Dumb People Town - David Spade - Prime Delivery

Episode Date: September 1, 2020

This week David Spade joins Daniel, Jason and Randy in Dumb People Town. In story one, a driver makes a special delivery in a customers yard. In story two a man gets stuck under a bridge while looking for catfish. In story three a woman tries to hire a hitman.

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Spade Population Spade. David Spade. Welcome to the show, young man. Yeah, man. First of all, your voice is a bit picture heavy, but go ahead.

Listen, you are coming off a very good week for you. You were a fantastic guest hosting Jimmy Kimmel's show in an empty house. Thanks, bud. That's a tricky, tricky business. You know, you guys know comedy more than anyone. I said, yeah, yeah, I'll do it.

I go, I'm sure it'll be a little weird, you know, because it's empty. And then I went and watched Whitney online on YouTube, and I watched Eliza a little bit and someone else. And I'm like, well, they're all very funny. But when it's deafening silence you go whoa because i do it in my place and do little instagram monologues but you know heather's i let her like she laughs and it's no i heard laughs dad laughs yeah and put a few sound effects so i said to the guys after her so i go nothing was funny and they go oh we're not allowed to laugh i go

laugh i don't i said there's four of you but laugh it just anything will break up nothing was funny. And they go, oh, we're not allowed to laugh. I go, laugh. I said, there's four of you, but laugh. It just, anything will break up dead silence. But I can, you know, I'll react.

It gives it some life. And they go, are you sure? I said, you don't have to laugh. Just if something, laugh. If it's funny,

let's make it. And they did. And so it felt very real. My favorite joke was, uh, in the pandemic, uh, going out and doing comedy.

So, uh, what business did you used to be in, sir? That would work. Sure, what did you used to do? Yeah. And my driving joke. The one I liked was... Yeah, the RX-7.

I haven't seen you out of the garage for a while. And the fact that it was an RX seven, that's a, that is a car that back in the day, come on, cool car in Arizona. When you live there,

the RX seven was, if someone had an RX seven, you're like, who's that player. Are you kidding? It's a panty dropper. The IROC of the Midwest. I like also making fun of Whitney Cummings and saying,

I mean, they put a picture of her. I go, you have season seven of Yellowstone on your jumper. Coming out of your pantsuit. She literally had like a onesie with elk and freaking ears on it. She had my daughter's pajamas on and she's

six. That was amazing. Because she took Umbridge with your black shirt. I saw it. It was fantastic. Here's my question for you, Dave, because this is what we do as comedians, and you do this so well, better than the majority of the population, is dissect human behavior.

Do you believe that the world's getting dumber? Because that's really the whole nature of this podcast is that we live in dumb people town. Do you think it's getting dumber or are we just seeing more dumb behavior because we have more access to it? I think we have access to it through Twitter and Instagram. So there's a few dumb things going on.

I think everyone was sort of dumb. We just weren't aware of it. But then when they get on Twitter and they get and you see it all day, or when you ever had your friend text you and they go, I hope you got that role you went up for and it's r-o-l-l they spell so many things wrong and you go come on this it must be like if you're dating and the girl finds out you're dumb yeah you know like the worst way to find out is everything

you text her like i remember texting girl sometimes i talk I talk like a rapper. I'm like, yo, yo, yo. And she's like, excuse me? I'm like, yo, yo, yo. Do you have yo-yo? And I'm just trying to sound cool. And she's like, if you don't talk like a freaking normal person, I don't want to talk to you. That's right.

Texting is like the NBA finals. Your weaknesses will be exposed. Yeah, they are exposed. And it's so embarrassing. And if you can't text fast and your jokes are slow,'re like it took you that long to think of that i go no i just i can't type that fast god damn it that's why i voice text i voice uh oh yeah you voice you send voice messages to us and i love it i love when i put i put on a voice message from spade and i forget that it's gonna play out loud in front of my children

and you're like great call what's up fucking and i'm like hey hey hey dickface not you kids i don't know but then there's smarter people elon musk is running around going i see a picture of like an octagon, like looks like a smashed in fuel truck. And I'm like, what's that? He's like, isn't this a good looking truck? I'm like, oh, from a car show in 10 years. He's like, no, I just made it.

You can drive it off the lot. Like what? Oh, you made this already and no one knew. You just go. I know, man. He's too smart. And then he's got to go to the rocket for a few hours in the day. And then he's got that. He's too smart. So to balance got to go to the rocket for a few hours in the day and then he's got that's he's too smart so to balance that out we have dumb people our fans send us these really

dumb stories and uh jay and i have not heard them you have not heard them dan has barely gone through them yeah we just get them sent in let's go over one you want to do it jump into one with us all right let's do it here we go sent in by sarah at shabatra. S-H-A-B-A-T-R-A. Thank you, Sarah, for sending this in. That's a Jewish thing. Amazon driver allegedly defecates in woman's backyard while out on deliveries. Now listen, Dave. Look, sometimes...

Is that part of the Prime package? Yes. She does not have Prime. You know what? This is why you have to tip. That's right this is over in nottingham england it is yeah you know the story i read it and i go i feel like nottingham peaked with robin hood and then ever since then not much going on and nottingham i

mean they thought it would maybe go up it's really gone down but i like the idea that this is how you know she doesn't have prime because he was like I can't shit in a prime member's yard and then they have to take a picture of the poop to show they did it you gotta just drop this off this is how I left it

they weren't home so I left it on their I don't know I feel like it's rude um it's juvenile yeah yes i don't know if it's an english thing but i do know that well in england they poop on the other they do poop on the other side of the yard and the other side of the yard yeah in the backyard yeah andy i'm sorry an amazon delivery driver was removed from his duties after it was alleged I think he removed his own duties. There you go.

He had a poo in a Nottinghamshire woman's backyard. I am. Sharon Smith of Nuttall or Nuttall. That's not how you want to say it. Was cooking in her kitchen when she saw a van pull up outside her home and a man ran into

her garden. Are we sure it was an Amazon truck? This is getting a little blurry. The guy ran up and pooped. More of a DHL, you're thinking? Was he delivering the diarrhea of Anne Frank? There it is.

There it is. That's why he was talking. There's a great moment when you're in your kitchen cooking and you see a guy and then you see just the top of his head. Right. And you're like, what's up? Do you see this? It's like that scene in The Burbs where Tom Hanks is like, Art's got a gun. Art's got a gun.

And he just sees from his window. Do you have any TP or should I use this Da Vinci code I was delivering? Got a lot of pages. You don't need to read about the author. The NHS council suspected he could be stealing wood from her property. You only go there if that's happened more than three times. By the way, how much did she, after this whole thing happened, wish he was stealing wood?

Yeah. I mean, my God, that dropped down the crime resume. I'm like, where's the mad pooper? much did she after this whole thing happened wish he was stealing wood yeah yeah i mean my god i that's the i dropped down the crime resume i'm like where's the mad pooper yeah exactly which we've had in this take the wood the wood you can take the wood so she must have under her enough that she assumes that's what's going on right it's to be stealing wood from her property so she followed him but claims she caught him defecating among trees in her property the woman confronted the man and asked him to leave before calling police now i have a question about this do you think this is because of coronavirus and because we can no longer like

most places you would go into a coffee shop you get get a coffee, then maybe you go in and you got to do your business and you do it. Right. But now, because most places are closed. Okay. All right. Right. Also,

some people would say like the working conditions, they don't get breaks. They should have. I'm saying I'm going to share this. So she also grabbed this photo. You can now see that. Oh, well,

she doesn't live in my apartment complex. I'm free. What? Where's the wood that he would be stealing? I don't know. It looks like she caught him mid-wipe, too. Yeah. Maybe it's some kindling wood on the bottom there. He did try and go into a corner.

So our friend's son. Yeah, I mean, he did try to hide. When they were potty trading. He did, too. Look at the security guy. When our friend's son was being potty trained, they put the portable toilet in the bathroom so he would know to go in the bathroom.

Sure. And then he wouldn't go in the bathroom, so they moved the toilet to his room. So he started going in the portable toilet in his room. But they were like, no, we can't associate that with this. So then they moved it. Then he's going to go to jail. So they moved it outside in the back and their son,

like a golden retriever would go out in the back and sit down on the toilet back there. Maybe this guy, that's what his life was. You never know. I got a question for you guys. I don't know if you're allowed to do it. There's no rules here.

None. What if a guy knocked on your door and said, can I take a dump? I'm an Amazon guy. I'm all good. It's cool. I would do it. I would say yes.

And I would be calling the police as I was. Nine one. You go nine, one on nine, one. Yes. One. I mean,

what if he said, if it's either going to be in your bushes or in your toilet. Yeah. Oh, because he goes, I got to go one. This old comic Drake say that he used to go your toilet. Yeah. Oh, because he goes, I got to go one, this old comic Drake say that he used to go, this guy came to my door and he said,

Hey, can I use your bathroom? And he goes, no. And he goes, but I have diarrhea. And he goes, Hey,

why didn't you say so? You were going to want to be one of those creeps who wants to wash their hands. I know you're going to blow shit all over my wall. That's right. Yeah. Oh, I That's right. When people come up and ask me stuff, I don't know if I'd let them in. I'm scared. No way.

Would you let anyone use your phone? Especially now? Okay, so we were in Lake of the Ozarks in the middle of Missouri visiting our mom who lives in St. Louis and we went to the Lake of the Ozarks and we were staying there. COVID started. COVID grows. COVID goes to spread. The Ozark there. Where COVID started. Where COVID grows. Where COVID goes to spread. The Ozark virus.

We called it the super spreader. The Wuhan of America. Right. And we were out at the pool and this woman whose arm was bandaged, which looked like it was an open wound, asked us if she could borrow our phone. Now, who in this day and age

does not have a phone? Someone with an open wound. Even a Nokia Pebble. I'd be like, who do you want me to call? I'll put it on speaker, dummy. Yeah, that's what I would do too. No one even knows phone numbers anymore.

No! Nine, eight, seven. If you remember one fucking phone number, I'm proud of you. Dude, the thing that you, the commercial you posted on your Instagram the other day from the 1-800 club. Beep, beep, beep, I'm proud of you. The commercial you posted on your Instagram the other day from the 1-800 club? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

You and Larry Bud Melman. God, I love that. God, Larry Bud Melman. May he rest in peace. He's still alive, right? No, no, he died. She said the man turned out to be an Amazon driver who went on to deliver a parcel

to one of her neighbors, which means after he shit the yard, he then was like, ma'am, I understand you're upset. I have a job to do. I finished one. I'm on to the next. Yeah, he delivered two bags.

It's really lying on my feet now and it's going to start picking up the pace. He's picked up the pace. It was claimed the driver said he did not realize the grounds were part of a private garden. So he thought he was doing like a park poop. Right.

He thought he was outside of... Which you also like a park poop. Right. He thought he was outside. Which you also still can't do. Right. Dan's like, I mean, a park poop, everyone's cool with that, right? I mean, if you're running in the middle, park poop is fine. I mean, this is a regular Tuesday afternoon park poop. What is the...

You guys ever shit your pants? I got a friend who shit his pants twice last month. Last month? Come on. Yeah. Stop. I never have. I have never have i have you have normally about 40 goes fuck i shit my pants again man you didn't before he goes at least once a month a full-grown adult i go how do you what's going on man i don't like it dude you just have to like hold in everything, you just have to hold in everything. Or just go to the toilet when you think it's going to happen. You're doing it that much.

You're trying to create a new hobby. Do you have a one day out of the blue, do you have a Tums? And I go, are you going to shit your pants? Because I don't think a Tums is going to stop that. Unless you're plugging it. Unless the Tums. Yeah, pick it up there.

That's it. She added, I cannot express how shocked I was. I could not believe that I was seeing this in this day and age. When he pulled up and ran to the garden, I thought he was a builder stealing wood or something. So I chased after him. I asked what the heck he was doing. So which also given when the photo was taken they're having a conversation while he's shitting yeah so she's like what are you doing ma'am please

leave me alone right now do you think i'm in this position because i want to talk to somebody dogs don't even want to look at you while they're shitting they like turn towards the curve and that they're just right problem is when i can see people shitting now i want to shit so i would right it's like yawning someone else shits and you're like oh i gotta go too funny thing is every time i think there's a new subject he's just got 80 more things about the one subject like he's like yeah and then the guy said he usually doesn't show my we got three stories we got three stories this is what i love I asked what the heck he was doing, and he just remained pooing while asking me what my problem was. I love that. What's your deal, lady?

Don't look at me. By the way, that's confidence, too. Oh, yeah. He's owning it. He's pooing by saying, are the finals still on or what's going on? Are they back? Have the NBA... What do you think about the NBA?

No, I mean, this is England, so it's all about the Champions League. He messed with the wrong woman, she said. I'm a blue belt in Taekwondo. What are you going to go hip toss him? You're going to hip toss him while he's pooping? I'm a blue belt in Taekwondo. By the way, blue is not that high. Not even that high.

It goes like orange, green, brown, blue, then brown, then red. Another brown. Yeah, there's like red with brown on the outside, black with a red stripe, then a black. I'm like, come on. I'm sorry, are you talking about Taekwondo or the NXIVM cult?

Yes. He had his scarf on. She said he messed with the wrong woman. I'm a blue belt in Taekwondo, and the anger and rage he saw was enough to put the fear of God in him. No, he was trying to poop. Yeah, this guy's just... I made it clear I was calling the police, and if he moved, enough to put the fear of god in him no he was trying to poop yeah this guy's i made it clear i was calling the police and if he moved he'd regret it he emerged from the bush

quite aggressively but i was angrier angrier than him so i kept him there till my husband and then police arrived he like i would have just gotten the car driven away so is there a move in taekwondo because that's really the thing about most martial arts which is like come at me from this angle and move your arm up high and i come from but nope you got to be three quarters away from me and then come at me like you just took a crap in the woods like you're just coming out of a crouch i wonder if there's a taekwondo move yeah i go chop pooey yeah they they yeah i think a guy like that you don't need to know too many just go push him lightly and he just tips over exactly for sure yeah this is not a person of strength he actually

he actually delivered the parcel to someone on my street after he used the bat well didn't use the bathroom so he could have left traces of excrement on it that's another thing you're not thinking about now his hands are going straight onto people's boxes people put those boxes in their mouths joke about one of our friends was a guy years ago did a joke about the amount of urine the trace amounts of urine that

are found in the mince at the front of a Chinese restaurant sick that there's usually I don't want to go dig your fingers your hands in like like how much urine was in these things? And they were just opened up. No.

Like in the package before they actually were put in. Yeah. There's a certain amount of urine that's in it. That's right. I think this lady gets it. She says, I think the bigger problem is that Amazon expect their drivers to do for toilet breaks as people will be reluctant to let them use their toilet due to COVID. Yes.

This is what you said. Good call, David Spade. Sharon was told the driver would be removed from his duties while they investigated what happened. That's a statement from Amazon. And she has been promised a gift voucher that she has yet to receive as a goodwill gesture from Amazon. They don't say.

But how much money do you think you have to give someone? David, what would make this okay for her? What do you mean? Like, how much money do you feel like she... Amazon's going to be like, hey, we're going to give you an Amazon gift card since someone's done. How much money should be on that card?

500. 500? 500, you're done with it, right? 500 might work. 100 is like, we don't think it's that big of a problem. You should shut up. Right, but 500 is... 500, we took it seriously. That's work. 100 is like, we don't think it's that big of a problem. You should shut up. Right.

But 500 is... 500, we took it seriously. That's right. Yeah. But it's not... 500 is a lot of money. If you're in Nottingham... If you're in Nottingham, 500 bucks can go a long way.

Yeah, you're good. 500 pounds. That's like 120 pounds. Yeah. Exactly. 500 pounds. All right. That's story number one.

Story number one down in the books. David Spade is with us. And we'll talk about what else he's got going on. If you're not watching his monologue on a day, pretty much a Wednesday. Is it Wednesday, weekly basis? Weekly Wednesday. Is that what it is, Dave?

I slow them down now because, you know, I really zig when you think I'm going to zag. That's what I love about him. And we'll talk about that on the other side of this break. It's Dumb People Town with David Spade. Woo! Stick around. Make a sound.. It's Dumb People Town with David Spade. Woo! Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We got David Spade with us. Follow him on Instagram. An amazing follow. Twitter. All that jazz.

You have exciting stuff in the hopper. I don't know what you can or can't talk about, but you do have, if you haven't seen the last Missy, fantastic movie on Netflix, The Wrong Missy. We had her on at Kimmel last week, the other day.

Yeah, she was a good interview. That was fun. And you hosting Kimmel was great. Oh, by the way, great interview with Dan Levy too. He's a nice kid, yeah. I didn't know much about Schitt's Creek. Everyone else has seen it. Oh my God, it's such a good, I loved him in that interview. He's a nice kid. Yeah. I didn't know much about Schitt's Creek. Everyone else.

It's oh my God. It's such a good, he, I loved him in that interview. He, he went with it. So it's so hard to interview people over zoom or like, you know what? There was a, there was a hair delay in New York or Toronto. And, uh, so it was just, I didn't want to step on him, you know, and you did a great job, but I loved him. He came, what I loved about him is that he came ready to play. Like, you could tell he was having a good time and wasn't, like, overdoing it. He was excited about doing it. So, that was good. And, yeah, all that stuff.

And I'm very excited about, I feel like we've got a chance to, through your show, really get a chance to hang out with you. And our friendship makes me happy. Yes. We go out all the time. It's fun. You are the person I go out with. and our friendship makes me happy yes you know we go out all the time yes you are the person i go out with when i'm like the only person that randy and i have like been out in the world with truthfully this guy yeah i love it all right should we jump in another story yeah two more stories okay here we go this was sent in by dane couch at dane couch

thanks man here we go i love dane couch good comedian yeah great i think he stole steve By Dane Couch. At Dane Couch. Thanks, man. I love Dane Couch. Good comedian. I think he stole Steve Mern's essence. Oh, really? Fair enough. A man scouting for good catfishing on the Cimarron River got stuck in quicksand

for hours before he was rescued Wednesday. I didn't know quicksand was hours before he was rescued Wednesday. I didn't know quicksand was still a thing, Dave. I didn't either. Quicksand was big in the 80s. Doberman's quicksand and nunchucks in the 80s were huge. Quicksand jumped out at me in that story because I never see quicksand. I live in California.

There's almost no quicksand. No quicksand. There's no quicksand. Quicksand to me is nature's cement. Am I right? Work. Yes. You don't want to get caught.

Yeah. Quicksand is such a cool thing you hear about when you're a kid and like it's in movies and shit, but you don't really see it every day. No. Blazing saddles. The blazing saddle scene where they go down in the quicksand. I'm like, that's the last time I really saw it in a movie. Yeah. But it was like in the jungle too. If go down in the quicksand. I'm like, that's the last time I really saw it in a movie. Yeah, but it was like in the jungle too.

If you're in the jungle, watch out. Yeah, there's a few like Arnold and Chuck Norris movies where they have quicksand in them. You rarely write it into movies anymore. No. No. And by the way, quicksand, you could never make it look like what it was.

It just looked like soupy, like kind of dirt. Right. And whatnot. Which is what it is. But it is the type of thing that you can't get out of for whatever reason it's like i can't get my arms and you gotta sink down and slowly drown right because you have nothing to hold on to right it's very intriguing it's very intriguing because quicksand you you you feel like it's it's like having a riptide in sand you're like it's hard to explain well it's like being on a bad date. You just feel it. You feel yourself drowning.

You need help to get out of it. I can't get out of this. This comes from theoklahoman.com. Bob Seabor. Bob Seabor. That dude sells cars. Of Stillwater. Was in good condition at Stillwater Medical Center late Wednesday

where he was treated for sunburn and exposure. Here's what happened. Seabor planned a vacation day Tuesday. Sunburn means he just went out without anything. You know, he's like, I'm going every decision. It's not like I'm going to be out there for hours. That's right. What am I going to do? Fall into quicksand and burn my head?

Fishing day. Yeah, yeah. He walked under the Cimarron Bridge on State Highway 33 at Payne and Logan County line to watch for catfish by moonlight Monday at about 2 a.m. Tuesday. He was under the bridge wearing a pair of waders when he got stuck in silt and sunk up to the hip. So now he's under a bridge trying to catch catfish. Take your pants off. Take your pants off. But what if this is how the troll under a bridge trying to catch catfish. Take your pants off. Take your pants off.

But what if this is how the troll under the bridge forms? Bob Sieber. Bob Sieber. Damn glad to meet you. He's a full name introduction guy. I can tell you that just on name alone. And he goes, not Bob Sieger. Those were some really bad night moves, I'm just going to say.

These are bad night moves. You know, he sunk like a rock. Okay. All right, Dan. really bad night moves i'm just gonna say yeah these are bad night moves you know he sunk like okay all right all right dan okay turn the page fair enough i will all right here we go against the wind i've been through this is what he said quote i've been through quicksand several times but never like this before another one it's happened a lot go but never like this before. It's happened a lot. Go ahead. Never like this. Who is out there being like, have you taken that quicksand tour? I heard about it on the PBS. The quicksand tour of Oklahoma is

pretty nice. Overall, I've had a couple of good experiences. This was not one of them. Most of my quicksand experiences have been delightful. Three out of ten. Wouldn't go again. Yeah, wouldn't sink

again. I'm going to ask you guys how long, how many hours, and then we'll finish up the rest of this. It's not a very long story, but how many hours do you think that he was stuck in quicksand before somebody helped him?

You are our guest, David Spade, so you can go first, second, which is Tig, or third. I'm going to go first. Am I allowed to go first? Yes, of course. How many hours was he stuck in there? Seven. Seven hours.

That's a long time. Jason Aran. By the way, no one looked for him either. Where is he? Where is Bob Sebron? If you're Moonlight Catfishing, you don't have strong relationships. If you're Moonlight Catfishing, no one's looking for you. One of your kids sometimes talks to you and then tells the other kids what you're up to.

If you're Moonlight Catfishing, you haven't had a normal Christmas in years. You have three kids and you send birthday cards to one address and they don't live together. Ask these out. And you say, what's your guess, Matt? I'm going to guess 12 hours.

12 hours from Jason Sklar. I think he was in there for... I'm going to say 15 hours. 15 hours. He's sunburned 7 12 15 okay we've got some more details but i thought it'd be fun to get out in the middle that bob sieber not sieger was stuck in quicksand for 38 hours oh my god yeah He probably was like, I live here now. Right. This is it. I thought middle of the night, maybe he got stuck on 3 a.m.

and they found him. Nope. That was my thinking out loud. What promises do you think he made to himself? In 38 hours, you're taking a lot of inventory. You're at least through half of the 12 steps. I mean, this is you're a third of the way

into the James Franco movie where he saws off his arm. Yeah. At 127, he would have done his arm, even though it had nothing to do with it. 38 hours, you're a third of the way through the Irishman. Yeah.

I could have watched the Irishman. He's written two letters in his head. Yes. 38 hours. Yes. Yes. Okay.

I promise not to. Right. So, okay. He planned it. He was going to catch all these fish, right? He gets stuck in his waders up to the hip. Quote, I've been through quicksand several times. Never like this.

All day Tuesday, he yelled for help each time a car passed overhead and the bridge was too far away to hit with a rock, which means he tried. Damn! But that's the other thing. Cars going over a bridge is always loud. Yeah. So you need to yell before they get to the bridge. And who is driving over a bridge being like,

all right, everybody be quiet because there might be somebody under this thing. There's usually someone stuck down here. We put that quicksand in last year and every once in a while we catch somebody um he says quicksand is like a dumb person's glue trap you know it's like a rat going to cheese like we got him we got him we got another one not the way to go by the way not the way to go because you die in quicksand and you're drowning this slowly it's so bad no also like this turns up somebody pulls up in a boat it just turns into like a like a river version of like deliverance meets pulp fiction where they're like the spider has caught

a fly yeah we gotta fly so he's trying to hit the bridge with a rock it's too far away which says more about his arm than it does how far the bridge is. Then he drank river water, but he had no food. 38 hours. You do not need to start drinking river water. God damn, he went for it fast. I know. He was like, I've seen Naked and Afraid. I'm going in.

I don't care. I would be barely through one Luna bar at that point. By nightfall Tuesday, he was beginning that point. By nightfall Tuesday, he was beginning to panic. By nightfall. Yeah. With sticks. Do you think he still tried to catch Moonlight Catfish the second night? Yeah, I bet he tried. Well, I'm here. Bob Sieber's here.

Bob Sieber's going to make do. I got to make them. Yeah. I got to find them. With sticks, he grabbed out of the river. He started digging his way out, but too much wiggling got him in deeper by noon wednesday by the way that's the story of by the way that's the story of his life that's every relationship he's gotten into he tried to dig out of it but it just got the carlitos too much wiggling that's right yeah i going to bring up with her tonight. She's pregnant now. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Wiggle. I like when he gets stuck in quicksand. That's not when he panics. It's 18 hours later. I'd be like looking ahead going, I can't move. This is quicksand. This might escalate to a problem. No, he's going to first see how far

he can throw a rock, whether or not he enjoys a good river water. Shout at cars. And fish limit. That's the thing. You wouldn't let go of the fish. You could have gotten out. If I stay one more day, I can get 10 more.

Right? It counts. Starting at midnight, I get 10 more. By noon on Wednesday, he freed himself by finally listening to David Spadeade and tearing off his waiters yes you called this from the jump you were like just do that now oh my wait these aren't my legs it's like what's that you know their hands stuck in the vending machine let go of the chips yeah take your shoe off so he freed himself by tearing the waders he wanted to get out of there without anyone knowing so he tried to retrieve his waivers his waders still in the water before leaving no and that's when he got stuck again no you fucking asshole now i'm getting i mean I mean, Bob Seger, not Seger.

He gets out. Oh my God. He's full on crazy river water drinking. And he goes, I'm going to go back and get those. Let me get those waiters. Like anyone that knows Bob is not surprised. Right.

This is very, these aren't your kids. They're your waiters. Right. How many times could Bob have left it? Anything in his life? He could have left it at that, but needed to do one more thing.

I mean, but I judge people by the way they treat waiters. Yeah. If you're cool to waiters, then... If you're shit to waiters, I can't handle it. I can't handle it. So anyway, he goes back to get his waiters. He gets stuck again. Luckily, the second sinking wasn't as bad.

A man looking for driftwood. That is... I'm scared of that guy more than any person we've ever talked about. There's a lot of money in driftwood. Go ahead. There is? Man looking for driftwood. Translation, rapist. Yeah.

There's no way. Right. Man, if you're looking for driftwood, just get the divorce. You obviously, the marriage is over. If you're out looking for driftwood, get the divorce you obvious the marriage is over if you're out looking for driftwood it's done the driftwood isn't going to make her come back is what you're saying a man looking for driftwood found him in less than 15 minutes so the second time in 15 minutes he was saved uh perkins police sheriff's deputies and still water firefighters freed him by 4 p.m

so he got found but they couldn't get him out again till they all got there. Sieber suffered slight hypothermia from the cold weather. We will leave this story with this. How old do you think Bob Sieber is? Not Seeger. All right, Dave. Now, here's what you know. He likes to stay out all night. He's

been caught in quicksand many times. He likes catfish and river water, and he can't throw a rock very far. 43. 43 years old. Okay. Jay, what do you think? I think he's 60.

60 from Jason Scott. I think he's 51. 51. Okay. I'll tell you just for fun. One of you guys is three years off. Okay. Very good job for one of you.

Because to end out story two, before we close it out with a short story three, Bob Sieber, multiple times. I mean, when he said I got sunk multiple, this is a quick sand. Multiple times in this one story.

One story. Yeah. Bob Sieber is 40 years old. I got it. I was pretty, I'm pretty good at this. Come on. Give us a little tease of'm pretty good at this. You're close, man. You're good, dude. Come on, man.

Give us a little tease of what we got for this last quick story. The dumbest person tries to kill her ex-husband. Okay, great. David Spade is with us. This is Dumb People Town. We have one more story. Stay with us. Stick around.

Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Welcome back. We are back. Give us the last story take us here we go oh do we've all plugged all our stuff right i think we have yeah okay cool here we go sent in by brian w lance at b lance 79 a michigan woman tried to have her ex-husband killed by contacting a fake hitman website, state police said. Did you see this? Did you hear about this, David Spade?

Was it on hitman and things? Yes, you're actually right. Wendy Wine of South Rockwood was arrested Friday after she visited a bogus website called www.rentahitman.com. So it's a joke. Wendy, Wendy. Can you at least get a TaskRabbit? Can you lease with an option to buy a Hitman? No, it's a committal.

You got to take the whole product. I don't mind TaskRabbit. You just throw it on the list and just see what happens. Yeah, TaskRabbit, you never know. Just grab me some whole milk, kill my husband. I need these packages sent to me. Did you get everything on the list? We read that all the way through.

You can handle all that today? You did everything. You did everything. You did everything on there? No, that's like Van Halen when they were like, no green M&Ms. They put it low in the rider. They're like, let's make sure they check everything.

Are you reading the whole rider? I don't know if they're reading the rider. Is that why they did that? so they would put it super low in the writer just to see if they're actually reading the writer they'd walk in as soon as they saw like multicolored M&M's I get people if you ever got this backstage the day before the show

they go hey we got your writer and the next day they go did you want all that stuff from your writer? and I go yeah and they go alright well what does that mean? did you want all that stuff from me, Ryder? And I go, yeah. And they go, all right. Well, what does that mean? Tortilla chip? I go, yeah, maybe.

Yeah, maybe. How about don't quiz me on it? Just do it. Mine's not that bad. I mean, fuck. What's in your Ryder? Go ahead. Also, like if we're going to have the conversation,

why do you even ask for it? If I'm going to show up here, then you're going to make me run down the things I would like to have available to me. Also, nobody... That's the rider guy. Nothing tells you how far you've come in this business by how hard they quiz you on your rider.

Right. Yeah. I know you're not doing well if they go, you really want three pickles? I'm like, why is that hard? Does it have to be a turkey lunchable? It doesn't have to be. I'm just trying to make it easy on you guys.

Jesus. Okay, here we go. The Michigan woman went to rentahitman.com and completed a service request form. Because that's the number one thing, too. When you need somebody to kill someone for you, give away all your information. Yeah, we need social.

I feel like we can get everything online nowadays that why not be able to rent a Hitman 2? DOB. Yeah. She requested a consultation to help her with the issue, Michigan State Police said Tuesday. Wine specified her ex-husband as the target of her problems, police said in a news release. Isn't he always? The owner of the website contacted the michigan state police because he was contacted

that wine might be attempting to kill her husband yeah you think she went to your website and filled out a whole form an undercover state go ahead wasn't the guy in a quicksand yeah no it's not yeah he's gonna take care of that himself you just let him keep on catfishing that would be too perfect yeah he's probably under a bridge right now she she gave him the new spot for where to go at the meeting that she had with a state trooper posing as a hitman of course she offered the undercover trooper how much money do you guys think i was about to say this is a good question because i've seen on crime shows yeah it's usually lower than i think right i'd say three grand that's really good i can't even remember. I think there's like,

I'm going to go even lower. I'm going to say $2,500. $2,500. I'm going to say $5,000. $5,000. Okay. It is definitely lower than you think. But to this woman,

it was like, I got, you never want to get a deal on trying to kill your husband. Yeah, you're right. You want to make it worth their while. That's right. Yeah, that's why it's never on Groupon.

I saved a lot of money killing my husband. I went to rent a hitman. Yeah, exactly. That's something you want to splurge on. Yeah, I think. Okay. The undercover trooper poses with her. She offered the undercover trooper.

One of you is exactly right. All right. So now we get to guess who do we think is exactly right. Do you think? Well, I thought everyone's guess was pretty good. I was like, shit, this is like. No, I like, I think I'm going to, I like Dave's. I'm going to say Dave's.

Okay. I think it's 3000. What do you think, Dave? Cause you know, people, most people don't have a lot of money and that's a huge amount. Sure. Totally. A lot.. Sure, totally. A lot. $3,000 a lot.

No cash, no taxes under the table. I know. I still stick to three. Okay. I'm going to say five. I'm sticking to mine. Five. Okay.

The amount she offered for the hitman was $5,000. Way to go, Jason. Thank you. Good even number. I liked it. That was a good round number. And by the way, $5,000 is a lot of money. She was arraigned Tuesday on charges of solicitation to commit murder and illegal use of a computer

to facilitate a crime. They double-dipped you on that. She's ordered held at Monroe County Jail on a bail of $500,000. So even at 10%, even at 10%, they're still like, you're paying more than it would have... Yeah.

Yeah. So I'm going to... Watch what you Google too because I think they get your computer. They definitely get... Yeah, especially if you go to rentahitman.com

and fill out a service form. Right. You're going to get... They're going to find your history for the last three weeks even if you cleared it. They go, this first thing

on your computer, Google, why does Bobby Lee always cancel? I go, well, it's not that. Go to the next one. Since launching the fake website in 2005, the owner of rentahitman.com told investigators he'd been contacted numerous times by people. He claims the website has been responsible for preventing how many murders do you guys think Rentahitman.com has prevented? Because idiots go to this site.

I'm going to connect this story with the second story. This is a virtual version of catfishing. You go to get a murder, you get catfished, and you get stuck. This is like a backwards minority report where he's setting up the opportunity. Backwards Minority Report, where he's setting up the opportunity. Yes. So how many murders do you think that he claims to have prevented from people who wanted to kill someone via rentahitman.com? 31. 31 murders.

Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say 60. I'm going to say 16. Okay. 16, 31, 60. I think it's lower than 31 or 31. He claims the website is responsible for preventing over 130 murders. Liar.

Liar. He's full of shit. He is full of shit. That's a guy trying to make himself. I guarantee you my lawyer can get me out of that. Your lawyer can get you out of that. I'd be like, oh, you mean my joke bit I was doing? Yeah, 100%.

That's right. I mean, if you don't kill the person, you can always go, what? It's a gag. They're going to love it. I thought it was just a... They're going to think it's so funny when the pillowcase is over their head. Yes, and then I pop out and it's a joke. What are you talking about?

I can't believe someone would think that a website like this exists, says police lieutenant Brian Olick. There's too many consonants for me to know how to do it. Feels very Chicago. But the man who runs the site, Bob Ines, said he started the site as a class project in 2005. Dude, if he stopped over 100 murders, he gets an A.

He gets an A. I'm going to give that guy an A. He gets an A. Those are our stories, friends. Those are our stories. David Spade, thank you for joining us on the show. I know your time is valuable. You're the best, dude. We appreciate you. It's been good, man. Those are our stories. David Spade, thank you for joining us on the show. I know your time is valuable. You're the best, dude. We appreciate you. It's been good, man.

That was fun. So much fun. And oh shit, we got dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker down. It's Dumb People Town.