Dumb People Town - Dan Harmon - The Nissan Ring of Power

Episode Date: April 4, 2017

 This week, Feral Audio's own Dan Harmon (Harmontown, Rick and Morty) travels to Dumb People Town by way of a stolen rental car at 4AM! Dan tells The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk about how he mines material for his podcast. Story #1 involves a family who comes home to find a surprise on their couch. The group then discusses Rick and Morty's surprise Season 3 premiere drop on April Fool's Day, and the perils of the creative process. For Story #2, hear how a group of ne'er-do-wells gets in multiple fights over the course of an evening, eventually resulting in grand theft auto. Story #3 is the tale of an alleged conversion by means of an anointed cake. Stone Cold Steve Austin leaves a voicemail with some very enticing offers. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny hits So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, jerk, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey everybody, welcome to Dumb People Town. We've got a great guest who I feel like understands what dumb people do.

Not because he is a dumb person, but he kind of understands the human condition uh if you listen to his podcast which we were a part of go back and listen to us on his podcast harmontown can i say this about harmontown and dan harman is with us welcome dan harman oh thank you thank you uh i am amazed at how much i'm just gonna say material you come up with every single podcast. Like, these are thoughts that you have during the week and it comes out like fully formed bits. They're like stand-up bits. I was blown away.

We're sitting there and you're just going through your phone going through ideas and stuff that I guess you would come up with since the last podcast. You jot them down as you go. I was like, holy shit, this is like such involved bits and's usually more that day and weren't the weren't the bits like uh do you ever pee in your pee hole is uh which i think is fully formed white white people white people

pee in their pee holes like this black people would be like what yeah i don't i mean it was a crossing of the street or no, why it diverges. I don't know, whatever. You were coming up with, it was really, I was blown away. That's very flattering. I like the way I look through your eyes. Yeah, I think of it like my job is to not have anything prepared. But then I put some stuff on my phone throughout the day because I get nervous.

Like, if I'm going to have a show that night, I'm like, well, what if I really don't have... Yeah. It's like a two-hour show it's turned into. Yeah. So it's like sometimes you're up there and you're just kind of like, I'm wasting everyone's time.

It's a bit of a high-wire act because you do it live. So when you do it in front of an audience, you know, we're sitting here in this room and if something we say is kind of funny or doesn't, and it falls flat, whatever. But if you're in front of an audience you know we're sitting here in this room and if something we say is kind of funny or it doesn't but and it falls flat whatever but if you're in front of an audience like they're there and they love you and they love what's going on they're there by the way we did it the night of the oscars i'm like who is gonna come out in la the night of the oscars to see a show sold out packed well that goes to why it's not really a highway or act it's more like jumping into a big

net because those fans are there for you no matter what it's like a church or a town meeting you know it they're they're so on board they're so supportive you can feel the the love and like you know it's just like we've done so many episodes that it's like, if you could conceive of a worst case scenario, we've been through it, you know? It's like, I've literally pissed my pants on stage.

Which, by the way, vodka. And that was a fully formed piss bit. He wrote that in his phone earlier. He wrote that in his phone

earlier. Piss my pants on stage and then you just check it right off. There is, though, like, nothing better

than I, it's just, it feels so great when you hit the stage for a live podcast because it's traditionally always full of people that are there for everything you're about to do. And it feels so... Yeah, we did. It feels like doing a show with friends.

We did Doug Benson's up in Portland when we were up there and just the sound of the audience when he came out was just awesome. I honestly think that like 40% of our society's problems could be solved if every human being

could experience that you know like they have those rock climbing centers and things like that or you go on a hike with a troubled teen like

because it's not that's kidnapping it doesn't we happen to structure our society in a way that maybe it's earned in some way whether you're lucky or you have something to say or something like that.

But that doesn't discount the fact that truly it's easy enough to stand in front of an audience and have them affirm you. And once they do, there's a mercury switch that gets thrown that you never, it never really gets thrown back. Like it's, which reveals I know nothing about electronics. Did you work at Radio Shack like a year? gets thrown back like it's uh which reveals i know nothing about electronics but uh um you're the reason radio went out of business but but everyone kind of deserves that i mean because it really isn't the part of it that fixes you isn't earned like you can have all the conversations you want about who should be on stage and who shouldn't but but the basic fact that 200 people saying yes you are who you are like that's something that everybody deserves because that's exactly biologically i think what we're i think designed for i think that's one of the beauties of harmaton is i think that you also

give that back to the audience that the people in that audience also feel like you it's great who you are yeah it's easy when you don't have an act because if you're 40 minutes into a show you have nothing nothing to talk about and then some oceanographer because you're talking about dolphins starts going actually that's not true about dolphins it's like hey get up here man get up here and let's talk about it but then that opens up a whole new thing i think what you're describing right now and i think what we have to start doing is podcast fantasy, Ken. We need to make that happen. That would be a really interesting thing.

I mean, the thing, I taught, I was in high school improv when I was in Milwaukee. Comedy sports. Yeah, and then I graduated from that and became like a coach of sorts. I taught improv. I'm faltering around those words because I'm't i'm not qualified to teach improv but i did um and one of the things one of the exercises in improv was simply before you do anything else you get in a big circle with like very beginning zero experience improvisers and and you go around a circle and they they say any word and then everyone in the circle says that word and then yes and then you move on. And it's like, fuck it. It sounds so ridiculous.

But if you say avocado and then everyone says, yes. And then moves on. Affirmation. Feels good. Yeah. I do a bit in my standup where I, I say we're all in it together. And the first time I do it, no one knows to follow along with me. So the joke is like, you know, I say like, as an aside, I'm like, we were supposed to,

whatever. It's fine. You guys are good. Another chance. And then by the third time I say like, as an aside, I'm like, we were supposed to, whatever, it's fine. You guys are good at another chance. And then by the third time I do it, everyone in the audience says it. Because they want to be

a part of it. Together. And I say it as a joke. I go, we could do that all night and it would feel good. It wouldn't be funny, but we would all feel good.

And after the show, I have people come to me and be like, that was, that did feel good. I'm like, yeah, because we are in this together.

Well, we are in this together right now. This is Dumb People Town and we have stories that come to us, and the four of us will break these things down. This is what I love to do. You want to do one? Let's do one. We have a great comedic mind here.

Thank you. I appreciate that. No, we're talking about- Sitting next to Dan Harmon, Jason Sklar. Okay, Andy Dan. We're talking about Dan. We're talking about Dan. I know.

Sent in by Justin Roth at Joth11. Guys, everybody, I saw some people, if you want to send us stories, I love it. To me, it's like the cornerstone of how the bread gets made, right? Don't watch how the bread gets made. Isn't that what everybody says? No, I think it's the sausage.

Have you seen bread be made? No, I have not. Well, then maybe. I have been to a Wonder Bread factory as a child. That was actually one of the trips that we took as kids. To the Wonder Bread factory? We went to the Powell Symphony Hall in St. Louis, and then on the way back, they took you to the Wonder Bread factory. I guess it was like high, low. What if this is how Jason found out that Randy had a different life with his...

I was like, wait, you went to the... It's the one thing. You went to the Wonder Bread factory. Randy was a childhood trucker who had an entire other family that he was a part of. It explains everything. It's why one of them is a millimeter taller than the other one. Remember when Dad took us to steak dinners every Thursday night? No.

Just driving, drinking, going to see that new fam. With Auntie Roxy? No. You don't know Auntie Roxy? No. What the fuck? God. Daniel and I slowly leave while everything falls apart between the two of them.

You just hear the sounds of the third act of Dead Ringers with Jeremy Irons. It's time for the separation. Yes, Chang. You guys must be so into Dead Ringers, right? It's great. It's just really a lifelong dream. You just watch it on a loop, don't you? Yeah, we hope we can get there.

It's something lifelong dream. You're just watching on a loop, don't you? Yeah, we hope we can get there. It's constantly being... It's something to aspire to. You know how when you're sailing and you're going nowhere, it's called being caught in irons? Stuck in irons, yeah. So that's what we are. We're stuck in Jeremy Irons. Anyway, this was sent in by atjoth11. Thanks, Justin.

If you want to be a part of the show, potentially, I go through the order in which they were sent to me, try to find great stories. Just hashtag dumb people town. people uh forget to do that so guys it's hashtag dumb people town and at daniel van kirk all right brianna wiley called the police last friday night when she returned home with her two young boys to find a strange completely nude woman sitting on her couch. Now, she doesn't know she's strange, first of all.

That's fantastic. Well, she's totally nude. Based on pubic hair grooming things, I think you can tell a lot about a woman. Like, if it's wild, you can, in a minute, be like, if you're not making a political statement, you're a strange. I think it just means,

because if they left out the word strange, you'd be like, okay, must be a neighbor. a neighbor yeah that's true a neighbor who's really hot wait can i say that i'm kind of hot and beautiful but as you started that sentence i'm kind of glad that it was a woman that it wasn't brianna who was just like a bad mom i'm like as soon as i heard she had two kids i'm like what did she do what did she do and then it wasn't her oh yeah we took it she she's the victim because brianna sounds like the beginning of somebody who's going to do something dumb with their kids. It's the white trash version of a Fleetwood Mac song.

Brianna. I'm relieved that she has the kids with her. I guess I wish the kids weren't there. Oh, no, I wish the kids were there. You wish the kids were like her coffee mug that she rested on top of her car before she traveled to the gas station. I'm just picturing a nice Florida night. I wish the kids were there. You wish the kids were like her coffee mug that she rested on top of her car before she traveled to the gas station. I'm just picturing a nice Florida night.

I'm assuming this is Florida. We will find out. Yes, yes, yes. So like a sticky muggy night. Yeah. They just come home and there's a strange woman laying on the bed. There's two reasons this isn't that weird yet if it's in Florida. One is the weather.

Yeah. Yeah. Weather means like, yeah, she was, you know. Just trying to relieve the humidity. We all get a little hot. Well, the woman says, Brianna,

quote, I asked her who she was and why she was there and she told me her name was Catherine and she was there for the birthday party. Oh my God.

This woman's interpretation of a, not, guys, not the end of the birthday party this is her walk-in and you're like this is surprise right you don't you know that friend who shows up way too ready to go oh yeah oh yeah up here yes katherine katherine is ready she's she enters a party which starts at 6 p.m. at 11 p.m. At 11 p.m. But here's my thing.

When did we stop having people come out of cakes? Like, that's... When did they show up on your couch? She's like, you know... She jumped the cake. That's called jumping the cake. She's part of an unfortunate. This is just more of the Rust Belt's tragedy. Guys, we're losing our cake jumping jobs.

Large cake manufacturers are going down. I'm going to show you guys a picture of the woman on the couch. Our cake jumping jobs are going down to Mexico, and I think that's the problem. They kind of put a little decal in front of it, but you can see her. She just looks like... She looks like every male improviser at UCB. Okay. She just looks like a lady.

Just like a regular middle-aged... When you say lady, you mean lesbian, right? No. When you showed it to us, all we saw on this side was... Because there was like a... Thing covering her face. Yeah. That's supposed to be there.

I can't get rid of it. Spiky haircut. She looks like a FIAD coach. I'd say like a nurse ball breaker kind of. Yeah. D2 basketball coach. She's the one who has the keys to the cabinet where all the balls are. Brianna Wiley said she was there for the birthday party.

She was definitely dressed for it. Brianna's got jokes. Jokes. There was no birthday party, and the woman was stripped down to her birthday suit wearing nothing but a smile. You can hear the newscaster voice written into the article. That is terrible. She met me at the door and asked how she could help me. Imagine that. By the the way wearing a smile i and the and and whenever my wife says i'm i'm wearing this

purse yeah i i always that it's not enough it bumps me and i guess from like a writer's perspective it just bumps me like you're holding it you have i'm bringing the like you're not wearing it you're bringing it i don't know it'm bringing the, like, you're not wearing it. You're bringing it. I don't know. It just is weird. I just love that this woman, Brianna, gets to her own door. It's locked. There's a woman in there. No one says anything about a break-in, so I'm assuming she left her door open or unlocked.

And the naked lady walks up to her and says, how can I help you? I'm confused because I thought she was laying on the couch. I thought she was on the couch. She was. I guess she maybe saw her when she walked up. But when she got to the door, Catherine approached her in the nude and said, how can I help you? Start by breastfeeding my children. If I am this woman and I've got my two kids with me and I see through the patio, the Florida patio door...

You don't lean in on it? Yeah, I'm not going to go to the door. Kids, come on. We're all learning something today. Let's go. You know why I try to deal with this? Because you know what? It could happen to you. So get up here.

You go first. Tell her to get. It becomes a cautionary tale. It's like the Chris Rock bit. Keep him off the Chris Rock bit. Keep him off the ball, keep him off the couch. I mean, our dad, when we were kids and we were in, I'll never forget this. I don't know if we've even spoken about this on this show, but we were driving to the Lake of the Ozarks. He was in the middle of Missouri, grew up in St. Louis.

And there was, it was raining and there was this old guy. Oh my God. With a gas can. Old. I mean, he had to have been about like 70, you think? No, no, no. He was probably in his 50s. He looked like Charles Manson. Well, you guys were kids,

so he was probably 33 years old. And he had a gas can and it's pouring down rain at night and he waves down and my dad lets him get in the car with us to like drive him to a gas station. I remember our mom was like, what the fuck are you doing? In the back? him get in the car with us to like drive him to a gas station. I remember our mom was like what the fuck are you doing?

In the back? He sat in the front. He had like one of those bench seatings. In the front. No, he sat next to our mom. No, she was in the middle? Yes. She was in the middle. She was the buffer? We're in the back seat. I couldn't believe it. I was like, dad, why are you? I know we want to help people out and that's like a really wonderful

thing to do and I really appreciate that. But we don't know who this guy is did you ever ask your dad later in life like how he assessed that situation no because as a dad now what i realize is he just in the moment made the call and didn't want anyone to question the call that he made he probably made a dad regretted it immediately made it was like this is a dumb call i'm gonna get shit from it from my wife and everybody but like this is the call I made and everyone's got to go with it. That's like a lot of dad decisions. Like, no, look, we're going to go around the block to find the fucking parking spot. Is that guy still a part of your family?

Yeah, we went to his way a week ago. By contrast, if I'm walking up to my apartment and I see a woman, I would say to my kids, we're going to go live somewhere else now. What about our home? I'd say, well, that lady lives there now. That's her apartment. Possession is 80% of the law. She did more than we did to earn that property.

Did you like our home? Did you like our home? Who didn't lock the door? That's right. Because that person, someone in the backseat. He's got it now. Did you like our home? Did you like our home? Who didn't lock the door? That's right. Because that person, someone in the backseat didn't like our home enough to lock the door, so we're going to a new home now. It's hers now. Kids, one day you'll need a home passionately enough to take off all of your clothes and

walk into it, risking death. But by the way, isn't that where we're heading? Definitely swatting. That's like so Mad max and like just the naked people would just take over uh so she says uh i told her she said how she helped me brianna said to her i told her she could help me by letting me into my house for one which means she's assessed a list of things number one get dressed is probably on some clothes and then she goes and she did she was nice but it was very shocking brianna wiley

told her boys four and six years old right for just that's impressionable that's the definition of the question this kid 20 years later be like the four-year-old won't remember to naked middle aged moms on the couch the four-year-old won't remember the six-year-old will the four-year-old you're right because i remember talking to eugene merman, and I was like, when did you move here from Russia? And he said, I was four and a half. And I was like, what was Russia like? And he's like, I don't know.

It was four and a half. I don't remember one thing of it. So this four-year-old, and I'm going by that because my son doesn't remember our old house. He was four in it. So that's it. Four-year-old will forget. So these two will be drinking. Six-year-old will never forget.

Three-year-old's like, why am i watching so much women's basketball they'll be drinking in their 20s and they'll be looking at each other with one of them saying how do you not remember this is what you're saying no no he'll remember it it'll be the mark uh quote from brianna she then put her clothes on backwards crisscross i i wouldn't have pointed that out i would have been like we're good enough go that is fine I'm sorry that's on yeah

she then realized her clothes were on backwards so she proceeded to take them off again as I was standing there do you think she's just that was on purpose right

put them on backwards I want to do it right to take them off again I want to do it right I want to do it right I want to do it right I'm not walking out of this house

and embarrass myself with a shirt on backwards the last thing I want to do it right. I want to do it right. I'm not walking out of this house in embarrassment with a shirt on backwards. The last thing I want to do is do something embarrassing. Officers who later arrived on the scene and placed her into custody advised that she was, quote, highly intoxicated. Corporal Benjamin Littoral said, this wasn't the first time the woman has crashed someone's home drunk. The woman identified as Catherine Therrell was charged Wednesday for crashing into... Yeah, Therrell Audio. Crashing into another PV home back in February. Can that be like a thing?

Is that a fetish? Well, no, no, no. Is it a fetish? No, but if a... She definitely gets some excitement out of it, number one. Just being naked in someone else's house. She's got to have... You think it's sexual for her?

I totally think it's sexual. I think she's just relaxed. think it's sexual i think she's just relaxed maybe it's not sexual it's something it's like visceral on a certain level maybe she's just in her own house as soon as she walks in pants off it's possible we don't what we do the data we need includes what is her normal sober home activity if she she might tend to i wish that you were a police officer on this force and you'd be like look before we roll around let's take her to her own house we need a control drop her off and tell her everything's fine well i'm not waiting my punishment of this woman by i don't know i love

it though just come on dave let's get a sense of who she is in her own habitat yeah then we know then we know the intent but it seems like if there were sexual overtones that were received by the teller of the story, by the... She would have, yeah. That would be... Made note.

Yeah. For Wiley's... The couch was very wet. Let me just... Yeah. For Wiley's... Well, that's because the window was open.

The damage is all mental. Her four and six-year-old... This is what Brianna says. Her four and six-year-old boys can't stop talking about the incident. Making them diagnosably human. Yes. Making them four and six-year-old boys.

Now all we hear about is the naked lady and including at school. School gets to hear about the naked lady too. I mean mean the only thing that would have made it better for the four and six year old and you have you have a boy it would have been if she would have as she was leaving just farted and and if her vagina was a pokey stop wait wait stand there because there's a squirtle coming out of your mouth. She farted candy. But wait, I mean, yeah,

everybody does get to talk about the make it money at school. Forever. Forever. They also get to drink water three times a day and have hot meals. This is as important as breathing. It's as basic as that. As soon as that happens, that is the thing.

If these guys are going to be scarred by anything, it's going to be... I'm sorry, I don't want to victim blame, but it's a weird thing to be raised by a mom whose instinct upon this happening... Is to allow them to walk in. Is to want to redact it from their memory, like Eternal Sunshine. We don't do that anymore. I think we need to just live as a family in a post naked lady world yes like some of us go to disneyland some of us see a giant in our house right that's what ended up being the bigger issue is that they had a mom that wanted to act like

shut it down or happen shut it down yeah because just let it run its course but if you're a parent you got to get out in front of that right and call the teacher be like look the naked lady you're gonna hear about today is not a part of our fan like do you just think they're the weird crayon drawings that you're gonna see that look like they're designed by a production designer of a horror movie and you're gonna say why you're gonna say why does this man have a vagina that was her haircut that was who she was where's the candy come out of? Alright, you guys ready to play a new game? Yes. We're gonna play a game called, Whose Home State Did This

Happen In? I did my research, so Dan, I know you were born in Wisconsin, and Milwaukee is your stomping ground. Cops. She had just eaten cops. This could be Missouri, Wisconsin, or Illinois. Which really, those are great three states.

Because it says that this happened between the weeks of June 10th and August 1st. Otherwise, this woman is dead. Because skin freezes in 30 seconds. Especially in Wisconsin. So yeah, Missouri, Illinois, or Wisconsin. Whose home state did this happen in? And listeners, feel free to play along at home. Jason?

I'm going to say Missouri, because that feels like our state. Missouri. It does feel like, even Randy bringing up that story reminds me of Missouri. Oh, the guy with the gas can? Yeah. I feel like Missouri, because it's warmer there, so it increases the statistical probability of this happening. It is, of course, the show-me state.

I can't argue with that. I've got to go with that. I'm going to go with Missouri. Dan, where did this happen? This happened in Peveley, Missouri. Way to go, guys. We used to play baseball in Pe yeah i think we did something like therese bond was set at ten thousand dollars that's our first story first story in the books

that's how we do it with damn it kirk the show he's saying show me the show me the uh no i don't even know i don't know i was like where what does he have at the end but she'd done it before huh huh? Yeah. Like the cops are like, oh, she does this all the time? Yeah. They said her again. You should never see a naked woman

in someone else's apartment and say the phrase here we go again. Here we go again. Here's the crazy thing. The way they wrote it, I literally couldn't tell if they were saying

she crashed her car into another house or crashed. But then they said narrowly missing a mom and child. But I don't know if that means like

they came home late and she was already gone. I think it was like I think it was that. In our world, this is her thing. But there is a double standard.

I mean, I don't want to say this, but like a man does that and it's like horribly predatory. Here we go. These liberal views. That's a statistically

defensible double standard. Totally. Yeah, I thought about that and then I thought, you know, this is just another, I mean, it's just, we haven't treated chemical problems as the illness that they are since the Nixon administration. Like, apparently Nixon was actually kind of pro, let's look at heroin as a disease. Yeah. Nixon was actually kind of pro let's look at heroin as a disease. And it was in the later administrations that we decided

that people that do drugs and can't handle them, whether it's alcohol or anything else, oh, that's their problem. They're just a bad person. They're making bad choices. It's a fault of their own. But then we don't if this woman is choosing to do this then she's a menace to society but we all have that instinct we go well she's she's drunk she obviously

isn't going to do this when she's sober so that's the double standard that we have is that we're like we're like oh drunk people people get drunk or they or or you know crystal meth's a hell of a thing like it's all fucked up and and and people do it and they can't control themselves and they do all this fucked up shit but we don't treat it then we just let it run rampant because it's like a random thing i mean the good news is that this administration should really take a good look at that and help people one thing could come from this podcast it'll be the one that donald trump's gonna be listening to it's really gonna be i know tune in and be like, you know what? Maybe we do need to take a look at that as a mental health issue.

All right. So let's take a break. When we come back, we've got more Dumb People Town. We'll talk about the first episode of the new season of Rick and Morty just dropping. Which surprised a lot of people. Surprised a lot of people with Dan Harmon, Dan Van Kirk, Skly Brothers, Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. If you were lucky enough. We didn't do anything. You said we were going to go away. Well, we went away.

We went away. They went away. They went away, but we didn't. We didn't go away we moved them and then we come back uh jesus christ what a mind fuck it is a mind fuck it's a time travel talking to people who are now minutes older than us they have now done something in the in the in the overall of this whole thing they are they pause the podcast and respond into whatever advertising we just put into this podcast. That is insane.

And we know that. But let's talk about the surprise launch of this new season of Rick and Morty. How did you guys decide? I love that idea. I love that it was a shock to everyone, including people who work in this building. This is probably the fifth time that Adult Swim has informed us of a very strange marketing decision. And it's the fifth time that I've said, the last time was fine, but this time they're nuts. Like, the last time worked brilliantly, but this time they're stupid.

You know, like, I really thought it was the dumbest idea I could have ever heard. Well, right, because the prevailing thought would be we should probably promote when this thing's coming out so that people know. Well, there's that. I was okay with the dropping it and the kind of like, hey, fuck it, we're a popular show

and you've been waiting too long for it. Right. The unceremonious kind of weird dropping of it because the alternative would be me complaining to Adult Swim, whose money I had already stolen by being so late with the show, saying like, no, then you have to promote the hell out of it.

But it's the April Fool's thing that I thought was just so, I was like, people are going to be so confused. They've been waiting for this show. And then you're going to say, April Fool's the show is on? Are they going to think that it's not actually coming back and this is just a one-off? Which is kind of true because now the new episodes don't you know they're they're coming later in the summer right um and so i was like oh my god they're gonna lynch us because we're gonna say april fools here's the

first episode now now wait april fools but people seemed pretty happy yeah that was amazing it was a big splash good to see you guys very cool what what do you what do you like doing the most i mean again i hear in the podcast i'm like that is the purest form of you but you've obviously done a lot of things and you've done that everywhere you did in australia we saw jeff davis as he was you guys were just about to head down to australia you've done around the country you do it here in la what and then podcast writing writing for live action animation what do you love the most doing when you get your hands dirty with something um i think i think i think my i think i think one of them the most actualized is like stunt writing like and what if if it could always

just not matter if i can trick my brain which I sometimes do, like whether it's like lately, sometimes I'll open a laptop on stage and there'll be a projector and then I'll type while people are watching me type. And that's been, that's really interesting and fun to me because it's like a fusion of like, oh, I'm a genius, but I don't have to be. You know, it's like you're getting all of the glory of like you're a concert pianist, but you're not doing anything that requires any discipline. That's right. No notes are coming out. Does it also, in that moment, like one of my favorite things is the Harmontown documentary

and what I love in it, and I think about this scene every single time I'm on a deadline and late, is that scene where they're like asking you for more pages and late is that scene where they're like asking you for more pages and it's that night where you're like and you've put it off so much and so much so much but you also know about yourself that until it gets to that like drop deadline like that's when the best is going to come out of you because it has to so is there some of that on stage where you know that in this moment of the pressure of having to do it you are going to be

able to mind like you create the scenario for which your mind works. Because I think every time I'm like you in that moment, as close as I can probably get, to where I'm like, this has to be done right now. And then in the next three hours, I'll do ten times as many pages as I would have done in the last two weeks had I really sat down. I think, I mean, I i'm gonna mitigate that for the kids listening who i don't want to imitate bad uh me either i try but i but i still end up what you're describing is is us having the bad habit of getting to the place that that uh we need to be in order to write um by force yeah like like using uh deadlines and emergency and crisis and adrenaline as a um as a crutch to get us to the zone that theoretically you should be able to be in um the

day after you get the job three months before the deadline which is to just this doesn't matter like like so it's like that this if you are waiting until the last minute and and until the pressure is crushing you until your career is at stake and now you're either going to prove to be a hack or a genius and all that stuff that is a sign that you do need to do some some some retooling about your relationship with your work i think you're taking yourself a little too seriously and this is coming from i'm not talking down to anyone listening because i'm the master of it i think but it's like you know being in therapy what i've come to realize is that that's that's what we're doing we're we're we're because we want to um not admit that it's not all about us we want to keep being narcissistic and but at the at the same time, we want to be lazy, frankly.

Like, we don't want to do anything that's that difficult. And so... You have to raise the stakes earlier for yourself. Or just say, or not even... Or just be like, get it out. Lower the stakes. Lower the stakes. Or just be like, get it out.

That's when we're like, okay. Just understand that you sitting at a keyboard typing is not the scene in amadeus when yeah or any scene in amadeus or any scene in anything right like you're not doing anything by typing at a keyboard a scene in the video falco it's barely part of the process it's like like when is a spider you know doing the thing that makes his web, or hers, what makes their web right? Is it the silk coming out of the butt? Is it what the spider ate? Is it the place that the spider chose to make the web?

And then we walk through shitty spider webs that have been abandoned by spiders ten times a year because... Cobwebs and spiderwebs are different cobwebs are like means that you haven't hung out there in a while

spiderwebs mean that like construction is happening construction is happening in terms of like the spider is building something right now well that's not to my knowledge

that's not actually true most spiderwebs that you walk through are abandoned because the spider was like gave it a shot figured it halfway through that it wasn't working

and bailed or they finished a web and it was in such a shitty place Because the spider was like, gave it a shot, figured it halfway through that it wasn't working, and bam. Or they finished a web and it was in such a shitty place that it kind of fell apart. Right. They do a lot of trial and error, but most importantly, it's a biological process. It's essentially like taking a shit. I've got to get this web out of me. I was just talking to this. And exactly.

And until you really feel, I've got to get this web out of me, then it's not going to come out, which is why we then make the mistake of justifying this bad work ethic where we're like, oh, well, it's part of your process. You just have to wait until the last minute. No, you have to wait until the last minute if you want for it to need to happen in a way that doesn't involve you changing your psychology. Yeah, totally. in a way that doesn't involve you changing your psychology. Yeah, totally.

The other alternative is you can just start taking what you do less seriously and have it be like, oh, maybe a fly will fall into this. Whether it does or doesn't, it's only a piece of garbage that's going to go away after a while. By the way, taking it less seriously, I relate to that big time in terms of going up and doing stand-up shows. There are some shows that, for whatever reason, wherever they are are the show itself you start to like feel more pressure in those moments the shows that we have the most fun on is when we just go up and we're like fuck it let's just who cares this is you sort of that pressure same with auditioning for things whenever you're like fuck it it's don't take it don't want it so badly. Don't take it so seriously. You always do your best work. We always do.

The idea that it's your job to do well, that's the thing that we don't realize. That's the devil's best trick. Because if it's your job to do well, then as a person that enjoys quality things, do you, when you go home at night, do you watch the jokes and the comics and the TV shows and read the comic books and watch the movies of the people that are doing it worse than you think you can do it? Or do you like to watch the ones where you're kind of like, oh, I don't know if I would have come up with that. So we generally would prefer to watch things that are better than what we can do. So when we consider it our job to do better than we can do yeah it's an impossible goal then you don't do anything because you're waiting for you to come up with something that you don't come up with uh by contrast if you simply shit it out

and consider it your job to do it wrong do what you would do and in fact embrace the idea that what you are going to do is going to suck then that's more like what chefs do carpenters do sculptors they don't they don't sit there and like scrutinize a boulder with a chisel in their hand and then their first like dink dink dink is i don't like i know i learned about sculpting from the flintstones but, you know, generally speaking, people take lumps of shit, throw it on a table and they refine it. A lot of times there's collaboration involved. There's people helping you. A lot of times you're doing most of the work.

It's just sitting there. I was just telling this to my girlfriend is like torturing herself. Like, oh, you know, I don't have these scripts done when I'm supposed to have them done and all this stuff i'm like did you are you aware of the process of the last ones that you did like yeah you gotta open the laptop on stage and just start typing that's it and then let it sit and then do another draft and do another draft i mean we were we i remember i in college and then we'll get to another story i took a hemingway fitzgerald class and i came in liking fitzgerald more than hemingway but i ended up loving heingway more because of what my teacher, who was friends with Hemingway, said about him. His quote about what he would do when he had writer's block, which was he would just go to this place where he wrote, and he would sit down, and he would just try.

First say a bunch of random comments about how much he hated Jews. That's a palate cleanser. What he would do is he would sit down and try to write the truest statement he hated Jews. That's a palate cleanser. What he would do is he would sit down and try to write the truest statement he could write. Not a part of his, not a part of necessarily the story, not a part of anything. He didn't even say,

I'm going to write the best thing I've ever written. I'm just going to try and write the truest thing I can write. That is, we go back to that quote a lot of times when we're sitting around going why do we start this what do we do we're like let's just write the truest thing we can write that's it doesn't have to be funny doesn't have to be good doesn't have to be anything but that goes back to start shitting it out yeah get it out yeah i just wanted to say two things about what dan said first of all

you didn't say this but you put the words in my head. A spider doesn't wait till the flies in the room to start making a web. And then Brian Grazer said, and I cannot forget this, it doesn't have to be good. It just has to exist. And like when he wrote Night Shift or that movie, that was what Lou Wasserman, I think, had taught him. It doesn't have to be good. It just has to exist. And then by your saying of just get with that lump of clay or whatever,

some things will be good, but don't worry about that. Just make it exist. Because we're all critics. We're all so good at recognizing what's shitty about something and how we fix it. And then we're all so bad at making something. So just make something bad and then criticize it until it's good. Alright, this was sent in by

Sam Householder, at Sam Householder. I'm a huge fan, full disclosure, of Householders and Householders International. Yes. Elkhart, multiple confrontations between the same group of people early Sunday. Which means late Saturday.

Yep. Left one person hospitalized and another woman without her rental car oh that's enough that's the whole story i think they could end it i got we got hit so hard we lost our buick and we got our enclave it all it almost there was a didn't follow the exact haiku rules, but it felt emotionally like a haiku. It was a very bizarrely Japanese and poetic. A dumb people town. It was a very Asian story, yes.

A dumb people town haiku. People who, multiple confrontations equal loss of rental time. The incident started with a fight in the 900 block of West Marion Street around 4.10 a.m. That is too late to be fighting. Too late to be awake. Go to bed. By the way, when was the last time you were up at 4.10 a.m. That is too late to be fighting. Too late to be awake? Go to bed. By the way, when was the last time you were up at 4.10 in the morning? Oh, I don't know. That's not too unreal for me,

but in a street... Oh, no, no, no. I'm not saying people don't do it. I'm saying your energy level at 4.10 is not the same at midnight as it is at midnight. Yeah, you're not in a street at 4.10 in the morning. You don't have the energy to fight somebody.

A group of people. This is how they wrote this. I think it's wrong. A group of people was hanging out at a residence. It's were, right? Yeah. No, a group was. A group of people was hanging out at a residence.

Sounds wrong, but it's right. When a fight broke out and someone damaged the window on a 2003 Nissan, Elkhart Police Department spokesman Sergeant Chris Snyder said, you're hanging out outside at four in the morning? Yep. The owner of that vehicle became enraged, picked up a board, and started hitting a 30-year-old woman's 2016 Nissan, which she had rented from Enterprise.

This is not a good night for Nissan. And you know she did not get the insurance. Ma'am, would you like the insurance? No, what's going to happen? Ma'am. What's going to happen? I'm telling you, it's $395. What's a guy going to start hitting it with a board?

Ma'am, it's $395 extra a night. I don't need it. $395. You never know what's going to happen. Let's go. Just tell me where to sign them. I know you want to hurry up, but we've listened. Tell me where to sign them. If there's a tiny crack in your windshield, we will have to.

You don't have to worry about anything, man. It's never going to happen. It's not going to happen. It's amazing that someone who, if you're a victim of a senseless crime against your Nissan, that in your organic rage, that person was so in the moment that they lashed out at another Nissan. I wonder if they... It's a lot of justice. They're a hammer in God's hand.

In the process of hitting the car, one of the blows shattered a window in the 2016 Nissan, spraying shards of glass into the face of someone sitting inside. What? Someone's in there? That's my point. It was a naked woman from Missouri.

Hello. I'm here for the party. Not anymore. You're not. Worst birthday ever. Actually, happy birthday to you. If you're sitting in a car and you've watched, as Dan noted, one random act of violence, and then a person picks up a board and starts coming towards the car you're in.

You get out of the car! Get out of the car! Oh, I don't know about that. Go the opposite way of the car. It's only been established as a car victim scenario here. Or do you think you're safe in the car, kind of like a tornado's coming, or there's lightning? I'm picturing myself sitting in a car and I'm watching this happen and I'm thinking that maybe the person will see me in the car and be like

pick a different car. I just like picturing you in the car, Dan, being like, stop! It's a rental! It's a Nissan! It's a rental! I didn't get the insurance. I definitely was a rabbit or something, or some rodent in a past life because I would just freeze.

I know I would. I've seen myself in conflict situations. I think that I would associate as a guy getting out of the car with escalation of violence. Like you get out of the car and that's like standing up. But also you get out of the car, get out the other side of the car

and run and run and run. And they're coming up driver's side. Who knows if they're passenger side? You're assuming they're stuck driver If you're stuck driver's... But here's the other thing. But it wasn't her car. I guarantee you, though, that didn't crack on the first break. It's hard to break a window.

I also guarantee you, I've actually seen vehicular scorched earth conflicts like this before. Really? Have you? I was driving through one in Hollywood. What? Happened down the street from my apartment. And it was like four in the morning. And I'm guessing that there was a crowd of people.

This wasn't like the OK Corral where there's just like... One guy and a board. Like the Hatfields and McCoys. It's like there's going to be this amorphous swarm of people... there's going to be this amorphous swarm of people that expect the right to go back and forth in the roles of peacemaker, instigator, and sportscaster. Right, and spectator. Because when you drive through one of these, as me and Schraub did one night, all you're seeing is a guy in a hoodie carrying a cinder block over his head like Hercules,

walking right in the direction of your car, and then just turning out. He slammed it onto another car. Yeah, he just dropped it onto a windshield. Shattered it, shattered the windshield. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Holy Christ.

But there were just people everywhere. Yeah, how quickly are you trying to drive away from that? Oh, we were just like, yeah, we were scooting around. Get out. We're good. Although Dan, Schraub's voice getting higher by the minute. Schraub's voice already here, but getting higher. No, but Dan would be like, let's find out what's going on over there.

Dan has like a bizarre curiosity. We call him life's bouncer. He's life's bouncer. Are we good? I would have seen if I could have sorted it out. Yeah, you would have. Are we good? I would have seen if I could have sorted it out.

Yeah, you would have. The woman renting that vehicle, the 2016 Nissan, left to take the victim to Elkhart General Hospital for treatment of minor injuries from the glass. And police arrived at the Marion Street address where this all started. Officers met the woman with the woman renting the 2016 Nissan at the hospital. So the person who was injured and the rentee or renter, the file charges after they conducted an investigation into the fight.

A little over two hours later, so we're post 6 a.m., we are now definitely in a new day. The sun is coming up. Right. Zed is dead, as it were. It's time for bygones

to be bygones. That's right. Unless you're these people. Dan, you're like, guys, it's Sunday morning. It's a new day. It is a whole, I don't know if you've seen The Wire, but Sunday morning, everything. It's time for an acoustic indie rock song to start playing.

It's time for Felicity to realize that this didn't happen to her. Yes. Right. Exactly. She was a part of it. Let's get the facts straight. A little over two hours later, the woman left the hospital in the 2016 Nissan and went to the 7-Eleven convenience store.

In my opinion, you're asking for it. At the South Napanese Street and West Indiana Avenue. Again, I'm going to say it. We've said it before. I don't know why they put so many addresses and locations here. But if anyone wants to do a Dumb People Town walking tour, you can go. It's giving you your spot. And someone tweeted at us the picture that they were at the liquor store

where the guy knocked the other guy down and then waited at his house for him. I think it's also just because cops like to sound like a Mountain Goats album. I'm at 125 San Obispo, and my father's in the garage at 313 West Santa Monica Boulevard at 8 a.m. And the green veins in his temples are bulging as we go to the racetrack.

So overly specific. I'm gonna make it through this year. That's F. Ed Kildare. He put 20 on Miss Magnum P.I. for the trifecta. While there,

I feel like I have to He can make anything a song. I think I have to credit I believe that's Aaron McGathey, my ex-wife's observation is that geographic specificity is the mountain goat's bag of tricks.

Thank you. Credit received. So anyway, she heads to the 7-Eleven community store. Do you imagine she's just like, look, we've had a rough night. Hey. You got hit with shards of gas. You could have gotten out of the car. You didn't, and that's okay.

Just get a Slurpee and forget everything happened. Let's get a burrito that could kill us. I'll figure out the deal with the insurance on this Nissanissan let's just stop at a 7-eleven what could go wrong here well they're probably feeling like they're owed on a scratch off by the cosmos right exactly right let's get a lottery ticket we were it's deserve it we've earned it they get to the 7-eleven while, they encountered a group of people who had been involved with the earlier fight on Marion Street. What are the odds? Well, maybe they're good in this town.

Does it just start with the 7-Eleven? Yeah, is it the 1850s Missouri? Exactly. So, one 7-Eleven. But it is probably the place that's open. Right. Like, when you think about what's up. Six in the morning.

Yeah. Where are you going to go? Waffle House in there. Someone from the group punched the woman in the morning yeah where are you gonna go waffle house in there someone from the group punched the woman in the face oh come on then they stole the woman's rented 2016 nissan and an undisclosed amount of cash this nissan is gone this nissan what was stripped it's like the car from the nissan is like the ring of power. It's just fleeing her. Grab the ring, Nissan. Grab the Nissan, Frodo. She is not doing its bidding fast enough for the car, the dark soul.

Your Nissan has 17 hit points. This car was forged in a factory in Middle Earth, and it was done for the purpose of bringing about the end of man. The all-new Nissan Mordor. For the purpose of bringing about the end of man. The all new Nissan Mordor. It can only be unmade at the Ford plant in Flint, Michigan. It can't be destroyed. It can only be unmade.

One car to assault them all. It needs like two wizards. Like two separate wizards need to come together, battle over it, and then it gets destroyed. The woman located her car on the 500 block of West Franklin Street around 1.35 p.m. Sunday. So she went, what's that, seven hours? Seven hours after that. Officers processed her for evidence before allowing her to drive it from there. Imagine her returning this car rental. But like trying to do the thing that we all do.

You return, even if you know there's a couple scratches. This windshield was gone when I got it. Look on the sheet. They're going over the sheet. Yeah, they gone when I got it. Look on the sheet. They're going over the sheet. Yeah, they're going over the sheet. Look on the X. She walks in, tosses them the keys. Are we good?

Are we good? We're good. My ride's already out front. We're good? No arrests were made in either incident as Elkhart police continue to investigate. Okay, punch in the face, no arrest made. That's terrorist. What is this, the NBA in 1987?

What is happening? That is insane. It was supposed to just be like, it's like hell or high water. It's just like some tower. Jeff Bridges, the sheriff, is like, so let me guess, the McClintocks had something to do with it? That's it.

I figure out we're going to figure this out eventually. I'm going to lay out here on a porch and sleep until this case figures itself out. No need to push it along. Really? Just gonna lay out on a porch

and there's that whole scene in Hell or High Water where he's like gonna sleep out here tonight. Got myself a Mojave blanket. All the answers will come through that. The stars figure it out.

For some reason my Jeff Bridges police officer is also Stone Cold Steve Austin. The damn right, I don't know. I was like, when was Stone Cold Steve Austin in Come Hell? I've been deputized about 10 years ago. It is a Nissan incident if I've ever seen one. What? All right, story two down in the books. So happy we have

the great Dan Harmon with us. Stick around. Special voicemail coming up right after the break. I want to say, this story was made to have you on as a guest. Okay, this story is tailor-made for Dan Harmon. It is ridiculous. Don't stop listening to this podcast after two segments. There's one more. See you after the break.

Don't change your dial to another podcast on your radio dial. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Hey, if you're not listening to Harmontown uh subscribe to that you should be listening to that so all the people who have come to us you will if you like what we do you will really enjoy what he does on harmontown start with our episode then

work all around i dare say that harmontown is more than a podcast it's a community of people no pun intended uh just unintended yeah why not why not it's so it's just but actually and let that be the doorway into all the other Dan Harmon stuff you get into and you will not be disappointed

this is a I say genius and someone who we are lucky to be in by the way when we tell people we're at Feral Audio we're like

Harmon that's like the first thing we say we say you know they do Harmon Town and they do and My Favorite Murder My Favorite Murder those are two well no we tell both of those but like those are

things that we they were a big part both of those shows yeah yeah big part of us wanting to wanting to come here and be a part of this thing so well i'm proud of that i was proud when you guys came aboard i mean dustin uh marshall started uh feral audio like just doing handshakes and um you know making emotional promises to people that he admired and he he was my introduction to podcasting culture and uh and it was you know it's only recently became become like kind of legitimized in the form of like contracts and things with the artists and stuff and we were very very nervous about going corporate and and becoming the bad guy when dustin started as the good guy so we're proud of the fact that it's like structured in a way that that um brings everybody like it's very talent friendly network and it is one of the

most talent friendly places we've ever worked at we worked at a lot of different places so we are so happy we're here so that that being said, also we should mention just dates for us. We're going to be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival doing a live Dumb People Town. Still working on the guests right now, but that's going to be a blast. We're going to host the ping pong tournament there which is amazing and do a

bunch of other. We're doing the goddamn comedy jam. A bunch of things that we're doing there. So if you're going to be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival end of April, please see us. Then we're going to be in Kansas City city uh may 11th through the 13th doing the improv there never never done shows there well we did do the one show at the theater when we were coming through but never done shows there in kansas city and we're going to be doing a finding the funny so check that out uh any of your dates that you're doing live stuff or can see that where can people catch that i i i know that i'm going going to Portland to be part of this Livewire thing.

Fun. I saw it on Twitter. I don't know. Realize that's true. Yeah. You're like, wait, Twitter is telling me where I need to be. No, that... Can we tell this brief story?

Two-second story. No, no. Sorry, guys. This is where Twitter tells you where you need to be, and Twitter's wrong. Randy and I were... You know, we go out of town. We have little kids. It's sometimes hard for us to get up and do a lot of stand-up back in town and do shows after we've been out of town.

We like to give it a little bit of a break, be around our families. Well, it was a few days after we were in Portland. Randy looks on Twitter, and it mentioned that we were part of this show at the improv at 8 p.m. And I was like, did you book us on this show? He didn't. I didn't. Ian Carmel,on funchess uh us and amy miller like great lineup and i was like oh i guess we're doing this and i think i

talked to somebody but i couldn't remember so we were like okay so i go to tell my wife which i try to give some advance before i know but now it's like day of and your daughter has crew my daughter has crew she's throwing up all over the place all the time. And I'm like, I got to trump up whatever we're doing right now. She doesn't listen to this podcast, so I'm good here. Yeah, you're great. I was like, look, this is a big deal. We got to go here. This is an audition for the James Corden show.

So now, like, the James Corden show is a big deal. But it was like, this is a late night. People are going to come down and look at us for a late night. Whatever. I'm like trying to make this a big deal. I'm like, I can't miss it. We show up to the show. I feel terrible that I've lied.

And now we're showing up at the show. And we get to the improv. And they're like, what are you doing here? Why are you? And what are you doing here twice? Yeah, what are you both doing here? Why are both of you here? We said, we're on the show.

And they said, no, you're not. Well, the guys who host the show are two young comedians who's both, their last name is Jordan. Sean Jordan and Dax Jordan. And they host the show as the Sklart Brothers. What? And that, for us, we were totally flattered and touched. But some comedy promoting site read Sklart Brothers quickly, misread it, and put our names in there and said that we're on the show. Meanwhile, these guys were nervous that they were calling themselves the Sklarnt Brothers, that we would be mad.

So we showed up to their show and everybody thought, okay, a showdown is going to happen. What? What if something's going to happen on stage? And we went up there and we wound up telling the story about how we got there and we told them we have their blessing to do the show. And we had fun and we riffed around. We actually did some stand up. And then in that same moment, called our friend Jay Larson over at Meltdown and did a set over there. And then I came home just in time for my daughter to throw up all over me.

But the best part about it is that we're going to be doing the James Corden show next week. I'm just kidding. No one came to see us, but they booked us. Yeah, they got booked out. It's crazy. You put it out there. I know. It was just...

The moral of the story is do not... Yeah. A, lie to your wife, and B, don't trust Twitter to tell you where you're supposed to go. I'm so distracted

by the Sklarnt brothers, though. Isn't that fantastic? I mean... I'm not mad. I think it's actually great. I wasn't mad at all. I'll take that as a positive. I mean, either they hate you, I think it's actually great. I wasn't mad at all. I'll take that as a positive. I mean, either they hate you

or you guys are like household names. Both those things seem shocking to you. No, but it is true. No, I think that's what they're saying

that they aren't us and that is... Are they twins? No. People always say that they're brothers. They're both from Portland. They're great dudes.

They're good dudes and they're funny. And from our perspective, they were, we took it as an homage. Maybe we were wrong, but I took it as like. Yeah, you should.

You should, especially coming from them. You guys want to do another story? Let's do that. Before we do, really quick, I want to let everybody know

that Thursday, April 20th, doors open at 7. Tickets are only $10. I will be headlining in Houston at the Secret Group. You should do your podcast there at the Secret Group you should do your podcast there at the Secret Group

I'm going to tell you right now they're great dudes they're a great venue really cool and big comedy fans I love Andrew Young what city is it? this is Houston, Texas

and I will be there doing the 420 show doors open at 7 show starts at 8 tickets are only 10 bucks if you go to the Secret Group htx.com you can get tickets there

and I would love to see a whole bunch of fun podcast listeners there alright ready for this this was sent in by critically acclaimed at Anthony Salerno if I just

read you guys the first sentence I wouldn't need to read you anything else but guess what I'm gonna give me the first sentence. A Dallas? This was in, I'm going to read this to you. I'm sorry for all the buildup, but you're going to think that this was just like a blog.

This is in the Dallas News. Okay. Which I think is more or less a blog. I mean, you could, yeah. Well, it's dallasnews.com. I love having our guest Dallas News here with us. Dallas News does the weather does the weather here

Dallas News Mountain Storm all those guys Dallas News does the weather as you can tell he's typified by his bitterness

because he didn't want to be a weatherman he called himself fucking Dallas News no choice it's Dallas News we got a cold front coming in you know a cold front coming in.

You know, a cold front reminds me of that Nicaragua story. No, no, no. Oh, Dallas. All right, fuck it. Please, stick to the weather. All right, go back from the top. From the top. Get him over by the green screen again.

He's getting way too close. Too close to the prompt. And the final irony is that he's the Seattle weatherman. He couldn't even get a job in. But he's got a five-point plan to get him there. A Dallas evangelist told his followers that an anointed cake... We're already there. that an anointed cake baked by hookers turned a gay man straight.

This is what Donna Summer was singing about. Not only was this what Donna Summer was singing about in MacArthur Park, this is what Mike Pence honestly believes. I think in his heart of hearts, he's like, yeah, hookers bake a cake and then a gay man turns straight. Turns normal again. They anointed it. Or do we know that this guy has opinions about gay people or is he just saying, like, this is how good the cake is?

That's so good. Who made this? The hookers. Tammy? Yeah. Brandy? This cake turned a gay man's cake. It gave hands.

Wait, are you saying he did do it? No, no, no. Oh, God, no. I'm an advocate. I'm a progressive pastor. Progressive evangelist. I believe that it's not a choice. You think it's biological.

You are a Episcopalian. I'm just saying this is such good cake. The cake is that good. Wow. That's a tremendous endorsement for the cake. Forgive me. I'm sorry. I just realized that's a hot button way of saying cake is good.

But you'll forgive me when you Google me. You'll find out I used to say it in a racist way. Now I've changed. To me, does that involve having sex with the cake? And so then you're like, oh, this is what I'm into now, I guess. And then it's more reminiscent of a vagina? I don't know. I really am trying to take the steps.

Turn a gay man straight? Turn a gay man straight. Well, I think he just believes in witchcraft, this person. That makes a lot of sense. Most gay men, when I think about gay men in this town, are in great shape. They're not cake eaters. I'm going to say they eschew cake for a healthier... Oh, maybe he just made him eat so much cake that his...

He's out of shape and he's like, I can't return to the gay community. They expect results out there. Not to perpetuate a stereotype, but... I'm a ghost in this town. In Boys Town. I can't get arrested. It's just easier to turn straight than to get all this weight off. I just can't handle the ostracism

I'm going to receive from the gay community. The in-shape gay community. This is how dense this sentence is. We still haven't got to the hooker part or that it was anointed. What does that mean? By hookers, though.

That's blasphemy to imply that hookers can anoint something not to me right no of course they can sex worker friends the evangelist lance wall now w-a-l-l-n-a-u bills himself as a christian consultant whose website says he helped get president donald trump elected with his book god's's Chaos Candidate. I don't doubt that. I do not doubt that either. Wallnau has made a career out of his pronouncements, which have earned him more than 200,000 Facebook followers. That's a fact of the story I'd like to not have read.

That really tells you who is on Facebook. Right. More than anything else. One of Wallnau's most recent claims came about when he live streamed a video on Periscope in which he asked viewers for their prayer requests. One person asked for deliverance

for her quote homosexual son. I don't know why it had to be in quotes. That's when Wallnau Deliverance is kind of what made people homosexual.

When I think about deliverance that's what I think about. You don't want deliverance for your son. That's when Wallnau launched She just wanted it on Blu- son. That's when Wal now launched it. She just wanted it on Blu-ray.

She's just a supportive mom. I'm sorry. If you're gay and you're listening, that could be construed as being a little, but I just think it's funny. Work-play-wise, she just wanted a copy of Deliverance for her gay son. She's just a misguided mom.

She's like, why don't I get her a nice movie? By the way, I want to cry for that mom that wants to do that because she's just a misguided mom and she's like why don't I give her a nice movie by the way I want to like cry for that mom that wants to do that because she's trying the only way she knows how to relate to him she already got him

beaches she had three movies out of those thanks for everything Julie Newmar she just wants deliverance for her gay son

if you really think about it like that that's the most awesome generous gesture where do I find the movie deliverance for her autistic son Oh, she would. If you really think about it like that, that's the most... What if that's what she was asking? Where do I find the movie Deliverance? And for her autistic son, Transformers the movie. So from the 80s, she's just trying everything.

She's just trying. He's like a robot. I think he's like a robot movie. That's when Walnau launched into a rambling story he said he heard involving baking skills that helped deliver a gay and very adamantly anti-Christian bar owner. This is crazy,

he said. Now, I'm not saying this is going to work for you. I'm basically doing the same. You're making him kind of gay. We could,

well, Southern and effeminate. I could show you the video. This is how he sounds with earplugs and everything. The second time I'll say the phrase, a statistically defensible double standard. Yes. That's right. totally if this guy's got a little bit of a list he says now i'm not saying this is going to work for you but he's like a michael

waltrip character but that napa 55 did run good today all right uh but some i'm not saying this is going to work for you but some hookers in his bar got saved. First, a regular at the bar supposedly saved the prostitutes. Later, they whipped up a cake, which the reformed prostitutes prayed over. Quote, it was an anointed cake, and they made the cake and gave the cake as a gift. Wallnau said, then he went on to say, I know this is strange. The bar owner took a bite, and then boom, the power of God hit him. Wallnau said, things escalated very quickly from there this is like a modern day biblical so he's talking about like a magic cake yes out there in the world he's not saying made by hookers anointed by hookers so

she's calling him up and saying my son's gay what do i do what can be done and he's thinking first of all nothing but instead of accepting that... Right. There's a magic cake floating around. How are you at three-layer cakes? There's a real... This is a magic cake. This cake is... He's thinking it's out there. It's a biblical cake.

But it's going stale, right? Probably. You can't just make this cake again, right? I don't know. Maybe. He's saying to this person person there might be cake left. There might be a piece of cake left.

By the way, he's trying to give them the ingredients. Like you need a bar, you need some hookers. Here's what you do. Yeah, that's the thing is that I have a thing

where it's just as this bartender played the greatest trick in the world, he's just like, hey, no, I'm on your side. You know what really helped me is a nice big cake

made by hookers. Here's what you need to do. Go to Craigslist. It's called Casual Encounters. You're going to want to type women seeking women. That's what you want right there. Right in there. Baking skills a must.

Also help if you have been redeemed by the Lord and Savior. This guy in the ultimate Huck Finn prank has convinced the Christian community that you can save his soul by giving him cake and surrounding him by sex workers. Is there anything, like this should be the new season of Cake Boss. But this should be the new season of Cake Boss and think about like,

as a man, like is there anything better than like a big cake and a bunch of sex workers just hanging around you? I think that's heaven for a lot of people. Unless you're gay.

Yeah. It's a new program I've started called Let Them Eat Cake, where we bring in the homosexuals. It's called having your cake and eating it too, and that's it. We bake them. We bake them up some cake. Okay, so quickly, the regular at the bar who shepherded the domino effect in conversions allegedly led the bar owner to the Lord and baptized him. When he, this is a quote,

when he gets baptized, the guy gets delivered, and the spirit that was working in him got broken off, Wallnau said, insinuating that the bar owner was no longer gay. I'm telling you, it's a story. And that was his straight up... I'm telling you it's a story. He doesn't necessarily tell me that it's true. Isn't it?

You know? We all agree that that's a story. A beginning, a middle, and an end. It's got third act problems. I mean, did the bar close? Did someone get reincarnated as a dog?

Do we all have to do this? Are we going to die of diabetes and syphilis before we go to heaven? Who knows? He does that knowing Only the cake knows that knowing like face look to you now you tell me that ain't a story isn't it insane the fine line

between and i won't even say christian because you know we see you know and i hope i don't offend anybody but you see like the the the orthodox guys and the sealed in plastic bags on airplanes because they won't touch women and uh like like and and god knows islam you know it's not fashionable to go there but extreme forms of it just like extreme forms of christianity like like when you get really really religious you start to just become a witch you just become like a weird like everything that you would personally as a fundamentalist of any religion try and burn at the stake, you become. Yeah, you just talk exactly like those folks that don't even really exist, largely.

It shows that it's a cul-de-sac, and so you move closer to the point at which the other person is at. But when your basic form of living is a denial of every basic human need or human desire, then how can you be anything but that and it's it's like oh god you're so close you're so close to genuine actual organic salvation real spiritual atonement with the impersonal cosmos when you are willing to put your head in that lion's mouth so admitting that you do fear women and cake and gayness and like and I actually coping with it by having a ritual well that's a good thing it thing. It's not totally Christian,

and it shouldn't be used to solicit donations from people and things like that, but you personally, that's a good door for you to go through. Sure. Isn't it like that Hell House documentary where all these people gather together, and they're like, there's... Did you ever come see it at Acapulco's here?

No, no. So we did Hollywood Hell House where we basically did the script. A bunch of people basically did the exact words and the exact script that they had and we participated in it. But when you watch that documentary, from the very beginning of it, it's almost charming until they get into other people's faces. The way that they're just like, they get so excited. And the young girl's just like, they get so excited. And then like the young girls just like, oh, well,

oh, I have an idea. I'm going to be like a girl that's on ecstasy. And, and I go to a rave and I get molested, but I kind of like it. And I, well,

you know, great idea. Okay. Okay. And her, her name's Marjorie. And, and she wears this and this is how she got there.

And this is what, and it's just like, you're just, you're just doing this like crazy. I mean, like, what is such a fine line? There are people doing that, and it's just like, you're just, you're just doing this like crazy. I mean, like what is such a fine line? There are people doing that same thing,

uh, kid like that. Just, it's just called living their life. And they're like going to the places that frighten and scare them. And they're atoning with that stuff. And it's like, it's a shame to like bottle that up and think that it needs to involve like,

like not letting a dude be gay. Right. Exactly. Right. I just hope that kid looked at his mom and was like, Mom, I'm more of a pie. I like pie. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Oh my God, yeah. We haven't done the scene where the homosexual son is in his bedroom playing Minecraft and the mom comes in with a twinkle in her eye. Delivering the cake. I don't know if she has the cake yet. Confetti cake. She's just like coming in. She just got off the phone. We did it. She just she has the cake yet. Confetti cake. She's just like coming in.

She just got off the phone. We did it. She just got off the Skype session. We did it. Mom, I don't know. Come on. Come on. Just eat it.

Have a little bit. I'm playing Minecraft. I don't want to. Just listen to your mother and have a piece. Have a little bite. The dad. Yeah. I know you don't think being gay is a problem.

No, I told you it's difficult. It's getting me beaten up at school, and it's making me feel internally very conflicted. It's made me play more Minecraft, which is me building a world that I'd like to live in. No, but I want to, I'm telling you, I just got off the phone with someone that has a solution now. Let me finish.

You're going to want to cut me off like you always do. Let me finish. You're going to want to cut me off like you always do. Let me finish. Let me finish becomes her biography that she writes about. She writes a whole cooking book. Halfway through the following Sunday when he's covered in flour,

surrounded with high-spirited, half-naked women, rolling pins, and they're making a cake together and he's turning to his mom and going, I don't understand what you want from me

or for me. Like, what is, what part of my soul are you trying to say? She just says, now son, this is Cheyenne, Sonny,

and what was it? Was it? Was it Raylan? Okay, they are hookers. They've made you a cake. Right. Jeez. Just partake in it.

All right. Well, we actually have a voicemail. Yes. Before we wrap this up. Before we wrap things up. In the time that it took for us to do this final story. Oh, no. This is not Chris Christopherson again.

No, no, no. This is, although Chris Christopherson, God knows where he's at. But this is Stone Cold Steve Austin found out that we were doing that we were making fun of him. He is not happy. That's the last thing you want to do, Dan. There are two things in the world you don't do. You don't serve

an anointed hooker gay transforming cake to an actual gay kid and you don't piss off Stone Cold Steve Austin by doing an impression of him. Well, we did it. And he left us a voicemail, so take a listen. Oh, uh-huh. This is Stone Cold Steve Austin,

goddamn National Treasure World icon. First off, let me say, this voicemail's brought to you by Sherry's Berries. Get yourself some ducats and take care of that female or male in your life. What? That's what you need. Now, Sklar Brothers,

I hear you dropping the name Stone Cold Steve Austin coming out your mouth. Talk about me when I'm not around. Well, let me tell you something right now. For only three installments of 1995, you can get yourself flowers delivered to home all year round. That's Flowers 365. Enter in Austin at checkout, and they will take care of you real good. I'm down here at Algodones, California, getting ready to shoot the next season of Broken Skull Challenge. And if you want Broken Skull Challenge, you can go to CMT, Tuesdays, 10 p.m. Get me down there. We're finding the best athletes in the world.

The hell did I call y'all about? I don't know what it was. Oh, I do know. It was for Harry's. Get yourself some razors. Shave your head like I do. Make yourself good. Enter in Stunner at checkout.

Now, now that I got to that, I got to say this. I'm going to come down there. I'm going to open a can of Whoop-Ass up on you boys. But before I do that, order your own Whoop-Ass t-shirt at Stone Cold Steve Austin dot com. Just enter in Stone Cold Steve Austin dot com at checkout. That's right. It's Stone Cold Steve Austin dot com. And add the promo code.

It's Stone Cold Steve Austin dot com. All right. Austin out. Wow, that was a lotoke code, stavealston.com. All right, Alston out. Wow, that was a lot. First of all, I don't know. So many promos. How does he get more ads than our show? That's unbelievable, and that's just in a voicemail he's got more ads than us. We need better ad people.

And I kind of love that his promo code is the actual website. Maybe we need to start doing that, make the promo code the actual website. He's become more ad than man, though. I mean, it's like, how can he catch fish if he's bilging the boat the whole time? Dan, be careful. More ad than man. Be careful. Don't go after him.

Be careful or he'll call back and do nine more. He'll call back and do eight more commercials. Pre-rolls? Yes. That's what I say. More ad than man is also my favorite Rob Zabdi song of all time. He barely got around. He said he's going to open a can of whoop-ass on you guys.

He did say that. That's it. But first we have to buy whoop-ass t-shirts. And the promo code is StoneCoastOfAustin.com. I love it. Well, that's the show. And thank you, Dan Harmon, for coming and being a part of Dumb People Town. Thank you so much.

It was a blast. And we say to our listeners, go check out his stuff. And hopefully his listeners will come check if you're listening from Harmon Town. Come to Dumb People Town. Yeah, we're going to. Welcome to Dumb People Town. We're so happy that you're here. And we'll see you next week. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, come to dumb people town. We're so happy that you're here and we'll see you next week.