Dumb People Town - Corinne Fisher & Krystyna Hutchinson - Straight Outta My Dog's Dick

Episode Date: July 24, 2018

This week, Corinne Fisher & Krystyna Hutchinson (Guys We Fucked podcast) return to Dumb People Town with the Sklars and Dan Van Kirk! In Story #1, a cheating boyfriend is busted by a Jimmy John's delivery guy. In Story #2, a woman drinks her dog's still-hot urine and claims it has fixed her acne. In Story #3, a man is arrested after giving his drivers license to the teller at the bank he was robbing.

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Banders, don't be a jerk. That's when the music, which the funny hits, and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population guys, we effed. Yeah.

I just wanted to put that in there. We love having you guys on this show again. You did a live episode and now you're getting in, Corinne. So again, how fun was it that we did the live one in Brooklyn with you guys? So fun. First of all, what I loved about you guys is that you came for anybody who hasn't listened to it go back and listen to it it's like we didn't have to do even that much hey this is what you need to do and you both just immediately jumped right in and were perfect so it was great

to do it in front of an audience which you guys are prepping you guys have a great crowd good crowd but now to do it in the studio it's more intimate yeah it's really fun it's like when we did your awesome podcast guys we, which is fantastic. It's always in the top 10 in iTunes. For good reason. For a great reason. Not always. No, we're like number 27 right now.

Whatever. It's still up there, my lady. It's still up there. And it's because it's deeply personal. It's deeply real, which I love that you guys always take it to that place. Even just hanging out ahead of time, you're like, all right, we need to get fucked. Trying to get dick. Trying to get dick. Trying to get laid.

And it's not working. Trying to find some Sonny D and Ella. We can curse, right? Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, it's guys we effed. That's what I was asking.

I took it to there. I took it to there. Way to go, Jay. Sorry. Well, we believe on this podcast, as you know, that the world

is getting dumber. I don't know if you guys see that in the world. Don't you believe that? Is it happening in New York? Because I think of you guys obviously as deep, deep, deep New Yorkers. Has the dumbness reached what I

consider to be one of the smartest cities of the world? It's overtaken it, right? I think it's starting. It's starting to spread. The virus is spreading. Well, and even the smart people, I feel like all are sharing the same liberal view, which I think makes you dumber when you don't open yourself up to other ideas as well.

I'm noticing a lot of- The dumb echo chamber. Yeah, and then people not being able to talk to each other on different sides. I've seen a lot of fights break out in subways, just verbal sparring. Really? Yeah, but it's like a Fox News versus a CNN. They're not going to listen to each other. They're only going to drive the point in and twist the knife, and this is not going to

go anywhere. So world getting dumber, no one listen to each other. They're only going to drive the point in and twist the knife, and this is not going to go anywhere. So world getting dumber, no one listening to each other. We have only one way to fight back against it, and that's comedy through these stories. I was like, sit on the knife. Yeah, sit on the knife. Sit on the knife. Twist the knife.

See how it feels. Dan gets these unbelievable stories sent to him. We have not heard them. You guys have not heard them, but we're going to try and break them down. Let's jump into one, and then let's jump in all the stuff you have going on in the next segment here we go we'll take care of christina's emotional baggage we'll touch on everything

that christina's emotional baggage through uh it should be here on even two carousel two this was sent in by middle brow at Beer. Thanks, whoever you are. Is that a real beer? I'm going to read you the headline. Yes, thank you. Cheating boyfriend gets busted by Jimmy John's delivery guy. That's what I'm talking about. Yes.

Cut his dick off. We knew it wasn't going to be Papa John's because that guy's in his own hot water right now. Jimmy John's, though, that's a sandwich shop. Jimmy John's cares. They care. I didn't know they delivered. They deliver. They also deliver the news

about a cheating boyfriend. Let me read you the article. There's customer service, then there's Jimmy John's customer service. I call it customer cervix. Is this, wait, is this Jimmy John's, wait.

PR move? I was going to say, is this from their website? Jimmy John's jerking off onto this press release. Oh, Jimmy John's. Twitter user Kayla Spear shared a story

on Twitter Wednesday night about how she found out her long distance boyfriend was cheating on her. By the way, I love that she defines herself completely as

Twitter user. That's the only thing you need to know about her. Not 18 year old woman. That's where her self-esteem is at right now.

By the way, you're not on Facebook. Sharing a story on Twitter is a difficult thing to do. Yeah, it's hard to catch that viral weight. It's like a lot of tweets and stuff. Instagram stories. You know what? If I'm ever on any local news, I'm going to ask them.

No matter what I'm talking about, a car accident, I saw anything, I just want them to say Twitter user. Twitter user? Like a Daniel Van Kirk Twitter user. I have a lot to say about this situation. I'm going to use the most truncated method ever. Twitter user is almost the same as saying mouth breather. We all do it. Like every single human is on Twitter.

It started out innocently enough the night with her wanting to surprise her boyfriend of three months with a Jimmy John's sandwich while he was studying for finals. And I know 25 years is silver, one year is paper, three months is Jimmy John's. You send over the sub, you're like, it's on. Specifically the turkey tom. We tie

in the knot. I would like to say full disclosure as we get into this, I absolutely love Jimmy John's. It's real good. The toasted bread. It's good. Don't mess around. It's really good. Oh, my God. The toasted bread. It's good. It's all good. Yes.

They don't mess around. That's a sweet thing she did for her man. I absolutely love that, and you could tell. At the three-month point, though, are you still trying to run game? No, I think you've- It's been a while since I've been at the three-point. By three months, you're usually feeling like we're in this. Yeah.

But wait, how is it long distance after three months? Have they just never met? Like, was it on Tinder? This could be the beginning of a catfish. Yeah. They must be going

to maybe different schools but met? I don't know. But that's like a cute little, I'm going to send him a Jimmy Johnson. And he's like,

I'm going to send you a catfish. It all went down over Twitter. All right, here we go. I'm going to read you tweets. She is a,

and correct me if I'm wrong, she's a Twitter user. She is. No one even mentioned that. That's how she communicates. That's how she's identified. She is a Twitter user. She is. No one even mentioned that. That's how she communicates. That's how she is identified. That is exactly how it goes. Let me pull this up here.

So these are tweets written by Kayla. Let me just say before I read any of these tweets, I am 100% on her side. You are? Yes. Until I hear one tweet and then I'm be like i get it okay here we go ready yes i haven't pulled up i love you computer all right here we go from kayla i was dating a guy for a few months then period twitter user it just says i was

dating a guy for a few months then. Then period. Period. No, then, and you say to yourself, okay, I gotta hear the next one. We were long distance. She's actually stoking. Cliffhanger. She's stoking it out. We were long distance,

about three hours away from each other. How many retweets? He, not many. Always in the bottom line. Oh, Kayla. You're failing at your dream.

Not Twitter star. He was about to graduate college and was studying for his final exams. I was at work one evening and I thought, this is a new tweet, I would do something nice for my BF and ordered him at Jimmy John's. So now she's tagged Jimmy John's. So now she's dragging a corporation into the relationship. She needs a middleman. She's a delivery service, literally, for her message.

Yeah, I was at work one evening and I thought I would do something nice for my boyfriend and order him at Jimmy John's for dinner while he was studying for finals. That is so nice. You're like, he's studying for finals. I want to do a nice thing. He probably doesn't have time to get out. And I'm trying to go through her brain. Yeah.

Doesn't have time to get out and get food for himself. I'm going to send him a sub. Send him a country club, number 11. So good. Kayla said her boyfriend told her he was going to take a nap. And she let him know. In someone's vagina.

Where am I? I'm in this cave. No, no, no, you're not. I fall asleep in this. No, you're not. And she let him know that food was on the way when she didn't hear back she assumed he was asleep but then things started to get a little weird when i was placing this is now we're back to her tweets when i was placing

my order to the at jimmy john's employee i let them know that this was for my boyfriend who lived in that city and that I wouldn't be present when the food was delivered since I'm three hours away. That's a lot of details. That's a lot of information. She describes things like a child. We've been dating for three months.

Initially, we went out and I wasn't sure. I let him put his thumb in my ass. And it made me glad they're like do you want lettuce yeah yeah

I got all that did you say easy lettuce and some pepper so lots of mayo no I told you guys I told you guys

like my thumb up the ass story yeah no it's gonna talk about my daughters so no sorry I went on a long

car ride with my kids and we we stopped at Subway, and they had been to Subway without me. They were in Sunday with their babysitter, and, like, I watched- They had been to Subway without you? I watched- That's edgy, man. So, no. I watched my kids order Subway, and it was, like-

Like adults. But, like, things that they had never ordered ever in any, like- You're sitting there being like, do I even know you? Who are you? Who are you? Is my kid a genius? You're going to fucking kill me in my safe. Did you say banana peppers?

No. It was like tuna and jalapenos. Tuna and spinach and lettuce and tomato. I was like, what? What are you doing? Did they get it toasted? Yes. Damn.

I was like, okay, fine. You got some smart kids. You're going to kill me. But like that or the order is like, what are you doing? Did they get it toasted? Yes. Damn. I was like, okay, fine. You got some smart kids. You're going to kill me. But the order is like, you know. But so she's giving all this backstory to a pimply-faced kid who doesn't care. Right. She says at the end, so she said, I told him I wouldn't be present when food is delivered since I'm three hours away.

I also asked if it was okay for him to sign for me. I imagine the gym manager's like, yeah, whatever. Jimmy Johns, we don't care. You've already given us your credit card, but do you think we care who we hand this to? You're ordering a sub, not refinancing a house. Right. Do you know how it works? We're going to hand it to whoever answers the door. If that

person is the wrong person, we trust that you'll call us. If you don't ever call us why do we care it worked right it worked then she writes another tweet the order was placed and my boyfriend had texted me a little bit before letting me know he was gonna take a nap so i sent him a text saying food's on the way please leave a tip i didn't hear back i want to cheat on her please leave a tip is like she's so annoying leave him a tip because i know you won't leave maybe they wouldn't let her do it i didn't hear back from him for a bit but i just assumed he was sleeping the delivery driver

double checked that the order was for her boyfriend and that she was not in town. She confirmed their long-distance relationship, saying that she was not in town with her boyfriend. The delivery driver then came clean. You know women who have to 27 times in a conversation mention the word, he's my boyfriend? You're holding on tight. Kayla, girl, you're grasping on because you know he's slipping away.

He's on his way out. You feel it through your fingers. Now it's slipping away. He's on his way out. You feel it through your fingers. Now, it's getting complicated. Here's her tweet. Her phone rings. This is after the food should have been delivered.

Her phone now rings and it's an area code in the three hours away. It's Jimmy John's. I picked up the phone assuming they were just informing me that the food was delivered

You know the way To your boyfriend To my boyfriend Who are in a long Distance relationship He's three hours away We're going to Different schools

Right But he is my boyfriend He's studying I'm not saying I'm gonna transfer But I've thought about it I'm gonna transfer To Millersville University

I filled out Half the paperwork Right So she says I assumed I picked up Assuming they were I'm going to transfer to Millersville University. I filled out half the paperwork. Right. So she says, I assumed, I picked up, assuming they were just informing me that the food was delivered, or maybe there was something wrong with my card. But I was dead wrong. Oh!

Oh, jeez. Literally. Here's the next tweet. They, at Jimmy John's Delivery driver Asked me If this order Was for my boyfriend Jesus I thought that was The one thing

That was clear She said 80 times Why What did he say When you said It's for your girlfriend Was he like

Not cool Did he like look down Or did he look you in the eye Did he look down So the person Imagine this dude Delivering this stuff Calls over and be like, hey, that was your boyfriend? That's what happened.

That's what happened. They asked if this order was for my boyfriend. And I said, yes, it was. For my boyfriend. And that I didn't live in the same city. He said, ma'am, I get it. Kayla, believe in yourself more. And that I was surprising him.

Yes, ma'am, we know this. She's the worst storyteller. God, Oprah Mayer is lit. Everyone needs an editor. This woman needs two. This is all in the same tweet. You ready for the last sentence? Yeah.

I thought it was odd because I told them originally that the order was for my boyfriend. You know what? I'm happy I'm single. Oh, my God. This is like Mad Libs, but every now and my boyfriend. You know what? I'm happy I'm single. Oh my God. This is like Mad Libs, but every now and his boyfriend. For the record, it's just BF every time. She's saving space.

She needs the characters. Okay. The Jimmy John's driver then asked me if this order was for my BF. And I said, yes, it was. Not the woman with no pants on. The delivery driver. That was a new tweet. Who signed for it? The delivery driver continued by saying this, quote.

Oh, that was a waste of. Look. Did you say that was a waste of Twitter characters? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she didn't have to say that. She wrote, the delivery driver continued by saying this, ellipses and quote. Oh, my God. Kayla, she didn't have to say that. She wrote, the delivery driver continued by saying this, ellipses and quotes. Oh, my God.

Kayla, this is your problem. Ready? Imagine you picture, hello? Look. I'm about to tell you something that's going to be upsetting. Kayla, I feel like we've been through a lot. Standing up? Yeah.

I feel like I know a lot about you and your long distance boyfriend. Kayla, you can use what I'm about to tell you to empower yourself. He's very pro. You can become a superhero. He's on the right side of it. He's an advocate. He said, look, we usually don't do this, but I think you would like to know, dot, dot, dot. Is she going to make the next lemonade?

When we walked- The next Beyonce lemonade. Is she going to make the next lemonade? When we walked up to the door to your BF's place, we were able to see into his apartment. Oh, my God. And he was in his boxers. Who's we? Is there a group of Jimmy Johns? Is he training somebody?

One person holds a sandwich. This is like a low rep. I need help to deliver the sandwich. Jimmy Johns version of training Day with Ethan Hawke. He's bringing along the training. The rookie. He's got a rookie with him. He said, when we walked up to the door to your boyfriend's place. Okay, because you know we don't live in the same town.

We were able to see into his apartment, and he was in his boxers with a naked woman on top of him on the couch. And they were like, score! I only got one sandwich! But we got her for 12 minutes. with a naked woman on top of him on the couch. And they were like, score! Yeah. I only got one sandwich. But we got her for 12 minutes. Oh, my God. Kayla continued by saying she had some follow-up questions for delivery driver. I bet she did.

He was like, oh, God. Kayla, come on. We're not sounding this. You won't go back? Can you please go back? She said he. Can you FaceTime me? FaceTime me and walk back up to the door i have someone here to right uh she said she had some follow-up questions for the delivery driver he could facetime her he could have and honestly walk back up to the door what a great way to say gotcha bitch right here's what she said tweets

i had a few follow-up questions for the delivery guy. Extremely upset and confused. That was a... Understandable. Understandable. Which he so graciously answered, which confirmed that it was, in fact, my boyfriend who was on the couch with the naked woman. So what was he like? She was like, break it down for me.

Is his dick leaning to the left? So he's trying to make sure that it wasn't delivered to the wrong house. I need verification. That's nice that she didn't jump to a conclusion. She's nice enough to order a sandwich for her boyfriend who was supposed to be studying for his finals. She's going to find out the information

before she opens up a can of whoop-ass. New tweet. So that's how I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, all caps, by the Jimmy John's delivery guy. Did she at Jimmy John's? At Jimmy John's. Yes. No, she did it separately.

Yes, because she really wanted that retweet. Right, yes. She wants to tag it. In the end, though, Kayla sounded grateful for Jimmy John's honesty about the situation and thanked them for going above and beyond. Quote, not many would do what that delivery driver did, and I'm very grateful he called me and was honest about the situation. Hashtag WWJD, what would Jimmy John's do? Okay.

This to me should be Jimmy John's new thing. Like, not only do we deliver your subs, we deliver bad news. Well, and Kayla was very smart in tweeting them because they're like you know what they probably need

a creative advertising campaign yeah that's it and I'm gonna give it to them Jimmy John's just looking out it's a pro JJ story Quiznos would have joined in in the orgy

Quiznos would have fucked the girl with toasted her buns and Subway would have just oh yeah here's what Jimmy here's what Jimmy Johns did do. Oh, boy.

At Jimmy Johns tweets. When she tweeted out, so that's how I found out by the Jimmy Johns delivery guy at Jimmy Johns, they retweeted that with a quote retweet and they said,

Kayla, all caps, exclamation point. Yeah. What the fuck? I'd love to cater your breakup party. Yeah. It's just Jimmy Johns being smart. I think I'd love to cater your breakup party. Yes. Oh!

This is Jimmy John's being smart. I think I'm going to cry. This is beautiful. Christina's crying. Step up. Let me know. And I like that they're saying I'd and me, not us here at Jimmy John's. As though Jimmy John is a guy.

It's Jimmy. Yes. Jimmy is saying. This is JJ himself. Yeah. Let me know. John Schnatter. Let me know when and where.

Please DM me your address and contact info and I'll make it happen. I mean, that sounds like he's just going to fuck her. He's going to deliver a sandwich with his dick. Kayla, that's right. Single now. Looks like I have a new boyfriend, Jimmy. My new boyfriend, Jimmy. Has a one foot sub.

Guys, that story won. Wow. I like that. My new boyfriend, Jimmy. Has a one-foot sub. Guys, that story won. Wow. I like that. That was great. Wasn't that great? She finds the delivery guy. Suspenseful. And obviously, Jimmy Johnson better be thanking the delivery guy.

He helped this whole PR move happen. He did watch a naked lady bone somebody. I mean, that was a little odd, but whatever. Whatever. He waited a while to deliver it. He did. He could have just walked up and rang the doorbell. And if their curtain's open doing that, and she texted him, said, I just had food delivered

to you. He's an idiot. Yeah, but his phone was probably down by the time the woman was there. So he didn't know that, he did not get the text that food is coming. Yeah. Yeah. And no one also thinks that a delivery person's going to, like, inark you. True. I never would have thought that.

He probably thought he was going to be coming before the food was coming. Hey! Hey! Alright, one story down in the books. I love it. There's so much more show to come after this. Stay with us, Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to

DPT Dumb People Town. We want to remind people we're going to be at the petaluma petalama comedy festival in petaluma we're doing a live dumb people town at the mystic theater that is on august 17th that's a friday night and then we're doing stand-up show after that daniel doing one on saturday so get tickets to that festival it's an amazing fact crab feast is there a bunch of other great uh podcasts there uh you guys have a fantastic podcast if you're not listening to Guys Be Fucked, from our fans, get on that train.

It is fantastic. I feel like I learn something new every time I listen to the podcast. I know I brought this up the last time, but I often will think about, I want to get into the business of the girl who just, guys call her up,

and she ignores them. I want to be, okay, in that, how can you feel great about yourself? You're like, I'm doing a service. She has multiple cars. Many cars. She owns. And homes.

And she owns a home. She owns two homes. She owns two homes. And these are like Fortune 500 CEOs, like CEOs of companies who basically, these are the people who, dudes who just tell people what to do all day and shit on people all day they want to call her and just talk to her and be ignored yeah so she'll put

the phone down and do a bunch of like cleaning toenails or something she'll get stuff done yeah multitask and then pick up the phone and be like and just i don't know what does she say uh-huh or just you've reached the ignore line she said said she says. You've reached the ignore line. So fuck you. And then she goes about her day. Can we seriously all figure out how to get into that business right now? Hey, you would have thought that I have an ignore line business, but I don't. Oh, come on.

It does work though. If you treat people like trash, then they can't stop trying to fuck you. I know. I was trying. This one guy was texting. I'm like, he never texted me back. And I was likeinne you text him and then she texted him he called i texted him well guess i'll go fuck myself called right away wow mic drop so you gotta neg people you gotta neg people and be shitty to them and you are at least yep or be like unavailable yeah yeah i'm too. I'm too nice and I'm too

available. Well, because it was like, Christina sent a bunch of really nice texts, informative. So kind. Then six hours went by and I go, I'll handle this. Give me the phone. Give me the phone. She answered my phone and then as a man was climbing over the fence into her backyard

to fuck her. Yeah, I said, hi, this is Christina Hutchinson's phone. How can I help you? Yeah, how can I not fuck her. Yeah, I said, hi, this is Christina Hutchinson's phone. How can I help you? Yeah, how can I not help you? Jesus, yeah. How can I ignore you? Yeah, you fucking asshole. How can I ignore you? Well, you guys are so deeply personal on the podcast

and get personal with people. Like, is the fact that you guys are single now, does that change the vibe of it? Yeah, I mean, I guess we were wrong with everything we said. Or not. Or not. Isn't that a book we wrote? Oh, boy, that's awkward.

Whatever. Whatever. Can we 86 that? No. No, but think of all the people that are single who listen to your podcast who are like, oh, my God, they're going, they're not untouchable. Oh, I'm fucking our boyfriends now. Oh, yeah.

No. No, not, you know, maybe a couple. Some maybe. A couple out of a lot, which isn't bad. No, but you know what it is? I like a lot. Now, we, Corinne and I have developed all these tools to communicate with somebody in terms of casual sex.

Before you have sex with somebody, you want to make sure when was the last time they got tested. Thank you. We know how to say those things out of people, and so now I have all these tools, and now I can use them. There you go. Is your girlfriend three hours away? When's the Jimmy John's coming?

Is there food that's going to be ready? Are you going down for a nap? Are you going down for a nap? But are you using the- Are you going down for a nap? Going down for a nap is what you say to a child. Yeah. I got to put him down for a nap. But are you really using the things that you-

Yeah. Yeah, you are. Yeah. Good. It's fun. I reread a chapter that I wrote in our book, and I was like, oh, that is good advice. It's great advice. I just heard that.

Who wrote that? I wrote that. I got to thank whoever wrote that. I read all of her breakup material in the book as I was crying. What is the book, by the way? It's called Fucked, Being Sexually Explorative and Self-Confident in a World That's Screwed. Please pick that up. Amazon.

That speaks to you. Get it. Local bookshop. Love it. Yeah, support your local bookshop. The garbage. Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.

Those free libraries on the highways. Yeah. I love those free libraries. Honestly, they're great. My brother put them in there, yeah. But you guys do a lot of live shows and touring too, and you'll do the podcast, or you'll do a version of it,

which is, I love, again, actually, we learned a lot from you in terms of you guys are very interactive with your fans, especially in a live version of your show which we were like oh we need to do that more with this show and yeah because and we do it with live oh your live show setup is fucking great it engages them so much like you'll call part of it you'll call people's ex-boyfriends yeah that is insane yeah that was really crazy i missed that what's the craziest experience you ever had with that?

Montreal, JFL, that prank call got a standing ovation, actually. This girl came up to us. Do you remember this? And she said her boyfriend, she wasn't sure if her boyfriend was gay or not. But she found out that he does gay porn. Wow. She found out but didn't want to address it with him. So we called him.

We basically asked him like do you know like I pretended to be a porn agent and I really wanted to sign and I pitched him like the gayest scenario

I'm like you slowly back into a male Liza Minnelli and like blah blah blah and he didn't know who Liza Minnelli was and I was like he's not gay

not gay you're gay but then he said that he would what did he say he was like yeah but I'll suck his dick. I don't care. He said he'll do something.

He's gay. Yeah. And then. It's very weird. God, it took so many turns. And then at the end of the call, he mentioned like, yeah, I'll eat a girl out. And I was like, what? That's disgusting.

I was so appalled. He's like, no, I'm just kidding. I'll suck a dick. I'll get a dick out my butt. And he got, he like, he like barfed out all these things he's done with men. And did you reveal

at all that who you were? No, I just said I was an agent and then I would call back. But the call lasted. So I got him any good gigs now? Yeah.

I got him a three picture deal. He probably has gotten some. I got him some work. I got him some work. That's how it ended. All right, Daniel, we got another story.

We do. You ready? Yes. Sent in by Brent Cummins. That was his name, right? Yeah. That was his porn name. That was his porn name.

Brent B. Cummins. Slash Motor City HDJ at Motor City HDJ. Motor Boat City. I'm going to read you the headline. Okay. Woman drinks her dog's urine and claims it has cleared her acne there you go hey it's hard to get rid of okay it's really embarrassing i call that being proactive sklar brothers and all your complaints i got a thumbs up from someone uh a woman has

taken to the annoying phrase you have to suffer to be beautiful, to new lows after drinking her dog's still hot urine from a plastic cup. Oh, at least chill it. Chill it. Gross bitch. Chill it. Shake it in some ice. By the way, that means you have to collect the urine. I don't know if anybody's got a dog.

I have a dog. You have to get under that wee. Oh! That's a photo that's going to be on our Facebook page. Because you know context. I just showed everybody a photo of her drinking urine out of a little plastic cup. Can I just say that I'm seeing her drinking urine out of a plastic cup. I'm just seeing her sleeve.

And I'm just going to assume that, and the fact that she's outdoors, she's at the Lilith Fair. Oh, God. No, but listen to me. She has a great cat eye. She does have a great cat eye. She does have a really good cat eye. A smoky cat eye. It's quite precision.

But here is the thing. Like, this is the moment where you're like, you look at everyone at the dog park and you're like, who's too close with their dog? Yeah. Oh, I've seen that in New York. Right? Who's holding that dog a little too close? I mean, that's me. Alfred's current dog sitter getting a little too close to her dog.

Oh, yeah. Is your current dog sitter? Yeah. They might be fucking, but as long as my dog's happy. Alright. But what if your dog was like, if you were like, I know this makes my dog happy if I drink. Is it a he or she? It's a he. If I drink his pee, I know it'll

make him happy? I mean, that's just too much. That's a big ass. He won't know. He needs to relax. Yeah, I mean, my dog wouldn't be bothered if I drank his urine, but I wouldn't. You wouldn't. No. Would you allow your dog sitter? If it was to clear my skin, I might. Nuh-uh. Oh, that's true.

If I would have perfect skin, I would absolutely drink my dog's urine. Really? He's a little angel. This was... I'm going to keep going. That's your defense? Let me say this. Okay, I ate a piece of my wife's placenta.

Like, in not... I didn't know that's where that was going to go. It came in a pill. And she was like, why are you doing that? That's mine. It was a pill. Oh, no, it wasn't done yet. No, but it was in a pill. Pill form. They put it in pill was going to go. It came in a pill. And she was like, why are you doing that? That's mine. It was a pill. Oh no, it wasn't done yet. No, but it was in a pill, pill form.

They put it in pill form and you don't even know. So what if they could put dog urine in pill form that you don't even know. You wouldn't even have to put it in pill form. Yeah, we would just drink it. I would just fucking drink it if it would make my skin better. We really want clear skin. Back up. Why did you eat it?

Because it's good for you. It's good for you. Yeah, he's right. It has amazing nutrients. Wait, wait, wait. Yes, this is so LA though. What if it tasted- I also wanted to try it.

I also was like, I want to eat placenta. Okay, but what- When you've been married for a long time, you get bored. How much? Let me have some- Let me get a spice-

I want to froth your placenta around in my mouth real quick, babe. Throw me some of that placenta. How much of a guarantee would you need that it would clear up your skin? I mean- Just that- 45%?

It would. That's someone saying to you it could clear it up. It might. You would do it if it could clear it up. you just 45% it would I was going for 70 it could clear it up it might you would do it if it could clear it up hey

skin problems have haunted us it's overwhelming I know terrible you just walk in and you're like well this make me pretty

the dog piss section of Sephora is just jammed with people but that's the irony of the beauty industry like I've been you know

facing all these Sephora shells my whole life, and then this fucking dog piss is what's going to clear my skin. That makes sense, to be honest. You know who wants to suppress that? Sephora. Sephora doesn't want this story to come out. Sephora doesn't want you to know this. But it's also like, when you think about it, it's like we've had cum on our faces.

That didn't clear it up. We all have. We all have. I'm sorry. I was speaking as the other guy who was the boyfriend at JFL. All right. Sorry. This was reportedly a bid by Lin Liu to cure her acne and give her a natural glow.

Lin Liu, by the way, sounds like a Chinese foreign exchange. Yeah. Despite scientific evidence of this being actually potentially harmful to the human body. Okay. Disturbingly, Lin also appears to believe dog urine could cure cancer, which I'm sure I don't need to add, it does not. The person writing this

wants to make a few things clear. FYI, she's full of shit. They're just writing a big middle finger to their boss. I know we've been

a little loose with the facts these days, but I'm going to put this one out there and say no. Fake news. In gruesome footage, which I will not be showing,

nor have I watched, but the link will be up on Dumb People Town Facebook page. In gruesome footage, which has since gone viral, the unusual beauty advisor can be heard saying...

It puts a new meaning to gone viral. Yeah. Your viral load. Many of you have asked me how I always look so good, how my makeup always looks so perfect.

Many of who? By the way, you guys did say she had a great cat eye. That's always looks so perfect. Many of who? By the way, you guys did say she had a great cat eye. That's a lot of precision. She has a magnifying mirror, though. That's how that happened.

We identified her makeup being great on this show. Or you ask how I always have this natural glow. Here's my secret. Apparently, answering this burning question,

the woman then proceeds to collect her dog's pee. This is in the video. Then slurps it straight down like freshly squeezed lemonade on a sunny day. Oh, boy. You know what I feel like the reality is? No one asked her how she got that glow. She just really wanted to tell people.

She didn't even ask herself. There was a moment when the writer was like, should I put it on a sunny day? Should I include that in there? Because freshly squeezed lemonade, that would have done it. Right. At my mom have done it. Right. At my mom's yard sale. Yeah. The internet collected that.

Freshly squeezed lemonade on a partially cloudy day. No, that's not. That doesn't feel right. Freshly squeezed lemonade at my uncle's funeral. That's not doing it. On a sunny day. That feels right. Right out of my dog's dick.

The person writing this definitely is not afraid to share their opinion. The internet collectively gagged, and it doesn't currently look like this trend will catch on anytime soon. However, Thirsty Lynn was adamant this repulsive remedy has helped cure her skin problems, claiming, quote, Until I first drank my dog's pee, I was depressed, I was sad, and I had bad acne.

Now you're just sad. Got through a lot before we got to the skin curing. It does cure depression. Because you're like, I can't get any lower. Right. Well, I mean, fine, you have great skin, but no one's going to kiss you because your breath smells like dog piss.

I don't think she said anything about not brushing her teeth. True. She brushes her teeth with her cat shit. Dog pee also has vitamin A in it, vitamin E in it. Just take a fucking supplement. And has 10 grams of calcium, and it's also proven to help cure cancer. They're really selling this.

Not true. Sharing the video on her Facebook page, Lynn Liu also made the following bold conspiracy claims. It can cure a concussion. I mean, if you're in this deep, you might as well start. Tom Cruise is gay. The pharmaceutical companies are keeping this a secret out of the public eye. They pay lobbyists to get politicians to make you buy expensive pain medicine and chemo. What does that have to do with skin?

I'm already on board. Chemo, sign me up. This is the secret to cure cancer, alleviate pain, and prevent the swelling of joints. If you don't have your own dog, just steal one from a neighbor. Whoa. Now you lost all credibility. I was on board until you said that. Yeah, she shouldn't have encouraged.

Yeah, you don't need to steal a full dog either. Just steal their pee. Yeah. But you do have to camp out under the dog. That's what I'm saying. You come out of your house and your neighbor's just walking around your front yard putting bowls in the ground. Like, what are you doing? Okay, so you walk Alfred out and you go to walk him to take a leak.

And he goes out to the one tree that's on the sidewalk and the thing and if you on the leash then start to come close with a cup he's gonna be like what are you doing right he's gonna move away

and be like what is my owner doing in this incident he probably would I mean he goes because he pees on the side because he's a boy he lifts up

and goes on the wall I might be able to catch some but he like and also dogs like to pee in private right I'm saying

I don't know how she's able she's rude me neither she's probably scarring the dog emotionally she is she's having this private moment for the dogs like to pee in private. Right. I'm saying, I don't know how she's able to. She's rude. Me neither. She's probably scarring the dog emotionally. She is. She's having this private moment for the dogs. You can pee pad train them and then bring the pee pad out into a tub.

Maybe the dog is like a water fountain and you're just like. Go underneath. Might as well if you're doing that. Certified holistic nutritionist Joy McCarthy told Allure, drinking dog or human urine, otherwise known as urine therapy, has been around for hundreds of years and has been practiced as a health therapy in ancient Egypt, Greece, and Rome. And look how well the Egyptians are doing.

They didn't have anything else as medicine. They didn't have Sephora in ancient Egypt. Yeah. Urine is mostly made up of water, lots of urea, creatine, various electrolytes,

uric acid, trace proteins, and low levels of antibodies and enzymes. McCarthy added, my take on this is there are far better

ways to get healthy than drinking dog urine. Okay, now let me put it to you this way. What if it tasted okay? Yeah. That changes it. Doesn't this way. What if it tasted okay? Yeah. That changes it. Doesn't even matter.

That changes everything, right? Well, what if it just tasted fine? But urine to me, correct me if I'm wrong, is the waste that your body says,

I can't use this at all. It is sterile though. Like, you know, if you get stung by a jellyfish, you pee on yourself. So there's something about it. Yeah.

It works in some ways. a healer lady said, if you take a cotton pad, if you have a a healer lady said if you take a cotton pad, if you have a stye in your eye and you take a cotton pad and you get some of your pee on it and you dab it, it goes away.

Oh. Yeah, and I did it and it works. But would it work for you? You did? You did? I got to tell my mom. Oh my God. She got styes?

Yeah. But that's your own pee that's on your dog's pee. Your own pee. Well, it could be your dog's. Could be. She says, my take on this is that there's better ways to get healthy than drinking dog urine. For instance, drinking lemon and water to stimulate the gastric juices for better digestion

or apple cider vinegar in water has been touted for everything from weight loss to detoxification effects. Both of these health habits are far tastier and safer than dog urine. Well, actually, I can't confirm the dog urine is not tasty. This is more op-ed. Oh my gosh. McCarthy also explained to Allure how this practice could

be dangerous due to herbicides from hormones, lawns, and antibiotics having been detected in dog urine. So, dumb people, Tom Burdick, do been detected in dog urine. So, dumb people, Tom and Verda, do not drink your dog pee. Don't drink your dog urine. This is your chance to not do it. Agreed. Which way are these people's phone numbers? The dumb people?

Oh, just call them. That'd be great. You want a follow-up interview for your own publication? Is this Lynn Liu? We're just doing a story for a DPT podcast. Thank God, guys. So many people have been asking me. The DPT Times. Hi. We just wanted to ask you

how you get that amazing glow. Yeah, you, yeah. Oh, you guys should do that. The Dan Van Kirk, Randy Jason Sklar. We're here from Dog Urine by Monthly. Yeah.

I've been waiting. We want a follow-up. Story two. Here's, wow. There you go. I love that you made that number two. Of course.

Oh, there should be number one. Should be number one, but it was number two. Read us just the headline of the next or give us just a taste of what we're going to see in the final segment.

Oh, just a dumb bank robber. Great. I love it. I just love that in this day and age, people are still robbing banks. Yeah.

It's so sweet. It is, isn't it? It's like he didn't learn how to code, so he had to go into the bank. It's the cracker barrel of criminals.

Yeah, keep it alive. We still listen to records. It still happens. By the way, I do. All right, so we had to go into the bank. It's the cracker barrel of criminals. Yeah, keep it alive. We still listen to records. It still happens. By the way, I do. All right. When we come back, our final segment of Don't People Tell, stay with us. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to DPT. I want to remind everyone, follow the Facebook page. And we have exciting news. We're introducing a DRIP, which is like a Patreon system for our podcast. We're going to be rolling that out very soon. Yeah. In August, it'll be a chance for you guys to get more content and interact with us more

and get awesome stuff. And we're just really excited about it. Yeah, I think we finally have it all set up and I just can't wait to be able to give more opportunity for people to become part of the town. I know, we've talked about it for a while. Wait, when your book came out, you guys would read the names of everybody

who bought your book. Oh, yeah. That was it for a while. When your book came out, you guys would read the names of everybody who bought your book. Oh, yeah. That was a long time ago. We did. That's crazy. I know. Awesome. And I can't pronounce anything.

Dan, do you have a problem with that, Dan? You know what? That was actually funny when you could not pronounce it. It's so fun. But it was endearing. I loved it. It was endearing, and you kind of gave her some shit for that.

Yeah, yeah. Why wouldn't you? I can't read. I can was endearing. I loved it. It was endearing and you kind of gave her some shit for that. Yeah, yeah. Why wouldn't you? I can't read. I can't spell. I can't pronounce. It was funny to see you kind of work it out or listen to you try.

Well, there might be an element of that. That's what I offer the podcast. There will be an element of that. Just watch me work it out. There will be. My question for you guys, what's the best way

for our fans and people who love you to find out when you guys are performing live, to follow you guys on Twitter. And you guys are great followers on Instagram and Twitter as well. Well, if they can just take a picture of me

at an unflattering angle. Hashtag it body positive and then I'll get back to them. Boom. No, social media. Our duo social media started about last night on all the platforms. And then it's, I'm Christina Hutch.

And I'm at philanthropy gal on all social media that's the most up to date okay good and people can see when you guys are going to be doing live stuff because it's fun

you do a lot of live shows in New York as well yeah and last night we had a party at our house and we did a live stream Instagram thing and it's kind of like

chat roulette and you can you can like have people have people oh no we saw two dicks two dicks Two dicks

And one of them Looked gnarly Like a cone You know the Job of the hut Job of the hut I know job of the hut I didn't want to shame

On my whole career But I did want to ask I want you guys To get heavy Into dick shaming It was a Yeah it was a That's actually

The only rule On guys we fucked Is that we don't Dick shame Yeah That's the only rule Which does work Kinds That's nice But yeah You can video people Fucked is that we don't dick shame. That's the only rule. I think that's very nice. But yeah, you can video people in.

The dick's got to swing both ways, guys. If somebody sends you a request while you're a live Instagram video and they'll say they want to join you, so you pick one of the people who wants to join and then the screen splits and you're just talking to some random... There's a guy from India we talked to.

So everybody who's watching you... An 11-year-old little girl. We're like, oh! No! Why? I mean, we weren't doing anything bad. We curbed our language. Of course.

We were like, oh, do you listen to the podcast? She goes, this is my first time on Instagram. And I was like, oh. You picked the wrong corner. Yeah. But thank God she got us and not a dick. I know. Seriously.

Yeah. You've got to be careful, girl. This is why I told my kids they can't have Instagram. Rightfully so Thank you 13 still no Instagram Am I holding out I'm doing a good job I think that's great

She doesn't need it She'll have it eventually You don't need it My son was on Fortnite Which I fought so hard against He was talking to his friend They were both playing Fortnite together

His friend was at his house And then I heard this Like deeper voice And I'm like Who that be I just got up in it And I was like Who that and i'm like get off and i and i'm like yelling at this guy get out of my son's fortnight and i was yelling get out of here and i was like we got to have a really serious talk yeah weird people lurking yeah that's what the internet is

yeah and as long as the kids can identify that and get themselves out of the situation but that's a very important by the way the internet is and get themselves out of the situation. But that's a very important talk to have. By the way, the internet is, and I think we just, we basically define it right now. It's a Jabba the Hutt dick that you can't see. There you go. And it's coming for you. Yeah. And it wants to infiltrate your Instagram line.

And it's really thick at the base and really skinny at the end. It's horrible. It's like a pagoda. It's like, I don't know if I want to fuck this or hang a prayer flag for me. Yo, we got that pagoda dick. That was the name of my favorite Chinese restaurant in my hometown.

Pagoda. The pagoda, yeah. Now you've ruined it. Not anymore. Did I tell you guys the joke that I knew? I've said this on the show. The time that I knew, I was on a date with a woman

and I was young. And I was like, this is not going to go any further past this joke that you didn't get that I just told. So, you know, it's like, it's just not, it can't. We can't buy it.

It's like when you do jokes in your stand-up back where you throw out like a little joke early and you're like, if you didn't get that, you're going to hate this coming up. Always. Oh, yeah. During my life. I was at a Chinese restaurant and we looked at, if you didn't get that, you're going to hate this coming up. Always. I was at a Chinese restaurant and we looked

at, I was looking up at this huge ornate lamp with a bunch of tassels on it and I just said to her, do you know how many Chinese people had to graduate in order to make that lamp? No laughs! It's a chandelier of failure. Both of you guys, we would have still been dating. But this woman just looked at me like I just literally... That's so funny

though. That I just drank dog piss. I would have left the restaurant. That was a great joke. That's a walk off. If you can't recognize that you gotta get out. I literally was like

this girl is cute. I should be with her. She's smart. And then when she didn't get the joke I was like that's it. She didn't get it.

It's not like she thought it was racist or something. No. I don't even know. Maybe she didn't like it. Maybe she didn't get it. Either way. She wasn't it was racist or something. I don't even know. Maybe she didn't like it. Maybe she didn't get it. Either way. She wasn't on the same page.

That was such a clever joke. You're like, that deserves more from I'm 18 or 19 or 21. That was improvised. That was spurred home out the cuff. There's so much to appreciate about that joke. I appreciate that. All right. Ready for a final story?

Let's get into a final story. It's a little one, but it's fun. Sent in by Wolfpack at gmen5692. Enjoy Raleigh. Columbus, Ohio. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. That's where my ex's from.

The Ohio State University. The Ohio State University. Not a lot of good stuff happens in Columbus. We're Michigan guys, so I get it. Columbus police have arrested a man

they say gave his driver's license to the teller at the bank he was robbing. Dude, you deserve it. You deserve it. I'm going to rob a bank. Should I bring my wallet with me?

Yeah, I just want to let him know it's me. Should I bring my wallet? Honey, should I bring my wallet with me? I'm going to go rob this place. I'm going to pick up Sudafed. I'm going to bring it. Should I leave my ID out? They might ask me at CVS.

According to court documents, Sudafed saw the movie. I'm going to bring it. I'm going to bring it. Should I leave my ID out? Oh, they might ask me at CVS. All right. According to court documents, David Menser is accused of robbing four Central Ohio banks between May 23rd and June 12th. So Mensa is like super smart. Yeah. Menser, super dumb. Yeah. Yeah. From May 23rd to June 12th.

One more consonant and it's like dumb. He robbed four Central Ohio banks. That's a lot of banks. Is he trying to save the house? He's trying to save the record store. He didn't get caught. He's four for five. That's a good... To me it tells me he didn't ask for enough at the first bank.

He kept going back for more. He's addicted to the thrill of it. Terrible klepto. This is like a natural born killer thing. During a robbery on June 4th at the Huntington Bank on 1800 Hillard Rome Road, add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour. Hell yes. For sure.

The sheriff's office said Menser was tricked into giving the teller his driver's license. I love this teller already. All right, Sarah Palin. I got tricked. I got tricked. I got tricked. He pulls some mental jujitsu on me Oh my god

I'm gonna show you guys a picture I see his photo in the reflection of the glass And I feel like I just got assaulted I'm gonna show you a picture of David Mentzer He's not drinking urine He looks like the oldest Like an old vampire Oh my gosh

Oh Oh Actually This is the worst character Ben Kingsley's ever seen. He looks like he's trying to write a poem in his head. He's so resigned to the fact he's been arrested. He's just like, you got me. Oh my God, he looks so disappointed in himself.

Also seems like the type of guy who's angry that he has to wear a shirt. You know those guys whose shirt's off all the time? Always working on his car, talking about his divorce. Shaves his chest with like a Bic razor, but one of those like single blade ones. Single blade Bic. Try, try. And you just hear it like,

try. Yeah! It doesn't take it, it just pulls it out. It doesn't cut it off. Oh my God. Great cat eye though. I regret going into that.

Great cat eye. Right? I mean, this guy's makeup is smokey eye. According to court documents, Mentzer approached the counter and presented a demand note for money that said, quote, I have a gun. The teller gave Mentzer money

and a dye pack. So she was getting him no matter what. Mentzer took the money and put the dye pack on the counter. What's a dye pack? It explodes. Oh, it's like when you steal clothes. Oh, do they do that when you steal clothes?

Yeah, well, they put the tags with the blue die in them. So if you pull it off, you'll ruin your clothes. Good, smart. So he took all the money, then took the die pack, put it on the counter. He's like, don't need this. He knew. This is his fourth thing.

I'm too smart for you. Give me my ID. Oh, he probably had the same look in his face. Can't fool me. Here's my ID. And you know he was riding high on that movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

High on that movie. No thanks, not today. She was like, for all returns, we need an ID. Right. Documents say Menser told the teller he wanted more money. The teller told him a driver's license was required. She says a driver's license. Dude, this is such smart thinking. She is a baller. By the driver's license is such smart thinking.

She is a baller. By the way, this is such smart thinking in a crazy moment. She better have gotten a promotion. The teller told him a driver's license was required to use the machine to get out more cash. Menser reportedly then gave the teller his license to swipe through the machine

and the bank and then left the bank with the additional cash. So he got it. Of course. He probably felt so good when he pulled away. I'm walking on sun. Yeah, yeah.

Whoa. And it kind of feels good. Yeah. Oh my God. A detective was able to identify Menser based on the ID. No shit.

What a hard working detective. Ohio's best. This is to me like the TV show The Mentalist. I get so upset about it. They're like, so wait,

he uses his brain to solve crimes? Logic? Mental, like every other detective? Don't give it a fucking title. Mentor. I'm so bitter about that.

I'm so mad about it. Were you up for that role? He's the mentalist. He's mental. He's mental. He's the fucking mentalist. So he's like mentally challenged? Yeah He's mental. Fucking mentalist. So he's like mentally challenged?

Yes. He's fucking mental and he solves crimes. That would be a way better show. Way better show. You guys should pitch a show where you go like he's mental

but don't tell the person you're talking to that you're twins and then one is on one side and then the other one comes. Go solve that crime. He's mental. He's absolutely mental.

He's fucking mental. It's unbelievable. It's going to be so awkward when Simon Baker is on. I'm going to stay out of it. I'm going to only talk about the Vogue movie. What was the devil wears Prada? The Vogue movie. That's the only time I'm going to talk about it.

It's a great movie. That's the one where you turn around and you're like, we're in this. Yeah, I got to stay. I want to see Adrian Grenier make a grilled cheese sandwich. Can you do the rest of the episode in those accents? I really liked it. Oh, it's fucking mental.

Let's see what this is all about. Menser is also accused of robbing the PNC Bank at 3500 West Broad Street, the Heartland Bank on Wilson Avenue, and the PNC Bank

in Rome Road. So he's hitting everything in an area. And spread it out. They're just like giving suggestions of banks to rob. Yeah. These guys won't do anything. He was seen driving away in a white vehicle

on two of these instances we're gonna get out of here on this you've seen his photo but how old is David Mentzer now you guys know this because you've done this show before sometimes the photo itself can be deceiving you're like oh I look at that I know exactly what it is but it is deceiving

he might be 23. He might be a melting candle. Well, you guys want to go first, second, third, fourth? I don't care. I got a number.

Okay, go ahead, Corinne. 58. 58 years old. That's actually a really good guess. 52. Yeah, Christina says 52. 58, 52, Jay? guess. 52. Yeah, Christina says 52. 58, 52. Jay?

63. 63. I think the guy's 47. Okay. And I know that's going to sound crazy. Because that's like what we're turning next year. But he has lived such a hard life. This is where he's at. All right.

Okay. Townies, get all your answers in for this round. Shout at your earbuds. I get so nervous at this part. In your car. This is so fun. I know. Or in your cubicle.

Are they going to be really sad or really sad? 58, 52, 63, 47. I hope that two people, a couple of boyfriends, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, are listening to Dumb People Town and they're in a fight,

but this is still playing. But this unites them. And in the middle of their fight, they're like, we're going to guess really quick, right? I want to encourage this. I want this moment to be the pause on whatever fight this is. We need to pause it right now and keep having like, we're going to guess really quick, right? I want to encourage this. I want this moment to be the pause

on whatever fight this is. We either need to pause it right now and keep having this fight or we have to guess before they say it. And then you guess and then you laugh and you reset. Yeah. Say it, okay guys? Here we are. David Menser. A man who will not be fooled by dye packs but will hand you his ID per request.

Is, I will tell you this. Nervous. One of you is one year off. Andrew, his ID per request is, I will tell you this. I'm nervous. One of you is one year off. One of you got within one year. 63, 58, 52, 47. David Menser is 51 years off. Oh! I needed this so bad.

You got it. I needed this so bad. You got it. I needed this so bad. And doesn't it feel good? It feels so good. It feels better than you expected it to feel. You guys are both right to be in the 50s. That was impressive. I love it, guys.

He looks terrible. He does look terrible. Jesus. He looks more like 63, right? I was right. I think he's going to be safe in prison. He's four and a half years older than us. Well, I'm fucking a guy who's 47.

That's how I came to that conclusion. There we go. Stop bragging. Stop. Everybody needs to know. Everybody looks like he's 47. There you go. All right, those are their stories, guys.

Hey, you guys, thank you so much. Open invite anytime you were here to come. Thank you. And if we are ever in New York again, we just got to do it with you guys. I love their you so much open invite anytime you were here to come and if we are ever in New York again we just gotta do it with you guys I love their podcast so much

please gotta do it guys we fucked listen to that podcast enjoy all the things that these guys do see them live it's really wonderful

fantastic and then see us live by the way at Petaluma look out for the drip that is coming and oh shit we gotta get back to work it's a good show