Dumb People Town - Brad Meltzer - New Shirt Confidence

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

This week, Brad Meltzer comes to town to hear the story of a man who leads police on wild chase through a Palm Beach neighborhood. In story two, a man jumps ship during a surprise company outing. In story three, Brad tells a story about and encounter that he had with Jason, Randy and the Governor of West Virginia. 

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Meltzer. Bradley Meltzer. How are you, sir? You are one of our closest friends in the world, and I'm so happy you're with us. I love the fact that it's coming back. I love that it's not just the first appearance, but the return appearance.

That makes it special to me. You've been on the show a number of times. For people who don't know, New York Times bestselling author, friend of ours who we went to the University of Michigan with, friend of the show, and just a guy who has his whole life centered around understanding the behavior of stupid people. Well, Brad, you are a Florida man, period. I live in Florida and I write about the White House. How could I not be a master of stupid? It's perfect. It's literally like that's the PhD. It's those two things that form the PhD, the pillar of it.

You are your own Venn diagram. Yeah. The inside of those circles. It's one circle. It overlaps so much. It's just one circle. Oh, man. I'm so happy you're here with us. You have a new book out. We'll talk about that in the next segment. The Lincoln Conspiracy. We'll talk about it. I'm so excited about it. with us. You have a new book out. We'll talk about that in the next segment. The Lincoln Conspiracy. We'll talk about it. I'm so excited about it.

But first, we've got dumb stories to get to, Brad. Do you want to jump right in with us? We must. All right, let's do it. All right, let's do it. This was sent in by La Asinia. It's L-A-L-A. Let me take it again.

It's at L-A-A-S-E-S-I-N-A-M-M-A. I feel like I just won a spelling bee. Exactly. It's like the Mississippi River of Twitter handles. There you go. La Asenia. So thank you so much for sending this in. The headline I will read you right now is Man Leads PBSO,

that's the Peanut Butter and Jelly Sheriff's Office, on Wild Chase stealing jewelry and other random things from homes. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The Peanut Butter and Jelly? jelly i don't know pvso i was just making it up i believed you too i totally thought that was right i was like wow they have that they do melter it's your it's kind of in your backyard there palm beach i know that's i was actually wondering it was palm beach so i want to point for every florida story by the way today today. Yes, you get a point. So wait, so how far is Palm Beach from you? So Palm Beach, I will tell you, is about 45 minutes away.

Three drug deals. Three drug deals away, right? But here's the thing about Palm Beach. This is what you need to know about Palm Beach. Palm Beach is where every, like, if you mess up in your life and you're wealthy, you have like your child molester you do something horrible yeah and you want to recreate yourself you go to palm beach you go to palm beach wow so this is the reinvention of everybody who's screwed up like you and palm

beach by the way is also the most expensive it's like the beverly hills of florida like it's where it's because it's an it's an you have to cross a bridge to get to it's not west palm beach regular that's different right west palm beach is like that's fine west palm beach is like don't You have to cross a bridge to get to it. It's not West Palm Beach. West Palm Beach is different. West Palm Beach is like, that's fine. West Palm Beach is like, don't go five miles in any direction because then you're in trouble. And every store has a dog dish for water, but not in a nice, kind way, but in a fancy way. Yeah, okay, got it.

So if a dog starts to go and looks a little slobbery, they're like, get that out of here. Well, on Wednesday around noon, so we got some midday problems in Florida, Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office deputies walked up to Donald Howard, two first names. Yep.

I'm like Donald Howard who? Yeah. They walked up to Donald Howard who appeared to be working on his car on the 4100 block of South Haverhill Road. Now, I love that he says appeared because to them, that's them being like, he wasn't doing a goddamn thing on the car. No, he was like fake tinkering.

You can't work on your car, Brad. You don't know how to do that, do you? I'm Jewish. Yeah, okay, fine. So, the idea that, like, Jay and I worked at full-service gas stations. Remember we came into school? I remember you had the thing with the on the corner oil yeah so clear you wore it to class no we wore it to uh when we rushed the fraternity really no they wore it though listen let's be clear they wore it because they thought it was cool and it was cool because they were like we

were like wait you know how to fix a car you're jewish you know that's like a miracle worker no we're like no when you told them the dip fix a car? You're Jewish, you know how to fix a car? That's like a miracle worker. No, we're like, no. And then you told them the dipstick story? Right. When people would ask us to look under the hood, we would walk around the front, open up the hood, count to 30 seconds, shut the hood and be like, you're fine. You guys look good. That's probably what Donald Howard was doing. That's what this guy was doing.

Yes. Though the deputies were there to arrest him on an open warrant for contempt of court, which he just won't shut his mouth, Howard told them he had to leave which somehow the only reason the rest of this story happens is because the police allowed that to happen yeah hey we were here to arrest you i know but i gotta go i got something i gotta do first i didn't know i went to law school for three years and i didn't know i gotta go is as a great defender. In Palm Beach, it is. In Palm Beach, it works.

All right, let him go. He was probably on the Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Parkway down in Palm Beach. Which is in Palm Beach. Yes, in Palm Beach. It is for sure. He says he told them I had to leave. He jumped in his car, so he wasn't working on it that much, and drove away, making a U-turn when they pulled out their guns. First of all, it's not that he leaves.

It's the U-turn. That's a no U-turn sound right there. It's just a lot of them being like, sir, sir, D. Howard, stop. Guns out. Right. Guns out. And then he just turns around. As Howard headed through backyards of homes in the area,

like, remember the movie L.A. Story, where you just, like, all those secret routes that Steve Martin takes driving through neighborhoods? As Howard headed through backyards of homes in the area... And, Brad, in Florida, like, every front yard in Florida has, like, some sand in it, like it's near the beach, right? But here's the thing palm beach is is known as the place the home of hedges so every home in palm beach is you can't see the front so if you're going through there you're wrecking like a million dollar hedges like

it's crazy land okay so that's where he's going i'm guessing donald howard doesn't care yeah uh he headed through backyard homes in the air. He hit a wood and chain link. That is fancy. You're going both material, a wood and chain link fence. So he left the car behind and ran deputies chased him, but lost him on the forty one hundred block of Caesar Circle forty. So he got only a couple blocks over. He's in the same numbers.

So literally, he's just running perpendicular to the numbers. The police are just like, we can't. Let's just go to test us. They're like, Don, you just go because I told Rick not to let you leave and he said it was fine. So we're done with you, Don. Yeah, we're done. Well, deputies continued to search. Howard made

pit stops along the way, burglarizing several homes, some unoccupied, and others with owners who had told him to leave their property. Which also, everybody's so lackadaisical. If you want to leave or arrest, go ahead. Just get out of here. You want somebody to stop robbing you, tell them to get the hell out of here. But I just admire people who are good at two things, bad driving and thievery. That's right. He's like, I'm going to do both. You know what? I'm on the run, but I might as well

not let this go south on me. Look where I am. I might as well take some stuff while I'm here. He's multitasking. He does not let the opportunity pass him by. On the 4900 block of Canton Road, less than a mile north from where deputies lost sight of him, Howard went into an unoccupied home,

took jewelry, a man's shirt, and refueled. What? I know. It's all about the shirt for me right now. There's nothing but that shirt. He was embarrassed that he was pitting out and he was like, I'm not getting arrested looking like an amateur

coach. See, my head went the other way. I actually thought, as a man who grew up in Florida and wore the Tanser Tan, this must be a really nice shirt. Right. I thought this is going to be. This is one of those. Also, it's Palm Beach, so he probably busted out.

He probably stole a $90 Tommy Bahama. No, he stole something way more. No, he stole something that we don't know the name of. That's right. It's like a Ferragamo Ultra collection. Like a no-label helmet-laying. Right. Like one of those things in LA that everyone wears,

they pay a lot of money to look real. So much work to look so casual. Yes. One of those shirts. Yes. It just falls correctly. That's true. All right.

I'm going to ask you guys. They say here, they specifically chose this word as he refueled. What do you think he drank in their house to refuel brad you're a guest you can go first yeah i mean i so the first my brain first went to sadly that he refueled his car right right and then i was like that doesn't even make any logical sense because he's already left it right and he's at someone's house he's left it to like no one in palm beach has a gas can i can tell you that there's nobody west palm beach has plenty yeah so i'm gonna go i i feel like it has to be a liquid as opposed to like spaghettios or like a canned good you know although

that'll be so much better if you like stop for the can opener but so i'm gonna i'm gonna guess it's gonna be some uh like gatorade or or red bull like some kind of pick me up okay jay what do you think i was like a gallon of sunny d okay okay it's not orange juice but it resembles it i'm gonna say coffee he needs that caffeine boost kind of like it's kind of like red bull but in a different direction see now i'm now thinking it's alcohol that's a good good now i want to thinking it's alcohol. That's a good... Now I want to change my vote. I think that's a good call.

So what do you think it is? Brothel of vodka? You know what? I'm going to stick with mine because I don't want to step on Jay's amazingness, but I do think that refuel is the perfect word for we don't want to tell you what it is. So I'm going to say Sunny D and vodka.

Okay, fine. So a combo. Yeah, that's good. Stick with your thing. It's like a gas station screwdriver. A Phillips head screwdriver. A Phillips head screwdriver. There you go. Okay. like a gas station screwdriver. A Phillips head screwdriver. There you go.

He went into the home. This is going to get a little West Palm Beach for you because the owner of the home said that she later found three empty Capri Suns. I was close. You're in the wheelhouse. Capri Sun is the sunny D of children's drinks. Of single serving drinks. Of children's drinks. Of single-serving drinks.

Of soccer team snacks. My favorite moment in imagining that, by the way, is him trying to fight with the straw on the pouch. Yeah, you're right. Stabbing it down. That shows you the lead that he had on the cops. If he could stop and get the straw in multiple Capri Suns. Three Capri Suns.

Yeah. By the way, he had one and he went back. He's just showing off. He went back for more. That's showboating. That's showboating. That's high stepping at your own 20. You know what I mean?

I've also almost murdered members of my own family when they can't open their own juice box. Yes. So I appreciate that. At the height of that anxiety, he pulled that off. He was able to put on a challenge. You know what that is? That's new shirt confidence. He had the new shirt on.

And he's like, I can do anything. He's like, in the old shirt, I would have never been able to do this. No way. That's why he took the shirt is for the confidence. He definitely needed it. That's right. So they found three empty Capri Suns, a sweaty shirt scattered between her bedroom and back porch. That's an interesting transition spot, according to the porch.

So he got rid of the sweaty to put on the nice new. She also found a bag of her stolen items that were later found in a barbecue at the home on Empire Way where the authorities originally attempted to arrest him, which means he took things from her house and all the way back to the original place that no cop decided to stay

and see if he was going to come back at. Threw it in the barbecue grill. Threw it in the barbecue grill. They're not going to barbecue. No one's going to look for that. Are they really going to barbecue right now? I also think you have to, he hid the stuff in the barbecue, but he threw away the shirt, which makes me think he ran past the mirror and the thieving of the

shirt was like, he didn't like how he looked. Everything else was taken to hide, but that he was like, no, no. I can i can't i'm alone with my skin color for the crime you're committing not the car you were working on that's right there you go you're pretending to work yes so so if we follow along here that means he ran like three blocks east or west and then went like less than a mile north then came all the way back to where he was, quote unquote, working on the car and hid the bag of stuff in the barbecue grill. I admire the sense of the human compass right there that he could find his way back. Pretty good.

Oh, yeah. He's like a Labrador. One man told deputies that Howard walked into his home with a bag of jewelry asking to use his phone and for some water. He is parched, guys. He is. He's running, Dan. The man refused and Howard ran, leaving behind some of the jewelry, which I hope that he had gotten himself into some sort of bartering system and he was willing to try and trade jewelry to this man for water. Yeah. I'm personally disappointed, though. I'm disappointed, though, that he didn't ask the man for water yeah yeah i'm personally disappointed though i'm disappointed though that he didn't ask the man for a capri sun i know stick with what you know

buddy stay with the drink that brought you that's right dance with the girl you brung um so that he leaves there he leaves jewelry there after i've had a conversation too i just imagine what do you need water and your phone no get out of here you want some jewelry you can, but if you get caught, I'm saying that I didn't have anything to do with it. It's like a Florida version of that scene in Pulp Fiction, like the spider has caught another spider, right? so good after true after two and a half hours 20 deputies five green acres police officers four palm beach officers canines and the sheriff's helicopter i feel like i'm singing a christmas song authorities were able to locate howard just blocks away from where they started which means he left there again too i don't have confidence in the Palm Beach Police Department. Do you? I don't have

confidence in any police department that names themselves Green Acres. There you go. Yes, I agree with that. Because New York is where they'd rather stay. As authorities close in, residents told officers the man ran through their yards. I mean, this is a banner day in this neighborhood.

It's Ferris Bueller's day off. He's running. That's all I see, by the way. That's all I see is Ferris Bueller being the vice president. Jumping over the girls and their music and looking back and being like, how you doing, Ferris Bueller? Ferris Bueller. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. The six-foot, 225-pound man ignored deputy's request to stop, yelling F-U before he eventually ended up on the ground and out of breath. That does not mean they tackled him. No, he's just laid down. He's like, I know he's doing that. Yeah. Give me a minute.

Just give me a minute. Put up the weight, the single finger. Give me a minute. Yeah, exactly. A lot of that. Guys, guys, you didn't hear me say time out. I said it two houses ago. Okay, give me a sec. So he lays down on the ground. I need to refuel Howard faces multiple charges of burglary assault on an officer fleeing

and eluding damaging property and possession of drug equipment among other charges. I love a lot graded from paraphernalia. All right, I'm going to ask you guys. He left behind a trail of jewels and juice boxes a green acres man this is oh this is the last fun thing this is how they sum it up at the end i want to read this first leaving behind a trail of jewels and juice boxes a green acres man who led palm beach county sheriff's deputies on a two-hour chase while he burglarized home he had one request as they put him into handcuffs he said said, quote, I need some water because I'm extremely thirsty from recently smoking crack, according to the report. Rolling down the street, smoking in, sipping on Jules and juice.

So the Capri Suns didn't quench it for him. I'm going to ask you guys before we get out of story number one. How old do you think Donald Howard is? Review what you know about him. 6'3", 250. Like 225. Ran for two hours. Yeah.

Two hours of running. Works. Pretends to work on cars. That's the crack, Brad. Loves a Capri Sun, but is happy for some water. Really got in a lot of cardio. Knew when he was done. Yep.

He was like, I'm just going to lay down here for a minute. This is my cool down. You are our guest. You can go first, Tigger. Third, where do you want to go? I want to say, you know what? I'm going to just say what I want to say. Okay, go first.

I want him to be 15. Right? I'm just going the opposite. A 15-year-old Donald Howard. I want the Capri Sun to be in the Port Demographic. That's right. So if it's Jules like the vaping Jules, then Jules and Capri Suns, that is a 15-year-old. That is a 15-year-old.

Jay, what do you think? This guy is 39 years old. 39 years old from Jason Silva. This guy's 26. 26 years old. 26. No, go high. Go way high.

Go way high. All right, he's 52. 52. I say 52. Okay, 52 from Randy. What high. Go way high. All right. He's 52. I say 52. 52 from Randy. What did you say? 39. This is the widest range of ages we've ever had. Ever. We will close out on this because Donald Howard

is 43 years old. Oh! I was right. You were right. 39. You said go old and I went old. Oh! You were right! I was right. Jay, you were right. 39. That was close. You said go old,

and I went old. That's amazing. All right, first story down in the books. Brad Meltzer's with us. When we come back on the other side of the break, we're going to talk about his phenomenal book. I'm so excited about it. His latest book.

Latest book. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Before we get into Meltzer's awesome book,

I want to remind people Dan Van Kirk has a daily podcast called The Good Night Show. You should get on board with that. It is the first thing I listen to in the morning. I love it so much. A lot of people listen to it to put themselves to sleep at night in the way that it is the most comforting so calming it is so calm and funny and super chill i didn't know that that's what was going on this week like it's it's just meant to give you a break you will love this it is very

chill and then randy and i have a daily podcast that we've started that's been growing and i'm really proud of it it's called sclabro country the virus edition aka the pandy pods aka two guys one couch aka two jews no harm and kill aka two wolverines one two wolverines one quarantine aka two sclars no bars all right so about this one aka clean faces at a steady paces there we go so and the other thing is we have a new we have sort of created erected and created a YouTube page called Scalabro Country, of which, upon which, Brad Meltzer's son, who is amazing, Jonas, who is going to Michigan next year, has been sitting around and watching episodes. He is being introduced to cheap seats on our YouTube page. Just speak about that briefly, and then we'll get into your book. Yeah.

No, I was going to say, not introduced, obsessed. That's great. Really, he is consuming them like he's just on Breaking Bad in the height of it. Yeah. I come down, and the great thing is I watched with him today. When I came down for lunch, he literally was watching Sheepseed's Evil Knievel episode, which there's no better episode for me. That's my core demographic.

That's right. You remember it. I was jealous of you having the jumpsuit. And I come down, and what's so great is you made like a Mindy Kohn reference, which was perfect for Facts of Life. And Jonas is laughing. He has no idea who Facts of Life or Mindy Kohn is, but he knows it's funny. He knows it's like someone saying Benny Goodman when we were young.

He just knows it's right. And someone saying benny goodman when we were young like he just knows it's right that's right and so he is obsessed with it 18 year olds if you have a young son in high school or it is perfect it is pitch perfect it is aged in no way except you know and and you guys are clean shaven so you've come full circle like with no like sports or anything happening right now like what a great way to see like some hilarious competitive people and then have you guys with such great jokes and bits and characters the other thing that he really loves is he is not only watching it but on the bottom because it was on espn all the scores all the scores are there so he's literally watching the scores he's like the heat are gonna beat this is the year they win the championship he He's like this. 2006? That's right. He's literally rooting 2006. Oh, my God.

And he loves it. He loves everything about it. It's the only new sports intake he's getting right now. It's great. So, again, it's YouTube, Scalabro Country. Subscribe to the page. It's growing in subscriptions, which is great. And we just want to have as many people watching as possible.

But let's talk about your book, which is out today. So, people who are listening to this know that the day this thing drops, we got your next quarantine book right here. Here it is right here. Meltz, explain it. It sounds so amazing when you were talking to us before the show. Yeah, so it's basically, it's called The Lincoln Conspiracy. And everyone knows the story of John Wilkes Booth when he kills Abraham Lincoln. This is not that story.

This is the story of the first secret plot to kill Abraham Lincoln. And what happens at the time is there's a secret society that plots to murder him. To get to, when he's elected in 1860, he has to go to Washington, D.C. from Illinois. The only way you get there is by train. And the train must go through, no matter how you take it you got to go through baltimore and baltimore maryland at the time was a slave state so the plan is a secret society is going to murder him in the middle of the night they're going to kill abraham lincoln at the start of his career and i won't ruin it but i'll tell you the prologue is opens up you're on a speeding train there's a two men there's an invalid guy with his sister none of them are who they say they are is actually

alan pinkerton the world's first private detective in america there's kate warren the world's first female private eye and the invalid is a man named abraham lincoln who is of course no invalid and they are all in disguise all using secret code names and they are saving abraham lincoln's life from this secret society that's set to kill him. And that's chapter one. And it just rolls from there. You get to see Abraham Lincoln and everything. This sounds so, this sounds so fascinating. And I'll say this about every single one of Meltzer's books. If you've never read a Meltzer's book,

a Meltzer book to me, reading books by Brad Meltzer is like binging a show on Netflix and a really good show that's on Netflix. Because at the end of the episode, there is always something compelling that says, I got to watch this next one. That is the end of the episode, there is always something compelling that says, I got to watch this next one. That is the end of every Meltzer chapter is like, oh my God, I cannot stop. You're the worst thing to read at night because it's the best thing to read at night. And then it's the worst thing. Cause you're like, I'm just going to read a chapter before I go to

bed. And the next thing you know, I'm like 12 chapters, a hundred pages. Cause I can't stop. Cause I literally cannot go to sleep sleep not knowing what's happening next. But we're stuck in our houses. We have whole weekends where we're sitting there going, what do I do? You've watched all the crap you want to watch. I'm saying right now, go get The Lincoln Conspiracy. You will thank us for it. And then you'll dive back in if you haven't been through the whole Meltzer catalog.

Plus, you got Mother's Day and Father's Day coming. So that alone, you can get to read it and then give it away. Oh, dude. For sure. It is a Melzer book. You do secret societies better than anybody. By the way, this secret society is the craziest secret society because it's led by a Civil War barber, which has the best mustache, of course, we guarantee. I'm sure.

And then what he does is he's like, in this fancy hotel, you go in the basement of the hotel, they have secret code words, which you'll see, and you give the right code word to this barber, he'll tell you about his secret plot to kill Abraham Lincoln. And you're just like, you can't wait to watch this racist, stupid moron be taken down. And it's just amazing to watch it all fall apart. I think you should for, because of the amount of research you do for every book, the, and it's amazing because we've seen, we've been with you as you've sort of gone through the process of research. Your research is so extensive. You could probably do a documentary about this barber, like do a whole like hour long documentary about this dude and the society and what it is because you do so much. And it's amazing how you'll do all this

research. And then it comes out in just like the, the coat that the guy's wearing. You know what I mean? And then the thing that's really fun, listen, it's also a time where America's deeply divided. We hate each other. Half the country thinks the other half is a bunch of total, utter morons, and we despise it. Like, does it sound familiar to you? So, you know, this is Abraham Lincoln at the end of his presidency, but this is him as he's starting and he's scared and he's nervous he loses the inaugural address he goes to visit his dead father's grave before he leaves for washington dc to be sworn in and when they tell him he's won you'll appreciate he is playing literally handball on the back of the building when they tell him he's won. And you get to see Abraham Lincoln be a person.

He's an actual human being who's scared. And he's convinced for sure, you will see the dream sequence in there that he has, that he's going to die while he's in office. And he's absolutely right. Oh my God. He actually calls the shot early. It's amazing.

In the same way that Lin-Manuel Miranda so beautifully brought history and made it relevant and made it palatable for today in the way that you're placed in that moment and you feel like in a context that you can understand. That's what a Meltzer book will do to you. This is it. The Lincoln Conspiracy. We'll mention it again at the end. Get it. Let's jump into another story while we've got you here, okay?

Let's do it. All right. We're bringing it up right now. Okay, here we go. here. Okay, do it. All right. We're bringing it up right now. Okay, here we go. This is a story of somebody who should have never been in this situation to begin with and then how they reacted and what we all think of. All right, it was sent by Lenny at M Leonard eight. Okay, all right, Leonard part eight comes from CNN dot com. That first story we got was from the Palm Beach Post. All right.

A surprise company outing already. Surprise, we're going on a company outing. Like, I'm good. To an air base caused a 64-year-old French man so much stress that he flung himself from a fighter jet in midair. Now, we covered this story. We talked about it, but I'm excited to do it and just see what happens. We talked about this story on our daily podcast. This is

insane. There's so many things. Is it bad that I'm already disappointed that he's French and not Floridian? Right. Well, maybe he's from the Florida part of France, which I don't even know what that would be. The sunny part. Yeah, or the French part of Florida. It caused him so much stress,

he flung himself from a fighter jet in midair, grabbing the ejector button in a panic and tumbling through the skies above France before landing in a field. You should not be able to grab the ejector button that easily. First of all, why can you grab an ejector button? No, I'm assuming that it was down by his hand. There's got to be like a thing you have to

flip over. You have to push it. You don't grab it. No, he's like, I'm just going to put some more air on right here. Oh my God! Like he's yelling. You assume he's yelling to the pilot like, the guy was probably like, grab that red button and hold on. No, not that red button.

Oh God. It's poor design. You grab the orange button., no, not that red button. Oh, God. It just, that to me is poor design. It's poor design. You grab the orange button. You grab the reddish orange button. You think there's like five colored buttons right there and he's just colorblind? That's what the story is. You need to cover that before you put him in.

Grab the periwinkle button. No, not the light blue. What's mauve? The powder blue. Powder blue. The man had been surprised by employees at his firm who had organized a joy ride in a desalt rafael b jet for him as a treat why would you do that why would you do this without clearing

it with someone that they want to do i'm gonna go you're crazy why would you not do that i know i would do it but what do you you see like what are we doing today surprise with who the company i'm already out there's two red flags that's right and like, well, what are we doing today? Surprise. With who? The company. I'm already out. There's two red flags. That's right. And then they're like, where are we going? Do an airbase? What for? You're going to get in a fighter jet?

Now, I personally would say yes. I would never say yes. Dan, I would never say yes. You wouldn't ride with the Blue Angels. No. I want. Brad, would you? No way.

Brad, would you do the push? I want to do. I actually go. So, I entertain with the USO around the world. And they used to, we've been to Qatar, been to all these places in Kuwait, and they used to take all the authors up in fighter jets, and so many authors, because I will tell you that when I went the first time, the two teams that came before us were the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, then the MMA fighters, and then the literacy authors. Then the MMA fighters. Yeah. And then the literacy authors.

And my, my friend was like, can you tape the audible sigh when you walk in the room so that we know that it's you, but they, they, the authors were throwing up so much on the fighter jets that they stopped bringing us on. I'm telling you,

I would yak all over the place. There's no way I would do that. Well, Brad, have you seen, and Dan, have you seen those videos? Okay.

In Atlanta, Georgia, there's this gigantic uh slingshot that like it's almost like a oh my daughter my daughter went on that she went on it stop she went on it she said it was the scariest thing she ever went on so there are videos okay there are so many videos from gopros of people passing out while they're in the air. So like they're- Because they're afraid. And the thing, because they're just, it's crazy.

Is it shooting you into the ocean? No, it shoots you over- It is crazy. It shoots you straight up like a slingshot. Like a slingshot. And it shoots you over the park and people just lose their brains. So like-

Where do you land? Big burly, it just goes back and forth. Oh, okay. I thought it literally- You stay attached to the slingshot. You're attached to the thing, but you're on this thing and they just pull it back and you fling for it's like a bungee cord but like flinging straight out and dudes who get on they're like yeah this is gonna be easy and

like they're like and then they pass out and then they wake up when they're there and they're still going they're like and they pass out again that it's it's because they're pulling too many g's you have to see the video but let me tell you something. If you did do that, you would not say, you know what? I need to now hit the ejector button. No. Right. Because that's not thinking about what's going to happen next. But here's the thing.

There is really only one person, one 64-year-old man who something like this is good for, and that's Tom Cruise. Yeah. Tom Cruise is the only guy that could eject from a fighter jet going at like what is it 22,500 square feet crazy that he'd like climbed on the outside of that plane for his uh listen i saw you see him when he when he has james corden by the way i need to add this part sure my nephew who's really young he's four years old he actually calls james harden james corden and and and we do not correct him anymore we just go with it

so I need to tell this story and make it the way you want but James Corden when Tom Cruise jumped out of the plane with him you can see what real fear looks like and you see Tom Cruise has no fear he does not care he's like well because he's dead inside Scientology has basically taken the soul out of him

the most recent Mission Impossible, the scenes and stuff they do in that are insane. Well, where he climbs on the outside of that plane? No, that's the one before. Where did he break his ankle? That's the one before. That's the one before. The motorcycle one is the crazy one.

Yeah, the most recent one is the motorcycle, and then also the one where he breaks his ankle. Yes, you can see the shots in there where he smashes his ankle into the wall. And then they took them. They created new technology to do the follow shot of him walking out the back of his plane. They created a new mask because they wanted to be able to see his face. Everybody knows him and Chris Evans really did this. Oh, my God.

Or not Chris Evans, the guy who plays Superman. I can't remember his name, right? Henry Cavill. Yes, Henry Cavill. Christopher Reeves? No, different one. Yeah, you're going to hell for that one. You're going to pay for that.

Excuse me. I just got to hit the ejector button. Right. Jason, you were saying you're going to go up there and throw up. If you told me like, hey, there's so many times in your life you're going to throw up into a toilet. This time you're going to throw up, but you're going to do it in a jet. I'd be like, awesome. I'm going to throw up anyway.

No, thank you. Brad, no thank you. Brad will do it too. No, Brad. I just still like that. I respect the guy who said, I got an idea. Yeah. We have access to the jet.

We got to go. This is how we're doing it. He's going to love it. Well, was he in the army? Has he ever mentioned that he liked jets? Nope. So let's do it. That's what they say here.

Apparently, the people at the company didn't know their colleague as well as they thought. Let's do it. It's what they say here. Apparently, the people at the company didn't know their colleague as well as they thought. Once the man arrived at Saint-Dizier Air Base in northeastern France in March 2018. What are we doing here, guys? And realized what his co-workers had arranged, he began to feel extremely stressed, according to a fairly remarkable aviation accident report by the French government agency. So don't go!

The unnamed man had never expressed any desire to fly in a fighter jet and had no previous military aviation experience. Don't go. This is the worst Secret Santa ever. To me, he obviously doesn't want to go, right? He doesn't want to go. But unlike me, he doesn't know his

limit. Dan, when Dan got into the little egg in the St. Louis Arch. Have you ever been to the top of the Arch, Brad? I have been to the top of the Arch. So Dan got into the little egg in the uh st louis arch have you ever been to the top of the arch brad i have been to the top okay so dan got into the little egg elevator he sat down and there were like five of us it was there four of us it was me and jason our buddy scott ragowski rags and dan and dan got in and he sat down and he looked at it and he looked around he's like nope and i got up and they were like you know your limits yes see i can tell you that when i was in high school when i was in high school um i we had the idea to take howie robinson's car to the aventura mall to do 360s and donuts in the parking lot at 3 a.m now i had

never done a donut or a 360 before but i was like i would like to however if you said now we're going to change that cordia that he was driving into a fighter jet i would say i know my limits right i can't do it i looked at these guys and i said i know my limits and it got off if it was a job or some show we were shooting and i had to run i could write it i'll fight off the panic and and i won't enjoy it but it won't ruin anything and no one will worry about me and i'll be fine but i didn't need to do any of that so i knew my dan made the call and said i'm getting off this guy could have said it along the way. Hey, 64 years old.

You guys are great. I really appreciate this. He's not new at this. Right. He's not new at this. He knows what he's spent his long life. Let's go to French Fuddruckers and have some fun and just forget about this. I mean, maybe he's 64 and he's like, hey, I'm lucky to be at any office.

Sure. I'm 64. I was actually thinking that he's probably worried about feeling like the old guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's probably motivating that baby. Well, thanks to the watch he was wearing, they could measure his heart rate. Investigators noticed that his heart was in full tachycardia before the flight with a recorded heart rate ranging from 136 to 142 beats per minute.

Okay. I'm going to do my heart rate right now just sitting here. Wait, can I just tell you in law school my two best friends one was an orthodox jew yeah the other one was a mormon and we used to have races where we'd time each other's heart rates and then we'd see who had the lowest and i guarantee you that mine just like yours randy and jason is going to be like this guy in france but the mormon always had like 40 beats a minute. Really? He was calm as could be.

And this is just in a law school class, not a fighter jet. Because he had so many wives to deal with all the problems. That's right. You can pawn all the problems off on all the other wives. Where are you at? I'm at 73, which is actually a lot. The other night I was like at 54. You're at 74 now.

I was at 51. Wow, you give a stress. Really? Where are you at, Jay? Well, the man went through the ride, joining a three-plane training exercise as a passenger. The Raphael B is used by the French Air Force and has a

maximum speed of 870 miles per hour. So he's going like 900 miles an hour. That's a clip. That's fast. When the jet was 2500 feet above the ground and the pilot began to climb, the passenger panicked and reached for something to hold on to. Might want to look where you're going.

Okay, but the ejector button shouldn't be that close to something to hold on to. I agree. You should not be able to grab that. I'm at 86. You should be able to reach it, but not grab it. Like, it's not within grabbing reach. It should not be the thing you grab in a moment of panic. Exactly.

Of course not. I'm at 88 beats per minute. Jesus. Unfortunately. You're going to die. That something he grabbed was the ejector seat button, and the 64-year-old flew from the flight. Imagine the pilot being like, what the hell are you doing back there?

I imagine him because he's like, I've got something, I'm calm, and then he ejects. The exact worst thing he could do. Oh, yeah. And, yeah, he thinks, all right, thank God I found something to hold on to. What does he think? He grabbed the handbrake? All right. This will slow it down.

I will turn this plane around if you don't stop messing around. Can you imagine what his heart was doing when he flew out of that plane? He said, to make matters worse, he had not securely attached his helmet, which went flying through the air. I'm going to ask you guys an honest to God question. It's a little gross, but we'll never know the answer. Did he shit himself? Of course.

A little bit. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. A little bit. Even if he was too afraid not to, I don't think he has enough training to control his bowels. You can't control. Because, Dan, you don't know that a parachute's going to open.

You don't know anything. You don't know anything. You just know that you've now left the flying thing. Yeah, because if you didn't know where the eject button was, you don't know if you have a parachute on. So you have two feelings right now. One, I'm going to die, And two, I'm going to die. That's it.

That's all you're feeling. You know what? I don't even think you're going, you know, my helmet feels a little loose. No. No. Everything feels loose. Your bowels, all of it. It's gone.

Also, do you think this guy, when this is over with, how does he go back to the office? So that's what I was going to say. Because you know those things where they have like a special lunch it's somebody's birthday maybe a couple people have a cocktail you ate more than you wanted to at the cheesecake factory and then they're like all right let's go back to the office and you look and it's 247 and you're like really gonna go back for an hour and a half two hours yeah i'm not like i would love it at the end of this so like all right guys let's all go back to work back to work they had but i also think they had i also think about it seems to me in the setup of this entire premise that they were sneaking this fighter

jet away it's like they have access to it and then they steal it away and no one's you want to return the car yes again go back let's bring it back to ferris bueller you got to return the car pristine they're walking around missing a seat that's missing a seat it's missing and by the way how about the guy the pilot who's flying it and all of a sudden this guy ejects and the top is open and flapping around. He now has to land a plane without the extra weight in the back. He has to land a convertible. He has to put the brick on the gas and make Cameron make sure he doesn't kick it out the window.

That's right. Just go backwards. Oh, my God. Such a great scene. That scene is so good. I bet, and do you feel this way? I bet just now knowing about auditions and stuff i bet that was the scene that uh alan ruck had to uh that he had to read that is also the scene

that when you're a kid you just care about the crash and i watched it recently with my kids yeah that is that scene that alan ruck is pulling off there is so emotional at such a high level and nothing i appreciated it is the answer to life is in that scene totally and we just were like cool crash when i was 13 that's right so good and and and and uh what's his name's restraint matthew broderick's restraint and just like letting him have the moment so he's backing off and he's he they switch roles essentially like a little bit. He's like, we'll just flip it back. I thought this might happen.

We flip it back. And he's just like, no, no, this is good. I'm the one with the devil may carry. And by the way, you know who lives near that house and who just sent me a picture of it because he saw our holiday card, which was Ferris Bueller theme this year? Yep. Marlon Stone. No way.

Marlon Stone lives by the real house. Marlin Stone is a dumb people town story. Do you remember? Do you remember Marlin Stone stories? Marlin Stone. Hold on. First of all, I remember Marlin Stone, me and you, jumping into that University of Wisconsin classroom.

That was Marlin Stone. So here's what we're going to do for the third, for the final story, is we're going to trade Marlon Stone stories and Dan's going to listen to them. That's going to be our third segment. We should trade our own dumb people down. We should tell, we've never told the story of the governor of West Virginia

and the head of the football team. Sure, we will, but we've got to put Marlon Stone up in a context. Oh, he'll be good. We love him. So I'll wrap this up. Fortunately, the man avoided serious injury after parachuting to Earth in a field near the German border. I don't know if that's how far.

As a Jew, that's right. By the way, it's so much better if this is a World War II story. That's right. So much better. Also, on our podcast, my question, is it the actual border of Germany or just a German border? A guy who's been staying at your house who's from Germany. German border.

He's my German border. Come down over here. He's flying down. Investigators concluded the error was caused by an involuntary reflex. No. Prompted by stress and the jet's sudden movement. Don't put it on the jet. What a way to blame the victim.

The jet's the one that lost its top and you're like, that's on you. A good workman does not blame his tools. The pilot was not ejected and managed to land the plane safely despite suffering some minor facial injuries during the ordeal. The passenger, meanwhile. Who's going to pay for that? The passenger, meanwhile, was taken to a nearby hospital. Genie in accounting. It was your idea.

You now have to pay for his minor injuries. I actually agree with it being as if the ejector button ejected the pilot. Yeah. And then this guy's left. And then what? Land it. Land it. All right.

That's story number two. Wow. That's a crazy story. Brad Meltzer's with us. He's got a brand new book that is out today. As this drops, it is fantastic. Lincoln Conspiracy. I am so excited to read it.

You all, this is it. We're giving you your quarantine assignment right now. Go pick up this book and go read it. When we come back, we're going to trade Marlon Stone stories because he is, it's insane. We'll trade a couple quick ones and then we'll tell the story of how we...

Okay, done. Alright, there's just stories of our lives. Brad, Jason, and I tell some dumb stories on the other side of this break. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. You can follow Brad Meltzer on Twitter, at Brad Meltzer.

Do you, are you, have an Instagram? You do Instagram, don't you? Yeah, Instagram, Facebook, all of it. Same thing. At Brad Meltzer. Follow him if you have little kids. He has a great series of books. And cartoon on PBS. So let people know about that.

You have so much stuff going on that we want to focus on the right things. We have Xavier Riddle in the Seeger Museum, which is on PBS. And it stars Xavier, his sister Idina, and their best friend Brad, the most handsome cartoon character of all time. That's awesome. But they have a problem. They're being bullied, as an example. They go back in time and they meet Rosa Parks. Rosa Parks teaches them how to deal with bullies.

They come to the present day and your kid becomes a better child thanks to My Creative Mind. And it's loosely based – is it loosely based on the books that you wrote in terms of – No, no. It truly is based on the Ordinary People Change the World books. It is – Chris Eliopoulos and I created these cartoon biographies to give you, help you give better heroes to your kids. And it's literally based, and our stories are in the book. Amelia Earhart, Abraham Lincoln, Rosa Parks, Albert Einstein. Your kids need better heroes today.

They do. And our kids love those books. Like, you can tell which books your kids will gravitate towards. So check those out if you've got little kids and you're looking for books to get them. It's just a great series of books that Brad Meltzer did. But we were in college together, and we sort of, we would traverse the same, and we were in the same fraternity. We spent a lot of time together. We did some crazy things together. We were in contact with, I would say Marlon Stone was probably the craziest guy that we knew, right? He was in your frat?

Well, Marlon, and I love Marlon. I actually still see Marlon. I love him. Marlon was, you know, you and I, we always, all three of us bonded because we had kind of different parents than everyone else had. Everyone else had these like wealthy suburban things.

And we thought we kind of like, we were through the fight. Like our dads were both sales guys and we like had to sell for a living. But Marlon had like like he didn't have backup you know so he does that that idea of limits that is built into you like i'll i'm gonna i'm saving my mind i i'm laughing right now i just remember i just remembered a good one about him so yes keep going so my story that i remember about him wasn't even us with him i was not that two stories without

him he would got mad at the baseball coach he got into a feud with the baseball coach of his high school team. So in the middle of the night, the day before the sectional tournament, which was to be played on their field, he broke into the field and planted a tree on the pitcher's mound. Shut up. I don't even know if that's true. Here's my favorite one. My favorite one is that him, and I think it was him, and Marlon, I'm sorry if this isn't,

but I think it was him, in a rental car during one of our trips, pulled the emergency brake on the highway to see what would happen. And I think, I'm pretty sure it was him or someone else, and the transmission came out of the bottom of the car. Which is spectacular in itself. The other one was that he, when he went to his high school, it's crazy now to think of it, but there was like a woman who drove the Zamboni machine

at the high school thing. And she came from a large margin. And he went to high five her and he accidentally reached too far and punched her in the face. And not, I don't know, I don't think it was on purpose, but like, and then the Zamboni started careening out of control. And like, he couldn't stop it because she's on the ice and there was nothing he could do. But the thing is, these stories would not be nearly as good if Marlon didn't have like the biggest heart and you didn't fall in love with him. That was the best part of it.

He's not a jerk. It's like all these things happen, but he was not a jerk so our trip to west virginia so we went on this when we were freshmen on a walkout trip like we're all going somewhere so we drove to the university of west virginia for reasons that i can't even like i think one guy in our whole group knew someone who was there that's it skeeter soeter. Skeeter had knew a girl. So he knew a girl. And none of us knew. So we show up at West Virginia for a weekend. None of us have anywhere to stay. We don't

know what to do. We end up crashing in like the lounge of a dorm. These guys let us that was the nicest thing ever. They let like 15 dudes just like crash in this lounge of this dorm. And then it was a I don't know why this, how we knew it was, who were they playing? Penn State was playing West Virginia.

It was Penn State, Virginia was playing West Virginia. And we were sitting outside, there was a pep rally. And I came and said, if I can get us to sing the national anthem, will you guys come and sing the national anthem? And everyone was like, yeah, we'll sing the national anthem with you. You guys were like, we'll sing the national anthem will you guys come and sing the national anthem and everyone's like yeah we'll sing the national anthem with you you guys were like we'll sing the national anthem so i went over to the person who had a clipboard who was like some you know senior or junior girl and i said to her hi we're here from the penn state choir and we're here to sing the national anthem and she looks down at her clipboard and she's like oh um oh my gosh i don't have you down here but you know

what let me you know what let me you know what you guys are going to sing and then you'll introduce the governor and i'm like okay i'll introduce the governor of west so now this is how the dumb people town story starts and we are the dumb people in this to be clear we are so far i come racing back and i'm like guys we're going to sing and we're introducing the governor. Now, at that moment, none of our friends are willing to sing. Nobody's willing to sing. So I got like, maybe it was like Matt Capista was like, I'll sing or whoever it was, was like, I'll sing. So we go, so there's like two people and we go back and like, here's the choir.

Now, at some point they, they find and realize that we are not the Penn State choir. Right. They just look, they get, they get, they get a whiff of something that says we're not the Penn State Choir. So they say to me, listen, you know what? We're running late. We can't have you sing. And I said, listen, our alumni are going to be so upset because they all think we're singing. So can you just do me a favor?

Can we at least get a picture with the governor? And this woman says, you know what? That's a fair trade. So it's myself, randy it's jason and joe epstein and randy and jason are taking the picture i remember it was like on an old like disposable camera like one of those old crappy cameras and right for the orange light and and they take the picture of me and joe and it's it's the governor of west virginia and the and the coach of the West Virginia football team are in the picture. And now Randy and Jason are going to go. And this is the dumb thing.

Now, Dan, you have to answer this question. So as I hand the camera to them, that they hand the camera to me and I'm going to take their picture. What do Randy and Jason whisper to me in that moment oh i don't know what it's a good it's a great it's a it's a great it's probably the best thing you could whisper in a picture that you're gonna take what would you do in a picture that would be the best thing to do with the governor i'll give you two seconds i don't know what you guys say this is what they whisper they whisper into my ear as they as they lean in and hand me the camera i'm gonna give the governor the bunny ears so we and so now i've seen we weren't gonna get arrested no no no no

so now here's the thing so now i see you have see, it's like a slow motion moment. So I see them and there's two giant men on the sides of the governor's body guards. And it's Randy, the governor of West Virginia, the Penn, the West Virginia football coach. And basically Jason's on the other side. And then another big body guard.

And as I'm taking the picture, I can see slowly behind the governor's head. These two fingers rise up. two antennas rise up behind him and just at that moment the the the head giant um security guard grabs his arm slaps it down pulls it down at which point i hit click now because this is not 2020 we have to wait two weeks for the film to be developed yeah yeah and it Do you have that picture still or no? I have the picture. Send it to us. And you can see,

you can see, it is not full bunny ears, but there's no question. You can see two fingers up. You can see two. The two digits, like the first bones of your finger, are behind the Governor West Virginia.

It was so dumb. We were just, we were idiots to even try that. So dumb, but so perfect, Dumb People Town. Take a picture of that picture and send it to us. I will find it. And we'll post it so perfect Dumb People Town. Take a picture of that picture and send it to us

and we'll post it on the Dumb People Town Facebook page. You can see that. What a great, what a great story. I love that. We survived.

Oh man, Brad Meltzer. Dan, you're going to be, Dan, I know you're still thinking about what the line should be that you could whisper because I know you want that joke. I thought I sang Ethel Merman

into the microphone. Didn't I sing you'll be swell, you'll be great. I do remember that. How do you say that? I do remember that. I diderman into the microphone. Didn't I sing? You'll be swell. You'll be great. I do. I have the whole world on a plate. I did. And then wasn't there also like they had one of their tram cars and there was a,

uh, we had to jump inside it. So there were, how many people can you stuff inside a tram car competition? And this like sorority or fraternity did it. And then like 20 of us jumped in on top of it, like and added people to the thing so that we made some team win. Because we did more than what was their comfort level. It was a crazy weekend.

Which is basically just a death trap. It was truly a death trap. It was hard to get trampled. It was just stupid behavior. But we were like, we're invincible. We're on a college campus that we're never going to come back to ever again. Who cares what's going to happen? We're unknown. We're ghosts. It doesn't matter where you are. You're 18 years old. That's right.'re never going to come back to ever again who cares what's going to happen we're unknown we're ghosts it doesn't matter where you are you're 18 years old that's

right you're going to do something stupid that's right and that's what we did brad melzer you're amazing uh i'm so excited about the book uh the lincoln conspiracy i it sounds incredible uh we're going to read it we're going to tell everyone get it you can get it right now thank you for doing the show as always we love having you on love you guys love this podcast please please please everyone keep supporting them support dan's podcast support cheap seats again it is so good you know we're all superstars you love it all right dude oh shit we gotta get back to work Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound.

Come here down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.