Dumb People Town - David Wain - On The Take

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

David Wain (The State, Wet Hot American Summer, Middle Aged Dad Jam Band) stops by as Randy explains how an exotic cat got rescued from a tree in Ohio and tested positive for cocaine, Jason warns against trying to rob a bank with a Nerf gun, and Daniel describes a runner that lost a race because his penis kept falling out, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Prize Picks, Faherty, and Helix! PrizePicks.com/dpt and use code dpt for a first deposit match up to $100!Head to FAHERTYBRAND.com/DPT and use code DPT at checkout for 20% off your order.Go to Helix Sleep.com/DPT and use code HELIXPARTNER20.

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Use the code DPT for a first deposit match up to $100. Promo codes all lowercase. Prize Picks, daily fantasy sports made easy. Nice. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Wayne. welcome to another episode of dumb people town population population wayne david wayne master raconteur storyteller comedian actor director father friend friend friend for a long time

number one put that first friend number i put it last because it's the most important so it is amazing what's up townies yeah let's get. Also, when everything comes back and there's no strike, potential director of a Cleveland balloon movie. Yes. Oh, yeah. We were doing a Patreon story. That was the funniest response to that text, by the way. And we texted David because he's from Cleveland, from Shaker Heights.

That's right. It's Shaker Heights, right? So we aren't promoting a thing for everybody because it's not real. It's not real yet. But I do want that movie to come out and i want you to i love that story and i'm ready so to me to me because it's the audacity and no forethought right that's what makes great comedy the confidence and the failure so 80s it felt like a it's a radio promotion type thing my only concern is is if we want to, when we shoot, if we want to start at 8, that first day I have something.

So that's fine. We can work around that. And I have a hard time. If everybody could just set it up and then I can do a walk-in. Do you have a good AD? Yeah. I can be there like 8.15. We'll have the AD set the first shot and then you can just come in and look at it.

Can we go? You just check the gate. He's going to do it. We'll go to the second team. The first studio movie I did direct was Role Models. in and look at it. Can we go? You just check the gate. He's going to do it. We'll go to the second team. The first studio movie I did direct was Role Models. Yes. And I remember one day I was driving up to Santa Clarita where we were shooting this big, giant battle scene

and I took the wrong turn. And it was also like weather and raining and I ended up being like a half hour late. I'm usually like an hour early. And I was so embarrassed. I was just like weather and raining. And I ended up being like a half hour late. I'm usually like an hour early. And I was so embarrassed. I was just like, where's David? Just figure it out. Does anyone have an ETA on David?

No. And meanwhile, you cared probably a lot more than everyone else. Because work was getting done. And they were all getting into it. Yeah. But yeah, it's not a good life. I know. I know.

But yes, you're right. Ultimately, you did the day. But also proves that we consider ourselves to be smart people, but we do dumb things, which is a perfect. And also we consider ourselves to be indispensable, but things get done. Exactly. When we did our show, Medical Police, I actually was sick during part of it. And I had to leave the set a couple of times early in the afternoon.

And I was like, at that point in my life, I had grown up a little bit and i was like whatever nobody cares do you remember when i threw up on the set of children's hospital the one you directed with us so there's the cutaway shot of me and like for 12 minutes as i'm waiting for them to cut to me because the whole bit was that randy was in the show and he had to do this complicated thing where they were shooting him twice meanwhile i'm just watching in the wings and they could have used me but they need to get the cutaway of me watching in the wings and i start to feel like oh i'm gonna go down yeah i have to hold it together so they get this shot because it's the whole show and also you don't want to be sick on a you don't want to be sick on a show up you just want to be you want to make time where the flu shot through

the whole set yeah it did yeah i remember like but i wasn't first i didn't give it to everyone someone else had it then it got somebody says when they give it to everyone i gave it to everyone no but so they get my cutaway shot and then literally you're like okay you're like that's great cut and i'm like oh god yeah yeah all over i felt so you yelled stay on him stay on him stay on him get it i remember that those there was like a day and a half on set where every time i turned around another crew member was throwing up in a garbage can it was like jason's fault of course these days i think people would probably leave i felt so bad i drove right away but i felt horrible shall we shall we get i

just have to just it's so relevant i have to say one of the things yes please the other night at this show that you were in that i know I think we'll be talking about, the Middle-Aged Dad Jam Band. Amazing. Our keyboard guitar player, singer. He got sick. Came up to me in the middle of the set, right before he was about to sing his song, and said, David, I'm sick.

I have to go. And he left, and he went and threw up. And then he came back like three songs later and finished the show. He did. And with an amazing piano solo in that song at the end but he was in the green room and we're like so all of us are like what do you need can we get you because we're all dads because we're dads i mean for me i'm like yeah whatever you know but like i know that as when you're you know it's it's like our show business ethos like you just do it unless you play through the pain yeah that's the thing

when someone gives you no explanation that's how severe it is right when they're like i am leaving you're like okay it's you i get you whatever you do whatever you gotta do there's no well he and later he was like thanks for being so cool about it i'm like what was i gonna say no you stay there yeah you got everyone finish this one out you're out of the band you've seen those youtubes of the kid drumming in the i don't know if you have in like an orchestra and then he throws up it's like in the at the end of a big drum solo he just finishes it as he's calming down he's like it's so great all right the first story story number one sent in by and i i don't know if we've ever had these person or group of people send in this is it makes me so happy

because i think it's a fake company sent in by deco resources at deco underscore resources so this is either a fake company or it's a real company and this person is using company also dumb story kind of great to make your burner account seem like a business right deco resources that's a big thing you know you can you can make an account that's like u.s tax collecting especially now yeah do when we drive on the one people and be like hey you owe us 35 bucks okay i would call my if i was making a fake company system services that's great right but there's a whole thing also where you can just you can you can get any email address or website and so you can say like you know jennifer lopez assistant at gmail.com 100 and then easily get a reservation so that's

right yeah you email the hotel ahead of you coming and then this is not my thing because jennifer lopez happens to be a close friend and you're her assistant and my assistant well you remember her when she was jenny from the block that's a whole and he actually calls her low and at that time i was her assistant and now she's my assistant that's wonderful she took circle she took david wayne assistant at gmail.com that's her email that's her email all right you ready yes here's the headline story number one exotic cat rescued from tree in ohio test positive for cocaine the tree tree? The tree did not. The exotic cat, which was rescued from a tree in Ohio.

Cats don't need cocaine. Cats, to me, are already on cocaine. Right. If you are dealing drugs, you have a responsibility to keep the drugs away from your pets. Or your exotic cat. I think I can speak with a little more expertise on this, having been born and grown up in Ohio. This is why we did this story. And in Ohio, cats are very similar to where they are in other states. Oh, okay.

So that's what I'm saying. There's no difference whatsoever. But I can just confirm that. Thank you for that. You know, we needed someone on the inside. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

What is this? Sounds like a cocaine bear situation. Yeah, it is. This could be the next episode. Cocaine cat. The exotic cat known as the serval cat. Have you seen? Oh, those are huge.

Big cats. Have you guys ever seen this? Serval cats are mountain lions. Doesn't Mary Lynn have a... Mary Lynn does not have a serval cat. Are you sure? She has a big cat. It probably is a serval cat.

She has a giant cat. I'm like, why do you need a serval cat? I'm going to confirm this. I wish my cat was more servile. Thank you. There you go, folks. The exotic cat known more servile. Thank you. There you go. Folks. The exotic cat.

Tested. Edit that one. Nope. We're keeping it in. Tested positive for cocaine after having a meeting with director Elizabeth Banks. Is that weird? Yeah. That's strange.

No. After being rescued in Cincinnati. I know it's not Cleveland, but we can still. Not even close. Not even close. It's like a different world. It's like a different world. Animal control. This is why people shouldn't have this whole story.

I'm climbing trees and doing coke in Cincinnati. I love that show. Servals are medium. They say medium-sized wildcats native to sub-Saharan Africa, meaning don't put them in Ohio. Right. Well, I mean, that is the southern tip of Ohio, so I understand. Is that sub-Saharan Cincinnati?

I mean, it's right on the border of Kentucky, so it may as well be. It's a very acrid climate. It's Saharan Ohio. No shade on Cincy, but my God. And that is literally no shade on Cincy, which makes it very Saharan. Also, that's a great TV show. No shade on Cincy. Was that Dabney Coleman, No Shade on Cincy?

The serval named Amory. Okay. A-M-I-R-Y, which to me, I've said this on the show. One of my favorite things to do is when my daughter was in gymnastics was to just write down in my, the notes section of my phone, the name of every kid who was in the gymnastics competition. And then when my wife and I were having a down moment later, I would just pull it out and just start reading the names that's amory jimberly jimberly was some kids jimberly yeah it's also where we booked our uh daughter's birthday party at jimberly yeah was rescued at the end of january after escaping from a vehicle during a police stop and climbing a tree so So clearly on cocaine, new cats, like I'm coked up.

If these cops are coming in here, I better get the fuck out of here. By the way, that's what someone on Coke would do. If the cops had stories where they like, you know, man in a tree, drunk,

stuck in a tree. Like, so it's just the cat. He didn't want to come down. Cause his girlfriend broke up with him. Was that it? No, sounds right.

I don't know. I just don't know how cats, where they get the money for this. I know exactly. Like who's he getting his cocaine from? Or she. Cat. Which responded to the incident. Ray Anderson, the shelter's.

They. I don't know. The shelter's community engagement manager told CNN that the cat's owner had been pulled over. CNN. Pulled over by the police for an unrelated traffic violation. Well, they didn't tell CNN. They told Don Lemon.

Are we talking about Cat News Network? For all your cat news save that idea save please save that idea this is it's like mail that to yourself cat news network is counter-programming to the puppy you know that would be a project to bring to dabney yeah i'm gonna give him a call give him a call may he rest in peace and i know he's not dead i told the cat News Network that the cat's owner. And so if you have a coked up serval cat in your car, maybe drive safer. Don't run a stop sign. S-T-O-P at every stop. I would check that the claws are clipped as well.

They had. Hamilton County dog wardens. What are we bringing a dog warden in for this? They hate cats. A division of Cincinnati Animal Care worked to retrieve the quote highly agitated highly upset serval from the tree. I'm sure that was fun. This is not like getting a tabby guys. This is like getting

a mountain lion that is coked up down from a tree. I know that growing up in Ohio the Cincinnati Animal Care whole department is corrupt and basically it's a popularity It's like cop land isn't it? Everyone's taken from everyone else. It's on the take.

I mean, I've seen so much evidence just disappear from these guys. I've seen them. You know what? I've seen them plant coke on a dog. I've also seen them see a stray dog with disease and look the other way because they were taking it from the rabies people. That's right. The rabies racket is insane in Ohio. That's what you're trying to say.

Insane. They took a sample for a DNA test and also tested him for narcotics. And after getting the DNA. Why would you test a cat? Why are you suspicious of a cat? So they test the DNA and they solve three cold cases. That's what I was thinking. What happened?

What are you doing 23andMe on a cat for? I know, right? Drug testing, rescuing animals is a fairly new procedure for the shelter according to the a facebook post so you know it's true i guess it would help you explain some of the behavior if you have an animal they started regularly giving an animal uh like like class one narcotics or maybe that maybe maybe the cat was about to do a bike race yeah and they need a drug test just doping he's like these oxygen levels are insane. His owner's like, sniff this and come up with three new business ideas.

Do it. So they started regularly testing exotic animals for narcotics after an incident last year where they seized a capuchin monkey named Neo who tested positive for methamphetamine. Well, there's the movie right there. Meth monkey? Meth monkey. We're two in. We've already got Cocaine Bear.

Meth Monkey is as good as Cocaine Bear. I think Cocaine Cat is the short before Meth Monkey. Cocaine Cat, right, exactly. That's the one that, like, the Pixar short, the animated short. The testing confirmed that Amory was indeed a serval, which are illegal to own in the state of Ohio, you know that, and that he'd been exposed to cocaine. Anderson told the Cat News Network that the shelter was unable to disclose how much cocaine

Ann Marie had, again, because they went and did the rest of it. You know these guys. I don't trust them. I don't trust them at all. There was some coke around. The investigation is ongoing. I didn't know that was illegal in Ohio, because as someone who grew up in Ohio, I do read through the legal code each year, but I didn't get to the animal control Ohio because as someone who grew up in Ohio I do read through the legal code each year but I'm not

I didn't get to the animal control part. And you do that every Christmas Eve. Sometimes I just skip to the changes. Well that's why you do it at Christmas. I get one with the changes marked. Here's your new laws and a Google doc with track changes. And you redline it and then send it back to them.

My thoughts which they always ignore. I think we can tighten up this law so they always ignore it but they always send you an email saying we appreciate what you've done yeah thank you love what you have here here's a few notes yeah in the facebook post the shelter said amory's owner cooperated with the investigation and relinquished the cat into the shelter's custody his owner was cooperative and paid for amory's care until all ownership transfers were finalized which is when this story went public. The Wildcat is now under the care of the Cincinnati Zoo, which we all know.

Dan, you're all bit about zoos. We don't need to have zoos anymore. No need for zoos. Right. Just a place to walk your kids around. That's right. Wait a minute. Then what do we replace them with?

Just leave them as a park. Let the kids play in the polar bear moat. But like, we don't need zoos. You know what a polar bear is. Zoos were invented to prove to people in Illinois that a zebra was real. Right. And we've gotten past that. Your zoo is on your phone.

We don't need this anymore. But what if we want to see a zebra? In Cincinnati? Checkmate. I'm playing devil's advocate here. We got you, Dan. He got you. That I'm playing devil's advocate here. We got you, Dan. He got you. That is the greatest devil's advocate.

I'm going to just repeat a fact you gave me with a question mark. What if I want to see a zebra on bath salts, huh? What am I going to do then? Where am I going to see that? Wildcats out of the care of the Cincinnati Zoo. According to a Facebook post and a blog post on Wednesday, the zoo said that Amory is eating well, moving around his new habitat indoors and outside.

And keeps asking the other animals for money. Let's pitch the other animals. I'm going to get you back, man. I'm going to get you back. Five business ideas that the cat thinks will definitely succeed. I wonder how my SeaWorld stock is doing. Is it plummeting or how's it doing? I don't know.

I check it every day. How many SeaWorlds are left? Is it just san diego orlando is black what was the oh yeah yeah killer whales yeah i used to go to the one that was near key biscayne florida all the time that sea world down there we've been to the one in san diego many a time yeah because it's just i don't want to go back exactly no we saw it we saw it we did all right there you go that's story one down in the books when we come back we'll find out uh jay and i participated in one of my favorite shows that we've done recently with uh david and he's taking

it out on tour we'll talk about that and what we have going on right after this it's dumb people town with david wayne don't go anywhere stick around look us down there's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to the show. Before we get into David Wayne and what he's got going on, Jason, what do we have? You want to tell us? We're doing... Because this is going to drop like right away. So we are doing our show Tag It, which is really fun.

Comedians come on, do their sets. We are writing feverishly jokes that are tags to their jokes that we then pitch them at the end of their set. So collaborative. On stage. With the audience. With the audience audience there it's really fun we're doing on the 13th at the comedy store in the belly room and then on the 18th we're doing it at largo with patten and fortune feimster and two huge guests that we are not allowed to announce you're going to be very glad you're there those

sound like amazing shows and i think we should all go yes let's all go to those shows and if you're listening to this after those you should just go to superschoolers.com because you probably have new dates for all dates we're doing another tagging on october uh 18th and a show at the bourbon room and just good stuff all the way around superschoolers.com uh we just did the middle-aged dad jam band with uh david wayne which was so much fun we sat it's even's even a fun TikTok follow. It is so fun. It's great. Where we sang a song. We sang Centerfold by the Jake Isles Band.

And we got to do our joke at the beginning that Jake Isles is the Jewish Mick Jagger. It's more than a joke. It's real. It's so real. He's the Jewish Jagger. And then that, of course, means that Bob Dylan is the non-practicing Jewish Peter Wolf. Where did you guys do it at? Where was it at? Dan.

This was at the Lodge Room in Highland Park. Which is unbelievable. Yeah. It was a really fun show it was a blast the crowd was so electric and hot the banter it was like going to see a rock concert like what if you went to see a rock concert and the comedy was as good as wet hot american summer like imagine that mixed in can i put that quote on our news? Yes, you absolutely should. So you went to see a rock concert and went hot American. You know what it reminded us of? It reminded us of a course of all of the lovely days of doing Stella.

Yeah. Well, yeah. So it had that same energy feel and you're just getting funny friends together and everyone's, but, and then adding the rock and roll aspect to it makes it what I, it's like a singalong.

What I love most about it is you guys got together and jammed. Right. Adding the rock and roll aspect to it makes it, for me, it's like a sing-along. It's David Wayne Fantasy Camp, the whole thing. What I love most about it is you guys got together and jammed. Right. And at some point, which happens with all, like, writers and comedians. We should do this. What if we, somebody said what if we, and it didn't die. There's so many what if we's, like, Rory and I have a hundred what ifs. But this what if we is so good because.

I love the follow-through the execution for us to actually execute something executed i mean it really it's it's a thing of social media where we just were posting random clips for fun and we got a lot of inquiries right from that people can you come and do this show here this and do it there so great and now we're like it's evolved really into a band with with an ongoing group of guests and we're now we're about to go to the Midwest. I know. So you're going on tour.

You're going to be in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Ann Arbor. In mid-September, we'll be in Ann Arbor, Cleveland, Ohio, Chicago, and Minneapolis. Unbelievable cities. Unbelievable cities. But please, if you know people or you are near there, come see us. It's a total blast. I'm going to tell you right now, as we performed in the show. Did you see us it's a really it's a total blast i'm going to tell you right now as we performed in the

show and then we did you see us we were like stood in the side a side stage and we watched the whole show it is so worth watching it is so much i mean we literally performed we were in it and then we became fans watching it the whole time it is just because i haven't seen the full show so is it sort of like a comedy bit tied to each song? Not exactly. Well, first of all, it's called Middle Age Dad Jam Band. Which I love. M-A-D-J-B dot com.

Just whatever. And it's a rock show. It's two big sets of incredible songs from 60s, 70s, 80s. Yeah. Like a really big fun. And there's all these different guest singers that come up and are part of it and there's like background singers and horn section and strings and cello it's like incredible whole thing and then we do banter like any band would do but we probably do more of it

and it's funnier than normal banter is and this is where it's like the banter is like hilarious bits that you love from you know wet hot but they're all brand new bits that were written for this show it's so fun and i hope you guys also do some fast like if sketch fest or moon tower our first gig we did was actually oh really san francisco sketch this past january amazing we had a huge show there it was really that's what that's what sort of we're like oh my god we should take this on tour that's great and we've so far we've also been to the whole east coast leg we just did denver we're going back to New York to see winery. We're going to be in Portland. It's wild.

The best, the best, the best, the best. I love it so much. And we have said out loud, I'm putting it on this show. Anytime you need us. Anytime you need us, we will come out. I'm sorry, I can't do it. MADJB.com. You're in the heavy rotation list.

MADJB.com. And they have sweet merch. The MADJB pink hat. Oh,b pink hat oh yeah dopest thing hot hat your son was wearing his son plays saxophone it's the coolest thing ever you guys it just go see it that's all and what can people see i know you post clips of it on uh at your at david wayne you can we have there's we have our own instagram and our own tiktok now right and m-a-d-j-b dot com is where you can there's a mailing list there. I'm doing a good job on this so far, right?

Yeah. Can I be the host from now on? Yes. Of this show, of Dumb People Town? Yeah. Great. You want to be a full-time, you're in the heavy rotation.

I'd almost love to replace you guys. Okay. All three of us? I'm fine if you replace me because you already have a sclar on the thing. There you go. And I've got so much to do. So David will be here.

Jason turns and throws. I would love David to be a full-time guest. No one comes and plays like David Wayne. I'm just going to say that. I come here to do the job. That's right. He comes here and he makes work. He makes play his work. And even if he showed up a half an hour late, like he did

on Role Models. I take my cue from Jim Cameron. I work hard and I play hard. I take my cue from Jim Cameron. I work hard and I play hard. I take my cue from Jim Cameron. I don't take myself too seriously. I take my cue from Jim Cameron. When he says action, that's when I start. When I make something, it's

three hours. That's right. You know, are you ready? I'm not even going there. I take my cue from Jim Cameron. I listen to other people's opinions. Let's go. Here we go. Sent in by Kyle Spike Spicer spiker is this story number two this is story number two we're ready to go tv kyle at tv kyle s-p-e-i-c-h-e-r spicer spicer spiker spiker spiker uh jewish you know the spikers spikers are coming over david

oh yeah put your good slacks on uh uh that ugly daughter they do well they bring her around they leave her in the car but it's gonna be woman robs spring hill bank with nerf style gun says she's joking according to that at what point yeah that's the key question at what point if she if you walk in with a gun and you're like i'm doing this as a joke it's still a bad idea but right it's a little better yeah this is like if you're playing a gun and you're like, I'm doing this as a joke, it's still a bad idea, but it's a little better. Yeah, this is like if you're playing pickup basketball and you put up a shot as someone hits you and it misses you and then you immediately call a foul. Every time you foul, if it goes in, you're like, it's good. By the way, knock, knock.

Who's there? Me with a gun. Me with a gun. Who? Also, it's probably like a bright neon, like nerf gun. I didn't have a photo of the gun. I didn't see a photo of the ceiling i didn't see a photo did she pull it over the shoulder in a dramatic way that's my it's a nerf gatling i know a guy

this is a real story when i was growing up a kid tried to steal the bicycle from my backyard garage and started running and some guy was walking down the street and took out his walkie-talkie and pointed it at the kid and said, stop or I'll shoot. And it worked. He stopped. Yeah. Cause you know, when you're stressed out,

you don't know what it is. You just see something black. If I'm, if I'm the guy running, I'd give the guy the benefit of the doubt. That's right. You don't want to find out. You don't want to,

you know, which is why this is not a good idea to do. It's bad. Uh, okay. Hernando County Sheriff's office said on June 1st well we all remember where we were on 6-1 and also we know hernando county sheriff they they're not messing around spring they put a statement out yes they responded to a bank robbery at the wells fargo on commercial way deputy said employees told them that vanessa ortega will guess how old

she is later okay enter the location about 12.30pm with a bright blue object. This is afternoon. Yeah. Lunchtime. A bright blue object that appeared to be a handgun. Bright blue. You gotta take if you've stopped it with a walkie talkie, you gotta treat everything like that. I hope she like shot

it off a couple times and then asked people to help refine the bullets. They could be any color. Thank you. That's right. According to the sheriff's office you'd know that i do play for my someplace where ortega pointed the object at the customers and bank staff before yelling i'm drunk this is a robbery give me all your money i'm i'm drunk first of all it's a hysterical joke it's so funny right yeah don't you get it as a professional i can say give that an a plus yeah you guys don't understand it's not my fault you guys look it might be too smart for you guys this is like andy kaufman way to read the room deputies allege that ortega even forced a

customer to give her all her money saying put all your money in my envelope is that a euphemism put all your money in my envelope in in uh in amsterdam that's what you say that's how i met your mother in the red light district also that's your i'm gonna go into this bank and get everybody's money and i'm bringing an envelope i would pay to watch someone put money in someone else even just the technical ability to put it into an envelope because you gotta move the wait the bills are almost as long as you gotta give me a second let me stack these bills one also someone's got to open the sides of the envelope. Yes.

You got to maybe push. Also, you have to make sure she might have been sweating and accidentally sealed the envelope. Right. And then you're in this like, hold on, I'm peeling. Let me peel it. Let me. Because I want to be able to.

You guys aren't even getting this joke. Or maybe they lent her and let her open her. All right. So wait. Here's where I like this. They lent her a sharper weapon. Here's where I think she is actually being funny, or she realized it was a mistake.

However, when she got to the teller window, Ortega said she was only joking before withdrawing $500 from Rowan's account. So she walks in, yells to everybody, I'm here to rob it, then gets up to the teller and goes, I'm joking. No, no, she took money from a woman and had her put in an envelope. She does everything in the lobby area. Gets up to the counter and says i'm joking no no she took money from a woman and had an envelope she does everything in the lobby area gets up to the counter hey i'm joking i enter sir boop boop boop give me five hundred dollars how much money did she get from the but they let her continue doing anything after she pointed a gun at people i mean at this point everybody wants to

go along with the bed she actually got a she got a cooler for it was a big yes and crowd yes it's right by the Florida. I know when this improv team goes to the bank and that's when I'm going. And that's they can't stop me. They can't say no. Yeah, we took that improv to the bank. You guys. All right, here we go.

The sheriff's office. Can I get a suggestion from the victims? One word. One word. Sheriff's office said the bank staff easily identified Ortega because she was a regular at the bank. Is this a joke? I don't know if she's joking. It's her bank.

She went to her bank. Her name is, I think, Vanessa Ortega. Vanessa. Now that the details are coming in, I guess it feels like it really was a joke. It might have been a joke. It's a joke of an attempt. It's still not a good joke. Let's sauce up Wednesdays a little bit.

But it is like they know her. I would love to see the tape. Is she like hey uh andy how are the kids or like the assistant manager steven who's like vanessa what are we doing here hey hey steve how's your son's soccer team i need all your money all your money all your money envelope right now jk jk jk jk is he doing t-ball jk jk although it's maybe it's like at the airport where they say you're not even allowed to joke about it you can't joke about it no no no this is it no okay it's like at the airport where they say you cannot even allow to joke about it. You can't joke about it. No, no, no, no. Okay. Upon reviewing surveillance video, the deputies also recognized Ortega from previous interactions.

Yes. Well, was she there like a week ago opening up a 529? Like I'm also like someone who goes to the bank in these days. Yeah. If you're in your bank a lot, then that says a lot about you. You don't need to be in your bank. I don't think I've set foot in a bank in decades. Years.

Ages. It's all done. All my money is in Bitcoin under my mattress. Growing up, though, in the 70s, I remember I would go with my mother to the bank all the time. And get a lollipop. Yeah. I don't know what she needed to do there. Would you go to the drive-thru in the bank where they had the thing you stick in the thing?

Oh, I loved it. Yeah, it was the best. So fun. Where did it go? How did they know? The vacuum seal? and then they'd send back the lollipop in the return there are still buildings that use those vacuum tube message systems and they're like there's new tech companies that do it as sort of a retro cool thing i actually

think that's really cool yeah yeah like i'm waiting for a coffee place to like do it and could not do it in a coffee place no i think i feel i have seen it done with food i have seen like some cool restaurants where they they're doing like weird you know techie it must be an ohio thing uh in addition to the bank robbery call okay deputies also got a call about a verbal disturbance at another place so she's she's on a rampage she's not she's her for that too i think so that's maybe at her new material You know how many sets she got in that day? I know. She's like, just bullying people at a Sky Zone? What is she doing? At a Sky Zone.

Maybe she's just so, so bored. She's like, I got to do some jokes. Come on. The sheriff's office learned that Ortega was also involved in that disturbance. Of course she was. Yeah. This is her day. And also, when you say it in the story. It's going to be her.

It's going to be her. It would be very weird. Turns out that disturbance was a completely other person. Don't know why we wrote this in the story, it's going to be her. It's going to be her. It would be very weird to say something. Turns out that disturbance was a completely other person. Don't know why we wrote this in the story. We've had those. We have had those. They were close to each other. They need to fill like a thousand words.

Isn't it weird that these two disturbances were so close to each other? But my question. Also, the air conditioning stopped working at the sheriff's office that day. Again, completely unrelated, but we wanted to throw that in. And we fixed that pothole over on 7th. And you know your cousin Steve. We don't know our cousin Steve. Okay.ives said after taking or taking into custody she admitted to yelling about the robbery while wielding a nerf style toy gun which she said she uses for

her own protection what okay wait now she twisted it again it's like a david wayne bit she keeps burying herself but It's a robbery. It's not a robbery. But how did she say it? If she said it in a really sorry, which I use for my own protection. Was she winking when she said it? That's my question. Also, against who?

Because if it's eight-year-olds, they will run from a Nerf gun. That's a protection situation. You're protecting yourself from neighbors, kids that might be trying to come after you. She didn't say that's the end of it. All right, here's before we get out of here. I bet the guy who stole your bike would have stopped if someone would have pointed a nerve maybe she uses it to tie her n95 mask together so it's that kind of protection 100 right that's what is protecting her from different things yeah or she shoots condoms onto her partner's penis

penis that's a great if true that's a great it's peni and that's a great trick right because that then it is her for her protection but it's like perfect it takes forever it's just so many tries because her tiktok account is one of those trick shot things yeah and so that's a whole part of it as well like dude but it's not trick shots they're called dick shots people throw cards into like cd for an hour condom on the dick yes we got it we got one time it's like a man uh all right how old let's let's get out of here 27 straight up that's he didn't even hesitate woman who was joking about a gun has a nerf gun says it's for protection but also says she's gonna go 41 41 27 54 54 years old i thought you'd go young she's our age get answers in. Shout out your ham radios wherever you are.

Vanessa Ortega is 31 years old. Wow. You were the closest. David Wingo. Do I get macaroni? You do. On your way out. You get 25 more people showing up to the Ann Arbor show. And then Minneapolis, and then Chicago,

and then Cleveland. MADJB. Middle-A-D-J-B. Middle-agedadjamband.com. For the dates. Dan, give us a taste of what we're going to hear in segment three. An athlete loses a race in the worst way possible. I love it. We've got more Dumb People Town.

I'm looking forward to segment three. I am not tuning away. He's not. He's going to stay here. Dave's going to stay with us for segment three. It's Dumb People Town with David Wayne. We'll be right back. Stick around.

Make it sound. There's more Dumb People Town with David Wayne. We'll be right back. Hey guys, I'm so excited about this sponsor, Jay, because all three of us are huge sports fans. And it's fun. I love that PrizePix has decided to sponsor our podcast. Me too. Because it's really so simple to play PrizePix. I can make my picks and

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Here's what you do. Head to Faraday brand.com slash DPT. Use the code DPT at checkout. That's F-A-H-E-R-T-Y brand.com slash DPT. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we jump into the final story and Daniel Van Kirk takes us home. Dan, where can people see you? I know you have something really big coming up on 11-11.

On 11-11, I'm shooting my special two shows in Chicago at the Lincoln Lodge. Go to DanielVanKirk.com for those tickets. The night before, I'm headlining my hometown in Rochelle. And between when we are recording this and then, I will be all over the Midwest. I'm opening night of 10,000 Laughs in Minneapolis. I'm headlining Yuck Fest in Boston. I'm headlining Hilarities in Cleveland. This guy's busy.

I'm working on it. So there's so many cities, Midwest, South. Our buddy Hayes has a great place in Raleigh. I've never played Raleigh. They have the Rialto Theater. That's on a Saturday night, the 14th. There's tons of stuff. Go to danielvankirk.com.

And if you know anything about WordPress, let me know because I need to fix my site. Question, when you go on these gigs, do you go and hang out and have a drink after or you're like, I did my work or I'd get out of there? I love it all. I will say to people, where's a great bar with a shuffleboard table around you?

And you meet people. You're more than welcome to come. Dan is great. And you know, because of COVID, i did a whole bunch of like digital shows because i felt weird doing stand-up on for nobody in the room and um i got to know a lot of fans of this podcast fans of mine fans of how cool people town i'm sorry pen pals they come in support and so yeah if they come out to the show if i see a kevin harrington in uh in new orleans or an elise leblanc in new england i will say like hey let's get where you guys going let's go somewhere after this i also think on this tour i might on sunday morning say

is anybody with the sunday ticket watching the bears game and i'll just go walk or find a good bar you absolutely should you were gonna ask can I plug one more thing? Yes, please. I have this sketch comedy troupe called The State. I vaguely remember that. Amazing sketch comedy group from the 90s. And it's myself and Kerry Kenney and Tom Lennon, Ken Marino and Joel Atrullio and Michael Liam Black, et cetera, et cetera. And we are on tour now. Love it.

And we're about to announce it, but I'm just giving you a little hint. Yeah, give a taste. We've got three shows coming up in New York city, uh, in mid October. And then we are going to be making some announcements about Los Angeles and, um, San Francisco and Boston. Wow. And we're all over it. I love it.

To get 10 people out to go on the road. That's insane. Yeah. We just did, uh, our first in denver and it was insane what will kevin allison be at the paramount theater oh my god kevin allison wonderful uh sentimental thing a whole lot of pudding it was one of the first bits i ever copied before you know about making your own stuff oh wow and i would always do it for my mom and my stepdad and i and he passed away uh shortly after i would like to that bit and um because my mom

would uh whenever she wanted a good laugh and to think of him would be like do it again do it again i would do the whole both both characters the whole bit where'd you get all that pudding it was so wow you guys love this beautiful come on son i'm gonna dip my balls in it and porcupine racetrack are you doing Porcupine? It's a fan favorite. Fan favorite. It's old and new material, but it's a great show. And Teddy Shapiro, Porcupine Racetrack.

All the favorites are involved. God damn it. Are you ready for story three, friends? Let's do story three and take us home. I don't know if you talked about this in cheap seats. If you did, fire up those jokes again, because I guarantee you have them. Athlete loses race in Columbia sent in by ace of finance at dragon ilm in an unfortunate turn of events an athlete lost the 400 meter race at the 2022 world olympics the u20 championships due to a wardrobe malfunction so he ran out of his shorts literally what 18 year old was it lenny kravitz alberto that so it's under 20 that's that you

know bro hey twitter alberto he won my head he was in nanino oh no no uh-huh who hails from italy was competing at the 400 meter decathlon in colombia oh he's italian this was on purpose yeah this is totally on purpose he's trying to get your girlfriend. Oops. Yeah. My penis. Alberto Noguinho started off extremely well, gaining pace against his competitors, leaving the bystanders and the impression that he might win the race with ease. However, after Noguinho passed the middle lane, he looked uncomfortable and kept reaching down to hold his crotch a couple of times. At the time, viewers did not know what went wrong, but Nonino's pace decreased a bit, allowing competitors to overtake him. As per LAD, I don't know what this is, LAD Sports, LAD Bible?

As per somebody. I don't know. David Sanchez de Castro, great name, reported that his penis kept falling out of his shorts. By the way, he wanted this to happen. He's like, I'm not going to win this race but i need i need everyone to know it's like when a comic goes on stage and it's like you know it's really hard being single this is a picture of the race you could see him here in blue with his hand so he

keeps not to flopping out not to be attracted to wear briefs or boxer briefs or like compression shorts i can tell you i can unless you're a braggart relate to this i it has nothing to do with having a big cock which i don't but it has to do you're in good company yeah but like if you just sometimes i grab like the wrong shorts to play tennis or something and they're just the elastic has worn out too much yeah too much and then suddenly i have to readjust every two seconds yes because your balls are not snugly you're not you're not in it also though shouldn't you have a team specified uniform that is like we will put this in your locker if you're in the world championships you should be breaking out a new pair of shorts for your or at least

checking them yes you should have three oh you know what these are the shorts i use to clean my garage how can i be stupid? It's a rag. I brought the rag instead of the real shorts. Taking it to real life stuff, it is horrible when you find yourself doing some sort of manual chore for your home and realize you should have changed your shirt before you started this. But by that point, you're already in that sweat. And you're like, why did I decide to start moving things around the garage in this outfit? In a button.

Yeah. Fuck this shit up forever. I feel like, though, I have to say this things around the garage in this outfit? In a button. Yeah. Fuck this shit up forever. It is horrible. I feel like, though, I have to say this, and it's probably going to be something I regret. But it reminded me, as you started to read that story, about my friend Stuart Blumberg and I, when we were maybe five, used to make a lot of fake radio reports on the Radio Shack tape recorder in my bathroom. Of course you did.

And we would be like, and in sporting news, Henry Mishkemas won the race. But there was something wrong about it. He won it with his penis. Okay, so if he's running and he is erect, you could win by a head. That's what I said. Literally.

But why you would be hips first would be a very odd way to run. Well, I just, last week I went to that race they had of all the vegetables. Did you see that? No. Well, the lettuce was ahead.

Oh. Hey! There it is. Leave that in. Leave that in. Toledo was trying to catch up. Oh, God. Come on.

This is. If there's any other reports, let us know. David, this is a family show, Dave. No, but it was a good race. The incident did not allow him to run properly during the race. The 18-year-old athlete did try to tackle the issue, but nothing worked in his favor at the moment. Unfortunately, he finished last with a time of.

Now, this is a 400-meter race. 400-meter race. How long do you think it took him to finish? I'm a track dad. I can. 20 minutes. Remember you were at the 20. Finish the race.

I should have said. Finish the race. Yeah. You're a track dad too. This is the 2022 World Athletics Under 20 Championships. Okay. So he's made it through. They've made it through.

So a good 400 time. So good. So just to extrapolate out. He's dick adjusting the whole time. 42 seconds is a good 400 time.... So just to extrapolate out, I just... He's dick adjusting the whole time. 42 seconds is a good 400 time? 43 seconds? I would say yes. At the Worlds?

Yeah. Yes. 43, 40... So what do you think he's doing with a constant adjustment, which is messing up his stride? 48. 48 from David Dwayne. A minute 20. I'm going to say 55 seconds.

55? Yeah. Can I also say, if you guys haven't done this on Cheap Seats, do it anyway because you could do it with the video with the guest and it would be hilarious. Because you'll probably be like, oh, he's starting to lose it. Okay. Yeah.

Starting to. He finished last with a time of 51.5 seconds. Wow. That's still pretty good. That's still. That's when you state. Last out of how many? Out of 51.5 seconds. Wow, that's still pretty good. That's still pretty good. That's when you state in some places. Last out of how many? Out of two.

Well, in the picture, there's six people. All right. I mean, he didn't have to finish himself off. You know, regardless, I salute him for getting to the finals and for participating and finishing and just for being a good sportsman. Yeah. I mean, like three women helped like you know how rare is it that a man lets someone else finish first folks i'm out of here i mean he's

off the set have you guys heard have you guys heard of the impossible mile oh it's a workout like a crazy workout thing that people eat like three impossible burgers no it's you get you go to a track it's 400 meters of burpees oh then 400 meters of lunges oh no then 400 meters of bear crawls and then a 400 meter run i'd be done after one meter of burpees they say that when you get they say that when you get to the 400 meter run it feels so easy yeah of course you've already done all this the idea of running you're like yeah i'll do this when i was in my 20s i did like a. When I was in my 20s, I did like a mini triathlon. I'm in my 30s now. I did this mini triathlon in Brooklyn.

I remember the swimming and the biking was so, so hard. To the running, it was like nothing. You know, they have one here. I do it at the Rose Bowl. And it's a reverse. They call it a sprint, like a mini. You swim at the Rose Bowl pool. You do at the end.

You start with the run. And you do at the end you start with the run and you go one time around the rose bowl and that uh golf course mentally because it's only one lap it feels way better but it is a 5k but it feels like you're i'm only doing this once yeah then you go to the bikes you go to your bike station and you do your bike same thing three times which feels way easier than the run you just did sure and then you go back drop your bike at the bike station run over to the pasadena aquatic center and you do down back down and when you come out that's the finish but it's it is like it's challenging for us but it's not undoable sounds fun it is i would do that damn when is it it's the second weekend of march at what point is your penis

one could just do that any day you really really actually could. Let's go today. Let's just do it. I mean, we do got to get out. We got to get back to work. You guys, David Wayne, thank you for joining us on the show. And everybody go see the state live. Go see the middle-aged dad jam band live, which is so fun. Who knows?

Maybe when they're back in LA, we might pop up again on the show. Davidwayne.com. Davidwayne.com. And go to superscores.com to see them live. Danny VanCamp.com to see him. Bring me a headline to start on my shows. So many things to go to. Yes. And to superscores.com to see them live. Bring me a headline to start on my show. So many things to go to. And they're all great.

We've planned your goddamn fall. Enjoy all that. And oh shit, we gotta get back to work, everybody. Boom. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town.