Dumb People Town - Doug Benson - The Yolk Has Been Broken

Episode Date: April 25, 2017

This week, Doug Benson (The High Court with Doug Benson) moseys on down to Dumb People Town. The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk discuss Doug's new show, The High Court.Story #1, a man is dumbfounded that the community doesn't appreciate when he brings his pets to the park. In Story #2, a Grindr date is broken up. In Story #3 a record is broken that may make you lose your appetite for Cadbury Creme eggs. Ira Glass leaves a very informative voicemail. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, jerk, don't be a jerk. That's when the music gets the funny hits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down. It's Dumb People Town.

Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. You know what, we're gonna do a live show and we're gonna find out if this worked or not i don't know i think it works it works for our guest shot works for our guests he joined in our guest is doug benson welcome to the show dumb people town i like that one too i like that one too i do buddy hi thanks for joining us uh on this show we just did your lovely podcast, Doug Loves Movies, live in Portland. It was super fun. That was a good one. A number of your shows. The Madison one, when, is it you, Jay, that could not think of Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood?

Yeah. That was one of the best moments. I kept looking at my left foot, and I just couldn't, getting no clues from his left foot. Doug, let's talk about your show. What show? The TV show. High Court. Getting no clues from his left foot. Doug, let's talk about your show. What show?

It's a TV show. High Court. High Court. All 20 episodes have aired. People like it. Is it coming back? Comedy Central's sitting around. Deciding?

Yeah. Yeah. Among other things. I don't know how they spend their days. Podcast listeners that will know, I'm not going to say why that doug and i hang out a lot and i remember in the process of like shooting the show doug told me about this bit with rory because the best thing this is even in the first episode that i saw at the premiere these people will at a certain point they don't need doug to even be there no they're just going to air it out with each other they just keep going and so i don't know how you started it, but these two people

are going at each other. Doug takes the gavel and just kind of tosses it to prove I think that they aren't even paying attention. They're not even going to pay attention. Rory goes and gets it. Rory goes and gets it and doesn't just give it back. He, in a most formal, professional sense, presents it back to Doug. Doug takes it,

lets Rory get reset up against the wall, throws it again. They do this like eight times. These twoory get reset up against the wall. Throws it again. They do this like eight times. These two people never stop yelling at each other. If people haven't seen that episode, you have to because it is hilarious. It's known as the gavel throw. The high court gavel throw. I actually was thinking about it the entire

time I was in jury duty. I even tweeted out wishing that Doug was the judge. I said I wish this was the high court with Doug Benson. That's what I tweeted out wishing that Doug was the judge I said I wish this was the high court with Doug Benson that's what I tweeted out that's what everybody wishes now everything could be settled do people see you on the streets and just ask you to settle disputes

no cause you don't like to hang on the streets yeah I don't you know people don't ask me to solve anything yet or judge anything Todd Glass as a bailiff. I feel like it's something, like every bailiff should be Todd Glass. He just wants to show off his sleeve of tattoos. Sleeve of tattoos.

Yeah, but he just stands there with his arms folded and he gets disgusted. Really? He gets very disgusted with everything. He can't believe what's going on. He's in shock that he has to watch you preside over this now. Well, there was a case where a guy punches another guy in the face and Todd's like, the first guy who punches somebody, they're in the wrong

no matter what the other guy did. I'm like, there's got to be some extenuating circumstances, Todd. No, no matter what he did. You punch a guy, you're the one that's wrong. He really sticks to that. I feel like Doug has had a lot of experience

like mixing in with the people of the people who populate a lot of the stories on this podcast wouldn't that be great if we had a story on Dumb People Telling that ended on the next season of High Court needed to be decided by Doug

and Doug's like well I've done a lot of case work on this so this is your chance I don't want it to go all the way to my favorite murder, but if it just did R2, that would still be good enough. I don't want it to go that far. No, I don't want it to go that far. Do you guys want to do a story? Let's do one.

Doug, would you like to do a story? Yeah, okay. All right. Do you want to do a story? I didn't know I'd have that kind of power over the format of this show. We're all in it. All right, no stories. That's it.

That's a show. Great show, buddy. No stories tonight. We're just going to together. We're all in it. All right, no stories. That's it. That's a show. Great show, buddy. No stories tonight. We're just going to go straight to bed. No stories tonight in my coffee. No stories tonight in my tea. But having coffee and tea, do you really think at night he wants coffee and tea? He doesn't want sugar in any of it.

Bretton Cummings does not care. He doesn't want any sugar in any of it. He shouldn't be having coffee or tea that late at night. No. He treats sugar the way I treat cilantro. Hates it. I don't want any of it. He shouldn't be having coffee or tea that late at night. He treats sugar the way I treat cilantro. Hates it. You don't like it? I think he thinks sugar tastes like dishwashing detergent.

Maybe he's having sleepy time tea. Oh, that's a good call. Sleeping time coffee's good, too. Mother's milk tea. He's trying to bring in his milk. I remember I ordered tacos for the table once, and you were adamant about cilantro. Table tacos. Alright, here we go ordered tacos for the table once, and you were adamant about cilantro. Table tacos.

All right, here we go. So good. This was sent in by El Mad Anto. At E-L-M-A-D-A-N-T-O. Kind of like the El Madrigal. Yeah, El Madrigal. Can I, I got to write that down. Yes. El Mad Anto.

You got it. You got it. You got it. El Mad Anto. I'm probably saying it wrong. The Nanny state. Is that real? Do you guys know what the nanny state is?

Anywhere where Fran Drescher is? I don't know either. Florida? That's the... Machete state. Pull over to the left state, right? Yeah. Machete state.

To the left. Who would pull over to the left? What's wrong with me? Cheek state? One way, maybe. What state has the most working families that have to have a nanny well according to this it's south dakota is that real south dakota's the nanny it can't be that's just gotta be like some those highfalutin people in south dakota liberties this reporter

took well anyway it says the nanny state has got a guy feeling like a snake on a leash you know when they open with jokes we're gonna be great it's a sing-songy title south dakota snake owner jerry kimball well i bet you if he had his choice that's the way he would always be introduced snake owner if you're my uncle j is my uncle jerry kimball whoa whoa snake owner snake owner south dakota snake owner jerry kimball snake owners are like people who've been to prague they cannot wait to tell you about it by the way have you ever been to Prague

no it's amazing have you been to Prague I saw a snake there oh that's good that's the best story of all yeah and I've got the pictures

have you been to Prague really yeah and you won't shut up about it I can't believe it and it's really not even my fault if I wanted Charles River it's like

old town it's like Sir Mix-a-Lot. You can't lie. Well, he liked Big Buds. He cannot lie. Right. I'd like to not tell you about Prague. I can't not do it. I have to tell you about Prague.

It was amazing. Well, South Dakota snake owner Jerry Kimball, JK, was positively, quote, dumbfounded to learn he could not let a snake roam freely in a park he took his snake to the park off leash yeah yeah is there a snake run in the park a snake run you can't take a snake to a park with families and kids and be like run around have fun just come back when you're done letting it get air that's a dumb guy kimball Kimball was fined $190 for not having... That seems too little. That either seems like too little or way too much.

His four-month-old Fire Bee Ball Python, that's a name, on a leash, and he's not happy about it. Do you think that someone manufactures snake leashes? We're going to get to the bottom of it. Would a rope suffice? Well, a rope is more of a noose when you're talking about a snake. You got to tie it cruelly tight. Cruel.

Where are you going to put the tags? I don't get this whole thing. I mean, it seems like they're basically saying no snakes. You are essentially reading the quotes from Jerry Kimball without even knowing. I'm sorry, snake owner Jerry Kimball. South Dakota snake owner. Where does it say no snakes?

Doug, you are in the wheelhouse right now. Quote, it was April Fool's Day. This guy lives in South Dakota. I am not joking. He has a southern dialect. It was April Fool's Day, so I thought he was playing a joke. I know this because I watched the news footage. I thought he was playing a joke, Kimball told the Argus Leader.

Don't know what that is, other than the coolest naming newspaper I've ever heard. The Argus Leader. The Argus Leader, about being ticketed by an animal control officer. Quote, they're not fast creatures. They're not going to run away. They are very loving, you know. Like this one is calm, cool, collected. She loves attention.

She loves affection. Just don't put your hands near her mouth. She's very photogenic. Just don't get anywhere near her. I would say calling it a she is a stretch. It's a snake. He knows if it's a guy or a girl. Really?

Keep your rat child baby away from him and everything will be fine. That's right. A little bee. He only swallowed one little dog. He's standing up there on the middle of the park just being like, he's eating. He's already eating. Relax. I fed him.

You know what? It is one of those moments where the guy thinks he's above the law because he has a snake. Like holding a snake makes you feel biblically above the law. Yeah, like you're tapped into some other time. Yeah, I control animals. I control one of the most dangerous animals around. Why can't I tell people what to do? I mean, think about, listen to the last three sentences of him describing his own snake,

which proves beyond a doubt he is a snake guy. Thought about it too much. She loves attention. She loves affection. She's very photogenic. Could be talking about his dick. Now, the third one is his opinion. By the way, she loves attention, she loves affection.

Fine. I'm going to give him those two. You feel like he's known the snake long enough. If you pet the snake, he maybe rolls over on her back or something like that. But very photogenic. There's no back. They can't smile or frown. No.

They just got resting snake face. Very photogenic. Here's the question. Also, I've seen planet Earth. Every animal is photogenic. Yeah. Number one and number two, this guy either has like the lowest bar ever for what makes a great picture.

What considers photogenic, yeah. I think this guy just has the lowest bar, period, on a lot of things. This snake really likes people. See how he's slithering away see how he's slithering around everywhere that's how much he likes you guys it's a good sign that he loves you I just picture him with it around his neck he only does that if he loves you man

saying things to it like what'd you say oh don't look at me like that or just I know you're right i always raise a red flag when it's someone insists on getting a pet of the opposite sex why because that seems to replace a life partner just in that moment just some emotional love and i'm not discounting gay people owning pets i think they're allowed now you're into it i think they're allowed to now i don't know our brothers the thing about saying uh where is this again south dakota the nanny state okay you know

why did i forget it's in the nanny state straight from the nanny state he says the thing about snakes though is that they can still move, which is why the officer suggested Kimball put a leash on his pet. This is what he said. Here we go, Doug. Kimball told the publication, Argus Leader, for people following along at home, he was like literally asking me to put a rope around my snake. Yeah, I was like, dude, no.

I was dumbfounded. Yeah. You're dumbfounded. The snake could go right through the hole in the rope i feel like that's also his excuse for not wearing condoms i don't put a rope on the snake hey man i don't put a rope on well you want me to tie the snake up with another snake is that what you're asking i think he needs one of those things that the korean grocers that like pulls the claw the claw you know i'm talking about the claw but just keep it

clamped around the snake and keep keep it clamped around the snake. No, no, this is good for the snake. Jerry Kimball posted a message on Facebook via, here's the most key word, his group, Sioux Falls Snake Adventures. That's his group. That's his group. Every day is an adventure. What are you doing tomorrow?

You want to meet me for a snake adventure? Well, that depends. Are you going to bring your camera? Because you know how photogenic she is. That's his snake adventures. He's like, we're going to take a snake to a park. Right. Off leash, bitches.

