Dumb People Town - Bill Burr - Don't Throw Rocks At Gators

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

Comedian, actor, and director Bill Burr (also co-founder of ATC) stops by as Jason explains why a vampire dad is injecting himself with his teenaged son's blood to stay young, Daniel describes a Florida man that lost an arm to an alligator, and Randy warns against breastfeeding from your mother on your wedding day, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Better Help and GoodChop! Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month. Go to GOODCHOP.com/DPT120 and use code DPT120 to get $120 off across your first 4 boxes! 

Dan and Randy J will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk We sweat the music, wish the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Hunker Down is Dump People Town

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Ooh, I'm so excited today. We're sponsored by Good Shop. If you don't know who they are, Good Shop offers fully customizable boxes of high-quality meat and seafood delivered to your door on your schedule. Go to goodshop.com slash dpt 120 use the code dpt 120 to get 120 off across your first four boxes that's amazing that's code dpt 120 at goodchop.com slash dpt 120 for 120 off goodchop.com slash dpt 120 code dpt Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Burr.

Bill Burr, welcome to the show. Welcome to the show, Bill Burr. Born and raised. Born and raised. All right, so I want to ask you this. Born and raised. Refreshingly. Okay, so.

Refreshingly dumb. Admittedly. Right. Dumb. I don't know if I buy that. I want to ask you two questions. I don't buy that you're dumb or that you came from a dumb. I think that, I don't know. Dumb. I don't know if I buy that. I want to ask you two questions. I don't buy that you're dumb or that you came from a dumb. I think that, I don't know.

I disagree. You're disagreeing with my life experience? Yes. I think it's, there's smart. What happens to a man when he gets horn-rimmed glasses? He just becomes an intruder. He just starts knowing stuff. Yeah.

Intruder. I just start knowing shit. I don't know anything. Takes him off and talks. I think it's fair to not want to give yourself too much credit, but I'm giving you more credit. All right. I think you may have come from some stupid circumstances.

Listen, I will tell you this. You want to put me in a bar? A little bit. You put me in a bar, I'm one of the smarter guys in there. Sure. But when you really look at the entire people designing bridges that trucks go over, and they don't fall on people we're not like that level of intelligence where'd you grow up uh suburbs of boston i grew up north shore and then

south shore mainly okay uh canton mass and yeah like sports and yeah giving each other some time there wasn't a lot of summer there wasn't a lot of pursuing not a lot of geometry right so let me ask you this was a lot of throwing snowballs at cars. Yeah. Off bridges. Yeah, one of those fucking sneakers. And you're just ball breaking. Let's drive over that, which is not a great idea.

Knock around, guys, as Club Soda Kenny says. Right, knock around. Star of the upcoming action movie, Soda. Yeah, that's right. I saw that. I had a buddy that just liked to go to overpasses. And just throw shit off it. Yeah, paint. going by dude you kill somebody doing that yeah he would he would just pour the paint i was like i'm not going with you also like he invited me like three

times ago no did you want to come with me there was a deal kids out in the country would go steal stop signs and it would it caused accidents they would just i go do you not they're there for a reason you fucking this is fun for you yeah no but like that one you cause like a fender bender but the uh paint or the over like there was always somebody who thought it'd be funny to drop a rock and then they would kill somebody they don't understand like this is coming down they're going 70 yeah and the rock is this big do you think their face do you think the world's getting dumber or it's just we're at the same level and we just have more access to how dumb everybody is right now? Both.

Both? Both. Dumb people, we have an unbelievable platform through podcasting. Thank you. To attract more dumb people. And what makes somebody dumb, I feel, is the way you process information I think a lot of people right now want like they

gravitate towards what they want to hear rather than what is makes sense if you don't like it if you don't like it you can just avoid it you just don't ever yeah if it doesn't fit with what you feel like so I don't like anything so I just I don't avoid all of it no information one of my favorite bits of yours I saw you do we were doing a show at the whiskey this is years ago

and it was the bit where you were like everybody says oh these fucking kids with their peanut allergies and then they come in and then you go you know what when we were 12 kids just died and nobody knew why yeah we just they just died for no reason we just thought oh yeah where'd timmy go he's not here anymore he died yesterday they figured out it was the fucking peanuts and we've always had this shit that was my bit you did it it was at the whiskey it was a josh adam meyers show the whiskey yeah it was one it was somewhere with the goddamn comedy jam but it was okay because i don't think it was maybe it was the roxy the rock wherever he used to do it on sunset but that bit was so you did it's the viper room and it was the Roxy? The Roxy. Wherever he used to do it on Sunset Drift. But that bit was so...

It was the Viper Room and it was Louis C.K. What was my song? It was a bald red-headed guy. It was the Viper Room and it was River Phoenix. Because you did Working Man after that. And then... Working Man? Yeah, that song, the fucking Working Man blues or whatever it is.

You wore a wig. That was not me. Was it Andrew Santino? I'm just going to name all the redheads. Now, Andrew's a... Actually, it was Bobby Lee. All right, I have a I'm just going to name all the redheads. Andrew's a friend. Actually, it was Bobby Lee. I have a story. Can I get into one of the stories? You never did a bit about peanut allergies?

No. I swear to God you did. Go ahead. First of all, he doesn't believe my childhood. You're telling me I'm doing material I don't do. I'm going to call Josh. Is this dumb people or uninformed? It's uninformed. We've gone half the facts. All right. Here this dumb people or uninformed? It's uninformed. We go on half the facts.

All right. Okay. Here's a story sent in by Derek, the legendary daddy. Vampire dad. Thanks, Derek. This is the headline. Vampire dad, I'm injecting myself with the blood of my teenage son to keep me young. I'm on a mission to never get old.

Is that real? I don't know. Wouldn't you try it once? You want to hear about this guy wait like a transfusion shit that's what he thinks yes this is dumb i'm sorry putting his a real vampire wouldn't be dumb enough to tweet that out right thank you or making a story multi-millionaire brian johnson i think he asked for that of acdc that's what i asked yeah all right no but this is it does he say make sure you put it in front of him? Put in that I'm a multimillionaire.

Put that in front of him. Don't just put my name. Multimillionaire Brian Johnson is attempting to slow down the aging process through a series of bizarre blood transfusions. That's a little bit of both. He put it out there that they were there, and then the journalist was like, ooh, people hate rich people. That's right, multimillionaire.

We got to put it in there. This fucking Hollywood celebrity eating placentas. The blood of his children. I'm not going to tell you how old is it. We'll guess later. He's a tech mogul known for pumping millions of pounds a year. So I think this was written in England into treatments that he hopes will regain his youth. Johnson has previously received blood transfusions from healthy, anonymous donors.

I don't know if I'd take blood from someone I don't know. This also doesn't work. Yeah. Oh, you're just swapping out your blood. If you figured out a way to not die, you're wrong. You wouldn't be the one to fucking figure it out. He's not going to trial and error his way through. This is like when someone tells you, like, oh, did you hear about Obama?

I read on Facebook. And it's like, if that was real, Facebook is not the way you would have found this out. Right. The New England Journal of Medicine. If you think this is going to keep you young, you can't figure it out. The guy's goal oriented. He's made his millions and now he's taking on the ultimate opponent.

Aging. Time. Aging. Time. It's just like, I made. Tom Brady versus time. Right. I made my money.

Now he's picking it up where Tom Brady left off. And LeBron James. LeBron James said, I have a lot more in the tank. He's just like, I made. Tom Brady versus Tom. Right. I made my money. He was picking it up where Tom Brady left off. And LeBron James. LeBron James said, I have a lot more in the tank. He's 30. I can't believe he's 39 years old. That is insane. The pictures of Tom Brady is like when he just came out to like now. He looks younger now.

Now he has money. He didn't have money when he was in college. He's like eating bad food. No nutritionist. Hot pockets. But when you look at Kareem at like 38, he looked like Kareem at 38. Like a broken giant science teacher. A broken.

That was not going to give you the D minus. Right. You were going to summer school. You were. He was going to fucking make you work for all of us. A stickler. He had those safety goggles on his whole fucking career. Like, I'm sorry. are we doing experiments today?

Oh, we're not. You're just wearing these. Okay, thanks a lot. But all of that stuff, your entire life, you were surrounded by cigarette smoke. Yeah. That's how all those people look so much older. I know.

I bet Kareem smoked. And now Kareem has cigarettes. Don't watch Maestro. Like, I couldn't believe, like, I think, what's his face? What the fuck's the guy's name? Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper.

Like, he probably got throat cancer playing that part. Because he smoked so much during the movie. It was unreal. Yeah. Dude, he was, like, literally exhaling in the other actor's face. I'm just like, they are committed to this time period. I mean, go back and look at a 40-year-old, a picture of 40-year-old Sparky Anderson. Like, or your dad at your age.

Yeah. That's just 30 years older. Yeah. No, that's when you used to go sunbathing. You had the aluminum foil. Just sit there. Not going to tanning bed at all. You put baby oil on.

Just cook. Yeah, you fucking slow cooked yourself. Low and slow. You wrinkled it. All right. Well, now he's taking a drastic step of recruiting his how old son and this is the kid's name talmadge is how old or is how old like he's a how old i'm gonna have you get how old is the son that he's recruiting uh 17 years old because you still have influence on him first of all he has to be a virgin or this blood's not

gonna work thank you that's what i always say at our meetings. He's an overbearing father. I like, you know, if I'm trying to live forever, I'm not going higher than 15. 15? Okay. 15. He doesn't have a license yet. If he had a license, he could drive away.

He would drive away from family. He would drive out of the issue. I'm going to go, the kid is 22. Oh, shit. And this is how he justifies giving the kid whatever he wants. This is how you get your inheritance. You do this to me. He doesn't have to say the inheritance.

He holds it over. And the guy's like, okay, fine. I'll pay for your condo. One of you is exactly right. Whoa, shit, really? So this is like the way you name him. He said 15, 17, 22. So now let's pay.

Who do we think is exactly right? I'm sticking with myself. I'm going to stick with myself. All right, get your answers in. This kid was 17 years old. Well done, Randy. All right, get your answers in. This kid was 17 years old. Well done, Randy. All right, the process sees... And you know what?

I blame him. Right? You can drive out as agency, but kids today in their... After older than 16 don't want to drive. So I bet this kid doesn't even have a license. Here's one for you. If you're 17 and you haven't had a fist fight

with your dad yet, you're never going to. You're never going to. That's it. No, because there's a small window where you're young enough but old enough and he's still young enough that if you hit him you don't feel bad right but by the time you're 21 you're like i can't i can't hit this guy he's an old guy did you eat any of you this doesn't apply to me did any of you ever father left early yeah yeah 10 months old we tried to i tried to have a fist fight with him did any of you ever try to fight your dad i mean we're stand-up comedians i mean we did it we fought

each other we fought mine wasn't around i didn't we had a fistfight as adults in a cab after a comedy set you got a fistfight in a cab in a cab after a comedy in new york in new york as it was driving through central park the guy needed the fare because he needed to make his medallion and he got so mad he pulled over to Central Park and let us out. You got to get out. So get the fuck out of my cab. Who won? Neither of us. Because we fight. We would fight in a way

where neither of us would win. No face shots? No face shots but just a lot of punching until we got tired. Here's the thing. If one of you managed the other, you definitely would have gone for the face. But I feel like you both knew where you had something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They got to do this. It's like mutually assured. How old were you when you tried to fight your dad? I never said I tried to fight my dad. You just said we're all comics. Yeah, yeah. Well, that wasn't that enough for you?

I'm not getting involved in that shit. I'm not fucking, I mean, Jesus Christ. At 17, were you afraid of your dad? I mean, your dad is obviously depicted to, no, you weren you afraid of your dad i mean your dad is obviously no you weren't afraid of your dad no this 17 year old is doing what his dad said i wanted to murder my dad by the time i was eight right but your your plans as an eight-year-old are a little different than when you're 17 you're not giving him your blood uh this is it the process sees

each participant having a liter of their blood removed a liter that's a lot of fucking blood two liter bottle of soda is what this yeah a liter of your blood uh i'll tell you this guy has his wife in line man right she's not sticking up for the kid at all she's gone he definitely has all his back hang on a second did you say multi-billionaire this guy has his second wife in line okay removedved and converted into parts via a high-tech machine. They don't say what it is. The blood is split into liquid plasma, red blood cells, and white blood cells, and platelets. It is then injected into Mr. Johnson's veins where he hopes it will rejuvenate.

This is all a hope. He doesn't know. And repair his own blood. What's the science behind it? So he's basically Kobe, but cheap. Right. He doesn't want to pay for it to spin the platelets. So he fucking harvests his own kid.

He's harvesting his own kid. He's got a blood boy. Hey, well, you know what? I mean, back in the day, you had a bunch of kids, not because you loved them. It's because you needed help on the farm. That's right. Now it's just changed. He's re-peased.

This is the evolution of that. The American tycoon, they're calling him a tycoon, has also recruited his dad, Richard, who old how old is this dude's dad so he's got a 17 year old kid 17 year old kid so he's probably 57 his dad's 81 his dad's 77 yeah um he's probably looking at his dad like wow my dad's gonna die at some point let me get blood. Let me get some of that blood. Just can't finish a sentence with this fucking guy. He must have loved Maestro, the way they all talked over each other. I didn't see it yet. I loved the movie.

I loved it. I'm a sports guy, and I watched it, and I fucking loved it. It was amazing. I'm going to say he's 87. He is 70 years old. He had him join in the tri-generational blood product exchange. So he wants from his dad, too? Yeah. He donated a liter of his blood to Richard.

I guess he's trying to help him. No, he's paying all their rent. So they just have to do what he fucking says. That's it. That's it. He took to Instagram to document the bizarre process, of course. He wrote, my son, father, and I completed the world's first multi-generational plasma.

This is just to get likes. I feel like. He's bored. He's bored. You're either doing this or you're going to see the fucking Titanic. He now has a team of more than 30 doctors and regenerative health experts managing his intense routine. I mean, you have to put multimillionaire at the front of it because you're like, oh, these

are all the people around him are like, yeah should he's like I'm gonna just start getting my son's blood yeah do it he aims great idea this is a biotech entrepreneur aims to have all 78 of his major organs functioning as if you were in his late teens multi-millionaire is like a law and order credit to rich people like they don't risk multi-millionaire. Come on. Talk to me when there's a B. What is a multi-millionaire? Six million? That's multi. Two.

Two is multi. Two is multi. I've always wanted to reboot the million dollar man. Six million dollar man. Six million dollar man. Six million dollar man. And all six million dollars

pays for in this day and age is like a knee replacement. So he's got a bionic knee. That's it. He's got the knee and he still has to fight crime. And he still has to fight crime. This is the thing. Like they want to get today's version of $6 million,

but they're negotiating with the streaming service. And they go like a Spotify. Like we just don't have the money right now. So I'm sorry. It's just, you're just going to have to do it yourself. And it's not a team of doctors. It's just you. It's just you. And you got to go. What about just going to have to do it yourself, and it's not a team of doctors. It's just you. It's just you.

But what about that guy in Back to Future? You can't make a man in your garage? Doc Brown? Listen, this will be great exposure. This is it. This is it. All right. You're going to get a lot of likes.

I like bionic hip. Bionic hip. And then he becomes a field goal kicker, and they try to take his NFL salary to then buy another hip, and then he just keeps getting. Then all of a sudden, now he's a wide receiver because he's got the two legs, and he just sort of keeps. Well, he's got good hips, so he could be like a D-back.

