Dumb People Town - Dan Cummins - Door Hash

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

Comedian Dan Cummins (Trying To Get Better) stops by as Daniel explains why a man called police after finding marijuana in his food delivery, Randy unravels why a driver tried to switch places with his dog during a DUI stop, and Jason describes how a man posed as a policeman to see Megan Thee Stallion in concert, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Factor, Skylight Calendars, and DraftKings Casino! Head to FACTORMEALS.com/dpt50 and use code dpt50 to get 50% off. Get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight Calendar just go Skylight Cal.com/DPT. Download the DraftKings Casino app NOW and sign up with promo code DPT! New customers can get a deposit match up to $500 in casino credits when you deposit $5 or more!

Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Don't be a jerk Cause when the music So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Vendors, don't be a jerk. We sweat the meat, it's the funny hits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down, it's Dump People Town.

Hey gang, this holiday season you might be looking for nutritious, convenient meals to keep you energized on jam-packed days. Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal delivery service, can help you fuel up fast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. With chef-prepared, they're so good, dietician-approved, ready-to-eat meals delivered straight to your door. Head to factormeals.com slash DPT50 and use code DPT50 to get 50% off. That's code DPT50 at factormeals.com slash DPT50 to get 50% off. Want to say thank you so much to our sponsor Skylight Calendar. The Skylight Calendar is super easy to set up and use. It works by syncing events from already existing calendars you have, including Google Outlook and Apple calendars. You can also add events directly using the touchscreen or with the free Skylight mobile app. As a special limited

time offer to our listeners, you can get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight calendar when you go to skylightcal.com slash dpt. To get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight calendar. Just go to Skylight Cal, that is S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-C-A-L.com slash D-P-T. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population to you. Population, Cummins. Dan. Cummins. Another Dan in the house.

This is like a time suck, dumb people town mashup. Sometimes we talk about things. We get into theories. And there are conspiracies and all sorts of wonderful stuff. Two Daniels, two Sklars. Two Dan's and two Sklars. Daniel and Dan, Dan and Daniel, Ran and Jay. The world is getting dumber.

We know that. Yes. We know that is happening. Do you feel that? Do you sense that in all of your sort of windings through the labyrinths of this world that like we are suddenly getting dumber? I just saw the turn like, I don't know,

three or four years ago where it's like I've tried to debunk conspiracies the whole time with Time Suck and everybody was on board like the first couple years. Like, oh, those are silly. That's ridiculous. That's crazy that people would believe that.

And I remember when QAnon came around and when it first came around, I didn't even do a full episode on it i did like a little patreon mini thing because i was like this is so stupid there's not even enough to talk about for an hour and a half right and then when that went mainstream and i started seeing bumper stickers and t i'm like it is preposterously idiotic so has your pot we'll talk about the pocket but now it's political too i know that's right right so now everything is having a stance on crazy conspiracy stuff oh you're woke means that you put in yeah it's crazy it's always that people i always try to tell people the absence of information is not information right right like that so many can hinge hinge

on that well how come you never see any because they don't exist that's why you don't like because otherwise you can say the absence of information dan well could provide you to believe anything if someone says well what up there so it must be right that must be how it is like no that's oh daniel if someone says well what about i'm like this discussion's over we're finished uh think about occam's razor yeah that philosophical it's like there's two possibilities and one requires millions of people to keep a secret and aliens and a hollow earth and just completely throwing science on its head. And the other one is like the simplest thing, the simplest thing ever. It's probably that thing.

Yeah. It's most definitely that. Yeah. It's too much effort and energy to keep something like quiet like that. You don't think one person's going to leak. You don't think one person is going to keep something like quiet like that you don't think one person's gonna leak you don't think one person's gonna say something also i think sometimes it has to do with like uh the inability to process what the truth must be yeah like i think a lot of times people have a hard time with uh 9-11 because they they would then have to accept how susceptible we are to right

yeah they're there and attack helps so they go it must be like some a comic had a great joke where they were like america's so crazy that like we even wanted to take there's some americans even wanted to take credit for doing that to ourselves right like that like the terrorists were like all right we got them and they know that we can get them whatever you want oh no yeah they were like wait what no they're saying there's a lot of them saying they did it to themselves that we actually didn't do it they're like no we did it like no we got it like no they actually believe that's like trolling the terrorists all right let's jump into inside story let's do it let's get into dumb dumb is always an inside i have a bad one i have story one is i hate the person in this i cannot

wait i hate how I've done. Think dumb things happened. And then I just had how their reaction to the quote unquote victim. Okay. I can't wait. Okay. Sent in by Adam Poulton at Poultsky. 75.

Love it. Unwanted side of marijuana found in food delivery. Okay. So a side of marijuana. I got a cheeseburger and suddenly a side of marijuana. Sweet. Columbus, Ohio was just there on tour. A Columbus man found marijuana at the bottom

of a bag of food he ordered to be delivered. Yeah. So obviously not what he wanted. No, you should not order from door hash. We could probably end the episode right there. Everybody have a good night those are our plugs thank you the man asked to remain anonymous but said

he ordered the food through door dash I just guessed do you guys dash do you door dash I've done it like a couple times for some reason I have a I have a like a emotional adversity to all of it I don't I want to go get my own food. I like getting.

I like picking it up. Yeah, I like just go. I don't know. And I also feel like it's going to be ruined. What are you, not like weed at the bottom of your bag, Dan? It's going to be ruined or it's going to be wrong or it's going to be cold. I know people who will door dash like ice cream. Yeah.

And I'm like, you are crazy. I mean, that's how much that's like you're doing it because you're like i want the convenience you're in your pajamas you're like i don't want to put clothes on and go so we've done it my my wife has done it when like i'm not in town and she doesn't yeah i just want to like sure take a kid out to a store to come back one door dash that's a single parents it's a godsend my wife will do it just because she will literally spend half of what she would spend if she went to the store. She's very much like a shiny object. Oh, that's cool.

Oh, that's cool. You've made it a finite number of things that can come. That's it. There's no emotion with it. It's not like the, oh, I'd like to have that. Oh, I didn't know that thing existed. It just takes the emotion out of shopping. Why aren't we doing that angle?

All right, so yours is that okay also i'll just say my favorite salad place it's one of those like conveyor belt deals like you or you know assembly line deals um also like chipotle if you if you're not there ordering it in front of them you are going to get they're going to screw it's just going to be barely any chicken you know what i mean like you need someone watching the person daniel likes to be the one who's like uh yeah you know you can go crazy with the chicken yeah yeah yeah i'm not gonna go nuts with the guac you can go nuts with the guac like it's just all right i'm not gonna stop you i was scared at first but then again i wasn't very surprised said the man who ordered his dinner from doordash why wouldn't you be surprised and what are you

scared of fl Flushing. Will I die if I touch this weed? I'm going to get so high, I won't be able to know who I am. I'm getting a contact high. He snapped the photo where he found a fork and a bag filled with marijuana. Okay. It's just weed. In a plastic bag, though, right? It kind of looks like Chipotle.

Paper bag, I think. I picture him watching Reefer Madness and having to pause it to answer the door oh my god yeah yeah well that's when you like you know how like we all in this to not to go back to your podcast where like you mentioned something and all of a sudden you get like 20 ads of it on your phone and you're like the phone is listening it knows it is you're watching reefer madison then the weed comes you're like the tv i did this did this start with the driver he said or did this start in the restaurant that I did this. Did this start with the driver? He said, or did this start in the restaurant that I ordered this from? Who cares? Who cares? Just be happy you got free weed.

Thank you. Agreed. Or give it back to the Columbus division. A police spokesperson said authorities are working to find out more information from those who you're in a college town. Who are we? Authorities. If you want the weed, you smoke it.

If you don't trust the weed, you throw it away. And we should not know that this happened at all. It's not a problem. If you're in a college town like Columbus, Ohio, and you are calling the cops because there's weed in your bag, you are one of the most insufferable people in that college. You hate the kids. You hate the school.

You hate the game day. You live here, dude. Go move somewhere else. The music's too loud. You know where the music's too loud? At the stadium. I can hear it all the way over here. Exactly.

I hope the cops weren't taking this seriously. I hope it was just like, yeah, yeah, hold on. Let me talk to our best detective and then just click. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then just keep, I don't know why you hung up on. If I were on the phone and the cop who got this phone call, I'd be like, hey, can we pull those three people off that murder that they're investigating? Yeah.

Somebody got weed in their bag. Somebody got weeded. Somebody got weeded. If it's a slow night at the police station, how, and if I was a cop, just for fun, I would bring full SWAT to this. Surround his house with so many cars. I'd kick the door down. Oh, you know what else I'd do?

I'd kick the door down and i'd like you use the the metal thing that rams it in or i'd be like are you high right now sir no like well that's what somebody was i would say sound high we're gonna have to bring you down and like do like the sounds pretty pretty high do the weed test just put a little piece of paper on his tongue and like after that just be like Sir we just gave you LSD to make sure That you weren't Counteract the weed

The man who received Oh my god I just love to just harass And like show up and like you know We're gonna run some tests Pinch his nipples And he's like what did I do sir I didn't do anything I'm just talking to you sir How high are you?

We're just getting readings on the meter. Weird. The man who received the order said the driver left, then came back and asked for the bag of marijuana. He would give me my money back and refund my order if I gave him the entire bag back, because he claimed that it was medicine in the bag for his friend that was to be used for medical reasons.

He said medicinal marijuana. Are you saying medicine for medical reasons? Which is how you know the driver is lying full of shit he's just trying to get it back but also give him his weed yeah why are you calling yeah this makes i mean i hate this guy more right you're such a dick to like i come like hey man can i get the weed back and he's like no it's like i'll i'll refund you i'll tell them like it's all free everyone hated this guy in high school yes i'll pay for your order still like okay if you're this guy and you got the weed and the guy hey can i have my weed back i will pay for your order yeah wouldn't you be like i love this i got my food for free tonight what a great simple mistake what an amazing day right america what a country thank you right but how high do you have to be to put your weed at the bottom of someone else's order i don't know i've had times where i've lost the parking ticket into

a garage and i don't know how between getting it and getting out of my car i don't know where this where is this so he could have like oh let me throw it like he didn't realize what bag he was putting it in that's possible but either way just give give his weed back the man told the driver he could not give him the bag back then he called police and submitted a complaint to doordash he's like even if i'm doordash i'm like cool click ethically i i can't give you your drugs i can't give you your hard drugs by the way at doordash you call doordash they're like we're all high right now yeah so send that weed over here bro right uh a door dash representative called and emailed the man to discuss the incident we do not condone this type of action and therefore

have what kind of weed was it let me know removing the person from our platform so now you got the guy fired oh my god the email from the dasher will no longer be able to deliver future orders on door dash this is awful i hate this guy. DoorDash. Guess who's going to start work for Grubhub. Set ABC6, Fox 28, this statement. What happened is not acceptable, and we have removed the Dasher from our platform. We appreciate the customer for reporting the incident.

No, you don't. I don't appreciate it. That's just optics. Yeah. But it's bad optics for that industry. The guy who gets the bag. True. We still haven't heard of him. What if you're someone who's high and orders DoorDash all the time?

I'd be like, I'm not supporting DoorDash. I'm going to go Postmates because they don't support the weed guy. Right. Right. Right. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. It could be bad. It's like if you're in a comedy club and people are talking and the club doesn't do anything about it because they're like, I don't, we don't want to throw that group out. What about the person who drove four hours to see you? And they're sitting behind the person who's talking.

And then the comics who don't want to come back to your club because they don't handle the room there are consequences i didn't think about it dan here's a little conspiracy for you in this this is what the uh moron who got the bag delivered to him said it's scary because i'm a health care worker which to me means he's in filing and i see how this affects people every day weed weed the man who received The man who received the delivery said, I even have a close friend. Oh, my God. I have a close friend whose nephew actually passed away due to smoking marijuana that was laced by fentanyl. So fentanyl killed him.

You can't put fentanyl. Exactly. First of all, so fentanyl killed him. Also, you have a close friend who's nephew? No. You read on Facebook. That's right. And it's probably an urban legend.

Yeah, because you read it. How do you get fentanyl in weed? Who is putting fentanyl in weed? Fentanyl. How? Fucking moron. I mean, they would have to dust it on there. They would have to dust it and you'd be like a psychopath.

Why would a person do that? Yeah. Not any drug dealer that wants to make money. I'll tell you that. No, I mean, they mix it into heroin and coke and stuff like that because a tiny bit goes a long way. A very long way. It's an economic thing.

Yes. But only a serial killer is just lacing it on me and not tell people. Right, right. Just for funsies. Like the guy who killed Mac Miller, he was charged with murder because of the amount of, like, Mac Miller was not trying to kill himself. No. He was not, like, and they also, like, like the good liars those dudes who do like all the tic tacs they were

talking to these people that were like well they're putting fentanyl on the kids candy and they just broke they just kept asking them questions like kids candy drug dealers don't they tend to want to sell drugs rather than just give it away well they're putting it in that to kill kids why would the drug dealers want to kill kids and have a trace back to that i actually just researched that halloween urban urban legend thank you there have been no kids poisoned by candy uh from a stranger right there was a there was a dad in texas who poisoned his own kids candy because he was a maniac right trying to like make life insurance some horrible thing. But the whole thing about you go to a stranger's house and you get their poison candy, nope. Nope.

Never happened. Anybody who has a friend's nephew is like. You don't know this person. Friend's nephew. Oh, I would start asking right away. I'd be like, what's that nephew's name? And how old were they? Where did this happen?

These kind of stories are why I am so pro-drug legalization, like all of the drugs. Because people are going to use them. So can you at least give them access to clean drugs regulation yep regulate them and have them have them because there's a thing you can test for like all this stuff and make sure there's a law and order taught me that there's a drug overseas for people like trying to get off meth and everything it's like the greatest drug ever. But it can't, something about there's no patent on it or whatever. I don't know what it is. It's expired. So it can't be, no money can be made off of it.

So they won't allow it in the United States because none of the pharmaceutical companies I know the pharmaceutical stuff, it's so insane. We're like, well, yeah, they made fentanyl. Fentanyl is a synthetic drug. It's like the whole heroin epidemic. It's like, no, it's not heroin. Well, I mean, opioid, but it's like, it's fentanyl. You know, most folk over it.

It's fentanyl is what my wife got when she was pregnant. They gave her fentanyl when she was pregnant. Yeah. Yes. Like to help her with the pain. You can get strips. Sorry. You can't get strips.

Just a PSA. You can get them on Amazon. Fentanyl test strips. Where if you're going to do that stuff. I was at a comedy festival and they had fentanyl test strips that they they just gave around like kind bars because yes they gave them right alongside kind bars because they knew so many people were gonna be doing coke and stuff like that and it's a party scene that they're like hey just test it really quick my son's in college it's like do i want him doing all of that stuff no but i can't stop him right so i'm actually dropping off uh fentanyl

test strips for him i'm like you're gonna show him how to use them how do you have to how do you use a fentanyl tester i'm gonna have to learn because there you go i don't know i have the strips but i have to watch the tutorial before i explain it yes i don't even know i mean you test put a little bit on the weed i think that's like the best thing right with i as a person who has no children but like teaching your kid risk assessments yep of like do the right things i can't control what you're going to do. I'd like to influence how you evaluate what you do. Yep. And if you give them lots of responsibilities around a certain drug that will turn them off from doing,

we'll be right back with more. We'll be like, Hey, well, I also like, I do stuff. I like, like whatever,

like, and I don't hide it from my kids. And I've also told them, I'm like, if you're going to do it, if I can't stop you, please try it with me. We're at least you're in a controlled environment.

It's safe. That also makes them not want to do it because now it's a dad drug. What are they rebelling against? Oh, exactly. They're like acid. That's a dad drug. My dad does that. It's lame.

Boo. Well, too bad for that. Too bad for that friend's second cousin's nephew's daughter. Oh, God. Okay. The man who received the unwanted side of marijuana said he's worried about what could have happened if the order ended up in the wrong hands what okay that could be said of a fork that could be said of a car you know like anywhere okay yeah i think about the kids i think about

the kids she said shut up i have a nephew so now it's his nephew oh is it your nephew i have a nephew you don't have kids okay you have a no one wants to be your partner to give you a kid. Look at this. I hope Eddie can't even keep his story straight. I think about the kids, he said. I have a nephew. I think about my coworker. He has granddaughters and grandsons.

I thought it was your coworkers. No, it was your Facebook friend's nephew who died, passed away of weed. I literally want to hold this guy down and force him to do acid. Just dose him so hard. Let's see what comes up man let's see what comes up i bet you're a better person afterwards or maybe we can change your brain chemistry and you won't do this just like max miller siben psilocybin yeah psilocybin micro dose him for like a month and see if we can turn him into a better person. We'll blow some DMT in his face. Now he's feeling hesitant about ordering dinner to be delivered

ever again. Good. He's so dramatic. So when I hear a statement like that, I'm like, what do you want DoorDash to give you? Right? Because that's the type of statement. Confidence? I know. He wants them to come in like sit down with him during the meal yeah kind of rub his back yes you know maybe take a bite first so we can wait 10 minutes

that's what food testers were talking in when the meal's over tell him everything's gonna be i really feel like i question everything now. And I just want certain companies like DoorDash or Grubhub or others. I just want to question what kind of background checks they're taking for their employees. Shut up. This guy has been talking for too long. I told you. Dan, I hate him. I hate this guy.

Is he trying to get a lawsuit going for emotional distress? Is he trying to run for office? I don't even think it's that calculated. I think he's just a loser. I think he's, so I think he's one of those people who doesn't know if what he did or the stance he took was right. And so he just keeps trying to make this case to himself, but out to the public. Or he has a total blind spot when it comes to other people's reactions to

his behavior. He's like, I just was trying to, I'm doing the right thing. It's like, no, the right thing is not the right thing for the situation. Like you got to read the room.

Yeah. There are so like, I feel like fewer people know how to read the room. Right. And for anybody who's like, there could have been fentanyl in there. I go, well,

yeah. Also, it could have been that that door dash driver, uh, is a Vietnam veteran that uses that weed for his post-traumatic stress disorder. So as much as you would like to believe in one, you have to equally believe in the other if we're just going down any possibility. Or that he's not getting paid enough, that he's got to sell this weed as another way to supplement his income. To people who need it.

Yes. He has arthritis, anxiety, so many different things. Yeah, we can go down anything you want to go down, right? And all the guy ever had to do was just give the guy his weed back. Nope. I hope this guy works with at least one person who just on a regular basis is like, hey, Todd, hey, Todd,

shut the fuck up. And then just like walks off. Just like is constantly just shutting him down. Oh, Todd, did you get that memo about you shutting the fuck up? Exactly. Do you want me to resend it?

I'll put it to the top of your chain. So let me move it up. So he questions everything. He wants to know what kind of checks they're doing and do they really know the people who are working for them? Maybe not.

Because, I mean, clearly, this one fell through the cracks. OK. Fell through the cracks. According to DoorDash's website, the company runs motor vehicle and criminal background checks on all its drivers. Great. That's it. That's all you need.

The police said this is the first time they've heard of drugs being delivered in a bag of delivered food. Well, you guys are idiots, too, because this happens all the time. It happens all the time. Yeah. That's it. Story number one. Story number one.

Down the books. Dan Cummins is with us we'll uh when we come back we're going to talk about uh your special you're going to talk about uh your podcast time suck which is awesome and uh we'll let people know uh dan you want to go first yeah yeah we'll let you know what you have going on uh this is dumb people town with dan cummins we'll be right back hey guys welcome back to the show before we get into all the stuff that Dan Cummins has going on, Daniel, let us know what's cooking with you and how people can see it. My movie, Wine Club. It's my movie. I'm the lead.

I'm so glad to have been a part of it and get to talk about it now. You should go and check it out. Steve Little from Eastbound and Down is one of my co-stars. Awesome. And Taylor Ortega plays my wife. It's as much her movie as it is mine. She's amazing. so check that movie out um i think the release date if it hasn't been announced yet it'll be announced soon

it's wine club movie on instagram great uh go to danielvankirk.com i'll be at cap city comedy club on december 14th if this is around then otherwise i have more dates for the rose gold tour coming out um soon yeah leading up to the release of the release of the special which you just shot in chicago which is awesome i'm so psyched for you uh dan cummins you have a podcast called time suck which is amazing if you like this i feel like you do kind of explore and i'm sure much more as we kind of went into at the very beginning explore and debunk yes conspiracy theories with a humorous, with comedy. I mean, I just try to apply like critical thinking and just a sense of reasonableness to whatever topic I'm exploring.

And so there's a lot of reactionary statements of like, why would you ever do this? Yeah. What is happening here? Yeah. Which, and then the flip side is that now we live at a time where you just using reason to debunk these things elicits a reaction from a certain group of people who are like why would you do this right why would you try yeah if you ever ask yourself who dan cummins is really being paid oh my god i get that you get that a lot also isn't a lot of conspiracy theories uh part of just tribe mentality because once you say you believe a thing some other group believes they're so welcoming to bring you into

the fold yeah that people really find their tribe under this false pretense because once you just say oh i think that too yeah instantly this the the welcomeness and the and the the camaraderie or the fellowship between those people becomes as uh as if not more important than whatever it is they've said they believe in right yeah and it gives people a boogeyman to blame for all their problems which is the appeal of that tribe where it's like it's not it's not my fault it's not a uh some negative character traits or a lack of hustle that has me in this space where i'm at in life and not where i want to be it's because of the illuminati it's because of these evil forces that are you know conspiring against me you know what's so sad actually on that 90 of all conspiracies are anti-semitic i swear to god oh yeah they go back to the

protocols of the elders of zion which was russian propaganda which is meeting notes in quotes for meetings that never happened. And it's like the way these modern conspiracies are, they, their sources are just older piles of shit, just nonsense. That's right. And it's like,

it just goes back and back and it's really frustrating, really frustrating. It's like, and a lot of people don't even see that. So I love that you're doing this because when you started doing this podcast, it, and it became extraordinarily popular. It was just a fascinating thing to know that these conspiracy theories existed.

The crazy thing about it, like a marriage or anything, it has grown. It's evolved. It is something that I think conspiracies have come to the mainstream. Right. So I think your podcast is more important than ever to listen to. You know, it's like, and we do, you know, true crime and other things too, but things sure but i hit that same message that i do with the conspiracies and it's funny it's like i started getting kind of depressed about i don't know a year ago yeah where i was like i should just give up like like it's this is pointless i'm just yelling to the void but then it's like

no you're right it's like it is more important now because if there aren't more people debunking these things it's just going to get worse and worse. Confront it with the truth. Yeah. I love it. And do it in a funny way, which you're a funny guy. Oh, thanks. And that's where I got a little off of the path for a while there

because it made me so angry that I started getting more heavy handed with my delivery. And I'm like, nope, that just pushes people away. The people who are really gone, we're not going to get them back. But there are those people in the middle that I have gotten emails where it's like you know one guy actually uh came to this little summer camp we had and he was like thanked me he was like i was full in on that kind of stuff wow and a friend recommended one of your podcasts wow and i started to feel a little silly and i started to look at it in a different way and he did pull out of it and i'm like that stuff's

inspiring save one person you better the world yeah yeah and it of it and i'm like that stuff's inspiring save one person you better the world yeah yeah and it's like and i don't want to see our you know culture just collapse i mean it does truly scare me that we have people in major political offices who i mean i don't think they believe it oftentimes i think they just know it's a power grab and how soulless audience yeah that's almost worse it is it is it's to talk about how real dark well you saw i mean you saw in a lot of and i don't want to get political that's not get political but you did see in a lot of people who were like on-air personalities pushing one narrative totally off air being like i don't believe this shit you're like

no you're you're making it worse you're you're digging people deeper into those people buy buy t-shirts. They tune in. It's like they know what they're doing. And they need it more than anything. Let's talk about your special, too, because you have a new stand-up special. So let's hear it. Let's tell people about it, where they can get it, all that stuff.

Yeah, it just did a YouTube release. Filmed it at the Parkway Theater in Minneapolis. Awesome theater. So fun. And they redid it for the shoot. I guess we did. So it looks really cool and theater yeah it is it is super fun i had done that like 10 000 laughs comedy festival a few

years before yeah i just did it did a show so fun and did a show there and i was like oh this is a really it's intimate but it's still uh technically a 300 seats yeah it's a small theater and it just has a really good acoustics yeah and it was it was so fun. It was so fun. Did all your people come out? I mean, yeah. Yeah. So the podcast crowd came out. It was funny.

You know, I make fun of the left and the right for like the first half an hour, especially then I just kind of get into weird random stories. Yeah. And I had just been in Austin, actually the same club that you're coming up at the week before or two weeks before and it was funny where the jokes that skewered the right got you know a little more subdued response in austin and the jokes that skewered the left huge raucous huge exact opposite of minneapolis oh yeah it was amazing yeah yeah if you can need but i mean they still laughed at both sure but it was funny just the

premises yeah we're like, this is my ideology. Yeah. That's so funny. He's talking about me. I don't know if I like this yet. That's right. Let me see. Shall I jump into another story?

Okay. This one is sent in by J. Chris Mueller at J. Chris Mueller. I think this is a new person too. I love when you go to at, at Daniel Van Kirk at Sklar brothers on X or Twitter or whatever you call it. And the hashtag dumb people town. We'll know when you say Chris Mueller sounds like a bar that you drink at

before the Cardinals games in St. Louis. It's like, it's like next to Cardwells. I'm not going to Cardwells. I'm going to take Chris Mueller. They have better steak bites and they have a good happy hour. Good happy hour.

You ready for this? This is just so fun. It's just a fun story. Driver tried to switch places with his dog on DUI stop in Colorado Town, police say. Come here, Rusty. You get in the way. He tried to switch places. A for creativity.

Thank you. Right? My dog, man. You guys are never going to believe this shit. He's all over the place. He's hammered. Also, it changes the whole perspective, right? You're like, he's pretty good, isn't he? Maybe not perfect. I get why he pulls over, but he's all over the place he's also it changes the whole perspective right you're like he's pretty good isn't he maybe not perfect i get why he pulls over but he's pretty good

two and a half but that's 18 in dog years so he's of age all right so i'm not gonna tell you all the drivers we'll get to that later okay springfield colorado a driver found himself in the dog house this is the new york post for god's sakes after he attempted to switch places with his pup when he got pulled over on suspicion of dy on saturday night like freaky friday are you just jump into my soul i know well that the shaggy da that was the guy who turned into a dog this is shaggy da come to life he's really the district attorney springfield police chief clay clip fell Springfield Police Chief Clay Clipfell. No. Clay Clipfell. C-L-A-Y-K-L-I-P-F-E-L. Clay Clipfell.

Clay Clipfell. That's a tough one to say quickly. Backup quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs. Conducted a traffic stop on a driver who was going. You want to know what he was doing to like. How fast he was going? Yeah, fast he was going in what zone. So how fast, his speed. Well, what's the zone because i'm not gonna tell you this oh tell us outside the zone

zone's 30 minute 30 mile per hour zone how fast was he going so he's like some neighborhood or something yeah 30 is like i'm gonna go 46 miles 46 what do you think 70 whoa i'll say 50 i feel like i just priced it right all right here you go. He was going 52 in a 30. All right. At about what time? Let's do this now. What time did the cops pull him over? When would you want your dog to drive?

After you took him for a good walk. I'm going to say like really early. Weird. Like 2 p.m. 2 p.m. What do you think, Jay? 6 p.m. 6 p.m. Dan? Daniel? I'm going early weird like 2 p.m 2 p.m what do you think jay 6 p.m 6 p.m dan daniel i'm gonna go 11 30 p.m okay one of you is exactly right no shit one of you

exactly stay with me i said six i did pray dan you're gonna switch to if i had to pick who you can switch you can switch i don't know dog does feel daytime to me now i'm doing it 6 p.m i'm staying at what did you say dan i said 2 p.m i'm gonna go to i'm gonna go okay so flip-flop we did this last time but we were both wrong in the last one we did okay get your answers in townies because he was pulled over doing 52 in a 30 mile per hour zone yeah at 11 30 p.m hey either way either way dan was right dan was right okay so near west seventh avenue and main street in the town of springfield according to police Either way, either way, a Dan was right. A Dan was right. Near West 7th Avenue and Main Street in the town of Springfield, according to police. Which, by the way, we should mention, we just came back from Springfield, Missouri, where we did the Blue Room.

Have you ever done the Blue Room? That's such a fun town. Unbelievable room. Unbelievable town. Such nice owners of that club. Chris and Molly are the coolest. Daniel, you should be doing this. That's a good problem. And we'll be back every year to the people of Springfield who came out to see us.

Driver attempted to switch places with his dog, which was in the passenger seat of a Dodge Challenger. That was a challenge of what he tried to do. A process. They wrote that? A process that Clip Phil watched as he walked towards the car. Oh, so he wasn't even. No. You get out of there.

Put the seatbelt on. I want you to get a ticket for not wearing a seat you know he climbed in the back probably here boy here boy put your paws on the wheel the first thing is is the clip fell officer clip fell watch the whole i know you can't do it in front of the cops so the suspect who had clear signs of intoxication you know in his brain he was like we're gonna i'm gonna make this happen right here. Checkmate. Got out of the passenger side of the car and told the chief that he wasn't the one driving. I tried to stop him. Thank you so much, officer.

He was not listening. I was too drunk. I made the right decision. He put weed in his Gainesburgers. I don't think he wants to be here. When Cliff fell ass, whether he'd be drinking. Are we all picturing a lab? Oh, yeah.

I was trying to think. For some reason, I had a retriever stuck in my head. Yeah, like that. Yeah. It says what it is. It's not like a collie. No, because he needs to be big enough to mimic the act of driving. It's like a brown lamb.

Remember we did this story with Kyle Kinane where there was a man who was dressed as a dog. Who made himself look like a dog. Oh, yeah. He was a collie. Was it a collie or a dog? Yeah, yeah. It was like a lassie. Oh, he was like a lassie dog. And it looked exactly like a dog. Oh, yeah. He was a collie. Was it a collie? Yeah, yeah. It was like a lassie. Oh, he was like a lassie dog.

And it looked exactly like a dog. So you could say, this is my friend. This is Gordon. I would love it if it was like a little Boston Terrier, like a tiny little dog. Barely on the bottom of the world. Can't reach the bottom. Like a corgi.

Has to stretch to reach the bottom. We can't see. You just see like a little. I'm going to say this next next sentence and you'll be like this is the greatest reaction to a question ever and when this happened clip fell and when clip fell asked

whether the man had been drinking the man tried to run away sir have you been drinking I'll take that as a yes I love like plan a is see if I can convince him that the dog was driving. Plan B is plan B, run. Just go. Just go.

Suspect's getaway attempt was cut short after how many yards from the car? Oh, that's, I mean, this is short, right? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Ten. Ten yards? What do you think?

No more than ten yards. Forty. Okay. Three yards. Yeah, about 10 feet. Nine feet. How far does the taser reach? Get your answers in town.

And he fell twice. The officer was like, I'm just going to see how far he gets. Okay, so the dog's in the front seat and he runs away when he asked him, have you been drinking? So after he told him that the dog was driving, his flip-flop broke 20 yards from the car okay farther than i would yeah 60 when is every minute a man and a woman were sober and they were in the back seat of the car oh my god how weird for that why didn't you try and switch with another person exactly why is a drunk guy

and a dog in the front and then two sober sober people in the back. Those are the dumbest people of all in this whole story. I would love if it's an Uber trip. If you're sober, you're like, dude, let me drive. You can't drive. That's wild. The sober people are the dumbest people in this whole story. I would agree 100%. It's also, it's a two-door car.

Unless they called this guy and he's their Uber. Yeah, that's what he was saying that's right okay a man woman's over the back seat police say they were later found found out the trio were driving from las animas to pueblo and got lost in springfield which is out of bar all right so for the record springfield is uh southeast of las animas while pueblo is to the west the drivers later found to have two active warrants out in pueblo according to springfield police he was medically cleared at a hospital and then booked into the bacca county jail for his warrants and on suspicion of driving under the influence driving while ability impaired driving under suspension speeding and resisting arrest and

throwing his dog under the bus i agree old asked the dog the other two occupants of the vehicle took the pup along with the vehicle back to Pueblo. There you go. And neutered him that night. I wanted to imagine the story ends with the dog driving the couple home. Yeah, the dog drove the couple home while they were having sex in the back seat. Dog's like, what'd he say? He's like, he said he's taking us home.

That's the dumbest part of that story is two sober people in the back. I mean, there's so many dumb parts of that story. He's like, were you drinking, sir? Runs away. Move the dog in there. Were you drinking, sir? Runs away. And then there's two sober people in the back seat.

All right, Jay, give us a little taste of what we're going to get for segment three. You got somebody pretending to be a cop and it doesn't work out. Nope. At least he wasn't pretending to be a dog. This is Dumb People Town. Dan Cummins is with us. We'll tell you what we have going on on the other side of this break. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Dan Cummins is with us. We'll tell you what we have going on on the other side of this break.

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hey gang welcome back to the show. Townies, we love you. Thank you for supporting us always by, uh, with the Patreon. Jay and I have a Patreon that, uh, we do a cheap seats episodes on. So check that out. Got a lot of dates coming up. Like basically one weekend out of every month, we're going to be on the road and doing really fun stuff.

Um, we are going to be Cleveland, Cleveland, Ohio, December 1st and 2nd, which I can't wait to do those shows. Those are going to be really fun stuff um we are going to be cleveland december ohio december 1st and 2nd which i can't wait to do those shows those are going to be really fun uh and david rodriguez from the comedy ford have you ever done the comedy ford oh you should do that another one you guys another one in fort collins he's going to be uh with us that week with us and featuring for us that weekend and then we'll be in portland at helium beginning of january and then the crocodile the next night on the fifth fourth and fifth fourth and fifth and then we'll be in portland at helium beginning of january and then the crocodile the next night on the fifth fourth and fifth fourth and fifth and then we'll be in back in denver at the comedy works south club which i really love first weekend of february and then the first weekend in march we'll be in uh mark ridley's comedy castle in detroit and then we'll be in

minneapolis the beginning of april and then moon tower so superscleros.com check all that stuff out we love you let's jump into this last story. Where are you going to be in Cleveland? We're going to be at Hilarities. I was hoping so. Nick is one of my favorite humans. He's the best. Nick Costas. What a wonderful... Sam and Dina. I love that entire stuff.

Incredible. So this is what we've learned from doing comedy around the country and you meet all kinds of people. Owners who really want to just do their business. Owners who want their business to go up their nose from doing comedy around the country and you meet you meet all kinds of people owners who are really want to just do their business owners who want their business to go up their nose in the form of cocaine yeah owners who really love comedy owners who freak you out about how much they love comedy but really the people who are good to the comedians and care about their business at the same time they're loved by the community what nick to Hilarity is in that area in downtown Cleveland.

He saved downtown Cleveland. He saved it. It was the first place. Pickwick and Frolic was the first business in downtown Cleveland. And again, being in Springfield, Missouri, the Blue Room, they have established something there that is incredible and beautiful, Chris and Molly, that they're helping bring all these great people.

There's a comedy works. What Wendy did in comedy works is like change Denver as a city. It's legendary. Like comics come, people come to Denver for comedy. Like that's insane. They've created a whole comedy. So,

so support us on the road. Superschoolers.com. Get your tickets. All right. Yeah. This is from Matt Friedman. Not your average Matt. He's a good contributor.

Thanks buddy. Uh, Friedman, not your average Matt. He's a good contributor. Thanks, buddy. Barber accused of posing as officer to see Megan Thee Stallion at Final Four Fest. By the way, it's Megan Thee Stallion.

So let's not get it twisted, Jay. Posts a certain level bond, which we will guess later. I want him to be dressed up as, like you guys said earlier, like a canine cop. Like a dog cop. Just to meld with the previous story. He's McGruff. dressed up as a like you guys said earlier like a like a canine cop like a dog cop dog in a trench coat take a bite out of crime uh the sound effect of the bite in that commercial is kind of amazing yeah it's an amazing sound effect it's a good one get it up get it up and

we'll play it on the microphone all right uh houston texas dan spends a lot of time buddies at the Secret Group. I love the Secret Group. Yeah, you've been there, right? Fantastic. Oh, my God. Andrew Youngblood. Oh, yeah.

My friend. He tours with Dan. Yeah, he features for me. Texas Theater, too. Yeah. He was there with my special with me. I love Andrew. They're solid people.

All right. A man accused of pretending to be a police officer to sneak into Friday's Final Four Fan Fest concert. What's the Final Four Fan Fest? Part of the Final Four weekend, the first weekend of April. police officer to sneak into Friday's final four fan fest concert. It's obviously the final four fans. So at the final part of part of the final four weekend, the first weekend of April, you can kind of see where we are in terms of stories, in terms of the,

my schedule on the score on the story timeline. Uh, they have a big concert that you can go to. And this guy's, you know, you know how I'm going to concert. You're going to buy a ticket. Not a bad idea.

No, I'm going to pretend to be a cop. I got him to go off. Oh my God. I guess his Lovey's probably done that I got him to gruff the crime dog Oh my god Yes his stories are wild Oh he's like Gruff the crime dog They make me anxious

Family and your community safe And help Take a bite out of crime It's just celery right It's just breaking celery I don't know what it is Take a bite out of crime Take a bite

Take a bite out of crime So Megan Thee Stallion Headlined He faced a judge on Monday. Trayvon Lil' Darius Stevenson. His middle name is Lil' Darius? Lil' Darius. I mean, I wouldn't have bought it

if it was just regular Darius. How old do you think this cat is? Trayvon Lil' Darius? Lil' Darius. You talking about Trayvon Lil' Darius? Trayvon Lil' Darius Esquire the Third? Yeah. Trayvon wants to see Megan Thee Stallion dresses up as a cop to do it. Trayvon Lilillard. Trayvon Lillard's Esquire the Third? Yeah. Really wants to see Megan Thee Stallion

dresses up as a cop to do it. Trayvon Lillard or Stevenson? I mean, I think he'd get farther if he just said I'm a great barber

and people would be like, get in here. Why not just dress up as like an employee who like sells Coca-Cola at the ride? Yeah, do less risk.

Just go get a red polo and black slacks. Oh, hey man. Part of the concessions. Yeah, I'm late for my shift right get a red polo and black slacks. Oh, hey, man. Part of the concessions. Yeah, I'm late for my shift right there. How old? 25.

Yeah. I like that. I mean, Cash, go talk to Cash Levy. He's like broken into. That's what we were saying. Yeah, so many Super Bowls. I say he's 29 years old. Because I don't think Megan Thee Stallion, oh, man, I'm going to go earlier.

What did you say? 25. I'm going to say 19. Whoa. Yeah. Oh, man, I'm going to go earlier. What did you say? 25. I'm going to say 19. Whoa. Yeah. By the way, I'm hoping he's 60. I'm saying 25. I'm hoping he's 60.

I mean, if he's 60, just let him go. Let him have sex with Megan Thee Stallion. I'm going to go 35 years old. 35 years old. All right. This man. 19, 35, 20. Trayvon Lill-Darris Stevenson.

Lill-Darris. 28 years old. Okay. There you go. His Saturn is returning. Um, he was held in Harris County jail over the weekend after being charged with impersonating a public servant.

You cannot do that. Can't do it. Guys, major crime. All the things just like, don't cop is the worst. You can pretend to be in terms of what you're going to get charged with. Yeah.

Cop is the thing that they can punish you. So you're going to love this. You're going to love it. Cause otherwise it the thing that they can punish you. So you're going to love this. You're going to love this. Right. Because otherwise it would just be trespassing. Right. Right. You just,

you just trespass in a weird way. Also, like if you tried to be a baker to get in there. That's what I'm saying. I love that. Just a ridiculous costume that doesn't fit. Really? I will say,

if you rolled up to any person getting paid fucking $11 an hour to barcode scan. And you're in a full on crazy, like, like a Muppet chef's costume. And you were like, I work, I'm, I have to work the cut, the carving station. They'd be like, okay, go ahead. So you have, I don't know why we always dress the carving station people up like this. Really tall hat. They would let you in. Why is the hat so tall at a carving station people up like this really tall hat they would let you in like why is the hat so tall at a carving station do they think that like for somehow some way if it's not that tall like

people have carved it and dan you've seen the dan and daniel you guys i'm guessing you've seen that like video from like the training video like how to talk to people oh my god the guy at the carving station of a thing oh yeah he's like and it's just him saying a bunch of conversation starters for the car as he's carving weird weather nice weather huh is this satirical or real no it was real from a training video about how these employees should like start conversations at the how's the weather you have to teach someone that. As he's carving. That's an interesting dress. Yeah.

It's been too long since I was at a carving station. I mean. I always feel like I'm having a pretty damn good day if I've ended up at a carving station. Didn't I have a carving something at Leah's, at my son's bar mitzvah? No. We had other stations. No, that was great food though. Carving station at home?

Yeah. Yeah. Who's that? That's our carving station. go over and he'll cut you some also if you want to have a big hat no he did you want to have a private conversation in your somewhere like meet me at the carving station got some information in front of this guy court documents read that steven allegedly wore a police canine vest he wanted to be part of the canine unit.

I would love if he brought a German shepherd, too. Like, really committed. And then said to people, don't pet him. He's working. He's working. He's on the clock. He's working. So he claimed to be working security as a police officer.

In his mind, Daniel, he thinks this is going to work. There's no way this does work. I'm going walk right up there i have the best with the intention of seeing megan the stallion sold our performance you have to have a dog though that if you have the dog they probably weird to have that outfit and not a dog true that's your first red flag uh-huh yeah attorney said stevenson is actually a barber in houston has no qualifications as any type of officer i mean but could have showed up as the barber. Could have showed up as the barber and people would have been like, get him in. Although he was wearing a police canine

vest, he reportedly did not have a dog with him on party Tuesday. First rule of police canine dog impersonation. You gotta have a dog. I'm picturing like a weird weekend at Bernie's. He has like a stuffed animal or something. Like maybe he's tucked to a dead like a stuffed animal or something like like maybe

stuck to a skateboard or something that he's just like pulling down next to him you've seen those haven't you like the guy's got like a giant stuffed animal dog yeah he's walking and he just walks by someone he's like and the person's like yeah people lose their mind lose their money appropriately so yes probably it's crazy the guy i'm not expecting it it will freak but but he could he also said my dog's in there i need to get my dog oh maybe my dog someone took my dog my dog we have a real we have a real situation yeah we have a real situation is a great way to come we have a real just we have a real situation so they're like sir what are you doing we have a real situation my dog i'm off yeah. I need you to stand down.

My dog is in there, and I need to go in and get him. Time is of the essence. Time is of the essence. This is another great phrase to like, guys, we're losing seconds here. If we're arguing, if we're going to sit around and debate this, the situation is only going to get worse. You're on a need-to-know. You're on a need-to-know basis, and right now, you need to know that I need to be in there. Just throwing out these random, like, it's above your pay grade. It's above your pay grade. need to know basis and right now you don't need to know that i need to be in there uh just throwing

out these random like it's above your pay grade it's above your pay grade right it's above my pay grade i gotta get in there we're losing light on this one i gotta my my hands are tied on this you think i want to be here dan that's such a good thing to say for a guy trying to sneak into a concert i just want to get home to my wife i don't know what let me just do this so i can get out of here Dan, that's such a good thing to say for a guy trying to sneak into a concert. I just want to get home to my wife. I don't know what. Let me just do this so I can get out of here.

Let me just do this so I can get out of here and go home. I got a boss just like you. I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers. And also, make them go with you. I'm actually going to need you to come with me. No, I can't leave. I really can't. Okay, fine. Well, then I'll be right back.

Boom. See you at the end of the concert. I'll leave you my walkie-talkie so you know I'm coming back. I really can't. I'll be like, okay, well. Okay, fine. Well, then I'll be right back. Yeah. Boom. See you at the end of the concert. I'll leave you my walkie-talkie so you know I'm coming back. Leave him walkie. All right. On Monday, the judge granted Stevenson, who has no previous record. So that's what we're dealing with here. Someone who is not.

There are some people who can pull this stuff off because they just know how to pull these things off because they do it all the time. This is a first foray into this world. He watched a movie or something. Yeah. And then it's like, I could do that. Yeah. Or he got inspired by it.

That's right. How am I going to get in there? I'm going to the Megan Thee Stallion concert. How much was the bond for this guy? $1,500? $5K. $800. You're going to lose your minds

when you find out that it's a $20,000 bond. What? Wow, it's so serious. Oh, from a personating officer. Yeah.ating an officer court record shows stevenson bonded out after his hearing okay megan the stallion is a fantastic draw big draw especially here in houston but this is still a felony case yes you can't do it you cannot go and impersonate an officer to get into a concert venue prosecutor matthew jackson told eyewitness News at Monday's hearing. The other problem about doing that too is like, what if someone really needed help?

Right. Like you don't want the responsibility. Like that's where it can get really bad. You know what I'm saying? Like if he's in there and something happens. Yes. This is a movie. Officer. Isn't that fake cops? Isn't that a movie? Fake cops. Oh, let's be cops. Let's be cops. That's another reason you don't want to be a cop. You don't want the responsibility

either. Like, can you imagine most cops don responsibility either like he actually gets in he's like so over his head right then a fight breaks out and then he has to stay in character yeah and now he handcuffs somebody right and then he's like i have no idea where do i just stay quiet he just walks him into the bathroom and then just maybe puts him in a stall just stay here for a little bit think about what you did just think about what you did here Stay here until after the encore. This is your Miranda Lambert rights. He has no idea. I'm going to read you your Lambert rights.

What? The Miranda Lambert. Is that it? Oh, God. That's it. There you go. That's the story of craziness. What a great. This is such a fun episode.

It's just a guy trying to get a dog to be the driver. A guy trying to impersonate it. Everybody's trying to do something else. Perfect for Dan Cummins. Again, his podcast is Time Suck. The name of the special so people can get it and watch it. It's trying to get better. Trying to get better.

Dan Cummins trying to get better. Watch the special. Tell people about it. Give it a good review. That's always good on YouTube, right? Yes. In the comment section, it is pretty funny. Just go for the comment section alone it's utter nonsense i just encouraged uh podcast fans to leave random lines from the time from time suck episodes yeah so there's a lot of talk about

like you know me ruining the library of alexandria right we should all be able to shoot fireballs like it's complete nonsense what a great and i love that your fans came back for you and did that for you oh it's so fun again uh trying to great. And I love that your fans came back for you and did that for you. So fun again, trying to get better. Dan Cummins. We love you guys. We'll see you on the road and oh shit,

we got to get back to work.