You pay me, I'll let you watch. I'll let you watch. I mean, kudos to people who find whatever they love to do in life. But when I hear of a guy who has his own Facebook group called Sioux Falls Snake Adventures, this is who the song Everybody's Working for the Weekend was written for. Yeah. I mean, on some level, it is quite beautiful. Yeah.

He's got his thing. Look, I'm happy it's not technology. I'm happy it's the animal world. Although, listen, if you are buying a snake, which is one of the most alternative pets you can have. Sure. You and also people are afraid of snakes. There was never like a Samuel L. Jackson movie called Bunnies on a Plane.

Right. Like that's never happened. Snakes are phobia. Snakes on a plane scare the shit out of people. So if that is going to happen, you have to be prepared for people to be freaked out that you are carrying it. Right.

Instead of just letting it free roam among them. Whether the other person's right or not, you're going to have to put a leash on them. He knows what a special creature it is. He knows the negative and positive attention it gets when he takes it places. He understands how photogenic Sherry Church is. If y'all stopped screaming, you'd see the beauty.

If y'all stopped screaming, you'd see the beauty. The ultimate sign of love is to share your bed with a snake. I mean, that's the ultimate sign of trust. I lay down with a snake, I get up with a snake. That is the ultimate sign of love is to share your bed with a snake. I mean, that's the ultimate sign of trust. I lay down with a snake, I get up with a snake. That is the ultimate sign of trust. Also, keep in track, Doug has laid down two of the best pickup lines in the history of Dumb People Town. The ultimate sign of love is laying in bed with a snake. And do you want to go on a snake adventure tomorrow?

Yes. This is what Jerry Kimball posted on Facebook. I'm sorry, Snake Guy Jerry Kimball. So, this is just him writing. Stream of consciousness, if you believe it or not. So, how about I got a ticket Saturday while doing an educational meet and greet at Falls Park? Now, I'm going to stop. Now he suddenly made it this.

It's a meet and greet. Which you know he said to the snake before he left. You guys ready for a meet and greet? Yeah. Took the snake. Took the snake. Meet the snake to the park. Meet and greets are what you do after you do a comedy show. Also, meet and greets are set up by people who want,

they want the meet and greet. Right. They're there to meet and greet you. He wanted to meet. You don't force a meet and greet on people. Just like you don't force a snake on someone at a park. Hey, people of this park, it's time to meet and greet. Meet and greet what?

Now, look, you just stay where you are. My snake adventure. She's going to come around. She's going to meet and greet meet and greet what now look you just stay where you are she's my snake adventure she's gonna come around she's gonna come around to you you stay she's gonna let me just pull my snake out no no don't charge at her she doesn't love that does not love that stop breathing over there stop breathing she doesn't like that either can we get those kids off the swing set that's too small of a dog ma'am you're gonna have to leave the park he was doing well so that would make people's dogs go nuts, too. Nuts! So how about I got a ticket Saturday while doing an educational meet and greet

at Falls Park for not having my snakes on a leash, LOL. Plural? Plural. The plot thickens. I never heard of such a thing. This is crazy. I've been doing this for 20 plus years. A fact that I'm sure he tells anyone who will listen.

20 plus years I've been having snakes. And a fact that a lot of people know. That's why they don't go to the park anymore. I am not going to go. You want to go to the park with the kids? Not if the snake guy is going to be there. I've been taking these snakes to this deserted park for going on two decades. And nobody has complained.

It's funny, 21 years ago, it was packed. We were here before the jungle gym. This is a first for me, anyone else ever heard of putting a snake on a leash without injuring it or getting off just... Or getting off, just kind of want to show... I'm sorry, I'm trying to make sense. He's afraid that the thing's gonna leave. Oh, I should say this. It's a paragraph he uses no punctuation.

Of course. Without injuring it or getting off, just kinda wanna show off this nonsense. Maybe you could give me your thoughts on the matter as I fight this in court. Thank you in advance for looking. What? I don't know, looking?

Reading? Why? Thanks for looking. Though the Argus newspaper know. Looking? Reading? Why? Thanks for looking. Though the Argus newspaper only mentions one fireball-free python, a photo of the citation, which he included in his message, shows that there were two ball pythons on the grass with nobody holding them. He took two pythons out to a park. Yes.

So he couldn't... You can't manage both. So if somebody what if somebody got scared didn't know that those were his pythons took whatever tool shovel thing they had in their hands and just started whacking away because i might do that if my children were around the thing i bet people are going to write us and say yeah you know an opportunity when you see it get the shovel get the shovel. Get the shovel, honey. We're going to have a snake adventure.

We're about to have our own snake adventure. My son would love nothing more than to destroy a snake with a shovel. He would love nothing more in this universe. So Jason, put your snake on a leash. This is a future serial killer. Oh, fair enough. Jason, put your snake on a leash for the protection of the snake. Yeah, that sounds better. The snake.

I bet people are going to tell us that if it was a hot day out, the snakes would just lay in one place and not really want to. Especially if they have eaten. You know what? I guarantee you. Watch. Here come the comments. Here they come. Here come the comments.

Jerry Kimball was ticketed for animals running at large. Referring to the cop, Kimball said, quote, he He was like, technically you have to have them on a leash. I was like, sir, they do not make such an item. Back to Doug's earlier comment. No such thing as a snake leash. Snake leash. Although someone needs to start making snake leashes. Yes, last year, many citations were issued in the city of Sioux Falls for violating the rule.

Kimball, however, doesn't think it should apply to snakes. I'm going to ask you guys really quick. How many citations do you think were issued for animals not on a leash in Sioux Falls? Just a fun one we're doing here. Because I first read this as specifically snakes and it blew my mind. Then I realized it was for... In a year? In a year.

How many? 70. 70 from Doug Benson. 130. 130 from Jason Sklar. 200. 200 from Randy Sklar. Last year, 253.

Whoa! That's a lot of snakes. I know. Let's pretend it's all snakes. All snakes. And it's all this guy. Right. One dude. Kimball doesn't think it should apply of snakes. I know, let's pretend it's all snakes. All snakes. And it's all this guy. Right. One dude.

Kimball doesn't think it should apply to snakes. Jerry Kimball said he plans to fight the ticket. Quote, people have a fear of snakes. I want to change that. Okay.

That is... Well, that is a valid... That's valid. Yeah, but there's a way... That's why there's no South Dakota Jones. Yes. Because they got so many

snakes in Sioux Falls. That's right. This should be season four of Fargo. I want to change that. He gets deep here. That's my purpose in life, to let people know that snakes aren't killers. Technically, they are killers, though.

They just don't... Yours aren't killing in that moment. Python sounds scary. Right. What better way to give back than to help people understand these misunderstood creatures? You know,

educational meet and greet. Is he literally asking what better way than to just drop them off at the park and see what happens? This is definitely a guy who they're like,

hey, what's his name again? Jerry Kimball. Hey, Jerry, the kids are having a birthday party. Nope, do not bring your snakes over.

Don't bring them. We're just going to go ahead and right now tell you to leave those snakes at home. Just leave them at home. Thanks. I know you want to teach everybody. Just leave them at home. Yeah, why doesn't he make an exhibit in his garage?

And then people can come by if they want to see it. People would do that, I bet. Yeah. Have a cooler of beer ready to go. Charge 50 cents a can. Have a cooler of snakes ready to go. We bought a zoo. Isn't that the basis of we bought a zoo, Doug, I ask you?

It is. I love movies. Thanks for that. Doug loves movies. Honey, I know you're leaving, but I want to know, we bought a snake. We bought a snake. We bought a zoo. Isn't that the basis of we bought a zoo, Doug, I ask you? It is. I love movies. Thanks for that. Doug loves it. Honey, I know you're leaving, but I want to know, we bought a snake. We bought a snake. We bought a snake. We bought a snake zoo.

Nothing will help people feel more comfortable with a python, this is the person writing this article, than having it roam freely in a park. I agree with that. Funny. Jerry Kimball closed with, I'm not the most educated man in the world, but I do have 20 years experience. We're back to that point. I'm taking the most educated man in the world, but I do have 20 years experience. We're back to that point. I'm taking these things apart.

And I'm smart enough to know that you cannot put a snake on a leash. Well, he is smart enough. I, for one, am proposing that Byron Allen host a show of just four snakes, and it's called Snakes Unleashed. Coming up next, we got a Burmese. Hey, Burmese Python, you said you flew recently. What was that like for you? I would have set you up. What's that story you had about visiting your in-laws?

That's a story, guys. First story down in the books. The great Doug Benson is with us and we've got more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. show getting doug with high yep uh and and doug loves movies and dining with doug and karen are we missing any doug that's a lot of shows check out a doug loves minis yeah love minis doug love movies an interruption coming to a city near you at some point i'm sure eruptions gonna be in nashville soon nice done some good stuff i love that you roll into a town and and you don't just

bring the stand up put on some shows different shows. You put on all kinds of shows. Different things, different formats. It's cool. I do think it's awesome that you, as a comedian, have adapted to changing ways of presenting comedy. It's awesome. You are at the forefront, I would say, of that. You were one of the first people who told us to do a podcast, by the way.

Oh, yeah? Back in the dizzay. Really? Back at UCB. We're in the green room at UCB Franklin, and we were really interested in doing it. And you had just started doing it or been doing it for a year or so, and you said, I think you gave two comments.

Three, actually. You said it's a great way to draw sort of an imaginary circle around your audience and bring them closer to you, as well as you guys already know how to do it and can handle it and you would have a great time doing it those were three things we needed to hear and then like shortly thereafter we started doing it it was you and pardo and hardwick and fit simmons the four of you guys were like you should do it and that was very influential doug told me to get out of the game yeah Yeah. There was a point where I realized that telling all these people to do podcasts is idiotic

because I'm just creating competition for myself. That's right. So now when people ask, I say, get out. There's not enough room for anyone anymore. That idea is not good that you have. Yeah. And I just secretly, I gnash my teeth at night and think of ways to murder people that have more than one podcast.

That's right. Know your place, I think, is what you wanted to tell a lot of people. Know your place in life. Is this driving before we go to Austin or after? After. Oh, okay. Thanks for everybody who came there. Thanks for everybody.

Oh, yeah. Austin's always great. I bet you had a great time. Such a good time. Hey, we're going to be in Kansas City. Yeah? We're going to be there May 11th through the 13th. Excited about those shows.

Nice. We haven't done shows in Kansas City. Nice. We're going to do a Finding the Funny while we're there, which will be really cool. Mr. Rogowski. Rogowski will be there. So come see us at the Kansas City Improv May 11th, like leading up to that Mother's Day weekend. And then we'll sort of lay out the rest of where we're going to be.

Just go to superscribers.com and all of our dates will be on there. Doug, where can they check you out? Douglovesmovies.com is where all my dates are. Beautiful. Get it. All right, Dan, what else you got for us? First, I want to say I love everybody who listens to this show. So many people are sending me stories.

New people. Oh, tons of people. I have to give a nod. So many people, I don't know if any of you guys saw this in the room, there was a story floating around a couple weeks ago about a girl who trained squirrels to attack her ex-boyfriend. Yes. Which is fantastic.

