Dumb People Town - Bobcat Goldthwait & Dana Gould - Jack-Off-O-Lantern

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

This week Bobcat Goldthwait and Dana Gould come to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about an Alabama getting shot by an unexpected "guest". For the second, and final story we are teated to an absolute horror situation if you are a person with a urethra.

Skypains, out of here. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population gold and Population Gould and Goldthwait. Gould and Goldthwait. That to me sounds like a law firm. On your team. You only take sexual harassment cases. Or start

them. That's perfect. The firm of Gould and Goldthwait. That's the first time firm and my name has been used. And folks. And that was one of your biggest cases The Firm of Gould and Goldthwait. That's the first time firm and my name has been used. That's right. And folks. And that was one of your biggest cases that you took.

Yeah, it was. Defending myself. Defending yourself, which is a great movie. Defending your honor, I think. Defending your life. Defending your life. Way to go, guys. We squeak out there eventually.

The world is getting dumber. Bobcat is out somewhere in the hinterlands of America. I moved to the Midwest during the pandemic. I live in Illinois. One of the things that after 35 years in L.A. in the Midwest, it turns out I'm thin. Yeah, exactly. Doesn't that feel good? Yeah.

Dana says I'm the Daniel Craig of DuPage County. Everyone's like, who's that skinny guy? Who's that guy? He's got to eat. People trying to fatten you up? Yeah, we got to put him on a sausage drip. Seriously? Okay, so Dan is from Rochelle, Illinois, which is like north of Chicago, right?

Well, yeah, a little bit north and west. Just south of Rockford well yeah a little bit north and west just south of Rockford a little bit north of where he's at right now barely almost directly west of him yes okay so he knows from this town like Dan has like lived and been brought up in this in this world but I live in the woods I mean I live on a dead end

street and an acre and a half of just nothing a groundhog comes up on my porch i love it yeah and a lot of deer and all the regular stuff but i'm not used to fox and uh groundhogs that's it you really are living green acres like you literally did yeah there's a guy come by with a truck good evening evening, Mr. Gold Boy. I'm going to sell you a frying pan kazoo combination. By the way, I would take that. That's my Uncle Mayor.

You know you've really become a Midwesterner and a Chicago, Outerlands Chicago person when you buy a cabin in Wisconsin that you don't go to enough. Yeah, I've already been eyeballing that. That's your next move. I could give you some great tips. It's the serial killing-est cabin I had.

Don't do Lake Geneva. I'll tell you where to go. I have this old dilapidated My house used to be a mink farm. So I just envisioned just being haunted by thousands of little tiny mink ghosts. But there's this barn in the back, and I went and ordered an old-y, time-y, woodsy plaque on it that says, The Gein Family.

I love it. You know, you got to make a place your own. But I'm out there all the time. I got chainsaws and axes. I chop wood all day. I'll be at a Zoom meeting. I go, that's great. The Daniel Craig thing is a joke, but you really are the Mr. T of your county.

Yeah. For those of you who don't know. I just chopped wood up. Took down all the trees. It's a lowercase t, but we'll take it. Mr. T famously had this amazing piece of property, I believe, in D.C. Lake Forest, Illinois.

No, no, it's here. And like the inhabitants of Easter Island, he denuded it of all foliage. People lost their minds. Lake Forest, it's known for its gorgeous trees.

He rolled through It was like Let's just get rid of all this People So he was I want it to look more like a lake And less like a forest And then he And then he drained the lake

Right Oh shit And now it's just called Place I worked with this I don't want to name drop But I was in this movie Called Freaked

And Nobody told me He was crazy. He was playing a bearded woman, and at lunch, you know how that, where, you know what I mean, your first day at work, it's just like high school. That's the only spot open. I sit across from Mr. T in a dress with a beard,

and he may or may not have been drinking a 40, and he just started prophesizing. He was just talking to me about the Bible. Yeah, preaching. He was in a dress going, and then Elijah said to the Lord. And I'm like, mm-hmm. Nobody told me not to be with tea. And then he just quit.

Do you want to run lots? And they got another guy in a dress for wide shots. I just love that he removed tree. For every tree he removed, he added a necklace. Yes. It was like zero sum game. One for one. One in one out.

He would plant the necklaces and water them. He would. That's why I got to eat. All right. Let's see. My wife calls me Mr. Low T. All right.

Here we go. Let's go. Dan. Good. Thank you. The world is getting dumber, guys. And the only way to fight it Is to hear these Great stories

That get sent in By our fans And try and break them down The five of us Sure Let's do it Shall we We got a story right now

Let's jump right in Sent in by Michael Burris At Mikey Michael M-I-K-E-Y B The letter Style

At Mikey B Style First time I think I've ever gotten a story From Mikey B Style Thanks I want to say I love Everybody sends these in

We seem to be getting new people sending them in. I love it. It's awesome. Just go to Twitter, at Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag Dump People Town. That's how I know you meant it to go to me. And then there's a timeline. Yeah. Okay, ready?

Yep. This headline is the story. And I think that when they tried to write the headline, they were like, well, you can't stop there. So the headline includes everything. Pretty much. I don't know that we need anything. Also, it's a horrible headline, but I think they were like, how do we not?

Wait, wait. Do you guys do that in email sometimes? Just put the whole email in the subject line, and then I'm just like. Yeah. And then in the email, the actual body of the email, I'm like, okay, question mark, and then love Randy. Okay, ready? An Alabama man thought he'd been shot by an intruder.

It turns out it was his wife's boyfriend secretly living in their house. What? That's the headline. That's everything you need to know. Yeah, that's like when the trailer gives you the movie. Right. Yeah. That's a long headline.

Five die in dog plunge. What? That was a real story, Tony. Five die in dog plunge. What? That was a real story, Tony. Five die in dog plunge? In dog plunge? Yeah, a dog jumped out of a window and it landed on this guy and killed him. And then another guy saw it and had a heart attack and he died. And then the ambulance plowed into three more people no no the last line in the article it says because the dog owners were the matoyas and

because can you imagine how the matoyas feel yeah that's wild what i want what i want what i want is the footage uh-huh and then yakety sacks on the soundtrack. Okay, an Alabama man. But how do you secretly live in someone's house? Quietly. Have you ever seen the movie Bad Ronald? No. Or Parasite? Then call me back.

After post-Bad Ronald. Have you seen Parasite? Yes. Okay, there's a Parasite room. Yeah, I don't know that they had a room in Alabama. Have you seen Stuart Little? Stuart Little, that's true. Wait a minute. The Borrowers?

None of these people have seen Bad Ronald. I have no idea what Bad Ronald is. Bad Ronald was a, I believe it was a TV movie from the early 70s about a young boy. God, it's, I really, in fact, I tried to remake this movie and it's tied up. A young guy

killed somebody by accident. They killed a kid by accident, and his mother said he ran away. But what she did was he lived in the walls of their house. I remember this. And then she died, and the new family moved in, and he befriended their daughter. I saw that. He lived under the steps in the wall? Yeah, I remember this.

Bad Ronald. Bad Ronald. Bad Ronald. Bad Ronald sounds scary. It's a great idea. It's a great movie. Is it wrong for me to want Dana Gould to have all the rights to every made-for-TV movie? And you just do it.

You can either do it exactly the way it is, but you get to cast whoever you want in it. I thought Bad Ronald was McDonald's related. Ronald McDonald. Me too. get to cast whoever you wanted it so like like i thought i thought bad ronald was uh mcdonald's related ronald mcdonald's a blow and goes out with the grimace that's a bad ronald's evil twin he's got a whole he's got like a kilo of cocaine in the big part of his shoe he just flips it open yeah i would have i would cast eddie pepitone as bad Ronald. Why is the cupboard screaming about capitalism?

They'd find him very quick because of the yelling. Yeah, I know. I don't understand. You don't hear that, honey. An Alabama man was shot by his wife's boyfriend who was secretly living in the couple's home.

The Mobile County Sheriff's Office said the wife told her husband that an intruder was in their Crayola home Sunday night and he armed himself with a gun. The men then shot each other and both went to the hospital. They're both expected to survive obviously. Also, do you

think she forgot her boyfriend was living in the house? Or do you think she was like, this will in the house? No, she was more. Or do you think she was like, this will work itself out? She's like, whoever is left standing, I will be with. By the way, better headline, shorter, Cherchez la Femme. Cherchez la Femme. Cherchez la Femme.

I like that none of us even blinked at the fact that both had guns. Yeah. Like a duel broke out. Of course. A duel that neither one of them knew. The boyfriend might have known, but the other guy had no idea. I wonder if she did it on purpose. I think she did because she didn't want to be found out that she had this ruse going along.

So she's like, whoever survives, I'll go. I think it's hard to keep it going. It's like you watch, you know, like bank robbers. Fine, you get the money, but then life on the run has got to just be like, you can't be on the run that long. The lamb. You can't be on the lamb. You can't hold this ruse together for so long.

Yeah, it's not a long game for that. I think this is intentional. The sheriff's office said Michael Amaker, the wife's boyfriend for over a year, had been living at the house shortly before the incident. She had been allowing him to stay within the home for at least a

couple days, providing him with food. There were bottles of urine in the room, which indicated he'd been there for a little while. That wasn't part of the food. No, no. That was a fet while. That wasn't part of the food. No, no, that was a fetish. She wasn't feeding him bottles of urine. I want to talk to Michael Amaker for a second.

I don't know you, but I am going to say you deserve better. Don't secretly live in anybody's house in order to have them in your life. You deserve someone that wants to be outside of the house with you. This is like the guy who pours cereal all over his deck and all the fat raccoons come in. What is that? Have you seen that video? No. There's a guy who literally pours like-

This is Bobcat's new line. I'm right here. I'm right here. Sorry. I'm so sorry. Cereal all over the deck and then the fattest raccoons come and hang out. So I feel like- Hang out?

So this is is was it on this show i said he pets them if you like this is remember was it this show where i said if you want to pretend you have a friend feed a bird it's amazing i i yeah i got you had a closing counter with a raccoon uh uh i pat i pat uh a wild raccoon once and no love love to tell you that i'm a better man than this but but I started crying. Why? Nature? Because it let me pet him.

It was so... Wait, what was the context? Where were you? And what were you giving him? It's a long story. I was giving him chicken gizzards, which... And grapes.

Bobcat. Which is why... Which is why you... Yeah, which is why you always travel with a fanny pack of chicken gizzards. Which is weird, because I'm a vegan Someone's got to eat it

Someone's got to eat it Well they weren't going for the soy Vegan chicken hearts Fanny pack of chicken gizzards I just realized that saying this stuff out loud That I do sound a little crazy Don't I? The first day I saw deer in my backyard

I ran out in the snow And was throwing them apples. And then I remembered I was in my underwear. Yeah, you can't do that. You're like a scary Snow White. Scary Snow White. Yeah, you're like a scary Snow White. You're like doing stuff to the animals.

Snow White looked like Randy Quaid's nutsack. But also your neighbors are going, he's throwing apples at the deal. What did they ever do? I just picture the guy being like, honey, he's out there again. He's out there. He's throwing apples at the deal. He's inviting wine to see. Why doesn't he just get a gun like everyone else?

I don't need a gun. I have a pride flag with Sasquatch on it. That will keep them away. That really does keep them away. It's like one way or another, I'm alienating the neighbors. That's right. By the way,

how tall, how big was this guy in the wall? Was this like a sitcom? Like he would sneeze and she'd go. It has to be, right? It has to be. It has to be.

Wait, I want Dana to get out his fanny pack. No, it's dead now. Nope. No, it's not. Fanny pack material is evergreen. I was just going to say that fannyanny pack of gizzards. No, it's dead now. Nope. It's alive. Fanny pack materials evergreen. I was just going to say that fanny pack of chicken gizzards

is on loan from the Museum of Things that Johnny Carson died too soon to say. That's right. A fanny pack of chicken gizzards. Fanny pack of chicken gizzards. May a fanny pack of chicken gizzards fall on your head. She had been allowing him to stay in the home for a couple days as i said bottles of urine in the room who knows about

number two i don't want to know i'm just saying we don't know he could have very well traveled with but there's my i brought my urine collection if you're cool right yeah i don't want to leave it at home yeah whether whether this is going to be worth money one day. It would be really impressive if there was bottles of poop. I mean, if you can do that into a bottle. Those are bags. To me, it's one of those bottles. You open it up. It's like the ship in the bottle.

How do you get that in there? You're one consonant off. One consonant away. The sheriff's office hadn't uncovered a motive for the wife telling her husband that Amaker was an intruder. I would say the motive is he doesn't want to deal with life. Get rid of this situation. Or get his own wife. Exactly.

Investigators said she was too intoxicated to be interviewed after the shooting. That's not good. So she got bombed up. Or surprising. Neither good nor surprising. But also, I'm not aware of any cops that wouldn't talk to you when you're drunk. You know what I mean? Yeah, right.

I'm kind of drunk. Could you guys come back? Yeah, cool. Yeah. We'll give you all the time you need. We'll test you later. All right. Haven't been joined for a while.

Yeah. for a while yeah uh amaker uh is currently on jail uh with a litany of charges including possession of a controlled substance that's story number one my friends i just that's the wildest thing what state that's alabama alabama our alabama the very one i, at what point do you say, can we please have an open marriage? You know what I mean? That has to be easier than guy hiding in house with urine bottles.

Pee jar Alabama. The nice place. Till Mr. T moved there. Till Mr. T moved there and cut down all the trees. All right, there you go. First story down in the books. We're going to talk about what Bob and Dana have. They have a new movie

that is fantastic. I'm so excited. Fanny Pack of Chicken Gizzards. Fanny Pack of Chicken Gizzards. Fanny Pack of Chicken Gizzards. On the other side of the rank, don't go anywhere. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We have Dana Gould and Bob Goldthwait. They have a new movie. It is a stand-up.

