Dumb People Town - Brian Moses - Live From Oklahoma!

Episode Date: June 19, 2018

 This week, Brian Moses (Roast Battle) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Oklahoma for a live Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a woman is cited for causing urine to explode in a 7-11 microwave. In Story #2, a school superintendent is charged with repeatedly pooping on the athletic field. Finally, an assortment of dumb stories from the townies! 

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Punk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey!

Are you ready? Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Oklahoma. So happy to be here. So happy to have done a stand-up show for you. Welcome back in to the people who are here.

We love this podcast so much. It is probably one of the most fun things we get a chance to do. And we are traveling. Way to qualify it, Ran. It is probably one of the most fun things we get a chance to do and we are traveling. Way to qualify it, Ran. It's probably one of the... There's a chance it might be... It could be in the grouping of the things that we do on a regular basis. Okay. We love it.

We love it and we love coming and doing it live for you. Dan's here. Dan Van Kirk's here. We're always surprised by Daniel. Hi, everyone. We got to do it last night in Chicago and we just love meeting the fans of the show.

And there is a man in our community before we introduce our guest and get into the stories. And because we're in a casino, I feel like he is... I feel like in spirit he's with us wherever we go. If you say his name three times in a casino... He might appear.

He'll just come right down through the slot machine. But he was a gentleman. We did a story about his name, of course, is Jan Flato. Jan Flato. He is the mayor. Gem of a man. Do we have a picture of Jan Flato?

We do. All right, let's go. Look at him, guys. He looks like if Vern Lundquist worked at the Guitar Center. He was the inspiration for Glamour Shots. He calls headshots glossies. So Jan Flayto, the story

of Jan Flayto is that he was in a casino with his Russian female friend and that he gave her the money or put the money in the machine and she pressed the button and they hit a $100,000 jackpot. Now, we are sitting here in a casino right now. I hope you all hit $100,000 jackpots. But, I mean, imagine you hit a $100,000 jackpot and you've discussed with your Russian friend, air quotes, that if you were to hit a jackpot, you'll split the money. Well, the rule is if you press the button, it is your money, which was told to her.

It is not the person who pays for the bet. It's the person who places the bet. And so she got the $100,000 and proceeded to tell security to go keep that man away from her as she walked out with all of his money. So we heard this story, and after seeing the picture of Jan Flato, I think we made the comment that Jan Flato has two jet skis and neither of his money. So we heard this story and after seeing the picture of Jan Flato, I think we made the comment that Jan Flato has two jet skis and neither of them work.

And we just started mythologizing this wonderful man and he joined the Facebook community. Joined our Facebook community when he heard about this and he's been commenting all along. So we like to start off our live shows with just a few truisms

that we have come to know about Jan Flato. So we'd like to share those with you right now we have come to know about Jan Flato. We'd like to share those with you right now. You guys ready for some Jan Flato? Jan Flato put a pillow top on his water bed because in his words he gets seasick.

Jan Flato's favorite color is neon. Jan Flato can fix a roller coaster. Jan Flato can fix a roller coaster. Jan Flato in Japanese means unfinished basement. Jan Flato thinks there should be breakfast theater.

Jan Flato will always tell you how long it took to get here. If Jan Flato was Native American, his name would be runs with scissors. All of Jan Flato's jackets have other people's names on them. Jan Flato's home movies are all rated PG-13. Jan Flato lives in a river down by the van.

Jan Flato has given three speeches to different Boy Scout troops without being invited to do so. The last book Jan Flato read, The Secret. Jan Flato calls his transition lenses his Caitlins. Jan's mother's name is

also Jan. Jan Flato has gotten thrown out of two separate Dick's Sporting Goods for haggling. Jan Flato has never shaved. Jan Flato has asked his doctor on more than one occasion if he could get his tubes tied. Jan Flato, everybody! All right, keep that energy going. tubes tied. Jan Plato, everybody! All right, keep that energy going. Our guest on the show, you saw him do stand-up.

He's the host of the Roast Battle on Comedy Central, and he's one of our favorite people in comedy. Would you please welcome Brian. Mother of all the Moses! Brian! Moses! Could not love this guy anymore. Amazing energy. The roast battle, we'll just talk about it briefly for a moment. It is a crazy, as it is, have you guys heard of the roast battle?

Have you seen it? It's incredible. On Comedy Central. It was born out of the organic moment where it was born out of, you can explain, was... Yeah, two guys were going to fight. We said, yes, you should fight. And then we said, no, don't fight.

How about you just talk trash about each other? We'll judge it like a boxing match. And then Roast Battle was born five years ago. I mean, this happened on the... And what's great is it happened in the parking lot of the Comedy Store. And the Comedy Store itself has had a major resurgence. When we first moved to Los Angeles in 99, we were at the Comedy Store and there was a itself has had like a major resurgence. When we first moved to Los Angeles in 99,

we were at the Comedy Store and there was a lot of darkness. This is like... And we don't mean a lot of black comedians. I'm right here. No, I'm sorry. It's only right here.

Now there's a new kind of darkness. A bright darkness. A bright darkness. No. And now I feel like with your show, The Roast Battle and a handful of other shows,

it has now... The Comedy Store is the place to go in Los Angeles for comedy. And just you see the best people judging the celebrity. I mean, who's the biggest celebrity besides me and Jason that you've had to judge The Roast Battle? Jim Carrey. Okay. Never heard of him.

I don't know who that is, but I bet he's big. Jim Carrey, Dave Chappelle. Chappelle was there. We were there. One of the Andretti sons. Oh. The Wolf of Wall Street, Jordan B Chappelle was there. We were there. One of the Andretti sons. Oh. The Wolf of Wall Street, Jordan Balfort was there. Wow.

Really? Harvey Weinstein, Jordan Balfort. Oh, dang. Come on. Come on. He's very judgy. I was going to be like, him too? Terrible.

I had Sklar Brothers. Stop. Well, here's the thing. I'm so happy because Moses is so quick on that show, and his skills lend perfectly for what we are about to do here. We get dumb stories sent to us. Well, sent to Daniel. Sent to Daniel by our dumb ears on the ground.

They're amazing, and they hear these stories, send them to us, and we've never heard them, but Dan has broken them down for us, and we should get into one right now. You want to do a story, guys? All right. Love it. Here we go. I'm going to read the headline.

Who sent it in? Do you know who sent it in? Yes. It was sent in by, how would you say this? Shara Lee. S-H-A-R-A-L-E-E. Shara Lee. There's no spaces in there.

I love her pastries. I do. I love her little apple pies. Some people's names are meant to be yelled at. Cheryl Lee! Sit down! Cheryl Lee, I swear to God, get out of that coat rack.

We are leaving. She's always in a chair. Cheryl Lee is a little kid who was always hiding from her mom inside Kohl's. By the way, that could also be your drunk wife at a wedding shirley get off of that coat rack you are 37 years old i do your children are waiting by the front door this is a walmart get out of that dressing room we're not collecting

all those pins let's go get off the floor shirley shirley roberts at shirley roberts s-h-a-r-a-l-e-e-r-o-b-e-r-t-s thank you thank you so many questions i'm let's just see how far we get on just the headline woman cited for allegedly causing urine to explode in 7-Eleven microwaves. Are they

selling it? I didn't realize you could purchase urine at a 7-Eleven. Also, probably not the worst thing ever put in that microwave. No, the burritos are worse. So much worse. Have you had a burrito? When was the last time you had a 7-Eleven burrito, Moses? This morning. You did not.

This morning. It's really good. That sounds like a golden shower to go. You couldn't just wait to get home. You had to warm it up. I just really like my urine. First of all, you know there's no bathrooms in 7-Eleven. They do not have bathrooms. So if you're going to pee somewhere, you put it in a bag, you put it in the microwave, and you dispose of it the way

God intended it. What if you're the person who walked in while You put it in the microwave, and you dispose of it the way God intended it. What if you're the person who walked in while the microwave was cooking the urine, and you're like, what smells so good in here? This is 7-Eleven. What are you guys serving now? No, I see all the things rolling, but what am I smelling? What is this? It smells like home. Oh, Cheryl Lee's been here, actually.

Aurora Police cited a Denver woman. That's the newspaper wanting people to know, not one of ours. No. She's from Denver. She's from Denver. Probably high. Probably a Denver woman. Aurora Police cited a Denver woman for allegedly damaging a 7-Eleven microwave

by heating up what appeared to be urine causing the urine to explode. Well, the urine didn't explode. Whatever container it was in exploded. The urine just went everywhere. I don't know. Guys, we might have an EMT right here who's going to be like, nope. Urine is highly

combustible. Little known fact. It's explosive. They're dropping urine right now all over Syria. You can grill with urine. That is the problem right now. How the hell are we going to blow this rock out of here so we can put the highway through? Guys, start pissing.

Pee all over it. We'll light it on fire. Pee on it. Okay. The police officer who cited Angelique Sanchez. Not living up to her name. Well, no, but like, is this a new form of a dirty Sanchez? That was good.

Thank you. That was a good one. Thank you. I'm not joking. It's like the female version of it. Yep. But it's kinder and gentler. We've known each other for a while.

Would you be willing to give me an Angelique Sanchez? I think it's time we take our relationship to the next level. If you don't want to let me be weird, then fine. Let's just break up. But I'm telling you out of trust, this is more about intimacy than it is an Angelique Sanchez. We don't have to do the Angelique Sanchez. We don't have to do the Angelique Sanchez. I'm just saying.

Yeah. Where did she get the urine from? I mean, did she get it there? We're going to find out. Maybe the police officer who cited Angelique Sanchez wrote in his report that he found Sanchez at the Concentra Health Clinic about a half mile north of the 7-Eleven at 3200 Chambers Road

in case anyone wanted to go there add that to the dpt walking tour we have one he knows it is scenic and sad according to the may 3rd aurora police department report this is recent guys sanchez was waiting for a physical and urinalysis for a future job so i think what they're saying is by the time the cops caught up with her, she was at a place where she had to do a urinalysis, but she'd already cooked it. It's already been cooked, and she left it in the 7-Eleven. Okay, so without knowing, I think she's from Denver,

so she's smoking weed, and she needs to go to a job that requires her not to smoke weed. Some dumb friend of hers said if you put it in the microwave. They will come. The weed goes out of it. They will come. You can cook the weed right out of it. I'm going to cook that weed right out of my urine.

Okay. Or out of my pee. Cook that weed right out of my pee. Sounds like a hit. right out of my peat. Sounds like a hit. I'm going to read these next five words, but this doesn't mean much to me.

Nine News medical expert Camilla Sasson. Channel Nine News and Aurora guys has their own medical expert, and it's Camilla. And by the way, I can't believe I would call in like a microwave expert or 7-eleven expert i'd call in a 7-eleven expert yeah i'd call in csi at this point uh she said one of the quality check measures for a urine drug screening is to make sure that it's at body temperature 98.6. Plus or minus a few degrees.

That's their expert, guys. Oh, thank you. Their expert knows what your temperature should be. In short, try for any job you want. Because this woman did, and she got it. She probably cooked her urine before she got that job, too. The only kind of rationale would be that after... This is a quote. The only kind of rationale would be that

after you'd say given a urine sample and it gets to room temperature... I'm going to start this over because it is... It's bad. Ready? It's terrible. The only kind of rationale would be that... Not an ellipsis. Just dot, dot.

So it's a period that probably all right anyway no i think they tried because they keep doing this after you'd after you'd say given a urine sample and it gets to room temperature dot dot dot which we know whatever the ambient temperature is maybe that's seven degrees whatever the day is the person writing this is now talking to you like conversational like a menu that's like you're going to love these mashed potatoes just tell me how much they cost and I'll decide if I want them

now now you feel literally they just keep talking to me whatever that day is now you feel the need to warm it up to body temperature maybe that would be a reason to put it in a microwave Sasan said that's their medical expert. Yeah.

What is she, 14? I can't understand her. Camilla, that's the medical expert, added that putting urine in a microwave can also destroy the urine by causing it to overheat. Microwaves destroy everything that you put in them. By overheating them. This woman is essentially like a six-year-old boy. You know what I mean? Just wants to put stuff in and smash it.

See what happens. See what explodes. Did any of you ever accidentally put aluminum foil in a microwave before you knew? Yes. For the listener at home, Brian Moses shook his head no. No, no.

He knows that. Yeah, literally. I was like, no, I've never had a microwave growing up. I never had a dishwasher, ever. Never. I never had a dishwasher, ever. I've still never had a dishwasher. I can loan you one. His name is Enrique. Guys, that's our show.

We've been canceled? No. It was great. No, that's a walk-off home run right there. There's all these different ways that laboratory tests can be done to basically look for samples that are not fresh that are not clean that are not given at that moment okay get out of here shut up the 7-eleven clerk called the police on sanchez after the clerk reportedly witnessed sanchez placed something in the microwave at the store so here you go if you're a criminal out

there they're now calling the cops on you at 7-Eleven when they just see you do something to the microwave. Yeah. She had no clue what was put in. She didn't know it was yours. She put something in the microwave. I called the cops. That's how we do it here at 7-Eleven. Don't wait.

If you see something, call someone. 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven, we'll call on you. 7-Eleven, just try and put something in our microwave. Everything changed since 7-Eleven, we'll call on you. 7-Eleven, just try and put something in our microwave. Everything changed since 7-Eleven. Right. It's a different country. It's a different country now.

The report said that the clerk told police she heard a, quote, loud bang several seconds after Sanchez placed the liquid into the microwave. She should have known something was up when, imagine Angelique Sanchez just kept being like, how do you change the power level on this for urine? She's not very discreet. We know that about her. Sanchez, so this is after the loud bang.

Quote, Sanchez looked at the microwave and walked out the door. I think my job here is done I wonder was that the fifth or sixth problem she ran away from that day so okay Sanchez left and the clerk called the police

she reportedly told the officer this is the clerk that oh no this is Sanchez left and the clerk called the police. She reportedly told the officer, this is the clerk. Oh, no, this is Sanchez. She reportedly told the police officer that, quote, she had cleaned up the mess and did not understand the problem. When I reminded her that urine blew up where people prepare their food. By the way, an upgrade for the 7-Eleven microwave. Again, if you've ever had a 7-Eleven, we do not want urine to mix with the feces that's already in this microwave.

That's what I was going to say. If the cop looks at you and is like, you know, that's where people prepare their food. If I'm Angelique Sanchez, I look at that cop and go, then that's kind of on them. That sounds like more of a their problem than mine yeah if you're going to 7-eleven to get something warm right you've made like eight bad decisions in your life and that's you don't have a choice like that's what you're going to do that the clerk told police she noticed quote yellow liquid dripping from the microwave and the smell was unquestionably urine. Which means she smelled it

and then I guess she yelled to probably an empty 7-Eleven, it's urine! It's pee! It's pee, guys! It's not nacho cheese, right? It's fresh. Yeah, nachos is fresh. Oh, that's way above 98.6.

And nacho cheese is like some fluorescent color that you've never seen before. She still probably heated up her nachos right after. Oh, yeah. So anyway, when the cop reminded her that the urine that she blew up was in a place where people prepare their food, she told the cop it's not real urine. It's full of 7-Eleven. Yeah. Is it ghost

urine? I don't understand what's not real urine. This is artificial urine, not organic. Yeah. I guess before Angelique Sanchez left, she was asked to clean up the mess. From the report, it says Sanchez wiped the microwave onto the floor. So she just like brushed it out of the mic.

It's on the 7-Eleven floor now. You're going to start telling me you give a shit about the floor at 7-Eleven? Oh, I'm the bad guy because I knocked over an appliance? Right. She was given a summons for damaged property. I'm going to ask you guys, how much do you think 7-Eleven valued

this microwave? What is the dollar amount that 7-Eleven puts on their own urine soaked microwave? You are a guest, so you can go first, Tig, which would be second, or third. You can choose your slot

and then make your guess when it comes to you. I'm going to go $1. You're going first. $1. Out of principle, they were just like, we've got to charge her something for that 1978 microwave. Yeah. Okay. Randy or Jay?

I think they said $79. $79 from Randy Sklar. Because they're going to be like, look, we bought it. It was $120. No, no, no, no, no. This is an industrial-sized microwave. They're going to say $212. $212?

$212. Okay. I would like any of our townies out here. Would anybody like to make a guess? I'll pick three people from the audience. How much do you think 7-Eleven values their microwave? Gentlemen, right up here in the front. Tell me your name, townie.

Ryan. How much do you think? $1,200. Solid guess. Okay. Anybody else? Miss right here. Say your name.

So hold on a second, Ryan. It's a time-traveling microwave. Just want to get that straight. right here. Say your name. So hold on a second, Ryan. It's a time traveling microwave. Just want to get that straight. All right. Angie, and how much do you say? $400. So on Angie's list, it's $400. Hats.

No, that was a good one. All right, right back here, my man with the hat. What's your name? Nathan. What do you got? $300. Okay. You guys all outbid me, and I thought I was way too high.

All right. Like everyone else in 7-Eleven, I thought I was way too high. Let's work it backwards. Nathan says $300. Angie says $400. $1,200. For Ryan. For Ryan.

Jason? Ted, $212. Randy? $1,200. I said $79 Ryan. Jason? Ted, $212. Randy? I said $79. $1. Price is right over here. Price is right rules don't matter. We just go closest to it.

It's fine. Okay. I hope I win. 7-Eleven believes. By the way, if you win, you get the microwave. Guys, bring it out, guys. Bring it out. Right here.

Everybody loves that. You thought you recognized this? All the way from Denver. Yep. No, Aurora, God damn it. All right. 7-Eleven. And we're not even done yet. 7-Eleven believes that the estimated value that they want to charge her with damages for from this Angelique Sanchez from Aurora,

the amount is $500. Oh! Angie! Oh, Angie. Put it on the list. Put it on the list. Wow. Angie.

I was on the right track, but I didn't have the guts. The officer wrote in his report that he told an employee at Concentra that Sanchez should not be allowed to take a urinalysis test that day. So now the cop is like, I'm arresting. Before he even arrested her, he finds her at the health clinic to get a urinalysis test, walks up and was like, don't give it to her. She's a mean person, and she blew up a microwave. Does an arrest hurt your chances to get a job?

I don't know. I hope not. Okay. We'll get out of here on this. Brian Moses, again, tell me if you want to go first, second, or third. How old? The crazy thing is, if she gets arrested, the only job she could get would be working at that 7-Eleven.

I know. That's the punishment also, too. She's back, and she's that person's new manager. Right. But that's also time served for the crime is working at 7-Eleven. It just feels like a Mythbusters episode. You know what I mean?

Like can we explode urine inside this microwave at 7-Eleven? I would watch that late at night. I would totally watch that on a plane. Brian Moses, you can go first, second, or third. How old is Angelique Sanchez? How old? How cold is that bitch?

She's cold. Hot piss, cold lady. Do you want to go first? How old is she? Yes. I'm going to say 38 years old. 38 years old. Jeez.

All right, Jason or Randy? I think she's 29. 29 years old. I think her Saturn is returning. I think she's 29. I think she is 43. 29 years old. I think her Saturn is returning. I think she's 29. I think she is 43. 43. That is a pissed off divorcee.

All right. Does anybody in the audience want to make a guess? Right over here. Right in the middle. You put your hand up. What's your name? What's your name? Brittany.

What do you got? 28 from Brittany. Gentlemen, right over here. What's your name, brother? Pat? 19 years old. 19. This over here. What's your name, brother? Pat? 19 years old. This woman put it up right. All right.

Virginia says 22. This is also the rudest thing we've ever done, guessing a woman's age. We let another woman do it, so it's fine. All right. All right. Now, 31, somebody sold with. That is not an official guess. But we'll put it on the board.

He thinks he's playing roulette right now. He's telling us to put 31 black. No, she's not black. Her name is Sanchez. I'm literally still on stage. He's still on stage. 31 red. 31 red.

That is racist in a different way at this casino. She is 26 years old. Look at her up there. Are those crazy eyes? I can't tell. That's the face of somebody who just said, what? That looks like someone who would pee in a microwave. No container.

Yeah. Honestly, she's kind of hot. I let her pee in my microwave. You let her pee in your microwave? I would. I let her pee in my microwave. You let her pee in your microwave? I would. I let her pee in my microwave. Folks, quote, unquote. 26?

26. That's about, yeah. I said 29. Who was closest? Was it me? She was right there. What did you say? Brittany was, right?

28 from Brittany within 12 months. Is that the first story? That is the first story. We will take a break. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town live from the Cherokee Casino. All right, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. That was a great break.

It was great. We got a lot done. We adopted a highway together. I feel like I know you guys more now. You guys, everybody here won $15,000. That's right. Good work. I mean, if you're listening to,000. That's right. Good work. If you're listening to this at home, it feels like a

seamless non-break moment, but we all went. We did a lot. We got a lot done. Angie doubled down on red three times. We all drove to Oklahoma City and TP'd Russell Westbrook's house. It was just fun, but gave him the credit for all the TV.

He wanted the assist. He needs the stats. Moses, is Roast Battle coming back on Comedy Central? Coming back this summer in July. Nice, man. Very nice. Can't wait to be a judge on it. We cannot wait to be a judge on it.

Moses knows we're the best judges who will never get hired on the TV show. You guys really are the best. He says it. It's so fun. It's so fun and your title that you give us on the show to me makes me so happy because it's so degrading and it's so true. It's so hurtful. Tell them what you call us. Everybody's favorite

nobody. It's hilarious. It's loving. And it's true. It's so great. That show is fantastic. We'll be tuning in and watching. You deserve it. It's great to see it again. Daniel, what do we got? Story number two. Let's kick it into high gear.

Let me ask while we're in this. Did any townies here bring any stories with them at all? Anybody? Boom. I got a one. I got a two. Anybody else? Awesome. Good. We'll get to hang out with you guys later. This is my favorite part of doing a dumb people town hall. All right. This was sent in by Brian Cohen

at Brian Cohen BCC. Before Christ Cone? He blind carbon copied it. Nobody will see this. I BCC'd my Twitter handle. We don't even know

that he's on this chain. He was the first person in a hotly contested battle to be the first person. This story over the last three days has probably been sent to me more than any other story. In history?

It's got to be up there. I mean, this was big time. Like people that I hadn't seen since my second senior year of high school weren't sending me this. I love this. Oh, Dan, five-year plan. Home built. Moses is like, you finished high school?

That's amazing. Barely. I did it in four, but it was close. A lot of talks about what do you want to be, Dan? And then I was like, I'll figure it out. Look at guys. I still might. All right.

Holmdel. Call it a case of the public super pooper. Oh, I heard this story. Yeah. I feel like a lot of people have. Holmdel Police have charged Kenilworth Public School Superintendent Thomas...

This isn't how you're supposed to say it, but I'm going to do it anyway. Tramaglini. Tramaglini. Tramaglini. I don't know. The guy poops places. Oh, okay. Tramaglini is basically ravioli filled with poop.

Yes, it is. Well, he's letting it out. I have an order of the chamaglini. They charged him with relieving himself in public every Monday morning. Or no, it's worse than that. Relieving himself in public early Monday morning after school officials reported finding quote daily deposits of excrement excrement by an athletic field by an athletic field or on an

athletic field maybe both what's the message you're sending by not putting that on the field look he wants i mean if you're sitting on a field you should leave it all on the field. I mean, if you're shooting on a field, you should leave it all on the field. I've said that. Leave it all. He left it all on the field, Tremigliani. He left it near the field. I'd watch that version of Varsity Blues. Varsity Browns.

Oh. At Sklar Brothers. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys. It's good to know we can't go low enough here at the Cherokee Casino.

Tramajlini, we're just, I might say it different every time. 42 years old, a Matawan resident, was issued citations on Tuesday for public urination or defecation. So they're like one of the other man. We got you discarding and dumping of litter and lewdness. Isn't it only lewdness if people see it right? Come on. I don't know if a guy poops in

public and there's no tree to see it, did it happen? According to the state's municipal court case database, lewdness is a disorderly person's offense. Whatever. Holmdel High School staff and athletic coaches alerted a school resource officer, quote, that they were finding human feces at or near the track and football field, quote, on a daily basis. Oh, my God.

Consistency. It is consistency. That's what they were looking for in the athletic program. That's what they were looking for in the shit, consistency. Guys, bring it in. Bring it in, guys. Bring it in. Take a knee.

Take a knee. If you're going to shit in public, I want you doing that every single day. You got to commit. The only way you're going to get better. If you can't say to yourself in high school I'm going to do this every day. What kind of man you're going to be when you grow up? Apparently this guy. Yep.

Superintendent by the way. Superintendent. Yeah. This is all according to a Facebook post by Township Police. There's something I'll never get over about the police just like hey, we're our own newspaper now and they just put everything on their Facebook page. I'm going to show us a pic of the guy he looks like a like a like a low rent like a low rent villain from a steven seagal straight to vhs movie that came

out in other words the steven seagal movie let's look at him oh And by the way, if you want to look at him and you're at home, join the Facebook page. He looks like he's pooping in that picture. Doesn't he look angry? Like even if I was a cop, I'd be like, smile a little man. Trust me, a lot of

people are going to see this. Smile a little bit. I can't unsee those eyes. Those brown eyes. Those beady brown eyes. Don't it make my brown eyes. Don't it make my brown eyes. Don't it make me want to poo.

All right. Terrible. I was so glad you didn't bail on it. I wanted you to sing two more verses. And this is only one school he did this at? Yeah, he would do it at one school, right? A rival high school outside of the district he was the superintendent of. Oh, the rival school.

He's the superintendent. He's setting the tone for staff all the way underneath him. He's like Zach Morris, just like repping Bayside so hard. I mean, what do you get this guy at the school district Christmas party? A squatty potty? Secret Santa? A diaper. Look at him, though, guys.

Imagine your first date with him at the Cheesecake Factory. And he's like, this is going great. I like our date right now. I like the chatter we're having. Do you know how many people come up to me and say, are you Giovanni Ribisi? It's incredible. I became a man and everything grew on me except my mouth. It's little.

Look at is the cutest little mouth. It's a tiny, tiny. I know the SRO, which is like the like the school cop, right? Yeah, the SRO along with school staff monitored the area and was able to identify a subject responsible for the acts. So they started doing their own stakeouts. They're like dressed as goalposts. Imagine. They're refs.

They're refs just out in the field. Don't move, Glenn. I'm standing still. Don't move, Glenn. I'm standing still. He's going to come by and we're going to catch his shitting ass. Sit down, Cheryl Lee. Cheryl Lee, you are supposed to be the play on. Do not move. You are representing the plane that the football would have to break.

Come on, Cheryl Lee. We got him. Also, think about the meetings. I have friends that are teachers, and they love the kids. Sure, right? But what they don't want to do is anything more than what they signed up for, as most people do. So how much of a problem and how long most of this have gone on

that a group of teachers were like, fuck it, we'll come in at 5 a.m. until we find the shitter. You better bring donuts and cigarettes because I'm not doing this for free. Can we smoke while looking for this guy? Also, that's the thing. You know they all thought it was a kid.

There was probably so many days that they were like, how you doing, sir? He's like, doing good. They're like, we're just out here trying to catch this shit and kid. He's like, good luck. Just finished my run. Yeah.

It's like American Vandal, the pooper episode. Oh, that would be good, right? So they end up staking out the football field and track every day until they catch him. The alleged discharge of bodily waste. Whoever wrote this article is so mad that they're writing it. They're like, I'm not saying poop. I'm not saying it.

I'm not going to say doo-doo or crap. I will say the alleged discharge of bodily waste. Or they were given a word count for this article and they're like, how long can I make this sentence? It's amazing that he was the superintendent and that he wasn't the number two guy

in the district. That was pretty good. That was great. That's what he gets. He gets demoted down to number two. The alleged discharge of bodily waste occurred at 545 a.m. on a Monday.

That's commitment. He's got to get up at 545 a.m. on a Monday. That's commitment. That's what I was going to say. So he's got to get up at like five to get there. Right. Get his coffee in him. Brew it up a little bit. Get ready. Let it percolate.

Uh-huh. Stretch out that little mouth. Damn. Easy on his mouth. I'm sorry. It creeps me out. It is like a tiny doll's mouth. Okay. Little mouth

big dumps. Which is his rapper name. Little mouth big dumps. So the track he would run around the track and then eventually he'd be like, I'm pooping right here. I'm about to show you a picture that has two

things in it no we're not going there we don't have to it's all in our minds unfortunately one i wanted to show you where the bathrooms are in relation to this track but i also don't want to stop looking at his mouth so let's go to the next photo the restrooms are right there literally just make a walk go around for the guys if you're you're not here in person if you're listening to this but trust me all you would have to do is just go wide of the stands and he would be right at the bathrooms every time he's not not going to the bathroom because he can't make it there. Dan, he's going to the bathroom. Sending a message to this school district.

Have any of you ever had a moment where you were like, oh, I'm going right now? Yeah. We've all had that. Yes. Not every day. Most of you have? Yeah, at Homedale High. Where you go?

Are you the pooper? So they make their mascot. We're the home del shits. Now, before you saw his picture, Moses, were you like, please let it be a white guy. Please let it be a white guy. Please.

Oh, I knew it was a white guy. That's classic white guy behavior. Classic white guy. Doesn't he also look like everybody in the first four hours who argues with Jack Bauer on 24? He's the guy. Why are we wasting our times with this Bauer? Oh, Jack Bauer's on

another goose chase. He just does it and then he ends up dying. Obviously, they're like round hour 18, but like somehow a tiger broke into CTU. Whatever happens on 24. That's a deep cut. So Chamagla and I did not comment when approached by a reporter Thursday afternoon

as he was leaving his townhouse. Of course he lives in a townhouse. Of course it was a split-level townhouse that he moved to after the divorce. Yeah. Can you imagine to the reporter, he was like, canlevel townhouse that he moved to after the divorce. Yeah. Okay. Can you imagine, too, the reporter? He was like, can I just talk to you for one minute?

And he's like, I think you know enough about me by now. Yeah. There's no need. Efforts to reach him by phone and email were not successful. Yeah, he's shutting it down, guys. The only thing he's shutting down. I know. Many in social media jumped to his defense of the more than 20 comments posted about the story on the Asbury Park Press Facebook site.

So now cops and newspapers are just making their Facebook, their newspapers. Comments mostly focused on the overwhelming power of nature. One comment stated, when you gotta go, you gotta go every day at 545. Right, right. Another question. This is going to get in some logic. Maybe

somebody can help me figure out another commenter questioned why seniors who urinate in the woods of golf courses don't face the same long arm of the law. Is there an epidemic in this country of old people pissing in golf courses? That's right. That happens?

Yeah. Look, here's my question. If he came forward, and this is almost like we say this about Tom Brady and all those other guys, whether you're right or wrong. If he came forward and was like, look, I'm in a new relationship. I can't ever let her smell my shit. I'm having trouble with it. There's a school nearby. I don't want her to break up with me.

This is my routine. You can be mad at me, but I'm trying to save this relationship. I am trying to get in a relationship, and all I have is a townhouse and a Chrysler Cordova. You got to give me every advantage I can have. There is some truth. That's genius. When you have the new date farts, like when

you're dating somebody and you get gassy and you're like, I can either find an excuse to go to my car or this relationship's over. Or go in the bathroom and sit on a towel, but something needs to happen right now. Or I leave her and never talk to her ever again.

Right. It is literally like a Diane Keaton movie. Something's got to get. Randy. I mean, I'm looking. People at home can't see this, but if you look at this track and you look at the stairs, I want to know how steep those stairs are because I've had to go and then like, oh, I got to run up these stairs.

I might as well just do it here. Wow. It's a lazy. That was in the Statue of Liberty to look at all these stairs. Just do it. They're going to go right here in the base. Yeah. You know what?

And people can look at it on the Facebook page. This picture. Yeah. They'll get to see the beauty of his face. He's not an ugly guy. It's just his mouth creeped me out a little bit. I get it, Dan. I get why his mouth creeped you out. Tremaglini

is scheduled to appear in Holmdel Municipal Court on May 30th. And then here's how they end this story. And for everything we've talked about, it makes perfect sense to me. This is the last sentence of this story. I'm going to read them back to back.

Tremogl and I is scheduled to appear in Holmdel Municipal Court on May 30th. In other news, Danny DeVito speaks up for Asbury Boardwalk. Danny DeVito shows up at the end of this story. He can't be happy about that. I have no clue why. He's just like, how am I going to close out this pooper story? Speaking of little shits.

That's story two. Stick around. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Alright guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Do you want to do a third story? Should we do a third story? Let's do it. Daniel will do it and then we'll take the three stories that are

waiting out there. By the way, follow Brian Moses on the old Twitter and on Instagram. Two separate names. Oh yeah. At Race Banning. Yes. Kind of like Race Banning but at an ING. And then on the IG, on the gram, I'm fox.compton. Fox.compton.

You're never going to find me, but look for me. Check him out. He's great on both. A great follow for both of those. Check that out. Let's jump into the story three. This was sent in by Christy Piccola at Christy Piccola. C-R-I-S-T-Y-P-I-C-C-O-L-A.

There is no other Christy Piccola. There's only one. She had to get Pepsi and Cola all in the same thing. I know. In a case of truth being stranger than fiction. Oh, boy. I know that's so newsy speaking. It's like, shut up.

In a case of truth being stranger than fiction. Let me decide that. Don't tell me what's being stranger than fiction. Let me decide that. Don't tell me what's strange in your fiction. Newton police took a man to the emergency room on May 1st after he was found attempting to have sex with a car. Oh. I knew we'd get to it. Urine, feces, semen.

Car sex. Yep. Welcome to Dump People Town. Dick on a hard body. I like it. Quote, we were called to the 1200 block of East Broadway. Add that to the walking tour. Please.

To a report of a naked male underneath a car. That's all the cops know when they're headed there. Can we tell, Dan, can we tell the story of what happened to us in the hotel last night? Yes, of course you can. Speaking of just running. You guys are the first audience to ever get to hear this. And when they told me, I was like, you lived a life in one night. Right.

This might eventually make it into our stand-up act. Please add jokes and tags, Brian Moses. All right. So Randy and I, we were in Chicago last night, and we got it. Flew in, day of the show, afternoon. I texted the flew in day of the show afternoon I texted the guy was running the show I'm like what's our hotel he's like it's the Chicago Hotel the Hotel Chicago anytime it's that general you know it's not a good hotel this is bad it's the Hotel Chicago great so I've never heard of that chain. I don't know what it is.

We show up. It's in the West Loop. We're like, what's this neighborhood? I've never been to this neighborhood before. It's developing. It's developing like Rwanda. All right. Guys, I'm right here.

He's right here. He's still right here. He's right here. It's developing like Guatemala. All right. It's developing like the West Bank of Israel. Okay. So we show up, and we get into the hotel, and it's weird.

It's immediately weird. Like, there's a lot of people standing around, not a lot of people working. One guy's like, have you seen our new photographs? I was like, I just want to check into your hotel. It's all like half-naked pictures of a German Olympic swimmer. That's what he was like. You got to see our new photographs. Fantastic.

Sounds worth it to me. So families come here? Is that what you do? Then we go up to our room. The guy, one guy, it was his last day at work there who checked us in, and he was wearing a tiara on his set. To celebrate his last day at work. I was like, well, you got tiara-ed, I guess.

I don't know what that means. I'm like, are you drunk? Like, why do you have it? You're like at a bachelorette party and you're a man. Good for him. And so, yeah. But then the best part about it is there's like three other people in blazers and he ultimately is the one who checks us in

because none of them can figure it out. It's like a windbreaker and a tiara. Windbreaker and tiara, and he's the most accomplished person in this room. Windbreaker and tiara is one of my favorite all-rock bands. Was he going to give him a lap dance? What was happening here? Was he stripping? No, he was not.

Guys and Blazers? He's like, oh, you're the Sklar brothers. And we're like, yeah. Before you check in, would you be willing to fill out this questionnaire about the pictures you looked at? No, we don't care about the half-naked German swimmer. All right. How was it, though? It was pretty good.

It was amazing. Really artistically well composed. So then we go up to our rooms, and they are like, again, you go to a hotel room. I'm like, is this furniture from a flea market? I cannot tell. And then I'm like, so here's what, there's a mini fridge. And then on top of the mini fridge is a microwave full of piss. Like a, just a microwave.

Like what, what am I going to be microwaving in this time? This isn't like an executive suites, like kitchen mini, a microwave and a mini fridge. And then this weird bathroom where nothing is nice in this room and i'm scared to take a shower but i do it i get out and i'm like this is a weird hotel we're only going to be here for a few hours let's just do that we come out of the hotel we go do our shows we say to dan what floor are you on in the hotel this is late at night this is like three shows after we've done three shows and we had breakfast at 3 a.m.,

we said, Dan, what floor are you on? He's like 24. We're like, ah, good one, Dan. There's like four stories in this shitty hotel. No, I was on floor 24. And we're like, what are you talking about? He's like, you guys are down at the club quarters on the River Hotel. We're like, no, we're not.

I'm like, yeah, you are. That's where I'm at. Like, no, we're at the hotel. And then Jim Weber you are. That's where I'm at. Like, no, we're at the hotel. And then Jim Weber, the other guy who told me to go to the Hotel Chicago, is like, no, no, you're at the River Hotel. I'm like, you told us the Hotel Chicago. So we figure out that he maybe got wrong information, and we got sent to the wrong hotel, checked into the wrong hotel,

even though there were rooms for us. And we said, all right, let's take an Uber to that hotel. I don't think there were rooms for you. I think a guy on his last day in a tiara was like fuck it you two want rooms i got i'm on my way out of this you tell me whatever name you want asshole this tiara has given you a room it's like i love the sky brothers i love your chopper too we're like it's chopper four whatever you're drunk it's your bachelorette party. Who cares? Go ahead. You guys left. He's like, I gave those two guys rooms.

They're not even checked in. Who cares? Who gives a shit today? Which, by the way. That's how that worked out. I know. But that is like if there was a slogan for the Chicago Hotel, it would be, who gives a shit today? If I could describe the furniture in my room, it would be who gives a shit today.

So we leave 3 o'clock in the morning. We take an Uber there. And I say, I'll meet you guys at the Chicago Hotel. Little did I know, they were about to go on a journey that no one could have prepared them for. So Dan goes back to the club quarters. We go to the Chicago Hotel. And we're this lovely woman.

We're talking to her. She's like, I'll wait for you guys. Lift driver. She's like like i'll wait for you guys lift driver she's like i'll wait for you guys we're like thank you so much as we're walking to the door there's a shady dude who walks past the door of the hotel like walking away from the hotel the second we put our key on to open up the door he comes in right suddenly behind us and he's coming into the hotel with us. We're like, you probably don't have a room here. He tailgated you. This is how we die. And so we're like, let's try and check out of this hotel. But of course

nobody is there. No one's at the front desk and there's a sign that's saying no one may ever be back at the front desk. There's just a broken tiara and a windbreaker on the ground. So we're like a bloody windbreaker in the car. We're about to go up in the elevator.

The guy in the tiara is now in the pictures with the German. And you're like, it's the shining. We open the elevator and a ton of blood comes out. So we're about to go in the elevator and we see this guy

just who followed us in here. We're like, let's let him go up the elevator and go murder someone else. And then we'll go up to our room so we wait down there just pretending to try and talk to someone who's not even there and they don't so he goes up the elevator then we go up to the elevator get to our third floor we come out of the elevator and here's how the rooms are set up it's jay's rooms on one side then two rooms are in the middle then my room is on the other side right there we come out of the elevator walk

straight ahead walk straight ahead. Walk straight ahead. There's a door open, and standing right inside the door is a completely naked man. Totally naked dude. A naked man just in the wind. Just waiting. Looking around like, where is the man that I ordered to come here? We're like, we're not the man that you ordered.

We're not judging you. We're judging you. You're doing that, but we're not judging you for whatever you ordered. Like put on a towel to open the door, but whatever. If you ordered something great. Who opens their door to a hotel completely naked? Totally naked. I'll tell you who.

Guys, I'm still right here. I was going to say everyone at the Chicago Hotel. Or a guy who thought, it's almost four in the morning. I heard the ding of the elevator. Who else could be coming down this hallway? I'm going to go out there with confidence and love for tonight. How was it? So it was pretty scary.

So we zipped to our rooms. But as Randy's going to his room, he noticed. I see the second room that's in between us. The door's open. And the guy from downstairs who came in after us, he's standing in that doorway right there. I was like, what is happening right now? We gather up our stuff.

I'm running out like we're both going to get murdered by a naked man. There's a guy in the corner just lighting fireworks and throwing them. Little Sister Christian is playing on them.

And we escaped out of there. I don't even know if there's an ending to this. No, you get downstairs. Oh, this is it. Yeah, we get downstairs. Nobody is there. Who's at the front desk except for a white woman who is waiting there to check in, but no one's there.

She's like, what do I know you guys from? I know you from something. And we're like, from the night that we almost got killed at the Chicago hotel. We get into the Uber, and the woman is so nice. She doesn't charge us. She drives us all the way over the club quarters. I get into the room and I lay down.

I unpack all my stuff. I lay down. My head hits the pillow. I'm like thoroughly glad that I've made it. And I lay there for a minute and I say to myself, you know, I miss the old place. I miss the old place. And then I turned next to him and I said,

me too. I was like, why are you in my bed? All right. That was our story about the Chicago. That really happened. Back to the naked man who was banging a car, but the cops had no clue.

Just like there's a naked guy under the car. They're like, anything else? No, you'll figure it out when you get there. They were called to the 1200 block of East Broadway when they find a naked male under a car. Quote, he was attempting to stick his member into the tailpipe of the vehicle. The tailpipe's so big,

if he's having trouble putting it in there, this guy has a future in porn now there was only one photo associated with this story it's not good it's the dumbest picture you could think let's go to it that's it just the dual exhaust of what i'm assuming is a 2001 pontiac grand am g6 i mean that's, did anyone make the joke we're not going to fall for the banana in the tailpipe? They did now. He's got two options there. Choose your hole, I guess. According to Lieutenant Scott Powell,

the suspect did not respond to officer commands and officers used a taser to subdue him. Quote, he was high on some sort of drug. Officers were there and he continued to try and have sex with the tailpipe. He wouldn't listen to commands or anything. That's like an exasperated cop who's like, we tried talking sense to him. You mean to the naked guy trying to have sex with a car and he didn't listen that guy wouldn't listen to authority.

That's so weird. He doesn't live by these rules. He wants to live on Avatar Pandora. Whatever I gotta be honest, it's got some pretty solid tailpipe. You're like, listen to the cops. He's chasing tail. Imagine that conversation with the cops, sir, sir, sir,

sir, stop having sex with it. Stop trying to have sex with. Sir, sir, sir, sir, stop having sex with it. Stop trying to have sex with that car. Sir, sir, stop it. Was it his car? Who knows? Well, it's his car. That's his. Well, no, no, no.

Here's what we know. The car can't say yes. So it is by nature non-consensual sex. Wait, wait. It's not Kit from Knight Rider? Kit from Knight Rider liked to take it in the trunk. I hope the dude was like yelling at the cops like they were in the wrong. Like, stop looking, you creeps.

You guys are fucking weirdos. Stop looking at us. Stop looking. You guys get out of here, weirdos. Kit from Knight Rider's like, Michael, that feels very bizarre. Wait, did he take this car to dinner first?

I don't even know. It was probably a lease. I mean, you don't take a car to dinner before you have sex with it. You take it to a drive-thru. Quote, he wouldn't listen to commands or anything. They ended up tasing him sounds like this guy's an uncle

tased him the man who will likely be charged with a misdemeanor of lewd and lascivious behavior was intoxicated to the point he was nearly incoherent quote he was so impaired we could not take him to jail, Powell said. Would you just take him to a field? Run around for a while. Get this out of you. Don't go by my car. Get away from my car. Get!

I just washed that car. That was a way better tailpipe. That car is only two years old. Knock that off. Not tailpipe. That car is only two years old. Knock that off. Not not at Daniel Van Kirk. He was taken to the emergency room as a result

of his odd behavior due to his blood alcohol level. Officers also observed what appeared to be a head injury previous to the interaction with the officers. If he bumped his head on a counter and this is where life took him, that's CTE, guys. They wanted him checked out by medical professionals, Lieutenant Powell said. Officers were not aware of anything like this ever happening before in Newton.

That's always my favorite when the cops are like, can I close with this? We don't know of shit like this going down in our town at all and we don't like it. They couldn't take him to a hospital. He would have tried to fuck the ambulance. Brian Moses, you can go first, Tig or third. What was

his blood alcohol level? Now, for those who know, .08 is the legal limit. If you're.08 or more, you can get a DUI. We're going to get out. We're going to finish our third story on this. All right. So it's.08.

That's the legal limit. Yeah. And he was super. .18. All right. .18. Jason and Randy? I think he was at a.35.

A.35. Yeah. I think he was on the verge of death. Yeah. I think he was at a.3. A.3 for you, I think he was like on the verge of death. Yeah, I think he was at a.3..3 for you, Rand? Yeah. Okay.

I would like three guesses from our town. These gentlemen right up here on the front. Say your name. Robert. Robert, what's your answer? .24. All right. I was confident.

It's like you've been there before. My man right here with the backwards hat? Steven. .35. Thank you, brother. Elena? 0.22. Let's make it four because you got your hand up, brother.

What's your name? Tyler. Okay. Okay. 0.4. This got so personal for Tyler. Tyler's been wanting to share what it's like to have a 0.24 in his system. Oh,.4. This got so personal for Tyler. You know what? Tyler's been wanting to share what it's like to have a.24 in his system for years.

He has a reference point, and he's using it, and I appreciate that. This is the first time Tyler's been at a meeting where he explained that he had a.24, and everyone in the meeting didn't say, hi, Tyler. Take it just one step at a time. Wait, Tyler, you said 0.4? That is like pouring straight vodka on the breathalyzer. He knows. He knows. All right, fine.

OK. Have you ever had a second with Dar? No. Tyler's like, to me, that's 0.4 level, god damn it. It's going lower. All right. I'm going to tell you this. One of you is exactly right.

Tyler. Now, that means we get to play a second game just for the three people up here. Who do you think is exactly right? Man, I'm going to go Tyler. Okay. That's impressive. Randy. Tyler's confidence is scary. It's unnerving. I'm going to go Tyler. Okay. I. That's impressive. Randy Tyler's confidence is scary. It's

unnerving. I'm going to go Tyler. Okay. I think I got it right. What I say three point four or three point five four. You said point three. You said point three. What is it? Point three. You said point three five. You guys said this. Okay. Point three five. We agreed. Yep.

The man who tried. So could you even charge him? It doesn't sound like he did it. We agreed. Yeah. The man who tried. Could you even charge him? Because it doesn't sound like he did it. Tried to have sex with what I'm assuming is a Pontiac Grand Am GT. Nine months later, the car gives birth to a golf cart. That looks a lot like him. That looks a lot like him.

Fully erect. Maybe. How many times did the cops try to make the joke, check his dipstick, save his... The man tried to have sex with a car, got arrested, was so drunk they had to take him to the emergency room, blew, I don't know if he blew, but whatever, his blood alcohol content was

point three five oh here. Yes, due to the bylaws of dumb people town. You need to get the fuck out of here right now. I'm happy. I guessed it. I got it right.

So that feels really good. I love your honesty, even though it comes well after the part where we needed it. All right. So I think two people came with their own personal stories. We're going to close the show out. Okay. Come on up to the microphone.

We want to meet you and be your new friend. Gentleman right here. And anybody else who has one? Yes. Perfect. Yeah, pick up the mic if you want. So what we'll do for these, give us the headline, and we will go off of that.

Drunk man tries to stab tree, stabs himself, gets arrested. The trifecta. If I'm the cop, I'm like, Mike, can I talk to you for a second? I think he's already punished himself. Trees will dodge a knife. We know that about trees. If it's windy, they could be swaying. How do you stab yourself trying to stab a tree?

You want to give us a couple of top sentences? Let me just take a stab in the dark. A mountain home man is in jail after he allegedly showed up drunk at a rural mountain home residence, attempted to stab two people there with a knife, missed, and later stabbed himself while attempting to stab a tree, according to a news release

from Baxter. So the tree was out of frustration. It was like, I missed those two in there. Let me just get the tree so I can at least get... You know how you're playing basketball and you're shooting on the hoop? You're like, I gotta leave making one. One shot and then I walk off the court. I me just get the tree so I can at least get... You know how you're playing basketball and you're shooting on the hoop. You're like, I got to leave making one. One shot and then I walk off the court. I'm just going to stab this tree and walk off. So that was the equivalent

of a stabbing layup and he airballed it. He tried to stab two people, then tried to stab a tree, then stabbed himself. They should have started this article with, a Mountainville man called by most a failure. Dominic Anthony Swingle. Ooh, D-A-S if you're dirty. Dominic Anthony Swingle. Ooh, D-A-S if you're dirty. He took a Swingle and he missed.

Oh, that was good. That was good. Thank you. Went to a home in the 100 block of Baxter County Road, 989, shortly after 8 p.m. Thursday night. That's early in the night, by the way. That's not at a time

when you should be that drunk. Individuals at the home reported to deputies that Swingle was intoxicated and acted aggressive towards people at the home. At some point, Swingle allegedly pulled out a knife and attempted to stab two different people. He missed both times. You know what's not going to move

on me? This tree. Or is it? When the occupants of the residence returned home... So, I'm skipping ahead a little bit. So, they left, came back. When the occupants of the residence returned home and went into the kitchen, they found Swingle passed out

with blood all around him, according to the news release. At that point, the occupants of the residence chose to call authorities. I would have let him bleed out like a deer. I like that they left and were like, let's let him work this out himself. We'll come back. He'll have settled down. Let's go to Applebee's for an hour. Baxter County Deputy

Jacob Zappa arrived on scene to find Swingle still in the kitchen nursing what was described as a large cut to his right hand. Zappa called an ambulance for the failed stabber who was transported to Baxter County Regional Medical Center where he received treatment for the self-inflicted wound.

Dude. Dude. This last line takes two. Give us the last line of this article. Swingle reportedly told the deputy that he cut his hand when he attempted to stab a tree. While Arkansas does have animal cruelty laws, there are no similar laws to protect trees from stabbing itself. There you go. Way to go a tree. While Arkansas does have animal cruelty laws, there are no similar laws to protect trees from

stabbing its host. Way to go, Arkansas. You found a way to let this guy live. Thank you so much. That was a good one. Oh, that makes me laugh. Poor Drew. How are you, buddy? Good. How are you? Nice. Are they supposed to be local stories?

They can be anywhere. We got your name? What was your name? Graham. Okay, Graham. Thanks, brother.... We got your name? What was your name? Graham. Okay, Graham. Graham? Thanks, brother. All right, sir. And you are Pat, right?

I am Pat, yes. All right. I was just scrolling through some emails. You guys know that. All right. Man trying to take a selfie dies after being mauled by bear. Oh. We're going to have to keep it short

because my rule is you can't die unless it's really funny. And I'm guessing this isn't funny. Not that it isn't funny, but it's also tragic. And he brought it on himself. Was it at a zoo? What if they should just call this

suicide by bear? Yeah. A man was mauled to death by a bear after reportedly trying to take a selfie with the creature. When you say a bear, you mean a hairy gay man. Oh, he tried to take a selfie When you say a bear, you mean a hairy gay man. With the creature. Oh, he tried to take

a selfie with the creature. Yes. After stopping to go to the toilet on his way home from a wedding. What? The bear? This happened in India, so I'm not going to try any names. The man said to have spotted the injured animal

in the Nirbandu district of Odisha, India. Okay. His fellow SUV passengers advised him against trying to take a picture with the creature. Don't do it. Any animal hurt or healthy, leave alone. Leave it alone. Especially a bear. As he sidled up.

And he probably said to the fine. You take it. Your arms are longer than mine. I can't get both of us in this. It's fine. He likes it. The bear struck and a struggle ensued. We might have to stop it there. Pat, I love you but I think I've got to

give me one more sentence. A stray dog also stepped in and bit the bear. If this dog gets hurt, I'm editing you out of this episode. A stray dog also stepped in and bit the bear, but its intervention failed to deter the larger animal. Okay. Why is it the headline of this story, dogs literally trying to help us all the time?

Right. Pat, I've got to close you out there, dude. Dude. There's one line. One line. Pat is like, basically Pat is screening the movie Grizzly Man for us. The Forest Ranger said the man died on the spot.

Okay. But he added, the bear is being treated for its injuries. Okay. Good. You know what I like about this? They're like, we're not putting this on the bear.

No. The bear didn't ask to have the picture taken. Only you can prevent selfie deaths. That's a lot better than I was afraid it

would. Thank you. Hi there. Hi. Hi, guys. What's your name? Michelle. Hi, Michelle.

Welcome to town. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. This one's called Tulsa man found inside septic tank arrested for peeping Tom.

What was he hoping to see in there? Something shitty. He was in a septic tank. He's not just a peeping Tom, he's a pee-peeing Tom. Or a pooping Tom. Okay. A woman taking her seven-year-old daughter

to the restroom at Keystone Lake Park saw a man looking up at her from inside the public toilet. Impressive. If he's in there and I'm the cops, I'd be like, cement this over. No. Here's what I do. I take the bear from the selfie story

and I throw him in that septic tank and see what happens. The Tulsa County Sheriff deputies were called to Whitewater Park bathroom or women's bathroom early Sunday evening by Park Ranger the park on are you going to cry?

no I'm trying to shorten it part of me wants you to break down and be like I can't continue I'm getting very emotional. This is too much. Okay, so the toilet facilities include a septic tank under a cement slab. Of course. A plastic toilet seat sets over the hole that allows access for septic service,

according to the arrest reports. So the lady says, I saw that he was standing with his head and shoulders out of the hole and that he was covered in feces. If I'm the cops, I just walk up like, you in there? Yeah. You understand we're going to stun you, right? You're getting tased no matter how this goes. Here's the deal. We're going to light

the whole place on fire and say it's an accident. Okay? And in fact, we're really going to ruin your night because we're going to blindfold you and then everybody's going to shit on you so you don't even get to see what you came for. Okay. And in fact, we're really going to ruin your night because we're going to blindfold you and then everybody's going to shit on you so you don't even get to see what you came for. All right. So Fire and Rescue helped him out of the toilet and used a fire hose

to clean him off. I would turn that on high. Yep. That'd be like a John Rambo situation if I'm them. So his story is that his girlfriend Angel hit him in the head with a tire iron and dumped him in the toilet. I like Angel a lot.

Seems like Angel had the right idea. A lot of puns in that. Dumped him in the toilet? Dumped him, yeah. What an Angel. He said Angel drove him to the dam in her blue and white 72 Chevy Monte Carlo and left him in the dam in her blue and white 72 Chevy Monte Carlo. Angel?

Why is that important? Is she Charlie's Angel? What is this? Is Angel part of Dom's fam in Fast and the Furious? She's in Tulsa Drift. She showed up in Ice Charger. Daisy Dookies. Oh. Oh, Moses.

Should we get out on that? I think we got to get out on that. That was pretty great. Thank you. We got one more. Thank you so much. That was a good one. Hello, sir.

What's your name? Hello, gentlemen. My name is Shelby. Hey, Shelby. Welcome to town. Thank you. Artifacts. Ancient artifacts seized from Hobby Lobby returned to Iraq.

Okay. First of all, how many women who are exactly like my mom are pissed they didn't find these at Hobby Lobby? Artifacts. I'm not shitting you guys. This year, Black Friday, I spent three hours inside Hobby Lobby. No. Yes, with my mom and my nephew, Tommy.

Tommy and I just started breaking shit to be like, most of this stuff's foam for decorating. They don't care. There's lots of great stuff at Hobby Lobby. What? What, are you going to find an ancient artifact that goes to Iraq? Yeah, good luck. Oh, we actually did.

Oh. Thousands of ancient clay tablets seals and other iraqi archaeological objects were smuggled into the u.s and shipped to the head of arts and crafts chain hobby lobby were returned to iraq government on wednesday okay so they got banned from the country they're like get these out of here also hop this Hobby Lobby has faced some bad press in the last couple of years. If I'm them, I'm like, guys, you don't know what you'll find at Hobby Lobby. That's right. This is the best marketing they've ever gotten.

Anything's possible. Also, what if the person was like, we need to send these somewhere where most of the shit never gets purchased? Let's send it to Hobby Lobby. Or a Joe and Stratrix. I was going to say, let's send it to a hobby lobby. Or a Joanne's Fabrics. I was going to say, let's send it to Iraq. That's the thing. It's like, at a hobby lobby, they send it all to Iraq, it's going to get destroyed anyway at this point.

Prosecutors say Steve Green, the president of the $4 billion company, agreed to buy more than 5,500 artifacts in 2010 for $1.6 million in a scheme that involved a number of middlemen and the use of This feels like a Nicolas Cage movie. Right, or the most boring Coen Brothers movie. Bob Marocik, an assistant professor in archaeology and anthropology at Boston University, said that while Hobby Lobby executives may have simply blundered,

quote, sometimes it's a deliberate smuggling attempt. This is the next plot for the newest Indiana Jones. That's what I was going to say. If this real-life Indiana Jones didn't run into a Hobby Lobby and say, this stuff belongs in a museum! And just starts whipping people. Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, we got a deal. Prosecutors say Hobby Lobby was warned by its own expert that inquiring antiquities from Iraq carried, quote, considerable risk because so many of the artifacts in circulation are stolen.

Hobby Lobby. Don't give a fuck. They're like, come get them, bitch. Ancient cuneiform tablets were labeled ceramic tiles and items carried paperwork that said they came from Turkey or Israel. Prosecutors said

artifacts were deliberately undervalued with one shipping label listed 300 clay tiles valued at $1 each. When they were actually clay boule, with combined value of, I will ask you gentlemen. Oh! Yes! Shelby might as well work for FedEx

because that motherfucker can't deliver. Yes. All right. How much is the shipment worth? Okay, so they said 300 tiles enlisted at a dollar each. Saying $300, but what is the real actual value? Moses, you want to go first?

$300K. I'm going to go $1.2 million. Oh, no. $750,000. Yeah, you're in the right ballpark i'm gonna go i'm gonna go the value is dan never gets to guess he's so excited right now i mean if i'm gonna go value of uh the value of uh 2.4 million dollars wow the shipment of clay belayay. Did everybody guess?

Yeah, we all guessed. Here's the question. Yell at your... $300,000. I said $1.2 million. Jason said $50,000. Dan says $2.4 million. Yell at your ham radios at home.

The shipment of Clay Boulay, mislabeled as ceramic tiles, undervalued at $300, has an actual monetary value of $84,120. Oh, Moses! Moses! Finally!

Going low. I know. When we go high, he goes low. All those years of watching the Antiques Roadshow finally paid off. Do I win this guy?

Do I get him? You get this guy? You win this guy. You win his guy. You're good friends. You win your own. You got one more piece of information? Okay, cool.

Can you even plead naivete? Is that an option in the US courts? I'm a simple man. I just own a $4 billion business in America. Cut to a dude fucking a car being like, naivete, your honor. Oh, I can say that? Thank you, dude. That was awesome.

Thank you to all you guys for coming out. We have some merch, and we're going to take pictures. Come over. Say hi to us. He's Dan Van Kirk. We're the Scar Brothers. Thank you for coming to talk. Oh, shit.

We've got to get back to work. Kirk, we're the Sklar brothers. Thank you for coming to Dope. Oh shit, we gotta get back to work. It's a good show.