Dumb People Town - Chris Sullivan - The Curious Case of the Strawberry Sh*tter

Episode Date: June 27, 2017

This week, Chris Sullivan (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2) joins Dumb People Town! The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk discuss Chris's recent meteoric rise, before jumping into Story #1, in which a man files a lawsuit after a bad date. Chris tells the gro...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, call your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. We love that you are here we love that you guys keep uh rating and reviewing the show joining the facebook page uh you are part of this sort of revolution of dealing with

the dumbness in our world uh the world is getting dumber it is not uh that is empirical that's as empirical as climate changing uh the world is getting dumber and the only way to combat that is through humor and that's what we try and do on this show. And pointing it out, trying to understand stupid behavior. Even celebrate it in some moments. I think so, too. And that is what we do. We've got Daniel Van Kirk here.

Hi, friends. Hello, Dan. How are you, buddy? I'm good, guys. Are you excited? Because we have an old friend here, someone who we all know and love as an actor as a as a buddy he's in as an eagle scout eagle scout as a contributor to this and this show in its various incarnations is his first time in dumb people town uh you might recognize him from the amazing guardians of the galaxy 2 as taser face

who is arguably the most intense character with the greatest running gag. I don't want to give it away. Don't give it away. Yeah, I don't want to say it. I mean, I personally grew to love him on The Nick, one of my favorite shows, if you haven't seen it on Cinemax. He's just an ass.

We're, of course, talking about Chris Sullivan. Like, he's dead. He's here in the room. Right here, you guys. I'm sitting right here. He's here in the room. Right here, you guys. Buddy. I'm sitting right here. He's right there. Or on a personal level, he's your friend that your entire family wanted to know at Christmas

time whether or not he died on This Is Us. Yeah. It was like I was being barraged. And you guys, all of this started maybe a year and a half ago, right after I came on your podcast. I don't want to say we're responsible for your meteoric rise uh but i don't know why they call it by the way meteors fall they don't rise but you have that why is that they call meteoric rise that's a bizarre thing uh no but you have i knew

from the second i watched you in the nick that i was like oh this guy is something special and he is going to continue to work and do great things. And okay, so The Nick was not a show that like millions and millions and millions of people watch, but shot by Soderbergh, done really well. Everybody on that show, incredible. Michael Begler and his partner created an amazing show and you flourished on that show.

I thought your character and what you could do. Don't you feel like they made a great use of you and your abilities? Yeah, I was very, I was very lucky for them to, to provide me

with such an interesting character to play. And the producers of This Is Us saw that, saw the Nick. Yeah, they were.

And I'm, I assume that they heard my first appearance on this podcast. Oh, I'm sure they did. And called me in for this is us and that's how i mean literally everything everything after uh uh the nick

fucking stranger things yeah i was going nuts and then i was crestfallen but i'm not gonna give it away it's been a crazy year uh it's so good uh but it is kind of amazing because you're not a comedian you're not like a guy who did a stand-up special on on this is what i think people don't understand dan is that like he's he's doing it off the strength of performances in things it's not like he can go out it's a much more difficult thing to do yeah i think if you're mark norman who was on our show a few weeks ago who is amazing like jay and i have seen him do stand-up in three or four different arenas. We saw him at a festival.

We saw him do it in a three-minute spot during roast battle when people aren't paying attention. And every single time we've seen him do it and then saw his special, he just kills. And I'm like, this guy is poised to break out. He did an hour on Comedy Central. I'm like, he can break out. And people can be like, have you seen Mark Norman? Have you seen this? Have you seen that?

To do it the way you're doing it and to build a career that way is much more difficult. And I thought I just am like amazed and very proud of you. Well, thank you very much. And now Mark Norman has been on this podcast and it's all. He is going to blow up. Everything lay before him. Yeah. and it's all yeah he is gonna blow everything everything lay before him yeah uh well on this show uh people contribute and they give us stories and dan you know how it feels because you're a

consumer of this show as well i am a huge consumer the mark mark's episode was great yeah um that was the birth of jan flato jan flato and it just the jan flato blotter the flato blotter is what i'm gonna call it i want you to play Jan Flotto in a show somewhere yeah just somehow and so yeah

I visited the country I visited the county yeah and now you're a dumb people townie you're a townie I'm a dumb people townie I like that

you're the guy who hangs out at the bar who everyone's excited Sully there he is there he is Chris Sullivan let's do this Dan

we got stories alright this was sent in by Carson 2002 2002 at... I wanted to be Carson Palmer so badly. Right? Or Carson Daily. At macarson02.

That two is really relevant for this person's story. This story blew up. It was really big. I think I know it. I have to do it because of the levels of frustration inventing i was doing reading it yes this will be cathartic this will be an exercise you guys getting it out we will get into some very personal beliefs and i feel like we can all share in this that's what i love about these stories as well before you jump in yeah what they what they do is they force us

there was a great play on broadway years ago that cats no okay uh art is what steve martin wrote it yeah i believe no steve martin didn't write it but uh mino reza oh it was a french play french play that was translated into america was steve martin in it no ste, Steve Martin was not. Alfred Molina was in it. Alan Alda? Alan Alda. Alan Alda. And then the guy who was the captain of the ship in Titanic. Oh, yeah. What was that guy's name?

Victor Garber. Victor Garber. So the three of them were in it. And basically it was just three guys' view of a white, totally white canvas, just blank canvas. With white stripes. It didn't have white diagonal stripes. It was a white painting with white diagonal stripes and they debated whether it was art or not right and so what i think of

these stories is they for it forced so much of their own beliefs to come to the surface when you look at something like that that's these are white canvases oh dirty human rorschach tests exactly i feel confident that you guys will join me But I can speak for myself So many of my own beliefs Are going to come out Let's hear it Alright

Let's get it I think you're going to know Exactly what this story is about But you may not know All the details Because it gets crazy A man is suing A round rock woman

For texting during a movie date At the Barton Creek Square Theater According to a petition filed In small claims court in Travis County. Good. I say good. Brendan Vesmar, 37 years old. She probably left the thing on.

It wasn't on mute. You're at the highest level of brightness. Yeah, exactly. I like to see it. I can't read. Right. Brendan Vesmar. Randy, just you imitating doing that.

I'm gonna go get an usher. I'm gonna go get a dumb people town usher. Brandon Vesmar. He's so big. Oh, Brandon. I know. Of Austin. Filed to claim Thursday against his date. He is so great. I know. Oh, Brandon. Of Austin. Filed to claim Thursday against his date.

He is asking for... Against his date? Yes. Oh, I love this so much. Against his own date. This is a Tinder date. It has to be. He is asking for $17.31, which was the price of the movie ticket for a 3D showing of Guardians

of the Galaxy Vol. 2. Yes! Come on! He told me something, but statesman, this guy was on a date with this woman trying to watch our friend Chris Sullivan in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2,

and she kept texting, and he is suing her ass. So for $17. And this is in Texas? It's in Austin. In Austin. So this is where Texas, the state where they execute retarded people.

Yes. And he wants to tie up the courts with... Can that be a possible finding in this small claims case? Could be. He ends up getting executed. Is that a possibility? For filing suit. I don't know, but all I know is this is maybe something you don't want to tie the courts up with. The woman,

reached by phone Tuesday, said she didn't know about the claim against her. She asked that her name not be used. What is happening? She said that in a text message. Oh my God, she said. This is crazy. My God. Oh my God, she texted.

This is crazy. Brandon, who has his own communications consulting company, said he met the woman online. Oh! So there gets a square

for Chris Sullivan. You called it, Sully. And went with her on their first date on May 6th to the movie. Quote, it was kind of a date

from hell, Brandon said. First of all, to a movie on a first date. So I want to go to a place with you where we don't have to talk

or look at each other. Or look at you, right. Hold on, I feel I'm the same way as you, but I think sometimes we have to remember. People like to kind of ease it in. Not everyone like the four of us in this room or a lot of the people that we associate with

are very like, oh, I. I want to know about you. Let's get into it. Let's start opening up. We can all do the tap dance of any conversation to just kind of like be, you know. But I think for normos, you will the average person the pressure of having that much that much conversation can be daunting all right like don't you ever wonder i asked this girls i've asked girls i dated this before i said first date movie i go is it less fun

or more annoying dating a comic because we're always like we have bits ready to go jokes like we'll be driving like you dude one of my favorite all time the man in a gondolier outfit walking down uh sunset boulevard in silver like like you point that out and see that and then do jokes with who's over the car like yeah no no but this is what we do this is what i do with my wife but i've known her for 20 years is we were teaching our kids our address, and we did it in a song. So we did, da-da-da, da-da-da, Avenue Silver Lake, Silver Lake, 9-0-0-3-9. All right, so we did that joke.

So I would just be driving down the street with my wife, and you see a guy- Who's the epitome of Silver Lake? be driving down the street with my wife and you see like a guy who's the epitome of silver 90 degrees he's got a wool cap and like a black jacket on and like boots and everything and i'll just turn to her and be like silver lake silver lake right but see does that bit exist for like people who aren't comics in a relationship so i'm saying like i think for some people a first date they they can't they don't want to talk for three hours. Movies are created for married couples who don't want to talk to each other to go out and go sit. I love going to movies with anybody.

I do, too. Yes. Okay, there has to be a component. If there's a component after, I will say I remember going on dates to the Angelica Movie Theater in New York, going upstairs and having coffee and talking about the movie afterwards. That's a whole experience. Thought-provoking. Yes. Thought-provoking. Yes.

Thought-provoking social commentary. But imagine the date is, pick up, go to the movie, drop off at home. Okay, see, that's a bad date. Definitely a bad date. There are friends who I will not see movies with, and it is as little as during the trailers, leaning over and too loudly going, I'm going to see that. That looks good. You don't like that?

You know what I like to do? That looks good. You don't like that? You know what I like to do? That looks good. We're never seeing a movie together. Chris Sullivan likes it to be silent and focused attention. Me too, but there are two bits I do constantly in movies. If the trailer was for a horrible movie and there's that time when the trailer has ended between

and it's just like June 17th. No, I'll go. And then my other one is, right after the trailers end and the lights fully go down to start the movie, I'll do this a couple times a year. I'll just, all of a sudden, it's dark, movie hasn't started yet, trailers are over,

I'll go, hello? Call me back in like 10 minutes. No, it's probably not even going to be good. I'll answer. You call me back. And people are like, this one. The ringer's minutes no it's probably not even gonna be good i'll answer you call me back and people are like this the ringer's on it's fine i'll hear it i'll do that but yeah i those are jokes because i'm very hard to remove movie guys movie guys there's some people have fun i just believe in some first dates they might be like oh no pressure but what we're learning i think about this guy is that this texting incident was the last straw yeah it's the first date of the first date yeah straw of the first date yes title of his memoir i make my kids i make my kids stand around at the end and watch

the credits because i'm like someone needs to see the gaffer someone needs to see the best but i mean he did good man she he or she did something on this film i have a theory i've thought about this for years if you and your wife or your husband or anybody are going to have a baby and you're trying to decide on names, I would watch the credits of every movie. You see so many names. I've always wondered if people are like, let's just see what names are out there. Yeah, I guess Nikolai is a good name. Or what names aren't out there.

Yes, exactly. Right. Exactly. Right. So she said, oh my God, this is crazy. She said, oh my God, this is crazy. Y'all, this is crazy, oh my God, this is crazy. She said, oh my God, this is crazy. Y'all, this is crazy, y'all. Y'all, this is crazy.

He said it was kind of the first date from hell. About 15 minutes after the movie began, Brandon said his date started texting on her phone. Quote, this is like one of my biggest pet peeves. Not even his biggest pet peeve. It's like one of his biggest pet peeves. Yeah, it's similar to. It's exactly like it. Exactly. I mean biggest it's like like one of his biggest yeah it's similar to exactly like it exactly it's not it in the petition brandon said the woman quote activated her phone at least i'm gonna ask you guys how many times do you think she did this or how many times does he

estimate that she did this in 15 minutes now they give a variance so i'm gonna go they give two numbers i'm gonna go with the number right in between, so we'll average it out. So, I'll tell you what that number is after you guys guess. You are our guest, Chris Sullivan, so you can go first or you can go last on how many times she texted in 15 minutes. I mean, this woman must have activated her phone like 32 times in 15 minutes. 32 times. That's pretty good, man.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I love activating phone. That phrase has never been used. The activation pretty good, man. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I love activating phone. That phrase has never been used. The activation was excessive. What I do is I'll say, hey, Siri, activate. You're being too nice. If you're activating a phone, you're pushed to talk.

Yeah. She was vocal testing, vocal texting. Yeah. Record my voice. Remember those Nextel push to talks? A little walkie talkies. Where you at, man-to-talks? Little walkie-talkies. Where you at, man? I'm leaving soon.

Period. Sary, next sentence. Period. New sentence. All right, Jason Sklar. I'm going to say 45 times. 45 times in 15 minutes. Yeah.

Randy Sklar. I'm going to say 80 times. 80 times? Yes, you can text so much. You clearly are. 15 times in 15 minutes. Oh, man. Wow. Nice, Ellie. we all way overshot but hey you know 15 times definitely worth the lawsuit i overshot this date so uh brandon said he asked her to stop but

she refused can i tell you guys this is my question if he if he said anything or if he just sat through it and then went home and filed suit if i I'm him, I, in full voice, I've done this to people in theaters. I will. I would look at her, and I would just go, leave. Yeah. Leave. Just leave. I would say you gotta stop.

You gotta stop. You gotta. You gotta stop. That is imperative. You gotta stop. Do you think his first one was, like, because on because he knew the person was on a date right so it was just kind of like a hey hey do you mind if if we come on can we do that afterwards can you not can you not can you not can you not no can you not can you not is a very like you've been

together for a long time and that's what you say to your wife of six years. New first date would be like, hey, can we do that afterwards, maybe? Did he just hold out a hand and, like, shade his eyes from the screen? I've done that to people before, too. That's a first move. That's a solid. You're trying, but you're not saying anything. Or, by the way, why in this moment are you trying to save anything agreed why why don't you just say okay this is

the person i'm with she doesn't care or have respect for anything let alone an amazing one of us is leaving you're leaving or i'm i get up and move to another seat oh and you're done that's a problem the same room as her with the date being over like three rows and then you walk out to your car and you leave and you go find a way home you gotta go forward right so you don't see the glow in front of you yeah that's true definitely but what i would say is i didn't want to get in the way of your texting yeah sorry you seem pretty busy i don't want to like distract you from what you really came here to do which was have a conversation i'm gonna go i'm gonna get on another another row brandon said he told her that maybe that's kind of passive-aggressive maybe she could go outside to text yes leave maybe is maybe is like when

i forget about something that my kids have to do and my wife asks me politely did you get the emails do you do you get the email do you do you get the emails you get is the question before the question of before the it's like so far removed but it makes me know if it were a fight if it were a physical fight do you get the emails is you want to step outside that's what do you get the emails is only responded to oh we're doing this now okay okay yeah she's drawing a line yeah i get the email i mean maybe you know maybe you not get the emails i'm sorry are you getting the email are you getting the email pro that's pro level two do you want to go out that's do you want to step outside are Are you getting the emails to me is the equivalent of saying, fuck you down to the ground.

The follow up email. I'm just making sure you saw this. I'm just checking in to make sure you got this. I'll forward you all of them because apparently you're not getting it. I'm getting the emails. I'm getting all of them. Here we go. He said, he asked her to stop.

She refused, which means it could have been like, can you stop? Nope. Nope. Maybe can you do that outside? He said he told her that maybe she could go outside to text. She then left the theater and never came back. Okay. Problem solved.

Yeah. Great. Watch the movie. Enjoy. She also left in her car, which they had driven to the theater, leaving Brandon without a ride. So pulled your move. She pulled my move. She pulled your move.

So he needs to be suing for uber damages. Uber damage, yeah. To which I say, fine, leave. I don't, that's fine. We needed it to end. I'm all for her saying, I'm not waiting for your ass. Number one, I want to see this movie. Number two, you now have taken the distraction

and gotten rid of it sure thank you sure but but there is that singled out the old mtv show moment where you know when they turn them around and they see each other it's just like in one of their faces there's disappointment and that's what happened for this woman and she even though she may have seen a photo of him online she saw him in person didn't like his shoes or whatever her dumb reason was brown shoes at night and immediately she was like oh brown shoes at night brown shoes at night don't even at night whoa a guy wearing brown shoes at night i just i want to like talk to him you can't do this man daniel that is that is a highly sophisticated uh uh stance there is that i didn't expect to hear today i can't you this, man. Daniel, that is a highly sophisticated stance that I didn't expect to hear today.

I can't. I don't. If you're going day to night, I can give you some. He goes day to night. Yeah. Forgiveness. You can't wear brown shoes at night? No, you cannot wear brown shoes at night.

What about an ox blood? That's a little better. Look, here's the deal. What if you only own brown shoes? Well, then let's talk about these things. You need a new life view, here's the deal. What if you only own brown shoes? Well, then let's talk. You need a new life view, is what Dan said. I'm going to tell you guys, next time you're out,

just look at his shoes. Look at a man's brown shoes at night. I have brown shoes. I know, you can look great in brown shoes. If you're getting ready to go out at night, don't put on brown shoes. Listen to me. She saw the guy. She was disappointed. She wrote it off. She was trying to sabotage the date. So her whole thing was a passive aggressive. Yeah, yeah. She didn't want to be she saw the guy she was disappointed she wrote it off she was trying to sabotage the date so her whole thing was a passive-aggressive yeah yeah like his maybe but her she didn't want to be

rude to the server she was just trying to end the date yeah she was like give me a reason to get up and drive out of here just give me the slightest reason and the second he turned her to drive out of here this guy's we've been on a date for three hours and this guy hasn't said anything about my bullshit yeah yeah There we go. She was like, give me a reason to get up and drive out of here. And he just turned to her and said, maybe could you? She's like, yep. See you later.

I could. I definitely could. I will. He said, Brandon said he texted her a few days later asking for the price of the ticket, but she refused to pay it. That's, I mean, first move. By the way, and this speaks to most people's loss aversion. They can't cut their losses and be like, all right, that was a life experience.

I lived it. But he has to get that $17. Or this guy's amazing sense of humor. Yes. It could be hilarious. He could be hilarious. I could see Daniel doing that. Yeah, for sure.

Are you ready to fully be on his side? Yes. The woman said Tuesday she only texted on her phone in the theater two or three times. That's irrelevant. That's a lie, too. First of all, quote, this is what she said, quote, I had my phone low and wasn't bothering anybody except the person who asked you to stop. Who you're on a date with, giving no respect.

I wasn't bothering anybody. You mean other than the guy who's suing you because you wouldn't stop texting? Is he anybody? Two or three times does not bring a lawsuit. He was the most bothered person who's ever been in a movie theater. Yeah. Oh, my God. Then she said she was texting a friend who was having a fight with her boyfriend.

Quote, it wasn't like constant texting. Who cares? Who cares? You are on leave. Get and if it's so important you've all been she was like i was texting my sister because my mom broke her hip and was on her way to the hospital now you have a story because her friend was having a fight with her boyfriend or you can wait two hours or or do what he said which is excuse me i'll, I'll be right back. I've got to just deal with this really quickly. And I'm so sorry. I'll be right back.

Unless the fight with the boyfriend and the person is Ray Rice and the woman he punched in an elevator, this is not a situation you need to text with. Either way, leave. And if you are, you've got to go. You have to go help your friend. Please, please tell me what happens with this Taserface guy. I hope the home run is about it.

Exactly. I love his runner. I love the running line that he... She said Brandon had called her to ask her to pay him back for the movie ticket, but she refused because, quote, he took me out on a date. And she drove. Yeah, I guess. She had also planned to file a protective order against Brandon

for contacting her little sister to get the money for the movie ticket. Okay. Brandon. Oh, Brandon. Brandon. Shaking down a 12th grader. She's like nine years old at a bus stop. He's like, hey, how you doing?

You don't know me. My name's Brandon. I need about $17. Brandon went from a passive aggressive maybe to hitting up the family members for the money. Where there's a sister, there's a way. How much money do you get every day for lunch? I'll do this in two weeks.

I'm going to see you for the next six days. We'll do this for two weeks. She said she also planned to file a protective order for trying to get the little sister. He's shaking people down for this. According to the petition, the texting was, quote, a direct violation of the theater's policy, and his date was adversely affected,

and it adversely affected his viewing experience and that of other patrons. I will say, people who even try to be discreet or whatever don't understand how stadium seating is how stadium seating works and all it's like no you're not doing it no there was a lady on a date in a movie theater with me about four seats to my right who had pulled her sweater up over her head pulled her arms into her sweater and was texting inside her clothing her date sitting next to her and he and i are sharing looks yeah because she has turned her sweater into this glowing or if i'm him she's now the orb that trump was touching yeah in saudi

saudi orb if i'm him power or quietly as possible i get up and leave get out and see if i she just stays in her phone tent and doesn't even know she was in there for at least 45 minutes i mean unless she's watching chris so fuck that unless she's watching another movie or unless she's She was in there for at least 45 minutes. Fuck that, Chris. Fuck that and fuck these people. Unless she's watching another movie. Or unless she's watching the end of E.T. and recreating it. That moment where the heart light comes on. She was trying to watch Guardians of the Galaxy 1 to catch up. I don't know who this guy is.

Who are these people? Why does he like mixtapes so much? Oh my God. I mean, sometimes what I'll also do if a phone is ringing if you come if you sylvester stallone in it and you come up over the top hard enough in the theater you can get people because they don't know who's talking to them and so i'll also i'll throw out like a turn that shit off and people are like wow i don't even mess with it yeah it taps into like a parental thing yeah yeah yeah what did i do what did i do i'm a bad police thing i used to go super early to movies like i think if i thought if i went when there

was like four or five of us you set the tone no that it would be better but those people have less accountability oh yeah you gotta go at high time yeah sold out show that's why you gotta get your seat first yeah your seat first when people first When you have the protection of the crowd Around you You get a signed seat online And that way you don't have to show up until it's like you're ready Also if I'm Brandon Go get an usher to kick her out while you sit in your seat

And act like you don't know her By the way why don't more people at the beginning of things say Or the announcement says Please turn your phones off What Dan just said though is exactly what he should have done. He should have gone and got an usher. And sat back down. And sat back down.

Yeah, I don't know her. No, no, no. And then usher comes and is like, hey, you got to leave because I said there was no texting. And he's like, wait, he could fake fight it. Oh, my God. What are you talking about? She's my date. This is my date.

We're on a date. And she's like, she's got to go. No, she's my date. This is my date. We're on a date. And she's like, she's got to go. No, she's my ride. All right, I guess you give me your half of the money for the thing, and then we're good? Yeah. But in the Seinfeld version of this, he ends up winning the argument with the usher, and now they still have to spend the rest of the day. Right.

He oversells it. He oversells it. So did he win or lose? Was it thrown out of the courts? They don't say. did he win or lose was it thrown out of the courts uh they don't say um while damages sought are sought are modest the principle is important as the defendant's behavior is a threat to civilized society it is though it is though people think he's going overboard but i'm totally honest randy and i talk about this all the time comedy shows are one of the only one of the last public experiences where there's very little texting and as a community we

experience something together movies because the person's not there because you're not really quote-unquote disrespecting the actors although i feel like it but we feel like it because we're there but if a comedian's on stage and sees you texting you can kind of be a target and they can go after you and shame the shit out of you from everyone. And that fear, I think, scares a lot of people away from doing it at a comedy show. And as a result, we have this great communal experience.

Let me say this. If you're texting during Guardians of the Galaxy 2, I feel it. You guys feel it. I feel it at home. Yeah, his face is going to come at you. There's a moment where either in his knee, he feels it. He's like, either it's going to rain in an hour, or someone's texting during Guardians of the Galaxy 2. But that's why Comedy Works in Denver is so great,

because they take everybody's phone. And they put it in a... Yes, and then the best part, one of the best parts of those shows, is watching the audience before the show starts, because they're all just sitting around talking to each other. And they're all,

it is. They like interact, like no one has a phone. No one has a phone. They have these, yeah, they have the neoprene pouches when we were watching screenings,

like early screenings of Guardians. They tuck your phone in this thing. It magnetizes. It locks. And they lock it. You can still carry it. They don't want you to record it or any of these things. It would be perfect. We're all squarely on this dude's side.

I agree. I'm going to ask you guys right now. We usually do it. It seems to always happen with the men, but we're going to play How Old Is This Woman? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right?

Guess the age. Guess the age. Oh, yeah. Okay. And then we'll get out, after that, we'll get out on two two last quotes from her all right did we already find out how old brandon was i said it but i can't go back i can tell you if you want it's your call i did say it do you want to know how i wasn't

listening okay he is 37 years old he's 37 yes do you want to go first or last chris sullivan i will go first okay and he how old is let's call her emily i believe that this is even more inappropriate than it should be and i i think she's 23 23 yeah he should have known better yeah okay 23 jason and randy her saturn's returning She's 28. I'm going to say she's 30. Emily, as we just named her, is 35 years old. Oh, come on. 35. Eggs are drying up. So when they say

little sister, they mean younger sister. Her sister is like 31. Maybe, yeah, I guess. Little sister I thought was like 11th grade. Yeah. You can't say little. I can't tell you. That was the trick.

By the way, also, little brother. At what age do you go from like, this is my sister, instead of this is my little sister? Also, I'm trying to think of it from the perspective of the woman. Wouldn't you just be like, here's $17. Just stay out of my life. Like, if you're going to, no, he's,

I mean, this guy's, they both, but they both think they're right. That's the thing. You also got to know 35 year old woman still dating on apps. Well, so see,

well, yeah, but, but, but do women have a shorter shelf life fair or unfair in this dating world? I think they want to have kids. If they want to have children, the time is crunched. or unfair in this dating world I think they want to have kids if they want to have children the time is crunched she's in this thing she saw him was like this isn't the guy I'm 35 I got a cut bait right now you

have every right at any point in a day to go you know what no thanks this is actually on a tinder date yes it seems like people are like have shown up I've heard friends like show up and be like, yeah, sorry. We'll get out on this. Quote she said. This is her final quote and the final part of the story. Quote, I'm not a bad woman, she told the statesman. I just went on a date.

No, you ruined the date. Whether it was warranted or not. Maybe she'll learn not to text. Her behavior aside, if either one of these people, if you know these people, and you get them onto the Dumb People Town Facebook page. Tell your side of the story. And tell yours. Whoever tells their side of the story first, I will send Guardians of the Galaxy memorabilia

to you. Whoa! You heard it. You heard it. Facebook. We'll get an address. Sullivan's on the page. He's a friend of the page.

Facebook.com slash Dumb People Town. Check that out that all right first story down the books sully in the house dan van kirk is here guys dumb people town stay with us stick around make a sound there's more dumb people town All right, everybody, welcome back to Dumb People Town. If you, I mean, I feel like, thankfully, Chris Sullivan is on this show, so we can be the only people who are promoting Guardians of the Galaxy 2. I know, man. He will live off the residuals. So he gets some people out to the theaters.

Tremendous lack of promotion for that shit. It was almost like it came in the movie theater and I didn't even know it was coming. Yeah. It sneaks up on you. Was that your first time, I know you've been in movies and stuff, but was that your first time in a big movie seeing yourself 70 feet in a massive thing?

This is the first time I've been in a movie that made its money back in the first weekend. There you go. And by the way, that was a big budget film. That's not an easy thing to do. You are going to be well taken care of for a long time. We shall see. How did that come about?

We shall see. Not kidding. Because we hung out like a week before it was announced. And then you're like, dude, I'm so sorry. And I knew about it. You weren't allowed to say anything. You were like, I wanted to tell you so bad. We talked to AG way back then, too.

And he knew about it, but couldn't. Right. Because AG and I are like sidekicks for each other. How fun is that? Dude, it was so much fun. We got him named. We got his character a name because he was just dumb Ravager in the script. And all these Ravagers had names.

Taser Face, Kraglin, Tolk. And then we just decided that uh ag's character should just be named jeff and so we started calling him jeff and i think it even made it into the movie i think i yell at him i dare you i think you do too shut up jeff yeah and and we thought it was so funny it is funny that uh that james gunn finally was like well yeah that's where that's how he's credited so how did that come up was that literally the associate producer uh uh simon hat was a fan of the nick yeah love it they were having a hard time casting this role and i put myself on tape and that was it that's awesome yeah did they when you booked it were

like hey just so you know there's gonna be a lot of makeup no well no no i mean did you have to go do like a face like a yeah we did a full the full head cast yeah you're so you're breathing through a straw and they do the whole cat we did yeah that's crazy how was that that was scary if you're claustrophobic the moment the moment when all of it come all the paper mache or whatever that stuff comes down probably the fear for me was i stuff comes down. It's still a topic. The fear for me was, I don't know if I'm claustrophobic. Because you've never had your face encased in plaster before. So you're like, well, now we're going to find out.

Yeah. Were you? I managed it all right. You managed it okay. But yeah, it was a fun experience. Really cool, man. It was so cool. I'm so happy.

And I hope it leads to many, many, many more things. I'm sure it will. Yes. We have another story, Dan. Let's do another one. This was sent in by ComeOnMan at NotTomWheat. There's a lot. There's a lot going on.

I'm going to guess that it is Tom Wheat. Huge fan of T.J. Miller. It is Tom. Come on! Not T.J. Come on, man. This takes place. It might be a new one for us.

Dunbar, West Virginia. Oh! I'm surprised we don't. Is this a new state? Yeah, I'm surprised we don't have more stories from the west. We know we need. We need a map. Appalachia. You're right where I'm going, Grandma.

Where's all the places we've been in the RV? And the pins. Yep, we need a Dumb People Town pin map to know every state. Someone make that and post it on the dumb people down facebook page please uh okay here we go uh dunbar although for us it's probably dumb yeah hello uh too easy that's got to be a bar in dunbar right the dumb bar yeah uh dunbar police said oh this guy i remember reading it and just being like this guy i'm gonna tell you this we go the look on your face right now we go to the depths yeah we're not in the shallows we're in the depths we're in the deep end we're in the coal the coal

mine yeah you know like in like uh like in like I feel like this happens. Woody Allen and Coen brother movies so many times just have people who in efforts to make things better keep making them worse. They keep digging the hole. Yes, but they think they're digging out. Like a British TV series.

Keep digging the hole. Dunbar police said a burglary suspect told them he broke into a relative's home to recharge his phone you've already made one mistake yeah and then he stole her security system because he didn't want her to see him on camera when he masturbated to pornography wait a minute you gotta do something while your phone is charging. Takes a long time. Yeah.

Look at this. Think of this process. I only have one bar. I need to charge my phone. Yeah. Where can I do it? Where can I do it? Could I do it at the Subway restaurant, which is a used term?

His mistake was not going to the Dunbar Apple store. Yeah. Yes. Who has a cable that fits my phone and who has an electricity bill that's up to date i have a nokia pebble right pebble he might be a push you hear nokia's re-releasing the 3310 no the original like a brick phone yeah the little one yeah they are they really are just as as this is not a bit As an attempt to tap into nostalgia? Yeah.

Nostalgia. No, so that everybody's like. Has little buttons on the bottom. Yeah, everybody's like baby boomer uncle can be happy again. Or it's like the new fidget block. You just use that. Those things are amazing. Fidget square.

Fidget spinner. Fidget spinner. I've never touched one or seen one. They're the most fun things to play with. Really? They are highly satisfying what is so satisfying? you spin it and let it spin

and it never stops spinning and the sound of it is amazing the feel of it, the weight of it but I feel like somebody and I want to say it's probably Breitbart is putting them out in the world to get us off of thinking about things that's how it works, it's a big distraction they're're soothing i see kids in line with them just spinning them and

just kind of like being just in space looking around magic really it's magical my son loves him but i will say this i think this guy wanted to masturbate first okay but he and he needed a spot he needs to charge his phone so then he he decides, my only option is to break into a relative's home. Well, that's where the porn is. And then once in there, starts to masturbate. To porn online? I'm saying this front door was open. He didn't care.

It's all about the window. He knows where the key is. I'm saying figuratively, this guy's front door is always open. I'm about to tell you guys, he is in the running for top shelf of names that we've had. I cannot wait to hear it. He's the mayor of Dunn-People Town. Wellington Billsley III. It's even more on brand than that.

John Flotto. Jan. Brad Gruff. Tristan. Torrell. Yeah. Tucker. Come on! Tristan Torrell Tucker Come on Tristan Tucker

Triple T Son of a bitch Triple T You get in here You got your tri-tip in here Son of a bitch Tri-tip They call me tri-tip

Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T

Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T

Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T

Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T

Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T

Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T

Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T

Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T Triple T It's a triple T night. You know what rhymes with Tucker. You know what rhymes with Tucker. Tell you right now, I'm about to drink this Mondew cold red and I'm going to kick some ass.

Triple T and the place to be. Oh my God. Y'all know what triple T likes? Y'all know what triple T likes? Tristan is so delicate. Tristan, what was the middle one? Torrell. Tristan Torrell.

Tucker. Tucker. Now Tristan Torrell. Tucker. Tucker. Now, Tristan Torrell. What? You call me T-Truck. I know it's Tug, but you call me T-Truck. T-Truck. Why don't you back that T-Truck back here?

Tristan Torrell. T-3. Tucker. My name's Tucker, and I'm here to fuck her. Yeah, T-3, bitch. Fuck her and I'm here to fuck her. T3, bitch. Tristan Terrell Tucker of St. Albans was charged Thursday with daytime burglary.

That's a charge. Daytime burglary. Do you think daytime is less or more than nighttime burglary in West Virginia? I think it's more because people are like, that's stupider. After an incident was reported April 23rd on Dunbar Avenue in Dunbar. It's going to the heart. According to a criminal complaint filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court, Dunbar police said the relative said she believed Tucker had broken into her home. Why?

Because he had done it several previous times. So he was the reason for the security system. Exactly. He's why she got the security which doesn't seem to be working very well no right i mean if he's if i know he's i'm getting nanny cams teddy bear cam i'm literally wiring my house it was just an old video camera sitting on top of the tv right yeah like vhs tape loader yeah of course uh like an old news guy that's what he took with on your shoulder police said tristan terrell

tucker told them he broke through the window using a glass breaking tool he had a glass breaking tool if you are walking around during the day with a glass breaking tool well i'm about to tell you how he had it and it's going to make even more sense to you about tristan terrell tucker he had the glass breaking tool on the end of his pocket knife because he wanted to charge his cell phone. Yes. I love that you're acting like this is weird. Jason. It's that spike, right? It's that spike at the end of the multi-tool.