This story was probably sent to me more than any other story. For those of you who don't know, and some of the people who love us, let me know, fake. The whole thing's fake. The whole thing's fake. Fine. So some people who are part of our, I call them our Dumb People Town Research Department. They're definitely-

Verifiers. They work for the city council. Yes, they do. Some sort of position where they check everything for us. Fact checkers. They let me know. So thanks to everybody who said that. And then also, I want to let people know, we're going to be starting a Dumb People Town

Facebook page. Yeah. And that'll have links to the stories and stuff that we do on there so people can go on there and talk about it. That will be starting soon. There's always the Dumb People Town. You follow Dumb People Town on Twitter as well.

Yes. So everybody join that group once it starts. You'll probably see it by the time this is up. And I love that you're part of this Dumb People Town community with us. is there a picture of the squirrels no but they just use stock photo because it was fake fake squirrels photos it didn't happen but they did have photos so it still didn't happen i wonder if you could leash for a squirrel probably that's easier right not in south dakota i wonder if you could lease a squirrel. Yeah. To own? Yeah, with an option to buy. Okay, this was sent in by Lance Rodeo.

At Lance Rodeo. It's like it sounds. No fake names, please. Well, it's not his first rodeo. Who knows? We don't. You ready? Yep.

Two men. Two men trying to join Tallahassee's version of the Mile High Club at the Florida Capitol were given trespass warnings last week. So they were trying to have sex with each other. Yeah. God bless it. Sure. They're already fighting an uphill battle because Tallahassee is a very hilly town.

Slip J. At Sklar Brothers, guys. It's a little chicken. At Sklar Brothers, guys. It is, if you listen to S-Town, you know the South not too welcoming to the gays. Well, I mean, hey, they're taking over the Florida Capitol, and I give them kudos for that. It is a university town, though, so God bless it. It happened around 1245 p.m. April 3rd, when an officer with Capitol Police went into a men's restroom on the 22nd floor to wash his hands,

according to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. That's where I like to wash my hands. I just like that one. Oh, that's at the Mile High apartment? I guess, because they're on the 22nd floor. That can't be a mile. That's not a mile high. I thought it had to be in a plane.

I didn't think it just has to be a mile up. Or in Denver. Denver is the Mile High City. You guys can take a pass, but I'm going to ask. Any handjob in Denver. Wait, if you get a handjob in Denver, you're in the mile-high club? Any handjob in Denver. Doug, you're going to Denver.

Yeah, but I'm already in the club. I'm going to ask you guys. You can take a pass. Have any of you engaged in any business on a plane? Yes. At times of the year? Really? Randy. any of you engaged in any business on a plane? Yes. At times. Really? Randy.

That's Randy for the listener at home. Jay? No. No? Never. I watched two people watch. I haven't had any real business. No.

I haven't really gotten it on. I watched two people go at it. I was on a United flight. Have sex on a plane? I'm sitting in the aisle. Across the aisle from me. Stop. Is a girl on the aisle, and then empty seat, and then a guy.

And I had noticed them at the gate, and they looked like they were not a couple. They looked like business people traveling together, but they were also friends. And there was an age discrepancy. And in my own mind,'m like oh they work together he's married she's the boss we're about an hour into this flight she takes her legs

turns towards the window seat and puts them up on his lap and kind of like takes a little nap and I'm like oh that's pretty comfortable for the two of them he then takes a blanket and puts it over her flat. Now, she has kicked off her sandals, shoes, whatever she was wearing. So her feet are exposed out of the end of the blanket.

But from about calf to torso is covered. Then he turns kind of towards her. And they think they're so conspicuous. Is it conspicuous're so conspicuous. Is it conspicuous? Inconspicuous. Inconspicuous is correct. They're like our children.

When they crouch down, if they close their eyes, then they've disappeared. He puts one hand on her lap above the pillow. Other arm goes under the blanket. And then I just start seeing a right-handed thrusting motion. It's like I can see your shoulder moving. He's trying to be, but what's giving her away is, remember how I said her feet were exposed?

They start moving. Just a lot of just releasing. Toe curl. Toe curl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm watching these two, and then he, at one point, her eyes are, she's in a different place. He looks over at me like, what, you know,

because he notices I'm watching. And I look at him, I go, you're doing it. On the plane. Yes. Yeah. So I took mine out. Put that snake, put a leash on that I'm watching. And I look at him and I go, you're doing it. On the plane? Yes. So I took mine out. Put a leash on that snake, bitch. I took mine out. The three of us had a great fight.

I don't think that happened. The last part didn't. I love that. You're doing it. Yeah, that's what I said. I go, you're doing it. You should have grabbed the vomit bag and started miming. Vomit.

All right. It happened around... To start hitting the call button over and over again. Ding, ding, ding, ding. I was wondering if you could just

look to your right. The officer, so he walks in to wash his hands. That's what they say. Yeah, like you were saying, Rand, he just loves that sink. The officer saw two pairs of...

They said if you look to row 15, you'll see the Grand Canyon. Do you think that's a harsh... That's what... That's a harsh description of her vagina. I mean, he was really...

It was a lot of action going on. It's a lot of arm action. Yeah, a lot of action. And if you're on the other side of the plane, you can still see it. That's how grand it is.

The officer saw two pairs of shoes in the handicapped stall. I love his point here. That were nowhere near the toilet or the sink. He's watching it going, hmm. It's hanging out. That's an invisible man. About the same time. Imagine this, guys.

Some guy, he's probably three and a half years marked on his calendar away from retirement, gold watch with the elastics. He can see the finish line. He's washing his hands. He looks up behind him, sees two pairs of shoes, right? And the only bathroom he can trust in this damn building. Floor 22. About that same

time, one of the men looked over the stall divider to see who would come in. Who dat? Who's out here? Hey, who's out here? We're busy. Don't mess with our shoes. The officer heard what sounded like clothes being put back on and ordered the men to come out of the stall.

