Dumb People Town - Corinne Fisher & Krystyna Hutchinson - A Toddler in an Adult Sleeping Bag

Episode Date: March 13, 2018

This week, Corinne Fisher & Krystyna Hutchinson (Guys We Fucked) join the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in a live episode of Dumb People Town! In Story #1, two men fight for the title of World's Biggest Penis. In Story #2, a man is found drunk and naked l...

It's a good show! Hello everyone, and welcome to Dumb People Town! Please welcome to the stage, Jason Sklar, not worth it, we're gonna save them I'm gonna make things up, I'm gonna go last and clear Podcasts are in, with polls coming down And girls, don't be a jerk, no second thoughts And just the money gets in, we are gonna take it all Stick around, hear the sound, stick around Go down, go down, it's Dumb People Town

There you go! Hello! You ready? Hello, Brooklyn! Here he goes! I'm gonna do it. Hey, townies, welcome to a live episode of Dumb People Town!

Population U! Oh, yeah. It feels so good to be in New York. We flew into LaGuardia Airport, which basically feels like your uncle's house where nothing works. Nothing fucking works. So you gotta jiggle the toilet handle

while you're taking a shit in there. He doesn't have TV. He has old newspapers. Entertain yourself. I love it. The hipster vibe is alive and well in Brooklyn. I can feel it in here. The craft beards, they're everywhere.

Tremendous beard oils. Although, we got recognized when we were in Tulsa. It was so nice on the street. Because sometimes we get recognized, it's great. Sometimes, we were in Tulsa, Oklahoma. This nice on the street. Because sometimes we get recognized, it's great. Sometimes we were in Tulsa, Oklahoma. This was so sweet. And a pickup truck saw us. We were walking.

And walking down the sidewalk, and a pickup truck came over to us, rolled down the window, looked at the two of us, and said, get out of here, Jews. You know, it was just nice to be recognized for your work. For the work you've done. Yeah, it just feels good.

You know, we like to start off. Wait, I left my phone in the back. I got to get this because I wrote some good ones. God, James. What is wrong? Top notch. At Sklar Brothers.

At, you know you guys have that power tonight. I'm, you know, what's interesting is we haven't really done a show in New York for a while. I'm very excited to actually come here

and do a show. So for all of our fans, you back, Jay? I'm surprised you didn't get your flip phone. Jason, everybody. He's Jason. So of course, you know, when we do a live show, we always like to pay homage to the honorary mayor

of Dumb People Town. Maybe I would say the spirit animal of Dumb People Town. We're of course talking about a man who was part of a story, one of the first stories that we told here, and for the people who maybe may or may not know here, his name is Jan Flato. Flato.

It's Flato. It's Jan Flato. It's Flato, but we... You say Flato, we say Flato. I like to say this. We love Jan Flato. We make jokes about Jan Flato. That's right.

So for those who don't know, he was in a story, a brief history. He was in a story. He himself was with his Russian girlfriend. Why Robert Mueller isn't investigating him, I have no idea. Follow the money. So he was at a casino with her, and he put $100 into a slot machine. She pressed the button. They won $100,000.

Then she took the money and ran. And we literally jumped on his side. We were really for him after we eviscerated the way he looked. And yeah, we shit all over him. And so we've been on his side. But then he joined the Facebook page, and he comments on other stories. If you want to dialogue with Jan, Flato, Plato. We've been on his side, but then he joined the Facebook page, and he comments on other stories. He is now... If you want to dialogue with Jan Flato,

just join Flato. Just hit the Facebook page. But what we like to do when we do live shows is make snap judgments about Jan Flato. Or just try and find out a little bit more about the man that we know as Jan Flato. Can we get a photo of Jan Flato, Flato? There she is.

I mean, how there isn't a calendar of this guy is beyond me. This picture, and this is on the Facebook page for anybody who will be listening in the future. This proves that no matter where Jan Plato goes, he is against the wind. Look at him. Well put. Against the wind. We've come up with just some Jan Flato-isms that we thought we'd share with you right now.

Jan Flato, because of his hair, thinks that he can use the hashtag Me Too. He can. He can. Jan Flato was breastfed. Sorry. Jan Flato. Plato.

Was breastfed into his teens. Jan Flato owns two basement sump pumps but doesn't have a basement. Dan, you got one? Jan Flato has binoculars in his car. So good. Go ahead. Jan Flato not only bought a zoo,

he sold it for a loss. Jan Flato is not concerned at all about his muffin top. Oh, all right. Wow. Backlash on Randy. Jan Flato doesn't put milk on his cereal, eggnog. All right. Jan Flato, while not a card-carrying member of the AARP,

likes to tell people all the time that they don't know ARP. Jan Flato does not have to be asked to braid your hair. Jan Flato has seen every episode of the show Royal Pains. Jan Flato often seen every episode of the show Royal Pains. Jan Flato often dreams in Portuguese, which is weird because in his words, he's never been to Morocco. Jan Flato turned down season one of Storage Wars. Jan Flato always carries three extension cords in his trunk

just in case. Jan Flato has adopted three highways that he visits on alternating weekends. Jan Flato was kicked out of a Dave & Buster's for taunting kids at an air hockey table. When he has to poop, Jan Flato will announce to the room that he's about to take the Browns

to the Super Bowl. Jan Flato thinks cough syrup never expires. When at a restaurant, Jan Flato will jokingly ask the waiter to add gluten to his entree. Jan Flato will often tell customer service that he's

recording the call. I think we end on that one. We love you, Jan. I love you, buddy. Hope you and your mom are doing great. That's right. Not a joke. We love him.

He's fantastic. We are so excited. I think as we do, we like to jump right in. We have two great guests who are on the show. Jason and I did their amazing podcast, Guys We Fucked. It is so good. I love listening to it. There's stuff on there that I listen to that I discover. I'm like, oh, really?

There's a woman who can just, guys call up, and she ignores them and gets paid? That's awesome. That's unbelievable. Shit's amazing. They are our friends. They're really funny. They're going to help us out tonight. Please welcome Corinne Fisher and Christina Hutchinson.

All right. Coming through. Yeah, you guys. Here, you sit there. You sit there. These guys are amazing. Hello. Welcome. I love that we embraced like we weren't just hanging out one minute ago back there.

That's okay. You guys New Yorkers through and through. Yeah. What does that even mean? I feel like you guys represent New York in so many ways. Because we're whores? Yes. We're mean sluts? I don't know.

I love that you guys came on stage and somehow it got like there's less feminine energy from when Randy and I were on stage. We need to balance out the feminine energy that's coming from your fucking sweaters. Hey, hey. For the listener at home, Jason is dressed like half a Big Bird.

I liked it. Oh, I like it too. That was a compliment. Thank you. That's good. It's Charlie Brown chic. Yeah, thank you. I'm the son from Raisin Bran.

By the way, I did mean that. I feel like I learn something whenever I listen to your guys' podcast. Us too, honestly. Right, there's stuff. There are sexual kinks out there that you guys don't, you're not afraid to go through that forest

and uncovering people. And you guys are always so open-minded. What's the weirdest thing that you guys, and I know you don't want to put a judgment on it, but what's the weirdest thing you guys saw or have spoken to someone and found out about? Well, we just got, I mean, this is weird. This is also very uncomfortable.

We got an email from a pedophile. Ooh. And I mean, there's one in the room statistically. Yeah. Wait a minute. Probably more than one. Hang on a second. Who is ever laughing the hardest right now?

Look for the guy with extra wine coolers. There's a note in my truck that says this is wrong. So what did you do? How do you handle that? I just read it, and I don't know. It's weird. We've gotten emails from rapists

oh that's nice we've asked for them though because it's like we hear from people who've been sexually assaulted I want to hear from the other person now right

to try and figure out are most of those people still on AOL.com no well one was but the other on prodigy

a rapist and a loser no but a lot of them they make fake email addresses, which is, you know, understandable. I guess. It's weird, though, because I want their perspective to try and get a better understanding of why this is an epidemic, but also I hate them,

but also I'm glad that they were honest with us, but also they're rapists. You want to rip the shit out of them. Yeah, every moment they're writing to us, they're not raping someone. I feel like we're really distracted. Keep writing. We distracted that pedophile for a good 15 minutes at least.

That's amazing. You guys started the whole Keep Em Typing campaign. Hashtag Keep Em Typing. Well, we believe here on this podcast. You just ask them constantly, what library are you writing? Tell me more.

No, so on this podcast, we believe that the world is getting dumber. I really do believe. It's so true. It's either getting dumber or dumber is getting louder, or as Jason likes to put it, dumb and smart are fighting, and dumb just has dumb strength. Yeah, it's just beating the shit out of smart. And so we get stories sent to us by our wonderful townies,

our dumb ears on the ground. Dan has the stories. We have never heard them, just like you guys have never heard them. Cool. Dan has barely seen them. Yep. But he's going to break them down, and we're going to get it. Shall we get into one?

You want to do one? You want to do a story? You want to do a story? I think we have to. This one's sent in by Neutron212. If you need to know how to spell Neutron, look it up. At Neutron212. Thanks, Neutron.

All right, here we go. The man once thought to have the world's biggest penis has branded the Mexican thought to overtaken him. That sounds racist. He's branded that man who says he's overtaken him as disgusting for cheating to gain extra length. Okay. John Falcon.

If that's not a porn name, I don't know what is. Oh, I read it wrong. Is this part of... This is how bad I am at this. I read his name wrong. Jonah Falcon. Oh, well, that's... Now it sounds like someone from our Hebrew school.

You know the Falcons? From camp. Is this another one of those the Mexicans are coming and taking our jobs situation? The Mexicans are coming and stealing our penis length. Our big penis jobs. Jonah Falcon from New York. Yes! Everything's bigger from New York. Yes!

Everything's bigger in New York. Is he here? Show your dick. She just asked if he was here. Take the B train. You can see him. That's what he calls his penis. The D train.

And as he's having sex, he says, yes, I'm making all local stuff. He is famed for having a 13 and a half inch penis. Who wants that? You said up, right? What are you doing? That's what I said. Or as I like to call it, no one's happy with this.

No, thank you. No, thank you. I like to call it bye. Yeah. That's like having a house with rooms with nothing in it. Yes. You're just like, why are we even? that's like having a house with like rooms with nothing in it I have a friend who well it's not her

business for me to say her name but she was in college and she hooked up with a basketball player and they went back to her apartment and he took his pants off and she looked at his penis and went I'm sorry no we've both done that I almost had one one nightnight stand in my life.

His penis was too big, and I was like, that's not going to fit. I got to go. As the guy, at that moment, you kind of feel good about yourself because you're like, that was just acknowledged. It's too big. But then you're like, this sucks. You can't have sex.

This is not going to happen. Honestly, what's better, having a penis that's frighteningly large that no one wants to have sex with you because of that, or having a smaller one? I don't know. Having a smaller one. But if you have a smaller one, you can probably do anal. Definitely.

Not mince words. You can do whatever you want. I'll let you do anal if you got a little one. It's like that little dragon rollercoaster that kids go on. Anybody can get on. There's no reason to be scared. Yes, you're right. You're absolutely right. And if you're in the mood, it's going to be scared. Yes, you're right. You're absolutely right. And if you're in the mood,

it's going to be fine. But if it's too big, all it can do is smack you in the face. You can't put it in your mouth. You can't put it in any of the holes. No. You can't even anger fuck each other. No. You can't where you're like, I'm going to fuck you. You're like, I don't know you. You can't do any of that stuff. I think it's like, everyone

loves a couple mini dill pickles, but no one's going to eat like four know you. You can't do any of that stuff. I think it's like everyone loves a couple mini dill pickles, but no one's going to eat like four giant pickles. You know? Well, that may have been the most Jewish thing you've ever said. Who's going to eat all these pickles? Okay.

You don't nosh on a big dick. It's too... I don't want that many pickles. I mean... Okay. You don't nosh on a big dick. It's too... I don't want that many pickles. So Jonah Falcon has a 13 and a half inch penis. Uh-huh. He thought he had held the record for the planet's longest penis, but Robert... A planet? I know.

You gotta love how this was written. I know. You gotta love how this was written. But Robert Esquivel Carbrera, who cannot have sex because of the size of his manhood, has eclipsed the previous record. Mr. Falcon, though, believes his

challenger is a fraud because he has... This is the fraud guy. The fraud guy, Robert, has been weighing his genitals down and stretching the foreskin to grow his penis. Guys, don't start groaning. We haven't

even gotten to pictures yet. It'll be up there. Okay. I mean, it's like reverse. You're like a person singing the Star Spangled Banner that starts too high. Save your groans. Like Carl Lewis.

There's going to be a point where you're going to see it and you're going to be like, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Uh-oh. Mr. Falcon told the Sun Online that Mr. Cabrera's size and length was not legit, saying he could have a normal sex life if he got circumcised.

Quote, the man stretched his foreskin constantly from what I understand, but it's normal underneath, he said. I think it's ridiculous. This is Jonah Falcon. I think it's ridiculous, and he seems kind of desperate. No matter how big he is,

it's not going to change the fact that I'm 13.5 inches yet he thinks the other guy sounds desperate yeah he could have punctuated that with ladies oh wait though he has a he has a huge foreskin and then he's accusing him of having so it's like putting like a toddler and don't sleeping yes exactly say it again Say it again. Say it again. Say it one more time. It's like putting a toddler in an adult sleeping bag. There you go.

Thank you. So, yeah. Jonah Falcon is 13 and a half legit. He feels that Robert from Mexico is a liar. Now, I'm going to show you guys a picture

settled down of Jonah Falcons. This is why you come to the live show. It's so disturbing. You will not see his penis, but this is worse than that. For the listener at home, Facebook page.

Here we go. Can you see the bulge? I'm supposed to believe that's 13 and a half. That little bulge. Hold on, we got another picture. This guy has not exercised a day in his life. Also, when guys have a camel toe in between their balls,

it's so weird. Why is he wearing jazzercise pants? Just to show it off. To show off your dick at that point. That's not a camel toe. That's an elephant toe. You'll also remember whenever in your life that you're either here or at work

that you're looking at this. He thinks the other guy's desperate. That's right. Oh. They're shorts. Oh, there. Oh. They're shorts. Oh, there we go. Oh. They're shorts.

There we go. They're bike shorts. But that thing is like... And that's flaccid, right? That is not excited. Oh. I'd like to play a quick little game. How old is Jonah Falcon?

Okay. Now look at this guy. We're going to play a little round to guess the aging. Okay. I have... Now... Hold on, hold on a little round of Guess the Agey. Okay. Now. Hold on, hold on. You have not been asked, sir.

You will be, but hold on. Okay. You are our guest. Christina, Corinne. You can go first, second, third, fourth, wherever you want to go in this. I'm going to say 38. 38 years old for Jonah. That was literally my exact guess.

Even before that guy yelled 37 because I think he's like, but I think he might be dramatically younger than he looks. Yeah, this is where a picture can be misleading. So he's either 38 or 24. Yeah. So what do you think?

You say 24? Sure. Okay, great. I can't say 38 too, so yeah. Jay, what do you think? I'm judging by his atrophied musculature. I'm going to say he looks like his Saturn is returning. He's 28.

I think he's 28. 28 years old. I'm going to say he is 41 years old. Because have you seen anyone under the age of 36 who wears those biker shorts? Yes. Not even young Brooklyn. In North America. In Brooklyn, it's Normcore.

For sure. All right, fine. It's Normcore. For sure. This guy's not cool enough for Normcore. I say he's 41. All right, I want to get a couple of townie guesses. Put your hands in the air if you would like to make a guess on how old Jonah Big Dick Falcon is.

Anyone? All right, I saw somebody over here. Right here, the gentleman. Say your name. I'm Axel. Hi, Axel. Axel. Welcome to town. What do you got for this kid?

How old do you think he is? 35. 35 years old. Any other townies want to take a guess? Julia. He's 32. 32 years old. You said that like hopefully. She was like wistful when she said that. All the way over here in the front.

Say your name. Hi, I'm Elizabeth. Hi, Elizabeth. Welcome to town. Hi. I'm 37. 37? Okay, wow.

We're just all in the same area. 80. All right, Jesus Christ. That is not an official guess. I did not point at you or ask you your name. All right, Daniel. Here we go. If you're listening at home, yell at your computers.

Jonah Falcon is 47 years old. Oh! What's up? Wow. I hope someone got a photo of this reaction on stage. Wow. How good does that young dick look?

He looks great. He does look great. Suddenly the mood is changing up here. Oh my god. He's a year older than us. He looks so good. And guess what? We're only halfway through this story.

That's what most women say when they're with his kids. We're only halfway through this story. Oh, my God. Yesterday, it emerged that Robert Cabrera has officially been registered as disabled. Robert Escobar Cabrera from northern town of Saltillo.

I'm trying, guys. They threw a lot at you here, Dan. Well, when you grow up in Rochelle, Illinois, you don't get a lot of pronunciation of names out of Rochelle, Illinois. I'm not into chilies. Circle gets a square right there.

Trying to order off the appetizer menu. Except we had to drive 35 minutes to get to a Chili's. Big deal when we got an overpass. Not joking. I was three years old, and I have pictures of me at the opening of the overpass in Rochelle, Illinois, so people didn't have to wait

for trains anymore, which they turned into a train museum. All of this is Google. Robert said he has a manhood that he created himself by stretching it using weights, so he would attach weights to his

penis foreskin and stretch it out. That's a thing. That's gotta be a thing. Let's keep the games going. How long do you think that Robert Esquivel or Cabrera has stretched his dick out? How many inches?

How many inches total? This is just the foreskin, though. I know. This is literally just the tip. That tip is tough. That is so much worse than a woman wearing a push-up bra. That is so fucked up. It is. That's a push-down bra.

Wait till we get to those pictures. Oh. So how long do you guys think? Roberto. So the total length now? Total length. Include the skin. Include it. 17 inches.

Okay. Yes, I love the confirmation of that. Someone would say, yeah. This suddenly became like Dick Church. Yeah. She was like, yes. Amen. Amen.

My kind of church. Yeah, fuck it. Let's just go full family feud. She said 17 inches. Dan. Steve Harvey, good answer. Good answer. Play it. Steve Harvey, like, I love how much Steve Harvey doesn't understand anything that's working in the world at all.

