Dumb People Town - Bobby Moynihan - Love Bites

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

Actor and improvisor Bobby Moynihan (Unfrosted on Netflix) stops by as Daniel describes a Florida man that asked to drink a beer during his arrest, Randy explains how a DIY bumper created a bomb scare, and Jason warns against receiving postcards from your former girlfriends, including ones from 60 years ago, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: BetterHelp! Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month.

Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-hosts Arne and Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound When you're down, it's Dump People Town This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

When life goes so fast, it's important to take a moment to celebrate your wins. And you should also make adjustments for the rest of the year and therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months take a moment visit betterhelp.com slash dpt today get 10 off your first month that's betterhelp.com slash dpt hey toddies welcome to another episode of dumb people town population population morning bobby morning we are so happy to have you hi we like a fanfare at the beginning i was very fanfaring we pop it up we get it out there we're fan furious over here bobby or anybody else new we get three dumb stories sent in by our fans and then we all just make fun of what happened yes it's all just trying to understand we've all got a steering

wheel in an effort to understand what is going on and why the world is getting dumber so uh we're gonna jump into this let's do it then we're gonna get into on frost we'll get into all the stuff you're doing uh and then your unboxing series oh were you in frosted? No. Was it? I don't know. I'm just, I like. You look genuinely scared. Oh, God, I was. I was scared. Did I do that wrong? That was a perfect. I want you to do that again.

Great plug. When we come back. Great plug. That's right up there with my. That's a good plug. Bringing up someone with the wrong name. Like, even when it's friends of mine, I've been known to like, like if we're tag teaming, I'm like, say your name to me.

And they're like, dude, we know each other. I go, I just need this for the anxiety that I have. The bit that we were doing, that Randy was doing with Fred Armisen at Montreal, which was us like having a conversation and loudly being like, who is this person? Who is he? Do you know who he is? Do you know who this person is? I think so.

This person right here. I have no idea. Do you know who this is? No better bit who this person is? I think so. This person right here. I have no idea. Do you know who this is? No better bit than a Fred Armisen bit. That bit we took so far. My favorite Fred Armisen bit is they would start the countdown, like the five second countdown for SNL. They'd go, five seconds!

And Fred would go, I can't see! I can't see! I can't see! And like 15 people would panic. Scramming. Genuinely panicking. And then like, he would panic. Scrambling. Genuinely panic. Scrambling. And then like he would just go on live television. It was genuine. Why can't you see?

Like that's the other thing. It's like what is making your vision is gone. It's the best. Genuine concern. Instant blindness. I love this story. Who is he? I don't know who that is.

I don't know who this person is. But he's here. Should we ask? Did anybody ever write that for the table read? Guy who suddenly can't see? Oh, I'm sure. I mean, every one of them. He would get up to go to the good nights.

He would get to the step. It's one step. And he would go like. Okay. Like it was. Like an escalator. He would psych himself up to take one step up. It's constant bits.

It was my favorite one. All right, you ready? Yeah. Sent in by Nick Bowes, at ChefNick80. Take a bow. Thanks so much, Nick. Thank you, Chef. This is what the story sent in.

Thank you, Chef, is from the bear. Yeah. Thank you. And every restaurant. Okay, except for Subway. Okay, here we go. And the Muppets. You ever say that at the end when they finish your sandwich?

Do you ever go, thank you, Chef? No, I say thank you. I'm going to. I do it all the time. You know what I like to do is when I go on the Transformers ride at Universal Studios, I like to stop and say thank you for your service. You know what I say at Subway? I say thank you, artist.

That's what they are. At Chipotle, when they hand me the bag, they're like, have a good day. And I go, thank you, chef. And you always get a little hug. But technically. they are at chipotle when they hand me the bag like have a good day and i go thank you chef and you always get a little hot but technically and then you and then dan says and i'm just gonna take all these little hot sauces are you cool with that i'm gonna get the whole bottle i mean i can pour the whole thing into a container what do you want me to do here i'm gonna take it okay here we go this is so that you could pitch this as a sketch let's hear it headline alone florida man asks police if he can drink beer during his arrest.

Nothing wrong with that. You got to loosen him up. The hubris. I'm going down anyway. It's just beer. It's not meth. I'm not driving while I'm doing my arrest. Look, you're going to have to fill out a whole bunch of paperwork.

Can I at least have a beer while we do this? Don't you feel like this happens hundreds of thousands of times a day and there's no articles about it? Yes. Which is why Florida's Florida. They make everything public knowledge. That's why everything everything comes out you have the right to remain silent like that wasn't me that was the can to me i think it happened to bobby's point i think it happened so much that they're like can i drink a beer while you're trying to arrest me cop opens

up his trunk and it's like ice oh yeah dazed and confused drunk ice and just 80 beers but ice like like i thought you say it happens so much like music yeah yeah it subs in the back i thought you said it happened so much that the cops get to the point where they're like what beer yeah like they have a preference on whether or not i like something smooth with not a lot of bite port orange florida no idea where that's at in the state have you tried a port orange jail it's unbelievable i bet that exists it does a florida man who was wearing sunglasses at night now if you're gonna write that into the article that's some of your personal feelings about this right that's a choice talk about not being able to see do we need this detail in here it's you're over 500 words debbie i want it put it in i want

it put it in a florida man who was wearing sunglasses at night asked officers to let him crack open another cold one shortly before he was arrested i think it all makes him sound more fun yeah also like if someone in any situation if's like, can I just have a beer before we do this? You do feel some kind of feeling. You gotta calm down a little bit. It's like Johnny Sack at his wedding in Sopranos. It's like, can I just, can you give me a minute? Can I just have a little bit?

Our Johnny Sack story. We've told this like so many times. I don't think we told it on this. I don't know it. I don't think. So we were in D I don't know it. I don't think. So we were in D.C. doing shows. I forget what it was. It was the week that there was the Sopranos finale.

Or like two episodes left. So we're talking like 2007, 2008. And the Sopranos was a TV show? You motherfucker. It's like on Frosted. What? So I don't know. It wasn't that long ago.

I think it might have been a little bit later either way we're we're in dc and we're driving to like baltimore to do radio the the club is taking us or whatever and we're listening to what's on the radio station before we're coming on and they're interviewing an actor who played johnny say and i thought this guy was like an incredible actor i'm like weird what juilliard program did he come from that caused him to like, because he's just so smooth. I mean, Gandolfini was like that. Gandolfini was just a tremendous actor, period. He also just happened to be perfect for that role.

And he's intimidating. And I just particularly loved every acting choice this guy made. I'm like, he's definitely, like, classically trained Shakespearean. Like, he probably spent years in London trying to figure this stuff out. If someone told me that the guy had, like, an act, he was from Australia, I'd be like, alright, this guy's incredible.

So then they ask him, what is your process? Which is the question that I wanted to hear more than anything. This is what he said, and Jay and I almost drove off the road. What did he say? He said, I don't know. I literally wait for the person in front of me

to stop talking, and then I don't even listen to them, and then I do my line. You don't even listen to them? How are you this engaged? How are you this good? I don't even care what they're saying. I don't even listen to them.

He's like, just Italian. He's like, half the time, I don't know what they're saying. I don't even listen to them. He's like, just Italian. He's like, half the time, I don't know if they're filming. I just thought we were at a wedding. I mean, Jay and I were like, what? I went to an open audition for The Sopranos once, and who auditioned right in front of me was Beetlejuice from Howard Stern. No. We were in a movie with Beetlejuice.

Congrats. A long, long time ago. We did the Jake Gyllenhaal movie, Bubble Boy. We were in the thing, and he was in there, and I just remember like, Beetlejuice and Vern Trudeau. How'd the audition go? And we were like, can we get them to fight? Or can we get him to sit on his lap?

Randy. How'd the audition go? Yeah.R. Plank's Siamese. Not well. No, it did not go well. Fair enough. How do you think it went? It wasn't even like, it was like they held an open audition and just like Staten Island and Beetlejuice showed up.

For sure. Well, I feel like you guys showed up. I feel like if he did just- It was just thousands and thousands of people in chaos. And Beetlejuice, he was wearing a cape. God, I wish she had bought it. Of course. I wish she had booked it.

I would love for him to come out of the audition. And you just look at him. He was originally Johnny Sack, Beetlejuice. You're like, how did it? They were like, too much. His process is, don't ask him. It takes more effort. Randy, what are you losing?

How did it go? And then he's like pretty good and then he just flies away with the game i would love that you'd be like just ascends it's like a balloon with helium in it that just gets released flies around the city where's he going to a better so the dude asked the cop can i can i crack a cold one before you arrest me the man had allegedly fired a gun during a dispute with a neighbor the port orange police department said officers responded to a dispute between neighbors shortly before what time on tuesday just for fun when do you feel like this is going down guy wants another drink argued argued with his neighbor he

didn't shoot it at the neighbor i don't think this is like i mean normally this should be a 10 p.m argument about like a noise oh i'm not saying because it's peculiar i just i think it is like a... I mean, normally this should be a 10 p.m. argument about like, hey, this is going to... Oh, I'm not saying because it's peculiar. I just thought it would be fun. I think it's 11 a.m. Okay. Right? 6.19.

Love it. P.M. or a.m.? A.m. A.m. I'm going to say 6 p.m. 9 p.m. on a Tuesday. Okay, there you go. Body cam video shared by the police department shows the complaining neighbor, this is the

one who's mad, alleging that the beer drinking neighbor drove neighbor drove by earlier opening his window and said he was gonna shoot me at that moment a shot can be heard in the area so he just did like a little office pop you see what i mean the complaining neighbor said the several neighbors were outside at the time of the shot officers how did he drive by and do it like slow and just oh i hope it's too fast no i hope to factory's like what is that gonna show you slow down if you're gonna yell so I showed my daughter there

was across my tiktok feed came the mr. microphone commercial I don't know if you're probably not old I remember where like these two guys in a convertible have the mr. microphone it's like the first time anyone's ever heard their voices amplified. Isn't this weirdly problematic with women?

Oh, yeah. He drives by and he's like, hey, good looking. Be back to pick you up in a few minutes. I'm like, no, you're not. There's a whole porn genre built around this commercial. I would love it if he had a Mr. Microphone. Sure. I'll be back to shoot you in a few minutes.

Yes. Here's the weird thing. The shot goes off while the cop was responding to the guy just saying my neighbor came by earlier and said he was going to shoot me and while they're saying that they just hear a gunshot so then he goes you see what i mean that what what a power move for the person to the cops look at huh i'm not officers follow the sound and found the suspect this name brett mcpeak he mcpeaked in high school i want to say he mcpeaked when he worked at mcdonald's have you guys had the mcpeak it's seasonal is it seasonal but it's so

much it shouldn't it shouldn't be that good you gotta ask for sherpa sauce and no you gotta ask for sure it's a seasonal dessert with pickles you go no pickles. I don't know why they tested it with pickles. McDonald's is doing seasonal desserts. Dan, by the way, way off topic. I remember when the McPeak was a dollar. Dan, way off topic. We all do. You know that In-N-Out has a chicken sandwich off menu.

That's impossible. Not impossible. Secret menu chicken and onion rings. Where's the chicken come from? I don't know. The garbage. I was going to say Raising Cane's. Where's the chicken come from? I don't know. The garbage. I was going to say Raising Cane's.

There's no way. Dad? You've ordered it. No, I saw a thing on it, and then I checked with my 15-year-old son because he's the authority on that, and he said yes. I don't know if I could ever order off a secret menu for fear

that I would be like, give me the chicken sandwich, and be like... Then like drugs come into your bag? No, that they would just look at me the chicken sandwich and be like then like drugs come into your bag no that they would just look at me like what are you talking about like you did to him on Uncensored I don't want to walk into that situation

and people know you so like there's a moment where that becomes the story they tell I can always just tell them I'm Artie Lang and get over it dude you are playing Artie Lang in the Artie Lang story you're going to need a ton of plastic surgery just a little your nose is gonna have to cave in brett mcpeak so they go to brett mcpeak's house he's outside in front of his residence of course a woman can be heard saying that's him i'm telling

you an officer directs mcpeak i love the woman in the background not coming out of the house there he is yep an officer directs mcpeak to show his hands and stay where he is to which mcpeak replies quote two beers i'm cracking this beer okay now he did ask he didn't he said okay this beer okay mark question mark no that's like also if you hold the beer in front of you are showing your hands yeah this is both but to ask so we get mad at our son sometimes when he's like, I'm going out on Friday, okay? I'm like, you're not asking. You're not really asking.

You're saying what you're doing, and then you're at the end. Seeking for validation. Yeah, you want to validate it. So he didn't really say, would it be okay if I cracked it, right? Right, no. He didn't really ask. I'm doing it already. This is the next statement that comes.

I'm sorry if this upsets you right right i'm sorry if you're upset you can't handle this if this bums you out right i'm sorry that you get bummed out by things like this now it's on yeah let me know my side of the street is clean right the officer asked mcpeak if he has any firearms he says no the officer asked if there are firearms inside the house he says yes speaking over the radio the officer said mcpeak has two beers in his hand now two that's pushing it are you going the finger i can't remember the last time i did that in my life a double open while you're holding it in the air yeah that's and flip them catch them and pour both yeah that's called stone colding it that's double streaming it yeah yeah so that's called

so hell yeah you take them both time all right get them ducats pop them son of a bitches for the working man uh-huh what so sorry i couldn't shotgunning is you stick a pen i'm glad you did this is a double barrel shotgun uh-huh that's right vince Speaking of double barrel, who's sponsoring this podcast? What? I hope Faraday. The officer, okay, he says, okay, here's your response. So he's got the beers in each hand. Then he says, this beer is cold, sir, and I want to drink it. Come check me. The officer declined, and McPeak said, well, I'm going to drink this beer if that's cool.

It's not cool. No one said it was cool. Right. You're now just putting words in people's you don't need my hands to pat me down is what i think he's trying how could i anytime anybody who's done something wrong house canned right applies their logic to it how could i get to this knife from over here well imagine how how much easier it would be to arrest people though if if they were just like, get, have a beer.

Just sit over there. It's the Doritos thing. This is Jason's longest running thing. My friend's friend is a cop, cop in Hollywood, Laurel Canyon way, and he said he keeps boxes of Doritos snack sizes. It just diffuses

the situation. And he says, crazy person with a knife, crazy person with a knife. He's like, hey man, let me give you this bag of Doritos. Give me the knife. Give me the knife and we'll sit and talk about it. This really is one of my favorite forms of policing. If any situation, somebody hands you a bag of Doritos, it changes everything. It changes everything.

That is the Doritos de-escalation. You know how many parties I've been to where the bowl of Doritos was my only friend? Well, also you're keeping it for people. That too. Dan, if you do this on a bowl of Doritos, put the arm around. If you stand in front of it. Yeah, because then people think you brought it

so you can have them all. Scan the room to see who's coming. If you guys don't need all these burritos, I'm taking them. I'm going to drink the beer. Is that cool? McPeak insists he's done nothing wrong he hasn't he then complies with orders to keep his hands up and arrested without incident according to police mcpeak was not in possession of a firearm when he was taken into custody but a search warrant had his property so now do we think the neighbors just kind of calling him out so did he know because they found a spent shell

case mcpeak was booked into the volusia County Jail with no bond charges of assault, aggravated assault with a firearm and using a firearm while under the influence of alcohol. Can I finish my beer before I go into jail?

Story number one in the books, Brett McPeak, the guy who just wants a drink. There you go. Poor guy. Yeah, it's not really... Jason, if I order

chicken at In-N-Out, I might ask somebody to film me doing it. Will you FaceTime me when you do it? I'm just going to be so mad at you. Can we go on? No, I'll do it, and then I'll let you know how it is.

Okay, fair enough. Until you do it. All right, when we come back from the break, we're going to find out that Bobby was in fact in the movie, Unfrosted. I still don't know if that's true, but we'll figure it out.

We're going to determine that in the break. We'll come back, and we'll find out what Daniel's got going on, how you can support him. It's Dumb People Town with the great Bobby Moore. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more Dumb People Town.

Hey, gang. Welcome back. I hope you had a nice little break. Made yourself a Dagwood sandwich just sitting down. Called a relative. Called a relative you haven't talked to in a while. Said, I love you. That was a long break.

That was 15 hours. 15-hour break. The fact that you stayed through the whole thing is remarkable. I didn't know it was going to in a while. I said I love you. That was a long break. That was 15 hours. 15 hour break. The fact that you stayed through the whole thing is remarkable. I didn't know it was going to be that long. By union rules.

By the FCC. We're not allowed to work you past. And by the FAA. The FAA regulates this part. Wow. So we are regulated by two different organizations. Speaking of being regulated,

Daniel. I am regulated. Tell us what we can, how people can support you first and see your wonderful special. Follow me at Daniel Van Kirk on all social media or at Daniel Van Kirk Comedy

on YouTube where you can watch my special Rose Gold. Great special. I hope you check it out. I hope you share it. I hope you like it. You can pick the order

in which you do those things. Go to DanielVanKirk.com for all of my dates. You can watch my movie Wine Club. It's now free on Tubi. Hey! I know! Dad, I'm in. I got on Tubi. You're in Wine Club? Yeah, he's in Wine Club. He plays

the wine. Way! It's so good. He tastes wonderful. He kind of disappears into his character. Yeah, he really does. I don't know when this drops. If it's before the 18th and I'm in Wisconsin at the Thrasher Opera House in Green Lake, Wisconsin. Otherwise, I have my own week of shows. It's Hub City city comedy week my own little comedy festival with tons of great

comics people from la people from chicago you don't know who's going to show up go to daniel vankirk.com it's at the lincoln lodge 16th great to the 21st hub city comedy week and then let's do that excuse to live in chicago for that dumb people town there we'll make that oh we could we could plan it whenever we want. Let's do it. All right, let's settle this once and for all. Are you or are you not a member of the Communist Party? And in the movie, Unfrosted.

Both. Oh. So you're in this fantastic... Who do you play? Tell me. In the Communist Party? Yes. Who do you play?

Chef Boyardee. Okay, that's what you were assigned. Chef Bolshevikardee. I play Chef Boyardee whenever I can. Sure. If you can I suggest it now

what was the process for you finding your Boyardee Duolingo really so that Bobby you're the best

it's a no chef instead of a yes chef yeah I just listen to Duolingo I literally would just have

or I would go hey Siri how do you say this line in Italian? And then I would just repeat it. That's fantastic. Did you? Because we talked to Andy Daly and he was like, yeah, with Quaker Oats guy, I got to kind of find the character for whoever I wanted this person to be. But like if you ask people, what does Chef Boyardee sound like? Most people have like a vague.

He was a real guy. Yeah. Like a real, actually fascinating. A lot of them have like crazy amazing bad stories yeah but

no I just Dua Lipa did you watch and Dua Lipa gave you some good I had Dua Lipa tell me all the stuff she reads all my Dua Lipa

have you she doesn't know anything about languages but I learned how to speak French from Dua Lipa yeah did you happen to watch this might be such a dumb question, but there's a thing on History Channel called The Food That Built America, and they did a Chef Boyardee episode.

Have you seen that? I have not. Okay. I'm sure just in your own research, it's all the same stuff, but it is really remarkable how that company came to be. I swear by a can of Chef Boyardee red sauce ravioli. I swear by that. It was solid. It was all you had.

It was the best. Can I ask a dumb question about the actual production itself? How good was craft services on this shoot? Was it just incredible? A lot of Pop-Tarts. Thank you. I'm sure. I believe it.

What's your favorite Pop-Tart? Seriously. Cinnamon, brown cinnamon. Brown sugar? What about you? I just like the strawberry with the white frosting. Okay, Jay, what do you? just like the strawberry with the white okay jay what do you i like the i think it's like rocky road so it's like chocolate with marshmallow that's s'mores and i love that and i absolutely love that one but i'm like the the fact that they

can just i'm all for them strawberry with sprinkles on the frosting there was a batman and robin one off where they had like a Mr. Freeze themed pop tart that had clear sprinkles like ice oh my god on the frost and you're like it was absolutely delicious in that moment it's like you're rooting for your kid to do something great you're like go crack these open we're all

proud of you and in unfrosted you beat Beetlejuice up for this correct Beetlejuice audition for that very well absolutely I can't wait to watch this movie I'm weirdly I have a flight next week and I don't Beetlejuice up for this. Correct. Beetlejuice. Audition for that. Very well. Absolutely. I can't wait to watch this movie. I'm weirdly, I have a flight next week and I don't know if I'm going to be able

to wait that long. I love when you have a great movie to watch on a plane. Oh, I mean. It gets me so excited. I was on a plane flight last night and I had.

A plane flight? A plane flight. It was just a plane. It was just a plane. No frills. Bobby, it was a plane flight. P-L-A-N-E. Oh, gotcha. it was a plane flight. P-L-A-N-E. Oh, we got you.

Just a plane flight and a P-L-A-N-E. I took a car drive. You did? Over here? Yeah. How? I took a plane drive. And so we, and I have been, we've been flying back and forth in various places that Delta

flies. So I'm now really familiar with like all the things and i've watched all the things i want to watch and so did you guys pick an airline no but we've just been flying to that area of the country personal side story personal side story so really need personal side story sorry keep going i'm picking airline but anyway and so you know i was i wish i had that like one of those i watched all i watched the whole first season I'd never seen it a Barry and I just thought

it was fantastic I was like god damn I always I always preload my iPad and then I set it up

smarter than me you're a smarter man than me I really can't wait to watch it yeah on Frosted I can't wait to watch it a lot of fun on set

I imagine yeah well it's a lot there's so many there was so many it's like everybody yeah it was did you

who did you work with who you hadn't worked with before and you're like oh i love this person uh a bunch of people i got i mean like me and tom lennon got to do a bunch of stuff together and that was just like he's a fucking hey like getting a phone call that's like hey jerry seinfeld wants to know if you want to come hang out and be funny with tom lennon for like three months you're like yeah that would be great. Yes, I would. Also, he's such a great hang, period. He's really good at being a human, Tom Lennon. He's really good at inviting you.

He's fantastic. I'm tired. He's great. It's that Chicago guy. Yeah, he's just really good at life. I love Tom. We've known him since New York. Oh, is that true?

90s, state, all that back there when we were doing our show. Well, everybody who listens to this show better go watch Unfrosted. Yes, is that true? 90s, state, you know. Wow. All that back there when we were doing our show. Well, everybody who listens to this show better go watch Unfrosted. Yes, just do it. I'm going to. Just do it.

And you do, you're constantly doing shows around town, I feel like, lately. Have you been performing? Like, you've been doing, like, you've done the... I've been doing a lot of ASCAP, UCB.

Yes. I've been doing a lot of improv. Yes. Again, yeah. Love it. It's fun. And the last improv show, I know you've joined

those guys quite a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last improv show, Dan Black. Yeah, a lot of my friends yeah steven kauf at uh at a dynasty typewriter it's so good people should go all right let's see him go see this do it damn it all right all right ran where we're going yeah let's crush it this one is a story about how creativity is an amazing thing and can get you into trouble like we all are creative. We all try and do creative things. This person sent in by, we talk about practice at notagame underscore three.

Love this guy. Do you see the Iverson statue that they did? I did not. So they did. But they all look like that. I don't think that's what people know. It's very tiny. It's super small.

But they're all tiny. I'm like, is it a Heisman trophy or is it a statue? I know they're all small, but they did put it in front of the practice facility which i think was nice all right you ready for this here's the headline cars diy rubber bumper leads to bomb threat with schools put on lockdown businesses closed for hours first of all they need to be better at writing i know someone did a diy bumper but it's not in the front it's on and it made people think it was a bomb attached to a car you're gonna find out about this all right jesus

first of all i love in this story side bumper can i just say that i love in the story how the town snaps into action you want your town okay to snap into action like this even though it was the inconvenience everybody was on point in terms of protecting the people. And I love how annoyed all the people were that it was nothing. So, okay, as we get into this. Oh, they're mad that it wasn't a bomb. A Tennessee man's DIY rubber bumper caused a false bomb threat

and led to local businesses closing and nearby schools being sent into lockdown forever. Police in Murfreesboro, which, have you ever been to the Bonnaroo Festival? Did you ever do that? No, I've never had. So that's, I believe, in Murfreesboro. Did you guys do Bonnaroo Festival did you ever do that never that's I believe in Murfreesboro was caught you by no I always wanted we're called to first watch restaurant first is that a place didn't we have one

there's a first watch in st. Louis right that's first watch was like a breakfast no it's in BC first watch is a procedural with Marissa Hardigan Marissa Marissa hardest risca Maran sc Maranska. Maranska Hardigan. Hardigan. Harts are gay. Marskapan, did you say? Murfreesboro Hardigan. Okay.

And reported a bomb strapped to a car in a parking lot of the Health Minded Cafe. Why do we have to call it a Health Minded Cafe? Oh, that's a shitty name too. Just because they serve egg whites as an option. Right. Suddenly they're health minded. Now it's a health-minded cafe oh that's a shitty name too right just because they serve egg whites as an option right suddenly they're how it's a health food restaurant we serve one sprout in one breakfast and what's the name of this place first watch dan you know the show i literally thought we were as a place called health-minded no they're calling it the hell by the way and they put it in quotes too so are they health-minded or not bobby? When the officers arrived, they found two white cloths duct-taped to the passenger's side. I can only drink two white cloths.

I don't like white cloths. Anyway, they found... I said that the other day. I said pickleball is to sports what white cloth is to alcohol. That's right. They found two white cloths. Old women love it. And we're questioning whether or not it is alcohol.

That's right. And it can hurt you more than you think that's right and get the fuck out of the kitchen in both all right they found two white cloths duct taped to the passenger's side of a gray sedan with wires running around it to the front door handle don't attack like i understand if you're in the parking lot and you're like everyone's dinging my door i gotta do something to create a bumper on the side so that when you park in a parking lot no one dings your door when they oh this is like what people do in cities for their trunks and their bumpers those little blanket right so but don't have wires sticking out of that right no you get a pool noodle that's right

straight up duct tape about this so much that would do it in a heartbeat that's it what why does it why isn't pool noodle making car noodle car noodle i think sharks when are we pitching this where i park my car where i live my neighbor has no idea how to park i'm talking like doesn't pull in far enough is like over over the line. Multiple times with me like taking photos and being like, hey, do you see how this isn't, you're in the spot? And I've literally said, I should just rig up something with pool doodles because they've hit

my door. I have a pool noodle in my garage on the wall so that you don't hit it. That is so smart. Do you have the tennis ball? We had a tennis ball hanging down. Pool noodle. Tennis ball to where the windshield hits it and then you're not, you're too far. Then you don No, I just have the pool noodle. Pool noodle. So tennis ball to where the windshield hits it and then you're too far. Then you don't want to get to the pool noodle.

That's too tempting to me because then I want to hit it. You want to hit it hard and let it bounce. If you see a box in the middle of a street as you're driving, do you drive over it? No, because of the... Was it Maximum Overdrive? That movie where they do that and there's a kid in it? No. It was like a movie

or like a or like it was some movie back in the 80s or like a pile of leaves or something and there was a kid in it like playing so i was like always i don't know i was like before i drove a car i was like i know one thing i will never drive through a pile of leaves ever never never kill a child duct tape to the passenger side of the gray sedan. I'm just saying, if I see a gray sedan pulling up into first class. If I see a gray sedan, period. Bomb in there. All businesses in the shopping plaza were evacuated for nearly two hours as a precaution.

The Murfieldsboro police. They told us there was a bomb threat and basically screamed at us to get out of the building. I mean, if there is a bomb threat, don't get mad. I love the person who's like, you don't have to be rude about trying to save me. The article should be called Town is Boring, and for a minute it wasn't, and people are pissed. I'm just trying to finish my health-minded breakfast.

Why are you yelling at me? Several Rutherford County schools located five miles from the scene were placed on lockdown after the investigators looked in the address connected to the car's license plate. A police supervisor contacted the car's owner who was standing

on the other side of the street with the other evacuees unaware that his car prompted the thing. He's like, you hear about this bomb threat? What's going on, guys? Apparently someone's

reading something up on the side of their car. I'm such an idiot. What a thing. He's bitching the most. He's like, this idiot put something on the side of his car. Wire's coming out, this asshole. This idiot.

And you know he's on the other side being like, well, this is what happens. You get an open border. This is what happens. I'm going to show you a picture of what it is so you can see what he did. And you tell me if you would look at it and be like, this is crazy. All right. I would not think that's a bomb. You see the wires?

Yeah, but I would think that this is an idiot. Why doesn't someone say, you know, we did a story years ago of a person who joined their own search party. They had no idea that the person everyone was looking for and that they had joined in to help was them you ever see the old video of the people outside it's like people outside of a movie theater protesting Kevin Smith's movie

and they panned online and Kevin Smith and they interview him terrible that was dogma right the owner confirmed that the quote bomb was his attempt to rubber bumper with suction cups on the passenger side door to prevent dents while being parked.

This is what I said. We had a massive, massive response to this location to find out what this man was trying to prevent his car from being dented. Larry Flowers, a public information... What a great name. That feels like a character you've played, Larry Flowers. I wish.

Public information officer from Murfreesboro Police. Maybe Larry Flowers is Drunk Uncle's actual name that's right larry flowers his real name was dale norway it never came out never came out it was like the last one we wrote we were gonna say his name was dale norway but it got great i mean i have a thing i've always thought about that character i love that character in the early 90s drunk uncle would have been a sketch instead of a weekend update piece. Probably, yeah. Because they did so many, like, he's Ed Boon Harry, he's this, he's no memory. He's Drunk Uncle.

Yeah, he would have been like... He's fine. Every Thanksgiving. Yes, and it would have just been constant family scenarios. So let's do the theme. Wait, wait, wait. He's fine. I've thought that for forever.

The kids call him Monk. He's Drunk Uncle. Drunk Uncle. He's your drunk uncle.'s called a monk he's drunk uncle he's a big long burp yeah a big long it's me i'm not for everybody and it's always like they're taking pictures for prom like it's just you know wait was that when you pitched that the first time i just have no what do you did you play it out did you do a whole bit of it to pitch it to the room or were you like i'm doing this thing that's a character i have it's ridiculous i i remember i that week i wrote a character sketch of a guy um who sold suits it was a guy going getting his wedding suit because i was getting my wedding suit and there was a guy named lionel who sold me my suit and he had an l like laverne on

his shirt everything was monogrammed right and everything i said he kept just kept just kept saying stop wasting my time and i was like this guy is an snl character this is going to crush i spent like 13 hours like writing and working on this sketch thinking it was going to be my magnum opus on snl and i walked into into Colin Jost's office at 5 a.m., and he was like, I got to write something for Update. You got anything? I was like, I don't know. I do this drunk character.

He was like, maybe like a drunk uncle guy? And I was like, yeah. Fifteen minutes later, we were like, that's something. I'll see you tomorrow. Holy shit. Went home. Did the other sketch make it on? Rehearsed everything.

Bombed instantly at the table. Come on. And then I was like, well, at least I got this other thing at the second half of the table read. And it was like, the second I did it, I was like, oh, not only do I think I'm going to do that, I think that's the first time that'll come back. Come back. It was like I instantly went like, oh, man. Oh, it was that one.

It was that one. See, we never know. We never know. Yeah, it was weird. So you thought it was going to bomb, but it didn't. Speaking of the car. I didn't think anything of it. Speaking of the car.

Of course you didn't think anything, because it was like an add-on at the last minute. And the first one that we did, I put this thing on the side. I was like, oh, it's scheduled about how I put this thing on the side of my car so that people would get it. The school lockdowns were lifted after Tennessee Highway Special Operations Unit gave the all clear. the school lockdowns were lifted after tennessee highway special operations unit gave the all clear you know like the people i wanted to see like the people who were like we're all i'm gonna go around the school and give the all clear i'm gonna let them

they didn't send a robot in people love i mean i'm all for see something say something but like you don't have to say something about everything so no charges so this is at the airport, I saw them to an old man in a wheelchair, like start wanding him. I'm like, what is he going to do? You never know. What is he going to do? I know what's in that wheelchair. You don't know who sent him? Thank you.

Thank you. No charges were filed. His name was Alan Jazeera, which I felt was, they were profiling. That would do it. No charges were filed against the car's owner. So this is what I like, too. Of course not. That they're like, all right, we screwed up.

We were being overly cautious. We're not going to charge you with anything. Yeah. But also don't have wires sticking out of the towels that are on your door. To me, they should have removed those two things and said, everyone gets a couple slams at the door. Dent his door a little bit. We're going to park close to you and open up the car.

If no one in this story says no more wired doors, like are we even? No more wired doors. Because there was no intent to cause harm, the department announced. That's it. Just a fun little story. I love that they're like, because we messed up.

Right. We decided not to yell at this guy. That's our bad. Hey, breakfasted everybody on first watch i don't go for that healthy stuff oh man you know i don't like that in the restaurant complaints with this yeah so i'm not paying for breakfast right like i'm not paying because you guys made me leave for a bomb so now i'm gonna go back in and eat my uh spanish omelet cold okay my avocado is brown now that's how long we stood outside For your fake mom You were outside for so long

You fake mom There you go Give us a tease Alright Even if you're in a relationship For a really long time Things can get heated That's it

Yeah That's this last one Good to know That's what being in a relationship is It just gets heated A lot of heat We'll be back after this Brief message

Take another 15 hours And we'll come back I was going to say This ain't going to be brief This ain't going to be brief On our end. We'll be right back. Stick around.

Look us down. There's more Don't People Town. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. And I just want to take stock in the year that has already gone by. I just picked up my daughter. Yeah, I just picked up Daisy from college and brought her back. Her first year of college is done. My son's first year of high school is done.

Half the year is almost over. It's gone so quickly. When you think about that, you need to take a moment in your life, take stock in what you've done, celebrate your wins. We say this on stage. We say this as parents. We got to start celebrating the wins out there. Take some dubs in your life, right?

Take some dubs. Celebrate it. Take stock in it. And therapy. We are therapy guys. My wife is a therapist. We've all been in our own therapy. We understand that therapy can help you take stock in those moments and understand their

significance in your life. Also figure out what is progress, set goals. I mean, these are things that sometimes you need somebody else as you speak it out there to help you sort of put that stuff in order. And BetterHelp is just fantastic. Yeah, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give help a try it's entirely online it's designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule i love that so many options for you to be able to say oh this is when i have time time to talk about oh this is going good what was the pattern there

how can i work on that how can i keep doing that sort of behavior all you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist you know i love that at any time i always believe you have the ability to find the person who's right for you that's so great and there's no additional charge for it so take a moment visit betterhelp.com slash dpt today you get 10 off your first month that's better help h-e-l-p.com slash d-p hey gang welcome back to the show i hope you had a nice what was it 13 hours what do we do Stick around Make it sound There's more Don't fool town Hey gang Welcome back to the show

I hope you had a nice What was it? 13 hours? What did we do? That was a little bit better Flight to London We're in golden hour now We're happy

What are you guys doing? Tell everybody where to find you Where to follow you Where to have fun with you Alright so here's the deal If this drops before And again we just have to give The disqualifiers

You never know The disqualifiers The qualifiers That if this drops before May 17th and 18th, we're going to be in Salt Lake City at the great Wise Guys Comedy Club in Jordan Landing.

Do not forget to tell Q this. I will do that. And then we just had a couple dates. We're going to be in Dallas. We're like, we're working in Dallas. Let's see if we can do some shows. Yeah,

we're going to do Fort Worth on Wednesday, the 20th or 19th, and then the 20th of June will be in the downtown Dallas one and then we're in Houston that weekend superschoolers.com has Dan might step up and do it Dan might come and do guest set so come and see us Dan's gonna be there and then uh just all of our tagging shows that we do at Largo and at the Comedy Store thanks to everyone who came out even though we're recording this before I'm assuming it's dropping after uh May 8th to the

Netflix is a joke one that we did uh the sold out one at the comedy store so thank you to all those we love you and we'll let you know about other good stuff that is happening as it trickles now let's do it uh all right here this is sent in by ben sass uh at ben sass thank you you mean the wait isn't wasn't he like a congressman he's been sass and he always comes back at you what i'm trying to do another SNL and he always comes back at you. What? I'm trying to do an SNL character. That's another SNL theme song. He always comes back at you?

Yeah, he's got sass. Okay. Isn't he like a conservative pundit? I thought he was. That's been someone else. All right. Woman bites attempts to kill husband after he received postcard from ex-girlfriend from 60 years ago.

Wow. Wait, he found the postcard from 60 years or it got delayed the girlfriend i think was from 60 years ago and it's a doc brown marty if you get this i'm sending i'm sending the postcard wait so postcards like a postcard got lost for 60 years no the girlfriend was from 60 years ago i think think you got it. She got lost in the mail. Suddenly he gets a postcard. Who's this from? That's what Bobby's saying. My girlfriend from 60 years ago.

It's not a 60-year-old postcard. It's a new postcard from an old relationship. He's like, are you getting postcards from this bitch all the time? Where is she? Why is she sending you postcards? Do you still get jealous at 80? Who cares? I feel like if my wife got a postcard from anyone,

I'd be like, cool. That would be like the highlight of our day. Good for you. Let's talk about this. Get into it. A North Miami Beach woman is facing serious charges. That's what the article says. They don't even want to tell you what they are. For trying to bite and kill a guy

after she's accused of trying to kill her husband after she received a postcard from an ex-girlfriend from 60 years ago and arrested her. And I never saw the movie, but is this the plot of Postcards from the Edge? It is. The Lake House. Oh, okay. This is the Lake House?

According to the report, shortly before what time? Sunday. Well, they're- Like, when are they having this fight? Yes. This is at 7 a.m. and they've been up for three hours. Yeah, this is Sunday morning. You're at 7 a.m.? 7.m. and they've been up for three hours. Yeah, this is Sunday morning. You're at 7 a.m.?

7 a.m. They've been up for three hours. I say 9 a.m. I think it probably started around 7 or 9. But we got a lot of silent passive aggression. And the biting happened when, Dan? 11. 11 a.m.? 4 p.m. How about that? Whoa!

So right before dinner, they respond to the home. Dating happened when, Dan? 11. 11 a.m.? 4 p.m. How about that? Whoa! Okay. North Miami Beach. So right before dinner. So I was right. They respond to the home. 3500 Block of Northwest 169th Street, if you're doing the walking tour. Sure. Reports the domestic dispute had turned physical. The preliminary investigation revealed that Bertha Yalter, I'm not going to tell you

how old she is. What a man. Bertha Yalter and her husband were involved in a dispute after an ex-girlfriend from 60 years ago sent him a postcard. Is this about the postcard or does this woman just want to kill this guy i hate how you breathe if your name is bertha i feel like a lot of stuff makes you mad yeah she doesn't let a lot of stuff roll off her back how long they've been married how long you think these guys have been married i i know well it's from 60 years from 60 years ago so how long have these guys been married 57 years 57 two you could you you could by the way you could there i know the answer and

i'm saying you could be right you're not but you that is such a great bold guess i love that fuck 75 no they've been married yeah they can't be they've been married 600 years yeah they've been married i mean maybe they're vampires we don't know these people by the way it does it does say uh they're slept in a coffin in egypt they've been married 49 years they have been married 52 years there you go. Yalter allegedly tried to smother her husband with a pillow. Oh, my God. Bit and physically battered him, the report said. Investigators said the victim was extremely fragile.

Of course. Of course. Small guy. He could barely lift the postcard. He had several bruises and open cuts on both his arms and stomach area. The arrest warrant said he also had open bite marks that were bleeding. This woman is crazy. I know, but I just want to know what the goddamn postcard

said. And I want to know, was it Niagara Falls postcard? Having fun in Phoenix. Hey, what's arrow pointing upward? Hey, is that fucking idiot Bertha still around? That's funny. Hey, if you're still with that bitch...

Why don't you ditch that bitch and get with the hero? that woman that tried to eat you are you still hanging out with her i don't think you should i want her to also i'm having a great summer i hope she doesn't see this i'm not gonna put it in an envelope i'm gonna just the whole message will be there for the world dear bertha's future ex-husband, I am fine. How are you? Who do we know in Niagara Falls? Let me read. What the hell?

What was Bertha's recent diagnosis? I'm still here. The fact that she has his address. I know. I mean, according to the report, the incident was captured on a cell phone. Flip. Can we see it? They don't have it. I mean, that definitely. It wasn't. They just typed cell phone. Flip. Can we see it? They don't have it.

I mean, that definitely, it wasn't, they just typed it out. Yeah. It was captured in written form. Someone saw what happened. No, they didn't type. They spoke it in.

Who would have been, is he filming her going after him? Probably. Put the phone down and defend yourself. I'm not victim blaming, but like, we don't gotta not everything's for TikTok and how many times did she bite him

stomach, arms I'm only getting bitten twice I'm once bitten twice the first one is like holy shit the second one is on the push off yeah half bite one and a half hopefully

one and a half yeah hopefully bite me one and a half bites shame on me bite me three times your birthday god forbid the postcard says hope you still like to get bit because then he's birth it was like oh you like to get bit still into that uh what if they just said or tell bertha to bite it if any townie out there can find out somewhere what this postcard said, reach out to this local police department. Find out. Jason read the address to where these people live. Can it be public record? We know where they live.

They put the address. Somebody go over there and ask, can I just take a look at the postcard? It's on the 3500th block of Northwest 169th Street in North Miami. Okay. Two and a half bites. Two and a half bites, Charlie's Jeans. Some of his best work. We could be there

by tonight. If we want to. We could be there in the next break. The altar was transported to Turner Guilford Night Correctional Center and is facing charges of attempted murder in the second degree. Now she'll finally get a good night's sleep because of her husband's awful snoring.

I just put that in the box. No, okay. Aggravated battery on a person 65 years or older and tampering with the victim. We'll get out of here on this. How old? How old is Bertha Yalter? 52 years married.

I can show you a little picture of her. It's not going to help, but I'll show you a picture of this lady. Vampire. That's Bertha? That's Bertha. I'm surprised. That's the name of the sketch. That's Bertha? I'm surprised she still has all her teeth. Good for her. How do you know? Good for her. I feel like Berthas

are usually larger. I'm glad she's a thin lady. Yeah, it's a thin Bertha. Not much of a Gertha. No Gertha on the Bertha. Sorry. You know what? I'm here for all of it. Can I get one more gander at her? Yeah, it's a thin Bertha. Not much of a Gertha. No Gertha on the Bertha. Sorry. I apologize for that joke. You know what? I'm here for all of it. Can I get one more gander at her?

You want to take a look? Take one more look at this crazy gal. Bertha, don't you come around here anymore. It's over here, baby. I got it. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. All right. She's just sick of it.

She's got enough. She sort of has a Skeletor look about her. I think she's 84. Ooh. But looks good for 84. I. She's got enough. She sort of has a Skeletor look about her. I think she's 84. Ooh. But looks good for 84. I think that's too old. I think this is a lot of cigarette smoke. Yep.

I'm going to go 76. Mm-hmm. Bobby? 59. Wait, the postcard. There's a world. She's 50. Well, by the way, she could be way younger.

Like, we're dating her. That's what I'm saying. I know. I'm dating her around the... Let me change mine. Let me add this. She's a great grandmother. Now, does that make it young?

No, it doesn't. Not in Florida. 69. 69. I'm switching mine, too. 69. 69. 76.

Early 59. Early 59. One of you is two years off. Oh, snap. Oh, we changed. Yeah, you guys can go up and down. 74. I said 69.

71. 59. 59. I ain't even changing. 60. 61. It would be 61. All right, here we go.

Get your answers in. Watch Unfrosted. You better. Watch Dan's special Rose Conference. Come see us live. Come see us live and hang with us. We love doing this. Continue.

It's been a treat to have you on. Thank you. I love you guys so much. I love you too. We really do. Bertha Yalter was and is 71 years old. Oh! Looks pretty good.

All right, guys, that is the show. That's it. The world is still dumb. We decided. Love you, Bobby Moynihan and Daniel Van Kirk. And oh, snap, we need to get back to work. Boop. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Bobby Moynihan and Daniel Van Kirk and oh snap we need to get back to work boop