Dumb People Town - David Cross - Finish Me

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

David Cross sits in as Randy tells a story of a father/son Pokemon Go team turns to assault, Daniel describes an unusual robot, and Jason explains how a woman can control bees and so much more!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Vendors, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Bunker Downey's Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population U Population Cross David Cross, welcome to the show. Mr. David Cross. How are you? Is it just me or is it, am I the mayor and? Yes.

You are the comptroller. Okay. Interim. More of an interim. The alderman. Well, this is a return for you to the town. You have been here. The ex-checking.

The ex-checking. The ex-checking. I do like that. The bursar. No, you did this during the pandemic. You were in your audio studio. We zoomed it. It's so much more fun to be in person.

No, I disagree. You would rather be in the woods. You'd rather be at home. I would much rather be home. It's more fun for us. Are you kidding? We could come there. We're in Burbank.

We can put you in that studio over there if you want. That's not going to help. That doesn't help. He wants to be in his comfort. I want to be home. Okay, fair. 3,000 miles away. My question to you is,

do you believe that even in the time from when you did it in your comfortable confines of your home to here, that the world has gotten dumber in that small of a period of time? Have we accelerated how dumb it's become? Yeah, I don't think it's exponentially d i don't think it's exponentially dumber i think it's uh increasingly dumber i don't think it's uh smarter or more no we're on a rickety ramp of dumb yeah yeah we're like the roller coaster is lurching forward backyard ramp it's more of a backyard built like we built it yeah or a carny and the dumb is getting louder i feel

there is like that is the prevailing voice. I just, I think it's only louder because it's dumber, meaning there's more numbers. Yes, yes. I mean, you can hope for people dying off. I mean, I do on a daily basis. We do on a daily basis, too. People die.

Yeah, I just do. And maybe stop spawning, but you know. You can hope for people to be barren you know you can hope for um people to be barren and you can hope for people to die and with that let's jump into a first book i'll read a book yes i think the other two would happen those those are like more viable yeah yeah so shall we get into it let's do it we'll talk about dave's got a new uh stana special my friend derrick says hello oh thanks so much. Our mutual friend Derek. Yes, we'll tell Derek I said hello back.

I don't have to. You just did. Damn it. Very nice. Okay. That was very Derek. Now he has to listen. Now, Derek, you've got to listen to this.

You ready for this? Yes. Story number one comes to us from our hometown of St. Louis, Missouri. St. Louis father and son Pokemon Go team. I didn't even know that was a thing. You can be a team with... I don't even know that was the thing you can be a team with i didn't can you be sure you don't even know what pokemon go is explain it pokemon go augmented reality pokemon go is yes you you oh the initial thing where you see you put on the or you have your phone and then you

phone and then they pop up wherever you are that's how it started right right and you and you flip a little ball to catch it and you go to certain places slower as though you don't know exactly how this works and i like that people were all i did it hey hey i think it's a pretty cool thing i mean anything that gets people out and around i'm happy for i remember i think i was on tour when that first started getting happening and i didn't know why people were like giggling and and there'd be like four or five six people and they'd have their phones and then i it was happening so frequently and then i was like what's going on and also i kind of quickly sussed out like oh this is a it's a game culture i don't know if it was a game but it was something like that and then somebody explained it and i was

like that sounds pretty cool oh it's any sort of like role-playing game or i think it's just the concept of everybody it's like a scavenger hunt right total scavenger hunt and my son was way way into it like super into it we would go to the santa monica pier all the time which i would never go to the santa monica pier but that was a pokemon go hot spot right you could just be catching left and right. And I love that you could have been a father and son team with your son here. Probably not because I'm terrible. But you were a team. If that's the way, though, you're identified in a newspaper article

that you are a father and son Pokemon Go team, that's the first way they identify you. Well, just in the nature of doing it, you're a trainer. You have your Pokemon. You train them. I was a driver. Now, how, and I say this, I'm not trying to be funny, just complete ignorance. But how does it, how do you, is it a matter of like the amount of things you catch or do they have values or what?

They each have values. Definitely have values. These are all great questions. Great questions. And I would hate for you to try to be funny on this podcast. great questions great questions and i would hate for you to try to be funny on this podcast but they are little each one the rarity of the of the pokemon they're kind of like nfts it's basically like an nf so if it's so i would assume that not everybody can see the same otherwise you would follow other people and just go there it is is. So everyone can see the same. They all are finding the same in each location.

So why don't the people program into each location certain ones at certain times? So once the 50 get found in this area, people can still, if you go to that area, you can get it, getting it, getting it. But once you get it, I think in your your game then you can't get it again wouldn't there be almost like a like a a walkthrough for a game you'd play you know on on xbox playstation or something wouldn't there be like a list you just go on the internet and go oh there's 14 over here at the pier and you go underneath and go there's a hamburger and then they have gyms where you can the ones that you've caught and you've trained and built up to like higher levels. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's a gym? So like, this is like modern slavery? So like the house across the street could be designated in maps to be a gym. Just that location. Yeah, a gym. So you train them to. Well, once you go to the gym, then you fight the ones you've trained against other people. Oh, this is so far beyond.

And you can level up. It's deep's deep no it's a whole world it is an entire world that you are training cute little things are building up like solid mass muscle and learning taekwondo and learning to it's like futuristic japanese cockfighting you're raising a tiny little fighting to fight in the background that was part of it yeah it's all that was a cute thing you did with your kid. Well, father and son, Pokemon Go team, catches assault convictions. Oh, my God. So they got in a real fight with people over Pokemon Go.

We're going to get into it. Sent in by Professor Demerita at Anne C. McCarthy. Thank you, Anne. This is maybe the first time this person's said this. Hello, Anne. Welcome. OK, so this takes place, like we said, in St. Louis. So we kind of know some of the areas where it went down.

All right. Kirkwood. I'm sorry to interrupt. Other people are listening and watching this. This is not just the four of us. Oh, other people will. No. Not live, but they will eventually.

No, but. Yeah. Yeah. So people listen to this. To our podcast? Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. Just three dumb news stories That are comedically broken down I love how surprised I was Now I'm curious What you thought it was The first time

Meaning this isn't just for us This isn't just for the four of us Other people are Strangers People you haven't I love that you would have Just done it If it was just the four of us

With microphones Out here Yeah With microphones Out here So I promote I'm promoting my Newsstand special

To three people at a time very political door-to-door it's very guys who would have bought it and watched it and we would have done it anyway but you just you didn't have to come here and we're already fans before you got our vote school man i'm doing it in person knocking doors knocking on doors pressing the flesh so the best part about this and we'll guess this later is how old these people are the father and son father and son i say father and son you get an image in your mind and we'll guess this later, is how old these people are. The father and son. The father and son. I say father and son. You get an image in your mind, and we'll want to say 80 and 60. Okay, fine.

Convicted Wednesday of beating up a Pokemon competitor in a brawl that all landed in the lake in Kirkwood Park. Now, we've been to Kirkwood. It's a nice part of St. Louis. They would have a pumpkin patch around Halloween. You're saying it's upper middle class folks, probably. I mean, it's yeah, it's like a cute, quaint

little area. It's like old St. Louis. So white. Very white. Very white. Yes. Circle square. St. Louis County jury found Robert Matuizzi and his son Angelo Matuizzi, who we're

going to find out how they are, guilty of felony of third degree assault. All right? Wait, you just told me that there isn't a finite supply, that if you get your thing, you've got your thing. So these guys might not know how it works. You guys explain how it

works. More than a day of testimony reveal, more than a day of testimony revealed. More than a day of testimony. Meanwhile, someone out there who is an enormous Pokemon Go fan, them having to listen to us fumble through the realities of it, the worst they are, losing their minds right now. It's Jason, if you want to point fingers. It's me. Randy had nothing to do with it.

More than a day of testimony. So whatever happened revealed in all the testimony a long-running virtual feud between two teams. So this is something that bubbled over before. So these two have gotten into it. Teams. They might fight at the gym. Teams of Pokemon Go players turned into a real-life battle captured on video in June of 2018. It's now coming to light right now.

At issue in the fight, one Pokemon gym. You are right. See? This is at issue. Pokemon Go is an augmented reality smartphone game that allows users to hunt, capture, and do battle with virtual monsters by visiting real-life locations. Busy places like Kirkwood Park become coveted hotspots

known as gyms that teams can claim. Dan, you did a wonderful job of explaining this. I just did that one part. The Matusis were on one. Wait a minute. Back up for a second. Sure. Again, I'm being serious. Please. So, an area can be claimed as a gym, which means nobody else can

claim it. Well, the programmers designate which areas are gyms. Is a gym and which is safe zone. Yes. Where somebody can't fight with you. If you're in the gym, somebody could challenge you and your Pokemon to a fight. And a gym can be the Dunkin' Donuts. That's right.

Precisely. I got you. I got you. In this case, Kirkland Park. So was the issue that they were in the safe zone and somebody said, uh-huh. We're going to find out. All right.

The issue could have been that they're just crazy hotheads who are like, this is where we're playing. This're not a good game for people who have short tempers the matusis were on one team vying for the park while the victim who went by the gaming name of sammy the bull was on another a mafia famous sammy the bull gravano man right a mafia hitman. That's his intimidation level. That is a pretty bold stance. Excuse me. It is Sammy the Bull. The victim testified that an argument over the right to claim the gym escalated when the younger Matusi.

Because I think if you win the gym, it's your gym. And then when other people come to the gym, they get challenged. I see. Now this is starting to make more sense. And then when other people come to the gym, they can challenge you. I see. Now, this is starting to make more sense. Escalated when the younger Matusi started punching him, sparking a brawl that caused both of them to fall into about how many feet into Walker Lake in the park?

Take a guess as to how many feet. How far down they fell into this lake. Why is this a dock? I'm going to go nine inches. Nine inches. I love it. What do you think? Ten feet.

What do you think? Like 18 feet. I think they went way down. Is there a bridge? I don't know. They just, they fell, get your answers in, Tony. They fell about five feet into the walkway. The elder Matusi then jumped in after his son.

Like you saw the video of the guy whose puppy got eaten by an alligator or like, and he's in there fighting. This is what this guy did. He saw his son go down. I mean, what we wouldn't do for our kids we did an adult man fight his son or i'll just you've got to wait we'll get to the ages how does it should we just shut up and let you read the whole thing no no no go ahead and say no but do you want to get interrupting our interruption do you want to guess the ages right now or i was going to wait until i don't care i mean whatever you want man

i'm with jason on the old like the shockingly older side okay so let's let's guess the ages right now let's do it right now i told you what how do you think the dad is and how do you think the kid is going 80 60 and i want that 80 60 i know that's wrong i know that's wrong i'm gonna go 14 and 44 1444 what do you think it is I'm gonna go I'm gonna go 18 and 6 18 and 39 1839 get your answers in

because the father is 75 years old and the son Angelo is 35 years old that's it 75 and 35 wait that 75 year old man jumped in the lake after his son first of all kudos to him son help me now i'm in trouble oh we're in a rip We're in a rip It's a lake This is a guy who waited

Until he was 40 To have a child So yeah His son is 35 Yeah So prosecutors Andrew Could have been his ninth

He could have been his True too He just wanted to do something With his son This is the one child He couldn't bond with That's right All the other nine

He could connect with Prosecutors Andrew Wren And Joanna Brueggemann Played jurors of video Capturing the fight in the lake Showing both Matusis Reportedly Repeatedly Punching the victim with prosecutors and Andrew Wren and Joanna Brueggemann played jurors of video capturing the fight in the lake, showing both Matuzzi's reportedly repeatedly punching the victim and holding the man down in the water. Wait, so they're all in the water.

Now everybody's fighting. Oh my God. The footage was taken by a man. Son of a, now you got to deal with two Matuzzi's. Matuzzi's does sound like a hockey family, like the Matuzzi's. They're all in a shirt over his head and start punching him. And so the man who is taking the footage doesn't stop shooting the footage, just says, shouts, get away from each other right now.

Did it work? Did that work? That usually works. A younger voice can be heard saying, dad, don't get involved. So the person who's filming is with his son. And his son is there and his Pokemon go filming. They cut the thing off before the kid said, now's our chance to get the gym. While these idiots are fighting, let's go get the gym.

Unless they're in a Pokemon go filming league. The fight ended when the bystander finally ran over to the men and forced them to separate. So he had the power to do this all along, but just wanted to film it all. Sometimes you don't know you have the power within you until you're in it. Right. I mean, maybe he found the power of whatever Pokemon he has found. A Phil Collins in the air tonight. Right.

Remember he watched some other guy watch some guy drown. Which means that he watched him drown too. You watched a guy drown. If you watched another guy watch a guy drown. You watched a guy drown. Yeah, but his focus was on the other guy. I'm not kink shaming. You get off how you get off. Whatever.

If Phil wants to spank it, well, that's up to him. Another person watched someone drown, then, you know, look, you do what you gotta do. The victim was left with some facial abrasions, some traumatic eye injury, broken fingertip, broken fingertip.

That hurts. And a detached fingernail. Did that need to be reported in this thing? That's the thing where you're like, you don't have to report the detached fingernail. That's what the cop looks at you and goes, why don't we just round down? Fingertip is good. We don't have to get into the fingertip sounded so let's just blanket it go finger injury i didn't know covers everything

i didn't why do you don't have to put scratch my tushy you don't please i have it's fine a tiny tushy scratch both of them testified in their own defense on the trial the defense attorney jeffrey rath dave rath's brother maybe, I don't know, argued that they are not the aggressors in the melee. I didn't want to be in the water, the father, Robert Matusi, told the jury. I didn't want this kid. Don't say that. That's a bad. When prosecutors remind him that he jumped in to join his son, he replied, this happened a couple of years ago, he's 75 now.

When you're 71 and you get punched in the head, you don't know what you're doing. It's a great quote. I mean, that's true of any age group. You should sue Nintendo. Right, right. Whoever is doing that. Who is Pokemon? They make it too good.

You want it. You need the gym. They're making me love it too much. He admitted on the stand that he did hold the victim's head underwater So this to me is like So I did you know I held him underwater Obviously I was trying to drown him He said and this was his defense

I just wanted to dunk him That's what he said That's a fun dunk We've all had fun dunks You know when you dunk someone And you wait for their final bubble to come up? We would have chicken fought. We're already a team.

Teams are established. I love the son Angelo Mattuzzi testified that he never wanted to fight. I was just trying to put my Pokemon in the gym, he testified to a bunch of jurors who were like, we've never heard of this shit. What the fuck are you talking about? No clue what you're doing. She was trying to put him in the gym. He later reflected, it was Father's Day.

It was Father's Day. That's what you do. You take your dad out for a Pokemon. For a fight. For a fight. In a lake. Down at the lake. No, wait, wait, wait.

Did we find out the ages of the other people who are fighting? We have not yet, and I don't know if I ever get those. Dave, you make such a great point. Because I would love it if it's like a 35-year-old guy and a 9-year-old kid. That would really make it a much different scenario. The 9-year-old kid is just... I was giving him a dunk. Kid needed a little dunk.

But you're so right. On Father's Day for the 35-year-old son to make the 75-year-old go to a park while he sits on a phone and just does this. Also, like the other father and son who's filming it. Don't forget, it's St. Louis. I mean, there's almost nothing good about St. Louis or the people it attracts. I've been there several times there's nothing that is our hometown but i can't really argue we did we did we did we did we left for a reason fair enough i can't argue about the kirkwood area my hometown has everything i want except a

reason this is probably a great time to mention guys that uh that... You'll be in St. Louis. I'll be in St. Louis. At the pageant theater. At the pageant theater, I will. Part of my worst daddy in the world tour. Oh, nice. And by the way, that is a Pokemon gym. And the back of the bar area of the pageant is an actual Pokemon gym. I can't wait.

So I'll set it up. Police fights are going. Go to officialdavidcross.com. Yes. You get all the... All the Pokemon information. Yeah. Well, I'm going to attach that now to the tour. Now that you've mentioned it, I've learned about this.

So all the list of cities there where I'll be performing, starting on March 2nd in Portland, and I'll get all the Pokemon gym avails. So St. Louis, as a city, I know we have some St. Louis fans, you now have something to prove to David Cross. That's right. You show up at that pageant show and you be the best damn audience. You can yell at me. It's fine.

I don't want you to yell. I don't know if you do meet and greets, but I hope the Matuzis show up. I will be doing a meet and greet. There you go. I am. Matuzis better fucking be there. The guy pulling up in a wheelchair. How about the bystander who broke up the fight Two of the victims former Pokemon Go

Free tickets for him and his An emergency department doctor And a Kirkwood police officer all testified For the prosecution This is clear Another member of the Matusi family testified For the defense about a previous run in Between two Pokemon Go teams.

So this has been... They're saying it's endemic to the game. Or it reached at that area. So this is when the incident originally happened. It made the Fresno Bee. It even made that newspaper. The jury recommended Fresno Bee. So now Fresno is aware of this?

Fresno is now in... What has Fresno done with this information? Well, I think Fresno is more of this fresno is now what is fresno done with this information i think fresno is more like hey it's not just us all right hey guys i know we're bad but guys what's going on in kirkwood uh i'll do it too the matusi brothers and see what their uh business is m-a-t-t-e-u-z-I. To me, and I know this sounds ridiculous, but I would love it if they sold jacuzzis. That's just me. And they were forced into it by the rhyme.

You didn't want to do it. We don't even know what we're doing. We had to. We don't know how to install these things, but we are forced by rhyming law. We don't have enough. So how many days was the recommended sentence that the jury gave to Robert Matusi? How many days in jail did they recommend? Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. Criminally. 60 days. I'll say 30 days. I was going to say 60. What are we guessing? How many days did the jury recommend?

What was the sentence they recommended that he spent in jail for this fight? He said 60, I said 30. Can I remind you that it was just a dunk? It was a minor dunk with the hope that he stopped breathing underwater. That's all it was. An inner dunk that he could close his trachea.

It's really not that bad. I have a picture of the Matuzis. they are everything you would want to see let's see them i gotta see them david i'm gonna show you first because i want you to run the farthest with us the matoozy jacuzzis right look at that hair on that guy also i just love that that guy was out there that he was forced to be a part yeah you love that the who the older guy the younger guy the younger guy the younger guy the older guy they're both in an unreleased season of fargo right and the guy on the left does look like the dad does look like he has made his hair a wig out of his oh the other hair that fell out out of his own hair. Oh, the other hair that fell out.

Out of his own hair. He has a jacket for a place he doesn't work at anymore. And I'll tell you what, jacuzzi salesman not far off. No. By the way, and you just flashed that picture quickly. I can't even tell you who's the older one. That is what's interesting about them. That's a 75-year-old man with blonde hair.

That guy will sit when he gets a few drinks in and just bitch about how porn isn't the same anymore. Yeah, for sure. You know? Yeah. I mean, I love the old days. Where's the story? Where's the story? Why is everyone, you know, why is everyone... I don't need the

goddamn story. Too much story. Too much story. I'm gonna tell you know, why is everyone... I don't need the goddamn story. Too much story. Too much story. I'm going to tell you this. Razors ruined porn. I don't need an exterior shot of a building. We don't need to establish geography. I don't need to know that they're in the art studio. I don't even need music.

Or the opposite. No, I need to know they're in the art studio. What the fuck are they? I've lost all perspective. I need to know. They're in the art studio. What the fuck are they? I've lost all perspective. I don't know who she is. Who is this character now? How long has this person even been their stepdad?

Did they know each other before? Is that a real business? Born today. The man is that boy. I missed the music. 60 days, 30 days, Dan, how much? 20, I said. 20 days.

Okay, the answer, they recommended that he be in jail for three days. Either way, Father's Day is ruined. Grown men, quote, including a man in his 70s coming to blows over a child's game that they're playing is ridiculous. But there was nothing funny about the injuries sustained. I love that they're like, before you make a joke. It's funny that these guys are fighting. Obviously so humorous that you're all going to want to do this. But nothing's funny about someone who could have drowned, which actually is true.

I think three days is a bit. Short. Yeah, that's short. But this is what the prosecutor said. I thank this jury for reminding the Matusis and our community that our parks are for play and relaxation, not violence. Was that their point? I don't know if the jury set out to do that. We're here to make these parks.

I think the thing just happened spontaneously. There you go. So that's what it is. That is story number one down in the books. Dan, I think you're second. I think I am. You're next. When we come back, we will tell you guys how you can get David's new special.

And you will get it. You will take a break right now, and you will then download it. We're going to get tickets. No, I'm going out on the road. Well, the tour. But also your special, your most recent special. Well, you could if you wanted to, sure. That's on the website too, but that's older.

Okay, it's older. I'm more concerned with the tour. Worst Daddy in the World tour. Yeah, it's fine. We'll talk about that on the other side of the break. David Cross is with us. It's Dumb People Talk. Stick around. Look us us down there's more

hey guys welcome back to the show uh before we get to uh the only thing we're going to talk about david which is his last special we are the only thing else to focus on that we need to say simply just talk about the last one march uh we will talk about his new tour. But speaking of tours, we are going to be in a couple places. Yes. If this comes up, I believe, if this drops before March.

You guys are jumping. Oh, no. We're jumping the gun. Yeah. Because you're the most important thing. Not jumping over.

No, we open and then we build. We open. Always continuing to listen to the podcast going, when is David Cross's dates? March 2nd. Are you going to go through every date? Nope. Please continue to listen to the podcast going, when is David Cross's dates? March 2nd.

Are you going to go through every date? Nope. I wanted to. I'll just tell you when it starts and where to go. All right. Let's start with you then. Portland, March 2nd. Who's going to listen to us?

Thank you. St. Louis will be in there on this tour. Yes, I will be in St. Louis. And this is Worst Daddy in the World Tour. How many dates are you doing? There's going to be three legs. First leg, which is up there, is 40 American cities, a couple Canadian. Then the second leg will be announced probably when this, do you say airs anymore?

Drops. Airs. Whatever. And there'll be three legs eventually. And there'll be more of a... I'll do Europe, but more of Canada. I'm only doing three cities in Canada right now in this first leg,

but I'll do... More? I'll get to Winnipeg and Regina and Edmonton and the fun stuff, and then more American dates, etc., etc. Great. OfficialDavidCross.com. Hardest I ever laughed at a comedy special was yours. The last one?

No. Years and years ago. The Mother Mary raped me. Oh, my God. That's a first one. Yeah. I think that's the first one. It's the hardest I ever laughed at a comedy special.

But yeah, so go see David Cross, everybody. The website is? OfficialDavidCross.com. Wonderful. See which is the city near you and then go. We have been on the road A little bit And doing dates and stuff

And I am Actually really enjoy I feel like there's a sense Of enjoyment From the audience Just to be out At shows right now So you're looking

For stuff to do Please come see our Five experiences I think that's what we Missed a ton In the last few years Yeah And David

When was the last time Y'all went on the road So They've been going on We've been going back out But not We don't go I guess I missed a ton in the last few years and yeah and what was the last time y'all went on the road so they've been going we've been going back out but not we don't go i guess i what was the break when covid hit what was your i did end of 2021 and then omicron delta fucked me for four months and then i went back out i had it i was about to go on tour which event which resulted in the last special the i'm from the future but i was going to go on tour with that set and Delta Omnicrom. Just screwed it.

It shut me down from November to March. And then I started. And even if you're, that was, that was exactly, I had, I was set to go out, I think in October and had to cancel.

I've never done it. We were on the, we were in Madison, Wisconsin when the world shut down, we were literally in Madison, March, March night on down. We were literally in Madison on that Thursday. March night on a Thursday night. And then on Friday, they were like, I don't think we can do these shows. We're like, all right, let's hop on a plane and head back.

And we didn't do anything for another year and a half. And then we've recently started going like, we go once a month. But you guys did that great little run in Alaska. And you know what? I think what everybody's been waiting for is what do you guys have coming up next? Oh, with us? Yeah. At the end of March, we're going to be at the Stand Up Live in Phoenix.

And we're going to all be together at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, which we've done with you before. It's so much fun. I remember a wonderful time registering people to vote with you. That's right. That was awesome. That was really fun. That was great. We did some good work. And we ended up uh what was the barbie uh lit lit barbecue or was that where

we went no it was it we it was like a outdoor slightly outside of the city a little you know slightly uh and there's like food trucks it was like not lemoyne there's something in it was so good it was amazing. It was so good. I remember that. That was awesome. Good times. So we'll be there for that.

I feel bad that I can't remember the name of it. Somebody will tell us. There's probably a Pokemon gym there. And someone is shouting at their thing. Yeah. Someone's getting into a fight or at a thing. No. So we'll be there in April and then Minneapolis.

Then we're going back up to Alaska. We had such a good time. That was really fun. Just more dates, like superschoolers.com. We sort of are spacing them out. Maybe going back to Ann Arbor in the fall. We'll put them all in there. DanielVanKirk.com.

DanielVanKirk.com. Come see my show monthly in Houston or here in town or Moon Tower. Great. Do it. Okay. Here we go. Yes. This was sent in by Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen.

SheBeCarleen. What a lovely name. Here's a headline, friends. Man upgrades first ever voice controlled blowjob machine activated by the words finish me. That's. I mean, this is a long time coming. Look. This is a long time coming.

Not many days it doesn't get brought up, but this does sound like a pitch for a Mr. Show sketch. Now, you have to go back and say, so a guy, read it again. Man upgrades first ever voice controlled blowjob machine activated by the words finish me. So is the upgrade the voice activation? Yes. You just have to push a button.

Upgrade is, I mean, that's loosely applied here. It's going to do the thing. What does it do once you go finish me? What does it change? It goes faster. Sometimes that's not better. Maybe it looks you in the eyes. Is there a, not so quickly, like you want to tell it.

I mean, Finish Me is a little, this is some weird Mortal Kombat ending. Finish Me does, is what could have been said in the first story. If you were, I don't, you know, it could be your wife. I don't know. I've never been married, but long-term relationship or new. And if you said to a person during any sort of oral pleasure, Finish me. Finish me. That's a red flag.

Yeah, pejorative. Unless it's into your kink. Not to shame. Not to, exactly. Also, like, who's saying, like, hey, Dave, I really love your blowjob machine. If it just had a voice command that could have ended it. It seems really hard to go push that button. Are you up for some unsolicited notes?

Yeah, just a couple notes um loved it uh came a bunch uh that was nice um and i learned a bunch of things too but myself one one note uh i kept saying finish me and that didn't have any effect. I wanted it to finish me. It was negligible if there wasn't. At all. And I kept saying finish me. And then I could sense that I was getting irritated, and I didn't want to offend the AI. You took me out of the moment.

And I was like, what are you? And I'm thinking, oh, wait, you didn't program it. It needs an upgrade. This is the issue with chat gpt it's the same thing it's never gonna get never gonna understand what we here we go the inventor of the world's first voice-controlled blowjob robot says he has upgraded his creation in protest at big tech companies auto wait this is a move of protest i don't know let me keep going auto blow ai auto auto blow ai a crowdfunded male sex toy why has now the people have spoken

now has quote a downloadable blow job library honey what are you giving money to again i'm an investor i yell way too loud i don't ask you what you spend your money on why is that okay he now has a downloadable blowjob library that gives users the ability to control their oral robotic experiences that's this is what we wanted at the beginning as well as controlling the speed of the robot with six voice commands, including a finish me mode. Users can now browse and visualize. When have you started?

When have you just, whatever this thing is, like a fleshlight or whatever, hooked up to a mic stand that's hooked up to a fucking generator. A generator. Okay, here we go. Finish me.

Jesus Christ. Too much. Too fast. Also, I would want to say, I don't know his name. I'll call him Kent. Also, I would be like, Kent, you know I love you. Your version of finish me is not my version. No, everybody's version is different.

I don't need a punch in the stomach no mine's a cup of tea yeah just need to be told i'm good enough yes um you want to take a gander at this guy yes is he holding the thing he's holding the auto blow and he's got one hand on the upgraded version of the auto blow. Okay. And the other one, Mary goes on. Does he look exactly like you? That is an insane. That is also the like, look, it won't. If it's just a robot,

we need to put, so there is a, describe it, please. It's a woman's head. Oh God, that's a bummer. It's on an, what is this? What can only be described as like a 7th grade AV cart.

Yeah, but with good materials there. It's got four wheels. It's a battle bot. And it's just like a mannequin head. Yes. Shaved, no hair. That's sticking out this very metallic robotic thing that is... Two arms forward and well it's from

the forearm they're they're on kind of uh flexible looks like bendable kind of uh metal and if you watch on youtube we will put this image up that is most of the arm that's that's just going back to one of the erector set beams and then the uh more of an erection sound and then the forearm and two hands and the head is on a pole yeah and then one of the arms is holding uh uh it looks like the kind of headphones that people who uh bring planes in and out yes yes or they put on babies at concerts yeah or they put on babies at concerts i mean it's that is fucking depressing it's insane like if you just saw that i was into it until you showed me the picture if you just saw that you'd be like what did that you have more notes you have more notes yeah

what did she do wrong that she's now with the head on as well as uh they can they can even activate the robot without speaking at all. Ooh. Wow. Just a look. Like pressing a button. I don't know. Yeah, exactly. Just like the old days. Just giving it a look. Remote control.

Here's a switch. You'll see two words. One is own, and the other is oof. And depending on which... You'd like to click. Another upgrade is the user-adjustable penis gripper designed to cater to the size diverse population. Isn't that everybody? He thought of everything.

Size diverse. Or isn't everybody size diverse? Not everybody is the right same size. Yes, of course. Yes. For a blow job? The robots. For the hand.

There's a gripper. There's a gripper. There's a second. But it was designed for the size. Diverse population. I don't know what that means. It just means it can have different levels of gripping. What a second. But it was designed for the size. Diverse population. I don't know what that means. It just means it can have different levels of gripping. Isn't everybody size diverse?

It is. What I'm getting stuck on is the idea that it was that the hand, meaning the mechanical hand job, is developed for different. Well, the user adjustable. So it's not a uniform. It used to be uniform and now you now it has changed the dress we've upgraded that too the robots creator brian sloan one letter away from alone brian sloan said these are accessible through a web app rather than an app store

in protest to big text censorship oh this is the protest he they won't let him put this app on to uh google play and the apple app store uh sloan said if we self-censor sexual language in order to reach people in apple and google's app stores we will only re-stigmatize the normal sexual behavior which millions of people have worked for dozens or even hundreds of years to know how many times has he started that speech at a party and everyone's like, uh-huh, I'm just going to go over here and get it. Brian, we know. Brian, that's so great.

Brian, we already invested. Yeah. Brian. We're the choir. I heard the toilet is running and I have to deal with it. We want your jack-off machine to work. It's not a jack-off machine. It's a blowjob machine.

He added, speaking is the main way we express our sexual needs to our partners. Is it? Is it? Is it? And I am working towards a feature where we will speak the same way to our sexual devices. So this guy's like a month away from a manifesto. Oh, yeah. This guy is.

So the last thing is where he's working on something where we will speak the same way. To our sexual devices. He's saying to our partners. To our partners in life. He wants us to be able to have that same. Finish me. Okay. Check that one.

That's done. Sloan graduated. So tomorrow, can you just pick up the kids and take them as you then reveal? Sloan graduated from law school in 2005, but quickly decided he had a brighter future in the field of masturbation tech. Sure. He currently holds seven patents in the field of sex robots, and his goal is to build an army.

I'm joking. A future. Isn't that everyone's goal who does that stuff? A future where, quote, oral sex performed on a man by a human is indistinguishable from an experience generated by his auto blow machine. Just say you loved judge dread demolition,

man, demolition, demolition. Just say you love that movie. Okay. We'll get out of here. You're not good at meeting women. People.

Yeah. I got a bad at that. Yeah. This is weird. Change your bio to must be willing to finish me. I don't know what it is. Every time I go out on a date uh within an hour of me mentioning that i'm making uh robotic blowjob machines they get wigged

out just chasing i can't find somebody i can't find my true love they start to clam up with every other person in the world except me everyone else is the asshole just putting an entire oyster into his mouth he's like you like to be finished okay finish me uh we'll get out of here on this for fun how much does the auto blow ai plus cost if you retail yes what is the retail price i mean now that you showed me the if i if i hadn't seen that picture yeah now we're getting into david now we're getting into in a sense a little bit what would you think right yeah for a blow job you know what the worst part is her face the problem with this she doesn't seem happy about this. Unamused by the situation. She's literally nonplussed.

She looks like the dude. She did a little version of the dude. Without a goatee. Are you breaking down the cost? The problem with this cart is that if you really love it, if it really does need... It will come?

You've got to take it with you. What luggage does it fold down Like once you go to a hotel It doesn't fold down So you gotta roll that thing along the Halls of a hotel with you So it looks like you would have to stand Yeah no you have to stand

Well it's gonna take something away from it How much do you think this costs Anybody wanna go I'll go $4,000 $4,000 retail price You can go last I'm go. $4,000. $4,000 retail price. That's four grand. I don't even know. Okay. You can go last, David.

I'm going to say $7,800. $7,800. I'll go $812.72. The retail cost on the Autoblow AI Plus, you're never too early to shop for Christmas, is $299 david was right yeah i felt like you were gonna be around this is a this is a fuck you to big tech he's trying to make this affordable point that we all guys everybody can get finished the regular guy on

the street the price of the blowjob has gone way up we need to to democratize it. We need to stick it to the man and then finish me. Alright, here's the last story that we'll get to in a second. Just give us a little tease. A woman who fights the cops in a very unconventional way. Okay. Good. I love it. Does she use a blowjob machine? Maybe. Does she say finish me? We'll find out right

after this break. David Cross is with us. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound.. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to DPT. That's Dumb People Town.

Maybe you're listening to this after you've bought tickets to see David Cross on his new tour. Maybe that's part of this experience. I hope so. Official David Cross. You're probably using a device that can get you those tickets right now. Yeah. Pick them up. Go see them if you want to see a great live stand-up show. Are you ready for my final story for this damn

thing before I have to pick up my son from basketball practice? Let's do it. Sure. Woman accused of unleashing bees on deputies serving an eviction notice in Massachusetts. I saw that headline. I didn't read the story, but I saw it on my.

Now you're going to get to. So she has an army. She's amassing bees to be like, if anybody messes with me, I'm the queen. I'm going to shake. It's like Rushmore. Yeah, it is like Rushmore. This is sent by Nick. Official parody at Nick Depp.

Thanks, Nick. Here we go. Thanks, buddy. All right, here we go. This was sent in a ton to us okay uh a massachusetts woman is facing multiple assault and battery charges for allegedly releasing a swarm of bees on a group of sheriff's deputies some of them is it wrong for me to have wanted all the bees to be in the shape of an arrow yes going at them you get in the arrow

and then look so at some point though does she is she responsible for these bees doing hey the cops wouldn't have gotten stung if they would have just complied okay all right so but the once she shakes the hive the bees have a mind of their own that's right it's a hive yeah they're gonna come for her too so she released them from a hive well i think she has them maybe and i'm gonna assume in like an old tupperware tin i don't think she's from a hive. Well, I think she has them maybe, and I'm going to assume in like an old Tupperware tin. I don't think she's got a hive. She just opens them up. This is a woman who keeps them.

She's got a beekeeper box. She's got it. Wait, so she's got to have a soldier's can. That makes kind of a difference whether she was running around in a circle comically trying to avoid the cops and then, you know, hit the thing with a stick. Or was she, was it like an apiary? Is that it? An apiary? An apiary is a, that's a bird thing, right?

I like it. I'm going with apiary. I think apiary is bees. And then maybe she had an apiary because she was a witch, but the good kind of witch, and then she made her own honey. Yes. Her name is Rory S. Woods. Rory Scovel.

Pleaded not guilty at her arraignment on October 12th in Springfield District Court. So in her brain, this is how it all goes down. You're going to mess with me? I release the bees. Yeah. Her lawyer did not immediately respond to a voicemail left by the Associated Press.

Which means he doesn't believe her. He is not on her side. Nope. When you don't answer the voicemail from the Associated Press. If you believe that your client is completely, you answer every voicemail. And if you're a lawyer, I mean, that's free publicity. But you're so off this woman that you're like, I don't even want people to know. I don't want to answer any voicemails.

The Hampton County Sheriff's Department deputies went to a home on Long Meadow in the morning of October 12th and were met by protesters, according to the official department report. Woods, who lives in Hadley, soon arrived in an SUV, towing a trailer carrying beehives. Okay, so she's got them with her. She came to fight. She brought it, premeditated. Beforethought malice.

Right. Premeditation. He's to a fist fight. That's right. The report said she started shaking the hives, broke the cover off one, causing hundreds of bees to swarm out and initially sting one deputy. How do they know? How do they know who's the bad?

What about the protesters? Even bees know cops are bad. That's right. Even the bees know. Even the bees. Woods, who put on a beekeeper suit to protect herself. She came prepared. This is premeditated.

This is why these lawyers are not answering voicemails. Why would she plead not guilty? This was eventually handcuffed, but not before several more Sheriff's Department employees were stung, including three who were allergic to the bees, the report said. When Woods was told that several officers were allergic to the bees, she said, oh, you're allergic?

Good. That was her quote. Wow. That's a pretty good quote. I mean, what do you're allergic? Good. Wow. That was her quote. Wow. She doesn't care. That's a pretty good quote. She's not fucking around. No, she's not fucking around. I mean, what do you do, though? She clearly did something wrong. No, no.

She showed up to a protest, I think, where she knew the cops. Trailer full of bees does sound like a scot band. She knew the cops were going to come to shut this protest down and brought a bunch of bees. And again, put all the protesters who she's on their side in danger. Well, apparently they just stung the cops. Maybe they were trained. Maybe it's like a Ben Willard situation. Yeah, it's like we've...

Yes. Ben, the two of us need look no more. We need bees no more. That is really beautiful. Like an angel. Hampton County Sheriff Nick Coochie said Woods could have faced more serious charges if anything worse had happened to those stung. Yeah, I think that's why she chose bees. Right.

We had one staff member go to the hospital and luckily he was all right, said Coochie. We will get out of here on this. Okay. Wrap up the show. It's good. It is Coochie. Excuse me. How old is Rory S. Woods?

It is Gucci. I'm sorry. Excuse me. How old is Rory S. Woods, the woman who drove a truck of bees, premeditated, put on a suit, put them in the shape of an arrow, and attacked the cops? I mean, as she's putting the bees thing in the trailer together, she's definitely saying the phrase, gonna tell me. Gonna tell me what to do. Tell me I can't come to a protest.

Gonna tell me. I'm gonna jump in and go 53 years old. 53, Daniel says. She's says kind of a carol baskin type of yes she's baskin-esque yeah i'm gonna go 55 i'm gonna go i think she's an older gal too i think she's 64 64 one of you is exactly right wow so now we get to play the game who do you think is right you're gonna stay on 55 stay on? Stay on 54. I'm staying on 53. I feel strong about it. I'm staying on 64.

Okay. I'll switch over to 53. You're going to switch to 53. Okay. Get your answers in. Go get tickets to see David. He's really one of the best stand-ups in the world. He's someone we've loved forever,

and we're friends with him, and that means a lot to us. And so please go support him any way you can. Thank you for being here with us on this show. And the answer is Rory S. Woods. I wish you would have stayed, Dave. 55 years old. 55-year-old woman.

I didn't have self-confidence. Come on. Old enough to know better. 55. All right, there you go. That's the show. That's the show. We love you guys.

Thanks so much. And oh, shit, we've got to get back to work, gang. Enough to know better. 55. All right. There you go. That's a show. That's a show. We love you guys. Thanks so much. And oh, shit. We got to get back to work, gang.