Dumb People Town - Bobby Lee - Cheese Soap

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

Today, Bobby Lee comes to town to visit…and we have a Greenlee! In story 1, a woman starts a fight after she is denied a drink. In story 2, a firecracker fight gets out of control. In story 3, a woman commits to washing her hands to protect herself from Corona Virus. 

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Lee. Bobby Lee. Yay. What a great intro. That was really nice. Right?

Upbeat. Yeah. We're such professionals. We definitely didn't have to rewrite it. And I like the bald guy in the middle. Thanks, buddy. You're very handsome. I hear that you're mad at us, Bobby.

Is that true? Why are you mad at us? Yeah, well, not mad, but just irritated because of the fact that the other day my manager goes, are you interested in doing the Sklar brothers? And I i was like why don't you fucking call me directly all right so not so i'm gonna remember a time like two years ago when i texted you and i said hey bobby uh i'm doing a benefit for my kids school and it's right up the street from the comedy store you can probably pop back down to the store and do it and then then I never heard from you again. That's not- So I never did it? You never did it. And you-

Oh, so I- You were great. I thought I did it. Actually, you did it and you were great. You were incredible, Bobby. You just showed up. You didn't even respond to my text and you just knew where it was.

No, but we just wanted you to do it. We told our people to go out to people wherever they want. And then they said, oh, you know Bobby, so just go directly to him. And we did. And you responded right away. And that's why we're so happy. Can I we did and you responded right away and that's why we're gonna tell you why I responded right away Tommy because it was us because the thing is is

that I'm in I'm in therapy now all right right now currently yeah yeah and um a part of see one of my things is is that I isolate and I don't call people back and stuff like you know I don't even call my mom back yeah like even if my mom goes daddy daddy daddy he dying i wouldn't call her no yeah yeah yeah that's so what am i why does your mom sound like she's four because she's only three oh okay so is that one of the things is to like reconnect to people get back to them right away yeah for me it's like i'm trying to like you know when people call text right away and be present and be mindful about people's feelings and all that stuff. So from now on, if you text me, I will text you as soon as I can.

And I'd reach out and be a normal human being. Well, you can also reach out and just say hi. I'm going to do that. I'm going to call you and just be like, how are you doing? How are you handling things? I'm just going to call you. Yeah, I mean, out of the Sklar brothers, Randy, you're my least favorite. What? Yes. Hold on a second. I'll take to do that. I'm going to call you and just be like, how are you doing? How are you handling things? I'm just going to call you. Yeah, I mean, out of the Sklar brothers, Randy, you're my least favorite. What? Yes. Hold on a second.

I'll take that. Wait. Thank you. Well, Bobby. But did I not do your fart documentary? You were amazing. And it was actually a poop documentary, but you were incredible. Oh, yeah. It was poop. That's right. It was poop. Your story about the outhouse in Korea that's just it was your story about the the outhouse in korea that's just just generations of poop on top of the other it was like it was anthropological um well here's the deal on this

show we believe that the world's getting dumber i don't know what you think do you think are we are we getting dumber as a people or are we just hearing about more dumb things that are happening i think because of the internet that we now have access to the dumb people. Oh, yeah. But if we didn't have the internet, I just think that I would be much happier, you know? Agreed. Because the internet is so polarizing and then you get to hear stupid, retarded stuff. Yeah, you wouldn't have access to the dumb people.

You're okay. And dumb people wouldn't have access to you. That's true. And then also I wouldn't have to hear dumb people's opinions about me. That's right. We should cut all that off. Well, here's the deal. Our amazing fans of this podcast find the dumbest stories of people acting dumb out in the world. And then we just try and understand why they behave that way. We're not even just pointing, hey, that's dumb. We're like, why is that dumb? Why is this happening? And we feel like having you with us, do you want to

jump into a story right away with us? I mean, I'm doing your podcast. Okay, let's do it. I'm here. Let's do it. Ready? This was sent in by Rich McCabe at Rich TMC who sent to me at Daniel Van Kirk and then hashtag to Dumb People Town, which I want everyone to do.

If you love this show, be a part of it. Send me stories. Here we go. Guys, I say this with all the weight that it carries. We've got a Greenlee. Okay. Now, when Dan says we've got a Greenlee, Bobby, that means that there is a journalist,

and I use that in quotes, who writes for the TC Palm in Florida, and his name is Will Greenlee. Now, Will Greenlee, we have tried to understand, he's written a number of articles about stupid behavior, and the way he writes them, we can't understand if he has 1,500 words to fill and the stories are only 600 words, so he just got a lot of room to expand, and he just explains stuff that doesn't need explaining. Like in one of his articles,

articles, he explained how an anchor works. He told us what pockets were. He told us what pockets were. He also wrote two full verses of the thong song. So that made us think that he's trying to fill that so that he gets, or he thinks that the people he's writing to like his on the treasure, on the treasure coast of Florida, they're so dumb that they need these explanations. so that he gets paid. Or he thinks that the people he's writing to, like his journalist audience,

on the Treasure Coast of Florida, they're so dumb that they need these explanations. So the game we play in this, which is so much fun, and you will get it the second we start, is that Dan will read the article. Anytime there's extra flourish or over-explanation. We have to guess.

You, me, and Jason have to guess. Is that Greenlee, or is that Dan trying to fuck with us and he wrote have to guess is that greenlee or is that dan trying to fuck with us and he wrote his own okay oh shit okay it's so good okay here we go ready bobby just took out a pen that's here we go all right the headline is and the headline alone we could all have fun with i'm sure you could go up at the store tonight if this was a perfect world bobby and do 10 minutes on this headline Woman denied vodka uses vacuum as weapon. We've all been there.

I mean, listen. Yeah, yeah. She's going to take whatever's handy. So wait, is she at a Rite Aid and she tries to take vodka up to the counter? They say no. And then she goes to the vacuum. Do the chores for the drunk you want to be. Not for the sober you are.

That's the right. Okay, here we go. You would use whatever that's in your hand, right? I guess, yeah. I'm always carrying around a samurai sword, so maybe that's what I would use. There we go. Don't deny Bobby his vodka. St. Lucie County.

A woman accused of hitting her boyfriend with part of a vacuum in a drinking dispute got locked up in affidavit states. So you know if it's a fight between a boyfriend or girlfriend and the cops have to enter in, something's gone terribly wrong, right? Right.

You should be able to settle everything between you and your partner, period. You don't need the cops. This woman, this lady, is alleged to have employed part of a vacuum as a weapon during an imbibing imbroglio as it happened on March 20th in Fort Pierce. Vacuum cleaners

are a common tool used in house cleaning. Electric vacuum cleaners have been around for more than a century and involve a motor creating suction that draws dirt, dust and debris from rugs, carpets and... Did you say debris? Debris, yes. Carpets, that's how he wrote it.

Carpets and floors and deposits it in a bag or container. An early pioneer of vacuums is the late... Oh my God. Oh my God. Is the late William Hoover, who in 1908 bought James Murray Spangler's patent for an electric suction sweeper, which became known as the Hoover Vacuum Cleaner,

according to Ohio History Central. Who wanted you to know hoover vacuum cleaner according to ohio history central who wanted you to know what a vacuum cleaner was and some historical facts about how vacuum cleaners came to be was that will greenlee or dan or me daniel vankirk who do you think wrote that you are our guest bobby you can go first second i think i think i think the think there's no way this guy wrote about the history of the vacuum. Bobby? No, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

That is absolutely downright insane. Right, okay. So you're saying Dan. You're saying Dan. I'm saying that Dan about the Hoover and the history and all that stuff is Dan. Okay. Jason?

Unfortunately, Bobby, we have more experience with this than you do. And that doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to say it's Will Greenlee. Okay. I'm going to go with Bobby. I think it's Dan too. Okay. The person who wanted you to know what a vacuum cleaner was, how it works, and how in 1908 it was bought by a patent exchange

between Murray Spangler and the William Hoover Foundation from the Ohio History Central. The person who wrote that fact or facts is Will Greenlee. No! Bobby, stay with us. Bobby, stay with us. Can you believe that that was written in an article? That's a journalistic article.

All that. Can you believe that? That's an article about a fight between a woman and her boyfriend. In a legitimate newspaper. Who couldn't get vodka. It can't be Breitbart or something, right? No, it's not Breitbart. It's legitimate.

This is not legitimate news okay keep going okay i will show you now i will show you now and bobby randy can uh host it up for you to see the next thing in the article is just for fun is a picture of a vacuum cleaner with the words this is hold on this is a vacuum it has no connection to the case whatsoever photo credit to will greenlee so he took a picture of his own vacuum so that everyone would know what one was. Oh, my God. All right. So now I think he's writing because he thinks the people he's writing for are so dumb that they don't know what a vacuum is.

Let me ask you a question. Sure. What region of the country? Florida? Florida. What part of Florida? The Treasure Coast. I think that's the Gulf side, right?

Probably like the Gulf side, right? Treasure Coast feels like Tampa. I'll be honest with you. There's no comedy clubs there probably, so it's like maybe they're just, I don't, you know, maybe that's just, they need that kind of information. You never know. This is his bet. It's a town of mentally challenged people.

Okay. Yeah, look, he's providing us what he considers to be a good service. It's a teaching, this is a teachable moment. Okay. We'll get back into the details of the case at around 1 30 a.m st lucie county sheriff's deputies went to the address on the 13 200 block of orange avenue it's a very high number it's a very high number a man said his girlfriend was drunk and hid him with a piece of a vacuum because he wouldn't let her keep drinking. He said the woman took his keys and drove off in his 2001 Pontiac,

a car brand owned, made, and sold by General Motors until 2010. Popular models of Pontiac cars include Firebird, Trans Am, Grand Am, Bonneville, and most popular, the GTO. Who wanted you to know the history of pontiac cars when they stopped being made and what models they were popular this just got real bobby well i mean now that i know you know i mean that he wrote about the history of the vacuum i would have to say that it's greenly okay jay what do you think i think it's damn because i think greenly would have had more details okay really i think it's i think it's greenly i think it's greenly

i'm with bobby again the person who wanted you to know that the boyfriend said the woman took his keys and drove off in his 2001 pontiac for the record side note full disclosure i my first or second car was a 2001 pontiac grand am. Wow. Our first one was a Pontiac 6000 LE. Maybe you should have put that in the article. That's right. And then wanted you to know, the person who wanted you to know that General Motors made Pontiac until 2010

with the Firebird Trans Am, Grand Am, Bonneville, and GTO, the person who wrote that is me. I knew it. Bobby is now so confused. But here's the thing, Bobby. I'm with you. I screwed, Bobby. I'm with you. I screwed up twice. I'm with you.

No, no, no. I think that, hey, dude, don't go with me. Okay, fine. The next time around, please do not go with me. By the way, that's great advice for life. I feel guilty. No, don't feel guilty. Just go with your brother.

All right, fine. I'll go with whatever. Port St. Louis Sea, by the way, is on the Atlantic Ocean side. It's on Miami, kind of like above Miami West Palm Beach. Treasure Coast. That treasure was coming across the sea. All right. Meanwhile, the man spotted his Pontiac approaching the driveway.

The vehicle sped away, but ultimately stopped. So deputies took the woman in custody. So the cops show up, and then she comes back in the car that she stole, presumably already drunk. Right. Goes into the driveway, says, oh, shit, and then tries to drive away, but then just stops stops. She knew she was caught. The woman said

the argument occurred because she wanted some vodka, an alcoholic beverage made by distilling wheat, rye or potatoes, but her boyfriend wouldn't give it to her. Who wanted you to know what vodka was? Would that be Will Greenlee or Daniel Benz? Now you're in your head. This

is the best game ever all right just give me a second just give me a second um okay i'll reread it to you while you think can you read this read me the sentence again the woman said the argument occurred because she wanted some vodka an alcoholic beverage made by distilling wheat rye or potatoes but her boyfriend wouldn't give it to her. Who wanted you to know what vodka was and how it's made? Will Greenlee or Dan? That has to be you.

That has to be you. That cannot be Greenlee. That's Greenlee. I think it's Greenlee. I'm not just saying that because Bobby chose the other. I know. So my reasoning is that I think it's Dan because there isn't enough description. Like, I feel like it was too short. But I also... Let it be is that I think it's Dan because there isn't enough description. Like, I feel like it was too short. Okay.

But I also... Let it be known that I'm two for two. I'm going to say that's... Don't go with me, dude. I'm not. I'm going to say it's Greenlee. Randy. I'm going to say it's Greenlee.

All right. We're both saying Greenlee and Bobby says Dan. Okay. The person who wanted you to know that vodka is an alcoholic beverage made by distilling wheat, rye, or potatoes, and that the boyfriend wouldn't give her any more of it. The person who wrote that was Will Greenlee.

Bobby, you're 0 for 3. Bobby, do not feel bad. Don't feel bad. Please do not feel bad. I want to tell you a story, Bobby. We did this show live. Bobby's turned away. Come back, Bobby. Come on back. So we did this show live. I need a second. I need a second. Just give me a fucking second. Give me a second. So we did this show live i need a second i need a second just give me a fucking second or just give me a second okay so we did the show live in brooklyn and michael che was after the first two said i figured it out i got it i figured it out he's like i figured out

i totally figured out the pattern i know how to do it we were like there is no way you figured out he's like i got it man i got it i'm telling you i got it and then he proceeded to miss the next three the next three he got my problem though is the fact that why would you do that exactly well i know now you're in dumb people town i mean the history of the vacuum cleaner is one thing right but why would you give the ingredients or the way something is made i mean in terms of... Who is that for, essentially, is what you're asking, which is right. Why do it?

Who let that stay in an article? Either he thinks the people he's writing for are so stupid they don't know what those things are, or he has an assignment to write 1,500 words and this story is only 700 words. No, I think what it is is he took some sort of class. No, he did. When he was in writing class no i'm being real yeah phoenix and he's like going by some sort of like um a structure or or you know a descriptive yes hot yeah i think it's possible that he does it every time he comes

across something he doesn't know oh i don't know maybe oh maybe there's google's maybe google's what's in vodka i should put that in well no but so here's what here's another theory bobby that's also we've been doing this game for a while and he is aware our fans have tweeted at him about us do reading his articles so he's aware so now i feel like he's just doing it for us now he's amping it up so that we can... Maybe he's trying to mess... He still writes one where sometimes they don't have any in them at all. Okay.

So it is just insane that he's all over the map. There is no pattern. That's why this is the most fun game. And Dan is so good at it. The last time we played this game was at Largo with Will Arnett and Paul F. Tompkins and Colin Hay. And obviously the three of us. Never heard of them. Every single one of them was Greenlee.

There was none that were me. Dan did one where all of it. I know. Do you understand the diabolical nature of that? Yeah, then there was another time we did it where all of them were Dan. Can you spell his name? Is it Greenlee? Green-L-E-E-N-L-E-I-E-N.

Yeah, four E's. L-E-E. So it's G-R-E-E-N-L-E-E. Yeah. His name is Fred? Will. Will. W-I-L-L. Will Greenlee G-R-E-E-N-L-E-E. Yeah. His name is Fred? Will. Will. W-I-L-L.

Will Greenlee. All right. You'll look him up. She denied taking his vehicle or hitting him with the vacuum, but she said she did punch him in the eye, a part of the body found on the head, and they usually come in twos. Okay. All right. I swear to God. No, I'm being real. I i'm being real is that greenlee or daniel van

if fred green will greenlee wrote that yeah right yeah i i might relapse okay but just so you know we can't be the reason you relapsed. Last year, he did an article where he told us what the various fingers were. The index finger and the middle finger. And then he described in detail what giving the bird means to somebody and what finger you use.

Okay, Bobby. It's up to you. That's not him. That's not Will Greenland. You think it's Dan. I'm going to say that's That's not him. That's not him. That's not Will Greenlee. That's Dan. Okay. All right, Jay. You think it's Dan. I'm going to say that's Will Greenlee.

Okay. I think it's Greenlee, too, and I'm only following Bobby Lee's advice not to follow his advice. The person who said that she denied taking the vehicle and hitting with the vacuum, but did say she punched him in the eye, a body part found on the head and they usually come in twos. Usually come in twos. That was written by... Well, there are pirates. I know a couple of pirates. One-eyed Willie, maybe. Cyclops. That was written by me.

Oh, Bobby! On the board. Okay. Andy, dude, that one was a blow for your sobriety. There you go. Jesus Christ. He's back. He's back.

He's back. He's back. Investigators found part of the vacuum in the road, a place commonly reserved for cars and parades. Investigators found part of a vacuum in the road, a place commonly reserved for cars and parades. Why parades with cars? All right.

So who is that, Bobby? He's digging deep. He says, on the road, usually reserved for cars and parades. Yeah. Like, is it mopeds, motorcycles? They don't go before parades? Cars and parades. Not in Florida, they don't. Skateboards would go. The Treasure Coast, it goes cars, parades. Cars go before parades cars and parades not in florida they don't parade

skateboards the treasure coast it goes cars then parades then every unicycles then everything then bird scooters um i mean that would have to be that would have to be you okay it can't be it cannot be will green jay who do you think it is i think it's greenly because parade is such a weird second choice i think it's Dan because Dan loves parades. And he simultaneously hates parades. But it's definitely like in Dan's consciousness. Investigators found part of a vacuum in the road, a place commonly reserved for cars and parades.

That was written by me. Yeah! Oh, Bobby. You're back. Dude, you're back. I'm back. You You're back. Dude, you're back. I'm back. You're so back. The woman was jailed

on charges of battery and grand theft. Just for fun, we will get out on this. How old do you think the lady who wanted more vodka and hit her boyfriend

with a piece of a vacuum cleaner before running off in a 2001 Pontiac, which was made by General Motors until 2010? How old do you think that woman 2010. How old do you think that woman was? How old do you think this gal is?

Knowing what we now know about her. Everything you've learned in this story. How old do you think she is? If you're fighting at 1.30 at night and using a vacuum cleaner as a weapon because you want more vodka. It's not fair. Can we do decades, like either

20 to 30? 30 to 40? No, no. Put a year in. Put a year on it. You have nothing to lose. You have nothing to lose. So what year was she born? No, just how old is she?

Give us your gut. She has to be, I'm going to say 45. Okay, good. I kind of like where you're thinking, Jay. I say 57. 57. I was going to say older, too. I think this has all you're thinking, Jay. I say 57. 57. I was going to say older, too. I think this has all the trappings of I'm an older guy.

I don't think young people own vacuum cleaners. I think she's 52. Okay, so 52 from Randy. 45 from Bobby. 57 for Jay. Okay. The woman who used a vacuum cleaner as a weapon, stole a pony at Grand Am,

got in a fight, punching one of her boyfriend's two eyes, usually, is 32 years old. Wow, Bobby. You win. Nice. You finished strong.

That's story number one, guys. You finished strong. Okay, so we're going to take a little break. When we come back, more with Bobby Lee on Dumb People Town. This is so much fun. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town. This is so much fun. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We've got Bobby Lee, who is a fantastic comedian. He has a great podcast. Tell people about your podcast. Tell people our fans can start following and listening. Well, I have two podcasts. You have two?

I have one i have one called tiger belly and that's with me and my um girlfriend and we do it from my house and i have another podcast called bad friends and that's with uh andrew santino love him love him that's great so i've been you know i love i love your podcast and i also like watching the clips on i thank you for putting clips up of your stuff on instagram and stuff there it's so good it's so funny you are one of the funniest people we know you're one of our first comedy friends here especially at the comedy store oh my god can i say something i i'm gonna say some memories yeah please do you remember when we were there

back in the day when you guys became regulars how how shitty that club was. The worst. 99, are you joking? 99, 2000, 2002, 2003. It had all the remnants of the hangers-on of Kinison's crew, and he had long been dead, and it was like nobody was even talented. And you guys, I'm going to be honest with you, you guys

pulled me aside one night, and you guys, no one used to give you advice, right? but you guys gave me such great advice you know what you know you know what that was what was it you guys go hey um i think it would be it would better suit you if you were a little bit more real yeah and you talked about more real things right because at that time i so, like, I didn't know what my voice was, and I was just trying to do different, other people's acts and personas,

and I just didn't know who I was. And when you guys said that, that night, I said, I want you guys to die. I mean, I'm dying. That's real. That's your real feeling. I prayed.

I prayed. I go, I can kill those guys. But then over the time, that really sunk in. Honestly, that really sunk in. And over the years, I was able to really just, I'm just grateful for that advice because I took it. Can I finish that story and say the last time I saw you performing at the comedy store, I stood in the back and watched you perform and I laughed my

ass off and I'm like, I love how real he is. Not even remembering what that is. I was like, I love how he is like talking with such honesty about literal stuff that is going on in his life. I'm like he is doing it in such a funny way. The truth

and your truth is so compelling. And so I. Your truth is so compelling. I think that's what we meant. I think what we meant is like, we love hanging out with you and you're so funny when we're hanging out and then you go up on stage and you're not being the thing that you were

when just the three of us are goofing around and being stupid. And so we're like, do this up there. Yeah. Because that's where I was. I have to also say that, I don't know why,

but you guys are the only guys that when I see you on TV or I see you in a commercial or whatever it might be, I don't feel jealous. No, honestly, I'm always like, there are some people who are all right by a billboard and just being arranged. You know what I mean? Sure. I'll like drive by a billboard and just be in a rage. You know what I mean? But you guys, I'm so happy because you guys are so talented and so nice. Anyway. Well, okay. So for this, thank you for that. And this podcast, I think this is why we get along so well with Dan is that we believe that it's a community.

And so, look, if we have to be in this shitty business, we might as well be friends with the people that we're in this thing with. And we'll root for our friends because there's nothing better than seeing you in something. There's nothing better than walking in the comedy store and seeing your name on the list and then getting to watch your set. We're like, we better enjoy it. I mean, we could hate it or we could enjoy it. And so, like, that's really the tack that we take. Can I just ask you guys a real quick question? Sure. How are you guys, how do you feel about the state of comedy now in quarantine?

And when we'll get back to doing things, what's your prediction? That's a great question. I mean, all three of us are guys who, we do the road, Dan does the road. And so that's a major hit you know a major uh hit to our you know what how we make our money so and when it comes back a lot of the comedy clubs that we love probably won't be back in business oh wow they may take a time to get back to business and

so there's only like a handful of people who sell out comedy clubs that will be firing vying for the small spots that are out there. I think it's going to be hard. I think it may take like a year for it to sort of start to repopulate and come back. And then once people can gather and we all have a vaccine, I'm talking like next summer, okay, maybe a year from this summer, I think it's going to get back to normal in that way. The beauty is that we've started to book doing this podcast live, which it's so much fun to do live that that may carry us through. Yeah, we may just try to do this in theaters

and hold on the standup touring. But I mean, I miss it. We love it. I love driving up to the store and seeing you in the parking lot and just being like hanging out and gagging around with you. That's like a joy of all joys.

And we have so many friends at the store that are like that. Yeah, my agent the other day called me. You know, I'm with CAA. And they said. Name drop. And he said, it looks like you'll be back on the road in 2021. Yeah. I mean, and we have to just understand that that's the truth and so you got to work on it

so that i mean i literally i didn't cry but i think i went through a pretty deep depression yeah yeah that's when they're rescheduling stuff for us or trying to we'll see i mean yeah but when we come you know we have to be mindful about what other people are going through as well you know we are we're lucky we're the lucky ones yeah you know and we have to be empathetic and um we have to figure out um we got to help others and just you know i mean you know whenever i feel down about my own situation i have to just think to myself just you're you're in a great place in life and i mean i worked hard to get here totally of course but you'll come out on the other side.

This is what I believe. It's almost like the steroid era with baseball. All the guys who would have gotten the Hall of Fame should already be in the Hall of Fame. I think you are a Hall of Fame comic. I think you will come out on the other side of this. And people who love you or who will continue to consume what you make over the time that we're not allowed to go on the road they will be so excited when you're like hey i just announced my spring 2021 dates and i bet all those shows will sell out like before you get there and i think that's the kind of thing that that's making me hopeful because i think people do miss as much as we miss going and doing

comedy i think our fans and people who want to see us are just hungering for us to come to their town. But we get to do this. This is so cool. Look, we're creating comedy with you on this podcast. And so that still gives us joy. And so should we jump into another story? Let's do it.

Let's do it. We got Bobby Lee here. Come on. It was sent in. I got to give credit. It was sent in to our man, Jake Groney. Groney, Groney, Groney, at Jake Groney, G-R-O-N-I-E. But also, at almost the exact same time,

it was sent in by Casey Brooks, at K-C-N-O-M-N-O-M. So Casey, no, no. Thank you to our fans for sending this out. Yeah, and you can send me any story that you think fits the criteria for this show. Just go to at Daniel Van Kirk on Twitter, hashtag Dump People Town. Okay, Eugene Organ, my friends. show just go to at daniel van kirk on twitter hashtag dump people town okay eugene oregon my

friends a raging fire broke out late last night i assume when they were writing this at the u-haul on river road but police say the story behind how the fire got started is even flashier than the flames themselves i hate when the headline yeah i mean i i can't make an assumption already please eugene oregon yep u-haul yeah late at night yes math there you go there it is let's dig in sergeant stats same name backwards and forwards there you go statsy sergeant stats with the eugene police department said this all started with a dispute between a man and a woman in the U-Haul parking lot. Oh my God.

What the next sentence I'm about to read is just enough if it was this. Stotz said the man was in a vehicle and threw a lit firework at the woman standing outside the vehicle while she ducked for cover. The firework burst into sparks and the man drove away. They don't say they know each other. They don't say that they were there together. Who is that? That is your first go-to in your fight

is not to yell at someone for whatever they did wrong. Look, she took his parking space. I throw M80s and stuff at my girlfriend all the time. Hey, babe, come on. We're going down to the U-Haul parking lot. I'm going to throw some fireworks at you. Come on. We did that thing for you.

Do this for me. It's my special thing. I feel like if it wasn't illegal in California, there would be more stories like that here, right? There's plenty of people across this country. Like, fireworks is their love language. Yeah. I'm going to throw this at you. Because I love you, honey.

But who knows if these people even... I don't even know if they knew. Maybe he was a john and she was a prostitute. I have no idea. That's his fetish. Then it actually becomes what goes on in U-Haul parking lots when the place is closed. Or maybe he's trying to recreate the scene from Boogie Nights.

He's like, look, I'm Alfred Molina. Sister Christian all the time. No, Alfred Molina wasn't throwing the fireworks. It was the other guy. Thomas Jane. Okay, so sparks from the fireworks flew near the...

Okay, I almost skipped a fun thing. Okay, here's how it started. So the man throws a firework at the woman. She ducks, she ducks and runs away. Then he drives away unbeknownst to the man and woman. A thief was underneath one of the U halls trying

to steal gas. What try to steal? This is like the opening to Magnolia. This is like this is like the opening to cannibal run for is like the opening to Cannonball Run 4. Bobby, if you wrote this script and you're like, they all come together at this U-Haul parking lot, the note back would be like, it's too convenient. This is just way too

convenient. Yeah, but the foundation is still meth, I believe. Right? You might be right. Underneath the fucking ceiling. Late at night. So now, paint the picture broader. Step back from it. you might be right underneath the fucking late at night that's right that's right so now so now paint the picture broader look at step back from it you have a man who does not know this woman

throwing a firework at her in a u-haul parking lot in the middle of the night and then back up a little farther there's just some random guy stealing gas under a truck out from under one of these trucks and all of a sudden fireworks start getting thrown at him oh my god yeah no one even knows he's there imagine the guy underneath there and thinking of all the bad things that could happen like i hope i don't get caught i hope nobody drives by or sees me down here fireworks is the last thing it's not even on his list of things or that's the or that's the moment when he like suddenly believes in god like he's like oh this was sent that's a sign this was a sign to punish me for god doesn't want me to do this sparks from the fireworks flew near the gasoline and four of the u-haul trucks burst into flames oh my god oh my god

with the thief catching fire as well no the accidental vigilante. You're in hell, baby. This is like a Pink Floyd album cover. The gasoline thief and the woman both ran away from the scene. I hope they don't know each other either. She's running for her life, and all of a sudden, there's a guy on fire running next to you out from under a truck. Right. Yeah, I know.

Imagine this woman. She just turns back, and there's a guy on fire behind her. This feels like a Theo theo von or like ron white story where they're like there's a part of this i haven't told you yet uh the gasoline thief and the woman both ran away from the scene with the thief running away with his pants and sleeve on fire oh my god as he's running yes geez what was that music video where the person's just running on that was a bjork video video, I believe, right? Wasn't there a Bjork video? Why do you think I know anything about Bjork, bro? The whole thing was shot side-scrolling, like left to right,

with a guy just on fire running. And we have people who listen to this show that are screaming at their iPads. You're very Bjorky. And their iPod Ones. Okay, which Jason recently found his. All right, police said once they arrived the owner of the u-haul showed up so now we have another character another guy this guy shows up i hope

he was just driving he was getting milk from like walmart yeah and he just sees four of his u-haul trucks on oh my god he shows up and was able to pull security footage which which depicted the scene described above sergeant stats or stats, said the footage was clear enough for them to see the license plate of the man who threw the firework, and they were able to arrest the man at his home nearby before the fire was completely cleared. Little pat on the back for themselves. He's been charged with reckless endangering, criminal mischief,

and I believe those are it for right now, says Stotz. Is it the band Wax? Yes. The song Southern California, and the video was by Spike Jonze. Yes. There we go. Oh, there we go. Now I can sleep tonight.

Now I can sleep under a U-Haul tonight. As for the gasoline thief, police were not able to locate him. He's still out there running through the embers. Just try to find the guy that looks like Deadpool. Yes. That's right. You're the guy that looks like Ghost Rider? Find that guy.

This is a part I love. They did speak to the woman who the man threw the firework at, but police said she did not want to be involved further in the investigation. Is that how you get out of being charged with anything? You're just like, oh, I don't want to be involved. I'm out. I quit. I quit this game. Time out. I'm out of this investigation. Is that how you get out of being charged with anything? You're just like, oh, I don't want to be involved. I quit. I quit this game. Right. Time out. I'm out of this

investigation. I'm out of this investigation. This is too much work for me because she if she's not with the guy through the firework, she probably was lookout for the guy stealing gasoline. Okay. By the way, she just get to there is something about this that makes me long for the time when we could all gather together.

That's what they were doing. Like I miss these times when you could throw a firecracker at a woman. That's what you need to tweet out. You could throw a firecracker at a woman, it could land on a U-Haul truck, glide it on fire, and a thief from underneath the truck could run away on fire too. I mean, the good old days. Two of the U-Haul vehicles were a total loss out of the four that caught on fire.

And that is story number two. Oh, my God. This is crazy. Dan, can you give us a little tease before we go into break of what we're going to see in segment three? It's harmless, but this is a very all-time dumb person. Okay, so all-time dumb. In one way. Maybe not her whole life, but just this one instance.

We're going to find out. The great Bobby Lee is with us. We have one more quick segment. We'll be back with more D people town right after this stick around make it sound there's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to dumb people town we got bobby lee with us how can people follow you on instagram and twitter let them know oh i'm at bobby lee live on both instagram and twitter as well thank you we are following you and we love it uh and you guys do so and check out both of Oh, I'm at Bobby Lee Live on both Instagram and Twitter as well. Thank you.

We are following you, and we love it. And you guys should too. Do so and check out both of your podcasts. They are fantastic, and you are fantastic. So thank you for doing what you do, especially in this time. People often ask us in this time, what else are you listening to? What are you enjoying so that people have more time these days? They have more time to kill. They don't want to be around their families.

They don't want to be around their partners. They don't want to be around their partners. They want to put earbuds in and just check out. Listen to Bobby Lee's podcast. I totally agree. Okay, you guys ready? Last story. Let's do it. Let's do it.

All right. This was sent in by Galen Murray, at, in Galen she ad. Okay, thank you. Galen we trust. Appreciate it. Yeah, here we go. Woman discovers,

I'm going to give it to you right away, and then we it. Yeah, here we go. Woman discovers, I'm going to give it to you right away and then we're going to play a little game. Woman discovers bar of soap she's been washing her hands with is actually block of cheese. She had to have been saying, this is really not getting any cleaner. I'm not getting any cleaner at all.

Yeah. What if that was the thing that gets you the cleanest? But Dan, who is reporting this news? Oh, this comes to us from irishpost.com irishspring.com This is from irishspring.com

No, but wait, here's what's so funny. It's like, how slow was the news day that they had to pull this out onto the front page? I know. Yeah, this beat out Corona news. Mm-hmm. All right, so a woman who thinks she's washing her soap turns out it's true. Emily from Vancouver, Washington, thought she was doing her bit to stop the spread of

coronavirus by thoroughly washing her hands with soap. stop the spread of coronavirus by thoroughly washing her hands with soap. Unfortunately, she instead succeeded in spreading some rather mature-looking cheddar on her hands over the course of how many days? Okay. Now. Okay. Okay. Number one.

Number one. I'm just going to say this. Number one. Yeah. I have made mistakes like that before in my life. Okay. Okay. I brushed my teeth with bengay or

whatever right because i didn't look at that you know the tube labeling right yes but how do you get that to a news organization it's unreal you probably put it on reddit why would you if you lost your hand why would you call you call the news and be like you guys aren't gonna believe what i did why are you telling me yes you just leave that. It's a victimless crime. A little shameful moment. Yes. Right. And you just don't ever talk about it again.

We all have things that we've done that are incredibly dumb. And then we look around really quick to see if anybody saw it. Then we live in our own personal shame for a second about it. And then we realize it's done. You let it go. You move on. Yeah. This is crazy.

So she reports. So how many days? How many days do you think she washed her hands with cheddar cheese i i i still believe in humanity and i i just i just would have to say i would have to say one fucking day one day jay how many days god you believe in her so much bobby uh i'm gonna say four days okay i'm gonna say 10 days that she washed with this she's like this soap is actually really it it's so good. It's just, it stays on you.

And the more I wash it, none of it's coming off. It's not even shrinking. The more I wash it, I smell more like cheese. Why are the mice going after the soap? Okay. Yeah. Oh, my God. How many days?

One of you is exactly right. Oh. So now, Bobby, we get to play the game. Who do you think is exactly right? Do you think it's you? Do you think it's Jay? One, four, ten. Who do you think? I don't know, man. You finished strong. I think it's got to be

Jason. Jay with four. I think I'm right with four. I think I'm right with ten. Okay. All right. It says here. No way, ten. It says here that she ended up washing her hands with cheese over the course of multiple times a day. One time.

The next time you come back, you'll be like, something ain't right. Right. Multiple times a day over the course of four days. Wow. You're right. Thank you. You got a piece of it, Bobby. Thank you.

Bobby has finished this so strongly. Full disclosure, they said several. So I googled what is the most popular option number for several. And the answer that came back was four. Once you get to five to seven, they start considering that a handful. So they didn't give us a specific, but I went with several. Few is usually three. Obviously, a couple is two.

But it's definitely. I know what happened. I know what happened. What happened was she lives with somebody else and she got caught yeah that can be a self-realization no right her boyfriend has to go what the fuck are you doing jeez i'm literally calling the news so you never do this yeah or they put it somehow it went viral somehow and somehow they went viral and then some news organization aka the the Irish Post, said they needed a and finally tonight type of story.

This is their squirrel water scheme story. That's my guess. This guy posted on Facebook, hey, look at what my dumb girlfriend's been washing her hands with. Actually, we were both right, and your incredulousness at her was correct. It says here, sharing her own tale on Reddit. So she told everybody herself and it was on Reddit.

On Reddit. Yes. Oh, my God. Miley explained how the cheese ended up being mistaken for a bit of soap after it was left out of the fridge following a drunken late night snack. There we go. Does that mean she ate the soap? You know, this story wouldn't be as bad if I knew what kind of cheese. Cheddar.

Cheddar, baby. Oh, it's cheddar. Because if it was gorgonzola. I know. Can you imagine if it was a stilton? Every time I wash my hand, it crumbles up. It's a blue cheese crumble. What is she doing?

It's terrible. Waking the next morning after her drunken late night snack, she assumed that the lump was the remnants of a bar of soap. She also was keen to stress that she does not actually keep a bar of yellow unscented soap nearby for such use with the two... She does not. Oh, she does. I'm sorry.

She does actually keep a bar of yellow unscented soap nearby for such use with the two getting mixed up. So she had something similar. But was it there? Where did that go? Where did that go? This is when somebody gets haunted and they're too dumb to realize they're being haunted. Things are missing from their house.

And then the ghost just gives up. They're like, fuck it. My guess is that she ate the other soap with some Triscuits. They're just like eating plastic fruit. It looks like grapes. They look good. She wrote on Reddit,

quote, just realized my soap wasn't working because it's literally a block of cheese. I use liquid soap for dishes. Bar soap like this is gentler on my hands after I do chores, if that makes any sense. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. After a few days, she was like, why isn't this foaming?

Investigate the problem. Smell it. Oh my God. Smell it. Right. You talked about therapy. Sometimes look inward to see if you are your own problem as to why things aren't working out. Don't just assume that that's how life is supposed to be.

Right. Yeah. I guess I got one that doesn't foam. I came to realize it was a dried out square of Tillamook sharp cheddar cheese. Tillamook? Yes. You're very good cheese, though. She says it is very good cheese.

Speaking of Oregon. I'm more of a Merck's man myself, but I suspect I left it out when I was intoxicated and just forgot. People were quick to comment on the major handwashing mishap and the most obvious question. One asked, but does this mean have you been eating mac and soap for the entire week hilarious another person said does this mean that you put the soap in the fridge because that yeah where would the soap that's what i said she did she probably put the soap in the fridge and then she included a photo which we will put on the dumb people town it's exactly what you imagine it to be someone says to be fair that cheese does look like a lot of soap

all right so if you haven't joined our Facebook page, join it so you can see what the soap looks like. Is that a show? That is a show. It does kind of look like cheese. What a dummy. Bobby Lee, you're the best. We love seeing you.

You make us happy in the time of quarantine. I'm so happy that we have a friendship that's 20 years old already. Honestly, guys, I mean, I honestly, I want to be more, have a friendship that's uh 20 years old already and it'll honestly guys i mean i i honestly um i want to be more um i want to connect with you guys more so let's truly i i'm really willing to do that and also always call me about and vice versa i'll call you guys and um i i want you guys to be safe and um healthy and i love you guys so fucking much we love you too man you're the best

and i can't wait for our fans to hear this episode because it's hilarious it drops on Tuesday we'll let you know all about it we will and we'll check out all your stuff too and our fans will as well and oh shit we gotta get back to work Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb