Dumb People Town - Dave Ross - Covered In Blood

Episode Date: July 27, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Dave Ross (Suicide Buddies) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a man is arrested after robbing a jewelry store, cutting himself in the process, and leaving his blood all over the scene of the crime.

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And let's work out together. Down each epic fail in Florida. There's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, dirt, don't be a jerk. That's when the music, which the funny hits, and we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker Down is Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town.

Population you. Population Ross. Dave Ross is with us and he is the co-host of a fantastic podcast, if you haven't checked out yet, with our friend on Starburst. Right here, our friend Hampton Nyant is his co-host called Suicide Buddies. And it takes a very serious subject, deep subject, and applies humor to it in a way. This is why I think comedy is great. Because I think comedy walks into the field that people are like, you can't walk in there. You can't walk in there.

And comedy is like, we're going to walk in there because we are armed with comedy how else are we supposed to deal with this shit yeah man i can't tell you we get a bunch a bunch of emails uh from people who literally say like hey uh guys i just wanted you to know i heard about your podcast and i hated you i hated you immediately i did not want to like it and then i listened to it and i liked it because you guys because you guys are both super funny and amazing yeah you're coming from a real place we've known Dave

for years because he used to run a fantastic show downtown at the Independent Theater yeah man holy fuck can you curse on

the Dumb People Town podcast it was it was such a every time you asked us to be on that show we tried to make it and now your show Good Heroin is

yeah have you guys done Good Heroin? No, we haven't done it. When is it? It's every Saturday and you can come literally any time, any three of you.

Great. Love it. Fantastic. We should book you, but also just show up any Saturday. Where is it? You do it where?

It's at Stories Books and Cafe in Echo Park. Love it. Every Saturday at 8 p.m. That's great. You've been doing that over two years, right? Three and a half years.

Wow. Running with Matt Ingebretson. You might have heard of him. Tall, tall person. A good live show in L.A. that's long running. It's hard to get people out and establish an audience for something, and you've done it now twice. I have no idea where these people come from.

It doesn't matter. You put a good show together. People show up. People show up, and people have shown up to this show. We're so happy that you're on this show. Me too. To basically lead you to the dumbness, and then we will all debate it. Daniel, do we have a story?

We do. It was sent in by Cindy Sack, at Mrs. Sack, S-A-K. Sack it. Cindy, thank you so much. Here we go. Alargo Man, from the club from the club? I don't know. That can't be. Mar-a-Lago?

Nope, not that one either. That's more tragic. It's Spalliff Tompkins. That Largo man. A Largo man was arrested Monday after police said he broke into the front door of a jewelry store and stole $10,000

in jewelry, which is either a lot of jewelry, a lot of cheap jewelry. Or one piece. Or one piece. Yeah. That was on sale. A ring in two areas. It's like, yeah, $10,000 can fit in your pocket. Right.

It was just two paychecks sitting on top of each other. You're supposed to steal three and a half month salary worth of jewelry. Yes. That's what it is. That's what they said. Is that still a thing? I feel like that's kind of gone away. I think it was one month salary.

Is that what it is? I thought it was two. I thought it was two months. Is it two months salary? Also, that apparently, do you know this about that? I thought it was two months paid vacation. That was created by De Beers. Do you know this story?

Really? They made it up in order to. Of course they did. They should say how much you should be spending in there. Because people were asking how much should I spend on an engagement ring. And then De Beers. Two months. That's respectful. It's not respectful.

This broad's worth two months of my money. A Largo man was arrested Monday after police said he broke into the front door of a jewelry store, stole $10,000 in jewelry, but here's where it gets dumb, cut himself in the process and left blood

all over the store. Yep. All over. All over. He was dancing in there. He was rolling around. You know what they say. All over means it was spraying everywhere. Totally. Bleed like nobody is watching. It's like shooting out of his artery while he's grabbing jewelry. He's trying to hold.

Can't DNA this. He's like, I only have one hand over here. Police arrested Jamie Williams, J. Wills. J. Will. On a charge of burglary on Monday morning after a short ways away, after he was a short ways away, covered in blood. What? I know.

Covered in blood. Can you imagine the officer? Hey, man. Hey. What's going on? What are you doing? Nothing. He's got the jewelry on, too.

And he's wearing it. Either someone fucked up the Kids' Choice Awards and you just got slimed with blood. Were you at prom with Carrie? What's happening? What are you doing? I just have one question for you, sir. Are you a Largo man? You're coming with me,

Jamie Williams, the Largo man. Officers said they were called the Silver Queen Jewelry Store. The Silver Queen, guys, in response to a burglary. There, they reviewed surveillance video that showed a man driving on a black bicycle, leaning against a tree. Hold on a second.

I have a problem with them saying they were driving on a black bicycle. So he had a car on top of a black bicycle. That's what I hear. Yes. Riding a black bicycle. I also, full disclosure, need of a black bicycle. That's what I hear. Yes. Riding a black bicycle. I also, full disclosure, need to admit, you were right. That would be weird. I read it wrong.

It's riding. Nope. I read it more wrong than that. Sometimes. Jesus, man. A video that showed a man arriving. Arriving. Which is still weird.

Still. I have arrived on my black bicycle. I have arrived. Where did you arrive on? A bicycle. I have arrived on my black bicycle. I have arrived. Where did you arrive on? A bicycle. That's not good. You don't arrive on a bicycle. You show up on a bicycle.

Yeah, you got there. Yeah, he got there. You're done. Barely. I made it. I made it here on this bike. How do we know he didn't cut himself on the bike? It showed the man arriving on a black bicycle, leaning against a tree.

What is the color of the bicycle after bicycle, leaning against a tree. What is the color of the bicycle after that? Leaning against a tree, by the way, is time that someone who is about to commit a burglary just doesn't have. Right. That is so leisurely. Right. There's also something about that image that just makes me think this happened in the 1950s. Right. Me too.

Leaning against a tree. Cutting an apple. Had a glass of lemonade. Yeah apple. Had a glass of lemonade. Yeah. Had a tall glass of lemonade. Leaning against a tree also either means that the police officer is a stickler for detail or- Cutting an apple with his thumb on the knife.

Oh, 100%. He was waiting for his hat to be blocked. Spitting seeds out of his mouth. Into a bandana. But if you're going to note it, it does mean that the cop is either way too detailed or he spent way too long of a time at the tree. Right.

Right, yeah. Or like, okay, wait, where is Largo? I don't know. Oh, Tampa Bay. Florida. I knew it, I knew it. Because I think maybe this is in a paper where they don't get a lot of stories.

Yeah, we need more words. I get paid per the letter, man. Make it poetry. Come on, man. He leaned against a tree. More details. More details. There was blood all over. Everywhere.

Well, it gets more metal than that. Leaning against a tree. And then, okay, I'm going to read it in order because it's more fun. Arriving on a black bicycle, leaning against a tree, and then, in quotes, destroying the glass front door. Destroying it? He broke it. Who's that a quote from? The cop?

I guess. He broke it. He broke the glass front door. Oh, the arrest report. That's what the quote is from. It's not a bathroom when you take a dump. He wrecked that front door. I mean, he destroyed it. Where did he break it? I wonder if he took a shit on the front door. Do you think that's what I mean is from. It's not a bathroom when you take a dump. He wrecked that front door. I mean, he destroyed it.

Where did he break in? I wonder if he took a shit on the front door. Do you think that's what I mean? He destroyed it. He destroyed it. Where did he break in? Bro, he didn't break in. He didn't destroy it.

We've seen tons of break-ins. First you arrive, then you destroy. Dude, he obliterated that front door. He destroyed the front door. He annihilated that front door. The way someone who arrives on a bike and then leans on a tree would destroy that front door. He destroyed the front door. He annihilated that front door. The way someone who arrives on a bike and then leans on a tree would destroy a front door. Agreed. He de-virginized that door.

Video also showed the burglar breaking into display cases by smashing the glass and taking several pieces of jewelry. Of course he cut himself. So he's the guy who hasn't learned that you wrap a towel around your hand when you punch through something. He's getting out a lot of aggression. He's a dumb guy. This is more about him trying to get out aggression than it is stealing jewelry. One piece of cloth could have saved this entire bloodbath. One little hammer.

Went to, I guess, the least expensive case of jewelry. To get $10,000 worth of stuff. He then left the store. I love this too. He breaks in, smashes the glass, and taking several pieces of jewelry in the glass cases. Was this the plot to Ocean's 8? Yes.

I'm sorry. Okay. Yeah, yeah. This guy was eight women. We just want our engagement rings. He then- Eight women arrived on a bicycle. I'd watch that movie.

A black bicycle played by Don Cheadle. He then left the store and hid the jewelry in some bushes. See, he didn't even care. He was like, I'll come back for this. Was there blood in the bushes? Yeah. That's my favorite album. All over the bushes. All over the bushes.

That was what Fahrenheit 411. Officers noted that, quote, there was a large amount of blood throughout the scene in the store from the defendant injuring himself on the broken glass. About 90 minutes after their arrival, officers found Jamie Williams several hundred feet from the store wearing the same clothes as the burglar. Sure. A gray t-shirt, blue shorts, and red sandals. Is that what you guys are saying? Sandals? Sandals. I'm so red.

Sandals. I want to call this the casual criminal. The casual criminal. Wait, gray t-shirt, blue shorts. Blue shorts. Red sandals. USA. USA. Yeah, man. Red sandals. Where do you even get that? If you're going to go just, if part of

your plan, which I'm maybe giving him too much credit right there. There's no plan. There is no plan. Is I'm going to break a ton of glass. What footwear do you want for that? Closed-toed shoes. Here's the thing. I think his plan was, I'm going to get on my black bicycle, and then I'm going to lean against a tree, and then he stops the planet.

Right, right. And then we'll see what happens. We'll take it from there. By the way, I wouldn't ride a bike in sandals. No, that's a bad idea. This guy's closed-toed shoes. This is how it reads out. A gray t-shirt, blue shorts, and red sandals, and covered in blood.

Maybe that's why the sandals were red. Maybe they were white. That's a great point. They were beige. Now they are red. They are doused in blood. They are trying to make it seem like it is literally a bloodbath. They were beige. Now they are red. They are doused in blood. They are trying to make it seem like it is literally a bloodbath. Like buckets of blood.

Officers took a DNA sample from him to compare the blood that was left in the store. I hope they didn't swab his mouth because just take the blood off of him. Is that the same blood that's in the store? Also, look at Sandals. Just booking. He's wearing the clothes. That's probably what he said. This isn't that much of a...

He's like, you guys got to be dicks about this. Look at me. I did it. He's saying I did it. But it's one of those things where you have to do everything right. Yeah. Because if you do one little thing wrong, this guy's getting off. The cop was just like, hey, buddy.

Hey. Yeah. What? You covered in blood? Yeah. Where from? Largo. No, we're in Largo.

Oh, okay. Were you at the jewelry store? Yeah. No. It looks like you were. You got blood all over you. No, I was leaning against a tree. And how did you get bloody?

It just got bloody in here. Did you drive here from Minnesota, bud? No, I came here on a black bike. I arrived. I arrived. I arrived. I just arrived. I drove on a black bike.

I drove on a black bike. Don't lean under that tree. Yeah, then you get bloody. I'm going to show you guys what he looks like. Is there blood on him when we see him? No. But he is pissed. Ready for this? Yeah, I do want to see this guy. But he is pissed. Of course he is.

Yeah, I do want to see this guy. It's going to be on our Facebook page. That guy has not had sleep since the Bush administration. It does look like sleepless Nick Kroll a little bit. He looks like no matter how long he's been in the bar, he's saying, still waiting over here. He's always waiting for a drink. Totally. He also looks like

one of those guys that's like, what are you looking at? Why do you look around in life? By the way, I look at stuff. I don't know, man. No one's looking at you. He walks up next to you at the bar and you kind of look over and he's like, what? I acknowledge someone was in my

presence. He's on his bicycle. This is a guy whose interaction says that if he rides up to the bar What are you looking at? I've arrived at the bar. And he leans up against it. No, but he's the type of guy that when something bad happens his lips turn into a

butthole and he's like, mm-hmm. He's very, very terse. Like he expected it. mm-hmm. He's very, very terse. Like he expected it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. What's the matter?

He says things like, what's the matter? You're probably going to fire me. Yeah. Nobody's firing me. What, are you going to break up? You're going to break up with me? You don't even work here. Yeah, well, you're not even going to fucking hire me then.

We're not hiring. Sir, and you're going to have to take your bike out of the Apple store. Okay. All right. Oh, sure. All right. I'll just take my black bike out of here. I'll drive it out of here.

Is there a jewelry store around here? Why? Nothing. Well, you probably think I'm going to fucking rob it. What if I do? He just keeps confessing. No, you can't do that. He's in a bandage store.

I don't need any then. The cops showed up. Hey, man, fuck you guys. We haven't even started yet. I started. Is there something you want to tell us? Yeah. Shut up.

I don't want to tell you. Look, I'm bleeding, okay? He, like, breaks down. When officers read him his Miranda rights, Williams said that he wanted a lawyer. He knows the drill. Yep. However.

I've always been more of a Carrie rights guy than a Miranda. Have you been more of a Carrie rights guy? Oh, hey. Stand up, you know. Thank you been more of a Carrie Wrights guy? Oh, hey. Stand up. Thank you, Randy. Took it for me. At Sklar Brothers. Send all criticism to at Sklar Brothers.

If you can't make a good Sex and the City joke around a bloody robber from a jewelry store, then you aren't doing your job in this world. Sex and the City, my favorite slot machine. Oh, really? True story. Yes. I love that one. All right, when officers- Those were loose slots on that show.

They were loose. Oh, yeah. Come on. And specifically the older ones. I think I'm a Charlotte. I think I'm a Charlotte. Are you a Charlotte? Yeah.

Come on, Dan. What are you, a Carrie? I'm a Mr. Big. Yeah, you are. Damn right. Yeah, I can't make up my mind. I've never seen the show. I want to be whatever John Corbett's character was. He was, I think.

He was cool, right? I think he was the voice of CVS. Insects in the City. When officers read him, this is fun. When officers read him as Miranda writes, Williams said he wanted a lawyer. However, he did make a point to ask the officers, what are you going to do with my bike? Well, we're certainly not going to arrive.

Do you think he also said a bike, though? Do you think he said best friend? What are you going to do with my best friend? What are you going to do with Steve? Who's Steve, sir? Did he help you break in? Don't fuck with me. I arrived on Steve.

Nobody knows Steve. Black Steve. Black Steve. Okay, that is irrelevant to us. What his color is. Did he help you rob the store? He got me here. He's my getaway.

He got me here. He says, it's in quotes, what are you going to do with my bike? And I'd be like, man, do you really care about the bike? Obviously, I'm asking about it. Referring to the bicycle that the burglar had leaned against the tree. So after he leaned against the tree, he left the bike. Why would he leave the bike? He's going to take great care to not leave it.

He threw jewelry into a bush. I know. That's the other thing. And he leaned a bike against the tree. Was this Arbor Day? And he destroyed. I mean, absolutely destroyed a front door. Yeah, it makes you seem like he just wanted to-

He decimated the front door. He just wanted to get arrested, right? Yeah, I don't- Or do you think once he bled everywhere, he's like, I don't even want the jewelry. Is this like a new form of self-cutting that we don't even understand? I don't think- Then I feel bad for him. I do too.

The truth of the matter is, and for real, I don't think he thought of the consequences. He didn't think this thing through at all. This wasn't like, I'm planning a jewel hunt. Like most people who are on Dumb People Town who think many steps ahead. I thought you were going to say most people who lean against the tree.

I literally thought that's what you were going to say. Most people who lean against a tree, those guys are thinking three or four steps ahead in their life. I want to know the tree story. Is the tree an accomplice? Dave, would you describe this as a jewel heist? I mean. Is there a heist element to any of this?

I think if anyone were to use the word heist about this, they should be fired from whatever job they have. Thank you. I do want to see a spinoff story, though, where it's Black, Bike, and Tree hanging out. Yeah. Black, Bike, and Tree have their own new life together. That could be a new... You talked to Jamie? He texted me.

Have you seen him lately? No, man. He leaned me up against his tree, and then I've just been hanging out. He's gone. I don't know where he is, man. He was pretty bloody when he left. Jamie Williams was being held at the Pinellas County Jail Tuesday

in lieu of a $5,000 bail. I'm going to ask you guys. $5,000 bail and he stole $10,000 worth of stuff. Is that weird? He came out ahead. Did he check the jewelry in in jail? In the little bag? I get this back, right?

Cool, you guys are officers. You're going to arrest me. I totally get that. If you could help me with this jugular problem I have. Can I swing by those bushes really quick? That's going to help me with bail. That's going to help me on bail. All right. I'm going to ask you guys. And second off, can I swing by those bushes really quick? That's going to help me with bail. That's going to help me on bail. All right.

I'm going to ask you guys, how old is Jamie Williams? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Sometimes you see the picture, Dave, and it doesn't tell the picture. Do you want to go first?

Yeah. I'll go first. Sure. I'm going to go Ben, Tig, or third. Ben, Tig, or third. Ben is first. Ben Schwartz. We've had people take over certain areas where, like, Tig was the first person to ever say

she wanted to go second. So that's now named after her. And then Ben Schwartz is like, well, I want the first spot named after me. It's still, it's out for debate right now. Ben, Tig, or third? Okay, well, I'll take Ben then. Okay, so how old is he? I'm going to go 34.

Okay. 34 years old. And has lived a rough life. I don't know. I think it seems fairly charmed. You think he's got soft hands? I think that he's lived a charmed enough life to have no idea what the consequences of any of that are. Yeah, I agree with that.

That's a fair assessment. He's not weathered. And his biggest worry is my bike. I don't know. I wanted some jewelry, and I don't know how my own body works. I don't know how a body bleeds. I saw something, and I wanted it, so I took it. I hate this bike.

I hate this stupid bike. Jay? Cry kid. Cry kid. I hate this bike. I hate this stupid bike. Jay? Karate Kid. Karate Kid. I want to say he's 37. Okay. 37 years old. I think he's 42.

This guy's going to be 16 or some shit. Nah. No way. You don't have bags like that. That's a Florida 16 right there. That's a Largo 16. What'd you say? You're talking about how hot he is, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 42, 37, 34. Okay. All right. Townies, get your answers in wherever you may be. Shout it at your earbuds. Because we're going to get out of here on this. Jamie Williams, the tree-leaning, black bike-owning,

bloody, front-door destroyer. We're reading it like Game of Thrones. Like, destroyer of doors. Leader of trees. Leader of trees. Arriver of bikes. Rider of black bikes. Arriver on bikes.

Yeah. Haver of sandals. House Williams. Don't forget the sandals. Red sandals. Redder of sandals. I keep forgetting his outfit, which is the best part. Sandals.

Well, who's the red woman? I mean, I feel like that's the biggest crime. The red queen who- Oh, yeah. Yeah. Miss Sandra? Yeah, like, this guy could fart out a smoke monster. Here we go.

Yeah, but you say that about a lot of people. He does. He really does. Okay. Jamie Williams is, what did you say? 34. 34 for James. 37.

37 for James. And I said 42. Okay. Jamie Williams is 31 years old. What? Dave Ross. Thank you. He looks terrible.

He looks terrible. Join the Facebook page to see what it is. 31. Unbelievable. Guys, thank you for joining us. Check out Dave Ross and Hampton Yonce podcast. Suicide Buddies. It's so good.

Thank you guys so much. Great podcast. Thanks for having me, too. Oh, man, I love having you on. Me, too. Just a note out to all of our listeners in the San Francisco area. On the 17th of August, get your tickets now. Let's sell this thing out at the Petaluma Festival in Petaluma.

It is going to be at the Mystic Theater, and we're doing a live Dumb People Town. You do not want to miss it. Get your stories ready. Come on down. Can't wait to see you. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker Down is Dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.