal insult telling someone to go fuck themselves right i will try this veta a la verga or it can be a compliment a badge of honor that if something is verga it's cool or badass so that's what i guess she leaned in on yeah exactly one way or another i think it's leaned down on. Donna Cotta backed up into. Donna Cotta instilled the message to her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren that

they were Virgas and could accomplish whatever they wanted. What if she's just telling all her family to go fuck themselves and they're like, you love us because we're badasses? What's the size of this thing? I'm going to show you the photo. I can't wait. Coming out of the ground they could accomplish whatever they wanted especially the women in a country steeped in

machismo said her grandson many members of the family went on to wide-ranging careers that's great moto limon recalled how his grandmother saw life with great optimism and that problems shouldn't overwhelm us okay conceptualized that idea to the family one thing and with the metaphor of a penis meaning you're a virga or one should not give up when problems arose you needed to face them head on there's so many so many yeah exactly i don't think there are any of them are on purpose i mean just one eye keep one eye open and always be prepared to grow on logistical level, it's got to be too big to fuck. Oh, no. Oh, you mean so that people won't come to the grave and sit on it?

No, it's got to be enormous. Yeah. I mean, to me, it should be big enough. It's got to be big enough that if you do get inside you, you earned it. You earned it. Number one. And number two, it should be. If you get it inside of you.

I'm going to show you this one. It should be big enough that you could play a ring toss with it just as a game by the grave. Yes, it should be something. Oh my god. Damn, that is a monument. I did not expect it to be color correct. And I did not expect it to be like full marble. It is a monument.

The poor guy's got to drag it. He's like, there's no other way to drag it. Or he gets to. It's the only way it fits on the dolly, bro. Or he wants to. I'll take this one. You guys want me to drag the giant wiener over? It goes full to the base. I mean, it is.

It's flared at the end. Yeah, they didn't even say they forgot to leave out there's also balls. It is so anatomically correct. It's got a vein to it. I don't know why I pictured it being more like an end table. You know when you get the oak tree end tables? I feel like that. Like a super thick, ridiculously

almost artistic. I didn't realize it was going to be a giant pink wiener. To me, if Playboy ever had a SkyMall, I feel like that would be it. It's like the Sasquatch statue. Yeah, you put it in your backyard. Brookstone.

Brookstone thrown together. Look at a Rob Gronkowski back massager and a cock gravestone. And put this on your grave. Get the 28-foot cake. Oh, God. I got to run it out. I know. Oh, shit.

I forgot I bought my mom a cock gravestone. Over the years, Donna Cotta had, if I'm saying anything wrong, I'm trying, had told her family and people around her town that when she died she wanted her tomb adorned with a penis so her grandson thought it was just grandma being grandma bold spunky and playful as always he didn't think she was serious spunky is a word i don't know but i i do believe this like jay and i saw mel brooks speak at like a screening of blazing saddles in Denver. And he was funny.

We met him afterwards and we talked to him. He was funny. He was on it. He was 94 years old when this happened. There's a couple of years ago. He, I believe his mischievousness, his edginess,

but that allowed him to live and live in that way. So I believe that this woman's spunkiness or whatever you want to call it, like the fact that she has an edge to her, I believe that is what caused her to live. I think she was a happy lady for her to lay that joke out. I love this. Like seeing how huge it is. I think it is hysterical.

Before she died, her grandson asked her like, was she serious about this long series right quote she told me that it was her desire that no one would forget her and that everything we loved about her would be remembered more easily after donna kata's death we talked as a family and decided to make her dream come true well it took a while to put the process in motion i mean it's definitely something that like you bring your kids to the gravesite kids get off the balls. Get the kids off the balls. Stop climbing on the shaft, guys.

Come on. We have to go put stones on it and grass out of respect. Put two stones on each stone. Just stick the flowers right in. Stick it in the taint. Stick the flowers. I will say it's too big to have sex with for sure. For sure. say it's too big to have sex with for sure for sure but it's not too big for everyone who goes

past that to maybe fire up a drone and do a lay down with your legs on either side exactly yes the overhead oh no there are several pictures taken with this the grandson called a local engineer in town who builds plastic products like water tanks and children's play sets and asked if he was up to the task to ask first, I thought it was a joke, said the engineer behind the statue, because it's not very common to see these kinds of sculptures or monuments, and even less so in the memory of someone who's deceased. After he told them several times that he was serious,

he got to work and it took nearly a month and a team of 12 people, including a carpenter, a sander, and a sculptor, and a carver to build the statue is this a story of jesus i'm five and a half feet tall and weighs anybody want to guess how much that thing how much do you think it weighs oh this is a cool four or five hundred pounds okay oh yeah i think 800 pounds i'm gonna say 2 000 pounds it weighs 600 pounds yeah there you go uh they got particularly delayed on the ball sack. Here we go.

When the first attempt was disfigured. Hey, that's just how God made it. I mean, hey, sometimes balls are disfigured. And they had to start the process again. Okay, your balls are so great. Exactly. What balls are perfect? Not everybody's happy about the statue.

Of every 10 people, I think around seven see it positively. And if they don't see it as a good thing, they at least respect her wishes. There's others who in their conservative values are closed-minded, very square, who see it poorly. That's a fascinating number. Seven out of 10. I thought that would be, and the other three people respect the wishes. I thought it was going to be two out of 10 when I thought it was hilarious. And one person only, who was more more hilarious went, yeah, leave it.

Leave it. Right. Seven are like, get this thing out of here. Right. I think the grounds. Seven are going, I love it. That's right. Yeah.

Now you dug graves, Stan, in your life. I did. I used to dig graves, yeah. I would assume that someone at the cemetery has like a giant raincoat and you got to put it on if like enough people are complaining. If like there's a funeral happening nearby.

Or two people walk into the cemetery and are like, who's that dick? That cemetery, there was not a lot of like big monuments. I mean, you know.

You put a jacket and a hat on it and it goes like somebody's grieving over a grave. Boy, he's standing really erect. Some people would do goofy.

He's got goofy inscriptions and stuff. But that's it uh that's story number two god damn oh i know oh yeah this is this is the grandma by the way she's loving life guys i love her look at that hat that hat is like hey look at her smile yeah she was a dirty old lady until the day she died yeah bury me with a big dick i love everything about her all right randy gonna tease us a little bit on story three? Okay. So this story that we're going to do in story three is a silly story that gets treated deadly

serious and gets resolved in the silliest of ways. That is happening after the break. Big Jay Oakerson is with us. His new special Dog Belly is out on YouTube. He put it out. Go watch it. Go support it. This is how we support independent comics.

Do it. We'll be right back after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more. Don't people town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show.

Take us home. I'm going to take you guys home. This final story was sent to us by Jade at JD Baby 12. That's a new person, too. Yeah. J-A-D-I-E B-A-B-Y 12. All right. Again, like I said, just to recap,

silly story that gets treated deadly seriously then gets resolved in the silliest of ways. Here we go. Here's the headline. Florida man who allegedly threatened family with Coldplay lyrics ends standoff after SWAT promises him pizza. So it starts with the threat of I'm going to use, I'm going to threaten you with coldplay lyrics

and then the SWAT team comes what's the threat there i mean have you listened to coldplay recently i'm gonna threat that i'm gonna sing yellow over and over again by the way i just read an article dan an article came across my feed recently that says this is a this is a news article that chris martin no longer eats dinner i'm like why is this fucking news that too chris martin no longer eats dinner that's news by the way that was reported on i went to go see what took some mushrooms went to go see coldplay with christine and josh adam iers yeah yes and we had a it was it's so good i'm sure it was i mean i'm sure they give you a bracelet and you're part like

oh yeah it lights up and but it's also like on a program where it's like it makes like you're part of like designs it's not just lighting up in different colors like you're sitting here people will make a heart like it knows if you're in that area you're part of like a heart oh my god and people were it was a perfect thing to be on mushrooms because it's all laughably so lame yeah hindsight yes but there was the people that were dancing on these one dance floors were making kinetic energy for the stadium to run. The thing's powered by people on bikes. You can go ride the exercise bike for a while that's powering the stage. As soon as you leave, you're like, what was I?

Did someone ghost me in there? That's not my scene. When I was in there, I mean, I couldn't have been more. You loved it. I loved hearing that. And everybody walks out with a vagina-scented candle. Just as a Anyway. We're trying to move these things. I got a whole basement full of these.

We can't put anything else in the goop offices. Bitch makes pussy candles then leaves. Alright. A Florida man accused of threatening his family by texting them Coldplay lyrics. in the goop offices. Bitch makes pussy candles and leaves. All right. A Florida man accused of threatening his family by texting them Coldplay lyrics.

I mean, this is like, this is it. And warning them of retribution from his Nazi prison associates. By the way, I didn't realize there was a Nazi Coldplay.

A Nazi Coldplay connection. I don't think there is. Now there is. Now there is. Listen, Adolph, I'm going to shooter over the lyrics first and see if that does the trick. If not, I might need to bring A Nazi Coldplay connection. I don't think there is. Now there is. Now there is. Listen, Adolf, I'm going to shoot her over the lyrics first and see if that does the trick. If not, I might need to bring in the muscle. Well, the one thing about the Nazis and Coldplay,

very obsessed with clocks. All right. I mean, Chris Martin would definitely be on a teenage Hitler poster in his room. Yeah, exactly. I could see him with a Nazi. Anyway, he was persuaded by police to end the standoff in return for and we've talked about this all the time a fresh slice of pizza one slice one slice so jay's friend stopped my friend was a cop my friend's friend was a cop and i was at a birthday party for like kids and i just like started

talking to this dude because that's who you want to check out. I want to hear every story. Right. He's like, if you took away my gun and my taser and replaced the trunk of my car. Just filled it up with. Filled it up with snack-sized bags of Doritos. He's like, I could solve everything. I could solve every crime in the city.

This guy's got a knife, and he's like, hey, man, why don't I take that, and I'll give you. Let me give you this bag of Doritos. Give me the knife. You take these Doritos, and he's like, hey man, why don't I take that and I'll give you... Let me give you this bag of Doritos. Give me the knife. You take these Doritos and we'll sit down and we'll talk about it. He's like,

we've diffused... He's like, it works every time. He's like, I'm waiting for it not to work. It works every time. Guy's got a broken glass,

like broke the top of a bottle. He's threatening people with it. Hey man, here, take this. I'll take that. You don't even tell him... It's a commercial.

What do you got Jay... We're wasting a lot of money on Jay Leno. I know. Take these Doritos. I'm like, does it work with Cool Ranch even tell them. It's a commercial. What do you got Jay, wasting a lot of money on Jay Leno on it? I know. Take these Doritos. I'm like, does it work with Cool Ranch? He's like, it might. But he's like, I might.

He's the original Doritos. You gotta go original Doritos. People see it. It's more complex. It's Cool Ranch and salsa. He goes, I know. I know. I know.

I'm sorry. Look, you want me to trust you? You gotta trust me. Yeah. He goes, I'm telling you. This is the way they put this in your mouth. And the cop goes, right, right. Now you tell me that's not worth putting that gun down for.

Let's talk about who hurt you as a child. She was going to leave anyway. Take another bite of that thing. Evan Charles McLemore. That's this guy's name. A phenomenal name. If you told me that was the rapper's name. His whole name was Evan Charles.

Evan Charles Macklemore. Until you said that, I wasn't sure it wasn't. I'm like, okay. You see? Macklemore's back in the future. You see Macklemore? Under the belief that his SWAT team negotiators were ready to hand him one of America's favorite foods, so they didn't.

They said, we're going to give it to you. And they lied about the pizza. It's in the back of this car. Bend your head down and put your hands around the back so you can eat the pizza. It's in the back of this car. Bend your head down and put your hands behind the back so you can eat this pizza. Usually you've got to eat no hands. It's a challenge. Hands behind your back.

Put your face down. You're going to be on Food Network. Was taken into custody Tuesday following a how long of a confrontation at a Pensacola home? How long was the confrontation? Six hours. Six hours? What do you think, Jay?

Ten hours. What's the running time of a cold. How long was the competition? Six hours. Six hours? What do you think, Jay? Ten hours. What's the running time? Big Jay. I'm going to call Russia blood to the head. I'm going to call it... What are we running so far? Six, ten. Six and ten.

I'm going to say... I'm going to go last four. Okay. One of you is exactly right. Oh, it's six. So now we get to play the game. Do you think that you're right or do you want to hop to another? So he's staying where he is.

I'm staying. Are you going to stay where you are? I'm going to go to 10. You're going to go to 10. Get your answers in. Okay. Because he was taken in custody Tuesday following a four-hour conversation. Oh, dude!

You had it, dude! Never underestimate the power of pizza with flavored crust. All right. Easy. With flavored crust. All right. Easy. With flavored crust. It should all be flavored. Garlic? Yeah, I think you should take away.

If you're trying to use it as bargaining pizza, you got to go bare bones. Tops, pepperoni. Tops. At the most. Sausage. Not even a sausage. You can't be messing around. I wouldn't even go mushrooms. No,'t be messing around. I wouldn't even go

mushrooms. I love mushrooms. Mushrooms would be the thing that would probably be the difference between me giving the gut or not. You can't negotiate with mushrooms. You can start an argument with mushrooms. You can't finish one with mushrooms. Pepperoni is not going to be a thing, but you just get

a phenomenal cheese slice. You could solve world hunger. All right, so listen. Literally. The Pensacola Police Department wrote on Facebook, of course, because that's where they do all their best comedy writing, while adding officers, quote, cannot comment on the rumors about pineapple being on said pizza.

Operational security and all that. So now they're doing comedy. They're doing bits. They're doing bits. Great. It was not immediately clear if responding officers even gave Macklemore the slice. If you have a negotiation and you send a pizza in with pineapple

and I like pineapple on a pizza. You go. That's a fuck you. That's like saying we don't even, we're not even trying. You didn't want pizza, did you? Right. Pineapple and anchovy are two that you've made a serious decision. If you put both of those on there. Exactly. You're making a call for someone without asking. You want to storm the house. If you put both of those on there, you're making a call

for someone without asking. You want to storm the house. If you do that, you're hoping to storm. We're coming in with bullets and shields next. That's like when you go... I used to order half anchovy pizza. And you're like, it's all. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

It's permeated. It's gotten everywhere. The smell is all over it. So the person who orders that pizza is the person who's like i'll order for the table and you're like whoa i see things in here that i like too yeah i don't trust you to get the things that you're ordering for you i love calamari goes you don't want that hang on a second yeah but they did deliver so this is the they didn't deliver if they delivered in the slice but they did deliver him. So this is the, they didn't deliver him, they delivered him the slice, but they did deliver him charges of resisting an officer without violence and aggravated stalking, according to the Pensacola News Journal.

Newspaper said the incident unfolded after police initially responded to a call about a possible battery and reportedly learned Macklemore had barricaded himself inside of a room in his home, probably listening to Coldplay. Suspect added that he had called out that he had a gun to his head. He was not going back to prison no matter what it took. After numerous attempts to lure Macklemore out of the room, a proven unsuccessful SWAT was called in and they deployed the big guns, the promise of pizza.

Prior to the arrest, he wanted for police for aggravated stalking. This is what they said. It's just, he's a bad guy. But they got him. He definitely in jail, though, saying to people, he goes, it's like, you know, he was yelling to them, like, yo, is that pizza cone? It's just like a little slit in the thing. What are you in for? My family wouldn't text me back.

So Macklemore's family eventually cut off communications, but not before he sent one text with the Coldplay lyrics. Do you want to guess what the lyric was? Guess the lyric. You might be more apt. Can you give the song? I mean, it's fair. You get the song.

We can figure out which. Well, I mean. Is it a hit? Is Fix You a hit? I don't know. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

We'll try. That's all I know, though. Cut to you at the concert. Do you right now want to try to fix you? Cut to Jay at the concert crying while they're playing Fix You. That's part of it. I'll tell you, train doing Drops of Jupiter. Come on, man.

Grandma just passed, though, and that happened. So let me say, if Coldplay is smart, they will read this article, and the next time you go to a Coldplay concert, when they're playing Fix You, giant shape of pizza. Also very appropriate song for this guy. All the wristbands get you pizza, because nothing is going to fix you. Here's the lyric. I think they should lean super into it like this is like how black sabbath and judas priest got in trouble yeah so they start playing fix you

have like upside down crosses going through pentagrams all right so it said lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and i will try and fix you the lyrics from the song fix you meant to be uplifting it's unclear how mclemore may have meant them of course this is not going to make sense he's barricading himself in his house i would i would call this a very cold play by this guy that's what i said uh police records say macklemore has served an 18 month prison term for battery of a person over the age of 55 65 his bond he's a terrible guy his bond has been set at what what is his bond and we'll get out of here on this fuck that's a lot yeah what do you think it's thirty thousand dollars what do you think jay big jay the bail yeah that's uh what are the charges one more time it's i mean it's battery for a person somebody over 65 threatening people all that. Yeah. No use of gold play.

10. Four hours. Four hours. Four hours. Yeah, copyright infringement. Yeah. That's right. Texting without permission.

This guy's going to be jammed up with Dua Lipa in court. Trying to beat them charges. No, it just sounds. It's an interpolation. It's an interpolation. You want me? I'll go 50. 50K?

What do you think, Jay? $25,000. Okay. Get your answers in townies because, and we'll end it on this. Big Jay Oakerson. Dog belly. Name of the special. Watch it right now.

Watch it right now. If you're watching this on YouTube, you are one click away. And we'll see you guys in Moon Tower for the, if this drops, we'll see you for the wake of Big Jay Oakerson, the living wake of Big Jay Oakerson. I can't wait. Get ready. Austin, Texas is going to be great. Goddamn comedy jam. Every night we'll see you for the wake of Big Jokers, the living wake of Big Jokers. I can't wait. Get ready. Austin, Texas is going to be great. Goddamn comedy jam.

Every night we'll be hanging. His bond has been set at $100,000. They're not letting this guy out. That's the way it is. We all went low. We all went low. I started thinking about the hostage thing. If they're bringing out SWAT.

You got to pay for that. I'm so wrapped up in that Coldplay joke. I blame myself. Exactly. And there you go. When we go low, he goes cold.

He goes cold. All right, there you go. That is the show, you guys. We love you. Thanks for listening to the show. Thanks for supporting us. Thank you for having me. And thank you, Big J.

We love you. And oh shit, we gotta get back to work.