Dumb People Town - Derek Waters - Massage In A Grocery Store

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Comedian and show creator Derek Waters (Drunk History) stops by as Jason describes how a bus driver on a field trip got arrested for OWI, Randy explains how a couple got arrested over an X-rated margarita stunt goes viral, and Daniel warns against attempting a string of robberies in the same stretch of town, and so much more!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose We'll make the news breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan. Members, don't be a jerk, because when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, Tuck your downies, Dumb People Town.

Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of... Dumb People Town! Population, yeah. Population Waters! Derek. Derek, we're gonna swim in the Derrick Waters today and I'm very excited. I'm great, I'm great, I'm glad to be back.

So happy to have you back. Ready to learn about more dumb people. I straight up accosted this dude at a supermarket and I was like, come back into our pocket. And I looked in what he bought. He let you look in his bag. And I, so I have to report report I'm very sad to report this I Have not gotten the ceviche

Where were you? Studio Hoping he would just say supermarket supermarket I only fuck with a gals people don't know what that is out in the world world Yeah, I know their salad bar is untouchable There is an actual bar in Gelsens and I asked you if you've gotten drunk in there. And I walked away. You walked away without answering. Are you talking about the one? I'll meet you for a drink in a Gelsens. Are you talking

about the one on Franklin? I will meet you for a drink in a Gelsens. The Gelsens on Franklin by UCB, they opened up a bar in there too. They opened it on St. Patrick's Day. Smart. Which just. Is that a good idea? Right, in any other city you'd be like, oh mayhem. But LA has pockets where people care about St. Patrick's Day and because of birds and that little strip red, that is one that can get a nuts.

People went ape shit inside that. Of course they did. Oh my God, it was so funny. Did they play Jump Around by House of Fame? They take requests. You can sit, this is what. Great avocados there, by the way. You can sit at the bar and have a drink

and have someone else do your shot. Like give the list. Is that real? And someone else can do your shopping. Is that real? That is real. No, that's not. It is! Someone who works for Gelsitz.

Yep, they'll shop and do your stuff for you while you're having a drink. That's pretty cool. It might be like, that is the closest thing to a massage you can get in a grocery store. And then the happy ending is they pay for it. They have it now. I mean, they have to sign something,

because let's say you get really drunk. Isn't that person semi-responsible for you driving? They are a little bit. Man-slaughter. Yeah, he wrapped his Ford Focus around a telephone pole after the death. Yeah, because I shop Ford Focus around a telephone pole after the death. Yeah, because I shopped for him. He kept ordering eggs.

Well, this, this- You can't order food at the bar. Why? Okay, yeah. He kept ordering- No, no, no, he kept asking, no, I don't like these eggs. He kept ordering dozens of eggs.

Show them, get more of them. Give me the brats. Cage free! Cage cage free. Show me the licorice again, show me the licorice. That would be though, you get drunk at a grocery store and then you just go buy all the stuff to make sandwiches. You're sitting there at their bar just being like,

who wants one? You've got like a giant. We've got bars that a giant mustard open. Scoot me some up. So obviously maybe it's an honor of Drunk History, one of the greatest TV shows of all time. We got a good drug story here. Oh, wonderful.

I put one in too, this is great. All right, this was sent in by Sam Householder, at Sam Householder. He will hold your house for you if you need him to. This is great. So I don't even have the first article on this. This is just the headline. More details on bus driver taking local kids

on field trip arrested for OWI. Okay. More. More details on bus driver taking local kids on field trip arrested for OWI. Okay. More. Man. More details on this. So is this a question of we're now just testing our bus drivers on field trips? Period, like they're all drunk.

Like they were all drunk, we just didn't test them in the past. When a cop decides to like give tickets for speeding in an area where everyone's just speeding. You know, guys, can I give part of my political program for my own campaign? There's a dearth in this country of school bus drivers. It's like a problem.

I think they should say, because you had 65 to retire, right? They should say at 60, you can keep your pay and everything. We'll subsidize it by the government if for the last five years you wanna drive a bus. So that people could go, I am ready to retire, but okay, for my last five years, I'll just drive these kids around

because we need bus drivers. That's probably why we ended up with this person. Because you're an instant fire. Instant fire. I'll flip it on you and I'll add another thing to it. First five years, get some 21 year olds out there. If you agree to be a bus driver for one year, you never have to do jury duty for the rest of your life.

Oh! That's true or that's your political? No, that's his bitch. That's my political pitch. You just thought about it. Let me do it. That is kinda cool. I did, well, I know, I love jury duty, I do.

What do you love about it? Well, I'm interested in cases. I'm interested. It's like two different plays told by two different, I don't know. I've done it twice and I like it. I liked it. But I don't want to do it again.

Were you on a case? I was on a case. And they selected you? I was so excited. I was unemployed. It was great. Was this pre- I had just seen the staircase

and I was like, I'm in it, I'm in it. When's the owl, when's the owl? This is like an old lady whose husband had died from a pacemaker who had had four or five heart attacks and was blaming the doctor. The pacemaker company? Yeah, the doctor. But anyway, real quick sidebar about why I'm,

I'm always pro, I'm a sidebar guy. These are all sidebars a bus story a bus a bus a bus driver story a couple weeks ago, I Heard from my brother that my nephew and his friends Duck-taped their faces on the bus to make people think that they were being kidnapped. Being kidnapped.

Stop it. Stop it. Just thinking that's one small story of what bus drivers go through. They have to go through. They can't control what's going on back there. They can't be like, do you have duct tape? Yeah, right. They're not going to look through people's backs. Yeah, but they're going to get pulled over. They aren't even seat's going on back there. They can't be like do you have duct tape? Yeah, right look through people's bags. I'm gonna get pulled over. They aren't even seatbelted in back there There's no seat belts are they like riding and help her been seat belts unless you're special needs

No, I believe I remember we were I was on the wrestling team and we were coming back from a meet and the bus driver Just pulled over got out and just started walking. No, you gotta, because you guys were being too disruptive. Yeah, everybody was being fucking nuts, right? Oh my God. And then the coach gets off, and we're like all watching him talk to the bus driver, and then he comes back and he's like, guys, guys, the bus driver's going through some stuff.

So then we were like, maybe it wasn't us, like he was dealing with some sort of demons up there at the front. So yeah, he just got up and started walking. And bus driver disciplined his new wife's, his stepson. That's right. Too harshly. And she told him he's got to sleep on the couch. But his whole life I always thought that if he was mad at us and he had yelled at all

of us, that might have helped work for like five minutes. But the pull over, get up, walk off and start walking. We didn't say a word of course He just got off the bus started walking away from the bus he showed you how much you needed him very true Safeties like safety like if you're in fifth grade you became like you were like a crossing guard or something like that? Yeah but there were two safeties on each bus did you know? Oh no no I like that so you so they made students responsible for telling other students to calm down. Yeah yeah yeah and as I was respected I'm sure. Yeah I was a safety course and I remember a kid wrote fuck on the back of the bus, and I got in trouble.

But I never saw the guy ride it. You got in trouble? Well, I was like, so why did you see it was on my watch? On his watch. We need you on that wall. That's so... Here we go, you guys want to hear this story? Yeah.

More details have emerged in the case of the charter bus driver who was charged with an owi while transporting local high school Kids to a theater show in Grand Rapids. It's a o w Because it's not I don't understand why we can't get a national acro DWI Jimmy Dwaye was driving all right the schoolcraft police department has released its old bus full of theater kids. Yeah Wait, so it's a bus full of theater kids? Yeah. Oh my God. So they're gonna be singing.

926,600 minutes. That's how long it takes to get to the show. The Grand Rapids show. All right, here we go. The official, it states. I love him. The head chaperone on the trip noticed the bus driver, John Schmidt, was driving erratically,

unable to stay in his lane, hitting two large traffic cones without noticing. Traffic cones. Driving how fast in a 55? If you're really quick, okay. Yeah, gas is a 91. In a 55? 91.

But don't you kinda hope he's going 28? That's what I was thinking though. Go the other way, go the other way. the other way go go whatever way oh man. Yeah, I'm gonna go too slow I'm gonna he's drunk, but he's like I gotta do it right I'm gonna go 28 miles an hour I said 91 I'll go 88 88 so then he could 1.21 gigawatts he's trying to go back in time back in time before she left here we go he was going 80 miles an hour wow chaperone said schmidt's comments became more and more suspicious when he began talking about his military time in iraq okay oh boy thank you for your service that was

your service no more no more your service done. We came up on a blind. So obviously, the guy's got some demons. And he's inappropriately working through some things. Sure. But having said all that, thank you for your service. Don't drink and drive kids. As a man who doesn't have kids. Thank you for your service.

If I found out you were driving my kid. Yeah. Drunk. Any kids. Drunk. Do you know what I've done when I've seen someone hit a dog? Oh my God. Drunk. Any kids. Drunk. Do you know what I've done when I've seen someone like hit a dog? Oh my god.

You've seen someone hit a dog? I fucking... Oh yeah. With their car or with their body? No, no, no. With their hand. And I was like, you saw what I do? I saw two men willingly suplex each other.

I saw red. I mean he was like, this isn't your business. And I go, you made it my, I mean, I went mad. I went far, I was in Houston, Texas. Like in the alley at like where? No, it was like outside of an apartment complex. And I, not good. Yeah, I mean, it was bad.

I reported him to the, I don't even live there. I reported it with a complex, but I was like, Yeah, you see something like that. Yeah. Right. Right. So if I, if it's my kid and I found out that you drove drunk. I don't care if you, how many tours. At some point. You're gonna be mad at him

but you're gonna thank him for his service. Thank him for your service. That's what I said. I'm hitting you right now because of what you're doing but I'm thanking you for what you did. We're gonna have a talk and I'm gonna give you an opportunity to tell me about the changes

that you're gonna make in your life. That's right. And I will follow up on those But depending on how that goes we weren't we are not gonna have a pleasant. It's not gonna be fun You know I'll say thank you for your service. Thank you You've heard an animal I will destroy your life. He allegedly asked the chaperone to come flying with him. Nope I don't even know if he has a way. Let's like flying with him. Nope. I don't even know if he has a pilot's light. Is that the song? Yeah. Come fly with me. Telling him, telling him. Who is he telling? He's telling the chaperone. He

told the chaperone. Come fly with me. He then told the chaperone that he loved him and that they should hang out at Schmidt's house. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. So getting denied, he got upset. Yeah. According to the report, another chaperone faked an illness to get Schmidt to pull into a local McDonald's. That's right. Once, this is so smart people town right here. Once at the McDonald's, the main chaperone and another parent stole the bus, walked into

the restaurant and called the bus company to report the driver. Right. I don't know if that's what you should do. Yeah, you 100% should. Why not the cops? Why not the cops? No, I'm saying that's one of the steps. Yeah, right.

The main chaperone then walked back out to the bus where the other chaperones, the kids and Schmidt were waiting. So are they hatching a plan? Right. He was getting them in an acapella of him. He was. Sound of music. Come fly away with me.

And he's stripping. All right. What do you mean you guys haven't seen blown away? This movie's great. It should be a musical. Once upon a master's my ass. He's like Denzel in that movie where the plane goes upside down. Yeah, flight. Flight. Couldn't I remember the name of that? I thought it was airline. All right. Okay. According to the main chaperone, the students informed me that I went, oh, this is, okay. Okay, so once at the McDonald's, the main chaperone and other parent walked out of the restaurant and called the bus company. We

said that. They got back to where they were waiting. According to the main chaperone, the students informed me that when I went into the McDonald's, John exited the bus, walked around the car wash building and urinated in plain view of all the passengers. Sure, he had pedophile. I mean now he's a sex offender. I'm fine now. I'm fine I got it all. I got it all out. Oh so you don't want me to pee? No. I did a car wash. They're gonna wash it off. What a drug person does the thing where they take it to a level that oh would you rather I peed on the kids? Should I just piss all over? Should I piss all over these fucking kids? Come pee with me! Who wants to get peed on because obviously I'm a bad guy

Who wants a golden shower? I just think he wears soap Undo my fly with me and think of me I like that Over here Sorry you gotta stop and think the feet over here. Sorry you gotta stop. No, I'm gonna be where no one can see, I don't care. And like two of the kids are like, he's good.

But we all can see. No, the kids are like. I think we need him. The kids are like. We need that baritone. Can you do a baritone? The kids are like, you're a little up here, I want you down here.

I want you down here. Come fly. Kids are all in a circle, zip-zap-zopping. They're like, what's going on over there? All right, this is... What you do with a problem like John Schmidt. John, Jacob, Jacob, I'm Schmidt. This is when the main chaperone instructs the parents and the kids get off the bus and go to the McDonald's.

When Schmidt was on the phone with them. Meanwhile, the kids are thinking, what a great detour. Unbelievable. Yeah, we didn't want to go sing. McDonald's. We saw that guy pee and we get to go to McDonald's? Where's this taking place? They were driving to Grand Rapids, it's in Michigan.

We got trouble. From where? In Grand Rapids. From where to where, from where? I guess they were going to a theater, I don't know where they were coming from. He doesn't know the territory. He doesn't know the?

When Schmidt was on the phone with the bus company who hired him, the main chaperone was able to grab a large styrofoam cup that Schmidt was drinking from during the trip. When he opened the lid, he was met with a strong odor of cinnamon and alcohol. What are you talking about? That's just him.

Yeah. He doesn't go to the territory. What are you talking about? Anyways, okay, the manager of the... What are you saying? He's doing a Tom Waits version. What do you mean? Somewhere...

Somehow... I'll find a place that's worth peeing. Well he was just trying to do his impression of the whiz. And I heard kids. The manager of the McDonald's... So he has Fireball in his coffee. Yes, he's got Fireball in his coffee. They went and while he was on the phone,

parents are on a reconnaissance mission to grab his cup. It's almost like they're trying to get DNA. Manager of the McDonald's told police, the kids from the bus came to the restaurant visibly upset with some crying. It is theater group. Somebody is there. They're on the verge of tears just going.

They're emotionally accessible kids. They were accessing other memories to create those tears. Yeah, could be. You have to ask. It is theater kids. All right, the group chaperoned following shortly after the group was trying to avoid contact with Schmidt during this time, the manager said Schmidt entered the restaurant to confront the chaperone who took his cup but was escorted outside by another McDonald's employee.

So now have you ever seen a McDonald's employee go above and beyond? Rochelle, Illinois. You have? Of course. Go above and beyond the call of dutyullough Illinois. You have of course go above and beyond the call of duty. Oh yeah. They're they're great there. But I agree with you on the road. It's a free for all those that they're lucky the McDonald's was like all of you out. Sully McCullough who will be on our show at Largo. Sully McCullough is bit. It's the greatest.

It's like he saw a guy. What is it like. You cannot get fired from McDonald's. Like you could knife the manager and cut him and the manager be like you cut me bad but I need you on those fries over there can't let you go okay you don't want me driving the bus I'm not gonna drive those but can we admit it's my cop it is like just give me a cutback give me the cup the police report goes on to state authorities attempted to have Schmidt complete a sobriety test with him telling police multiple times, it's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen.

Now look, everything he's doing is in the wrong. When it comes to that, you should deny the sobriety test. Yes, deny it. He was taken to the hospital for a chemical test, at which point he decided to cooperate with the test and told police he had poured, Dan, you are so right. Well, you said peach jumps? He said peach jumps. 20 ounces of fireball poured, Dan, you are so right. Or who said it? He said peach jumps.

20 ounces of fireball whiskey. Oh, you said fireball whiskey. You said fireball whiskey. Well, it's because of the cinnamon. Into his cup before starting to drive. 20 ounces. 20 ounces? 20 ounces of fireball.

That's like larger than that liquid death. How many kids are on the bus? Do we have a count on that? We don't, but it's a group. Let's attempt a murder. 100%. This right here is 19.2 fluid ounces. That's wild. Police took photos of the cup and the report states that

there are only a few ounces of whiskey left. So we had had 17 to 18 ounces of whiskey on the drive. The thing is addiction, obviously it's a disease, it's real, right? But you decide to be a bus driver. right? So like something else buddy So now we're gonna go like working a parking the overnight security guard in a like financial building And just get fucking hammered every night toast it up when you're hey Drink when you finish drink as you pull that bus in after you've taken your kids on fit have 20 I'll go home and have 20 20 All right

The transportation company that Schmidt was driving for sent a replacement driver to transport the school group. And this guy was high as shit. High as hell. And they got there and that's story number one. Wow. They made curtain? You think they made curtain?

Oh, I don't know. I got there at intermission. I'm sure they did. At least an hour long. You think they made curtain? Is that a phrase that you just made? Did they make curtain? Yes.

Did you guys make curtain? You make that curtain? We went in. Five minutes till curtain goes up. Thank you, five minutes. Curtain call. Right? I've just never heard did they make this? Did you guys make curtain? You make that curtain? We went in and curtain goes up, you're fine. Thank you, five minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just never heard, did you make curtain? That's the curtain call. You all get called in front of the curtain.

Okay, okay. Did you make curtain? Curtains up. Curtains up, I like that. Did you make curtain? There you go, that's story one down the books. Derek Waters is with us, we can tell you how you see, how you can support him and all that other stuff

and what we've got going on. Kickstart. Kickstart after the break. That's coming down. Stick around, make a sound, there's more than a people town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get into how you can support

the great Derek Waters, we've got stuff coming up. I gotta say this, we're gonna be in Ann Arbor, Michigan doing a show at the Michigan Theater on Friday, September 27th, that's a huge theater, 1,400 seats. Let's see what we can do Ann Arbor. It's alumni weekend, family weekend. My daughter's a huge theater, 1400 seats. Let's see what we can do, Ann Arbor. It's alumni weekend, family weekend. My daughter's a sophomore there, so I'll be back with my family.

Anybody who's there for alumni family weekend, come see our show on Friday night. It's so much fun. Do you know who your support is? We don't. We don't have support. It could be Dan. I was wondering if you get,

I don't know if you're like incorporating some of the Michigan vibe and the support. Maybe, but I don't know, Dan. If you wanna come see us on stage. Maybe I'll have my come see us on stage. Maybe I'll have my daughter introduce us on stage. That could be cool. It's Friday the 27th.

She's in the improv group there. Same improv group that John Glazer and Matt Price and Mike Blyden were in, just great. The same group? So it's been around since the late 70s. The theater or the group? Comedy, the improv group called Comedy Company. And it just rotates new students coming in.

That's awesome. It's like Menudo. That's awesome. So yeah, so she's doing that. So that's September 27th, and then we're gonna be in Vegas in October at Wise Guys. We're gonna be at Comedy Fort in Fort Collins at the beginning of November,

and then we're doing the Flyover Festival in St. Louis. We're doing the Sheldon Theater on Saturday night, November 16th. And then in December here in LA, doing our two-man show. It's kind of Birbiglia-esque, I guess I could describe it as Neil Brennan style two-man show, stand-up storytelling. It's called The Born Identity, B-O-R-N. We're doing it here at the Lyric Hyperion

on the December 9th, the 12th, and the 16th. You got three chances to see it. You know I'll be there. It's not a huge hitter, yes. Supersclarz.com, come check all that out. Now Derek Waters, how can people find you, watch stuff, they can watch older, I mean. I liked how you said, find out how you can support him.

Yeah, yeah. That's really a nice question. Emotionally? Emotionally? Hire me. Hire him! Yeah. I've been pitching shows, getting those. Pitching? Hire me. Hire him. Yeah. I've been pitching shows getting those.

Pitching shows getting those. Welcome to the world. Yeah, I know, I know. Let's give this guy a yes. But yeah, you can support me. Pitching shows and getting those. By getting me a job. Get him a job.

I have an Instagram. I still have a fucking Facebook. That's right. I'm trying everything. I got a Facebook. Where can people watch Drunk Histories? That's that's right. I'm trying everything. I got a Facebook. Where can people watch Drunk Histories? That's a great question. I believe Paramount Plus, Hulu, and iTunes,

and yeah, we're trying so hard to get it back. I want you to get it back, because I want to do it. Get it back, we want to do it. I know we're going to do the Wright Brothers. We're going to do the Wright Brothers. I'm sorry. Let's do them. The Dolly Parton is still one of my all-time favorites. I think that is cinema

I think I'm dead serious Casey Wilson. I know Oh Rich vultures Genuine, you know, cuz he's so good at accessing that accessing that just pure Softness that Steve Carell is obviously like so great for yeah And he's really coming through in aspects of that Dolly Parton story that a lot of people don't know and what she ended up doing for him. Has she seen it?

She's had to. There's no fucking way. No fucking way has she. I've got confirmation on other ones, but never that one. What's the confirmation on when you do things that have happened where the people are still alive? Nichelle Nichols from Star Trek saw the one that we did. I don't know if you know that one, and it's okay if you don't, but she was gonna leave Star Trek, and she was just like,

this isn't for me, and she went to a Star Trek convention, and so it's like somebody wants to meet you, and this guy comes up to her, he's just like, I'm a big fan of yours, and she was like, I'm sorry, but are you Martin Luther King? And he said, yeah, I am Martin Luther King, I'm a Chucky, and she's like, I can't believe meeting you, I'm about to leave the show. And he convinced her, he said, no, you are proving the black women are not just servants.

Amazing. Unreal. Amazing. And convinced her to stay on the show. Yeah not just servants. Amazing. Unreal. Amazing. And convince her to stay on the show. Yeah. That is. And then really quick, sorry, that William Shatner and her have the first interracial kiss

on television and when they were shooting it, the producer said, let's do one where you don't kiss. And credit to William Shatner that when they did the version where they don't kiss, William Shatner looked at the camera across his eyes That's awesome. So you can't use it whenever you use it. Yeah. Also there was like a super early one with Alan McLeod I think it was that is that the night before Christmas? He did that. Yes. Yeah, he did the night before Christmas That was yeah, it was the night before Christmas. Yeah. Yeah, that was so funny Alan Richie. I got real lucky with that thing.

I was like a bus driver just. No, you didn't get it. Theater show. Great concept. Nobody was in the bus. Great concept that just kept getting better and kept getting better. So it's what I watch for my kids

when I'm like, you wanna see something great? Thanks, boys. Watch this. All right, shall we jump into another story? Let's get done. Here we go, and I was in the same mode. All right, this is sent in by Steve Schieffer. Is it S-C-H-I-E-F-E-R Schieffer or Schieffer?

I go Schieffer. Schieffer. Like Claudia Schieffer. At Schieffer Four. Here we go, you ready? Couple arrested after X-rated margarita stunt in restaurant goes viral. And I don't mean it that way.

Look, I don't know anything else. And they accidentally, here's the best part. I want this type of love. Exactly. Give me margaritas and like, steal that passion. Public sex. I love you so much I don't care where we're at. You ready for this?

And they accidentally call the cops on themselves. Oh, whoops, but dial I meant nine twelve She has not because she doesn't really trust him she has nine one. Oh always set. No, I'm at eight one one No, they got I bet they did the three three the like long press Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't even know that. Long press, I think it's a triple press. I always think about it,

someone's gonna walk in there and do a triple press, and I can't check it to see if I should. I love a triple press half cap, can I do a half cap triple press? All right, oat milk. A Georgia couple were filmed engaging in an explicit act with a margarita. Okay, can we guess what the explicit act was? What he's doing with his dick. Or he's with a margarita. Okay, can we guess what the explicit act was?

He started it with a stick. Or he's pouring frozen margarita into her vagina. He poured it inside of her vagina, I believe. Then he's with a straw and took it out. And were later arrested after the wife complained to the cops about the X-rated video spreading online, according to the report. I think the straw was as a penis and she's like, yeah.

Joe Boyette took a now viral video of himself attempting to funnel a margarita down the butt of his wife. Oh. And his wife has maybe the greatest name ever, Mary Sweats. Mary Sweats. Mary Sweats, or is it sweets? Sweats, let me try the old funnel tunnel

tunnel yeah inside rodeo Mexican restaurant in Waycross, Georgia. What can I say guys? I'm a crack addict However boy, I heard but so here's the thing boy, I couldn't get the funnel to work walking in rain This is love that so he's you got fucking after it on like a Tuesday in a Mexican restaurant So boy, I couldn't get the funnel to work So he tossed it and poured the tequila based beverage from the pitcher Straight down his wife's rear end as she was on all fours in the I I'll have what she's having. In the where?

Restaurant booth. In the booth. Yeah, cause they were same side, because they love each other. You guys not see the romance in this? She just turns her butt towards him. Yes. All fours on the booth.

I'll be the funnel. Wow. We're gonna have some funnel tonight. I'll be your funnel. Screen grabs. Is that in their valves? I'ma be your funnel baby. Put your tiny beer in mine. It's a margarita. Scream grab is that in their vows? Your tiny beer in mine, it's a margarita I always thought it was crazy and wolf of Wall Street when he does the ass coke. Yeah, this tops that

Oh, yeah, this green grab little chips and salsa and it's and fucking but love. I mean, that's chips and dip All right the green, screen grab, sips and dip, screen grabs from the explicit video show a woman on her hands and knees in a restaurant booth with her butt exposed, the man in a baseball cap, an orange shirt holding a margarita behind her. One image shows him pouring the beverage while the other shows him grinning after the complicit act.

I'm just gonna show you, it is fuzzed out. I love it. But here he is. Oh, that's stupid. First of all, I knew that had to be backwards. But he should have gotten under the butt. You want to get into the carriage, and so you're under for the full funnel. In my mind, this is when the waitress comes over,

or waiter, when they always interrupt you when you're in the middle of something, and they're like, can I get you anything else? And he now has to look up with a mouthful of butt margarita and be like, just a check. When you get a check, just take the check. You need to top this off. Sweat.

Sweat. Girl, I'm gonna make you sweat. Can we get more chips? She goes, can we get more chips? And the waitress is like, after the entree? Yeah, okay, I'll go more chips. Up until I fucking lose. Post-entree, Derek?

All right. So wait, who took it? Who took the picture? That's a great question. That's a great question. The deep state. I'm gonna get it's behind the back of the person behind me going,

take the picture now. I just gotta rush it out. Did you get it? Did you get it? Did they ask someone to take a picture of them? No, I don't think they asked. No, but. You think the next Booth Over was like. You think the next Booth Over was like-

I think the next Booth Over was like, no one's gonna ask. And also, hold on, look at me. Get it in portrait, I'm going in her ass. It was this. So me and you, they're behind you. Yeah, that's right. So I'm like, get your phone out. And you're like, why, I just wanna eat dinner.

And they're like, no, no, no, no, where are you? Hold it like this. Higher, higher. Yeah. And then I'm like, holy shit. That's love. That is love. Post it right now. Same siding it.

Oh my gosh. Same siding it. Sweats then called the cops to complain that the Raunchy video was leaked and going viral online. You are doing this in a public place. Asking for a margarita in your asshole and you've got everything coming towards your home. I'm all about consent.

But you reap what you sow. The generations above us, which they don't seem like they are. I know. Because I mainly associate it with people 15 to 20 years older than us. Who are like, this is the only place we can do. If you are a person in 2024. It's an affair only place we can do. If you are a person in 2024,

It's an affair. What I'm saying, if you're a person in 2024 who thinks you can stop anything on the internet. That once it's out, we'll just call the cops and make these people stop. Especially if it's sexual and such a hook like that, it's gone. That's gone.

You have no control over it. But to still possess that ability, like, well, we'll call the cops, and we'll tell them to take it off the internet. Oh, gosh. Cops can stop the internet, right? Cops take down on the internet. Cops can stop the internet, right?

Right. Yeah, I would like the internet cops to take things off. Take it down. You know what can stop anything online? The thin blue line. That's right. Great movie. That's right, thin blue.

But the, you're like, you're in public. You're gonna get filmed, like, whatever you want. You can't get filmed taking a shit, but like, if you're in the bathroom, but you're in public, you're gonna get filmed like whatever you want. You can't get filmed taking a shit, but like if you're in the bathroom, but you're in a booth. You're in a booth. Other people are watching. You're out in the public.

And I imagine part of the excitement was can you believe we're gonna do this here? Do this in public, live. It is crazy though. Who took the picture? We don't know, so a call. In the 90s you could do this and it would just be a rumor.

Right, that's right, it would just be a story story that the waitress is told would be a story ride That one uncle always with the pole you'll never believe this place rodeo, Texas Give me a sec when this thing comes out give me it you're gonna see guy was licking her bum Call a call that is aren't you guys a little tempted to try this though? I mean, in the privacy of our own homes. 100%. Damn it. You salt the rims of the cheese.

Here's my thing. Salt the rim. Salt around the rim job? Yes. Salt around the rim job. All right, a call that triggered the couple's arrest, TMZ said, according to the outlet, the police had been unaware of their salt rim shenanigans, there you go,

until that point, but once they were made aware of the video, they arrested the pair. Boyette turned himself in on Monday, while Sweat did so on Tuesday. Why did she take an extra day? Why did she take an extra day? Well, because her face, like, his face is in it, her face is not in it, even though we get the blurred the blurred. Yeah, it's like can I beat this?

It's gonna be like no, that's my ass. I know that ass anyway. I got that dice tattoo You know that the rest kind of tattoos. Do you think a girl like that has I mean you said dice I'm not injured playing guys. I'm just glad All right, I mean just to your audience I know you guys know but one of my favorite things to bring up is Oh! Oh! Hey! Look here! Oh! Little Miss Muffin! All right. I mean, just to your audience, I know you guys know, but one of my favorite things to bring up is your unbelievable.

The song. Yeah. People don't know that that's Dice in the song. That's Dice. Unbelievable. Oh! That's it. I always just think that's a cool,

who gives a shit.org nugger. By the way, the restaurant is investigating the incident why what kind of an investigative team does the rodeo Mexican? Radio should be like guys. We're gonna let this happen under your we're gonna. Oh you need to distance No, we're gonna put our lead investigator Yeah, hey, Jerry quit making that guacamole in a trash can. We're going to need you to. What? He's like, put your forensic gloves on.

Put your forensic gloves on. What? We got to investigate this. I can't hear you at my earbuds. He's like, is there video? There's video. All right. I'm going to need five more people on my team.

Police said, police said another explicit. He's like, I'm going gonna need to dust for Prince. Prince, sweet. Police said another explicit clip taken by the couple shows Sweats exposing her breasts and Boyette putting her left breast in his mouth while she pulls him closer. This was taken by them.

The restaurant located in the southern Georgia city of Waycross slammed the inappropriate incident and warned that any employees involved, employees involved would be facing consequences. We recently- Someone took that first video. Yeah, someone took the first video. This is it.

We recently became aware of the inappropriate incident that took place in our restaurant. A letter shared by the restaurant online said, and you know the employee took it with his own phone and was like, I'll airdrop it to you. Yeah. You know? It's not going through like, I'll airdrop it to you. Yeah. It's not going through. Then just send a link to the iCloud. It's too big of a file. Too big of a file. Speaking of a big file.

We wanted to make it clear that such behavior is completely unacceptable and does not reflect our values or our mission to provide a family friendly dining experience. That's what you're providing at the rodeo? A family-friendly dining experience? Once a girl or a boy, let's not sex judge, gets on all fours and nobody sees it, and then you also have about 10 to 15 seconds of lifting her skirt up, and no one's saying anything.

Yeah. I mean, if that happens next to you, what are you saying? You call the manager over. As a restaurant, we are going to question your commitment to family dining. Yes. My family will not be there. You're gonna question your mission.

As a comedian, I would say thank God. Thank God. This is happening in front of me. I mean, go to Burning Man, for Christ's sake sake so did they get in what do they get penalized? So they get arrested for indecent exposure out in public that and were there any kids because she might have to be a sex offender There you go. You never know. She might be driving a bus next week. We don't know Mr. And Mrs. Schmidt. About Schmidt. I was born of sweats, I'll die of Schmidt.

There you go. Story number two down in the books. Daniel, give us a taste of what we're gonna hear in story number three. A lot of robberies in one night. Okay, I love it. A lot of robberies in one night. Derek Waters stole our heart.

He's gonna give it back. This is Dumb People Town. I'm clicking. Stick around, make a sound.. This is Dumb People Town. I'm Cliff and I'm Daniel. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Hey gang, welcome back. One more segment to go. Daniel's gonna take us home,

but Dan, tell us first how people can catch you. Go to DanielVancourt.com. You can watch Rose Gold, my special's out now on YouTube. And you can watch my movie Wine Club on Tubi. Great movie and Dan is great in it. Thanks buddy, I really appreciate it. He really is. Thanks.

And then I will be in Lafayette the night before I do a weekend in New Orleans at that new club sports drink. I'm a bit excited about that. You heard it so good Dan. I can't wait. I heard that club is really fun. That is 26th, 27th, and 28th of September and then the second Saturday

in November, I will be in Cedar Rapids, and then the 16th, possibly the 15th as well, but I will be at the Flyover Comedy Festival, definitely headlining on the 16th. Everything is up at danielvancurk.com, and if you're in LA or you just want an excuse, the first Wednesday of every single month, I do my show Overshare at Bespoke LA,

and I hope people come out to it. So I love it. Fair facts. Yeah, date of anchor. Stand-up show. Okay, ready? Yes, sir. Would be, you already know you failed.

Would be thief prowling after curfew, arrested after attempted robberies in one night. Signed by Jake Groany, at Jake Groany. I'm gonna do my best here. This is Quebec. Les Ceres, at least I said it like Spanish, I don't know what it is. Yeah, it's French.

A night, I know that. Thank you. Les Ceres, Les Ceres. A night owl was arrested in the early morning hours of Sunday for a series of attempted thefts committed during the night in Les Cedres. How do you say this? Monterre.

Monterre. Monterre. Monterre. Question, is that the night owl that killed the woman in the staircase? Can you say that? I think so. You think so?

West? He's not allowed to talk about the case. He's not allowed to talk about the case. He's not allowed to talk about the case. Hold on one second. No, I seriously, I don't want to get derailed, but I seriously want to know your take on the staircase. Is he guilty or not?

She found an email that made it clear he was bisexual. Right, that he was having a relationship with a man at the gym. And she said, we're going to get a divorce. I don't think he meant to kill her, but he definitely killed her. Threw her down the staircase. Yeah, but the proof is so crazy that there isn't any. But that's my theory. Right, that it's insane.

The amount of blood on the staircase. That she kept slipping and falling. How about that another woman in Germany fell down another staircase? Like I've never seen people use staircases this much ever. Like for as weapons. Well, what's crazy is that that wasn't his, like he wasn't, yeah, that is a, it's all crazy.

That's my, I mean, it's one of the best, you can't say best because people died. It's one of the most fascinating. can't say best because people died. It's it's one of the most fascinating Compelling I think he's guilty. He's really quick just cuz we're on the case of owls I had a couple people ever for some Maryland crabs. Sometimes I ship out Maryland crabs. I love it Well, have you ever seen this was like seven o'clock at night two owls in Silver Lake I just remembered where we met not met but like last time we saw each other. Staircase Conventions? Angels. Orioles game. I was with Ryan Sickler.

Yes. Okay. Orioles. Orioles Magic. Orioles Magic. Could be their year. This could be their year. The answer was in front of me the whole time. Holiday Sun.

No, two owls showed up at seven. The sun is not down yet. Where are you? Is this in Silver Lake? This is in Burbank. Oh, Burbank. There are two owls in Silver Lake. There's an owl in my neighborhood too. There's two? Yeah, they're just, cause one, they'll talk to each other. Oh, in Burbank. There are two owls in Silver Lake. There's an owl in my neighborhood, too. There's two? Yeah, because one, they'll talk to each other. Oh, but have you ever seen them during the day?

Yes. Very rare. I saw one behind Trader Joe's, and I just saw it, like, huge wingspan, swoop down and pick up in the field behind it on the hill, pick up a rat and fly away. Really? It was amazing.

If I saw two owls in the day, I'd be like, well well that's an omen. Well I looked it up. And? It says like they're a protector, so it means like someone's protecting you, but I was also like, they've never smelt Maryland crabs. They have to be like, what the fuck is going on?

Yeah, they thought there's food for me here. That's a very logical, very good call. There's food for me here. And this is why you're a great member of the jury. That's right, that's right. You look at the whole story. Look at the whole scope. Or do you have a different theory on the staircase?

No, I think he was upset with her for some reason and my guess is she, again, the argument about his sexuality or their relationship or whatever, the lack thereof, and my guess is that she was going up the stairs and he pulled her back down. She fell down on herself and he like finished the job with a blunt force thing. He was so mad because he seems like a rageful guy. He is. And he also contradicts himself.

In the first one, he says, Kathleen? Yeah, she knows I was gay. Could I have sex with another he says Kathleen yeah she knows could I have sex with another person of course but could I cheat on could I have a relationship absolutely not but then in the life recap when he comes back yeah he's like the director says like did she know your bisexual Did she know you're bisexual? No, no, there's no way she would've killed me. Like I'm like, Brad? And they're like, you know, we found the guy you slept with.

Brad? He's a little upset. Well, I'm sure he is. How's he doing? He smells like cigars and sweat and wine. Every time I see him, I get grossed out and so intrigued. He's such a star. Also, someone should have done a better job with his makeup.

That's it, just don't. What makeup? Nobody put shit on me. I don't have blotches. What is this? But you do have to admit that you don't look great on camera. Absolutely. Yes.

Of course. I don't want to look great. I don't want to look great. I don't want to look great. I don't want to look great. I don't want to look great. I don't want to look great. I don't want to look great. I don't want to look great. I don't I drank cigars, I sucked dick, I spit it in my mouth, I swirled it around. You said something after smoking this again. I like to use my Bic Razor.

And I watch, I owl watch. I owl watch? Turn on the fountain. No, no, that's the best. The fountain was very loud. No, no, no, the fountain gets loud. I remember, we were watching America's Sweetheartselt a bottle of wine, nothing out of the ordinary, and I said goodnight to her, and that was the last,

nope, nope, that was the last time I saw her. Upright. Right, what is he, he calls himself out, he's like, that was the last time I saw her live, and then he's like, nope, she was breathing when I found her. Yeah, it's just, all of it. I'm like, I cannot her. Yeah. Yeah. It's just all of it. I'm like, I cannot believe this. I can't.

It is just. Well, nobody believed it. And those poor kids. Those poor kids. Can you believe they think Dodd threw mom down the stairs? Yeah, I can. Yeah, we do. Yes.

Are you worried about this? Yeah, downtown. I love it. OK, so this all happened in the word, Les Cedre. Yeah. Some area in Quebec. West of the island of Montreal.

The suspect has no prior criminal record. He could face charges of attempted theft of or from vehicles as well as trespassing at night. He was also issued a ticket for violating the curfew in effect in Quebec. There's a curfew. I guess. I didn't realize that. This is from 2022, were they still doing curfews? Maybe the curfew in effect in Quebec. There's a curfew. I guess. I didn't realize that.

This is from 2022, were they still doing curfews? Maybe COVID curfew. Right, or yeah, maybe there was weather, is there bad weather there? Could be a weather curfew. You know the old Quebec weather curfew? According to information. Sure, it snows there.

It's a thing. I mean, it's why the Nordiques always play day games. Could never play the late game, yeah. Yeah, that's why. Nordics always play day games. Could never play the late game, yeah. Yeah, that's why. According to information provided, a citizen heard noise and surprised the perpetrator who was trying to break into his vehicle at approximately 2.45 a.m.

What are you doing there, bud? Here's where it gets dumb, people tell me. The witness called the police while following the suspect's escape on foot from a safe distance. So you're just both walking yes and you're on the phone loud enough with the cops with the cops so the following this person casually walking at 245 in the morning low-speed chase wait hold on why is that dumb I to me it's insane that the guy doesn't run far enough away to like get away.

Yeah! And also, if somebody's breaking in anything, don't pursue them. You are not on the police force. Just be happy that you take your loss. Did he take anything? Well, they said he broke into multiple cars. On the scene, police took advantage of a new layer of snow. This is so Canadian.

Oh my gosh, so Canadian. Follow the suspect's tracks. The prints. And pick him up in the Monte Monard. I don't know. Area. You know Pierre is a track expert. Yeah, just big fucking shoe prints.

He is an expert in tracks. He was if you're a trap bearer. You did not see the shining? You gotta go backwards at some point. Or do a couple walking that way a couple that way yeah or get the shoes that are like shaped like bears yeah or grab a brush and drag it behind you yeah grab a rake like you're coming out of a sand trap or come fly with me after checking the area the

police found that the individual had visited multiple locations in the area, and they list a whole bunch of French words I can't say, a spokesman, a sergeant, Audrey Ann Bilodeau, applauded citizens because it seems that all doors to the vehicles approached by the suspect were locked. We'll get out of here on this. How many different cars or homes, What is the total number of locations that this person tried to break into and or rob? My question is how do you know he tried to break in

if your car was locked? Is it just the alarm going off? Fingerprint camera? Fingerprints. Fingerprints. We'll get out of this. In one night, this person has no prior record at all. 245.

And one night went following the date. 245? 245? You said 245 45 a.m. yes time so yes probably started at 1 I'm gonna give you an hour yeah 45 how many 45 that's a lot of cars parked cars right next to each other I'm gonna say 34 34 Walter Payton 62 62 14 one of you is one year, or one number off. Oh my god, 61.

Okay. 15. 15? 35. 35? Before we give the answer. Yes? Go see Dan.

Come on out. Dan of Vankirk, come see us. In Ann Arbor, September 27th. And the boy in the big bureau. All of his, go support Derek Waters. Please support him financially. Gofundme.org. Give this man a job. Gofundme.org. Go support Derrick Waters emotionally, financially,

or physically. GoFundMe.org. GoFundMe.org. We need him on television. Yes. Again, immediately. Thank you, thank you, thank you. More shows. He tried to break in.

The total number of places is 15. Oh! Jay, that's a lot. Still a lot. You're the dumb man now. You're the dumb man now. You're the dumb man now, dog. Wait, so 15, but how do they know? They don't, there's no way to really know.

Gotta be ring cameras. How many break into 15? Or maybe you kept trying while that person was following. I almost was a theft, mama. I won't tell that story again. 15 that I knew of. All right, there you go, that's a show. Thank you guys for having me. I love you, dude. Love you guys. And all I can say is, oh, oh, Schmidt, we got to get back to work.