It's sort of a new twist on a stand-up special, if you will, and it's about their relationship. I want you guys to tell people about it and how they can access it because I think the fans of this show would love it. Absolutely love it. Well, you can pre-order it now on iTunes, and it's available at the end of the month i also like how serious i get you know now i'm like oh it's a it's on itunes you know the actual plug all of a sudden they're like boom smart uh it's available october

29th great but um all business we we shot a tour and that was the idea and uh but what happened was besides us getting in a near fatal car wreck uh we we uh well because of the pandemic instead of just making a straight concert film i was able to go through uh our entire careers and and add footage and things and tell the story of Dana and I. You know, it actually just starts with Dana saying, we didn't like each other when we met. And I go, that's not true. I hated you.

Don't put it so nicely. What was really funny at Moon Tower, because I had never seen the movie with even one person, because during the pandemic I edited with an editor on Zoom. So the fact that the narrative tracked i was really shocked it's great yeah we really explore our friendship and you see uh the conclusion of of of me being an asshole and torturing dana in fact there's footage in there where i look like such a dick yeah i mean, I'm very vicious to them. That was really old. It was funny because when that played for the next five or ten minutes,

I couldn't get a laugh in the theater. They hated me. But when I was making the movie, I was like, oh, you're the protagonist. You have to be the villain in order to make this thing work. We need a villain. But what was interesting to me

was the realization that you had about one of the reasons, and one, I'll just preface, when we met, I was, I think, 17 or 18. Young, doing comedy. Emotionally, I was probably 14. Right. I meet people that I met before I was 30, and I just sort of blanket apology. I'm so sorry for whatever I did. I'm sorry for who I was.

I'm still in that. It took me a while. Yeah. But you had a realization that I always had. I always thought that that was like Bob lived in Boston, and he had these two friends, our friends Dan and Tom, Dan Spencer and Tom Kenny. Yeah. And then Bob moved to San Francisco, and then I moved to Boston, and then I befriended Dan and Tom. And I was like, Bob, I was the new roommate.

Bob 2.0. I was the woman that replaced Suzanne Somers. That's right. Through his company. That's right. Yeah. And he was like, walk on, Bob. Leave my friends alone.

And I was like, man, stop. You're doing that. Well, it's amazing. I love the Barry Crimmins movie that you made a few years ago. The ability to go back into footage that you have and tell the story to me is fascinating.

It's sort of behind the music for comedy because you really do see, like, in addition to the fact that it's a concert movie and there's a lot of great stand-up in it, it's mostly 75% us doing stand-up together. Right. But it's told in a different way.

But it's told in a different way and you actually get to see how we became the performers that we are and the people that we are. And you see two guys grow up, for lack of a better term. You see us grow up. By the way, it's all Bob. Bob directed the movie and edited it.

I'm in it, but it's Bob's accomplishment. There's a period where Dana had to check into a hospital, a little visit to sleeper camp. Yeah, because as Bill Odenkirk said, I had a clown in my head. Bob Odenkirk said that. Woody Allen from rehab. But Dana had a bit of a mental breakdown, and he's telling me that story now,

and then you see footage of him a few days after he got out of the hospital. So there's stuff, and there's a lot of stuff i mean and explores uh you know i say in the movie you know it's because i was giving a speech at hampshire college and i said you know it's important in front of the kids that are graduating you know it's important to quit you know my my i hope you never stop quitting you know because i believe you know you quit until you end up someplace you don't want to leave yeah and um and and it's about you know it's it explores everything like you know me setting the tonight show on fire and all these

other kind of hijinks and one of the things i was surprised about is like on um jerry seinfeld's show uh a millionaire comedians bitching about their diamond shoes being too tight right um i've seen that he went on a jag about how unfunny i am and how no one loves me it's really weird did you put that in there too i would talk about that on stage but then in the movie you actually see the footage and he comes off kind of crazy um but i was sitting there at this comedy festival going are they gonna well then it cuts to me going jerry seinfeld finally has an opinion and it's about me yeah i was really surprised at the audience because uh you know i'd assumed they're fans

of his shirt how how they reacted so it's a very... I saw the episode and it's super creepy. It's jarring. It really is jarring. But in that guy's defense, I was vicious to him, but that was like 20 years ago and I kind of thought, oh, we're good.

Some people don't get over that stuff. You're not good. Yeah, I thought we were good. So what's the name of the movie just so people can? It's called Joyride. Joyride. It's kind of, you know, part of the movie is you're like in the back seat listening to us talk. And most of the time when you see comedy behind the scenes, it's kind of punishing because the comedians are on. But, you know, I shot it in a way where the cameras weren't very intrusive at all so dana

and i would have genuine conversations it would be more like actually hanging out with us i can't wait to see this movie we are too old to be on all the time to be on all the time you can be on all that's my favorite you know what i don't like to do play pranks no that's my other my favorite thing in the world is like going to a comedy festival and showing up at the airport and seeing dana there and i'm like oh good i can have a real conversation with someone now we're gonna find out what's going on it's like they're deep i have some of my deepest conversations like at a gate somewhere with you and and there was a time when i was the absolute there was a time when if you wanted to have a real conversation seeing me at the gate you'd be like maybe a train well you know it's interesting because it's like you know robin williams was was a real good buddy

of mine and i think people are like well that had to be hilarious and you would just think we were two cpas you know it would be yeah i think that's why we were so close. Like, I was never on around him, and he was not on around me. So we kind of were. Yeah, felt like a relief. It's a relief to not have to do that. You know what has a very, by the way, I'm going to blow Bob's ass to his face, to use his expression. You know what has a very similar format to this documentary?

What? The kids are all right. Yeah, I guess because there's so much footage there's concert footage there's no narration it's just all the the footage itself tells the story thanks i love that so that's good and when you described like okay the who documentary not the family drama with uh right which is also great like one of my favorite parts in the whole doc is dana tells me the story about how he was on the second from last bob hope special and you know bob hope is barely alive and they're wrapping him up by with the henson company at this point he looked like al lewis but during thesters. He did have those metal rods under his wrists to kind of move him.

Dana said his, what was it, eyeball soup? Like his eyes were just floating. His eyes didn't look so much like eyes. He tells this story about Bob Hope flubbing his lines, and I'm crying laughing, and then the documentary cuts to the raw footage of Bob Hope flubbing his lines exactly the way Dana told the story. So in that way-

It's kind of mind blowing. And are his lines about him stealing land from Asian Americans during the internment camp? That is brought up. He stole all of Burbank from Asian Americans. Yes. His line to me was, his line looked at, and this is, I tell the story, and then, yeah, as Bob says, miraculously, and I don't know how I have it, but I have the raw feed.

Wow. Somebody gave it to me. Amazing. I don't know how or when. He looks at me and he goes, didn't you, I love this kid. Didn't you used to be my caddy? And he goes, I love this kid. Didn't you used to be my cocaine just like right around caddy his brain

went i'm out i'm out of this sentence and then and then they went and this is in the footage is in the dark it's like we need to go again and suddenly he's very compass mentee why and they couldn't say you effed up. Right. So they said, you had peanuts on your chin. You're eating peanuts. He did not have peanuts on his chin, but you see on the footage in the doc, a guy come over

and pretend to wipe non-existent peanuts. And he goes, peanuts? So Dana's telling me the story. He's like, peanuts? And then lo and behold, the actual footage,

it's insane, you know? But it's like, it's funny because I remember, I go, yeah, I used to have a bit about Bob Hope and then it just cuts to footage from 84

and I'm like, when will Bob Hope die? And I'm just screaming and sweating and then we're out. And I don't think it had a punchline. In that way, it's kind of like the Jordan documentary. It's exactly like the Jordan documentary. In that they'll take a moment that's happening now

and be like kind of the context of what we're talking about right now and they actually have the footage of it. Yeah, well, I wanted to die when I saw the Jordan documentary. And I'm telling this story and i actually don't know maybe i shouldn't tell the story but i just you know i i had opened for nirvana and michael jordan sweet gig for a comedian what's that sweet gig for a comedian great for a great great gig for a comedian oh yeah really sweet gig.

Who books that? Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, I would get hit with teenagers. You know, people would successfully throw people from the pit. I would have M80s going off by my head. Perfect. I got hit with a lot of Bibles, too, which is weird. Jesus. So, I'm in Chicago.

Michael Jordan retires from basketball. And I'm truly not proud of the story. And keeping it alive is probably not a really cool thing but I'm out in front of the audience at the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago and I go hey I feel bad for Michael Jordan but for 40 million dollars

a year I'd shoot my own dad in the head and I say this on stage in Chicago and the noise was just like it wasn't boo it wasn, and the noise was just like, it wasn't boo, it wasn't F you, it was just like, I wish I had a sample of it. It was just pure rage. Stepped on a puppy.

In my head, the pit stopped moshing for a second. Only person laughing, Kurt. I do recall looking over at Kurt, and then as we walked by each other, because I had introduced the band, he goes, I can't believe you said that. But they had more people waiting to beat me up outside of the venue than there was for the band to meet the man this is old-school roadie road manager guys going uh we got a problem there's so many people they want it they want to hear it so he goes relax your body and he put a towel over my head and then just lifted me up and my feet never hit the floor and just threw

me in the back of the van and then he hit it it was like kind of like a oh my god i mean kirk cobain had a very sick sense of humor i mean he did he did he did date for all those years uh he was a fan of my stand-up and that's like finding out that, you know, that Jimi Hendrix loved Buddy Hackett or something. But, you know, actually, when I met Groll, because... He's funny. Kurt would play this album. There was three albums in the house, and one of the albums was Divine's album, and I can't remember what the other one was, and then my stand-up.

Oh, that's hilarious. So Kurt would just play my my standup over and over. Wow. This is so good. Should we, should we take a break and go to the third story? I mean, this was fascinating. Sometimes we go off script on this thing. Do we get to two?

We didn't. Okay. I'm sorry. So no, these are just great. We always say everybody has a steering wheel. Yeah, we do. So we'll, we have one more story when we come back and we're going to do maybe one more Patreon thing because I want to tell the story

that we were talking about, Bob at Moon Tower, about the day you desecrated the Arsenio set and your daughter's response. Okay, sure. That's only for our Patreon fans. We'll do that on the other side

of this break. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Daniel. You ready? Yeah, take us home, bro.

Okay, here we go. Final story of the day. Okay. Sent in by Sarah Dunn at Dunn People Town. This is our favorite person. Holding it down in Irish. Irish woman. Also, graphic content warning.

This dude is dumb and it's gross so don't eat lunch don't eat lunch he's dumb and gross the problem is this story so sometimes people listen on their lunch break and sometimes you're trying to tell you just right put the po-boy to hug you down man gets here's the headline man gets kidney beans stuck down his urethra down or would it be up Kidney beans stuck down his urethra. Down or would it be up? It depends on where you're positioning, I suppose. Yeah, where? Are you on your back?

Are you laying down? Right. Where are you standing up? Could also go in. You could just go in. But to me, the headline is misleading. The headline kind of tells me that he tripped and fell on him and got him stuck in there. He put him up there.

Yeah. Right. But they didn't really come from his kidneys. Yeah. Right. So stick, man. But they didn't really come from his kidneys. No. No. They had those beans. I've had kidney stones.

They're awful. All right. A man shoved kidney beans inside his penis for sexual pleasure. Oh. But they ended up getting stuck. Really? really the the identified man of michigan wanted to express the beans during gratification doctors revealed he wanted to release the beans as he climaxed he also wanted to be a like a bean shooter right right right in the hopes of killing a cat which is would be the

worst part of the story actually but his goal of shooting them out with natural emission failed prompting him to try to pluck the beans out using tweezers no sometimes when you find yourself dumb and stop being dumber and right like don't wait don't get a second shovel you literally stop digging you're there well bobcat you tried to do this on the tom snyder show exactly i would uh maybe uh starting with a kidney it was just like uh i'm gonna put my seed in you baby i'm gonna put my seed in me yeah and then get it out i would maybe start with a poppy seed Yeah Sure

Sesame seed Poppy seeds Don't go to Or it's Halloween Pumpkin seeds Pumpkin seeds I mean that's huge The man's attempt

Jack off O'Lantern There you go We found it That's good writing That's good tight writing game Danny just punched it up Punched it down for this guy Jack off O'Lantern Is the name of the episode The man's attempts failed Just punched it up. Punched it down for this guy.

Jack awful lantern is the name of the episode. The man's attempts failed, and he went to the hospital, where he also told medics he had difficult urinating. You have a lot of difficulty. Yeah, difficulty urinating. He confessed that he had engaged in the sex act before, but had never attempted to utilize this many beans, doctors wrote in the journal Urology Case Reports. I'm going to ask you guys.

This is like, I would describe this as a modern day Jack and the Beanstalk. How? Less magic. Less magic. Right. A giant problem. Sure. How many beans did he put in the chamber?

Oh. How many? Bobcat? I'm going to go with three beans. Three beans. Dana, what do you think? I'm going to say six. Six beans.

Okay. His penis was like rosary beads. Yeah, exactly. His penis looked like a condom full of walnuts by the time they were done. Condom full of walnuts. By the way, my favorite spin doctors. Condom full of walnuts is playing at the Roxy with fanny pack full of chicken gizzards. Are they sharing a double bill?

They are. Bob's opening for them. That's great. They love it. Bob, you're finally opening. Jason? He's got a great Kobe Bryant joke to start the whole show. All right, so I'm going to say four beans.

Four beans. Four beans. Okay. I'm going to say 10 beans. Four beans. Four beans. Okay. I'm going to say 10 beans. 10 beans. Yeah, he's just jamming them in there. He's in deep trouble. One of you is exactly right.

Oh! So now we get to play the game. Who do you think is right? Who do you think is exactly right? You can stick with yourself, or you can go with somebody else's guess. How confident are you in your choice, Bobcat? Oh, 100%. Okay, so you say three and you...

I think Bob's right. You say three, Bob. I think I'm right. I said four. You said four? I think Jay's right. Okay. The amount of beans that this man inserted in himself is... Get your answers in now, Townies, wherever you are. If you stayed with us and you put down the sandwich and you picked up the guessing

game, because the number is six beans. Whoa, Dana! Dana, cool! How would I know how many kidney beans you could stick in a urethra? That's really weird. So I think Dana's throwing us off. You knew exactly how many you could stick up there.

I do have a 30- No, go for it. 45-second story. Go for it. You can tell us. Our cat, George. Great cat. Wait, please tell us the name of one of your dogs.

Scott Davis. Scott Davis. Who my daughter just said, asked about Scott Davis. She remembered first name and last name. Well, my cats are Anderson Cooper, Alice Cooper, P-U-R-R and Robert Smith Robert Smith just hates me he just

walks around the house Robert Smith hates everybody you are the Morrissey to his Robert Smith Robert Smith who got into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame are you as excited

as I am judging by your reaction apparently not shut up man you're in the Hall of Fame so wait please sing the Scott

before you do that the the Scott Davis song. He has a song. Oh, yeah. Scott Davis is a theme song. Can we hear just a little. Scott Davis. Scott Davis. He has a truck, but it won't help you move.

Scott Davis. Scott Davis. He's really into his Frisbee golf league. Scott Davis. And it's his little dog. It's a tiny chihuahua with three teeth. sorry cat george was acting weird which is bizarre to say about a cat to begin with cats act weird what is weird for a cat right but uh uh took him to the vet thought there was something wrong and they said at the vet uh he has crystals in his urine that are causing him pain, give him this medication and this pill.

And I said, will it dissolve the crystals? And they said, no, but it will relax his urethra so it won't be as painful when he goes to the bathroom. Now, Jonas Salk came up with the polio vaccine and Alexander Fleming came up with invented penicillin. That's right. Who is the nameless wizard that stared down the- We're taking the word whiz.

Whiz. Whiz. The scourge of the too tight cat pee hole. That is a Shark Tank episode, I miss. What do you do? His family says, what are you working on? Eh, nothing. Yeah, I'm sure.

It's like, well, Craig got into a fight at school today because his friends want to know what you do for a living. Oh, just say I'm in cat pee, for God's sake. Do what you love. Never work a day in your life. It's true. That is the end. You know, it's weird.

It's that they, after all this, they just found kidney beans in James' cat's uterus. You got to stop shoving those up there. Don't kink shame, guys. Kidney beans in the cat pee. Okay. Urologist. Kidney beans in your cat pee.

He told a tale on you. Urologist managed to remove one bean with numbing cream, squeezing his urethra and using a tweezer-like tool. But because it was so tricky to remove, the following day an operation was carried out to remove the remaining five beans. Did you slice it open? Who here has ever taken their child to the emergency room

because they've shoved a bean bead up their nose? A nose or an ear? No. You twice? Same kid twice. They got to pull the... emergency room because they've shoved a bean up a bead up their nose or an ear you know that's tough well sorry this is where it gets wild medics took them out got the beans out by stretching the man's urethra open and inserting a tube to pass surgical tools through so by the way there's a cat pill that he could have taken. You guys know that this is a name for this, right? Yeah. It's called sounding.

Sounding. Yes. It's a sexual act that some men do. It's almost like gauges into your urethra. I know. But doesn't it just shove it further up? Yes. It's a whole thing that some men enjoy doing. So where are the beans now?

Well, I'm saying by them stretching his urethra and going there, he's kind of getting what he originally wanted. You know why they call it sounding? Because it's sounding like you want to be alone for the rest of the lesson. They used graspers. If you're ever in any sort of medical situation where they need

to get the graspers, the urethral graspers. So I have had the urethral graspers so i have had the grass was opening fanny bag full of chicken no i have had so i had a kidney stone that got impacted in my urethra and i had to have surgery and then they had to put in a stent and that was even worse so for 10 days and i remember i i can time stamp this because i was laying on the couch and at a stent and i couldn't pee i was and my wife's like i'm pregnant i'm like i want to celebrate but i have a thing in my penis right now um and 10 days of that and then when it was time to come out i was like so you're gonna put me under and then take this stent out which is

like this long yeah and they're like no just And they're like, no, just they're going to do, you can watch them do it on the thing. And this woman takes this hook thing, goes in and just yanks it out. And I was like, wait, I don't have any, I don't have anything to like numb me down there, nothing. And that's been your kink ever since. Oh, God.

Now I can't get back to that feeling again. Kidney beans up in it. Oh, my God. But it's insane. They used graspers. Yeah. Graspers. Again, I go to the first person that, you know what might be good?

Hand me that flute. No. Yeah, go all the way. Yeah, you go. We need the graspers. A long metal tool with tweezers on the end and a basket that can scoop objects in one piece. Four of the beans were found in the bulbar urethra, a spot halfway around between the opening of the urethra and the bladder.

One had made it all the way into his bladder. That's bad. Wow. I want this to be what the premise for the reboot of The Fantastic Voyage is. You know, where the president's got beans in it. Sure. Yes. Donald Pleasance is attacked by his balls.

Whoever pulled it out, I want that person to go to the claw machine at an arcade with me. Because that guy's going to be able to get any. All I want to know is when he first saw the beans in the little thing, please tell me he went, Fee-fi-fo-fow. Yeah. That's nice. Lean in. Wow. please tell me he went fee five lean in um doctors wrote that there was minimal trauma to the man's urethra and the patient was discharged the same day i actually hate that part because i want people

to read this and have them be like so don't never do that guy was messed up forever like don't say he's fine because then he's like well i was fine i guess i could try this again you got fully released that day we will get out of here on this How old do you guys think the guy is that did this to himself? I do have the age. So what age do you get into urethra play? To know it enough that you're like, all right, this is my thing. Right. And to like go to a six bean level.

That's right. I'm going to say. Go ahead, Dan. Go ahead, Dan. Go. The dumbest age, 26. 26's right. I'm going to say... Go ahead, Danny. The dumbest age, 26. 26 years old. Bob, what do you think? I'm going 65.

That's right. Because this is like someone that got bored with a lot of other things before he's like, you know what? I should... He's divorced. Kids are out of the house. So now he's like, what is David into? Right, I'm gonna shove a bag of kidney beans in my cock

and then watch Mannix. What are you gonna do? Hey, an old army buddy is visiting Mannix today. Hope he's not in up to his eyeballs with the mob.

Because I'm up to the eyeballs and kidney beans. You know what the worst phrase for that guy is? Well, I could clean the garage today. Or, God, I'm up to the eyeballs in kiddies. You know what the worst phrase for that guy is? Well, I could clean the garage today. Or, God, I'm with you, Bob, because I think there's probably like 10 years where this guy's like,

I want to do this, but I don't think I should. And he figures that out at about 30. I'm going to say 44. 44. Does he see beans in the store? And that gets him going. It's like, oh, you crazy little minks. Well, the interesting thing is

he didn't just want the sounding of it, which is normally done with rods. It's not done with objects. He also wanted to expel them. I'm going to revisit the movie Sounder now. You should. I'm going to revisit the movie Rounders. I'm going to revisit the movie Sounder now You should I'm going to revisit the movie Rounders I'm going to revisit Inner Space

I will say 52 52 Okay run it back for me boys Randy 52, 44, 26, 64 Alright we'll get out of this episode on this Loved having you gentlemen with us today Again before we give the answer

The movie is Joyride Speaking of Joyride there's no better way. He thought those kidney beans are going to be taking a Joyride. But like in Bob and Ed, there was a terrible accident. Almost a tragedy. A tragedy was avoided. Sure.

So there you go. October 29th. Pre-order it right now on iTunes. Yeah, you can pre-orderorder right now on itunes joyride if you love comedy if you love documentaries this is perfect a great way to support a brilliant independent film about two people we love all right oh that's very nice the man that's sweet who went six beans deep in his member beans deep now back to the six beans over the line get your answers in now townies wherever you may be thanks for making it all the way through Six beans over the line, sweet Jesus. Six beans over the line. Is.

Get your answers in. No, Townies, wherever you may be. Thanks for making it all the way through. He is 30 years old. Oh, Dana. Dana twice. Dana. Dana dominating this whole episode.

I know. 30. I know weirdos. Finally got an apartment to himself and he's living it up. He's just doing it all well bob we were we were talking about uh because if you go to there's a comedy show at the pleasure chest yes we've done it i believe i've done it with you yes and the the first thing that i noticed is that the the toys don't have the anatomical uh similarities that they used to have, which is, I would assume, part of the appeal

was just the naked shame of it. Yeah. But now they're just like bright lime green ovals. It looked like replacement limbs for an all-Muppet veterans hospital. But Bob had a great observation because sometimes you see literally a rubber fist. Yeah.

A rubber fist, which Bob noted. Well, I think it's, what did I know? I mean, it's. You can't find anyone to fist you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like, you really, you know, it's just sad. That's a low point.

The pleasantries of dating are out the window when you have to go buy an artificial fist for yourself it's just so sad like droopy i can't find anyone to fist me oh you don't have a i don't know why droopy dog's getting fisted in this bit i want him to so bad it's you and me again hello my old friend i remember once i was back when they were like doing like internet content startup and they go no ideas too crazy and i go i wanted to do a thing called fisty and tapeworm and they were a fist and a tapeworm that lived in Bruce Valanche's colon. That's hilarious. And apparently some ideas were a little bit too right there. But by the way, Bruce Valanche, a lovely guy.

It was just the idea that popped into my head at the time. To me, I feel like there's probably a lot of other. The great thing about Bruce Valanche's colon is that like season two, lots of other things could be introduced into his colon. It's a large space where a lot of things could live. Hey, what's Cher doing in here? What isn't she doing? Well, this is great.

This is a great show. Bobcat Goldthwait, Dana Gould, love you guys so much. Thanks for joining us. And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Boom. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb