Dumb People Town - Brendan Walsh - I've Got The Tits To Pull This Off

Episode Date: August 3, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Brendan Walsh (Do You Know Who Jason Segel Is? podcast) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a topless woman drives a stolen front-end loader across town. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits And we are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town Population you, Population Walsh Brendan Walsh.

Hi, guys. Hey, buddy. One of our favorite comedians, good friend. I see you on a live show that we're at, and I'm like, oh, this is going to be fun. Green Room is just going to get silly, and this is kind of what this show is. I mean, we believe that the world's getting dumber. Do you agree? 100%.

I mean, and you've brought life into that dumb world. I can't believe you decided to bring life into this dumb world. I try not to think about that. Yeah, well, yeah, it's hard to, I try not to think about like, yeah, what is it going to be like in 20 years? What did I just bring my daughter into? But the truth of the matter is, we can beat it, maybe.

No, we can't. I mean, it's good to maintain a positive attitude. I guess so. On a positive day, I'm like, we can beat it. Here's what I do know. We do have one weapon in our... One arrow in our quiver, and that is the arrow of comedy.

So we get dumb stories sent to us by our wonderful fans and Daniel Van Kirk, who is here. Hi, Dan. Hey, buddy. He breaks down the stories. We have not seen them. You haven't heard them. We haven't heard them.

Let's get into our mini story for the day, and then we'll talk about a great little tour you're on at the end. Yeah. Here we are. Ready? Yes, sir. Sent in by Tim E.

At Timothy I. E-Y-E. Yep. by Tim E. At Timothy I. E-Y-E. Yep. There you go. Well played. Underscore limited. He sent before. Yeah, he sent in.

By the way, I love that I assume that it's a he. On the internet, you have to just assume it's something else. I think they did away with he and she, actually. The internet is just always a 49-year-old man. I will gladly address any person how they would like to be personally

Timothy I could be a pansexual pagan yeah sure and go for it I say yeah

you know what it's healthy as long as you keep sending stories in do what you like we don't care it's healthy to maintain a positive attitude

it's my favorite thing alright a woman stole a front end loader I don't care. It's healthy to maintain a positive attitude. That's my favorite thing. All right. A woman stole a front-end loader. You guys know what that is? I do not know what a front-end loader is. That's like a crane kind of scoop. Yeah, you would scoop up gravel or dirt with it. It has a big bucket in the front.

I've seen a million of these. Front-end loader. And drove it across town. Waving. You hope she's waving, right? It's a one person parade. Do you think that started out with this? You're not going to do it.

Shut up, Kelly. Oh, yes, I will. You don't have the balls. Kelly, I understand. You don't have the tits. You're right. I do have the... Is that what women say to each other?

I don't know. I never thought of that. You don't have the ovaries to pull that off. I'd say that to anybody. You don't have the tits. You're right. I do have the... Is that what women say to each other? I don't know. I never thought of that. You don't have the ovaries to pull that off. I'd say that to anybody. You don't have the tits. That'd be great to say to anybody. You don't have the tits to pull this off. Because also there's this thing of like, that's the tits.

Like when you say something's great, so you don't have the tits. It's the tits. Yeah. Oh, I got the tits to pull this off. I thought she was like, I can steal a Friday loader. And somebody's like, Kelly, it's healthy to maintain a positive attitude. Kelly's like a perfect drunk girl name, too. Yeah, Kelly.

Let's go karaoke and we'll steal a front loader. Kelly's great for being drunk because you can make it a one-syllable word or a two-syllable word. Kai. Kai. Kai. Kai. What? What? She always says word. Kai. Kai. Kai. Kai. What? Wait.

She always says what. She doesn't say what. She makes that two syllables. Wait. Wait. Wait. Kai. A woman stole a front-end loader and drove it across town.

What if she didn't even need to go across town? She's like, I'm doing laps. I'm going all the way across town. And then I'm going to come back. Mm-hmm. She's like, I'm doing laps. I'm going all the way across town. And then I'm going to come back.

Before using the excavating vehicle with a bucket to bust through a fence and climb into her apartment. There's one more level of greatness to this. Where she picked up a shirt. She had been driving the big rig topless the whole time. She does have the chance to do it. She's living her best life. I love that at some point when she's... Wait, what's her name, Kelly? No, no, no.

So here's my deal. Okay, so woman steals front loader, drives it across town. That in itself is enough. Drives across town, is topless, and at some point says, you know what, I should probably put a shirt on. Yeah, yeah. At some point... This know what, I should probably put a shirt on. At some point, this situation deserves decorum.

It's time we stop fucking around here. Isn't a bra kind of a front loader too? That's our brothers. No, that was Brendan Wallace. I know. You're going to get us? That was a great suggestion.

You'll either get credit or me too'd for it. Either way, we'll get recognized. They don't say, but I need to know the scenario that she ended up. Obviously, she wasn't at her house. She was somewhere near a front loader and found herself needing a shirt or just wanting to get one. If you are going to steal a front loader and you are a woman, if you do it topless, a lot of dudes are not going to stop you. But this is probably middle of the night. Anybody.

You're just saying at any point. Does it say how old she is, though, too? Because that has a lot to do with how old she is. Are we going to play that game at the end? We are going to play that game. So keep that in your hat, Brendan. But my question is this. Yeah, so keep that in your hat, Brendan.

But my question is this. If you're a cop and you're sitting on the side of the road and this thing rolls by with the top of its head. I'm not a cop, by the way, for everybody listening. Are you a cop? I'm not an undercover cop. You have to say, if we create an analogy or a story where you might be, you have to say if you are or not. You have good minute. They would probably not pull her over. They would give her a police escort, if you know what I'm saying.

Come on. Listen to me. If a front loader is moving after the hours of darkness, something is wrong. And it's going across town? It's not operated by... Can you get a DUI from driving a front loader? Yes, of course. Driving anything, I think.

Can you get it on a bike? Yes. Brendan, how about Miss Daisy? How about driving me crazy? Yes, of course. Driving anything, I think. Yeah. Can't you get it on a bike? Yes. Brendan, how about Miss Daisy? How about driving me crazy? Yes. Quote, we can't make this stuff up, Lieutenant Doug Otto of the Great Falls Police Department said. You can. You totally can

make anything up. I hate that saying. I can make anything up. A baby just farted on the moon. I can't make this up. I can't make this up. We can't make this up. Guys, I made it up. The Russians stole our election. I can't make this up.

I can't make it up. It's easy to make up. Also, I'm like, you're a lieutenant. How long have you been around and you can't make this up? You've seen this before. It's just a shirtless person stealing a vehicle. You can't make that up. Just type up a bunch of letters or a bunch of

words, put them in a fishbowl, pull them out. You couldn't make it up. Made it up. That's such an attack on your own imagination. Police say that Heather Houston, that's her name, double H. Double H is getting fucking drunk tonight. You know how big, you know what size my t her name. Double H. Double H is getting fucking drunk tonight.

You know what size my tits are? Double H. Double H. Where do you guys think Great Falls is? Idaho. Idaho. Look at you guys. You're on it.

Great Falls, Idaho. Police say that Heather Houston stole the front end loader Sunday morning, which I'm guessing is around 2.30, not 10 a.m., not like church service time. Wait, what time? Sunday morning. So we're going to assume middle of the night. So we're going to say that was Saturday night. Maybe she was on her way to the dentist.

Yeah. Police say. I make that joke every day, sometimes twice a day. I think that might be why you're not working enough. a day. I think that might be why you're not working enough. She stole a front-end loader Sunday morning from a business at 3120

Rainbow Dam Road. Add that to the walking tour. The guy we just met in Chicago, thank you. Damaging offense and a pickup in the process. She then drove it to Fox Hollow Apartments at 1700 Street Southwest. We're getting all the places. Fox Hollow Apartments. I Street Southwest. So we're getting all the places.

Fox Hollow Apartments. I swear to God, if you were like, can you guess what the name of her apartments are? One of my guesses would have been Fox Hollow. Would have been Fox Hollow or Willow Run or Whispering Hills. I might end up at the Fox Hollow in about two weeks. Or no, one week. That's the Fox Hole. I always find the Fox Tale.

Sorry. Fox Hole. The trashier apartment complexes always have names like the Royal. The Royal Wonderland. Cambridge Arms. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Canterbury Gates.

And it's just like old air conditioners like hanging out on balconies. Listen, you know, Fox Hollow is the type of place that if people are looking to get an apartment and someone asks, are you married? They say yes. And they're like, we cannot rent this to you. No. Right. You need to be divorced.

Just out of a relationship. You need to be divorced. Listen, Heather Houston lives here, okay? All of the apartments are carpeted, including the bathroom. Everything. Remember that? That was the thing it used to be, right? People would carpet their bathrooms.

Why? It is the weirdest. You still bump into that every night. I know. To seal the smell in. You roll into an old bar right? People would carpet their bathrooms. Why? You still bump into that every now and then. To seal the smell in. You roll into an old bar in Illinois, you're a carpeted bar. Yeah. That's always on my mind. What? That's the dumbest idea. I know. I'm not going to say it because I

can't have this on my conscience. They go as far to say she then drove it to Fox Hollow Apartments at 1700 Street Southwest where she lives in unit and then they give the unit number. No! Why is that pertinent to this

article? Because they're like, please harass her. This is to me, can we stop with the front loading shaming? Or like, you know, guys? It's like a new form of Tinder. Called violating. Quote, the word was she was topless, said Otto, referring to the officer's notes of the incident. At the apartment complex, she lifted the bucket of the front end loader to an upper level apartment.

I just love that she knows how to operate this. She's fucking crushing me. She knows what's what. This is like if she stole an elephant and then walked up the trunk to her apartment. That's literally what she did. That's what she's doing. She lifted the bucket using its arm and then climbed the bucket to get inside where she retrieved a shirt. So imagine it's 2.30 in the morning and you just start hearing.

It's 2.30 in the morning. You're at the dentist. Yes. Stop it. Yes. And you're laying there like, what is going on outside? You check. You check.

Meanwhile, Heather is like... I think I just saw Heather climbing up the arm of a front loader. Heather is like telling it to shush. You know what I mean? She's like, shush. Frontie, shush. Quiet frontie. Does it say how she...

Did she then go down the stairs and get back in the back into front load or did she climb back down the arm? It doesn't, but you have to. She definitely climbed back down the arm. She has to get back in the bucket, then shimmy down the arm. Yeah. See, I would take the stairs on the way back. Yeah, but you're a sensible dude. You're not Heather.

That's where the sensibility kicks in. You're BW, not double H. You ain't double H. That's where my sensibility kicks in. You're BW, not double H. Police, although they wrote in this article, P-O-L-I-E, no C. It's all misspellings. That's another thing. You notice that everything you read, it doesn't matter if it's Time, CNN, NBC.

There's tons of misspellings everywhere. Nobody proofreads. Nobody proofreads. They arrested Houston for felony criminal mischief and criminal endangerment. The Cascade County Sheriff's Office is also investigating Houston for felony theft and felony criminal mischief portion of the incident that occurred on Rainbow Dam Road. It gets a little bit more fun. Houston, we have a problem.

I know. There you go. It took too long. I can't believe it took us this long to get there. So here's a photo of the next day of somebody who lives in the apartment next to her of just the arm, like, I mean, she brought it right up to the... She tucked it in next to the building.

That's for real. So she knows what she's doing. I give her credit for being able to... Is there a photo of Heather? No. I don't... Look at the damage she did to Fox Hollow. She's just going up and through.

For the record, Fox Hollow looks exactly like I thought it would. It's like the definition of a townhome. A lot of brown, a lot of brick. Okay. The neighbor who took these photos... Pheasant Run. That's another place. Also chimed in on Facebook.

Is Danny Dallas. I wish. That's a rule if you live there. You got the last name of a city in Texas in your first name. You have to start with the same letter. You better be Dave San Antonio. I'm Mike Plano. I'm Phil Austin.

I just came by to see what you guys wrote. Hey, where's Dave El Paso? I did two days. Guys, they have to start with the same letter. You're not adhering to the same letter. Eddie El Paso. Eddie El Paso. Paul Plano.

Larry Laredo here to check in and see what's going on. You could just go Sam Antonio. He can live there. Yeah. Oh, here comes Gary Galveston. I'm Clyde Cut-N-Shoot. It's good to meet you guys. Andy Amarillo.

Cut-N-Shoot, a small little town outside of Houston. Terry Texarkana. Jeez. I want to go deep. Part of me wants to derail this whole show. Pull up a map of Texas. South Padre. Good to meet you.

Penny Pearland. Gary Galveston. I said Gary Galveston. Oh, you did? I did. Come on, Dan. Listen. I'm trying to also do the story.

All right. Please do it. Okay. Not adhering to this rule that we've created, the Facebook friend and neighbor is Molly Brocksholm. And she wrote, this is what she wrote after putting these photos online. Oh, how I cherish my mornings to sleep in. LOL.

Just kidding. All exclamations. So she's pissed. Yeah, yeah. Got woken up to our topless, that's all caps, upstairs neighbor driving an excavator into the building. driving an excavator into the building. Woke up to the sound of crunching, thinking someone was doing yard work until we hear people yelling,

which means there's other people in the Fox Hollow being like, Get out off of there! Get Heather! We're trying to sleep! Get, stop! Get a shirt! Heather. It could, or it could be people yelling like,

Yeah, go Heather! Like a bunch of people that follow her. Climb up there. Don't be just part of the parade. They're throwing Tootsie Rolls to people that are asleep. Heather. The sound of crunching thinking someone was doing yard work until we hear people yelling, looked out the window and saw this. Those are the pictures that you can see on the Dumb People's Town Facebook page.

And smashing its way in the fence. She then proceeded to climb into her window above us and get close. You heard it first, folks. There should be a here in there. You heard it first, folks. Here at Molly News Now. PSA. Don't do drugs, kids. Here at Molly News Now. PSA. Don't do drugs, kids.

She's way into it. I hate this person more than Heather Houston. I don't even know if I hate Heather Houston. Well, I don't like that she stole and crashed some stuff. Nor do I. I love her. She really leaned in on the night. First of all, her knowledge of using a front loader is amazing.

It is unbelievable. I'm going to ask you guys now, how old is Heather Houston? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. I'm going to say, I'm going to.

There's one thing that's definite She definitely smokes cigarettes Yeah Oh honestly Eve Menthol's 100s Heather You know what

Soft pie You can wait by the way You can go third She's not as young as she should be Well I have an age in my head Okay Let's do it

What's coming up for you right now I was gonna say 38 Okay Good Jay 26 26 from Jason Sklar 49 49 Okay, let's do it. What's coming up for you right now? I was going to say 38. Okay. Okay. Good. Jay? 26. 26 from Jason Sklar. 49.

49. I don't know why. It just came to me. It's like, I got, she thinks next year she is going to die. See, it's funny. With the age, like, depending on her age really denotes how you feel about her demeanor. Like, if she's 49, you're like, she was pissed driving that front loader. If she's 26, she don't give a shit.

49, she just became a great grandma. Yep. She's like, I'm still young. Alright, you ready for this? Townies, get your answers in wherever you may be. 38, 49, and Jay said 26. So she had a kid when she was 16, that kid had a kid when she was 16,

and that kid had a kid when she was 16, that kid had a kid when she was 16, and that kid had a kid when she was 16. Great grandma. Yeah. And a great grandma. And a great grandma. How fun is she? Kids, who wants to ride on the forklift? Kids love shit like that. Little boys. Yeah. She's like a female Bob. And woke girls.

She's like a female Bob the Builder. Alright, ready? Heather Houston. Who needed a shirt and got it in the coolest way possible, is, get your answers in now, Tommy. Shout out your earbuds. Is 34 years old. Oh, nice. Yes, well done. So she is one year away from dying.

Or running for president. Or a great- Knowing how to drive it, she had to be a little... I figured she had to be over 30. Or dated somebody in construction, or she herself is in construction. That's true. You don't know what's going on.

You have to have a job like that. Wow. So, in jail, what did they say? They just said she's been charged, and they might charge her with more stuff. That's all I got. Is that it? Guys, that's all you need from here at Molly News Now. Molly News Now. I'm going to get all my news from Molly News Now. What does Molly News Now have to say about Helsinki?

That's a good idea for a news network, but everybody's on the drug Molly. Yeah. It'd be like super positive news, even if they're reporting like, you know, 10 kids got killed. I feel great. I'm serious. We can edit it out. Some comics need to do some YouTube show where they cover the news completely inebriated on something. Oh, my God.

That would be incredible. I like drug news. Drug news. All drug news. Yeah, just everybody's like, how's it going, man? Dude, can you believe this news? I mean, I can't believe I'm reporting it right now. What's insane is that we're going to do this whole news report like a 30-minute show in like 11 minutes.

Let's do it. Are you ready? Are you ready? Let's do this. The weed guy does the weather. 100%. It's going to be nice, man. We'll get back to him.

It kind of doesn't matter what it's going to be. Dude who's ever on Coke does business news. Guys, things are moving right now. Just bring in that Kramer dude. The market is crazy. And he's not on drugs. What's his name? John Kramer.

Jim Kramer. Mad money. Mad money with Jim Kramer. Mad money. I love it. Brendan Walsh, you will be on tour starting the 8th of August. August 8th in the Bay Area of California. Nice.

Where are you going to be? Starts in the Bay Area of California. Nice. Where are you going to be? Starts in Santa Cruz, I think. It's like Santa Cruz, the big all the major places in the Bay Area. Santa Cruz, Oakland, San Francisco. And then we have, there's a place called Roanert Park and then Santa Rosa. Nice.

Which are like a little more off the beaten path. I love it. Devil's Canyon Brewery, I think is in Santa Rosa. Great. Sally Tomatoes in Rohnert Park. But get the... Where can people see and get tickets?

On my website, Brendan Walsh, B-R-E-N-D-O-N-W-A-L-S-H.com and then all the ticket links are there. And if you get the tickets in advance, they're like,

you save money. Great. We made them cheap. Are you around, are you at the Petaluma, Petalama Comedy Festival or no? That's because we'll be there doing a live Dumb People Town on August 17th. It's kind of right in that path there. All right.

So go see him in the Bay Area and then come see us. Yeah. If you're in the Bay, there you go. So go to brendonwalsh.com and check it out. There you go. How about that for a mini? There's a mini. Oh, shit. We got gotta get back to work.

It's a good show.