Dumb People Town - Dan Ahdoot - Penisillin

Episode Date: March 29, 2019

For this week's minisode, Dan Ahdoot joins the show to discuss the story of a man who injects himself with semen for his back pain!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you Danna dude!

Population of dude! D Populationadude Danadude Chimed in Like nobody's chimed in before Really? He threw in a A lot of people just like to wait But I said Dan

Here's the key to this podcast Before we started rolling You gotta You gotta jump He He Jump Into

The Podcast Danadude Is someone we met who we admired your work on Bajillion Dollar Properties. Thank you. Very funny on that improvised show. Oh my God. Everybody on that show,

I'm like, you're here for a reason because you are the best at what you do. That is very nice of you. We actually had an improv show last night at the UCB. You did? We have one every month, the Bajillionaires. Third Tuesday of every month at the UCB. Is it Franklin or Sunset every month, the bajillionaires. Oh, that's so cool. Third Tuesday of every month at the UCB. Is it Franklin or Sunset?

Franklin, bro. Oh, I love that. No. Yes. Franklin, bro. I don't know when this is going to drop. Noah, do you know

when this is going to drop? The week of March 11th. Okay, so it's after. The week of March 11th. Weeks after we had our show at the UCB. I have one coming up. March 23rd,

Rory Scovel and I are doing a live pen pals at 10 o'clock that Saturday, March 23rd. Tell Rory I say hello. Sweet. I will if we get back on speaking terms. Wait a minute. That's going to be testing.

Well, that's dumb. Rory and I were in the same class, the same Montreal Just for Laughs New Faces class. Oh, really? Yeah. That's cool. Also, my son was a huge fan of your thing on Kicking It. Was that it? Ladies and gentlemen, I know the voice sounds not familiar because I do a racist voice accent

on the show Kicking It. I am Falafel Phil. Falafel Phil on Kicking It. Your kids. My son loved you. You better do it. And you did a message. Yeah, I love it.

All right. Well, the world's getting dumber, we believe. And we can only fight back with our comedy. That's all we have is weapons in our arsenal. Quivers in our little thing. What is the name of the thing? Arrows in our quiver. Arrows in our quiver.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we actually put quivers in our arrows. We put quivers inside the arrows, and that's why we have it. And then arrows inside those quivers. They don't fly as far, but they look cool. Well, we get great stories. I love that you're attacking dumb, and you said, so many quivers in our thing. Yep. Well, we get great stories. I love that you're attacking dumb and you said so many quivers in our thing.

Yep. Well, it's happening to me. So before it happens any further, Dan, can we please get into a God damn story? Let's get into it. Ready? Yeah. This is sent in by Bethany. At Bethany Nay Nay.

Not Bethany. Bethany. Bethany. I'd like to buy a vowel. B-E-T-H-N-Y-N-A-Y-N-A-Y. Bethany! Bethany Nay Nay. Bethany. Bethany. You get down hereN-Y. N-A-Y. Bethany. Bethany Nay Nay. Bethany.

You get down here right now. Wow. Right now. Like, you cannot say her name without moving your neck. You know what I'm saying? Bethany. How's high? Nay Nay.

This is... Is it just an echo of the last part? Bethany Nay Nay. I don't know. You always speak to her in a canyon. That's right. This is from Dublin. A man required medical treatment at a Dublin hospital after repeatedly injecting himself

in an unusual attempt to treat longstanding lower back pain. Look, lower back pain is bad. I get it. Sometimes you say to yourself, I'll do anything. What do I have to do to get rid of this lower back pain is bad. I get it. Sometimes you say to yourself, I'll do anything. What do I have to do to get rid of this lower back pain? I'll take this dirty pond water and shoot it into my back. It's worse than that. Dan.

I'll take this whale sperm and shoot it into my... You're getting warmer. Oh! Dan, a dude? Care to? I'll take this salamander spinal fluid. That sounds smarter. That sounds actually like...

Dan, you're actually... How do we get the spinal fluid out of the salamander? He was in the hospital after repeatedly injecting himself with his own semen. Nope. Hey! I was on the track. I was on the track. I know dumb behavior.

I think Bear Grylls did that in one of the episodes. He did. And he survived. He lived to tell about it. I'm here. I'm here in the islands of... The worst is the one where he takes all his clothes off and jumps into those Arctic waters

to prove how you can get warm afterwards. And I'm just like, what? Bro. You have, what, 30 seconds yeah before you start to die if you don't like instantly but he was like no this is gonna work so wait did he stay very still in the water no he jumped in and then got out and then it was something oh and yeah he's like you need to you need to get the water off of you and it might look counterintuitive but use snow so he's using snow to rub the water That is ridiculous

He was my hero And then he was busted as a fucking Fraud is that what happened yes I wonder where he went no I mean now He hosts shows but he there's if You look up that's fine look up on youtube Uh man versus wild Fraud and it'll show like there's

No youtube can't be wrong there's moments Where he's like showing like I'm here in Maui. We're walking right by a volcano and then some guy like went to the same place and like you pull out and you see there's like a highway like right next to it. Still making a TV show.

He's still on the show. The greatest scam ever and I went online to like look about it but now there's a question as to whether or not it was a scam, was in our Rand McNally textbooks when we were kids in our history and social studies, they studied this group of Indians native to the Philippines called the Tasaday Indians.

Sure, the Tasaday. And they were like the oldest Indians. Especially the most primitive people in the world. Culture of people and they were untouched by modern things and they were making tools and stuff and people, the Philippine

government was like, you can see these people. How'd you get photos of these people? And like the whole thing was that there was a whole thing that it was a scam and that they were actors. So I just imagine a bunch of them in front of the cave trying to make a tool with the thing. And then around the back of the cave, three of them smoking, being like, what are we doing? We're gathering food later.

It's like Blazing Saddles when the guy who's dressed as Hitler is in the commissary. He's like, yeah, you working this afternoon? Yeah, they loose me after the bunker scene. They loose me after the bunker scene. I remember when I went to Rome, it was like at the Coliseum, there's all these guys dressed as gladiators and all this stuff. And they were on a break, like off to the side, just standing there smoking cigarettes in full regale.

That was my favorite picture, taking a picture of them like having their smoke break. It's hilarious. Just the way they did it in the old days. Do you remember, I think it was recently

where, I'm circling back to people on an island, you know, island people. Oh, the guy? The guy. I know.

There was a guy who tried to reach this island like off the coast of Micronesia that's like, the Indian government said, you're not allowed to go there.

You're not allowed to go. Leave these people alone. And he was like, the Lord told me to spread his word to all these people. Yeah, like as he's coming out of the water, they shoot like arrows at people. Yeah, he had a Bible.

He was holding it up. They're like, and he went back the next day after the Bible thing. Do you know that that's the new location for the next Fyre Festival? They're more organized. I can't wait to see the YouTube premium documentary.

I will suck an arrow just to get them water. And I told Billy that. Okay, hold on. I sat down and I said, look, I don't know what you think you're doing, but if you need me to go over there and blow, I will blow. I went there fully prepared. And I went there and I said to the man, if you want me to,

if I gotta suck water out of that penis, I'm ready to do it. I'll do it. If that means we get tents going, I will do it. Here I go. But I was like, Billy, you better know what you're doing. And it didn't seem like he did. This must be from the Netflix one. I've only seen the Hulu one. That's the only one you need to see, but the Netflix one has its moments.

I want to see it, too. However, I know. We need to have nicknames, because whenever you say Dan, I think you're talking about me. DVK. I'll do DVK. I know, Rand. That's what I was going to say. The only reason Jason is talking about this Fyre Fest guy is because he has not seen Abducted in Plain Sight.

Which I saw, and it's 11 at 30 at night. Oh, bro. Stop. Don't. Don't say it. Do not. Don't spoil it. How?

2240? Have you seen Abducted in Plain Sight, Dan? Is it 2240? What is it? I just told you. Hit me around that 22-minute mark. What happens? I can't.

We cannot tell. I actually could have watched it the other night but i we were getting ready to go how mad he is i was getting rage texts i i i had a thing where i put my phone down and i played a game with myself how many texts do i have waiting from randy because i muted it i muted my phone and then i would pick it up i was like i bet it's three five and then I would pick it up. I was like, I bet it's three. Five. And then I would text him back another thing. I was like, I blame the state of Oregon. I blame the state of Oregon. And then I would text him another little thing,

and I would wait and be like, I think it's three this time. And it's just Randy yelling. I'm yelling at that. I told you. I told you guys. And Dan, I'll tell you. If you want to be mad, if you want to be blown away and mad and have to remind yourself to close your mouth, because you will sit there agape. So I couldn't do that before we went to go to bed.

The whole thing, though, right? The whole thing. But see, I couldn't do that before we went and judged the roast battle. No, no, no. So I just couldn't go from the headspace. I forgot even what we're talking about. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

We're talking about a guy who put sperm in. Yeah, wait. So what? His own sperm. Into his own back. What was he thinking? What was the? Was he like, well? He wanted to get rid of that lower back pain. I'm so sorry. We're talking about a guy who put sperm in his own back. What was he thinking? What was the... Was he like, well...

He wanted to get rid of that lower back pain. I don't know. The man... With sperm. Yeah. There's a lot of words in here I'm going to try my best on, okay? Dan, you always do. The man developed a subcutaneous abscess on his right arm where he had been objecting

himself... Injecting himself. Injecting himself on a monthly basis for how long? Okay. We're going to play a little game here. This is fun. How long has he been injecting himself? You want to go first?

You want to go second? You want to go third? I'm going to start the bidding at. How long do you think this guy was putting sperm in his own arm to get rid of lower back pain? For six months. Okay. Six months. JR, right?

I think he's done it for like 18 months. 18 months from Randy. Can I get the joke out that I wanted to get out since you've started talking about this story? Yes. Don't call it a comeback. That's great. Or do call it a comeback.

Don't call it a comeback. Don't call it a cum shot. Come back. He's putting it in his back. Jesus, Randy. He's putting it in his arm to help his back. Putting it in his arm to help his back. It all still works. It's trying to go to his back.

Okay, so we have six months. 18 months. 18 months. 11 months. And don't call it a comeback. And don't call it a comeback. One of you is exactly right. Oh, my God.

Wait, do we get to win sperm in our back if we get the actual number? Dan and Dude, we get to play a second game now. Who do you think is exactly right? This is always my favorite. This is like a bonus game within the game. 11 months? 11. 18 months.

And you said six months? Six months. I'm going to go with 18 months. 18 months. Okay. I'm going to stay with me too. Okay. I'm right.

11 months. All right. He had been injecting himself on a monthly basis for one and a half years. Yeah! Oh, my God. 18 months. Thank you, Dana, dude. Way to change and adjust on the fly.

A radiograph. No, I'm very easily swayed. Thank you. I was like, yeah, I should have said 18 months. That sounds ridiculous. Six months is still ridiculous. That sounds more like it. Six times. That's six times. If you did it still ridiculous. That sounds more like it. Six times.

That's six times. If you did it once, you're like, this is a huge mistake. Twice? Six times is ridiculous. If you do it once and it does not get instantly better or you don't get some sort of superpower, stop. You're injecting. Isn't it like, can't you die from injecting air into your... Yes.

Why wouldn't this then... I don't know. It seems like... Also, it's probably not very sterile because he has to secrete it Lord knows what he's secreting it in and then he has to suck it out with the needle it's a new form of exercise called jizzercise

unless he connected his penis to a tube that went straight into his arm yeah he's got an I- arm. He's got an I-Venus. He's got an I-Venus. And then endorsed by

At Stand Up Dan. Fuck At Dan, dude. He took my Twitter. That piece of shit. There's an At Dan Van Kirk that just takes all the mentions. He never corrects anybody. I know, he just takes it. Look. He never corrects anybody. I know.

I know. He just takes it. Look how many people are writing to me, Susie. A radiograph also revealed emphysema and what's this word? O-E-D-E-M-A. Oedema? Edema? Edema?

Edema. I don't know. Which is excess watery fluid under the skin. No shit. No shit. Edemia. Edemia. Do you want to see a picture?

No. It's gross, but not appalling. This is what he's got going on. That's just an arm filled with cum. Oh, wow. It's an arm full of cum. Semen. He's got like Popeye arm. An arm full of cum. Great album.

Great album. Was that Honey? It's a Matt Bronger album I think An armful of cum He always has funny lines An armful of cum That's just the one comic

I would Okay An intravenous I got an armful of cum And I'm ready to party An intravenous Antimicrobial drip To treat the problems

Was started immediately But he This is our genius Kept going Opted to discharge himself without allowing doctors to make an incision to drain the, and this is a quote, local collection. Isn't that the nicest way to say what that is?

That's what you gather. That's called passing the hat for George Bailey. It's a local collection. He's passing the hat. That's a local collection. That's a local collection. Look at it. All right, then there's... George. Look, here's an x-ray picture. That's a local collection. Look at it. All right.

Then there's... George. Here's an x-ray picture. There's cum in my elbow. That's enough to show up very well on an x-ray. You should not have enough cum in your arm that you can see it on an x-ray. Also, like once a month, did he have to save up a certain amount? Or was it like, well, it's the second Tuesday of the month, so that's where this jewel's going. I don't understand why my arm's so puffy.

It's an old George feeling. Get out of here, bird. I'll hit you again. Go on, get. Go on, get, or I'll hit you with my camel ball. It's a Wonderful Life in five minutes. I would do like every character. Dan, you should do that. Let's do it right now. The case was revealed

in a report published in the Irish Medical Journal titled Seemingly... Oh, that's a joke. Simon, have you seen this? Seemingly Harmless Back Pain, an Unusual Presentation of a Subcutaneous Abscess. Don't call it a comeback. Way better. Way better.

That's what it should have been called. Obviously, this person does not listen to LL Cool J. Or I would call it, see, man, you can't do this. There you go. I like that too. What goes around comes around. The author of the case report, Dr. Lisa Dune of Adelaide and Mental Health Hospital

in, I can't say it. Australia. Talat? I don't know. Does that sound Irish enough? Was this in Ireland? This is Ireland, right? That's where she is, yeah. I guess that's where it happened as well. She decided to conduct a review of sources of information regarding the use of semen for the treatment of back pain and other conditions. So she's like, fine, let's see if this actually is something that's been told to work. I'm telling you, that's how penicillin was discovered.

Stop it. I'm telling you. That might be true. I don't know. I'm allergic to penicillin. Are you? Yep. Fun fact.

Add that to my list. This is penicillin. Stop. Penicillin. Are you? Yep. Fun fact. Add that to my list. This is penicillin. Stop. Penicillin. When they find out that it works, that's going to become penicillin. Penis be illing you. She concluded, this is the doctor, that there were no other reported cases of intravenous semen injection to be found anywhere in medical literature.

It doesn't work. Here's how crazy this is. A broader search of the internet found no source that recommended it as a cure. If the internet doesn't have it, it's never happening. The internet doesn't have one whack job saying do this. And this guy on his own was like, I got an idea. If you're the only one who's ever done it, that's impressive. It is kind of.

Can I tell you something crazy? You did this a year ago. I did not do this a year ago. But I was, I'd say about, I was like in college still, and I was very stressed out, and I got a quarter-sized alopecia in my, so a quarter-sized piece of hair on my scalp just like gone. Flew off. Random. Rashid Wallace stuff. Now, you look it up, it'll say it can come from stress and this and that.

I went to my parents' old school Persian doctor. Who's like jerk off 25 times a day. He literally said in Iran what they would do. I can't tell you now that we're in America, but I still tell you. But I still tell you. Spare him on your finger and put it on your head. Really?

Can you Google to see if that's even a thing? Because this was pre-Google. This was pre-Goog. Did you do it? I did do it. That's okay. You were trying anything. You're not putting it inside of you. You're putting it on you.

Everybody knows that's fine. Just so somebody would be like, is that salon sperm? No, it's an Ogilvy home sperm. Yes. Is there anything? Maybe he's born with it. Guys. Oh, am I just getting publicly shamed?

No. Jay's looking it up to see if that's actually a thing. Sperm alopecia? The fact that you are somebody who's tried something no one on the internet has even thought of. I think that makes you some sort of a winner on someone. Yeah. Yeah, guys. Thank you.

Oh, no. We were talking about him. Oh, sorry. Well, your irony in a doctor is dope, too. The patient had presented in hospital complaining of sudden and severe lower back pain. He said he had lifted a heavy object three days before, after which his symptoms were... His penis to masturbate.

Also, he's lying because he's been doing this for a year and a half. He's like, oh, it's like a week ago this started. A physical examination of his upper and lower limbs identified a small red papule on his right arm. He disclosed at this stage that he had been injecting his own semen as an, quote, innovated method of treating.

Look, I'm a bit of an innovator. Let's stay on script. If you're a doctor and you're trying to figure out what's wrong with somebody, and they're like, okay, doctor, first I want to tell you, I'm a bit of an innovator. Do you have anything, Jay? What do you got? I have some YouTube videos. No.

One that says sperm therapy hair loss treatment day seven. Yes! No, wait. I posted that. That's my video. That's my video. How I grew my edges back with sperm before and after pics. How I grew my edges back? That was one of the best

Angela Bassett movies I've ever seen. He devised a cure independent of any medical advice that's the key that's after she looked better you ready for this key yeah yeah he had devised this cure independent of any medical advice yeah and revealed that injects that surprise one month dose of semen for 18 consecutive months using a hypodermic needle that he bought on the internet. The red area spread down his arm and hardened around the entry room over the course of the next 24 hours.

We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we're going to play Guess the Aging. All right. Stay with us. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Dan Adut at StandUpDan and at StandUpDan on Instagram as well. Listen to his amazing podcast. We just did it

called Green Eggs and Dan. I don't think it'll be out yet, but we might be by this time. Listen to it and ramp up to our episode. You should absolutely have Daniel Van Kirk on your podcast too. Fantastic. Because it is one of the things that we love and we talk about all the time. What I love about the podcast

is you talk about food and your questions are so great. From what's in your fridge right now to best high-end meal to best low-end meal. The questions are so good. It's so fun to kind of talk about food in that way. Earliest food memories. It is very fun. Thank you, guys. Yeah, it's called Green Eggs and Dan, and it'll be in podcast stores everywhere.

Now, also, can people see Bajillion anywhere? Yes. You can get episodes of Bajillion Dollar Properties on iTunes. Great. And you can watch it there. It is fantastic, and you are amazing on it. Thank you very much. I want to let everybody know, go to Daniel Van Kirk to check out my dates,

because when this drops, I'm on tour. So on the 11th, I'm in Greenville, South Carolina. On the 12th, I'll be in Orlando, Florida, looking for Jan, as well as Jackson on tour. So on the 11th, I'm in Greenville, South Carolina. On the 12th, I'll be in Orlando, Florida looking for Jan as well as Jacksonville, Florida on the 13th. Looking for Jan.

And then I'm headlining the Dallas Comedy Festival. I think this will be announced by then, but if it hasn't, don't tell anybody. I'm headlining the Dallas Comedy Festival

on the 29th of March and then the next night, I will be in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Shit. All right, so everybody in Dallas, we're going to be there the weekend before.

We'll be there the 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. Actually, Fort Worth on Thursday and then two shows in Dallas, we're going to be there the weekend before. We'll be there the 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. Actually, Fort Worth on Thursday, and then two shows in Dallas downtown, and then two shows in Plano on Saturday. Hyenas Comedy Club. So come see us there, but superscholars.com for all of our dates. Love it.

Can people check your live dates out? Yeah, everything that's standupdan.com. Everything is standupdan, guys. Love it. Or go see you guys improvise. Yeah, you do. The bajillion folks improvise. Yeah, every third Tuesday of the month in LA.

UCB Franklin. UCB Franklin. All right, you guys ready to play a quick round of Guessy AJ? Yeah. Okay. So now this guy has been injecting. Yeah, let's review. What do we know?

Man, 18 months. He buys needles on the internet. Buys needles. He's got lower back pain. Right, so he could be older. How many young people do you know have lower back pain? But he's still pretty active sexually, at least with himself. He's still sexually active, and he's still in that experimental phase of life.

And he did this for 18 months before going to the doctor. And then also remember, this is key to me, this is sometimes to determine age, he refused the doctor's help in getting rid of the abscess. Yeah, right. Which means he probably... He's stubborn. I would like to say he used a butter knife, but with him it's probably like gardening shears. He doesn't like any sort of practical purpose. So, Dan and

Dude, you can guess either first tig, which is in between the two of us, or third. First tig or third. Where would you like to guess? I would like to go third. And we're doing Price is the Right rules? No. Just get closest to it. J.R.Ran? I would like to go third. Okay. And we're doing Price is the Right rules? No. Just get closest to it. J.R.Ran? I think, you know, and I did see his arm, so.

You did see his arm. Wait, can you tell by looking at an arm how old the person is? It's like a tree. Yeah, you just look at how many rings are there. I can tell within like three years. By the levels of sperm inside of his form. That guy's 39. Okay, 39 from Jason Sklar.

Randy? That guy is 34. Okay, 39 from Jason Sklar. Randy? That guy is 34. 34 years old. Okay. 41. 41 years old. All right, townies, get your answers in now because I love when you guys

play along with us. I just love that somewhere someone is shouting at their... They're on a subway. They're somewhere else. They're shouting. And they're shouting a day earlier if they're listening on Himalaya.

You better believe it. If you didn't know, guys, by the way, just quick plug just because I think you care. You can get this podcast a day early if you listen through the Himalaya app. Which, by the way, I listen to all my podcasts now through Himalaya. That's great. And the user interface is all about this. I just use the podcast app that comes with my phone. Why are you loyal to that?

Go to Himalaya. I love that it sounds like an ad, but we're just telling the crowd. For real, listen to all my podcasts on Himalaya and you can get this a day early. Because I'm a full-time Himalaya. Don't hate the game, hate the Himalaya. I love the Himalaya. I'm not a Himalaya, I just crush a lot. Yeah, okay.

That was it. What are our answers again? So, 34, 41 for Dan and Duke, 34 for Randy, 39 for Jason. Okay. I'd like to change my answer. Go ahead, do it 41 for Dan Adub. 34 for Randy. 39 for Jason. Okay. I'd like to change my answer. Go ahead. No, I don't. You can, but you can't do it afterwards. No. It's too easy.

You would have said one of you got it. So, none of us got it exactly. 42! Okay. I'd like to change it one more time. You're at 42. I will tell you now One of you is only one year off We can't go minigame

Don't get crazy Don't go minigame Okay The man who spent a year and a half Wait can I choose one of theirs We don't get to No one got it right You can think And then tell me afterwards.

But the man who spent a year and a half with cum in his arm and then wanted to be his own surgeon. You know he couldn't wait to get home and open up that abscess. Is 33 years old. Yeah! I'm having a great day today. You are crushing it. I don't know why. This is actually, I'm going to live off this for at least a day.

Look at that. We got out of here on that. There's a mini or a Friday or whatever you want to call it. We love you guys. Follow him. Check everything out. Stand up, Dan. Follow it.

And Green Eggs and Dan, check that out. And check out us when we come to you live. And oh, shit, we got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. and oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down.

It's Dumb People Town.