Dumb People Town - Chris Gethard - Preemptive Karening

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

This week Chris Gethard comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a true bridezilla. The second story is a teenage rescue mission from a chimney. The final story is about the worst way to prep a steak.

Skypains, out of here. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Gethard. Chris Gethard, welcome to the show, buddy. How are you? Couldn't be happier to be a resident of Dumb People Town. I mean, we all kind of are residents of Dumb People Town. We've all done dumb things,

but I really do believe that the world is getting dumber around us, and I'm assuming you probably feel the same way. Oh, yeah, immensely so. Shockingly so. We like to dig in and say not like we don't like to point at something and say hey that's dumb we like to say why is that why is that what do they think was gonna happen what were the 10 decisions that led to the woman sticking her head in the

tailpipe of a truck the journey is always funnier than the destination the journey is what it's all about right i think so yeah all right so daniel should we go ahead chris you're about to say The journey's always funnier than the destination. The journey is what it's all about, right? I think so. Yeah. All right, so Daniel, should we have a statement? Well, go ahead. Chris, you were about to say something. Well, I was just going to say, too, that I'm very happy to explore other people's dumbness,

but also just have to admit before I judge anyone that I do dumb things all the time. Oh, yeah. Score him here. This is a window into us. Oftentimes, stories on this show will then say, well, I kind of did something like that. Or, hey, this reminds me of when this happened.

And, you know, the beauty of this show is that everyone's got a steering wheel. So if you want to drive us off a cliff over there, let's do it. We're going. Let's jump into a story. Are we ready? Yeah, let's do it one right way. This was sent in by one of our fans, which any person who listens to Dumb People Town can do.

All you have to do is go to Twitter, put the link and write hashtag Dumb People Town at Daniel Van Kirk. Boom. That's how I know it's meant for me and that's also I know the order in which these stories came in. So I can give credit. I'm giving credit today to Royal with two L's and that is at

H.C. Royal. There you go. I feel like that's a character for head coach. Maybe it's the second L is for Lord. Didn't she sing that song, Royal? She did sing Royal. No, Royals. Royals. I think.

Sorry. I am not to be a Lord truther. All right, here we go. I'm a Lord birther. Is that weird, Chris? I heard you believe Lord was never born. I do. I believe that, yes, that she is just a figure.

And she was never royal. All right. I believe that, yes, that she is just a figure. And she was never royal. All right, here's a headline. Ready? You believe that she would never be royal. I'm sorry. That's all. Okay, you too. Stop.

Bride demands entire neighborhood not use outdoor space. Her wedding is so important, she wants no one to be outside anywhere close to her wedding. She wants to use a public designated space and doesn't want anyone else to use it. One bride in Alaska decided she wanted to host a two-day wedding ceremony slash reception in a public wooded area. Nope. To ensure the weekend went smoothly, she posted a note to a tree in the area where the wedding was to be held asking locals not to camp that weekend and to expect loud music.

That's the original message board, Chris. She's preemptively Karen-ing? Karen-ing. Karen-ing the situation. Like, before it even- Don't make any noise. Right. It's my wedding.

In this public open space. Chris, is it nice that she informed people ahead of time? It's nice that she tried, right? But all she's going to do is induce rage. I mean, she has a fundamental inability to understand why the idea of privacy exists. She fundamentally doesn't understand why a rental would happen. Correct.

Also, just the idea, like in my world, if you tell a group of people, here's the one thing I need you to not do. They're going to do it. You're asking people to do it. It's like writing a note to God saying, don't rain. We're doing an outdoor wedding. By the way, especially telling a room full of comics.

Guys, we had some ceiling damage. Please don't point it out. We're trying to work on the ceiling. Every comic is going to go out. Hey, nice they put a skylight in here. Don't tell people, here's what I need you guys to not do. Don't look at her nose and don't make fun of it.

Also for people, and Chris, you live out in the woods, but people who move to Alaska move up there because they're like, we don't want you to tell us rules. We live in Alaska, bitch. Also, if in Alaska you can't find a space that no one else wants to be in.

It's big. Right? All I can think about right now is that when I was a teenager, if I came across that sign in the woods, I would be plotting how I'm going to live that way. How you're going to fuck it up. That's right. How naked you would be around that thing.

And how loud the music. Like getting some sort of shit catapult ready like i'd be doing what would i be putting in the water balloons already what would be hanging from the trees with traps i mean i love that you have all these ideas because when we do a little uh like special content for our patreon uh members and when we do that later on all i want to talk to you about is action park where you're just talking about people just doing the craziest shit in the world but yeah if this was me and my friends i'd be like so we're having a fireworks war like we're having a bottle rocket war during this wedding right if it's me i'm like i'm buying at the people just in the area i'm renting a wedding dress and i'm gonna

just walk around your own wedding like it's like it's my wedding i'm marrying it's a public place i'm marrying a squirrel i'm gonna marry a squirrel. That's what I love, though. So it says she asked locals not to camp that weekend and to expect loud music. The next sentence is perfect. However, the note quickly backfired. Oh, no shit. In a Reddit thread called Wedding

Shaming, a Redditor posted a photo of the bride's note. The note reads, here it is in full, Friday and Saturday, June 18th and 19th, we will be hosting our wedding ceremony and reception. Please The note reads here. It is in full Friday and Saturday, June 18th and 19th. We will be hosting our wedding ceremony and reception. Please do not camp here. We have an entire guest list arriving for the weekend to celebrate. So if you decide to anyways, we will set up around you and do it anyway. Make sure you have a gift and a dish for the barbecue. a second smaller note says ps this will be loud music and late night type of weekend so if you're why oh you are of course it's why you are so if you're here expect that

there will be 50 plus of us thank you for understanding which was that's a tone but no one understood and so you're assuming that people are understanding it's like when um chris has ever happened to you i had this happen with teachers, when they give a note on the paper you turned in and they write your own name back to you, like, did you understand the assignment, Daniel? Like, just when the person puts your name, it's pejorative, it's so mean.

It's notes in general. I had a roommate in college. I lived in like a very stereotypical college house that was like a falling apart dump and I think there was seven other guys and we had this one roommate who had a real he just could not figure out

that if he left things in note form it was never going to go his way and I remember once I had some people we had a party in the basement and I was the one who threw it and I remember him leaving a note in the hallway that was like, whoever threw the party, there's

a bunch of broken glass down there. So whoever it was who threw the party should probably clean it up. And I remember flipping, I mean, I was also like an unmedicated mentally ill person at the time who within a couple of years would be on the therapist's couch for the rest of my life. But I remember like kicking down the door to his room and I'm like really whoever threw the part you knew i threw the party you know you can't just come talk to me you can't just come talk to me you can't even just leave the note on my door you're gonna leave it forever and i flipped out notes bring out the crazy so it

wasn't even the note it wasn't even that he was asking you to do it it was the passive aggressive nature i don't know who did it the note to like i imagine the guy i don't know who did it. But the note too, like I imagine the guy, I don't know him at all, but I imagine your roommate who wrote those notes, like that's how they were raised, that it was all notes, like no one spoke during dinner, like a lot of people just walking around a quiet house. Yes.

Don't talk to them. Oh, which is like drives me nuts. Dan. I think it was a very suppressed waspy family. Yes. Whereas I came from a clan of Irish Catholics that used to physically beat each other when they hold on that's right you get it out there extreme that's the other extreme and you

get it out and then you move on and then you go to therapy i also like that there was a second smaller note which means you know the bride who wrote this or groom or both of them who wrote this then was like i should go back i should go back that That's not enough. This is what I'm going to say. The groom-to-be wrote the initial note, and the wife was like, that's not enough, David. And he's like, babe, babe, babe. I think they're going to get it. They're not going to get it. And so now this is our first fight.

Our first fight as a married couple. According to the Redditor, the area is a, quote, public use area within their neighborhood where they and their neighbors walk, ATV, and camp. The Redditor also alleged that the bride didn't have a permit, leave contact information, or have the facilities necessary to carry out the pre-planned ceremony. They were just going to show up and party, which I respect to show up and party.

Dude, this is Alaska. If you're going to show up and party in a public park- You don't understand Alaska. Alaska is a giant land grab. It's like, if you get there first, this is what we're doing. If it's polar bears on it, they got it. But if you're going to do any sort of public celebration, you have to have a more the merrier mentality.

You have to. That's right. Don't you guys feel like this actually could have gone really well? Except for the thing that made me kind of cringe was that line of, we'll do the wedding around you anyway. That's when it goes from, you have potential that this neighborhood discovers this and gets in on it and your party's even better

and people start dropping off more food and it's just the more the merrier. And to you, I'm going to surround you and aggressively wedding at you. Dude, it's weaponizing the wedding. You can't weaponize the wedding. I'm going to surround you and aggressively wedding at you. It's weaponizing the wedding. You can't weaponize the wedding. I'm going to wedding so hard in your face. I'm going to make my uncle who was in the service

talk to you the whole night. You're threatening them with a bad wedding. Get ready to have vows thrown in your face, bitch. But you're right, Chris. If they had just changed that too, but if you're planning on camping here anyway, I hope you bring a good vibe and want to have fun at a wedding

because that's what's happening. And then people might go, oh, I don't want to interrupt their thing. Right. Or they might go, you know what? That will be cool. And what if we bring them a gift?

Like you could... What if we make them s'mores? Right. Yeah. We set up a s'mores station. Dude. What wedding would be great with a s'mores station?

A wedding with a s'mores station. Bro. That's probably happened, right? We had s'mores at my wedding. You did? You did? We got married at a summer camp. It was a s'more station. Bro. It probably happened, right? We had s'mores at my wedding. You did? We got married at a summer camp. It was a three-day affair. It was sort of like what this woman wanted to do,

except respecting the human rationale and the idea that you pay money for a space that allows you these types of things. Right. She did not get a permit. Kara Clunk and Jared Logan got married at a summer camp. At a summer camp? Yes.

That's awesome. Yeah. Love it. Where was I? Oh, on the same day, the original poster shared the photo of the signs to Reddit. They shared an updated photo that shows the community's direct response to the bride. Oh, yeah. In a note taped over the bride's note, someone said-

That's that. I know. Sign number one. This is like tagging over someone's tagged overpass. This is like this part's version of Interstellar. It's like notes on notes. Somebody wrote

this. Hey, congrats on your upcoming wedding, but your plan to host a ton of people and play loud music for two days is not going to work for the residents of this area. To which I kind of throw some shade at that person because you don't speak for everyone in the area. No, you speak for you.

You say it's not going to work for me, and I'm a resident here. A lot of people are out over their skis in this story. Oh, yeah. The notes writer wanted to know where the bride's guests will park and how they will use the bathroom. They also warned if the wedding isn't relocated

and causes a nuisance, troopers will be called to tow the vehicles. Dude, this is a notes race. As though cops would be like, yeah, we'll go out and tow these cars that are annoying you in spots where people can park. They're not going to tow it. No. The best would be if they didn't say anything and they just had an impromptu wedding. Because let's say you were

camping there and like yeah like a wedding just happens and you're like this is the greatest thing i've ever seen in my entire life we better we better respect the wedding that's going on what a cool thing they decided to just have this wedding right another note now what do they always say a third note yes third note wow what they always say? Do it and ask for forgiveness. Don't ask for permission first. There you go. Yeah. I have two of my very good friends got married on the Staten Island Ferry, and they didn't

get permission. They just told us all to meet at the ferry terminal, and we all got on together. Did you know they were getting married? We knew it was a wedding. Everybody knew they will be getting married, and they're just going to do it on the Staten Island Ferry, and there's a reverend that's been brought along. Nice. And the Staten Island ferry. And there's a Reverend that's been brought along and the Staten Island ferry is not the longest ride. So we do it, then we all ride back together and then everybody's going to party at the

reception hall. And everybody on the boat, I would say about 90% of the people just got on board and were cheering and thought it was fun. Sure. 8% of the people said, screw this, I'm going to go as far away as I can. And they went there, looked at their phones and shit was far away. Totally fair.

And then I'll never forget, there were two dudes who had this stereotypical, the classic New York City commuter, tall boy in a paper bag at the end of a work day. Just the classic big course can who just opted to sit there sipping their course cans did not get up and move their chairs but totally just straight face that this was happening so in every picture there's also just like two random kind of scuzzy dudes with big beers ignoring it

all and that's awesome and that's part of it if you invite enough members of your family you may end up with those two guys there anyway. That's right. Dude, how funny it would be if the preacher on the Staten Island Fair was like, if anybody doesn't believe this union should happen, speak now. I got something to say over here. I don't think he's good enough for her. All right, ready for our third note?

Yeah. Another note. So now a note on a note on a note. note yeah another note so now a note on a note on a note another note annette alleged that there would be a teenage camp out and photo shoot that weekend good luck they said as well as go away so now somebody's threatening them with like oh well we're doing a teenage camp out and photo shoot i do groups of teens do their senior photos teenage. Teenage photo shoot sounds like Jeffrey Epstein. It's like, no. No photo shoot. Teenagers, if we know one thing, it's that teenagers respect the union of marriage.

And alcohol laws add a way. In response to a Redditor asking if the residents could park, could report the upcoming wedding to local rangers, the original poster said, it's not a a park so there's no rangers i love that this redditor has now been like he's delegating both sides of this thing it's like i got this or they are she could be a she it's a public usage area they uh it's been reported to several agencies but nothing can be done until they show up and actually start breaking rules. That's another thing. If you're telling everybody you're doing something and there's nothing wrong with you doing it, but you are infringing,

you better not be breaking any rules. Oh, no. Because they're going to watch you to be like. So this thing is going to come to a head. Like the wedding's going to happen. There's going to be a busload of eighth graders. Teenagers taking their photos. Come on, kids. Sitting on a stump. there's gonna be a busload of eighth graders teenagers taking their photos kids

sitting on a stump three days after posting the photos the original reddit poster shared an update that the bride addressed the note on facebook so this is what the bride wrote of course she's on facebook i in no way wanted to offend the, the bride said at the beginning of her comment in what appears to be a community post. My sign was in an effort to detour punk kids trying to party. Well, you're in store for it now. Yep. They wrote, I can assure the community

that we will not be a disturbance and we will not leave a mess. This sounds to me as she is afraid that she is losing her wedding plans so she's willing to backpedal. She's got no plan B. You guys probably scouted the summer camp that you guys met

at or is it from your past? For your past. For your wedding. Oh, we knew we wanted to do a thing where people could stay over and we just found different summer camps that offer themselves up for rental. So cool. So freaking cool.

I love it. Was everybody in bunks and stuff? Yeah. A bunch of people stayed in the bunks. And then this one also had sort of like a more grown up side. Like they had like some senior events throughout. So they had some rooms that had their own bathroom so like the people with the grown-ups could kick in a little money and get your own

bathroom and a little cabin and then all the comedians stayed in bunk beds like dirt bags and stayed up on the other side hilarious yeah and someone who you guys definitely know i've never spoken about this probably someone who you definitely know who I cannot name publicly in a very comedian move. All of a sudden, tell me if my mom pulls me aside, right? It's the night we got married. It's the reception dinner. Yeah. And my mom was like, hey, what's the deal with blank's date?

And I was like, he didn't have a date. And he didn't ask me for a plus one. And I know he arrived alone. She's like, your uncle said he sat down at their table, which wasn't where he was seated. And he had this date. The date was this super young, scantily clad woman. And I was like, I don't know. And this is a person I never met.

But it turned out a person who definitely you guys know and are probably also friends with was hitting on a girl on Instagram and convinced her to attend my wedding. To go to his wedding. Uninvited. And this was after he had arrived at the camp. And then I realized he sat at this random table with my uncle

because my dad's best friend threw out his back and couldn't make it. So there were just two open seats. So yeah, there was just some strange woman there who I never saw. And they're at a family table. Yeah, and they're at a family table. They're at a family table. That's great.

Sitting with my Uncle Paul. And then apparently they ate edibles that were brought from California and were therefore way, way, way, way stronger. Oh, God. And this girl was like really out of it. So all of a sudden there was like a very loopy, high woman, uncertain. Who wasn't invited.

Who wasn't invited to. And only a comedian. Only a comedian can pull that off, right? That's right. That's right. You kind of brought that on yourself. The bride, we'll go back to this. The bride continued to explain that she was inviting 10

people remember what she wrote on that note yeah 50 plus 50 plus now trying to say it's only 10 all with multiple children under the age of 15 so now she's we're going disco it's a family affair huh but it's gonna be loud music because you know how kids under 15 love loud music she also alleged she would be calling she would be calling troopers these cops who are like we are not on anybody's side unless someone's breaking the law. Cops are like, stop calling us. The cops who for years have been lobbying the state to get some park rangers there so that they don't have to deal with this anymore. This shouldn't be under our jurisdiction.

So when they say defund the police, they don't mean defund the police. They don't mean take their abilities to someone else to handle this. So the cops aren't brought into this. That's what they mean. To ensure that she could continue the ceremony and again she apologized as well as left her contact information Don't put your contact information on the internet. Reddit? No. No this is on Facebook.

Which is worse I would feel in some ways. She said she put it on the information for those wanting to ask further questions. Right. In a separate follow-up comment, she told residents a trooper would be on patrol, not only to make sure that we are respectful, but also that your community is respectful too. So she's going like, she's like Batman.

Is it Michael Keaton? You want to get nuts? Let's get nuts. You want to like bring the cops in? I'll bring the cops. Like she's trying to go. It's like Batman. Yeah, is it Michael Keaton? You want to get nuts? Let's get nuts. You want to like bring the cops in. I'll bring the cops like she's trying to. It's my move. She's trying to go into the fire to come out the other side like she is her own controlled burn. Do you know what I mean? Yes, it's hilarious. This is just a series of mistakes that she wrote in no way, shape or form. I love a good shape or form in no way, shape or form. It's like a

touch base. Just wanted to touch base like shape or form and touch and base in no way it's like thoughts and prayers right are we doing anything wrong she's oh my god she's gonna back that all the way let us decide that but residents weren't pacified by her comments many argued her tone was passive aggressive no shit that's right it's the same guy who left chris the note the person who did the party it's there's broken glass on the floor in the basement. The person who did it needs to pick it up. She felt that this person, that she was passive aggressive, and that she should have rented a proper space to hold the ceremony

rather than take over a public area. I disagree. Do it in a public area. Just let everyone else come. Just realize some people are going to bring their own beer. There's going to be a couple of guys with some tall boys in a bag. When the bride apologized for miscommunication and again explained that she was worried about shithead partiers.

I love, too, that she's like, guys, I hate shithead. Punk kids. Right. And shithead partiers. Someone commented, I'm sorry. I wish you would be honest. I think that it's a cop out and you just want to be the victim pretending the sign was for teenagers they were also angry that she called troopers to patrol the event but even that's an alaska thing right there like we all want to be off the grid here that's right uh

why would you even contact the troopers somebody's mad at them now mad at her for this the whole thing is a waste of their time it's a public and free space if there is room left by the time you get there set up if not If not, move on. It's like going to the beach. Yes. Yeah. You want to have a party at a park? I don't like that she's trying to say that she's worried about shitheads and partiers

when it sounds like some of these kids are actually just young artists exploring photography. That's right. Thank you. Thank you. The visual arts. They're visual artists. Let them do their thing. We'll get out of here on this.

The original poster did not she could be squashing the next like Ansel Adams or Diane Arbus or Diane Arbus yes

the original poster did not give a full update after the ceremony when one redditor asked for details of the event the poster said as far as I can tell

not much happened I honestly think the whole thing was blown out of proportion it was just some rednecks posting a tone-deaf announcement about their camping party. Wow. What a great summation. But with every post, the guy she's marrying is like, what am I doing?

What am I doing? That's story number one. I can't wait. When we come back, we're going to hear about everything Chris Gethard is up to. I'm going to ask him if all New Yorkers have seen Fran Lebowitz walking around the streets of the city. That is something I've been dreaming of since I watched the documentary in quarantine. We'll talk about that story.

Number one, we'll be right back with more dumb people town with Chris gathered. Stay with us. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more dumb people town. Hey guys, welcome back to dumb people town.

Uh, we want to remind people Daniel Van Kirk is on tour. I am. Go to DanielVanKirk.com. It's the Together Again Tour. It started August 11th or starts, depending on when this drops, August 11th in Chicago. It will run until November 19th in my hometown of Rochelle, Illinois. How many cities?

55. I would say, yeah, 40, 50 cities. It's got a lot of dates. It's going to be great. And then for us, we've got a Patreon. Daniel's got one, too. And Dumb People Town has one, too. We're doing a lot of dates. It's going to be great. And then for us, we've got a Patreon. Daniel's got one too and Dump People Town has one too. We're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats,

our great show that we used to do on ESPN Classic. I'm glad you called it great. I think it's great. It is great. It's a new episode of the show. The first time new episodes have ever been made in 15 years. It's worth it. You go to patreon.com,

look up Sklar Brothers and it's a chance for you to see that. And let's talk to Chris. What's going on with you my man as far as that stuff I'm on the road as well 20 cities ChrisKeth.com for all those tickets and I have a new special out called Half My Life that people can

go find and download and if you search for it on Amazon or iTunes or Vimeo you're going to find it it just came out like a month ago yeah I filmed it I like self funded it I went to 10 small venues and just brought cameras along the way It came out this year, right? It just came out like a month ago. Yeah, I filmed it. I like self-funded it. I went to 10 small venues and just brought cameras along the way. And it's a whole bunch of stand-up.

And then also a whole bunch of just like, here's what it's like to drive from Buffalo to Detroit and hit traffic, even though you've been doing this for 20 years. And just show the reality of like, this is not a special where I put on fancy sneakers and rent a good venue. It's like what it's actually like to be on the road killing time in buffalo you know that's awesome i love your work man the chris gethard show and then the same and um the uh oh my god suicide oh my god oh thanks just like all this stuff where you're like hey here's mental health people i think it also like kind of came up on a wave when a lot of people were finally like really starting to address and talk about and like own the needs of mental health.

And I love that you will never remember this. You dropped in 2000. This was before I was in UCB, but I was at a show and I watched you do like a Harold night and you absolutely crushed. That was the first time that I had seen you work. That was probably like 2009, 2010 maybe you were out here performing there around like 2012.

So that was, yeah, so yeah, yeah, it was, it was right like 2012. So that was a long while ago. Yeah, it was right before that. So fan of your stuff for a while. I love the podcast too, Anonymous. Thanks, yeah. Beautiful Anonymous. Yeah, dude. People should check it out.

They can still, it's like. People can still find those, yes? Yeah. It's been going for five years. I just take phone calls from anonymous people. And I thought it was going to be like a comedy podcast and sometimes it's funny and then sometimes people just tell me super dark shit about their lives it turns out when you tell people like hey you don't have to say your name and i'll listen to anything right how freeing go there yeah how

freeing that is for people it's like again when you think about it in terms of like mental it's it's kind of what the the beauty of what therapy should be that there is like even though they're you're either sitting across from someone or whatnot and there are services that you can do it where you can't even be a better help who sponsors our podcast like you can do it in a way that feels somewhat anonymous but it just is freeing to open yourself up to someone that way yeah and then i also get to read ads about socks you know yeah hey, in the middle of all that. What goes better with hearing the darkest shit ever than also here's a great pair of socks.

It is really, it is like continue, I find myself continuously apologizing. It'll be someone like, we had a call that was legit from a woman who got addicted to meth and then started letting meth traffickers use her house. And she called me four days before she was reporting to federal prison. And I'm not kidding.

And then she's like, I never hurt anybody, but I was definitely like sitting in my bedroom, hearing screams on the other side of the wall from these people where like they would basically get drugs from letting traffickers use it as like a stopover point where they beat people up and people get burned and killed. And then you caught in and you're like, if you're having a bad day, Sherry's Berries is...

Oh, 100%. And like, alright, everybody, we gotta pause because you don't want to be schlepping down to the post office yourself. Stamps.com! Speaking of getting stamped on... We're talking stumps. Let me talk stamps.com speaking of getting stamped on stamps.com

we're talking stamps let me talk stamps if you're looking to mail a ransom letter why wait in line to mail that letter you get the scale

you get the stamps and who knows the scale can be used to weigh packages or other things the scale the scale would come

the scale can come in handy for anybody and I'm sorry that I even went there a lot of times on the show where I just

be like we have to pause and I just want to remind everybody I didn't invent fucking capitalism so no

exactly here it is this is how I survive this is how I get to do what I do that is insane so check out all that stuff and check out the special

20 cities you said chrisgeth.com yeah chrisgeth.com a whole bunch and I'm I'll tell you too I don't know why because usually in Austin

I do great I got shows coming up in Austin where I'm selling no tickets and I usually crush in Austin so maybe I should just shout out specifically if you're in Austin Texas

I'd love to hang out with you what's the date do you know the date on that offhand of your Austin show do you know the dates of your Austin shows

8 19 April August 19th 20th 21st I don't know if this will be out by then maybe I will have Austin shows? Do you know the dates of your Austin shows? 8, 19, April, August 19th, 20th, 21st. I don't know if this will be out by then. This will be out before that. Maybe I will have already

eaten shit in Austin. No, no, no. Show up, Austin. We got lots of fans down there. It's a killer show. Great comedy, thoughtful, interesting,

cool, deep, and funny. You want to check him out. ChrisGeth.com. All right, let's jump into another story. Speaking of thoughtful

hilariousness stuck teen rescued from chimney this was sent in by Sarah Dunn at Dunn People Town I love you Dunn Santa Clutz

yes if Santa Claus can slide down the chimney no problem why couldn't you if you think one that he could do that and you

if you think that he does do that you've got a problem even if Santa Claus never existed if you've ever stood at the top of a chimney and thought, I can do this, you have way too much confidence in the wrong areas of your life. Stuck in a chimney. Have you guys ever looked down a chimney from the top?

No, never. I actually from underneath. It is not inviting. There's nothing. And there's nothing. Even if you fit. Even if you're a squirrel. I don't understand why squirrels go down them.

Yeah, even if you fit. Why would you be like, oh, this isn't going to hurt. Let me be a human pipe cleaner. It's not a slide. Slides are fun. No. It's not a water slide. Well, we'll find out when we talk about action park in a little bit.

Okay. Also, every time I hear about someone trying to go to, all I think is that scene from Gremlins, which Phoebe, what's Phoebe Cates? Phoebe Cates, yes. She gives that speech about her dad dying in the, oh my God. One time I was like maybe 13 and that scene comes so far out of left field. I just started laughing like uncontrollably because it's so hardcore and dark for a movie

that's essentially a horror comedy. It's fun, right? A hundred percent. Puppets. Puppets that are essentially a horror comedy. It's fun, right? 100%? Puppets. Puppets that are going crazy. Okay. A girl from Nevada did not have the same grace as the Christmas icon after getting stuck trying to slide down a chimney

attempting to get back into her home after being locked out. Number one, who has a chimney in Nevada? It is so hot. I was thinking the same thing. Right. Hey, I got a house in Nevada. What's the first thing we want to build? A fireplace. I could see a fire pit.

A cool winter night in the desert. Maybe. They do get snow. It can't get cold enough. A locked house. If you're so desperate, you'll go on the roof and down the chimney. Break a window. Break a window. If you have so desperate, you'll go on the roof and down the chimney. Break a window.

Break a window. Break a window. If you have the equipment and determination to get on a roof, you have almost definitely climbed past other things you could have done. You could have gone in. That's right. Let me leverage myself on this open window to get up on the roof. Get past that.

Right, right. Put your foot down on that window so I can get up to the chimney. On that vent there that can be removed that you can slide in. According to a Facebook post by the Henderson Fire Department. No? No Henderson from you too? Henderson! Firefighters had to rescue the girl after she got stuck this past Tuesday.

The whole procedure, how long do you think it took to get her out? How many minutes do you think it took to get her out of the chimney? Minutes? Chris, you're a guest. Yeah. I was going to say three and a half hours. Okay. That's fine.

That's fair. Yeah. So this is about 210 minutes? It's 110. 210 on the nose. I'm going to say it took 90 minutes to get her out.

90? 75 minutes. It took them 30 minutes, which I feel like that's a fish. Fast. She's lucky. If you get her out in under 30 75 minutes. It took them 30 minutes, which I feel like that's a fish. Fast. She's lucky. If you get her out

in under 30 minutes, she's free. Or less. And she did not suffer any injuries. Addison firefighters are trained for confined space rescue.

How stuck was she? Was she all the way down in it, or was she just to her armpits? Does that mean she had her phone operating in the,

did she call 911 from inside a chimney? Probably. She'd have to, right? Could she have just called the fire department to come help unlock her locked door? Yeah. Also, I feel like in my mind,

I don't know why, I feel like someone locked her out on purpose. Yes. And she was trying to prove a point. Like she could break the window. You gonna lock me out? I'll show you. Wait, isn't that an R. Kelly song Trapped in a Chimney? No.

It could have been though. Henderson firefighters are trained for confined space rescue, which is my nightmare, and pulled the uninjured girl to safety in about half an hour. According to KTNV, fire officials say they learned the girl was locked out of her home

and thought going down the chimney was a good option. It's not a good option. If you think that going down a chimney is a good option ever, you don't get to make choices. At that point, you're like, please don't allow her to decide anything. She shouldn't decide where we're going for birthday dinner.

She should not decide which route we're going to the airport. She doesn't need to know what car we're dinner. No. She should not decide which route we're going to the airport. She shouldn't even know what car we're taking. No. No. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Because even if it goes as swimmingly as possible, best case scenario is you and your entire house are completely fucked up and filthy for a long time. Yeah, covered in soot. Right. Soot everywhere. We have a white couch dummy. Yeah. You're going to trail that all over the living room.

When she tried to slide down, she got stuck just above the flue, which is, of course she did. That's where it closes. She got all the way down to the flue. She did better than I thought. I know. I picture her like six feet down tops. I was imagining her with her arms outside of the top.

Like she got all the way down. Like pointed up? Yeah. Because I was picturing her arms pinned on her sides and her having to, like sadly hanging there having to go,

hey Siri, 911. Like having to have that moment. Because she has to be super small, not just to get that far, but to, like what Chris put, to be able to get your phone

out of your pocket in a chimney. I imagine her like, do you know, remember going to the bank and you make the deposit and you're in one of those outer things? The tube? You go in the tube and it goes, it sucks you straight on out. It sucks you straight on out. Can you imagine the reverse happen for her? She just went and there was that like, boop.

Also, do you think as she, this is one of your favorite lines, do you think as she got in, as she got her first leg into the chimney, she was like, gonna tell me what to do. Gonna tell me what to tell me, I can't get in this house. Like I didn't, she told me I didn't graduate high school. Tell me I'm not a good girlfriend. Dan, do you know that I have a fireplace in my house and I, and we were, I'm like, it's time we can have fires. My daughter's seven now, like she's not now. She knows not to touch the fire.

And I was convinced that I pulled down so that the flu can be open for. You have to push it up. You gotta push it. I now know that, but I didn't know that. And so then up on the face of my fire, there was like, it was getting black and it was like getting messed up.

And I'm like, what's going on? What's wrong? My wife's like, did you open the flu? I pulled it down. On the face of my fire, it was getting black, and it was getting messed up. And I'm like, what's going on? What's wrong? My wife's like, did you open the flue? I pulled it down. Yeah, I pulled it down. Why is everyone mad at me? She's like, you did what?

And I'm like, I did the wrong thing. I did the dumb thing. I love an angry confession. I did what I shouldn't have done. I screwed it up. Aren't you listening to me? I tried to jump in the chimney. And then I walked over and pushed it up. And I'm like, there, I opened it after nine fires.

Oh, that's funny. So she says here she thought it was a good option. She tried to slide down. She got stuck just above the flue. Firefighters had to use a rope system to rescue the embarrassed girl before pulling her out to safety. We will get out of here on this. Story number two. How old do you think this girl is that she said, I'm going chimney diving?

Yep. Chris Gethard, you are our guest. Jim Chimney. Well, you said girl. That indicates youth. I mean, I think she's above 21 because she had to have been intoxicated. Well, I think it said 27. No.

Isn't it teen? Did you say teen at the beginning? I might have. Oh, okay. I didn't hear that. I thought it was teen. I haven't heard it. I didn't hear that.

You're going to stick with 26, Chris? I'll stick with 27. Okay, 27. Jay? I'm going to say 15. I'm going to say 19. 19? One of you is one year off. Let's go. So Okay, 27. Jay? I'm going to say 15. I'm going to say 19. 19? One of you is one year off.

Let's go. So now, adjust. Up or down a year, you all get the option. You want to go up or down, Chris? 26. Okay. 18. 14.

The chimney dropper, who I can't get over the point that you made, that why not just break a window if you're that dedicated to getting in. That's so true. Why Bruce Willis die hard? You pass three options on the way up to the roof. Sure, come over to my house, get locked out, try to get inside. Is 18 years old. Oh, Randy.

Nice. Old enough to vote, guys. Old enough. What do you guys think she voted for? I don't know. Green Party probably Jill Stein Alright there you go that's story number two

Dan give us a little tease of what we're going to see Oh a guy sets a fight He tries to cook dinner in the worst way I love it and for our Patreon fans we're going to ask Chris Gethard about some action Park stuff what an unbelievable Movie that was All that's later on the other side of this break

all right daniel take us home buddy ready this was sent in by la assassina the assassin mma that's la assassina mma la as es ina mma love sends in so much, I want to give her a full due. Here we go. Ready? Yep. Man who set fire to house by cooking steak in toaster. This is... You can't create your own George Foreman grill.

There's a science to it. That was the George Frazier grill. The George Frazier grill was like a toaster. It's worse than the George Foreman grill. Put a little steak in it. Joe Frazier. Did I say George? Yeah. Joe Frazier grill. George Frazier grill was like a toaster. It's worse than the George Foreman. Put a little steak in it. Joe Frazier. Did I say George? Yeah.

Joe Frazier. Let me ask you this, Chris. Yeah. How many days do you think he was thinking about? Like, it doesn't say here, but you don't just go from like zero to steak and a toaster. Like, there was a time that you thought about it for a while. I'm going to say something right here and say, I'm not as mad at this guy as the others.

Why? He was going for something, trying to make something. Well, and the dumb thing is like, like he, this is a guy who may have well known that he was preparing a terrible steak and doing a very sad thing

he didn't expect a fire to break out even i'm shocked that you can have a fire breakout but the problem is i've had some sad meals i've definitely i i remember being depressed so depressed that i didn't want to cook ramen which is this boiling water and eating uncooked ramen cakes and opening the flavor packet and pouring it over and just eating uncooked ramen with like dust. The saltiest dust. This sounds like a severely depressed man. Yeah.

But here's the two, here's the two things, Chris. One, if your steak fits in your toaster, it's not a good steak. Two, if you're,

if you set your house on fire by cooking a steak in a toaster, I want the best for you, but that's going to come up at the divorce hearing. That is 100%. Can he take care of the kids? Can he take care of the kids? You're not. And really, you just might need to talk to somebody. This does feel like a scene from one of my favorite movies, Lonely Guy.

This is Lonely Guy. Hey, how would you like your steak um dark yeah flame broiled yeah wow so but i'm assuming the fat burned off the drip off the steak you don't want to ignited nothing in a fire should be dripping something yes even you put the strudel on after no right it's yeah a man whose attempt to cook steak in a toaster sparked a fire that destroyed his house. Destroyed the whole house? Yes.

His whole house. And he was upset to find that his insurance policy did not pay out as much as he had wanted it to. Well, you know, maybe don't tell the whole story. If you're not checking. Maybe stay my toaster shorted out. You don't have to talk about the steaks. Yeah, don't make yourself

the reason. The case was dealt with by the Insurance and Financial Services Ombudsman, the IFSO, which I guess is a real thing. Sure. And their complaint scheme,

which does not identify the person who complains or the insurance company involved. So they just reported that this was one of their cases. Were you going to say something, Chris? I don't want to cut you off. I just love knowing

how much dumb shit firefighters have to deal with between yanking this teenager out of that chimney and then they show up to the smoldering foundation of this house and this asshole's standing out front

and they're like, you got any idea how it started, buddy? And this guy could have said, I don't know, and instead he's just like, ah, toaster steak. Steak night.

Toaster steak. Toaster steaks. Why isn't that a thing? Toaster steaks. There are pizza bagels. Here's where he is dumb, like, ah, toaster steak. Steak night. Toaster steak. Toaster steaks. Why isn't that a thing? Toaster steaks. Here's where he is dumb, though, Chris, and the Sklars. While it was toasting, his steak. He took a shower. He left the house to go to the local fish and chip shop for chips.

So I don't care if it was in an oven or on the oven. You stay there and watch it. That's the dumb move, right? You can't take a shower while you're boiling hard-boiling eggs. Don't do that. Like, Dan, that is the dumb move. He trusted his wife. He left the house.

So this is a guy who stays in a relationship too long. This is a guy who trusts people. Too much. That's right. Too much trust. Too much. He trusted the system. She's not going to leave me. Right.

What's she going to do? Burn down my whole life? He doesn't complain when people put drinks on his tab and he didn't say it was okay. That's right. Damn. I'll take care of it. The fire severely damaged the home he shared with his partner.

The insurance company paid. How much do you think? Now, remember, he's mad about it. It's not enough. He's mad. It's not enough. How much money do you think the insurance company paid how much do you think now remember he's mad about he's mad it's not enough how much money do you think the insurance company paid for the damage Chris you can also go last if you want you are our guest you don't have to go first is it in pounds or dollars Dan

it's in dollars $700 that feels low to me but his whole house is gone so I'm going to say like $20,000 $20,000 $7,000 $7,000

The insurance company He's pissed He's mad The insurance company paid $418,000 Whoa What? Dude, you're welcome And he's mad

And he's mad Can't be mad at that He's cooking steaks in a toaster And he's mad about $418,000. You can rebuild a house for $418,000. You can rebuild two houses in certain parts of this country. How nice was this house this idiot burnt down? I don't know.

That it didn't have a goddamn stove or oven. Right, or a barbecue pit. He's a nut. How long? My toaster doesn't stay on for very long. Right. Well, you don't have a broil. You don't have like a broil option. You don't have like a broil option.

You don't have like a London broil. It is in London. It's the London broil option. No, I have a broil option on my thing. I'm bake, which is not toast. It's wild to me. Sorry, Dan. The maximum that could be paid.

That is the maximum that could be paid under the couple's policy. Don't get mad. But the couple felt it was not sufficient to replace the house and contacted the IFSO saying that the insurer should pay them an additional how much money? He's in a couple, Dan? There's a woman who married this man. It's a partner.

We don't know. Man or a man who married this man. How much more money do you think he thought he was owed on top of $418,000? I'm going to say $700. Randy, Jason. I'm going to say he thinks he's owed another $300,000. I think another $700,000.

I think he's going to ask for $1.1 million more. I'm going to ask for $182,000 to get them up to $600,000. Okay. He thinks that the insurer should pay another $200,000. I was close. You were. Yes. He thinks like $800,000.

That's a lot. $618,000. For your mistake. Randy, people should join up to our Patreon. If for nothing else, to hear what we just talked about, Class Action Park and great little stories but also

you told the story of dealing with insurance from your RV I don't think I don't want to give anything away other than that but you talked about having to deal with

someone thinking you were a gross negligence you are cooking a cake a cake a steak in a toaster and then you also leave your house

unattended that's gross negligence that's gross negligence if they would have said we're going to give you 50k you should have been like thank you I can't. If they would have said, we're going to give you $50,000, he should have been like, thank you. I can't believe I got any of this. Thank you. I'm a dummy. Thank you.

We're going to give you a stern talking to. Right. You aren't going to be charged with accidental arson if that's even a thing. You get to keep your insurance. They said, the couple said it had not been made clear to them that their policy had changed from replacement cover to total sum insured.

The scheme did not uphold their complaint, saying the insurer had to pay the maximum entitlement and the payer had been paid adequately and been informed of the change to their policy. Wow. So instead of them having to pay what a replacement would cost you, which I guess I assume is over 400K,000, they could pay you what it was worth for the policy, and that's what they were mad about. The maximum amount. The maximum amount.

You still got $480,000. You can find someone. For being an idiot, you got $480,000. For making a mistake. I know. Wow. That is story number three. We've done some dumb things in our lives, Chris. I hope you feel better about all the dumb things you've ever done in your life.

I really do. That guy grew up with a lot of money, huh? Yeah. I think so. So much money up with a lot of money, huh? Yeah. I think so. But so much money he got bored of ovens and stoves. Right. He was like, I'm going all the way back. Do you ever see those things?

Like something a rich person and a poor person does, and they say, like, doesn't wear socks. Yeah. Like they list things that are simple. If you're there at one end of the spectrum or another, that's this. Like he's gone so far on. He's like like I'm gonna create new ways to cook

steak I'll throw it and then leave I'll throw a steak in the toaster we I don't think you can oh I can't oh I can't yeah I'll see in about an hour yeah I'm going to get some got his

side dishes at a restaurant that's yeah did that that's a sign of wealth the sign of wealth yeah he wasn't he wasn't doing all right uh he's doing he's not doing all right

uh no there you go sorry three that is a show Chris Gethard thank you so much Sign of wealth. Yeah. He wasn't doing all right-a. He's not doing all right-a. There you go. Story three. That is the show. Chris Gethard, thank you so much. Chrisgeth.com. Check him out live. 20 dates.

Austin, show up for this gentleman. Show up for him and tell him we sent you there. We love you, buddy. Thanks for joining the show. This was so fun. Thank you guys for having me. We'll do it in person. Yeah, we're in the same room together. We'll do it in person. Yeah, we're in the same room together.

We'll do it in person. We do those, what we used to be able to do at least once a year, live shows in New York. We've done it at the Bell House a few times. You'll be a guest on our live show. Say the word. I'll be there. I'll be there. I love it.

And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb