Dumb People Town - David Huntsberger - You Don't Mow My Grass

Episode Date: May 25, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by David Huntsberger (The Space Cave) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a man is arrested for drunk driving a lawn mower.

Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of

Dumb People Town Population you, population Huntsberger David Huntsberger. David Huntsberger. Good to be visiting the town. It is nice to have you in town. That's a record. That is a Johnny Carson appearance record.

It's weird. It's nice to be in this quaint little town. That is weird that Huntsberger's already in here. Dude, you have a long storied history with us and this podcast. And you've filled in for Van Kirk when it was Sklarbro County running game. It is so nice to have you back here because your analytical mind is perfect for sort of breaking down that which we sort of know to be true right now, which is the world is getting dumber. Do you believe that? Is there an assault on smart?

sort of know to be true right now, which is the world is getting dumber. Do you believe that? Is there an assault on smart? I read the book Abundance that talks about how we'll save ourselves. And I do think collectively people's ability to succeed in any world they're put in, meaning before you had to know what was

poisonous or you would die. And now you've got to just know how to take your phone out of your pocket and search for things. So we're limited on the traditional intelligence needed. We're just zeroing it down to what we really know. And I think there is, when you do limit those other things, dumb behavior is allowed to fester. Oh, man. Yeah.

And we're so good at taking care of our absolute dumbest. Every day people should die. And we put up guardrails and we cover up manholes. Let them go. Let them just walk right into it. Was that Thomas Malthusian theory is natural levelers that get rid of the weak or get rid of the dumb and maybe we need some natural

levelers. As much as everybody's sad to see that gazelle get killed, the herd is stronger because that gazelle is gone. Because it was slower or ill or whatever, there was a reason that that's the one the lion caught.

Here's a story that I think summarizes how maybe it should be, and it's brutal to watch. These wolves are circling all these buffalo, and the buffalo hold steady in a group. And you can tell the older ones, like, just stay here. As long as we're a a group they'll just keep circling they'll go away but some of the younger ones panic like I think we can outrun them so they take off and you see two or three of the old ones just sit there in the center like you motherfuckers that's right and they take off

running and like 10 or 12 of them join and pretty soon the whole herd is stretched out and now this one in the back gets picked off by a few wolves. Here comes one of the older ones just passing by like, you're on your own. Here comes another one passing by, you're on your own.

And then the third old one passes him and knocks over that buffalo. Just like, here, let's make it easier on the wolves. Get it over with.

You got the one you wanted and goes and joins the rest of the herd. It was so brutal. I don't know if you're describing a scene from the Animal Kingdom or Spring Break on South Padre Island.

Both. Could bere Island. Both. Could be the same. Both. It is one and the same. Well, Daniel, we've got a story sent to us by our lovely people. And our fans out there, we haven't heard it. David hasn't heard it. So let's get to it.

All right. This was sent in by Joe Berryhill, B-A-R-R-Y-H-I-L-L at shiz underscore Maldonado. Shiz Maldonado. Yeah. S-H-I-Z underscore. And Maldonado. Common spelling on Maldonado. Thank you.

The one that we all know and love. Joe Berryhill, thanks for sending this in. You can do what Joe did by hashtagging any story you think would be great for this. Hashtag Dumb People town at Daniel Van Kirk. I can save you time by saying don't hurt kids. Don't be creeping out on people and don't hurt animals. And don't die. Yeah, in the stories.

And in your life. Yeah, you shouldn't do that in general. But don't send stories where people have done that. Unless you're a buffalo. Makes it seem like such a weird listener base. And guys, don't hurt animals. Just a reminder. Please, everybody. Remind yourselves. And guys, don't hurt animals. Just a reminder. Please, everybody, remind yourselves not to do this.

Periodically. That's going to be my new sign-off on my voicemail. Don't hurt animals. You've reached Daniel Van Kirk. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Please don't hurt animals. There you go. Here we go.

Franklin, Indiana. A Franklin man was arrested. There's probably somebody named Franklin man, right? Oh. Franklin man. Yeah. A Franklin man was arrested Saturday for driving. A Franklin man is one of the many. Abraham Franklin man.

Abraham Franklin man. Abraham Franklin man. Nope. Does whatever he can. Does whatever he can. Does whatever he can't can. He just wants to be in the jail cell where it happens. A Franklin man was arrested Saturday, thank you, Randy, for driving a riding lawnmower while intoxicated,

according to the Johnson County Sheriff's Office, J-C-S-O, if you're nasty. Okay. Normally, you get a D-C-S-O, if you're nasty. Okay. Normally, you get a D-R-L-M-W-I. Believe it or not, and you should, I get a lot of stories sent to me about people riding non-traditional vehicles. Golf carts. Oh, yeah.

Buffalo. Wolves. Intoxicated, though. Yes. Wasted. Wolves. Intoxicated, though. Yes. Wasted. They found a loophole. I got it on my steer here. This one has a fun little wrinkle.

Oh, didn't someone get nailed for riding a horse drunk once? Yeah, a woman. Yeah. Let them be. You're a horse rider? Yeah. An RUI. Yeah, yeah.

I've been drunk on a horse. I feel like they're sober. That's what counts. I think if you have two organisms working together and one of them is sober, you're fine. If you're getting a piggyback from someone sober and you're wasted, they shouldn't be able to pull you over. There has to be a country song

called Drunk on a Horse. Has to? I'll look it up. David Huntsberger, I don't want to pimp you in this if you want to, but he told me a story about falling with a horse. Do you remember? Yeah. On a horse?

My horse flipped over. We came up over a ridge and it was a spring below and my horse's front feet sunk in and he just toppled over. And over. And we somersaulted on. And then he was like standing up. This is the best part. And he pushed me into the mud a little bit.

And then he, just to get his feet, and he got up. I was standing there all like, shaking, and then I, cartooned myself out of the mud, and kind of dusted myself off, and looked at him, it was the greatest,

I think this is the part that stuck out to me, this is what I love, this is what I love, he was like, very clearly looking at me, with this look in his eyes, like, what the fuck was that about?

Like, David was like, that connection between a man and an animal, it can be so cerebral, that like, we were communicating, by looking, like, we were communicating by looking. Like, we were thinking. So he looked at you like, what the fuck? And how did you calm him down in that moment?

His leg was shaking, like, trembling. And I was like, oh, my God. Yeah, because how quickly did you go from fearing for yourself or fearing for the horse? Oh, instantly. Yeah. As soon as, like, when I felt his foot step on my back and I was like, oh, he's going to break all my ribs. Yeah. But I just sunk into the mud. And then I got out and I was like, I'm fine.

I just saw his leg trembling right after we did the eye exchange and I was like, no. So I just kind of, yeah, I just rubbed him a little bit and like, take it easy, buddy. And then I just walked him some, like led him. You weren't on top of him. I was at the beginning. No, no, no, no. When you led him to walk, you're like, I'm just going to let you walk without me there. Yeah, yeah.

It had been like, it was me and we were kids. We were like 17, 18 years old. And this cow ran off. So I just took off on my own. And so it was a while before I caught back up to my friend. And he saw me all muddy. My horse is all muddy. He was like, what happened?

And I don't know what the time was in between there. But I'm sure he was like, oh, no. know what the time was in between there but I'm sure he was like oh no what happened did you see Bone Tomahawk have any of you guys seen it it's harsh I don't know if you can handle it David I don't know you enough to say

Matthew Fox's character has a horse in and it just reminded me of you is he drunk on a horse I like to get drunk and ride horses that's the name of the song has a horse in it. It just reminded me of you. Is this Drunk on a Horse? I like to get drunk and ride horses. That's the name of the song? By the band of horses?

Band of drunk horses? What's this? Bite. Horatio Lee Jenkins. He's laying it on. He's laying it on. I like to get drunk and ride my horse on Christmas Day. Okay, I'm in on this.

It's in the name of Jesus. I'll allow it. It's one of them dumb Ray Stevens kind of... Not every day. It's Christmas. I like to get drunk and ride my horse on Christmas Day. Good take, guys. Let's go where we rack it from the top.

Officers came in contact with Barry Ridge. Good take, guys. Let's go re-rack it from the top. Officers came in contact with Barry Ridge. He went over the Barry Ridge. He's looked at a woman and be like, baby, you're on Barry Ridge right now. Time to take it over, Barry Ridge. We about to dump this horse on Barry Ridge. How'd you like to sit on Barry Ridge? They came in contact, which I love too.

They just came in contact. Like he's the monkey from Outbreak. They came in contact. Was it an airborne Barry Ridge or was it just a regular? Barry Ridge, which is also one of the things listed in the refrigerator of a Sonny D commercial. What do you got? Grape stuff, Barry Ridge, Sonny D.

I'll do Sonny D. Can What do you got? Grape stuff, Berry Ridge, Sonny D. Okay. I'll do Sonny D. I'll just take a, can you put the Berry Ridge on ice? Mm-hmm. That's the way it's supposed to be served. Okay.

Berry Ridge, they came in contact with him after being called to the 5600 block of County Road 100 North on a report of a suspicious person shortly after 5 p.m.

Great time to be drunk. Why does that look suspicious? You just see a guy swerving on a lawnmower? Weaving on a lawnmower. No, if you're out in the street weaving on a lawnmower, then if a lawnmower is not where it's supposed to be and someone is riding it, that

you literally, and someone probably has... But in a small town in Indiana, wouldn't you think they're like, eh, it's whatever. That's how he's getting to the store. If you're driving a lawnmower on a road and leaning over so that your hand grazes the road while you drive it, you're drunk. You are drunk. You're drunk. But I was saying, we get so many of these, but this one has a special wrinkle to it. Yeah.

Here we go. 5 p.m. Jesus. Evening. Golden hour. Yeah. Drunk lawnmower driver. Small town, Franklin, Indiana. Yep. Jesus. Evening. Golden hour. Yeah. Drunk lawnmower drive. Small town, Franklin, Indiana.

Yep. Ain't that America. The caller said a man riding a red lawnmower pulled into his yard and began to mow his grass. You don't mow my grass. Just laughing. I didn't ask you to mow my grass. We just mow my grass. That is literally a euphemism, mowing someone else's lawn.

Is that the ultimate, like, let him go? Let him do it. They're like crisscross, crisscross pattern. Because you know there are guys out there, when he's done mowing the grass, just a guy walks out and is like, you going to bag it? You can't just mow it without bagging it. But I was saying, there are like porn videos where guys watch other guys mow it without bagging it but I was saying there are like porn videos where like guys watch other guys mow their lawn

I'll bet he got a couple laps in and then there were some tufts where he didn't overlap just right and then we gotta call this in honey what are you doing I'm seeing how he does then decide what I'm gonna do he's creating more work for? I'm seeing how he does, then decide what I'm going to do. He's creating more work for us.

I'm seeing how he does, then deciding what I'm going to do. It's like that scene from A River Runs Through It where he's like, and then he broke free of my father's stroke and began fishing in his own. He was like, he's out there just cutting his own way. You guys are like, I don't know whether to be impressed or mad. It is a nice thing to do, but it is somewhat also a sign of aggression. Oh, yeah. Like, you don't sweep another man's

porch. Here's the deal. What are you, Jim Croce? Yeah. You don't sweep another man's porch. You don't sweep it into the wind. You don't mow the lawn of a Franklin, Indiana man. You don't mess around with Franklin.

You mean Barry Rich? You don't mess around with Franklin. You mean Barry Ridge? You don't mess around Barry Ridge. Here's the thing. There are a lot of nice things that you can do for people, but if you don't ask and you just do them, it's creepy. Like a massage is nice. If you pay for it. If someone you didn't ask just comes over and starts going. I think what we're learning here is like physical touch or mowing lawns, consent is the most important thing.

All the way through. David Hunsberger right now has an unbelievable mane of hair. If somebody you did not know came up to you and just started braiding it. Or anything. It would be not. Or brushing it. You're like, yeah, I need it brushed. But I didn't ask you to I got this

That's what that anything I got if a drunk person at a bar started brushing your hair I got this. Oh, thank you stranger. It needed that. I hope that brush is well used When the caller, so he, Barry Ridge goes onto the guy's lawn. Imagine him driving too. He's like, going to the bar. I'm going to look at this lawn. All right, I'm going to miss Happy Hour for this, but it's worth it.

You're welcome. Some people just don't know how to cut their lawn. Right. Yeah. When the caller told him to get off his property, Barry Ridge reportedly took off down the street. What's the problem here, though? On foot or on the tractor?

On the tractor. So at like a clip. Escaping at two miles an hour. Exactly. And the guy's walking with, sir, no, go away. And he's like just right next to him. Driving away. I hope he sort of aggressively pulled that handle that pulls the mower blades up.

Like, well, now you don't get this. And then drove off. So if the caller tells Barry Ridge to get off his property, and then he took off down the street, why are we calling the cops? Hey, long time listener, first time caller, he's leaving my property. Get over here. Yeah. Okay. When officers located Ridge...

40 feet later. Of course. 90 feet down the road. When officers located Ridge, they say his eyes, quote, appeared glassy, and he admitted, how many beers do you think Barry Ridge admitted to drinking that afternoon? Coming to you with an overview to find out how much damage did they do? This is just what he admitted to. So you know you've got to double it.

You've got to add ten to whatever he admits to. Double it. David Huntsman, you're our guest. You can go first, Tig, or third. Tig is the number two spot. Tig decided to go in between the two of us. Oh, okay. First, Tig, or third.

I'll go first. I'm gonna lay it out there with five. Okay. Five from David Huntsberg. And by the way, this does not mean the amount of beers he consumed. This is what a drunk man would admit to consuming because he's thinking that's still under there. I agree with you. I'm going to say he's going to say three.

It's going to be a low number, but you really got to double it. I think he's going to say nine, knowing that he had about 15. Right. For Barry Ridge, nine is like nothing. Nine is like lawn mowing drinking. I haven't even gotten to the bar yet. Pre-drinking. You know when you just have a nine.

Remember when we were all young and I assume we all pre drank because you could not afford anything at the bar like well we have to drink nuts we have to as an hour we're doing literally doing a power hour yeah we'll get one drink at the bar that's it right yes we'll start off with return of the Mac that'll be our first song. Okay, here we go. One of you is exactly right. So now we get to play a second game, which is who do you think is right. And you can go first, Tigger, third, and that. I'm going to believe in myself.

Okay. I think Barry thinks the cop would think he's less of a man if he said, I'm this drunk, glassy-eyed, and I only had three. Right. But I had the nine or 15. Right. But I don't want them to know that because then they're going to know I'm drunk. So you say five. I'm this drunk, glassy-eyed, and I only had three. But I had the nine or 15, but I don't want them to know that because then they're going to know I'm drunk. So you say five.

I'm going to say five. He's like, you know, you work on the car in the afternoon, you have five daytime beers. Yeah, you're not drunk. He makes a very compelling argument. Jason Sklar? I'm with Huntsberger.

I'm with Huntsberger. That's just a beautiful argument. When officers located Berry Ridge, they say his eyes quoted... Wait, I got to change it. I think it's me. quote, appeared glassy. Wait, I gotta change it. I think it's me. I think it's me. And what was yours? Nine. Nine? Okay. We both think Huntsberger. Okay.

They say his eyes, quote, appeared glassy, and he admitted. Get your answers in now, Townie, because Barry Ridge told police officers he drank three beers. Why don't I believe in myself? So he's a bad liar.

Can I tell you how happy I am that it was three and not five, that I switched it at the last minute to mine and everybody was wrong and I'm actually okay with that? So this guy is a terrible liar. I just had three beers, man. So then if you're the cops, you then start attacking his ability to drink beer. That's the psychological path I take. Oh, yeah. This guy's like, wow, three beers got you that drunk? And then he's like, well, you know, I had more than that.

Isn't that what they say with the alphabet backwards? The first thing people say with that is they go, I can't even do that when I'm sober. So you've just admitted that you are not sober. The first thing people say with that is they go, I can't even do that when I'm sober. So you've just admitted that you are not sober? Officers then performed field sobriety tests on Barry Ridge, which he failed. I assume those were the most fun. Barry, you want to do one more? I said, whatever you say, motherfucker.

I mean, I could certainly do these easily. I've only had three beers, Barry. I can do a somersault. No one asked you to do a somersault. I'm going to do a round off. Never tried it, but I can do it. Barry. Toe touch. Barry. Nobody asked you to do a thumbersault. I'm going to do a round off. Never tried it, but I can do it. Barry. Toe touch.

Barry. Nobody asked you to do it. Touch your toes. Do not, Barry. Stop it. Can I touch your toes? No, you cannot. Stand there.

While you guys think about my next test, I'm going to go mow a lawn. No. Barry, turn it off. Take the key off. That's what got you in this pickle. A breath test showed that he had a blood alcohol level of what? David, first take or third? Let me just say for point of reference,.08 is the legal.

Right. Yeah. He's saying he had only three. And we know he gets a DUI. Right. Here's where his story does not match up. Right. Unless he's a jovial drunk that just thought like,

I saw that guy at a softball game once and he'll think this is funny. And then the guy comes up, doesn't recognize him. Get out of here. Oh God. Right. And he turns out three beers is like a lot. By the way, if I drink three beers, I'm like loaded.

I'm not kidding. I'm completely loaded. Yeah, but you don't live in Franklin, Indiana. True. True. I'm going to say it's like.13. Okay. Just a shade over.

All right,.13 from David Hunsberger. Randy or Jason? I'll say.19. .19. .24. From Jason Sklar,.24. You don't just start mowing someone's lawn. By the way, you don't take your tractor off your property.

Off your property. Right. if you're not wasted. Yeah. I can't say one of you is exactly right, but one of you. I came in last night, and I had one drink after performing last night, and I had not eaten dinner. And I just walked in the house like I was a single guy. Everybody's asleep upstairs. I was like, what's in the kitchen? And I just opened up. I had a piece of chicken,. I was like, what's in my kitchen? And I just, like, opened up.

Like, I had a piece of chicken. And I was, like, knocking shit around. I sat down. I watched, like, tons of TV. I'm like, what is wrong with me? That was one drink I had. So this guy. All right.

Well, I can't say one of you is exactly right. But one of you is only one one-hundredth off. Oh, snap. So get your answers in now. Because the blood alcohol level inside the beautiful Berry Ridge was the beautiful Berry Ridge. I think it's Randy. I think it's the high one.

Point one eight nine. Oh! One eight nine. I was close. You said point one. I said point one nine. Ridge was taken into custody and transported to the Johnson County Jail and charged with driving under the influence. The Sheriff's Office says this also isn't the first time Ridge has been arrested for being intoxicated on a mower.

He's currently awaiting trial on an OWI arrest from April 8th where he was caught causing a disturbance on a lawnmower in a parking lot of a Kroger. That's a whole other story. He was on it causing a disturbance. They wouldn't say he was driving. There's no grass here, Barry. That's your problem. He's just running into the carts like, what did you say to me?

That's hilarious. He's a lawnmower bully. If you bring your lawnmower to a Kroger, you might be Barry Ridge. You might be Barry Ridge. Final last thing. We'll get out on this. Let's do it quickly. He might be Barry Ridge. He might be Barry Ridge. Final last thing. We'll get out on this. Let's do it quickly. How old is Barry Ridge? Too much fun

leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Okay, so now we understand. Three guessing games.

That's so many fun numbers. Okay, so now we understand. Three guessing games in one. That's so fun. I love packing them any time. I love them. I don't want to say what I was going to say. I'm going to go with 47. Okay. I want to hear your whole thought process. I was thinking 53. Why? It seemed like at that point

he's just kind of had it. This is what I want to do now. And 47 seems a little spry for that, but it also seems like... He's on the front edge of not caring. Yeah, yeah. But cares about other people's lawns. Would you say he's on... You know, I'm going a long way with this.

He's on the precipice of not caring. Would you say he's on the Berry Ridge of not caring? Jason and Randy? He's 41. 41 from Jason's club. I say he's on the Barry Ridge of not caring? Jason and Randy? He's 41. 41 from Jason's club. I say he is 62. 62. Yeah, this is a guy whose wife has left him or died.

Okay. And this is a guy who just has absolutely no tether whatsoever. What does great-grandkids think? His great-grandkids said just let him go. It was their mower. Eventually he will fall asleep. One of you is only one year off.

Get your answers in now, Tony. 41, 47, 62. Get your answers in now, Tony, for this round of Guess the Agey, because Barry Ridge is 46 years old. Oh!

Nice, Barry. Just heading on the ridge. Just heading on that ridge. That's how old we are. I just want you to know that. Randy and I are 46 years old. So that's if we just... You ride that tether, though.

That tether leaves... So we could just start driving things drunk. We could just let it go. Yeah. Let it go, man. It's nice to know that that's a possibility and an option. Sure. My friend, you are going to be performing in Denver with our good friend Chad Daniels.

Yeah. The 14th, 15th, and 16th of June? Correct, yeah. At the Landmark. The Common Work South, yeah. Yeah, we actually, that was the last, we headlined there our last time we were in Denver. Oh, sweet. Last October.

It's awesome. You will crush it. You will love it. It's so fun. Oh, by the way, so go see that in Denver. Dan, are you doing a show at the Bug Theater in Denver? I am doing a show at the Bug Theater in Denver on July 15th. And on the 24th of June, I am doing a show at the Siren Theater in Portland, Oregon.

Both of those shows are co-headlining with John Roy. And it looks like we're doing San Francisco in August and maybe one other day to be announced. Yes, and San Francisco, we're doing the Petaluma Festival with Daniel Van Kirk doing this podcast there. And then for us, we just announced we're announcing we're going to do Schaumburg, Illinois. We've never been to Schaumburg, Illinois. We're doing the improv out there July 20th through the 22nd,

which is a Friday, Saturday, Sunday night. Please come out for that. And then we're just formalizing the dates, but I think we're going to be in Denver at the Downtown Comedy Works, which we love so much. We haven't been there in a while. First weekend in October. October 4th through the 6th.

And then I think November, I want to say 9th, maybe around there, we'll be back in Austin at Cap City. Heck yeah. And Cleveland, though. Yeah, Cleveland, get your tickets now because we will be in Cleveland. Next weekend. Next weekend. Yeah, from when this drops yeah from when this drops next weekend we'll be in Cleveland

the May 30th or the 31st the 1st and the 2nd at Hilarities which is one of our favorite clubs you ever been to Hilarities yeah I like Hilarities

god damn that's a great club yeah I featured there for Doug Benson several years ago same size pretty much as the South Landmark Club

because it's got that balcony and it's really beautiful up there but come check that out and oh shit we gotta get back to work stick around make a sound on here down, it's Dumb People Town