Dumb People Town - Chad Daniels - Rum People Town

Episode Date: January 21, 2020

Chad Daniels joins Daniel, Jason and Randy in town to hear a two parter first story with two different people scratch cars for different reasons. In story 2, a woman is unhappy when her boyfriend won���t celebrate her new job with her. In story 3, a man poses for an artists but doesn’t pay. 

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Daniels Population Daniels. Chad Daniels.

Van Kirk. Back in the seat. Chad Daniels Van Kirk. Chad Daniels Van Kirk. Dude, we love seeing you. We love when you're here and you're a friend of the show. We always try and gobble you up

and grab you on the show. I love being here. You are one of our favorite stand-ups. I feel like throwback in the day in terms of you built your, you sort of made your name and built your metal on just going around

and making people laugh and loving you. And that's, you did it one brick at a time and I love that. Well, thank you. I bought a lot of staff member shots over the years.

Yeah. So they'd invite me back. Robert Schimmel, the great Robert Schimmel, who, may he rest in peace. We did a weekend with him in Tempe. Tempe. And he was like, I just bring the staff candy.

That's what I do, and bring the staff candy. And I was like, man, that's cool, when I was younger. And then I was like, they want to do shots. They don't want candy. I don't think they want candy. I don't think the staff wants Skittles. And you don't have to do that. You're hilarious. Yeah, exactly.

You do not need that. Well, that's nice. Schimmel, I worked with him in Chicago once. Five years later, I was waiting for my bag at LAX, and he came up and he goes, hey, man, what's up? And he offered to carry my bag out to the car. Oh, my God. For real. His joke about going into the hot tub inside the locker room at any gym.

It's like sitting in a Dick Cappuccino. The layer of whatever's on top. Dick Cappuccino. Chad Daniels, the world's getting dumber, and God damn it, we need you to help us try and figure it out and beat it with comedy. Daniel Van Kirk is here with us. Let's jump into a story right away. Okay, you ready? Yes.

We have a twofer. Our first story is two stories. Oh, I love it. Because something seems to be going. It's like a new trend that I don't like. So it's a story and then a follow-up? You'll see. Sent in by Cindy Sack at Mrs. Sack.

Don't be such a Cindy Sack. Just go with your sister to the party. Cindy Sack. You can tell, even when you don't even, this proves that you do not need to know someone

to know that they are a full name person. That's very true. Who's coming over? Cindy Sack. Brian's coming. Stephanie. Yep, and she's bringing her sister coming over? Cindy Sack. Brian's coming. Stephanie. Yep.

And she's bringing her sister, Karen. And then Cindy Sack. David. And she went through depression. She was a sad sack for a while. And now she's back. Don't be such a Cindy Sack. Cindy Sack is a full name person.

She is? Cindy Sack. Okay. Jeff. A Chinese man was recently sued by an Audi dealership. I thought you guys would appreciate this as parents. In China's southern, I'm going to try Guangxi region, and had to pay a settlement of more than $10,000 after his daughter used a stone

to casually scratch how many luxury cars. Oh, okay. Okay. So this is where I'm sitting in here negotiating the deal while my kids are running around the lot. Yes. And they pick up a rock and they're like, I'm going to draw on this. Chad's daughter is 15?

15, yeah. Okay. So I have a 14-year-old. I know we're in the same range. But think back 10 years, okay? Your daughter's five. You're trying to do something, and you have to bring her. Sure. Because you've got to get it done.

And you're like, just stay close. All you say is stay close. Right. And the guy's like, I need to talk to you. We need to go over your credit rating. And then your daughter, she's gone. Gone. All right.

You okay, honey? Fine. Is she out there? I can't, sir. She's on the other side of that car. Sir, let's gone. All right. You okay, honey? Fine. Is she out there? I can't, sir. She's on the other side of that car. Sir, let's just get this done. I thought I saw her in the other room. She's here in the showroom.

What can happen? I taught her if there was ever a Mercedes-Benz with the emblem sticking out from the hood, you rip it off because that's Beastie Boys. It's true. Big fans of Beastie Boys at the house. Oh, man. So I think she damaged. Well, you get a chance.

You want to go first? You want to go first? How many cars did she scratch? I'm going to say 34. 34 cars. Jay? 12. 12.

12 cars. I think she did 18 cars. 18 cars. All right. Play along, Townies. Why not? That's what we're here for. After his young daughter casually scratched 10 luxury cars.

I was in the ballpark. Nice, Jay. The young girl's father, identified as Mr. Zhao, reportedly accompanied a friend to the dealership, bringing his wife and daughter along. So it's not even his car. No. He's not even there to buy a car. By the way. He's just there to go with his friend, and he brought his wife and daughter.

Chad, you have a lot of friends. Would you ever ask anyone, hey, man, I'm going to get a car. Do you want to come? Do you want to brought his wife and daughter. Chad, you have a lot of friends. Would you ever ask anyone, hey man, I'm going to get a car. Do you want to bring your wife and kid? That's just a real piece of shit move where it's like, look what I can buy. I wouldn't even take my friend grocery shopping

with me, let alone... By the way, buying a car is such a lengthy process. You've got to do the financing. You've got to, I don't know, I don't have any friends that just walk in and say, here's $40,000. I think in China they just come in and they're like, here's a bunch of yen. If I lost my sight, I would just figure shit out. I would not invite a friend.

No, that feels like too much of an ask. Yes. Like, I can't ask this guy to come with me to the car. Oh, you're going to bring your wife and your kid? All right, let's go. A young girl's father, as I said, Mr. Zhao, brought his wife and daughter along. They were looking around at the nice cars and listening to and interacting with the staff, leaving the three-year-old girl to her own devices.

Jay, you're in that range. How little do you have to do that day to have someone say to you, hey, I'm going to go look at some cars. You and the family want to come with me yeah also like to find out one of your daughter's devices is a rock right what a bad beat as a parent that or you're just like at least she wasn't on a phone at least she wasn't on it yeah no screen time yeah man she was uh after understandably becoming bored the little girl allegedly grabbed a stone and proceeded to scratch doodles on the paint of no less than 10 Audi vehicles, including an Audi Q8 valued at nearly $142,000 American dollars. Well, a lot of stuff can get buffed out, but still. You're going to have to pay for that.

$10,000. It is unbelievable that even though so he wasn't there buying the car he's just hanging out you should be watching what do you guys do with a kid if you realize and no one else has that she scratched one of these cars with a rock and you only think it's one because you're let's say you've just seen the ones you get in your car and you drive away. No kidding. I go to a doctor. I pay him under the table. I have him test my daughter and come up with she's an artistic savant.

And then I sell that car for more money than it's worth. Yes! An artistic savant? That's what I do. I love it. Yeah, she's a three-year-old Basquiat. Yeah. So these things are going to be worth something.

Banksy. She's mini Banksy. Create a whole new genre of artwork. You get that Audi? Did that girl scratch it though? Sucks that she didn't. It's a girl scratch Audi, so please be careful with it. It's basically, it's like the Shelby

of Audis. Aftermarket has been made beautiful. I just think it is insane. You can't really yell at a three year old. No, it is your fault for not watching really yell at a three-year-old. No, it is your fault for not watching them closely. It's on you. Especially when you're not the one buying the car.

Right? You don't have to be involved in anything. That's right. Oh, I was getting some donuts. Again, Audi, probably they have like, my kids, we never bought a Lexus ever, but the Lexus dealership in Glendale, California has a popcorn maker.

So my kids, when we were looking to get- Let's go there and drive those things. You test drive while we eat the popcorn. That's what my kids wanted to do. Good on them. Good on them for knowing that, hey, you got it. So I'm assuming this Audi dealership had something. Sure.

But that speaks to the three-year-old destroying something speaks to what is in our inherent nature, which is- We want to break stuff. We want to break stuff. We want to write on stuff. Or create stuff. Or create stuff. He's being positive, Chad. Chad's still trying to sell up.

Chad is being so positive. Well, I can't stop picturing the old Chinese man who's like, back in my day, we didn't even have three-year-old girls. This is what happens. This is what happens. This is what happens when you keep them. That's right. You guys bought it up. You guys bought it for us. The government said to throw them away.

Look what we got now. So, you know this story is going to be. Chad. Come on, man. The Audi dealership. That's a home run. That's a home run, man. The Audi dealership. That's a home run. That's a home run, Chad. Eventually sued Mr. Zhao, initially asking him to pay $28,400 as compensation for the damage caused by the couple's daughter.

They claimed it was only an estimate and that the figure could increase as the damage caused by the scratching was assessed. So Audi's trying to be like, we'll just go with the first estimate here on this. It could go up. We're going to say $28,000, but it's gonna get worse right the decision can you get insurance on a kid like what would cover that could could you get insurance on damage your kid causes i don't know i don't know if there's like an umbrella policy like lloyds of london yeah just a kid that wrecks everything whatever they do The decision to ask for considerable compensation to be paid was allegedly justified by the dealership's inability to sell the damaged cars as brand new once they had been repainted.

So I guess once you have to repaint a car, it's technically not brand new anymore. The second a car drives off a lot, not in a test drive, but drives off the lot, it depreciates. Right. So if anything happens to it and you have to fix it, it depreciates. But here's what I think. I think that there's hail damage all the time in car lots. All the time. Sure.

And they have insurance for that. So shouldn't there be a vandalism? Of course there has to be. Someone tripped and fell. They're just sticking it to this guy. Their insurance is covering this. A spokesperson for the dealership said that by selling the repainted cars as new could open the company to risk of being sued for false advertising and be made to compensate clients three times the price of the car if found guilty. But imagine if now you get to buy, I would buy an Audi Q8 with a goddamn scratch on it.

Sure. Or if it's repainted, will you get a deal because technically it's not brand new. Thank you, I'll take it. That's the thing that's wrong with it? My question here is, what happened the next weekend when he went with his wife and his daughter with his friend to go jet ski shopping?

Go draw somewhere. I love, I picture this family at one of those make your own plate stores. And then the girl won't draw and he's like, now you won't? Now. Now there's nothing, now you won't? Now. Now there's nothing? Give her a rock.

Give her a rock and send her to the parking lot. You'll see she can draw. Because the damaged cars could only be sold at a significant markdown, the dealership claimed that the compensation was justified. Mr. Zhao refused to pay the asked amount, but eventually reached a settlement of how much do you think this guy ended up paying the Audi dealership? They wanted $28,400. They want $28,400 as a low estimate.

Right. No, but that's what they're asking. So a settlement is usually- What do you think? You can go first, second, or third. It's your call. I'm going to go $17,000. $17,000 from Chad Daniels.

I think because insurance covers it, that's double dipping. These guys are awful. I would say $10,000 from Chad Daniels. I think because insurance covers it, that's double dipping. These guys are awful. I would say $10,000. Okay. Yeah, I think $5,000. Okay. One of you is exactly right. Oh!

So now, Chad, you get to play the game of who do you think is exactly right. Do you think it's you, Jason, or Randy? Well, I have to because I picked seven. Okay, so you think it's you. Then I'd be peeling off. I think it's me. I think it's you, Jason, or Randy? Well, I have to because I picked seven. Okay, so you think it's you. Then I'd be peeling off. That's okay. I think it's me. I think it's Jay, too.

Okay. 10,000. Oh. Mr. Zhao refused to pay the ASTMA of $28,400, but eventually reached a settlement of $10,000. Yes! A smart relationship. It seemed round. I knew it.

It was smart. While the situation is regrettable, for the three year old's parents At least it's a toddler we're talking about And not a person Who would do this for different reasons And that is our second story A toddler Here we go

In Singapore This child would be caned for like a week No doubt Everyone would get a shot. Like if Chad Daniels- Isn't that what that kid had? That kid kind of did something like this? Yeah, he-

Put a marker on a car or something like that? Yeah. Or he whipped his ass. Yeah, exactly. Okay, ready? If Chad Daniels was walking by, they'd be like, hey, man, you want to get a couple of canes in? And you'd be like, yeah, sure.

Yeah, of course. I almost crossed the street when I wasn't supposed to in Singapore and did this tight rope deal where you move your hands trying to get yourself back. Because you're like, they are stickless. I was worried the whole time. The stickless for the road. Sent in by Cindy Sack

at Mrs. Sack. She sent both of these in. Sacked up. A man was recently accused of scratching a BMW sedan at a dealership in Jiangxi City. $17,000. Because he's a person.

For a very bizarre reason. He scratched the BMW so that his father would be forced to buy it for him, according to the you break it, you buy it principle. Oh, my God. Lord, I love it. So he did the first half of it without checking about the second half. Dan, was he described as a man? Yes.

And he needs his father to buy it. I bet we play guess the 18th. Okay. He's 28. Dad! It's for my 29th birthday, Dad! You're being so uncool. This is a dumb simple plan

You know like the movie A simple plan where They're like we'll just do this And then we'll do that And then it all goes haywire It's like in like Stand by me So many 80s movies

Where somebody's like And then they'll have to do whatever Exactly And then our names will be in the paper And no one will give a shit That we stayed out all night Trying to find this Bauer Or Bauer kid

So it's always like You do this And then they'll have to find this Bauer or Bauer kid. It's always like, you do this and then they'll have to let us go. This is dumb kid logic in an adult man's head. This is a plan where your buddy goes, you want to talk about this? And they go, nope. I got it. It's like the town.

We're going to go somewhere, we're going to hurt some people, and you can never ask me about it. Whose car are we taking? Whose car are we taking? The suspect identified as somewhere we're going to hurt some people and you can never ask me about it. Whose car are we taking? Whose car are we taking? Let's go. Okay. The suspect, identified as Xi Maobing, I'm trying, everybody, reportedly visited the BMW dealership on November 25th and expressed interest in buying a dark blue sedan. Staff later told police that Xi acted normally and seemed very excited telling one salesman that his father had promised to buy him a nice car as a reward for getting his driver's license.

Oh, that's it should be for something else. And what part of that's not what you get rewarded for. What part of that is acting normally? That's what I want to know. Isn't the driver's license the reward? Right. The fact that you get the privilege to drive yourself places. You don't have to ask people for it.

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse after Xi allegedly called his father to tell him what car he wanted. It's unclear what Xi's father told him during their short phone conversation. No. But dealership staff told police that after hanging up his phone, the man went into a rage, grabbed a pair of car keys, and proceeded to make a long, deep scratch on the back of the sedan he seemed to like so much. I want this one.

Right. Yeah, that's a noise that doesn't leave... If you're in that room and you hear that, that's something that doesn't leave your body for a long time. Last night I was eating... Does this ever happen to you where you like... Bite the fork? Yeah, you bite the fork. Is that really what you were going to say? It's the worst.

I bit a spoon. Oh, I hate it. And I'm like, how am I so dumb that I can't properly use a utensil to put food in my mouth? Also, what are you eating with a spoon that you need to bite? Yes! So we had scooped. We did taco night with Impossible Meat. The shirt tells you that. So we did taco night uh with impossible meat uh so we did and the guy who has to let everybody know it's impossible meat right and we had used up the taco shell so now we were just

scooping out the stuff to like make like the hey i'm just putting rice and then beans on the so i was using doing the wrong thing using the serving spoon to eat my food off my plate because I'm a charlatan. And I put the thing on my mouth and I bit down and it like unwanted – wrongly. Townies everywhere – not everywhere, but a lot of townies like me are just cringing at this. It hurt so badly and that feeling has not left me since last night. No. So the sound of a key going on a car, that will stay with you for years.

I'm shivering at the thought of it. There are people who don't even like metal to come in contact with their teeth. Because you have fillings and stuff. Yeah, some people have that. But yeah, I got Invisalign, so it has reshaped my bite and everything. I haven't seen that.

So dumb. Sometimes I'll bite weirdly Oh god So key across the back, I want this one No, I love this He hangs up, well fine, hangs up How'd it go man, we gonna do this Where you going?

Those aren't the keys No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no You know it was somebody's like First sale or last sale of the day. Honey, I know I'm late, but we're closing this. All you got to do is call his dad. All you got one more. He said he's been a good guy. He got his driver's license.

He just got his license. His dad's going to give it to him. It's unclear what he told him in the short conversation. He went over he grabbed the keys scratched it before anybody could stop them

a showroom salesman called police immediately after G's reckless gesture and officers confirmed reckless gesture by the way

my favorite wham song your favorite what wham song there you go it's the B side of careless it's actually why they broke up though

it was a very reckless I don't know if you knew that that the breakup itself seemed. It was a very reckless. I don't know if you knew that. The breakup itself seemed like it was a crazy thing. What's his name? Andrew Ridgely. Ridgely.

Yes. Yeah. Glad we got there. I needed that. I was one second away from saying George Michael. I knew you weren't. I mean, I knew exactly where Dan was. I knew the date. This is how many shows.

You could have condemned me. George Michael, you fucking idiot. Rest in peace, you asshole. How do you forget George Michael? Andrew Loving, son of a bitch. This is how much I know Dan. Dan is becoming Randy's twin. Your reading is mine. Yeah, reading his mind.

Yeah, reading his mind. He's like, what was his name? And I'm like, you don't even have to ask which one. I was like, Andrew Richard. Elton? All right. Bernie Taupin. All right.

A showroom salesman called police immediately after G's reckless gesture, and the officers confirmed that he was the perpetrator by checking CCTV camera footage or just asking anyone in the showroom. In his defense. What is the defense on that? You can't do the old me Chinese, me play joke. You cannot do that in this case. The spoiled man said that his father had told him he wouldn't buy the BMW sedan for him, so he scratched it so that his parent would have no choice but to pay for it.

That's not a defense that's dumb that tells me that they're giving out driver's license to people who are too young what g failed to factor into the equation capable was his arrest for purposely damaging the dealership's property the case is still under investigation i have no clue why it's and it's unclear whether g's father eventually bought the car to get his son off the hook. I guess if you buy the car, then it is your property. It's your property and they don't

have to carry that damage forward, so then there are no charges. The guy kept yelling at his dad after the police got there. So then it worked! He's like a little kid asking for a gift from his parents. He believed if he damaged the car, his father would buy it for him. Shen Zhenan, a local police officer told pair video what if shen zhenan was like because we he get this came from odditycentral.com you hear all the like u.s cop names it's like

dick butt in our like dave bastard man or like those names what if this guy is like the classic chinese i'm not gonna be able to get this out of my head shan zhenan Dave Basterman, or like those names. What if this guy is like the classic Chinese cop name? I'm not going to be able to get this out of my head. Sean Johnan. Oh, that's okay. Rest of the day. Thank you guys so much. Sean Johnan.

All right, I'm going to ask you guys. We'll get out of this. He's the Sean Johnan. Our double dip on story one. Okay. How old is Xi? So now you have to say how old is it that you get a driver's license in? Because he just got his driver's license.

Some people have said he was a man. He moved to LA from New York and got one in his 30s. He's described as a man, Dan. He's described as a man. Yes, he was described as a man. Chad, what do you think? How old is he? I'm going to go 34.

I'm going to stick with that number throughout this episode. Great. Jason. Walter Payton. I'm going to say 25. 25 years old from Jason Sklar. I think he's 19. 19.

Yeah. I think he maybe didn't get it right away and then was like, I need to get this. All right. This will close out story number one and kind of two. 1A, 1A, 1A. 1A, 1A, 1A. The guy, Xi, who did the same thing a three-year-old did, but with the hopes of getting something out of it, is 22 years old.

Oh. You and me. What'd you say? 25, I said 19. Okay. There we go. getting something out of it is 22 years old. Oh! You and me, what'd you say? I said 25. I said 19. Okay, there we go. First story down in the books. We've etched our names on the first story

of this episode with Chad Daniels. When we come back on the other side, we're going to find out what is going on with the man and let you know

kind of stuff with us. It's Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. know kind of stuff with us it's don't people don't stay with us hey guys welcome back to the show uh it's so good to do this show uh and be back doing it we took a little break for the holidays and now we're back in the groove gonna be back in the groove and i love it uh chad daniels is our guest he has an awesome podcast. If you like this podcast, you will love his podcast.

Tell them about it and where they can find it and what it is so they're down with it. Sure. It's called Middle of Somewhere. My friend Cy Amundsen and I. So funny. Great comedian. Yeah, he's wonderful. And we would always call each other and just let each other know what's going on in our lives.

And we decided to just start recording it. And it's become ridiculous. And like 40 episodes in. It comes out mondays uh at 8 a.m central time so i guess it would be six out here and it's a conversation between you guys about where you are in your life just like just what happened in the week and then we fall back to stories from our past and everything like that but just yeah just just kind of a nice hang out and we have guests on once in a while but And because you guys do the road, both of you guys a bunch, is it like, hey, I was in Boise.

It's not a ton of comedy. It's really just about real life stuff. Have you done it live yet? We have not done it live. You need to do it live. We're waiting. We're waiting for one year to do any of this stuff. We don't have a Patreon.

We don't have ads. We don't have any of that stuff. So let's build it. And people who are listening to this show, check it out. Middle of Somewhere. It's a new podcast. Cy Amundsen and Chad Daniels. Check it out. It sounds awesome. And you're touring around.

People can find you. Yeah, if you go to chaddanieels.com, there's a little tour button. And I'm booked out for the year. So I'm probably coming near you. If you get a chance to see him, one of the most electric comedians. So fantastic.

Such good material. Just stuff works everywhere. Works in the clubbiest of clubs, in the most alternative, alternative rooms. It's just good stuff that, just great. Like I said, he is, in my opinion, a throwback to the Brian Regans of this world. With cursing.

With cursing. Just wanted to make sure. With cursing. But no, no, no. But. And, you know, not the Brian Regans. With cursing. With cursing. Just wanted to make sure. With cursing. But no, no, no. But I mean, it's, yeah, but you're not like a dirty comic. That's true. I don't think you are. So, I mean, I think you.

What was the bit? I was listening to the radio the other day. I heard the bit of yours. I came in midway through the bit about the woman who was wanting people to pray for her because she was going to a tomato, like a harvest? Oh, no, she just, yes. So, you know, everyone was so, they'll write, please pray for me, but there's nothing else to go on.

And so there's, you know, a hundred comments of like, please, we are praying for you. We are praying for you. We hope you feel this. And she's missing for like a week and then she comes back. Tomatoes weren't as red as I'd hoped. And then you said, I hope you get lupus and everyone's prayed out. That, to me, was my favorite part.

It's so damn funny. So pick up his albums, too, when you go to chaddavis.com. We have got a bunch of live Dumb People Towns coming up. We've got three of them in March. We're going to go to Minneapolis at the Cedar Room. We are going to be doing— It's a big room. We need you.

We want to be in St. Louis at Del Mar Hall, which we better freaking sell that out. That's right next to the pageant. And then we're going to be up in Milwaukee at Turner Hall, which is another big room, but we want to fill those spots up. And then in June, that's around the March 19th, 20th, and 21st. It's around the March 19th, 20th, and 21st. And then in June 18th, 19th, and 20th, we are going to be in Vancouver at the Rio Theater, in Seattle at Washington Hall, and then down at the Aladdin Theater down in Portland.

So these are big shows. We want to start doing live Dumb People Town all over this goddamn country. And world. And world. How fun would it be to go all over the world? Australia. But it starts with you guys coming out to the show, How fun would it be to go all over the world? Australia. But it starts with you guys coming out to the show,

so definitely go to, if you go to the Dumb People Town Facebook page, you can pick up your tickets right now. Yeah. And come see us when we are individually performing. Dan's going to be- I'm going to be at Roar Comedy in- Springfield, Mass.

Springfield, Massachusetts. Have you ever done there? I have never. 31st and the 1st. I just found out, I think it's like a part of a casino. I think it's like MGM. Sweet, dude.

So that's great for me. And we're in San Diego right before the weekend before that. We're at American Comedy Company and then a couple weeks later we're going to be in Chicago for one night at North Bar, one of our favorite spots to perform, Jim Webber's place. And then the next two nights we'll be in Cleveland at Hilarity's.

Go to supersquad.com, check it out. Go to DanielVanKirk for all my stuff. And Nate... Who's featuring for us? I don't know, Jay, what happened? Go to superscars.com. Check it out. Go to DanielVanKirk for all my stuff. And Nate. Who's featuring for us? I don't know, Jay. What happened? Now I'm just playing.

Nate Craig. Nate Craig is featuring for us. It's going to be killer shows. You scared me for a second. Sorry. Because I would say Nate Absher. And also at DanielVanKirk.com, you will see that I'm coming to Cap City Comedy March 11th, 12th, 13th, and 14th. Hell yes.

So let's hang out in Austin because I fucking love that town. Okay. Ready? Let's get into the next story. Here we go. Sent in by Sean Anderson, at Sean70. S-H-A-W-N-E. Don't see that spelling very often.

Didn't we do his podcast? Maybe. Sean Anderson? Is it at the Hall of Very Good? Maybe. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe. Twitter.

All right. I don't know. Avondale, Arizona. Okay. But it comes to us, for some some reason from KHOU in Houston. All right. It's an Arizona story from Houston. Police arrested a woman after she allegedly tried to light her boyfriend on fire.

Already love her. Because he would not celebrate with her after she got hired at a Subway restaurant. I got a job! Artist. Artist. You talk about art, Chad. Subway sandwich. My kids love Subway. Why do my kids love it?

They want to go all the freaking time. Chad, have you ever done this where you're with your kid and she does something that she's done away from you and it gives you an insight into them that you didn't know and it surprises you in a way that you're with your kid and she does something that she's done away from you and it gives you an insight into them that you didn't know and it surprises you in a way that you're like, I don't know my kids. Like when I caught her trying to sneak out of the house.

Yeah, I know her. Yeah, okay, okay. No, mine was when I went to Subway with my kids and my youngest daughter ordered. She ordered. I was like, go ahead, you can order. And she's like, I'll have a tuna sandwich on. Already you're like, what are we doing here?

She's like, I'll have a tuna sandwich on wheat bread with spinach and tomatoes. I'm like, number one, who does that? Number two, you've never eaten that combination of food ever in front of me, ever. Like, what? Are you going to kill me in my sleep is what I was answering. Just one Subway order, it like peels back. I'm like, do you have another family that you're a part me in my sleep is what I was answering. Just one Subway order and like peels back. I'm like, do you have another family that you're a part of in this instance? She slipped out.

Great. Slipped out. So she's mad that she didn't want to celebrate. She got a job. We're going to celebrate. And then I'm going to light you on fire because she didn't celebrate. A lot of people getting things and causing problems because of it in this episode. A hundred percent.

This episode's all about it. A lot of the show is about that, too. A lot of it could have gone the other way. Should have, maybe not. A lot of destruction with the hope of a positive result. How did it go, though? How did it go? That's what I'm saying.

That's the thing of like- She's so excited. I got the job. I got the job. I cannot wait to tell him. He's going to be happier than I am. He doesn't even give her a hug. And then she goes straight to, I'm going to set your ass on fire.

Okay, motherfucker. All right. I'm going to light you up. You want that toasted? She treated him like she got a job at Quiznos. I hope just before she struck the match, she just slowly turned her subway visor just to the side. Just a little bit.

She's still wearing it at home. I'm going to need this over here. Plastic gloves on so there are no fingerprints. So they melt to her hands. Those are her new fingerprints. Those are her new hands. No fingerprints. Kathy Jones

now faces charges of aggravated assault and criminal damage. According to a police report, Jones told officers she had... Lighten that brain. High on cocaine. Kathy Jones. Watch your feet. See, I was going, Kathy Jones and me.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Me and Mrs. Jones. There's another great one. You were counting crows there. I was... Because Jones has got to be the most used last name in popular society. Me and Mrs. Jones. That's another great one. You were counting crows there? I was. Because Jones has got to be the most used last name in popular science. Me and Mrs. Jones.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, that's another great one. We got to think. Okay. Kathy Jones. She allegedly told officers, I love this, she had two smearing off ice alcoholic beverages. Yep. I just had two.

And two, quote, strong mixed drinks that contained rum. Okay. First of all, when's the last time any of you drank rum that was not on a beach? Who is drinking rum? You should not drink rum unless you're in Nassau, Bahamas.

I will admit, I did have times early in my 20s where I was like, oh, I'll do a Captain and Coke. But then as I read this when I was picking the story where I was like, I'll do a Captain and Coke. But then as I read this, when I was picking the story, I was like, yeah, when is the last time? Rum it up. Somebody's been like, rum feels like, outside of beach drinks, rum feels like something people drank in the 70s. Hey, Chad, I'm going to run to the bar. What can I grab you? What can I grab you from the bar? Just be a bottle of rum.

Just straight rum. Straight rum. Straight rum. Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum. No ice or anything in it. Neat. Just neat. So we left Minnesota, and it was probably the beginning of march yeah we went down to this island and i'll be god damn if there wasn't a pirate ship down

there so we hop on the pirate ship and they give us finger sandwiches and then this drink made of rum. Rum. Rum is in the whole drink. It was dark rum. It was light rum. And we got toasty. You know what else? That very Midwest thing. This is my, I'll suck my God and my family, a lot of this. And I'm like, you don't think they're doing anything to you. I mean, you're sitting there and you're all, we're drinking them, the sun's out, everything's fine.

And then you go to get up. Oh my God. Damn, you fell sitting there, and you're all, we're drinking them, the sun's out, everything's fine. And then you go to get up. Oh, my God. Damn, you fell down. Are you crying? You're walking funny because you're on the pirate ship. Right, so you don't think. You think you're fine. And then you get on land, and I'll be goddamn if you can walk straight on land.

I'm going to tell you right now, that'll put you on your ass. I loved it so much, I pour it on my hot dish when I crinkle up some of the ruffles on top. Dale, are we still on the pirate ship? You're going to think they're not doing anything to you. They'll sneak up on you. It'll get you. That's a rum drink for you. Nice to be here on Rum People Challenge.

Boom. Yay! Thank you. Midwest people also like to tell you, you could drink that all day. That's all they're going to tell you. No one's trying to, but you could. By the way, if we don't release our own bottle of rum people come on we are doing the islands a disservice i think they should

deliver we should make our own rum people town and we should make our own rumple still skin rumple still skin and if you say Dumpelmint. I thought that's what we were all going to say. If you say the name of the company three times, you get it off. I've been in LA for less than 12 hours, and I'm already all about branding. You have to be. You're an influencer, Chad. Your branding is so targeted,

Chad, I can't believe it. Big time. Okay, so she had two smeared off ice alcoholic beverages. And two strong rums. Do you remember that when icing someone was a thing? Did anyone ever get iced? I did not either. Somebody gives you a smeared off ice and you have to go down on one knee and chug it? What?

That was like a thing that happened. Is that the original ice bucket challenge? Yes. And two quote strong mixed drinks. Why aren't we doing a smeared off ice bucket challenge? Come on. That'd be great, too. Jesus.

Because people get lit on fire. That's right. This is what I love. Listen to this, okay? So remember the first sentence? She tried to light her boyfriend on fire because he wouldn't celebrate with her. All right? And then she said, I had some rum and two smeared off ice.

Right, okay. Next sentence. Her roommate, who she has a romantic relationship with. So I picture him being like, not boyfriend. We slept together one time. Put roommate in there. Put roommate. And it's not a relationship.

You guys are together? If neither of us hook up and we come home and I'm not sleeping, then we can hook up. So I'll just write down that you're her boyfriend. It's not a boyfriend. It's not boyfriend? It's not a boyfriend. I'm just going to type boyfriend in. I'm not sleeping. So I'll just write down that you're her boyfriend. It's not a boyfriend. It's not boyfriend? It's not a boyfriend. I'm just going to type boyfriend in. I'm not even on the lease.

Alleged. Her roommate. I'd like more information. I don't even pay for half the gross. Okay, we get it. You're not her boyfriend. She wants me to hit her. What?

Why? Shut up. Whom she has a romantic relationship with. The guy. He alleges Jones sprayed him. Now I'm not going to try and victim blame here, but think about this. Jones sprayed him with lighter fluid, then threw lit matches at him. Oh, my gosh.

If someone can get you all the way down with lighter fluid and then throw matches at you, which means they're not pinning you down. You need to run away. Yeah, that's him keep thinking she wasn't going to do it. Hey, you know the best thing to do in that scenario? Go take a shower. Or leave. Leave. Leave. Go far away. She do in that scenario? Go take a shower. Or leave. Leave.

Leave. Go far away. But also, she can't light you on fire in the shower. If you leave, we've technically broken up. I'm not your boyfriend. Did she stop? So she went to Subway, got a job. Got the job.

Then she drove to a gas station, picked up some lighter fluid in case someone wouldn't celebrate with her? She's pre-feeling that. No, but somewhere in there she had to do the ice and the rum drinks. She drank. Yeah, that was post getting the job. Post getting the job, you're going to drink.

Did she lose the subway job over this? I mean, she has to have, right? I don't know. What are you going to do? Be like, we heard you tried to set that guy on fire. We are still committed to you working here. We still believe in you. That's like she made an interception on her 12-yard line.

She ran it back. The wrong way. No, no. The crowd wasn't celebrating enough with her. She turned to get mad at them. She ran all the way back into her own end zone. Injured three people along the way. And someone knocked them off their heads and they got a touchdown.

The man locked her out of their home as he waited for police. Which also now I'm wondering, did this all happen by the grill outside? Maybe. Maybe he was grilling. My favorite thing is maybe he was grilling and that pissed her off. You should have gotten a sandwich. You need to support me and my franchise. You don't own the franchise. It's not your franchise. You're my boyfriend a sandwich. You need to support me and my franchise. You don't own the

franchise. It's not your franchise. You're my boyfriend. I'm not your boyfriend. You take things too far. They give you a job. You think you own the place. I move in here. You think I'm your boyfriend. That's her problem. You said you had two round drinks. You had eight. Right. He locked her

out of the home and waited for police to arrive. That's when Jones committed criminal damage To the door frame She is not going to be locked out She's not happy Jones told police she did not remember how she got locked out of the home That's always a great defense I have no clue officer

But remembers being upset with her boyfriend Not boyfriend From the window Through the blinds. The person's writing the story right outside their house. I'm just going to put boyfriend in here. That boyfriend! Remembers being upset with her boyfriend after he wouldn't celebrate her hiring at Subway.

That's it, man. Jones is being held on a $15,000 bond. We will get out of here on this. How old do you think Kathy Jones is? Let me tell you real quick before we guess. There is one person who's happy about this. Jared. Now the heat's off a little bit.

Finally. Can I guess what Chad's going to guess in terms of her age? 34. That is correct. Okay. Jason or Randy? I'm going to say she's 26. 26 years old. I think she's 22. 22 years old? 26. Okay years old. I think she's 22. 22 years old.

26. Okay. Kathy Jones. Get your answers in, Tannies. I thought about showing you the photo before you guessed because it's... Is it going to be one of those photos where we see it and it's only going to confuse us more? I think it'll put you within 10 to 12 years, but it could go either way. Meaning we're not within 10 to 12 years?

No, I'm not saying. I don't even remember what you guys said. What did you say, Randy? 22. He said 34. 34. And you said 26. 26.

Okay. Kathy Jones is. Can I change mine? Yeah. Did you see my screen? Nope. Okay. 46.

Okay. And listen to me. If you want to see what she looks like, join our frickin' Facebook page. If you're not joining the Dumb People Town Facebook page, what are you doing? It's such a great community. We put all the stories and all the posts, all the things on there, so go. All right. Kathy Jones.

Is. Is. Play along, townies. It's what we're here for. For fun. 46 years old. Oh my God! Are you serious?

I just, I did not see it on your screen. I believe you. I cannot read it but it sucked that you did it late because then I was like well now I can't say one of you is exactly right oh my god great job Rand Chad had the win he had the win before you Omaha

you know what let's talk about this off air we'll take it off air you take a break and when we come, hopefully we'll have this settled. Dan, tease us the last story. Yeah, what do we got a little on the last story? Give us a little taste. A man has the worst eyewitness for the crime he committed.

Perfect. All right, listen here. I want to... Are we on? No, we're not. Chad Daniels is with us. We have one more segment of Dumb People Town. Stay.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. people town stay stick around make a sound there's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to dpt we solved it we settled it we're all friends yeah everybody's friends few swings were taken okay we all had a bottle of rum we had two rum drinks and we feel better now it's fine dan take us home buddy okay great story are you ready yes great little third story here i'm gonna read you the headline because we could have as much fun with it as we want let's do it oh i should say

who sent it in though who did it was sent in by kimberly disco uh at cinaru c-i-n-n-a-r-u-e she could have also her i'm gonna suggest a twitter handle for her in the future if she gets sick of that one Kimberly at the disco wow I like that too I will remind everyone you can send me stories as well it's the best way to do this show and it makes it so much fun I love that we get our stories crowdsourced that like

it's the best people are out there looking there reward you for being a part of this show this is dumb send it to Dan but I will tell you that people in our lives know that we do this show, and they'll text us awesome stories. And they'll text us any crazy story. It happens every time.

So Dan, what is it? Well, I've been a guest on here once before, and I did live shows, and people from this podcast came out to the shows. I love that. And after the show, we're telling me, and I go, you know that I was just a guest one time. So just to let you know. But you did come back, and you could have brought one of those

next time. So that makes me the happiest in the world. If you go out and see any of Chad shows or any guests we have tell them you heard him here. So what you do is you say you send the story to you. Oh yeah. Do that. It's all done via Twitter. I would love to do it other ways. You can still take

your shot if you want through the Facebook group but Twitter puts it in an order that I can see who sent it first the easiest. Don't DM it because then it's still hard for me to tell who came in and when. And I have to check timestamps and all that. So just do hashtag Dumb People Town at Daniel Van Kirk and send me a story where nothing bad happens to kids. Nothing bad happens to animals. And unless it is super funny, and trust me, it's usually not, no one dies. Okay. Ready? Yes.

Here we go. Man who had caricature drawn of himself steals artist money, leaving portrait behind. So now we don't have to call the cops. What does he look like? He loves tennis, golf, his head

is enormous, and riding with smaller ears. He loves riding. His head is enormous. And riding this with smaller ears. He loves riding unicycles. It is so good. A man who asked to have a caricature drawn of himself stole the artist's money, Riverside Police said Tuesday, in sharing the drawing of the thief. So do you think artists look down on the caricature artist the way, as comedians, we're like, that street performer is getting laughs over there, that guy's a douche.

You know, they're probably like, this guy's a street. I think most artists and the art community thinks very highly of caricature artists. You had me for three seconds, I was like, what is going on here? What is he about to say? Just based on. Shading alone. Yes was like, what is going on here? Just based on... Shading alone. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm going to show you

guys the picture of the drawing and see if you can figure it out. Identify who... So, by the way, I was at our friend's wedding, and there was an un... I know, guys. Join the Facebook.

Join the Facebook. I promise. Hat to the back. I promise. Join the Facebook. I promise. Join the Facebook. I promise. I promise. Hat to the back. I promise. Mustache, but angry eyes like he's about to go steal his money. Yeah. Angry eyebrows.

He is the least happy caricature I've ever seen. Because he looks like he's looking at the artist thinking this idiot has no idea he's about to get robbed. Also, why does he have to wait until the guy's done to steal the money? Well, because he had to wait because that's either or the guy started the drawing

and in the middle of it he stole his thing and he's like, well, let me finish this up because I need to finish my work. Could be evidence. I think it's because the guy had to wait to pay for the artist to reveal where he keeps the money. Oh, could be. No big deal, but I've stolen from artists before. What are you, the fat Jew?

Fuck Jerry? Yeah, okay. The fat Jewish. Okay. I've stolen. Here's my question. Have any of you guys gotten a caricature? Yes. Is it a thing that guys gotten a caricature? Yes.

Is it a thing that happens when you have kids? No. So I was at a wedding and- They had a wedding? So they had like, and it wasn't a crazy big head caricature. By the way, this one that I'm looking at right now, the head is not overtly large. It's actually a pretty good cartoon. It's almost like a courtroom drawing, this one right here.

It kind of is. So maybe it was foreshadowing what would happen. But there was artists who did, they called them caricature artists, but they did one of our family, and they did one of each of our daughters, and now it's hanging up. We framed them, and they're hanging up in the house. They're so good. Oh, I've seen those. They're really cool.

Okay. What about you? Have you ever gotten a... What's the theme park in Minnesota? At the Mall of America? They have that. They have one there, and that's where we got because the dells has 19 illinois has like six flags in gurney ohio cedar park what's cedar point cedar point st louis is six flags well they have valley fair just south of minneapolis oh okay but we got it done and anytime you're

getting a character done and the guy immediately or the gal asks you, what's your favorite sporting team? You're like, we're going to have jerseys on after this. Because they're not that great of an artist, so they need to do some sporting team. That's copyright infringement, and I'm not here to break the law. Just draw my damn face. Sporting team.

What's your sporting team you prefer? Okay. He asked to have a caricature drawn of him, and then he stole it. The expression on the caricature's face is perfect. I'm going to steal your stuff. I know. Look at him. But the hat's so big it makes him look like a little kid.

I've seen this look on my mom's face when she's about to call me an idiot for something. Okay. It is very judgmental. call me an idiot for something. Okay. It is very judgmental. The incident occurred around 11.50, 5.00 p.m. on December 5th during the Festival of Lights event in downtown Riverside. This is in California.

This comes from KTLA. Festival of Lights, that's Hanukkah. Yeah. What? That's what I thought, too. Yeah. Festival of Lights ceremony. Hanukkah wasn't until the end of the month,

so this is probably a Christmas. Special Riverside event. Lighting the tree. We're lighting the man asked the victim for a portrait of himself and once the victim was finished the subject grabbed the victim's money bag and ran away leaving the portrait behind the bag contained about 500 in cash wow this guy's successful almost midnight he said it's a pretty good day no doubt yeah do you recognize

this caricature and no we're not joking police said in a facebook post sharing the drawing the character is of the character we're kind of joking that's why we wrote that right the caricature is of the suspect but of course has exaggerated characteristics and features the cops felt that they needed to tell oh thank you exactly like this so here's my question two feet tall with a four foot head couldn't you as a caricature artist say i'm just gonna take at the end of the night right i'm just gonna take quick pictures so i can like work off of this so you don't have to move around so you know what i mean that way you've got it right and then you're like if you steal it i got you i hope that the police were like all right great can you go back and just essentially draw exactly what he looked like?

And the guy was like, no, I can't. Just keeps drawing the same caricature. You know, one cop was like, can you draw me? While we're here. I mean, you make some money. We're just waiting. Right. What town did this take?

Oh, Riverside, California? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a huge Chargers fan. Really? You're Riverside, California? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a huge Chargers fan. Really? You're a Chargers fan? The man is described being in his early 20s, about five feet, one inch tall. He looks like he's five feet, one inch tall. So it was accurate.

It was to scale. To scale. With an average build, black hair, and mustache, he's last seen wearing a blue and red jacket, white undershirt, black pants, and a red hat. So he didn't add anything extra. I would say this caricature artist is a little boring. Yeah. There's reverb.

Reverb coming around his head. Yes, that's it. And he's just pissed off. And the guy's got the, because you can see his chin is wrinkled, meaning like there's a pursing of the lips of, I'm ready to do something. So it'll be up on the Facebook page. I hope we find out if somebody

catches this guy and I hope he looks exactly like this. If you see a guy that was a guest on an episode of Fat Albert. He kind of looks like the guy like a friend. I was watching a Fat Albert episode

and this is before all the stuff came in about Cosby. What happened, what did he do? Just, I think he, I don't know. And so. The last speech is at Temple University. Right, so there was an episode where a, this is what they did, the kids did, and my kids were watching this,

where it had rained outside and the entire group went downtown where there was a building foundation that like either a building had been knocked down or they were constructing and building a building and so it was wide open and because the rainwater had collected they used the building foundation where the rainwater was as a swimming pool i was like that that is incredible. And they watched it and were like, who would do that? That's insane. Oh, yeah.

A lot of rebar. I understand like dancing when it's super hot, turning on a fire hydrant. We lived in New York City. When it was really hot in New York City, if someone turned on a fire hydrant, as an adult, a 22-year-old, I would have jumped in it and run around and played around. That's perfect. As an adult, a 22-year-old, I would have jumped in it and run around and played around. That's perfect.

But swimming in the murky waters of a building foundation, that's insane. There are some times in Minnesota where people will tube in the ditches after all the snow melts. Yeah. And that's disgusting. Like inner tube all the way down a path. They'll just sit there while they'll have a beer sitting in an inner or two in the ditch in the melted snow. And it's cold water. It's freezing. It's melted snow. If your crotch is in

that, you will not be able to basically have sex for a while. That is like Minnesota freezing your ass. You gotta keep it up, eh? Keep your hips up. You gotta keep it separated. Alright, that's three stories, my friends. There we go. Chad Daniels. He's got a podcast. He's got a podcast

that you guys need to listen to. Middle of somewhere. So check that out and go to chaddanieels.com and see if he's playing near you. Pick up his albums and do all that stuff. Check out superscleros.com. Find out where we're going to be and come see live Dumb People Now. Join the Facebook page. Join the Patreon. We love you guys. No shit. We gotta get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Tunker down. It's Dump People Town.