Ages 20 and 21. One of the men said they What's the problem? You guys, do you know that this used to be my job? At Marshall's. At Marshall Fields. Marshall Fields. You used to have sex with dudes in the men's room. Like it was my job.

You're doing this. No. It became too much like a job, Doug, so we had to stop doing it. It took away all the fun. You know. No. And then he was trying to have- Marshall Fields probably still-

Every time he had sex at home, it was like, ah, I got to take my work home with me. Where's the stall? Yeah. I hate it. No, at Marshall Fields, I was like a secret shopper and marshall fields is an underground secret place it was for like men for since the 60s and then now when i worked there they would back in college they would say like on the hour you just need to check the bathrooms and one time i walked in and there were two men right in front of the urinals just going at it oh man like it was a united flight to tucson just going god bless them yeah

and then we we they ran out and one of them got tackled into the christmas trees it's a long story check out my episode of the crab feast if you want to hear that one okay jeez so i remember telling the people they were like i radio. I was like, we've got a situation. They're like, what's the code? Because they had codes for everything. And I just said, there's no code for what I just saw. That was the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life. All right.

In person. Okay, here we go. You've been hanging out with Greg Oden. He looked over to see who had come in. The officer heard what sounded like clothes. One of the men said, they decided to hook up on the top floor at the Capitol after meeting on the gay dating app Grindr. Great.

Yes. He admitted to the officer that they were having intercourse. So now they're like, look, I'm going to- At this point, let's just be honest. Here's what's going on. We were having inter- Fine. I hope he was like, we were making love, and the cop was like, don't call him making love.

Making love creeps everybody out. Not on a gay sense, just in life. In general. You ever look at somebody and be like, I'm going to make love to you. You can't make love. You will turn it off. To say you're making love. You can take love.

You can take love, but you can't make it. You can snake love. Off leash. Whatever you say, Jerry. He admitted to the officer they were having intercourse in the restroom stall, but later denied making such a statement. Neither man was charged because the officer did not witness any lewd or lascivious behavior so i love that i am now gonna say that this officer you know

an officer can do whatever he wants in that instance sure could say he saw something yeah you know what i mean he did see something and he said he didn't see anything yeah he'd have to write down what he saw maybe it was too much he saw i saw a penis and a buttock too much paperwork but these people who are like where imagine them on grinder because the whole i've never done like online dating but there's like the message via app then there's message via phone to phone i know there's meet up right there's only stages and they were like where do you want to do it? At the Capitol?

But I think if you said that to me, I would be like, you've done this before. Right. If that was your idea, it's not that special. Or I would think this is part of the thing.

We need to be having sex near government documents. I hope this is just trickle down social change in Florida. Yeah. That they're like, start at the top,

we just trickle down. Start at the 22nd floor, just trickle it all down from there. Yeah. Trickle down economics. I hope the cop also didn't give us a edition

because he was like, it's just love, man. Yeah, man. I get it. Neither was charged because the officer did not witness any behavior. According to the

whatever report, both of the men were escorted off the property and given trespass warnings, which means come back whenever. Yeah. So they got yes and several other state offices so they went ahead and said here's some other ones we don't want you going to as well but i'd say they got in they're part of the mile high club they did you know i doubt 22 floors is a mile high no that's 220 i think it really winds up being the story that the cop now can tell everybody that you know what i

mean you're gonna believe this you ain't going to believe this. I go in. You know where I like to wash my hands, right? But then his thing is, where do you like to wash your hands? In the toilet. You know that one toilet I like to wash my hands in? On 22? You talking about the one up on 22?

It's got the best flow. Cleanest toilet I've ever seen. Best flow. I'll even take a sip just to, if I want to just, and I won't drink it. I'll just swish it around and throw it out again. When I go into a bathroom and they don't have paper towels, a little part of me hates that establishment. I'm sorry.

I know that it's more effective to have the dryers, but I hate it. You like knowing that that's an option. Yeah, I hate it. Will you dry on an air dryer first and then get to the things you're using less? I'll do an air dryer, and then I have to do a shirt maneuver to open the door

because there's never a good way out. Yeah. There's no easy way out. There's no shortcut home. Want to do one more? Yeah. All right, we'll do it after this break. Let's do it.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Tell. We got Doug Benson with us, which is just a joy. Dan Van Kirk. I also want to mention to people, if you like this podcast, take a moment right now. You can pause it.

Write a little review. It can be two words. On iTunes. Okay, pause it now. Pause it now. Pause it. No, now. Two words. I love it. That's it. can be two words. On iTunes. Okay, pause it now. Pause it now. Pause it. No, now. Two words.

I love it. That's it. That's three words. Put love it all as one word and give it five stars. These things help us. You can just write Lyle love it. You write Lyle love it. Just write Lyle love it. That's all you need to do.

Five stars. Rate it. Review it. Or if you want to get really deep, someone leave a review. Just say dumb people town, population one one and then who's ever next say population two and just guys let's start this let's see how high can we get the population of dumb people town on itunes do it and give it five stars and we appreciate that okay here we go yep last one sent in by pedro corsega 1080 i think he's really into high def i have a pedro corsega rookie baseball you're a liar yeah no it's a mint condition p3 dro

which makes me think he's also a star wars fan p3d arrow i'm gonna ask you guys a question you have to answer these aren't the droids you're looking for. Ever thought of having a cream egg in your butt? No. Doug, you... Do I win for answering the fastest? Yes, you do. And also... Here's your cream egg! The squad is lose by not being able to answer yet. Well, my thought is to have my thought about that.

He's going to give it some consideration. I definitely have seen it and marveled at the size of it. I don't think they would... Wait, you've seen an egg in a butt? Is this an Easter story? No, I've seen a Cadbury creamed egg I don't think it can fit in my ass. I don't think that would fit.

That's probably a fair estimate. Yeah, I mean, like the smaller ones like the Hershey's, the tiny Hershey's ones that are still wrapped in a shiny wrapping, those could go up. Well, as it says here... Why doesn't Cadbury eggs make like a... Like an anal egg.

An anal egg. Because they'd melt. Wait, so when somebody says to you, has this ever happened to you, you have to think back, well, could it have happened? No, it said, have you ever thought about it? Oh, thought about it.

Your answer is no, it holds up. You did, the answer should have been no, but I'm going to think about it now. Now that you brought it up. Here we here we go now i literally have not been around easter candy very much but my kids like to hunt for eggs and so we've joined that did you do like a jewish easter egg hunt yes i've hid one last egg kids can you find it come on is it a fair is do the eggs get a head start when the kids are hunting for them? Yes, the eggs get a head start.

It's like Hunger Games. Yeah, no, and they love it. And I just tell them this is not an Easter egg hunt. This is an egg hunt. When the Jews were in Egypt, when they were in the desert wandering around before they got to Israel, they had to hunt for eggs full of candy. Kid chocolate eggs. That's what they did.

Well, they say here, Cadbury's cream eggs, delicious treats. Ever wondered how they taste from the other side? No. Okay, ooh, Randy wants that one for answering first there. Yeah, I was taking a drink. I know. Well, Crazy Man, Bruce Patterson. Is that his name?

BP. Crazy Man, Bruce Patterson. Wasn't there a guy named Baby Man Bruce Baum? Yep. Thank you. Comedian. Dressed like a baby. Did you ever work with him?

Yeah, he did a baby man bit. What was his bit? I had never seen the baby man bit. He'd just be in a diaper and just be a man. No, but he'd be a man. No. No, but he wouldn't be a baby. Wouldn't he just talk like a regular man but look like a baby?

But he was a baby man, yeah. You guys, in your 90s of doing... I feel like in the 90s, there were so many more comics who had like... Talking about the 80s, man. 80s, that they named themselves that weren't their name. Doug has a joke that we always made him do for years and years and years. It's about candy. Really?

It was the impression of a girl who's trapped inside a well who doesn't understand the gravity of her situation. Which is? I'm going to get some candy. It's a great joke! It's a great damn joke. Damn, damn, damn. I'll set that up seven days a week.

Seven days a week I'll set that up. Crazy man Bruce Patterson doesn't bother eating the sugary treats. He shoves them up his arse. So there was a time, you know about butt chugging beers. We did that story. That was one of the first counties. The tour de Franzia is another way to do it. I wonder if this has the same effect.

A sugar high? Well, what about edibles? Because they make edibles in chocolate. Taking an edible up the ass. Yeah, I haven't really heard about suppository edibles. Me either. Because, you know, there's that word edibles in there. Right.

Yeah. You can just eat it. And then in Wolf of Wall Street, doesn't he blow coke into that girl's butt? I think so. That's like the opening scene of Wolf of Wall Street. Is it? Yes. Do you call it Wolf of Wall Street? It's Wolf of Wall Street, dude. Wolf. Yeah. It's not Wolf. It of Wolf of Wall Street is it yeah wolf wall street wolf of Wall Street wolf yeah well it's wolf of all

call it wolf it's wolf it's wolf what's that a song hungry like a wolf yeah you guys have not seen wolf of wall street yeah wolf of wall street wolf w-o-o-f of w-a-w agree to disagree right no wolf of wall street i usually love when the person who's wrong is like agree to disagree like when they know they're well we agree to disagree no no that I don't agree to disagree. No, no, that actually, I need to win this argument. Well, crazy man Bruce Patterson doesn't bother, like I said. Patterson, 34, has held the unofficial world record of six anally inserted cream eggs since 2010. And as they say here on this next sentence, somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records

because it's been broken. Wait, how would you like to verify that? His anus has been broken or the records? The yolk has been broken. The yolk's on him. You know what? If you're going to stick some Cadbury eggs up your ass, you're going to break a few yolks. A few cream yolks are going to be broken. And then he

dances over the children. It's my mission in life to make people realize this is not that dangerous. Yeah, that's right. He's like Jerry Kimball. He's the Jerry Kimball of anal eggs. But on Good Friday, everything changed. He stepped things up, that's Bruce Patterson, breaking his own record by lodging more in

his rectal cavity. He must really enjoy it, they write here. I'm going to ask you guys. How many more? Let the games continue. Oh, shit. Let the games continue. The record was six?

The record was six. He has broken his own record. He's broken his own record. I'm going to start. Now, Doug, you're the guest. You can decide if you want to go first or last. How big are these? Are they a fist?

They're about like that. No, they're this. They're about like that. Like a quarter or a half dollar size. They're probably like two inches by an inch and a half circumference. They're like a golf ball. And there's a prize inside. Maybe two by two.

Like an oblong golf ball. Okay. Is it closest without going over? It's closest, period. Period. You can be over, you can be under. You are the guest. You can decide if you want to go first or last.

I'm going to go first. Okay, here you go. He went for 10 eggs. 10 eggs. 10 eggs. You can just see him be like... Doug took that so seriously. He went for 10 eggs. This is why Doug's movie is so great, because the games, we end up...

No, it gets real. Yes. Shit gets real. It is so real. Well, that's what you also said about the show, is that real stuff is happening. You are presiding over real cases. These aren't made up, so there is real stuff. And do your verdicts hold up in a court of law?

They all agree to it, right, Doug? Yeah, they have to agree to it ahead of time that whatever I say stands. Is the final, right. That's the decision. And then you come in six months afterwards and check it all out. You should do that.

I can't wait till you do follow-ups. I do follow-up visits. How are you guys doing? Listen, I was high when I made that decision. I can't wait till you do follow-up. I do follow-up visits. How are you guys doing? Listen, I was high when I made that decision. I feel very differently now. I hope it didn't ruin your lives. In the light of day, I see how wrong I was, but how funny it was. But how are you guys doing?

What is happening with you? Before we go to you guys' guesses, I like Doug's logic for 10, because you feel like Bruce Patterson really wants double digits. Also, he's like, I can't just break the record at 7. By the way, if you want a double digit, stick two fingers in your ass. Once you're sticking more in there, I think 3 seems like

a reasonable number. Don't they start melting though? I think they're wrapped. But they still are going to melt. They're going to melt in the wrapper. 98 degrees. No, I bet they're unwrapped because then you don't they will, you can break them down. Yeah. Your body, they'll just come out.

98 degrees. They'll melt and come out. Inside your body should be around 100 degrees. The band, 98 degrees? All right. I'm going to say. The cliché is just up there singing. I'm going to say 12.

I'm not trying to cut off what Doug had. You're trying to say he doubled it. I think doubling it was a goal of his. I think he had eight stuck in there. Eight? trying to say he doubled it. I think doubling it was a goal of his. I think he had eight stuck in there. Eight? Yeah, because he said sevens. Look, if we learn anything from Dick Van Patten, it's that

eight is enough. Thank you, Doug. I was going to say that Doug is not. Bruce Patterson stepped things up by lodging nine Cadbury eggs. Whoa! Split the diff.

Split the diff. There's a tie between you two. Split the diff. Wow. One and a half. What a fun game. The proud singleton beamed last night. This is Bruce Patterson's quote.

I'm having some difficulty sitting down, and I'll be shitting fondant for a week, but I know the record is secure for years to come. Didn't Winston Churchill say that famously? I think it is a quote. He then went on to say, I'm known as Chorley's, I think that's his hometown, I'm known as Chorley's eggs up the ass man,

and you can't buy an accolade like that. So what you're saying is, Chorley's, get people to call you that. And by the way, what's ironic is no amount of money can Charlie's can't get people to call you that. And by the way, what's ironic is, no amount of money can get people

to stop calling you that either. I want to go to that town and yell at this at him all the time. So what you're saying is, Charlie's isn't that creative with their nickname.

Oh, man. No, Charlie's eggs up the ass, man. There's that eggs up the ass, man. There he is. From where? From Charlie's. Oh. That's the Charlie's Eggs Up the Ass Man. There's that Eggs Up the Ass Man. There he is. From where? From Charlie's.

Oh. That's the Charlie's Eggs Up the Ass Man, not to be confused. Those are our stories. He's got an E and a U and a T and an A on his chest. I mean, what does he do next year? That's my question. I feel like he's going to have to stuff a whole chocolate cake up there. Chocolate Twizzlers?

Or he'll just go for more eggs. At what point do you damage your, like, what is the next three shits of his look like? He's got the best smelling bathroom in town. It's so sweet. You know what? This bathroom smells like Easter. Right. Just a little bit like Easter.

And like Easter, he's going to have to rise from the dead three days later. It takes him three days to actually rise from the dead. He said he can't sit down for three days. Final score, one and a half Randy, half Doug. Zero me. I know. That's all right. I can live with it.

I didn't know we were keeping track of points. Well, we're really not. I've never done that before. It's just because of the split. I did. I went for it today. It's some people town. There are no rules.

There are no rules. There ain't be rules. There ain't be no rules in here. No. All right. Before we get out of here, we got a voicemail. Listen, we just talked about eggs being jammed up someone's ass. We talked about snakes, unleashed snakes in South Dakota in parks.

And two guys having sex at the top of the Capitol. In Wisconsin. Or in Tallahassee. In Tallahassee. And not getting busted for it. Right. What is more American than all of that?

No, that is the most American. I mean, if you try and get more American, I don't know what. And so we actually got a voicemail from the great Ira Glass. Who purports to report on this American life. But I think we might have peeled back a layer that he hasn't seen. Anyway, take a listen. Hey, everybody.

It's Ira. On today's Dumb People Town, we talked about what are you into? What are your things? What do you like to do? Maybe it's a little bit different. Maybe it's something specific to you. Are you into snakes?

Maybe you're into having sex in weird places. It could be you like to stick things up your ass. I would like to say that on today's episode, we have an edited version. If you do not like to hear dirty words, you can find that over on our dumbpeopletown.com website. But that's what we're going to talk about today. Who are you into? Where are you doing it? And where do you put it?

From W-F-E-R-A-L, Farrell, and This American Life, it's Dumb People Town. I'm Ira Glass. Thanks for staying with us. He introed. I know. That's what a weird message to leave for somebody. At the end of a show. Just wrapping up a show.

But almost with an intro type, like we were heading into the show. I know. Or maybe that's the only way he can do it. That's how he communicates. That's really interesting. I wonder if he does that with all of his voicemail messages. He gives a voicemail message like, here's what we're going to talk about today. In our voicemail today.

Are we going to dinner? I love it. I love it. Well, there you go. That's a show. It's a show. Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you guys in Kansas City.

Thanks for coming to Dumb People Town. Thanks for coming to Dumb People Town. Doug Benson, great to have you, sir. Doug People Town. Yeah. Yeah. Change it for this episode. See how we did it.

Doug People Town. And we will talk to you guys next week when we will have our live episode all the way from the Moon Terror Comedy Festival check it out enjoy it Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb