Dumb People Town - Doug Benson - Throwing The Bucket

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

This week Doug Benson comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a pizza place refusing service. The second story is all about a bucket of pee. The final story is about a very helpful thief.

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Benson. Doug Benson. Doug People Town. Doug People Town. Doug People Town. Hi Doug. I'll do a spin off Doug People Town. Doug People Town. That's sort of a wide world of Doug's is, which is a show you fellas need to come participate in at some point. Yeah, we're doing it. We talk to people about their name and how they think it affected their life. Because, of course, it gets chosen before we're really any kind of personality.

I have a great name. I'm saying screw up and Randy is not my name. We'll talk about it on the show. That's what I'm saying. Yes. Everybody's got stories about their own name. And then the listeners are like, I have that name, or I have that story. Right, right.

Yes. Great idea. So it's a fun conversation. Dan, of course, has done it. Oh, yeah, Dan's name. Of course. Yeah. I love it.

Well, listen, that's actually a very smart analysis of something as simple as a name. On this show, we talk about the stupidity in the world. You know that, Doug. Yes. The world's getting even dumber since the last time you were on this show. On this show, we talk about the stupidity in the world. You know that, Doug. Yes. The world's getting even dumber since the last time you were on this show. I think so, yeah.

Right? Even if I was on 10 minutes ago. It's still getting dumber. It's getting dumber and I'm getting higher. Right. The only person in the world who doesn't believe that. Those two are inversely proportional. As it gets down, you go up.

Yeah. I was going to say, the only person who doesn't believe it's getting dumber is Todd Glass, who eventually we will have on this show again. Sure. He is the only one who says that. He was contrarian for his Todd Glassian reasons.

But he also made a good point. He did. Yeah. He did. He's like, it's very dumb, but it's also, sadly, the best time to live. Right. We're in the best time in terms of tolerance. Yeah.

Well, that's changing quickly as well. That is quickly changing. He makes good points with the most words. Yeah, that's right. It's a well-put statement. All right, you guys want to do a story? Let's do a story well. That is quickly changing. He makes good points with the most words. Yeah, that's right. It's a well-put statement. All right, you guys want to do a story? Let's do a story. We got Doug Benson here.

This was sent in by Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen. I love her. You can send me stories. You can contribute to Dumb People Town. Be a contributing townsy. Townsy? Town member? Towner?

A towner? Don't be a towner. Don't be a towner. Yeah, be a townie. Debbie Towner. There you go. Atie. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie Towner. There you go. At Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag dumb people town. Town boat.

No, this is a town ship. Pizza restaurant turns woman away. In this economy? I know. A diner says she was left feeling, quote, humiliated and frustrated. Of course. After being turned away from a restaurant all because she was alone. Wow.

So they were like, you've had enough? Yeah. You couldn't possibly handle one of our pizzas? Imagine what that would be like for comics on the road. It would be like, what? No singles. You're upsetting the other customers. Right.

We don't do slices. We don't do slices. The hungry head teacher decided to treat herself to a pizza dinner after a quote long day at work but she says she was stunned when bouncers at the Manchester eatery refused to let her in. If you are eating pizza Doug at a place

that has bouncers you've made a mistake. Yeah that's just a bar. She's from a hungry head or that's just a bar. Right? She's from Hungry Head or that's what you were calling her? Are they referring to her as a Hungry Head or being from some place called Hungry Head?

She's a head teacher. The Hungry Head Teacher. Oh, she was hungry. And she is a head teacher. She is a head teacher. But I like the hungry head. I thought you were saying she's from Hungry Head.

It's right near Hilton Head. It's Hungry Head then Hilton Head. It's a lesser known head over there. In South Carolina. And you know what? Those kids are difficult in Hungry Head. For her to be a teacher in Hungry Head is a challenge. You gotta go treat yourself after a day with the Hungry Head kids. So after a a teacher in Hungry Head is a challenge. Go treat yourself after a day

with the Hungry Head kids. So after a long day at work, the Manchester eatery refused to let her in. Having paid almost $5 to park nearby, the woman

walked to Ramona in Ann Coates? I don't know. I've never been. What does that mean? Is the place called Ramona? This is sometimes is the whole town Dan, we can't figure out I don't know. I've never been. What does that mean? Is the place called?

Ramona. This is sometimes. Is the whole town? Dan, we can't figure out if she lives in Hungry Head or if she is a Hungry Head. She walked to Ramona in Ann Coates. The thing with London, you don't know if that's the full name of the town. No, Ramona is probably the restaurant. Ruth's Chris. Don't even get these two started.

Ramona's in, you know what I mean? It's just like they had too much to say in one city title, so they said, F it in the B, let's do this. Dan, do you know that Ruth's Chris, so someone tried to use my credit card number yesterday to spend $436 at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, and I was so upset and i called my credit card company and then i had to fight myself back from doing the bit to your credit

card a bit about like ruth's chris it's like it's ruth own chris just call it chris's steakhouse formerly ruth's chris ruth's steakhouse that was owned by chris it's just a weird it's an unnecessary mouth it should be chris Steakhouse presented by Ruth. Your mouthful should be of steak. Did you get to see and itemize what it was that they spent that much money on? I didn't. If it's not a lot of booze, what the hell kind of meal? What kind of like, it's overeating when you just order just a regular six ounce filet or whatever.

Four tri-tips. That's a lot. Yeah. You know? Like, it's all kind of, it should be all sharing portions at that kind of place. Right, thank you. Damn. Okay, I figured it out.

Yes. The place is called Ramona. Okay. Uh-huh. They make Detroit pizza. Of course. In Manchester. Great.

So square, the thick, square jets. Right. How many people in Manchester were like, you know what we need? A Detroit-style pizza in Manchester. They have live performances there. We can all do a show there. Do you want to guess their rating based off of 744 reviews on Google? Is it better than the city of Detroit?

Is that a lot of reviews? I'd say that's a decent... You're established, right? 744 is pretty good. Maybe you get that many because of the hate. Sure. It's out of five. Dan, it's out of five stars. It's out of five stars.

What do you think, Doug? 744, average. Oh, you know. I feel like it's getting a lot of talk because people are arguing with each other. It has kind of a mixed reception. There's the pizza, too. You can give a game.

It looks good. The pizza looks good. It looks good. They're turning people away. They don't need everyone's business. I'm not going to let it affect my judgment here. And I'm going to stick with 2.5. 2.5?

Come on. Jay? I'm going to say 4.2. 4.2, okay. They feel they're sowing their oats. 4.05. Okay. Their score is 4.4 out of 5.

There he goes, Jay. They have the confidence to turn a hungry head woman away. You looked at it and thought it looked good. I did. What's their score on rotten tomato sauce? Right. There you go. It's at Sklar Brothers.

At Sklar Brothers. Okay, so Ramona is in Ann Coates in Manchester. But to her shock, she claims she was told she was not allowed in as she was told the restaurant operates on a, quote, no singles policy. What? Despite having eaten there alone before. How are you supposed to meet people at a bar? A bar is a place like that. She's all singles.

She told the Manchester Evening News, a bouncer asked me if I was meeting a party inside. Manchester Evening News is like, I can't believe we're leading with this story. Oh, this is right. Do restaurants have bouncers? Yeah. That's what I was saying.

You're at a bar. Pizza place is like, yeah, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm still on a Zoom call. I'm still phoning it in. No, you're not. You're here.

I want to see the evening news. COVID ravages a nation. War all over the earth. Hungry head teacher. But first, woman denied access. A bouncer asked if she was meeting a party inside, and I replied, no, just me. I was told, in that case, I wasn't allowed in. I genuinely thought they were joking.

They weren't. I asked why, as I have dined alone in restaurants many times before and have never been turned away because of that. They said it's because they have a bar inside. I was still confused and baffled. A bar is the place to meet singles. They're accusing her of being a lady of the evening, I believe. I didn't think about that term. She goes, I am a head teacher.

See, again, it's a common mistake. When someone calls themselves a head teacher, people make a jump to conclusions. They still have these all-day issues. They jump to conclusions about getting paid to do something. I am a head teacher. Not that it really matters, but I had to work, so was reasonably well-dressed. I wasn't drunk, and I just wanted to buy tea. Yes, looking hot for her students. Hot for head teacher.

My favorite Van Halen song. Yes, you can't teach it without living it. You can't teach it without living it. They said if they let me in, they'd have to let single men in too because that would be discriminatory. First of all, no, you don't. No, you don't. Bars and clubs, since the history of bars and clubs have proven anything, you can leave all the guys outside. So now I want to play a game because I think Doug will be great. I have my answer.

Okay. Doug, you are the bouncer. Okay. And a man walks up after you've let this woman in. A single man walks up. Sure. How do you turn him away? What do you say to him to be like, you can't get in here as a single man?

Are your friends inside? No, they're not. Okay. You probably should go where they are. I would have said we already have enough sausage on the pizza. There you go. Get out. Out.

That's a good one. Oh, my God, yes. That's a good one. I mean. Every dude out with that one. I mean, whoever orders just the cucumber. You got to bring something else with this meal. Yeah, that's right.

We need the tomato sauce. They've had an issue at this bar with single guys wanting to bomb the place. Single men trying to lodge discrimination complaints against the bar because they won't allow them in. If I let you in, I have to let in single men. What is this guy? That is not true at all. None of this is true. And yes, if I let you, it should be a one-for-one in.

Every single woman I let in, I should let in a single man. This pizza place is like Studio 54. I hope we make a connection. Right. Door got too much power. They were trying to cut down on, they don't want to be sued in meet-up situations. That's right. Gone awry.

Dan, I could see them saying, look, you can come in, but because we're so busy, you can't take a table because that's for two or more people. You've got to eat at the bar. Tables are for two. Go eat out in the parking lot like a filthy slob. Like an animal. Like a dumb animal. Like a piece of garbage. Like the single animal that you are.

That you are because you can't even think about procreating because you're just here by yourself eating pizza. If you thought less about teaching head, maybe you'd have a partner at this point. Here we go. Apparently, they have a no singles policy. I walked away feeling humiliated, angry, and frustrated, not to mention hungry. Head teacher. Bosses of the eatery told the outlet they do not have such a policy and are looking into the allegation. Andrew Marshall, operations and people director said that's made up operations and people wait so now you're talking

like a rogue bouncer decided to send her away that's what they're trying that's what they're saying like we like you can hear this guy saying we hire a third party service to do our bouncing at the door right why but why wouldn't they straight up say that was bad, that somebody got sent away for that? Instead of being like, well, we don't know what you're talking about. He said, quote, it's not Ramona's policy to not welcome in single men and women. So it is. Double negative. So it is.

Right. So it is their policy. He's like, gotcha. We are currently looking into the allegation and can't comment on individual cases. I'm with you. Why can't you just go, that's what happened? Yeah, we don't. Yeah, that's bouncers.

That's messed up. That guy will be fired. We'll talk to him. Yeah. She's not. You're welcome anytime. You know what? Free pizza.

Coming right now. Coming right now. We already had our eye on him. Yeah. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. This is strike number three. That's right. Also, come on in. Have a pizza or a to our attention. This is strike number three. Also, come on in, have a pizza or a half pizza, you'll probably be alone.

I know you won't be with anyone. We do allow you to take food home because we understand that you will only eat for one. May we suggest just a personal pan pizza because that's smaller for people who are alone and not in relationships. You can get so many digs in.

She should be warned. Do not try going to Chuck E. Cheese because you'll have a similar issue unless you bring some children. That's right. Why don't you go where your kids are then? There's nowhere for a lonely, childless person to eat pizza these days, which is probably the number one demographic that enjoys pizza. Wait, wait. But if an adult came to Chuck E. Cheese and said,

I want to come in and enjoy Chuck E. Cheese right now. You do not let that person in. I think people would not be as mad if they were like, look, that doesn't feel comfortable to me. Everyone would be a little weirded out. It's like, you know, didn't they? They probably did that on an episode of The Office, I'm guessing. I'm guessing.

I'm sure that Michael acted inappropriately in a Chuck E. Cheese. But, yeah, it seems. Dave and Buster's. It seems like, you know, some people just like the pizza. I go for the tunes. I go for the tunes. Sometimes I like the band. The freaking band is so good. It's so good.

And then they have solo rooms, you know, where there are different characters doing their thing. And if you tip the robots and nobody's looking. No, don't do that, sir. Yeah, it's just champagne room shit I'm tired of. Put your hand out of the animatronics. Let's drum a little bit on your guitars. Oh, yeah. They'll pluck the right notes.

Sometimes I like to just climb up into the human habit trail and think oh well that is yeah that place is a really sacred spot the woman says she's still in disbelief and hasn't received an apology for the reported incident i agree they shouldn't discriminate between men and women but i have no idea why a single man would be a threat or danger, which I go, well, that's... I can't see just one... I don't want to be a man chiming in on why she's wrong with her assessment. Yeah, I don't want to... I agree it shouldn't discriminate.

I can't see one good reason why I was treated like this. There was no apology or empathy, just an attitude. That's right. Which I hope Ramona's then makes their slogan. Ramona's Pizza, just an attitude.

All right, that's story number one, friends. Wow. I hope this woman gets a whole slice. Number one in the books. In the books. In the books.

Now we come back, we'll talk about what Doug Benson has going on, including all the podcasts and where you can see him live and all that stuff. And big news and good stuff that's going on with us. We'll let you know. It's on the other side of the break.

Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to DPT. That stands for Dumb People Town. You've tuned in to the right podcast on your podcast radio dial. Oh, is that some sort of home test no radio dial you've turned it pregnancy test like dumb pregnancy test uh no you're with us and we appreciate you it's the only uh male pregnancy test that's our pregnancy uh

we if look if if you've been supporting us and following us for years uh or even just a short period of time you know that randy and i probably the longest running TV show we've ever done was Cheap Seats. Of which Doug Benson was on it. He was in the world's wrongest man. Great sketch. Which is, yeah, and it's perfect casting for a sports show. That's right. For you.

To have a guy who doesn't know anything about it. But here's the thing. Our last sports show was a comedy show first. So comedy fans loved it, even if they didn't like the sport or didn't understand the sport. And I'm going to say the same thing applies to our next, our finally rebooting of this show, which is

a new show that we have called The Nosebleeds. It comes out on July 30th. The first episode will be dropped on UFC's YouTube page and then the rest of the episodes will be on Fight Pass from UFC. This is something Dan wrote on it. We are so proud of it.

You don't need to like MMA to think it's funny that somebody looks like a steroided Ian Carmel. Or someone. What was that guy's name? Dan? Oh, yeah. The dude, the all-American guy from Pride who fought the other dude. He just looked like Don Fry.

Don Fry. He looked like a buff Freddie Mercury. But, I mean, the point is, there's a lot of great comedy in these shows and great sketches, which include Jon Hamm and Rob Corddry and Andy Richter and Tony Hale. Lots of good stuff.

So, again, first episode drops for free on July 30th on YouTube. If we can drum up our fans, you guys specifically, to get out there, watch this show on YouTube, give it some positive comments and feedback, it's the kind of thing that can propel this show a chance for us to do more.

Sure. So we are asking you, we're calling upon our townies to be our army of support, and we really, we're proud of it. We think it'll be a gift for you, too, because we think the shows are super funny. That's what we got going on. Hell yeah. Daniel. Go to danielvankirk.com.

I'm doing a charity event in central Wisconsin. You can find out all the details there. That is on Saturday, August 13th. And then I will be in Tulsa, Oklahoma for the Blue Whale Comedy Festival. And hopefully by the time this drops I'll already have dates up for Fayetteville, Oklahoma City, and Dallas. If they're not

up, I'll be booking them soon. And then in September, I am in Honolulu headlining on the 8th, 9th, and 10th. Everything is at DanielVanKirk.com. Unless, I don't have the link yet. So if you look, just give me a minute. Doug Benson, how can people find and watch and support and listen to all the things that you do? However they do it, just give Dan a minute to get the link. Thank you, Doug. Just give him a minute minute to get the link. Thank you, Doug.

Just give him a minute. Thank you. Why are you in his face without the damn link? The link is coming. Save the date. Make a note to yourself. You already know what you're doing. This is when it's going to be.

Then punch that link. Squash that link, yo. Get that ticket fast, though. Doug, you're getting your live shows back. It's true. I know. That's what I was going to lead with. When we're recording this, you just did one with Guy and Jonathan Hamm. Guy Branham and Hamm and Sam Levine.

I love it. Padgett Brewster was there as well. I love her. That's at the Dynasty. Is that like a bit of a residency you're doing? Dustin Ibarra. It's turned into a residency, I believe, because on the second outing, we filled the place. Oh, great. And, you know, it's not huge,

but it's nice. It's a fun place. Nice size. Yeah. It's a nice size to fill that thing. So it looks like I'll be doing it monthly there, so check Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles, their site, or douglosmovies.com for own. We're talking about the Douglas Movies podcast.

Great. Which is old. One of the about the Douglas Movies podcast. Great. Which is old. One of the best. One of our favorites. Old but amazing. Been around for a minute or three. They keep making movies so you can keep doing it. It never stops with the movies. They don't stop with the movies.

It does not end. The amount of people still doing shows on tour where they come up and be like, the love they have for that podcast. And then when we would do the Wahlberg stuff and people loved that. We've done it on the road. We've watched it live. Comedy on State, we all did it together. Comedy on State, we did it together.

I believe in Tempe, Arizona. Tempe, Arizona. We probably did it all together. That's right. We've done it on the road a bunch of times. It was fantastic. We love it. Yeah, it's super fun to do.

And everybody, like, that was like immediately the text afterwards, like I got a text from Jon Hamm, like, I forgot how much fun that show was to do. Yeah, it just is. Yeah, people enjoy doing it. So that's how I can keep getting the good guests. I love it. I love it.

And it's a great show. And the fun comes through. DouglasMovies.com. Excuse me, I'm allergic to sincerity. I didn't mean to get to you. But, yeah, so now that we're back up and running here in town, I mean, the Zoom shows are fun, too, and we still do those. But I'd love to have all three of you.

In fact, Dan, I've been volleying back and forth. You ever have a guest you want to get, and they're perfectly into doing the show, but their life is in the way. I had to text Doug. I go, don't give up on me. Don't give up? Do not give up.

And I'm like, no matter where you are on the road, I will find you. I'll find you and we'll come. Doug, you write back. It's been six years, Daniel. I'm obviously not giving up on you. No, it's over. It's never over.

You can't ask about seven dates I've going notebook style. It's never over, Doug. Seven dates I've given you. Seven dates for seven brothers. We've booked him for in October. I know. I hope it's going to work. Yeah. It should.

I hope it works out. I'm dead serious. I think it's going to. It depends on what happens with the Cubs. No. Just two or three. Not this year. Not this year.

Do you remember that? I used to make Doug go down the road, and he would go with me. He'd be like, I don't care about this at all, but I'll come watch you. And we watched the Cubs win the pennant together in Austin. With someone that could not have cared less. We were in Austin. Well, I always care when it's, you know, when the drama is there. Do you remember what you said to me?

People are excited in a room. Do you remember what you said to me when I said I was going to cry? I said, let her rip. I go, hey, if they win this, don't make fun of me for crying. And you go, just as long as when we go to a musical, you don't make fun of me for crying. I go, deal. And I go, deal.

Although I'd be crying at both of them. I will tell you, Dan, I have cried when watching Michigan win whatever they win. When they beat Ohio State, I cried. Whatever, whenever. Last year, when they beat Ohio State, I started crying. Whatever, whatever. Last year, when they beat Ohio State, I cried. And the other day, driving home, just listening to the In the Heights soundtrack, started crying.

Wow. Get into it, baby. At the end, look, he made the choice. He said, I'm staying. I'm staying. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert.

The Broadway recording or the movie? The movie recording, but yes, the movie recording. So it's the official soundtrack of the movie. Love it. All right, ready for a second story? Let's do a second story. Sent in by Derek Shipley, at Derek Shipley, R-I-C-K in that Rick. I ship all my stuff with Shipley.

Headline, victim doused with urine due to pooping chicken. Wow. That's an all-timer for you, Doug. Due to pooping chicken. Victim doused with urine due to pooping chicken. Wow. That's an all-timer for you, Doug. Due to pooping chicken. Victim doused with urine due to pooping chicken. Did you bring your pooping chicken to a urine fight or vice versa? Or someone got pooped on by a chicken. They're like, get Donald Trump.

And then he starts. No, I just like when a headline goes from A to Z in one sentence. How do we get from. And they think that you're just going to be like, oh, of course. It's like, what's the first part again? Victim doused with urine. Due to. Due to.

And then what? They tell you the ending right away. I mean, there could be a lot. Right there in the headline. Right. Due to sleeping under a urinal. Victim doused with urine. Long story short, due to poop.

Right. It's a memento. You start at the beginning and the end, and then the film finishes in the middle. Viccom doused by urine because he spent too much time at the Port Authority. That would be the end of that statement. Or he got bit by a jellyfish. Not bit, but stung

by a jellyfish. All the beach goers peed on him. We're still clicking on this. Even though we know better. We already have the whole story. It's like Better Call Saul. We know what the end of the story is. We already have the whole story. It's like Better Call Saul. We know where it's going to end up. It's just how joy you're getting.

I have such mixed feelings about that. I know. Okay. Angered that a neighbor's chicken had been, quote, pooping on the back patio, a Florida woman, of course, allegedly retrieved,ved quote a bucket of pee from her bathroom i'm gonna say it and you guys can get mad at me but she is a cock-a-doodle douche any emoticon you want what is what kind of responsible journalist would let the poop part be in the headline you haven't even gotten to the poop.

It would be an actual twist. Sure. Yes. Why? What caused this? I mean the urine, the tossing of the urine. The tossing of the urine. By the way. So far it's all poop and no piss.

It's all poop and no urine. So she retrieved a bucket of urine from her bathroom. You know how you just have a bucket of urine lying around in your bathroom. A bucket of pee from her bathroom is a quote in this article. Why would they start with number two when they really are trying to get to number one? Doug's not even giving me anything. Yes, he is. He loves it on the inside.

I keep it inside my heart. He keeps it tight. He saves that emotion for the musicals. It's where all my emotions go. Okay. Retrieves a bucket of pee from her bathroom and proceeded to douse the bird's owner with the foul liquid. Pun intended, I guess. Oh, my God.

This is like a prison fight. According to an arrest report. Yeah, but if somebody's coming at you with a bucket of anything. You run. Move. Run. Don't be like, what are you doing with that? Don't.

Unless you're at a Globetrotters game and you know it's going to be a bucket of confetti. But the next time she comes with yellow confetti, it is going to be hilarious. It will be. It will be. Police busted Christine Turman. Turman. Turman. Turman.

She was determined to throw it. Okay. Battery charge following a confrontation late Sunday evening at the Palm Haven Mobile Home Park in St. Petersburg. Palm Haven Mobile. I thought this. Petersburg. Palm Haven Mobile. I thought this was just on a golf course, really. Cops say Turman was mad at the victim, Lawrence Stencil. Larry Stencil. Oh, no.

Oh, Lawrence, come on. I mean, can anyone make a sketch of this guy? Do we have to draw a picture for you, Lawrence? We brought in a sketch. Larry Stencil. Cops say Turman was mad at Larry Stencil due to his, quote, chicken pooping on the back patio. So what's your only logical answer?

So Turman went inside, got a bucket of pee from her bathroom. Which was just sitting in her bathroom. Walked out onto the back patio and threw a full bucket of pee at Larry. So she's like, did you know she was saving it up? Hey, she's in a if it's yellow, let it mellow household. Yep, definitely. I'm looking right at her. And she's saving the environment.

You guys are laughing. But by waiting until you take one of those big healthy dumps. This woman has what can only be described as like a cold sore on her upper lip. Right. She looks like Pete Rose then and now. She looks like if Pete Rose was Marge Schott. I feel like she puts her hand in her hair a lot and goes, I just let it do its thing. I don't really need to wash it.

When they see her coming, people at Target say, here comes Charlie Hassel. That's a great joke. I'll do a goddamn sports joke. I don't give a shit. This isn't a sports show, but that's a great joke. I'm do a goddamn sports joke. I don't give a shit. This isn't a sports show, but that's a great joke. I'm saying, just to impress you guys. It's so good.

It's a great joke. It feels like Charlie Theron in Monster. You let that chicken poop on that patio one more time, Larry. What are you going to do? I'll get the bucket. What are you going to do? I'll get the bucket. Bucket or what?

I'll get the bucket. I'm going to stand here and see what's in that bucket. But you can't fill a full bucket in one urinate. So that is me sitting there for a long time. Randy, you're assuming that it's to the rim. It is a real scooper of a bucket. I don't know how she gets it from the bowl to the bucket. You just, every person listening to this has peed thousands of times in their lives.

And you just told all of them, hey guys, just so you know, you can't fill a bucket with one pee. You can't! No kidding! You're hoarding pee. You have an emotional attachment to the pee. She's like, if he lets this chicken poop on the thing, I'm going to build up my

bucket of pee. Don't you look at that photo, don't you think she just, at the end, she goes, you get it? You get it? You get it? You got it? We're good? Okay. I can just see her sloshing around with it, like getting it from one spot to another. I don't know.

It's going to be. Dropping out on the side. You're going to have loose pee everywhere. The bucket struck stencil in the face. She threw the whole bucket at him. The whole bucket. By the way, that's not how you throw. She just threw everything.

Yeah, she's not trying to. You don't throw the bucket out with the pee water. She's almost like saying the pee is just incidental. That's right. You know, like I'm hitting you with a bucket. Yeah, yeah. And there might pee might fall out of it. I threw a bucket at him.

I didn't realize there was pee in it. I didn't know what was in it. Oh, because it's less of a charge with a bucket than it is with urine? I don't know. I love that you asked me. Because urine probably is a bucket at him. I didn't realize there was pee in it. I didn't know what was in it. Oh, because it's less of a charge with a bucket than it is with urine? I don't know. I love that you asked me. Because urine probably is a more severe charge. It is. Because of the faculties within it that can cause harm.

So if a bucket is- And it says premeditation. Premeditation. There's intent. I would have- He dragged poison, peed, and then threw the pee on it. What happens then? Arsenic pee.

Oh, you're in a roundabout then. You're in an old-fashioned roundabout. Yeah, a little arsenic and old pee. Love that show. Don't blame me if I cry at that. That's what we call an El Salvadorian standoff. The bucket struck Larry Stensel in the face, causing him pain. That's in quotes.

Noted a sheriff's deputy who added, the victim was wet when we arrived and smelled of urine. Oh, my God. The arrest report does not indicate why Turman, this is what you've been saying since the beginning, Rand. The arrest report does not indicate why Christine Turman had a bucket of waste at the ready. It's called a grudge. She's building it up.

It's called a grudge. You probably had that for a different grudge. So now she's got to restart her grudge bucket. And what if it was just, what if the guy was just, what if he was a urine drinker? Yes. Oh, he's like, thank God. And so the officer was just catching him with urine on his breath. Sure.

Blow into this thing. Let's see how much urine you got inside of you. Stick on the collar. Urine on your breath. That could have been the reason they broke up is because he was requesting too much urine. Maybe that's why she was storing it up because she was like, oh, he wants urine, I'll give him urine.

Or the neighbor knows that Larry Stencil's wife, he likes it when she pees on him and so she comes home and she's like, I'm smelling this, this is not my pee. I know that's not my pee. Who are you letting pee on?

In the neighborhood, they call that house Splash Mountain. Which is also being changed for a whole new theme. Yeah, now they're changing it because that's from the past. From the past, you could belittle people for how much they pee on each other. By the way, in the court, when you get all the charges against you, they call that throwing the book at you. This is literally throwing the book at you. Turman reportedly, quote, admitted to her actions,

you got me, you got the term. All right. The Terminator. What if I killed him and he kicked the bucket with his face? Well, this was on his bucket list, so to have a whole bucket of pee thrown on him. She admitted to her actions after being read her rights by Deputy Levi Blake. Turman was booked into the county jail, from which she was released yesterday after posting a $500 bond.

That's it? Another little wrinkle. Turman's boyfriend, Kevin Avery. I don't know if I know. No relation. No relation to our friend. Or the Averys of Wisconsin Manitowoc, if you're nasty. Turman's boyfriend, Kevin Avery, was also arrested for allegedly threatening Larry Stencil in the presence of police.

Let it go. You already piss-covered the guy. The cops get there, and then you start threatening him. In the presence of police? Yes. Shut up. You know what I'm going to do to you? All right.

Police are here. Police are here. Police are here. Right there. Okay. We'll get out of here on this story. Number two. I would love it if the chicken continued to shit on the porch. Sure.

The whole time. The whole time something was going on. How old is Christine Turman? I let you even have a look at her. Oh, I got to guess that. Friends of our Instagram and Facebook. The age of? That makes it even harder to see the picture.

How old do you think she is? First of all, what do you think her pronouns are? I just guessed one accidentally. I think it's us. All of us. How old is she? She is 53. 53 years old.

That's my guess. That's my guess. Not that old. Say she's like 58. 58? She's 44. 44? Oh, nice.

A hard 44. Nice. I hope she doesn't listen. Hard fours. Lady doesn't like to hear that. I bet she doesn't listen. Hard fours. Lady doesn't like to hear that. I bet she called him chicken shit. One of you is only one year off. So you all get to go up a year or down a year.

What do you want to go? You can go 52 or 54. I'll go 54. Are you kidding me? I'll go 57. Okay. And I'll go 45. Christine, the urinator terminator, is 57 years old.

Oh, nice. Boom. In which case, I say she looks good. She looks good. 57. Yeah, not so bad, I guess. For being three years away from dying, she looks great. For being three years away from dying, for being someone's great-grandmother.

Great-great. Great-great-grandmother. She looks good. All right. That's story number two, friends. Wow. Story two. Dan, give us a littlegreat-grandmother. She looks good. Alright, that's story number two, friends. Wow, story two. Dan, give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear. It's a short one, but it's about a courteous thief. Courteous

thief, I love it, and Doug Benson is here. We'll talk about a dumb story with him on our Patreon. Something dumb that he did for our Patreon fans, so you don't want to miss that. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make a sound. For more Dumb People Town. want to miss that it's dumb people town don't go anywhere stick around make it sound for more all right daniel take us okay ready short little story but odd and fun lawnmower thief gives back

this was sent in by adam freeze fries at adam fries that's a headline i mean i probably wouldn't read the article but it it still gives back what? To the community. Does he mow everyone's lawn? How does one get into the lawnmower thief game? Right. And when do you decide you're out? Is the lawnmower thief the American version of the bicycle thief?

No, it's the sequel to the lawnmower man. Port Arthur. No, it's bird thief probably. Who's the third star in Lawnmower Man. Port Arthur. No, it's Bird Thief, probably. Who's the third star in The Lawnmower Man? Doug? Wow. Wait, who's number one? We got Pierce Brosnan.

Is he number one? Is he in there? Hold on. Is Anthony, what's his name, Robbins? Nick Cage? Who's the lead? He's a guy with the beautiful blue eyes. And blonde hair.

Yeah. It's not Kiefer. That was like one of his biggest movie roles. He's usually like a villain. Pierce Brosnan, for sure. Who is it? What's that guy's name? Okay, so Paul F. Tompkins had an amazing bit of running into this guy at Tower Records.

Right, of course. Do you remember his name? I don't. Do you remember who it is? That's who we're talking about. Yes, I know exactly who you're talking about? It's a great bit about when Paul worked at, this is so fun. We're doing like a mini Doug Loves Movie.

His name's like Flane Blunmar. No. Flane, Flune. What is it? Jeff Fahey. Jeff Fahey. Jeff Fahey. Remember him?

But yeah, he's like in Tombstone with a crazy mustache. And yeah, and was a villain quite often. Yeah, Brasen was in it. And then who's the lady part? The female lead, who? Who played the lady? Terry Hatcher. No.

Oh, that's a great cast from that time frame. Yes, from that time frame. Who? Naomi Judd? Not Julianne Moore, was it? No, Jenny Wright. Who's Jenny Wright? Probably like Robin Wright's sister, maybe.

Who was she? I don't know. One more, man. She was in a bunch of stuff. All right, Dan. Are you ready? How did she get back? Another real big break for all of them. It didn't work out.

That we can't remember. But there was a lot of marketing behind that movie. Oh, my God. It was a big release. I mean, lawnmower sales skyrocketed. Skyrocketed. Speaking of, poor Arthur. People stayed home from the movie to mow their lawns.

Port Arthur police... Which was a bad consequence. ...was a horrible marketing strategy. Yes, because only they had afternoon showings. That was a bad call on their part. Port Arthur police are seeking information on the whereabouts of Marcus Hubbard, who police say was a suspect in the burglary of a Port Arthur home. Security footage released by PAPD appears to show a suspect identified by police as Hubbard stealing a lawnmower from the home.

But in the footage, the suspect is seen entering the property, grabbing a lawnmower, filling it with gasoline, and then mowing the front and back yards of the home before leaving with the property mower. Oh, so still stole it. Still stole the mower. I'll give you a free. Gas is expensive. That's right. I'll give you a free, gas is expensive, I'll give you a free mowing of your lawn.

You won't need this for a while. That's right. Look at the guy. You're going to be mad in two weeks. Winter's coming. This is him in the front yard. Okay. Oh, it's a walking mower. It's a walking, it's not even a riding mower. If you drive by and somebody in the middle of the night is mowing, look, he stops, fixes the fence. Isn't this an REM song? Yeah, no. He really is committed to mowing. Look, he stops, fixes the fence. Is this an REM song?

He really is committed to mowing their lawn. But if you're driving by right now in the middle of the night and you're seeing somebody just mowing their lawn. That's a power move. That would scare me. Warm summer night maybe, you know, just you can't sleep. This is the other thing.

He also only keeps mowing. He just keeps mowing the same lay area. Over and over a little bit. He moved over. This is the suburban version of I Take Your Merchant. You can take your time when you do it in the middle of the night. Do it right. Take your time.

Do it right. That's the story. That's it. Oh, my God. That's it. Wait. So he still has the lawnmower? Yes.

They do not know where. He gave them such a good mowing. He's like, they are set. I'll give you a good mowing. I's like, they are set. I'll give you a good mowing. I'm going to take this. What do you think he's doing with it? Maybe he's like mowing lots of people's lawns for free. In the middle of the night.

In the middle of the night. So he's like a mowing elf. You wake up and you're like, what's going on here? Is it like, if I mow their entire lawn and no police arrive, I'm fucking so in the clear. I can just load it up and take it with me and nobody's going to care. They're going to think I was hired to do it.

If you see the guy out there and you're like, I'm going to go stop him, do you let him finish mowing? I let him finish around the area, around the landscaping. He's a mower, not a grower. There you go. Get it all done and then you're on. What the hell's going on? After it's already been finished. He should be sponsored by Manscaped.

I really think he should. That would be fantastic. That's a show, Fred. There you go. We did it. We did it. Doug Benson, the great Doug Benson. Always a treat, man.

Go see him live at Dynasty Typewriter. One of the few people that just consistently can get it out of me. It brings so much joy. When we see you out at a comedy show or we see you in studio, it's a joy for all of us. Pure happiness. It's always fun running into you guys

out there in the comedy world. In the world. Beautiful. I love it. Oh shit, guys, we've got to get back to work. Boom. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town.

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