Like, Steve Harvey would just turn to you and be like, now, now, now, now, you a woman, right? She said pancakes. You a woman, right? She said pancakes. She said 17. Alright, so. 17 inches. I'm going to go with 15 and a half. 15 and a half. Working with weight, this is like the opposite of

CrossFit. I'm going to say 16 inches. 16 down. I'm going to say 16 inches. 16 inches. I'm going 20. 20 inches. I think this is a 20-inch fleshy stick. Absolutely right. All right.

Any townies want to take a guess? Get your hand in the air if you do it right here in front. Frankie. Frankie, welcome to town. 14. 14 inches. Kim. 13.75. 13. 14 inches. Kim? 13.75.

13. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Welcome to town, Kim. Anybody else want to take a guess on this? Anywhere you are. You can put it right over here. Up there, okay.

Becca? 15.5. 15.5. Welcome to town, Becca. Right here? Right down here? All right, go for it. I'm going to say 24.

24. Yeah. We're going for it. We're acting like that's the truth. What the fuck? He said a two-foot dick. I mean, listen. Sounds like your dick is 24 inches.

This white boy motherfucker said a two-foot dick. That dick is so long, Kiefer Sutherland is on it. At Sklar Brothers. That dick is so long, it's a Sutherland is on it. At Sklar Brothers. That dick is so long, it's a Judd Apatow movie. Love you, Judd. Okay. Way to squeeze that in.

He has stretched... It's good for your career to say you love Judd Apatow. Big fan. He has stretched his penis to a length of 18.9 inches. For the listener at home, there is a photo on the screen. You saw that face walking towards you? It didn't even have to have that giant thing in the pants.

It would scare the fuck out of him. Look at him. If you're listening at home, stop taking care of your children. And look at this guy's legs. All three. I'm just thinking this guy has never worn a collared shirt in his life. Wait, he's

disabled? No, he's disabled himself. But isn't that his dick? Yeah, prevents him from normal life. This is the cargo that goes in cargo pants. That's... That's Scar Brothers. Is he married?

Are all those rings just decorative Johnny Depp rings? No, there are rings on every finger but the marriage ring. That guy does not buy condoms. He buys sleeves. I bet he's got like a couple of toe rings. Like he just came off the Horde Festival. Look at him. Look at him.

Again, also a great head of hair. I'm just going to say. Is his disability that he can't get it hard? Here we go. Roberto. At some point in this article, they switched to Roberto. I don't know. Roberto said that life is not easy for him, and he cannot find work.

Quote, I cannot wear a uniform like anybody in the companies, and also I cannot get on my knees. Okay. I mean, you tie it around for your butt cheeks. You know how most people who work at offices are on their knees all the time? At the dick sucking factory. Also, like, just fucking tuck it, bro. I also love, like, this to me is like everyone who climbs Mount Everest and then dies up there and has the phone call with their wife.

You knew what you were getting into. Yeah, like, was it worth it? Probably not. Exactly. This guy probably had a Sherpa just hanging on it, bringing it down. Mr. Cabrera has been offered work in the adult entertainment industry. Okay.

There you go. He can get work. Use it. He suggested, this is the guy who offered him work, that Mr. Cabrera could come to their studio in Prague. If I have to hear one more thing about Prague. I know. I always say this.

You know who's been to Prague because they won't shut up about it. He suggested that Cabrera could come to their studio in Prague to film a medical scene, though he said it would be more comical than erotic. Which probably sums up all sex for this guy, right? Doctors who have examined Mr. Cabrera say that the majority of his manhood is actually foreskin

and that the penis underneath only extends six or seven inches. That is an empty sleeve. So that's 11 and a half inches of flesh. There's a procedure called a circumcision.

You can get rid of the foreskin. He should. All that skin he stretched out. If Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs were real, this is his dream. That's his dress. Give me that skin. It's not foreskin. It's 24 skin.

That's what it is. At Sklar Brothers. Oh my God. I also like that someone said ew in the back. I know. Ew. Ew. As a result, the Guinness Book of Records

refuses to recognize his achievement. It's fair. And the current record rests with U.S. actor, I guess he became an actor, Jonah Falcon. What else are you going to do? U.S. actor. If anybody needs to know,

is nine and a half inches flaccid and 13 and a half when erect. So he's walking around. By the way, I love that there is one person at Guinness who like gets to do the record. Gets to do the record for the guy who's like

running a marathon and juggling and then there's one who measures the biggest dick. And they have to measure it themselves. Oh yeah. It's real. So wait,

does that mean somebody had to look inside his foreskin to make sure that the penis was that long? Yes. Just open it up. How would you know? Because I would have thought

that that dick goes all the way down. I bet it was like a scene from Stranger Things when the Demogorgon opens up and you're like, oh, I'm in the upside down now. I'm in the upside down. Oh, man. I feel like you could just kind of squeeze it down and stop when it's firm.

Be like, right about there. Either way. It's like they put a cocktail hot dog in a dodger dog bun that's what they've done that's what they've done i like medics have urged roberto or robert depending on where you are when you're reading this story have urged him to have a reduction so he would be able to function normally but quote he'd rather have a penis bigger than the rest of the people. That's just good writing. That's just really good writing. It's something that, this is what a Dr. Jesus David Salazar Gonzalez, that's like two first names and two last names, said it's something that makes him different to the rest of the people and

makes him feel special. Mr. Robert Cabrero added, i am famous because i have the biggest penis in the world i am happy with my penis i know nobody has the size i have okay this feels like it was it was written in english then translated into spanish poorly and then back into english again and then a kid from rochelle illinois read it the sheer size of mr cabrera's penis, this is where it gets real fun, causes him a number of problems. Hey, town, let's hear what they are. Including frequent urinary tract infections. You got to pee after sex, man. That's right.

Because not all of his urine escapes the lengthy foreskin. So he's like carrying around a water balloon. Yeah, pretty much. Talk about your throg's neck. Oh my god. You know, you guys can say that to our brothers too. You can say it. He keeps his colossal member wrapped in bandages to escape chafing.

Yeah. At all times. Yeah. And he is also unable to sleep chest down. I can't either. And he has to put his penis on its own pillow to escape discomfort during the night.

Honey, where's my penis pillow? Did you wash it? I still need it. Oh, the dog's sleeping on it. Nobody's eating, right? Because we're going to go to the next photo. Is it of his dick? Is it of his...

Remember when I said... Oh, no! That's us. That was us. That's just us. Remember when I said he has to keep it wrapped up at all times? Mm-hmm. Oh.

Now, look. First of all He has enormous hands Which he doesn't get enough credit for Second of all Regardless of everything we know about him And I hope everybody listening to this Eventually looks it up

Regardless of what we know about him Don't you wish you had that level of confidence In your own life He's very confident It does look like he had a third leg That just didn't grow all the way. You know, people are born as children. It's like they ran on a pixels halfway down.

I also like that he can't decide whether he wants the socks all the way up or all the way down. He's like, I'm going to go in the middle where it's really annoying. That is weird. That means he took off his pants and his underwear and then put his socks and his shoes on. Just based. That's fucking weird. Pants were very loose, though, that we saw. You can put them over your shoes.

Whenever they introduce a new mascot for a professional sports team, they'll always be wearing a jersey and a hat, shoes and socks laced up, and no pants. No pants. That's what this guy is. No, I love that he's in a narrow alleyway, and he's like, let me just put my arm on the wall and look casual the way you do. Well, he probably has trouble with balance. Yes.

That's true. Unless he has a big ass. I will say, just based on the use of like the major colors from the color wheel, this is my favorite Old Navy ad. He could be the new mascot for Subway. Sub over dick. Foot long. That was a good one. Thank you. Veryway. Sub over dick. Foot long.

That was a good one. Thank you. Very good. Solid, solid. He added, he added, which to me, hopes the reporters were good. He's like, no, we're not good.

Wait one sec. I'm happy with my penis and I wish to go back to the US and spend the rest of my life over there. I don't feel sad because I know in the US there is a lot of women. One of them will be the right size for me.

You know what? Some whore will let me put it in there. You know what? And to his point, there is a lot of women here. He said, I would like to be a porn star and I think I could make a lot of money over there. We'll get out of here on this. And the people are not like over here. They are more

liberal. They don't care about what I have in my pants. And that, guys, that's the American dream. That's story one. Story one. All right. Let's take a break. When we come back, more

Dumb People Town. All right. All right, guys. Welcome back. How about that break? How about that break? Take a break. Missed you. Missed you.

That was so funny. I know. You guys both showered. I thought that was so nice. Thank you. I haven't showered in so long. Middle of the break. I love it.

You guys have a book. Can you please explain the book and so where people can get it? Sure. Explain it. It's called Fucked Being Sexually Explorative and Self-Confident in a World That's Screwed. One person got it.

All right. Many more will. And yeah, we just talk about sex stuff and things that people usually aren't comfortable talking about

like, you know, putting a prostate simulator up your boyfriend's butthole. Oh. But like, there's like really fun, it's like a treasure trove up there.

You just have no idea. Right. Why not use it? It's like part sex how-to really fun it's like a treasure trove up there you just have no idea right why not use it it's like part sex how to and then it's part just like exploration that we went through during the podcast

like it's called Fox but there's some serious parts you might cry a little bit cry a little bit a little bit yeah I mean I cried a lot

writing it but that was because I was drunk the whole time I thought you were going to cry because only when it goes right up there you're just gonna cry a

little bit in that moment that's good crying though that's a good i love it because it is something that we do you feel like we're retreating into an area where people don't want to talk about sex anymore are we heading towards that like victorian place where people are like i can't even get i mean we definitely regressed since the 90s like there was like a big boom of sexual of just being outwardly sexual in the 90s, and then we did regress a little bit. But now it's just difficult to have some important conversations that we want to have because you can't say anything.

Nope. Do you guys blame 9-11? Oh, yeah. I mean, we are talking about the 90s. No, it's 9-11's fault. Yeah, everyone knows that. The towers came down, and so did our sexuality. Absolutely, yeah.

Absolutely. But yeah, I mean, we get pretty intimate on the podcast. You've heard it, but we were on it. We loved it.

We got even more, I feel like we revealed so much more in the book than we ever did on the podcast and it was a little horrifying. Now,

is this something like that you want to show your parents and other people in your family or do they, how do they feel about it when you go deep? My parents have already read it, so yeah.

God bless it. I beg mine not to read it. You begged yours not to read it. Yeah. But they did anyway. No, they didn't. They didn't. Because they don't want to.

Some things. I've got very detailed about certain sexual acts and conversations you should have before and after them and what to do and what not to do based off of my experience. I don't want my dad knowing that. Okay. Fair. My uncle read it and then we talked about it over Hanukkah.

Oh! I love that. It was nice. I love that. That is the Hanukkah miracle. It is. Yeah. It's going to make a dreidel game a lot more fun.

Everything's coming up. It's the name of our book. Where can people get this awesome book from you guys? There's links. If you just go to sorryaboutlastnightcomedy.com

there's links to all the things. And you guys do awesome live shows and you've been on tour and been around and they can check tour dates on that as well. Yeah, we're going

all across the country. Guys, if they are near you and they come to your town please come see them live. Sorryaboutlastnightcomedy.com Check it out. Daniel, we've got them live. SorryAboutLastNightComedy.com Check it out. Daniel, we got another story. Let's check it out. Let's get into it. You guys want to do one more story?

We got two more. Sent in by Bonnie Rando Lays. At Rando Lays. R-A-N-D-O. Rando Lays. Could be that guy's porn name when he gets to America. Could be. Rando Lays. R-A-N-D-O-L-E-Y-S.

And as always, you can send me stories by hashtag dumbpeopletown at Daniel Van Kirk. Here we go. A man allegedly found drunk and naked lying inside one of Queensland's biggest pipe organs has been granted bail. So this is in New Zealand. A lot to unpack there. Yeah. This is in New Zealand. He's literally trying to lay some pipe.

A man allegedly... Ask our brothers. Ask our brothers. Thank you. A man allegedly found drunk and naked lying inside one of Queensland's biggest pipe organs has been granted bail.

Okay. Which means, you can do whatever the fuck you want, they'll let you go. That's right. And also that there are other big pipe organs around in town that he could have gone into. Yeah, but they was in a church, presumably.

All right, of course. Probably. Freemason. Oh, boy. Okay. You thought they weren't real. Here they are. I thought it was only In the Taco Bell commercials.

This is real, you guys. Freemason also could just say like, Uncle who voted for Trump. Freemason Glenn Langford. I know, right? That's a name you don't say, you yell. Glenn Langford, get over here. Sorry for people with headphones. Freemason Glenn Langford, get over here. Sorry for people with headphones.

Freemason Glenn Langford is accused of damaging the organ pipes of Brisbane's Masonic Memorial Center during a night he'd rather forget. Or not. I mean, maybe he wants to remember it. Do you want to look at this guy? Yeah, I would love to see this guy. You tell me when you look at him if you want to play Guess the Age or not. Because it might just be

too easy or way too hard. Also, this is the next role Gerard Butler will play and it will be a shitty movie because everything went downhill after 300. Here we go. Ready? Oh, no.

I was going to say Jeremy Renner does not look good. Yikes. Yikes. Also, he looks like he needed a home for a new baby. Beautiful head of hair. Again. Again. A beautiful head of hair. Can't say the same for his mouth.

If hair was teeth, he'd have a different life. I think he's mid-word. By the way, this could be his headshot. It's that provocative. It's very natural. He's beautiful. Lankford allegedly broke into and

flooded the premises by turning on the taps. That's a real fucking wet bandit move there. Which set off a fire alarm. I don't know how those two things the premises by turning on the taps. That's a real fucking wet bandit move there. Say home alone. Which set off a fire alarm. I don't know how those two things work. It's a Masonic temple. We don't know how it works.

By the way, that would be the last place that would burn down. Sure. One that's just swimming in water. Well, for some reason it sets off. He turned on all the taps, which set off a fire alarm, alerting the police to his presence.

Authorities found him in the Grand Hall, along with his clothes, which were not on. No, of course not. Why would they? A toy gun and a remote-controlled police car. But no, did he have the remote? No, no one had the remote. Just the car? Just the car. Oh, that's car oh so it's just a wasted opportunity i hope they walked in he was like you guys are already here motherfuckers

also if you have any friends that recently have like your kids a couple years ago like good three to four ages get really great buy them a police car that makes noise toy. If you hate your friends. Yeah. I've given that to every one of my nephews. It's horrible. When they turn four. Next time you see them at the next Thanksgiving, it's like, thanks, Dan. You're doing great, man.

Love it. He had a toy gun, a remote-controlled police car, no sign of the remote, clothes off, lying in the Grand Hall. Police said Mr. Langford was arrested naked on Wednesday night lying amongst the organ pipes. He's accused of damaging a decorative wall and breaking several organ pipes. He's pissed about something.

What did he do to him? Like, did he kiss him? They said, well, the structure was installed in 1930 and is insured for more than a million dollars. However, the caretaker believes that it is irreparable. Shit went off in the Mason Temple. That's right. According to Mr. Lankford's lawyer,

his client downed an entire bottle of Johnny Walker. Oh. That makes sense with that face. There you go. That gives you that mouth. This takes a real hard lawyer turn at the end of the sentence. Ready? He downed an entire bottle of Johnny Walker and had good intentions.

That's never the beginning of a great story. He downed an entire bottle of Johnny Walker and then delivered three babies. That's never going to happen. That is a dumb people town lawyer. He downed an entire bottle of Johnny Walker and then delivered three babies. That's never going to happen. That is a dumb people town lawyer. He downed an entire bottle of Johnny Walker and then put change in every parking meter.

He downed an entire bottle of Johnny Walker. I don't even know how to say it. Jimmy Walker? Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker. And then he came up with a cure for AIDS. I mean, no one's ever going to say that. You ready to hear what he really wanted to do?

Tell me. Oh, yes. When a reporter asked what his good intentions were, Mr. Langford replied, I did have a lot of cheeseburgers to give the homeless. Oh! Did he, though? Huh?

Did he have the cheeseburgers when they showed up? Oh, yeah. He had them. Oh, yeah? He just ate them all. It's a photo. He wanted to make sure they weren't poisonous.

Go to the Facebook page. You can see the burgers he ate. Define a lot, Dan. That looks like three parts of one. The rest are gone. Come on, guys. Seriously. If this were a different context on a different night

and maybe like 35 years ago, you would believe me if I told you that was a fucking Warhol. That just doesn't seem like a toothless bite, though, right? That seems like a guy with teeth bit that. How did they do that? If you pan left, you'll see David Hasselhoff. I know.

It's a floor burger. It's a floor burger. Oh, that's good. Holding the remote. Bring that car back here. I'm going to go home and re-watch that video now. Yeah, he's talking to it like it's Kit. Yes, it could.

No Kit. There are 17 people that got that choice. But you know what, I'm one of them brother Thank you The court heard Mr. Lamford who lost his job last week Had also been drinking heavily due to the breakdown of his 16 year relationship Just for the record here guys If your relationship breaks down and you refer to it as though it's an old truck,

there's a reason it didn't work out. Yeah, exactly. And naming it a relationship instead of a marriage at that point may have been the reason why it broke down. Yes, for sure. I also feel like he's constantly trying to tell anyone who will believe his lies that it was mutual. No, we both felt that. I said,

look, let's put this thing up on the racks and check it out. We didn't tell you, but we just didn't want the same thing, man. Okay? Like, she wanted to get married, and I wanted to get drunk. Eat cheeseburgers. Eat cheeseburgers on the floor. Yeah.

The magistrate agreed to release him on the condition he not go within 100 meters of the Freemason Center. This is what I was, you ever notice in other countries, they're just like, we're not going to fucking lock you up and pay for all this shit. Just don't go there anymore. Just don't go there. And they're like, yeah, okay,

I won't go there. All right, we'll go there anymore. And if they do, well then lock them up. That's right. Also, asked why he got naked, Mr. Lankford told a Seven News reporter,

this is his quote, this is to a female reporter. It's not that bad. We all got a little tense up here. It missed the N-H-F. I'm woke as fuck. I wouldn't put that shit in here.

I'm woke as fudge. This is what he said. I'm just really debating if I want to yell at Randy for that joke. Quote, why did you get naked? He told the 7 News female reporter. I can't explain it, man.

He's essentially Bruce Bane's version of the dude. Can't explain it, man. man look you can keep the organ uh then he says quote things just got a little loose i was out of it he admitted on thursday which i hope they put in there because on friday you'd get a completely different answer oh yeah's just like, what did I do? I swear to you, when I read this, I did not think about the fact that he could be their version of the dude, but on this next quote, I'm now certain of it. He is.

I apologize to all the righteous Freemasons everywhere. I love that this became an affront to Freemasons. It's like, this is the first place you stumbled upon, brother. And we all have such a high regard for Freemasons. It's like, this is the first place you stumbled upon, brother. And we all have such a high regard for Freemasons. That's right. We don't want this to put a black mark.

No, not at all. He was then asked what he would do next. While laughing, he said, I'm going to go see a shrink and not drink. Oh, that's a good answer. That's so sweet. I was going to be like, I'm going to Disneyland. My show on E is going to be airing next time. That's really nice.

They made it rhyme. That was beautiful. By the way, very evolved. It's like, I need to get help, and I need this. He went from zero to, right? That's pretty normal. Right. Also, brand new contender for Dumb People Town shirt.

I'm going to go see you shrink and not drink. There we go. Then he came right back around with, and I'm starving. go see a shrink and not drink. Then he came right back around with, and I'm starving, I haven't eaten all day. He's like a naked, drunk Dr. Seuss. I love him.

I'd like to ask you guys, how old is Mr. Lange? This is one of those tricky pictures, guys, because he could be anything right there. He looks like every... He could be 600 years old. There's a lot of murmurs.

A lot of murmurs in this town hall. He looks like every bad guy on burn notice. He looks like a burn notice. A burn, yeah. I mean, he looks singed for sure. All right. All right, guys. What are you thinking?

Guess? What do you think? 47. She says 47. Wow. That was, by the way, the same age as the big dick guy. You mean Jonah Belkin?

She's messing around. What do you think? I want to win. I was going to say 58. 58 years old. Give him a lot of props. Jason or Randy? Jason?

I want him to be 32 so bad. See, I don't want him to be, because if he's 32, that's going to be sad. I just do. I know. I'm going to say 41. 41. Fine. If you don't have the balls to say it, 32.

32. Any townies want to take a stab at this? Right here. Say your name. Piper. Piper, welcome to town. 51. 51 years old.

Okay, very good. Jason. Jason. I'm a doctor, and that man is 56. Wow. 56. You said 58. So many things.

To be fair, Jason, you're a doctor in dumb people town. You're a dumb doctor. I also like that you said I'm a doctor. So in other terms, podiatrist. Just kidding. Optometrist. Ear, nose, and throat. All right, who is someone over here?

You shouted something. Way, way, way back. Way back. Get the name. Jennifer. Jennifer. I the name. Jennifer. Jennifer. I see 62. Oh.

62. Then he would look great. Okay, this right here is second row right here. Alita. Alita. I'm going to go with 60. 60. 60.

Was it Alitas? Alita. Alita. Alitas. Alitas is cool, too. All right. We'll get you on the next one. Okay.

All right. Shout out to your computers. When it comes to righteous Freemason, Glenn Langford. Also, they left it out of here, but I remember reading it. He's no longer a Freemason. Yeah, no. Well, he can't go to the center. Yeah.

He took it back. I'm going to tell you guys right now. Someone in this room is exactly right. Wow. Is it someone on stage? There's no one over there. I'm going to tell you guys right now, someone in this room is exactly right. Wow. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Is it someone on stage?

There's no one over there. That means there's a new wrinkle in this game. We get to play Who Is It? Now, the way we'll play it live, someone on the stage, we're going to pick 20 more people. Oh, no, Dan. Dan. Dan. Oh, come on.

Nobody's got anywhere to go. You DVR'd murder. She wrote. So don't worry about it. All right. Okay, now. Here's what we're going to do. Just for the people on stage here.

Is the person who's right in the town or on the stage? Okay, go ahead. You guys go first. Do you think it's... On stage. On stage. Corinne. I'll go in the crowd.

Okay. Town. I'm going to say on stage. On stage? And I. I'll go in the crowd. Okay. Town. I'm going to say on stage. On stage? And I'm going to say it's me. Confidence. Freemason. Glenn Langford.

Former Freemason. Glenn Langford. The Freemason of my heart, that damn. It's real to me. It's Freemason, always Freemason. Freemason Glenn Langford, who got naked with a toy car and a toy gun in the middle of the night

after getting his goddamn heart broken and drinking a full bottle of Johnny Walker is 51 years old. Right here. Piper nailed it. Piper nailed it. Piper nailed it. Is that story two? That's story two.

Story two, everybody. How about it? Wow. We'll take a break. We'll be right back with more Dumb People Town. This is fun. This is so fun, right? All right, guys.

Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Dan's going to do one more story, and then we will take some quick headlines from you guys. I think there's a mic right, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Dan's going to do one more story, and then we will take some quick headlines from you guys. I think there's a mic right over here. Please remember the rules if you have them ready to go. We want to do a few of these. Don't hurt kids. Don't hurt animals.

Don't let anybody die. Beyond that, let it rip. Let it rip. It's like we're all Wilford Brimley from Cocoon. We don't hurt kids. We don't hurt animals. And don't let anybody die. That was such a niche.

Now get my diabetes shoes. Diabetes. Diabetes. For the people at home who are also wondering who Wilford Brimley is. Yeah, I know. All right, fine. No. No, we're old.

Right next to you. Yeah, I don't know what fine. Right next to you. He's an old actor. Tom Cruise, currently the same age he was when he did Cocoon. No way! And Wilford Brimley had better butt implants than Tom Cruise. You guys are great followers on Twitter as well

and on Instagram. I love following you guys on Instagram. Will you please let people know so that they can follow you on there? Yeah, yeah. For me, it's Christina Hutch all around, but it's K-R-Y-S-T-Y-N-A. It's spelled real fucked up.

Yeah. Yeah. And mine's at Philanthropy Gal, but I'm not going to donate to your charity, so. Do not. No. Yeah.

Which I love. I love. And then our duo, Sorry About Last Night on all the things. On all those things. Check it out. Follow these guys.

They are friends of the town and I'm so happy you guys are here. Let's do one more story. I want to do eight more stories. I know! You will because Dan's going to do one and then we're going to get to do some quickies. Okay. Here we go. You know, it's always fun when I can just read you the headline. First I should say it was

sent in by ComeOnMan at NotTomWheat. W-E-E-T. So I don't know who the hell it is, but it not Tom Wheat. W-E-E-T. So I don't know who the hell it is, but it's Tom Wheat. It's definitely Tom Wheat. Or it's his dick friend from high school. He's like, you see my fucking handle, bro?

That's actually a good move. She's my fucking handle, bro. She's my fucking... I'm alone. Okay. Dude, Wheat's to freak out, dude. Talk to Tom. He doesn't fucking care, Rick. This is the headline.

Ready? Yeah. Brothers, you already know it's going to be good when it's bread. Brothers celebrate lottery win by blowing up house. This is dumb people town. I have so many questions. It's full of facts. Oh, man. These are the right people

to win the lottery. Yeah. Remember when we went to that party? This was in Minneapolis many, many years ago. We went to a party and we were at the party. It was after we did a comedy show. It was at this really small house by a party and we were at the party. It was after we did a comedy show. It was at this really small house by a lake

and they told us, everyone at the parties, you came in, they're like, this house is getting torn down tomorrow, so. Just go nuts.

You can go nuts. You can put your, like the guy who told us was like, this house is getting torn down tomorrow. You can do this and he fucking put his foot

through the wall. Like in front of us. What a fun party premise. And like footballs through the windows. And the place was destroyed. I mean, destroyed. And we were all like, this is great. This is going to get torn down tomorrow.

We're helping them out a little bit. Oh, no. The next day, it turns out the house wasn't getting destroyed. Why he say that? He didn't know. He didn't know. He was just drunk and making making a weird thing to say.

He was just being funny and never checked the joke at the door. And so they owed like $28,000 to fix the house. Was it his house? No, he was renting the house. In an Airbnb. Yeah. So a landlord had to come over and see that shed. Yeah.

You lose the security deposit on that moment. So we've been around this type of story. So what's happening here? Oh my God. Two brothers who were celebrating

a winning lottery ticket by spending some of their winnings on marijuana and meth. That is a wide variety. I know. That is a wide variety. I know, that is...

We're doing all sorts of getting high tonight. That's true. Hey, Denny, you gonna quit your job? Yeah, but we're gonna do something else first. We're gonna do a lot of it. They celebrated the winning lottery ticket by spending some of their winnings on marijuana and meth,

accidentally blew up their house on Friday said Sergeant Bruce Watts of the Wichita Police Department. Bruce. Bruce. Bruce Watts came out

of the vagina a cop. Yeah. Yeah. With a buzz cut. With a buzz. Like he literally He came out

and he secured the perimeter. Literally, yeah. He literally like he was breached because he came out and he secured the perimeter. He literally was breached because he came out backwards. He moonwalked out of the womb. First words instantly like, what the hell's going on out here? What the hell's going on out here? The dad's like, I love you, son. He's like, shut

up, narc. Every time somebody be mad at a narc, he's real excited for this press conference. Oh, for sure. You are in that you have no idea. Wait till I get to that quote. And you know Bruce Watts. Every time he calls

somebody, they're like, hello. He's like, yeah, it's I know I every phone says who's calling And you know Bruce Watts, every time he calls somebody, they're like, hello. He's like, yeah, it's Watts. I know. Every phone says who's calling. Well, regardless, it's Watts. Or if people call him, they say, go for Watts. Go for Watts. You all want to fucking Rots Wyatt stuff here?

Rots Wyatt. At Sklar Brothers. I'll email myself. All right. At Sklar Brothers. I'll email myself. All right. Do you think he's like CSI Bruce Watts, where he's like, well, I guess this criminal, according to Bruce Watts,

wasn't too bright. See, when you do it like that, it can be a horrible joke. It's amazing. It's terrible. The explosion sent one of the brothers to the hospital where he remains in serious but stable condition with second-degree burns on his hands, arms, and chest. Okay.

Really got him. The other brother... The other brother was sent to jail. So where they really got him. Yeah. Where Bruce got him. How many times do you think the other brother said

to the one in the explosion, you're going to be okay, man. Just fucking walk off. Walk it off, man. Stop being a pussy. The brothers were in a house at the 100 block of North Nevada Court

near Douglas and West Street. Add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour. That's right. Put a pin in it. At about 7 p.m. Friday, which means if they won the lottery on Thursday, it is Friday fucking night. Can you just get the money that quickly? Who knows? They probably were.

They had gotten it. So maybe they won it earlier, but whatever. They got it on Friday. And you know how just when work ends, you're a little excited for the weekend. Oh, yeah. These guys are lottery excited. That's a new level of excitement. Do you think one of them looked at you and was like,

I just think everything's going to go right for us from now on. We're going to tear shit up. Yeah. We're going to blow up this shit. Include in your skin. People are sad about that. He's okay. It was 7 p.m. Friday, Watts said. One of the brothers went to the kitchen

to refuel the butane torches they planned to use to light their bongs. What? All right. Welding torches to light the bongs. That's All right. So they're using welding torches to light the bongs. That's like

we're cutting rims on a 93 Honda or something. Yes. Who has ever gotten high in a college dorm and was like, all right,

let's do this thing. Yeah. Dude, if you're dabbing, you got to go pro, man. Oh my God. One of the brothers went to the kitchen

to refuel the butane torches they planned to use to light their bongs. He emptied a couple of large cans of butane lighter fluid leaking butane into the air. Oh, I'm going to read with this rights. I'm going to

read with this rights. It's okay. Guys, I'm in the halfway through a stroke, but we're going to be fine while holding back laughter, Sergeant Bruce Watts said classic he's having a ball

laugh at a crime for a long time. Watts. He is on fire. He looked at his lieutenant before this press conference be like it's fucking Watson. He's and there's video of this Sergeant Bruce Watts while holding back laughter said

I'll try to act it out for you guys. The butane vapor reached the pilot light the furnace and as you might expect kaboom. I feel like Watts knows these brothers

and does not care about them. Watts is so on brand. It's unbelievable. He's got t-shirts made called That's Watts Up. That was pretty good. I don't know, guys. That deserves a positive. No, that's his podcast.

That's Watts Up. He's got a police podcast called That's What's Up. I love it. What's Up with Bruce? The victim in the explosion was wearing a lottery t-shirt when it blew up. That's like that scene in Boys in the Hood where she's holding the SAT scores after he's been shot. You're like like no! When they got

their oversized check you know he was like cool if I get one of those shirts? They're like I get one for free though right? Hey brother

just wearing this shirt makes me feel like everything's gonna be alright. Nothing bad's gonna happen to me this weekend. I'm gonna ask you guys now.

How old is the brother that blew up the house while wearing a Kansas lottery t-shirt? You guys. We don't have to go first. No pictures. You don't have to go first. You can go in any place in this you want. If you want to keep going first. If you want us to go first.

You can go Tig. 42. 42. 42. 31. 26. 26. I think he's 22 years old. 22 for Randy.

22 years old. All right, I want to get three townies. Right here, brother. Hey, Ross. Welcome to town. 28. 28 years old. I like it.

Right here in the second row. I'll come over to you, brother. 52. In your name? Matt. Matt. Matt. Thanks, Matt. Right here in the second row. I'll come over to you, brother. 52. In your name? Matt. Matt, 52. Who has already said right here, I want to be nice. Here we go, brother.

Ben. Ben. 37. Welcome to Tom Ben, 37. I said 22. Here we go. The brother wearing a Kansas Lottery t-shirt, just emptying buptane wherever he wants.

Please don't say age. And then lighting a torch is 27 years old. Oh. Thank God. I know, right? If he was like 78, I would feel horrible. Oh, we've had those brothers. They've gotten in like brick fights in the driveway.

Guys, we're had those brothers. They've gotten in like brick fights in the driveway. Guys, we're not even done. The victim's girlfriend, that'd be a t-shirt wearer, his girlfriend loaded him and some children. Not theirs. Some. Not even hers. Hey, what are you kids doing? Hey, get away from that puddle.

Come here, get in the car. We're going on a field trip to the hospital. I don't care. Don't ask your mom. She's a bitch. Get in the car. Let's go. No, you don't need a permission slip.

Let's go. You don't need a permission slip. That's another good Dumpyville Town shirt. That's right. The victim's girlfriend loaded him and some children into a car and took them to the Via Christi Hospital on St. Francis to the emergency room where she dropped the victim off and left. Yeah.

No, I would too. I would be like, this is your problem. I got to go. You got it from here? Yep. Take the skin you left on the seat with you and go. Half your face is in the back seat, Earl. Let's go.

Officers went to the house with a warrant where the other brother ran out, admitting he had marijuana and meth. I have marijuana and meth? They didn't even ask. Yeah. It just wrote here four words after that sentence. Marijuana and meth. I have marijuana and meth. They didn't even ask. Yeah. They didn't ask.

It just wrote here four words after that sentence. He was then arrested. Oh my gosh. Oh my God, you guys, our house blew up. I have marijuana and meth. All right, ready? How much money do you think they won from the Kansas house? Oh, that's what I've been wanting to know the whole time.

That's what I've been wanting to know the whole time. This is what we're going to get out of here, and then we're going to the town. Okay. So, Corinne, what do you think? Because you've been wondering this the whole time. Yes. So I've been thinking about this. It was A, definitely a scratch off and then B, $500. $500.

That's a lot of money. By the way, $500 in Wichita, Kansas is like $3 million. I'm going to say that. Go ahead. $45,000. $45,000. Still not worth it, but also a big amount.

$4,000. $4,000 from Jason Scott. Yeah, I think they won $15,000. $15,000 from Randy Scott. Town, where are you? Right here. What's your name? Tracy.

Tracy, welcome to town. $10,000. $10,000 for Tracy. Let me get two more. We got where are you? Right here. What's your name? Tracy. Tracy, welcome to town. $10,000. $10,000 for Tracy. Let me get two more. We got a lady here. Right here. Hi, Melody. What?

It would justify a lot if it was me. We would know about that, I think, though. Right back behind you, hand up in the air with the watch. Yes, sir. What's your name? David. David?

$10,000. $10,000. Okay. The Two Brothers in Kansas. Oh, no. Oh, God. It's going to be $150. If it is, I'm walking off this stage. The Two Brothers in Kansas. What if it was a

free ticket? It was McDonald's Monopoly. I'm telling you, man. I saw Park Place somewhere. The two brothers from Kansas who blew up their house with marijuana, meth, butane, and torches

just trying to have a goddamn good Friday night. Until Bruce Watts ruined everything. They won from the Kansas lottery a total of, get your guesses in now, play along at home, scream it at work in your cubicle,

$35,000. $75,000. Oh! Not enough to do meth and marijuana. No. I think. That's a lot of money. That's almost jam-flat.

You gotta put taxes on it, right? Yeah, taxes makes it only $7,000. That's amazing. How about that for the third story? Third story. Okay. All right. Now, if you're a townie,

if you're a townie that brought a story, go right over here. As you guys line up, I will tell you some good news. We did bring Dumb People Town swag with us. We have shirts, hats, and Dumb People Town pins. We only made 1,000 of them. If you're listening to this,

you can still order yours. Those 1,000, I wanted to go to the just most hardcore 1,000 townies that we have. And you can get some here in person. Look at this line of opinion. Here we go. We're going to do short, abbreviated ones. So read us the headline. We'll go as much as we can. And then we'll move on.

Say your name first. Hi, I'm Dave. Hi, Dave. Welcome to town. I just want to say, me and my friend, Ethan, came here. I have both been to Prague. Sorry. Hi, Dave. Welcome to town. I just want to say me and my friend Ethan came here, both men, to Prague. Sorry. See? I told you. Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh, you know what's so great about Prague? Yeah, when the Nazis showed up, they just let them, so everything stayed perfect. Ooh! And then the next thing he says is, and we also went to Budapest. So, go ahead.

So, anyway. My story is, the headline is, man who used anglerfish stomach to masturbate ends up in hospital. I read this story. I love how the common theme so far, it's all about guys. All the guys are doing the dumb thing.

They are fucked up. What are they doing? Because guys are idiots. In a series of posts, the anonymous masturbator from Japan told the users he works with anglerfish regularly. Works with anglerfish regularly. Like it's some sort of trade secret.

And decided to wank with the fish's stomach out of curiosity. Hey, you know what? Do what you love. You never work a day in your life. You know what? You show a man how to jerk off with a fish, he jerks off for a day. Teach a man how to jerk off with a fish's stomach, he jerks off for a lifetime. He's going to get his dick bit off.

Old ancient Japanese proverb. Give me a little more, bro. He describes how he had taken precautions carefully disinfecting the raw fish organ using salt and ethanol before rubbing it against his penis. Oh! You can't put salt on your penis?

Ethanol in your dick hole? I don't know. This to me feels like what the movie Jiro Dreams of Sushi should have been like. All right, that's good. Jiro Wet Dreams of Sushi. There you go. You missed that.

That was so great. Christina, please. Jiro Wet Dreams of Sushi. There you go. That's brilliant. Give me one more thing about it, Dave. All right, yes. So his urethra got infected.

Weird. No shit. Side note. But despite the less than positive experience, the man said he is keen to try masturbating with a dead squid next. Oh, nice. Hey, man.

You know what? Jerk off like nobody's watching. Thank you. Dude, thank you, brother. Thanks for coming to town. Thank you. That's our old friend, you. Dude, thank you, brother. Thanks for coming to town. Thank you. That's our old friend, Kim. Hi, Kim.

Hi. Hi, I'm Kim. Hi, Kim. Welcome to town. Great shirt. Get up on the mic. Get up on the mic tight so people can hear you.

I'm Kim Fritz. Hi. Kim Fritz. We love you. All right. This is from Florida, so of course. Of course.

Is that the headline? That's the first one we've ever had from Florida. Yeah. The headline is Florida woman accused of DUI purposely peed on officer, police say.

Yeah, women can do dumb shit too. Yeah, we talked about it. They can rattle up some kids and take them to the hospital. But by the way, by the way, for a man to pee on someone, that is not that difficult of a feat.

For a woman to pee on someone. A woman, she's got to work hard. You got to work hard. There's a leg lock involved. When a guy does it, it's a golden shower. When a woman does it, it's a golden monsoon. What is that? Golden hurricane.

You're lucky to be there. Stall bath. Hit it, Kim. Okay, so a Melbourne woman who police say was driving under the influence Monday was taken into custody after rear-ending another vehicle and kicking and urinating on an officer while her child was in the backseat of her car. Oh, come on. Lead by example. Why couldn't it have been some child?

Some children were stuffed into the car. I don't know that fucker. Do you want her age or do you want to guess it? Let's guess the age. This is great. Do you want some more information? Just give it a little one more information on Tibby and then we'll guess the age.

Okay. Nicole Nespolini was driving erratically, screaming and cursing at another vehicle before rear-ending the car. The driver of the vehicle was able to motion Nespolini to pull over, after which Nespolini continued screaming at the woman and pleading for her not to call law enforcement.

My first question is, well, what'd he do? Like, what'd the car do? What did that guy do to piss this woman off so much? Alright, you wanna go down the line? Alright, so how old is she? She's got a kid, so she's 18. You forgot Florida.

Oh, fuck yeah Yeah Oh 25 Yeah 19 This is a deleted scene From the Florida Project

I'm gonna say Great movie 22 26 Okay Nicole Nespalini 40 Oh

Oh no To Judd Apatow This is 40. Thank you. Thank you, Kim Fritz, everybody. Thank you, Kim Fritz. Thank you. Awesome.

These are awesome. 40. 40. Girl, get a hold of yourself. That kid is 22. And still in a car seat. Yes, sir. My name is Crossman. Hi, Crossman. How are you? seat. Yes, sir. My name is Crossman.

Hi, Crossman. How are you? Welcome to town, buddy. I feel like, do you own your own line of craft boats? I hope so. Crossman. The headline spoils us once. Okay, read it to us.

Cool. It starts in reporter voice. Perfect. Do it. There's really no denying the creativity of children, but this might be taking it too far. Well done, sir. Great reporter.

Very nice. A 10-year-old boy from Norway stole his parents' car while they were sleeping and attempted to drive himself and his 18-month-old sister to their grandparents' home 68 miles away. Oh, my gosh. Over the river and through the woods. You got to update that shit, dude.

Off the exit ramp and through the median. Do you want to guess how far you got? Yeah. Oh my God, yes. Yes. Of course we did. I love that you ask us rhetorical questions. Do we have to guess in kilometers or in miles?

It is Norway. It's in miles. I assume measured in kilometers. OK. I mean, everything wants to tell me he just got to the driveway. I was going to say he couldn't get out of the garage. I can provide more detail. Yeah.

So the boy veered off the road after getting his distance um where he was spotted by a snowplow driver who called the police according to the board um to bard christiansen of vest opland police district the boy told the snowplow driver he was a dwarf that's a hilarious boy you know what you voice. You know what? That's a future comedian. You know what? He's resourceful. From the words of the Goonies, Mom, I'm starting to like this kid. By the way, I have a 10-year-old,

and my first thought is, I wish my kid was that creative. Amazing. I'd hire him. And had left his driver's license at home. Classic line. It's like you watch Game of Thrones, right? Come on. Oh, my God.

Neither child was injured in the accident. Okay, good. Perfect. All right, so let's guess how far he went in miles. I think he went 20 miles. I think he went 20 miles. Corinne. Three miles.

Three miles. That's actually probably... 35 miles. Ooh. Because maybe it was a straight road, you know. 61 miles. Whoa, you're mad confident in this kid. He was almost there.

You could see the lights of his grandmother's house. Not a lot of them. And then the northern lights. I'm going to go with one Jonah Falcon and go 13 and a half miles. Very, very good. Nice, Dan. So, after driving for a little more than six miles.

Oh, yeah. Nice. Well done. Thank you. Great story. Six miles. Hello, sir. Welcome to town. What's your name? Thank you. I'm Johnny, and I'm from Nevada City, California, and I've been combing my hometown's police blotter all week.

Thank you. We appreciate it. Thank you, Josh. Look at John Lovett's character. This was the best and most non-tragic story I could come up with. Great. Thank you. We need an eucalyptor.

A caller from the 100 block of East Berry Hill Drive, that's a few miles from my house. Add it to the walking tour. Add it to the walking tour. Reported he had to kick his friend out of his apartment and now he wanted the police to look for him. The argument was in reference to

what time Monday Night Raw was over on Sunday. Look it up. I love this. Ask Siri. There's no way to find it. To be fair, if we're talking attitude era, that's no way to find it. They're so petty. To be fair, if we're talking attitude era,

that ends about seven to six minutes after, because you want to fucking beat Nitro. Oh my God. That is crazy. That is so great.

There's a little more. Yeah. The caller had been furious with his friend that he was confusing it with Smackdown. Both parties had been drinking.

No shit. The caller was advised of the proper use of 911. Okay. By the way, this is an argument that will never happen between two women. Never. Just too smart for that shit. Or both women would know what fucking time it is. They love Raw.

I know when it is. Thank you. Holy shit, dude. I love Raw. I know when it is. Thank you. Holy shit, dude. I love that. Thanks, Johnny. Great job, man. Great story. The fact, see,

we're like glossing over the fact that he, they got in a fight, he left, and now he wants him to be found. Yeah, he cares. He cares about him. I need you back.

Which one of the guys was the heel? Who was the main guy? Who was the face? Who was the face? All right, sir. Say your name. Steven Yates. Hi, Steven Yates. Welcome to town. name. Stephen Yates. Hi, Stephen Yates.

Welcome to town. Stephen Elton Yates. Yes, it is. World famous. Professor who didn't think Australia was a country, almost failed student who pushed back. Now we're getting into alternative facts. Whoa.

This is great. Wait, did he think it was a continent but not a country? I mean, I would give him that. There are details, Jake. The educator whose name was kept private Understandable. I hope literally his name is kept private.

The K in the P are capitalized. Almost gave the student a failing grade on an assignment because the professor was a she. She refused to believe that Australia is a country, despite the student's insistence, student also female, that it is. Okay.

The student, Ashley Arnold, whose age I'm not going to give you, working toward an online sociology degree. Which means this entire fight took place via some sort of University of Phoenix messenger. Southern New Hampshire University. But sociology is the most human interactive science ever. The best way to get that degree is online. No interaction with people.

According to the university, we deeply regret the interaction between our professor and our student and have apologized to the student and refunded. Oh, I was going to say, I want them to end this sentence, you get what you pay for. University of Phoenix. At Southern New Hampshire, they'll actually refund. Refunded our student for the class.

Following an investigation, we have replaced the instructor as we strive to adhere to the highest standards of integrity and accuracy in educating our students. We have replaced the instructor with a map. educating our students. We have replaced the instructor with a map. The student said her assignment was to compare a social norm between the United States and another country. She chose Australia and was shocked when she received a failing grade because her professor believed, quote, Australia is a continent, not a country.

Let me ask you this. Does that professor now work underneath Betsy DeVos? Because that would not surprise me. Yes. That would not surprise me. And let me say It was Betsy. That took a lot of courage for Randy to say that here in Brooklyn.

Sometimes I gotta go against the grain. Sometimes I gotta make you think. In response to the grade, Arnold wrote her professor an email with references from the school's library that stated that Australia was both a continent and a country. The professor, however, was not convinced. Oh, my God. She replied that she would gladly re-examine her project,

but stood firmly by her belief that Australia was not a country. Quote, I want you to understand that any error in a project can invalidate the entire research project. The professor said, research is like dominoes. Pizza? If you accidentally... I love dominoes. I love dominoes. Jason loves dominoes. I love domino's. Jason loves Domino's.

I love Domino's pizza. Jason loves Domino's so much. I apologize, Jason. Corinne, do you love Domino's? Yeah, I ate it last night. No joke. I mean, Jason, you guys need to talk. Yeah, but you know what you're getting.

No. It's so good, it makes me question when is a baby a baby. They have a very pro-life stance. I'm sorry. Okay. Research is like Jason's favorite pizza in that if you accidentally knock over one piece, the entire set will also fall.

Yeah, we get how research works. What the fuck is this stuff? And that concludes Analogy 101. Arnold responded to her teacher's email providing a link from the About Australia section of Australia's government website. Yeah, girl. I love this woman, this young woman.

The professor responded again saying that she would review her assignment after she did some independent research. Stephen L. Nates, I love you. I can't take any more of this woman. Dude, that is fucking crazy. Are we guessing how old the student...

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, so let's guess how old the student is. The online sociology degree seeker, Ashley Arnold, how old is she? How old is she? How old is double A? She's 26. 22. 45. It's online Double A? She's 26. 22.

45. It's on the list. I think she's 19. She's 19. She's 53 years old. That would be so perfect. She is 27 years old. Oh, Jay!

Thank you. I love you guys. Thank you so much. And I love you girls, too. Thank you. All right, we got three more. Three more. A couple, three more.

Okay. Here we go. Sir, welcome to town. What's your name? I'm Chris. Hey, Chris. How's it going, man? Let's do this.

All right. I think the headline for this just basically explains it all. Perfect. Providence Police. Man yelled, you'll never catch me to officers before crashing ATV into potted plants. To be fair... Well, no, there's no reason to be fair. Hey, hey, cops didn't catch him, the plant did.

Yeah. Police say a man taunted officers yelling, you'll never catch me minutes before crashing his all-terrain vehicle in rhode island and getting caught by police authorities say 25 year old ruddy rodriguez was among a group of uh 15 driving su uh atvs and other vehicles erratically on providence streets uh police say rodriguez drove through a red light before mounting a sidewalk causing pedestrians to run out of the way.

His attempt to escape officers was cut short when he crashed into a large cement potted plant on the sidewalk. And I'm going to say this. You need to celebrate the party while it's happening. You're part of a gang of ATVs. Yeah. Can we just call this like

straight street justice? Why didn't the headline just be like man arrested while filming DMX video? Or DMX arrested while filming DMX video. Yeah, we don't know his real name. That could be his real name. Dude, that is awesome. Thank you so much. Great story, man. Great story. Oh, the hubris. It's like when plants attack. Hello, townie. Say your name. Hello, I'm Leanne. Oh, the hubris. It's like when plants attack.

Hello, townie, say your name. Hello, I'm Leanne. Hi, Leanne, welcome to town. This one is pretty simple. Billionaire refuses to pay taxes because of goose poop on lawn. Oh! Oh, I want somebody to just open hand smack this guy.

With a pair of white gloves. A billionaire. Birds going number two is this billionaire's number one problem. Someone needs to smack the person who wrote that. Horrible poem.

33-time gubernatorial candidate and former Buffalo Sabres owner, Tom Golisano, is so fed up with Canada geese turning the lawn of his upstate summer home into his own personal bathroom that he's refusing

to pay $90,000 in local taxes. Do you think there was like a random Tuesday where he was like, hey honey, whatever wife you are, I don't remember the number. Number four. What do you think I could do to get people to hate me more? Well, hon, you can make the Sabres tank and be a terrible team.

I'm on that. Definitely on that. You're doing a good job. Should I run for mayor again? Yeah. How many times have you done that? 32 times? Yeah, 32.

Let's go for 33. You know what? I want to round it out to a nice Jesus age. Okay, that's good. 33. What else can you do? What else could I do?

I could refuse to pay taxes because I can't help where birds shit. I mean, how would you expect a township to prevent geese from shitting? Yeah, did he propose something?

That's a lot of bullets. There are Canadian geese coming down here shitting on our lawns. I've said it. We've got to build that net. We've got to build that net. In front of Canada. Build that net.

Build a net in front of Canada and make Canada pay for it. All right, fine. Well, apparently he's tried fishing line repellent, fishing line repellent, and a wolf decoy. A wolf decoy? By the way, a wolf decoy to me sounds like a totally great new plot line on Game of Thrones.

Oh, yeah. Also, I'm going to start, that is a new level of rich. That motherfucker is wolf decoy rich. Yeah. How rich is that guy? He's got a wolf decoy. Wolf decoy also sounds like an indie rock band. Wolf parade, wolf mother, wolf decoy.

Is there anything else? Quote, this past summer it was horrible. We'd drive in and find 100 to 200 geese parked on our lawn. Said Golisano, who's 76, who's married to former tennis ace Monica Seles,

who's 44. No. Makes sense. Monica Seles, who was stabbed in the back during a match in Frankfurt, Germany,

I think, now has to live with this asshole? All the humanity. That was great. Dude, thank you so much for sharing this story. Thank you the humanity. That was great. Dude, thank you so much for sharing this story. Thank you. Amazing. Thank you.

I love our townies. All right. One more. Last one and we will be out there. That weighs like 50 pounds. Don't worry. What is in there? What do you have in there? Don't worry. Hey, you don't even have to tell. You keep your secrets.

What's your name, town don't even have to tell. You keep your secrets. You keep your secrets. What's your name, Tony? My name's Claire. Hi, Claire. Welcome to town. I love your energy, Claire. Thank you. I love yours. And I love the yellow. Thank you. Finally, the validation he so badly needs. For anybody that wondered what Woodstock

looked like when he grew up. There you go. Congratulations. I was like, I grew up. There you go. Congratulations. I was like, I'll take the jaundice. Okay. Sorry, I know I'm last. I'll try to keep it short. No, you got it.

The title is, the headline is, Woman Hides Drugs and Valentine's Day Card in Her Poop in Police Car. Oh! That's creative, and that's a great Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day card? Yeah. I guess because nothing says I love you.

More than shit smeared on a card. I should also say, because I've also read this story, don't at me when we do full versions of these stories later on on future shows, because I'm definitely going to do this one again later. Alright, hit it. Alright, hit it. Hit it. This is great.

If you love the newspeak, the first line just says everything. Do it. Sing songy it. Bring it to us. She didn't think they'd look there. She should have her license taken away. A Coruscant of Texas, was arrested for shoplifting, but the story doesn't stop there. Shannon Shinta, I'll leave her age out,

was apprehended. She Shinta done it. She Shinta-ed the guard. She really Shinta-ed the bed. Outside a grocery store, and put up a fight, but officers were able to place her under arrest and put her in the police jersey. She then decided she needed to do something

with the drugs she had on her. Her idea? Poop in the police car and hide the stuff in there. Oh, that's kind of smart. During transport, the suspect intentionally defecated in her pants and then concealed, I will not say how many grams

of crack cocaine, a crack pipe, and one Valentine's Day card into the defecation. The problem was it was one of those musical cards that you open up.

Somebody wants to know it. The world has got a romance. Because your kiss, your kiss is on my list. How big is that dump, though? But it's interesting because usually you eat the drugs and then shit it out, but she did the cold shit and then mixed it. Where she put it in and then mixed it.

There were mix-ins. Got to have it. Hey, honey, honey, what'd you do with the Valentine's Day card I gave you? No, I understand you got arrested. Bygones be bygones. I love you for you. I don't care about the fucking drugs. Where's the card I gave you?

Anyway, the rest of it is really bad newspeak, so I will not even subject you for you. I don't care about the fucking drugs. Where's the card I gave you? Anyway, the rest of it is really bad news speak, so I will not even subject you to that. But anyway, how many grams of cocaine do you think she had in her? Ooh, crack cocaine. I cannot play this game because I already admitted that I was. You can't play this game, but we can guess. I haven't seen it. Which one?

How much did they mix in? Outside a grocery store, shoplifting in a grocery store. I will tell you right, she's 32. What's a normal amount of grams? I don't do cocaine, so I can't. Neither do I. I've done it, but I still don't know that. I only do acid, so I don't know.

How many grams? What do you think, Jack? I'm going to say three grams. Three grams. I don't know what this means. Five. Fifteen grams. Fifteen. Wow. By the way, that was so confident. I don't know what this means. Five. Five grams. 15 grams. 15. Wow. By the way, that was so confident.

I'm so there. Okay. Well, I think a Valentine's Day card is about, what, 13 grams? I'm going to say she had 20 grams of crack cocktail. Yeah, you don't want to get caught with that. You all think way too highly of this woman. Half a gram. How many grams? It was

2.3 grams. 2.3. Thank you so much. That was awesome. Thank you guys. Thank you Townies. We're the Squad Brothers. Daniel Van Kirk.

Christina Hutchison. Corinne Fisher. Sorry about last night. Thank you guys. We gotta get back to work. Get back to work.