A D-back. He can swivel. Somewhere in it, he falls in love, and he takes his eye off the ball. That's it. It's called taking your eye off the ball. That's it. It's called taking your eye off the ball. It's called bionic hit. No, he fucking reverse emigrates. The Russians get in his ear.

Instead of him coming, instead of Moscow on the Hudson, it's Hudson on the Moscow with Lee Majors. And his name is Steve Hudson. Yes. Steve Hudson. I love this. Come on. We're doing this.

All right. Anyway, Oliver Zolman, a doctor heading up the team hired by Johnson, said they aim to He identifies as Russian. So you get the progressive people. He identifies as Russian. Proving human beings can reduce the medical age of their organs by 25%. This guy. Is this still going?

Still going. Oh, my God. All right, how old is this guy? We'll end it on this. How old is this joker, Brian Johnson? Is his dad 70? Is his kid 17? And he's trying to save his life.

He feels like his life is over. I think his dad was a young dad. And then he had a kid later in life because he was like, you know, my dad didn't have shit and I'm going to fucking make it in business and then someday i'll take both of their blood i'm gonna say that this guy this guy the kid around 39 this kid's 17 i'll say 56 56 that's his dad had when he was 14 no no no 70 70 i'm saying oh wait oh yeah good point have it when he was 14 No, he probably had him at 22 Good point

So 48 You're testing Roe helping out the other 48 You said you had that one dollar on that one No, no, no Alright, I say you had him at 22 He's 48 48 Daniel?

I'm going to say he's 50 I think he's 45 One of you is exactly right Yes, okay Did you get it last time? I know I got it last time Oh man I'm going to stay with you 50, I'm staying with you get it last time I don't know I got it last time Oh man I'm gonna stay with you

50 I'm staying with you I'm staying with me 45 years old Yeah You too Oh wait you guys put together No Fixed like the NFL

It is like Fucking bullshit Fucking the Chiefs What is Patrick Mahomes produced it I love how whoever's winning It's just all It's automatically fixed Rigged

All I heard the whole time The Patriots are winning It's just all It's automatically fixed All I heard the whole time The Patriots are winning It's fucking rigged Goodell loves As we get suspended For fucking nothing And lose draft picks And now it's just

Patrick Mahomes They want Taylor Swift They want Taylor Swift To be in that Super Bowl They want Taylor Swift Who's gonna bring in A new audience It's like come on

No And I love cause Roger Goodell Bear hugs a guy In the Chiefs They're like You can see it's right there It's like If I'm fixing Give Roger Goodell A little a guy in the Chiefs. They're like, you can see it right there. It's like, if I'm fixing, give Roger Goodell a little bit of credit.

If you're fixing the game, you don't walk up and bear hug one of the Chiefs in front of everybody. No, no. He's managed to skirt. But the internet is. He's managed to skirt responsibility for player concussions. He's not that dumb to make that mistake. I'll tell you, if there's anybody out there that needs to be taking his kid blood it's that guy that guy is he's aging like a fucking he is old person like the old school guy he looks like it yeah he looks like it well when he started he looks bloated he

looks like john madden when he was a coach in the 1970s he was probably like 26 years old and he was like 30 right he looked like he was kenny. Look at old pictures of Kenny Stabler. He's like 30 years old and he looks like Kenny Rogers right before Kenny Rogers the singer died. Yeah. He's like the same. Incredible book. The Stabler? Stabler. Is there a book about his life?

Snake Bit? Is it called Snake Bit? What is it? I forget. Something like that. Written by Dave Casper? Yeah. Yeah.

He talks about fucking being, you know, loved like boats and shit, being on the Redneck Riviera, which was the Gulf of Mexico. Right, Gulf of Mexico. Yeah. And talking about having a, you know, you'd have your girlfriend on the land and your fucking other chick out there

just openly admitting all of this. It was just like, you know, there's a cover of People Magazine with a shirtless Telly Savalas with gold chains and the quote is, of course my womanizing bothers my wife. I don't know if that's,

I mean, somebody sent it to me. Like maybe somebody photoshopped it. Maybe someone photoshopped it. No, you see him in like the old Battle of the Network stars

and like people are afraid to talk to him. That he had connections to... Wasn't he Turkish? Yeah, he's Greek. Greek. Savalas. Yeah.

He's got connections to the Greek mafia. Stavos, the guy on the show, was actually his brother and he kept his hair. He had the full head of hair. And then, of course, you had Bobby Crocker who just passed away. I live in the past. But have you got his albums?

He sang. Yeah, tell us about his albums. Albums. You never close your eyes anymore when i kiss your lips singing and he goes baby and they just drag no they just cranked up the reverb i love it all right you're trying hard not to show it he's sort of baby talk sings yeah it was like shatner all right let's take a talk croon. Talk sings. Yeah, it was like Shatner. All right, let's take a break.

Bill Burr is with us, the great Bill Burr. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town. Dan's got a story. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, gang.

Welcome back to the show. Bill Burr is with us. We should let people know we have. What are you doing, Sklarst? Yeah, coming up. Go ahead. We're going to be, I don't know when this drops. We're going to be in Denver at Comedy Works South Club,

which I love. This first weekend of February. It's going to be past this. We'll be in Detroit at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, the first place we ever got. Detroit's not going to exist. You're going to be in Cleveland? We're just going to move forward. We're going to help you get past what just happened, Detroit. Yeah. First we're going to march to Minneapolis in April

and then the Moon Tower Comedy Festival at the end of April. And then we're going to be in Salt Lake City in May. Superschoolers.com, check all that out. Bill. Fucking Amish, huh? Yeah. Come on. Let's go.

Mormon. So wait, so are you, what do you have coming on? I know you're on tour coming up this spring. When is this coming out? This might drop in the next couple of weeks. All right. I got something like the weekend after the Super Bowl. I'm in like Palm Desert.

Nice. And everything's on BillBurr.com, B-U-R-R. And I'm getting back out there again. And, you know, I'm excited to get out. I stayed home a little too long on this break. Did you? Yeah. The depression is coming on. so I need to get back.

So you're like, I got to get back out there. Yeah, the fog is catching up. The fog is catching. Yes, the fog is catching up. Now, does your wife, like, you got to get out on the road? You got to get out there? No. Does she know or does she doesn't understand?

She's like. No, I communicate with her. She'll be looking at me. She's like, what's going on with you? I'll be like, I'm sad. And she's just like, why? I go, because of all this shit I've told you.'s like well i thought you dealt with that in therapy it's like yeah i did but it still happens still there still yeah it's just you don't ever get past all the

bullshit so you're just aware of it yeah so that's why i have all these you know you know somebody you know i don't it's just that's i don't know what if you just fucking if you sit around long enough and think about everything that happened to you that's not a good scene't, it's just, that's, I don't know what, if you just fucking, if you sit around long enough and think about everything that happened to you, that's not a good scene. No. So, it's better to be out there, be like,

when's my flight, and just ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You have the stuff that you're doing.

And I also kind of feel that I kind of need to do, I need to make people laugh. It makes me feel good and I can kind of, you know, go to the gym,

put on the leg warmers, you know, fucking, you know, get the blood going and if I don't do that, then I just turn into a puddle yeah i got you no i believe i've i've had stand-up nights where my back was out before we got on stage and then when we got on stage and started performing i'm like i feel fine it was the thing dude if you make a testimonial and do that on instagram

people will start doing stand-up to help their backs i'm not doing that but yes that would be great in the next 20 minutes i will give you the secret to how you can fix your back chiropractors out of business you gotta go true though but i get out there and we're in this thing and then we're in this because you're not thinking about what you're doing adrenaline and the connection and i'm like oh shit i don't even feel it anymore and then i come off and act out i don't even feel it anymore. And then I come off stage. Maybe you did an act out. I don't know. Yeah. You know what I love is when people show you new ways to crack their back and they just throw these sound effects in. It's like you're going to get somebody

hurt. Hook him behind me. You go on my back. I'll go forward and both of us jump at the same time. It's terrible. Knee pain. All of these people with no... And then when a doctor chimes in and says like,

no, you don't want to do this. All the morons just like, a lot of doctors getting in their feelings in this fucking chat. A lot of people with credentials fucking really getting nervous. Like they're going to go out of business. It's like, no, dude,

I'm just going to see you guys in my office. Right. I'm actually fucking myself out of money by It's like, no dude, I'm just going to see you guys in my office. Right. I'm actually fucking myself out of money by letting you know that you shouldn't be doing this. A lot of Harvard grads getting in their feelings in it. Coastal elites. Can't handle it. Say,

are you guys ready for story two? Let's do it. Okay. The Senate by Matthew Friedman at not your average, Matt AVG on that average. Here's the headline. Florida man speaks for the first time after arm was bitten by alligator. So in Florida,

they were waiting for a long time. Like issued a statement or he was just not even talking. That'll shut him up. In hindsight, Eric, anybody. Yeah. Eric Murda says he probably should not have treaded into the waters of Lake

Manatee for a swim. If you're in Florida, don't go and do any fucking water. I mean, Donnie, I've seen an alligator like on the side. Oh, in the ditch. Yeah, in the ditch. Yes. Filled with water. Like, don't go anywhere.

They're surprisingly fast on land, too. Yeah. At my age, I don't think I could outrun one. You see golfers trying to hit a shot that's fallen near an alligator. I'm like, you don't need that shot. What are you doing? That's when you grab the wood. Get yourself a pair of shoes and a fucking penalty drop.

A purse. A Florida man came face to face with the alligator who clamped onto his arm and wouldn't let go. Yeah. Say goodbye to your arm, dude. Murdo was stuck in the swamp after the attack, losing his arm in the process for how many days? Days? Days. How many days do you think he was 127 hours?

That's a main artery. If you cut that off, you slit your wrist, you bleed to death. There's no days. You have like 20 minutes. I would think you'd be bleeding. I think he said- No days. No days?

Unless you know he's a Florida man. He took his fucking belt off and he tied it up. Right. He tourniqueted that shit. Yeah, maybe he did some self. What was it? A snack? He didn't come back to finish him off?

We're going to say, yeah. Is this also whether this is true or not? Is this definitely true? 100% true. 100% true. Is that fucking guy going to do a sequel to the kid in the canyon Who cut his fucking arm off Exactly 127 hours

Jesus Alright how many hours is that How many days is that 127 hours Oh god God 48 is too It's like 5 hours

5 hours 80 96 96 is 4 5 days Well I didn't hear anybody Saying this guy Beat that record

So I'm going to say It's under 172 And Hollywood hasn't made a movie about it So it's just like well what's exciting about that We already saw a guy go 172 hours And he cut his own arm off So I'm going to say he was in there He can go like three days

Without water is that fresh water Where he can drink it First of all what is the fucking problem It's a swamp So how is he stuck in there yeah how can he why wouldn't he leave dude why wouldn't he get out he didn't cut his legs off it's not like he's hiding in there from the alligator i would get out of the place where i was attacked two days two four days four i mean i think he gets bit and he ties it off and he walks out. He didn't. He stayed.

That's his part of life. So you need to go three or five. And all he did was have his arm. I'm going to tell you. So he was like in shock. Yeah, he probably was in shock. It's too fucking long. You know how long it takes? I'll say one day.

He was stuck in the swamp after the attack for three days. Wow, dude. Which you said at one point, Pilbara. He's trying to sell a book. Two months after the attack, Murda spoke she said at one point bill burr he's trying to sell a book two months after the attack murder spoke of the incident telling 10 tampa bay it was not the smartest decision a florida boy could make which he said that a lot he thinks he's like a tall tale murder described the attack as saying i look over and there's a gator at my right hand side so i went to swim and she got my forearm whoa whoa whoa you went to swim if you're

not swimming away from the gator why are you going into i think he probably dove to get out of the way so what happened so i grabbed her like this she was trying to roll but she but she snapped her head so my arm went backwards like this completely love this article person who provides no perspective the alligator dragged murda underwater three times she already got my arm so when she came the third time she finally did her death roll and took off with my arm okay and how does he know it's a she murda spent three days trying to figure his way out of the swamp going back to the point where he jumped in the water oh so he got lost, he's in a swamp.

Yeah. Oh, I don't want a swamp. I thought he was in a fucking pond. No, no. Oh, so this guy went way the fuck out. He's looking for drugs. Is his girlfriend missing? I was tired from digging the hole.

I was trying to swim. That's my girlfriend grave digging arm. He was in the fucking swamp. Dead or alive, she's my girlfriend grave digging arm. He was in the fucking swamp. Dead or alive, she's not answering when he calls. That's safe to say. They're over. Yeah, they're done. Who goes swimming in a fucking swamp? Somebody

who grew up out there because there's snakes. There's all kinds of shit. That guy was a nature guy. Right. Not good at it. No, he was. I say he was and then he just got unlucky that night i would say that he knew the swamp well enough to go in there you don't just that's not just something you do or you're high i think he grew up out there and then that's how you're if he's like this is how i will die i want to die the grizzly man right it's like jumped in the swamp

enough times and never lost his fucking arm and then this time it happened Some guys go into bars wanting to get the shit kicked out of them. Some people get in swamps wanting to get their arm ripped off. I think it's a little bit of that. He lost. The fear we have when we go to Florida is anybody who has a Gatorade, you have to think that. He probably, after a while, is like, well, it's not in every fucking...

It is hot out here. Get the skaters off me. Oh, shit. Not in every swamp. There is a gator in every swamp. I would argue that that probably... Without knowing that... It's the Starbucks of Florida.

Right. This is where you go to find gators who want to rip your arm off. You're giving them food. I think at some point he said to himself i know i hid it around here somewhere gold or something whatever it is that's what he's bars of gold i gotta go find it it might be the the song that uh what's his face was singing about charlie daniels that one down in georgia no everyone knows that one long-haired redneck

no it's that one where the fucking guy uh was burying the gold out there and he had his money in the mason jars and then the guys went out to go get it and they beat him up they thought they killed him and then like he somehow comes back and fucking feeds him he's like to the gators sell this sell this movie i've never heard i never heard his greatest hits well everybody likes devil Went Down to Georgia. It's really, leave this long-haired country boy alone is the best one. Long-haired redneck is my favorite one. Yeah.

I know the country boy one. Redneck's getting to you. I get drunk in the morning, get stoned in the afternoon. I ain't asking nobody for nothing. If I can't get it on my own. How come he didn't do the Monday Night Football theme song?

Yeah, Charlie Daniels should have done the Monday Night Football theme song. I agree. Because he was chill. He was kind of chill. And you needed Hank

to fucking get it going. He was aggressive. He was mad that he couldn't do what his dad did. He had to have a different persona than his dad. No, that's bullshit.

He had a different persona than his dad. Hank Williams Jr. fucking crushed it. And you know what I love about him now? He's fucking retired. He doesn't have to go

on the road anymore. That's what I wish for every person. Keep your fucking money and then there's just one day is the last day you're going to LAX. Dude, Hank Williams Jr.

fucking crushed it. So did his dad. No, he didn't. He died at 29. He was a complete fucking failure as a father. Hank Williams Jr. left him as a father.

God damn orphan. He was a failure as a father. He was a failure as a father. Goddamn orphan. He was a failure as a father, but he was a brilliant musician. And musician. And singer. He influenced country music more than his son. I got to tell you something. I go back and listen to his old shit. I don't hear it.

I prefer his son. You prefer his son? Well, that's closer for me, too. Fucking Tampa Bay and Cincinnati are playing. I mean, that's something I can relate to. That's some Tully Savalas talk. Country Boy Can't Survive is an all-time thing. He has some early hits in the 70s that everybody sleeps on.

See, all of us fucking coastal people learned of him on Monday Night Football. But that guy, he was living the life. He was living the life, but he had to create a persona that was different than his dad's. That was his either... Why are you talking like you're in create a persona that was different than his dad's. That was his either. Why are you talking like you're in the industry? Because you hear who his dad was. These are huge music nerds. You hear who his dad was.

You are dressed like you have a tennis court on your property. God, I wish you did. It looks like a Romanian women's gymnastics coach from 1987 who pushed the girls a little too hard. You want to be a champion? You fucking work. Fine. You work if you want to be a champion. Murda spent three days trying to figure his way out of the swamp,

going back to where he jumped in the water. Should have started there, buddy. Finally, he stumbled on a fence with a man on the other side. He yelled at the guy. I said, a gator got my arm. What's missing from this picture? A gator got my arm. The guy on the fence yelled back, holy smokes, man.

Who has one thumb and just got it? The first thing that Murda said he wanted was water. And then he was on a stretcher headed to the Sarasota Memorial Hospital where surgeons amputated the majority of his right arm. Now he's a deaf leopard cover band. And the surgeons were like, another one? Here we go. Murda says he's getting used to it.

That's still too soon. You didn't want to like that. Still too soon. I love Rick Allen. I know, but something came up inside of you and you were like, yeah. Murda says he's getting used to the new normal and now has a new perspective

and wants to warn others to be more cautious around Florida waters. I love when people do dumb shit and then like they can't get out of their own ego that they're the fucking idiot. Let me tell you guys. Let me just tell you what you don't want to do. Is go swimming in the swamp. I'm now an advocate.

I'm now an advocate for awareness. Hey, where's your girlfriend? I'm telling you, don't go swimming. A lot of people, they think you can go swimming in a swamp. You know, I was watching a podcast, like, talking about, like, bear attacks and shit. And they're going like, you know, a lot of people don't think bears are fucking dangerous. Yes, they do. They are.

Yes, they do. Stop judging all of humanity on one fucking idiot. Bill, final line. He does exactly what you're saying. Final line is exactly what you're saying. Here's one for all y'all out there. Do not feed the gators. And you guys know who you are.

Throwing rocks at them. I've seen it on job sites. Leave them gators alone. You know what was great? He was wagging his one good finger at everybody. He's like, oh, no, he's going stump. Listen to me. He's like, look, and I don't even blame the gator.

I don't even blame the gator. He literally said, you guys know who you are. Yeah. Which means he's talking to his own friends. He's lecturing. He's lecturing. He literally said, you guys know who you are. Yeah. Which means he's talking to his own friends. A specific group of people. He's lecturing a group of people. That is, you ever read up on the dark triad? No.

No. Never even heard of it. The dark triad is, it's the triangle of narcissism, psychopath, and I forget what the last is and its characteristics. And one of the things, he has a little bit of that. He has one side of the triangle down where he has the narcissism of he can't take responsibility for his own fucking actions. And then somehow in it, he becomes like, I remember one time seeing somebody who did something racist, got called out for doing something racist. And by the end of the apology was giving everyone else a lecture on how not to be racist

it was fucking magnificent that's an unbelievable turnaround magnificent and nobody because the message was anti-racist no one was going like well you're gonna argue right are you talking are you do you think you're is there a big mirror in front of this why. Why am I getting a fucking lecture? You're the one who did it. This is why you can't make those types of comments. The dark triad. I mean, that guy does not have a clean shirt. This is our guy. That looks like a guy that's thrown a lot of rocks at a lot of games. He's thrown a lot of rocks at a lot of things.

Houses. But I will tell you right now. Beer. X-Y. I would have a beer with that guy and I would help him open his. I mean, that guy. You'd have a beer with this guy and you'd have 20 new minutes. No, I love. I've met a beer with that guy and I would help him open his You'd have a beer with this guy and you'd have 20 new minutes No I love

I've met a guy like that Me and my wife took a fan boat Ride And he had this fucking amazing accent It wasn't our guy His fucking fan boat Had conked out It was the first time I heard this expression

He was smoking a cigarette And there's all these scared tourists on it and he's fucking chilling. And the guy pulls up and he goes, what's going on? He's like,

it's like talking, right? And then at some point the guy made fun of his busted boat and he just go, well, if it won't go, chrome it.

And I had never heard that. If it won't go, chrome it. That's like, it's this piece of shit car you throw fucking rims on it and some asshole will come and buy it. That's right. I believe.

That's how I took it. I remember he did that. And I looked at my wife and she broke out in this giant grin because we love like hearing accents and stuff. Right. Which for some reason are going away, which is horrible. Yes. But we went to Mammoth recently. And these fucking two kids were in the back,

like the California kids, going, oh, bro, I was on the fucking day and I fucking, you hear this guy's leg just fucking snapped, dude. I was like, fuck. And it's just like,

and I turn around and look at my wife, she's just cracking up. She loves it. No, but we're just sitting and going like, this is why we came here. Right.

I don't want to fucking come up here and meet other people from Los Angeles and fucking, like, you know. You want to hear the accent. Yeah. I agree. Which is why I came here. Right. I don't want to fucking come up here and meet other people from Los Angeles. Like, you know? You want to hear the accent. I agree. Which is why I would never go on a cruise. It's so fucking stupid.

I would never. You're going to like experience another country and you're sitting there in a bar pool with some guy from Cleveland. It's like, I could have fucking just gone to Cleveland. Yes. Yes. All right, friends, we'll get out of here on this. How old?

Oh, dude, that's his nice shirt. I fucking love it. This is his senior photo. And glasses, by here On this How old Oh dude That's his nice shirt I fucking love him This is his senior photo And glasses By the way How old is Eric First of all We've made fun of this guy

This guy's a fucking badass He's amazing I can tell you right now Is he a bad He jumped into a fucking swamp He survived But he's an idiot for doing it That doesn't make him a

He's a moron Don't go Dude I remember fucking Riding on the front of a On the hood of a car Waving to oncoming traffic. And how would you describe yourself at that time in your life? I know.

A fucking moron. Me too. I've done... I know, but like overall? Well, he's still in this chapter. He's an adult, though. Oh, you're right. Yeah, he's past it.

Yeah, he became an advocate for not throwing rocks. There's something about him. There's something that smile. He still has a lot of life. And I would be fucking depressed. And love to you. And I would be being a sad sack and all of that. I mean, he's got the best story at every bar.

You could still play slow pitch softball. That's right. He's one of the few people at his age you want to wear vertical stripes to add weight. So maybe it looks like you haven't lost a limb. How old? Why are we roasting this guy? I don't know. You were loving him.

How old is that guy? He's fucking 43. Okay. Florida, 43. 37. 37. That's a good one. I almost said that guy? He's fucking 43. Okay. Florida, 43. 37. 37? That's a good one. I almost said that.

51 years old. One of you. He looks so good. He's exactly. We're killing this, by the way. By the way. If this is you, I'm walking out. I'm walking out of this thing.

One of you looked at this man and knew exactly how many turns he's done. He doesn't have any wrinkles and he's in Florida. Okay. I say 37. I'm going to stick with mine. The answer is? 43 years. I lost faith in myself.

Believe in yourself. You had him there. I've done Florida enough times. I don't want to think. That's a chain-smoking Floridian. That's a grandfather. That's a grandfather. Now predict how many more years he has left on this earth.

Oh, that guy? That guy's going to... Eric Murda. Eric Murda. Do you know that guy? He's going through changes. How many teeth does he have? He's going through changes.

That's just not a good picture. They caught him in between expressions. In a bad sight. Exactly. That's a digital camera. It's not his headshot. Let's just say that. All right.

That's story number two, friends. Ryan, you're up. Let me grab this for you. Hold on. Have you ever had an episode where somebody was right every one? I mean, this is pretty amazing. Kevin Pollak got the closest. Right.

He went two for three. And like right. You were just saying one guess. I just meant that somebody of the four. Yeah, so Kevin Pollak got the first two right on the nose. Story one and story two. And then the third one, he was closest but didn't get two right on the nose. Story one and story two, he guessed the first one. And then the third one, he was closest but didn't get it right.

Yeah. But that was insane. All right, we'll take a break. The price is right. That's right. You could somehow take that skill and do it to appliances. I mean, he'd fucking be 799. So there was.

I saw a documentary about a guy who, like, gamed the system on the price is right. He figured out. He just did all this research about the pricing. No, he did. Right. He figured out. He just did all this research about the pricing. No, he didn't. He just fucking was educated. And in the end,

they thought that he had cheated. So Drew Carey's like, yeah, he went both and gave him a bad fucking thing. Like they gave him misinformation and then it turned out he was actually right.

Oh, yeah. He was a beast. Yeah. Jordan showed up and they couldn't handle it. That's right. Remember the press your luck guy? You ever see that documentary

The dude who figured out The pattern to press your luck And he just never got a whammy And took them for everything Truck driver Was it truck driver Maybe I don't remember

Good stuff Alright let's take a break We'll come back Dude that is No but We can't take a break on that That's fucking amazing Yeah

He figured out the exact pattern I could never do that Like to sit there And just Like to break it down Like that But those are the guy Like the guy from King of Kong The donkey Kong To sit there and just break it down like that. Those are the guys from King of Kong, the Donkey Kong. You have to have a brain to understand the pattern of video games.

And you understand where things are coming. It's like Ms. Pac-Man. Step outside the Matrix. He's in the Matrix and outside at the same time. So what did they have to do to the guy? Just be like, listen, dude. You can't play anymore. How long was he on for? I think he did like,

didn't he do like 15 shows or something like that? Because he just kept going. He knew exactly when to hit the thing and he would just never get a whammy. How about the people in the show were too stupid to just fucking rig it after three days? Yeah, just like fucking buzzer up or something. Like sign stealing.

Change the signs. Change the fucking signs. Or the casinos are coming in with the new dice. stealing. Change the signs. Change the fucking signs. Or the casinos, they come in with the new dice. Yeah. All of a sudden, everybody craps out. That's why you got to bet

the don't pass line. You're the worst person at the thing, but you bet the don't pass line. You just get Jim Irsay and you fucking pump in crowd noise. You go Jim Irsay.

You change the rules of the game and then you tell everybody else that everybody else is cheating. And then you wind up passed out on your own bed with blue lips. All right, let's take a break. We come back.

One more story. Ready? Bill Burr's with us on your own bed with blue lips. All right, let's take a break. We come back. One more story. Ready? Bill Burr's with us. Indianapolis Colts blue lips. That's right. Jeff Saturday blue lips. All right, we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town with Bill Burr right after this. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. All right, gang. Listen, everybody wants to start the year off on the right foot, especially with eating, especially with diet. And for me, that means making sure I'm eating well. I have enough energy. I need the proteins. I know you guys are that way too. I'm not going to run to the butcher every like week to get this stuff. It's a pain. You want good cuts of quality meat and that's just not going to happen this time of year. That's why I love that we have this new sponsor. They're amazing're amazing good chop it's a lifesaver for me fully customizable

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Use the code dpt120 and get $120 off across your first four boxes. That's amazing. That code again, dpt120 at goodchop.com slash dpt120 for $120 off. goodchop.com slash dpt120 and use the code dpt120. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp and I'm a therapy person. My wife is a therapist.

I've been in, I know Dan has been in his own therapy. So has Randy. You know, it's a great way for you to work on yourself and how you are in relationships with your therapist it's at times when i was in therapy i felt like it was almost like the most self-indulgent thing i could do because i'm spending time working on myself understanding where i have problems and issues and trying to get better at it or Or finding them. And finding your issues. Oh my gosh, I guess that was an issue that I didn't even recognize.

It's how you become healthy as a human being. And obviously BetterHelp is a great way if people are wanting to dip a toe into these waters and connect with it. They make it very, very accessible to lots of people. If you're thinking about giving it a try and giving BetterHelp a try, it's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited for your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched up with a licensed therapist and switch therapist anytime for no additional charge. They make it easy, Dan. Yeah, they do make it easy. They make it easy for you to be you and for you to be a better person in all of your relationships.

That's right. So become your own soulmate, whether you're looking for one or not. Visit BetterHelp.com slash dbt today to get 10 off your first month that's better help h-e-l-p.com slash dpt stick around make a sound there's more don't people tell hey everybody welcome back to the show bill burr is with us go see his movie on on Netflix, Old Dads. Great movie by the way. Fantastic movie. Congrats. I'm so happy that did well. Thank you. I'm so happy it came out right before the strike ended so I

didn't get any sort of fucking backblast. Yeah, you couldn't promote it. No, I just got nothing. That did really good. Okay, what are you doing next? It's like, wait a second. But it did do really well. Maybe we'll get another one. As Rasheed Wallace says, the ball don't lie. Right. It was like, wait a second. But it did do really well. Maybe we'll get another one. As Rasheed Wallace says, the ball don't lie.

Right. It was a good movie. Right? And Rasheed Wallace also got a ridiculous amount of reputation fouls called on him in a certain game seven. Yes. The NBA is just fucking filthy. David Stern was filthy. David Stern, he had one goal in this world, and that was

to make the NBAba an international game that's it and he did that's all he cared about and he did well i mean to make a bunch of fucking money and to make a bunch of money yes because that's what that was part of that oh wait dan what do you have going on uh i'll be in dc the first weekend in march you can see me on friday and saturday then i'll be in wisconsin and green in May. My special drops April 17th, Rose Gold. Check that out. We shot it in Chicago, and it was a great time. And my movie, Wine Club, is out right now.

You can watch that wherever you stream stuff that you like to watch. Phenomenal, dude. Thank you, buddy. Have you guys watched it yet? I have not watched it. Come on, you two a-holes. I'm just streaming. I don't watch movies.

I like how you admitted that you didn't watch it and immediately point to your brother, like, trying to get it off. He won't let me. I've wanted to watch it numerous times. Well, don't be like the Sklars. Check out Wine Club. You're going to love it. Go to DanielVanKirk.com.

Why are you wearing your fucking peyote shirt today? Why my peyote shirt? Because it's one of our sponsors. You're the dude, man. Dude, one of our sponsors. I'm the dude. Is that what that is? Yes.

Verity. Great clothes. Off the record with the cameras on. Don't edit this out. I fucking love it. Do you like the shirt? I love it. You broke eye contact twice.

I love it. You were like, I fucking love it. I fucking love it. I love it. If you haven't done any Faraday, you'd like it too. Great stuff. It's great. Your stuff's great, Alex.

I don't know about that. You're a great dude. It's good. All right. Should we go into this last story? Yeah. I think Ted Turner wears that when he rides his horse to the state. On his own property. Is he still alive? I don i don't ted turner that's a good guess i'm gonna go still married to jane no do you want to find out i'll find out yes and i'm guessing i think he's 87

so many times it just will not get back to me why age of age of ted turner anybody want to get in on this section fucking james Fonda's MySpace page. I said 88 for Ted Turner. He's dead. He's definitely dead. 88's my final guess. I remember seeing tributes of like, he re- You say 88? Yes.

Bill? Ted Turner? I also say 88. I think that's what she is. No, no, Ted Turner. Ted Turner. Oh, Ted Turner? Yeah.

88. Ted Turner is... Alive in 88. I think he's 84. 84? I think he's dead. He's 85 years old. Holy shit, dude.

Nice work, son. You're honed in, Bill. No, but I wanted somebody to get it right. All right. He's still alive. All right. You did. You were close to it.

All right. I wonder what he feels like. Great. Rich. No, just because like what 24-hour news network have done to this country which the basically the job of of cnn and fox every morning is to wake up and divide america over shit that doesn't matter right so you turn news into opinion that's your legacy you turn i mean you well i mean he i don't know i don't think he tried to do that but that's what

it gets where it went that's the box he opened up was doing that he was like oh i can make money people watch there was like and it was beyond that i think it's it's this idea of the way i see the world is the only way to see the world so we're basically you have two people's fucking opinions and everybody else is a company man underneath they have all these different fucking people and they're acting like this is a bunch of different viewpoints. And it isn't. It's two fucking viewpoints of two super rich people that could give a fuck about you. Right.

They have one goal to either keep you angry or scared. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't understand why people sit and watch that shit. I don't even know. It's not even, it's not like they're not even. Dude, when Trump won and half of those fucking anchors started like crying and shit, like when I was growing up, you didn't know who the anchor voted for?

No. Yeah. You were not supposed to. He sat there stone-faced and it was a white guy who needed to trim his fucking eyebrows, but he didn't. They were big bushy eyebrows and he just sat there and he gave it to you straight. Sam Donaldson. Yes.

Shout out to Donaldson. Sam Donaldson. Tell me he wasn't in the running. He didn't go to network to play Spock. Tell me he didn't. He definitely did. There's no fucking way. He did a pre-tape.

Spock was not based on that guy's fucking head. His head, his face, it was like flat and shiny. Oh, dude. It was beautiful. He had to get on TV to get away. Was he married to Cokie Roberts? Sam Donaldson was married to Cokie Roberts? Look that shit up. He looked like a silent film

villain. Yes. He was like if you look up sinister. He could twirl his eyebrows. Yeah. He had like three mustaches. Two of them were eyebrows. Sam Donaldson. I mean that guy is like first ballot like first ballot newsaster Hall of Fame

Yeah There you go Yeah Alright you ready for this Wait no no no Let's keep talking Who was your guy Dan Rather

Growing up Who did you believe Dan Rather Dan Rather made sense to you I mean we grew up on Tom Brokaw Tom Brokaw Brokaw

Tom Brokaw I like the I like Ted Koppel I was a Ted Koppel guy Yeah Dude that fucking The sickest hairline Ever Ted Koppel was He had a Ted Koppel guy. Dude, that fucking, the sickest hairline ever. Ted Koppel was great.

He had like three heads worth of hair. He was fearless, too. And he would just, Koppel. Yeah, that's the thing. He always had a scowl. Holes, holes, holes. And he fucking looked like, remember Bill Elliott, the stock car driver? Those two people were the same person in my world.

Ted Koppel. He always had a furrowed brow. Ted Koppel and then the other guy. Who was the stock car racer that everybody fucking hated? Who? The stock car racer? Dale Earnhardt. No, no.

Everybody loved him. Michael Waltrip? No, the other guy. Everybody said he was... Tony Stewart? He's fucking gay and blah, blah, blah. Dick Trickle. And he used to win all the time.

No. No, Jeff Gordon. Jeff Gordon. Yeah, because he wasn't... And George Stepanoff was with the same person. Jeff Gordon was... Jeff Gordon. Maybe because he was from Chicago. No, no, no. Jeff... Who's the country singer? Jeff Gordon wasn't from Chicagoff were the same person to me. Jeff Gordon was from Chicago.

Who's the country singer? Jeff Gordon wasn't from Chicago. Who's the country singer who did Nationwide? Brad Paisley. Thank you. Brad Paisley and Jeff Gordon are the same fucking person. I have to go Brad Paisley story. I went up. I was doing a benefit.

I didn't know who Brad Paisley was. There was this guy in there. He came walking and i started a guitar case i go oh you're playing you're playing guitar tonight he goes a classic country guy guitarist he just goes like yeah i might play a little bit dude and he just goes up there and just fucking shreds he's an amazing guitar player like unreal guitar player it was so fucking cool that he didn't have any, like, don't you know who the fuck I am? He just went up, and he just went up. Dude, when I say, like, it was like one of the top five live performances,

and it was just at a benefit. He fucking murdered. He knew. He loves comedy. He's great to comedy. He's a huge fan. So, in 2006, when the Cardinals. You're going to go up there with your little ukulele?

That was my vibe. I had no idea. He knew in about 40 minutes he was going to shut your ass up. I might play it. It was beyond that. I don't think he even gave a fuck. So that's what I'm saying. He doesn't have to.

I don't think at any point he was up there going like, now I bet that comic knows who the fuck I am. He just went up and did what he did and he left. Did you say anything to him after? Did you go, holy shit? I don't remember. I came in contact with him. There's no fucking way I didn't.

There was a lot of geeking out moments because Steve Jordan was one of my favorite drummers of all time. It was the first time I met him. Well, I met him one time in the street. I was like, oh, Steve Jordan. But this is the first time we were actually working on the same thing and i got to see him play live which is fucking crazy to me and he got to see you uh well yeah i mean i i wish i was the you wish the drawer of comedians you might be uh no no he's on a whole other level so in 2006 we're at the in game three of three before the Cardinals game against Detroit.

We're in St. Louis, and we're shooting a little thing for this week in baseball, and we're down right by the field. You're drinking with Sam Donaldson. So we're drinking with Sam Donaldson. So we're there with our parents, and we're there. And both parents, our dad, who had never been to a World Series game, we took him to that game that night. But that day we're there, and this guy walks over tall dude with a

ponytail and a jean jacket. And he's just like looking at the field and he comes over to where we're standing right in the seats. He's like, Hey man, I'm a huge fan of cheap seats. I love that show. You guys are great. I love you. I love you guys.

I already know who this is. We're like, thank you so much. This guy's amazing. Turn to our parents. We're like, this guy, this guy, this turned to our parents we're like this fucking this guy we're like this fucking guy we're like look in his era we're like the head of the grounds crew like is like a huge are you for real yeah we said the head of the ground no this guy is he's looking out on the field we're like the head of the grounds crew that's what i love about the show is that it connects with people man right the sport our

sports connects to everyone one minute later they're like practicing the you know national national anthem and over the last, they're like practicing the, you know. National anthem. National anthem. And over the last period of time, they're like, multi-platinum recording artist Trace Atkins to perform. And that was Trace Atkins. We didn't know who that is. We didn't know who it was either.

No, no. My country shit is awful. Ours was bad, too. But we thought he was the grounds guy. We thought he was the groundskeeper. But it was a great moment. It was huge. He fucking nailed it. groundskeeper. But it was a great moment. He fucking nailed it.

All right, shall we do this story? Shall we jump into it? Yes. All right, sent in by Dane Couch, at Dane Couch. I don't think this guy's sent in a story before. I love this dude. Thanks, Dane. All right, this is what the woman said. This is the name of the thing.

He has a special called Vicious Circle. Okay. I mean, it's so close. Dane Couch. Dane Couch. I am... The mediocre finger. He's a poor close. Dane Couch. The mediocre finger. He's a poor man's Dane Couch.

He could have made it, but he just couldn't get off the couch. And we'll be right back. All sizzle. All right. This is what the headline was. I'm a wedding makeup artist, and my bride almost walked out on her big day after finding the groom being breastfed by his mother. Wait, wait, what? I am a wedding makeup artist and my bride almost walked out on her big day.

Almost. Why the headline bride almost walks out on her big day seeing husband breastfeed future husband breastfed by his mother. What the fuck wedding maker claim how old was he he's four he's young he's on the edge guys he's on the edge it's a fisher price wedding

and you're a makeup artist for that things are going well kids make a wish before he died was get married they were doing a show called I married a a Toddler. Which you could see on TV. Stop acting like a baby. All right, so the makeup artist, this woman, Georgie Relay,

this woman who's a professional artist. She had just finished the bride's face and hair when she needed to go use the restroom. Said the bride walked into the toilet and what she saw was enough to end the wedding, but apparently didn't. I mean, what the hell? Well, you spent all the money and what she saw was enough to end the wedding, but apparently didn't. I mean, what the hell? Well, you spent all the money and the level of embarrassment.

He was being breastfed by his mom. Now, the question is, why did you do that there? Why can't you do that at home? How is she still lactating? How old are these people? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that her mother-in-law is going to compete for attention. You think so? Yeah, I think there's a little bit of... Hey, why that her mother-in-law is going to compete for attention. Yeah. You think so? Yeah.

I think there's a little bit of... Hey, why is the mother-in-law dressed in white? What kind of milk comes out of her breasts? Let's say they're young. He's 22. His mom's... Let's say she had him even younger at 20. I was having such a good time on this podcast.

Until this happened. This is insane. I mean, I handled the guy getting his fucking arm ripped off. You championed that guy. And the lecture champion and the lecture and the lecture the lecture the lecture from that guy about how to treat alligators stop throwing rocks so again why do we think them i don't know why do you why would the mom why would you still be doing this and then be doing it there on site well this can't you get your milk at home before

you get there and bottle some for the day. Yeah, like can't she pump and dump in some sort of a way? Not to mention it's not even pasteurized. It's oatmeal. Everyone in the room is waiting, but you definitely, she didn't want to kiss the groom. That's the other thing. This marriage is doomed.

This marriage is doomed from the beginning. But like, Dan, you said at least you found out. He still had a soft spot. Maybe he had an arrested development. I mean, and people are saying, look, it took mommy's boy to a whole new level. Can we just guess the state? Does it say the state?

I think this happened in England. I think it's England. It happened in England. It's just, come on. No wonder their teeth are crooked that's right because they're still sucking on the sucky the titties are all the way back you need to wear your retainer guys blokes if you're still if you're still having if you're still it's a short story though would you call it off i think would you call off the wedding if you walked in and call the person you're marrying breastfeeding their mom you're you're 24 they're 22 your kids whatever you got to walk out and just be like it's over

and when they gas just be like trust me yeah yeah you don't want to know if we want to know and then it wasn't cheating kind of was yeah kind of was was i caught my i caught my future husband breastfeeding going to second base with his mom and half the crowd is like we knew and then the other half is yeah yeah how many people knew i'm sure half people oh she's yeah she does that with everybody i'd still do the open bar but the ceremony's off i mean you still have the party and the open bar yeah you need a drink so wait a second so she she walks in and this is like fast times at richmond high like like oh does anybody fucking knock yeah yeah does anybody fucking they they know that she walked in yeah oh yeah i have to know you have to know they have to

know i don't know i don't know how big the room is does he get a couple more steps in before he goes out and and says i gotta deal with this this. I mean, is he finished? I mean, hey, something borrowed. He was just like, what do I do now, mom? Go out there and fix it, but just finish this one off because it's a little bigger. Something borrowed. That was his thing. Wait.

Oh, wait a minute. How is she still producing? That's what I say. You said that. OK. Let's say he's 22. She had him at 20, so she's 42 years old. But if you keep breastfeeding, this is how some women can breastfeed.

It's some late in life. You got us. Are they that broke? I mean. Hey, y'all. You know you broke when you're still fucking breastfeeding at fucking 22. Mom, I just poured some Cheerios. I'm going to run to the store and get some milk.

No need. No need. I just poured some Cheerios. If you breastfeed at fucking 22. Mom, I just poured some Cheerios. I'm going to run to the store and get some milk. No need. No need. I just poured some Cheerios. If you breastfeed at 44, you might be a redneck. It's the same guy. It's all the same fucking. He's taking on this cause now. Oh, God.

Cut to a doctor making a TikTok being like, please stop breastfeeding late in life. And now the guy after he gets off the breast is like, and this is why you shouldn't breastfeed from your mother. Starts lecturing everyone. You guys know who you are. You know who you are. You know who you are. You got cookies.

You got cookies. All right. What are they off? That's it? That's it. That's the last thing. I'm walking away on that. Driving home by myself with that fucking story on my mind?

Keep that image in your brain. Take that with you through the rest of the day. Don't throw rocksicators. Don't throw rocksicators. Thanks for doing the show. Don't throw rocksicators. You know what's funny? As if so used to it, the point, I bet they both were on their iPhone when he was doing it.

Yeah, just bored with it. He's going through junkies. Yeah, she's literally like, fine, here, real quick. Real quick. I just got it. Honey, honey, look. Are you having a laugh that's what she said she walked out and she went ahead with it she went ahead with it she's like well i'm listening to princess di could marry prince charles yeah right that's top five ugliest guys i've ever seen in my life like he was never good looking

top five ugliest guys and interested in his cousin. And now married to his cousin. Like, just straight up. It's like one of the puppets in the Phil Collins video. Yeah. Yes. But all the time. I mean, yeah. I mean, you can't even argue that.

No. And she was gorgeous. Beautiful. She was gorgeous and she was cool and she fucking dressed cool. God damn. Oh, I wanted you to keep going. I did, too. She had great legs.

She was a freak. And I had all her pictures on my wall. She was a freak in the sheets. She was a lady in the streets. I learned all the words to the British National Anthem. I got my hair cut. You went somewhere there for a second. I loved her haircut.

I'm sorry. I've never seen your eyes smile like that. That was amazing. I mean, she was a beautiful woman. Hey, you got great taste. Rest in peace. I love her. Granted, she stole Dorothy Hamill's haircut, but go ahead.

That's fine. Who stole it from Peggy Fleming? Who stole it from Shirley Feeney? No, Peggy Fleming had the fucking long hair. That's right. She did have long hair. Yeah, who was Susie Chapstick? You guys lost me.

We're so far gone. All right, let's show you guys. Is that a MySpace celebrity? Susie Chapstick? She was a skier. It was Tila Tequila versus Susie Chapstick. Tila Tequila. Tila Tequila. No one said that

in 10 years. That's a show. Where are they now? She hasn't even said it. She's dead. Tila Tequila is... She's gotta be dead. She's definitely gone swimming in the snow. I think she's dead. Is Tila Tequila dead? Let me just say this.

I will walk out of here if Ted's dead? Is Tila Tequila dead? So if... I'm gonna say yes. Let me just say this. Tila dead. I will walk out of here if Ted Turner is alive and Tila Tequila is dead. If that is it, I will get up and walk out. Listen, you can just say you want to beat the traffic. That's right. I get it. I just want to get in my car and think about Lady Di. What is so wrong about that? How old is Tila? We can end on this to get away

from the... How old is Tila? 26. First started posting Bikini shots as an 8 year old Just tatted up Teela Tequila I'm going to go She's 41 years old I think she's 53

39 One of you is one year off So we can all go up or down 52 What? 42 I'm going to go 42 I'm saying as? I'm going to go 42. 42? I'm saying as well.

I'm going to go down. He's going to go up. Dan, I wish you would have said 42 because she's 42. Jackie Robinson. Jackie Robinson. She broke many barriers. May she rest in peace. Go see the Sklars. Come see me. Watch my movie. April 17th.

Go see old dads and go see Bill Burr.com on tour. We love you guys. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work.

We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work.

We got to get back to work. We got to get back to work. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Don't People Town.