Yeah, the little spike. Oh, I see it as like a thingy cuts a circle and then, you know, just pops it right out. Those, along with Dobermans and Quicksand, had their heyday in the 80s. Oh, yeah. Remember? It was like 80s movies had Dobermans, Quicksand, had their heyday in the 80s. Oh, yeah. Remember? It was like 80s movies had Dobermans, Quicksand, and then those little circles. The loss of Quicksand in this world

is the reason we should still be in the Paris Agreement. Yes. That's what I'm saying. I agree. We're using Quicksand. The Quicksand is drying up. I was just watching Blazing Saddles. I was like, oh, yeah, Quicksand.

They start the movie out with some Quicksand. Am I wrong, or is the world rising? So good. So good. So she knows why he did it because he's done it before. He had a glass breaking tool on the end of his knife and he wanted to charge his cell phone.

While inside the residence, he said he started watching pornography on the phone. And you're saying that was his intent from the jump? Yes. Or did he just be like, well, if it's going to show up. He's probably jerking off in his car. His phone died.

He's like, oh, my favorite part. I'm close. I'm close. He was close. What do I do? What do I do? I got to finish this off. I don't have a charger.

So he starts watching his phone. Then he began to masturbate. Yeah. Okay. The complaint said. That's a weird choice to masturbate to the phone. This could be a commercial for an Android. He couldn't find the remote.

Yeah. Yeah. But you got, but like you're holding the phone. Yeah. Well, you only need one hand. Well, maybe you don't. I guess that's true. But like, God, that's a lot of multi, like there was a time.

You think he was like leaning it up against the throw pillow? Definitely. You had to lean it. But like. A mantle. Because remember when Sheryl Crow had to do like the national anthem for some for the world series and we all masturbated to that no no no but she and she had to do so many things she had to like hold the guitar and playing a harmonica she had the mic she had to come out she had to do too many things like you if you're

masturbating that should be your focus you shouldn't have to know the angle of holding that's some reggie watts routine right thank you it seems like he's doing too much he's on wawa pedals and everything the complaint said that tristan terrell tucker told police he stole the security cameras and the dvr box i don't understand what this is a high level security system xfinity cable has to do with her security it's running straight into a hard drive yeah And the DVR box from the home because he didn't want his relative to see him masturbating on camera. Don't masturbate

in her house. He has no shame and then he suddenly has a lot of shame. Yes, exactly. That's generally the order of things. He's like, y'all, once I got the demon out of me I realized how wrong I'd been. So then I collected everything up and I left. If ever there was an argument for not getting security cameras, this is it.

I don't think it was a security camera at all. I think he just started stealing equipment. It was an old disposable camera. We were going to wait for the orange light. Remember when we used to all wait for an orange light? And he thought that was the security. Like the old Logitech ball. Yeah, that too. And it's probably recording onto this thing.

This box. Yeah, he just starts removing all... Electronics. That has a plug. Let's get that. Police said he told officers he took the cameras. This is where it starts to get fargoish he took the he told officers he took the cameras behind a store and stomped on the dvr and then

threw everything into the river so it could not be recovered he is thorough like a dead body i mean if he would put as much time into... Masturbating as he does into making the evidence... Or looking for a job. By the way, if he hadn't told anyone, no one would have known he was masturbating. No. Right? The window break might have tipped off to watch the security cameras.

But they're all in the river. No, but were there other cameras? So there's no evidence. And he's like giving himself up. Who is he confessing to? Well, I masturbated and I tried to get rid of it. Like you could have just said, I broke the window and I felt bad. And then I just tried to cover it up.

Like you could have skipped the whole middle part. He is not ashamed about masturbating in this house. He's ashamed that someone might have seen it. I feel bad about breaking that window. I'm going to ask you guys right now. How old? How old is Tristan Terrell Tucker, y'all?

Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. You can go first or last. I'll go last this time.

Okay. 10 years per T. He's 30. 30 years old. 10 per T. 10 per T. I think this cat's 56 years old. And I'm not kidding.

56 is solid. 56-year-old carries a multi-tool. Thank you. A multi-tool. 56-year-old carries a multi-tool. Yes. Because you never know. Because you never know.

Tristan is a name. is 39 39 sold tristan terrell tucker for all of our people playing home there's your time to guest he is 27 years old randy with the closest tucker is currently being held at the south central regional jail on ten thousand dollar bond or ten percent cash so if anybody's got that head on down there head on down there head on be there masturbating tristan terrell tucker triple triple imagine you know that he was like i gotta get this i gotta be security cameras i mean the crazy thing is that he just did it to his i mean i guess he knew his cousin or aunt or would have a charger just laying around right right and then he decided after but it does isn't this members that commercial in the in the uh super bowl where like people are doing something

amazing and they want to take a video of it and then like the wheel starts going because it's about to shut down on the thing this is it i think he has the wheel starts going because it's about shut down on the thing. This is it. I think he has the full charger on him. He's just looking for an outlet. He needs a mobile charger. Just picture him

standing in front of or behind that business after stomping all the equipment being like, I don't think it's good enough. I gotta get rid of it.

We gotta get this stuff wet. And then throws it into the river. Throw it in the river. And each time he stomps he's saying something else to it. I told you!

Yeah. Never! I! No, and I should probably masturbate on this stuff. Yeah. And then throw it in the river. And then confess to that.

And then confess to that. Triple T! Gotta get it wet. It's like the scene from Office Space where they're just destroying the fax machine. Yeah.

It's that. I love it. It's that. Triple T, we down. Two segments down. We come back. One more story and a special voicemail, maybe coming from the great beyond.

Not even the great beyond, but this great galaxy of ours. It's Dumb People Town. Chris Sullivan, Dan Van Kirk, stay with us. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Also, we say it all the time, but join the Facebook page, follow it, like it. On iTunes, if you guys could just leave us a five-star rating and review it, that always helps keep us in the mix

up top yeah if you haven't done that yet please do please do yeah all right you guys ready for the last story this was saying by kyle speicher s-p-e-i-c-h-e-r is that where you go you go spiker depends on what part of the country i know uh he also has an American flag emoji in there. At TV Kyle. Thanks, Kyle. Thank you. Wilkes Bar? Bear? I don't know. We say bar. Yeah?

Wilkes Bar? I don't even know what state this is. Maybe we'll find out when we read it. A man, seen with his pants down, allegedly defecated on the top step of a church on Wednesday. That is... That's his contribution to the protest? Leaving a little something for Jesus. That's his protest? Yeah, I mean, that's the uniform in Dumb People Town, right?

Just pants down. Doesn't matter what you're wearing if your pants are down. James Robert Russell. Jim Bob, if you will. James Robert Russell. Three first names. Jim Bob Russ. Just be happy he's shitting on top of a church step

and not killing people and putting them in a freezer. I hope his name is James Robert Russell, but he wants to be called Rusty. He derives his nickname from his last name. James Robert Russell could easily be Jim Bobby Ross. Jim Bobby Russ.

And it's just character actors, serial killers, and people in Dumb People Town that go by all three names. Jim Bob Russ. Yeah. And it's just character actors, serial killers, and people in Dumb People Town that go by all three names. All three. Yes. Jim Bob Russ. He was seen around 1.03. Around.

Literally, that's what he said. And then a very specific time. Yes. It was approximately. He was seen around 1.03 p.m. at the corner of North Main and Maple Streets. That's afternoon. After afternoon shitting on a church step wow you're you want to be arrested so this is daytime defecation yes if he could not as bad as nighttime defecation if he could do it do you think bill maher would do the same thing

yeah just shit on church steps yes yeah i think you would i mean the good news is that people really don't take churches that seriously in this country. Sure, there'll be no repercussions for this guy. Russell, who appropriately, just because it feels like it, was carrying a blue bag and a blue milk crate. Why? Where? Who knows? What?

He matched the description provided by a witness of a man seen with his pants down. When police, who you're going to find out really didn't want to do any work, talked to him, they said he couldn't focus on their questions and continually ate from a large container of strawberries. Well, at least he's eating healthy. By the way, power move. Because you can't, because of the leaves. Wait, do you eat them? I know some people who eat whole strawberries.

No. They'll eat the leaves and everything. I'll eat a whole peanut, though. Which makes your life so much easier if you do. I'll eat a whole peanut, though. I'll just shell and all. You'll go shell? I'll go shell and all if I need to.

Wow. Every once in a while. Every once in a while. I knew a guy in Rochelle, Illinois. Jay LaRue, he ran the mobile church out at the Petro truck stop. He would eat the bones. Of what? Chicken was gonna say people no how do you do that he would have a drum leg finish it off and then okay start breaking down the bone and he would eat chicken bones he lived to be 142 he shat out like j larue he was like he Jay LaRue, he was like a biker version of Robert Duvall.

Yeah. I mean, really, just really like, I'm going to tell you. It was Jay LaRue eats the bones. Yeah. That's actually a very good Jay LaRue. Jay LaRue don't waste nothing. What was the Cleveland restaurant? Greenhouse Tavern?

Yeah. From across the street from Hilarity's in Cleveland? Yep. They made chicken wings that they cooked for so long at such a high temperature that you could eat the bones. What? And they were really good. What? Really good.

So they were like boneless bone-in wings? Oh, they were great. So good. You both ate the bones. Best wings I've ever had. And then we went to a church and shit on the top step. Is that weird? You were saying this is a pro-power move of this guy.

To eat the strawberries. To eat strawberries is like you're just there. Like you just went to a farmer's market. You know what I mean? You don't have a care in the world. You pick it up and just by holding it by the thing, you're holding it in the way someone holds an afternoon teacup. And then you just take it and then you just eat it and maybe a little bit of stuff dribbles down so you take out a handkerchief from your milk crate and you just sorry what yeah in my mind of this story too you that guy are you doing that is being asked a question and minimum

45 seconds before you answer oh one of my two strawberries one of my favorite scenes in the in the movie vacation was brian doyle murray as the motel owner and he's eating the watermelon and he has a handkerchief that he's spitting the seeds into and he doesn't lie at the very line he's like you need our address why didn't your address spit we should we like to send out a mailer so good but it was like the eating of that must have been so i'm always so much more comfortable when i'm eating in a scene that we're should like always having something to do helps. Something like, in the Nick, you were always pouring alcohol. You were drinking a beer.

Throw me an apple. Throw me an apple. I'll eat an apple. I will be the most natural I've ever been if I'm eating something in a scene. Isn't it Ocean's Eleven or Ocean's Twelve where Brad Pitt's eating in every single scene? Every single time you see him, he's eating something. At one point, he's holding an entire shrimp cocktail and dipping it.

That's funny. He's eating in every scene. Which by the way, continuity nightmare for whoever's running that nightmare. You gotta have 12 new ones prepared. And he just is eating all day long. I guarantee you Brad Pitt

spit all that stuff out. Who was the guy talking about the guy in the curly-haired kid? Rich Little. No. Come on. Richard Simmons. No, no.

Gene Simmons. Who's a vegetarian. He had to eat that steak. Man, I could throw this football over that mountain over there. John Grease? John Grease, yeah. He was a vegetarian. And in that scene, man, I could throw this football.

Napoleon Dynamite. I could throw this football over that mountain. He's eating a steak the whole, yeah. It was a vegetarian, and in that scene, man, I could throw this football, Napoleon Dynamite, I could throw this football over that mountain. He's eating a steak the whole time, and he's a vegetarian. And so every single time they cut, he spit all of it out into like a towel and threw it out. We like to shit out a mailer. Yeah. We like to shit out a mailer. So police talked to him.

They said he couldn't or wouldn't focus on their questions and continually ate from a large container of strawberries. Again, I kind of like him that he did that. James Robert Russell, who denied pulling down his pants, was allowed to leave. Wow! The cops, you've got a guy walking around eating strawberries and carrying a milk crate.

I wish there was a way we could take one of your strawberries, get your DNA, scoop up the human poop, and match it. And he matched the witness report and they were like, he's like,

one million. They're like, all right. You know, he's like, I don't know nothing. Yeah. He'd already taken

the security system. Officers returned to the location. I love you, Griswold. You want my street? Please. Why do you need my address for?

We like the sun out in Manila. It was still in his mouth. No, he spit it out first. Please. All right. That's it. Sorry. I loved it.

Don't you apologize for anything fun we do on Don't Keep the Town? We're in the town, baby. Officers returned to the location. So they go find the guy who matches the description. He strawberry big times them. Strawberries them. I bet he's got Sherry's berries, too. Like big thick ones with chocolate on the bottom.

With a swizzle. He's got a swizzle. He's got Stone Cold Steve Austin's promo code to buy them. Yeah, I got a swizzle on here. to buy them yeah i got a swizzle on here oh answer enter stone cold at checkout at sherrysberries.com what uh officers return to location so now they're like well i guess we go back they're like they see they simultaneously didn't want to really do their job and then also have nothing else to do that is the church at this point right y'all we still got shit on the steps here. And you know,

you know that pastor works that into the next week's sermon. When there's shit on the step, there is love in your heart. Yes. Jesus Christ. Officers returned to the location where they spoke to a witness who said the suspect, quote,

pooped on the steps. Fine. Guys, just the quotation of a story in Dumb People Town, all it says in quotes, pooped on the steps. I was like, you're in Dumb People Town. Yes, welcome. Upon closer inspection to the location of where the pooping happened, police observed human feces on the top step of the church

surrounded by... Strawberries. ...eaten strawberries. Have eaten strawberries. This is like detective work. This is like the fact that he's leading. The Hansel and Gretel

of shitting. The poop thickens, guys. The poop thickens. I hope, wow. I hope it was, at least. Meanwhile, Are there seeds? A block and a half way

or hopefully, in my mind, within 50 feet. You can see him from the steps just eating strawberries watching yeah just little half strawberries all the way down the street like a trail yeah after after finding the half-eaten strawberries it's uh safe to say they just say it here james robert russell jim bob russ has been charged police did not not say what church the incident occurred at.

I think this should just be the curious case of the strawberry shitter. How is that not? What do they do when someone throws up? The latest lemony snicket. The curious case of the strawberry shitter. Look, what do they throw up in elementary school? Strawberry salt. Strawberry salt.

Yeah. He was just trying to handle the situation that he created. throw up in elementary school. Strawberry salt. Strawberry salt. Yeah. He was just trying to handle the situation that he created. Organically, without using chemicals. I remember when kids would throw up. Remember our janitor in school, Bill Newcomb? Bill Newcomb. Bill Newcomb would come super thin. Newcomb.

Bill Newcomb. Yeah, Bill. Bill Newcomb would come in and just throw a bunch of strawberry salt. I just remember the feeling. He would throw strawberry salt at every problem. You try and strawberry salt that shit away. Literally. Which means to me, Jim Bob Ross, in doing that, like,

said to himself, throwing the strawberries on his shit, close enough. Close enough. I really think this episode needs to be called The Curious Case of the Strawberries. It also means, guys, that the cops first went to the location, then talked to Jim Bob Ross, then went back, and it wasn't until the second time they noticed the strawberries.

I mean, he was doing everything he could to get caught. Yes. The guy wanted to get caught. Shitting on a church step at one in the afternoon and then throwing the evidence you're going to continue to carry around with you is a cry for an arrest. Well, I'm going to make a statement about religion that might get me in trouble. Uh-oh. At Sklar Brothers. At Sklar Brothers. a cry for an arrest well i'm gonna make a statement about religion that might get me in trouble but at sclar brother christianity is a religion that is values redemption and forgiveness forgiveness

and redemption so for him to go out there and do that sets him up sure for a tremendous i accept jesus this is i oh yeah his i will redeem myself testimony is strong when he gets up and tells the story of i used to go out and eat strawberries and shit on the top step and now i'm in here for sunday mass y'all no i'm in here i used to be like y'all i used to be out there on the top step of the lord's doorway just defecate all over it i've, Stuart. I'm just pooping and y'all looking at me, you're poopers too. I'm a pooper, but not in the problem. Y'all are poopers.

Y'all poop every day of your life throwing strawberries at your problems. Dale, give him the snake to hold. Y'all want a snake. Now I want you to come up here one by one and I'm going to hit you

with this poop jacket and you're going to feel the power of the Lord. Honey, let's just go. He feeds everyone strawberries instead of the cracker of Christ. Look, that's the combo. That's the blood and body of Christ.

I've never heard in my life, and we are not going to skip over it, the cracker of Christ. The Christ cracker. Jesus Christ on a cracker. Yeah, Jesus Christ on a cracker. I will say, when I was a kid, they would give us cubed pieces of white Wonder Bread. And when you are 8, 9, 10 years old, that is the greatest piece of bread. A little cube of just white bread and then some grapefruit or just grape juice. I grew up in a very small Methodist church, and they would bring around a big, crusty loaf of French bread.

And me and my brother, just a full handful, like right down the middle. Get the Sullivan boys away from the loaf. Some unapproving like one of your grandma's friends named Dorothy just being like those goddamn Sullivan boys.

There's never anything left when they get to the back row. It's all crust in the back because the Sullivan boys are scooping out the inside. I'm going to say I'm going to leave a comment. They take too much

of the flesh of the Lord. That's it. They're taking too much of the flesh of the Lord. It's not a bread bowl. I get it. We're all supposed to consume

jesus and look at them now they're six foot five six foot six yeah it's too much for you guys bring your own butter yeah the sullivan boys are up there olive oil and vinegar i'll tell you what there's someone in your church now like i'll tell you what too much jesus you know what that gets you taser face speaking of all right speaking of taser face uh he left us a voicemail left us a what that gets you? Taserface. Speaking of! Alright. Speaking of Taserface. He left us a voicemail. Left us a voicemail. Apparently he wants to start submitting stories, but he doesn't know how. Let's take a listen.

I don't know, Jeff. It's ringing. Give me a second. Hello. Sklar Brothers. Their name is Sklar. What kind of name is Sklar? Listen, I am sailing through this galaxy.

And we are trying to submit stories to your podcast. We're trying to figure out what this hashtag situation is because I've got a man on my ship named Jeff that is the dumbest man in the universe. That's right, Jeff. And boy, do I have stories to tell you. His pants are down 50% of the time. He's walking around this ship drooling with his buttocks out. So if I could, I need to hashtag D, D, Daniel V. Dan Van. Some idiotic name. Please tell me. My number is Ox

47 Slach Please return my call as soon as you can. Again. This is Taserface! Wow. I didn't catch the number.

No, the number I'm gonna... Well, we'll get back. I like his enthusiasm. We can star 69 him, maybe? I don't know. Does that still work? I don't think it does. But you got a lot of enthusiasm.

Yes, I feel like he's living in a dumb people town. There'll be some great stories on that ship with Jeff. So, all right, we'll give it a try. We'll see it. Hey, if he listens... That's canon, by the way. Yeah. Randy, that's canon.

That is. And listen to me. Sorry, if he listens... That's canon, by the way. Yeah. Randy, that's canon. That is. And listen to me. Sorry. Hashtag, it's DPP... It's Dumb People Town. No, what do they hashtag it, Dan? Dumb People Town. Dumb People Town.

Hashtag Dumb People Town. That's simple. Taserface, if you're listening, hashtag Dumb People Town. And we're good. And you're good. You can send them to at Dumb People Town or at Daniel Van Kirk. Yeah, at DPP Podcast, at Daniel Van Kirk. We'll find it. If you hashtag daniel van kirk we'll find it

if you hashtag dumb people town we will find it send it send the stories thank you for sending all these stories and maybe we can get a story from taser face

at some point I would love it that would be great chris sullivan thank you for joining us my pleasure thanks for having me people can follow you

on twitter yeah at sullivan tweet at sullivan tweet instagram you do a great job on instagram you are a great follow on instagram oh no

I'm off instagram you're. I'm off Instagram. You're off? I'm off now. You were so good for so long. I'm narrowing it down. Social media was coming too much for me, man. Okay, but you were so good for so long. So we'll just follow you on Twitter, and we'll do it that way.

And watch him on all his great stuff. This Is Us. Yeah, we get back to shooting the end of July, season two, coming your way. Fantastic, dude. You were great on that. And, of course, Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Get it on DVD. get out to the theaters guys we really want this

to do well yeah I mean look it's a little movie that could this is us this is us this is us telling you this is us telling you

to do that Chris I thought you were great in The Drop yeah thanks so much yeah I love it nobody messes with my bar you know

I know I know alright guys that's it dumb people town enjoy that cracker of Christ enjoy your cracker of Christ. And God damn it, let's get back to work.