Dumb People Town - Dana Gould - Drake's Erotic Watch

Episode Date: February 2, 2021

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Gould. Danaana gould welcome to the show you mad genius you how are you i'm lovely how are you you're good we're small talking with you ahead of time about how every january we hang out at sketch fest maybe we'll leave that in i spent more time in an oakland airport with you than anybody else that's probably true that's probably true oakland of Burbank, baby.

That's our, that's our jam. As I like to call Oakland, the city by the bay. Yeah, I want to use that. I'm going to use that. Yeah.

Yeah. We always hang out at, I like to call Oakland the, the city that occasionally sleeps. Can we do that? You can do it. All right. Solid. The city that sleeps just fine yeah it's all right

it's pretty good okay it's kind of comfortable uh so uh dana i have to ask you in this crazy world that we've sort of we've gone through and now we feel like we're coming out on maybe another side but in all this time in the last nine 10 months, do you feel like the world has gotten dumber? Yes. That was even a nice hesitation. I honestly think the, uh, the, I would describe January 6, 2021 as an orgasm of idiocy. Yeah. Where they quite literally were going to overthrow a government, didn't have a plan for once they got inside. Like their hero when they ran for president. Sure. had they succeeded

yeah had they succeeded they would have been the dog that caught the car yes right yeah i can't hold keys with this yeah what do you do with it i mean it is kind of amazing like it makes you in in the context of george bush who i saw standing with a very very in a remember when we hated him right i was like remember when the thing was you don't have an exit strategy these guys didn't have an entrance strategy there was nothing no strategy and and yeah like i remember when i thought the worst thing that could happen to this world would be that mitt romney would be elected president it's's like, you do, you do see yourself in a, in a thing. Well, maybe that wasn't the worst thing in the world. Right. But look at how far we have to recalibrate that far to be like, oh my God, give me Mitt

Romney or give me debt. It's like how far down we are. It's like parenting when you have like little, little kids and they're really, really little. And you think it's like the worst thing in the world. And then you're like 10 years later, you're like, remember when we thought that was hard? Yeah. That was expensive. College comes a calling. I think I'm in your camp, Dana, that, that I do think it is dumber. And you know, we were like, do we have enough material? I mean, it's a pandemic. People aren't going out and anything. Yep. Dan, people send Dan And, you know, we were like, do we have enough material? I mean, it's a pandemic. People aren't going out and anything. Yep. Dan, people send Dan stories, as you know, because you've done this show. People send Dan the dumbest stories ever. And we get to the no,

no shortage. No shortage whatsoever. Let's let's jump into one right away. Shall we get product in this country? All right. This export is sometimes we outsource it, but usually it's locally ground. Yeah. One's locally ground. One thing real quick. I think it... Far be it for me to say something nice. Like reading these disillusioned QAnon people on message boards, where's the storm? I take no joy in it right i have no schadenfreude i would think that i would be like like in every bad sitcom whenever

uh the shot it's always the evil slow motion laugh. I have none of it. I'm just like, yeah, it's like when you walk in on somebody like they don't lock the public restroom and you open the door and they're on the toilet. Oh, Jesus. Sorry. I don't want any part of it. Well, so let's see if we have that

feeling towards what is going on in this first story that was said today. Here we go. Phone one for you parents. Sent in by Jake Groney at feeling towards what is going on in this first story that was said today. All right, here we go. This is a fun one. Look at you. Hey, come on. Fun one for you, parents. Sent in by Jake Groney, at Jake Groney, G-R-O-N-I-E.

Love this dude. O-N-I-E. All right, here we go. I'll just read you the headline. Kid who held a school toilet rave has had his equipment seized. School toilet rave. School toilet rave. School toilet rave. Very good band.

Look, there was no Burning Man this year, so someone had to do something. Right. The UK's illegal rave scene has spiked in popularity during lockdown with gatherings taking place from rural Wales to London warehouses to

school bathrooms, apparently. The latter was the venue for the December 11th rave organized by a boy at saint anthony's catholic college in greater manchester well you know it's gonna smell better than a regular rave am i right and plenty of water because you're already in the bathroom so everybody's hydrated named kale bell his name is kale kale bell school school toilet rave also just sounds like I'm frantically coming up with the Kreskin punchline for it. Do it. School toilet rave. School toilet rave.

Something, a crap, and a trap. I don't know. A mushroom cap, a crap crap and a rat three things where shit happens yeah a terrible trap will you take a crap and will you get the clap i'll be right back that's pretty damn good dana gold too many prefaces though that is dana that was solid no it worked that'll be the most timely reference you get from me today, by the way, I'm here on else.

It's it's older than that. Okay. Everything else is Dolby Gillis or earlier. I'm going straight to Arthur Godfrey from here. Lots of Faulkner references. All right. Name Kate, kale bell,

the aspiring. And it says here, to be honest, inspirational DJ invited quote, all the boys from year eight to his underground event over Snapchat. Together, they piled into the boys' toilets for a lunchtime rave with complimentary drinks and snacks. This guy, I like organization skills alone no i have no problem with anything this guy dana did your kids ever day ever say to you like why do i have to learn this in school

what about they still do they're teaching me this shit i don't i don't need it sure my youngest daughter she's almost 14 she's like i don't what teach me how to refinance a house teach me how to do organize a bathroom rave. I'm also like, when it comes to like, like cursive penmanship, I'm the, I'm like,

you won't need it. Yeah. You're not going to need it. Bag it. Have you tried to write like more than your name in cursive? On a check. I've tried to write like numbers. I'm like,

it's like when they give a crayon to an ape. I still write cursive. I have to admit. Do you really? Yeah. It's so hard for me. You're in a civil war love letter. I am.

Dear Edna. Okay. So they piled into the boys' toilets on Shime Rave, complimentary drinks and snacks. Upon entry to the bathroom, guests were given Cadbury twirls and a bottle of Lucozade. Lucozade? I don't know.

I know what I'm saying. I'm putting the wrong emphasis. While listening to aspiring DJ Kale on the decks. I have a picture of DJ Kale on the decks. You have to see him. He is loving every minute of his life. I like this kid. It's his school.

It's a bathroom. He's on the ones and number life. I like this kid. It's his school. It's a bathroom. He's on the ones and number twos. That's fine. These kids are all in a bubble. So lest you worry about that. Look at him. Look at him. Look at this kid.

Look at him. I'm right here. Hold on. I like it. I like it. He's loving it. I get no problem with it. I get no problem with this kid at all.

He's a fat kid from every movie. Yeah. He's like the... Yeah, because he's not really fat. He's just a little chubby. I don't know. He kind of looks like the kid from Bad Santa, which makes me love him even more.

You mean young Ken Daly? He's a little huff. Like a young Ken Daly. Which is really only a reference that people who hung out a lot at Largo in 1998 would get. Yeah, that's true. However. Our friend Ken Daly, he was a child actor. He should be on Cobra Kai. He was in

the bicycle, the evil guy. He was in his gang. One of those skeletons? Yes, Ken was one of those skeletons as a kid. A kid actor. We heard the kid who said, yeah, give him a body bag yeah that guy actually died so they actually got they got they got him a body bag they ultimately were able that's true very nice well that's hakuna matata my friend but but uh no ken uh yeah ken is in the is in that group and he also did a shamrock shake commercial that you can just

YouTube it and it looks like the kid from Bad Santa but it's not. It's Ken Daly. Or this kid. I mean this kid on the ones and number twos. There you go. No problem with this kid. However, I've got no issue with it. The rave was pretty short-lived since it was predictably

shut down by teachers after how long? OK, how long do you think this rave went before teachers shut it down? Dana, had you not asked, I would have said 20 minutes. OK, but since you asked, I'm going to say three. They did say rather short lived, short lived. Jay, what do you think? I want to say i'm going to say they had it going for about 12 minutes okay i think they had it going for 40 minutes 40 minutes and people like where is that noise coming from townies play along wherever you can also i mean

if you're wondering what dumb people town is it is a bathroom rave hosted by a kid by a kid by the way like the whole school sounded like every episode of The Sopranos when they were at the strip club. Yeah, for sure. You just hear the beat from the other side of the door. From the bottom page. Well, this sounds like something

that AJ would have done. Yeah. A hundred percent. When he was getting into when he was getting into event planning. Yes. And again,

think about that. Like he was getting into event planning, but like remember when for, you know, for Tony Soprano, the worst thing he could ever say about AJ would be like, knock it off with the

drums, AJ! It was predictably shut down by teachers after 30 minutes. Oh! I was right. I'll take that. Doesn't that feel too long? Yes. You have an entire group

of kids from the school that have been gone a half hour. That's how different. Aren't they in Bethlehem? They're all home. No, this is all at school. This is in person. This is in person at school.

So this isn't where are they doing this in England? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I was going to say, I didn't know anyone was in school. You know, England that has the worst new strain of coronavirus? They're doing it there.

So that's the stupidity. According to Kale's mom, Louise Bell. I hear it straightens your teeth, so no one's wearing a mask. God willing. According to Kale's mom, Louise Bell, who didn't know her son had arranged the event and only found out once the school called, the teachers also seized his equipment, including decks, speakers, and disco lights. You saw the picture. He had a full setup.

How do you hide that going into a bathroom? For 30 minutes is amazing. Going into school. You're right. Hyde setting it up. Hyde setting that up. Yeah, he'd bring it in. He hid setting it up.

So that means for all... Like a suitcase, like a rolling suitcase. No, for all the time it took for him to set that thing up means for all like a suitcase like a rolling no for all the time it took for him to set that thing up no staff went into the bathroom and for 20 minutes it was 10 more minutes before they figured out where all the kids were yeah i mean if i was the father i would have been in the car and like i don't worry about it that was yeah exactly i need to start hiding some shit from your mom how'd you do it i was curious how you guys would feel because it says here,

his parents took it pretty well though. The hairdresser, that's his mother said, quote, I had to laugh. It's been a terrible year and I couldn't be angry with my son for trying to spread some cheer. Quote,

when I got the call, it made perfect sense. Kale had been up dressed and ready to leave for school early that morning, which was unheard of in our house. He also had a glow stick in his mouth. He had a pacifier. He's wearing a lot of candy. Yes. For some reason, he went to

school with, he got a ride to school with Jamiroquai, which I knew I should have been alerted. Yes, we should have known something. It's ironic that his name is Kale and it looks like he's never eaten a piece of kale in his life chumbo lumba chumbo lumba what is something you overhear during a bathroom rave quote he had the biggest smile on his face so i knew he had something up his sleeve yeah he's going to school you think this kid enjoys he says i asked him what

he was so happy about this is on the way to school or before school. And he told me, hold on. We're going to find out how good of a liar this kid is right here. And that's grade eight. So he's about 14, 15. Sure. He told me they were having a rave in school. Okay.

So if no lying at all, he didn't even lie. No, he just left out the fact that he was having a rave in school. She says, I thought nothing of it. I didn't think for one minute there was any truth. He tries telling her, Mom, this is me. I remember years ago being in London, walking down the street at like 1130 in the morning, and a rave let out right behind me and it was and it was like people like there was a tear in the fabric of time because it was like something

i was surrounded by people from last night everybody was drenched with sweat yeah and they had the whole this sweat pacifiers glow sticks sticks, the whole thing. Like, no, you're, you're still in last night. I'm in today now. I'm in the future. They're like looking up at the sun, like vampires. Look what our watches do. Why is he talking at us? Yeah, that is. But I, this is the boy who cried rave. His mom cried rave. She says, but when I heard what Kale had done from advertising the rave on Snapchat

to actually pulling it off and even providing refreshments, I couldn't help but see the funny side. I mean, he's a little entrepreneur. Don't you want Morrissey to write a song about this? The boy with the rave in his bag. She says she waited for Kale coming home from school to snap a picture of him because she knew he would have a face on like he was expecting a telling off.

Here is the picture of the moment he walked in ready to get yelled at. He thinks it's all coming down. He knows. That is a scared kid. That is a scared kid. School uniform. he's like a little boy with a rave looks like he's got some sort of excellence award on the bridge there yeah he's a provost he was relieved when we saw the funny side but his face in the picture cracks me up. It's so funny. I love these parents. They're having a good time with it. Well, we have a picture of

her. She looks like a little bit of a character, too. This is him. This is the mom and her together. Oh, she looks fun. She's a hairdresser, and she's waiting for you to ask about it. She looks like she's like 14. Yeah. She does look very young. She looks very young. She does, yeah. She's definitely a white... I was

not arrested in high school but i was detained by the police and moved to another location when uh my my friends and i were busted uh drinking in the park one night you know pretty standard they picked you uh they walked us to the police station which was like a block away i'm from a very small town dana you were doing stand-up in high school it was yes i was it was also funny and i was with my friends but i wasn't drinking because i just didn't enjoy it right and the cop that arrested us busted us was my father's hunting buddy so well so they so all of the parents were called to come get them and you know even yours no except mine and the cop drove me home oh that had to feel good and just said uh remember when you see headlights coming uh cop cars have square headlights you see square headlights screw

and i love that when i went in because they had called they knew what was going on because i came home late and uh uh when uh and then i walked in and my dad just walked out into the kitchen said bunny moran being an asshole that was that was the extent of it well i love that you got you got brought in even though that it like you weren't doing anything wrong it's like the scene in Money Python when the Grim Reaper comes to get everyone. I didn't have the salmon.

I didn't need the salmon. They get in their cars and the car souls get up. The car souls driving away is one of my favorite jokes that the first time I saw it didn't get coming. It also has Terry Gilliam,

who is American making fun of an American accent. That's right. Excuse me, please. Could I ask you a question? Yeah. So stupid. That is really funny.

No, no. He's doing, he's doing like what an English person would do. Oh God. that's hilarious yeah the mom says when we asked him her son why he'd done it that'd be kale he told us school was boring and that they had nothing to do at lunchtime yeah or the mom from greater manchester believe it or not same as her son said quote in our eyes he hadn't done anything wrong we would

have been furious if the if the teachers had reprimanded him further past confiscating his things. School weren't happy and explained that they had to confiscate his equipment because they couldn't facilitate such behavior. But I could tell that they saw the funny side, too. It sounded like they were doing their best not to laugh on the phone. She says, we'll get out of here on this. I think she says, well, we're just proud that our son has brought a smile to so many people in such a difficult year. If you can't laugh and something's not right. He was relieved when he saw the funny side, but his face in the picture cracks.

Also, I don't think he was trying to be funny. That's the other thing. It's like when Jay and I did a law and order where we are the red herring in the first part of it. I'm familiar. So we did that. They put us in ascots, which we're like, that's going to be so weird. And so in the audition, we just jokingly and very stupidly said to the people, he said, do you have any questions? And we said, how gay are these guys?

Just want to know. And cause we thought that would be funny. And the guy was like, well, they're more asexual than anything else. And we said, okay. So we put us in the ascots. We do the thing. And it's very serious. Like Dennis Franz, not Dennis Franz, Dennis Farina takes Jason and throws him up against a car. Meanwhile, before the thing starts,

we're just, he's like, where are you guys from? They were doing like Lerner and Loeb. Was that the name? Yeah. And so like, it was Jesse, what's his name? Jesse Martin and, uh, and, and Dennis Farina. And we're talking to Dennis Farina about Italian restaurants in St. Louis that like, we love to go to, and he loves to go to, and then they're like, okay, you ever go to Ragazzi's? And we're like, yeah, Ragazzi's great.

All right. Action. He's like, blows him up against the thing. And then afterwards he's like, yeah, he tried meatball over at Caneto's. Yeah. I love that. Just chucking me against. So we hard. So the best part is it's a serious thing.

We're acting in a serious thing. And, uh, the two comments everybody told us afterwards was like, Oh my God, I saw you guys on law and order. You guys play gay very well. They're not.

Asexual. And then other thing people said is you guys play gay very well. Gay, asexual. And then the other thing people said is, you guys are hilarious. We're like, we're trying to be funny. I do that with my kids. If my kids do it really well on a test, they go, oh, good. That's funny. I'm going to use that. I'm stealing that from David.

That's the only compliment I can give them. That's funny. No, that's good. That's funny. It's good. It's funny. No, but that was just, it was so funny. So this kid who tried to put a rave on, I don't think he was trying to be funny. I think he was trying to put off a rave. In America, in certain parts of America to be like, well, we, we, you know, he was going to shoot up the school. We had to take his rifle.

We're going to get it back. Oh yeah. We had to be accepting you. And here it's like, we couldn't be mad at him. Yeah. We couldn't. Well, there it's a rave and here it's just raving mad. Yeah. I will get out of here on this. Of course, Kale has also attracted his fair share of fans. While his school friends are calling the house to let him know he's gone viral. Other admirers have set up a fundraiser that urges party goers and DJs to

support the next generation and buy him more, a more professional rig. How much money do you think was raised for kale to get better equipment in us dollars or in us dollars? Okay. Dana, you're a guest. You can go first or you can go to guess in between the two of us or last

$1,200. $1,200. Jay, what do you think? That's a lot of money. I'm going to say $1,200. $1,200. Jay, what do you think? That's a lot of money. I'm going to say $700. $700. Yeah, I'm going to say $600. $600.

Okay. This guy's, by the way, in the next year, this kid is definitely getting a cake thrown in his face by Steve Aoki. All right. I hope so. Here we go. To wrap up story number one, I can tell you that Kale Bell

had a fundraiser that raised $1,082.85. Good job. Closest, sir. Gorgeous. You know what this rave needs? More Kale Bell. More Kale Bell. There you go.

We found it. That's it. And with that, we're going to take a break. When we come back, more Dana Gold. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Not the first time Cale's been in the men's room. And I'm told he needed a better rig.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Dana Gould with us. And we were just rapping with him. He's got a great. We got Dana Gould with us and we were just wrapping with him. He's got a great podcast, the Dana Gould Hour.

Check it out for all of you who are enjoying this and enjoying his hilarity. You will love that one. And then coming up soon, tell us when Hanging with Dr. Z is and explain a little bit to our awesome audience who will love it. Yeah, February 15th at hangingwithdrz.com or YouTube or just go to Dana Gould on any social platform. It's Dr. Zayas' talk show from the 70s. We found them and we've resuscitated them. I love it.

He had a lovely career. So funny. He's very, he's very, he's very, because he was, you know, people don't understand that he was just an actor. Right. And he was just plugged into the business. And he used to, you know. Yeah. Let me tell you something.

I caught chlamydia from Elkie Summers' hot tub. Oh, God! In 1976. And I survived. So when I see a kid in a burn unit or in a wheelchair, I feel like you and me both, brother. I know how you feel. I feel it. I feel it. Dr. Z. Hang in with Dr. Z. I can't wait. That's so great.

Such a great idea. February 15th. Check that out. Jay and I have always said that if Planet of the Apes were remade again today, the apes would they would not take up arms. No, they would take up they would take over and then they would slave us they would take over and then they would take over technology and then they'd all want to just become influencers

they'd go past the you know like tiktok stars so much more power and influence if we could just get like millions and we don't have to like hold guns on people we don't have to ride horses no you don't it's funny this is so i went to i went to college uh with a guy named ed solomon who wrote was a big screenwriter and he wrote men in black and now you see me now you don't know and uh he he pitched on the movie mars attacks uh and uh i wish he had gotten the joke because his pitch was that the martians invade in the first the first act the martians conquer the world and then they just ignore us and they go about terra farming and doing what they do but they don't kill anybody or enslave anybody they just kind of ignore us and go about

their business and it drives everyone crazy we're so narcissistic we're like trying to provoke they're trying to provoke that's exactly right yeah well that's like every uh the so narcissistic we're like trying to provoke they're trying to provoke that's exactly right yeah well that's like every uh the most narcissistic thing that you will encounter in life is people who believe the world is going to end like while they're here right oh it's been here billions of years it's waiting for me to show up yeah and then it's all there's no there's no going past this this is it that was the other thing too like i was watching the heaven's gate and they were like y2k was like a big thing for all these people i'm like how insanely narcissistic that you think any entity or alien is like well what's what's the

human calendar like like what what have they picked as january 1st 22 years back to an imaginary guy hey when are we supposed to invade that planet? Well, let's see how they've decided time works and figure out an important date for them. We want to, you know what, can you reach out to see what their avails are before we, yeah, that's like the star Trek thing. We've been here over two of your earth hours. What, why would you phrase it like that? You have your own form of time. Right. Yeah. Don't you have like a Grim Lab that that's what it was?

One fourth of a Grim Lab. You're using fourths. I'm burning through pot loos like they're going out of style. Can we please move this along? God. Shall we jump into another story? Should we mention anything that's coming up from us?

February 27th, live done. People town and nowhere. Comedy club, Jack Black and open Mike Eagle. It's going to be a blast and harkens back to our old Largo days. Dana Gould. Oh, I know. In that front area. And we'd all be getting ready to go up on stage and through that little

door. Yeah. Largo where the green room was also called the entrance. Yeah. The host's desk. Sometimes on stage, you can feel a breeze coming in from the guy walking in from outside. Although you did get to see, so you're sitting like,

we're about ready to go on stage. And I just remember one night Doug Benson was like, saw us and then like quickly went to go outside. We're like, are you Doug? Are you not going to stick around and wait for, he's like, Oh no, I got to get higher just to come back.

That's fine. That checks out. Um, Oh, that is the most on brand story. The most very, uh, already high.

And yeah, exactly. Uh, I'm going to be doing bingo. You can do that with me. We'll raise money for No Kill Animal Shelters, Big Brothers, Big Sisters, Food Banks. Plus you can win money and tons of prizes.

And then also if you've ever, or you're itching or you've never done, or you want to do some form of like a pub trivia night, you have a team or you just want to join in by yourself. That's happening. And then also movie night where we watch a movie on your own, but we talk about it together.

And I believe in February, we're probably going to do Casablanca. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. So go to DanielVanKirk.com for all those things. It's a good movie. It is a good movie. It should have been in color, but I mean, it's fine. I know. And the original actor that was going to play

Rick was Ronald Reagan. Oh, wow. Then they got a new director and a bigger budget and they went with humphrey bogart because he was a higher caliber actor but it was originally a b movie and it was uh gonna be ronald reagan wow you know i watched the sinatra documentary that was on hbo and what was amazing was sinatra and bogart like those those guys being like buddies in just their connection. And just that Bogart was kind of like the older guy who kind of showed him

how to be like a swank dude. And Lauren Bacall coined the phrase, the rat pack. That's right. Because they all loved Bogart and they were all hanging out. Yeah. And she came in and said, look at you guys like a pack of rats.

And that was the origin of the rat pack. There's a documentary on Netflix called Simply Sinatra and it's lived other places as well. It's been around for a while, but it's so good. And Lauren McCall also coined the phrase the brat pack by just... That's like very close to John Nelson. Best of us and said you're a goddamn brat. And the frat pack.

By the way, Dr. Z and Frank Sinatra were very close. I didn't know that! This is when they buried the hatchet on their... buried the hatchet on their... I can't believe... February 15th. When they did do that song together, I thought that was really nice on the Jerry Lewis telethon.

He interviewed Hendrix. Not a lot of people remember that. That was very famous. Oh, God. The most famous was Ali after the Foreman fight. I'll never forget that. I can't believe how much he got Ali to talk. They really opened up.

Well, he got to why he was really afraid, and Ali never showed that fear unless he was around Dr. Z. The thing about Dr. Z is that he never called him Cassius Clay, even when his name was Cassius Clay. Before he even knew about Dr. Z is that he never called him Cassius Clay, even when his name was Cassius Clay. Yes. Before he even knew about Ali.

Before Ali ever understood about the nation of Islam. He said, I will not call you Cassius Clay. I will not call you. He used to do it. Back in Louisville. All right, Daniel. Ready for a second story? All right.

This was sent in by Jeffrey Alberghini at JJ. Alberghini. Alberghini. Okay, here we go. Ready? A mugger who stole a rare erotic watch. I had to do this a few times. Rare erotic watch.

What time is it? You know what time it is. Well, the big dildo's on the nine. A rare erotic. He said the big dildo. Rub it a little bit. All right. We'll see.

The person has been jailed for nine years, having snatched the pricey and explicit accessory as its owner left Selfridges. Selfridges? Selfridges is a store in London. Yes. I'm trying my best. Medi did a pronounced

or I'm sorry, pounced on N-G-O-C. Ngoc. Ngoc. Bless you. Excuse me, friends. N-G-O-C. But it's these. Ngoc. Ngoc. Bless you. Use me, friends. N-G-O-C.

Bless you, Dan. So this is an erotic watch. Because I recently, I read something about how Conor McGregor, the MMA fighter, has a million dollar watch. Dana. Yeah, but is it erotic? No, it's not. That's number number one so it's not getting him off it's just in a it's just a million dollar thing that you can put on your arm i'd be interested in a million dollar swatch yeah like a shitty watch that's somehow worth a million dollars

like what and but they don't tell you why. You have to figure out why. That is like you have too much money. Too much money. You should give that money to somebody. That's a clear indication that you're not giving enough to charity. Yeah. Even if you are giving a lot to charity.

Have you ever toured Graceland? I broke in once. You know the jungle room where they have carpet on the ceiling? That's a sign. What if we put this carpet on the ceiling? Wait a minute. I have too much money. I have too much money to some orphans.

So Ngoc Cao. How would you say that? Cao. Ngoc Cao. This guy, that's who left the department store when meet when met he pounced on him he was with his wife and he stole an rm69 tourbillion of course 69 erotic watch from his wrist the watch the watch made by luxury watch maker richard mill is one of 30 created and spells out sexual messages that can be changed by

manually rotating three bars. Rapper Drake is also one of the lucky few to own the watch. Having shown it off on Instagram when his writing, even the watch is poetic. I'm going to tell you now. Oh God. Here's the phrase that Drake went for. It was the phrase that pays guys.

He went for, he made his watch say, I want to caress you tonight as his message. But other options include, this is what you can make your watch say. Let's hear it. You have to read it. It doesn't say,

it doesn't say anything. I love, I long to devour your nipples. Okay. And I need to taste you tonight. There you go. Very erotic, which was the original version of Eric Clapton. You taste you tonight. There you go. Very erotic. Which was the original version of Eric Clapton's

You Look Wonderful Tonight. And then his kid fell out of the way. But before that, it was actually Mel Torme's The Way You Look Tonight. Yeah. I'm gonna eat you up tonight. Hit it, count Basie. We've got a few more things, but I think it'd be fun now.

How much do you think this watch is worth? Now that you know a little bit about it it's a rare erotic watch so you now know in the world of expensive watches drake has one is all you this is your grandfather's erotic watch no i have my grandfather's watch and there's nothing erotic about playboy used to sell a watch that it said uh in the little you know in the little window where it would normally say the day of the week. Remember that? It would say time to fuck. Oh, really?

That's far more erotic than I want to taste you, but yes. So how expensive do you think this will be? Remember, the other thing you could say on this watch is I long to devour your nipples. So it's a little bit more hardcore. I mean, this is cannibalism, but yes. Yeah, nobody wants that. Except for Armie Hammer.

I knew we were going to have this. How much do you jerks think this watch costs? I mean, is it? Well, so a million dollars was in that. Conor McGregor's got a million dollar watch. Okay, Conor McGregor, right. That's a contextual thing. So how expensive do you think it is, Dana?

$250,000. $250,000. That's a good guess. I'm going to say $100,000. Yeah, I think about $75,000. $75,000. The watch that was stolen,

and we still have a couple more details to go through, but the watch that was stolen was worth $924,000. Oh, David. Actually, $924,996. By the way, I'm Googling Drake's erotic watch. That's right. Only because I want my kids to one day look through my internet history. Dad, dad, dad went down some tunnels drake's erotic

watch jake's erotic watch does feel like it's the name of an album yes by tom wait the beastie boys are by tom waits uh oh this is so funny did you see it can you see it uh no i can't see it my kid my it's a long story my my daughter well you know my kids i drive my kids around and my daughter's on my phone sure and she was looking up taylor swift lyrics yep and of course she and it was like pretty girl or sexy girl and it took her to a horrible place oh yeah and i'm driving and i'm like she's like and i'm like it was oh it was the worst story ever and how did you get to daddy's favorite site this is the thing i totally forgot about this. So I adjusted the parental controls on the phone, and then I forgot the password.

I can't. It will not allow you to do it. Now that I have the adult content control on the computer, I have on average an extra 22, 23 hours a day. That's a great joke. Kind of get stuff done. Dana, you're writing this. Please put that in the new thing.

I didn't preload it. So I don't know if we'll be able to throw it up here, but I can show you guys. Here's a picture of the watch. It's very simple looking. It literally looks like a Grand Central Station. Doesn't it? It looks like a Seiko.

And rotate the things. Yeah. If a Seiko said, I'd like to devour your nipples. Does it look like a million dollars? It definitely does not look like it's worth it. It looks like a watch you could win at Dave & Buster's. Right. I mean, a lot of tickets.

Don't get me wrong. Right. But if someone said, this thing is a million dollars. It looks like in 1978, someone was like, this is the watch from the 80s. I don't want the stress of a million dollar watch. You're right, though. Right? It doesn't look like that to me.

My favorite thing in the world, the past's version of the future yes oh my god this is you won't believe your mind and in the next we're gonna make life so easy for you uh the biggest thing the biggest thing in the future uh to interrupt him no you're fine very quickly uh was always the dick tracy video watch yes that was the version of the future like it and now we do like i don't call my daughter we facetime yeah always dude the jetsons that was the version of the future like and now we do like i don't call my daughter we facetime yeah always did the jetsons that was basically a zoom meeting every morning i was just like oh yeah and the other day i literally said and she by the way she was in the other room like i was just too lazy she was down the hall but i was still like oh yeah we have video phones we have like george

jetson phones now that's right and we just take it for granted granted totally that was a zoom call every morning with spacely sprocket every time um so the guy who robbed the dude oh and there's the watch look at that look at i want to arouse your nipples that's it that's a million dollars you're looking at the stress of wearing that in public. I can't even tell what time it is. If there's one thing that's going to get a woman aroused is your dirty watch. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. Exposed ears. I want to see my whack mags. It looks like something the dad would have sold in Gremlins. Like, oh, this is a great watch here. See what you do. You got something you want to say to people. It's very

subtle. Hoyt Axton? Is that who you're referencing? Is that something Hoyt Axton would sell? Yes. To Zach Galligan? Yeah. Budweiser commercials and then that. No, but I mean, for real, that looks like the big board at the long Island railroad. Yeah, it does. I want to arouse your nipples. Miniola.

Yeah. That's like sexting Rosie from the Jetsons. Oh gee. So many did a Wadsworth South on and had been in a gang that targeted wealthy people for their time pieces. That's a niche market. What does your gang do? We beat people up. What about you guys? We steal specific watches. Timepieces.

And we're going mostly into the erotic. Doesn't it sound like a plot to like a Statham movie? This gang that steals these watches and we got to stop them. They would identify targets at high-end stores in central Londonon watching them for a period of time before robbing them uh ditto was convicted of conspiracy to rob handling stolen goods and possessing criminal property while his accomplice was convicted of conspiracy to rob but cleared of conspiracy safari was handed that's his accomplice eight years both are algerian nationals facing deportation for their sentences. Oh, there you go. The limited run of the watch.

The same people Liam Neeson killed and taken, by the way. Yeah. Was released back in 2015, each featuring three rotating bars. It was originally about a guy who loses his watch. Yeah. It goes insane. It's taken from him. He wants it back. I knew you'd take my watch.

I told you I would find it. I've got a very special set of skills. Richard Mill, who I'll probably never meet nor buy a watch from, so maybe I'm saying it wrong, said, erotic timepieces are part of watchmaking history. Which I guess is technically true, but that doesn't mean it matters. Is this the next

episode of S-Town? I'm just asking for people. There he goes. Is that story too? Story number two. Like F-Town. I'm just asking for people. That's a good poll. Is that story too? F-Town, am I right? What are you doing? Winding my watch. Winding you up a little bit.

Dan, give us a teaser of what we're going to hear in this final. Just a dumb Tesla driver. Great. Dumb Tesla driver. And when we come back, we're going to talk to Dana just a little bit for our Patreon fans. And we got some questions for him. So this is Dumb People Town and we have one more story. Stay with us. Stick around. Make it sound

for more Dumb People Town. Dan, take us home on this last story. Okay, here we go. Ready? Yep. This was sent in by Cradley Boopler at the Boom Dizzle. All of that is great. Everything that you. This was sent in by Cradley Boopler at the Boom Dizzle. All of that is great. Everything that you just said is a man. Cradley Boopler at the Boom Dizzle.

I love it. I feel like if you told me that was the kid who did the bathroom rave, I'd be like, there you go. Rearrange that name into a sex move. If you told me that was the... You could put on that watch right i'm gonna i'm gonna call my erotic watch bradley boobler boom dizzle that means it is go time

it does i go i do want to go full circle to my crescent thing yeah there's cradley Boobler. I do feel bad for Johnny having died. And now there's a whole new language that he could have used for his. He's like, may a crazed web designer download on your sister's mainframe. There's so much stuff that he could have done. May your TikTok not be the only thing that goes viral. May you stumble across your granny's bloomers on eBay. So much stuff.

May you weave a purse full of baby hair on Etsy. I love it. All right. Bradley Boopler. Bradley Boopler. The Boopler comes from the CBC. The RCMP in Alberta have charged a British Columbia man with speeding while he was asleep at the wheel of a Tesla electric car.

That is a level of trust that I have been in therapy for years trying to achieve. I can't do it. I can't ever see myself totally trusting a car. Like it wasn't intentional. Yes. Yeah. He went to turn on the car and he went,

you will in our lifetime, you will sleep while being in a vehicle that's on the road. I guarantee it that I'm driving. Yes. And I'm operating. No, you won't be operating it. That's operating.

You'll be just in there and you like, hey, we got a show in Vegas. I don't even I'm just going to get in the car and let it take. But doesn't the now I'm not a car guy. So doesn't the road have to be complicit in this? It'll all. Yeah, there will end up. They will end up. It has to do with how well the mapping system is.

And I imagine they will also end up establishing like quarter mile to maybe mile like sensors and stuff. They'll figure it out. All I know is I'm dry. I have like a Chevy bolt. And when I'm driving on the thing, if a person is walking kind of off to the right on the side of the road, it shows a little person figure on my thing. And when there's a car in that same area of my sort of blind spot, there's a car there. And I'm like, wow, that's amazing that this car just identified, not that there's an object, beep, beep, beep, but exactly what it is. That's the crude beginnings of a deer runs by and the car will stop itself because it

knows that something's there. But that is crazy. It's trust, man. I know that level of trust is unreal. So he set it too high. And so he was speeding no the rcmp received a call at about 4 p.m on july 9th concerning a 2019 tesla model s speeding south on highway 2 near panoka about 100 kilometers south of edmonton um so here's my question what

if you're tired but you still want to have that joy ride? Can you program that in? Exactly. I'm going to sleep through some donuts. Is that okay, guys? Turn the wheel. Both? I want to do it, but I'm just exhausted right now. Both front seats were fully reclined. Oh, gee. The driver and passenger appeared to be sound asleep.

Then don't drive. Yeah, don't drive. I agree. I don't have that level of trust yet. It's not. That level. To believe that everything's going to be all right. It's not. It's like Rory's comedy bit

about people who when a light changes to green and there's no arrow, but they turn in front of high level confidence make that turn before you don't have an arrow right everyone's green i've seen people that i knew were gonna try it and they also weren't checking the crosswalk oh god and you're like please don't hit this person please don't hit this person then you're this is this is something that makes me believe in a higher power that i don't innately and i i think of it and i i thought

of it a second ago and i flinched i was in santa monica in my car at a light foot on the brake looking down at something and then i look up the car was not moving my foot was on the brake looking down at something and then i look up the car was not moving my foot was on the brake but they were walking a daycare and they were all a foot in front of my car yep like if i just if you just go forward yeah if you weren't paying attention for one second yeah yeah and I literally yeah just and and I was just like to them it's like maybe not a foot in front of a parked car maybe maybe maybe six or seven feet it's not it's not a parked car you were at a light yeah I'm at a light yeah it was it was to this day i was like so you always look up before you go forward well have you i mean newer cars have that automatic

park setting so when you come to a complete stop your car stops and cannot move until you hit the accelerator which does avoid those things where people just kind of let themselves roll a little yeah yeah into an intersection i was in jay leno stan Steamer. I would have had to move. I needed to shovel coal into a thing. It's a pretty good vehicle there. I've cut him off in that Stanley Steamer. The car appeared

to be driving on autopilot. I saw him coming down Coldwater and I was going into Whole Foods and I just waited until... Yeah, screw it. You never had me on the show. He never had us on either.

The car appeared to be driving on autopilot at more than how many miles per hour? I will tell you this. The speed limit on that stretch of highway is 69 miles per hour. So we've converted. 69, dude. Converted. But so Dana, how far... He was going over 80.

And that's the kind of thing that you should film it. And he wakes up and he looks out at the car and it's just fish. Or the officer says, do you know how fast you were going? He was like, no, I was asleep. Fast asleep. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say 85 miles an hour. He had to be pushing it in order to be.

Yeah, I think 90. Oh yeah, you're right. Cause he got pulled over. Your autopilot was going more than 87 miles. I got you. Nobody was looking out the windshield to see where the car is going. Darren term Sergeant Darren Turnbill told the CBC news on Thursday. So he doesn't trust it. I've been policing for over 23 years and the majority of that in traffic law enforcement. Nobody cares. It's not about you. I did not take a vacation in

2011. I worked straight through. We do not care. If I'm going to do an all-inclusive resort, we don't care, sir. This year's Secret Santa, I'm just getting everyone's scarves. We don't care. Stop adding that. He says, I've never, go ahead, Dana. He says, I've never ever seen anything like this

before, but of course the technology wasn't there. Now he's going to start talking to you about how he feels about big tech. Tesla model S sedans have autopilot functions, including auto steer and traffic aware cruise control. And both functions appear to be activated. Quote, we believe the vehicle was operating on the autopilot system. No shit, which is really just an advanced driver safety system,

a driver assist program. You still need to be driving the vehicle turn bull set. But of course I didn't know this. There are aftermarket things that can be done to a vehicle against the manufacturer's recommendation. I mean, I remember people in high school taking the governor off their car but like i never thought of like hacking your tesla in my day we didn't have erotic watches we had to ask a tex offender what time it was you had to you had to draw a butt if you wanted you had to draw it on the face and then you couldn't read the time but you had a little ass on your wrist

um after the responding officer activated emergency lights on the vehicle the tesla Couldn't read the time, but you had a little ass on your wrist. After the responding officer activated emergency lights on the vehicle, the Tesla automatically began to accelerate. Oh, God. Even though those vehicles were ahead of the Tesla, the highway moved out of the way. So because I think it says it here, nobody appeared to be in the car, but the vehicle sped up because the line was clear in front so how many people thought that thing was being driven by ghosts because i think we're still at the point where people don't realize that there are self-driving cars oh yeah for sure i don't i

don't yeah i mean i'm like which ones are all the way down if you think about it see them they pull up behind the tesla lights on all the cars that are in front of the tesla start pulling off to the side of the road so the tes Tesla thinks, Oh, open lane. It's safe for me to even drive faster. Yeah. And it's now you're in pursuit. You don't know it, but you don't know it. Right. Cause you're assuming. And soon the highway will be filled with driverless trucks. That's right. And then we're going to lose all of our diners and our truck stops. What could go wrong? Yeah. Right. Nothing, nothing.

And we wonder why our kids don't want to learn how to drive it reminds me of one of my favorite norm mcdonald's it was a weekend update joke when norm mcdonald was the host but it was a joke that had like had no turn in it it was straight it was like the city of san diego has announced plans for an offshore floating runway to the airport it's supported it's a runway for the airport. It's supported. It's a runway for the airport that's actually offshore. It's a part of the city's plans to have a huge disaster. That's great.

This joke isn't going anywhere, but exactly where you think. Yeah. I mean, it's like a floating runway is what this is. Terrible idea. The responding officer. Let's have a game show host be the president.

Not yet. It's a great idea. There's no wrong. The responding officer obtained radar readings on the vehicle, confirming that it had automatically accelerated to exactly 93 miles per hour. We got up there. The RCMP charged the driver with speeding and issued a 24-hour license suspension for fatigue. You're tired.

You can't drive for 24 hours. I kind of like that. That's good. After further investigation and consultation with the Crown, a criminal code charge of dangerous driving was laid against the driver. The driver was served a summons for court in December. I didn't put it in here, but they did to some like people in like a tesla fan group or whatever and they said that people will go into their teslas and like enhance the autopilot so that because it makes you like check

in every like 60 seconds or 90 seconds to make sure you are looking ahead and your hands on the wheel and i guess you can hack your tesla and turn that stuff off because if you don't check it it's just going to slow down and pull over i can't think of a more annoying like internet group to be a part of like the people who have done aftermarket things like well actually like that phrase gets thrown out you know you don't need to you need to do that i could just switch this thing and And it's like, okay. Yeah. That's story number three, my friend. There you go. That is the show. I cannot wait for hanging with Dr.

Z on YouTube. February 10th. Is that when it is? February 15th. 15th. It's, I can't wait. Really, really stupid.

I cannot wait. There's nothing that makes me happier. That's what we need right now. Go to any of Dana Gould's, Dana Gould's social media posts, any of them, and you'll have it there. And the Dana Gould Hour. Check out his podcast.

I love you, buddy. Thank you so much for joining us. So good to see you all. I'll see you soon. Next time. Yeah, I'll see you in the hood. And next time, God willing, we'll be in a van again. Oh, man.

Please. I long for those days. Next year at Sketch Fest, let's all hang out. That's it. And oh, shit, we shit We gotta get back to work Dum dum dum dum Dum dum dum dum Dum dum dum dum

Dum dum dum dum Dum dum dum dum Dum dum dum dum Dum dum dum dum Stick around Make a sound On your down It's Dumb People Town

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