Dumb People Town - DPT LIVE - Andrew Dismukes, Roy Wood Jr., and Max Clarke - Judgmental Dog

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome in Brooklyn! In story one, a landlord gives warning for "loud romping". In story two, a dog ends a relationship. The last story is about a "hot pursuit" in a Vegas airport... And special musical guest Max Clarke of Cut Worms!

Star Beans Audio Each epic fail Florida, they got half price bail Happy to say I couldn't make that up So listen to the podcast jam With co-host Starman Dan Van Curve, don't be a jerk When the music quits The funny hits Stick around Settle down

Hunker up She's dumb people town Max Clark everybody! Come on out fellas. Come on out, fellas. Come on out. Yep. So great. Thank you.

Thank you. Wow. Wow. Wonderful. Guys, I'm drinking a Redneck White Claw. For those of you wondering. It's the champagne of beers, man. It is the champagne. Guys, I'm drinking a redneck White Claw. For those of you wondering. It's the champagne of beers, man. It is the champagne.

Are you doing your New York accent? No, I'm doing a Chicago accent. It sounds like you're from Brooklyn. Yeah, it doesn't matter, my friend. Is this the accent they use on the Sopranos? Yeah. What? Remember when Johnny Soprano was like,

Hey, guys, we're having a fantastic time over here. What? Remember when Tony Soprano was like, hey, guys, we're having a fantastic time over here. You guys, let's kill that guy over there. It's going to be fun. You understand you're holding a Miller, right? Yeah. A Miller light. Miller rates?

How about Randy's hat? One more time for Randy's hat. Randy's hat. He looks like he got kicked out of the Cub Scouts a week ago. I look like I just worked in three stores on the way over here. You look like you just learned how to spell Austin, Texas. I look like I sell coffee to woodworkers. You look like Sam Elliott's uncle.

Between your hat and your shoes, you look like an undecided voter. I look like I've said this phrase to my wife a lot. Where's my apron? You look like you only go to the festival if you have a VIP pass I look like I go to the stagecoach music festival just for the food Sure

It's a country music festival Don't worry Jason You look like you'll never get lost on a hike again Jay you look like you're a Romanian gymnastics coach from 1987 who pushed the girls a little

too hard. They needed to learn discipline. It's not my fault. You don't have to touch them on the beam. You want to be a fucking champion, you gotta learn to get a little, you know, rough. Jay looks like he goes to Disneyland without kids. I like the rugs.

You look like one of those countries in the Olympics that only has one athlete. So Jay has to carry the flag and sing the anthem. And wave. And you're like, that's an event? You also look like you work at the most annoying store. Right.

I look like I work at Tape World in the mall. And you say, I feel calmer in these colors. I love it. Well, should we meet our guests tonight? We have guests. We don't just come to town and not bring guests. Well, before we do it, let's start the show off right. Hey, guys. Welcome to a live episode

of Town People Town. Population you. Population Brooklyn. That's it, guys. I feel like with you guys yelling, we're going to give away so many Saturns tonight. Guys, we're going to sell so many Saturns. And this is your reward.

Being here this weekend. All right, Jay, introduce the guests, my friend. Really quick, Jason. Sorry. Did you win that jacket at a laser tag place? Because you also look like what you'd get at a carnival when I trade in two mediums for a large.

You know, I used to be a backup dancer for Debbie Gibson. And they put you all the way back up. Deep background dancer. Jay looks like he drives the van for the guy who comes with the stripper to your bachelor party.

He just keeps the car warm. Should we do it? Let's do it. Our first guest is someone we love. I mean, we love everybody on this show, but this is someone who we recently saw at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, and he was making us laugh so hard. And we're obviously a fan of his work on Saturday Night Live. He's been a writer there for a while. He's now on the show kicking ass, and he's hilarious.

Would you please welcome the hilarious Andrew Dismutes! Now, thank you for being here. Let's make fun of Andrew's jacket. Okay. You look like you're in a normcore punk band. You look like you tried to match your jacket to your pants and almost did. I'm just every shade of brown.

You look like you're cosplaying as Tom Hanks at the beginning of Castaway. You look like the beginning of someone Jesus Christ. You look like the first version of someone who you're creating in The Sims. Yes. I just feel like, you know, between the hat and the jacket, you need kind of somebody

who looks just like a mountain of dirt. Well, no, you're balancing out. You know how you start a movie, and you guys know this, and they put a white piece of paper on the thing to get a white balance. This is a beige balance. Beige balance. Can we get a beige balance. This is a beige, beige, beige. Can we get a beige, beige, beige balance for this stage right now? This is like when you design your own Nike's.

This is what it starts at. What kind of a Tesla do you want? Well, we'll start with the beige package and then we'll move forward. All right. Shall we continue? Yes, yes. Our next guest, Andrew, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. We're so happy to have you here. He's still hung over from the SNL party last night. I know, come on.

The fact that he's here, amazing. He just left the party five minutes ago. Our next guest is a comedian who I quote daily, and speaking of daily, he kills it on The Daily Show. Would you please welcome our buddy, the hilarious Roy Wood Jr. Look at this jacket. All right. What's up, my man?

I mean, Roy's jacket is the only one that makes sense on this day. That's right. Is it? Is it the only one? Dan, it's the only one that really matters on this day. It's a tunnel. Yeah, it's a beautiful jacket. No notes.

I learned that word watching some house shows. Oh, okay. What is it? A tumul. A tumul? Autumn shit. It's autumn shit, okay. You're talking about HGTV shows.

Yeah. Don't even get me started. So I'm going to now, so when we were flying to Ann Arbor, to Detroit, my daughter. Brag. My humble brag. I take airplanes. Coach. You guys wouldn't understand.

Guys, I fly coach. It's a Hollywood thing, guys. It's a Hollywood thing. Just deal with it. I fly the seats that don't lean back. All right. You guys would. I go to Detroit.

You got it up front. You get it. Brody Stevens. So my I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna out this I'm gonna out her material, but my daughter did Her her TV wasn't working like she couldn't watch movies So she had to watch five hours of HGTV, which she said I got dumber I got dumber watching that but she came up with a list of HGTV shows that she would like to see and I'm not gonna do All of them because I Do them all. Let's

throw away the show. I'm just going to do one. I'm not throwing away the show. I'm just going to do one that she would like to see on the show called Shabbat Shalom. Perfect. Two rabbis design your bathroom. Come on. That's good. That's great. A genius joke

from a 17-year-old girl. I was like, put that shit in your college essay right now. Also, let's go pitch that. I want to go pitch that. Well, her other idea was kitchen bitch, which is we find the most annoying woman from Long Island to bully you into changing your kitchen. But I like it.

No, you don't get a short island. You get a Long Island. There you go. A long island. At Sklar Brothers, all right? You're going to yell at my daughter like that? Fuck you. All right.

Tell her ass. I will. You made Andrew leave the SNL party, which is still going on for that. I don't understand. Hey, we start out all of our live shows by telling our guests, at least, what their Florida

Man birthday is. Should we play Florida Man birthday? Let's do Florida Man birthday. I think we should. I think we should. Okay. So, gentlemen, thank you for being here. You're all our guests.

You were all born on a day. And in a different year, same day, someone in Florida did something ridiculous or horrible. The Florida Man birthday is finding out what did a Florida person do on your birthday. As a gift to you, Roy Wood. Junior, I have your birthday as December 11th. That is accurate.

Never forget. We never do. I'm sorry. Don't do that. You can make that joke in L.A. All right, so anyway. Here we go. Here's your headline of your Florida person.

All right. Florida woman accused of attacking husband after she refused... After he refused to stop passing gas in bed. He refused. So she put the ultimatum to him. I'm going to beat your ass if you don't stop farting. Respectfully, I'm going to.

I will continue. I cannot. I bet they're still together. Yeah. I agree with you. Here's a blurb about this. The wife, identified as 55-year-old Dawn Michael, apparently became upset

and began elbowing her husband when he continued to pass gas around 3.30 a.m. He couldn't control it at that hour. That's not his fault. It's not his fault. But think about it. 3.30 a.m. for most people, I would think that that means his gas

woke her up. Yeah, but aren't we as a society getting to a place where we're going to stop fart shaming people? No. I think we, I mean... Michael continued elbowing and even kicking him, police say. Wait, the cops were brought into this? Yes.

The man had indicated he tried to restrain his wife to protect himself. Police say Michael's husband suffered several six to eight inch scratches across his chest and his shirt was ripped open in three places. What if during the struggle he's just farting all the way?

Which, by the way... You're making it come out! Which, by the way... Get off me! Get off! Get off! Was my favorite Sinbad holiday movie, Farting All the Way. All right?

Don't you dare. Michael admitted to police that she elbowed and punched her husband because she had repeatedly told him to stop passing gas in bed. Oh, happy birthday. Andrew Dismukes. Happy birthday, yeah. Andrew, I have your birthday as June 21st. Correct.

Good. Here is your headline. Naked Florida woman arrested after setting bushes on fire for celebration. Who's going to stop that party? Wow. It is the first day of summer, right?

Was it an equinox? A celebration? It was at an equinox. It actually happened at a gym. It's an equinox gym. They have a row of shrubs in front of it, and she just lit that. What would be the celebration that you're naked in public for and lighting bushes on fire? Burning Man.

Other than your college just beat Alabama. What would be the reason? It's not even football season. Nice. Is it shrubbery, or is it like George W. Bush's twins? Who did he set on fire? Also, is she clean down below or did she burn that bush too?

It's hypocritical. If you're naked, where do you get the gas, the matches? I know, the lighter fluid. Did you already have that? Didn't you strip naked? If she is able to light a shrub while completely naked, she should absolutely go out on naked and afraid.

She'd fucking kill that shit. Yeah, she'd be fine. Crush it. It says, police said the responding officer smelled a burning odor while speaking with the woman and noticed that there was smoke coming from some bushes 15 feet away. I imagine her being like, don't look over there. Look at me.

I love her outside nakedness wasn't the only thing going on in this story. Right. In total, the fire ended up causing. She's saying to the guy, hey, hey, my tits are right here. Okay. They're down here. Not over there. Eyes down here.

It ended up causing $50 in damage. Why are you even counting? Wow. Why even? That was a controlled burn, I would say. $50 in damage. To two shrubs. The woman was booked into the Pinellas County Jail on a charge of criminal mischief.

I think we have a photo if you want to see what she looks like. Oh, God, yes. All right. Ethan, if you can, bring it up. This is our choreography. This will all be cut. This part right here. The dead part between the show.

I don't think it should. She's the woman in orange, I believe, Ethan, if you have it. If you don't, don't worry about it. Don't even worry. I don't even know that we need to see her. It can live in our minds. Oh, there she is. Look at her.

I mean, I kind of don't recognize her with the jumpsuit on, but that's just me. Also, pretty good eyebrows. Fantastic. Those weren't singed at all. No. She's like Rachel Baddow. Andrew, this is your guys' meet cute. Exactly.

Yeah. That's your person. Okay. It looks like in this photo right now she's just saying and. What else? And. Alright. First of all, applaud all of you

for not making a we didn't start the fire joke. Okay. We go back to the logo because, Max, I, this was hard so I hope I'm right, I have your birthday as November 11th. That's true. Oh!

Never forget. Never forget. Never forget November 11th, guys. It was a very dark day. Okay. Here's your headline for your Florida man. Florida man breaks into restaurant, strips nude, eats noodles, plays bongos. I'm going to bring this guy up in a second.

But that is... That's performance art, right? That's amazing. By the way, if you told me that was what the play Stomp was, I'd be like... Isn't that De La Guarda? Played the bongos for who?

For the patron. And with what? Did you say the lord? The lord, yeah? For the patron. With what? Did you say the Lord? The Lord, yeah. For the love of the game, I guess. For the Lord? Break in and just get butt naked. Like, why is everybody naked and floating?

Did he bring his own bongos or was he playing the Panda Express house bongos? That's what I want to know. Here we go. Surveillance video shows a man riding his bike up to the restaurant and pedaling around the parking lot for 10 minutes. That's too long. That's called casing the joint. Just doing circles.

Right. He then slips through the back gate. He opens the door to a shed. After wandering around for a bit, he removes a set of bongos from a shed. Do we know what the restaurant is? No. The man then gains access to the restaurant bathroom and

exits naked. So he showed up clothed. Showed up clothed, went into the bongo shed. It's nice that he got some privacy to get naked. Right. He's not an animal. He's not going to get naked in front of everyone. That's an important part. He's not going to get naked in front of everyone. That's an important part. What do you say, Roy? That's an important part.

Oh, yeah. For sure. He's respectful. I mean, yeah. He's tasteful. Right. He then exits the bathroom naked. He sits at one of the restaurant's picnic tables and digs into a bowl of instant ramen noodles,

which he brought with him. Oh. That's maybe the worst part. You can't bring food to a restaurant. Who are you, Alex Rodriguez? The video also shows him playing the bongos still naked. Here's the wild part of this.

I mean, Matthew McConaughey is hilarious. You know what I mean? This incident was only discovered because police were actually reviewing surveillance video from a break-in five days earlier on November 6th that shows a burglar eating a plate of chicken wings inside the restaurant.

I cannot wait for the November 6th report to come out because it will detail all the lead-up to this. Who knew what, when, how did they lead him? Did Ron Johnson lead him through the restaurant ahead of time? You know. I think this restaurant has good vibes. It does. Motherfuckers keep. You know. I think this restaurant has good vibes. It does. Motherfuckers keep breaking in to hang out in this restaurant.

They need to have extended hours. Yeah. Just don't close, bitch, and then nobody will break in. There's the clothed hours and the non-clothed hours. We were in Nashville. I was in a cookout. Do you call it a restaurant? Fast food place?

Oh, yeah. Cookout. Like right across from the hotel. They put you up for Zany's and where we were playing. And it was 3 in the morning. There were two people with guitars just playing. Also, it's Nashville, but it's because they're open. This restaurant should stay open.

You gotta look for stage time wherever you can get it in Nashville. That person who broke in the middle of the night and started eating chicken wings, they also had a beer at the restaurant, stole an estimated $500 worth of stuff, including cash tips, a laptop, a tablet, and a grocery bag, which he filled with beer before exiting. So a laptop

and a tablet don't even equal $500. How old are those laptops and tablets? It's an Apple IIc. Not even, dude. It's a Compaq. Yeah, no, those are Gateway. Gateway. With the cow box.

Yes. Here's my favorite part of this, and we'll get out of our Florida Man stuff. The restaurant is not pressing charges on the naked noodle guy because he's a homeless man and he meant them no harm. He didn't actually steal anything from the restaurant. That's right. So they're like, hey, he needed somewhere to eat his noodles. Fine. God bless him.

Yeah. I love that. Okay, you guys ready for story number one? Are you ready? All right, good. So, as all of you know, we have begun a new era

in Dumb People Town where Jason and Randy also find stories. Each one of us reads a story throughout the episode. I have the very first one. As our guests know,

if there's anything this makes you think of from your life, someone else's life, a character, anyone, jump in. Take the wheel. We're all steering. If you have a question, whatever you need. Here we go. This was sent in by Carleen McDermott at Shibicarleen.

Sends in a lot of stories. I said this last night in Chicago. If we keep having chants, we're going to have a cult on our head. We're an inch away from a cult. We're an inch away from telling which one of you you guys have to have sex with. That's cult behavior. There's a vat of Kool-Aid in the back. It's up to you.

This is also a Silicon Valley startup. You don't have to have sex, but you have to watch. Okay. Let us explain how all the women come to orgasm, but don't actually get there. That's not even part of the cult. And we're going to play volleyball every Thursday night. Go Daniel.

Here's the headline. Story number one. Oh wait, is it too late to show the naked guy walking around? No. You guys want to see that? Now that you know everything about him, he seems kind of pleasant. I love him. Shaking his noodle while eating some noodles.

It's the black and white one, Ethan. Did he cook the wings or were they just already done? Oh, come on. No, he cooked them. Look at him. He looks like... First of all, pretty damn good shape. Yeah.

Like good arms. You know what I mean? You know how you thought you wanted to see something and then when you see it, you'd be like, I think I need to see that. Yeah. Like good arms. You know what I mean? You know how you like thought you wanted to see something, and then when you see it, you'd be like, I didn't think I needed to see that. Yeah. I would say he's got bongo arms. And when will that become a new workout?

Like, you guys doing that new bongo class? Oh, yeah. Peloton has a bongo class. Peloton has a new bongo class in Dumbo. Okay, let's get back to this story here we go headline is this okay from at she be carling my landlord gave me a noise warning for romping too loudly okay so do we have we told the story here on the show when we lived in new york city years ago in 1998 okay there was a gentleman who lived underneath us and we lived in

Chelsea on 19th between 7th and 8th in a three bedroom apartment. This is back when you could live in Manhattan. It was amazing. Back in the old days and the yonder years. We had one office chair around the computer.

That literally maybe rolled 14 inches every two days. This was our super. He lived underneath us. He lived right underneath us. And every time we saw him in the hallway, if we went out of our, he would get so mad about how much rolling we were doing up there.

Always up there, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll. Up there,, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll. Up there, always roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll. We're not rolling all the time. 14 inches every two days. Roll, roll, roll, roll. Do you remember his name? I don't. Well, you're in luck

because he's here tonight. Dan, you're on a roll. Roll, roll, roll, roll, roll. Guys, we have too many chants, okay? Too many chants. Too many chants. Come on. Too many chants.

We're going to get fined. Lydia Barker, if you're already making too much noise, isn't that the most appropriate name just your name is loud Lydia Barker and Billy Brown is that little Billy Brown yes

Billy Brown can I mean I don't care how big he is he's little Billy Brown I can't wait to show you these people this is the first sentence Lydia Barker and Billy Brown, right? Little Bill Brown. Okay. The clock has now started until someone makes a prerogative joke.

It is prerogative. Lydia Parker and... Millie Billy Brown. I got it. Millie Bobby Brown. Fine. They admit to, quote, morning, noon, and night sex sessions, but they say they limit their sounds to a few quote moans and groans.

Moans and groads, the quickly discontinued serial from Post. Roy, what are you going to say? I'm just saying it's courteous. It is courteous. They're like, yeah, we're having sex all the time, but we keep it down. I hate sessions. That's awful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our sexual session. Well, they do it like Steely Dan, where they bring in the best sex artists to come in, do a little bit of a thing. There's a guy in the booth. I'm just a session blowjobist. I come in. You're on Pineapple Records. He's a legend. He'm just a session blowjobist. I come in.

You're on Pineapple Records. Michael McDonald is on every track. I just want you to know that. The pair have now been silenced by a landlord's letter saying they will be monitored. Mother of one Lydia told the son, quote, it's not as if I'm a

screamer. I've never had any noise issues before. Quote quote i'd not call my sex sessions extreme it's just a few moans and groans if i'm the reporter i go i get it you only need to tell me one time that it's a few moans and groans okay i mean we're just moaning and groaning guys three times a. They allowed themselves to be photographed for this article. Oh, my God. Do you want to see what they went with?

I want them to be naked on a bearskin rug. Well, I'll tell you this. There's a bed involved. Ethan, I'm ready when you are. I believe that that should give you an indication of which one we're going with. So this is Billy Brown, little Billy Brown,

and Lydia Barker. Oh my God. I can't tell where his arm starts and her arm stops. There's no judgment with what I'm about to say at all, okay? But I'm pretty

sure she fucks him. And she's wearing like three bump-its in her hair. A bump-it up on top, and then she's letting him bump it. Why does he seem ashamed? Or surprised that they're taking this photo. Also, she has a full poem tattooed on her chest. I love their tattoos. I love it.

I love these people. They need a soft headboard because they are going at it. They just moan and groan right into the velvet of that headboard. You want to put on a shirt for the photo? Nah. No. I don't think so. She's like, I will, but you know.

This is our version of Cribs. Okay. We're doing it morning, noon, and night, but not anti-social hours. What is that? What? What is that? I wonder what her daughter in her ballet outfit...

Like, million hours. Like, nine to six construction hours. Right. She says morning, noon, and night, but not anti-social hours. But you just listed all the times. Are the session fees later at night? They double after hours.

I hate to use this word, but there is surge pricing. She was shocked to be told in a letter that, quote, you and your partner can be heard having sexual relations. It said neighbors find it embarrassing and distressing and told them to reduce the noise. Distressing. Distressing. She was also creeped out to be warned by a social housing provider, Stonewater,

that it would monitor the matter and says that it has knocked them off their stride. So she's saying your warning is affecting our sessions? That camera you installed in our toilet is really inappropriate. If you knew somebody was listening to you fuck, it would change how you fuck. It would change how you fuck. That's true. It would certainly disrupt my session.

I would say that. It's either for better or for worse. If you know they're listening, then you turn up. You might turn, exactly. You might add a couple moans and groans. You can start to tell where the person writing this article stopped liking them.

Unemployed Lydia. Didn't need that, right? Not stay at home. Deadbeat David joined in to the conversation moments later. This broke motherfucker. But that explains being home all day. He's got the time to do sessions morning, noon, and night. So does she.

Unemployed Lydia had no idea who complained about the noises from their semi-detached property in Castle Cary, Somerset. This is in the UK if you haven't figured that out. She said, if there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it, just joking. If there was a problem, most people would knock on the door or stick a polite note through. Making it an official complaint to the Housing Association

is very extreme. It makes me and my man feel very uncomfortable. I'm not going to let him speak for himself. Does he look a little like he says, honey, can I talk right now? She's right, though. That's some hater shit.

Just let him be. You ready? This is how they met. Can we guess how they met? Go for it. Okay, Andrew, how do you think these two met? She looks like she's in a rockabilly band. So somehow through the rockabilly world.

Community? At a stray cat's rescue? Randy. Pub. Pub. Okay. It's UK. They both drink. Look at Pub. Okay. It's UK. They both drink.

Look at those tats. I know. Max? How do you think these guys met? Disneyland. Disneyland. I love it. It's so obvious to me, the fact that you guys don't know this, this was zip lining.

These guys met zip lining. In Vegas. Over Fremont Street. I'm gonna say at a poetry conference. Okay. Okay. At a chest hair shaving. She met Billy a year ago on the crazy mouse ride at a traveling fair.

Okay, Max, you knew it, Max. Max, Max. They have the look of it. They have that. You knew it. Max. Max. Max. They have the look of it. They have that look. They have that look. Max. I was going to say chess tournament.

No, you felt the love. Listen. Crazy. Ready how they met? Not on the ride together. They met at a traveling fair where he was an engineer. Oh. She met the dude who ran the carnival.

Is that what we're calling carnies these days? Engineers. He was selling frosted ZZ Top mirrors. She was cutting the sleeves off of shirts. Their eyes met. Billy said to the reporter, quote, I don't understand. The neighbors only have to put up with our sex sessions for two minutes. What are they complaining

about? He just outed himself. That's why Billy looks like that. I wish everyone who listens to This is the Future could have seen Roy Wood Jr.'s reaction to that guy's attempt at comedy. The neighbors have to shut guy's attempt at comedy.

The neighbors have to shut the fuck up on this. I agree. This guy is literally like and my dick is not even that big. I'm like stop talking. Stop talking. So call a two minute session also. Well you know as sessions go two minutes you gotta still pay for the whole hour.

So that's how it goes with sex. I always say there's a sentence for me in every story that I pick where I go, this is how this became a dumb people town story. This is the one. I love that we haven't gotten to it yet. It's near the end. I love it. Lydia has support from her dad, David, who lives in a camper van outside their house.

He hasn't complained about the sessions. Dang. Bang me so daddy can hear it. When the camper vans are rocking. What, Roy? That's a good man. That's a good man. He said, quote, listen, the house has hollow walls, but the complaint is extreme.

Which means two things. He is hearing them have sex. He is listening to his daughter have sex. But not so much that he feels like it's worth complaining about. And it's his daughter having the sex. And way to throw the house under the bus. What did the house do to you? Oh, then he says, quote, I pop in for

bath and meals, but haven't heard a thing. Which means they also only let her dad in the house to eat and shower and he has to go back out to the van. Because you got fucking to do. You can't. We don't know when a session might

pop up. Oh my God. Where was I? Oh, Stonewater. That's who owns their housing development, which has 34. Was Stonewater the band from Almost Famous? It was. It was.

Okay. They have like 34,000 homes in England. They said last night on reflection, the letter we sent to Miss Barker about what is a very delicate matter doesn't meet our usual high standards, and we hope that it hasn't caused any embarrassment or distress. They backtracked. They're now backpackers? Yes, yes. It said that all parties hope to live amicably. We will get out of here on this.

Ethan and I had a photo of their house. Who cares? Don't worry about it. We can just go back to the logo. I will ask you guys. How old are Lydia Barker and Billy Brown? Are they the same age? No. Okay.

They are not the same age. Lydia, 52. Carney, man, 38. Whoa. That is her man. Okay. So she's older than him. She was his babysitter.

Okay. Still is, whatever they're into. I him. She was his babysitter, okay Still is whatever there. I know whatever that work Max Yeah, I'm gonna say that he's he's the baby boy, okay Little baby Billy Brown. Yeah, still a Billy Brown. How what how old do you think he is? say 51 51 no no no I take that back 37 37 is the new 51 that's what they've been saying left and right and she's what how old is she she's also 37

okay okay okay geez all right I'm throwing you curves. All right. I'm going to say that she's 44 and he is 40. Okay. Okay. Andrew, what do you think? I say he's 40, she's 48. Okay. Wow. I'm going to say that he's 53 and she's 39.

Okay. I went the other direction. Are there any townies in the room that would like to raise their hand and make a guess? I see a hand right here. What's your name? Mike. Okay. I went the other direction. Are there any townies in the room that would like to raise their hand and make a guess? I see a hand right here. What's your name? Mike. Mike. Welcome to town. What's your guess? He's got to be 34. He has to be.

That look of shame is 30s. I love when this turns into a real town hall. People are like, I have a right to speak! I have a right to speak! I have a right to speak. No way he's not 34. What about her? She does feel like 42. When you grab her arm.

That's what he tells her every time. Right here. Lauren, welcome to town. Lauren. Okay. Tight. Okay. Anybody else?

Anybody else? Anyone else? We have one more. Okay, that's it. We're locking it in. I will tell you this. No one got both of them right. Of course.

But some of you got one of them right. I think it's us two saying 40. She? Lydia Barker. Mm-hmm. Unemployed Lydia Barker. Thank you. Unemployed. Jobless Lydia Barker. Lydia Barker jobless Lydia Barker and amusement engineer Billy Brown

drain on society Lydia Barker dad in the front yard Lydia Barker so funny that her name is Barker and he works for an amusement park. Folks. Carnival.

I'm going to give you their ages. Her then him. Ready? Is 31 and 40. He is 40. She is 31. Jay say it. Judd Apatow, that is 40.

That is 40 right there. Yes. Ethan coming in close. 31. She has lived a life at 31. Look at that. The picture in the corner. They've had so much sex, they knocked it up against the wall.

She's 31? She's 31. She's 31. And he's 40. And he's 40. Should we get a metal lampshade? Sure. Oh, see, that's the picture you should have showed me.

He's making the same face. He is making all the... He's still like a dog who's being like... If you told me this is the story of the guy who wouldn't stop farting in bed. I'd be like, yeah, she's rubbing his tummy and he's not stopping. How many times do you think he has said, oh, I just don't really know how to smile.

Do you think if she rubs his tummy enough that he'll give her three wishes? I don't know, but they're both so good and welcome to Wrexham. You guys have to see it. He's the British Buddha. I love him.

Those are power bangs, too, and the scarf. She's not even messing around. He doesn't want to be with her. No, no, no. He doesn't know how to get out. He doesn't know how to get out. One of those, oh, I get to sleep and fuck all the time with this unemployed woman who's got some money stashed away with her pops. Oh, shit.

Cameras are here. That's story number one, my friend. There you go. Great job, Daniel. Lord. All right, Max, you're up again. I can't wait to hear another song from you. And just let us know,

that first song, was that from Hollow Ground? Am I right? Your album from 2018, amazing. All of you here, go check out all of his stuff after this. And he's working on some new music that he's going to record soon, right? That's who we were talking before the break? Or before the show?

I love it. All right. Take it away, Max Clark of Cut Worms, everybody. How about it? take it away, Max Clark of Cut Worms, everybody. How about it? I forgot I was up here. I know.

What do you mean? You had the best guess ever. guitar solo My love, you won't find me Hangin' around by the hangin' tree Cheerin' the death march on ain't never been my idea of fun well have you heard the news well do you think that it's true how the bad sea spoiled the brew Well, I don't know Hard to say Could have gone either way Like some cyclone out on the plains

They pulverize and they pass away At the end of the day It's no use If I upset you now I'll try to make it up somehow But you know I can't say What goes on in my mind some days. Sometimes I think there's no help for me or anyone else. But I got to see for myself and walk along. See for myself Walk along

Make my moves Down the streets and avenues Nothing going Nothing to do The only one thing I care to hold on to Oh, my love And that's you too Oh my love

and that's you Cut dried cancer cysts Painted fingernails on the iron fist hold up and hide it's a blowout sale sweet suicide get me out on bail well all these things I have tried

to see from every side they go in and out with the tide Up and down, back again Make the rounds, make amends Just how much do I have to spend Every postcard that I've tried to send? Or just gets lost in the mail? Thank you. Amazing, dude.

Fantastic. Wonderful. Thank you. dude fantastic wonderful townies we are happy to be sponsored by brooklinen and these two guys are going to tell you how much they love them and then i'm going to throw in some details and say well i love my towels one of you go for i love my robe i love the towels and I love the sheets. The soft sheets. I got my mom cashmere sheets. It's the best thing she's ever got. I love that it's your mom. It's my mom too. She's only my mom because I got her

cashmere sheets from Brooklyn. If you're looking for thoughtful quality presents for your people for this season, look no further than our friends at Brooklyn. And like we said, everything's cozy, curated, sure to be a hit with everyone. And it's stuff they're going to use on a regular basis robes blankets

obviously they have the sheets they have a lot of things to make you feel good bedding decor it just makes you feel I'm going to say this

by the way with Brooklyn Inn's rewards program it literally pays to be comfy that's right you get points discounts

and more with every purchase just sign up and start saving it's really that easy so between the holidays have to have to, Brooklyn's

bundles make this busy season and life so much easier and comfier. They've curated the essentials for bed, bath, even included savings. Whether you're looking to refresh your space and earn a host with the most status, which we are looking for, or give someone something extra special, the bundles are the best bet. Curating a

space that feels like home is no small feat. And Brooklyn brings the ease with every step and quality and comfort that you can count on so let that gifting begin what do we do jay go to brooklinen.com that's b-r-o-o-k-l-i-n-e-n.com use the promo code dumb d-u-m-b i'm spelling it out because i'm dumb for twenty dollars off and free shipping on orders of a hundred dollars or, that's brooklinen.com. Use the promo code DUMB. Okay, if you haven't finished your holiday shopping yet, we're here to say don't panic. We've got a secret source for incredible original gifts.

That's Uncommon Goods, uncommongoods.com. They have absolutely the best gifts for everyone in your life. Talking moms, dads, teens, in-laws. Yes, in-laws are people too. Besties, you're one and only. And it's not just stuff you can find anywhere, right? Stuff for yourself. The craft stuff they have on this thing,

I just bought a chip and dip bowl for my wife's ceramic. It is beautiful. The craft making things too, like the ornament makers, the hot chocolate on a stick. I mean, all that cool stuff. The jewelry is out of this world too. Just great stuff.

And all from artists. Dan, explain why it's so cool. Because they look for products that are high quality, unique, and often handmade or made in the U.S. This is U.S. They have the most meaningful out of the ordinary gifts anywhere. They really are so cool. Now, if you're looking for a gift that you don't want to have to worry that it's going to get lost in the mail, Uncommon Experiences are more than virtual classes.

They're unexpected opportunities to have fun and connect in new ways, like tarot card reading. My family loves that. Lunar astrology, charting, all this stuff. So cool. Cooking, mixology classes, crafting, gardening, and so much more. These things are just these experiences are amazing. It's a holiday time. You've got to get gifts.

It's a time to get gifts, from art, jewelry, to kitchen, to home, bar. Uncommon Goods has something for everyone. And it's not the same lackluster gifts that you could just find anywhere. And guess what? I like this. With every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a non-profit partner of your choice. So you get to choose where you want that dollar to go. They've donated more than $2 million today.

So to get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com slash DPT. That's uncommongoods.com slash DPT for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. UncommonGoods. We're all out of the ordinary. So good. Jeez. I love it.

And people, just go buy all his stuff. That's just, I don't know how else to say it. Please. Just a minute. Those's just, I don't know how else to say it. Please. Just a minute. Those two albums, Hollow Ground, I got Hollow Ground and Nobody Lives Here Anymore. Those two albums are, as far as if you are an album lover, a.k.a. a music snob, like myself,

you put that thing on both sides, incredible front to back, top to bottom. Every song is just an absolute slammer. Incredible. You're too kind. I mean it. We're so lucky to have you here. I'm so psyched. Should we do another story? Should we do story number two?

Come on now. I get to do it. Dan gets to listen. All right. It just dawned on me that you guys could you could pick a Greenlee now. That's right. Oh, shit. We could.

Oh, that would be so fun. That's so much work. I don't know that we can do that, Dan. You know what? Thank you. I appreciate that. Dan, what you do is amazing. Don't put that on us.

Jesus Christ. All right. This headline, I read this headline, and it at once outraged me, I read this headline and it at once outraged me. And I don't know if I was this elated when both of my children were born. I just need to say that. Whoa. Woman cancels dinner date after boyfriend claims his dog thinks she's ugly. What a...

I mean, we can get confirmation on this, can't we? Roy is following along here. Read it one more time. Yeah, I need it one more time. Okay, here it is one more time. Woman cancels dinner date after boyfriend claims his dog thinks she's quote-unquote ugly. Can we turn Roy's mic?

Can we get his mic on? I think if New York has taught us anything, it's right. It's like don't trust anybody who's listening to a dog, right? Too soon? It is too soon. Too soon, guys? We got some soft Son of Sam spots here in the audience. Sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is our entire country watching 19 hours of Jeffrey Dahmer dismember people? No. Too soon? Too soon. Too soon? You're still upset that John Leguizamo and Mira Sorvino went to that orgy in that movie? I mean, that was pretty amazing.

It actually was a good part. It was an unbelievable part. All right. So I don't even know if canceling a dinner date is enough if someone's dog thinks you're ugly. But let's get into this. How does the dog know that she... Who sent it in? Sent in by none other than Carlene McDermott.

At SheBeCarlene. Another one. SheBe a machine is what she be. SheBe on fire. A woman recently went to her new boyfriend's house to meet his dog for the first time. He's not your fucking boyfriend if this is the first time you're going to his house. This is the beginning of a catfish. Can I come to your house?

No, no, no. What are we going to do at your house? Well, you're going to meet my dog for the first time. Well, we're not dating anymore. No. Seriously, she's calling him her boyfriend and he's not saying yes to that. Am I right?

Definitely not. He doesn't say that. He's like saying yes to that. Am I right? Definitely not. He doesn't say that. He's like, I'm seeing some people, right? Absolutely. Roy? Depends on how long they've been... How long they've been stifling the money and growing? How many sessions they've had?

I don't know. I know dudes that you don't want a woman over your house too soon, but you'll commit, but I'm coming to your house. And how much is riding on the dog's approval of this one? Well, that's why. He knows the dog is very judgy. So he's been keeping her away from the dog. You don't understand.

He kind of likes her. You don't understand. I rescued the dog, and his previous owners were both ugly, so he's very skittish around ugly people. If the relationship is as new as y'all claim, that means that they'll choose the dog over you anyway. So I'm not even going to bore myself trying to fucking win your love over this dog.

That's right. The dog already showed that the dog don't fuck with me. I'm out. Exactly. And we know for a fact that the dog will lick his balls. So let's just understand you got a high bar to jump over. Have y'all ever been with somebody, been around somebody, and the dog don't fuck with you?

Yes. I have, too. I trust that. We're like, my dog doesn't like this person for some reason. But I've never gone all the way to like, it must be because you're ugly. The dog is saying, he probably smells your ugly brother. Put the mask back on. A woman recently went to her new boyfriend's

house to meet the dog. His dog for the first time was left in shock when the pet allegedly criticized her appearance. What? Criticized her appearance? He wasn't like, bitch, those shoes. I don't think so.

According to the 25... Oh, I shoes. I don't think so. According to the 25. Oh, I did. I ruined it. All right. Let's guess. Let's guess. Let's guess. Dan, stop chanting.

There it is. That was the guess. I fucked it. Don't worry. It feels like you're just describing. But I do have his or her boyfriend's age, which I will keep from you. Well, we'll find out. 25 year old woman.

boyfriend's age, which I will keep from you. Well, we'll find out. 25-year-old woman. She's been dating her blank year-old boyfriend, Michael, for four months. Four months! And has not seen the apartment. Is that crazy? Come on. Yes. It's not crazy. He was right.

Something's off about it. It's like he hadn't been to the crib yet. And then the first day you come over, you on this weird shit? No, I was right to not let you in the crib. Wait, she's telling him that the dog... No, he's telling her that the dog thinks you're ugly. Here's what happened. He's a catch, guys.

I don't know why. My dog thinks you're ugly. Yeah. Is what he told her. Yes. Well, no, the dog's probably barking and it's like he only barks at ugly people. That's right. You know what I mean?

He used to deduce this about the dog. I know the dog's tendencies. We have a mailman and that guy's not that good looking. Here's what happened. It took him three and a half months for his current girlfriend to finally break up and move out. Then he needed about two weeks to reset the house

and now I'm imagining her name's like Kirsten. He's coming over. His name is Michael. You gotta clean that house up on some CSI shit. You mean Luminol that shit? Get their shampoos out the fucking shower caddy.

You gotta invite someone to come and just do a full cleaning. Yeah, you got to do a sweep. Get the milk out of the fucking fridge. By the way, this... Okay, just me. I'm the only person. No, you're right. You got to do a full shower drink.

No, you don't drink almond milk. Whose almond milk is that? That's right. You got to get that shit out of there. Oh, I'm sorry. You use Pantene? Okay. All right.

Yep. The plan was for her to go to Michael's house and cook dinner where she could meet his dog at the same time. So he was going to make her come to his house and cook dinner for me. You're going to cook me fucking dinner. And if my dog doesn't think you're attractive, you're gone. The balls on this asshole. Isn't that just one of the episodes of The Bachelor?

It kind of is. This is one of the ad homes. One of the in-homes. I don't know what they're called. Hometowns? Hometowns. It's called stretching the dope out for four extra episodes.

That's what it's called. This is insane that this was in some news publication. Like, to me, that is great. Like, I think this was in the Wall Street Journal on the front page. I don't know. What's going on in Ukraine? Fuck it. This dog thinks she's ugly.

All right. Let's put that at the top. For a lot of people, a dog is their child. That's it. How soon would you allow someone to meet your actual child? I mean, that's four months after this. Four months feels early for a real... Yeah, oh yeah, no.

If you have a child, there's a long time. We gotta know who this person is before I'm gonna introduce it. In a dog year, it's four months. I know. But listen, if a... But a dog is like a one-year-old

in terms of communication. You can't trust their judgment. You can't trust. Like, there's no one who's looking at a baby in a crib and saying, do you think she's ugly? What should I do with these stocks? I'm feeling a little weird. It's volatile right now.

Cry once if you think she has a big nose. Why do I have a microphone in my house? Why are you asking me that, baby? Alright, that was the plan. He's like, look, the dog thinks you're ugly, but just go back in the kitchen and finish the pasta. That potato's only once

baked, so let's... So I'm not gonna... She's like, I really feel like Michael's putting a lot into me meeting his dog and her friends are like, what are you worried about? Nothing's going to... It's a dog. There's no way it's going to go bad. Just go up to... You like dogs. What's a dog going to do?

Say you're ugly? Walk up to the dog with your hand like this. Everyone's giving dog advice. All right. Don't rush up on it. That was the plan. However, the couple sat down to talk.

When they did, after the couple sat down to talk, she noticed that the pet was moving around in a funny way. Okay, first of all, I'm out on this woman too. Like if this is her description of a dog moving around. She's not a dog person. Moving around in a funny way. Is he scooting across the floor on his balls as if they're like wheels? That's pretty normal. All dogs do that.

Yeah. Even when we took our dog's balls away he still did that. Still did it. Still had a tiny coin purse and just went around the whole carpet on it. Michael laughed at this and said and feeling puzzled she asked him what his dog was actually

doing. So she's probing what the dog's opinion. What's going on over there? And Michael being in a relationship with someone before it just couldn't say that's just dog shit. You know what I mean? He was like is something burning in the kitchen? You better get back in there and make some fucking food.

Check on those mint peas in there. It was then that things got weird. Talking to Reddit, where she goes by the username of LauraJade2013. Okay. The confused girlfriend. You're not his girlfriend anymore. You can't say confused girlfriend anymore. The confused girlfriend. You're not his girlfriend anymore. You can't say confused girlfriend anymore. The confused woman wrote,

Michael said that the dog was telling him about me. I was like, um, okay. This is in the Wall Street Journal. What? Or Reddit. Or Reddit. Or Reddit. Same thing.

Have you ever read that in the Wall Street Journal? Who's the asshole? It's unbelievable. They do that. I was like, okay. And then he flat out said that the dog thought I was ugly. That's his response to dog moving around a weird way.

What's going on? I think the dog thinks you're ugly. This shocked me completely. I looked at Michael and asked if he was serious. That's a good question. That's a good question. That's a fair question at that moment. To which he said the pasta's ready.

Go on in and put it in the strainer. You don't want it to get too mushy. All right. He started explaining that his dog is, quote, like that with, quote, some people, and that I shouldn't get offended over an animal's behavior. But he did. He got offended. He just took it as a fact. with, quote, some people, and that I shouldn't get offended over an animal's behavior. But he did. He got offended.

He just took it as fact. Look, I think you're hot as fuck, but he's doing a weird move over there. So I'm obviously wrong. We don't agree on women, okay? But his opinion matters more than mine. The bread is ready. Go get it. If he still said that he liked her,

why is she mad about it? I don't understand. You can overcome the dog's assessment. I'm saying the dog might think she's ugly. Let's just take that as fact. Sure. And you can just live with the fact that he communicates with his dog.

What if he's... You can deal with this psycho. He's like, look, normally if he finds you attractive, he'd be humping you. And he's not doing any of that. And that's a problem for me. That's weird. I mean, you know at dinner he's like cutting up his steak.

And then he just looks over at the dog and is like, what's that? Totally. Anyway, this is really good. He's like, you tell her. I'm not going to tell her. I'm not saying that to her. I like maxi dresses. If you feel that way, you tell her.

You do it. Oh, rompers are fine. What's wrong with you? What's gotten into you tonight? You owe rent. Did you know you owe rent? All right. He said, or she said, quote, I felt horrible because I, as a person, have always struggled

with self-esteem and am no stranger to the word ugly. All right, I feel bad for her. Me too. Don't let this dog tell you whether or not... I hope she looked at him and was like, you know, he's allowed to feel how he wants to, but you didn't need to tell me. Exactly. My issue...

That is dog bullying. Thank you. Thank you. That person is upset. Sir, you will is dog bullying. Thank you. Sir, you will wait till we do new business. But we appreciate your enthusiasm. Alright. My issue wasn't with the dog, but with what Michael said. Well, the dog said it first, okay? Michael

is interpreting the dog's words. All Michael is doing is repeating it. So your issue better be with the fucking dog. Don't dump the messenger. You can't lie. You can't lie because then she comes over again and then the dog is still on some weird shit. She's going to be like, what the fuck?

What's going on? She's going to be self-conscious about it. Because if you say nothing, she's going to be like, no, no, something's going on. Like, nothing. It is pretty awkward when you date somebody and you're certain that their roommates do not like you. And that's what she's dealing with. Like she walks in and that dog's like, you're still with this bitch. We're still doing this.

It's like, this is her quote. It's like he was indirectly giving me his opinion about my looks and using his dog as an excuse. That's exactly what he's doing. 100%. 100%. It's not like that. That dog wasn't doing anything weird. But if that's what it is, then why did he have her over at the crib?

If you're ugly, I would move to your house. They've been dating for four months. He's so stupid. He was like, this dog tactic is going to work perfectly. I don't like being the bad guy. Listen this dog tactic is going to work perfectly. I don't like being the bad guy. Listen, I'm still going to get a dinner out of it. The bread is ready.

It is wonderful when people do that. They say exactly what's happening, but they don't realize it. They present it as an idea. They're like, it's just like I feel like him and I don't work out well together, and he's not someone I should be with. It's like, yeah, that's exactly the thing. What we're saying here. He had this concocted explain. He's like, what's the worst that's going to happen?

She's going to go on Reddit and talk about it? Oh, yeah, she did. She did. It's going to be the subject of a podcast that will go out to thousands of people. Oh, yeah, it will. All right. An argument ensued and she ended up canceling dinner altogether and just heading home. This is why for this guy he's got to meet every

girl he wants to date at a dog park. That's right. See what he's doing. It works for a lot of people. Right. Exactly. It does. This is where to me the story gets weird. Okay. Michael called her several times. No. Why? What are you doing?

Put the phone down. Michael drop it. No, you don't. What are you doing? Put the phone down, Michael. Drop it, drop it, drop it. Who's a good boy? Drop it, drop the phone. Michael, drop the phone. And when she eventually picked up, this is what a good guy he is, he accused her of overreacting.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Wow. Just take the criticism from my Yorkshire Terrier. I wish we knew what type of dog it was. What type of dog do you think it was? It's one of those judgmental fucking dogs. Oh, it was a Jack Russell Terrier or a standard poodle. Skittish as shit.

He's an asshole doodle. He's a mix of an asshole and a poodle. All right, we can play this. How old is Michael, the man who... So we know she's 25. She be 25 from She Be Carlene. You're going to guess. We'll get you for sure.

Oh, for sure. Let's start with Max. You've heard about this guy. I mean, I'm assuming you're completely on board with his attitude. Yeah. How old is Michael, a guy who would tell a woman that his dog thinks she's ugly,

then when she calls later, says you're overreacting? He called her. Oh, he did call her. He's got an apartment. He didn't make dinner. 14. He does sound 14. He does. This is on her. You do not date under the legal limit. Okay. What city is this?

It didn't say what city. Okay. It doesn't say in the book. Only a man under 30 is wild enough to say some shit like that to a woman. In person. I know. That's the thing. Is he younger than her or older than her?

This is some 26-year-old shit. 26-year-old shit. His Saturn hasn't returned yet. He has not a care in the world. Andrew. I'm going to say, yeah, I agree. It's very under 30 behavior. I'm going to go 28.

28 years old, Daniel. Tell a woman she's overreacting? I know. Come on, man. Amateur. It's psychotic. You don't know yet. You don't know yet.

You're asking for it. It's like that chart, like, fuck around enough and then you'll find out. You know what I'm saying? It's perfect. You got to the tell her she's overreacting enough and then you'll find out. 30 is the age when you learn. Keep your dog's criticism. That's really when you're mature enough.

Not everyone needs to know. You let a dog criticize women enough and then eventually you keep that shit to yourself. Let criticizing dogs lie. You shouldn't have any friends. Literally lie. Totally lie. Literally lie. You shouldn't have any friends that are like, oh, my dog told me about this.

Okay. Who told you about this restaurant? Do you want to go to the concert tonight? Let me check with the dog first. My dog will not shut up about the redeem team. Have you watched that documentary? It's also phenomenal. What do you think, Daniel? We got a 28, a 26, and a 14.

I'm going to go. She gave a younger idiot a fucking chance. He ruined it. He, no. And he ruined it. And he is dumb. Yeah. And I will say, because that big thing for me is that he wasn't making dinner. So I'm going to go 23 years old. 23 years old.

Look, when you're in your early 20s, you think you have endless options. This guy doesn't even know you. I think he just isn't aware of anything. I think he's 36 years old. Unaware. And unaware. You can't teach an old dog

new criticism. Is what his dog told him. That's right. Down front, what did you want to guess? What's your name? Hi, JoJo. Welcome to town. How old?

Okay. 31. 31. I like that. Charlie. Charlie. Wait, are you asking us? Because we don't know yet.

We don't know yet. What if he's like Benjamin Button? He's 41, but he looks like a 14-year-old All right We'll do one We'll do one right there, yes What's your name? You?

Yeah Yes, you Me with my arm in the air? Me with a guest Let me check with my dog It's No, it's fine, it's fine What's your name?

Hi, Nicole What's your guest hi Nicole what's your guess welcome to town yeah sure huh yeah 74 years old I can see that. Like a dude who has a weirdly close relationship with his dog. It is very true. I don't think

40 and 70 because if you're in that age bracket and you're bringing a 25 year old over to the crib, you're not going to say shit. You're not going to fumble the coochie like that. You can't. You know what? You'd put the dog down. You would go, you're out.

Yeah. You're honestly, you're like the Mets in the playoffs. You're just happy you got there. That's right. Yeah. You just accept the fact that you're there. Hey, the Cardinals lost in the first round, too. We're already out of it, all right?

And it was at that point he knew he had fucked up. All right. Get your answers in at home, Townie says. Is anybody really close? Somebody is exactly right. So now we get to change our answer to who do you think is right. I think it's 74. Okay. Daniel to who do you think is right. I think it's 74. Okay.

Daniel, who do you think is right? You bet against Michael Jordan very often? No. 23. I think it's 23 as well. 23, 23. You can go with yourself. You can feel your own truth.

Switch to somebody else. Stick it with 28. You sticking to 26? Yeah, 26. You believe in yourself? Max, you sticking at 14? No, I was kidding. What do you want to go with?

I'll go on the 23 train. 23 train. Okay, good, good. Get your answers in. Michael, who listens to his dog when he tells people that they're ugly. And hopefully listens to this show. I'll pray to God he listens to this show. Well, if his dog allows him to.

That's fine. Invites women over and makes them cook dinner for him is... 31 years old! JoJo! JoJo! JoJo! JoJo feeling all fun all night! JoJo's on a vacation far away!

There we go, that's story number two! Story number two! Yes! tomorrow. There we go. That's story number two. Story number two. Max is going to play another song for you guys. When we come back, we'll find out what these two dudes have

going on. I can follow them, but Max, take it away. Yeah, buddy. Yes. Jojo, I'm so proud of you. Oh my God. Yes. On and on I've went and gone Fallen so far behind Running, always working Never having no time

Let off from the army no time let off from the army settling the sweet repose keeping everything inside until it explodes come up in my dream you won't come down You get the feeling that you're being run out of town I was a soldier in the evergreen war Nobody seems to talk about it no more Oh you, you don't know what love can do to a fool like me You, you don't know What love can do to a fool like me Strangers and their kindnesses help me along the way

Give me so much more than I can hope to repay I can hope to repay Situations rise and fall but they don't belong to me I can't get inside them, can't pretend that I see Look at my dream, you won't come free You'll get the feeling that you're out lost out at sea Tell all the old men to stop telling tales. Nobody really believes in chasing white whales. You don't know what this life can do to a fool like me You, you don't know what this life can do to a fool like me me lying underwater looking up at the surface lights shining so alive and playing games with my eyes And playing games with my eyes Footfalls on the cobblestone

Echoing in the fall I just acted their command I do tricks like a dog Somehow in my dream You won't come down You'll start to see What the madmen are laughing about Somewhere in my dream

I already know I had this one before and I know how it goes Oh you, you don't know What this world can do to a fool like me. You, you don't know what this world can do to a fool like me yes thank you so good dude thank you so much good health starts with good habits and qu Quip, great folks at Quip, make it easy by delivering all the oral care essentials you need to care for your mouth. Yeah, the Quip electric toothbrush.

We all have it. We all love it. My kids have it. My wife has it. Loved by over 7 million mouths and with so many great features. It's no surprise, guys. Quip has timed sonic vibrations with a 30-second pulse that guides you through a dentist-recommended two-minute clean. That's how many you want to do, friends.

It's also lightweight, sleek design for adults and for kids. There's no wires, no bulky charger, none of that stuff to weigh you down. Very helpful when you travel. They come in multi-use travel covers that double as a mirror mount for less clutter, reusable handles in a range of sleek metal hues, including the best-selling all-black, which I have, and all-pink, which my daughter has, and a whole group of bright plastic colors, sure to add pop to your bathroom counter. On top of your brushing, you can upgrade Quip with the new Smart Motor, which I have, which tracks and improves your brushing techniques.

With a free app, you do it on your phone. It's simple. And even more amazing awards, like free refills, products, Target gift cards, and more. Beyond the brush, Quip has everything you need to build a complete routine, including mint or watermelon toothpaste. Did I say toothpaste? Toothpaste. I love the floss.

It has a refillable dispenser. It reduces waste. And they have refillable gum and refillable mouthwash. And in addition to the brush heads, Quip will deliver all those items every three months without you having to worry and remember about it. You get a new brush head every few months. That keeps your teeth brushing as strong as it can be, starting at just $5 and free about it. You get a new brush head every few months. That keeps your teeth brushing as strong as it can be

starting at just $5 and free shipping always. Yeah, if you go to getquip.com slash dpt right now, you get your first refill free. That's your first refill free at getquip g-e-t-q-u-i-p dot com slash d-p-t Quip, the good habits company.

We've got one more short story, but before we do that story. Yes. Let's talk about what our guests are up to. Yeah, Roy Wood Jr., we can see you on The Daily Show. The clips that come across my TikTok are the funniest goddamn things I've seen. Well, thank you, man. The black James Bond run.

I know I texted this to you, but how the. Ew. That, how much feedback did you get from that that was so brilliant of a concept I'm assuming that was you all you are still arguing about it are you serious the basic premise of

this brilliant bit was you don't need to remake I'm not a fan of remaking white characters as black actors I'm not anti fan of remaking white characters as black actors I'm not anti black people but I'm just there's enough there's enough original stories yet to be told tell those stories and also agree with that there are a lot of black characters and movies that are based on white characters and books so

if you want to blackwash a character you got to do it from Morgan Freeman and Shawshank Redemption in the book. That character is white. Pam Greer and Jackie Brown. That character is white. And then myself and confess Fletch with Jon Hamm. That character is white. So fucking good. But it's just the moment you invoke race on the Internet.

It's just a bunch of people arguing about, you know, just race and shit. And I'm sorry. This was a joke about books. so weird that people would but I just thought your take of now there's going to be white people remaking black classics that for real it's called Malcolm Y but no man the writers man writers and Trevor they give us the freedom you know the writers kind of set the structure and the correspondents get to come in

and fuck around with everything a little bit brilliantly done just how angry in the moments you take on there as a stand up because I know you're a brilliant stand-up too. It is great to see guys like you and Michael Kosta who have stood in front of audiences up there. Like, you know you are taking your time the way a great comedian takes their time.

Like, you understand how an expression can be, that's a punchline right there, just the way you take it. So it's just so brilliant. I'm so happy that you're doing that. It's been fun, man. It's been fun. I don't know which way this shit is going to go after December 8th. So it's just so brilliant. I'm so happy that you're doing that. It's been fun, man. It's been fun. I don't know which way this shit is going to go after December 8th.

All right. We'll see. Who knows? Maybe you'll be hosting that show. We'll see. I'll throw a vote in for that. I'll throw a vote in for that. I don't want to.

I don't know. I'm not going to say I don't want to. I got a child. I just fucking pay a bill or two. But I just don't know which way that shit's going to go. As you also know as stand-ups, the game goes a million different directions

and ain't none of this shit promised. I'm thankful for the seven years I've had. Who knows? Maybe I'm corresponding for whoever the new host is or maybe I'm back doing morning radio in Birmingham in January. No, that's not going to happen.

I'm ready for all three bitches. Of course. Shoney's? Shoney's Barclays. I'll go back and work at Shoney's. True fact, I still have my Golden Corral uniform. Yeah, you do. From 01, because I technically never quit.

I just kept getting booked on the road, and Miss Darlene said, just let me know when you want... She's still waiting for a call. When you want to come back on the schedule, baby, just let me know. Roy, we have to shoot a thing together where you show up for a shift.

I want a shift. You said I have my uniform. That chocolate fountain isn't going to work itself. That waterfall needs me. Listen, when you get the job to host The Daily Show, your first segment is you going back to Golden Corral and taking that thing. And being like, I'm sorry. Honestly, he said, I just want to get rich enough

so I can have a chocolate wonderful in my own house. You go back, you reset up the smoking section. We're doing it my way. That's right. 1986 rules. That's right. 1986 rules. That's right. Well, that's great. And are you doing any stand-up dates on the road?

Nothing right now, man. I'm bouncing around New York, but I haven't toured this year because I was trying to write scripts and figure out other shit career-wise. So now, next year, I'll start slowly fucking. Okay, be on the lookout. Just Google me and follow the racist arguments happening. There you go. Jump in the fray.

On my social. Jump in the fray. I check in from time to time. Good. I like it. Andrew, if people can catch you. I mean, obviously, Saturday Night on Saturday Night Live. You're doing so great on that show.

Amazing, man. So much funny stuff. So proud of you. You're so good on that show. Amazing. So much funny stuff. So proud of you. You're so good on that show, but Randy and I, the bit that we cannot stop doing that we saw you do down at Moon Tower is about your mom, who your mom still

lives in Texas. Yeah, she lives in Houston, Texas. And the premise, can I say the premise or do you want to say the premise? Feel free. The very short version of the setup is what if your mom was into porn? That's just already, I love it. That's the correct reaction from the audience.

If people were like, yeah! This is your impression of your mom if she was into porn. Yeah, this is my impression of my mom if she liked porn. This is how she would talk about it. It goes like this. I like porn. You know, I do, I do, I like porn.

I do, I like it, I like porn, I do, I like porn, but why they gotta cuss? It's a great point. Hey, that's her hang up. All the qualifiers before You could be qualifying that for an hour and I would just watch I would watch an hour of you before you got to the cousin It is so do you have dates in your off weeks or next? What do you have the only I'm not really on the road much during SNL every other Monday

In Chelsea at the asylum me and my friend Michael host a show called Steve Martin presents and every other Monday in Chelsea at the Asylum, me and my friend Michael host a show called Steve Martin Presents. And every other Monday, 9.30. Come check it out, guys. Tomorrow night here. Audience here. You can go there tomorrow. And audience listening at home when this drops. Go check it out.

Can I ask a quick SNL question? Sure, yes. Because I'm always fascinated about this. Because at the Daily Show, some of the guests be on some bullshit. Yeah. Do the guests let their hair down? All of the don't look them in the eye, don't talk to them bullshit. Can you actually kick it?

Is it an approachable situation for the whole fucking week? They are pretty approachable for the most part. In the time I've been there, there's never been anybody who's been a psycho. But everybody kind of has. All the people who have been there longer than me have stories of like when this person was here it was hell I've been told you can usually tell them in the pitch when you all go to the table you can tell with the host what the week's gonna kind of be yeah there are there have been times where people have pitched stuff and the host has fully been like,

well, but that's not funny. Oh, shit. And then you're like, well, then we won't do it then. If you don't like it, that's cool. The Daily Show, we pitch everything pretty much over email. Like Trevor and the writers, they have a morning meeting, but everybody else, you just pitch

over email, so you don't get your head chopped off. You just, no one replies. else, you just pitch over email, so you don't get your head chopped off. No one replies. Right, you get the no. It's soft. And you're like, my dog loved this. He said it. But then you

get in Gmail that little red note saying, you sent this four days ago and there hasn't been a response. Was it not funny? And then you get a response six days later, new computer who did this. Hey! We're grateful to have you here

and we'll support you so much in everything you do. Randy, why don't you bring us home? I've got a very short story. You guys ready for this very short story? We're going to take this puppy home. Land this plane. I think this may be the most confident woman in the history of human beings. All right? A woman arrested at a Las Vegas airport told officers it must be because she's so good looking.

Whoa. We got an inverse here. That's right. Which Las Vegas airport could it have been? She done be talking to dogs That's right. Which Las Vegas airport could it have been? She done be talking to dogs. What if it was like instead of a drug dog, they had like a fine dog?

Yeah. That'd bring out two assassins. And that's it. And the dogs gave the assessment and she's like, I'm fine, man. There you go.

All right, so this woman, I'm not going to tell you, I'm not going to fuck it up like Jay and tell you how old she is. Oh, and yet I provided the greatest guest the age moment of the night. You pulled it out.

How old this woman, we're going to find out, was arrested last week after she was accused of skipping on a restaurant tab, a police report obtained by local media said. Hold on, hold on, hold on. She tried to dine and dash at an airport. At an airport. She's like, bitch, I'm out of here. And then she goes and sits at gate 33. You're at terminal B3, ma'am. We can see where you are.

The only way out of here is in a plane that we're driving. Dude, nothing in an airport makes sense. At the American Terminal at LAX, there's a sports bar called Home Turf. Whose home turf is at the airport? That is not your home turf. Guys, get together at home turf, man.

We've got to buy plane tickets to other cities. But we love to go to our home turf to watch all of our games. Nothing makes sense. All right. You ready for the name of this person? I love the name of this person. I'm trying to understand it. Hend Bustami.

H-E-N-D. Hend. Hend Bustami. Hend Bustami. Or Bustami. Reportedly said officers arrested her because they had, quote, never seen anyone as good looking. That's what she said. As her.

And accused them of harassing her. There's a lot of sexy people at the Chili's, too. There's a lot of hot people. Dan, I fucking love that you said that because News Outlet reported that the police report shows that Bustamante faces charges of violating airport conduct after

she was accused of leaving a Chili's restaurant. Oh, Daniel. Drop the's restaurant. Oh, Daniel. Drop the mic. You knew, Daniel. You knew. I know my people. I know my people. I want my food in a bag with just sodium.

Heat it up. Dan, what did she order? I order the Southwest egg rolls uncut I want them Southwest egg rolls Uncut is like an uncircumcised penis If she's got a lot of anxiety She's definitely going skillet queso

Southwest egg rolls She's walking out of the restaurant And they're chanting I want my patron back I want my patron back Maybe patron back, patron back. I want my patron back, patron back. Maybe the margarita grilled chicken's pretty good. That's right. But now they have fried pickles, too.

That's a good... I'm going to go... Jesus. Guys, they paid me for an entire campaign of their food. I'll do anything I can to get rehired. That's right, Dan. This is all about you getting rehired. I'll go... Fuck. By the way, I don't have theired. That's right, Dan. This is all about you getting rehired. I'll go

fuck. By the way, I don't have the answer. I'm just asking you. She didn't order the glam burger. There's no way. Texas toast, Andrew? Pretty good. Pretty good. I'll lay it down. She ordered the chicken

fiesta salad. I love that there are Southwest egg rolls. I would never go for egg rolls from the Southwest. You know where the greatest Chinese food comes from? Arizona. That's right. That's where I go for my lo mein. I'll have the Southwest egg roll. You know what?

Scratch that. I'll have the Northwest chicken teakum. Andrew, back me up on this. Southwest egg rolls are very good. Yes, but also in Texas, and Chili's is technically born in Dallas, Texas. I love you, Chili's. No offense. You got a lot of work to do to catch up to Cheesecake Factory,

but that's a whole other story. But in and around Texas and Houston, Southwestern egg rolls are like calm. They have them at the House of Pies diner in Houston. You can get Southwest egg rolls. Say it, Jay. Go ahead. You gotta be able to do it. Go ahead, Jay. Tell me what your dog

said about me. No, you gotta do it, Jay. I just won an order of the Flagstaff General So Chicken and I'm out of here. It's actually really good. It is really. Give me a quarter of the East Coast tapas and we'll get out of here. All right.

That's OK. So these are at Harry Harry Reid International Airport without paying for the bills. So that's what happened. Wait, did it say what she ordered? No, it does not. I'm sorry. I just wanted to order the Albuquerque beef and broccoli. Why am I right?

Right. What were you going to say? Does it give the dollar amount? No, it does not. Can we reverse engineer it like the $28 Taco Bell guy? $28 can buy you into the franchise to talk about. I'm now part owner. That was $28.

Okay. So how drunk are you? So this is interesting. Police worked with TSA officials. I'm now part owner. That was $28. Okay, so now. How drunk are you? So this is interesting. Police worked with TSA officials. They're like, oh, great. We don't have to check for bombs now. No.

Let's go find this bitch. I mean, like, you knew that was like, okay, we're on the hunt now. Oh, yeah. Do you know how eager TSA is to have a case? We're ready to go. We're ready. You know, some TSA agents are like, can I use your gun? They're like, whoa, whoa, easy. It's right, my friend.

I'm Michael Kissick. I just transferred here to be. Okay, Michael. All right. You know, you do not take out the mace. It's fine. We're not allowed to have a gun, but I have one on me. Okay, Michael.

I don't think that's a good idea. And how long have you worked at Midway Airport in Chicago? I've been at Midway Airport for 33 years. Okay, and they let you go because you tried to hug a kid. Is that right? Look, that was a quick pat-down. That's all that was. You're not allowed to hug while you're patting your mom.

Well, you shouldn't be allowed to be lonely either, and that's what life's like. Michael, Michael, Michael. Look, I didn't get kicked out of the Navy for nothing, all right? Michael, very hard to get kicked out of the Navy, by the way. Actually, not that hard to get kicked out of the Navy. How did you get kicked out of the Navy, Michael? All right, I got kicked. First of all, a part of them, you shouldn't be grenade practicing on a ship.

Great point. They get made. It's hard to throw a hole in the side of a ship. Great. I tried to get the whole crew to watch Pearl Harbor with me because I love Josh Hartnett, god damn it. All right. It's not a crime.

It's not a crime. TSAF who said the woman matching the description was seen sleeping near the security checkpoint. She's hammered drunk. This is what happens when you take too many red eyes, guys. According to the report, she was then found in baggage claim.

Wait, so she went, she went, drop off at airport. She did not tip her Uber. Goes through security. Sits at Chili's to orders an El Nino. If you know, you know. She then, and all you basic bitches who know, I love you, okay?

Deep knowledge of the chili's myth. So then she went to her gate, fell asleep, woke up, went back to baggage claim. Can we also admit, if you've done all this, TSA sucks at catching people. Or they've seen you nine times, so they know who you are. If you've done all this, I think you qualify for clear at that point. She was then found in baggage claim, but was belligerent with officers, saying she was being harassed because cops have never seen anyone as pretty as her. All right. She's like the Muhammad Ali of degenerates. saying she was being harassed because cops have never seen anyone as pretty as her. Alright.

It's like the Muhammad Ali of degenerates. KTNV added KTNV added that reports indicated that the woman threatened to spit at police claiming the officers were perverts. Well listen. What perverts? You don't have to threaten to spit. You can just do

it. That is a odd move because usually the spit just comes when you think you're going to get hit. I'll spit. I will spit, you perverts. Ma'am, you're doing it now. I will spit, you perverts. When you used a P word, you spit. I will spit, you perverts, is the porn that Andrew's mom loves.

I love porn. She loves it. I love it. I really, really love it. That's just me and Randy doing your bed for two hours. I love porn that Andrew's mom loves. I love porn. I love it. I love it. I really, really love it. That's just me and Randy doing your bed for two hours. I love it. I love porn, guys. I mean, I like it. I don't know why I have to tell you I love porn.

David, don't I like it? I like it. Tell him how much I love that porn. She does. She does. What's your dad's name? My dad's name is Greg. Greg, tell him how much I love porn.

Just nod when I say I love porn, Greg. He doesn't look up. What? What? I love porn, Greg. I said I love porn. Corn? He's like, corn?

No, Greg. I said porn. I'm watching the Astros. Why am I? Don't go back to baseball stuff. We can't go back to baseball. We're watching this documentary. All right.

So the reports indicate the woman threatened to spin, claiming that she was booked in the Clark County Detention Center, according to KTNV. The woman is held on how much bail? Let's put a dollar amount to this. How much bail? Now, you skip out on a Chili's bill, you threaten to spit at a police officer, fall asleep, and you claim that you are the prettiest woman, and that's why they're doing that to you. I'll go for it. I'm going to go $6,000.

$6,000. Oh, come on, Daniel. Jason, what do you think? I'm going to say $80. $80. I'll go $2,000. $2,000. Roy? $1,000. $1,000?

Yeah. I almost want to say $800. $1,000. Max, what do you think? $400. $400. Okay. Any guesses?

Right here. Yes. $850. Spaz, welcome to town. Thank you. Elise, welcome to town. How much? $500.

$500, Elise? Elise. What's your name, buddy? What's up, Sam? What's up, buddy? Sam, welcome to town. Hi. Elise. Welcome to town. How much? 500. Elise. Elise. What's your name? What's up, Sam? Sam. Buddy. Welcome to town. 10K.

10K. And one more. Yes. $25,000. Thank you, Gaff. Welcome to town. That Chili's is crazy. Okay.

Let me say this. Are we going to guess her age too? We will. One of you is exactly right. Ooh. If it's me, just so you know, I might leave the stage. Dan, if it's you, we're going to put all that money into getting

you to be the Chili spokesman again. Alright, so who do you think is exactly right? Do you think it's you? I know I'm right. Is anybody changing? Is anybody changing? Is everybody sticking over there? Okay, get your answers in at home, townies, because her bond, she was held on $1,000. Roy Wood Jr.

Nicely done, Roy Wood Jr. Roy Wood Jr. He knows. Roy Wood Sr. would have been proud. I've been arrested twice. I've done the research. Research. Shoplifting and shit.

For this show. Young and gay. She's due. For Youngin, yeah. She's due to appear in court on October 27th. Now let's guess. If you guys want to go. We're going to guess how old she is

and then I'm going to show because we have to see. We have to see how beautiful. If she is the prettiest woman in the world. She's the prettiest woman. It's like that photograph that was taken

of like the most beautiful woman ever. Like do you see that picture of her like in Time Magazine? Anyway, all right. So how old do we think? 44. 44, Roy Wood Jr. says. How old do you think she is, Max?

31. I thought you were going to say 14, but anyway, go ahead, Andrew. I'm going to say 27. 27. Jay? I want her to be 59. I really, really do, and so I'm just going to say 27. 27. Jay? I want her to be 59. I really, really do, and so I'm just going to say it.

59. Daniel? I'm going to go 29 years old. Okay. Yes. 65. Oh, my God. Thank you, Kristen.

Welcome to Tristan. Thank you so much. Yes. But listen at home, I know a lot of our audience. I love it. I know. It's like a gathering. Thank you, Kristen. Thank you, Sp. Yes, but listen at home. I know a lot of our audience. I love it. I know Like a gathering you Christian Thank You spaz before there. Okay, go ahead

You what he That's right, oh, yeah, I love she asked a lot 41 your name 36 have. Yes. Welcome to town. 36. Yes, right down here. 78. It doesn't give a fuck. Yeah, $1,000. That is like some like

don't give a fuck. She tried to jump away on a jazzy. What's your name? On a low speed chase. Okay, Mark. Thank you. One of you. Excuse me. This is going to fuck it. Well, now you already did. Just do it. Two of you are just one year old.

All right. She is 28 years old. Take a look at her. Put her up on the screen. Let's put it up on the screen just so we can see how beautiful she is. Is she beautiful? Let's find out. There's like a news video of it. So you're just going to see her mugshot.

There she is. Dude, she's kind of pretty. Oh. I mean, does she have a claim? You know what? You're as beautiful as you believe you are. I think she's beautiful She's attractive

Hen Bustami There's a lot of guys who would let her spit on them There's a website for that Andrew's mom loves it Look, we are not the final authority on whether or not she's the most beautiful That's why we're going to bring out this dog

Can we bring the dog out here? Well, there you go That's why we're going to bring out this dog. Can we bring the dog out here? Well, there you go. That's a third story, you guys. That's a third story. What an unbelievably fun time. We're going to let Max play one final song for you guys. We're going to be out there. We've got awesome posters that we made for this whole tour.

The goal is to sell out the merch so Randy doesn't have to take it back in his suitcase. Right? Thank you, guys. We love all of you for showing up to this show. Thank you, Roy Wood Jr. Thank you, boys. Thank you, Andrew Dismukes, who will be going back to the SNL after party after this show.

Thank you, Max Clark of Cut Worms. Everybody check that out. Oh, shit. We got to get back to work. Max, take us home with one final song. I'm going to play a different one. Do it. You're going to Elvis Costello this shit.

Omaha! He's going to Elvis Costello this shit. I love it. What dog told you to do that? I'm not going to be Costello this shit. I love it. What dog told you to do that? I'm not going to be able to get through. Back in the golden years Soaking in ballroom tears Where all the dresses once had swayed it sway Like when the private eye was killed

by the robber's wife Just when you thought he had a mate In the line of fire Sinking in the mire Landing wet behind closed doors All clues that lead nowhere

I would not try to compare none of my pain to yours. Or maybe we'd be better off saying nothing. Or maybe we'd be better off tagged and bound something our oldest friends could tell us but now our friends are not around Now our friends are not around Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I saw the heralds come Sing out the starting guns All the women standing on broken heels Cadillacs of white

Came out of the sky No one behind the driving wheels Parked in a perfect row Windshields all aglow Slowly driving the clouds apart There in the light of day I watched them drive away With an aching in my heart.

Oh, maybe we'd be better off saying nothing. Oh, maybe we'd be better off gagged and bound Something our oldest friends could tell us But now our friends are not around Mmm, now the heat is on Something strange about The color of the air the way the sun shines

in a nightmare that the heavens gave standing in your way the things you want Surrounded By all the things you hate Planning wish for when

The past comes back again But you don't really know How it was back then I know you like to think this world was made for you But any fool could see that's never been true Or maybe we'd be better off saying nothing Or maybe we'd be better off gagged and bound Something our oldest friends could tell us But now our friends are not around

Now the heat is on There you go. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Let's hear it for your staff here tonight. Take care of your bartender. And let's hear it for the Bell House for making this possible. Thank you all.

Get home safe and come say hi. Thank you. Bye-bye, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio.

A podcast network.