Dumb People Town - Brian Simpson - Fried Snake

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

This week Brian Simpson comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story takes place in a Waffle House. The second story is a terrible, terrible date. The final story is about a surprise extra from KFC.Secure your online data TODAY by visiting ExpressVPN.com/dpt and you can get an extra three months FREE when you choose your plan. Listen to Life is Short with Justin Long on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or you can listen ad-free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app.Go to Shopify.com/dpt, ALL LOWERCASE, for a FREE fourteen-day trial and get full access to Shopify’s entire suite of features.Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to UPSTART.com/DPT.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Simpson. Brian Simpson. Welcome to the show, my man. It is so great to have you on and discuss the dumb behavior of dumb people in this crazy dumb world of ours. Oh yeah, I'm down.

That's my favorite thing to do. Right? You got a new special out. We're going to talk about that. Congratulations on that. Netflix special. It's fantastic. We'll get to that later.

But first, we got to dig into the dumb. It's what we do. We jump into it right away on this show. We don't mess around. We literally do not mess around. Dan gets unbelievable stories sent to him by our fans, and we all have a chance to dig in and have fun with it. Daniel, how are you, sir? I'm great, my friends. I'm great. Yeah, dude, your episode of the stand-ups is so good. Congrats on that. Brian, there'll probably be time for me to do this, but I don't want to forget to say it. Your bit about cops should have to go through a haunted house of black people from the front porch to the grill is and then the fireman part with the ax is perfect. It's perfect. Perfect comedy.

So love it. All right, here we go. This was sent in by official executive producer at Liz Haggerty. I think you guys made Liz. We made her an official executive. Some of our fans, Brian, send in stories all the time. So much that we are... We got to make them producers on the damn show. Got to credit them. Yeah. Got to credit them. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Credit them. Yeah. Here we go. Fingerguns... Does it come with money? No. No.

No. No. It's just like podcasting. It's just like podcasting. It's just like podcasting. Finger guns bandit catches a big break. Prosecutors have dropped a felony charge against a Florida man who allegedly walked into a waffle house with his dog and brandished finger guns, announcing this was a robbery that netted him a handful of napkins. So they just did this right walks in shooter mcgavin style to a waffle house and you got to think at a waffle house

do you even have to rob a waffle house don't you think you could literally be like hey i need some of that money they'd be like fine whatever i'm not going through this it's a freaking waffle house yes brian have you been to a waffle house? I have once. How was the experience? Actually, I went twice. Ooh. You know what? It was just like you ever go somewhere and you go,

you know what? I would come here if I was drunk. Oh, 100%. This is a good place to be drunk. All of that is $6? Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

It's just all variations on hash browns, it's six bucks let's do it hang on essentially what brian just said is i'll come here when my uh judgment is impaired yes right right the the back in august i went to a waffle house i think it was my third or fourth one. When I walked in, the waitress goes, you're sitting there. No greeting, no how many in your party. She's your aunt and you show up late for Thanksgiving dinner. You're sitting there. I did what I was told.

I'm not going to get stabbed by a waffle waitress. Edward Rodriguez was arrested in mid-October following the bizarre incident at a Waffle House near his home in Madison, a city 55 miles east of Tallahassee. Cops say that Rodriguez walked into the restaurant

around 8 p.m., said, get on the ground, y'all are getting robbed. He then added, I'm high and drunk, I need napkins. All right, well, wait a minute. Flip those. You really want to flip those two statements because they won't take the second one as seriously if you say the first one you see what i'm saying like do you guys am i making sense everybody's looking at me like i'm fucking crazy i mean you say i put the need napkins before i'm high and drunk no say i'm

high and drunk i need napkins i need napkins drunk. I need napkins. I need napkins. And y'all are in a robbery because that you've already stated what you're, that you're not taking their money. No, you're not going to take anyone's life. This isn't real. You got finger guns out. Now they know they're talking to a high and drunk person. But I feel like if we're running through this guy's timeline, I feel like he made a whole bunch of mistakes before he got to the napkin

spot. For sure. He didn't get anybody to sit his dog, and whatever decision he's already made, he only needs napkins. Who's like, hey, let me run into the Waffle House really quick. I'm going to go get us some napkins.

