Dumb People Town - Derek Waters - Stabbing the Pastor in the Back

Episode Date: June 18, 2019

This week Derek Waters joins the show! In Story 1, a part-time pastor Easter stunt goes horribly wrongStory 2 woman gets arrested for shooting a t-shirt gunStory 3 explains an automatic sperm extractor!

Skypains out of here. Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Longer down, it's Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population you Population Waters. Derek Waters. Sorry, I spoke too soon. Derek. I got to say that. I got to say that.

We want you excited. Yeah. Derek Waters. Welcome to town, buddy. Welcome to the town. Thank you. This is a cool town. Right?

Dumb People Town. There's always something going on. I'm always accused of being from here. From Dumb People Town? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll fit right in then. You'll either fit right in or you will hear these stories and be like, I'm not as dumb as I thought I was. Right.

I feel smart. Either way, you'll feel better. Yeah, you are a smart guy. That's the goal of anything, right? I think you're sneaky smart. You portray yourself as not being as smart as you are. You're one of the smartest people we know. That's very nice.

Of course, people recognize you and should know you as the creator of Drunk History, one of the funniest shows, like one of the most interesting formats for a show to come along. And you guys have a new season. We'll talk about all that later. Sounds good. Thank you. But there's dumbness to get to right quick.

I love it. It's happening all around us and the world's getting, I actually think it's getting dumber. Or are there so many dumb things that we're learning from our mistakes? No. Dumb will always be dumb. Dumb's always going to be there. Dumb's going to be there. But smart gets smarter.

Smart does get smarter. But the gap is widening, and I feel like there's just more people in the dumb range. Okay. All right, whatever. We'll find out. We'll find out. We got great stories. Tomatoes, tomatoes.

Right, exactly. So we have great. You say tomato, I say heirloom tomato. That's right. Great place, by the way. Dan gets great stories sent to us by our awesome fans. And how do you do that again, Dan? You can send them to me via Twitter.

That is the best place to do it. At DanielVanKirk and do the hashtag Dumb People Town, and you're right there. And then we can see where you are in the timeline. So who sent this first one Okay here we go Sent in by The man Joe Littrell

At the gentleman Joe This dude sends in a bunch And he's awesome Sends in so much He's like out Like he almost has like Like the police scanner The internet version

Of a police scanner Like a phone Wow Right so he's listening to it He knows the blotter And he knows a lot of the good rules I can tell people that really quick. Don't hurt animals. Don't hurt kids.

Don't have dudes creeping people out. No one can die. Like victimization of women. All that. No one can die. Just keep it fun. There's a lot of dumb out there that we can kind of avoid all that. Fun dumb. Just keep it fun dumb. And I promise it'll work out. Maybe not for the people in the story. No. But for us. But it'll probably work out for the story.

For us it will. Yes, for sure. Okay. This is a doozy. An Ohio church is apologizing for an inappropriate Easter lesson in which a pastor urged students to shove eggs into their vaginas. To spit on him, slap him, and cut him with a steak knife. Well, hang on a second. Who is he trying to be? He is trying to resurrect his image.

But where is he getting stabbed? That's a great point. How deep? How deep and what kind of... So deep it put his butt to sleep, I think. And do we have to drink his blood? How far? I mean, we know what would Jesus do.

It wasn't Jesus' choice. No, he didn't want to get cut. Yeah. No. He didn't say, cut me, Mick. Right. That was rocky. Someone should be doing this against his will.

That to be more on brand. Yes. And he shouldn't have to be able to say it. So hang on a second. He has to not make us not say anything. Hang on a minute. If I'm getting this correctly, Derek Waters is saying his crime was liking it too much.

Or bringing it on himself. The pastor? Yes. I just want to read. I think he needs to workshop this idea. It seems very... Yeah, this is something you should have bounced off somebody. Sorry, did you specifically say kids or was it just members of the church? He urged students

to spit on him, slap him, and cut him with a steak knife. Also, if you're going to go down this road, have the right knife. You don't want a serrated knife. That doesn't even cut well. Serrated knife does cut well. Yeah, but it's for sawing. You're not going to get a good

laceration out of that. Jesus, Danny. How many people have you cut up? How far did it get? Can we turn this off really quick? Do we know how far it got or this is the story

that... We're going to find out. Oh, sorry, sorry. No, no. I'm very excited. Don't stop asking questions. Always ask questions. You will find out.

You will. I promise you. Impact City Church. Well, I mean, this is on brand. He is making an impact. Guys, we're going to Impact City right now. I'm going to take you down to Impact City Church Well, I mean, this is on brand He is making an impact Guys, we're going to Impact City right now I'm going to take you down to Impact City

Impact City Church Where the cuts are deep and the grass is pretty Lead pastor, Justin Ross Oh no, where the cuts are deep and the students are spitty Take me Home, yeah, yeah To heaven Lead pastor pastor Justin Ross

and part-time associate pastor. That's when you know you're starting to like... Part-time. He's a part-time associate pastor, but he's a full-time player. Right. Part-time. I like SM and Jesus Christ. Come on down to Impact City

Church. Come on down. We got great deals on sundays the cuts keep coming impact i also all i wanted there to be a to the instead of part-time associate pastor part-time to the associate pastor it would make me so happy oh ready for this name jadeus dempsey no jadeus jadeus dempsey. Judeus. Went on Facebook this week to publicly apologize to students who were part of the unusual after-school activity on Monday. Judeus Christian beliefs. Look, I have a son. I take him to religious school.

He goes, you got to start stepping the game up if you want to compete with Fortnite. You know, like, hey. But we're cutting motherfuckers down here at Impact Church. You want to come spit on a guy? Come to religious school. It's fun. Right. Get into the act. I, like, hey. But we're cutting motherfuckers down here at Impact Church. You want to come spit on a guy? Come to religious school. It's fun. Right. Get into the act.

I like it, Mom. I like it. There's so many times reading this story where I squirm. Dempsey, that's J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J school students who are part of the church's weekly after-school students hangouts nope no the program includes food and activities we're just hanging out guys just eat the food then spit it on why is there only steak here that's that's why dempsey that's when dempsey

decided to share his message with students about easter in a way in which he later declared quote cross the line yeah you think no shit uh jadeus got up in front of the students and he said i'm going to this is a quote i'm going to ask you to do something that might seem a little crazy did he say cut me i'm jadeus but if there's but if there's anyone here that would like to spit in my face, you can do so without any repercussions. Dan, all right. So there are a lot of fetishes out there, right? There are a lot of things. This guy's into church?

You look at someone who's like, if I put my elbow in some chocolate pudding, that gets me off. Well, we don't understand it. Oh, that'd be so good. That's not for us to understand. It'd be nicer if that's all you needed. But by the way, that gets me off. Well, we don't understand it. Oh, that'd be so good. That's not for us to understand, but that gets you off. It'd be nicer if that's all you needed. But by the way, that's easy. That's simple. And look, Bill Cosby probably did it a few times.

But pudding didn't know it was going to happen. Right. You don't know what the next step is. But so, okay, so maybe this is what gets this guy off. And he's like, I'm clear. But you need another person to spit in your face. Right. That's why he has a sometimes assistant.

You need another person to spit in your face. Right. That's why he has a sometimes assistant. Hey, you know how Minister Robert Blaski got arrested for touching those kids? Yeah. I let the kids touch me. Oh. I think that's what the switch is.

Is that? Well, I want to touch them, but why don't I let them? I want to spit on all the kids. I want them. And if they cut me, they're going to let me touch them. That's right. Come on, man. You cut me, man. You owe me.

At least hold my hand. If there's anyone here that would like to spit in my face, you can do so without any repercussions. You're asking a room of high school kids. Anybody want to just be a jerk? How many kids in that moment, you know a few of them were like. From where they were sitting. I got you from here. Let's delete the delete the spit i mean let's delete the cut who what is their teacher that you would have wanted to spit in their face spitting because i don't i i think spitting is

disgusting well i think it is one of the worst things you can do to somebody that's like remember in baseball when robbie alomar spit at the umpire? Apparently, like, that, like, you're like, why was he suspended so much? Because you can't spit in people's faces. It just happened in the NBA this past season. Somebody spit on somebody. That is so mean. Just spitting. When we would play baseball in my backyard, my dad would

kick any friend out that would spit on the ground. Really? But did you guys, the meanest thing my brother did was spit in my mouth. Oh my god that like hold me down and spit but you knew how jesus felt in that moment yeah your brother's a pastor that was the story of easter you rose up after that you spit in an easter egg down my throat oh god what all right sorry i was just curious i don't think i could ever spit i don't think i could ever spit on someone i mean it's one thing to spit on their foot. To spit in their face takes it up a notch.

I've had a teacher. By the way, that's so intimate. You're like sharing saliva is a. That's why I said it's sexual for this guy. It is sexual. He can't pay a hooker to do it, but he can get the kids hanging out at religious school to do it. I think he's just a fucking idiot. No.

Some students took him up on the offer. Then he told him. Some. I want to know how many some. Then he told him. Some. I want to know how many some. Then he told him they could slap him. Now, if I could. There's a teacher I'd slap. There's a teacher I definitely would slap.

There's a couple teachers I would slap. Then he told them they could slap him. This is just the next sentence. Several did. Yeah. It's like that scene. So several is more than some, right? Like that scene in Airplane.

I got to get out of here. I got out of here. People are just, they got like a pipe and a gun. Several to me is like seven. Yeah. Some is five. Some is five. Few is three.

That was my favorite thing about that Airplane scene. It's like, get a hold of yourself. I got to get out of here. Slapping her, the nun slapping her. And then there's a guy with a baseball bat. Then a woman with a gun. And then after the gun is a guy with a pipe. Like that's not not gonna finish it off

several did snap him finally dempsey pulled out a steak knife and set the same conditions one student took the knife and sliced his back what students pulled out their phones and began posting on social media we gotta see this videos of that day show the students lining up before the pastor and taking turns spitting on his face while others laugh is this a deleted scene from game of thrones dangerous minds one one student is heard saying i'm doing it while others responded do it can't can i do it again another asks now you've you've put these kids on a path we're like like, I don't know. I just cut them every once in a while.

Could this be Nike's new campaign? Just do it again. I'm doing it. Just do it. Just spit on it. Another video shows students attempting to cut the pastor's back before the pastor, Jadayus, seems to say, quote, make me bleed. No!

I know. It's so fucking weird and dumb. Make me bleed now is know it's so look everybody has their thing weird and make me bleed now is definitely he's gone there it's a second about the amount of things that have to happen in order for this guy to get off this is like he's got to have somebody with a steak knife and i guess it's got to be someone of that age i don't know if even if it is that, I'm not sure he knows it is that. In these situations, usually someone has done something so wrong that they're trying to punish themselves. I think he loves Jesus so much. He wants to be Jesus.

I think he's had bad thoughts and wants to be punished. I. Jene Parker, 12 years old, who took part in the activity. What's the person's name? I. Jene. I. Jene Parker. Yeah. Took part in the activity. Said, quote, I thought it was very weird and awkward.

She told CNN affiliate. I mean, I still cut his ass. I took part because I thought it was okay because it was coming from an adult. Exactly. By the way, her name sounds like her swearing in in court. Ajene Parker. Yeah, it is. You should solemnly swear to tell the whole truth.

The affiliate also reported the Licking County Sheriff's Office. I mean, this is where we're at. The Licking County Sheriff's Office. L-I-C-K. I-N-G. So, Jedeas is the part-time associate pastor, then the lead pastor, something Ross. The illustration went too far, Ross said in a video that the church later uploaded, but he said

it was used to explain the very important topic about crucifixion. Oh, no. That's like, guys, I'm getting crucified for this thing. Even if you believe in Jesus, how he was killed is not the part

that you need to take away. No. That was just a run-of-the-mill, here's how we kill people. Why he was killed is not the part that you need to take away. No. That was just a run of the mill, here's how we kill people. That's right. Why he was killed and him coming back. Yeah, that's the way. You do not need to know the thorns, you know. Yeah. It's like, I tell the people, I'm like, hey, I'm not shitting on anybody's religion, but

you do know when you're wearing a cross, you're essentially wearing a noose or an electric chair. Wasn't there a comedian who said that? Yeah, he said that's the last thing this guy, when he comes back, wants to see is his worst moment in life. Well, wasn't Jake Johansson's old bit? I love that old bit. He's such a great comic. His bit was like, what if Jesus died falling in the shower?

And then everyone at church would be like, whoa. Like over and over again. Instead of this. It would be a huge tub at the top of the church. Do you remember an American movie when Mike Shanks was like, that cross doesn't look natural? And Mark's like, dude, do you think when Jesus was standing there, he thought it was natural? And then he drank some vodka. I drank a couple glasses of vodka.

A very important topic about the crucifixion. The reactions are appropriate, Pastor Ross said. Many of you were disgusted. Many of you were hurt by this. Many of you were confused. Even though the activity was inappropriate, he said, the intent was honorable. No, it wasn't. Nothing was honorable.

After letting them spit, slap, and cut him, Judeus sat students down and talked to them about Jesus. While he's got spit running down his face. Blood just on the back of his shirt. Sir, it's really hard to focus right now. No, I'm okay. Massive head wound, Harry. The dog licking it.

Talking about how he died an innocent man. Ross said the church does not condone that students or anyone should spit or slap others or use a weapon to harm anyone or to harm themselves. Just this guy. You literally do condone it. I want you to do it. You're saying it's okay to do it. We're not supposed to do it.

I condone you doing this. In the same Facebook video by the church, Jadayus said it was completely his idea. You know, they were like, here's what you're going to fucking say. You will take the fall just like Jesus. Or we don't have an after school program. There will be no Simon of Cyrene to pick you up when you go down. Here's another lesson we're going to

convey. You're going to die for our sins. You are going down, sir. If those kids didn't have phones, there's no way he would have said he thought of it. Period. So you're saying he could have done this in 92 and got away scot have said well one of the kids was curious yeah if uh he could do what happened to jesus to me and that's right sure i said sure i did not know 92 several would spit thank god i had my steak knife with me 92 one kid complains and then that

pastor gets all the other kids together and goes we're taking this kid out we're all gonna contradict this kid's story right in this um in the same facebook video judea said it was his idea no one else knew about his plans it it was over the top and bad judgment we're gonna watch a quick little clip of this guys this will be up on the facebook page no if you're not following the facebook page what are you you doing? I know. I know. Okay. Ready? With your life. Oh, my God. This is how you see this. It's creepier than you think it's going to be.

Pivot it a little more, Dan. Let me see. Everybody got good on it? Yeah. Yeah. It's already creepy, Dan. Okay. Oh, no.

This is it. He's shirtless. He's shirtless in front of these guys. He's shirtless, and they're trying to cut him from the back with just literally an outback steak knife. Oh my God. That is all that is happening in the video. It's so weird it's a white guy.

Davious. And he keeps, the problem is since it's also a steak knife, it doesn't lacerate that well. It's more of a cutting technique. Did this girl who's being interviewed, did she participate or was she? That's Ajay.

That's Ajay. Oh, sorry. She was like, this was weird and awkward and I didn't like it. I Ajene. That's Ajene. Oh, sorry. She was like, this was weird and awkward and I didn't know. I mean, and what's so weird, Dan, is the fact that these kids put this video out.

It's almost like they stabbed him in the back again. That was perfect. You could have told him. That was perfect. Is that how we end it? Do we need it? I'm so sorry for misrepresenting

the community, the church, the parents, the students, and anyone that I hurt, Dempsey said. It was not my intention. My intention was just to show them about Jesus. No, it wasn't. Dempsey said. That was not your intention. My boner was strictly coincidental.

I have a boner for Jesus. Judea said he has been a student leader for almost four years and that monday's activity was an anomaly and is not normally what happens okay yes it is like he's making it seem like it just happened and he couldn't control it he's making it seem like you didn't bring a steak knife to this meeting you created this whether this happens once or a thousand times i bought some rigging you guys are gonna hoist me up on this david has a spear. David, you're going to take that. You need to get between the ribs. Otherwise it won't be the same as Jesus. And then if you can't, I've appropriated all the church's funds to build a tomb.

Ajene, twist it, twist it inside of me. My safe word is incarnate word. I've saved up my vacation hours. I got three days off. So you have to let me out after the third day. The church said its board of directors will conduct a formal review and investigation. What's there to investigate? There's nothing. There's nothing. You have eyewitness accounts, videos, and the person saying they did it. You're out, dude.

You're done. You're done. This guy is done until they relocate him to another church and he does it again. They're like, we will definitely launch an investigation. Do not launch anything. It's already launched. It's already launched. It's already launched. What?

He's part-time for a minister, right? Yeah. There aren't any quotes from that minister? Oh, no. Ross? Yeah, he said a few things where he was like. This is bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He said it does not condone students or anyone would slap others or use a weapon to harm anyone. Although, it's his assistant. Right. So, he kind of did condone it. And he was there, I think. He might not have been there. Full disclosure. Story number one. This was not on his

resume. Church in Dumb People Town can be rough. Wow. That is dumb. That isn't dumb, though. That's stupid. That's stupid, and it's physical. Yes. Stupid city. Someone got hurt. He asked for it, and he probably loved it

And his crime was loving it too much Derek Waters is with us, we're going to take a break And when we come back we're going to talk about the new Is it like a half season? Yeah We'll talk about it on the other side of the break Alright, we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town With Derek Waters

Stick around, make a sound with more Dumb People Town with Derek Waters. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Derek Waters with us. Drunk History is back for some episodes. Six episodes, am I right? It's going to be eight. Eight.

All right. Do you want to tell us some of them, or is there stuff that you can tell us about? Can you tease a little bit? I can give a little tease. I can give a little tease. I can give a little tease. Yeah. So this is technically called 6B. They do that.

So Comedy Central makes it look like we did two seasons, but doesn't ask for more money. Oh, yeah. That's weird. Come on. Fantastic. It's fun. But so the last season of the beginning of 6A, to all you nerds out there, I did like a Are You Afraid of the Dark parody. I did Are You Afraid of the Drunk with Rich Fulcher name drop.

He'll be around here someday. Love him. One of the best, if not the. Yes. So I wanted to start off this season, 6B, with some fun. And I loved Ripley's growing up. Sure. So I did. it's called derrick

waters believe it or not and so we did a lot of fun stories just for the first one like do you remember lawn chair larry yeah he was a guy you do that he flew all the weather balloons yes like six miles yeah so yep colin hanks plays him and uh yeah i yeah he's one i love the show man i was telling you before we started the dolly parton episode with rich walter and casey wilson thank you it's not it's not even just funny it's inspiring like it's it's beautiful it's so it's my one of my favorite of all the ones stuff you learn stuff and then in it yeah it's so funny on so many levels like there are very few shows that actually break through

and do something that you've never seen before and then sustain it and then evolve and go to new places. That's what I feel like it's done throughout this series. Yeah, I remember back in 2011 at UCB watching Alan McLeod in The Night Before Christmas with Jim Carrey and Ryan Gosling. Dude, yeah and i was like this is the greatest fucking thing ever and like it just never it just keeps going up you know what i mean it's always good it's one of those things where you it's like always good you can jump in that's very nice but you guys

know like after you do something after a while you're just like oh man i need to prove that i can do more than this but every year i'm just like i i find more stories i'm just like oh man i need to prove that i can do more than this but every year i'm just like i i find more stories i'm just like this is going to be fun to do why stop you should never stop doing this because like we said it's not a format that exists out there like i'm sure so many people have tried to copy it too doesn't that amazing people are like well we'll do our own drunk history i'm like well you can't do it because yeah you have it And it's like, unless you want to do a bad version of it, like, don't do it. There's a couple. There's one in the UK.

And what I'll tell your listeners and you guys, they don't realize there's one obvious secret. It's don't try to make a comedy show. There you go. Make a history show. That's right. Like, the premise is the comedy, but then try to take it seriously. The comedy is a drunk person giving their take on it and then real actors trying to do those to be true to the day true to the take it's so

ask you an off-the-wall question have you ever tried to do it live like where you have three people off to like i'm one side it doesn't work because you can't see their lips right yeah and the lip flap or the the actual also Also how beautifully that stuff is shot. Like the period stuff is shot. Your DP, man. Yeah, he's the best. Oh my God. It's amazing.

Who is your DP? Can you shout out? His name's Logan. He's the best. Phenomenal. I mean like brilliant in each thing itself is like just a wonderful period piece as it were. I will say this.

I hope you don't stop making them i know that you want to do other stuff too but i speaking as two people who got a chance to make four seasons of a show 77 episodes of cheap seats i'm so happy we got to make all that and do that we were in the grind in the heart of it as we were making it but now there's a little distance and i'm glad we made a ton of them and also came to a new place later in in it you know you're like oh this is the groove this is what it is yeah and i think if as long as you keep finding that then it's like well why stop if he keeps you as long as he keeps evolving like we're doing sam cook which is one of my all-time favorite scenes and it's a hard story just because there's different versions of how he died but i I was just like, the main point of his life

is what he left behind. That's right. Amen. Because a change is going to come. We did the story of that. And just that he was so hardcore into civil rights. And you never really knew that until the documentary. Yeah, well, this is just a brief, brief time. So LeBron James Company,

Spring Hill Entertainment, just did Muhammad Ali, What's My Name on HBO. Oh, I haven't seen that. Oh, my God. There is a brief. First of all, because Muhammad Ali is the narrator.

It's all done by his quotes. Right. And there is a brief interview that is seen with Sam Cooke and Muhammad Ali are hanging out. They sing a little bit together with each other. But you understand how special Sam Cooke was based on how much Muhammad Ali

was the deference he showed to him. It was unbelievable. So if you want to understand who Sam Cooke was to the black community, watch this interview because Muhammad Ali is bowing down to him in the biggest way. I love that.

It was amazing. It was unbelievable. Alright, so check it out and when can people see it? You can see it online but it'll be out what days? June 18th. Tuesdays. Tuesdays at? 10. Okay. Whatever it is. Just watch it.

Watch it live. If you miss it live, then watch it on ComedyCentral.com. Just catch up. Drunk History. Thanks, you guys. And the best part about it is that I think, and the reason why

you are perfect for this show is that you celebrate the stupidity of the way things get done. The misinformation. The misinformation and the stupidity is celebrated

in the most beautiful way and that is kind of what we're doing right here which is celebrating the world of the dumb and trying to shine a light on it. So Dan, do we have another story?

We do. Ready? Okay. This is a fun one. This is a great show, by the way. Thanks, brother. This is so fun. Thanks, buddy.

Sent in by Michael Priest at Priestography. Nothing to do with the first story. Priestography. Yeah, you're right. Priestography. I had fun stabbing my hamster. This is in Oklahoma. I'm going to try this.

O-O-L-O-G-A-H. Oolaga? Oolaga? Oolaga? Oolaga. Oolaga. Oolaga sounds right. An Oolaga woman was released from prison in...

An Oolaga woman just released from prison in January is back behind bars. This time, she's accused of shooting contraband over a prison fence with a t-shirt gun. Was there any other reason why a t-shirt gun was invented? I mean, yes, at sporting events, fine. I'm just saying, people's reaction to a t-shirt gun at a sporting event is, it's disproportionate to the fact that you're going to get a shitty t-shirt. Or a ball that you

won't want. Or like a little rubber ball. Like, it came to my hands and it bounced out of my hands. I couldn't catch it. Where did she get her hands on? Can you just buy a t-shirt cannon? I don't think you can buy the thing I want to go down. I think she's going to be a mascot. I think it's going to be revealed. Wait, did you catch it? I didn't catch it. Can you just buy a t-shirt candidate? I don't think you can buy the thing I want to go down. I think she's going to be a mascot. I think it's going to be revealed. Wait, did you catch it? I didn't catch

it. And then I was mad at myself for a second and then the person behind me got it. I'm like, I'm glad I don't have that. Thank God I don't have to. Because once you own it, you own it. Now I got to throw it away. Here's something I'm going to have to throw away in three months when I don't, I'm tired of looking at it. When I was in high school,

in a kid, even before high school, the cheerleaders would throw little mini Rochelle Township high school footballs in the stands. You wanted one so badly. Oh my god. It's like, I have this. And then you're right, you gotta carry it around the rest of the time. All night, throw it away. So, how, where does, you cannot go to t-shirt cannons, t-shirt cannons,

t-shirt cannons and things. This is the shit people think about in prison. She was in prison and you know that's where this idea, I'm gonna get out of here. And she made friends with everybody. People being like, okay,is, T-shirts, Gannis, and things. This is the shit people think about in prison. She was in prison, and you know that's where this idea, I'm going to get out of here. And she made friends with everybody. People being like, okay, well, what would we need? Okay, who's out first? I'm your gal on the outside. Well, how are you going to get it to us?

I'll figure it out. And you know they were watching the WNBA or something, and they were like, genius. She should not have played loudly off of her car speaker as she was doing it. Y'all ready for this? In fuego. Has anyone in this room shot a t-shirt gun ever? No. I would at a heartbeat, but not a contraband.

No, I'm up there. If somebody said, hey, at the Bulls game, Dan, you get to shoot the t-shirt gun every time we do the break. You'd be like, I'm going to quit my job. At this point, Dan, they would say, at the Bulls game, do you want get to shoot the T-shirt gun every time we do the break. You'd be like, I'm going to quit my job. I think at this point, Dan, they would say at the Bulls game, do you want to play? Yeah, Dan. No. I know. They need a two guard.

Yeah. I'll take it. I can run a screen. That's right. But I would love to shoot a T-shirt. That should make that the first pitch of, do they have anything in the NBA that's like, you take the first free throw to start off the game? Do you do anything like that?

They don't toss the ball. No, you can drop the puck in the NHL. Right. Throw out a first pitch in there. T-shirt gun. Football. Yeah, that's a good one. T-shirt gun is a really good one.

Tonight's T-shirt gun shooter. You know them from cheap seats. Tonight's T-shirt gun shooter. The guy from American Sniper. No. He's taking out people left and right. Just so, a contraband is... Stuff that's

not allowed in prison. So what does she throw? Cigarettes? Mac and cheese? The Oklahoma Department of Corrections, the ODC, says security North Fork Correctional Center T-shirts that say innocent

that's perfect it's it uh they said we can't have this they saw someone launch a package over the fence sunday morning near a housing unit they say they locked down the unit and followed the suspect on OHP. Oh, and OHP pulled her over not far from the prison. There, they arrested Carrie Jo Hickman. Yeah. Carrie Jo Hickman is the name you make up. And then people who are reading it in your script go, you can't do that. There are people in Oulaga who like, where were you during the Carrie Jo Hickman trial Carrie Jo Hickman definitely tried to kill Gerald Ford

with a t-shirt gun but she goes by K-Joe K-Joe you listen to the K-Joe of the morning K-Joe and the Hickman coming at you we're giving out t-shirts at the prison she fired out that t-shirt brother she's a hired Hickman.

Is anyone else? I think it's Ben Roy. Is anyone else watching Ben Roy's Instagram where he wakes his wife up by doing morning radio? Hey, it's going to be Outlet out there today, guys. And he's holding up the video and she's so pissed. She hates it so much. And he goes so deep. He goes so long and so deep.

Yes, it's really wonderful and hilarious. It's gorgeous. They arrested Carrie Jo Hickman and say they found a T-shirt gun and another plastic package in her vehicle. They booked her into the Beckman County Jail for introducing contraband into a penal institution. Introducing it. Introducing contraband into a penal colony sounds sexual. Sounds more sexual than what happened in the story before us.

Where was this? Okay. So wait, so she just fired something over the wall. Are we going to find out what it was? DOC says the container that went over the fence contained cell phones, earbuds,

chargers, meth, digital scales, hot, and tobacco. She shot an industry over that. Literally, that's a whole business. That's a prison business. Cell phones, chargers, earbuds, meth, digital scales. By the way, cell phones, chargers, earbuds had us on one path. She's like opening a tiny radio shack. We're taking over here.

Digital scales, pot, and tobacco. You know that when she got out and all of her friends were still there, she had a list. I got it. Who wants what? I'm going to shoot this shit over with the t-shirt cannon. It's like Leonardo DiCaprio in the beach. He's like, you're going to the mainland?

You got to get me this. You got to get me this. You got to get me this. We skimmed over this. But you asked a question.ardo dicaprio in the beach he's like you're going to the mainland you gotta get me this you gotta get me this you gotta get me we skimmed over this but you asked the beach yes none of those things will get you out of prison though no why not a gun a knife saw oh yeah exactly they don't want out they got a business to run. They need supplies. They like it inside. Brooks. Shawshank. We skipped over this, but I want to really give it a moment. Sure. Where do you get a t-shirt gun? I don't know. Guys, think about it. You have kids.

If one of your kids had a t-shirt gun to shoot to their friends at their next birthday party, that would be the biggest hit ever. But how would you procure? You got to go to the Clippers. I would say A party planner Someone that does like party planners They probably have those

Or have access to Hey this is Kerry Joe Hickman You plan parties? I do Retirements, weddings, stuff like that How much weight Can you shoot out of a T-shirt? That's actually never a question we've ever received before, Carriage.

What if I need to shoot more than a T-shirt out of a T-shirt gun? I would not recommend it. You need a cannon. I wouldn't recommend it. Because it was probably a ball. Yes. It can only be the weight of a T-shirt. That's probably why these choices are limited.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. But a scale. Why not ask for a silencer T-shirt gun? These choices are limited. Oh, for sure. Yeah. But a scale. There's a scale. Why not ask for a silencer T-shirt gun? Why not get one of those water balloon launchers? Ah. It's kind of a good idea.

You mean like an Angry Birds thing? Yes. Didn't we have one of those in New York? We did have one of those. And we threw water balloons out of our window of our high-rise building. To what other building? On to the streets. It was so dumb.

It felt so good. But it was the summertime, so they appreciated the coolness. Records show that Hickman has prior convictions in Kay, Kiowa, and Pawnee counties for drug possession dating back to 2005. They say that the Rogers County Sheriff's officers say her home was searched and also turned up more drugs. And then at the end of this article we're going to leave her on this. And a giant mascot head. They just go, this is an arrest, not a conviction.

So they're letting everybody know. Rachel Hickman. She could be off. Right. She could have just been having fun. I can't prove that it was her. Here's the deal. To me, if I'm the Oklahoma City Thunder, I'm like, pick this girl up. You got a job, girl. She could be a cheerleader or a mascot.

I'm putting it out to the town. I'm on tour. You guys are all on dates going around. If anyone can get us into any sort of sporting event, minor league baseball, I don't care what it is, and I get to shoot a t-shirt gun, then you've done. You're finished. I just want to do it. Have you thrown out a first pitch?

Why hasn't Baltimore... Dude, you could probably pitch for Baltimore at this point. Come on. You should do it. At Camden Yards, wouldn't you want to do that? It'd be a dream come true. Okay. We've got to make this happen. Can we please try and make that happen? I would love to. I don't know who you talk to. You might get the jersey, too.

I would love a jersey. A Jim Palmer one. That would be great. A Mike Flanagan. A Steve Stone. Steve Stone, that's a Cubs cut, too. First a pitcher for the Orioles. What about a Don Assey?

Don Assey. Ken Singleton. Yeah, he was. I don't think he was a pitcher. No, no, he was an outfielder. And then who else was on? Tito Landrum. Yeah.

Tito Landrum played... He's one of the only players to win a World Series two years in a row on two different teams in two different leagues. That sound you're hearing is people clicking off the podcast. Jason goes specifically... I'm naming a specific Baltimore Oriole. We're just saying that two things have to happen coming out of this podcast. Number one, Dan needs to shoot a t-shirt cannon at some sporting event.

That is way above someone getting to throw a first pitch. Number two, Derek Waters needs to throw out a first pitch at Camden Yards. And we've got to make that happen. We have one more story. Dan, can you give us a little teaser of what we're about to, after the break, what we're going to hear? It has to do with sperm. Okay. Oh, Jesus.

All right. We've done it all on this show. Derek Waters is with us. Drunk History 6B. Eight. Oh, Jesus. All right. We've done it all on this show. Derek Waters is with us. Drunk History 6B. Eight more episodes coming out. You want to check that out. Tuesday nights on Comedy Central, starting on 618. We'll be back right after this.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. All right, guys. welcome back to the show. Sklod Brothers here with Daniel Van Kirk. Yep. Hey, go see Daniel Van Kirk live. He is really one of the best people to see live.

If you go to DanielVanKirk.com, you can check that out. I don't know when this is specifically dropping. I know we will be in San Francisco at the end of this month. This might, yes, I think drop the week that that is happening. Yes. We'll be at Cobb's Comedy Club on the 28th and 29th, which is a huge club and we'd like to fill it up.

All you Derek Waters fans who are listening to this podcast and all you people who are in San Francisco, please come up and hang out with us at these wonderful shows at this great club. If you go to superscleros.com, you can see all of our dates. For our San Diego people, I want to mention that we are not going to be in San Diego at the end of July. We're going to the Montreal Comedy Festival. We got invited there. But we pushed it to January, so we'll be in San Diego in January. A that we are not going to be in San Diego at the end of July we're going to the Montreal Comedy Festival we got invited there

but we pushed it to January so we'll be in San Diego in January a great time to be there I forgot when this dropped I'm on tour right now go to Daniel Van Kirk I'm in the Midwest

come hang out with me do it alright ready oh by the way follow Derek Waters on Twitter and Instagram a great Twitter and Instagram follow

that's very nice thank you at Derek Waters with two S's sent in by Kyle Andrews at Kyle Andrews 18 That's very nice. Thank you. At Derek Waters. Sent in by Kyle Andrews at KyleAndrews18.

Technology will never fail to amaze and baffle us in equal measure as contraptions get more and more advanced. Don't start this out like this is a sharper image article. This is like a gotta get flowery. Did you ever see that

does that ever happen as people are getting super drunk on the show and they want to say that they get more flowery with their language and more sort of like they feel like i need to add more to this story yes yes and who is that can you remember one person who's they all do they all really and i always say you've already said that you've already said that. You've already said that. Keep going. But this is the power of the drunk brain is that it'll be like

just at the end of whoever we're talking about, Benjamin Franklin. Uh-huh. And right before he died, he said to his wife, oh, wait, I forgot.

Can I start again? Yeah, go ahead. So Ben Franklin was born. No, no, do not fucking start. Do not start from the very, go ahead. So Ben Franklin was born. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, from the very beginning. And that's the dream brain. But I love that you leave everything in, too. You leave it all in.

Like just before, and you've got Ben Franklin sitting there with his wife. Oh, wait. And he kind of looks at the camera. It's so fucking good. Oh, thanks, man. All right, let's hear this writer. Technology will never fail to amaze and baffle us in equal measure as contraptions get more

and more advanced, just like this machine in China, which is being used to help men donate sperm. Okay. So it's a handjob machine. Hmm. Like cows. Happy ending? You got that right.

That's it. Oh, look at that. You put your penis in there? You walk up to it about hip height. It milks you. It's a little. By the way, it seems hip height. It milks you. It's a little... By the way, it seems like it's at a mall. It's a thrusting tube.

When does it get cleaned? Right next to the blood pressure thing at CVS. It also gives you your Dr. Scholl's number. What are you looking at? Do you at least see stuff? No. You just stand there? Sir, if you need that, there's a room.

You can either look and use yourself, or you can... Sir, your wife is trying on three outfits in this Nordstrom. Derek Waters cutting to the chase. What are you looking at? Yeah. And also, I like to be in charge. I don't like... You're just getting a pig to suck your dick.

Here's the deal. That's what it looks like. I mean, this to me is the step to try and go to the hands-free everything. It's a hands-free handjob. More of this technology. What's this guy's name? I want to get on him. Who sent us the story?

Kyle Andrews. He sent us the story. He didn't write it. Oh, I don't know. My point is that this is more and more examples of how we will die because no one's going to want to reproduce. That might feel amazing. Jess Hardiman.

Jess. Hardiman. Hardiman. You want to write a story about Chinese jerk-off machines? Sure. Oh, and that's where it is? Sorry. I'm a slow learner. China. Okay, keep going. The footage of

the machine in action has gone viral for obvious reasons, largely because it's pretty bizarre sight to behold. No pun intended, Dan. There you go. Largely because it's pretty bizarre sight to behold, but also because it's a potential solution for men who struggle with masturbation or find... What? How? Who struggles with masturbation?

I get struggling with sex, but masturbation... Maybe who struggles with masturbation i get struggling with sex but like masturbation maybe jim habit sorry i met him by the way i met him a really nice guy i love jim uh or or men who find the idea for bringing that one up or men who hand jokes or men who find the idea of going into a room to um pleasure themselves into a plastic cup to be a little unnerving why is that unnerving? Why is it unnerving? I mean, it might be for some people, but I don't know that standing in a hallway while your dick gets pumped by a machine

is any better. It's unnerving. They're saying that this is not nerving. This is less nerving. There's no nerves to this. There's no nerves to this. You're just standing in front of a machine. Pants. If one is unnerving, this would be unnerving, right?

You're like, man, I just don't know how to do, I don't know how to get myself off. I just, I'm sorry. Oh, you have something that can help me? Okay, yep, plant your feet. We're going to see if you have any bunions. By the way, this is probably developed for the same technology that milks cows. It is!

It's one of those, you know, like... The clip has been, the hot clip, has been doing the rounds on social media developed for the same technology that milks cows it's one of those you know like the kill the clip has been the hot clip has been doing the rounds on social media with one person one person quipped if you build it they will come oh comment jokes comment jokes comment jokes and that's wrong it should be like if you milk it they will someone else uh sorry uh it does about it good yeah but um also uh papa where did i come good to the last drop show her the video someone else this is where you came from was it at woodstock papa yeah no no in a chinese is that a chineseS. I fucked a pig. Someone else pondered, quote, I mean, does it put all the output together like a sperm smoothie? That is true.

Like, once it's out, where does it go then? Where does it go inside the thing? A third wrote, and you've already called this, Derek Waters, a third person wrote, I feel sorry for whoever has to clean these machines. I feel sorry for whoever has to go second. The automatic sperm. The automatic sperm. That's right. Someone having trouble masturbating, you're number two in the lineup. The automatic sperm extractor,

which is in quotes, I guess it's the name of it. The ASC. Now you're trying to make it sound like a Wonka creation. Come on, kids. Come for me and you'll see. The world of pure imagination. Oh, I thought you were going to say pure ejaculation.

The coming man can. The automatic sperm extractor machines featured a lubricated pipe which resembles a female organ and massages and stimulates the penis to simulate sexual intercourse. But by the way, it still looks like a blood pressure machine. Yeah. 100%. So, to Derek Waters' point at the beginning, there is nothing. No, it looks like an ATM machine with a blood pressure machine in the middle of it. So, like, there is nothing about it

that is sexual. So, if you want all the pleasure of sexuality with a cold robot, then enjoy it. Also, like like the machine can't look at you disapprovingly so it's not like sex at all for those of you uh listening uh picture a subway when you walk through a subway uh token taker a token taker um but and and then imagine like just the the mouth of a pig and standing right in front of it and the pig's going, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. A lot of trepidation. Yeah. I'm in. I'm out.

I'm on it. I'm not. According to The Sun, the machines have been made by a Chinese company following concerns from the country's government over severe shortage of sperm donations. Don't we have the most people in China? Am I wrong? We're doing fine. Our world is doing fine with its population. Don't we have the most people in China? Am I wrong? We're doing fine. Our world is doing fine with its population.

Don't they have more men than women? Recently, well, this might solve that problem, too. Recently, state-run media asked volunteers to, quote, show their compassion and help mitigate the country's aging problem. Come on. But many prospective donors were apparently put off by the thought of doing so in a clinical environment. Dan, by the way, I just want to take this moment as we're doing this story to remind

people, remind me of this. If you're still on our drip, you should leave drip and head over to Patreon. I just thought of drip. That's a good time. Thank you. I get that. I'm picking up what you're putting out. Thank you, Dan.

Thank you. Hospitals mostly use masturbation as their collection method without providing a venue or equipment. A venue. That's inventor Ding Zhuang told Reuters. You could call...

This is going to be a very bad joke. I apologize to everybody. At Sklar Brothers. You could call the machine Ding Zhuang. There the machine ding this makes collecting sperm on i gotta get my ding we'll do it the hospitals don't give you a venue or equipment quote this makes collecting sperm on site very difficult we invented an automatic sperm extractor which is that difficult user friendly okay how many people how many sperm banks out there are saying god we just can't mean, we're getting the guys in here. We just can't get them to conform.

We cannot get, we're so low on product. You can lead a guy to a sperm bank and you can't make it come. Our porns are from the 60s. Yeah. There's a lot of story. No, no, there's a whole lot of backstory. Guys are stuck watching scenes. What if we said this about porn?

If there is an exterior shot of a building, that's too much backstory much you don't need to know geography do you think this is part of 2019 where we're just so fucking lazy we can't jerk off that's it i think that's what they're saying you can't say it's not part of it do it for me quote there's a quote first of all it's it first of all it stimulated a female organ i I think they meant to say simulated. And then replicates the physical movements of sexual intercourse by moving back and forth. The Medical Science and Technology Center sells around 10,000 of the unusual machines every year, each costing how much in U.S. dollars do you guys think this pig mouth sex machine costs? Are they together? Is it a group of them?

Or is it just one? In that video, we saw it look like they were lined up. That might have been for a demonstration. I'll go $50,000. I'm going to say $10,000. I'm going to say if it's more than $20,000, they're just jerking you around. That's the Florida Brothers.

I'm going to say $20,000. They sell 10,000 of the usual machines a year, each costing, and this is in U.S. dollars, $5,632. Oh, Jason. Less than what you think. Not a bad deal. Many of these machines,

China wanted for their population, but many of these are reportedly also shipped to the U.S., Germany, Russia, and France. Hey, listen, you don't have to take it out to dinner. Am I right? You could take it with you to dinner. You know my friend Gloria. Gloria Holes. Dan!

Daniel Van Kirk! There you go. There's got to be a negative story to that. It's all positive. It's all positive. There's no one that got stuck in there. Yeah, man stuck in machine. Come back there, Quarters.

Christmas story, Ralphie getting stuck in there. What started out as fun ended with an unhappy ending for one local Ola Hoga man. You'll shoot your load out. It was baby Jessica's boyfriend. You're gonna shoot your one eye out. Baby Jessica, the one who fell

in the well. I was just trying to come, sir. Those are our stories. There you go. Wow, dumb. That is dumb people town. That is dumb.

He is Derek Waters and I know I am gonna be one of the many people watching 6B, season 6B of Drunk History, one of our favorite shows. It's brilliant comedy on the highest level done by a truly awesome and sweet guy, Derek Waters. You have an open invite to come on this show whenever you want to, whenever you're promoting something. We'll do it live sometime. We'll do it live with you sometime. Oh, the live idea is great.

I love it. And if you can vote for Emmys, vote for us. Yeah, if you can, vote for these guys. You certainly deserve one. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.