Dumb People Town - Brad Meltzer - Soft Corn Porn

Episode Date: March 20, 2018

This week, author Brad Meltzer joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, customers are surprised by porn at Burger King. Then, the guys talk about Brad's new book, The Escape Artist, before getting into Story #2, in which a...

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Punk it down. It's Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population you? Population Meltzer. Oh baby, this is a great episode for us. This has been one that's on the calendar that I have been looking forward to, not just because I'm a fan of his, not just because I've read every single one of his books and have his books for my kids, but because he is an old friend of ours from college, Brad Meltzer. Welcome to the show, Brad. Can I tell you that the best part of doing the show is, of course, seeing you, but it's that the publicist for my book publisher put on the schedule that this is called Dumb People in Town.

And that is single-handedly. Why, you can. It's also true. Dumb People in Town. It could also be a name for the show. It's also like a Sesame Street bit, right? It just somehow sounds a little happy. There are dumb people in town.

There are dumb people in town. People in your neighborhood that are dumb. Who are the dumb people in town? What was the statement, I should think before what I do? I should think before what I do. That was an old one. It was an old statement. Well, Dan Van Kirk's with us.

I'm so happy you're here. I just love, Brad, you just get it. You're on the tour for your new book, and we'll talk about it in a little bit. The escape artist. You are, you're in it as much as we were when we were promoting the poop documentary, which people can still get on iTunes and Amazon. But we were out in the mix doing that. And you're like, you get into this pattern of like, all right, I know my sound bites.

I know what I'm going to say. But then you come and again i mean our friendship goes so deep and and lasts over 20 25 years almost at this point more more more more than 25 years uh no it's it's i'm gonna tell you it's 28 years 28 years gosh which i mean that's you know and again when we were college kids this is the one listen i'm Listen, I have three more cities, right? I have this one and two more. This is the entire interview I'm waiting the entire time for. Because when you do stuff with your friends, you become your real self, right? It's not your bid.

It's not your thing. I was like, I don't even care if we talk book or not. We're going to have fun at Dumb People in Town. It's going to be the greatest thing. And I just couldn't even correct her because she was like she could like say it to me it's like when your kid mispronounces something

you're like I can't I just I gotta or like when your when your grandmother is talking about your book that you're writing right no matter what escaping artists

right the escaping artists escaping with the artists but the thing is even if she says it to me I will refer back to her I'm like I cannot wait you are right I can't wait to go

on dumb people in town yes like I just start selling it to you well now that's what we're, I cannot wait. You are right. I can't wait to go on Dumb People in Town. I just start selling it now. Mark your calendars. This is the moment at which we started calling this Dumb People in Town. Guys, we have a live show to mention that we are going to be, that has just been added. We mentioned it kind of on, I believe

we did on the Facebook page. We're doing a live Dumb People Town and two stand-up shows with Dan DeVay and Kirk in Chicago on Friday, May 4th at North Bar. If you go to Live at North Bar, you can check it out and get all the tickets. It is a small venue. It will sell out. All I know is we did-

It's like 100 seats right there at the corner of Ashland and North. And all I know is we tweeted about it and Facebooked about it. And it's already like- It's already sold like 50 tickets. Okay. So it's gonna go. And Dan says... You hear that, Mom? Dan's got 40 people that are coming off the bat.

I think we have like 50 people. I have too much support to ever be successful. Dan, you have way too much support. But you also have the ability, now you can give guilt. There's nothing better than if you almost don't sell it and then you can give guilt for why weren't you there. Why weren't you there? It's not gonna happen. Here's what I want. I want those shows, all three of them, to sell out before we even land.

Well, and the great thing is how we set it up, guys. So it's going to be a stand-up show, dumb people town, stand-up show. And they're selling you can buy both. You can buy a stand-up show plus a pod. Package it any way you want. Go grab some drinks, come to dumb people in town, and then go see us do stand-up or flip it the other way. Stand-up us, and then go get drunk somewhere else. And then go be a dumb person in town.

Right, responsibly. Before we get into any of the stories today, we have to mention that, Brad, you are waiting for a phone call right now

as we record this to find out if your book, The Escape Artist, is going to be on the New York Times bestseller. This is the pressure.

The pressure is on. No one will say it, but you wait all day. It comes at 5 o'clock East Coast time. And at 5 o'clock East Coast time. You'll find out if you're on the list or if you're even near the top. You find out how many books your relatives bought

is what you find out. If he gets a call during the show, we'll let you know as soon as we know. We know the world is getting dumber, or dumb is beating smart in a race. Stephen Hawking died and Donald Trump is still alive. Dumb is fucking winning.

All right? I just feel like there's more people who are like, oh, you're dumb? That's cool. Yeah. They're okay with it. Todd Glass texted me

while high and said, you're going to come on my podcast and talk about We'll definitely talk about how the world's getting We have a story today.

It's not to the third one where it's like one of the dumbest things. Todd tweeted at me Texted you. Texted me. He said, you want to come and talk about how the world's getting dumber? He's like, the world's getting dumber is what dumb people say.

The world's getting smarter. And then he didn't put an apostrophe between world and the S. And I said, it's worlds, world apostrophe S, not worlds, W-O-R-L-D-S. See, the world is getting dumber. And then he didn't respond. Well, he said, I'm high. Yeah. All right, so, Daniel,

let's jump into a story right away. We have Brad Meltzer here. We have New York Times bestselling author Brad Meltzer here. Right. And how did you guys all meet? College. College.

Where? University of Michigan. That's where this story takes place. Oh! Daniel. Preparation. Daniel. Sent in by Kimberly Disco at Cineru, C-I-N-N-A-R-U-E.

Kimberly Disco. Great name. Kimberly Disco is not dead. Kimberly Disco is totally the fakest name I've ever heard. That's right. That is your, I'm a cop in 1970, and that's my street name. Right. Or like Kimberly Disco was definitely helped by Magnum P.I.

I was going to say, she definitely is the one who comes in and hires the private eye. Always. Yes, 100%. I'm in danger, and I need your help. Kimberly Disco still calls weed grass. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. She also still calls the police the fuzz.

P-I-G. Pigs. also still calls the police the fuzz p-i-g one traumatized family would probably question burger king's definition of family friendly after they allegedly saw a few minutes of soft core porn on a michigan burger king locations in-store tv okay randy and i were you were unintentional spokespeople for Burger King briefly. We had nothing to do with this. Let me start by saying we had nothing to do with Playbill. I actually blamed you. It would be cooler if you had everything to do with it.

That would be respect if you caused it. Damn. Softcore porn, what are we talking about here? Red Shoe Diaries? Is it Cinemax? Fifty Shades Darker? Where are we? What guy wanted to own a bar, but their rich dad gave them a Burger King franchise instead? So they still were like, I'm putting a TV up in this Burger King. I don't remember a TV being any Burger King.

I love when they break the rules of the franchise and they just make their own restaurant. So it's half one restaurant and half homemade. That is the best. There is. I've been in fast food. Why are these Tiffany lamps in a Burger King? On the road, you'll be in a random McDonald's or a Taco Bell, and by the register, they're selling some sort of local pastry

or thing that's made in a barbecue sauce. Then you know it's really the best one, and it's also better when it's really something you can't get anywhere else, or it could even be coupons for fixing your car. I like when they bring it all together. It's like this cooperative. Do you guys remember McDonald's? We're in the neighborhood.

Didn't they have McDonald's bucks? Yeah, McDonald's dollars. My Aunt Mildred, that's what she gave every Christmas. It was like five McDonald's dollars. Right, they were like the holiday presents. My Aunt Mildred was all about those. They should have called them McBucks. I think they were called McBucks. They should have called them McBucks. Yeah.