I just love the idea of him getting home from prison and going to this house and going to reach up to get some cereal or something, and then the fresh roll of paper towel just falls from behind the cereal box. He just had them all. I didn't need it. I also love the world that we live in

where you need a comfort animal to come with you to rob some place now. Now we're at the point where he's here so I feel more comfortable taking out the finger guns or i also love that in a waffle house no one bats an eye than an animals in there yeah they're just like it's not gonna make it any less sanitary no we're in a waffle house one time i got in a waffle house asked if i could if anybody had a like a charging bank for the phone i tell this story before and so i I was like, actually, I do, man.

So I gave it to him. And then he sat down at the booth behind me and called multiple people, giving them all death threats. And then Andrew Youngblood, who was with me, was like, are you happy with what you did here? You've helped this guy threaten people's lives. And I was like, I just thought he needed his battery to charge. Yeah, and you gave this guy enough juice to threaten people. That's what you did.

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Okay, so he walks in. He says, well, you're this guy enough juice to threaten people. That's what you did. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Okay, so he walks in. He says, you all are getting robbed. Get on the ground. I'm high and drunk and I need napkins. A Waffle House manager told police that Rodriguez, who was accompanied by a small dog, did not brandish a weapon, but instead raised both hands and had his fingers in the shape of a gun. According to a arrest report, a distraught waitress, she must be new at a Waffle House

because all the ones I've met would have been like, shut up. Here, take your napkins. Get out of here. Dan, I think if at most Waffle Houses,

if someone came in with a dog, pointed finger guns, said I'm in a robbery, you're in a robbery, I need napkins, I believe that most Waffle Houses

would be like, are you also looking for a job because we could use someone on the line get back on can you make hash browns yeah and we'll pay you nine napkins an hour nine an hour that's all more than minimum napkin wage that's all you said you need uh a distraught waitress whose hands shook when she interviewed by deputies said that the would-be robber was pointing his fingers in the shape of a gun i look i don't want a victim shame at all but this is not you shouldn't be this worked up over a drunk high guy with a dog and his hand in the shape of a gun

that's not right am i great am i mean what's there you're oh damn right it's terrifying about that okay the dog okay small he said they said small dog so we talk about like a jack russell terrier i mean it's not a pit bull it's not small the dog more likely to bite small dog more likely to bite let's also just be honest that's true that's true uh after rodriguez uh was given some napkins he drove away i will say this the dog had two of his paws in the shape of an ar-15 fair enough fair enough uh rodriguez was given some napkins he drove away from the waffles was really hoping he had walked police subsequently identified rodriguez as a suspect and questioned him at his residence he reportedly admitted to being at the waffle house to get some napkins

and stating he was going to rob the place however he claimed that the people must to being at the Waffle House to get some napkins and stating he was going to rob the place. However, he claimed that the people must have taken it the wrong way. I would say they took it too far the right way. Yeah. Like they were, they completely went with what you were saying. Rodriguez wearing a SpongeBob SquarePants t-shirt was booked into the county jail for unarmed robbery, a felony, simple assault. He was bonded out of custody, posting a $10,000 bond.

A subsequent review of the case by prosecutors resulted in a robbery and assault charges being jettisoned in favor of a disorderly conduct wrapped. So he's happy they pled that down, which, thank God. Let me ask you this. Are you more scared by someone

in a SpongeBob SquarePants shirt who comes in to try and take you? Do you know what I'm saying? Is that scarier? You feel like you're getting a wild card, don't you think? Like we don't know what he's doing. No, not at all. Are there scarier things he could have been doing with his fingers? A hundred percent.

Thank you. Maybe a fist even. thank you maybe a fist even um he he already has other uh convictions on other things so maybe not the best guy in the world but his bond conditions requires him to stay away from a waffle house he's also barred from uh drinking or owning any sort of alcohol or a firearm finger guns were not addressed in the in the judicial order i mean he's banned from every wall of the house but not all the other restaurants exactly he's like he's got a golden corral right you want to go you want to go wave a shoe at an old country buffet you're good man you're good that's story number one my friends oh my i love it i love it story number one fast and furious like again if you are now if you are one of those people who was asked to lay down and get down on the ground, do you tell people of this robbery?

Do you say I was in a robbery this morning or do you say a crazy guy walked into Waffle House while I was there? Yes. What do you tell people? The second. You were not robbed. They they wanted napkins he's just an idiot can you embellish this though brian i mean how do we do this if you're telling people you know i mean first of all i first of all i would tweet i would tweet about it immediately yes of course i would tweet a video of myself crying. That I filmed myself. Yes. Agreed. And I mean to be like,

you know, I've heard of Waffle House as being dangerous at three o'clock in the morning but in the middle of the day, I'm devastated. I'm shocked. I'm offended. I'm racismed.

Racismed. Thank you. And like you said, we'll be back here when I'm racism. And like you said, I will be back here when I'm drunk. When I'm drunk, I will return. I will be back here when I'm drunk. I'll take my $2.50 chicken fried steak from up the street, please.

I'll pay the extra $12. How are they so cheap there? I don't, because you say to yourself, food does cost money everywhere. It costs money. Maybe they get it from other restaurants before they just drive around. They're like, you guys throwing that out?

We'll take that. We'll take those potatoes. There was a restaurant in LA doing that. It wasn't trash. Yeah, they weren't. They were buying Popeye's chicken and serving it at their own restaurant. I think we did that story. That was a few years ago, right?

That's right. I remember that. By the way, Popeye's chicken, not bad. Not bad. Phenomenal. You could have worse chicken. Have you done the fried chicken sandwich challenge? We did it. No. We did it. No, no.

We did a blind taste test, Brian. We had Kentucky Fried Chicken, Popeyes, Chick-fil-A, and McDonald's. We had all four sandwiches, and we didn't know what it was. We should have put Shake Shack in there. We should have. But I mean. Wait a minute. Were y'all wearing blindfolds?

No, we just didn't know where they came from. But you can tell when looking at them. I mean, a little, yes. The saddest bun of all was McDonald's bun. The thinnest. Is this even bread? That was McDonald's. The friendliest one was Chick-fil-A.

That's right. The friendliest one, and also it was really anti-gay. The most homophobic one was Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A, That's right. The friendliest one. And also, it was really anti-gay, which was weird. Most homophobic one was Chick-fil-A. Anti-gay. But for us, Jay and I both, the best one for us was Kentucky Fried Chicken.

KFC was the best one. I don't... But you know why, man? KFC and Popeye's are in this war. KFC is the most shameless of all. They will do almost anything.

Like, one time, so y'all may not remember this, but Popeye's one time tried blueberry chicken fingers. What? It was like blueberry cake battered chicken no oh my oh yeah remember when remember when kfc was like now the chicken is the bun yeah yeah double down the double double

down man that was lights out that was like there are no rules anymore that was the beginning of the purge yeah they started they dropped the nuke they started the war with the nuke but the blueberry blueberry battered chicken fingers is like when a comedian a friend of yours who goes on stage really high and you're like i don't know where he's going with this but he's literally he may bring it around it might be brilliant he may bring it around but i don't know. He may bring it around, but I don't know. Yeah. Well, you know what I figured is like they're owned by a company called Yum. Yeah. That owns a whole bunch of different chains. That's right.

And I think they had a failed donut shop or something. Like, what are we going to do with all this fucking blue? Batter. Make it into batter and put it on the chicken. Yeah. And I don't know what they call it. It's probably like rockin' lockin' blueberry rockin' something.

Yes. To be honest, I'd try it. I'd try it. I would try it. Of course I would try it. I would definitely try it. All right, that's story number one down in the books. We come back.

We're going to talk about Brian's new special. So excited. You can find out what we're doing. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound sound there's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to the show uh daniel van kirk please go to daniel van kirk.com so you can see his dates he's going to the pacific northwest uh he hasn't been on the road for a while please

go see him you will think we're starting back up guys yeah and then i think we't been on the road for a while. Please go see him. You will think... We're starting back up, guys. Yeah, and then I think we'll be on the East Coast and eventually all over. Everything's at danielvankirk.com. Go do that. We are going to be... I don't know when this is... In Cleveland, March 18th, 19th, we're going to be at Moon Tower in April at the Moon Tower

Kind Festival, doing a live Dumb People Town there. So if you're in Austin, Texas, we'll be there. It'll be fun. And then we're in Seattle the next week, which will be great will be great too and we got our patreon where we're doing a new episode of cheap seats and we're working on our new show for the ufc fight past called nosebleeds which is a reboot very excited about all that stuff uh brian your special we love it man congratulations i i hope it's doing wonderful things for you. I'm sure it is. But tell people about that. It's yours in the stand-up special. And it's just fantastic. How was that experience, first of all, of doing it? Well, first of all, it's on Netflix, season three of the stand-ups.

I'm the first episode. Man, it was awesome. It was life-changing. Because that was my first, that's the first big thing that's happened in my career. Or the biggest thing yeah yeah it was it was life-changing man i i tears were shed yes reunions were had of course graffiti was thrown yeah where did you guys where did you guys shoot those in was it atlanta we shot them in manhattan oh in manhattan oh hell yeah great that's where we shot our first sapphire special you were great edison and ballroom nice so good and for people who you know maybe don't know you said this the first big thing you've done i think it's going to introduce a lot of people to your style so good so funny so calm so thought yeah jay and i always like look at who

how the person is behaving if they're like have the calmness of a serial killer, I'm like they're having fun. He's having fun. He's having fun. And also the jokes and the writing is the star. And obviously we were drawn to the writing. So kudos, man. If you guys haven't seen it, check it out. You know what's funny is I always get credit for being so so calm but that's just because i'm always so tired i don't have the energy to be more than that that's right hey man it comes off

as extreme confidence and it puts it puts everyone at ease i'm like pleasurable it's really fun it was a great great isn't that don't you realize don't you think that and dan too that like that's what the audience just wants to know you get out on stage and the audience just wants to know he's got it or she's got it they got it you know the example i use is it's almost like it's like good comedy there's a little bit of leadership in there right because everyone has to be comfortable with you being in charge of all the imaginations in the room yeah that's right and so it's like it's an example i always use is like um imagine you're on a flight and you and your pilot and you hit some turbulence and and your pilot when your pilot comes on and they go everything's fine you just go back to what you were doing right that's right for

a split second the pilot was like uh like over was like uh you you immediately for the rest of the flight you're like i don't trust this mother yeah no no what was he unsure about right dude it's that you could switch it out you could switch it out with actual things comics say on stage when they're unsure like if the pilot got there was like um what do i want to say next uh yeah what uh what else what What can I talk about here? What do I want to fly about? Everyone check that out. How can people follow you? Do you have any dates coming up?

Check me out. I'm BS Comedian on Instagram and Twitter. Click on my daggone what do they call it? My link tree. Link tree. Click on my link tree. All my tour dates is in there.

Or go to bryantsimpsoncomedy.com. They're all there. I'm coming everywhere. I'm going to be in Irvine, Ontario, Wisconsin, Florida, New York. Good, man. Lots of places. Just take off with this thing. Yes.

Because I think people are going to, if they haven't already, if you haven't checked out already, you're going to love it. You're going to love this dude and then go see him live when he comes. Yeah, 97% of you are going to love it. Yeah, and 3% of you are going to hate it.

You don't want 100%. You never want 100%. Well, there's a very specific kind of white dude that hears me talk about race immediately and they're done. And they go out of their way to let you know. Oh, yeah.

It's my favorite part of the day. That's right. Then you're like, yep, I'm doing something right. I'm doing it right. I pissed that guy off. I'm doing something right. You just write back, well, I guess you would know, man. I guess you would know. Thank you. All right, Daniel, why don't we jump into the second story? Sure. Ready? This was sent in by

La Asesina MMA at La Asesina MMA. Thank you so much for sending this in. Man orders tacos on first date, asks woman to pay for them. That is our headline. I don't know know this story seems so familiar to me i look back at i have saved documents of every episode of sclarborough

county and i couldn't find it it feels so familiar uh but either way the four of us have never talked about it what's that did i do that yeah maybe you did that in your life and it feels something i mean when someone when someone makes or buys you tacos, is there any other better love language than that, really? That's right. It means I love you. What I don't get is, like, what did he do wrong here? Right.

We'll get into it. He asked you. I mean, I would never do that. Right. But he asked you. It's not like he ghosted you. Like, he ordered the tacos, ate them, and then left. Sure.

He was like, hey, you mind chipping in? Right. I'll get you next time. That lets her know there will be a next time. There you go. Also, it's like, I don't know, I don't like this trend of people complaining about their struggle dates.

Yes. That was their best. You don't know what's happening in that man's life. Sure. When you don't have money for two tacos, he probably spent most of his money taking you on a date. That's right. Well, here, we'll find out.

Yeah. Here we go. I told you to order the lobster at the movie theater. It's one of my favorite things to get at the movie theater too yes it's crack i'll put that bib on and i'm ready to ride all right it says the lobster biscuit amc is out of this world uh first dates can be awkward but a woman on tiktok shared a unique horror story that has since gone viral it seems the man she met on the dating app really liked taco bell tacos elise myers shared her story on tiktok in response to a question about her worst first date experience she starts off by explaining that before meeting her husband she had used dating apps to meet people okay fine as one does the story begins with this particular man inviting

her out to dinner they plan to meet first at his place when meyers arrived her date said he'd lost his keys and asked her to drive he gave her directions to where they were going and they ended up at a taco bell in the drive-through lane this is either the best first date so far or the worst it all depends depends on your person. That's why. There's a pot for every lid. This guy is really inventive. He's taking me through an adventure here in a really cool way.

What an understatement. This guy is innovative. Innovative. Innovative. Problem solver. I would add... A visionary. A visionary, yes. You know. Icon.

It then gets more innovative. You can't surprise somebody with Taco Bell. That's never the pot of gold waiting at the end of it. He gave her directions and they ended up there. The way it works, Taco Bell surprises you. You don't surprise people with Taco Bell. Usually after you eat it. That might be the restaurant equivalent of sending a dick pic.

Who asked for this? Right. Who do you think is happy about it? Also, I love, Jay, that you were touching on. He didn't put Taco Bell under the GPS. He was doing a lot of, you're going to want to go up here to this light, take a left. We go about two blocks down. That's a nice restaurant.

That's a nice restaurant right there. That's a good restaurant, too, but we're going to keep going. But also, I don't know about a first date driving someone in my car that's how you get murdered sure right and they give you turn by turn directions right the gps that's it 100 show me tell me where we're going what's the where are we going just tell me the place where you're gonna leave my body so i know how to get there i know right because there's there's only got there's got to be there's only one more way to make that dangerous if he's like if he's driving her car yes that's even weirder i'm locked out of my car let me just drive yours you know no no no that's too much

control they then get in the drive-thru line at taco bell movies movies have fucked me up like let me ask you guys something how many if you if you ever in an Uber or car service or anything like that, how many exits does the driver have to miss before you make a change? Yeah, you think you're gonna die. Two, two, two. This is two and you're like, okay, this is not going the right, he's purposely going too far. Especially after I pointed out, excuse me, Now he's purposely going too far. Especially after I pointed out... Oh, no. Now we got a fight.

Now I'm grabbing the wheel. Full on, get me the fuck out of here. Or can I roll out of this car? Or can I ladybird my ass out of this car? I will be honest with you. If at the third, fourth, fifth, whatever exit they do get off at,

if they get off and do not immediately turn back towards the direction we need to be going, I will get out of the car. I'm telling you guys this. As comics, we will know each other for the rest of our lives in this industry we're in. You have known this. Once they get off on exit 17, we're supposed to get on 11, and they go west and we should have gone back south.

I am out of the car. I don't care. I'm out. Wait a minute. Wouldn't west be... I'm just saying if we're going north and we missed our exit and so once we get off, we need to go back south to get back to the way we went. If they go east or west,

we're not turning back the direction we need to go. I'm out. I will jump out of the car and I will fight this motherfucker with a sprained ankle. I do not care. Or a broken arm. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm at the point where I will just be like, hey, stop, motherfucker.

Sure. Let me give you, let me turn back the direction until we get to Taco Bell. You get to Taco Bell and then you're going to pay for it. Yeah. Okay, here we go. They get to the taco bell drive-thru i'm gonna ask you according to her how many tacos did this guy order when they when they got into the drive-thru at taco bell brian you are a guest you go first you can go tig spot which is second you can go third it's up to you where do you want to go in this guessing game i'll go first okay okay um i'm gonna say he ordered seven tacos four crunchy three sauce i love it wow dude you got specific i love it so you talk about drunk food in the waffle house for

us when we were younger that taco bell was the drunk food of choice and i remember being drunk at the moon tower comedy Festival when we went to a venue and they gave out the Dorito shelled tacos. And I was like, I could eat a hundred of these. I could eat a hundred of these right now. If you were to just line them up, I'd keep eating them and then I'd shit them out 20 minutes later.

But it was, I say, seven is a good, I bet he ordered nine tacos. I say ten. Ten tacos. Ten say 10. 10. 10 tacos. 10. 10.

He prices right at you, man. Okay. It's all right. I'm going to say 10.1. 10 and a little meat from another. All right. He then ordered 100 hard shell tacos. What?

Yes. Is he catering a party? Yes.anera what is he doing how many would you guys eat in college 20 10 each okay okay okay i mean that's a lot there may have been a time where i would have eaten 100 100 100 yeah you're talking that's three bites at least a piece you're talking 300 bites of tacos. It's amazing. But the way I eat the Taco Bell taco, I'm only eating the part with the meat in it. Oh, once you get, yeah, same. I hold the shell, I eat the meat, and I don't even eat it like a normal person.

Do you go sauce? I go fire sauce. I'll go fire sauce with mine. Okay. Moments later, the man told his date he couldn't find his wallet. moments later the man told his date he couldn't find his wallet meyer says she agreed to pay and they returned to his house only to eat the tacos in his kitchen at the table in silence so now this is i mean she went home with him so if by his standards this date's going fucking perfect oh man this lady's self-esteem must be in the toilet

through the floor through the floor like at this point lots of red flags all throughout right brian and listen from um um from a child who grew up with very little attention paid sure so i was i was basically raised by judge judy when somebody is telling you something that don't make sense they fucking lied to you that's it or they don't know what they're talking about it's one or the other sure in this in this lady listen how this motherfucker lose his keys just his car key nothing to the house right he lost just the car key and he just so happened to also lose his wallet. Now, listen, I'm a forgetful motherfucker. I'm a stoner. Yeah.

But I've never lost my keys and my wallet in the same situation. No, it doesn't add up. My car keys are on my house keys. So how is he getting back into his house? How? How? Well, you're going to find out. You're going to find out. How do you lose your car key and your wallet?

Well, you're going to find out how he got in because the man's father walked into the kitchen and briefly joined them eating tacos before Myers decided the date was over and she took the remaining tacos with her.

Remaining 40? I don't know. How many did this dude in the dad house? The dad comes in and starts eating tacos and then remaining 40 I don't know how many did this dude in the dad house the dad comes in and starts eating tacos and then she's like that's it that's it I'm out I'm not here for this this is not a date anymore no

I should never meet anyone in your family on our first date this is like a social services visit that's what this is this is like man I don't. That's what this is. Yeah. This is like, man, I don't want to meet nobody in your family until we've been together for at

least six months. To a year. And have one pregnancy scare. Sure. Then we'll talk about Christmas. Then we'll talk about Christmas at your aunt's. Then we'll talk about Christmas. The video uploaded earlier this week, at least it was when this came out, has been viewed over 12.3 million times.

In a follow-up video, Myers confirmed that she did buy the 100 tacos. She says it took about 15 minutes for the workers to make the food. And about how much money do you think it costs for 100 tacos? By the way, I still brian to write a dating book called we'll talk about christmas i think a hundred tacos that's probably 150 bucks okay jason no i'm gonna say like 240 what a hundred tacos some tacos are like 59 cents a taco they aren't yeah they are man oh the ones, what they used to be. I don't know.

I'm going to say $86. Okay. She said it cost $150. Exactly right for Brian. Way to go. Right on it, baby. Right on it. Final sentence, which I love, and it's so perfect for this whole date.

She said while they waited for the order that was about 15 minutes he spent the entire time talking about his ex-girlfriend that might be the worst part of the date that might be the worst part of the date now this story feels like it's being made up because i was with you there but it was like, now this seems like he's doing some kind of art piece. Sure. No, he's in his own version of Boiling Points on MTV. That's what this is. Like, how far can I go?

How can the date be bad in every conceivable way? Did he smell bad too? Yeah. That's next. I mean, it's TikTok. it could be made after 100 tacos nobody can smell good after eating 100 tacos that's just that's true that's true you know so you know so crazy is i've never i've never seen a woman this desperate for dick

but somebody didn't have money already. But also, not enough, too, because once the dad came in and started eating the tacos she bought for her and her special date, she was out. She was out. She's like white people in every horror movie. Like, every sign, they're like,

you gotta get out of there. You gotta go further in there. You gotta get out of there. And he just keeps walking in the house, and you're like, God damn it. No. I bet you there were signs before that. His Tinder profile was probably just an eagle.

Or an egg. An egg. Yeah. Or just holding a fish. Yeah. Where is this? And everything's blown up. That's it, Fred.

That's story two. That's story two. Dan, give story two. That's story two. Dan, give us a little teaser about story three. Well, we already talked about this place.

We're going to go back. It's going to get weird. It's a KFC story. I love it. So we got a KFC story on the other side of this and then for our Patreon fans, we're going to talk to Brian

about a little story of sometime where he witnessed dumb or dumb happened to him or he did something dumb. We'll do that on the other side of the break. It's Dumb People Town and we'll see you stick around make us down for more dumb

all right daniel take us home ready yep sent in by linda hartman at lkhtmn thanks girl now look there this thing's supposed to be about something disgusting from KFC. I personally do not find it disgusting, and I'm very interested to hear what the three of you think about this. Diner disgusted after finding full chicken head in her box of KFC wings. Full chicken head. Guys, full on. A shocking photo showed the head complete with eyes

and a beak encrusted in the crunchy batter straight out of the fryer. Does that taste good? Is that bad? First of all, it might taste great. Probably doesn't. Secondly, this is the thing with Americans. You ordered a dead animal to eat

and you get upset when they show they show you hey it had a head like we just like to like act like everything there wasn't a price to be paid this is what randy i know from watching the show alone you see the sacrifice that goes into whatever you need in your life and this person wants to act like that's super disgusting does it look gross guys you you fucking batter anything that's a head let alone a chicken and fry it looks disgusting and delicious at the same time disgustingly delicious yes yes but i don't think it's that crazy do you think that's that crazy brian that's well it's i can understand being caught off guard 100 and i'm definitely not gonna eat the head no but like you

said it's at least a chicken part yes it's not like something if anything should be in there that you weren't counting on seeing it should be another part of the chicken that's right 100 if it was a mouse yeah a mouse or like a baby's finger. I don't want to see that. Or like a fried man's dick. That's not something I want to see. Or just a different bird's head. Different for a pigeon?

A bald eagle. Also, guys, we're all part of the Hollywood elite. We know these conspiracy theories are true. I want to be honest with everybody. A baby's finger tastes delicious so gorgeous it does taste very good all right q anon is right about that but i agree you would be brian's right you'd be taking them back but at the same time you'd be like all right just give me another thing of mcnuggets or whatever give me another thing

if you really examine what you're doing, I mean, you're taking one animal and dismembering it and frying it in the fat of another animal. Right. That's right. Right. So it's already gross. Dan, whenever you eat wings and you're eating wings, there's a moment where you're like, I'm a goddamn animal. Yes. I am ripping the flesh of another animal off of them.

My hands are covered in flesh pieces and sauce. Ribs are the same thing. When I eat a rack of ribs, I'm like, I'm ripping the meat off of this thing. Right. I'm Fred Flint. So when I eat a rack of ribs, I picture myself as Fred Flint. That's it. Same.

That's it. We're back in the days of yore. After ordering from KFC in Feltham in Twickerham, so we're back in the days of yore after ordering from kfc in felt them in twickerham so we're over in the uk a woman named gabriel left a two-star just eat review i love that she got a fried chicken head and she's like i can't give one i gotta give two stars right they tried they came from the box they tried service was outstanding it did come to me quickly and with a smile she said i found a fried chicken head in my hot wings meal. Put me off the rest of the meal.

Ugh. And I'm like, did it? Brian made a perfect point. Part of the animal that you ordered is in there. It's not as though there was a part of a snake, which also would probably taste good. By the way, fried snake. You could fry anything. Fried snake would taste good.

Well, on the photo posted on her Instagram instagram account people were quick to express their horror one user said i really wish i could go back in time by two minutes when i hadn't seen this you looked at the picture too long another person goes like some user made it about that made about him right of course another person says why does it take what does it take to get one star great great follow-up question i would say fried mouse. That's fair. Another person said, and I agree, hey, at least you know what they're serving is real.

Others claimed that seeing the animal's head gave a better awareness of what people are eating. Fried chicken head is still fried chicken in all fairness. Totally true. It is. It's not the worst thing to find in your chicken mouth. 100%. If you eat meat, there's nothing to complain about.

You're just faced with the reality of what you're eating for once, wrote another person. If you can't handle that, your food is a dead animal, then you shouldn't be eating meat. I I'm on board with all this. All these are great. And all these are things like the chicken head.

This woman probably didn't expect to hear when people commenting back. Let me imagine you order like a nice steak and it comes out and there's accidentally like a hoof underneath it. Sure. It'd be terrible. It's part of the cow. You're right. Sorry.

A tail. Sorry. We got busy back there in the kitchen, man. Sorry. You just take whatever comes to us. KFC said on Twitter that they were baffled as to how the whole head had snuck in and joked that it was the most generous two-star

review ever. Love that they have comedy over there at KFC. I love that they're doing comedy. They're like Southwest Airlines post-9-11. They're like, we can still do jokes on the plane. They're like, no, you cannot. That was the one thing I hope the terrorists would have gotten rid of, which was Southwest Airlines

comedy. They also told The Sun online, we were genuinely surprised by this photo. Since Gabriel got in touch, we've been working on looking into how it happened. Put simply, we serve real chicken, and we're proud of that. But this has clearly slipped through the strict processes

and checks in place with our suppliers, partners, and teams who freshly prepare everything in our restaurants. Let's not go settle down, KFC. You're not. What do they do with their heads normally? That's right. It must be at whatever factory they're at when they are,

after they've killed and disembodied these steroid chickens. Throw it into a trash can. This guy left it in or something. Yeah, I think it probably went through like six people seeing it at least, right? Even all the way to the person who put everything in the fryer once they took it out of the freezer at the actual restaurant. That shows you how little people are paying attention and how much they're on autopilot. Oh, yeah, for sure.

It's like that onion headline. Do you guys remember the one that said every person in every step involved with ordering your pizza completely high? Like whoever. Oh, dude. Oh oh my god this is this is they use the chicken heads which account for two percent of the weight of all the chickens and they feed them to other animals yes oh it gets picked yeah it gets picked back into feed that i mean, they're not wasting anything. Isn't that how we got Mad Cow? Yeah, it is how, actually, I think. It is. Dude, don't doubt Yum Brands, man. They know what they're doing.

They know what they're doing. You know what, man? They will use, and they'll probably try to pay her with more KFC. That's right. That's right. Hey, you want some KFC bucks? KFC for life? Oh, you ready?

They're discussing right now. They're like, oh, well, for life's a little strong. Let's give her three years. They're literally doubling down on her. There it is. They're like, let's see, how much KFC do you eat? Well, your life isn't going to be that long. Give it to her for life.

Give it to her for life. They said it's true that even the best laid plans can go on rare occasions go awry. I apologize. And this is an incredibly rare one. That said... Dan, can I just say, can we stop using the word awry, please? Awry. I agree. It sucks to read. It sucks to say.

I agree. It looks like I'll read... 100%. I'll re-rack it. The best laid plans on a rare occasion can even go wrong. And this is an incredibly rare one. That said, Brian Simpson, you called this. It doesn't change Gabriel's experience.

So we reached out to her and she's accepted some free KFC on us. You are 100% right. Some free KFC. I got news for you, Brian. Some isn't enough. Some isn't't enough i don't care how much i would i wouldn't offer her anything i would be like you ordered fried chicken we gave you fried chicken it's on us that we gave away something we needed to feed other animals yeah uh they added that she and her family had also been invited into the restaurant to see how

the preparation was done and be rest assured that no more chicken heads were turning up in her hot wings also just so you know lady who loves this you don't want to go into the back and see how they're making your fried chicken if it bothered you that there's a head associated at any point in the process you don't want to see gizzards being taken out which also i don't want to see the shoes of the guy who's doing it nope i don't want to see the shoes of the guy who's doing it. Nope. I don't want to look at his lower pants and shoes. That's true of every single restaurant. 100%. I want to be able to see the kitchen, but I don't want to go in the kitchen. I don't want to see the floor.

You don't want to see your lobster bisque come out of a bag. You don't want to see that. No. No. That's a story, my friends. All right no no no no uh that's a story my friends all right there you go that's the show brian simpson's got a special uh it's on netflix as part of season three of the stand-up episode one episode one you want to check it out and then go follow this guy go watch him when he goes see him live when he comes to your town he's coming to your town go check him out go see him live brian thanks so much for joining the show man

you're the best thanks Thanks for having me. Love it. All right, no shit. We've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your downies. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your downies. Dumb People Town.

Star Bands Audio. A podcast network.