Dumb People Town - Dan Levy - Wand Police

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

This week Dan Levy comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story warns why you should hire the right people for the job. The second story involves a wand. The final story is about a dessert thief.

Skypains out now. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Levy. Dan Levy. Welcome to the show. Dan levy welcome dan levy dan levy damn it you're the dan levy of comedy you should say that i am the dan levy of comedy although you very hilariously said i just laughed out loud when i heard this the other night we were doing stand-up together dan van kirk with dan levy and uh he just invite me into our show into our conversation welcome to the show,

Dan. Hi, Dan. Dan Man Kirk's here. I don't know if you know this. We can't do Dumb People Town without Dan Man Kirk. I know we were waiting for you. He's here. He's here. He's arrived. Luckily, we were able to complain about stuff long enough. He's here. He's ready to get used to it. So he made it.

He said Dan Levy, his father is Eugene Levy, one of the great, you know, sketch comedy and comedic actors of all time. My father,

whose name is, I forget. Elliot Levy. Elliot Levy, which by the way, very close to Eugene Levy, okay? Elliot Levy

sold blenders. Blenders. And also smokes a lot of weed. All right. Yeah, and then he goes on Ancestry.com

and tries to connect my family to something important, and he has not succeeded. All he has found out is that you're more Jewish than you thought. Can you possibly be 102% Jewish? He's like, we have ancestors in Russia and Poland. I was like, oh, well,

Dad, you did it. We have ancestors that make their own matzah. You really uncovered it there, Dan. Dan's dad, Elliot. Anyway. That's so funny. You know the prostate surgery? We came up with that.

We are the origin of tits. You're making it more Jewish. All right. My great-great-grandfather was actually just a stomachache. That's what he was. That's what he was. So let me ask you. Do you think that because this is a segment-

Your great-great-grandma was a draft. So let me ask you, do you think that, because this is a segment. Your great-great-grandma was a draft. Here's my question, because this will lead into our show, is do you think all the weed that your dad smokes has made him dumber over time? Is he more like awakened, or is he just not as dumb? Does he need wisdom, or is he dumber? He cannot go anywhere without losing everything. And the weed's not helping. Every time he goes somewhere, he then has to go back to that place to find his wallet or phone.

That's my dad's life. The amount of people he said, I was just in here. Yeah, and he gets so mad always. Like, where did it go? I think you left it again. Back again. That one too. That old song.

Me again. So the world is That old song. Heidi Holm. Me again. Right. So the world is getting dumber, Dan Levy. I'm sure you understand this. Yes. We all see this every single episode of this show. So our fans send us like the dumbest stories ever. Okay.

At Daniel Van Kirk on Twitter. Hashtag dumb people town. That's the way he knows who did it first. Yeah. Let's jump into a story. Ready? Let's do it. Yeah.

This is perfect. Dan, are you a homeowner? I am. Okay. Great. All three of you a story. Ready? Let's do it. Dan, are you a homeowner? I am. Okay, great. All three of you will be able to speak to this. Okay. This was sent in by Derek Shipley, at Derek Shipley, D-E-R-I-C-K.

Has sent a great story. Derek might be the clubhouse leader in various ways to spell the same name. S-H-I-P. No, just Derek. Derek has so many different ways to spell Derek. D-E-R-I-C-K. D-E-R-I-P. No, just Derek. Derek has so many different ways to spell Derek. D-E-R-I-C-K. D-E-R-E-K.

We knew Derek Shushe. D-E-R-E-K. D-E-R-E-K. This is D-E-R-I-C-K. I know a guy named Dirk. Dirk. D-I-R-K. I have one of my best friends is named Dirk.

But he'll say, I'm Dirk. Like, I'm Dirk. Like, not Derek, Dirk. Oh, he goes Dirk. I have a D Derek, Dirk. Oh, he goes Dirk. I have a Dirk. Dirk and Dirk. How about D-Eric? Like, D-apostrophe Eric.

That's a cool one. That's an R&B singer. D-Eric King. D-Eric Holiday. D-Eric King? Was he a quarterback for a year? Maybe. Okay, here we go.

Ready? Sean King. Botched tree removal job destroys Bellevue home. So I believe... I'm already mad. I know. So this definitely came as a request from the neighbors. Like, you got to take that tree down.

You guys know the story of how I went to the neighborhood... I've probably told this on... I don't know if you've told it on... The neighborhood council meet, so... No, I would know. Oh, I went to one too. Oh, shit. On Zoom.

I went in person. Okay. Yeah, because you had flyers. So there was a dead tree at my neighbor who lives next door to me who let's just be honest is a fake Marine. And if someone said

he's got a mass grave in the backyard, your response would be, what the fuck are you kidding me? Wasn't Besser dealing with that for a while too? Mass graves next door? I feel like everyone has a neighbor who is just fully insane and a murderer. Your clopeck. Everybody has a clopeck.

Absolutely. And if you don't know that reference, go watch The Burbs and then come back to this show. Right. I understand. But there are other ways. He's married to a really nice woman, and she's interesting and cool. Easy. Easy.

Interesting and cool. Easy. Easy. Anyway, so they had a tree, like a dead eucalyptus tree, that if for some reason, and it could have fallen on their house, like branches have fallen on their house, and it could have eventually fallen on our house, it just needed to be removed.

It wasn't doing any good. Right. And it was dying, and slowly things were falling off it. So there's a whole thing you've got to go through just to get it removed. And we go to the neighborhood council to get them on board, to contact the city, to get it removed. Yeah.

So I go to this crazy, like neighborhood council meeting at, at Mitchell Terena school. It's in the auditorium. And like, there's all these people there. And like, you immediately see the politics of all the people on the dais so it's like the two older gay men who are throwing so much shade at the

black woman who's an actress that i recognize but i don't know what she's been in and like they're almost like a married couple the way they're throwing shade at each other like these guys have been on the council for so long so they don't want want to hear anything. So the issue comes up with the tree thing, and they give people who want to say something, and there's a bunch of neighbors there, who want to say something at the mic. They give them like 30 seconds to just say your piece in front of the thing, and that's it.

And there's a lot of people in the crowd, and I get up, and I'm last in this line of people. Of course, you're headlining. I'm headlining. All these people are opening for me. And I was like, and I got up there, and I don't know what came over me. I was like, I'm not going to make this funny, but I'm going to give the most heartfelt speech of all time. And I said, and I got up there.

About a dead tree. Yeah, about a dead tree. And I was like, for all of you, for all the people who are like, this tree has to stand. This tree needs to be here. This tree is a symbol of this. I said, look at these neighbors. Look at how many people are here to support our neighbor. And I should have said our crazy fake Marine neighbor.

But I have a mass grave in his backyard. No, no, no. Don't dig it up. Look at how many of us came to support this guy to remove this tree, which is a hazard in front of his house. That's the tree. That is the symbolic tree of this neighborhood, and that can never be removed, but you better

remove that one. And people clapped, and I just walked out of the auditorium. I was like, mic drop, see you bitches. Like it's Miller time at that point. You get out of there and get a drink. What did you do at your Zoom? I had a much different situation where I got onto the Zoom to kind of talk about just like safety in the neighborhood. And I quickly realized that everyone was very conservative.

And the answer was, we need guns. And I was like, oh, Jesus. I was like, I am out of the neighborhood. Out of my element. I am not here right now. And then I just went on video and I listened. And I was like, these people are terrible. And then it was so old.

They're like, when I moved here in 1920, we had spears. I was like, I got to get out of here. Get out of here. Good for you. Good for you. No city council involved in this. It might have helped if they were. A tree removal job went terribly wrong in Bellevue Monday, sending a Douglas fir tree

crashing down into a home in the Newport Hills neighborhood. The neighbor who owned the tree told K.I.R.O.7 he was hoping to get the tree cut down for free in exchange for wood. So, first of all. Wait. So, you're already striking a deal instead of doing this properly. Right, the sign.

You can get it. If you want it cheap, it's not going to be fast. Our uncle's print shop had three words on it. Three things. Fast, cheap, or good. Pick two. If it's fast and good, it's not going to be cheap. If it's fast and cheap, it's not going to be good.

If it's good and cheap, it's not going to be fast. So he went fast and cheap. He went fast and cheap. It's not going to be good. It's not going to be good. If it's good and cheap, it's not going to be good. So he went fast and cheap. He went fast and cheap. It's not going to be good. It's not going to be good. I had a friend, this happened, a tree fell on their house. And when a tree falls on houses, they absolutely destroy everything.

Like you think it's just going to like be in. We're going to get into it. But you think it's just like, oh, the bathroom is broken. It's like, no, no, the entire house needs to be taken down and built up with the tree. With the very tree that broke. So this guy was like, oh, I'll get this tree cut down and the person can have free wood. That's all you need.

Don't cut a corner while cutting down a tree. It ended with his neighbor's home getting destroyed. Oh my God. If it was your home, you could live with it because you're like, it's my mistake. I tried to cut a corner. Right. But now you've involved your neighbor.

No, the other way. What do you do? You got to pay for his home. Sarah Jacobson said she and her husband both work from home but she was running an errand when the incident happened monday before lunchtime i would have loved it if she would have been like we both work from home i mean i work a little harder than he does you know what i mean why is that a little jab in there about i don't know what he does back in the guest house why is that part i wake up at 9 and start working. He wakes up at 10.30. Whatever.

The tree ruined the house that I pay the mortgage for. With the extra work that I do. The tree sliced through the house, Jacobson said. It was shocking. For fun, I'm going to ask you guys to guess. How big of a tree do you think this was? How tall? I'm going to say a 40-foot tree.

Douglas fir. 60-feet tree. think this was how tall yeah okay i'm gonna say a 40 foot tree okay i'm gonna say 60 for douglas fir 60 feet tree okay yeah i don't know 60 is tall though 60 is tall 60 is really tall okay say 30 foot 30 foot 30 foot tree with a tree house in it the tree that also got ruined by another tree called the widow maker the tree was 140 feet tall. Oh, my God. That is a guillotine. And you got somebody who just wants wood to come do it. Like, go get firewood somewhere else. 100-foot tree. 140-foot tree.

Don't call your wife's cousin, Mike, who has, like, a lawn mowing service to do this. He got a chainsaw. You need professional tree cutters. That's like an army of people. Here's what it did. Oh, my God. Pictures of what it did to the house. If you want to cutters. Here's what it did. Pictures of what it did to the house. If you want to see pictures, follow us on social media. Holy crap.

Here's another one. Holy crap. You said it, Dan. It literally slides through everything. 140 feet of just structural damage. Imagine just the sound.

You'd feel it when it fell. You would feel it. Do you think if he was in a Zoom pitch meeting, he would stop? Is that somebody else's camera? Do you guys hear that? It's like a vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Is that a popping sound? Is that your side?

Let me reconnect my audio. Does anybody else hear 140 feet of history just crackling down on top of you? Hold on. I think my wife who hates me is dead. The tree smashed through the roof. We just had a habitat go through our house. And onto the furniture below in the living room. Jacobson said that's where she often works when she's home.

You know, I'm the one who does. I want to keep adding this. I was just promoted. said that's where she often works when she's home. You know, I'm the one who does that. I want to keep adding this. I was just promoted. Why does that matter with this story? Luckily, he was jerking off again on his computer, so he was there. Not working. He was in the bathroom. He was in another room when he heard the crash.

No, he was working. She's married to Jeffrey Toobin. It was really loud. And then just progressively as the tree settled, more and more was coming in. Then the rain and hail started coming through. Oh, my God. This happened right before a storm rolled into town. Hey, when should we cut this tree down?

Let's wait until the gray clouds start to roll in. Yeah. I don't think the heavy stuff is going to come down for at least an hour. Oh, my God. The company that was called in to get the tree out, Turning Leaf Tree Service, said the tree was nearly three feet in diameter at its

widest. That is enormous. The crew had to bring in a massive crane to get the tree removed from the house. Turning Leaf Tree Service is legit. They should have cut it down. They're making up for the mistake that her friend's cousin... Turning leaf tree service is legit. That broad end should have cut it down. Yes.

They're making up for the mistake that her friend's cousin. Here's the deal. The tree was on Jacobson's neighbor's property. That's the guy. The neighbor is the guy, and Jacob was the victim. He didn't want to speak on camera. That's the guy. Of course.

We'll call him Derek. Derek didn't want to speak on camera, but he told KI. Everyone to follow his YouTube channel. Yeah, right. on camera, but he told KIO Everyone to follow his YouTube channel. Yeah, right. He needed the tree removed because it frequently shed branches onto his roof. Yep, and that's really the worst thing.

It was a minor inconvenience. Minor inconvenience that I am now going to ruin these people's lives. He was hoping, this is Derek, he was hoping that the removal of his tree could be done for free and said he posted online asking for someone to do the job in exchange for the wood.

Hey, does anyone want to help me cut down a 140-foot tree? For wood? For wood. Who doesn't calculate where that's going to go? Well, that's the biggest thing. A lot of people don't understand the way a tree is going to break. Like how you cut it. They think that you break it this way, but they don't understand that if you look at

the branches, and I know nothing about this, that it's Like how you cut it. They think that you break it this way, but they don't understand that if you look at the branches, and I know nothing about this, that it's just because you cut it to the left, it's still going to fall to the right because of the weight of where the branches are. Also, I've watched people cut down trees because I have a lot of time. Yeah.

And I saw, they have like ropes and they go up there. So much. They do a lot of stuff. They start at the top. There's like five guys at a time. Yeah, yeah. They're swinging back and forth. They got bungee cords.

Yeah. You can't just go on Craigslist and have a time. Yeah, yeah. They're swinging back and forth. They got bungee cords. Yeah. You can't just go on Craigslist and have a guy shop down 140 foot tree for wood. Right. Wood and a hand job. Derek told KIR07, someone accepted, came by on Monday. Someone! And started doing the work despite the windy conditions. So it really was like, no, we're fine.

We're good. We're good. Guys, I need this wood. But how do you, like like that is so much wood the idea of 140 feet this is this is not my we're about to redo my favorite part of this story so this is the reason why it's in dumpy well i mean there's a lot but yes let's hear it like if this was a prompt to a sketch we would all write it in five minutes okay let's hear it the tree owner owner, Derek, who we named Derek, Derek said about 30 minutes into taking down the tree,

the person cutting the tree told him the situation was, quote, out of control and suggested he call in a full tree removal crew. 30 minutes in. This guy walks over, wiping his brow. He's like, hey, man, I still want the wood, but this is out of control. You promised me. Taking down a tree, doing any sort of yard work should never be out of control.

Taking down a tree is like raising a teenager. Okay? How? There's just a lot of danger involved. You feel like they're out of control? Someone is probably going to get hurt, and it very quickly gets out of control. If you don't know what you're doing, you're screwed. Hey, man, I tried chopping down a tree, but I broke both my arms with the axe. Right very quickly gets out of control. If you don't know what you're doing, you're screwed. Hey man, I tried chopping down the tree but I broke both my arms with the axe.

Things are out of control. I'm out. It was too late for Derek. The tree came crashing down onto the Jacobson's home. Half the house is completely destroyed, Jacobson said. All of it, based on Dan. If you've ever done what I'm about to read in your own home,

you're going to feel for this woman so much. We just finished a kitchen remodel. No. I think this is my friend. No. Stop. No. Stop.

The hell that people go through. Oh, my God. Rory's going through it right now. I went through it. You went through it. It's just all your stuff is in another room. Oh, my God. You're in a microwave and a hot plate.

And you're just- All your clothes are dusty. Imagine you finally get it done. So happy. And then a tree just cuts it out. We had just finished a full kitchen remodel and kind of remodeled in here. I don't know what room she was standing in. The room where she doesn't work.

Where my husband doesn't work. She said it wasn't clear yet if the rest of the home would be structurally sound enough to be saved or if the whole thing would need to be leveled. I bet it does. We're going to do another kitchen remodel. Jacobson said that the person cutting down the tree looked young, about college age. Problem tree specialist Mike Green.

Perfect name. That's a great job. Mike Green is your- Mike Green is a tree specialist. You got a guy- Do you want David Green Thumb or Mike Green? They should reboot Problem Child, the movie, reboot Problem Child. The movie has Problem Tree. Problem Tree.

Problem Tree. I'll watch that. Problem Tree 2. So people need to watch out for those who work without a license, aren't bonded, or have no insurance. If a customer doesn't check that, you can't work without it. It's not legal and it's not right. And you'll pay the price. You know what Mike Green's company is called?

Hitman Tree LLC. Which I guess is a play on them taking out trees. Yeah. Right? Yeah, you need a treat. A little too severe. I'm going to cut it off at the stump. I'm going to follow it.

He said, you should always check reviews and trust your gut. If the customer is going, oh, my God, if this doesn't work, it's going to ruin this or that, or you're feeling that way, you should stop it. You should say, stop, stop, stop, Mike Green said.acobson you couldn't just say one no no he's telling you how to do it i'm just thinking about how mad i get when my neighbor invites me to his improv show i can't imagine what happens when a tree goes to you because of his negligence oh my jacobson said nightmare they have to figure out where to live but she's grateful no one got hurt.

Nobody was impaled, so it's a miracle, Jacob said. Thoughts and prayers. Luckily, my husband doesn't work, so he's got lots of time to help us find a new house. The neighbor, why would she dig it in?

The neighbor, Derek, who owned the tree, said that the person who tried to cut it down does not have insurance and he doesn't know if the worker had a license. I'm going to go no.

No. On all of it. The college kids. Who wanted wood for the bonfire? Turning leaf tree service. College age, again, I have a near, I have a 17-year-old living in my house. I'm like, she's like, last night,

she's like, I'm going to go, I'm ushering this thing that I'm going to do this. These are all just plans that are now being told to me in the afternoon. And I'm like, well, do you have any dinner? She's like, no that I'm going to do this. These are all just plans that are now being told to me in the afternoon. And I'm like, well, do you have any dinner? She's like, no,

I'll just figure it out. I'm like, how are you going to figure it out? She's like, I'm going to sleep over at my friend's house. I'm like, do you have any clothes?

She's like, no, I'll just figure it out. I'm like, that is who cut down this tree. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, how are you going to get it out? I don't know.

You just put a saw to the lower thing. Chop it down. What. You just put a saw to the lower thing. Chop it down. What's wrong? Put a saw to the lower thing. It goes down the street. Just some college kid coming over just with an ax trying to cut down a tree. No thought.

I wouldn't let a college kid, like, babysit. No. Let alone chop a goddamn 140-foot tree down. We'll get out of here on this. Turning Leaf Tree Service said taking down the 140-foot tree should have been a five- or six-person job. Yeah, with the bungees, ropes, all of it. With a price of how much? Approximately how much money do you think it should have?

Now, remember, he wanted to do it, the price being, give me that firewood. He's going to have to buy them a new house. I mean, he's going to have to pay for the house. His home insurance should cover it. It'll take five years to get the money, and it's going to take like five years to get the money. And it's going to be a nightmare. I bet you it would have cost like $18,000 to do that. To take down a 140-foot tree?

I think so. Wow. Okay. That's a lot. I would say like $6,000. Okay. I was going to say like $4,000. I'm thinking of like three days of work.

Okay. All right. Approximately, the amount of money that it should cost a five- or six-person job to take down a 140-foot tree, we'll leave story one here, is $3,500. Oh! There you go, man. Maybe you go to a nicer tree removal guy.

When was this written? There's inflation. No, I know. In the 40s. Supply chain. So, all right, that's crazy. And you just, it's just a stupid story

you could see coming from a mile away. Like, there are the dumb things that happen in this world that, like, we don't have time to adjust to them. This was like we could see it coming from a, the second he places the ad in the thing, this is a dumb ad. This is like, this could ruin your life. Yeah, it did. Because, like, it takes so long to get the insurance, to okay everything, and then you have to do a whole new reno, which is a full year of your life. You get the insurance, so okay, everything. And then you have to do a whole new reno, which is a full year of your life.

Well, imagine what if your home insurance is like you voided your policy when you hired a non-licensed and bonded person to do your work. Then this person gets sued. Yeah, and then there's a giant lawsuit. You're next to the person. And you're covered in dust. Yeah. And your husband's not working. Oh, my God. He hasn't done a damn thing.

All these things are terrible. All right, that is story one. When we come back, we're going to find out what Dan Levy is doing, where you can see him doing stand-up, where you can follow him, and all that great stuff. He's just one of the best. We'll be right back. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get into all of Dan Levy's stuff, Dan Van Kirk, any fun things? Hey, if you're in Des Moines, Iowa. Yeah. Is this going to be before the 18th? Is this that week?

I think it might actually be that week. Yeah, it might be that week. Yes, I think this will drop on the 14th. Yeah. So this Saturday, I am hosting the Red Bull Soapbox Challenge in Des Moines, Iowa. Oh, baby. I did that. You did it?

Yeah. You hosted? We'll talk about it. I want to talk to you after we're done with this one. I hosted Flutog. Oh, you did a Flutog. So I got 50 teams of people racing little carts down a hill into bales of hay. I cannot wait.

It's going to be so much fun. You said there might be 30,000 people. Yeah. It's insane. It's totally crazy. Oh, my God. And you watch people just tear ACLs all down. Oh, this would be sad.

Dan, you're going to be so good at this. You're going to be so good at this. You know what they have? I haven't met her yet, but they have someone who's like a pro. She covers like Olympic stuff. She's your color commentator. Yes. And Alyssa and I were talking yesterday.

She's like, you get to be Fred Willard. That's right. You get to ask all the questions. I'm just like, yeah. Why would he do that? Well, I'll tell you, Dan. You're also going to get so much Red Bull. I got so much Red Bull that I was basically shaking for years.

Dan at the end of that competition. Gives you wings and anxiety. All right, guys, we got one more. One more. Well, I mean, when you combine that with the Coke. Oh, God. Dan. They said, do you want to go to a pit crew?

I'm like, I want to meet every team. I want every ounce of this. Because that's just more for me to say when they're all racing. Shoot all of it on your phone and clip that off. It'll be so good. So go to Des Moines, Iowa. Go to RedBull.com to figure out all the details for that. All the teams are locked in, but that doesn't mean you still can't come and have fun and watch all these crazy people with me.

Watch Dan cover it. And then something really fun. I don't know if I announced it yet. If I didn't, we're recording this a little bit in advance. I'll drop an ad in to say the details. But look for me to do new dates the third or last weekend in August. Be doing some stuff around the south, and then I'll be doing the west coast stuff, and hopefully here in L.A.

All that stuff is there. And the really fun thing that I want to tell people, a new thing I've started doing in my sets, is I open the show. I come out first and welcome everybody to the show, to doing my sets is I open the show. I come out first and welcome everybody to the show, and I invite our townies and my pen pals listeners to either bring a letter or bring a headline, and I'm going to say hi to everybody,

and you guys read a dumb people headline, and then I'm just going to goof around with you a little bit. So if you want to come out and say hello and even be a little bit a part of the show up top and then see me do an hour at the end of it, it's great. So go to DanielVanKirk.com and get your Hub City cookies because you deserve it. I love it.

All right, we can say that for us, our Ann Arbor date, which we were supposed to do the weekend of like the 9th, 10th, or 10th, 11th... Is shifting. Is shifting because that is now... Hawaii weekend? Because it's now a night game, and we're not going to do... Oh, they moved it.

They just announced that it's a night game for the Michigan Wolverines. So we'll probably do Maryland, hopefully, at the end of that month. So end of September. We'll let you guys know what that is. And then we've got – When you say Maryland, them – Playing Maryland in Ann Arbor.

We're working on live Dumb People Town days. So we have a potential day, and I'm just saying that we're going to do a live Dumb People Town on Thursday, October the 13th in Nashville. Very excited about that. That's exciting. Pencil that. Pencil that. It's called The Analog is the name of the place. In the Hutton, which is like a hotel.

In the Analog, there's a great room there. So we are very excited about that. That'll be so much fun. And we're going to try and put together maybe a show in Chicago. The next night. We're picking the venue the next night. And then we're going to really talk to the Bell House and potentially do that in New York on that Sunday night. So that's what we're trying to put together.

Pencil it in. We'll let you know when to get out your pens. All that is happening. And for us, we just hosted the TV Critics Award as this drops like a couple nights ago. And I'm sure you crushed because you always do. Which was super fun in a futuristic sort of a way. And what else, Jay?

Nosebleeds is coming out. We're very excited. Yeah, our show on the UFC is coming out this summer. This summer, so we'll give you all the details on that. Dan Levy, what's up? How can people follow you and just consume all your stuff? Support me. I'm really only really active on Instagram,

at Dan Levy Show. Great. All that kind of stuff. And I'm joining the John Mulaney Tour this summer, so I will be doing all those dates with him. Mass Square Garden, June 24th. Insane! And just all these really fun shows.

That is crazy! You know Seton Smith? Yeah, he's awesome. Seton's been like, it's unreal. Yeah, he hosts all of them, and I'm jumping on for June, July, and August, and we're going to all these really fun places. I mean, what do you do, like 15, 20?

Yeah, 15, 20. Yeah. Amazing! In front of like 12,000 people? Yeah. Is it insane? You were at Red Rocks. You were telling us about Red Rocks.

Yeah, we did Red Rocks and the Berkeley Theater. Wow. The Greek. The Greek in Berkeley. The Greek in Berkeley, yeah. And the Hollywood Bowl and the Forum in LA, which was at a good time. Did you wear a tux? I wore a tux, yeah.

You did? Steve was saying, he's like, I'm going to get a tux. Damn, baby. That's so cool. Your bit, and I don't want to give anything away, but your bit about loving gossip. We were just quoting it. It's so funny, you're unabashed joy of it. So what Randy and I were saying is it's very rare when this happens in stand-up, and this is why I love that. It is both a premise and a punchline all in one.

You set up what you're about to then go do, which is so funny. But the setup is so funny in just the simplicity. It's such a great character joke. It's a great personal thing. I understand everything I need to know about you because of the work. In less than 20 works. It's all of it. And I'm like, this guy, I get him.

I understand his relationship with his wife because of it. It's so good. Oh, it's so good. Look, if you want to go see Dan. Yeah, go see John Mulaney, and then it's a chance to see Dan Levy. It's just fantastic. And I'm sure you'll put that, you'll put out on your Instagram when you're going to be. Yeah, exactly.

I'll do. Posting all of it. You guys want to do a story? Let's do another one. Okay. It was sent in by Greg Quinn at Cinematic Homes. Which I guess, movie theaters? Maybe.

In people's homes? Maybe films in people's homes? This story's dumb. Man, here's the headline. Man used wizard wand to threaten Bloomington hotel worker. Is this about my son? Maybe. I don't know. So Bloomington, Indiana?

Or Illinois? Or Illinois. There's probably a lot of them, right? So he used a wand. Is the wand in the sense of I'm going to shove this up your asshole? No, it's like- Or he's going to make him disappear. Spectrum Patronus.

Boom. Yeah. Good job. Is he a magician? Or is this just like a guy who's obsessed with wizardry? Wizard wand. I think a little bit of the latter. Wait a minute.

Magician wand and wizard wand are two different things. Because a wizard wand is like kind of a stick that has like. It's a branch. Okay, wand police. Like in Willow. The wand police. Magician's wand is black in the middle, white on the ends. It's like Dan's tuxedo.

That would be the worst version of that cop show. Just wand police. Just breaking in the magic castle every episode yeah guys throwing magicians on the floor get a man without shirts on he disappeared again where did he go like a harry potter a harry potter version of cops and they're like there's like a wizard running with his shirt off with his just a wand in his hand. It's like Wellington. A man has been charged after he pulled out a wizard wand and pointed it at a Bloomington Hotel employee. Wherever KSTP is, that's where this is. I don't know.

Why does this give me chills? Skyler Thomas. It's Sklar. It's pronounced Sklar Thomas. How many times do we get that all the time? Skyler Brothers. It's not Levy. It's Daniel.

Skyler Thomas is charged with fifth degree assault. With a wand? I think that must go low, right? Fifth degree? First degree murder is the worst. Right. So third degree burns are the worst. First degree black belt is the best.

Fifth degree assault has just got to be a light tap on the wrist. Yeah, like you sneezed on somebody. I feel like they had to make that up for this case. The cops got there and they're like, let's go through the book. Is there anything with wands? Is there anything worth it? Guys, we go up to fourth degree. Let's just add one for this shit. Let's make it fifth.

For wands. Fifth degree assault and trespassing, both misdemeanors. So yeah, it's got to be nothing. Nothing. Fifth degree assault. I want to go to that trial. That's the jury duty I want to get, right? That's the one you want to sign up for.

That's the one I won't reject. That's the one I am. Fifth degree assault is when you walk behind someone at a busy restaurant and just tap them just so they know you're there. And they're like, fifth degree assault, buddy. You got me. Both misdemeanors in connection with the incident. Bloomington police were called to the Hyatt Place Hotel on International Drive. I will say, sometimes people working at the hotels,

the receptions, they could be a little bit annoying. Yes. So I understand pulling a wand on them. You understand wanding someone. It's so annoying when you're like, do you have toothpaste? And like, yeah, $9. Cadabra, cadabra.

Is my wand you? And it probably preceded that with, don't make me get my wand. And he just starts to on you. And it probably preceded that with, don't make me get my wand. And he just starts to read you. Pulls back his duster because he is wearing a duster. To reveal the top of the wand. If you don't upgrade me to a worse room, I'm going to take my wand out. He's like, no, I don't think that's a good idea.

And he pulls back his jacket and there's just a tiny crystal on a crooked stick. The light catches it and gleams off it. But is this a Hyatt Hotel, Dan? A Hyatt Place. Just a tiny crystal on a crooked stick. The light catches it and gleans off it. But is this a Hyatt Hotel, Dan? A Hyatt Place. Place Hotel. What is that? That place is like the Marriott Courtyard of Hyatt.

Excuse me. I'm looking for a stale croissant. We don't have that right now. Don't make me get my... It took place on International Drive around 12, 12 a.m. Oh, wow. Around it. A very specific time. This was a drunk wizard.

Make a wish. Make a wish right here. Around 12, 12 p.m., your next line should be, can you be more specific? Exactly. A hotel employee told police that Skyler Thomas, who'd been issued a trespass notice in November, that prohibits him from coming into the hotel until next November, walked into the hotel. He'll be gone until November. He'll be gone until November.

Walked into the hotel. Well, not as long because he's gone until November. Well, he wasn't. That was the problem. He walked into the hotel, and he reached into a bowl of used room keys. Why is that even there? Why is that even there? Because Sigourney Weaver was there. It was the ice storm. Reached into a bowl of used room keys. Why is that even there? Why is that even there? Because Sigourney Weaver was there.

It was the ice storm. Reaching into a bowl of used room keys. Used room keys is the most disgusting sentence I've ever heard, and it's not even that gross. Wash your hands! It also makes me think of people, when you go to leave a hotel and you see people in line to check out. What are you doing? Just leave.

Drop it in the bowl. Where did you get chlamydia from? Put my hand in the bowl of used room keys. If you wait to check out, and then you go, how can I help you? I just wanted to check out. They go, thanks. Okay, thank you for your time. Have a great day. Yeah, you can throw away

things. Thanks for that totally unnecessary. Why would you not wash your hands? Did you charge anything to the room that you need to now give us a card for because you don't want it on the same card that you paid for the room? No. Didn't even buy anything. Do you want a receipt? No.

Did you masturbate everywhere? Yes. But I'm leaving. But you should have washed your hands between touching the use room keys and masturbating. That's your problem. They just know that everyone there is masturbating constantly. He's like, I'm masturbating right now at this desk. Welcome to the Hyatt.

Everyone violently masturbates. Leave your keys in the jerk off. The criminal complaint states that the employee asked Thomas to leave several times, and Thomas started verbally assaulting the employee. As the employee followed Thomas out of the hotel, so that's kind of the deal, let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Thomas allegedly, not that I'm saying he shouldn't get in trouble, but don't like continue.

Don't escalate the fight. As the employee followed Thomas out of the hotel, Thomas allegedly pulled a wand that the employee thought was a long knife. Yeah. In response, the employee who has a conceal and carry permit pulled a gun and pointed it at Thomas. I mean, you brought a wand to a gunfight. Right.

And obviously, we don't like any sort of gunplay on Dumpy Little Town. However, if you are working overnight at a hotel and you are your own security, and I don't know the type of hotel it is, you may need – there are places where security is required to have some sort of fire on them. That's all right. Maybe in this case it was a good call. I would say unloaded. And I don't know all the gun rules, but I do think you are allowed to shoot at people with wands.

That is right. Well, Thomas needs to run. The complaint goes on to say that Thomas kicked over a garbage can and then started walking away. So at least it's a responsible gun owner. Oh, yeah? What is he, a raccoon? Before turning again and pointing the wand at the employee. Eventually, Thomas walking away. So at least it's a responsible gunner. Oh, yeah? What is he, a raccoon? Before turning again and pointing the wand at the employee.

Eventually, Thomas ran away. So you point the wand the second time. So he didn't really assault him. And he's also stalking the hotel, it seems like. He's got something with the hotel. That's something that's going on. He's really into that bowl of used keys. I'll put a headstone in.

Which is still weird. Yeah, he's coming in. He's doing some sort of... A witness confirmed the employee's story. Investigators noted that the wand was... It's not like if you get your room key selected out of the bowl, you get a free night. It's not like the bowl of business cards.

Not the bowl of business cards at a restaurant. I wish it was, though. It should be. I'm going to let you guys guess the length of the wand. But before you do that, I just want to let you know the longest wand in the wizarding world actually belongs to Professor Gilderoy Lockhart. Sure. The Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher in Harry Potter's second year at Hogwarts.

Yeah. Which makes total sense. When he was a sophomore. Because he's that kind of a guy. This is the conversation you have with the police. Guys, I... And the police are like, just shut up. Just please leave.

So Professor Gilderoy has the largest wand in the wizarding world at 17 and a half inches. Careful. Fully erect. Harry Potter's wand, I think, is like 13 and a quarter. By the way, I don't want to be that guy, but it is not the length of the wand. It is the smell of the spell. It's the top. It's the crystal at the top.

It is the crystal at the top. the spell. It's the top. It's the crystal at the top. How long do you think Skylar Thomas' wand is? A foot. A foot? 12 inches? Damn. Foot soaking wet.

That's an average sized wand in the wizarding world. Yeah, I'm thinking this guy doesn't have the best wand based on what I know about him. I'll have the medium. Jay? I say he has a boy's medium wand. I'm going to say it's nine inches.

Nine. So I think it's a little smaller because if the guy thought it was a knife, it should be. Well, he said a long knife. A long, oh. I have to be, I can't let you think incorrectly. All right, so I'll go higher. I'll go 14 inches. 14 inches.

Okay. Okay. The wand was about 16 inches. Well done, Rand I'll go higher. I'll go 14 inches. 14 inches. Okay. The wand was about 16 inches. Well done, Rand. Okay. Wow. Tipping the scales there. With a long, hard metal point at the end.

That was probably where the jewelry was. Easy, Dan. Careful, Dan. Don't bring this to Red Bull. It looks like a knife. Gleamy tip. If convicted, Thomas could face up to 180 days behind bars. Jesus.

A fine of $2,000 for both. We will get out of here on this before we go to a little fun Patreon time, as well as our final story after that. How old is Skyler Thomas? Oh. How old is Skyler Thomas? Here's what you know. He likes a bowl full of keys.

He can't stay away from the hotel. He's got a 16-inch wand. And he verbally assaults people. Not afraid to whip it out. Kicks a garbage can when he's mad. Okay. I'm going to say he's 47.

47. So I'm going older too in my mind. Like I'm just imagining Jay. Are you checking out this hotel, ma'am? Yes.

Misheard. Is there anything we need to know about the room? You took a shit on the bed? Good. Okay. Just leave your key in the key bowl.

I'm going to say he's 58. 58? Yeah. Oh, wow. I mean, I'll just for the sake. Because the threat is real. When an adult older guy has like a kid's toy, that's a threat. I think he's 31.

31? He's going to learn from his mistakes. Okay. Rango in the lowest. I feel like you guys, I thought you guys were all going to guess low because of Skyler Thomas. Skyler is a young dude. But it's 12-12. Right.

It's all in his name. It's 12-12. Approximately. Here we go. Ready? Get your answers in, Townies, wherever you may be. Because Skyler Thomas is 29 years old. Oh, yeah.

He's returning. His future is not bright. Or he just takes that wand Wherever he goes Not unless he yells out luminous If I told you there's a new show on the Sci-Fi Network Called Skyler Thomas Wand Justice You'd be like yeah I auditioned for that

We didn't get that We had to audition against each other That was so weird Give us a taste of what we're going to see in story number three We didn't get that. We had to audition against each other. That was so weird. Why wouldn't they just write roles for us? Give us a taste of what we're going to see in story number three. Oh, shirtless Florida guy who wants dessert. Perfect. My father-in-law.

And thank you. And for our Patreon fans, we asked Dan Levy to think about some of the dumbest things that he's... He then turned to his wife and said, do I have any dumb stories? And she was like... She's still laughing. That was three hours ago. So we're going to get into one of those

with Dan Levy on our Patreon. This is Dumb People Town. We got one more segment. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel,

take us home. Ready? This is sent in by Michael Gromek at Mike Movie SnieSnob. That's great. I know. To me, a Gromek is a movie snob.

You know, like the noise. That is such a Chicago name. Any more last name Gromek always has this sentence. I just, the movie fell apart in the third half. Hey, you play football with a guy named Mike Gromek? Yeah, Mike. Is that that?-handed kid? Him and I went to the same grade school, and he transferred over to Holy Cross.

He's that left-handed kid? Now he's into movies. Mike Gromick. He's always scrambling. Going movies now. Do you feel like you could hear Mel Kiper yell Mike Gromick? Yeah. Mike Gromick.

Yeah. Best on the board. Best on the board, Mike Gromick. Okay. Shirtless Florida man accused of breaking into restaurant to steal desserts. Dan, are we going to define the restaurant? What is the restaurant? Yes, it's down here.

Well, this took place in Tampa, right? It took place in Lake County, Florida. Is that near Tampa? I don't know. It just seems like a Tampa story. It does seem like a Tampa story. But, I mean, if you're going to now do the same, I know it's, if you're going to sit down and eat, no shirt, no shoes, no service. Right.

Sure. If you're breaking in to steal something, you can't be sure. Come as you are. Come as you are. It don't matter. Also, he's not even, to me, the dumb part of the story. This is a quick little fun third story. But he's not even the dumb thing to me because he's just hungry.

And I can sympathize with that, and I get that. It's the other people. Also, Red Wing Restaurant looks wild. Do you have a yelp review for red wing but also real quick has anyone ever been around broken glass before yeah it goes everywhere everywhere so that means he's eating a dessert full of glass that's right yes so that glass sandwich a glass sandwich and he sees the broken glasses is half full. Good food. Whenever he breaks in. Oh, my God.

The first review here. It's here. The first review. My love language. Good food and great service in a cabin-like atmosphere. Dan, you're in. You won this, Dan. That's your jam.

Dan loves a good cabin style. He has a Wisconsin cabin that we've slept in. Yeah. And we did a podcast in. We did. Delicious steak and bourbon shrimp with tasty veggies. I don't know if I'd put bourbon on shrimp. Does that feel like a...

556 reviews. What do you think their score is out of five stars? Oh, they have five stars for sure. Okay. 4.8. Okay. 4.975. 4.4.

Oh. A couple of haters. Well, sometimes there's glass in the food. Not enough to deter you. I am not a big fan glass in the food. Not enough to deter you. I am not a big fan of their glass Caesar. Not enough to deter you. How are their glass noodles? They're pretty good.

Facebook gives them a 4.7. TripAdvisor, 4.5. Yelp, a solid 4. You'd go to a 4, right? You know what's funny? I never go on Yelp. Can you believe that? I'm not a yelp person

i don't care what is your one what is your like let's find a bar around here just google maps i just google and it's got about a restaurant in a new city you're going to be on tour with john you're like let me find out a good restaurant i don't know i just text someone who lives there i go what's the place to go they go here i go that's what else is good that's smart that's the way to tick like hashtag the where you are in food or whatever, and you can find all these great restaurants. I do Eater. Eater whatever. Yeah.

E-A-T-E-R. E-A-T-E-R-T-R? I don't even know. I think you're E-R. E-R. And they're just like, I'm like, what's the 10 best restaurants? Well, Lake County deputy said a shirtless Florida man broke into a closed restaurant Thursday and helped himself to some desserts.

I can get behind this. He's not trying to put him out of business. He's not trying to hurt anyone. He may not have broken glass either. He might have just picked a lock. Deputy said the security camera showed John Castor burglarizing the Red Wing restaurant in Groveland. And what did he get?

Castor had a small dog in a backpack. Small dog in a backpack? Like the dog was out just kind of hanging out? Yeah, probably out of the backpack. Did the dog was out, just kind of hanging out? Yeah, probably out of the backpack. In his backpack. Did the dog eat some dessert too? I hope so. It's a dog-eat-dog world.

Kester had a small dog in the backpack. Did he get a doggy bag? For the doggy. As he ate a cobbler dessert out of a pan. I mean, doesn't that sound right? Cobbler out of a pan? In a cabin-themed restaurant? Dan, in a cabin-like setting, cobbler out of a pan?

Pan cobbler? I'm actually, I'm for this guy. I think he's having a great day. And this is where. He's living his best life. You were worried about. Get the dog in here, break into a restaurant, a little pan cobbler. You were worried about glass.

This is where I'm a little on the owner. The restaurant's owner told police, Castor broke through the restaurant through a back porch screen. A screen? If that is your defense for your entire restaurant. A screen. Screened in porch. But how many people are breaking into the cabin restaurant to eat pastries?

Just really one guy. They knew how good that cobbler was. The pan cobbler? We're not talking about just regular cobbler. And just a screen between him and that cobbler? I mean, you can't put a screen between the public and that cobbler. The dog broke in. It was the dog.

The dog got in. Could be. He probably took the backpack and threw the dog in through the screen. No, the dog threw the book bag. Okay. Deputy said Castor. Book bag. That's what I call it.

Book bag. Deputy said Castor left the restaurant on a bicycle before being arrested. Officials said that while searching Castor, they found a stainless steel pan filled with cobbler. Dan, did he feed the dog a little bit of the cobbler? You want some cobbler? Dan, did he feed the dog a little bit of the cobbler? You want some cobbler? You like it? You want some?

They weren't sure it was him, but he had blueberry sauce all over his face. Dan, him continuing. You like some? You want some? You want it? You like it, right? It's good, right? The dog is not answering.

He's a guy who talks to his dog in questions a lot. But it's all kind of rhetorical, too. He was having a long conversation with his dog, which is why he got caught. If he was in and out of it, fine. And it's kind of fruit forward, isn't it? Have the conversation with your dog after you bike away from the school. Caster went full on. I've seen you guys have times where you'll have a little

snack, and then other times I've seen you and you're like, we are snacking it up right now. Scooping up just massive amounts of snack. They found a stainless steel pan filled with cobbler, a lava cake, and a large tub of vanilla ice cream. Dude, this guy was living. It's dessert time. This guy got diabetes at the restaurant.

Don't you hope he leaves a review? Yeah, he's like, I love this place. Everything was free, but I'm missing a foot now. I come for the desserts. Deputy said Caster had been arrested before, so they knew him. The items stolen from the restaurant were worth how much? Then we'll leave on this. So here's what you know.

He's got a stainless steel pan filled with cobbler, a lava cake, and a large tub of vanilla ice cream. He took all three. How much does the owner think that stuff is valued at? Would you think he was eating it on the bike while he was going to? Oh, my God. That would be amazing. At least the cake.

I like the idea of a guy eating cobbler on a bike with a dog in the back. Pan on the handlebars. Handlebars. In a basket. Dan, you can go last if you want. No, I think like all in 60 bucks. 60 bucks. Yeah, that's actually a pretty good guess.

I think it's a whole big tub of the vanilla ice cream. Yeah, that might be. That could be like 28 bucks on its own. I'm going to say like $39. Okay. I think it's 108 bucks. 108 bucks? Yeah. But the screen door. Oh, it's $108. $108? But the screen door.

Oh, yeah. The screen door. It doesn't even include the screen door. The items stolen from the restaurant were worth how much? And you've got to factor in the pan. The pan itself, too. Do you want to change, Jay? Yeah, let me go to like $72. Okay.

The items stolen from the restaurant. We'll get out of here on this. Dan, thanks so much. Yeah, Dan. Go see him. Dan Levy Show. Dan Levy Show on Instagram. Follow him. Yes, out of here on this Dan thanks so much go see him Dan Levy Show Dan Levy Show on Instagram

follow him yes thank you so much thank you so much valued at $200 whoa that's some good lava cake

that's some good lava cake that's a fancy that's a fancy cobbler I love reacting to it did he bake the lava cake like

cause a cold lava cake that's not like lava iced sure yeah that's the thing you come to the restaurant, they're like, you gotta order it now. You gotta know what you want after dinner now. We need so much time. We need so much time to lava. We gotta move people around. I gotta bring in a lava cake guy.

Yeah, I gotta call him. Dan Levy's gonna order one from the wrong place and send it somewhere else, then we gotta bring this guy here. It's like getting a massage at a bad hotel. we're gonna need 24 hours for this we need cause then you're

gonna have to work out the kinks afterwards alright there you go there you go that is it Dumb People Town with the great Dan Levy I mean he sat

in several writers rooms in his wonderful and glorious career you know we describe this as like all the shit you do before you sit down and go to work

yeah it's true so at the end of every episode we always say oh shit we gotta get back to work we do go to work. that's true. So at the end of every episode, we always say, oh shit, we got to get back to work.

We do. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,

dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,

dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,

dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,

dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,

dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,

dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,

dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, down, it's Dumb People Town.