I think they were called McBucks. They were called McBucks. But what Burger King is like, let's put a TV up in here. Yeah. A Burger King though feels a little bit like it should have a TV. Like a McDonald's,

you're like, oh, I don't know if that would go, but Burger King feels a little bit lower. But to me, you feel like a TV is right. But fast food, they make the the booths

uncomfortable they want you to get out of there so they can turn it over real quickly why would they then put like to me that's counterintuitive to put a TV up

like you've never heard this phrase at a Burger King someone walks up to the front and says what's the wifi in here never no one's ever asked that question

at any Burger King and no one's ever like hey let's go and someone's like hang on a second there's 20 minutes left in the show I'm watching. Right. I got to watch my stories.

I like that you like that it's a story as opposed to like, because I saw it completely as sports. But I like that you were like, no, they're in for the full 22 minutes. Yeah. The half hour commercial. It's like Kojak reruns and like the young Sheldon. Yeah. Rerun. Reruns.

Already. Richard Avery said that he and his step-sons so he's already a great step-dad you knew it was going to step-dad alright I'll take you to dinner but we're only going to Burger King and shut up yes you can watch the TV they stopped into the Southgate Michigan Burger King

at 15350 Eureka Road add that to the walking tour for Dumb People Town at about 2.30pm on Sunday, February 18th and they almost immediately noticed some questionable content on the television. Which means it was on when they

walked in. So how many people in this Burger King weren't talking about it? They were just watching porn. By the way, it was silent in that Burger King. You know, no one's like, are we going to call out the system? Honey, honey, honey, shh. Don't ruin this like you ruin everything.

I'm almost done. I'm almost done. I don't want to hear I'm almost done. By the way, the picture that I have in my head is actually not the empty Burger King, but a completely packed Burger King. Like Sunday dinner. All their eyes are up in the corner. Everybody's up and they're all

to a session. Everyone knows. After church. And you know what I love about it? In my mind, it's not a flat screen TV like embedded

into something on the wall. It's a big, full-backed TV. On like one of those hinges that makes it diagonally downward. Like a hospital hinge on a hospital arm.

And there's like some magnetic distortion on parts of the screen. And it has one of those remote controls that you can run sideways if you get between channels. You could find that porn that you're showing. Squiggly porn. You could find more squiggly porn. That got me through a lot

of old youth. Squiggly porn. Also, like, picture the stepdaddy's like, look, I want the kids to respect me. I'm gonna take them out for dinner. Take them real nice. I'm gonna take them to the restaurant. My oldest son said, don't look up at the TV. First of all, he's not your son. He's your stepson.

But the kid says it to him. Don't look up at the TV. I love that the kid is, again, and this is classic stepdad thing where the son has to be the parent and the dad. I look up at the TV and this guy was fondling this woman's breast. The man was thrusting on a woman. That's definitely not something you see at a Burger King any day. Really?

I live in Miami. Technically, it is something you've seen at a Burger King any day. Now, if you had said every. Any day. Any day. That point's already been disproven. Let me just say this. That is how they make the special sauce.

I just also can't say that I can't get over the kids saying, don't look up. Because if it was me, I would say nothing. I would just be like, as long as I can get this moment. Brad, you as a kid, you would have just been like, please nobody stop me. First of all, Stewie Meltzer took me to see Saturday Night Fever in the theater.

There was a topless scene in there. I was seven years old. And he was just like, it's good for you. You're going to learn. Your dad had an earring long before that. Long before dads had earrings. Yes, it wasn't. And he had an earring.

And my mother wanted him supposedly to grow a Steven Seagal ponytail to go with the earring. When I saw him at one point, he did have a ponytail. He had like a little mullet. It was a Miami mullet. May he rest in peace. The great thing about that is I'm pretty certain they recut Saturday Night Fever for like a G rated version that takes out like

so much of the movie you can't tell what happened but that movie holds up it holds up oh yeah the original the actual theatrical release especially the boobies they held up

they did and when we did Wild Hogs with Travolta we asked him like so many questions about Saturday Night Fever we asked like I remember asking him

about the line when he's like I spend a lot of time on my hair and you hit it. My hair. And you hit it. And you hit it.

Improv. Richard, Just want to let you know that was an improv. Yes. Wow, that was one of my favorite lines in the movie.

Loved it. Because I lived in Brooklyn at the time and he was obviously, it was Brooklyn. So for us, that was our life. Your dad was so,

your dad was like if Harvey Fierstein was straight. Yeah, he was. But also my mother at the height of Studio 54 in Brooklyn, the only people who could get into Studio 54 were my parents because my mother went to junior high school and high school with Steve Rubell.

Stop! And so they used to go. So Terry and Stewie used to show up. The Meltzers would show up and it would be like this crazy, this is the height of the 70s Studio 54. And they'd be like, Terry Rubin's here and they were like part the ways and I was like why do we sleep out every night at Nanny and Poppy's?

Because they are at like 5 o'clock in the morning at Studio 54 and they weren't coming home until Sunday. God bless them. That's awesome. They lived right. They lived hard, they lived life like a softcore porn at a Burger King. They lived it right. Well, stepdad Richard Avery said he was appalled because quote, it seemed like a scriptcore porn at a Burger King. They lived it right. Well, stepdad Richard Avery said he was appalled because, quote,

it seemed like a scripted pornographic film. That is the least cool way to say that. What pornographic films are improvised? When is Christopher Guest dipped a toe in the pornographic porn? I would watch that. Is there a reality now? Because I love that he defined the way the Emmys do, right? Scripted and unscripted.

Yeah, he's saying it wasn't amateur. It wasn't amateur. So he knows as a stepdad should. Yeah, scripted pornographic. He was also equally employed that the employees weren't in a hurry to change the channel immediately after he asked them. I didn't even get a direct response, Avery said. They were

trying to figure out orders still. I couldn't believe it. So yeah, it probably is packed. And the people up there are like, we didn't turn the channel. We're trying to get these orders out. But he's over here just appalled. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Look, whatever's up there is up there. I got two whoppers I got to deal with right now. This guy's got, she's got a huge whopper she's dealing with on screen. I'm dealing with four whoppers here. But you just defined, it's a plan now. It's not an accident. That's a plan. Yeah, that's what they wanted to do.

This feels like something that would happen at a Wendy's. This feels like the greatest Burger King of all time the more I think about it. I agree. Avery said he turned the television off himself while staff at the restaurant tried to apologize. Which is a horrible joke. But I just wanted one person in the back to be like, yo! I'm having it my way over here!

How did it take us so long to get to that? I curse myself. Richard said he was more concerned with protecting his children than recording the movie. Why would he record it? Hold on. I need to protect my children.

You hold my camera. To me, there has to be footage of someone shooting that and then posting. I would post that on Instagram in a second. Well, he's also clearly thinking of the lawsuit, right? In that moment, he's like, do I do the lawsuit or do I protect the children? The boy's mother, whose identity was kept anonymous by local news station WXYZ. Why?

Said that other customers were aware of the programming and that they were kind of into it. Yes, supporting my theory. Kind that they were kind of into it. Yes! Supporting my theory! Kind of into it means totally into it. You're shocked that people at a Burger King at 220 on a Sunday are into soft-court porn. There was another couple in there and the guy was watching it with

his wife and she yelled at him, you're a nasty horn dog. She told the station. I love that this is like being recorded by a news outlet. At what point did they write that down? By the way,

have you ever tried the nasty horndog at Burger King? It's very good. It's unbelievable. It is probably the best way to serve a hot dog.

Extra nasty. Quote, I told my son to erase it from his memory and we will go to therapy and we'll discuss it further. All right.

That's a direct quote. Erase that from your memory. You're going to erase this from your memory. We are going to go to therapy and we'll discuss it further. Alright. That's a direct quote. Erase that from your memory. You're going to erase this from your memory. We are going to go to therapy and we'll talk about it later. Always. Always. Nothing better. Erase that from your memory. Yeah, you seem like someone who can afford therapy. You're at Burger King. Okay, here's what I love too. This happens

a lot with local news. Somebody will want to be anonymous, but like their house is behind them or their address has been given. So the stepdad, totally cool with you knowing who he is. We've already said his name, Avery, whatever.

Stephen Avery. His wife wanted to stay anonymous. So here's a screenshot of the news coverage that is just perfect. The guy and just a fudged out wife. It's just a guy in a red... People would be like, I know him, but I

don't know who his wife is. No, he's dating a ghost. Exactly. That's what it is. I mean, what's great is he's now presumed the whole town can't figure out who he's married to. That's what I'm saying. It's like, if you're both going in on it, go in on it. By the way, it's not like his wife was in by the way it's not like his wife

was in the porn it's not like his wife has anything to be embarrassed about she was like why is this point why does she not want to be identified are they afraid that like people are going to be like these are the people who basically rained on our porn parade theorize this i think she is in the porn i think that's the missing part of this story right yeah but it's some of her early work but i wonder if there's porn and i and i don't know if this exists uh not not knowing the full porn landscape but if there is like porn where like women's faces are pixelated out sure like that has to be a thing right you can take porn where they pick they take famous people's faces and put it on other people oh oh so you can see like you can see like we can look

like what looks like porn but but it's a famous actress. Julia Roberts. You can have the porn. Sure. From Erin Brockovich. Yes. In fact, Pornhub, I saw the story last week, just started taking down all of those. And obviously there was a huge outcry because people love that.

Of course. People love it. Which made me also think, we grew up at the wrong time. Yeah. Because that's all I would do. That's all you do is put someone's face- Dame Judi Dench, which is ridiculous. But by the way

wait this goes back to michigan so on our first when we were at michigan this is okay this is fantastic so we go in our in our house senior year and in the basement we find this giant bag of porn and that's how it used to go it was a giant bag right in. The woods. And so we opened the bag up and the house was owned and run by a business student named Orhan. Okay. And Orhan had this house

and we opened up the thing. It was clearly Orhan's stash of the porn. But we opened up the stash and what he had done is he had taken his face and put it on the porn. Stop.

So I'm not joking. Call Judd Winnick right now. He will verify. Judd Winick from Real World 3. And the best part was, is now we knew his secret was putting his own face on the porn. And that got him off in some way, shape, or form.

Seeing himself. Seeing himself. And it would be like poorly cut around the head. So it was like this bad scissor job. He was doing that before it was now. And then he would come every month for the rent. And we couldn't say we found it. No, no.

Because you can't know. And so I. Just be like, man, you're fucking us with this rent, brother. I mean, you're doing it in a way where you're really sweaty. Oh, yeah. And your face is not sweating at all. We're turned around on all fours. So Michigan has a history of this is all I'm saying.

Okay, fine. Here's what I love. This story was obviously written by a third party because they're reporting on WXYZ saying that the woman didn't want to be identified. And then we had the screenshot, which everyone will see on the Facebook page. Go to the Facebook page.

Here's the next sentence. The mother was later identified as Brandi Boesman by the news hero. Way to go. Good job, Pixel. And then they, in the same article, then they show her face. She, by the way, looks like...

No, don't go down this road. She has a neck tattoo, it looks like. Dan. Nope, that's an earring. She looks liberal. She looks liberal. I don't watch any porn, Dan. She looks like the star of every porn. I think she looks like Gwen Stefani. She doesn't like Gwen Stefani. She looks like

somebody who wouldn't give a shit about a tit. She's just a girl. On TV. She's just a girl. Yeah. It doesn't make sense that she want to be blurred. I'm not saying, I'm just saying she looks like, if you're like, oh, is this person give a shit about a tit on a screen? No. Probably not.

Does she have an eyebrow piercing? Yes. Well, it's actually like in the ocular, like the corner. And then either a piercing or a mole above her lip. Yeah, she has a piercing on her lip too. She looks like Gwen Stefani. She seems like the type of person that would walk into a Burger King when softcore porn was playing

and say, can we please turn this up? Hell yeah. Yes. Why is it so soft? In a Facebook post, she allegedly... Remember the girl who didn't want to be identified? She then starts writing about it on Facebook. In a Facebook post. Yes. Oh, I didn't want to identify myself.

I just wanted to put it on Facebook. In a Facebook post, she allegedly wrote that her son would, quote, have to live with this for the rest of his life and that the incident would make him go through therapy longer. What? Relax. Right? Yeah. I think it's actually good for the child. It is good. Look, he's gonna see it. It won't register. It will register

when he sees it. He's gonna see it. How old was the kid again? He has internet. He's already seen it. Right. He's seen it a million times. Right. He looked at the soft corn. He was mad. You said there's not enough going on. You call it soft corn? He called it the soft corn because they're Amish. Soft corn. Soft was mad. You said there's not enough going on. You call it soft corn? He called it the soft corn porn because they're Amish. Soft corn porn. Soft corn porn is.

Richard Avery and Brandy are concerned with how viewing the images will affect the boys. I feel like this will torment my oldest son, Avery said. Someone has to pay. Guys, we're now thinking about lawsuits, protecting the child. Put my hand out. How am I going to get Burger King, the deep pockets of Burger King to pay?

Richard Avery also added that, quote, when our kid sees a man or woman, they see them with a shirt on. No shit. Unless they're at the beach. No, at the pool. Yeah, at the pool or the beach. Richard Avery is the type of guy who's like, no, no, no, I'll represent myself. You know what I mean? You're like, no, I think you should get some leave.

I am my own spokesperson. I have an opening argument. When my kid sees a man or a woman, they have clothes on. Your honor. Now they know what's underneath that shirt. It's not up to Burger King when we have a sex talk with our kids. But I ask, what if it was up to Burger King? To me, I would say, if not, I really, Rabbi Hillel said, if it was up to Burger King? That's a better world I want to live in.

Rabbi Hillel said, if not Burger King, then who? We'll get out of here on this. The Burger King has a basic cable package and no clue how the images came up on the screen. They're investigating the incident. And I'll say this before we go to break. Yes, they have a basic cable package, but what was

on screen was a package that no one ordered. That's right. Let's go to break. Brad Meltzer's with us. We are off and running. They have a basic cable package, but what was on screen was a package that no one ordered. That's right. That's right. All right, let's go to break. Brad Meltzer's with us. We are off and running. When we come back, our dumb Burger King in our dumb town. Dumb people in town.

When we come back, we'll talk all about his new book that's out. The Escaping of the Escaping Artists. No, it's just the Escape Artists. All right, we're back with Brad Meltzer on more Dumb People Time right after this. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Brad, you are, I love, first of all, that you are our friend

and I also happen to love reading your books. And this one, we were talking, we had lunch before and we talked about how this book took you longer to write than more recent books because you wanted to get the characters. You look back at all your books.

Yeah, explain to our listeners what you explained to us just prior to this whole recording. Yeah, no, listen. And again, 20 years I've been doing this, 20 years writing thrillers. And at this point, I can figure it out as I go, right?

And we can, all of us, right? All as entertainers is we know what to do and you can just continue doing the same thing you do. And I just, I don't want to call it my midlife crisis, but it was my midlife crisis. I was like, we know what to do and you can just continue doing the same thing you do and i just i don't want to call it my my midlife crisis but it was my midlife crisis i was like you know what i want to be better than that i don't want to just like do it again and just phone it in and so i looked back at what are the books that were the best ones and what were the ones you said okay these are the ones that perform the best for you yeah and it wasn't it wasn't

the ones that connected with people okay so what were the ones that got the best and you. Yeah, and it wasn't what performed the best. It wasn't what performed the best. It was actually the ones that connected with people and got the best. Okay, so what were the ones that got the best? And it was the 10th Justice, the First Council, where I did the White House, the Millionaires,

and the Book of Fate were the ones that I really looked at because those are the ones that people still email me on Facebook and tweet me about. Isn't that crazy? Those characters.

They'll tell you which ones resonate. Oh, and they won't ask about the plot. They're asking about the people in it. Tell me what happened to Nora. Tell me what happened to Ober.

What happened to Michael and the first daughter? Like they know their lives. And I realized, of course, that's what makes it resonate. They're connecting with these people. It's the people. And so I was on a USO tour in the Middle East. And they take six thriller authors every year. The best part was is right before we got there, it was the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders were entertaining.

The MMA fighters. Yeah. And then us. That's great the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders were entertaining, the MMA fighters, and then us. That's great. And my buddy was like, can you tape the audible sigh when you walk in the room? And they realized that they've got, oh, instead of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, here's the literary group. Yeah, exactly. Like Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, so we're going to show you Burger King softcore porn. Right. Then we're going to show someone getting their nose jacked through the top of their head

using MMA style. Now, let's just talk about books. Let's talk. Who wants to talk about books? And then the truth is is that, you know, so many people come up to us and they're like,

I love the country singers, but you're the one that's actually the first person that's here for me because I'm a reader. And obviously, it's a smaller group, but man, I love them.

I love that the members of the military are doing that. That's where I found it that about i bet they read so much and there's so much oh i get all these letters from people on submarines and you know all these battles it's crazy what they what they do and it was there that dover came on my radar and dover is a place we've all we actually all know it even if we don't know the name it's where the flag cover coffins come off and but dover is also where the biggest cases go. So it's where you have the space shuttle goes down, 9-11, the Pentagon victims, they all go to Dover. And all our spies across the globe go to Dover too.

And I was like, I got to go there. But when I got there, Dover was a place where it, I mean, again, not to bring the party down, but because it's just so, it is inspiring to me, but they will spend 14 hours rewiring someone's jaw so a family can see their loved one one last time. Rebuild someone's hand because the mother says, I want to hold my son's hand one last time. And I was like, I need to write a hero like this. I want someone like this. We're a country right now starving for heroes. And here they were. And I was like, okay, I can start the book. I know what I'm doing. I got a plot. I got someone dies on a plane and their body comes to Dover. They open start the book. I know what I'm doing, right? I got a plot. I got someone dies on a plane and their body comes to Dover.

They open up the body. There's a note inside. The note says, Nola, you were right. Keep running. And now you're like, oh crap. I'm in. I'm so, I'm already in. And so, you know, and then he realized Nola's not dead.

She's alive. She's on the run. She's the escape artist. That's chapter one. I know what I'm doing. I can build the boat while floating the boat right but i was like don't start the book like just don't start this is what we're talking about at lunch is like and then i went into and found that since world war one that the

u.s military has had a painter an actual painter on staff who paints disasters as they happen and i was like you're telling you know and they said that was they were there in vietnam they were there at beaches of normandy 9 11 that's who got through security was our painter and like, you're telling, you know, and they said that it was, they were there in Vietnam. They were there at beaches in Normandy, 9-11. That's who got through security was our painter. And I said, you're telling me we have someone who everyone else is racing with guns blazing and we've got someone racing with paintbrushes in their pockets. I'm like, that's the craziest person in the world. I want to meet him.

And they were like, you mean her. You want to meet her. There you go. And I was like, there's my character. And I waited for that. And it took me an extra year to do it. Instead of two years, it was three years. And that was, you know, then I could start the book. And it took me longer.

But I'm happy that that's what it took to make it a better book. And you're seeing it resonate with people right now as this book has come out. Yeah, of course. I mean, yeah, to watch. I mean, we've never gotten better reviews. I mean, not since, you know, I had hair, right? I mean, it's just like it's been a long time ago. It's a long time ago.

You guys know that joke. It was a little too right together right there. The truth was for me, I look back and what I want to talk to you guys about, we talk about this all the time amongst ourselves, is how do you get better? What do you do 20 years in? How do you grow?

This is my secret. I don't know if I've ever told you this, but my first book when I sent it out, it got 24 submissions. We got 22 rejection letters. The last two were supposed to be the ones that said yes. And they had actually liked the book. I went to New York and I met with the editors and I was like time. Not wanting to be a lawyer. I'm trying to get out of law school, and my agent says to me, these two editors, number 23 and 24, they really like the book. They're going to bid on it. We're going to have a bidding situation. You're going to make money. You're going to get out of the college debt from Michigan

that you need to pay off. Yep. I was like, great. I wait by my phone, and she tells me, wait by your phone. I'm going to tell you what the news is. Wait by your phone. It was.

It was for pre-cell phone. Pre-cell phone. Wait by your phone. Wait by your phone. I'm calling at whatever time, and I'm sitting there waiting. I'm waiting for her to tell you what the news is. Wait by your phone. It was. It was for pre-cell phone. Pre-cell phone. Right? You go, wait. Wait by your phone. Wait by your phone, God damn it. I'm calling at whatever time and I'm sitting there waiting. I'm waiting for her to tell me

how much money we're going to make and how I'm going to get out of debt. And I pick up the phone and she says to me, sorry, kiddo. They both said no. And they both said no and it was over, it was done.

And to this day, every day that I sit down, for 20 years, every day I sit down for work, before I start working, I repaint that entire scene. I picture the phone I was holding was one of those see-through ones.

You could see the wires inside because it seemed like high-tech at the time. I picture the bed that's on my right is just a bed in a box spring. I picture the Formica desk and that swivel lamp that every college kid has. I picture the, I'm looking over a terrace, there's a parking lot below me and right on my left-hand side, there's a fire station with three

doors, one, two, three. And every day I look, I paint that scene and I say to myself, sorry, kiddo. And I want to, I never want to forget what it's like to be 24 years old and think that I'm going to write the best book in the world. I never want to take for granted that I've had 20 years to be able to do this. And I certainly never want to believe I ever made it. Because the moment you know where you think you made it, you're done. Finished. You're finished. You're finished.

And I said, that's, to me, I'm the escape artist, right? Like, it's not about escaping and running away, but how do you get better? How do you improve? And my dad lost his job at 39, lost everything, and he called it the do-over of life and i was terrified but he acted like it was a great adventure he was the escape artist right like trying to just reinvent yourself it's the greatest magic trick of all so here you are and you've got this book now that you've sort of dug into your past and said how can i recreate or how can i create something that res that how can i recreate the great moments that i've had in my career but

do it in a new way do it in a new way. Do it in a new way. And now you've got, I mean, like for anybody, that's what I'm going to say to anybody, spring break's coming up. If you have families, you have kids, you're taking a little bit of time off, get this book. Nobody writes books that turn pages, in my opinion, better than you.

And this is what I say, when you're tired, if you read books before you go to bed, and you're like, okay, this chapter. This is my last chapter. This is my last chapter, I'm going to bed. The mark of a great author if you read books before you go to bed, and you're like, okay, this chapter, this is my last chapter, I'm going to bed. The mark of a great author is you read that last sentence of that last chapter

and it takes you over to the next page. You're like, I can't go to sleep. I got to read the next thing. It's like Where's Waldo. Exactly. It is like Where's Waldo. You know what?

Thank you for taking 20 years of my life and turning it into Where's Waldo. It's a literary Where's Waldo. Those hold up too. No, they do. I buy them. I have more of those than I have my own. I love it.

I hope everybody checks your book out, man. Me too. It sounds so good. I cannot wait to get it. I'm going to read it on my spring break, which is coming up in two weeks. Yep, I'm taking it with me. With the kids. So I am so excited.

The Escape Artist. Let's jump into another story. Let's do it. And we'll talk more about other stuff when we have a break. Here we go. This was sent in by Jules at PeopleAreNuts. She's been around for a long time. Thanks, Jules. She's right. It's at people by Jules at PeopleAreNuts. She's been around for a long time. Thanks, Jules.

She's right. It's at people underscore A-R-E underscore nuts. He's nuts. I don't want to be R. Chererville, Indiana. Oh. An electric napkin dispenser was stolen from a white castle in northwest Indiana, and then it was returned with a note.

So this is crime and retribution. What if this is the beginning of a Meltzer book? This is chapter three of the escape artist. Dover gets the thing and they're like, what the fuck? First of all, what is an electronic napkin dispenser? You can't pull them? That's exactly what it is. I think it's you put your hand on it and then it just comes out.

Like in the bathroom or is this in the restaurant? I've never seen one in the restaurant. Only like Disney World could have the technology, but I've never seen one in the restaurant. Only like Disney World could have the technology but I've never even seen that. And White Castle. Do you guys like White Castle?

White Castle's a very St. Louis thing. Like it was around in fact so much so that the White Palace which was based on White Castle which is

Susan Sarandon and George Clooney maybe? I don't know. I'm not sure. White Palace was a movie that was shot in St. Louis across the street from our dad's company that he owns,

which they built a little tiny white palace, like a White Castle little place where they fall in love. So the White Castle, the story of it is our mom, she grew up in Ohio and had never been to White Castle. And they were in St. Louis. And she went out with my dad. And a bunch of St. Louis people. And a bunch of St. Louis people went to go to White Castle after they were like, went to see a movie or something,

went to White Castle. And she had never ordered one before. And my mom said, I'll just, I'll split one with someone. And everyone laughed in her face.

Someone was like, split one? I'm going to get six. For people who don't know, a White Castle is like a two-bite burger. Yeah. It's like a slider.

It's a slider. My Uncle Richie in Brooklyn has been banned from all White Castles. Really? Oh, yeah. Why? You know my crazy Uncle Richie? I know of your crazy Uncle Richie. Crazy Uncle Richie in Brooklyn has been banned from all White Castles. Really? Oh, yeah. Why? You know my crazy Uncle Richie?

I know of your crazy Uncle Richie. Crazy Uncle Richie is like, I mean, he was actually arrested in Hawaii once in the governor's pond, and when they arrested him, he said, my name is Mr. Squid, and his friend was named Mr. Octopus. So Uncle Richie, not welcome. I'm thinking we need to get him in Dumb People Town. We got to get him in Dumb People Town. He would be a rare catch for you guys.

So he's banned from every... Banned from White Castle. And he could eat a lot of White Castle. Jesus. I don't know why the ban is on. We just knew. You knew growing up. I'd love to go to their...

And I'm with Uncle Richie and I'd love to go to White Castle, but that's a no-fly zone. Well, it was 4.30 in the morning at the Cherville White Castle when a group walked in and ordered food, which I'm assuming took 30 minutes. Oh, yeah.

What do you want? Hey, what do you want? What do they have? Burgers. What? Do they have chicken? I think they do. They have chicken rings.

Isn't that White Castle? Yeah, White Castle has chicken rings. Do they have porn? No, that's Burger King. Can I turn this TV? After finishing a meal at about 4.50 a.m. So they ate fast, I guess.

Oh, 20 minutes. Done. At the restaurant at the 800 West US 30, one of the men unplugged the dispenser from the counter and left. So he walks up, Unplugs it. Unplugs the electronic napkin dispenser and then leaves. So he doesn't take it with him?

No, he takes it with him. Unplugs it, puts it in his arms and walks out. Which also drunk friends, one of them, him was like, I'm going to take that. Just eat your food, dude. I don't think you can take anything that you unplug. That's my rule. It seems like it's part of the whole thing.

If it's plugged in, it doesn't belong to you. That's something you can teach your kids. I'll get controversial. So Chipotle, they have the Tabasco sauce at Chipotle, and they have the Chipotle Tabasco. So I said to somebody once, I go, can I get a little container? And they're like, just take the whole thing.

And I go, I don't think I can take the whole bottle. And the person goes, what do you think we keep the bottles? It's there to get used. If you sat here and used the whole bottle, nobody would stop you. That's a great point. And we don't keep the bottle. That's someone at Chipotle said that to you. That's not even somebody who worked there.

If you want a bottle of Tabasco, you're taking the amount you need. What do we care? And then did you say to the guy, can you please move to your left? I want to watch the rest of this softball. I haven't paid for Tabasco sauce in two years. I just stopped by Chipotle, walked in- Dan, stop it. You can't do that.

I don't do that. I don't do that. Dan. I don't do that. But when I was there- No, you think it. That's the thing you reveal. You think it every time.

There is a moment where Dan is driving by a Chipotle, and there's one right on Beverly and Larchmont. Beverly and Larchmont. There's one on Hollywood and Vine. Okay, so there's a moment where Dan, like half of his body is turning the wheel into this. The Chipotle Tabasco, that is Chipotle-flavored Tabasco, is the best.

You can put that on anything. The thing that I'm more excited about is I think there was a point in time where you were going back into Chipotle and kind of wishing that person was there. Or looking for your magic person. No, I have taken them. That's a company-wide stance, in my opinion. One person says it? Yes.

It was spoken by one, and it is gospel. So if you ever get caught taking out a bottle, you're going to turn around and be like, but he said so. No, I will use the same logic. I go, did you put this out here for the use of a customer? Yes or no? Yes. So do you put a limit on how much I can use?

Dan is now representing himself in the court of public opinion. I have a good time for you. You're on a man across the bench. Do you guys think I'm crazy? In the case of Daniel Van Kirk versus Chipotle take. Do you think I'm wrong? No. I think you're right. I don't take. Do you think I'm wrong? No. I think you're right.

I don't. I don't think you're wrong. No, you can't take the whole thing. You can use what you want there. But that's like saying, well, I like to eat so I can have all the food for free. So if I got enough little containers from them to pour the whole bottle and I could leave with all those containers. But do you? No, you can't leave with extra like that.

Why? Yes, you can. You could, though. You can have enough for what you're going to eat right there, but not for tomorrow's dinner, too. It's to go. But do you consume all of it? You could.

I know you could, but you're not. Answer the question. That's why I'm on that wall. By the way, this is Utah's Sonu Wett, who almost finished law school. You guys got accepted. I know. We didn't go.

But do you guys think about, oh, I can't take this many napkins? No. Why? You always overtake napkins. You overtake napkins. I've never taken the right amount of napkins in my life. Right, but if you on purpose go, you know what? I need napkins in my house too, and I'm going to take all these.

Then you've crossed the line. You've never taken more chopsticks than you needed just to have a couple at the house. Dan, let's, okay, so let me ask you this. No, that's what you have delivery for. They give you extras. Dan, let's say you go into Chipotle. You've eaten some Chipotle. So far, we've done seven different pronunciations of this restaurant.

We keep going. I say Chipotle. Chipotle. Let's say you go to Chipotle, and you have to go to the bathroom. You go in the bathroom, and you're sitting there on the toilet. Right, so you've actually eaten Chipotle earlier that day already. You've eaten it five minutes before, and it's run through you like Chipotle. Sure.

You're sitting in there, and you look over, and you're like, you know what? We need some toilet paper. Toilet paper. Right. I like where you're going. I need some toilet paper. Just take the whole roll. Why not?

Dan is just doing this to be contrary. You also have to remember, I had this conversation with an employee. I think he speaks for the corporation. That's what I think, too. He clearly does. He seems like... If you're going to put it out there, I don't fear that Chipotle is going to go down based on Dan taking a little less. Well, I hope this drunk guy at White Castle is like, they want me

to take that. Yeah, it's mine. Why would you put it out there? And you know what? In his brain, because I'm sure, you know how like when you're that drunk, you have the whole conversation in your brain and then what happens is like none of the conversation. I'm sure he had the conversation. How are they going to miss it? In his brain, he said, I'm going to

take this napkin dispenser and the person he's talking to said, go ahead and take it. So he probably walked up unplugged and was like, thank you. Thank you, sir. Very much. And then his friends, he told his friends like, you guys told me to take it. They're like, dude, you never said a word to anybody.

You didn't speak for the last hour. After finishing the meal, he gets up, unplugs the dispenser from the counter, and leaves. The man is described as a white in his 30s, about 5'11", 260 pounds. He had brownish blonde hair. 5'11", 260. He had brownish hair and a full beard,

is wearing a black North Face coat and jeans. Now, one of my best friends, Bradford, is 6'2", but he looks exactly like this guy. Yeah, he's three inches taller than this. By the way, this could describe any of a number of people at a Dave Matthews concert. Yes. Oh, yeah, for sure. With a North Face too. Or a White Castle.

Thank you. He says, though, then it says, here's the next sentence. So they describe the guy who was wearing a black North Face coat and jeans. That was almost two weeks ago. Samantha Alice No one has seen him since. At White Castle

they're probably like, it's gone. We don't need it anymore. Get your own napkins on your own. We've made peace with it. Take everything. Come into the back. You've made peace with you. Take as much as you want. Take everything. Come into the back. Here's the toilet paper. You want a tub of ketchup?

Take it. It's here for the customer. Welcome to White Castle. Use your shirt. Yeah, use your discretion. Samantha Ellis, assistant general manager at the White Castle, says the napkin dispenser was left by the back door Thursday night, two weeks afterwards.

Like the baby Moses as we're getting a person. I was going to go there, but I was going to say like Mr. Rogers' car. Someone stole Mr. Rogers' car. No way. Fred Rogers. Fred Rogers had his car stolen. May he rest in peace. And then it went on the news that someone stole it, and then a note came back on the car.

The car came back and it said, if we knew it was yours, we never would have taken it. Whoa. And that is what happened here. Yes. Someone was like- I mean, what was really nice, what they did for him is that they took the brake shoes off. Whoa. And that is what happened here. Yes. Someone was like I mean, what was really nice, what they did for him is that they took the brake shoes off. Yes. And just set it right on

the side. That's Sklar Brothers. Well, someone rang a buzzer. When employees went to the back door, they found a Christmas bag that can this is in February. Okay. So that was a person who was like, we're going to use the bag again someday. Right. The bag is like, don't throw that bag away. I know it says to Jeff on it.

Oh, my God. Every Christmas morning with my family, it's like to save the bag. Because I'm in charge in my family. I'm in charge of handing out the bags. And then I also recruit the kids. If you want another gift, you have to help clean up all the stuff. By the way, great. Dan, that's very smart.

So it always ends up with like, does somebody want this box? Is this box reusable? Can we throw it? How about this bow? Can we throw this bow? What about this bag? Is it a throwaway? Dan, it literally is like, what do we keep?

It's literally, in my family, it's like 17 bottles of wine in wine bottle bags. And then all those bags just get put back into somebody's purse and used again next year. I have no problem with that. Why would anyone need a new bag? I have no problem with that. But the thing is, when you save those bags, it's because you saved the good bag. And I like that they were like, you know what?

This is worthy of a good bag. We got to use the good bag. Yeah, we can't just leave this on the street. They can't just leave it on the back step either. They got to put it in a good bag. Like they put baby Moses in a tiny little basket on the river. When employees went to the back door, they found the Christmas bag that contained the napkin dispenser

and a note that said, quote, Sorry I stole your napkin dispenser. Please don't press charges. Yeah. Felt bad. This has been two weeks. I don't think they did press charges. So this is the guy who was ruminated on it.

Yeah, White Castle was like, yeah, press what? So what happened in those two weeks? Like, this is like the crazy. All of his friends are like, motherfucker, you got to take that napkin. Either that or like he just something happened to him. He was spending too much time with the napkin. I'm revealing a lot today. So we at one year at Mancation, which for anybody who doesn't know, this might be the first time I've talked about this in Dumb People Town.

I do a thing every single year with all the guys I grew up with where we go to my cabin and just act like idiots for three days. So one year, two guys stole a beer tap from the bar we were at the night before. And all of us spent the next day making them feel like shit. Oh, complete shit. They allowed us into their bar and you guys stole their tapper.

And did not let it go until one of them walked back down to that bar and gave it back. And it was going to get returned no matter what right what did the people at the foxhole say

it was not there I mean it's tail fox tail fox tail fox hole this is the story from when we were in college remember at West Virginia

oh Dave no remember they stole right they stole the computer do you remember this big oh yeah you remember this right I just remembered it and they gave it back

because I gave it back. I went back. Really? Who stole it? You went back? Mark Gimbel. It was me. Mark Gimbel. I went back with Gimbel. There's a third friend in the studio. So our friend Mark Gimbel, who is a surgeon, oncological surgeon in Phoenix, is saying that he took the computer.

He stole the computer. I went back. I guarantee you, because I remember yelling at who took it. Did you take it or did you bring it back? You took it? He took it. Oh, he took it. I went back. I think it was with Joe. And by the way, it was a desktop computer.

It was a big, giant computer. It's a huge computer. And I remember I saw it and I said, you can't take that. And they said, but if we go back, we'll be caught. And I said, then we'll be caught. And we're going to tell anyone that we're sorry we made a mistake. And I returned that napkin holder. Oh, man. Without a bag.

We also, by the way, I think stole a gumball machine from a restaurant, which was in a banter thing that we had with Kareem Fisher. Yeah, so I hope this guy spent two weeks at a time to be like, you are a dirt bag. We can't go back into the White Castle until you take it back. Take it back. Right. How is anyone

going to wipe the grease off their hands from these sliders that are going to kill them? From these chicken rings. WBBM out of Chicago says, will there be charges? I love when a menu talks to you and says, you're going to love our pancake. This is now an article that's talking to the reader. Are you going to love it? Are you going to eat it?

Samantha Alice, the Assistant General Manager, Two first names, I don't trust her. Says, no, we are not pressing charges. White Castle's like, we don't care. White Castle is like your stepdad. Yeah. It's like, wait, are you dead? No.

Get on back. Did you see a tit at a Burger King? Let's keep going. Good life. I just want to know if he used it and plugged it in. Because I can understand you can take a dispenser, but I want to know if he plugged it in and had a couple days where he was like, huh, the napkins are coming to me.

But let me just say this. Burger King has some corporate culture to answer to. Maybe McDonald's is the most corporate. Burger King is in that same ballpark. White Castle has no corporate culture. White Castle, I would expect to see a live sex show in White Castle. Like a woman.

That's on the menu in FedEx. A woman just popping like ping pong balls out of her vajay, like into people's mouths at White Castle. Ready for this? She says, this is Samantha Alice, immediately after the man left, the employees wondered what the man was planning to do with the

electric dispenser, quote, because he left the cord here. So he couldn't even plug it in. Unplugged it and left the cord there. Dummy. Alice says the napkin dispenser was returned the day after security video was released showing the napkin nabber's image.

Here he is, guys. I hope he's blurred. Oh, no, not at all. He does not look healthy at all. That guy looks like a guy that even after he's gotten 12 hours of sleep is tired. Yeah. He's just tired all the time.

Face is red. Face is red. Out of breath getting into his car. Yeah. The crime had not been especially well thought out, she said. Really? Most of the group paid with credit cards, including the man who stole the napkin dispenser. We got you.

Which shows you how drunk that was. We'll charge your card for the thing. We're going to get out of here on this. I'm going to ask you friends, how much is the napkin dispenser worth? Oh, this is a great one. We've never done this. Price is right rules.

No, no, no. Straight up. Closest to it. You are a guest, so you can go first, Tig, or third. Tig is in the queue. You're going to go first? Okay.

I'm going to say $495. Wow. $495. That's way too much. No way. This is like $120. $120 for an electric napkin dispenser. $69.99.

$69.99. No way. This has to last. $120. $69.99. $120. According to White Castle and Samantha Alice, the assistant general manager, who did not press charges after being gone for two weeks, the electric napkin dispenser is worth $700.

Yes! I knew it because it has to be something that has to last. It can't be $69. I thought it was a car. That is so much more than I would have ever expected. White Castle, you do not need that type of responsibility. That's too much technology. That's what she thinks it's worth.

Did it work when they brought it back? Yes. They just didn't have the cord. They didn't have the cord. Thank God it works, and thank God we just got through segment two of the show. Give me a teaser of what we're going to be looking at in the third segment. I want to read you the headline. Do you want to do the headline?

Give us the headline and then we'll... Boy gets trapped in elevator after peeing on buttons. Okay. Hey, you got that on the other side of the break. Plus, Brad Meltzer, this is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show. Final segment.

You can follow Brad Meltzer on Twitter. He's a great follow at yeah yeah go ahead at Brad Meltzer M-E-L-T-Z-E-R like seltzer

like seltzer with an M and if you have kids he has an amazing and younger kids he's got an amazing series of books about like famous people that my kids

love so much not just famous people they're just great it's not like the Kardashians. No, no, it's great. You can never do an I am Kim Kardashian. It's a book of heroes for your children. I am Rosa Parks.

I am Martin Luther King. I am Abraham Lincoln. We've read them all with our children. They love them. They're actually, it's like a simplified version of their life story. Of like a biography. Yeah, it's a biography, exactly.

Biography's for children. Yep, and basically just to give them good heroes to grow up with, because listen, look around right now. We're starving for good heroes. Well, we have the president, and he's everybody's hero. Come on. So, yeah, but I do love that. And, again, what I love as well, not only do you write amazing novels and thrilling novels and the escape artist being your latest one.

Please, everybody, go pick that up on Amazon or wherever you get books. But you also do those kids' books. And then you're also super involved in, everybody, go pick that up on Amazon or wherever you get books. But you also do those kids books and then you're also super involved in like the comic book world. I know that's like a deep, deep passion of yours. I'm doing Action Comics 1000

next month. Wow. I'm doing Superman story. That's awesome. It's awesome. Yeah, and we're bringing the red trunks back, like the underwear

on the outside. Love it. And I was like demanding of that and everyone was. Like a crazy homeless person. He's like, he just put his underwear. You know,

that's the thing is, I love that you can work for 20 years trying to hone your craft I you know like someone was like a crazy homeless person he's like he just put you know that's the thing is I love that you know you can work for 20 years trying to hone your craft and you're like can Superman wear his underwear on the outside of his pants because that's my demand that's all I'm not doing it I worked 20 years just to be able to make that claim I'm such a nerd about it I wrote to the the artist and I'm like listen if they say no to our request never show him from the waist down because he's totally wearing his underwear in the outside in my brain he's wearing it there you go the outside of his pants. In my brain, he's wearing it. There you go.

Always. I love it. So that's coming out when? That comes out in May. I love it. I love how it tapped into that because you go to Comic-Con every year,

almost every year. Yeah, we go. You've been a bunch. I've been a lot. You've been a bunch and you're a fixture there which I think is awesome. One thing I want to mention,

Dan, should we mention the drip? I mean, it's a new thing. Do you want to even start? It's going to be coming out. Yeah. Okay.

So we're going to set this up. We're just going to give a little teaser right now. A little drip of it. A little drip. We're going to give a little drip of the drip thing, which is. Yeah. If you're familiar with Patreon, this is called drip. It's backed by Kickstarter.

It's a fully funded, great, super legit company. It's a great way and a lot easier way for us to be able to interact with you guys and provide additional content. So be on the lookout for that. But i wanted to give you guys a heads up because people in the town on the dumb people's home facebook page have been letting me know like hey is there any way we could get extra content or i would love to be some form of a patreon so we have that it's through dip we are gonna have so many great extras just extras and ways for you guys to be more of a part of this town and get more from the town and have interaction possibilities with us and do fun stuff with us.

And support some town community members. And it's going to allow us to even do more live shows, to be more interactive with you guys, to do more content for Dumb People Town. And it's available for anybody who wants that and just wants to be more involved with this podcast and get more of what we do. And that's who it's for. And so we're currently putting that together. Setting up a drip. Setting up a drip thing right now and we'll just get, we'll drip more of what we do. And that's who it's for. And so we're currently putting that together. Setting up a drip thing right now. And we'll just get, we'll,

we'll drip more information out to you so that you guys can sign up for it and decide if you want to give to it and then get that extra content. It's all going to be anything you opt in for that you want to do. All of this podcast is going to stay great and stay the same. We're just adding more cherries on top of the Sunday. For people who want more, we're going to give them that. All right,

Dan, let's get to this last story because our guy's intrigued. A boy gets trapped in an elevator after peeing on the buttons. Sent in by NES Jumpman. Love this dude. At NES Jumpman. Is he in Madison? He's in Madison. Or he's in Wisconsin. A boy in China thought it was a good idea to hose down the buttons in

his elevator by peeing all over them. What is that thought process? I've thought about doing that every once in a while. No, you haven't. There is no way. Brad, you have two sons, Brad. Yeah, they watch Elf and they always want to push

all the buttons on all of them. Light it up. But I say, okay, I'm okay with that. But peeing on them? But when you whip it out, that's where my line is. So this is the point

where you say to Chyna, maybe you picked the wrong sex of child to eliminate, to start throwing away. Maybe toss some of those boys out the window. Throw this guy over by the dumpster. And focus on having some women. Where does this kid get this idea?

And what is he mad about? That's acting out. That to me is... Look, it's China. I'm assuming this is in a big city. This can't be like... I don't know. I mean, it's obviously not rural China.

They don't have elevators. It's not an elevator in the Great Wall. is this in hong kong is this in i will say this is of all the ones we've done this is the one where i'm so rooting against the kid oh yeah like i don't just want him to be caught on tape you want to know i want the elevator to plummet right like i want it to be like there's a there's somehow a trap door if it gets liquid on it it just plummets down to their doom. The person who wrote this article wrote, I have to say he has an impressive spray able to douse the entire panel.

Wait, wait, wait. Who said that? The person writing it. You don't see everything from behind. I thought this was, by the way, I thought that was a reporter. I was like, that's not really appropriate reporting. It is. That's what they wrote.

I mean, I don't. Is that the person who wrote the story to you? Yes. No. No, that's fine. I'm talking about, like, is that in the newspaper? Yeah. It's in the newspaper.

Oh, my gosh. Or this article, this online article, whatever it is. I take it all back. We don't do a lot of vetting here. Listen to me. It could be the same. This reporter is reporting about local crime. Right.

And finally gets a chance to report on something where they can comment on a kid's urinary spray. Is this the kind of thing that turns on Trump? Is he turned on by something like this? Exactly. This is an elevator he'd ride up and down in. Soon after he zipped up and readied himself to disembark the lift, he's gotta push the button! He already did. The doors jiggled around and

didn't open for him. The buttons started blinking in a glitchy fit, going haywire as the lights went dark. The boy was trapped, and according to Metro, had to be rescued by a maintenance crew. He tried to deny any wrongdoing. Even his parents came to his defense and said

it would be impossible to pee that high. Which to me is just a parent grasping it any way I can say my kid didn't do this. I love, that's the thing, is it's one thing to say I have a good child, I love that they went with the physics of it. They were just like,

no one can pee that high, it's physically impossible. What was our theory about New York City? If you can touch it, it's been peed on. That's New York City. Then we were like,

if you can see it, it's been peed on. We're talking about buildings, birds, if you can see it, it's probably, you can definitely pee that high. Despite what the parents had to say in defense

of their child, that is where the video comes in handy. We will queue it up now. This is going to be... The link to the story will be on WPBullTown. Everything is from the back. Obviously, we're not doing anything gross here. But you can see this kid. Watch this video, guys. I hate this kid. I hate him so much. It's a podcast video.

But everybody who's in our town is going to be able to check it out anyway. Hit play, brother. He's like, It's John King City. Oh, yeah, you know. He walks up. Take me down to John King City where the pay is paid. What is he doing?

By the way, to his parents. Yes, he can. Yes, he can. To quote Obama, yes, we can. Yes, he can. Every dumb adult came from a dumb kid, right? Here's the other thing. Can I just say this about him, too? No, he's not getting out of the elevator.

I'm surprised his parents- I'll leave him in there for a week. I'm surprised his parents didn't go with the, well, he has glasses. Why would a kid with glasses do that? That's all the parents' defense. Yeah, he has glasses. Have you ever seen a kid with glasses act this way? Like someone on Maury defending why it's not their kid? I couldn't. I got defense. He has glasses. Have you ever seen a kid with glasses act like someone on Maury defending?

Why it's not their kid like I couldn't I got wrinkles I have wrinkles around my face that baby has no wrinkles Will say that surprising myself. I was like that is pretty high peeing that is I was impressed I was I watched it be like hating him Venomously hated him and going you know nice that was pretty high peeing For the damages. This is just one of those things in this town where I'm like,

I think you have to rename the building High P Tower. God damn it, Randy. Who designed the building? I.M.P. I.M.P. This is High P Tower. High P Tower!

I just feel like in our dumb people town of like this little community of course a kid peed on the elevator. Of course. Of course they did. How did it take this long? I'm mad at every other kid for not thinking of it.

By the way, I keep hearing in my head Aerosmith doing a version of Love at Pee in an Elevator. Living it up and I'm peeing down. Except he's peeing up. Yeah, he's peeing up. Peeing it up and I'm going down. He really he's peeing up. Yeah, he's peeing up. Peeing it up and I'm going down. He really was. I will.

And I'm also disappointed. I feel like America should have been there first. I feel like that should have been our moon landing. Like we should have done. This is another way China is beating us to the punch.

I mean, would you be shocked if within a year we have a dump in an elevator? Dennis Rodman? Yeah, Dennis Rodman might be in North Korea soon.

So yes, that could easily, easily happen. Oh, I can't wait for that. Well, that will be might be in North Korea soon. So, yes. Okay, fair enough. That could easily, easily happen. Oh, I can't wait for that. Well, that will be posted on the Facebook page so people can watch that at all. Just watch the spray of his stream. What a dumb kid. That is the dumbest kid I think we've seen in a long time.

Yeah, I love it. And by the way, kids... And grabbing glasses. Dummy. Also, he's a kid. He could still steer it right. Kids are dumb. Kids are dumb.

They make dumb decisions. They don't think about the consequences of anything that they're doing. This is probably the best example of that. But he is going to regret more than anything is not being caught in the elevator. It's that his parents had to see him pee. That's going to be what really scars him. And they didn't believe in his range. They doubted him.

They doubted his worth. That'd be like Del Curry saying, you can't make that shot. And then Steph Curry's like, oh, yeah? Watch me. I just crossed the half court watch me I'm gonna hit all these buttons all of them I'm hitting everybody

I'm hitting everybody he had Steph Curry like range with his feet he did he had Steph Curry he definitely had the arc too he walked in the elevator and he's like

this is my range I'm open here I hope there was a conversation with a parent before cause it looked like he was going to the first floor that they were like you sure you're fine

to ride the elevator by yourself yeah like he was like to the first floor, that they were like, you sure you're fine to ride the elevator by yourself? Yeah. He was like, it's my time. Now or never. And the great moment is when he panics, you see what he does? He pushes the button again. So he has to get a little pee on him. I'm happy about that too. I take joy from that. I agree.

Alright, before we get out of here, every once in a while, we get a voicemail from our good buddy, Nicolas Cage. I don't know if he even knows he's leaving these for us, but why not? Hey, why not? Why not? This is him. We have Brad Meltzer here, who's an enormous, as we mentioned, comic book writer and fan.

This is, I guess he's got some information about a superhero thing that he's doing, and he wants to share it with us. Oh, perfect. Great. Check it out. Nick Cage. Hello. hero thing that he's doing and he wants to share with us great this is checking out nick cage hello what a truly blessed day it is to be living here and on this beautiful blue planet we call the earth you know so many people have laughed at me over the ages for various things but the number one thing that people get in my face about is like, hey, remember when you were almost Superman and you and Tim Burton were going to make a Superman

movie and all that leaked footage of me in my suit that glowed. There was like a suit we were developing that had blinking lights in it. You could look it up online and find pictures of that and people always thought that that was just the craziest thing ever. Nick Cage should never be playing

Superman. Ha ha, well guess what? The joke's on you, you piece of shit of earth. Nicolas Cage will be doing the voice that he has always been put on this earth to do. I'll be voicing the voice of Superman in the Teen Titans Go movie. Alright, so you know what? You can eat crow. every person in this entire world

who thought the idea of Nick Cage playing the son of Jor-El, you know, alter ego Clark Kent, who thought that that was the craziest idea ever, but I always knew, deep down in my darkest of hearts, because I think it's pretty obvious I had a pretty fucked up soul, but deep in my darkest of hearts that this was the reason for my existence is to play, you know, the alien being that is Superman. Because I, Nicolas Cage, am a Superman. You know, it's kind of a shame that I'm not here on Earth, that I don't have superhuman powers. It's a shame. I should be able to burn things with my eyes. Can you imagine how that Vince Neal fight would have gone down if Vince wouldn't have dragged that woman by her hair?

I could have just used my heat vision and just fucking ripped his hands off and saved so many people so much adversity. It's a great day for me. I'm very happy about it. I'm celebrating with my son, Kal-El, all afternoon. We've been playing catch,

in which I'm throwing some of my skulls, and then he has to go get them for me. It's more like fetch, whatever. You guys go ahead and take good care of yourselves and relish in this amazing, amazing thing that is going to be me being Superman and everybody else, again, who doubted me, go fuck yourself. Cage out.

Wow. Okay. By the way, I want to mention this because this is actually really cool. There is Nick Cage. If you like Nick Cage on this, there's going to be some Nick Cage-entery. It's called Nick Cage-entery. It's live audio commentary over a Nick Cage movie.

Uh-oh. That is happening next weekend. That's a delight. So you can hang out with him and essentially watch a movie with him. Watch a Nick Cage movie with Nick Cage giving commentary. Oh yeah, that's Nick Cajentary Sunday, March 25th

at 8.30pm and that's UCB Sunset. Nick Cajun Terry, Sunday, March 25th at 8.30 p.m. And that's UCB Sunset. It's a, believe a free show. Who wouldn't want to go check it out? Get on that. Nick Cajun Terry,

Sunday, March 25th, 2018. All right, before we get out of here, Brad, you just got a phone call and I want you to relate.

This is, by the way, this is, we've never done like the live, like real time, real time news because now you get to hear before my family does, which means when they listen to this, it's going to be mad that you knew. By the way, we've never done the live, real-time news, because now you get to hear it before my family does,

which means when they listen to this, they're going to be mad that you knew. No, this comes out in a week. Okay, so they'll know. Good. So they'll know already. I didn't tell them first, but yes, I literally just picked up the phone as we were taking a picture that the skateboarders will be number one on the New York Times bestseller list.

That's just crazy. Which is crazy. Which means my family did buy a lot of copies. No, a lot of people did. Let's keep it there. Let's keep it there. Dumb People Town, let's keep it on top. Number one on the New York Times bestseller.

That's a number one New York Times bestselling author. That's the first one we've ever had. Congratulations, buddy. Love you guys. All right, we've got to get back to work. It's a good show.